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Explanation of Easter.

For those of you who were confused about why all the Christians you knew were in a tizzy yesterday, it's not because they were celebrating April 20, rather they were celebrating a Christian holiday known as Easter. Allow me to explain:

Christians believe there is an entity known as "god". It's not clear what makes this entity special, some think it created everything (though it's unclear what created the entity). Some think it is the most powerful entity that exists, and that gives it special rights, like the right to determine what is morally permissible. This belief is important to Easter, as you'll see below. Also, god is a boy, even though it is usually considered noncorporeal (no chromosomes, no penis), so we will refer to it as a he from now on.

God made you perfectly, with full knowledge of everything you would do. For some reason, you don't live up to his standards, though. Not living up to his standard is called a "sin". Because of your sins, he has decided to torture you for ever (meaning an infinity of time), this is called "hell".

He feels remorseful about torturing you forever, because he loves you. So he devises a plan where he doesn't have to. No, it's not "choose not to torture people you love for doing things you made them to do". It's way more brilliant than that!

He makes a copy of himself and names it Jesus. Then he impregnates Jesus into a virgin woman so that Jesus would be a human. He kinda told her instead of asking her, but she did technically consent, so it's not rape, although... he decided it's a sin to go against his will, so if she'd said no, he would have tortured her, which sounds an awful lot like duress to me, but Christains assure me it's still consent. Regardless, one of the benefits of being the rule-maker is you get to decide when the rules do and don't apply, so he is exempt from all of his own rules. I think he had to impregnate her because he couldn't just beam Jesus down to earth, that would be way too obvious.

Anyway, Jesus told everybody he was god, which upset the temple Jews, so they devise a plan to get him executed for blasphemy. It goes like this: they pay one of Jesus' followers to kiss him, then the romans, uhm... IDK, maybe they hate gays or something, but the Romans then took him to trial. They didn't find he'd committed a crime, but the people wanted to see Jesus die, apparently (not sure why hearing god speak didn't compel them, maybe he explained how he was going to torture them forever), so the Romans were all "oh, whatever", and convicted him to get nailed to a big board called a "cross", and then stuck in the side with a spear. The guy who kissed him felt guilty about it, even though it wasn't his fault, and so he hanged himself (if he'd stuck around a bit longer, he could have cashed in on Jesus' brilliant plan, but hindsight, right?)

So, this is where god's plan starts to come into focus! Right before they execute him for blasphemy, god goes to the accounting books and transfers everyone's sins over to Jesus. Now, somehow, they transfer only to Jesus and not to god (I'd say Jesus is a deep copy, but Christians assure me he's also still god, this concept is called the Trinity, but isn't worth going into too much here, but it leaves me confused if he's maybe a shallow copy). Anyway, Jesus gets confused, forgets the plan, and asks god why he's forsaken him. No response. I guess that's what sin does, confuses you even if you're god. So, now god doesn't have to torture everyone for eternity, because all their sins have transferred to Jesus, he only has to torture Jesus for eternity.

Also, this is proactive, so if you commit a sin today, Jesus still took it over for you way back in the day... but you should still feel bad about it and apologize. I don't know if its retroactive, so like if you were already in hell, I'm not really sure how that works.

God lets Jesus stay dead for three days. I don't know why three days instead of 1 second or 50 years, but 3 days is what he settled on. Then he raises Jesus from the dead.

This is what Easter is, the day Jesus is resurrected!

It gets a bit confusing here, but I can tell you the outcome of this is that Jesus never has to go to hell again. Maybe sins get wiped when you die, so if you get resurrected, you have no sins, like they get transferred into the coffers of hell, since no one ever expected anyone to escape. Or maybe god will just give Jesus eternal life so that he never dies again, thus escaping hell. That seems reasonable since he was taken up to heaven in his living human form. Oh, Heaven is where you go if you don't go to hell. You basically have to worship god forever. So some might say it's just a different flavour of hell.

Now, this is where it gets brilliant! By transferring all the sins to Jesus, then somehow averting punishing Jesus, no one has to be punished for sins anymore! He doesn't have to take back the rule he made, and he doesn't have to follow it either!

Oh... but actually, he will still torture you for eternity. In fact, he'll still torture almost everyone for eternity. See, he'll only transfer your sins to Jesus if you say in your mind that you believe he is real (Christians believe god can hear your thoughts, so this is essentially talking to him telepathically... he doesn't seem to ever talk back). I'm not sure why he needs you to think he's real in order to not torture you, maybe he's like tinkerbell, or maybe he's just insecure. I'm also not sure why disbelieving he's real is a reason to torture you for eternity, but killing and stealing and raping and harming society are forgivable, but hey, going back to that first paragraph, he gets to make these rules, so I guess they're the definition of correct moral behaviour, not because they make sense, but because that's what he decided.

So, what have we learned?

Easter is the day where God's clone gets away with every sin ever committed by any of his perfect creations by transferring everyone's sins onto himself, and then letting himself be killed and resurrected, which somehow clears them.

Basically, Easter is when god follows the letter of his law, but not its spirit.


Oh! This made me think about their god, and I realized his behaviour seemed really familiar... Just something to think about.

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