From Someone Who Learned Late
“You just decide to care. At first it’s hard, but it becomes habit. And then, after awhile, you realize you're getting more out than you’re putting in.”
— Josh Penrod. One of my first friends and an excellent human, giving me some of the best advice of my life.
I didn’t have many friends growing up.
It was, I’m sure, partly biological. I’m a natural introvert.
But I also didn’t grow up in an environment where I got to practice social skills much. And I think social skills are one of those things that are a feedback loop for kids. If you’re good at it, you socialize a lot, make a lot of friends, and socialize more.
But the reverse also happens: in kindergarten, all kids are assholes to some extent. But the ones that fail to make friends stay assholes. And as they socialize less, they fit in less, which makes them needy, which reinforces itself in a feedback loop.
The one saving grace of my childhood was that my dad wasn't a very nice person. He abused basically everyone around him – me, my mom, acquaintances, girlfriends, business partners… I admit this doesn’t sound like an immediately good thing. But the silver lining was that I got to see that, and to see what the result was.
While I was growing up, I watched my dad’s slow fall from running a successful independent business, to running a less successful business, to going bankrupt, to starting a smaller business, going bankrupt again, losing his wife, running through dozens of girlfriends, estranging most of his family, getting restraining orders, fleeing court orders in California, and on and on. Each step, a step down. I believe that currently he is selling cars and living alone in Florida.
And a huge part of this was driven by just being an asshole. Each broken relationship, another person who wouldn’t work with him. Another person who didn’t trust him, and who warned their friends about him. Step by step, reducing the size of the world available to him.
When I started dating I remember consciously telling myself that I would never treat women that way.
What a weird thing for a teenage boy to think.
But I actually did end up cheating on and disrespecting early girlfriends. And in my first career opportunities, I did end up acting selfishly, hurting bosses, and partners. Because it’s very hard to behave in any way other than what you’ve experienced.
At one those early jobs, I met this amazing guy, Josh Penrod.
You know the type. Got along with everyone. Nobody has a bad word to say. Life seems to go easily for him.
And I asked him one day: “how do you do that?? How do you get everyone to like you?”
And he looks at me straight in the eye, lowers his voice conspiratorially and whispers:
“I’ll tell you, but you have to promise to use this power only for good – never evil”
Me: “heh, ok…”
Josh: “The secret is … you have to like them.”
Then he pauses again for effect, and continues…
“And here’s the real secret: it can’t be fake. You have to really like them.”
This conversation happened in 2000 – 25 years ago now. It was some random moment we were just goofing off. I am certain that Josh does not remember it and probably forgot it days later. But I remember it so clearly. This one conversation had a massive effect on my life.
I was pretty depressed at this time and was often asking Josh for advice. And at one time, we were talking about this again, and I said “but how do I do this? I don’t actually know these people. I don’t know what to talk about. I don’t actually like them. I don’t know how to like them.”
And that’s when he dropped the other wisdom that has shaped my life:
“You just decide to start caring. At first it is hard, and unnatural. But it becomes habit. And then, after awhile, you realize you’re getting more out than you’re putting in.”
When I met Susan we would sometimes get into fights. And when they were bad, she would often get exacerbated and say things like “YOU ARE SO SELFISH. It’s not on purpose – you can’t help it. You just … are”.
After several of these fights, I kind of had to agree.
I am naturally selfish. I didn’t grow up in an environment like she did with siblings and socialization where I got to learn why it’s bad to be selfish. This is something I had to learn later.
My entire adult life I have worked hard to consciously be less selfish. To consciously care about others.
It is not something that comes naturally. I sometimes fail. I often joke that I am a “recovering asshole”.
After my first business shut down, I had to admit that there were people there who I hurt, and who probably would not work with me again.
And I again sat myself down and said: “Aaron you will not do this. You will be an honorable business partner. You will treat people the way you would want to be treated.”
And now I have two kids. Both introverts like me, but one who does make friends well and has a tight social circle, and one more like me – who got off to a rough start with friends and has been struggling to catch up to peers ever since.
And here is what I feel I have come to learn – both from my own experience and from my kids:
You just decide to start caring. At first it’s hard, and unnatural. But it becomes habit. And then, after awhile, you realize you’re getting more out than you put in.
And how exactly that last part happens? Well, what happens is that when you care about people, they care about you back. Because they like being cared about, and returning the gesture is the natural human response.
And the same happens to you in reverse. Because it feels good to be cared about. To be liked. To be loved. To be considered.
And you realize that these people you’ve been trying to remember to care about – you really do care about them now. Because that relationship you have with them, where they care about you, it means a lot to you and generates a lot of happiness for you.
This morning, I had to leave on a trip for work. Yesterday, my boy – who is slightly autistic, usually happiest alone, and didn’t like being touched early in life – asked me if we could spend some time together before I left.
He had a birthday party last weekend where we invited a small, select group of his fledgling friends over, and they watched The Martian together.
He is slowly learning to make friends. Delayed, yes. But beautiful to watch.
You can do it too.
Felt close. Similar path, trying to do it differently now. Thanks for writing.