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Created November 21, 2016 22:11
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This is the homepage with new markup
Raw
www.html
<!DOCTYPE html>
<html lang="en">
<head>
<!--
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-->
<title>The Onion - America's Finest News Source</title>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0">
<meta name="description" content="The Onion, America's Finest News Source.">
<meta name="keywords" content="">
<meta property="fb:page_id" content="20950654496" />
<meta property="fb:app_id" content="199226029179" />
<meta name="twitter:site" content="@TheOnion">
<meta property="og:title" content="The Onion">
<meta property="og:url" content="http://www.theonion.com">
<meta property="og:description" content="The Onion, America's Finest News Source."/>
<meta property="og:type" content="website">
<meta property="og:image" content="//assets3.onionstatic.com/onionstatic/onion/static/images/onion_fb_placeholder.png" />
<meta name="twitter:card" content="summary_large_image">
<meta name="twitter:title" content="The Onion">
<meta name="twitter:description" content="The Onion, America's Finest News Source.">
<meta name="twitter:image" content="//assets3.onionstatic.com/onionstatic/onion/static/images/favicon-120x120.png"/>
<meta name="google-site-verification" content="MGlGJ2UL0U7_u0-g2hcUGAhxXuu1OgiF3jhvehIgKjE" />
<!--[if lte IE 9]>
<script type="text/javascript">
window.location = "http://theonion.com/upgrade";
</script>
<![endif]-->
<link rel="icon" type="image/png" href="//assets3.onionstatic.com/onionstatic/onion/static/images/favicon-60x60.png" sizes="60x60">
<link rel="shortcut icon" href="//assets3.onionstatic.com/onionstatic/onion/static/images/favicon.ico" type="image/x-icon" />
<link href="//assets3.onionstatic.com/onionstatic/onion/static/css/main.d543cf7abba9.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" />
<link href="//assets3.onionstatic.com/onionstatic/onion/static/css/election_hub_homepage_promo.6fb4bb6e3351.css" rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" />
<!-- Global targeting params -->
<script>var TARGETING={"dfp_pagetype": "home", "dfp_site": "onion"};</script>
<!-- End global targeting params -->
<script>
// global configs
window.EXTERNAL_URL = 'www.theonion.com';
window.VIDEOHUB_BASE_URL = '//www.onionstudios.com';
window.Bulbs = { settings: {"DFP_AD_VIEWPORT_THRESHOLD": 0.7} };
</script>
<script type="text/javascript">var _sf_startpt=(new Date()).getTime()</script>
<!-- FB APP ID -->
<script type="text/javascript">
var fb_app_id = 199226029179;
</script>
<script>
(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i['GoogleAnalyticsObject']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,'script','//www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js','ga');
</script>
<script>
ga('create', 'UA-223393-1', 'auto');
<!-- special coverage slug -->
ga('set', 'dimension1', 'None');
<!-- campaign id -->
ga('set', 'dimension2', 'None');
<!-- platform -->
ga('set', 'dimension3', 'None');
<!-- feature type -->
ga('set', 'dimension4', 'None');
<!-- section -->
ga('set', 'dimension5', 'None');
<!-- page type -->
ga('set', 'dimension6', 'home');
<!-- content id -->
ga('set', 'dimension7', 'None');
<!-- publish date -->
ga('set', 'dimension8', 'None');
<!-- evergreen -->
ga('set', 'dimension9', 'False');
<!-- title -->
ga('set', 'dimension10', 'None');
<!-- instant_article -->
ga('set', 'dimension11', 'None');
</script>
<script>
ga('create', 'UA-223393-11', 'auto', { 'name': 'adTracker' });
</script>
<script src="http://js.indexww.com/ht/ls-theonion.js" async="true"></script>
<!-- Comscore -->
<script type="text/javascript">
document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + (document.location.protocol == "https:" ? "https://sb" : "http://b") + ".scorecardresearch.com/beacon.js' %3E%3C/script%3E"));
</script>
<!-- End Comscore -->
<!-- BEGIN Krux ControlTag for "The Onion" -->
<script class="kxct" data-id="q7dro8tr6" data-timing="async" data-version="3.0" type="text/javascript">
window.Krux||((Krux=function(){Krux.q.push(arguments)}).q=[]);
(function(){
var k=document.createElement('script');k.type='text/javascript';k.async=true;
k.src=(location.protocol==='https:'?'https:':'http:')+'//cdn.krxd.net/controltag/q7dro8tr6.js';
var s=document.getElementsByTagName('script')[0];s.parentNode.insertBefore(k,s);
}());
</script>
<!-- END Krux ControlTag -->
<script>
window.Krux || ((Krux = function () {
Krux.q.push(arguments);
}).q = []);
(function () {
function retrieve(n) {
var m, k = 'kx' + n;
if (window.localStorage) {
return window.localStorage[k] || "";
} else if (navigator.cookieEnabled) {
m = document.cookie.match(k + '=([^;]*)');
return (m && unescape(m[1])) || "";
} else {
return '';
}
}
Krux.user = retrieve('user');
})();
</script>
<!-- HolaCDN -->
<script src="//player.h-cdn.com/loader.js?customer=theonion" crossorigin="anonymous" async></script>
<!-- Inline Betty JS -->
<script type="text/javascript">(function(w){
/* We can request an image at every possible width, but let's limit it to a reasonable number
We can set these so they correspond to our more common sizes.
*/
var IMAGE_URL = w.BETTY_IMAGE_URL || "//i.onionstatic.com/onion",
RATIOS = [["1x1", 1.0], ["16x9", 1.7777777777777777], ["3x1", 3.0]],
ASPECT_RATIO_TOLERANCE = .1, // 10% tolerance.
MAX_WIDTH = 3200,
PICTUREFILL_SELECTOR = w.PICTUREFILL_SELECTOR || "div",
breakpoints = [0,80,100,150,160,200,240,300,304,320,480,565,600,608,640,650,700,800,960,1200,1280,1300,1600,1920,2160,2400,2560,2880,3200];
// Credit to https://remysharp.com/2010/07/21/throttling-function-calls
function throttle(fn, threshhold, scope) {
threshhold || (threshhold = 250);
var last,
deferTimer;
return function () {
var context = scope || this;
var now = +new Date,
args = arguments;
if (last && now < last + threshhold) {
// hold on to it
clearTimeout(deferTimer);
deferTimer = setTimeout(function () {
last = now;
fn.apply(context, args);
}, threshhold);
} else {
last = now;
fn.apply(context, args);
}
};
}
w.picturefill = function picturefill (elements, forceRerender) {
// It is sometimes desirable to scroll without loading images as we go.
if (picturefill.paused()) {
return;
}
// get elements to picturefill
var ps;
if (elements instanceof Array) {
ps = elements;
} else if (elements instanceof HTMLElement) {
ps = [elements];
} else {
ps = w.document.querySelectorAll(PICTUREFILL_SELECTOR);
}
// loop through elements and fill them in
var imageData = [];
for (var i = 0, il = ps.length; i < il; i++){
var el = ps[i];
// ensure this element is actually a image to picturefill
if(el.getAttribute("data-type") !== "image" ){
// not image to fill, skip this one
continue;
}
// check if image is in viewport for lazy loading, and
// preload images if they're within 100px of being shown above scroll,
// within 250px of being shown below scroll.
var elementRect = el.getBoundingClientRect(),
innerHeight = w.innerHeight || w.document.documentElement.clientHeight,
visible = elementRect.top <= (innerHeight + 250) && elementRect.top >= -100;
// this is a div to picturefill, start working on it if it hasn't been rendered yet
if (el.getAttribute("data-image-id") !== null
&& visible
&& (forceRerender || !el.getAttribute("data-rendered"))) {
var imageContainer = el.getElementsByTagName("div")[0],
imageId = el.getAttribute("data-image-id"),
imageCrop = el.getAttribute("data-crop"),
format = el.getAttribute("data-format") || "jpg";
// construct ID path for image
var idStr = "";
for(var ii = 0; ii < imageId.length; ii++) {
if ((ii % 4) === 0) {
idStr += "/";
}
idStr += imageId.charAt(ii);
}
// find any existing img element in the picture element
var picImg = imageContainer.getElementsByTagName("img")[0];
if(!picImg){
// for performance reasons this will be added to the dom later
picImg = w.document.createElement("img");
var alt = el.getAttribute("data-alt");
if (alt) {
picImg.alt = alt;
}
}
// determine what to do based on format
if (format === "gif") {
// for GIFs, we just dump out original
imageData.push({
'div': imageContainer,
'img': picImg,
'url': IMAGE_URL + idStr + "/animated/original.gif"
});
} else {
// determine size & crop for PNGs & JPGs.
var _w = imageContainer.offsetWidth,
_h = imageContainer.offsetHeight;
if (!imageCrop || imageCrop === "") {
imageCrop = computeAspectRatio(_w, _h);
}
// scale up to the pixel ratio if there's some pixel ratio defined
if (w.devicePixelRatio) {
_w = Math.round(w.devicePixelRatio * _w);
_h = Math.round(w.devicePixelRatio * _h);
}
// determine if a breakpoint width should be used, otherwise use previously defined width
var width = null;
for (var j = 0; j < breakpoints.length; j++) {
if (_w <= breakpoints[j]) {
width = breakpoints[j];
break;
}
}
if (width === null) {
if (_w > MAX_WIDTH) {
width = MAX_WIDTH;
} else {
width = _w;
}
}
// if the existing image is larger (or the same) than the one we're about to load, do not update.
// however if the crop changes, we need to reload.
if (width > 0) {
//ie8 doesn't support natural width, always load.
if (typeof picImg.naturalWidth === "undefined" || picImg.naturalWidth < width
|| imageCrop !== computeAspectRatio(picImg.naturalWidth, picImg.naturalHeight)) {
// put image in image data to render
imageData.push({
'div': imageContainer,
'img': picImg,
'url': IMAGE_URL + idStr + "/" + imageCrop + "/" + width + "." + format
});
}
}
}
}
}
// loop through image data and insert images, all DOM updates should probably go here
for(var i = 0; i < imageData.length; i++) {
var data = imageData[i];
data.img.src = data.url;
if (!data.img.parentNode) {
data.div.appendChild(data.img);
data.div.parentNode.setAttribute("data-rendered", "true");
}
}
};
/**
* picturefill pause and resume.
* Useful to prevent loading unneccessary images, such as when scrolling
* the reading list.
*/
var isPaused = false;
picturefill.pause = function () {
isPaused = true;
};
picturefill.resume = function () {
isPaused = false;
picturefill();
};
picturefill.paused = function () {
return isPaused;
};
/**
* Figure out best aspect ratio based on width, height, and given aspect ratios.
*/
function computeAspectRatio(_w, _h) {
if (_w !== 0 && _h !== 0) {
var aspectRatio = _w/_h;
for (var i in RATIOS) {
if (Math.abs(aspectRatio - RATIOS[i][1]) / RATIOS[i][1] < ASPECT_RATIO_TOLERANCE) {
return RATIOS[i][0];
}
}
}
// No suitable ratio, use default.
return "16x9";
}
function addEventListener(ele, event, callback) {
if (ele.addEventListener) {
ele.addEventListener(event, callback, false);
} else if (ele.attachEvent) {
ele.attachEvent("on" + event, callback);
}
}
function removeEventListener(ele, event, callback) {
if (ele.removeEventListener) {
ele.removeEventListener(event, callback, false);
} else if (ele.detachEvent) {
ele.detachEvent("on" + event, callback);
}
}
// Run on resize and domready (w.load as a fallback)
if (!w.IMAGE_LISTENERS_DISABLED) {
addEventListener(w, "load", picturefill);
addEventListener(w, "DOMContentLoaded", function () {
picturefill();
removeEventListener(w, "load");
});
var resizeTimeout;
addEventListener(w, "resize", function () {
clearTimeout(resizeTimeout);
resizeTimeout = setTimeout(function () {
picturefill(null, true);
}, 100);
});
addEventListener(w, "scroll", throttle(picturefill, 100));
}
}(this));
</script>
</head>
<body class="home">
<!-- Google Tag Manager -->
<script>(function(w,d,s,l,i){w[l]=w[l]||[];w[l].push({'gtm.start':
new Date().getTime(),event:'gtm.js'});var f=d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0],
j=d.createElement(s),dl=l!='dataLayer'?'&l='+l:'';j.async=true;j.src=
'https://www.googletagmanager.com/gtm.js?id='+i+dl;f.parentNode.insertBefore(j,f);
})(window,document,'script','dataLayer','GTM-TWKLGW');</script>
<!-- End Google Tag Manager -->
<!-- Google Tag Manager (noscript) -->
<noscript><iframe src="https://www.googletagmanager.com/ns.html?id=GTM-TWKLGW"
height="0" width="0" style="display:none;visibility:hidden"></iframe></noscript>
<!-- End Google Tag Manager (noscript) -->
<div id="adBlockCheck" class="ads"><img src="//assets3.onionstatic.com/onionstatic/onion/static/images/ad-block-check.jpg" height="1" width="1" alt="adBlockCheck"></div>
<div class="header-add-wrapper dfp-home">
<div is="bulbs-dfp" viewport-threshold="0.7" class="dfp dfp-slot-header" data-ad-unit="header" > </div>
</div>
<bulbs-header>
<bulbs-header-masthead>
<header id="header" class="h clearfix h-expanded">
<button
class="masthead-flyover-button"
is="bulbs-flyover-open"
menu-name="drawer-menu"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Menu:Open"
data-track-label="#">
<i class="fa fa-bars" aria-hidden="true"></i>
</button>
<div
id="network-dropdown"
class="flyout fly-down">
<a data-toggle="dropdown"
href=""
class="flyout-toggle"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Onion, Inc."
data-track-label="#">
<span class="text">Onion, Inc. Sites</span>
<i class="fa fa-plus fa-fw fa-closed"></i>
<i class="fa fa-minus fa-fw fa-opened"></i>
</a>
<ul class="flyout-menu arrow arrow-right">
<li class="network onion">
<a
href="http://www.theonion.com"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Onion, Inc."
data-track-label="http://www.theonion.com">
The Onion
</a>
</li>
<li class="network avclub">
<a
href="http://www.avclub.com"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Onion, Inc."
data-track-label="http://www.avclub.com">
The A.V. Club
</a>
</li>
<li class="network clickhole">
<a
href="http://www.clickhole.com"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Onion, Inc."
data-track-label="http://www.clickhole.com">
ClickHole
</a>
</li>
<li class="network onionstudios">
<a
href="http://www.onionstudios.com"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Onion, Inc."
data-track-label="http://www.onionstudios.com">
Onion Studios
</a>
</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div class="masthead-row-top">
<a
id="branding"
title="The Onion"
href="/"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Logo"
data-track-label="/">
<img src="//s3.amazonaws.com/onionstatic/onion/static/images/onion_logo.png" alt="The Onion Logo">
</a>
</div>
<div class="masthead-row-middle">
<div id="ribbon">
<div class="date-weather-stocks-container">
<div>November 21, 2016</div>
<!-- Icons taken from the excellent "Climacons" collection: http://adamwhitcroft.com/climacons/ -->
<div class="weather-wrap flyout fly-down fly-down-on-hover">
<span data-toggle="dropdown" class="flyout-toggle">
<i class="icon weather weather-storm"></i>
52&deg;
</span>
<div class="flyout-menu arrow arrow-left">
<header>
<i class="icon weather-storm"></i>
52&deg;
</header>
<p class="detail">
Why?
</p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="stocks-wrap flyout fly-down fly-down-on-hover">
<span data-toggle="dropdown" class="flyout-toggle">
<i class="icon stocks"></i>
Stocks
</span>
<div class="flyout-menu arrow arrow-left">
<div class="stockwatch">
<header>
GAZ
<span style="color: green;">
+6.68%
<i class="fa fa-long-arrow-up"></i>
</span>
</header>
<p class="stockwatch-detail">
<span>Gazebo International (GAZ): </span>$54.12 (+$3.39) (+6.68%) Stock prices spiked after the gazebo powerhouse blindsided the gazebo industry with the unveiling of its advanced new Predator model line of gazebos.
</p>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="neg">America's Finest News Source</div>
<div class="motto">&ldquo;Tu Stultus Es&rdquo;</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="masthead-row-bottom">
<nav id="navigation"
role="navigation"
data-ct_section_name="nav">
<ul>
<li class="active">
<a
href="http://www.theonion.com/election-2016"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Sections"
data-track-label="http://www.theonion.com/election-2016">
Election 2016
</a>
</li>
<li class="">
<a
href="http://www.onionstudios.com/channels/the-onion/"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Sections"
data-track-label="http://www.onionstudios.com/channels/the-onion/">
Video
</a>
</li>
<li class="">
<a
href="/section/politics/"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Sections"
data-track-label="/section/politics/">
Politics
</a>
</li>
<li class="">
<a
href="/section/sports/"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Sections"
data-track-label="/section/sports/">
Sports
</a>
</li>
<li class="">
<a
href="/section/local/"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Sections"
data-track-label="/section/local/">
Local
</a>
</li>
<li class="">
<a
href="/section/business"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Sections"
data-track-label="/section/business">
Business
</a>
</li>
<li class="">
<a
href="/section/entertainment/"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Sections"
data-track-label="/section/entertainment/">
Entertainment
</a>
</li>
<li class="">
<a
href="/section/science-technology/"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Home: Sections"
data-track-label="/section/science-technology/">
Science &amp; Technology
</a>
</li>
</ul>
</nav>
<div id="sitesearch">
<form action="/search" class="search flyout fly-down">
<a
class="button flyout-toggle"
title="Expand Search"
data-toggle="dropdown"
class="flyout-toggle"
aria-expanded="false"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Menu: Search"
data-track-label="#">
Search <b class="fa fa-search fa-fw fa-lg"></b>
</a>
<div id="search-flyout" class="flyout-menu arrow arrow-right">
<input name="q" id="search-input" type="text" placeholder="Search...">
<input class="hidden" type="submit" value="Search">
</div>
</form>
</div>
</div>
</header>
</bulbs-header-masthead>
<bulbs-header-responsive-nav>
<div class="bulbs-header-responsive-nav">
<button
is="bulbs-flyover-open"
menu-name="drawer-menu"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Menu: Open"
data-track-label="#">
<i class="fa fa-bars" aria-hidden="true"></i>
</button>
<a
id="branding"
class=""
title="The Onion"
href="/"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Logo"
data-track-label="/">
<img class="dingbat-logo" src="//s3.amazonaws.com/onionstatic/onion/static/images/onion-dingbat_60x60.png" alt="The Onion Logo">
<img class="desktop-logo" src="//s3.amazonaws.com/onionstatic/onion/static/images/onion_logo.png" alt="The Onion Logo">
</a>
<div id="sitesearch">
<form action="/search" class="search flyout fly-down">
<a
class="button flyout-toggle"
title="Expand Search"
data-toggle="dropdown"
class="flyout-toggle"
aria-expanded="false"
data-track-category="Nav"
data-track-action="Menu: Search"
data-track-label="#">
Search <b class="fa fa-search fa-fw fa-lg"></b>
</a>
<div id="search-flyout" class="flyout-menu arrow arrow-right">
<input name="q" id="search-input" type="text" placeholder="Search...">
<input class="hidden" type="submit" value="Search">
</div>
</form>
</div>
</div>
</bulbs-header-responsive-nav>
</bulbs-header>
<bulbs-flyover-menu menu-name="drawer-menu" no-body-scroll>
<button
is="bulbs-flyover-close"
class="close-flyout-panel"
menu-name="drawer-menu"
data-track-category="Nav"
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NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems.
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SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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DENVER—Growing increasingly unsettled at the president-elect’s choice of advisors and the prospect of life under a Donald Trump administration, local resident Paul Austin told reporters Monday he was at the point where the thought of Reince Priebus controlling the White House was actually fairly comforting.
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Report: It Still Nowhere Near Okay To Act Like Donald Trump
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ITHACA, NY—In the hours since the Republican nominee’s stunning election to the nation’s highest office Tuesday night, reports have confirmed that, regardless of circumstance, it is not even remotely close to okay to act like Donald Trump.
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CHICAGO—Expressing dismay and confusion over voters selecting Donald Trump as the next president of the United States, area liberal Ryan Garlock reportedly told a group of his friends Wednesday that he no longer recognizes his fanciful, wildly inaccurate mental picture of the country he lives in.
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LONDON—Working from recently discovered ships’ logs and archaeological findings, a team of historians announced Monday they had pieced together a detailed account of the Carnival East India Company’s maiden cruise—the very first seafaring journey to the Far East dedicated solely to the enjoyment and entertainment of its passengers.
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SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy.
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THE HEAVENS—Saying the whole situation felt “super creepy,” God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Friday He was completely weirded out by Atlanta-area Christian Dale Evans, who has repeatedly professed his love for Him despite only attending church for a month.
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FALMOUTH, ME&mdash;Shaking their heads at the dense numbskull&rsquo;s completely idiotic priorities, sources confirmed Friday that moron stepfather Jeffrey Ryan, 36, is taking care of a 3-year-old child who does not even possess his genetic material.
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LONDON—Working from recently discovered ships’ logs and archaeological findings, a team of historians announced Monday they had pieced together a detailed account of the Carnival East India Company’s maiden cruise—the very first seafaring journey to the Far East dedicated solely to the enjoyment and entertainment of its passengers.
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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga
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Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.
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By American Values
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Barnes &amp; Ignoble
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