The beauty of desktop Linux is that I can write shell scripts like this. The horror is realizing I shouldn't have to.

lenovo-input-conf.sh

#!/bin/bash
# This script runs on login and on device hotplug and configures
# various bits of my Lenovo laptop.  It automatically detects whether
# the machine is docked.

# Profiles:
# -1 = None
# 0 = legacy behavior: if thresh is 0, polynomial,
#     otherwise, simple.
# 1 = device-dependent
# 2 = polynomial: velocity serves as the coefficient,
#     acceleration being the exponent. Very useable,
#     the recommended profile.
#     dancol: Reading the code, thresh is ignored.
# 3 = smooth linear: scales mostly linear, but with a
#     smooth (non-linear) start.
# 4 = simple: transitions between accelerated/unaccelerated,
#     but with a smooth transition range.
#     This has the fundamental problem of accelerating on
#     two niveaus, on which acceleration stays independent
#     of velocity. Traditionally the default however.
# 5 = power: transitions between accelerated/unaccelerated,
#     but with a smooth transition range.
#     This has the fundamental problem of accelerating on two
#     niveaus, on which acceleration stays independent of velocity.
#     Traditionally the default however.
# 6 = linear: just linear to velocity and acceleration.
#     Simple and clean.
#     dancol: identical to polynomial with exp=1?
# 7 = limited: smoothly ascends to acceleration,
#     maxing out at threshold, where it becomes flat
#     (is limited).
#     dancol: Appears not actually implemented.
mouse_profile=2
mouse_accel_num=2
mouse_accel_den=1
mouse_thresh=1
mouse_buttons='3 2 1 4 5 8 9 6 7'
mouse_buttons_msft='3 2 1 4 5 6 7 8 9'
mouse_constant_deceleration=3
mouse_constant_deceleration_msft=1.7
mouse_adaptive_deceleration=3
lock_timeout=10 # seconds

reconfigure-input() {
    # Reset X defaults --- override specific pointers with X input.
    xset m default

    for dev_id in $(xinput list --id-only); do
        dev_name=$(xinput list --name-only $dev_id)

	echo "Found device $dev_id: $dev_name"

        if [[ $dev_name = 'Logitech USB Laser Mouse' ]] ||
            [[ $dev_name = Microsoft*'5-Button Mouse'* ]];
        then
            if [[ $dev_name = Microsoft* ]]; then
                decel=$mouse_constant_deceleration_msft
                buttons=$mouse_buttons_msft
            else
                decel=$mouse_constant_deceleration
                buttons=$mouse_buttons
            fi

            xinput set-button-map $dev_id $buttons
            xinput set-prop $dev_id 'Device Accel Profile' $mouse_profile
            # Fudge factor that accounts for device control
            xinput set-prop $dev_id 'Device Accel Velocity Scaling'      10
            # Decelerate pointer before reaching accel engine
            xinput set-prop $dev_id 'Device Accel Constant Deceleration' \
                $decel
            # Somehow slow for precision?
            xinput set-prop $dev_id 'Device Accel Adaptive Deceleration' \
                $mouse_adaptive_deceleration
            xinput set-ptr-feedback $dev_id \
                $mouse_thresh $mouse_accel_num $mouse_accel_den
        fi

        if [[ $dev_name = 'SynPS/2 Synaptics TouchPad' ]]; then
            # Train myself not to use the bottom-right corner for right
            # clicking.  This technique doesn't actually work becaues of
            # problems in the synaptics driver, and we can uwe a two-finger
            # OS-X-like click instead.
            synclient RightButtonAreaLeft=0 RightButtonAreaTop=0
            # Make corners dead so palms don't interfere
            synclient CornerTopLeft=1000
            synclient CornerTopRight=1000
        fi

        # Reconfigure USB-attached model M.  Make sure to
        # not reconfigure any mouse also called USBPS2.
        if [[ $dev_name = 'USBPS2' ]]; then
            if ! xinput get-button-map $dev_id >/dev/null 2>&1; then
                ~/conf/tools/remap-xkb -s $dev_id <<EOF
  key <SCLK> {         [         Super_R ] };
EOF
            fi
        fi

    done
}

reconfigure-display() {
    # When lid becomes closed, without suspend-resume cycle,
    # X doesn't realize other display is gone.  Help it along.

    local status=
    local bigmon=

    if read -r status < /sys/class/drm/card0-HDMI-A-1/status;
        [[ $status = 'connected' ]];
    then
        bigmon=HDMI1
    elif read -r status < /sys/class/drm/card0-DP-1/status;
        [[ $status = 'connected' ]];
    then
        bigmon=DP1
    fi

    local closed
    read -r _ closed < /proc/acpi/button/lid/LID/state

    # If we have no external display connected, never turn off LVDS1
    # --- doing so results in windows being resized to 0x0!  We turn
    # off the display when we close the lid via the suspension
    # mechanism, not through this code.

    if [[ -z $bigmon ]]; then
        xrandr --output LVDS1 --auto
    elif [[ $closed != 'closed' ]]; then
        xrandr --output LVDS1 --auto --right-of $bigmon
    else
        xrandr --output LVDS1 --off
    fi
}

reconfigure-unfuck-keybindings() {
    # Unity fucking resets keybindings on reboot sometimes. Fix them
    # here.
    dconf load / < ~/conf/unfucked-bindings.conf
    gsettings set org.gnome.settings-daemon.plugins.media-keys \
        terminal ''
}

reconfigure() {
    reconfigure-display
    reconfigure-input
    reconfigure-unfuck-keybindings
}

# Actually do the reconfiguration with a lockfile held.
(
    if flock -w $lock_timeout $lockfd; then
        reconfigure
        echo "Reconfigured!"
    else
        echo >&2 "lenovo-input-conf: lock failed: $?"
        exit 1
    fi
) {lockfd}>"/tmp/$USER-lenovo-input-conf.lock"