Seinfeld_Scripts.txt

Seinfeld_Scripts.txt

jerry: do you know what this is all about? do you know, why were here? to be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. people...did you ever hear people talking about we should go out? this is what theyre talking about...this whole thing, were all out now, no one is home. not one person here is home, were all out! there are people trying to find us, they dont know where we are. (on an imaginary phone) did you ring?, i cant find him. where did he go? he didnt tell me where he was going. he must have gone out. you wanna go out you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? you take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...then youre standing around, what do you do? you go we gotta be getting back. once youre out, you wanna get back! you wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? where ever you are in life, its my feeling, youve gotta go. 

jerry: (pointing at georges shirt) see, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. the second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it. its too high! its in no-mans-land. you look like you live with your mother. 

george: are you through? 

jerry: you do of course try on, when you buy? 

george: yes, it was purple, i liked it, i dont actually recall considering the buttons. 

jerry: oh, you dont recall? 

george: (on an imaginary microphone) uh, no, not at this time. 

jerry: well, senator, id just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it. 

claire: mr. seinfeld. mr. costanza. 

george: are, are you sure this is decaf? wheres the orange indicator? 

claire: its missing, i have to do it in my head decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...its very challenging work. 

jerry: can you relax, its a cup of coffee. claire is a professional waitress. 

claire: trust me george. no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. 

george: how come youre not doing the second show tomorrow? 

jerry: well, theres this uh, woman might be coming in. 

george: wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in? 

jerry: i told you about laura, the girl i met in michigan? 

george: no, you didnt! 

jerry: i thought i told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? i met her the night i did the show in lansing... 

george: ha. 

jerry: (looks in the creamer) theres no milk in here, what... 

george: wait wait wait, what is she... (takes the milk can from jerry and puts it on the table) what is she like? 

jerry: oh, shes really great. i mean, shes got like a real warmth about her and shes really bright and really pretty and uh... the conversation though, i mean, it was... talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better. 

george: (smiling) so, you know, what, what happened? 

jerry: oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great. 

george: oh, nothing happened, but it was... 

jerry: yeah. 

george: this is great! 

jerry: yeah. 

george: so, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? god bless! devil you! 

jerry: yeah, well...not exactly. i mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe well get together. 

george: (whistles disapprovingly) ho ho ho, had to? had to come in? 

jerry: yeah, but... 

george: had to come in and maybe well get together? had to and maybe? 

jerry: yeah! 

george: no...no...no, i hate to tell you this. youre not gonna see this woman. 

jerry: what, are you serious...why, why did she call? 

george: how do i know, maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite. 

jerry: to be polite? you are insane! 

george: all right, all right, i didnt want to tell you this. you wanna know why she called you? 

jerry: yes! 

george: youre a back-up, youre a second-line, a just-in-case, a b-plan, a contingency! 

jerry: oh, i get it, this is about the button. 

george: claire, claire, youre a woman, right? 

claire: what gave it away, george? 

george: uhm...id like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, you know, from a female point of view. 

george: (to claire) now, a woman calls me, all right? 

claie: uh huh. 

george: she says she has to come to new york on business... 

jerry: oh you are beautiful! 

george: ...and, and maybe shell see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me? 

claire: id have to say, uh, no. 

(george shows his note-block to jerry; it says very largely: no.) 

claire: to be polite. 

george: to be polite. i rest my case. 

jerry: good. did you have fun? you have no idea, what youre talking about, now, come on, come with me. (stands up) i gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway. 

george: im not gonna watch you do laundry. 

jerry: oh, come on, be a come-with guy. 

george: come on, im tired. 

claire: (to jerry) dont worry, i gave him a little caffeine. hell perk up. 

george: (panicking) right, i knew i felt something! 

george: jerry? i have to tell you something. this is the dullest moment ive ever experienced. 

jerry: well, look at this guy. look, hes got everything, hes got detergents, sprays, fabric softeners.  this is not his first load. 

george: i need a break, jerry, you know. i gotta get out of the city. i feel so cramped... 

jerry: and you didnt even hear how she sounded. 

george: what?! 

jerry: laura. 

george: i cant believe- (falls on his knees) we already discussed this! 

jerry: yeah, but how could you be so sure? 

george: cause its signals, jerry, its signals! (snapping his fingers) dont you- all right. did she even ask you, what you were doing tomorrow night, if you were busy? 

jerry: no. 

george: she calls you today and she doesnt make a plan for tomorrow? what is that? its saturday night! 

jerry: yeah. 

george: what is that? its ridiculous! you dont even know what hotel shes staying at, you cant call her. thats a signal, jerry, thats a signal! (snaps his fingers) signal! 

jerry: maybe youre right. 

george: maybe im right? of course im right. 

jerry: this is insane. you know, i dont even know where shes staying! she, shes not gonna call me, this is unbelievable. 

george: i know, i know. listen, your stuff has to be done by now, why dont you just see if its dry? 

jerry: no no no, dont interrupt the cycle. the machine is working, it, it knows what its doing. just let it finish. 

george: youre gonna over-dry it. 

jerry: you, you cant over-dry. 

george: why not? 

jerry: same as you cant over-wet. you see, once something is wet, its wet. same thing with death. like once you die youre dead, right? lets say you drop dead and i shoot you. youre not gonna die again, youre already dead. you cant over-die, you cant over-dry. 

george: (to the other laundry patrons) any questions? 

jerry: how could she not tell me where she was staying? 

george: look at that. theyre done! 

jerry: laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. it is...you know, think about it. the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. you know, its dark, theres bubbles happening, theyre all kinda dancing around in there- shirt grabs the underwear, cmon babe, lets go. you come by, you open up the lid and theyll- (stiffens up, as the clothes) socks are the most amazing article of clothing. they hate their lives, theyre in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. the dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. they knew a escape from the dryer. they plan it in the hamper the night before, tomorrow, the dryer, im goin. you wait here! the dryer door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. he hopes you dont see him and then he goes down the road. they get buttons sewn on their faces, join a puppet show. so theyre showing me on television the detergent for getting out bloodstains. is this a violent image to anybody? bloodstains? i mean, come on, you got a t-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isnt your biggest problem right now. you gotta get the harpoon out your chest first. 

jerry: (answering, quickly) if you know what happened in the met game, dont say anything, i taped it, hello. yeah, no, im sorry, you have the wrong number. yeah, no 

jerry: (to the door) yeah? 

kessler: are you up? 

jerry: (to kessler) yeah. (to the phone) yeah, people do move. have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? yeah, no problem. 

kessler: boy, the mets blew it tonight, huh? 

jerry: (upset) ohhhh, what are you doing? kessler, its a tape! i taped the game, its one oclock in the morning! i avoided human contact all night to watch this. 

kessler: hey, im sorry, i- you know, i, i thought you knew. (takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets, and holds them out to jerry.) you got any meat? 

jerry: meat? i dont, i dont know, go... hunt! (kessler opens the refrigerator and sticks his head in.) well what happened in the game anyway? 

kessler: (from the refrigerator) what happened? well, they stunk, thats what happened! 

kessler: you know, i almost wound up going to that game. 

jerry: (cynical) yeah you almost went to the game. you havent been out of the building in ten years! 

kessler: yeah. (jerry sits down on the couch. kessler walks over with his sandwich and looks at jerry and uses expressions to ask jerry to move the newspapers on the other side of the couch so he could site down. kessler sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. jerry gives him a look as if to say, do you mind?) are you done with this? 

jerry: no. 

kessler: when youre done, let me know. 

jerry: yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow. 

kessler: i thought i wasnt allowed to be in here this weekend. 

jerry: no, its okay now, that, that girl is not coming. uh, i misread the whole thing. 

kessler: you want me to talk to her? 

jerry: i dont think so. 

kessler: oh, i can be very persuasive. do you know that i was almost... a lawyer. 

jerry: that close, huh? 

kessler: you better believe it. 

jerry: hello...oh, hi, laura. 

kessler: oh, give me it...let me talk to her. 

jerry: (to the phone) no believe me, im always up at this hour. how are you?... great... sure... what time does the plane get in?... i got my friend george to take me... 

kessler: (to the tv) slide! wow! 

jerry: no, its, its just my neighbor... um... yeah, i got it. (jerry takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on.) ten-fifteen... no, dont be silly, go ahead and ask... yeah, sure... okay, great, no no, its no trouble at all... ill see you tomorrow... great, bye. (he hangs up the phone; to kessler) i dont believe it. that was her. she wants to stay here! 

jerry: if my father was moving this he had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. (as his father) 'have you got your end?...your ends got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your ends got to come down.' 

george: you know, i cant believe youre bringing in an extra bed for woman that wants to sleep with you. why dont you bring in an extra guy too? 

jerry: look, its a very awkward situation. i dont wanna be presumptuous. 

george: all right, all right, one more time, one more time! what was the exact phrasing of the request? 

jerry: all right, she said she couldnt find a decent hotel room... 

george: a decent hotel-room... 

jerry: yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place. 

george: you cant be serious. this is new york city. there must be eleven million decent hotel rooms! what do you need? a flag? (waving his handkerchief) this is the signal, jerry, this is the signal! 

jerry: (cynical) this is the signal? thank you, mr. signal. where were you yesterday? 

george: i think i was affected by the caffeine. 

george: ho, ho, ho, good dog, good dog... 

kessler: hey, he really likes you, george. 

george: well, thats flattering. 

kessler: oh, hes getting a drink of water. (pointing to the mattress) is this for that girl? 

jerry: yeah. 

kessler: why even give her an option? 

jerry: this is a person i like, its not how to score on spring break. 

george: right, can we go? cause im double-parked, im gonna get a ticket. 

jerry: yeah, okay. oh, wait a second. oh, i forgot to clean the bathroom. 

george: so what? thats good. 

jerry: now, how could that be good? 

george: because filth is good. what do you think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lying around the bathroom? they, have a woman coming over, ive gotta tidy up? yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. always, always do the opposite. 

jerry: this is how you operate? 

george: yeah, i wish. 

jerry: let me just wipe the sink. 

kessler: why even give her an option for? 

kessler: (to george, pointing at the mattress) its unbelievable. 

george: yeah. 

kessler: hows the real estate-business? 

george: (feeling awkward) its uh, not bad, its coming along. why? did you need something. 

kramer: do you handle any of that commercial...real estate? 

george: well, i might be getting into that. 

kessler: (slaps george on the arm) you keep me posted! 

george: im aware of you. (to jerry) all right, lets go (opens the bathroom door) lets go! 

jerry: the dating world is not a fun world...its a pressure world, its a world of tension, its a world of pain...and you know, if a woman comes over to my house, i gotta get that bathroom ready, cause she needs things. women need equipment. i dont know what they need. i know i dont have it, i know that- you know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. this is the one im- always has been one of the amazing things to me...i have no cotton-balls, were all human beings, what is the story? ive never had one...i never bought one, i never needed one, ive never been in a situation, when i thought to myself i could use a cotton-ball right now. i can certainly get out of this mess. women need them and they dont need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, theyre like peat moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? theyre huge and two days later, theyre out, theyre gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? what are you doin with them? the only time i ever see em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, theres two or three, that look like theyve been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, i dont know what happened to them. i once went out with a girl who left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over at my house. i dont know what to do with them, i took them out, i put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. i thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. lets move on. the dating world is a world of pressure. lets face it a date is a job interview that lasts all night. the only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance youll end up naked at the end of it. you know? well, bill, the boss thinks youre the man for the position, why dont you strip down and meet some of the people youll be working with? 

jerry: wouldnt it be great if you could ask a woman what shes thinking? 

george: what a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what shes thinking. 

jerry: you know, instead, im like a detective. i gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation. 

george: listen, listen, dont get worked up, cause youre gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane. 

jerry: really? how? 

george: cause its all in the greeting. 

jerry: uh-huh. 

george: all right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, thats a good sign. 

jerry: right. 

george: you know, anything in the, in the lip area is good. 

jerry: lip area. 

george: you know a hug definitely good. 

jerry: hug is definitely good. 

george: sure. 

jerry: although what if its one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart? 

george: thats so brutal, i hate that. 

jerry: you know how they do that? 

george: thats why, you know, a shake is bad. 

jerry: shake is bad, but what if its the two-hander? the hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes? 

george: hand sandwich. 

jerry: right. 

george: i see, well, thats open to interpretation. because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes. 

laura: guess who? 

jerry: hey, hey. 

laura & jerry: hey! 

jerry: its good to see you. 

laura: hi. 

jerry: this is my friend george. 

laura: hi, how nice to meet you. 

george: hi, how are you? 

jerry: this is laura. 

george: laura, sure. 

jerry: (to laura) i cant believe youre here. 

george & jerry: ooh yeah, the bags, sure. 

laura: oh, thank you. 

jerry: (aside, to george) now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, george? 

george: yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. that wasnt in the manual, i dont know. 

jerry: so uh, what do you think? 

laura: wow! this place isnt so bad. 

jerry: yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road. so uh, make yourself at home. (laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) so uh, can i get you anything? uh, bread, water...salad-dressing? 

laura: (laughs) actually, um, do you have any wine? 

jerry: uh, yeah, i think i do. 

laura: (referring to a lamp) oh, do you mind if i turn this down? 

jerry: uh, no, yeah, go right ahead. 

laura: uh, jerry, uh, i was wandering, would it be possible  and if its not, fine  for me to stay here tomorrow night too? 

jerry: uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why dont you stay? yeah, uh…what is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? are you, are you doing anything? 

laura: no, id love to do something. uh, i have my seminar in the morning, then after that im right open. 

jerry: really? what would you like to do? 

laura: well... now i know this sounds touristy, but id just love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around manhattan. 

jerry: (unenthusiastic) yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pouring the wine) im just, im really glad youre here. 

jerry: (answering) yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. (to laura) um, its for you. 

laura: (to the phone) hello?... hi!... no no it was great, right on time... no, i, im gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes its fine... no, were going on a boat ride... dont be silly... im not gonna have this conversation... look, ill call you tomorrow... okay, bye. (she hangs up the phone.) never get engaged. 

jerry: (not excited) youre engaged? 

laura: you, you really have no idea what its like until you actually do it. and im on this emotional roller coaster. 

jerry: youre engaged? 

laura: you know, i cant believe it myself sometimes. you have to start thinking in terms of we. ugh, its a very stressful situation. 

jerry: (matter-of-factly) youre engaged. 

laura: yeah, yeah, hes a great guy... 

jerry: yeah. 

laura: you would really like him, you know, i cant wait to get on that boat. 

jerry: me too! 

jerry: i swear, i have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. i dont get it, okay? i, i, i admit, i, im not getting the signals. i am not getting it! women, theyre so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle. men are not subtle, we are obvious. women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? we want women, thats it! its the only thing we know for sure, it really is. we want women. how do we get them? oh, we dont know bout that, we dont know. the next step after that we have no idea. this is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. these are the best ideas weve had so far. the car-horn honk. have you seen men doing this? what is this? the man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. hey! this man is out of ideas. how does it...? i dont think she likes me. the amazing thing is, that we still get women, dont we? men, i mean, men are with women. you see men with women. how are men getting women, many people wonder. let me tell you a little bit about our organization. wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. thats why, i think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like where to meet men? were here, we are everywhere. were honking our horns to serve you better. 

jerry: so, im on line at the supermarket. two women in front of me. one of them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. they both of course choose to pay by the use of the... 

audience: cheque. 

jerry: cheque. now, the fact is, if its a woman in front of you thats writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. i have noticed that women are very fast with cheques, you know, cause they write out so many cheques. the keys, they can never find in their purse, they dont know where that is, but the cheque book they got that. they never fumble for the cheque book. the cheque book comes out of a holster (jerry draws imaginary book from a holster.) who do i make it out to? theres my id. theres something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. i dont know exactly what it is. i think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says, i dont have any money, but if youll contact these people, im sure theyll stick up for me... if you just trust me this one time- i dont have any money but i have these. i wrote on these. is this of any value at all? 

jerry: whats that one? 

elaine: coccoon ii the return. i guess they didnt like it up there. 

jerry: maybe they came back for chinese food. yknow maureen stapleton, if she gets a craving, shes probably screamin at those aliens, i gotta have a lo mein! 

elaine: okay, whatre we doing here? i have seen everything. 

jerry: oh yeah? i dont believe youve seen... this. 

elaine: oh, lovely. 

jerry: yeah. 

elaine: what do you think their parents think? 

jerry: so, uh, whats your son doing now, dr. stevens? oh, hes a public fornicator. yes, hes a fine boy... 

elaine: you know what? this would be a really funny gift for pamelas birthday. 

jerry: pamela? do i know her? 

elaine: yeah, you met her when we were going out. 

jerry: oh yeah, right... 

elaine: you have no idea who im talking about, do you? 

jerry: (quickly) no. 

elaine: blonde hair, remember? glasses? (pause) have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple? 

jerry: (a lightbulb goes on in his head) riverside drive. 

elaine: right! in fact... no, never mind... 

jerry: well, what is it? 

elaine: well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some bar for her birthday, but... (jerry turns in disgust) you dont want to go to... that... no. 

jerry: wait a second, wait a second. we could work out a little deal here. 

elaine: what little deal? 

jerry: i will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding i have on saturday. 

elaine: a wedding? have you lost it, man? 

jerry: you know, my parents are coming in for this... 

elaine: theyre coming in? 

jerry: yeah, tomorrow. 

elaine: hey, did your father ever get that hair weave? 

jerry: no, no. still doing the big sweep across. 

elaine: why does he do that? 

jerry: doesnt think anyone can tell. so cmon, do we have a deal? 

elaine: a wedding? 

jerry: theres a lot of people to mock... 

elaine: all right, what the hell. 

jerry: great! 

woman: when youre dead, youre dead. thats it. youre not going anywhere... 

elaine: cmon lets go... 

jerry: was i supposed to bring something? 

elaine: you could have. 

jerry: i met her one time... 

elaine: it is not necessary. 

jerry: what did you say then? 

elaine: shh!!! 

pamela: hi 

elaine: hi, pamela, you remember jerry. 

pamela: (shakes jerry's hand) yes, we met. 

jerry: hi, happy birthday. 

pamela: thanks, ah, everybody, this is elaine and jerry. 

guests, jerry and elaine: hi 

jerry: i didnt bring anything. 

pamela: uh, i put you two right here. 

jerry: oh, okay (turns to rest of table) im sorry, i didnt know what to bring, nobody told me. 

vanessa: how big a tip do you think it would take to get him to stop? 

jerry: im in for five... 

vanessa: ill supply the hat. 

jerry: (thinking) uh-oh... what do we have here? 

vanessa: why dont you relax and take your jacket off? 

jerry: oh, i cant. uh, i have a tendency to get chilly. 

vanessa: how masculine. 

jerry: plus im wearing short sleeves, i dont want to expose my tattoos. (vanessa smiles; thinking) shes unbelievable! 

roger: (to vanessa) hey, this guy says he knows bricker. 

vanessa: oh, you know bricker! from where? 

jerry: (thinking) whats going on here? gotta be her boyfriend, shes too good to be alone. whats the difference, i cant manouver anyway with elaine next to me. 

vanessa: (to jerry) how do you know pamela? 

jerry: uh, friend of a friend. and you? 

vanessa: we went to law school together. 

elaine: (interrupting jerry's conversation) oh, jerry! 

jerry: (turning to elaine; thinking) oh no, not now. 

elaine: i had this dream last night and you were in it. 

jerry: oh really? (tries turning away in the hopes elaine gets the hint; thinking) oh god, i gotta get out of this. 

elaine: you were you, but, you werent you... 

jerry: no kidding. (thinking) why is this happening? please, make her stop! 

elaine: i think, i think we were in my house where i grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window... 

jerry: (thinking) this is brutal. 

elaine: you turned around and you had these wooden teeth. 

jerry: how do you like that? (tries to turn away again; thinking)can i turn now? is this over? no, i cant, i cant. im stuck. 

elaine: (noticing jerry not wanting to listen; annoyed) jerry? are you listening to me? 

jerry: yes, i heard you. 

pamela: elaine, whats the name of that jewelry store you took me to that time? 

jerry: (thinking) thank you, pamela! (turns to talk to vanessa; to vanessa) so, youre a lawyer... 

vanessa: sagman, bennet, robbins, oppenheim and taft. 

jerry: (thinking) sagman, bennet, robbins, oppenheim and taft. sagman, bennet, robbins, oppenheim and taft... (to vanessa) of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit. 

vanessa: oh, that was you? 

jerry: imagine, spelling mom with two os. 

vanessa: very funny! what do you do? 

jerry: comedian. 

vanessa: really? that explains it. 

jerry: (thinking; quickly) sagman, bennet, robbins, oppenheim and taft. sagman, bennet, robbins, oppenheim and taft. 

roger: are you ready? 

vanessa: we gotta run. happy birthday! 

jerry: (thinking) i cant believe it. i got nothing! i dont even know her name! sagman, bennet, robbins, oppenheim and taft. sagman, bennet, robbins, oppen... sagman... sag... 

jerry: that wasnt so bad, really. 

elaine: you know, um, you could use a little work on your manners. 

jerry: why? what did i do? 

elaine: wel-well, i just dont appreciate these little courtesy responses, like im selling you aluminum siding. 

jerry: i was listening! 

elaine: no! you couldnt wait to get back to your little... conversation. 

jerry: no, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had. 

elaine: uh-huh... 

jerry: where you had, uh, wooden teeth. 

elaine: no! no! you had wooden teeth! you had wooden teeth! i didnt have wooden teeth, you did! 

jerry: all right, so i had wooden teeth, so what? 

elaine: so nothing! nothing. (annoyed sigh) 

jerry: apparently plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. he named it after himself. he said, yeah, i got this new thing platonic. my idea, my name, callin it after myself. what i do is, i go out with the girls, i talk with them- dont do anything, and go right home. whatd you think? i think its going to be big! i bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didnt work. yknow, i bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went, uh, hi, uh my names rico. would you like to go to bed immediately? hey, its a riconic relationship. 

jerry: hey! 

morty: ah, there he is! 

jerry: this is what i like, see? you come home and your parents are in your bed! 

helen: yknow, jerry, we dont have to do this. 

jerry: what are you talkin about? its fine, i love having you here. 

helen: tomorrow well go to a hotel. 

jerry: ma, will you stop? 

helen: no, why should we take over your apartment? 

jerry: i dont care. im sleeping next door. 

helen: your friend kramer doesnt mind? 

jerry: no, hes making a bouillabaisse. 

jerry: so, dad, lemme ask you a question. how many people work at these big law offices? 

morty: depends on the firm. 

jerry: yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was? 

morty: whats the matter? you need a lawyer? 

jerry: no, i met someone at this party, and i know where she works, but i dont know her name. 

morty: so why dont you ask someone who was at the party? 

jerry: nah, the only one i could ask is elaine, and i cant ask her. 

helen: why not? 

jerry: because its complicated. theres some tension there. 

helen: he used to go with her. 

helen: which one is she? 

morty: from maryland. the one who brought you the chocolate covered cherries you didnt like. 

helen: oh yeah, very alert. warm person. 

jerry: oh yeah, shes great. 

helen: so, how come nothing materialized there? 

jerry: well, its a tough thing to talk about uh. i dunno... 

helen: i know what it was. 

jerry: you dont know what it was. 

helen: so, what was it? 

jerry: well, we fight a lot for some reason. 

helen & morty: oh, well... 

jerry: and there was a little problem with the physical chemistry. 

helen: well, i think shes a very attractive girl. 

jerry: oh, she is, she absolutely is. 

helen: i can see if there was a weight problem... 

jerry: no, its not that. it wasnt all one-sided. 

helen: you know, you cant be so particular. nobodys perfect. 

jerry: i know, i know... 

morty: yknow jerry, its a good thing i wasnt so particular. 

helen: (hits morty) idiot. (to jerry) so whore you looking for, sophia loren? 

jerry: thats got nothin to do with it. 

morty: how about loni anderson? 

helen: where do you get loni anderson? 

morty: why, whats wrong with loni anderson? 

helen: i like elaine more than loni anderson. 

jerry: what are you two talking about? look, elaine just wasnt the one. 

helen: and this other ones the one? 

jerry: i dunno, maybe... 

morty: so ask elaine there for her number. 

jerry: i cant. shell get upset. i never talk about other women with her, especially this one tonight. 

helen: how could you still see her if your not interested? 

jerry: were friends. 

morty: doesnt sound like youre friends to me. if you were friends you'd-youd ask her for the number. do you know where this other one works? 

jerry: oh yeah. 

morty: well, go up to the office. 

helen: up to her office? 

morty: go to the building. she goes out to lunch, doesnt she? 

jerry: i guess. 

morty: so, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch. 

jerry: you mean stakeout the lobby? 

helen: morty, thats ridiculous. just ask elaine for the number! 

morty: he doesnt want to ask elaine for the number. 

helen: so youve got him standing by the elevator like a dope! what happens when he sees her? 

morty: he pretends he bumped into her! 

jerry: yknow what? this is not that bad an idea. 

george: what does she look like? 

jerry: i dunno. hard to say. 

george: what actress does she remind you of? 

jerry: loni anderson. 

george: loni anderson?! 

jerry: what, theres something wrong with loni anderson? (pause) hey listen, thanks again for running over here. i appreciate it. 

george: yeah, sure. i was showing a condo on 48th street. besides, you think i wanna miss this? (chuckles) 

jerry: im a little nervous. 

george: yeah, me too... 

jerry: if i see her, what do i say that im doing here in the building? 

george: you came to see me. i work in the building. 

jerry: what do you do? 

george: im an architect. 

jerry: youre an architect? 

george: im not? 

jerry: i dont see architecture comin from you. 

george: (somewhat annoyed) i suppose you could be an architect. 

jerry: i never said that i was the architect. just somethin else. 

george: all right, shes not even gonna ask, if we see her, which is remote. 

jerry: well whaddaya want me to say, that i just wandered in here? 

george: were having lunch with a friend. he works in the building. 

jerry: what is his name? 

george: bert... har... bin... son. bert har-bin-son. 

jerry: bert harbinson? it sounds made up. 

george: no good? all right, uh how about art... cor..... 

jerry: art cor... 

george: ...velay. 

jerry: corvelay? 

george: yeah, right. 

jerry: well, what does he do? 

george: hes an importer. 

jerry: just imports, no exports? 

george: (annoyed) hes an importer/exporter, okay? (beat) elaine ever call you back? 

jerry: no, i guess shes still mad. 

george: i dont understand, you never talk to her about other women? 

jerry: never. (the elevator door opens.) wait a second. thats her. on the right. 

george: (anxious) i forgot who i am! who am i?! 

jerry: youre you. were having lunch with art corvelay. 

george: vandelay! 

jerry: corvelay! 

george: let me be the architect! i can do it! 

jerry: hey, hey. uh pamelas birthday party, didnt i see you there? jerry. 

vanessa: sure! hi! 

jerry: uh, this is george. (reaches for her name) im sorry... 

vanessa: vanessa. 

george: nice to meet you. 

jerry: ah, sagman, bennet, robbins, oppenheim and taft. 

vanessa: thats right! yea, whatre you doing here? 

jerry: oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. he works here in the building. 

george: yeah, art vandelay. 

vanessa: really? which company? 

jerry & george: (turning to each other) i dont know. hes an importer. 

vanessa: importer? 

george: ...and exporter. 

jerry: hes an importer/exporter. 

george: (clears his throat) im, uh, im an architect. 

vanessa: really. what do you design? 

george: uh, railroads, uh... 

vanessa: i thought engineers do that. 

george: they can... 

jerry: yknow im sorry you had to leave so early the other night. 

vanessa: oh, me too. my cousin had to go back to boston. 

jerry: oh, that guy was your cousin! (walking in front of george so he gets the picture to leave) 

vanessa: yeah, and that woman was your... 

jerry: friend! 

george: ill just, uh, get a paper... 

jerry: so, um, do you date uh immature men? 

vanessa: almost exclusively... 

helen: bum bum bum bum... i have no letters... bum bum bum bum... 

jerry: (annoyed) ma, will you go already? 

helen: bum bum bum bum... 

jerry: what are you doing?! 

helen: wait, i just want to see something. 

jerry: you cant look in there, were playing! 

kramer: hi. 

jerry: hi. 

morty: (cleaning his shoes) good evening, mr. kramer! 

kramer: hey morty! (to jerry) salad dressing? 

jerry: look. 

helen: quo. is that a word? 

jerry: maybe! 

helen: will you challenge it? 

jerry: ma, you cant look up words in the dictionary! (to morty) dad, shes cheating! 

kramer: quo? thats not a word. 

helen: (to jerry) youre such a stickler... 

jerry: well put something down, youre taking twenty minutes on this. so is uncle mac and artie, theyre all coming over here before the wedding? 

helen: theyll be here at two oclock. oh, elaine called. she said shed be here at two-thirty. and she says hope your meeting went well with art vandelay? 

jerry: she said what? 

helen: just what i said, here. 

jerry: she knows! oh, i am such a jackass. 

helen: she knows what? 

jerry: she knows the whole stupid thing. vanessa and the elevator... 

helen: no, no, no, that wont do. he may have a z. 

morty: so, how did she find out? 

jerry: because, vanessa probably told pamela, and pamela probably told elaine. 

morty: so, what are you? afraid of her? 

jerry: yes. yes i am! (to helen) what else did she say on the phone? 

helen: whatever i wrote down. 

jerry: yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? how did she sound? 

helen: who am i, rich little? 

morty: well, she cant be too mad. shes still coming to the wedding. 

jerry: yeah, but now im nervous. 

helen: oh, stop it. 

jerry: quone? 

helen: ...30...31... 

jerry: quone? no, im afraid that im going to have to challenge that. 

helen: ...32... 

kramer: no, you dont have to challenge that. thats a word. thats a definite word. 

jerry: i am challenging. 

kramer: quone. to quone something. 

jerry: uh-huh. 

helen: im not playing with you anymore. 

morty: quones not a word. 

jerry: no good. sorry. there it is. get it off. 

helen: (to kramer) why did you make me put that down? 

kramer: nah, we need a medical dictionary! if a patient gets difficult, you quone him. 

carol: you want some funny material, you oughta come down to where i work, now thats a sitcom! 

jerry: you must have quite a time down there. 

carol: we got plenty of time. 

jerry: oh, im sorry. im just waiting for someone. 

uncle mac: watch what you say to this guy. hell put it in his next act! 

jerry: yeah, yeah... 

uncle mac: jerry, did i tell you that im writing a book? an autobiography. 

jerry: yeah, uncle mac, you mentioned it. 

uncle mac: its based on all my experiences! 

jerry: thats perfect. 

jerry: could you excuse me one second? im sorry. 

jerry: how do you do? (introducing himself) uh, jerry seinfeld. 

elaine: oh, how do you do? elaine benes. 

jerry: um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get in the car? 

elaine: oh no, lets do it now. 

jerry: all right, the whole elevator business, let me just explain- 

elaine: okay. 

artie: jerry, were you goin with us? 

jerry: no, im gonna take my car. 

artie: thats why i brought the wagon. why the hell did i bring the wagon? 

jerry: anyway, you know why i didnt ask you, i mean i felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab. 

elaine: well, jerry, i never saw you flirt with anyone before. it was quite the spectacle. 

carol: jerry, well see you there. bye, elaine. 

elaine: oh, bye. good to see you. 

artie: oh, we didnt meet. 

jerry: oh, im sorry. elaine, this is my cousin, artie levine. 

artie: (correcting jerry) levine. 

jerry: (sarcastically) yeah, levine. and im jerry cougar mellencamp. anyway, i admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but i mean, i mean, obviously we have a little problem here. 

elaine: yeah, obviously. 

jerry: i mean, if were gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people. 

elaine: couldnt agree more. 

jerry: good. 

elaine: good. 

jerry: good. 

elaine: great! 

jerry: great? where do you get great? 

elaine: its great to... talk about... other people... 

jerry: ...guys? 

elaine: yeah. 

jerry: uh-huh. yeah. so, anybody specific? 

elaine: no. a general guy. 

jerry: oh really? elaine marie benes... 

elaine: what? no, its not a big deal. 

jerry: no, thats great! thats terrific! 

elaine: no, we just met... 

jerry: doesnt matter. whats the young mans name? i would like to meet him. 

elaine: hmmm, i dont think so. 

jerry: well, what does he do? is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort? 

elaine: wall street. 

jerry: ah, high finance. bulls, bears, people from conneticut. 

elaine: and he happens to be pretty good lookin. 

jerry: (pause) all right, sir. 

elaine: and... hes hilarious. 

jerry: now thats not fair! so where did you meet this guy? 

elaine: i staked out his health club. 

jerry: uh huh. when youre on a stakeout, do you find its better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant? 

jerry: yknow i think that even if youve had a relationship with someone, or lets say, especially if youve had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, its very difficult. isnt this? its hard. because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. its like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. the one goes, look, a rabbit. the other goes, so? i believe this is your card. look, why dont we just saw each other in half and call it a night, okay? 

jerry: so i move into the centre lane, now i get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason i guess, that she thought that i cut her off. so, she pulls up along side of me, gives me the finger. it seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. its a finger, what does it mean? someone shows me one of their fingers and im supposed to feel bad. is that the way its supposed to work? i mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldnt you? i would feel worse if i got the toe, than if i got the finger. cause its not easy to give someone the toe, youve gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up and... (jerry pretends to drive with one foot in the air, giving the toe.) look at that toe, buddy. (he puts his foot down.) i mean, thats really insulting to get the toe, isnt it? 

jerry: is that it? got the cue tips, got the mini-umbrella, something boring to read on the plane. (jerry zips his bag ceremoniously.) thats it. done! 

elaine: (claps her hands) that is the single greatest packing performance i have ever seen. 

jerry: (proudly) i am...the master packer. 

elaine: (laughs) yeah, right, youre the master packer. 

jerry: what you must understand, elaine, (picking up the umbrella) packing is no different than leading men into battle. (jerry hits his bag rhythmically with his umbrella.) youve gotta know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier in that platoon. from a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks. 

elaine: (raising her hand) scuse me, master packer... 

jerry: yes. 

elaine: just gimme your keys. 

jerry: all right, sir. (he tosses elaine his keys. the apartment buzzer goes off; jerry presses the first button; to the intercom) george? 

george: (from the intercom) yeah. 

elaine: okay, so, now, is there anything else i need to know about this place? 

jerry: uh, yeah, the, uh, hot water takes a little while to come on. so, the best thing to do is to turn it on, do all your shopping, you come back and take a shower. 

elaine: okay, this is quite a place. 

jerry: theres more. the refrigerator. 

jerry: deduct a minimum of two days off all expiration dates. (he uses the umbrella to point to certain compartments in the fridge.) no meat, no leftovers, no butter. (he closes the fridge.) and i cannot overstate this no soft cheeses of any kind. is that clear? 

elaine: ill eat out. 

jerry: one more thing, benes, regarding sexual activity strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour. do it in the tub. 

george: (to jerry) ready? 

jerry: yeah, one sec. 

george: hey, elaine. 

elaine: hi. 

george: coming to the airport with us? 

elaine: no, im staying here for the weekend. im getting a break from my roommate. 

george: oh, the actress-waitress? 

elaine: no, the waitress-actress. she just got some part in some dinner theater production of a chorus line. so, now all day long shes walking around the apartment singing, god, i hope i get it, i hope i get it! shes gonna get it right in her... 

george: so just kick her out. 

elaine: shes on the lease! george you have got to find another place for me. 

george: yeah, well...a little rough finding something good in your price-range. (to jerry) but you, my friend, may be in luck. 

jerry: im not looking. 

george: no no no, this ones different. this ones a beauty! 

jerry: yeah, whats it like? 

george: i havent seen it yet, but its a two-bedroom, its on the uh, west 83rd, bout a half block from the park? 

jerry: how much? 

george: uh, twice what youre payin here, but its a great building. its two bedrooms! 

jerry: two bedrooms? why do i need two bedrooms? i got enough trouble maintaining activity in one. (george gives elaine a look while jerrys back is turned. jerry turns around.) i saw that. 

elaine: you oughta at least take a look at it. 

jerry: really? why? 

elaine: cause then i could move in here. 

jerry: ohhhh... 

elaine: its time you got outta here anyway. 

george: yeah, tell im. but quickly, im double parked here. 

elaine: listen, jerry, this place is falling apart. you have no hot water, you cant have soft cheese... 

george: lets not forget the radiator. the steam has been on here for ten years. no human can turn this off. 

elaine: jerry, come on, youre doin okay now. you should at least take a look at this place. you shouldnt have to live like this. 

jerry: like this? you just said you wanted to live here. 

elaine: well, for me its a step up. its like moving from iceland to finland. 

george: jerry, what do you, you wanna, you wanna see the place or not? 

jerry: i cant think about it now. come on, im going to minneapolis. i got four shows this weekend. 

jerry: elaine. (jerry puts his bags down, sits down on the couch, picks up the remote control and points it at the spot the tv usually occupies. the tv is not there. he continues to point the remote at random things around the room, searching for the tv.) elaine! 

elaine: (from the bathroom) jerry! (elaine enters the living-room.) jerry, oh, hi, welcome back. how were the shows? 

jerry: great, i had fun. wheres the tv, wheres the vcr? 

jerry: what? 

elaine: they were stolen. 

jerry: stolen? when? 

elaine: a couple a hours ago. the police are coming right over. 

jerry: stolen? 

elaine: (looking at kramer) someone left the door open. 

jerry: (to kramer) you left the door open?! 

kramer: uh, jer, well you know, i was cookin and i, i uh, i came in to get this spatula...and i left the door open, cause i was gonna bring the spatula right back! 

jerry: wait, you left the lock open or the door open? 

kramer: (guiltily) the door. 

jerry: the door? you left the door open? 

kramer: yeah, well, i was gonna bring the spatula right back. 

jerry: yeah, and? 

kramer: well, i got caught up... watching a soap opera. the bold and the beautiful. 

jerry: so the door was wide open? 

kramer: wide open! 

jerry: (to elaine) and where were you? 

elaine: i was at bloomingdales... waiting for the shower to heat up. 

kramer: look, jerry, im sorry, im uh- you have insurance, right buddy? 

jerry: no. 

kramer: (shocked) how can you not have insurance? 

jerry: because i spent my money on the clapgo d-29. its the most impenetrable lock on the market today. it has only one design flaw. the door... (jerry pushes the door shut.) ...must be closed!! 

kramer: jerry! im gonna find your stuff. im gonna solve it, im on the case, buddy, im on the case. 

jerry: yeah, dont investigate, dont pay me back, it was an accident. 

kramer: (theatrical) i made a mistake. 

elaine: these things happen. 

kramer: im human. 

jerry: in your way. 

policeman: lets see, thats, one tv, a stereo, one leather jacket, a vcr and a computer...is that bout it? 

elaine: answering machine. 

jerry: (disappointed) answering machine. (jovially) oh, i hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls. 

policeman: what do you mean? 

jerry: its a joke. 

policeman: i see. well, mister seinfeld uh, well look into it and uh, well let you know if we uh, you know, if we find anything. 

jerry: you ever find anything? 

policeman: no. 

jerry: well, thanks anyway. 

policeman: you bet. 

elaine: i didnt get that joke either. 

jerry: the crook has the machine. the messages arent for him. hes the crook. why would he answer- (jerry gives up on the explanation and turns around to see george standing behind him.) how did you get in here? 

george : i walked in, your lobby door is broken again. 

jerry: again? 

george: i dont know how you put up with this. 

elaine: yeah, tell im george. 

jerry: (to elaine) you would still wanna move in here? 

elaine: yes! you dont understand. im living with ethel merman without the talent. 

jerry: (to george) is that uh, other apartment still available? 

jerry: i got ripped off for about the...18th time? and now, the first couple a times you go through it, its very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say, call the police. you really should call the police. so you think to yourself, you know, you watch tv, you think, yeah, im calling the police. stakeouts, manhunts... im gonna see some real action. right, you think that. so, the police come over to your house, they fill out the report. they give you your copy. now, unless they give the crook his copy, i dont really think were gonna crack this case, do you? its not like batman, where theres three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. it makes them a lot tougher to spot. did you lose a sony? it could be the penguin. i think we can round him up, hes dressed like a penguin! we can find him, hes a penguin! 

elaine: oh, well, come on. this is an apartment, this is a home! this is a place to live. oooh, a fireplace, are you kidding me! does this work? 

george: i didnt know there was a fireplace. a fireplace, that's incredible. 

jerry: how do you get all that wood in here? 

elaine: they deliver it. 

jerry: they deliver wood? 

elaine: yeah. 

jerry: what do you tip a wood guy? 

george: i didnt know there was a fireplace. 

elaine: look! look at- look at this! theres a garden. 

george: a garden! i cant believe theres a garden! 

jerry: would i have to get a gardener? 

elaine: yeah, you can get a gardener. 

jerry: you tip him? 

elaine: you can. 

george: (to elaine) you dont tip a gardener! 

elaine: you can tip a gardener. 

george: you dont need a gardener. 

elaine: jerry, you can barbecue back here. 

jerry: they deliver the coal? 

elaine: sure, its...probably the same guy, who delivers the wood. 

jerry: oh, then i gotta tip him. 

elaine: oh, damn, this place is incredible, look at all this great light! 

jerry: i dont have any plants. 

george: i have plants. (snorts) 

elaine: jerry, look at this closet! look at this! im walking in it! (elaine walks into the closet.) its a walk-in. can you believe it? im nuts about this, what do you think? 

jerry: i like that. (he opens the closet. elaine walks out with an angry look.) what do you think, george? 

george: its your decision. 

jerry: im takin it, im takin the place. im gonna take it, this is gonna be my new place. im livin here...im movin. 

elaine: (laughing with joy) your movin? that means im movin. (she hugs jerry.) geeeeee (to george) isnt that incredible! 

george: (unenthusiastic) congratulations. 

elaine: what about the couch? 

jerry: you like the couch? ill tell you what im gonna do. 

elaine: what? 

jerry: youre movin in, youre a good friend, i wanna start you off on the right foot. give me...a hundred and fifty dollars. (elaine is shocked, jerry opens the door to the hall.) get it outta here right now, take it out the door, i dont even wanna see it, go, get it out. 

elaine: a hundred and fifty dollars? a hundred and fifty dollars for what? for this couch? 

jerry: yeah! 

elaine: for this couch?! 

jerry: okay, you tell me. what is it worth? 

elaine: okay, uh, ill tell you what. i could go as high as uh... (she takes a closer look at couch.) i dont know, maybe...twenty dollars? 

jerry: yeah? 

george: (from the intercom) yeah, its george. 

jerry: come on up. (jerry presses the second button and opens the apartment door. he walks back to the couch.) oh, all right, forget it, im gonna take it with me now... (he picks up the cushions.) im just gonna pack up the cushions right now... 

elaine: okay okay okay okay, you win. forty dollars. 

jerry: (continuing unphased) you wanna get the other end, cause i wanna get it in the hall. 

elaine: fifty dollars, okay? fifty dollars, is that all right? 

jerry: fifty dollars? 

elaine: uh-huh. 

jerry: thank you very much. 

elaine: thank you very much. 

george: hey, whats goin on? 

elaine: i just bought jerrys couch for fifty dollars. 

jerry: (to george) so did you bring the lease? (george takes the lease from his inside pocket and hands it to jerry.) all right, gee, three years, that kinda seems like a long time. 

george: (frantic) oh, jerry jerry jerry jerry jerry, listen, if, if you are feeling uncomfortable about this at all, at all. do not feel like you have to take it. 

jerry: why? 

george: if youre having second thoughts, if you didnt want it, dont worry about it because uh, you know, i, i...i could take it, you know. 

jerry: you could take it? you want it? 

george: no, i dont want it. i want it, if you dont want it. 

jerry: so you do want it. 

george: no i, i want it if you dont want it. 

jerry: you just said you wanted it! 

george: no, im saying, if a situation arose in which you didnt want it, i might take it. 

jerry: so take it. 

george: how can i take it? 

jerry: how can i take it? 

george: its your apartment! 

jerry: how can i want it now, if you want it? 

elaine: excuse me, uh, i dont mean to cause any trouble here, but george, if you take it, can i take your place? 

george: yes, but i am not taking it. 

jerry: i...am not taking it. 

elaine: well, one of you better damn well take it! 

jerry: well, whaddaya wanna do here? 

george: i, i dont know. 

jerry: do you wanna flip a coin? 

george: who flips? youll flip, ill call. 

jerry: okay, fine. (jerry takes a coin from his pocket.) this is the official flip. no crying, no guilt, winner takes all and thats it. agreed? 

george: im good. 

elaine: i dont know, who to root for, georges place has carpeting. 

jerry: all right, now you call it in the air. 

george: no catchin. 

jerry: no no. 

george: flip it. 

george: heads! 

jerry: tails! 

george: no, it hit the table, it hit the table. 

jerry: so what? 

george: interference! you cant count that! come on, are you crazy?! the coin cannot touch anything, it affects it. 

jerry: you didnt call no interference! 

george: you dont have to call that! thats a rule! 

jerry: i dont believe this. 

george: oh oh oh, all right, fine, jerry, you win. take it, just take it! 

jerry: i dont wanna win it like this! elaine, what do you think? 

elaine: id better not. 

jerry: well, ill tell you what. ill choose you for it. straight choose, three takes it, no disputes...thats it, you gotta win three. 

george: okay. (they walk around each other.) ok. ill choose you. whaddaya want? 

jerry: odds. 

george: i want evens. 

jerry: good. 

george: you got odds. 

jerry: you got evens. 

george: right, ready? 

jerry: for the apartment. 

both: once, twice, three, shoot! 

jerry: mine! 

both: once, twice, three, shoot! 

jerry: mine! 

both: once, twice, three, shoot! 

george: mine! 

both: once, twice, three, shoot! 

george: congratulations...congratulations. 

jerry: thanks. 

george: i'm just gonna...wash. (george walks to the bathroom; screaming) why did i put up two? why did i put up two? 

kramer: jerry, i think im on to something. i think i found your stuff. you know the englishman who lives down the hall? 

jerry: yeah. 

kramer: the last couple a days hes been acting very strange. i think hes avoiding me. 

jerry: hard to imagine. 

kramer: yeah! and get this i just got off the elevator with him and i tested him, i tested him, like i...this is what i said to him, like i, i was like this, i went, oh, by the way, i know about the stuff. 

kramer: ..you know, very casually, 

jerry: right. 

kramer: (cont'd) so that he was gonna take me into his confidence. 

elaine: so what did he say? 

kramer: what stuff? 

jerry: ooh, (to elaine) case closed! 

kramer: no, you dont understand, you see, he swallowed. see, the guy, he swallowed. oh, he was nervous about something! now, im gonna go over there, im gonna borrow some tea. if i dont get back in five minutes, maybe youd better call the police. 

jerry: okay, starting...now! 

kramer: yeah! 

jerry: one of the problems in life is that when youre a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements. and those laws do not work in the adult world. one of the main ways that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. one of them says, i got the front seat i wanted the front seat! i called it. and the other kid knows hes got nothing to say he called it. what can i do? if there was a kid court of law, it holds up. your honour, my client did ask for the front seat and the judge would go, did he call it? well no, he didnt call- bang! (jerry imitates a judge banging his gavel.) he has to call it, case closed. objection overruled. 

george: i love the mirror in that bathroom! i dont know what in the hell it is. i look terrific in that mirror. (george sits.) i dont know if its the tile or the lighting... i feel like robert wagner. 

jerry: its a good mirror. (they look at their menus.) so, what are you gettin? 

george: i dont know, i cant eat. you, you cant have anything anymore. look at this, look at this. eggs out. coffee out. french fries out. blt out! i go to visit my grandparents three big brisket sandwiches, im sittin here with a carrot! theyre closing in on a hundred, im sayin to them, how can you eat that stuff? (they look at their menus again.) im so sick about losin that choose, you dont know. 

jerry: all right, forget it, forget it. im not taking the place! 

george: what?! 

jerry: how can i live there? 

george: why not?! 

jerry: look at you, youre still thinking about it. ill never feel comfortable. 

george: oh, get outta here. 

jerry: how can i ever have you over? youll sit there moping. 

george: i wont mope. 

jerry: youre already moping! would you take the place? 

george: no, impossible! its your apartment. 

jerry: you found the place. 

george: you won the choose. 

jerry: all right, forget it, its over, im not moving. 

george: well, me neither. 

jerry: definitely? 

george: definitely. 

jerry: alright, then just get rid of it. you wont have any problem. 

george: no, its not a problem, i can get rid of the apartment this afternoon. 

carol: what apartment? 

george: oh, its a great place, its uh two-bedroom uh, west 83rd bout half block from the park. 

carol: whats the rent? 

george: i dont know, what were doin here, this is ridiculous. 

jerry: she wanted to thank us for the apartment. 

elaine: i cant believe i lost the deposit on that u-haul. and i threw out my couch. 

jerry: if only the coin hadnt hit the table. 

george: the table is interference, you know it! 

jerry: it is not! 

george: it is too! 

elaine: my roommate starts rehearsal tonight on carousel. 

carol: hi. 

george: hi, carol. 

carol: i just wanted to introduce you to my husband, this is larry. 

carol: this is george, elaine and jerry. these are the guys who got us the apartment. 

larry: oh, you dont know how grateful i am, if theres anything i can ever do to repay you, i, i mean, were just so thrilled with this place. 

carol: its a dream. 

larry: im running in the park now, ive lost weight, were barbecuing every night and the rent is unbelievable. 

george: were really glad for you. 

elaine: couldnt be happier. 

jerry: its wonderful. 

carol: diane, diane, come here. 

carol: this is my new next door neighbour, diane. 

carol: (to diane) these are the guys, who turned this place down, can you believe it? (to jerry, george and elaine) diane gave me the greatest backrub today. shes a masseuse! 

diane: how, how could you guys have turned this place down, its such a great location and its...so close to the park. 

george: were aware of the proximity to the park, yes. 

diane: well, it was nice to meet you. 

george: nice meeting you. 

jerry: how late are the stores open? im thinking of maybe uh, buying a new tv and smash it over my head. 

man #1: i get a call from gilmour this morning, and get this theyre restructuring the organization in atlanta and i gotta be there on the first of the month. 

man #2: really? what are you gonna bout the apartment? 

man #1: well, what can i do? give it up. 

jerry, george & elaine: whats the rent? 

jerry: most men like working on things. tools, objects, fixing things. this is what men enjoy doing. have you ever noticed a guys out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. they just come wandering out of the house like zombies. men, its true, men hear a drill, its like a dog whistle. just... (his head perks up) you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, honey, i think jims working on something over there. so they run over to the guy. now they dont actually help the guy. no, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. thats what men want to do. we want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. you know, what are you using, a phillips-head? you know, we feel involved. thats why when they have construction sites, they have to have those wood panel fences around it, thats just to keep the men out. they cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. but if they dont cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. right over there. what are you using the steel girders down there? yeah, thatll hold. 

george: i had to say something. (chuckles) i had to say something. everything was going so well. i had to say something. 

jerry: i dont think you did anything wrong. 

george: i told her i liked her. why? why did i tell her i like her? i have this sick compulsion to tell women how i feel. i like you i dont tell you. 

jerry: we can only thank god for that. 

george: im outta the picture. i am outta the picture. (laughs) its only a matter of time now. 

jerry: youre imagining this. really. 

george: oh, no. no no no no. 

george: ill tell you when it happened. when that floss came flying out of my pocket. 

jerry: what floss? when? 

george: we were in the lobby during the intermission of the play. i was buying her one of those containers of orange drink, for five dollars. i reached into my pocket to pay for it, i looked down; theres this piece of green floss hanging from my fingers. 

jerry: ah, mint. 

george: of course. so, im looking at it. i look up, i see shes looking at it. our eyes lock. it was a horrible moment. i just.. 

jerry: so let me get this straight. she saw the floss, you panicked and you told her you liked her. 

george: if i didnt put that floss in my pocket, id be crawling around her bedroom right now looking for my glasses. 

jerry: and youre sure the floss was the catalyst? 

george: yes, i am. 

jerry: you dont think it mightve had anything to do with that? 

george: what? you dont like this? 

jerry: it looks like your belt is digesting a small animal. 

kramer: (to the phone) oh, theyve got a cure for cancer. see, its all big business. oh hey, jerry just walked in. hi, george. (to the phone again) yeah yeah yeah yeah take my number. 555-8643. okay, here he is. 

jerry: (to kramer) who is it? 

kramer: take it. 

jerry: who is it? 

kramer: its for you. 

jerry: (to the phone) hello? (disappointed) oh, hi joel. (jerry hits kramer with a magazine.) no. uh, i was out of town. i just got back. kramer doesnt know anything. hes just my next-door neighbor. uh, nothing much... tuesday? uh, tuesday, no. im meeting somebody... uh, wednesday? wednesdays okay... all right. uh, im a little busy right now. can we talk wednesday morning?... okay... yeah... right... thanks... bye. (jerry hangs up; to kramer) why did you put me on the phone with him? i hate just being handed a phone. 

kramer: well, its your phone. he wanted to talk to you. 

jerry: maybe i didnt want to talk to him. 

kramer: well, why not? 

jerry: he bothers me. i dont even answer the phone anymore because of him. hes turned me into a screener. now i gotta go see him on wednesday. 

george: what do you mean wednesday? i though we had tickets to the knick game wednesday. we got seats behind the bench! what happened? were not going? 

jerry: were going. thats next wednesday. 

george: oh. who is this guy? 

jerry: his name is joel horneck. he lived like three houses down from me when i grew up. he had a ping pong table. we were friends. should i suffer the rest of my life because i like to play ping pong? i was ten. i wouldve been friends with stalin if he had a ping pong table. hes so self-involved. 

kramer: thats for me. (to the phone) kramerica industries. oh, hi, mark. no no no. forget that. i got a better idea. a pizza place where you make your own pie... 

jerry: can you conduct your business elsewhere? 

kramer: (ignoring jerry) no no no. im talking about a whole chain of em. yeah. 

george: i dont know why you even bother with this ping pong guy, ill tell you that. 

jerry: i dont bother with him. hes been calling me for seven years. ive never called him once! hes got the attention span of a five-year-old. sometimes i sit there and i make up things just to see if hes paying attention. 

george: i dont understand why you spend time with this guy. 

jerry: what can i do? break up with him? tell him, i dont think were right for each other. hes a guy! at least with a woman, theres a precendent. you know, the relationship goes sour, you end it. 

george: no no no no, you have to approach this as if he was a woman. 

jerry: just break up with him? 

george: absolutely. you just tell him the truth. 

jerry: the truth. 

jerry: as a guy i dont know how i can break up with another guy. you know what i mean? i dont know how to say, bill, i feel i need to see other men. do you know what i mean? theres nothing i can do. i have to wait for someone to die. i think thats the only way out of this relationship. it could be a long time. see, the great thing about guys is that we can become friends based on almost nothing. just two guys will just become friends just because theyre two guys. thats almost all we need to have in common. cause sports  sports and women  is really all we talk about. if there was no sports and no women the only thing guys would ever say is, so, whats in the refrigerator? 

joel: ...so my shrink wants me to bring my mother in for a session. this guy is a brilliant man. lenny bruce used to go to him. and i think, uh, geraldo. 

jerry: you know, i read the lenny bruce biography, i thought it was really... interesting. he would- 

joel: (to the counter of the restaurant) hey hey hey hey, were starving here! weve been waiting here for ten minutes already! 

jerry: (testing joel) so, im thinking about going to iran this summer. 

joel: i have to eat! i mean, im hypoglycemic. 

jerry: anyway, the hizballah has invited me to perform. (joel shakes his head agreeing; jerry smiles) you know, its their annual terrorist luncheon. 

joel: yeah. 

jerry: (cont'd) im gonna do it in farsi. 

joel: do you think i need a haircut? 

claire: are you ready? 

jerry: yeah, ill have the egg salad on whole wheat. 

joel: (to the waitress) let me ask you a question. this, uh, this turkey sandwich here, is that real turkey, or is it a turkey roll? i dont want that processed turkey. (to jerry) i hate it. 

waitress: i think its real turkey. 

joel: is there a real bird in the back? 

waitress: no, theres not bird but- 

joel: well, how do you know for sure? look, why dont you do me a favor. why dont you go in the back and find out, okay? (the waitress leaves.) unbelievable. 

jerry: how can you talk to someone like that? 

joel: what are you saying? what, you like turkey roll? 

jerry: listen, joel. theres something i have to tell you... 

joel: (laughing) wait, youll never guess who i ran into. 

jerry and joel: howard metro. 

joel: he asked me if i still saw you. i said, sure, i see him all the time. were still great friends. anyway, howard says hello. (laughs) 

jerry: listen, joel, i dont think we should see each other anymore. 

joel: what? 

jerry: this friendship its not working. 

joel: not working? what are you talking about? 

jerry: were just not suited to be friends. 

joel: how can you say that? 

jerry: look, youre a nice guy, its just that... we dont have anything in common. 

joel: (starting to cry) wai-wait. what did i do? tell me. i want to know what i did. 

jerry: y-you didnt do anything. its not you, its me. its- this is very difficult. 

joel: look, i know i call you too much, right? i mean, i know youre a very busy guy. 

jerry: no, its not that. 

joel: (crying) youre one of the few people i can talk to. 

jerry: oh, come on. thats not true. 

joel: i always tell everybody about you. tell everybody to (to the rest of the coffee shop) go see his show! (to jerry) i mean, im your biggest fan! 

jerry: i know, i know. 

joel: i mean, youre my best friend. 

jerry: best friend- ive never been to your apartment. 

joel: i cannot believe that this is happening. i cant believe it. 

jerry: okay, okay. forget it. its okay. i didnt mean it. 

joel: didnt mean what? 

jerry: what i said. ive been under a lot of stress. 

joel: oh, youve been under a lot of stress. 

jerry: just, can we just forget the whole thing ever happend? im sorry. i didnt mean it. i took it out on you. were still friends. were still friends. still friends. okay? look, ill tell you what. ive got knick tickets this wednesday. great seats behind the bench. you want to come with me? come on. 

joel: tonight? 

jerry: no, next wednesday. if it was tonight, i wouldve said tonight. 

joel: do you really want me to go? 

jerry: (lying) yes. 

joel: okay. (jerry gives him some napkins to clean himself up) yeah, okay. great! that would be, thatd be great. so, next wednesday. 

jerry: next wednesday. 

joel: where is that waitress? (to the counter) hey! 

george: ...she calls me up at my office 

jerry: yeah. 

george: (cont'd) she says, we have to talk. 

jerry: ugh, the four worst words in the english language. 

george: that, or whos bra is this? 

jerry: that is worse. 

george: so we order lunch, and were talking. finally, she blurts out how its not working. 

jerry: really. 

george: so, im thinking, as shes saying this, im thinking great, the relationships over. but the egg salads on the way. so now i have a decision do i walk or do i eat? 

jerry: hm. you ate. 

george: we sat there for twenty minutes, chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship. 

jerry: someone says, get out of my life, and that doesnt affect your appetite? 

george: have you ever had their egg salad? 

jerry: it is unbelievable. 

george: its unbelievable. you know what else is unbelievable? i picked up the check. she didnt even offer. she ended it. the least she could do is send me off with a sandwich. 

jerry: how much could you possibly have in there? 

george: its my money. what should i do? throw it out the window? i know a guy who took his vacation on his change. 

jerry: yeah? whered he go, to an arcade? 

george: (sarcastically) thats funny. youre a funny guy. 

jerry: cmon, move up. 

customer: oh great, ewings hurt. 

george: ewings hurt? how long is he going to be out? 

customer: a couple of days at the most but... 

george: geez. 

jerry: oh, god. 

george: i got scared there for a second. the knicks without ewing. 

jerry: listen, george, little problem with the game. 

george: what about it? 

jerry: the thing is, yesterday, i kind of.. uh.. 

george: what? 

jerry: i gave your ticket to horneck. 

george: (not believing him) you what?! 

jerry: yeah, im sorry. i had to give it to horneck. 

george: no! my ticket?! you gave my ticket to horneck? 

jerry: cmon, cmon, go ahead, move up. 

george: why did you give him my ticket for? 

jerry: you didnt see him. it was horrible. 

george: oh, cmon, jerry. i cant believe this. 

jerry: i had to do it. 

george: oh, please. (to the teller) can you change this into bills? 

teller: im sorry, sir. we cant do that. 

jerry: do you want to go with him? you go. i dont mind. 

george: im not going with him. i dont even know the guy. (to the teller) look, they did this for me before. 

teller: look, i can give you these and you can roll them yourself. 

george: you want me to roll six thousand of these?! what, should i quit my job?! 

jerry: no, i do not like the bank. ive heard the expression laughing all the way to the bank. i have never seen anyone actually doing it. and those bank lines. i hate it when theres nobody on the line at all, you know that part, you go to the bank, its empty and you still have to go through the little maze. (walking on the stage like he is going through a maze) can you get a little piece of cheese for me? im almost at the front. id like a reward for this please. 

george: ...thirty-two, thirty-three- 

jerry: george. 

george: not now. 

jerry: could you stop the counting? 

george: nnnnnnngaaa! 

george: what?! 

jerry: can i make it up to you? ill give you fifty bucks for the jug. 

george: oh, yeah, sure. keep your money. 

jerry: well, then im not going to the game either. okay? ill give him both tickets. 

george: oh geeeee. (george pantomimes sticking a knife in his heart, and twists it.) go, go! 

jerry: i- no, i dont want to go. 

george: he was really crying? 

jerry: i had to give him a tissue. in fact, let me call his machine now and ill just make up some excuse why i cant go to the game either. 

george: wait a minute. wait a minute. as long as youre going to lie to the guy, why dont you tell him that you lost both of the tickets, then we can go? 

jerry: george, the man wept. 

kramer: oh, hey guys. man, im telling you, this pizza idea, is really going to happen. 

george: this is the thing where you go and you have to make your own pizza? 

kramer: yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it in the air. and then you get to put your sauce and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and then- you slide it into the oven. 

george: you know, you have to know how to do that. you cant have people shoving their arms into a six-hundred degree oven! 

kramer: its all supervised. 

george: oh, well... 

kramer: all of it. you want to invest? 

george: my moneys all tied up in change right now. 

kramer: no, im tellin you, people, they really want to make their own pizza pie. 

jerry: i-i have to say something. with all due respect, i just never- i cant imagine anyone in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie... but thats me. alright 

kramer: thats you. 

jerry: im just saying..alright. 

kramer: okay, okay. i just wanted to check with you guys. 

jerry: okay. 

kramer: you know, this business is going to be big. i just wanted- okay. 

kramer: one day, youll beg me to make your own pie. 

jerry: (to the phone) hi, joel. this is jerry. i hope you get this before you- oh, hi. joel... oh, you just came in... listen, i cant make it to the game tonight... i, uh, have to tutor my nephew... yeah, hes got an exam tomorrow... geometry... you know, trapezoids, rhombus... anyway, listen, you take the tickets. theyre at the will-call window... and im really sorry... have a good time... well talk next week... okay... yeah, i dont... fine.. fine... bye. 

george: trapezoid? 

jerry: i know. im really running out of excuses with this guy. i need some kind of excuse rolodex. 

elaine: come on, lets go do something. i dont wanna just sit around here. 

jerry: okay. 

elaine: want to go get something to eat? 

jerry: where do you want to go? 

elaine: i dont care, im not hungry. 

jerry: we could go to one of those uh cappuccino places. they let you just sit there. 

elaine: what are we gonna do there? talk? 

jerry: we could talk. 

elaine: ill go if i dont have to talk. 

jerry: then well just sit there. 

elaine: okay. im gonna check my machine first. (elaine sees a pad of paper by the phone; reading) picking someone up at the airport, jury duty, waiting for cable guy... 

jerry: okay, just hand that over, please. 

elaine: oh, what is this? 

jerry: its a list of excuses, its for that guy, horneck, whos at the game tonight with my tickets. i have that list now so in case he calls, i just consult it and i dont have to see him. (elaine laughs.) i need it. (elaine starts writing on the list.) what are you doing? 

elaine: i got some for you. 

jerry: i dont need any more. 

elaine: no no no no no, these are good. listen, listen you ran out of underwear, you cant leave the house. 

jerry: (not amused) very funny. 

elaine: how about youve been diagnosed as a multiple personality. youre not even you. youre dan. 

jerry: im dan. can i have my list back, please? 

elaine: here, here. jerry seinfeld, i cannot believe youre doing this. this is absolutely infantile. 

jerry: what can i do? 

elaine: deal with it. be a man! 

jerry: oh no. thats impossible. id rather lie to him for the rest of my life that go through that again. he was crying. tears. accompanied by mucus. 

elaine: you made a man cry? ive never made a man cry. i even kicked a guy in the groin once and he didnt cry. i got the cab. 

jerry: couple of tough monkeys. 

kramer: oh, hi elaine, hey. (to jerry) hey, you missed a great game tonight, buddy! 

jerry: game? 

kramer: knick game. horneck took me. we were sitting two rows behind the bench. we're getting hit by sweat! 

jerry: wait. how does horneck know you? 

kramer: last week. when i, you know, gave you the phone. hes really into my pizza place idea! 

jerry: this is too much. 

elaine: wait, what pizza place idea? 

jerry: oh, no. 

kramer: you get to make your own pie! 

elaine: oh, that sounds like a great idea. it would be fun. 

kramer: yea. 

joel: (from the hallway) kramer. 

kramer: yeah. 

jerry: perfect. 

joel: hey. 

kramer: okay, who wants meatloaf? 

jerry & elaine: no thanks. 

kramer: (to joel) its gonna be hot in a minute. 

joel: so, i though you were tutoring your nephew? 

jerry: oh, we finished early. 

joel: m-hm, ill bet. so, are you going to introduce me to your nephew? 

jerry: elaine benes, this is joel horneck. 

elaine: hi. 

joel: whoa, nelson! this is elaine? i though you guys split? 

jerry: were still friends. 

joel: so, thanks again for those tickets. but next week, im going to take you. how about next tuesday night? (to elaine) and why dont you come along? 

elaine: oh, no no. tuesdays uh no good becasue weve got choir practice. 

jerry: right. i forgot about choir. 

elaine: we-were doing that evening of eastern european national anthems. 

jerry: right. you know, the wall being down and everything. 

joel: what about thursday night? i mean theyre playing the sonics. 

elaine: huh... thursday is no good because weve got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as those organ donors. 

joel: you know, i should really try something like that. 

jerry: you really should. 

joel: well, lets just take a look here. 

joel: forty-one home games. let's see saturday night weve got the mavericks. if you dont like the mavericks, next tuesday lakers. i mean, you gotta like magic, right? lets see, on the road, on the road, on the road, on the road, back on the fourteenth. they play the bulls. you cant miss air jordan... 

jerry: you know, i really... ive come to the conclusion that there are certain friends in your life that theyre just always your friends, and you have to accept it. you see them, you dont really wanna see them. you dont call them, they call you. you dont call back, they call again. the only way to get through talking with people that you dont really have anything in common with is to pretend youre hosting your own little talk show. this is what i do. you pretend theres a little desk around you. the only problem with this is theres no way you can say, hey, its been great having you on the show. were out of time. 

jerry: went out to dinner the other night. check came at the end of the meal, as it always does. never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because moneys a very different thing before and after you eat. before you eat, money has no value. and you dont care about money when youre hungry. you sit down at a restaurant, youre like the ruler of an empire. more drinks, appetizers, quickly, quickly! it will be the greatest meal of our lives. then after the meal, you know, youve got the pants open, youve got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. then the check comes at that moment. people are always upset, you know. theyre mystified by the check. what is this? how could this be? they start passing it around the table, does this look right to you? were not hungry now. why are we buying all this food? 

jerry: i think superman probably has a very good sense of humor. 

george: i never heard him say anything really funny. 

jerry: but its common sense. hes got super strength, super speed. im sure hes got super humor. 

george: you would think that, but either youre born with a sense of humor, or youre not. its not going to change even if you go from the red sun of krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the earth. 

jerry: why? why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of earth? 

george: i dont know. but he aint funny. 

elaine: i know, i know. im sorry im late. 

jerry: no problem. 

elaine: i dropped a grape. 

george: pardon? 

elaine: i dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. i couldnt find it. i was, i was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. i have no idea where it went. 

jerry: were you crying? i mean, its just a grape. youll find it. 

elaine: no, im just getting over an allergy attack. this guy im going out with... 

jerry: robert. 

elaine: robert. yes. thank you. he has two cats and im allergic to them. you know, i finally meet a normal man, and i cant even go into his apartment, you know. and, of course, my apartment is the actors studio so we cant go there. its really causing a lot of problems, you know. he wont even go away for the weekend because of these cats. 

george: guys with cats... i dont know. 

jerry: ive been thinking about asking this girl im, uh, seeing- 

elaine: vanessa. 

jerry: vanessa, thank you. ive been thinking about asking her to go away for a couple of days. 

george: oh, no. no no no no no. id have to advise against that. what, do you know this woman a month? lets see, youre going to be with her seventy-two hours. thats a dating decathlon. 

elaine: (balancing a spoon on her nose) hey, why dont you take her to that place in vermont i was telling you about? you know, that really charming place with the separate faucets for the hot and cold. shell love it. 

george: thats exquisite. listen, uh, if its not too much trouble, could you pass me that paper over there? 

jerry: you better find that grape before it mutates into another life form. there was once a mutant grape that terrorized an entire town in the texas panhandle. they brought in the army, nobody could stop it. apparently it had a pit of steel. 

george: up again?! this is incredible! im.. im getting it. 

elaine: youre getting what? 

george: a stock. 

jerry: what stock? 

george: did you ever meet my friend, simons? 

jerry: maybe. 

george: he knows this guy, wilkinson. he made a fortune in the stock market. now hes got some new thing. you know, theres supposed to be a big merger. he wasnt even supposed to say anything. you guys should think about doing this too. 

jerry: how highs it suppose to go? 

george: i dont know. but simons said that if i wanted to get involved, that wilkinson would tell me the exact right minute to sell. you wanna do it? 

jerry: boy... i dont know. 

elaine: id do it but i dont have any money. 

jerry: what kind of company is it? 

george: its called sendrax. theyve got some new kind of technique for televising opera. 

elaine: televising opera? 

george: some sort of electronic thingy. 

jerry: well, how much are you going to invest? 

george: five thousand... ten. ten thousand. five thousand. 

jerry: boy... 

george: cmon. wilkinsons got millions invested in this stock. its gone up three points since ive been watching it. 

jerry: what if i lose it? 

george: cmon, go for twenty-five hundred. well do it together. come on, come on. were in it together. 

jerry: all right. twenty-five hundred. 

george: thats it. 

waitress: yeah, can i take your order? 

george: (gesturing to jerry) check the raiser. 

jerry: my bet? all right. ill open with a tuna sandwich. 

elaine: tuna? 

jerry: oh, the dolphin thing? 

elaine: theyre dying in the nets. 

jerry: ohhh... you know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna. 

elaine: jerry, cant you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine? 

jerry: hey, when im driving, i let people in ahead of me all the time. im always waving everybody in. go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. ...all right. all right. ill have a chicken salad. 

elaine: and im going to have an english muffin with margarine on the side and a cup of coffee. 

waitress: okay. (to george) what about you? 

george: ill have the tuna. 

jerry: i have to say, those people talking behind us really ruined that movie for me. 

vanessa: why didnt you do something? 

jerry: what do you want me to do? i gave the guy the half-turn. (acts like he did in the movie) then i gave him the full-turn with the eye roll. (does the next look) i mean, beyond that, im risking a punch in the mouth. (to a stock boy) excuse me, do you have these in the puffs? 

stock boy: no puffs. just flakes. 

jerry : have you thought any more about that trip? 

vanessa: yeah, ive been thinking about it. 

jerry: you know, my friend told me about this great place in vermont. 

vanessa: i dont know. i just worry about trips like this. its a lot of pressure. 

jerry: its great! it speeds up the intimacy level. its like putting the relationship in a time compressor. where we would be six months from now we accomplish (snaps his fingers) three days. 

vanessa: oh, so you want to move our relationship into phase two? 

jerry: exactly. i love phase two. extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency, walking around naked. you know, the presents get a lot better in phase two. 

vanessa: really? could we go fishing up there? 

jerry: yeah. we can fish. what? blues, carp, marlin? 

vanessa: they have marlin in vermont? 

jerry: oh, big fighting marlin. (jerry acts like he is catching a marlin) 

vanessa: jerry, the stock is the same as when you checked it earlier. there are no changes after the market closes. the stock is still down. 

jerry : i know. but this is a different paper. i thought maybe they have, uh, different... sources. 

jerry: is that my paper? 

kramer: bad news, my friend. 

jerry: what? what news? 

kramer : sendrax. 

jerry: oh, cmon! its down again?! 

kramer: two and a half points. 

jerry: oh, i cant believe it. let me see that. (jerry takes the paper.) thats four and a half points in three days! thats almost half my money! 

kramer: hey, i told you. 

jerry: (sarcastic) yeah, you told me. 

kramer: its all manipulated with junk bonds. you cant win. 

jerry: theres one thing i dont understand. why does it please you? (to the phone) george costanza, please. 

kramer: hey, i dont care. im just telling you to (yelling) get rid of that stock, now! 

jerry: (to the phone) george, whats going on?! 

kramer: sell it, just say im selling! 

jerry: (to the phone) well, where is the guy?!... nothing?! almost half my moneys gone... well, call me right back. (jerry hangs up.) nobody can reach wilkinson. he hasnt been home or in his office in the past three days! 

kramer: you know, i cant believe you put your money in that sendrax. and you couldve invested in my roll-out tie dispenser. 

jerry: roll-out tie dispenser? what was that one? 

kramer: okay, youre in a restaurant. youve got a very big meeting coming up... 

jerry: okay... 

kramer: (looks at his shirt as if he had a tie on) oh man, you got mustard on your tie! 

jerry: (going along with it) oh no! 

kramer: you just (makes the tearing sound) tear it off, and vvvvrrrpppp you got a new one right here. then youre gone. 

jerry: youre gone all right. 

kramer: (looking at map) hey, where, where are you going? you gonna take a trip? the map... what... 

jerry: yeah, im going to vermont with uh vanessa for a few days. 

kramer: hey, can i use your place? i got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend. 

jerry: what friends? 

kramer: well, its just some people i met at a rock concert. (phone rings.) do you mind if they use your bed? (jerry give kramer a look.) cause theyre really good people, jerry. im telling you. you know, theyre anarchists. theyre.. theyre.. theyre.. huge. 

jerry: george- what?! youre kidding... well, whats wrong?... so, what are we gonna do?... great!... all right, ill speak to you later. (he hangs up.) wilkinson, the guy whos supposed to tell us when to sell the stock, hes in the hospital. 

jerry: so you dont know whats wrong with him? 

george: all simons was able to find out is that hes in the hospital. 

jerry: okay, fine. has simons been in touch with him? 

george: of course hes been in touch with him. hes left two messages. he just hasnt heard back yet, thats all. 

jerry: well, this is it. im selling. 

george: just give it a little more time. 

jerry: i never shouldve gotten involved in this. im a nervous wreck. im not cut out for investing. 

george: all right, all right. thats it. im gonna go down there. 

jerry: where? 

george: to the hospital. 

jerry: the hospital? 

george: im going to find out whats going on. all right? 

jerry: are you nuts? you dont even know the guy. 

george: so what? ill start talking to him, you know, casual, and ill work my way around to it. 

jerry: what if hes in an iron lung or something? what are you gonna do? (jerry knocks on imaginary glass.) how you feeling, mr. wilkinson? (he makes a hissing sound.) by the way, whats happening with sendrax? 

george: maybe hes resting. 

jerry: who goes to the hospital to rest? 

george: what are you, a doctor? 

jerry: okay, fine, fine. when are you going down there? 

george: today. im going today. just dont do anything until you hear from me. 

jerry: all right. 

george: (to the woman) boy, i have to get to a bathroom. 

dry cleaner: (to jerry) may i help you? 

jerry: yeah. i picked up this shirt here yesterday. its completely shrunk. theres absolutely no way i can wear it. 

dry cleaner: when did you bring it in? 

jerry: whats the difference? look at it! do you see the size of this shirt?! 

dry cleaner: you got a receipt? 

jerry: i cant find the receipt. 

dry cleaner: you should get the receipt. 

jerry: look, forget about the receipt, all right? even if i had the receipt- look at it! its a hand puppet. what am i gonna do with this?! 

dry cleaner: yes, but how do i know we did the shirt? 

jerry: what do you think this is a little scam i have? i take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? in fact, forget the money. i dont even want the money. i just once, i would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. thats what i want. i want an admission of guilt. 

dry cleaner: maybe you asked for it to be washed. 

jerry: no! dry-cleaned. 

dry cleane: let me explain to you something, okay? with certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing- 

jerry: you shrunk it! you know you shrunk it! just tell me that you shrunk it! 

dry cleaner: (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) i shrunk it. 

jerry: i think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so i can say to the dry cleaner, well, its ruined. and of course, the dry cleaner can respond, its not our fault. were not responsible. we just ruin the clothes. that ends our legal obligation. you see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. th-right? theyre cleaning our clothes, but theyre not getting anything wet. its all dry. i know theres gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids that theyre using. theres no such thing as dry cleaning. when you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that (jerry brushes off his shirt.) thats dry cleaning. i dont think thats what theyre doing back there. they dont have eighty guys going, come on, hurry up! theres a lot of shirts today! 

jerry: bless you. 

elaine: thank you. what evidence is there that cats are so smart, anyway? huh? what do they do? because theyre clean? i am sorry. my uncle pete showers four times a day and he cant count to ten, so dont give me hygiene. 

jerry : so what are you gonna do? 

elaine: i dont know. i cant think of any solution, unless of course they should meet with some unfortunate accident. what do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats? 

jerry: well, it couldnt be too expensive. thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat? 

elaine: what do you think, jerry? you wanna make twenty-eight bucks? 

jerry: im no cat killer. 

elaine: how about we go over there right now and we shave them? 

jerry: id really like to go, elaine. but, george is coming back from the hospital. i gotta wait for him. but otherwise i would definitely go. 

elaine: he actually went to the hospital? 

jerry: yeah. 

elaine: oh man, hes nuts. 

jerry: yeah, hes nuts. you wanta bump off a couple of cats. (enter kramer, holding a paper up to jerry.) i know, i know. its down again. 

kramer: how much are you down altogether? 

jerry: i dont know.. fifteen hundred dollars. 

kramer: wow. 

jerry: you dont have to say wow. i know its wow. (kramer smiling) and theres that smile again. well, what is that? (intercom buzzes.) its george. 

kramer: oh, look at this one by the bus stop. jerry, come here. take a look at this. 

jerry: i really dont need to look. 

kramer: what a body. yeeaahh. thats for me. 

jerry: yeah, and youre just what shes looking for too  a stranger leering through a pair of binoculars ten floors up. 

kramer: im gonna go down there and try and talk to her. 

jerry: what? what? did you go down there? (george nods.) did he tell you whats gonna happen? (george shakes his head.) how long were you there? 

george: fifteen seconds. 

jerry: you told him you knew simons? 

george: yeah, i mentioned simons. next thing i know, im in the parking lot. perhaps they had some sort of a falling out. ill tell you one thing. i dont know what hes got. but for a sick guy, hes very strong. 

jerry: well, thats it. look, im going to vermont. i dont want to think about this. im selling. 

elaine: didnt work, huh? 

george: (laughs) not quite. 

elaine: we-well, what are you gonna do about the stock? 

george: im keeping it. im going down with the ship. 

jerry: so i know this guy. im getting all my sneakers at a discount now. 

vanessa: i know. you mentioned it. 

jerry: oh yeah, right. 

jerry: (thinking) oh god. get me out of here. what a mistake. what made me think this would work? and ive still got another day! ive got nothing left to say. wait... wait... got one. (to vanessa) thats a nice watch. do you wind it? 

vanessa: no, its got a little battery. 

jerry: well, thats good. 

jerry: (thinking) well, the drive home should be a delight. im speeding the whole way. let them throw me in jail. i dont care. (to vanessa) that's the manager? do you want me to see if we can get another room? 

vanessa: no, its okay. 

jerry: so, i guess you dont find the separate faucets for the hot and cold, charming? 

vanessa: not especially. 

jerry: well, what do you want to do this afternoon? 

vanessa: what can we do? its raining. 

jerry: we cold play sorry! we cold play steal the old mans bundle. (vanessa not amused; jerry thinking) maybe i can get an extension cord and hang myself. (to vanessa) what kind of perfume is that youre wearing? 

vanessa: oh, youve never heard of it. 

jerry: no, what? what kind is it? 

vanessa: i cant tell you. 

jerry: (thinking) yeah, thats normal. (to a man nearby) excuse me, sir. could i have a look at that business section? 

vanessa: that stock? i thought you got out of that? 

jerry: i did. im just curious. its been almost a week. i want to check it out. (he finds the stock.) six points? (to vanessa) its up six points! 

vanessa: i told you not to sell. 

jerry: you did not tell me not to sell. 

vanessa: i said the market fluctuates. remember? 

jerry: look, vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. everybody knows that. i just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars! 

vanessa: thats probably why we're- 

jerry: what? 

vanessa: forget it. 

jerry: no, what? thats probably why.. 

vanessa: thats probably why were staying here, because you lost money on the stock. 

jerry: (thinking) so, what am i looking at here? twenty-nine hours to go. well, at least i got plenty of time to find out the name of that perfume... 

george: (laughing) have something else. cmon, have a little dessert? 

jerry : im good, thanks. 

george: elaine, get something! its all taken care of. 

elaine: im kinda full. 

george: so dont finish it. 

jerry: (acidly) shes full. so, big daddy. im just curious. how much did you clear on your little transaction there, all told? 

george: i dont like to discuss figures. 

jerry: how much? 

george: i dont know, what? eight thousand. its a hyundai. get out of here. i told you not to sell. simons made money, wilkinson cleaned up. 

jerry: so, wilkinsons out of the hospital now? 

george : no. youd be surprised. you dont recover that quickly from a nose job. 

elaine: oh god. 

jerry: is that still from the cats? 

elaine: no, i just have a cold. 

jerry: so, what ever happened with that? 

elaine: i gave him an ultimatum. 

george: he chose the cats? 

elaine: theyre very clean animals. 

jerry: i gotta say, thats pretty sad. losing out to a cat. 

elaine: almost as bad as losing out to a perfume. 

george: i told you those trips were relationship killers. too bad you cant get your buddy superman to fly around the earth at super speed and reverse time. youd get all the money back, you could have avoided the whole trip to vermont... 

elaine: superman can go back in time? 

jerry: we went over that. 

george: pst. (moves in close with elaine and jerry) wilkinsons got a bite on a new one. petramco corp. out of, uh springfield. i think. theyre about to introduce some sort of a robot butcher. 

jerry: a robot butcher? 

george: shhhhh. if you want to get in, theres very little time. (calling to the waitress) sweetheart.. (waitress approaches and tears off a check. george stops her.) no, no, no. that ought to cover it. (he hands her some money; she turns to leave; george stops her.) just a second. just a... let me jus-peek... (he looks at the check, then takes some money out of her hand. george urges jerry and elaine to eat.) come on, come on, come on... 

jerry: im not an investor. people always tell me, you should have your money working for you. ive decided ill do the work. im gonna let the money relax. you know what i mean? cause you send your money out there  working for you  a lot of times, it gets fired. you go back there, what happened? i had my money. it was here, it was working for me. yeah, i remember your money. showing up late. taking time off. we had to let him go. 

jerry: im always in traffic with the lane expert. you know this type of person? constantly reevaluating their lane choice. never quite sure, is this the best lane for me? for my life? theyre always a little bit ahead of you, can i get in over there? could i get in over here? could i get in there? yeah, come on over here, pal. were zoomin over here. this is the secret lane, nobody knows about it. the ultimate, i think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. not even rolling. and you look out the window, you can see gum clearly. so we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that. i mean, what will happen? will it start moving backwords, i wonder? i mean, is that possible? that someday well be going, (jerry pretends hes driving in reverse.) boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy. this, is really bad. im gonna try to get off and get back on going the other way. 

george: she cant kill me right? 

jerry: no, of course not. 

george: people break up all the time. 

jerry: everyday. 

george: it just didnt work out. what can i do? i wanted to love her. i tried to love her. i couldnt. 

jerry: you tried. 

george: i kept looking at her face. id go, cmon, love her. love her! 

jerry: did you tell her you loved her? 

george: oh, i had no choice. she squeezed it out of me! shed tell me she loved me. all right, at first, i just look at her. id go, oh, really? or uh, boy, thats, thats something. but, eventually you have to come back with, well, i love you. you know, you can only hold out for so long. 

jerry: youre a human being. 

george: and i didnt even ask her out. she asked me out first. she called me up. what was i supposed to do? say no? (laughs) i cant do that to someone. 

jerry: youre too nice a guy. 

george: i am. im a nice guy. and she seduced me! we were in my apartment, im sitting on the couch, shes on the chair. i get up to go to the bathroom, i come back, shes on the couch. what am i supposed to do? not do anything? i couldnt do that. i wouldve insulted her. 

jerry: youre flesh and blood. 

george: i had nothing to do wtih any of this! i met all her friends, i didnt want to meet them. i kept trying to avoid it. i knew it would only get me in deeper. but they were everywhere! they kept popping up all over the place. this is nancy, this is susan, this is amy, this is my cousin, this is my brother, this is my father... its like im in quicksand. 

jerry: i told you when i met her. 

george: my back is killing me. 

jerry: you gotta go to my chiropractor, hes the best. 

george: oh yeah, everybodys guy is the best. 

jerry: im gonna make an appointment for you. well go together. 

george: please. they dont do anything. look, do i have to break up with her in person? cant i do it over the phone? i-i have no stomach for these things. 

jerry: you should just do it like a band-aid. one motion! right off! 

elaine: hi. 

jerry: hi. 

elaine: hey, what are you doing? 

george: im letting you in. 

elaine: oh no. no. i dont want to sit in the back. ill be left out of the conversation. 

george: no, you wont. 

elaine: yes, i will, george. ill have to stick my chin on top of the seat. 

george: okay. 

elaine: why cant you sit in the middle? 

george: please, it doesnt look good. boy, boy, girl. 

elaine: youre afraid to sit next to a man. youre a little homophobic, arent ya? 

george: is it that obvious? 

elaine: hello, jerry. 

jerry: hello. 

elaine: did you get a haircut? 

jerry: no, shower. so, where are we eating? 

elaine: tell me if you think this is strange. theres this guy who lives in my building, who i was introduced to a couple of years ago by a friend. hes a uh teacher, or something. anyway, after we met, whenever wed run into each other on the street, or in the lobby, or whatever, we would stop and we would chat a little. nothing much. little pleasantries. hes a nice guy, hes got a family. then after a while, i noticed there was not more stopping. just saying hello and continuing on our way. and then the verbal hellos stopped, and we just went into these little sort of nods of recognition. so, fine. i figure, thats where this relationship is finally gonna settle polite nodding. then one day, he doesnt nod. like i dont exist?! he went from nods to nothing. 

george: (singing; imitating tony bennett) you know, id go from nods to nothing... 

elaine: and now, theres this intense animosity whenever we pass. i mean, its like we really hate each other. its based on nothing. 

jerry: a relationship is an organism. you created this thing and then you starved it so it turned against you. same thing happened in the blob. 

george: i think you absolutely have to say something to this guy. confront him. 

elaine: really? 

george: yes. 

elaine: you would do that? 

george: if i was a different person. 

jerry: hello... hello. is glen there?... im sorry. is this 805-555-3234?... yes, i know i have the wrong number, but i just want to know if i dialed wrong or if... 

kramer: (to the intercom) come on up. 

jerry: (to the phone) oh, its you again. see, now if you had answered me, i wouldnt have had to do this. now thats two long distance calls i made to you why cant you... (the guy hangs up on jerry again; to nobody) why? why do they just hang up like that? thank you very much. 

kramer: taste this. 

jerry: no, i just had a sandwich. 

kramer: no, taste it. taste it. 

jerry: i dont want cantaloupe now. 

kramer: youve never had cantaloupe like this before... 

jerry: i only eat cantaloupe at certain times... 

kramer: ...jerry. this is great cantaloupe. 

jerry: ...all right! 

kramer: uh-huh. its good? 

jerry: its very good. 

kramer: good, huh? 

jerry: good. 

kramer: i got it at joes. 

jerry: uh-huh. 

kramer: forty-nine cents a pound. thats practically half than what youre paying at the supermarket. i dont know why you dont go to joes. 

jerry: its too far. 

kramer: its three blocks further. you can use my shopping cart.. 

jerry: im not pulling a shopping cart. what, am i suppose to wear a kerchief? put stockings on and roll em down below my knee? 

kramer: see, the other thing is, if you dont like anything, he takes it right back. 

jerry: i dont return fruit. fruit is a gamble. i know that going in. 

george: im outta there. i did it! its over. 

jerry: you did it? what happened? 

george: i told her. in the kitchen  which was risky cause its near all the knives. i started with the word listen. 

jerry: uh-huh... 

george: i said, listen marlene, and then the next thing i know, im in the middle of it. and theres this voice inside of me going, youre doing it! youre doing it! and then she started to cry, and i weakened a bit. i almost relented, but the voice, jerry, the voice said, keep going, keep going. youre almost out! its like i was making a prison break, you know, and im heading for the wall, and i trip and i twist my ankle, and they throw the light on you, you know. so, somehow i get though the crying and i keep running. then the cursing started. shes firing at me from the guard tower. son of a bang! son of a boom! i get to the top of the wall  the front door. i opened it up, im one foot away, i took one last look around the penitentiary, and i jumped! 

jerry: see, its never as bad as you imagine. 

kramer: i liked marlene. whats her number? 

george: uh, no, i, i dont think so. 

jerry: (to kramer) could you stop that smacking? 

kramer: george, i want you to taste this cantaloupe. 

george: oh no, thank you. 

kramer: its the best cantaloupe i ever had. 

george: no, really. no, no, thanks. 

kramer: jerry, tell him how good this cantaloupe is. 

jerry: its very good cantaloupe. (kramer leaves; to george) so thats it? youre out? 

george: except for one small problem. hah, i left some books in her apartment. 

jerry: so, go get them. 

george: oh, no no, i cant go back there. jerry, its so awkward and, you know, it could be dangerous sexually. something could happen, id be right back where i started from. 

jerry: so forget about the books. did you read them? 

george: well, yeah. 

jerry: what do you need them for? 

george: i dont know. theyre books. 

jerry: what is this obsession people have with books? they put them in their houses like theyre trophies. what do you need it for after you read it? 

george: theyre my books. 

jerry: so you want me to get the books? is that it? 

marlene: ...so, it mustve been ninety-five degrees that night, and everyones just standing around the pool with little drinks in their hands. i was wearing my old jeans and t-shirt. and i dont know, i was just in one of those moods. so i said to myself, marlene, just do it. and i jumped in. and as im getting out, i feel all these eyes on me, and i look up and everyone is just staring at me. 

jerry: so whatd you do? 

marlene: well, nothing. its no skin off my hide if people like to look. i just didnt see what the big attraction was. 

jerry: well, i have a general idea what it was. i could take a guess. 

marlene: hey, you know, jerry, just because george and i dont see each other anymore, it doesnt mean we shouldnt stay friends. 

jerry: no. 

marlene: good enough. im really glad we got that settled. 

jerry: i dont know how this happened. 

george: jerry, its not my fault. 

jerry: no, no. its not your fault. books, books, i need my books. have you re-read those books yet, by the way? you know the great thing? when you read moby dick the second time, ahab and the whale become good friends. you know, its not like marlenes a bad person or anything, but, my god! i mean, weve had like three lunches and a movie, and she never stops calling. (george nods.) and its these meaningless, purposeless, blather calls. she never asks if im busy or anything. i just pick up the phone, and shes in the middle of a sentence! 

george: it's standard. has she left you one of those messages where she uses up the whole machine? 

jerry: (disgusted) ohh! you know, and sometimes shell go, (imitates marlene) hello, jerry? and ill go, oh, hi marlene. and then its jerry... 

jerry & george: i dunno sometimes... 

george: what trying to get off the phone? 

jerry: (more disgusted) ohhhh! you cant! its impossible! theres no break in the conversation where you can go, all right then... you know, it just goes on and on and on without a break in the wall. i mean, i gotta put a stop to this. 

george: just do it like a band-aid. one motion. right off! (beat) she is sexy though. dont you think? 

jerry: yeah. yes, she is. 

receptionist: mr. costanza? 

george: yeah. 

receptionist: the doctor will see you now. 

george: (to jerry, sarcastically) yeah, doctor. im going to have to wait in that little room all by myself, arent i? (he picks up a crossword puzzle.) i better take this. i hate the little room. (george walks into the hallway that leads to the doctors office.) oh, hello, doctor. 

jerry: the waiting room. i hate when they make you wait in the room. cause it says waiting room. theres no chance of not waiting. cause they call it the waiting room, theyre gonna use it. theyve got it. its all set up for you to wait. and you sit there, you know, and youve got your little magazine. you pretend youre reading it, but youre really looking at the other people. you know, youre thinking about about them. things like, i wonder what hes got. as soon as she goes, im getting her magazine. and then, they finally call you and its a very exciting moment. they finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. well, i guess ive been chosen. ill see you all later. you know, so you think youre going to see the doctor, but youre not, are you? no. youre going into the next waiting room  the littler waiting room. but if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, i think. you dont wnat to be in the largest room that they have. you know what i mean? you ever see these operating theaters, that they have, with like, stadium seating? you dont want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, i have to see this! are you kidding? are they really gonna do that to him? are there seats? can we get in? do they scalp tickets to these things? i got two for the winslow tumor, i got two... 

jerry: so, how was it? 

george: i was in there for two minutes. he didnt do anything. touch this, feel that  seventy-five bucks! 

jerry: well, its a first visit. 

george: whats seventy-five bucks?! what, am i seeing sinatra in there?! am i being entertained? i dont understand this. im only paying half. 

jerry: you cant do that. 

george: why not? 

jerry: hes a doctor. you gotta pay what he says. 

george: oh, no no no. i pay what i say. 

marlene: are you feeling weird? 

jerry: no, im fine. 

marlene: nothing really happened. 

jerry: yeah, i know. 

marlene: we just kissed a little. people kiss. 

jerry: yeah. 

marlene: well... night. 

jerry: (belated) good night. 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: hey. 

kramer: i got it! this time, i got it! 

jerry : all right. 

kramer: hips! see, its all hips. 

jerry: uh-huh. 

kramer: you gotta come through with the hips first. 

jerry: that is out there. 

kramer: joes? 

jerry: no, supermarket. 

kramer: well, is it good? 

jerry: its uh okay. 

kramer: let me taste it. 

kramer: see, that stinks. you cant eat that. you should take that back. 

jerry: im not taking it back. 

kramer: all right, ill take it back. im going by there. 

jerry: i dont care about it. 

kramer: jerry, you should care. cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation. 

jerry: all right. take it back. 

jerry’s message: leave a message, ill call you back. 

marlene: (from the phone) jerry, have you ever taken a bath in the dark? if im not talking into the soap right now, call me back. 

kramer: well? 

jerry: marlene. 

kramer: (smiles) oh. oh, marlene... 

jerry: yeah, i took her home one night  we kinda started up a little bit in the car. 

kramer: i thought you were trying to get rid of her? 

jerry: i was. but, shes got me, like, hypnotized. 

kramer: does george know? 

jerry: no, hed go nuts. 

kramer: yeah, no kidding. 

jerry: i feel terrible. (kramer smiling) i mean, ive seen her a couple of times since then, and i know i cant go any further, but... shes just got this like, psychosexual hold over me. i just want her, i cant breathe. its like a drug. 

kramer: whoa, psychosexual. 

jerry: i dont know how im going to tell him. 

kramer: man, i dont understand people. i mean, why would george want to deprive you of pleasure? is it just me? 

jerry: its partially you, yeah. 

kramer: youre his friend. better that she should sleep with someone else? some jerk that he doesnt even know? 

jerry: well, he cant kill me, right? 

kramer: youre a human being. 

jerry: i mean, she called me. i havent called her. she started it. 

kramer: youre flesh and blood. 

jerry: im a nice guy. 

elaine: hi. 

jerry: (excited) oh, my little airplane lamp. 

elaine: you know, you have the slowest elevator in the entire city. thats hard to get used to when youre in so many other fast ones. 

jerry: well, the apartment elevators are always slower than the offices, because you dont have to be home on time. 

elaine: unless youre married to a dictator. 

jerry: yeah... because they would be very demanding people. 

elaine: right. exactly. so i imagine at some point somebodys going to offer me some cantaloupe? 

kramer: nope. no good. 

jerry: well, you know what they say. lucky in love, unlucky with fruit. 

kramer: well, im taking this back. 

elaine: so, i had what you might call a little encounter this morning. 

jerry: really? that guy who stopped saying hello? 

elaine: yes. 

jerry: you talked to him? 

elaine: yes. i spotted him getting his mail. and at first, i was just going to walk on by, but then i thought, no no no. no. do not be afraid of this man. 

jerry: right. 

elaine: so, i walked up behind him and i tapped him on the shoulder. and i said, hi, remember me? and he furrows his brow, as if hes really trying to figure it out. so i said to him, i said, you little phony. you know exactly who i am. 

jerry: you said "you little phony"? 

elaine: i did. i most certainly did. and he said, he goes, oh, yeah. youre jeanettes friend. we did meet once. and i said, well, how do you go from that to totally ignoring a person when they walk by? 

jerry: this is amazing. 

elaine: and he says, he says, look, i just didnt want to say hello anymore, all right? and i said, fine. fine. i didnt want to say hello anymore either, but just i wanted you to know that im aware of it! 

jerry: you are the queen of confrontation. youre my new hero. in fact, youve inspired me. im gonna call george about something right now. 

elaine: this cantaloupe stinks. 

george: (considers for a second) i dont care. 

jerry: youre kidding. 

george: no, i dont care. 

jerry: you mean that? 

george: absolutely. 

jerry: you dont care? 

george: no. 

jerry: how could you not care? 

george: i dont know. but i dont. im actually almost happy to hear it. 

jerry: i thought youd be upset. 

george: i guess i should be, but im not. 

jerry: am i a bad person? did i do something terrible? 

george: youre a fine person. youre a humanitarian. shes very sexy. 

jerry: that voice. that voice. shes driving me crazy. 

george: i know. i know. 

jerry: so i can see her tonight, and you dont care? 

george: see her tonight. see her tomorrow. go. knock yourself out. shes too crazy for me. 

jerry: all right. as long as youre okay. because i cant stop thinking about her. 

george: im okay. im fine. im wonderful. i never felt better in my whole life. 

jerry: good. and ill tell you what... you dont have to pay me back the thirty-five i gave to the chiropractor for the rest of your bill. 

george: (shocked and angry) you paid that crook?! 

jerry: i had to. 

george: he didnt do anything, jerry. its a scam! who told you to do that? 

jerry: it was embarrassing to me. 

george: oh, i was trying to make a point. 

jerry: why dont you make a point with your own doctor? (george gulps.) whats wrong? 

george: (gasping) i think i swallowed a fly! i swallowed a fly! what do i do? (he turns to a coffee shop patron at the counter.) what can happen?! 

jerry: so, you wanna come up for a few minutes? 

marlene: im sorry, jerry. i just dont think this is gonna work. 

jerry: really? i thought... 

marlene: i know, im sorry. 

jerry: gee, i just didnt expect it from the way youve been acting. 

marlene: you sure you want to talk about this? cause i sure dont. 

jerry: of course i want to talk about it. 

marlene: well, okay. i guess things changed for me on tuesday night. 

jerry: tuesday night? what happened tuesday night? 

marlene: i saw your act. 

jerry: my act? wha-what does that have to do with anything? 

marlene: well, to be honest, it just didnt make it for me. its just so much fluff. 

jerry: i cant believe this. so what are you saying? you didnt like my act, so thats it? 

marlene: i cant be with someone if i dont respect what they do. 

jerry: youre a cashier! 

marlene: look, jerry, its just wasn't my kind of humor. 

jerry: you cant go by the audience that night. it was late. they were terrible. 

marlene: i heard the material. 

jerry: i have other stuff. y-you should come see me on the weekend. 

jerry: women need to like the job of the guy theyre with. if they dont like the job, they dont like the guy. men know this. which is why we make up the phony, bogus names for the jobs that we have. well, right now, im the regional management supervisor. im in development, research, consulting... men on the other hand  if they are physically attracted to a woman  are not that concerned with her job. are we? men dont really care. menll just go, really? slaughterhouse? is that where you work? that sounds interesting. so whaddaya got a big cleaver there? youre just lopping their heads off? that sounds great! listen, why dont you shower up, and well get some burgers and catch a movie. 

jerry: my parents live in florida now. they moved there last year. they didnt want to move to florida, but theyre in their sixties, and thats the law. you know how it works. they got the leisure police. they pull up in front of the old peoples house with a golf cart, jump out, lets go pop, white belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back. drop the snow shovel right there. drop it! i am not much for the family gathering. you know, you sit there, and the conversations so boring. its so dull. and you start to fantasize. you know, you think, what if i just got up and jumped out that window? what would it be like? just crashed right through the glass. you know. come back in, theres broken glass, everybodys all upset. no, im all right. i was just a little bored there. and uh no, im fine. i came back. i wanted to hear a little more about that hummel collection, aunt rose. lets pick it up right there. 

helen: you have so many nice jackets. i dont know why you had to bring this jacket. who wears a jacket like this? whats wrong with that nice gray one? you have beautiful clothes. they sit in your closet. morty, you cant wear this! 

morty: are you getting that? 

helen: i thought you were getting it. 

morty: should i pick up? 

helen: you want me to get that? 

morty: ill get it! 

helen: ill get it! 

helen: hello?... hello? 

jerry: hi. 

helen: hi. 

jerry: (to morty) would you make this thing lower! i can hear it on the street! 

morty: so, howd you do? 

jerry: we won. i made an incredible play in the field! there was a tag-up at third base and i threw the guy out from left field on a fly! well be in the championship game wednesday because of me. it was the single greatest moment in my life. 

helen: this is your greatest moment? a game? 

jerry: well, no. sharon besser, of course. 

morty: you know what my greatest moment was, dont you? nineteen-forty-six. i went to work for harry flemming and i came up with the idea for the beltless trenchcoat. 

helen: jerry, look at this sport jacket. is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party? 

jerry: well, the mans an individualist  he worked for harry flemming. he knows what hes doing. 

helen: but its their 50th anniversary. 

morty: your mother doesn't like my taste in clothing. 

helen: you know, i spoke to manya and isaac on the phone today. they invited you again. i think you should go. 

jerry: first of all, i made plans with elaine. 

helen: so bring her. 

jerry: i dont even know them. what is she, your second cousin? i mean, ive met them three times in my life. 

morty: i dont know her either. (gesturing to helen) she makes me fly all the way from florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket. 

helen: at least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then youll leave. 

morty: how come he gets to leave? 

jerry: if i wind up sitting next to uncle leo, i am leaving. hes always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. i guess its because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation. 

morty: and its always about jeffrey, right? 

jerry: yeah. he talks about him like he split the atom. the kid works for the parks department. 

kramer: morty, are you coming in? 

morty: oh, yeah. i forgot all about it. 

kramer: (to jerry) hey, howd you do? 

jerry: we won. were in the finals on wednesday. 

kramer: yeah! 

jerry: (to kramer and morty) what is this about? 

kramer: im completely changing the configuration of the apartment. youre not gonna believe it when you see it. a whole new lifestyle. 

jerry: what are you doing? 

kramer: levels. 

jerry: levels? 

kramer: yeah, im getting rid of all my furniture. all of it. and im going to build these different levels, with steps, and itll all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. you know, like ancient egypt. 

jerry: you drew up plans for this? 

kramer: no no. its all in my head. 

morty: i dont know how youre going to be comfortable like that. 

kramer: oh, ill be comfortable. 

jerry: when do you intend to do this? 

kramer: ohh... should be done by the end of the month. 

jerry: youre doing this yourself? 

kramer: its a simple job. why, you dont think i can? 

jerry: oh, no. its not that i dont think you can. i know that you cant, and im positive that you wont. 

kramer: well, i got the tools. i got the pillows. all i need is the lumber. 

morty: hey, thats some big job. 

jerry: i, dont see it happening. 

kramer: well, this time, this time youre wrong. cmon. ill even bet you. 

jerry: seriously? 

helen: i dont want you betting. morty, dont let him bet. 

kramer: a big dinner with dessert. but ive got till the end of the month. 

jerry: ill give you a year. 

kramer: no no no. end of the month. 

jerry: its a bet. 

jerry: (to elaine) seriously, do you wanna switch chairs? 

elaine: no, no. im fine. 

uncle leo: jerry, are you listening to this? 

jerry: yeah, uncle leo. 

uncle leo: so, so, now the parks commissioner is recommending jeffrey for a citation. 

jerry: right. for the reducing of the pond scum? 

uncle leo: no, for the walking tours. 

jerry: oh, yeah. where the people eat the plant life. the edible foliage tour. 

uncle leo: thats exactly right. he knows the whole history of the park. for two hours hes talking and answering questions. but you want to know something? whenever he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the parks department, you know who he calls? 

jerry: mickey mantle? 

elaine: (saving jerry from leo) jerry, jerry. did you taste these peas? (to manya) these peas are great! 

jerry: (eating a forkful) these peas are bursting with country fresh flavor. 

elaine: mmm... phenomenal peas. 

morty: are you ready for dessert? 

jerry: well, actually, we do have to kind of get going. 

manya: (surprised) youre going? 

elaine: oh uh, i dont really eat dessert. im dieting. 

jerry: yeah, i cant eat dessert either. the sugar makes my ankles swell up, and i cant dance. 

manya : cant dance? 

helen: hes kidding, manya. 

manya: is that a joke? 

helen: so, did you hear claires getting married? 

manya: yeah, yeah.. 

helen: i hear the fella owns a couple of racehorses. you know, trotters, like at yonkers. 

jerry: horses? theyre like big riding dogs. 

elaine: what about ponies? what kind of abnormal animal is that? and those kids who had their own ponies... 

jerry: i know, i hated those kids. in fact, i hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up. 

manya: (angry) i had a pony. 

jerry: well, i didnt uh really mean a pony, per se... 

manya: when i was a little girl in poland, we all had ponies. my sister had pony, my cousin had pony... so, whats wrong with that? 

jerry: nothing. nothing at all. i was just merely expressing... 

helen: should we have coffee? whos having coffee? 

manya: he was a beautiful pony! and i loved him. 

jerry: well, im sure you did. who wouldnt love a pony? who wouldnt love a person that had a pony? 

manya: you! you said so! 

jerry: no, see, we didnt have ponies. im sure at that time in poland, they were very common. they were probably like compact cars.. 

manya: thats it! i had enough! 

isaac: have your coffee, everybody. shes a little upset. its been an emotional day. 

jerry: i didnt know she had a pony. how was i to know she had a pony? who figures an immigrants going to have a pony? do you know what the odds are on that? i mean, in all the pictures i saw of immigrants on boats coming into new york harbor, i never saw one of them sittin on a pony. why would anybody come here if they had a pony? who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? it doesnt make sense. am i wrong? 

jerry: ill drive you to the airport. 

helen: no, were taking a cab. 

jerry: i just hope that whole pony incident didnt put a damper on the trip. 

helen: dont be ridiculous. it was a misunderstanding. 

morty: hey, i agree with him. nobody likes a kid with a pony. 

jerry: well, if you ever talk to her, tell her im sorry. elaine too. she feels terrible. 

helen: you know, you should give manya a call. 

jerry: maybe i will. 

kramer: oh, hi. i uh just came to say goodbye. 

kramer: need any help with those? 

morty: its nothing. i got it. so, how are your levels coming along? 

kramer: oh, well... i decided im not gonna do it. 

jerry: (laughing) really? what a shock. 

helen: goodbye, jerry. 

jerry: take care. 

helen: well call you. 

morty: bye, jer. 

jerry: bye, dad. take it easy. 

morty: bye, mr. kramer. 

kramer: yeah. so long, morty. 

jerry: so, when do i get my dinner? 

kramer: theres no dinner. the bets off. im not gonna do it. 

jerry: yes, i know youre not gonna do it. thats why i bet. 

kramer: ya well, theres no bet if im not doing it. 

jerry: thats the bet! that youre not doing it! 

kramer: yeah, well, i could do it. i dont wanna do it. 

jerry: we didnt bet on if you wanted to. we bet on if it would be done. 

kramer: and it could be done. 

jerry: well, of course it could be done! anything could be done! but it only is done if its done! show me the levels! the bet is the levels! 

kramer: i dont want the levels! 

jerry: thats the bet! (the phone rings; jerry answers it.) hello?... no- oh, hi... (kramer leaves) no, they just left... oh, my god... hang on a second. maybe i can still catch em. (jerry goes over to the window and opens it; calling out the window) ma! ma! up here! dont get in the cab! manya died! manya died!! 

helen: who did you talk to? 

jerry: uncle leo. 

helen: and whens the funeral? 

jerry: i dont know. he said hed call back. 

morty: you know what this means, dont you? we lost the supersaver. those tickets are non-refundable. 

helen: she just had a check-up. the doctor said she was fine. unless... 

jerry: what? 

helen: what? nothing. 

jerry: you dont think... what? the pony remark? 

helen: oh, dont be ridiculous. she was an old woman. 

jerry: you dont think that i killed her? 

morty: you know what the flight backll cost us? 

jerry: it was just an innocent comment! i didnt know she had a pony! 

morty: maybe we can get an army transport flight. they got a base in sarasota, i think. 

jerry: the whole thing was taking out of context. it was a joke. (the phone rings.) thats probably uncle leo. 

helen: hello?... yes, i know... well, its just one of those things... sure, sure, well see you then. 

helen: the funerals wednesday. 

jerry: wednesday? what, what wednesday? 

helen: two o clock, wednesday. 

jerry: ah 

helen: what? 

jerry: ive got the softball game on wednesday. its the championship. 

helen: so? youre not obligated. go play in your game. 

jerry: i didnt even know the woman. 

helen: so dont go. 

jerry: i mean i met her three times. i dont even know her last name. 

helen: jerry, no ones forcing you. 

jerry: i mean, who has a funeral on a wednesday? thats what i want to know. i mean, its the championship, im hitting everything. 

helen: i dont have a dress to wear. (to morty) and you. you dont have anything. 

morty: i got my sport jacket. 

helen: youre not wearing that to a funeral. 

morty: whats wrong with it? 

helen: it looks ridiculous. 

morty: what? im gonna buy a new sport jacket now? 

jerry: i dont know what to do. 

morty: (depressed) you know what this funerals gonna wind up costing me? oh boy! 

jerry: we dont understand death. and the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow. and, uh, i mean, hey, you know. i think if you cant stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, i dont see how bedding accessories really make the difference. i mean, they got the guy in a suit with a pillow. now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching forty winks? i mean, lets make up our mind where we think theyre going. 

elaine: i actually like ponies. i was just trying to make conversation. what times your game? 

jerry: two forty-five. 

elaine: and what times the funeral? 

jerry: two o clock. 

elaine: how long does a funeral take? 

jerry: depends on how nice the person was. but you gotta figure, even oswald took forty-five minutes. 

elaine: so you cant do both? 

jerry: you know, if the situation were reversed and manya had some mah-jongg championship or something, i wouldnt expect her to go to my funeral. i would understand. 

elaine: how can you even consider not going? 

george: you know, ive been thinking. i cannot envision any circumstances in which ill ever have the opportunity to have sex again. hows it gonna happen? i just dont see how it could occur. 

elaine: you know, funerals always make me think about my own mortality and how im actually gonna die someday. me, dead. imagine that. 

george: they always make me take stock of my life. and how ive pretty much wasted all of it, and how i plan to continue wasting it. 

jerry: i know, and then you say to yourself, from this moment on, im not gonna waste any more of it. but then you go, how? what can i do thats not wasting it? 

elaine: is this a waste of time? what should we be doing? cant you have coffee with people? 

george: you know, i cant believe youre even considering not playing. we need you. youre hitting everything. 

elaine: he has to go. he may have killed her. 

jerry: me? what about you? you brought up the pony. 

elaine: oh, yeah, but i didnt say i hated anyone who had one. 

george: (to jerry) whos going to play left field? 

jerry: bender. 

george: bender? he cant play left. he stinks. i just dont see what purpose is it gonna serve your going? i mean, you think dead peole care whos at their funeral? they dont even know theyre having a funeral. its not like shes hanging out in the back going, i cant believe jerry didnt show up. 

elaine: maybe shes there in spirit. how about that? 

george: if youre a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think shes gonna wanna hang around drexlers funeral home on ocean parkway? 

elaine: george, i met this woman. she is not traveling to any other dimensions. 

george: you know how easy it is for dead people to travel? its not like getting on a bus. one second. (snaps his fingers) its all mental. 

jerry: fifty years they were married. now hes moving to pheonix. 

elaine: phoenix? whats happening with his appartment? 

jerry: i dont know. theyve been in there since, like, world war ii. the rents three hundred a month. 

elaine: three hundred a month? oh, my god. 

eulogist: although this may seem like a sad event, it should not be a day of mourning. for manya had a rich, fulfilling life. she grew up in a different world  a simpler world  with loving parents, a beautiful home in the country, and from what i understand, she eve had a pony. (jerry throws up his hands.) oh, how she loved that pony. even in her declining years, whenever she would speak of it, her eyes would light up. its lustrous coat, its flowing mane. it was the pride of krakow. 

jerry: well, the games starting just about now. 

helen: it was good that the two of you came. it was a nice gesture. 

nephew: im not a doctor yet, uncle morty. im just an intern. i cant write a note to an airline. 

morty: youve got your degree. they dont care. they just want to see something. 

jerry: i just wanted to say how sorry i was... 

uncle leo: jerry, you wanna hear something? your cousin, jeffrey, is switching parks. theyre transferring him to riverside - so hell completely revamp that operation, you understand? 

jerry: yeah. 

uncle leo: hell do in riverside what he did in central park. more money. so, thats your cousin. 

morty: you dont understand, ive never paid a full fare. 

jerry: once again, i just want to say how sorry i am about the other night. 

elaine: oh, me too. 

isaac: oh, no no no. she forgot all about that. she was much more upset about the potato salad. 

elaine: so, i understand youre moving to phoenix? 

isaac: yeah, my brother lives there. i think manya wouldve liked phoenix. 

elaine: mmm, gorgeous, exquisite town. so, whats happening with your apartment? 

isaac: of course its very hot there. ill have to get uh air conditioner. 

elaine: oh, you can have mine. ill ship it out to you. (isaac isn't listening to elaine) but what about that big apartment on west end avenue? 

isaac: although they say its a dry heat. 

elaine: dry, wet... (trying to get through to him) whats happening with your apartment? 

isaac: i dont even know if i should take my winter clothing. 

elaine: i have an idea. leave the winter clothing in the apartment, and ill watch it for you and ill live there and ill make sure that nothing happens to it. 

isaac: oh, the apartment. jeffreys taking the apartment. 

elaine: oh, jeffrey. 

jerry: you know jeffery? 

elaine : yeah, from what i understand, he works for the parks department. 

helen: its raining. 

jerry: its raining? its raining. the game will be postponed. well play tomorrow. 

morty: believe me, i wouldnt bother you if the army hadnt closed that base in sarasota. here, scribble a little something here. 

nephew: i cant. ill get in trouble. 

morty: oh, for gods sake! 

george: who gets picked off in softball? its unheard of. 

jerry: its never happened to me before. 

elaine: i remember saying to myself, why is jerry so far off the base? 

jerry: ill have to live with this shame for the rest of my life. 

george: and then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly? 

jerry: i thought there were two outs. 

elaine: i couldnt believe it when i saw you running. (laughing) i thought maybe they had changed the rules or something. 

jerry : it was the single worst moment of my life. 

george: (smiling) what about sharon besser? 

jerry: oh, well, of course. nineteen-seventy-three. 

elaine: makes you wonder, though, doesnt it? 

jerry: wonder about what? 

elaine: you know... (looking up) the spirit world. 

jerry: you think manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me? 

elaine: i never saw anyone play like that. 

jerry: but i went to the funeral. 

elaine: yeah, but that doesnt make up for killin her. 

george: maybe manya missed the funeral because she was off visiting another galaxy that day. 

jerry: dont you think she woulda heard i was there? 

george: not necessarily. 

jerry: who figures and immigrants gonna have a pony? 

jerry: what is the pony? what is the point of the pony? why do we have these animals, these ponies? what do we do with them? besides the pony ride. why ponies? what are we doing with them? i mean, police dont use them for, you know, crowd control. (jerry crouches down, and makes like hes riding a pony.) hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. hey! hey, little boy. yeah, im talking to you. behind the barricades! so somebody, i assume, genetically engineered these ponies. do you think they could make them any size? i mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? that would be fun for monopoly, though, wouldnt it? just have a little pony and you put him on the... baltic, thats two down, go ahead. hold it. right there. baltic. yeah, thats it. fine. right there, hold it right there. 

jerry: i hate clothes, okay? i hate buying them. i hate picking them out of my closet. i cant stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. i think eventually fashion wont even exist. it wont. i think eventually well all be wearing the same thing. cause anytime i see a movie or a tv show where theres people from the future or another planet, theyre all wearing the same thing. somehow they decided, this is going to be our outfit. one-piece silver jumpsuit, v-stripe, and boots. thats it. we should come up for an outfit for earth. an earth outfit. we should vote on it. candidates propose different outfits. no speeches. they walk out, twirl, walk off. we just sit in the audience and go, that was nice. i could wear that. 

jerry : i think ive seen enough. 

salesman: well, i might have something in the back. 

elaine: the back? they never find anything in the back. if they had anything good in the back, theyd put it out in the front. 

jerry: why dont they open up an entire store for the back? call it, just back. all back; no front. you walk in the front, youre immediately in the back. (jerry picks up a tie display, and shakes it rhythmically from left to right.) look, elaine, tie carwash. 

customer: oh, i just read that. thats terrific. 

jerry: (pointing to elaine) her father wrote that. 

customer: alton benes is your father? 

elaine: yeah. 

customer: i always felt he deserved a wider audience. 

elaine: im not so sure he wants one. 

elaine: hey, dont forget sunday, okay? you and george are coming, right? hotel westbury, eight oclock. 

jerry: i guess im coming. i mean... 

elaine: what? what, you dont want to go now? 

jerry: no, ill go. im going. 

elaine: no, jerry, you have to. i need a buffer. you know, i havent seen my father in a while and... you know... 

jerry: im worried i wont be able to talk to him. hes such a great writer. frankly, i prefer the company of nitwits. 

elaine: so, thats why were not together anymore. 

jerry: what is this? 

jerry: this is beautiful. these jackets never fit me right. 

elaine: try it on. 

elaine: wow, this is soft suede. 

jerry: this may be the most perfect jacket i have ever put on. 

jerry: how much is it? 

elaine: (shocked) oh my god. 

jerry: bad? (elaine nods.) very bad? 

elaine: you have no idea. 

jerry: i have some idea. 

elaine: no idea. 

jerry: ive got a ballpark. 

elaine: there is no park and the team has relocated. 

jerry: let me see that. (jerry looks at the tag.) that is high. 

elaine: oh man, that is a beautiful jacket, though. 

jerry: whats with the pink lining and the candy stripes? 

elaine: well, its just a lining. you can always have it changed. 

jerry: should i get it? i hate these moments. im hearing the dual voices now, you know, what about the money? whats money? 

salesman: it looks wonderful on you. 

jerry: hey. 

kramer: hey. new jacket? 

jerry: what do you think? 

kramer: its beautiful. 

jerry: is it me? 

kramer: thats definitely you. 

jerry: really? 

kramer: thats more you than youve ever been. hey, what is with the pink lining? 

jerry: i dont know. its got a pink lining. 

kramer: oh... so, what did you pay for this? 

jerry : i paid what it costs. 

kramer: how much? 

jerry: whats the difference? 

kramer: what, youre not gonna tell me? 

jerry: id rather not say it out loud. its embarrassing. 

kramer: over three hundred? 

jerry: yes, but lets just stop it right there. 

kramer: its over four hundred? 

jerry : really, im not answering anymore. 

kramer: is it over four hundred? 

jerry: would you? 

kramer: woah, nelson! 

jerry: i know, i know. 

kramer: what are you gonna do with the leather one? 

jerry: i dont know. 

kramer: well, are you gonna wear it? 

jerry: maybe. 

kramer: youre not going to wear this. 

jerry: do you want it? 

kramer: well, yeah. okay. ill take it. i like the jacket. 

jerry: okay, take it. 

kramer: heey, good karma for you. (kramer puts on jerrys old jacket and stands next to jerry, looking in the mirror.) oh baby. 

george: (singing) master of the house/doling out the charm/ready with a handshake and an open palm/tells a saucy talk/loves to make a stir/everyone appreciates a... 

jerry: what is that song? 

george: oh, its from les miserables. i went to see it last week. i cant get it out of my head. i just keep singing it over and over. it just comes out. i have no control over it. im singin it on elevators, buses. im singin it in front of clients. its taken over my life. 

jerry: you know, schumann went mad from that. 

george: artie schuman? from camp hatchapee? 

jerry: no, you idiot. 

george: what are you, bud abbott? what are you callin me an idiot? 

jerry: you dont know robert schumann? the composer? 

george: oh, schumann. of course. 

jerry: he went crazy from one note. he couldnt get it out of his head. i think it was an a. he kept repeating it over and over again. he had to be institutionalized. 

george: really? (jerry nods his head) well, what if it doesnt stop? oh, that i really needed to hear. that helps a lot! all right, just say something. just start talking. change the subject. lets just go, all right? i cant believe were having dinner with alton benes. 

jerry: i know exactly whats gonna happen tonight. im gonna try and act like im not impressed, hes gonna see right through it. 

george: yeah, hell be looking at us like hes backstage at a puppet show. 

jerry: let me just get my jacket. 

george: (singing)  master of the house/keeper of the inn... (jerry re-enters the living room and modestly models his new jacket for george. george is impressed.) this is huge! when did this happen? 

jerry: wednesday. this jacket has completely changed my life. when i leave the house in this, its with a whole different confidence. like tonight, i mightve been a little nervous. but, inside this jacket, i am composed, grounded, secure that i can meet any social challenge. 

george: can i say one thing to you? and i say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. 

jerry: absolutely. 

george: its fabulous. 

jerry: i know. 

george: and ill tell you something else, im not even going to ask you. i want to know. but im not gonna ask. youll tell me when you feel comfortable. so what was it? four hundred? five hundred? did you pay five hundred for this? (jerry coyly ignores georges questions, while george grows increasingly serious.) over six? cant be seven. dont tell me you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? is that what youre saying to me? you are sick! is that what you paid for this jacket? over seven hundred? what did you pay for this jacket?! i wont say anything. i wanna know what you paid for this jacket! oh my god! a thousand dollars?! you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! all right, fine. (george heads for the door.) im walking outta here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (jerry remains silent.) oh, ho! all right! ill tell you what, if you dont say anything in the next five seconds, ill know it was over a thousand. 

kramer: (to jerry) hey. hey, would you do me a solid? 

jerry: well, what kind of solid? 

kramer: i need you to sit in the car for two minutes while its double-parked. i gotta pick up some birds. 

jerry: birds? 

kramer: yeah. a friend of mine, hes a magician. hes going away on vacation. he asked me to take care of his doves. 

jerry: so take a cab. 

kramer: they wont take a cage full of birds. 

jerry: i cant. im on my way out. theres no way i can do it. 

kramer: george, do me a solid? two minutes. 

george: well, im going with him. id like to... ive never done a solid before. 

kramer: all right... yeah. all right, have a good one. 

jerry: (scoffs) two minutes. believe me, i know his two minutes. by his conception of time, his life will last over two thousand years. 

george: (singing) master of the house/quick to catch your eye/never wants a passerby to pass him by... 

jerry: schumann. (george stops himself, frightened. jerry looks around the lobby.) where are they? 

george: maybe he didnt show up. 

jerry: what, you dont want to do this? 

george: i dont think theres ever been an appointment in my life where i wanted the other guy to show up. (george notices an elderly man in a leather chair.) wait a second, is that him? 

jerry: yeah, i think it is. (they walk toward the man. jerry hesitates.) wheres elaine? 

george: im nervous. 

jerry: (to the man) excuse me. mister benes? 

alton: yeah? 

jerry: im jerry, elaines friend, and this is george. 

george: its a great thrill to meet you, sir. 

alton: sit down. want a drink? 

jerry: sure. 

alton: whatll you have? 

jerry: (to waiter) ill have a cranberry juice with two limes. 

george: and, ill have a club soda with no ice. 

benes: ill have another scotch with plenty of ice. 

george: you like ice? 

alton: huh? 

george: i said, do you like ice? 

alton: like it? 

george: dont you think you get more without it? 

alton: wheres elaine? 

jerry: well, we thought she was meeting you earlier. shes usually pretty punctual. dont you find that, george? 

george: yeah, yeah. shes punctual... and uh shes been late, sometimes. 

jerry: yeah, yeah. sometimes shes on time, and... sometimes shes late. 

george: i guess... (chuckles) today shes late. 

jerry: it appears that way. 

george: yup. 

jerry: yup. 

alton: looks like rain. 

george: i know, i know, thats what they said. 

alton: who said? 

george: the weather guy, dr. waldo. 

alton: i dont need anybody to tell me its gonna rain. 

george: no, of course not. i didnt- 

alton: all i have to do is stick my head out the window. (the waiter returns with the drinks, and distributes them to the men.) which ones suppose to be the funny guy? 

george: (pointing at jerry) oh, hes the comedian. 

jerry: im just a regular person. 

george: no, no. hes just being modest. 

alton: we had a funny guy with us in korea. tailgunner. they blew his brains out all over the pacific. theres nothing funny about that. 

jerry: would you excuse me a minute? im gonna go to the bathroom. ill be right back. 

george: i just wanted to tell you that i really enjoyed fair game. i thought it was just brilliant. 

alton: drivel. 

george: yea, well, maybe some parts. 

alton: (defensive) what parts? 

george: the... drivel... parts. oh my gosh, i just realized  i have to make a phone call. i-i cant believe- would you- 

george: thank you for leaving me alone with him! 

jerry: that was brutal. i cant go back out there. 

george: well, lets just leave. 

jerry: elainell kill me. 

george: where is she? 

jerry: shes gotta be here soon. 

george: how could she leave us alone with this lunatic? ten more minutes, and thats it! im leaving. i have to tell you, this guy scares me. 

jerry: the waiter was trembling! 

george: if she doesnt show up, we cant possibly have dinner with him alone. 

jerry: how are we gonna get out of it? 

george: well say were frightened and we have to go home. 

jerry: yeah, thats good. hed clunk our heads together like moe. 

george: i dont know. just start scratching. tell him you have the crabs. he was in the military. hell understand that. 

jerry: all fathers are intimidating. theyre intimidating because they are fathers. once a man has children, for the rest of his life, his attitude is, to hell with the world, i can make my own people. ill eat whatever i want, ill wear whatever i want, and ill create whoever i want. 

alton: (to george) whod you call? 

george: (improvising) my uh uncle is having an operation. i just wanted to see how he was. 

alton: what kind of operation? 

george: bone marrow. 

manager: mister benes? 

alton: yes? 

manager: a message for you. 

alton: from elaine. she got tied up. shell be here in thirty minutes. 

alton: yeah, they shouldve taken care of castro when they had the chance. like we did in guatamala in fifty-three. 

jerry: well, guatamala... 

george: sure, guatamala... 

alton: all right, you boys get yourselves together. well head up to the restaurant. ill leave a note for elaine. im going to the bathroom. 

george: come on, lets go! 

jerry: what about elaine? 

george: to hell with elaine! 

jerry: shell be furious. 

george: were dying here! 

jerry: thats her! shes here! 

elaine: im sorry. im so sorry. where is dad? 

george: (contemptuously, imitating altons voice) hes in the bathroom. 

jerry: (to elaine) where have you been?! 

elaine: kramer! that... kramer! im just about to leave, he calls me up. he begs me to sit in his car for two minutes, so he can pick up these birds... 

jerry: oh, you didnt... 

elaine: well, he said hed drive me here right after. so, i am sitting in his car twenty minutes! he doesnt come down. i am freezing. then a cop comes by, tells me to get out of the car. hes a city marshal. hes towing the car away. kramer owes thousands of dollars in back tickets. he was going to tow it with me in the car! so, they tow the car. now, i am standing outside, and i am freezing, but i cannot leave because i have to tell him what happened to the car. so, finally, he finally comes down with his giant cage filled with doves. he said he was getting special instructions, that each dove has a different diet... so, were wandering around trying to get a cab, when two of these doves fly out! now were running down the street after these doves; i almost got hit by a bus! (elaine sits in altons chair and takes a deep breath.) so hows everything going over here? 

jerry: great. 

george: couldnt be better. 

elaine: good. cause dad can make some people a little uncomfortable. 

jerry: oh, no, no. 

george: get outta here.. 

elaine: man, kramer! i could kill him! 

jerry: i cant believe it. you know better than to get involved with kramer. 

elaine : he said hed give me a lift. 

jerry: ah, the lift. like the lure of the sirens song. never what it seems to be, yet who among us can resist? 

george: where do you come up with this stuff? 

alton: well, look whos here. 

elaine: oh, hi, dad. 

alton: hello, dear. 

alton: whos the lipstick for? 

elaine: no one. 

alton: hows your mother? 

elaine: fine. 

alton: how about you? are you working? 

elaine: yeah, im reading manuscripts for pendant publishing. i told you ten times. 

alton: pendant! those bastards. well all right, boys. well go to that pakistani restaurant on 46th street. youre not afraid of a little spice, are you? 

george: (singing) master of the house/doling out the charm/ready with a handshake and an open... 

alton: pipe down, chorus boy. 

elaine: ohh... its snowing. its beautiful. 

jerry: (to george) snow. snow, that cant be good for suede, can it? 

george: i wouldnt think so. 

jerry: what should i do? (to alton) uh, were taking a cab, arent we? 

alton: cab? its only five blocks. 

george: (to jerry) why dont you just turn it inside out? 

jerry: inside out! great. 

alton: wait a minute. what the hell do you call this? 

jerry: oh, i turned my jacket inside out. 

alton: well, you look like a damn fool! 

jerry: well, its a new suede jacket. it might get ruined. 

alton: well, youre not going to walk down the street with me and my daughter dressed like that. thats for damn sure. 

george: its uh, it's only a few blocks. 

jerry: (to the intercom) elaine? 

elaine: yeah. 

jerry: come on up. 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: hey. 

kramer: ive gotta feed the birds. 

jerry: so? 

kramer: you got any of those mini ritzes? 

jerry: i cant believe i do. 

kramer: yeah! well, are you going out? 

jerry: yeah. 

kramer: hey, wheres your new jacket? (jerry points to the jacket hanging in the bathroom. its ruined.) what? (kramer enters the bathroom, and sees the garment.) ohhh. what did you do to it? 

jerry: i was out in the snow last night. 

kramer: dont you know what that does to suede? 

jerry: i have an idea. (elaine enters; to elaine) we can make the nine-thirty at cinema three. 

elaine: okay. (to kramer) hello. (to jerry) listen, thanks again for coming last night. dad said he had a great time. 

jerry: is he still in town? 

elaine: no, hes driving back to maryland tonight. 

kramer: so, uh... what are you gonna do with that one now? 

jerry: i dont know. 

kramer: (smiling) well... 

elaine: (to jerry) i didnt want to tell you this, but usually he hates everyone. 

jerry: really? 

kramer: you gonna throw this out? 

jerry: well, i cant wear it. 

elaine: yeah, he like you though. said you reminded him of somebody he knew in korea. 

kramer: (to jerry) well, if youre just gonna throw it out, you know, i could take it. 

jerry: yeah, go ahead, take it. 

elaine: dad thinks george is gay. 

jerry: oh, because of all the singing? 

elaine: no, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay. 

kramer: hey, see, i like it like this. 

elaine: isnt that...? (jerry nods.) oh, is this from the snow last night? (jerry nods.) ugh... you know what you shouldve done? you shouldve turned it inside out. 

jerry: ill try and remember that. 

kramer: boy, its too bad you gave me this one too. 

jerry: yeah, too bad. 

kramer: im gonna have to do something about this lining. 

alton: (singing) master of the house/doling out the charm/ready with a handshake and an open palm... 

jerry: i had a leather jacket that got ruined. now, why does moisture ruin leather? i dont get this. arent cows outside most of the time? i dont understand it. when its raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, let us in, were all wearin leather. open the door! were gonna ruin the whole outfit here! is it suede? i am suede, the whole thing is suede, i cant have this cleaned. its all i got! 

jerry: the bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what youre doing. you ever see anybody on tv like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? some people have a little too much fun on television. the soda commercial people. where do they summon this enthusiasm? have you seen them? we have soda, we have soda, we have soda, jumping, laughing, flying through the air. its a can of soda! have you ever been standing there and youre watching tv and youre drinking the exact same product that theyre advertising right there on tv, and its like, you know, theyre spiking volleyballs, jet-skiing, girls in bikinis and im standing there, maybe im putting too much ice in mine. 

george: (excited) so then, as we were leaving, we were just kind of standing there, and she was sort of smiling at me, and i wasnt sure if she wanted me to ask her out, because when women smile at me i dont know what it means. sometimes i interpret it like theyre psychotic or something and i dont know if im supposed to smile back, i dont know what to do. so i just stood there like  remember how quayle looked when benson gave him that kennedy line? thats what i looked like. 

jerry: so you didnt ask? 

george: no, i froze. 

jerry: counter. 

george: oh yeah. so wait, wait. a half-hour later im back in the office, i tell lloyd the whole story. he says, so why dont you call her? i says, i cant. i couldnt, i couldnt do it right then. for me to ask a woman out i gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks. so lloyd calls me a wuss. 

jerry: he said wuss? 

george: yeah. anyway, he shamed me into it. 

jerry: so you called. 

george: right. and, and to cover my nervousness i started eating an apple, because i think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, it makes you sound casual. 

jerry: yeah. like a farm boy. 

george: right. so i call her up, i tell her its me, she gives me an enthusiastic hi! 

jerry: wow. the enthusiastic hi. thats beautiful. 

george: oh, i dont get the enthusiastic hi, im outta there. 

jerry: all right, so youre chewing your apple, you got your enthusiastic hi... go ahead. 

george: so, were talking, and i dont like to go too long before i ask them out, i wanna get it over with right away, so i just blurt out, what are you doing saturday night? 

jerry: and? 

george: she bought. 

jerry: great day in the morning. 

george: then i got off the phone right away. 

jerry: sure, its like robbing a bank. you dont loiter around in front of the teller holding that big bag of money. you come in, you hit and get out. 

george: its amazing. we, we both have dates on the same night. i cant remember the last time that happened. 

george: i cant stand doing laundry. thats why i have forty pairs of underwear. 

carol: you do not. 

george: absolutely. because instead of doing a wash, i just keep buying underwear. my goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. that way, i only have to do wash once a year. 

jerry: (in an attempted scottish accent) come on, try it. let me hear you try a scottish accent. 

donna: thats irish. 

jerry: irish, scottish, whats the difference, lassie? 

carol: so, uh, thanks for dinner. it was great. 

george: yeah. (clears his throat) we should do this again. 

carol: would you like to come upstairs for some coffee? 

george: oh, no, thanks. i cant drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up. 

carol: (confused by his response) so, um, okay. 

george: okay. 

carol: goodnight. 

george: yeah, take it easy. 

donna: thanks again for the movie. 

jerry: youre welcome. 

donna: id invite you up, but the place is being painted. 

jerry: oh, thats okay. 

donna: unless you want to go to your place. 

jerry: okay... but theres no cake or anything, if thats what youre looking for. 

george: (frustrated) take it easy! huh! take it easy! 

jerry: i think if ones going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note. its common courtesy. i dont know. thats just the way i was brought up. 

donna: values are very important. 

jerry: oh, so important. so what are you doing uh thursday night? you wanna have dinner? 

donna: thursdays great. 

jerry: tan pants. why do i buy tan pants, donna? i dont feel comfortable in them. 

donna: are those cotton dockers? 

jerry: oh, i cant begin to tell you how much i hate that commercial. 

donna: really? i like that commercial. 

jerry: you like that commercial? 

donna: yeah, its clever. 

jerry: now wait a second, you mean the one where the guys are all standing around, supposedly being very casual and witty? 

donna: yeah, thats the one. 

jerry: what could you possibly like about that? 

donna: i dont know. i like the, guys. 

jerry: yeah, theyre so funny and so comfortable with each other, and i could be comfortable too, if i had pants like that. i could sit on a porch and wrestle around, and maybe even be part of a real bull session. 

donna : hey, i know guys like that. to me the dialogue rings true. 

jerry: even if the dialogue did ring true. (donna starts to get annoyed that jerry won't let the conversation go) even if somehow somewhere men actually talk like that, what does that have to do with the pants? doesnt that bother you? 

donna: (annoyed) thats the idea. thats whats clever about it, that theyre not talking about the pants. 

jerry: but theyre talking about nothing. 

donna: thats the point. 

jerry: i know the point. 

donna: no one is telling you to like it. 

jerry: i mean, all those quick shots of the pants. just pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants, pants. what is that supposed to be? 

jerry: whats brutal about the date is the scrutiny that you put each other through. because whenever you think about this person in terms of the future, you have to magnify everything about them. you know, like the guyll be like, i dont think her eyebrows are even. could i look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life? and of course the womans looking at the guy, thinking, what is he looking at? do i want somebody looking at me like this for the rest of my life? 

jerry: im supposed to see her again on thursday, but can i go out with someone who actually likes this commercial? 

elaine: i once broke up with a guy because he didnt keep his bathroom clean enough. 

jerry: no kidding. did you tell him that was the reason? 

elaine: oh yeah, i told him all the time. you would not have believed his tub. germs were building a town in there  they were constructing offices. houses near the drain were going for a hundred and fifty thousand dollars. 

elaine: hi. 

jerry: youre still thinking about this? 

george: she invites me up at twelve oclock at night, for coffee, and i dont go up. no thank you. i dont want coffee. it keeps me up. too late for me to drink coffee. i said this to her. people this stupid shouldnt be allowed to live. i cant imagine what she must think of me. 

jerry: she thinks youre a guy that doesnt like coffee. 

george: she invited me up. coffees not coffee, coffee is sex. 

elaine: maybe coffee was coffee. 

george: coffees coffee in the morning. its not coffee at twelve oclock at night. 

elaine: well some people drink coffee that late. 

george: yeah, people who work at norad, whore on twenty-four hour missile watch. everything was going along so great. she was laughing, i was funny... i kept saying to myself, keep it up, dont blow it, youre doing great. 

elaine: its all in your head. all she knows is she had a good time. i think you should call her. 

george: i cant call her now. its too soon. im planning a wednesday call. 

elaine: oh, why? i love it when guys call me the next day. 

george: of course you do, but youre imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes, oh no, i dont drink coffee late at night. if i call her now, shes gonna think im too needy. women dont wanna see need. they want a take-charge guy  a colonel, a kaiser, a tsar. 

elaine: all shell think is that you like her. 

george: that's exactly what i'm trying to avoid! 

elaine: well, she wants you to like her. 

george: yes, she wants me to like her, if she likes me. but she doesnt like me! 

elaine: i dont know what your parents did to you. 

kramer: hey, i just thought of a really funny thing for your act. all right, youre up there, youre on the stage and you go, hey, you ever notice how cars here in new york, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore. someones in a life-and-death situation, and were thinking, well, sorry buddy, you shouldve thought of that when you were eating cheese omelettes and sauages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years. 

kramer: so you gonna use it? 

jerry : i dont think so. 

kramer: its funny. 

elaine: it is funny. 

jerry: i like to use my own material. 

kramer: thats as good as anything you do. 

george: all right, i gotta make a call. everybody out, come on. 

jerry: why do we have to leave? 

george: because i cant call a woman with other people in the room. come on, lets go. 

elaine: oh, see, this is the problem. 

jerry: youre kicking me out of my house? 

george: yes. 

elaine: (encouraging) dont forget. 

george: (to elaine) right, alright. (to jerry) oh jerry, do you have any apples? 

jerry: dont do the apples. its enough already with the apples. 

carol: (from the phone; a recorded message) hi, its carol, ill get back to you. 

george: um, hi, its george, george costanza, remember me? the guy that didnt come up for coffee. you see, i didnt realise that coffee didnt really mean... well, whatever. anyway, it was fun. it was... it was fun, so... oh boy, um, so... you call me back. if you want. its up to you, you know, whatever you wanna do. either way. the balls in your court. so uh, take it easy. 

jerry: im just gonna get my jacket, ill meet you downstairs. whats the matter, did you call? 

george: got her machine. im dead, im a dead man. thats it. im dead, im a dead man. dead man. 

jerry: what did you say? 

george: i dont know what the hell i said. i gave her an ultimatum and theres nothing i can do. its a machine. the little light is blinking right now, come and listen to the idiot. hey everybody, the idiots on! 

jerry: after one date you try and improvise on her machine? 

george: now im in the worst position of all. 

elaine: yknow, my brother-in-law once left a message on this guys machine, and he blurted out some business information he wasnt supposed to, and it would have cost him fifteen thousand dollars, so he waited outside the guys house and when the guy came home he went upstairs with him and he switched the tape. 

george: he did that? 

elaine: yeah. 

george: somebody did that? 

jerry: shell call you back. youre overreacting. 

jerry: not once. 

donna: never? 

jerry: i have never seen one episode of i love lucy in my life, ever. 

donna: thats amazing. 

jerry: thank you. 

donna: is there anything else about you i should know? 

jerry: yes, im lactose intolerant. 

donna: really? 

jerry: i have no patience for lactose. and i wont stand for it. um, ill be right back. 

george: wait till you hear this! (george sees donna and no jerry.) whoa, ah, im sorry, i didnt, i had no idea. 

donna: wait, wait. hes in the bathroom. 

george: i just wanted to talk to him for a minute, but ill come back. 

donna: you dont have to leave. 

george: you sure? 

donna: yes. 

george: okay. 

donna: im donna. 

george: donna. oh, youre the one that likes that commercial! 

donna: he told you about that? 

george: (back-pedalling) no, he, he didnt actually tell me that, uh, we were talking about that commercial  in fact i think i brought it up because i like that commercial. no, he, he would never tell me anything. he never discusses anything. hes, hes like a clam. youre not gonna mention this, to him... 

donna: (to jerry) so you go around telling your friends im not hip because i like that commercial. 

jerry: what? (to george) what did, what did you say? 

george: say? what? nothing, i... 

donna: you told him how i like the commercial. 

jerry: well, so what if i said that? 

donna: well, so, you didnt have to tell your friends. 

jerry: no, i had to tell my friends  my friends didnt have to tell you. 

george: (to donna) why did you have to get me in trouble? 

donna: i dont like you talking about me with your friends behind my back. 

george: boy oh boy. 

jerry: i said i couldnt believe you liked that commercial. so what? 

donna: i asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the commercial. 

jerry: boy, i bet you got a regular algonquin round table there. 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: oh uh, kramer, this is donna. 

kramer: oh. cotton dockers! 

george: hello! all right, we should be going. come on... 

kramer: what? where are we going? 

george: come on! 

donna: dont bother, im leaving. 

jerry: donna, really, youre making too much of this. 

kramer: one hundred percent cotton dockers. if theyre not dockers, theyre just pants 

jerry: please, donna... 

donna: i dont wanna hear it. 

george: i cant believe i said that. you know me, im a vault. 

jerry: dont worry about it, it wasnt working anyway. 

kramer: what happened there? 

jerry: ill tell you later. 

george: you are not gonna believe whats going on with this woman. 

george: okay, so you remember i made the initial call sunday, she doesnt call back. i call again monday, i leave another message. i call tuesday, i get the machine again, i know youre there, i dont know what your story is. yesterday, im a volcano  i try one more call, the machine comes on, and i let fly like mussolini from the balcony, where the hell do you get the nerve? you invite me up for coffee and then you dont call me back for four days? i dont like coffee, i dont have to come up. id like to get one more shot at the coffee just so i could spit it in your face. 

jerry: you said that? 

george: i lost it. 

jerry: i cant blame you. i cant believe she never called you back. 

george: she did. today. 

jerry: what? 

george: she called my office. she said shes been in the hamptons since sunday. she didnt know if i was trying to get in touch with her. her machine broke, and shes been using her old machine and she doesnt have the beeper for it. 

jerry: so she didnt get the messages. 

george: exactly, but theyre on there  waiting. she said she cant wait to see me, were having dinner tonight. shes supposed to call me as soon as she gets home. 

jerry: but what about the messages? 

jerry: elaines thing? how you gonna get in? 

george: ill meet her outside the building. 

jerry: but you know as soon as she gets in the apartment shes going right for that machine. 

george: unless she goes for the bathroom. thats my only chance. (george crumbles. he drops the cassette on the table.) who am i kidding? i cant do this, i cant do this. i dont even know how to work those stupid machines. 

jerry: theres nothing to it. you lift the lid, it comes right out. 

george: you do it for me. 

jerry: what? 

george: come on, itll be so much easier. 

jerry: how you gonna get me up there? 

george: ill tell her i bumped into you, im giving you a ride uptown. 

jerry: and who makes the switch? 

george: you do. 

jerry: i do. 

george : i cant do it. ill, ill keep her busy. 

jerry: i cant get involved in this. 

george: i think i may be in love with this woman. 

jerry: what if she sees me? 

george: oh, you are such a wuss. 

jerry: a wuss? 

george: yeah. 

jerry: did you call me a wuss? 

george: well there is traffic. it might take her till eight-fifteen. 

jerry: i got one problem. youre keeping her busy in the other room. now, what if she somehow gets away from you and is coming in? you have to signal me that shes coming. 

george: a signal, right, um, okay, uh, okay, the signal is, ill call out tippy-toe! 

jerry: tippy toe? i dont think so. 

george: you dont like tippy toe? 

jerry: no tippy toe. 

george: all right, uh, okay, i got it, um, ill sing. 

jerry: what song? 

george: how do you solve a problem like maria? 

jerry: what is that? 

george: oh, its a lovely song. (singing) how do you solve a problem like maria?... 

jerry: anything else? 

george: you pick it. 

jerry: lemon tree. 

george: peter, paul and mary. 

jerry: no, trini lopez. 

jerry & george: (singing) lemon tree, very pretty and a lemon flower... 

george: alright ok. you got the tape? 

jerry: standard. micro. 

george: how do you feel? confident? 

jerry: feel good. 

george: you nervous? 

jerry: not at all. 

george: get up, get up, its her! oh, the hell with this, im scared to death, just walk away, its off, cancel everything, go! 

carol: hey! what are you doing here? i thought i was supposed to call you when i got home. 

george: i, i couldnt wait. i was too anxious to see you. 

carol: oh, thats so sweet. 

george: oh, this is my friend, jerry seinfeld. i just bumped into him around the corner. isnt that a coincidence? the funny thing is, i see him all the time. 

jerry: all the time. 

carol: its nice to meet you. 

jerry: hi. 

carol: so, im starving. where are we gonna eat? 

george: you know, we could go uptown, and that way we could give jerry a ride home. 

carol: okay. lets go, im ready, whered you park? 

george: dont you wanna go upstairs first? 

carol: no, what for? ill just give my bag to the doorman. 

jerry: you know, i really need to use the bathroom. 

carol: oh well theres a bathroom in the coffee shop just next door. 

george: yes, yes, but uh, i have to make a call, so... 

carol: well they have a phone. 

george: i know jerry. he has this phobia about public toilets. i think we really should go upstairs. 

carol: (aloud) you know, i think i will go upstairs. i can check my machine. 

george: right, right. 

carol: the bathrooms on the hall to the right. 

jerry: uh, you know, why dont you go first, you just had a long trip. 

carol: no, im fine. 

jerry: um, you know, its the damnedest thing. it went away. 

carol: oh, thats weird. 

george: no, no that can happen. ive, uh, ive read about that in medical journals. its a freak thing, but... 

carol: well, let me just check my messages, and well go. 

george: uh, carol, can i talk to you for a second? right now? 

carol: sure. 

george: please, this is very, very important. 

george: (from other room) uh, tippy toe! tippy toe! lemon tree! 

carol: (to jerry) now i know who you are! youre a comedian. ive seen you, its driving me crazy. 

jerry: right. i am. 

george: carol, thats so rude. please, im serious, just for a moment, if you wouldnt mind. and then well talk to jerry. 

jerry: (calls) hey you two. im ready to go. 

carol: thats what you had to tell me? your father wears sneakers in the pool? 

george: (to jerry) dont you find that strange? 

jerry: yes. 

carol: well, ill just check my machine and well go. 

carol: no, nothing here, lets go. (carol, george and jerry head for the door. carol opens it.) oh, i forgot to tell you. after i talked to you today my neighbour called me and played my messages to me over the phone. 

george: oh, uh... 

carol: yours were hilarious, we were both cracking up. i just love jokes like that. 

jerry: i love my phone machine. i wish i was a phone machine. i wish if i saw somebody on the street i didnt want to talk to, i could go, excuse me, im not in right now. if you would just leave a message, i could walk away. i also have a cordless phone, but i dont like that as much, because you cant slam down a cordless phone. you get mad at somebody on a real phone  you cant talk to me like that! bang! you know. you get mad at somebody on a cordless phone  you cant talk to me like that! 

jerry: well, i painted my apartment again. ive been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time i paint it, it kinda gets me down. i look around, and i think, well, its a little bit smaller now. you know, i realize its just the thickness of the paint, but im aware of it. it just coming in and coming in. every-time i paint it, its closer and closer. i dont even know where the wall outlets are anymore. i just look for like a lump with two slots in it. kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. thats where i plug in. my idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the starship enterprise. you know what i mean? big chair, nice screen, remote control... thats why star trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. just hurtling through space in your living room, watching tv. thats why all the aliens were always dropping in, because kirk was the only one that had the big screen. they came over friday nights, klingon boxing, gotta be there. 

jerry: what did you do? 

kramer: mousse. i moussed up. 

elaine: i guess it was just a matter of time. 

kramer: you know, i should've done this years ago. i mean, i feel like i've had two lives. my pre-mousse. and now, i begin my post-mousse. hey, tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better looking guy? 

jerry: well, looks are so subjective. 

elaine: i dont mean to interrupt or anything, but on sunday, my friend is having a brunch for the new york marathon. 

kramer: (annoyed that he forgot) oh, i keep forgetting to enter that! 

elaine: she lives right above first avenue, says she has a perfect view of the race. and she said i can invite some friends. 

jerry: maybe. 

harold: (o.s.) no, im not going up there. 

jerry: (to elaine) harold and manny. 

harold: im not going. 

jerry: boys, boys. 

harold: oh, jerry. 

jerry: i slid the rent under your door, harold. did you get it? 

harold: yeah, yeah... hey, jerry, would you like anything from mrs. hudwalkers apartment? 

manny: (in spanish) you can't give him anything from there! 

harold: i was only joking. (to jerry) he thinks im gonna give you mrs. hudwalkers things. 

manny: (in spanish) you offered them to him. 

harold: (to jerry) we have to go up there now and clean the apartment. its a good thing her rent was overdue. shed be rotting up there for a month. 

jerry: she died? mrs. hudwalker died? 

harold: ninety-four years old. i found her yesterday. she didnt have her wig on. it was horrifying. 

manny: (in spanish) harold, come on, hurry up! 

harold: (to manny) whats the matter with you? im talking! so, jerry, you know anyone who needs an apartment? 

jerry: are you kidding? you know my friend elaine? 

harold: oh yeah, i like her. she always says hello to me. 

jerry: its not promised to anybody? cause shed take it in a second. 

harold: well, manny wanted it for his brother, but he got deported. 

manny: (in spanish) what do you mean deported? it was a misunderstanding with the department of immigration. 

harold: whats the difference? its true! 

jerry: so, its okay? i could just tell her she can have it? 

harold: sure, sure. shes getting a bargain, too. its only four hundred dollars a month. 

manny: (in spanish) four hundred dollars? what are you nuts? someone will pay more. 

harold: okay... 

harold: okay! 

kramer: hey, harold, what do you think? 

harold: manny, look. kramer put mousse in his hair. 

manny: (in spanish) it looks worse. 

kramer: (not understanding him) hey, thanks. 

elaine: what was that all about? 

jerry: (coyly) oh, nothing important. 

elaine: whats going on? what is that look? 

jerry: what look? nothing. 

elaine: somethings going on here. 

jerry: i dont know if you should sit for this or not. sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down. i cant decide. 

elaine: jumping up and down? what are you talking about? cmon. cough it up. 

jerry: oh, elaine. you know the way i am  rarely ever thinking of myself. my only concern is the welfare and happiness of those close to me. sure, it hurts sometimes to give, and give, and give... 

elaine: would you please? 

jerry: what would you say if i told you that... 

elaine: told me what?! 

jerry: ...i got you an apartment in this building. 

elaine: (dumbfounded) no. 

jerry: yes. 

elaine: no. 

jerry: yes. 

elaine: you didnt. 

jerry: i did. 

elaine: you got me an apartment in the building?! 

jerry: i got you an apartment in the building. 

elaine: how did you... 

jerry: remember mrs. hudwalker? the ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me? 

elaine: no. 

jerry: she died. 

elaine: (thrilled) she died?! 

jerry: she died. 

elaine: she died! 

jerry: and the rent is only four hundred dollars a month! 

elaine: get out! 

elaine: four hundred a month? only four hundred a month?! 

jerry: four hundred a month. 

elaine: and ill be right upstairs? 

jerry: right upstairs. 

elaine: right above you? 

jerry: right above me. 

elaine: oh, were neighbors. ill be here all the time! 

jerry: all the time. 

elaine: (overly excited) we can exchange keys so we can come in and out. oh, this is going to be great! 

jerry: all the time. 

jerry: the problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. i think life would be a lot better if it was like youre always making a movie. you mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. you know what i mean? think of the things you wish you could take back. youre out somewhere with people, gee, you look pregnant.. are you? cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, thats not gonna work at all. walk out the door, and come back in. lets take this whole scene again. people, think about what youre saying! 

george: thanks, see you later, donna. 

george: what happened to you? 

jerry: you cant believe what i just did. 

george: what? what did you do? 

jerry: i could tell you what i did, but you wouldnt believe it. its not believable. 

george: what did you do? 

jerry: how could i have done that? 

george: done what? 

jerry: i told elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. shes going to move in. 

george: elaines moving into your building? 

jerry: yes. right above me. 

george: right above you? 

jerry: yeah. 

george: youre gonna be neighbors. 

jerry: i know. neighbors. 

george: shes right above you? 

jerry: right above me. 

george: how could you do that? 

jerry: cause im an idiot! you may think youre an idiot, but with all due respect, im a much bigger idiot than you are. 

george: dont insult me, my friend. remember who youre talking to. no ones a bigger idiot than me. 

jerry: did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building? 

george: did you ever go to a singles weekend in the poconos? 

jerry: shes right in my building! right above me! every time i come in the building, im gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar. 

george: youre doomed. youre gonna have to have all your sex at womens apartments. itll be like a permanent road trip. forget about the home bed advantage. 

jerry: but i need the home bed advantage. 

george: of course. we all do. 

jerry: come in for two minutes and sit with me. 

george: i was just in there. its embarrassing. 

jerry: oh, whos gonna know? 

george: they saw me walk out. 

jerry: two minutes. 

jerry: my censoring system broke down. you know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? makes sure you dont make a mistake? he went for a cup of coffee. and in that second ruined my life. 

george: my censor quit two years ago. he checked into a clinic. emotionally exhausted. 

jerry: so, is there any way out of this elaine thing? 

george: tough. 

jerry: you know, the water pressures terrible in my building. and she loves a good shower. 

george: i never heard of anyone would turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray. 

jerry: if they were fanatic about showers, they might. 

george: for that rent, shed take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to. 

jerry: look at that woman feeding her baby greasy, disgusting, coffee shop corned beef hash. isnt that child abuse? 

george: id like to have a kid. of course, you have to have a date first... remember my friend, adam, from detroit? 

jerry: yeah, the guy with the flat head. 

george: hes a cube. anyway, he got married six months ago. he told me ever since hes been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes. 

jerry: yeah, ive heard that about wedding bands. 

george: i wonder if thats really true. 

jerry: that would be an interesting sociological experiment. you know, kramer has his fathers band. hed loan it to you. 

george: thanks a lot. ill give it back to you in a week. 

kramer: you know, i dont even know why youre fooling around with this ring. ive been telling you, get yourself some plugs. or a piece. 

george: im not doing that. 

kramer: oh, man. you know, youre crazy. youre a good looking guy. what do you want to walk around like that for? 

george: no, ill put half a can of mousse in my head like you. 

harold: i told you i dont like these sponges, theyre too small! i want a big sponge! 

harold: you cant pick up anything with these! theres no absorption! 

jerry: boys, boys. 

harold: hi, jerry. 

manny: hello, jerry. (in spanish to harold) you tell him. 

harold: okay 

manny: (in spanish to harold again) you tell him. 

harold: your friend cant have the apartment, jerry. 

jerry: what? 

harold: because somebody offered manny five thousand dollars for the apartment. i dont want to do it. manny wants to do it. 

manny: (in spanish) why are you telling him it's my fault? 

harold: because its true! why shouldnt i tell him? 

jerry: hey, hey. i understand. youre businessmen. 

manny: (in spanish) tell him that if his friend can come up with the same money then she can have the apartment. 

harold: oh, now, he says that if your friend has five thousand dollars, well give it to her. 

jerry: well, thats a lot of money. but, if thats the way its gotta be, thats the way its gotta be. 

jerry: you know, i used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events, but i see now that there is reason and purpose to all things. 

george: what happened to you? 

jerry: religion, my friend, thats what happened to me. because, i have just been informed that its going to cost elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the apartment upstairs. 

george: (jubilant) five thousand dollars? she doesnt have five thousand dollars! 

jerry: of course she doesnt have five thousand dollars! 

george: so, she cant get the apartment. 

jerry: cant get it. 

george: so, she doesnt move in. 

jerry: no move. so, you see, its all part of a divine plan. 

george: and how does the baldness fit into that plan? 

jerry: (to the intercom) elaine? 

elaine: yeah. 

jerry: (to george) all right, this is going to require some great acting now. i have to pretend im disappointed. youre going to really see me being a phony, now. i hope you can take this. maybe you should go in the other room. 

george: are you kidding? i lie every second of the day. my whole life is a sham! 

jerry: cause you know, i love elaine. 

george: of course you do. 

jerry: but you know... not in the building. really, i feel terrible about this. my intentions were good. what can i do? tell me. 

elaine: (to someone in the hallway) no, ill be seeing you. (she enters the apartment; singing) "good morning, good morning.. (to jerry and george) have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt its great to be alive? that every breath is a gift of sweet life from above? 

elaine: oh, and before i forget, i have the checks for the first month, last months security deposit. (laughs) i have seventy-five dollars left in my account. 

jerry: well... theres a little bit of a problem. 

elaine: oh, i know. theres a weak shower spray, i know. ive already thought about it, and im switching to baths. as winston churchill said, why stand when you can sit? maybe ill get some rubber duckies. 

jerry: uh, no uh, someone offered harold and manny five thousand for the apartment. im sure theyd just as soon give it to you, but youd have to come up with that money. 

elaine: five thousand dollars? i dont have five thousand dollars. 

jerry: i know. 

elaine: (disappointed) how am i going to get five thousand dollars? 

jerry: i have no idea. 

kramer: (to elaine) hey, my new neighbor! 

elaine: im not moving in. 

kramer: what? 

elaine: they want five thousand dollars now. 

kramer: so, okay uh whats the problem? 

elaine: i dont have five thousand dollars. 

kramer: cmon, you can come up with five thousand dollars. (to jerry) jerry, you dont have five thousand dollars you can led her? come on. 

jerry: yeah, well, i didnt- is that something you want to borrow? 

elaine: no, thats too much money to borrow. 

kramer: loan her the money. you can afford it. 

jerry: she doesnt wanna borrow the money. 

kramer: oh, cmon. shell pay you back. whats five grand between friends? 

elaine: of course id pay you back.. 

kramer: yeah, so whats the problem? 

jerry: who said theres a problem? 

kramer: hey see he said hed loan you the money. 

elaine: well jerry, it might take a while for me to pay you back. maybe a few years. how do you feel about that? 

kramer: thats okay. he doesnt care. 

elaine: well, you know, money can sometimes come between friends. 

kramer: get outta here. 

elaine: let me think about it. 

kramer: whats to think about? 

elaine: i dont know... i dont know. five thousand... let me just take one more look at it. 

jerry: (to kramer) it was all over! taken care of. done! finished. five thousand. wheres she gonna get five thousand? she doesnt have five thousand. clean. good bye. shes gone. then you come in, why dont you loan her five thousand? what do you care? youve got five thousand. give her five thousand! 

kramer: you didnt want her in the building? 

jerry: no, i didnt! 

kramer: well, then what did you loan her the five thousand for? oh, look, maybe she wont take it. i mean, she did say that she was gonna think about it. 

jerry: people dont turn down money. its what separates us from the animals. 

kramer: i still dont understand what the problem is having her in the building. 

jerry: let me explain something to you. you see, youre not normal. youre a great guy, i love you, but youre a pod. i, on the other hand, am a human being. i sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. you wouldnt understand. 

kramer: because im a pod? 

elaine: ill take it! 

roxanne: hi, elaine. 

elaine: oh, hi, roxanne. nice to be here. these are my friends. this is george, and this is jerry. 

jerry: hi 

elaine: jerrys the one who got me my new apartment. 

roxanne: so, youre elaines hero. 

jerry: yes, its my lifes work. 

roxanne: there are so few true heroes left in this world. 

george: yeah, my wife couldnt make it today. shes got something with her mother... who knows whats going on with her. dont let any one kid you, its tough. 

jerry: well, better load up on some carbos before the race. 

roxanne: oh, the marathon is great, isnt it? 

jerry: oh, yes. particularly if youre not in it. 

roxanne: i wish we had a view of the finish line. 

jerry: whats to see? a woman from norway, a guy from kenya, and twenty thousand losers. 

george: ...yeah, my wife started getting on me about the lawn today. im tellin you, its one thing after another. 

rita: is she here? 

george: uh no no, shes working. 

rita: what does she do? 

george: shes an... etymologist. you know, bees, flies, gnats. w-what about you? 

rita: i work for the director of madison square garden. its great! i can get free tickets to any sporting in new york. anyway, shes a very luck woman. enjoy the race. 

george: (calling after her) but.. 

roxanne: hi stan. joanne. 

elaine: jerry, this is joanne, and this is stan. theyre in my short story class with roxanne and me. 

jerry: hi how are ya? 

elaine: hey, jerry just got me a great apartment in his building! 

joanne: well, jerry, itll be nice having a close friend nearby. 

jerry: (no amused) fantastic. 

stan: she can pop in whenever she wants. 

jerry: i know. 

joanne: she doesnt even need to knock! 

jerry: its tremendous. 

stan: anytime of day. 

jerry: im in heaven. 

elaine: oh, rita come here. this is jerry. hes the one who got me the apartment. 

rita: oh, hi. (calling to someone) bob, this is the guy who got elaine the apartment. 

george: im sorry, i dont see the big deal about being a matador. the bull charges, you move the cape, whats so hard? 

susie: so uh, are you really married? because, ive actually heard of single guys who wear wedding bands to attract women. 

george: (laughs) youd have to be a real loser to try something like that. 

susie: thats too bad, because i really have a thing for bald guys with glasses. 

rita: hey everybody! here come the runners! 

elaine: (to jerry) so you and roxanne are hitting it off, huh? 

jerry: oh, i wouldnt quite say that. 

elaine: really? from a distance, you seemed to be coming on to her. 

jerry: im a guy  it always looks like that. 

elaine: because, i was thinking... are you at all concerned that living in the same building will, yknow... cramp our styles? 

jerry: nah... 

elaine: because, i was worried that there might be a situation in which one of us come home with somebody, it could get a little uncomfortable. but, as long as youre okay with it, its fine with me. 

janice: ive never been able to be with just one person. i can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. its a shame youre married. 

george: umm, im not. its just a sociological experiment! 

janice: please... 

jerry: you have no idea what an idiot is. elaine just gave me a chance to get out and i didnt take it. (pointing to himself) this is an idiot. 

george: is that right? i just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for ever sporting event in madison square garden. so please, a little respect. for i am costanza lord of the idiots! 

roxanne: (yelling out the window) youre all winners! 

george: but suddenly, a new contender has emerged... 

jerry: george, i didnt sleep at all last night. i decided i have to tell her. im just going to be honest. thats all... yes, im nervous... are you listening to me?... just put some soap on your finger. itll slide right off... then try axle grease... (kramer enters; to the phone) ill call you back after i talk to her... bye. 

kramer: well, its all taken care of. everythings cool. 

jerry: what? whats cool? 

kramer: elaine. 

jerry: what are you talking about? 

kramer: i just found a guy whos willing to pay ten thousand dollars for the apartment. 

jerry: you what?! get out! (pushes kramer) ten thousand? 

kramer: cash. 

jerry: who would pay that much? 

kramer: hes in the music business. 

jerry: elaine would never borrow that much money! (jerry hugs kramer, then grabs him by the cheeks.) kramer, my god, man! this is beautiful! i think im in the clear here. elaines not moving in. i dont have to confront her. she has no idea i never wanted her to move in. im golden! 

kramer: well, occasionally i like to help the humans. 

elaine: wow. youre right. that is loud. 

jerry: its just unbelievable. 

elaine: they rehearse all the time? 

jerry: all the time. ive been up there six times. they refuse to stop. i cant live like this. i dont know what im gonna do. im heading for breakdown! (to harold) cant you do something? 

harold: im not going up. it stinks up there. 

jerry: manny... 

manny: (in spanish) theyre allowed to play until eleven oclock! 

harold: im not the one who said eleven oclock. he makes up his own rules. 

elaine: boy, too bad. if i was up there, youd never hear a peep out of me. im as quiet as a mouse. 

kramer: oh, i love the one they do right after this one! (starts dancing) 

jerry: i dont know. what do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three oclock in the morning? i mean, can you knock on someones door and tell them to keep it down? youre really altering your whole self-image. i mean, what am i, fred mertz now? whats happening to me? can i do this? am i a shusher? i used to be a shushee. theres a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. people are always shushing. shh... shh... shhh... shhh... doesnt work, cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. they just hear a shh. was that a shush? i think somebody just shushed me. some people you cant shush in a movie theater. theres always that certain group of people, isnt it? theyre talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. they wont shush. theyre the unshushables. 

jerry: i have to tell you that i did some very exciting news recently, and i dont know if i should really tell you exactly what it is because its really not a definite thing yet. (crowd cheers him on to tell them) well, i will tell you what i know so far. according to the information that i have in the envelope that ive received, it seems that i may have already won some very valuable prizes. (audience applauds) well, thank you, thank you very much, well thank you. that's very nice to hear that. but, in all honesty, i have to say, i didnt even know i was in this thing. but, according to the readout, it looks like i am among the top people that they are considering. you know, thats what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, you may have already won. id like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. send out envelopes, you have definitely lost! you turn it over, giant printing, not even close! you open it up, theres this whole letter of explanation, even we cannot believe how badly you have done in this contest. 

jerry: (to kramer) to the right. 

george: that took awhile. 

jerry: dont get up. 

george: id like to help, but my neck.. 

george: so how long has it been in the basement? 

jerry: since my grandfather died. i was suppose to send it down to my parents in florida, but they didnt want it. they told me to get rid of it, but i felt funny and then i sort of forgot about it. and its been sitting down there for three years until he saw it. (to kramer) all right, so, just take what you want and lets get it out of here. 

george: whats in it? 

jerry: grandpa clothes, i cant wear em. 

kramer: you want these? knee socks. you dont wear knee socks. 

jerry: no, go ahead. look at this place. i cant wait to get it cleaned. 

george: i know someone wholl do it. shes good. shes honest. 

jerry: no, elaines got this writer friend from finland, rava. her boyfriend goes to columbia grad school, and hes suppose to do it. 

george: students cant clean. its anathema. (explaining) they dont like it. 

jerry: how long have you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation? 

kramer: now this i like. 

george: wait a second. (george gets up and heads for the statue in kramers hands.) i cant believe this! let me see this. 

kramer: wait, wait, wait... 

george: let me just see it. 

kramer: come on... 

george: let me just see it for a second. 

george: oh my god, its exactly the same! 

jerry: what? 

george: when i was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. exactly. and, one day, i grabbed it, and i was using it as a microphone. i was singing, macarthur park, and i got to the part about, ill never have that recipe again, and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. my parents looked at me like i smashed the ten commandments. to this day, they bring it up. it was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked. 

kramer: cmon, george. i saw it first. 

george: no, kramer. i have to have this statue. 

kramer: no, i got dibs! 

george: what? no dibs! i need this statue. cmon, give it! 

jerry: spread out, spread out you numbskulls. why dont you just settle it like mature adults? 

kramer: potato man! 

george: no, no, no potato man. inka-dink. 

kramer: okay...yea well uh start with me. 

george: yeah, good, good. 

jerry: inka-dink, a bottle of ink, the cork fell out, and you stink. 

jerry: not because youre dirty, not because youre clean  just because you kissed the girl behind the magazine... 

jerry: and you are it! 

kramer: what?! wait a minute. no, no, no. what are you doing? no, no, oh, oh, okay. hes out. i get it. 

george: no, no, no, no, im it. i win. 

jerry: no, hes it. he wins. it is good. 

kramer: do over  start with him. 

jerry: no, no, no, come on, kramer. now, you got the socks. 

kramer: all right, you can have it. (kramer tosses the statue to george.) 

george: (not expecting the statue to be thrown) dit. 

kramer: okay, im gonna take the suit, and the shoes, and the hat. 

jerry: all right, cmon. lets go. 

kramer: hey, i look like joe friday in dragnet. 

george: i cant believe i won at inka-dink. 

jerry: come on, lets go. 

george: yea. 

jerry: arent you gonna take it? 

george: no, no, no, i dont want to carry it around all night. ill pick it up later. 

george: (to kramer) what about your stuff? 

kramer: oh, uh, well - okay. 

jerry: all right, lets go. hey, you know, you owe me one. 

george: what? 

jerry: the inka-dink.. you were it. 

george: its bad? 

jerry: its very bad. 

rava: well, if they dont let you be my editor on this book, ill go to another publisher. its that simple. 

elaine: you told them that? 

rava: of course. 

elaine: (excited) this is so fantastic. i dont know how to thank you. 

jerry: (to rava) so, wheres this boyfriend of yours? i cant wait much longer. ive got a flight. 

elaine: oh, probably caught in traffic. 

rava: or maybe hes dead. 

jerry: so what do you write, childrens books? 

rava: thats ray. 

ray: ah, greetings, greetings, and salutations. i beg your forgiveness. my tardiness was unavoidable. rava, my love. elaine, my dear friend. and you must be jerry. lord of the manor. ah, my liege. a pleasure to serve you. 

jerry: all right... 

rava: and we have to get back to work. 

jerry: i gotta get to the airport. 

ray: your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your save arrival, sire. 

jerry: the uh toilet brush is under the sink. 

jerry: i dont really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because theres that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. you know, youre sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, im really sorry about this. i dont know why i left that stuff over there. and thats why i could never be a maid, because id have an attitude. id find them, wherever they are in the house, oh, i suppose you couldnt do this? no, dont get up, let me clean up your filth. no, you couldnt dust. no, this is too tough, isnt it? 

jerry: he really did an amazing job. look! he uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid! (jerry opens refrigerator.) he cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups! come here, look at this. (he gets on his knees and points.) he cleaned the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. how did he get in there?! he must be like rubber man! 

elaine: theres no rubber man. 

jerry: why did i think there was a rubber man? theres elastic man... plastic man... 

elaine: im leaving. 

jerry: where are you going? 

elaine: to ravas house. ive gotta pick up her manuscript. 

jerry: oh wait. ill go with you. 

jerry: elaine, he windexed the little peep hole! 

elaine: (to rava) so, the meeting with lippman is all set. hes the editor-in-chief! i think because of your request- 

rava: demand. 

elaine: they're going to promote me to editor. 

rava: daantotin. (there is a sound of the front door being unlocked.) theres ray... late as usual. 

ray: well, this is an unexpected surprise  and delight! the once and future king of comedy, jerry the first, gracing our humble abode. rava, were in the presence of royalty. 

jerry: hey, ray, listen, you really did a tremendous job cleaning that apartment. 

ray: but i didnt just clean your apartment. it was a ritual, a ceremony, a celebration of life. 

jerry: shouldnt you be out on a ledge somewhere? 

rava: the water is boiling. are you having tea? 

elaine & ray: yes. 

elaine: jerry? jerry! 

jerry: what? 

rava: (from the kitchen) ray, would you give me a hand? 

ray: yeah, im coming! 

jerry: i think thats the statue from my house. that looks like the statue from my house! 

elaine: what statue? 

jerry: i had a statue! 

elaine: you have a statue? i never saw a statue. 

jerry: my grandfather gave me a statue! 

elaine: since when? 

jerry: whats the difference?! thats the one! he ripped me off! this guy ripped me off! 

ray: do you take sugar? 

jerry & elaine: uhh... no. 

jerry: i cant believe it! this guy ripped me off! 

elaine: do you realize what youre saying? 

jerry: yes! this guy ripped me off! he stole that statue right out of my house! 

ray: lemon? 

jerry & elaine: uh... sure/yeah.. 

elaine: are you sure? 

jerry: pretty sure! ninety-nine percent sure. 

elaine: ninety-nine percent sure?! 

ray: ah, sweet elixir. its fragrant nectar a soothing balm for the soul. 

rava: ah those are the pastries, ray take care of that, i'm going to get elaine the manuscript. 

ray: ah, the pastries! 

elaine: maybe it just looks the same. maybe its just a coincidence. 

jerry: coincidence? this guys in my apartment and then, just by coincidence, he has the same exact statue in his apartment? 

elaine: i never saw the statue. 

jerry: i had a statue! what should i do? 

elaine: i dont know. 

jerry: ill call kramer. he can check my house. 

elaine: oh jerry, dont blow this for me. 

jerry: dont worry. (whispering into the phone) kramer! kramer!... its jerry!... jerry!... from next door!... never mind where i am!... yes, jerry seinfeld!... 

jerry: ma, i told you, just dip the bread in the batter, and put in right in the pan... okay, bye. (jerry hangs up; to rava) my mother. she forgot how to make french toast. you know how mothers are. 

rava: my mother left us when i was six years old. all seven of us. we never heard from her again. i hope shes rotting in an alley somewhere! 

jerry: my moms down in florida. shes got uh one of those condos. hot down there in the summer. you ever been down there? 

ray: i love these pastries. you know, in scandinavian mythology, the pastries were the food of the gods. 

jerry: listen, uh i just remembered... im... uh, getting a facial. 

elaine: oh, see you tomorrow morning. 

ray: how about dinner? 

jerry: no, i dont eat dinner. dinners for suckers. 

jerry: uh huh... yeah... okay, thanks anyway... bye. 

jerry: nope, the cop says its my word against his. theres nothing they can do. 

kramer: lets go get him. 

jerry: yeah, right. 

george: we cant just let him get away with this. 

jerry: do you realize how crazy he had to be to do something like this? he knew i was gonna know its missing, and he took it! and of all things to take! i left my watch, tape recorder, stereo. hes crazy. 

kramer: you wanna go get him? 

elaine: well, then, if hes crazy you should just forget it. 

george: forget it? i already called my parents. i told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. my mothers making her roasted potatoes! 

elaine: george, do you realize that rava has asked me to edit her book? 

george: who is this rava? 

kramer: i say we get him. 

elaine: no! 

george: let me just call him. 

jerry: ill call him. (jerry picks up the cordless phone. he points to the rotary phone on the coffee table. kramer, george, and elaine struggle for it.) hello, ray?... hi, ray, this is ravas friend, elaines friend, jerry... the king of comedy, right. listen, you know that statue on your mantle, the one with the blue lady? (he covers the reciever and yells at kramer and george.) would you shut up?! (to the phone) yeah, you dont want to talk about it over the phone?.. you dont want rava to hear?... yeah, i understand... you know that coffee shop near my house, monks?... all right, tomorrow... one o clock... great, okay, bye. 

elaine: all right, look, look, look. lets say he stole it. 

george: oh, he stole it! 

elaine: cmon, you cant do anything about it. the cops wont do anything. what, are you going to fight him? why dont you just forget it? 

jerry & george: no. 

george: i thought you said one oclock. 

jerry: relax, hes late. hes always late. its part of his m.o. 

george: remember, dont take any crap. 

jerry: yeah, yeah. dont worry about it. 

george: ill be right here. 

jerry: thats comforting. shh. hes coming. (to ray) ray? 

ray: oh, jerry. i cant believe you asked me about that statue. do you know how much trouble you couldve got me into? 

jerry: well, i didnt... 

ray: rava was standing right next to me. i never told her where i got the statue. 

george: (muttering to himself) i wonder why. 

jerry: well, just give it back, and i wont say anything. 

ray: give it back? 

jerry: yeah. 

ray: what are you talking about? 

jerry: what are you talking about? 

george: what is he talking about? 

ray: im talking about the statue. 

jerry: yeah, me too. 

ray: give it back to whom? 

jerry: me. 

george: yeah, him. 

ray: you? 

jerry: yeah. me. 

ray: im not getting this. 

george: you already got it. 

jerry: ray, i had a statue in my house. you were in my house  and then i saw it in your house. 

ray: what are you saying? 

jerry: what am i saying? 

george: take a wild guess. 

ray: are you saying i stole your statue? 

george: what a mind. 

jerry: well, i... 

ray: i cant believe what im hearing. 

jerry: i cant believe what im hearing. 

george: i cant believe what im hearing. 

ray: for your information, i got that statue in a pawn shop. 

george: pawn shop? 

jerry: a pawn shop? 

ray: yes. in chinatown with the money i earned cleaning peoples apartments. 

george: cleaning them out. 

jerry: oh, excuse me... look, ray, you were the only person in my house. 

ray: whats behind this? its rava, isnt it? 

george: again with the rava. 

ray: you want her. 

jerry: no, shes a little too cheery for me. 

ray: shes from finland, for crying out loud. finland! do you understand?! 

jerry: i know finland. theyre neutral. 

ray: is it me? do i rub you the wrong way? 

jerry: no, i actually find you quite charming. a bit verbose at times... 

george: oh, i find you so charming. you wuss. 

jerry: (to george) did you call me a wuss? 

ray: what did you say? 

jerry: i said luss. im at a luss. 

ray: i would just love to take you down to the shop where i got it. 

jerry: thats not necessary. (george slams his menu down on the table repeatedly.) you know, maybe its not that bad an idea. 

ray: and i would love to. nothing would please me more. but, unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to singapore. 

george: singapore?! do you hear this? 

ray: if you really want, maybe i can contact the guy in singapore and have him make a photostat of the receipt and send it over. 

george: thats it! thats it! i cant take it. i cant take it anymore! you stole the statue! youre a theif! youre a liar! 

jerry: george... 

ray: who is this? 

george: im the judge and the jury, pal. and the verdict is guilty! 

ray: whats going on here? 

george: guilty! 

ray: your friend is crazy. 

george: oh, im crazy! 

jerry: george, george... 

ray: ive got to get going. i have a class. 

george: oh ho! class, huh? at columbia? let me tell you something, pal. i called the registrars office. i checked you out. they have no record of a ray thomas at that school! you liar! 

ray: well, thats because im registered under my full legal name, raymond thomas wochinski. ray thomas is my professional name. 

george: you mean alias. 

ray: you are starting to make me angry! 

george: well, that was bound to happen. 

ray: (to jerry) i hope you think about what youve done here today. and if you want to call and apologize, you know where to reach me. 

jerry: hey, ray. 

ray: yes? 

jerry: how did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? it was like a brand-new nozzle! 

elaine: nervous? 

rava: why should i be? 

elaine: yeah. right. 

rava: your notes are very insightful. 

elaine: the book is great. did you go out last night? 

rava: no. we made love on the floor like two animals. ray is insatiable. 

elaine: they all are. 

rava: was jerry? 

elaine: i cant remember. 

rava: you know, ray is very upset over these accusations. 

elaine: oh, well, im staying out of this one. this is between them. i am not getting involved. 

rava: so you think he stole it?! 

elaine: well, you have to admit... the circumstantial evidence... 

rava: i admit nothing! 

man: will you put that cigarette out, please? 

elaine: well, i mean, he was in the apartment, and then its gone and its in your apartment. 

rava: maybe you think were in cahoots. 

elaine: no, no. but it is quite a coincidence. 

rava: yes, thats all a coincidence! 

elaine: a big coincidence. 

rava: not a big coincidence. a coincidence! 

elaine: no, thats a big coincidence. 

rava: thats what a coincidence is! there are no small coincidences and big coincidences! 

elaine: no, there are degrees of coincidences. 

rava: no, there are only coincidences! ask anyone! 

rava: are there big coincidences and small coincidences, or just coincidences? well?! well?! 

man: will you put that cigarette out?! 

rava: maybe i put it out on your face! (to elaine) its just like ray said. you and jerry are jealous of our love. youre trying to destroy us. 

elaine: shouldnt you be out on a ledge somewhere? 

george: ma, will you stop?... its just a statue!... how is it my fault?!... it was stolen. i didnt even touch it this time... okay, fine... i dont see why this should affect to potatoes!... okay... goodbye. (george hangs up.) she doesnt react to disappointment very well. unlike me. 

kramer: im not happy about this. 

elaine: why dont we just throw a molotov cocktail through their window? 

george: theres just no justice. this experience has changed me. its made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded. 

jerry: really? 

george: (casually) sure, why not. 

elaine: well, how do you think i feel? instead of editing the first novel of a major young writing talent, i am proofreading a food allergy cookbook. 

jerry: cant you talk to your boss? 

elaine: i did. he loves rava. worse, he loves ray. and he didn't think youre funny at all. 

kramer: (talking to himself) im not happy about this. 

jerry: well, perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.. 

george: yeah, hell have my parents. 

kramer: (from the other side of the door) police! open up! 

ray: police? 

kramer: freeze, mother! 

ray: hey. 

kramer: shut up. spread em. i said spread em! (looks around) youre in big trouble son. burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods... and uh, uh... murder. 

ray: murder?! 

kramer: shut up! keep em spread! just make love to that wall, pervert! 

ray: i think you have me confused with somebody else. 

kramer: is your name ray? 

ray: yeah. 

kramer: yeah, youre the punk im looking for! 

ray: hey, hey, are you a cop? 

kramer: yeah, im a cop. im a good cop. im a damn good cop! (on that line, kramer points to ray, and ray turns back to the wall. kramer heads for the door.) todays your lucky day, junior, cause im gonna let you off with a warning. any more of this criminal activity, and youll be sorry. you got me? 

ray: got you? i dont even know what the hell youre talking about. 

kramer: good, good. lets uh keep it that way. 

jerry: all right, all right. whats the big hubbub, bub? 

george: kramer, i cant believe it. oh, youre my hero! 

kramer: yeah. 

jerry: kramer, what did you do? 

kramer: well, lets just say i didnt take him to peoples court. 

george: i feel like a huge weights been lifted off my shoulders. i... i... i feel happy! kramer, i dont know how to thank you! 

kramer: well, ill think of something. 

jerry: people are going to steal from you. you cant stop them. but, everybody has their own little personal security things. things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? in your own mind, right? you go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker, whos gonna know? what criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? i tied a bow. they cant get through that. i put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. they never look there. they check the heel, they move on. 

jerry: whenever i see the news and they're hauling in some kind of terrorist, psycho, maniac, mass murderer guy. you notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat. what is he worried about? i mean what is this man's reputation? that he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name? i mean, what is he up for a big job promotion down at the office or something? afraid the boss is gonna catch this on tv and go "isn't that johnson from sales? he's up in that clock tower picking people off one by one. i don't know if that's that kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. he should be in bill collection. i think he's got aptitude." 

levitan: (on the phone) ha ha, she was great. you don't want to know. hey breaky, remind me to tell you what we did in lake george. (laughing) get this...i got it all on video. (laughing) 

george: that's it. this is it. i'm done. through. it's over. i'm gone. finished. over. i will never work for you again. look at you. (laughing) you think you're an important man? is that what you think? you are a laughingstock. you are a joke. these people are laughing at you. you're nothing! you have no brains, no ability, nothing! (knocking object over on desk) i quit! 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: hey. 

kramer: boy, i have really had it with newman. he wakes me up again last night at three o'clock in the morning to tell me he's going up onto the roof to kill himself. 

jerry: well, what'd you say? 

kramer: i said " jump." well, he's been threatening to do this for years. i said " look, if you're gonna kill yourself do it already and stop bothering me." at least i'd respect the guy for accomplishing something. 

jerry: what's his problem? 

kramer: no job. no women. 

jerry: he called the right guy. 

kramer: well, what am i supposed to tell him? how much there is for him to live for? why should i lie to him? 

jerry: all right, i'm leaving. i going to the laundry. 

kramer: why don't you use the machines down in the basement? 

jerry: fluff and fold. the only way to live. (snapping fingers in tune with words) i drop it off. i pick it up. it's a delight. 

kramer: how 'bout if i put a few things -- 

jerry: wait a sec. i don't wanna do -- 

kramer: well, you're going over there. 

jerry: i don't wanna mix in everything! my guys don't know your guys. you can't just lock 'em all in the same machine together. they'll start a riot. 

kramer: have you ever met my guys? 

jerry: no. i can't say as i have. 

kramer: well! 

jerry: all right. put 'em on top. 

kramer: ah! 

jerry: oh, beautiful. 

jerry: this stuff on top is my friends. could i get it done in a separate machine? 

vic: i'll have to charge you for another machine. 

jerry: whatever it costs. in fact, i would prefer it if the machines are not even touching each other. because something could, you know, jump across. 

george: guess what. 

jerry: how did you know i was here? 

george: kramer. guess what. 

jerry: i don't know. 

george: i quit my job. 

jerry: get outta here. 

george: i couldn't take it anymore. 

vic: you can have this on monday. (hands jerry a ticket) 

jerry: what happened? levitan? 

george: i go in to use his private bathroom, everybody uses it, and then i get a memo - a memo - telling me to use the men's room in the hall. well, (laughing) i mean we share it with pace electronics. it's disgusting! 

jerry: you and your toilets. 

george: i snapped! it was the last straw. (sighs) 

jerry: so, what are you gonna do now? are you gonna look for something else in real estate? 

george: nobody's hiring now. the market's terrible. 

jerry: so what are you gonna do? 

george: i like sports. i could do something in sports. 

jerry: uh-huh. uh-huh. in what capacity? 

george: you know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something. 

jerry: yeah. well, that - that could be tough to get. 

george: well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. maybe i could be like, an announcer. like a color man. you know how i always make those interesting comments during the game. 

jerry: yeah. yeah. you make good comments. 

george: what about that? 

jerry: well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting. 

george: well, that's really not fair. 

jerry: i know. well, okay. okay. what else do ya like? 

george: movies. i like to watch movies. 

jerry: yeah. yeah. 

george: do they pay people to watch movies? 

jerry: projectionists. 

george: that's true. 

jerry: but you gotta know how to work the projector. 

george: right. 

jerry: and it's probably a union thing. 

george: (scoffs) those unions. (sighs) okay. sports,...movies. what about a talk show host? 

jerry: talk show host. that's good. 

george: i think i'd be good at that. i talk to people all the time. someone even told me once they thought i'd be a good talk show host. 

jerry: really? 

george: yeah. a couple of people. i don't get that, though. where do you start? 

jerry: well, that's where it gets tricky. 

george: you can't just walk into a building and say " i wanna be a talk show host." 

jerry: i wouldn't think so. 

george: it's all politics. 

jerry: all right. okay. sports, movies, talk show host. what else? 

george: this could have been a huge mistake. 

jerry: well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through. 

george: (sighs) guess not. what should i do? 

jerry: maybe you can just go back. 

george: go back? 

jerry: yeah. pretend like it never happened. 

george: you mean just walk into the staff meeting on monday morning like it never happened? 

jerry: sure. you're an emotional person. people don't take you seriously. 

george: just..go back. pretend the whole thing never happened. 

jerry: never happened. 

george: i was just blowin' off a little steam. so what? 

jerry: so what? you're entitled. 

george: i'm emotional. 

jerry: that's right. you're emotional. 

george: never happened. 

jerry: never happened. 

jerry: to me the most annoying thing about the couple of times that i did work in an office. is that when you go in, in the morning you say hi to everyone and for some reason throughout the day you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them. i mean you walk in "morning bill, morning bob, how you doing? fine" ten minutes later you see him in the hall, "how ya doin'?" every time you pass you gotta come up with another little greeting. you know you start racking your brains you know you do the little eyebrow "hey" you start coming up with nicknames for them. "jimbo." 

george: how ya doin'? 

glenda: what are you doing here? 

george: what? i work here. 

glenda: i thought you quit. 

george: what quit? (laughing) who quit? 

dan: bill, how was your weekend? 

bill: oh, excellent weekend. what about your weekend? 

dan: fine weekend. 

george: yeah. good weekend. 

dan: went up to the cape. took the kids sailing. (laughing) lisa was a little scared at first, but that kids' gonna be a good sailor someday. 

george: aw, she's gonna be a fine sailor. 

levitan: ava, what happened to you friday afternoon? 

ava: oh, i got a little tied up. 

levitan: i'll bet you did. 

levitan: i wanna remind everyone that the tenth anniversary party for rick barr properties is gonna be wednesday afternoon at four o'clock in lasky's bar, on madison 48th. i want all of you to be there. this really means a lot to me. is that costanza over there? what are you doing here? 

george: what? 

levitan: am i crazy, or didn't you quit? 

george: when? 

levitan: friday. 

george: oh, what? what? that? are you kidding? i didn't quit. what? you took that seriously? 

levitan: you mean, laughingstock? all that stuff? 

george: come on. will you stop it. 

levitan: no brains? no ability? 

george: teasing. 

levitan: okay. i want you outta here. 

george: i don't know where you're getting this from. i....you're serious aren't you? oh, (laughing) you see? you see, you just don't know my sense of humor. dan, don't i joke around all the time? 

dan: i wouldn't say all the time. 

levitan: you can't win. you can't beat me. that's why i'm here and you're there. because i'm a winner. i'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser. 

george: " i'll always be a winner and you'll always be a loser." this is what he said to me. 

jerry: well, so that's that. 

george: no. that's not that. 

jerry: that's not that? 

george: no. 

jerry: well, if that's not that, what is that? 

george: i've got some plans. i got plans. 

jerry: what kind of plans? 

george: what's the difference? 

jerry: you don't wanna tell me? 

george: i'm gonna slip him a mickey. 

jerry: what? in his drink? are you outta your mind? what are you peter lorre? 

george: you don't understand. he's got this big party coming up. he's been looking forward to this for months. this is gonna destroy the whole thing. 

jerry: what if you destroy him? 

george: no. no. no. no. no. don't worry. it's perfectly safe. i researched it. he'll get a little woozy. he might keel over. 

jerry: well, wha - what does that do? big deal. 

george: this is what they would do in the movies! it's a beautiful thing! it's like a movie! i'm gonna slip him a mickey! 

jerry: you've really gone mental. 

george: nah. 

jerry: where are you gonna get this mickey? i can't believe i'm saying "mickey"! 

george: i got a source. 

jerry: you got a mickey source? 

george: and elaine is gonna keep him busy. 

jerry: elaine? how did you rope her into this? 

george: i told her what a sexist he is. how he cheats on his wife. 

jerry: she knew that. 

george: but she didn't know he doesn't recycle. 

jerry: what is the point of all this? 

george: revenge. 

jerry: oh, the best revenge is living well. 

george: there's no chance of that. 

jerry: did you get your laundry? 

kramer: yeah. 

jerry: what's with you? 

kramer: he jumped. 

jerry: what? 

kramer: yeah. newman jumped. 

jerry: did he call you last night? 

kramer: oh, yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. 

jerry: what did you say? 

kramer: i said " wave to me when you pass my window." 

jerry: whew. did he wave? 

kramer: no! he jumped from the second floor. mr. papanickolous saw him from across the street. he's lying out there faking. see, he's trying to get back at me. 

jerry: (realizing something) oh, my god! 

kramer: what's the matter? 

jerry: (tearing through his laundry bag) well, on thursday when i came home i had $1500 on me. for some reason i decided to hide it in my laundry bag and then i completely forgot about it...and then i took the laundry in on friday! oh, come on, let's go. 

kramer: where? where? 

jerry: to the laundromat. 

vic: i never saw it. 

kramer: okay. come on. give the guy his money. what -- what are you doing? 

vic: hey, you see that sign right there? (points to a sign saying "not responsible for valuables" 

jerry: oh, i see. so, you put up a sign so you can do whatever you want? you're not a part of society. 

vic: yea that's right, 'cuz this place is my country and i'm the president, and that's my constitution. i'm not responsible. 

jerry: so, anybody leaves anything here, you can just take it? you have a license to steal? you are like the james bond of laundry? 

vic: you ever hear of a bank? 

jerry: come on. let's go. 

kramer: no. you can't let him get away with this. 

elaine: which one is he? 

george: that's him over there. the one that looks like a blowfish. 

elaine: oh, yeah. i see him. 

george: yeah. hey, thanks for doing this. 

elaine: why pass up the opportunity to go to prison? 

george: this is by far the most exciting thing i've ever done. 

elaine: yeah. it is kind of cool. 

george: first time in my life i've ever gotten back at someone. 

elaine: i can't believe we're doing this. this is the kind of thing they do in the movies. 

george: that's exactly what i told jerry! 

elaine: really? 

george: yes! (both laugh) god, i've never felt so alive! 

jerry: maybe we should call this off. 

kramer: come on. what's the big deal? just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine. 

jerry: and what's gonna happen? 

kramer: well, it'll gonna mix up with the water, and then by the end of the cycle it'll be a solid block! 

jerry: if only you could put your mind to something worthwhile. you're like lex luthor. 

kramer: you keep him busy. 

kramer: whoa! 

george: you go over there - 

elaine: yeah. 

george: you start flirting with him and i'll come by and, while you're keeping him busy, i'll slip it in his drink. 

elaine: wouldn't it be easier just to punch him in the mouth? 

levitan: come on! they're terrible. they got no infield. 

elaine: oops! (bumps into levitan) 'scuse me. 

levitan: yeah. 

greeny: i'm gonna get some food. you want some? 

levitan: nah. 

elaine: hi. 

levitan: hi. 

elaine: (sneezes) 

levitan: god bless you. 

elaine: oh! thank you. thank you very much. (blowing nose) really. i mean that. i am not one of those people who give insincere thank you's. no sir. no sir. when i thank someone i really thank them. so, thank... yoooou! 

levitan: (confused) you're welcome. 

elaine: people don't say " god bless you " as much as they used to. have you noticed that? 

levitan: no. 

elaine: (having trouble getting him to pay attention) so, i'm going to a nudist colony next week. 

levitan: (interested) nudist colony? 

elaine: oh, yeah. yeah. i love nudist colonies. they help me..unwind. aah! 

levitan: (laughing) i'd never been to a nudist colony. 

elaine: oh, really? oh, you should go. they're great. they're great. of course, when it's over, it's - it's hard to get used to all this clothing, you know. so, a lot of times, i'll just lock the door to my office and i'll just sit there naked. 

levitan: seriously? 

elaine: oh, yeah. i usually work naked a...couple hours a day. 

george: (whispering) glenda, can i ask you a favor? can i have this seat? 

glenda: (loud) what do you have to sit here for? there are plenty of other seats. 

george: (whispering) i can't explain. it's very important that i sit here. 

glenda: (loud) what are you doing here anyway? i thought you were fired. 

george: (whispering angrily) okay. okay. fine. 

elaine: i cook naked, i clean....i clean naked, i drive naked. naked. naked. naked. 

levitan: who are you? 

elaine: oh, you don't wanna know, mistah. i'm trouble. big trouble. 

jerry: (trying to divert vic's attention) what about the gentle cycle? you ever use that? 

jerry: do you think it's effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle? 

jerry: what about fine fabrics? how do you deal with that kind of temperament? 

jerry: what about stone washing? you ever witness one of those? that must be something. what? do they just pummel the jeans with rocks? 

kramer: i didn't realize it was a full box. 

george: (trying again with glenda) i'm gonna count to three. if you don't give up the chair, the wig is coming off. 

glenda: i don't' wear a wig. 

george: one... (glenda seeing george is serious; gets up and leaves) 

elaine: no. no. no. no. no. i don't really have a phone. in fact, i - i really don't have an apartment. i kinda sleep around. 

elaine: i just like to have and few drinks and just let the guy do whatever he wants. would you close your eyes for a second? i wanna tell you a secret about my bra. 

george: hello, rick. 

levitan: heh heh heh hey! look who's here! 

george: that's right, ricky boy, it's me! 

levitan: you know something, costanza? i'm a very lucky man. 

george: oh! 

levitan: i've always been lucky. things just seem to fall right in my lap. 

george: boom! 

levitan: you wouldn't believe it if i told you. in fact, uh, i'm glad you're here. you know, maybe i've been a little rough on ya, huh? 

george: oh. 

levitan: why should we let petty, personal differences get in the way of business? i, uh, i want you to come back. (george is shocked) you can use my bathroom anytime you want. 

george: you want me to come back? uh... 

levitan: hey! how about a toast, huh? everybody, a toast! 

george: rick. 

levitan: everyone, i wanna propose a toast to ten great years at rick barr properties. 

george: uh, rick.. 

levitan: and all the people in this room, (clears throat) that made that possible.. 

george: rick. 

levitan: i'd also like to welcome back into the fold our..our little shrimpy friend, george costanza who, although he didn't really have a very good year -- how you blew that mcconnell deal, i'll never know. but, hey, what the hell, huh? we've always enjoyed his antics around the office. heh heh. anything you wanna add to this? 

george: drink up. (levitan takes a drink) 

george: i like history. civil war. maybe i could be a professor, or something. 

elaine: well, to teach something you really have to know a lot about it. i think you need a degree. 

jerry: yeah. that's true. 

kramer: (seeing jerry is with people) oh. 

jerry: what? (kramer hands jerry an envelope) my god, the money! the 1500! where'd you find it? 

kramer: it was in my laundry. 

jerry: in your laundry the whole time? i told you not to mix in our guys. what did we figure the damage on that machine would be? 

kramer: it was about 1200 bucks. 

newman: kramer! 

kramer: oh! that's newman. (goes over to the window) 

newman: i'm on the roof! 

kramer: (yelling up) well, what are you waiting for? 

jerry: elaine, come on, take a walk with me down to the laundromat. i gotta pay this guy the money.. 

george: (talking to nobody) i like horses. maybe i could be a stable boy. 

kramer: you wanna shoot some pool tonight? 

newman: i can't. i'm goin' to a movie. 

george: (talking to nobody) nah. it's probably a union thing. 

jerry: people like the idea of revenge. have you ever heard the expression 'the best revenge is living well' i've said this, in other words it means supposedly the best way to get back at someone is just by being happy and successful in your own life. sounds nice, doesn't really work on that charles bronson. kinda level. you know what i mean, those movies where his whole family gets wiped out by some street scum. you think you could go up to him, 'charlie forgot about the 357 what you need is a custom-made suit and a convertible. new carpeting, french doors, a divan. that'll show those punks.' 

[setting: night club] 

jerry: you know, i tell ya, i gotta say that i'm enjoying adulthood. for a lot of reasons. and, i'll tell you reason number one as an adult, if i want a cookie, i have a cookie, okay? i have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if i want. many times i will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. just ruin it. and then, i call my mother up right after to tell her that i did it. "hello, mom? yeah, i just ruined my entire appetite.. cookies." so what if you ruin.. see, because as an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. there's no danger in running out of appetites. i've got millions of them, i'll ruin them whenever i want! 

[setting: jerry's apartment] 

tv voice: (germanic) look, sigmund. look in the sky. the planets are on fire. it is just as you prophesied. the planets of our solar system, incinerating. like flaming globes, sigmund. like flaming globes.. ah, ha, ha, ha.. 

[setting: jerry's bedroom] 

[setting: coffee shop] 

elaine: what do you got, a cucumber? 

george: yeah, so what? 

elaine: you're bringing in an ouside cucumber? 

george: they refuse to put cucumber in the salad. i need cucumber. 

jerry: (trying to read the note) what have i done? i can't read this! ful-hel-mo-nen-ter-val? i got up last night, i wrote this down, i thought i had this great bit. 

elaine: no. let me see that. (takes the paper from jerry) don't-mess-with-johnny." 

jerry: johnny? johnny who? johnny carson? did i insult johnny on the tonight show? 

elaine: (joking) did you mess with johnny, jerry? 

george: let me see that. (studies the note) 

elaine: hey, where's kramer? 

jerry: i don't know. that's like asking "where's waldo?" 

george: (still holding the note) i think i'm having a heart attack. 

jerry: i don't think that's it. 

george: i'm not kidding. 

jerry: what does that mean? 

elaine: i think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack. 

jerry: oh, he's having a heart attack. 

george: tightness.. 

jerry: c'mon. 

george: shortness of breath.. 

jerry: oh, this is ridiculous. 

george: radiating waves of pain.. 

jerry: i know what this is. you saw that show on pbs last night, coronary country. (to elaine) i saw it in the tv guide. i called him and told him to make sure and not watch it. 

george: there was nothing else on. oh, the left arm.. the left arm. 

jerry: (to elaine) he saw that show on anorexia last year, and ate like an animal for two weeks. 

george: why can't i have a heart attack? i'm allowed. 

jerry: so what do you want? you want me take you to the hospital? 

george: manhattan memorial, less of a line. 

jerry: i'll call an ambulance. (exits) 

waitress: is everything alright? 

george: we'll just take a check. (she leaves the check. george, in all his cheapness, can't help but to review the check. he finds an error) you made a mistake on the.. 

elaine: george! 

[setting: hospital room] 

man: ooohhh... argghhh.. 

george: are.. are you okay? 

man: ooooooohhh.. 

george: i'm george.. george costanza.. i've never been in the hospital a day in my life.. except when i had my tonsils out. you know, they never gave me any ice cream. i always felt that- 

man: shut up! 

jerry: well? what do you think? 

nurse 1: "salami, salami, bologna." definitely. 

jerry: "salami salami bologna"? 

doctor: (in a hurry) oh, your friend's fine. he didn't have a heart attack. i'll be in - in a few minutes. 

jerry: (sarcastic) what a surprise. (enters george's room overly sympathetic - leading george to think that the doctor told jerry something significant) hey, how ya doin' buddy? you need anything? do you want me to go out and get you a superman comic? 

george: no, no thanks. 

jerry: (still going along with the practical joke) you know, i was wondering.. you know that black hawks jacket you have? 

george: oh, sure, my black hawks jacket. i love my black hawks jacket. 

jerry: well, you know, i was thinking - if things don't exactly work out.. 

george: well, it wouldn't fit you. the sleeves are too short. 

jerry: no, i tried it on. it fits good. 

george: well, i didn't really think about what i was gonna do with all.. 

jerry: well, you know.. 

george: (reluctantly) well, okay. 

jerry: oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if i called susan davis? 

george: susan davis? (getting possessive) hey, wait a second.. 

jerry: well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you. 

george: i don't know.. you and susan davis? 

jerry: you know, if your future was a little more certain.. 

george: okay, go ahead. call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. what do i care? i'm finished. (really depressed) it's all over for me. in fact, let's end it right now. jerry, kill me, kill me now. i'm begging you. let's just get it over with. be a pal.. just take the pillow and put it over my face. 

jerry: well, ah.. (takes his pillow) what? kind of like this? (violently smothers george with the pillow. george freaks out. he didn't think jerry would actually do it) 

george: what are ya doing?! whadya, crazy?! 

elaine: jerry! 

jerry: (acts like he was cought red-handed) elaine, what are you doing here? (takes the pillow off george, and puts it back on his bed) 

george: (to jerry) jerk off. 

jerry: (whispering) there's nothing wrong with him. i saw the doctor. he's fine. 

elaine: hi, george. how ya feeling? is anybody getting your apartment? 

george: i'll tell ya, if i ever get out of here, i'm gonna change my life. i'm gonna do a whole zen thing. take up yoga, meditate.. i'll eat right. calm down, lose my anger.. (sees jerry and elaine aren't listening. he snaps) hey, is anybody listening?! 

doctor: (to elaine) uh, hello. (to george) uh, mr. costanza? 

george: (panicky) uh, yeah. you know, doctor, i gotta tell you, i feel a lot better. 

doctor: well, we looked at your ekg's, ran some tests, did a complete work-up. 

george: (getting in a more panicked state) oh god, mommy! 

doctor: and you simply haven't had a heart attack. 

george: (relieved) i haven't? i'm okay? i'm okay? oh, thank you, thank you, doctor! i don't know how to thank you. 

jerry: (sarcastic) hey, that was really fun, george. can we go home now? 

doctor: no, actually, we'd like to keep him here overnight for observation, just to be safe. 

george: oh, sure. sure, anything. can you believe it? there's nothing wrong with me. 

doctor: well, i wouldn't go that far. 

george: (starting to panic again) what? oh my god. what? is it meningitis? scoliosis? lupis?! is it lupis?! 

doctor: have you ever had your tonsils taken out? 

george: my tonsils? yeah, when i was a kid. 

doctor: well, they've grown back. your adenoids are swollen too. 

george: really? 

elaine: (jokingly hits the doctor) whose tonsils grow back? (laughs) 

doctor: it happens. 

jerry: yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays. 

elaine: i still have my tonsils. everyone in my family has their tonsils. in fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils. 

doctor: that's interesting. because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people. 

jerry: (sarcastically) well, it's like the capulets and the montagues. 

george: (drawing attention back to him) excuse me! 

doctor: anyway, i strongly recommend they come out. 

george: what? you mean with a knife? 

doctor: yes. with a knife. you know, snip, snip. anyway, you'd be completely under, you wouldn't feel a thing. and when you wake up, you can have some ice cream. 

george: (angry) yeah, that's what they told me the last time. 

doctor: think about it. (turns to leave, but runs into elaine) excuse me. 

elaine: (flustered) oh, i'm sorry. (doctor exits) i just.. have to ask that doctor one more question. (leaves) 

jerry: women go after doctors like men go after models. they want someone with knowledge of the body.. we just want the body. 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: hey. 

kramer: boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar.. it's like a sizzler's opened up a hospital! (sits and starts eating) so, how did you have a heart attack? you're a young man. what were you doing? are they gonna do a zipper job? oh, they love to do zipper jobs. 

jerry: (trying to shut him up) kramer. 

kramer: the really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. see, you gotta be careful about sex now. you get that heart pumping and suddenly, boom! next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage. 

jerry: kramer, george didn't have a heart attack. 

kramer: no? that's good. 

george: i have to have my tonsils taken out. 

kramer: oh man.. no.. george, we gotta get you outta here. get out! right now! they'll kill ya in here. 

jerry: (trying to calm george down) it's routine surgery. 

kramer: oh yeah? my friend, bob saccomanno, he came in here for a hernia operation.. oh yeah, routine surgery.. now he's sittin' around in a chair by a window going, "my name is bob" .. george, whatever you do, don't let 'em cut you. don't let 'em cut you.. 

george: well, what should i do, kramer? 

jerry: well, for one think, don't listen to him. 

kramer: i'll tell you what to do, i'll tell you what to do. you go to tor eckman. tor, tor, he'll fix you right up. he's a herbalist, a healer, george. he's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function - body and mind. 

jerry: eckman? i thought he was doing time? 

kramer: no, no, he's out. he got out. see, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. it's all politics. but he's a rebel. 

jerry: a rebel? no. johnny yuma was a rebel. eckman is a nut. george, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. with a doctor. 

kramer: he's holistic, george. he's holistic. 

george: holistic.. that sounds right. 

jerry: george, you need a medical doctor. 

george: (to jerry) let me ask you something.. how much do you think it would cost to have tonsils and adenoids removed in the hospital? 

jerry: well, an overnight stay in a hospital? minor surgery? i dunno, four grand. 

george: uh-huh. and how much does the healer charge? 

kramer: first visit? thirty-eight bucks. 

george: oh, yeah? holistic.. that's what i need. that's the answer. 

[setting: healer's apartment] 

george: so, how do you like the way i talked you into comin' down here? 

jerry: don't flatter yourself, my friend. i'm here strictly for material, and i have a feeling this is a potential gold mine.. i still think you're nuts, though. 

george: all i know is i've been going to doctors all my life. what has it gotten me? i'm thirty-three years old. i haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, i'm already facing the problems of old age. i completely skipped healthy adulthood. i went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. you could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. i've never had a normal, medium orgasm. 

jerry: (jokingly making fun of george) i've never had a really good pickle. 

george: besides, what's it gonna cost me? thirty-eight bucks? 

tor: (to jerry) would you not put your foot on that please? 

jerry: sorry. 

tor: what month were you born? 

george: april. 

tor: you should have been born in august. your parents would have been well-advised to wait. 

george: really? 

tor: do you use hot water in the shower? 

george: yes. 

tor: stop using it. 

george: ..okay. 

kramer: i'm off hot water. 

tor: kramer tells me that you are interested in an alternative to surgery. 

george: yes, yes i am. 

tor: (blows into george's face) i think we can help you. see, unfortunately, the medical establishment is a business like any other business. and business needs customers. and, they want to sell you their most expensive item which is unnecessary surgery. 

george: (still on the showers) can i use hot water on my face? 

tor: no. you know, i am not a business man. i'm a holistic healer. it's a calling, it's a gift. you see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. you see, that insures good business. you're not a patient. you're a customer. 

jerry: (he thinks this, the audience can hear his thoughts) and you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life. 

george: (still on the hot water) what about shaving? 

tor: (to jerry) you're eating too much dairy. (to george) may i? (reaches over, and touches george's face) 

george: i guess so. 

tor: (feeling george's face) you see, you are in disharmony. the throat is the gateway to the lung. tonsillitis, adenoiditis, is, in chinese medical terms, and invasion of heat and wind. 

jerry: (again, we hear his thoughts) there's some hot air blowing in here.. 

tor: you know, i lived with the eskimos many years ago, and they used to plunge their faces into the snow. 

george: (once again, still on the shower) could it be lukewarm? 

jerry: too much dairy? you really think i'm eating too much dairy? 

[setting: doctor's car] 

doctor: ..the tongue.. yes, the tongue.. or, in medical terms, the glossa. it's a muscular organ.. consists of two parts.. the body, and the root.. you see, it's covered by this mucous membrane.. these little raised projections are the papillae, which give it that furry appearance. very tactile.. 

elaine: uh-huh. 

[setting: healer's apartment] 

tor: (pouring tea) your tea is ready now. this will solve your so-called tonsil problem. it's a special concoction. it contains crampbark. 

jerry: i love crampbark. 

tor: cleavers. 

jerry: cleaver, i once had cleaver as a kid. i was able to lift a car. 

tor: and some couchgrass. 

jerry: couchgrass and crampbark? you know, i think that's what killed curly. 

kramer: go ahead, drink it, george. 

jerry: excuse me, tor. may i ask you a question? you have intuitive abilities. you're in touch with a lot of this cosmic kind of things.. i have this note i can't read. i was wondering if- 

tor: (takes the note, then laughs when he reads it) oh, yes.. yes.. "cleveland 117, san antonio 109.. (hands note back to jerry) 

kramer: go ahead, drink it, george. 

george: (takes a sip) hey, it's not too bad.. 

[setting: ambulance] 

george: (in a state of hysteria) i'm an eggplant! i'm an eggplant! i'm a minstrel man! 

driver: (to assistant) i didn't take your chuckle, man! 

assistant: i had five chuckles. i ate a green one, and the yellow one, and the red one is missing! 

driver: i don't even like chuckles! 

jerry: (to assistant) maybe he doesn't like them. that's possible. 

george: my face! my face! get me to the hospital! 

assistant: i want that chuckle! you hear me?! 

jerry: (to assistant) i'll get you a chuckle. you want me to get you a chuckle? 

assistant: (angry, to driver) pull over! 

driver: pull over? did you say pull over?! you want a piece of me?! 

assistant: yeah! 

jerry: you're gonna fight? 

george: now?! i'm a mutant! 

kramer: (to driver) hey, let me drive. 

assistant: come on, man. pull over! 

driver: alright! i'm gonna mess you up, man! 

jerry: (pleading) really, gentlemen, please. 

george: my heart! my heart! (to assistant) where you going? are you crazy?! 

assistant: i'm gonna kick his ass. 

kramer: (to assistant) hey, you have keys? 

george: you can't leave! this is an ambulance! this is an emergency! 

jerry: all this for a chuckle. 

kramer: what's a chuckle? 

jerry: it's a jelly candy. it comes in five flavors. 

[setting: doctor's car] 

doctor: you see, taste buds run on grooves along the surfaces. 

elaine: can you let go of my tongue now? 

doctor: what? 

elaine: let go of my tongue! 

doctor: (lets go) oh, sorry. 

elaine: well, i should get going.. (the doctor leans in for a kiss. elaine stops him) what are you doing? 

doctor: i was going to kiss you good night. 

elaine: a kiss? with the tongue? the glossa with the bumps and the papillae? ..yech, i don't think so. (leaves) 

[setting: ambulance] 

jerry: you just can't leave him out there. 

driver: i told him i was gonna mess him up. 

kramer: well, can you call him an ambulance? 

driver: i told him i didn't take his chuckle. i don't eat that gooey crap! 

kramer: hey, watch the road! watch the road, man! 

driver: (turns back, facing kramer) hey, man, you want some of what he got?! 

jerry and kramer: watch out! 

[setting: hospital room] 

jerry: how ya doing? (george nods) can't talk? (george shakes his head. jerry gestures to his brace) hey, how'd you get the plastic one? (george raises his eyebrows) i like that. (george sticks his tongue out) so how's life without tonsils? (george quickly indicates with his arm that he wants ice cream) what? what's that? ..so, how much is this thing gonna cost you now? like, five, six thousand?.. (george signals that it's more) well, live and learn.. at least we lived. kramer went to eckman.. he feels better alreadyy.. (george motions for ice cream again) what are you doing? 

elaine: oh, poor george. oh, i'm sorry, but i can't stay long. i don't want to run into doctor tongue.. here, i brought you something. (takes out a pint of ice cream. george gets excited) oh, please, come on.. it was nothing. 

jerry: hey, check the tv. 

tv voice: (germanic) it's just as you prophesied. the planets of our solar system, incinerating. like flaming globes, sigmond. like flaming globes. ah, ha, ha, ha.. 

jerry: (pulls the note out of his pocket) that's it! that's it! flaming globes of sigmond! flaming globes of sigmond! that's my note! tha'ts what i thought was so funny?! ..that's not funny.. there's nothing funny about that. 

man in neighboring bed: shut up! 

man: aaahhhgggg! 

[setting: night club] 

jerry: i have a friend who's a hypochondriac, always thinks he's sick - never is. and they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, not matter how bad they really are. you know this type of person? very annoying. "feel great.. like being on the respirator.. intravenous heart/lung machine. i never felt better in my life." medical science is making advances every day in control health problems. in fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know, becomes like, a head ache. we'll just see people on tv going, "i had a heart attack this big (holds out hands, gesturing bigness) ..but, i gave myself one of these. clear! (puts imaginary electrode panels to his chest) brrhht.. and it's gone!" 

jerry: what are you doing? all right, all right. what's the matter with that? what about that one? 

elaine: robert vaughn, the helsinki formula? 

jerry: he was good in man from uncle. 

elaine: guess whose birthday's comin' up soon? 

jerry: i know, i'm having my root canal the same week. 

elaine: oh, right. i hope you have a good oral surgeon because that can be very serious. (changes channel) hey, look at naked people. 

jerry: no, i don't wanna see the naked people. 

elaine: been a while? 

jerry: i have a vague recollection of doing something with someone, but it was a long, long time ago. 

elaine: i think my last time was in rochester. my hair was a lot shorter. 

jerry: i remember that it's a good thing. someday, i hope to do it again. (jerry looks at elaine) 

elaine: what? 

jerry: what? 

elaine: what was that look? 

jerry: what look? 

elaine: the look you just gave me. 

jerry: i gave a look? 

elaine: yes. 

jerry: what kind of look? 

elaine: i know that look. 

jerry: then what was it? 

elaine: why should i tell you? 

jerry: well, you're the big look expert. i wanna see how smart you are. 

elaine: trust me. i know the look. (pause) so... 

jerry: what? 

elaine: what about the look? 

jerry: i don't know. 

elaine: you got something on your mind? 

jerry: no. things pop into your head. you? 

elaine: things occur to me from time to time. 

jerry: yeah, me too. well, you can't expect to just forget the past completely. 

elaine: no, of course not. 

jerry: i mean, it was something we did. probably about, what? twenty-five times? 

elaine: thirty-seven. 

jerry: yeah, we pretty much know what we're doin' in there. (points to bedroom) 

elaine: we know the terrain. 

jerry: no big surprises. 

elaine: nope. 

jerry: what do you think? 

elaine: i don't know. what do you think? 

jerry: well, it's something to consider. 

elaine: yeah. 

jerry: i mean, let's say we did. 

elaine: what if. 

jerry: is that like the end of the world or something? 

elaine: certainly not. 

jerry: why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to? 

elaine: i know. 

jerry: i mean, really, what is the big deal? we go in there. (points to the bedroom) we're in there for a while. we come right back out here. it's not complicated. 

elaine: it's almost stupid if we didn't. 

jerry: it's moronic. 

elaine: absurd! 

jerry: of course, i guess, maybe, some little problems could arise. 

elaine: we, there are always a few. 

jerry: i mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad. 

elaine: devastating. 

jerry: because this is very good. (points back and forth between them to indicate friendship) 

elaine: and that would be good. (points to bedroom) 

jerry: that would be good too. the idea is combine the this and the that. but this cannot be disturbed. 

elaine: yeah, we just wanna take this and add that. 

jerry: but of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. maybe some rules or something. 

elaine: huh. 

jerry: for example, now, i call you whenever i'm inclined and vice versa. 

elaine: right. 

jerry: but if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call. 

elaine: well why should that be? oh, i have an idea. i have an idea. no call the day after that. 

jerry: beautiful. let's make it a rule. 

elaine: all right, sir. 

jerry: now here's another little rule. 

elaine: yeah. 

jerry: when we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. but sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. when that is not really sleep. sleep is separate from that. and i don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that. 

elaine: okay, okay. rule number two. spending the night is optional! 

jerry: well now we're gettin' somewhere. 

elaine: what about the kiss goodnight? 

jerry: tough one. you're call. 

elaine: it's brug-wa (?). 

jerry: fine. well. 

elaine: well. 

jerry: you ready? 

elaine: ready. 

jerry: so think you can handle this? 

elaine: definitely. (runs into bookshelf) 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: hey. 

kramer: got the paper? 

jerry: not yet. 

kramer: no paper? 

jerry: i haven't been out yet. 

kramer: well, what's taking you so long? (elaine enters from the bedroom. kramer is a little shocked) uh? oh, well, yeah... (he exits) 

george: what's the deal with aquaman? could he go on land, or was he just restricted to water? 

jerry: no, i think i saw him on land a couple times. so how's the job situation goin'? 

george: still lookin'. it's pretty bad out there. what about you? 

jerry: nothin' much. i slept with elaine last night. 

george: oxygen! i need some oxygen! this is major. 

jerry: i thought you'd like that. 

george: oh, this is huge! 

jerry: i know. 

george: all right, okay. let's go, details. 

jerry: no, i can't do details. 

george: you wha? 

jerry: i can't give details. 

george: no details? 

jerry: i'm not in the mood. 

george: you ask me here to have lunch, tell me you slept with elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. now you listen to me. i want details and i want them right now. i don't have a job, i have no place to go. you're not in the mood? well you get in the mood! 

jerry: all right, okay. we're in the apartment watching tv. 

george: where are you sitting? 

jerry: on the couch. 

george: next to each other? 

jerry: no, separated. 

george: time? 

jerry: around eleven. 

george: okay, go ahead. 

jerry: so she's flipping around the tv, and she gets to the naked station. 

george: oh, see? that's why i don't have cable in my house. because of that naked station. if i had that in my house, i would never turn it off. i wouldn't sleep, i wouldn't eat. eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face. all right, all right. so you're watching the naked station. 

jerry: and then, somehow, we started talking about, what if we had sex. 

george: boy, these are really bad details. 

jerry: it pains me to say this, but i may be getting to mature for details. 

george: oh i hate to hear this. that kind of growth really irritates me. 

jerry: well. i'll tell you though. it was really passionate. 

george: better than before? 

jerry: she must've taken some kind of seminar or something. 

george: this is all too much. so what are you feeling? what's going on? are you like a couple again now? 

jerry: not exactly. 

george: not exactly. what does that mean? 

jerry: well, we've tried to arrange a situation where we'll be able to do this once in a while and still be friends. (george laughs hysterically and stands out of his seat) 

george: where are you living? are you here? are you on this planet? it's impossible. it can't be done. 

jerry: i think we've worked out a system. 

george: oh, you know what you're like? you're like a pathetic gambler. you're one of those losers in las vegas who keeps thinking he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack. 

jerry: no, this is very advanced. we've designed at set of rules that we can maintain the friendship by avoiding all of the relationship pitfalls. 

george: sure, all right. tell me the rules. 

jerry: okay. no calls the next day. 

george: (to himself) so you're havin' the sex, next day you don't have to call. that's pretty good. (back to jerry) go ahead. 

jerry: you ready for the second one? 

george: i have tell you, i'm pretty impressed with the first one. 

jerry: spending the night. optional. 

george: no, you see? you got greedy. 

jerry: no, that's the rule. it's optional. 

george: i know less about women than anyone in the world. but one thing i do know is they're not happy if you don't spend the night. it could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning and all they have is a little army cot this wide (displays with french fry) you're not going anywhere. 

jerry: i think you're wrong. 

george: i hope i am. 

jerry: is this yours or the roommate's? 

elaine: the roommate's. 

jerry: would she mind? 

elaine: she keeps track of everything. 

jerry: well, that's too bad, 'cause i'm takin' it. 

elaine: thanks. 

jerry: well, guess i'll get going. 

elaine: oh. 

jerry: well, i got that root canal tomorrow morning. it'll be easier if i go home. 

elaine: fine, go away. 

jerry: i don't understand. is there a problem? (elaine is pulling a roll of paper towels about twenty feet long) i'm getting the impression there's a problem. 

elaine: just go. 

jerry: i'm having surgery tomorrow. 

elaine: oh, surgery. you're going to the dentist. 

jerry: but you said, it can be very serious. 

elaine: okay, so fine. go. 

jerry: what happened to the rules? remember? sleeping over was optional. 

elaine: yeah, it's my house, it's my option. 

jerry: it has nothing to do with whose house it is. 

elaine: oh, of course it does. (elaine's roommate, tina, enters) 

tina: hi. 

elaine + jerry: hi. 

tina: hi, jerry. 

jerry: hi. 

tina: such a great improv class tonight. 

elaine: oh really? 

tina: i had this improv where i pretended i was working in one of those booths. you know, in the amusement park, where you have to shoot the water in the clown's mouth and you have to blow up the balloon. 

elaine: uh, tina? could you excuse us for just one second? 

tina: oh, yeah. i'll excuse you. (she walks away) 

elaine: what are you doing? 

jerry: i can't go if you're mad. 

elaine: i'm not mad. 

jerry: you seemed a little mad. 

elaine: no, no. jerry, i'm fine really. it's okay. 

jerry: so you're okay with everything? 

elaine: definitely. are you? 

jerry: definitely. well, goodnight. 

elaine: goodn-- (he starts to kiss her) what're you doing? 

jerry: what? 

elaine: rules. 

tina: hey, who took my cake? (jerry exits quickly) 

george: what about jewelry? that's very nice gift. 

jerry: no, no. i have to be very careful here. i don't want to send the wrong message. especially after the other night. 

george: maybe i'll get her some jewelry. 

jerry: no, no. you can't get her anything better than me. whatever i spend, you have to spend half. 

george: what am i supposed to get, a bazooka? 

jerry: you don't understand. i'm in a very delicate position. whatever i give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it. 

george: what does she need? maybe there's something that she needs. 

jerry: i think i heard her say something about a bench. 

george: a bench? what kind of a bench? 

jerry: i don't know, but she mentioned a bench. 

george: what, like at a bus stop? 

jerry: i don't know. 

george: like a park bench? 

jerry: i have no idea. 

george: who puts a bench in their house? 

jerry: forget the bench. 

george: i got it. you wanna get her something nice? how 'bout a music box? 

jerry: no, too relationshippy. she opens it up, she hears that laura's theme, i'm dead. 

george: okay, what about a nice frame? with a picture of another guy in it. frame says i care for you, but if you wanna get serious, perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this. 

jerry: nice looking fellow. 

george: what about candle holders? 

jerry: too romantic. 

george: lingerie? 

jerry: too sexual. 

george: waffle maker. 

jerry: too domestic. 

george: bust of nelson rockefeller. 

jerry: too gubernatorial. (?) 

george: let's work on the card. 

jerry: maybe you won't like it. 

elaine: oh, how could i not like it? of course i'll like it. 

jerry: you could not like it. 

elaine: just the fact that you remembered means everything. 

jerry: of course i remembered. you reminded me everyday for two months. oh, the card. (she opens) 

elaine: cash? 

jerry: would do you think? 

elaine: you got me cash? 

jerry: well this way i figure you can go out and get yourself whatever you want. no good? 

elaine: who are you, my uncle? 

jerry: well come on. that's $182 right there. i don't think that's anything to sneeze at. 

elaine: let me see the card. (reading) to a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more? (kramer enters) 

kramer: hey. oh, elaine. i'm glad you're here. stay right there. i'm gonna be right back. (he exits) 

elaine: pal? you think i'm your pal? 

jerry: i said, "and more." 

elaine: i am not your pal. 

jerry: what's wrong with pal? why is everyone so down on pal? (kramer enters with present) 

elaine: oh, what is this? you got me something? 

kramer: yeah. open it. 

elaine: oh kramer... (she opens it) the bench! you got me the bench that i wanted! (jerry looks irritated) 

kramer: that's pretty good, huh? 

jerry: great. 

kramer: remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? i made a mental note of it. 

jerry: well goody for you. 

kramer: oh yeah, i'm very sensitive about that. i mean, when someone's birthday comes up, i keep my ears open. so what'd you get her? 

jerry: 182 bucks. 

kramer: cash? you gotta be kidding. what kind of gift is that? that's like something her uncle would get her. 

elaine: (reading card) think where man's glory most begins and ends and say my glory was i had such a friend. 

kramer: (to jerry) yates. 

elaine: oh kramer. (they embrace) 

jerry: could you excuse us please? 

kramer: what? 

jerry: we're talking. 

kramer: oh, the relationship. (he leaves) 

jerry: you know, we never had one fight before this deal. 

elaine: i know. 

jerry: never. 

elaine: ever. 

jerry: we got along beautifully. 

elaine: like clams. 

jerry: it was wonderful. 

elaine: a pleasure. 

jerry: so i think we should just forget the whole deal, and go back to being friends. 

elaine: i can't do it. 

jerry: you what? 

elaine: i can't do that. 

jerry: you mean it's... (she nods) no this. no that. no this or that. oh, boy. hmmm. what do you want? 

elaine: this, that, and the other. 

jerry: oh, sure. of course, you're entitled. who doesn't want this, that, and the other? 

elaine: you. 

jerry: (starts to correct then realizes) well... 

george: those birthdays. i told you. they're relationship killers. if a relationship is having any problems whatsoever, a birthday will always bring it out. 

jerry: i never should have made up those rules. 

george: what is it about sex that just disrupts everything? is it the touching? is it the nudity? 

jerry: it can't be the nudity. i never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when i was changing before gym class. 

george: you know what this means? i can't see her anymore either. 

jerry: why? 

george: it's break up by association. besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present. 

jerry: what did you end up giving her? 

george: 91 dollars. 

jerry: sorry about that. 

george: so what're you gonna do? 

jerry: well, if i call her, there's no joking around anymore. this is pretty much it. 

george: so, maybe this should be it. 

jerry: could be it. 

george: she seems like an it. 

jerry: she's at it as you get. imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. and she tells me he's a sculptor, they live in vermont... 

george: we'd have to kill him. 

jerry: we'd get caught, i'd get the chair. 

george: i'd go to prison as your accomplice. i'd have to wear that really heavy denim. go to the cafeteria line with the guy who slops those mashed potatoes onto your plate. go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people. 

jerry: plus, you know what else. 

george: you better call her. 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: hey. 

kramer: you got the paper yet? 

jerry: yeah. 

kramer: well where is it? (elaine enters from bedroom with newspaper) hey, you done with that? 

elaine: no. 

kramer: well, you're not reading it now. 

elaine: all right, you can take it. but i want it back. 

kramer: oh yeah. so, ah, what're you guys gonna do today? 

elaine: ah, this. and that. 

jerry: and the other. 

kramer: boy, i really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. (he exits) 

[setting: night club] 

jerry: men flip around the television more than women, i think. men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're watching. you know, we just keep going, "rerun, don't wanna watch it.. " "what are you watching?" "i don't care, i gotta keep going." "who was that?" "i don't know what it was - doesn't matter, it's not your fault. it doesn't matter, i gotta keep going." women don't do this. see now, women will stop and go, "well, let me see what the show is before i change the channel." you see? men just fly. because women, you see, women nest and men hunt. that's why we watch tv differently. before there was flipping around, before there was television, kings and emperors and pharaohs and such had story-tellers that would tell them stories 'cause that was their entertainment. i always wonder, in that era, if they would get, like, thirty story-tellers together so they could still flip around. just go, "alright start telling me a story, what's happening? i don't want to hear anymore. shut up. go to the next guy. what are you talking about? is there a girl in that story? ..no? shut up. go to the next guy. what do you got? i don't want to hear that either. shut up. no, go ahead, what are you talking about?.. i don't want to hear that. no, the all of you, get out of here. i'm going to bed." 

[setting: coffee shop] 

george: (shocked) she's pregnant? leslie is pregnant?! oh, see, there is no justice. 

jerry: she's the performance artist, right? 

george: (sarcastic) yeah, performance artist. she's a real performer. a real trooper. 

jerry: what's her husband's name, again? chip? kip? skip? 

elaine: todd. 

jerry: todd. oh yeah. (to george) he's a kennedy. 

elaine: no, he's not. 

jerry: c'mon. he's a third cousin, or something. 

elaine: by marriage. 

jerry: oh, by marriage. (to george) we went to their wedding. you should have heard him talking about chappaquiddick - trying to blame the whole thing on bad directions. 

george: that woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life. 

elaine: oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman. 

george: what, you don't think i can attract beautiful, intelligent women? 

jerry: thin ice, george. thin ice.. 

george: (sarcastic) maybe for her new performance piece she'll give birth on stage. 

elaine: she stopped performing. 

george: (again, sarcastic) oh, what a huge blow to the culture. 

jerry: (gesturing to george) you believe this guy? he holds a grudge like khomeini. 

george: she dragged me down to that warehouse on the waterfront in brooklin to see one of her "performances". 

jerry: oh, and she cooks dinner onstage for some celebrity? 

george: god! she's cooking dinner for god! she's yelling and screaming, and the next thing i know, she throws a big can of chocolate syrup all over my new red shirt. 

elaine: it was an accident! 

george: oh, yeah, sure, accident, right. she was aiming right at me like she was putting out a fire! then, for the rest of the show, i'm sitting there with chocolate all over my shirt. flies are landing on me. i'm boiling - i'm fantasizing all the things i'm gonna say when i see her. and later, finally, backstage when i talk to her, i'm a groveling worm. "what kind of chocolate was that? do you throw any other foods?" 

jerry: (to elaine) he thought he still had a shot. 

george: and then, then, then she leaves with somebody else! never even, never even said goodbye! never called me back.. never apologized. nothing. like i was dirt. 

jerry: what ever happened with the shirt? 

george: i still have it. the collar's okay. i wear it under sweaters. 

elaine: i don't know what i'm gonna do. she asked me to give her a baby shower. 

jerry: asked you? you're not going to do that are you? 

elaine: anyone else, never. but, leslie - i have a problem saying no to. for some reason, i seem to want her approval. 

george: let maria shriver give her a baby shower. 

jerry: ask not what i can do for you - ask what you can do for me. 

george: (germanic) ich bin ein sucker. 

elaine: oh, would you two stop with the kennedys? why does everybody make such a big deal about he kennedys? what is this fascination?! who cares?! it's all so boring.. 

george: she doesn't deserve a baby shower. she deserves a baby monsoon. she deserves rosemary's baby! 

elaine: (to jerry) i do have one teeny little problem, though. 

george: never said goodbye. never apologized. nothing. 

elaine: see, i was gonna give the shower in my apartment.. 

jerry: but? 

elaine: my roommate has lyme disease. 

jerry: lyme disease? i thought she had epstein-barr syndrome? 

elaine: she has this in addition to epstein-barr. it's like epstein-barr with a twist of lyme disease. 

jerry: how did she get lyme disease? 

elaine: i don't know. she did some outdoor version of hair in danbury, connecticut. 

jerry: they still do that play? 

elaine: it's a classic. 

jerry: with all the nudity? 

elaine: i guess. she must've rolled over on a tick during the love-in. 

george: (still mad a leslie) never said goodbye. goodbye! 

jerry: explain to me how this baby shower thing works. 

elaine: what do you wanna know? 

jerry: well, i mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence? 

elaine: rarely. 

jerry: there's no hazing of the fetus, or anything, is there? 

elaine: no. 

jerry: when is this suppose to be? 

elaine: saturday. 

jerry: saturday?.. well, i have a show in buffalo on saturday. they're not gonna bust up my apartment, or anything, are they? 

elaine: i'll take full responsibility. you won't regret it. 

jerry: 'cause i've seen these pregnant women - and they sometimes misjudge their fetal girth. just like one wrong turn, and boom! and entire buffet is swept off the table. 

george: someday, before i die, mark my words - i'm gonna tell that woman exactly what i think of her. i'll never be able to forgive myself until i do. 

jerry: and if you do? 

george: i still won't be able to forgive myself - but at least it won't be about this. 

[setting: jerry's apartment] 

kramer: what are you doing this for? look at you.. 

jerry: quiet. i'm trying to get a picture. 

kramer: but you don't have to do this! this guy is waiting in my house. 

jerry: (pleading) leave me alone. 

kramer: it's a one-time fee. a hundred and fifty bucks. why live like this?! 

jerry: i'm not getting illegal cable! 

kramer: oh, so what are you gonna do? you gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? they're gonna be in court for years. 

jerry: no, i read in the paper.. 

kramer: (sarcastic) oh, oh, the paper.. 

jerry: well, they might hook us up again. 

kramer: oh, god, you're so naive! all the cable companies care about is the "big mammoo." (jerry wacks the tv) oh, look at you! you're banging things.. pathetic. just wasting your life. i'm offering you fifty-six channels - movies, sports, nudity. and it's free! for life! 

jerry: stop shouting! you're ruining the reception. 

kramer: can you hear yourself? can, can, do you know what you're saying?! 

jerry: what you're suggesting is illegal. 

kramer: it's not illegal. 

jerry: it's against the law. 

kramer: well, yeah. 

jerry: (gesturing to the rabbit ears) just, just, hold this. can you hold that? 

kramer: (holding the rabbit ears) look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? he's an amazing man. he's a russian immigrant. he escaped the gulag. he's like the sakharov of cable guys.. he'll slow down your gas meter. he sells slugs, jerry. slugs for the subway. 

jerry: a real human rights nut, huh? 

kramer: yeah. he's intense, man. 

jerry: i don't know. what if i get caught? 

kramer: oh, you're not gonna get caught. look, let me get him. man, it's the nineties, it's hammer time! come on, just let me get him. 

jerry: you know, why don't we wait? because, i'm going out of town tomarrow. 

tabachnick: tomarrow okay. 

kramer: no problem. yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back. 

jerry: (mutters to himself) every time i turn on the tv, sirens are gonna go off. they're gonna track me down like a dog, i know it.. 

kramer: no, no, now look now, jerry, jerry, it's no risk. i swear. the mets have seventy-five games on cable this year.. 

jerry: (pauses, thinking about what kramer just said) put it in. 

kramer: you won't regret it. (jerry mutters some more, kramer rubs his hands together in anticipation, then starts dancing around with a reluctant jerry) jerry's gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy.. 

[setting: jerry's apartment] 

man: mr. steinfeld? 

jerry: seinfeld. 

man: we're with the fbi. you wanna tell us about your cable hook-up? 

jerry: my cable hook-up? what about it? 

man: it's been illegally installed, mr. steinfeld. 

jerry: it has? i've been out of town. how did you know? 

kramer: jerry, i had to tell them. i had to. i had no choice. they were onto the scam from the very beginning. 

man: you're in serious trouble, mr. steinfeld. 

jerry: wait a minute. wait a minute, hold on! we're just patsies. we're just a couple of users.. we never sold the stuff. what about the russian guy? the russian guy is the guy you want. 

tabachnick: mr. seinfeld, agent stone. fbi. undercover. 

kramer: no! jerry! (the fbi agents open fire. jerry's gunned down by a hailstorm of bullets. kramer leans next to a fallen jerry, cupping jerry's head in his hands) cable boy, cable boy.. what have you done to my little cable boy?.. 

[setting: airplane] 

jerry: excuse me. can i get something to drink? 

stewardess: i'm afraid not. 

jerry: what's with this airline? what are you, cutting out the drinks now? 

stewardess: no sir. we're flying into a blizzard. please fasten your seat belt. we're making an emergency landing. 

jerry: (sarcastic) are they gonna go over the instructions again? 

bill: my name is bill. i might be the last person you ever see. 

[setting: night club] 

jerry: i'm not afraid of flying, although many people do have fear of flying and, i have no arguement with that. i think fear of flying is quite rational because, human beings cannot fly. humans have fear of flying same way fish have fear of driving. put a fish behind the wheel, and they go, "this isn't right. i shouldn't be doing this. i don't belong here." 

[setting: george's car] 

george: sounds like a rough trip. 

jerry: oh, fire engines, ambulances all along the runway. and then, when we landed safely, they all seemed so disappointed. 

george: so, the college cancelled the gig? 

jerry: well, there was so much snow. the roads were closed. i really appreciate it - you picking me up. thanks again. 

george: (modestly) forget it. 

jerry: no, really.. an airport run. 

george: it's nothing. 

jerry: hey, it's one thing if i asked you "could you do me a favor?" ..but to suggest it?.. george (obviously up to something. jerry doesn't suspect anything - yet) whey you told me what you went through on the plane, it makes you stop and think. you appreciate having a real friend. 

jerry: (joking) you know, if richie brandes did this, i'd be suspicious, you know. he's always got some ulterior motive. 

george: (laughs nervously) ..ulterior motive. 

jerry: oh, wait a minute. wait a minute. don't take the bridge.. get off here. we can't go back to my place, elaine's having the shower. 

george: (obviously knows that, but pretends he doesn't) what, tonight? now? 

jerry: yeah, yeah. i forgot all about it. alright, it's no big deal. we'll just go back to your place. 

george: my place? no, no, no. i hate my place. i don't wanna go back to my place. 

jerry: you want to get a bite? 

george: yeah, i would. it's just, you know, i just ate a whole pot roast. 

jerry: well, so what should we do? 

george: shouldn't we at least drop off your bag? 

jerry: red shirt! red shirt! that's the red shirt! 

george: (nervous) what are you talking about? 

jerry: you're wearing the chocolate shirt! 

george: i am? what a strange coincidence.. 

jerry: a - ha! nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning.. 

george: (pleading) you gotta let me go over there. 

jerry: what are you gonna do? badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! what are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda? 

george: no, i'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale bosco that i had to live with for three years, and i'm gonna say, "remember this shirt, baby?! well, now, it's payback time!" 

[setting: jerry's apartment] 

leslie: we just bought an apartment on riverside drive. bernard goetz's mother used to live there. 

elaine: so, where's todd? 

leslie: up in hyannisport. 

elaine: oh my god, hyannisport? with the kennedys? who else is up there? is rose up there?! 

woman: (to leslie) so, when's your due date? 

leslie: march twentieth, nine a.m. 

woman: you know the time! 

leslie: i'm having a planned c-section. my therapist told me if i go through labor, i might get psychotic. 

elaine: leslie, leslie, whatever happened to sargent shriver? is he still with them? you don't hear much about him these days. is he out of the loop? 

leslie: (takes a bite of food) elaine, who catered this, sears? 

elaine: (whispering to kramer) what is this?! what are you doing here? 

kramer: we're putting in cable. 

elaine: the cable? no, no, no. i'm having a party here. you can't do this now! 

kramer: oh, we have to do this now. 

elaine: who's this guy? 

kramer: which one? 

elaine: both of the them. 

kramer: oh, they're soviet cable guys. 

elaine: okay.. does jerry know about this? 

kramer: oh yeah.. it's all authorized, yeah. 

elaine: you can't! you can't do this now! 

kramer: elaine, do you know how booked up this guy is? now, if i send him away now, it's gonna take jerry months to get him back.. he won't like that. 

elaine: alright. just do it fast and then get out. 

kramer: (snaps his fingers) anatoly! (the russians get to work on command. to elaine) look, it's gonna take a few minutes.. then, you and the gals can take a load off and watch something on lifetime. 

[setting: george's car] 

jerry: and what if we go up there? what are you going to say to her? 

george: (boiling) what am i going to say?! 

jerry: yeah. 

george: what did you go out with me for?! just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether?! i don't deserve that kind of treatment! what, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls?! to apologize! you think i'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored?! who's shirt can be ruined without financial restitution?! some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? you think you can avoid me like i have some sort of disease?! you have the disease! you have the disease! you may be beautiful and rich and physically .. just .. unbelievable, but you sicken me! you disgust me! you and everyone like you! 

jerry: you'll never say that to her face. 

george: watch me. 

[setting: jerry's apartment] 

kramer: (flirting with a female guest) yeah, i eat the whole apple. the core, stem, seeds, everything. 

elaine: (to kramer) kramer, kramer, look at him. (gestures to tabachnick) look! he's eating all the food! 

kramer: yeah, yeah. well, you know, there are many differences between american and soviet cultures that you're not aware of. see, in russian, the cable guy, they got the whole run of the house. yeah, that's tradition. (turns back to the woman) did you ever eat the bark of a pineapple? 

elaine: kramer! 

kramer: (trying to break up the fight) uh.. excuse me.. 

elaine: what are you doing here? i thought you were out of town for the weekend. 

jerry: the show was cancelled. there was a blizzard. 

elaine: i can't believe you told kramer it's okay to put the cable in during the shower! jerry, look,, look! they've eaten everything. 

leslie: jerry, what a surprise! i thought you sere out of town. 

jerry: well, leslie, sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason. 

elaine: (speaking confidentially to george) george, don't even think about it! don't even dream about it! 

george: (unconvincingly coy) about what? 

tabachnick: (sticks his head out the door) kramer, kramer, kramer.. 

george: leslie. 

leslie: yeah? 

george: george.. (she doesn't seem to recognize him) george costanza. 

leslie: hi. 

george: (laughs) you, i guess, you don't remember me.. but we actually, kind of um.. went out.. a couple of years ago.. once.. remember? 

leslie: vaguely. 

george: you took me to one of your shows.. 

leslie: and? 

george: and, um, it was quite good. in fact, you even incorporated me into the show. i'm not actually a performer. although, my parents felt i had talent.. 

mary: jerry?! (a woman, angry at jerry, approaches him. jerry looks confused) remember me? 

jerry: i'm sorry, i.. 

mary: (livid) mary contardi. no? doesn't ring a bell, jerry? we had a date, three years ago. you took me to one of your shows. 

jerry: (stammering) oh, i, i, think i remember.. 

mary: told me you had a great time! said you'd call me the next day. 

jerry: well, i'm sure i meant to call.. i probably just lost your.. 

mary: liar! liar! you were never going to call me! you thought you could waltz throught the rest of your life and never bump into me again! but you were wrong, jerry! you were wrong! what do you think, i'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?! 

jerry: no, i don't think that.. 

marry: some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! some insignificant piece of dust?! some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?! you're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention! you're the insignificant piece of dust! 

george: actually, i never had any formal training. i guess i'd be better suited for improvs, or something.. 

leslie: thanks a lot! 

elaine: i'm sorry you have to go. 

woman: yeah. i really have to be going. 

jerry: alright, listen, i've changed my mind about this whole thing. i don't want cable. 

kramer: don't be a fool. 

tabachnick: you don't want? 

jerry: no, i don't want. so, just tell me what i owe you for your trouble.. 

tabachnick: (confers with his assistant, then) four hundred dollars. 

jerry: (to kramer) four hundred dollars?1 you told me one-fifty! 

leslie: i'm going.. obviously. 

elaine: oh, leslie, i am so sorry about everything that went on here tonight. you know, i had no idea.. 

leslie: elaine, you know, i was watching you tonight, and i realized something. you're just like you were in college. 

elaine: (not sure if it was an insult or a compliment) oh, thank you. (leslie leaves. then elaine wonders to herself) "like you were in college"? 

leslie: (comes back, and yells in the direction of the bedroom) come on! let's go! 

george: (sheepishly to elaine) i'll be right back. (leaves) 

jerry: (defiantly) i'm not paying four hundred dollars! i don't even want the thing. what are you going to do?! 

[setting: jerry's apartment] 

george: every woman on the face of the earth has complete control of my life. and yet, i want them all.. is that irony? 

elaine: why can't i meet a kennedy? ..i saw john junior once downtown. i was on a bus. i hit the ding, but.. it didn't stop. 

jerry: alright, i said i had a good time and i'd call, but who takes that literally? 

kramer: (pops his head into jerry's apartment) hey, come on over, dr. zhivago's on cable in five minutes.. i'm making popcorn! (leaves) 

[setting: night club] 

jerry: what do you do at the end of a date when you know you don't want to see this person ever again, for the rest of your life? what do you say? what do you say? no matter what you say, it's a lie. "i'll see you around. see you around. if you're around, and i'm around, i'll see you around that area. you'll be around other people. you won't be around me. but you will be around." "take care now." did you ever say that to somebody? "take care now. take care, now. because, i'm not going to be taking care of you. so, you should take care, now." "take care. take care." what does this mean? "take off!" isn't that what you really want to say? "take off now." 

jerry: (a couple of days ago i used a public phone), go over time on the call, hang up the phone, walk away. you've had this happen? phone rings. it's the phone company... they want more money. don't you love this? and you got them right where you want them for the first time in your life. you're on the street, there's nothing they can do. i like to let it ring a few times, you know, let her sweat a little over there, then i just pick it up, "yeah, operator... oh, i got the money... i got the money right here... d'you hear that? (taps on microphone) that's a quarter. yeah, you want that don't you?" 

elaine: no, they've just got to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as that. 

george: cops. i don't even care about cops. i wanna see more garbage men. it's much more important. all i wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. you're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean. 

jerry: i tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs, make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. i always see cops walking around with nothing to do. grab a broom! start sweeping. you sweep sweep sweep... catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping. 

elaine: you should run for mayor. 

jerry: ehh, nobody listens. 

elaine: where is someone? i'm starving. 

george: i think this is him right here. 

elaine: is there a table ready? 

restaurant manager (bruce): how many? 

elaine (to jerry): how many? 

jerry (to george): is tatiana coming? 

george: i don't know, i have to call her, tell her where we are. i'm very lucky she's even considering seeing me at all. 

jerry: really? i thought things were going ok. 

george: they were, it's kinda complicated. 

jerry: well what is it? 

elaine: how many? 

jerry: ah, alright, four. seinfeld. 

bruce: four. it'll be five, ten minutes. 

george: what do you wanna do? 

elaine: let's go someplace else, i am too hungry. 

jerry: we might as well just stay here, we haven't got that much time if we wanna make it to the movie. 

george: i gotta call tatiana. where's the phone? 

jerry (to elaine): tatiana... 

george: excuse me, are you gonna be very long? 

bruce: lashbrook, 4! 

jerry: so did i do a terrible thing? 

elaine: you mean lying to your uncle? 

jerry: i couldn't have dinner with him. 'plan 9 from outer space', one night only, the big screen. my hands are tied! 

george (to jerry): you know it's a public phone, you're not supposed to just chit-chat. 

elaine: jerry, get menus so when we sit down we can order right away. 

jerry: can't look at a menu now, i gotta be at the table. 

george: he knows i'm waiting. he sees me. he just doesn't wanna look. 

elaine: everything's gotta be just so with you, doesn't it? 

jerry: hey, i offered you those cookies in my house. 

elaine: health cookies. i hate those little dustboard fructose things. 

george: i just can't believe at the way people are. what is it with humanity? what kind of a world do we live in? 

elaine: what? 

jerry: there's a woman over there that looks really familiar. dark hair, striped shirt? 

elaine: i've never seen her before. 

jerry: i know this woman. this is gonna drive me crazy. 

man: oh, excuse me. 

elaine: i'm sorry. 

elaine: didja see that? those people, look, they're getting a table. 

jerry: well maybe they were here from before. 

elaine: no no no, they weren't here before. 

george (to guy): excuse me, are you going to be much longer? i have to make a very important call. 

elaine: find out what's going on! 

jerry: excuse me, didn't those people just come in? i believe we were ahead of them. 

elaine: yeah. 

bruce: what's your name? 

jerry: seinfeld. 

bruce: no, no, they were here before. keckitch(sp?), 2! 

elaine: did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? they think they're so special because they've been chosen. it's enough to make you sick. 

jerry: boy, you are really hungry. 

george (whistles to guy on phone): hey! 

george: if anything happens here, can i count on you? 

jerry: what? 

george: if we decide to go at it. 

jerry: yeah, i wanna get into a rumble... 

george: i have to get in touch with tatiana! and look at his little outfit. it's all so coordinated, the way his socks matching to his shirt. i really hate this guy. 

elaine: i'm gonna faint... 

jerry: george, who is that woman in the stripes? 

george: i don't know her. 

jerry: she looks so familiar. 

elaine: ya know, its not fair people are seated first come first served, it should be based on who's hungriest. i feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate. 

jerry: i'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it. 

elaine: what do you mean? 

jerry: you walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- i give you 50 bucks. 

george: what are they gonna do? 

jerry: they won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives. 

elaine: 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks? 

jerry: 50 bucks. that table over there, the three couples. 

elaine: ok, i don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like i didn't put mustard on it or something... 

jerry: no, no tricks. 

elaine: should i do it, george? 

george: for 50 bucks? i'd put my face in the soup and blow. 

elaine: alright, alright. here, hold this. i'm doin' it. 

elaine (through her teeth): i know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are standing behind me are going to give me 50 bucks if i stand here and eat one of your eggrolls. 

elaine (through teeth): i'll give you 25 if you let me do it. 

people at table: what? what is she talking about? what did she say? 

jerry: what happened? 

elaine: did you see that? 

george: what were you doing? 

elaine (laughing): i offered them 25, they had no idea... 

jerry: george, the phone's free. 

george: alleluia. 

george: excuse me, i was waiting here. 

woman at phone: where? i didn't see you. 

george: i've been standing here for the last ten minutes! 

woman: well i won't be long. 

george: that's not the point. the point is i was here first. 

woman: well if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone. 

george (yelling at her): you know, we're living in a society! we're supposed to act in a civilized way. 

george: does she care? no. does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? no. no. a resounding no! 

guy: hey, sorry i took so long. 

george: oh that's ok, really, don't worry about it. 

elaine: how do people fast? did ghandi get this crazy? i'm gonna walk around, see what dishes look good. 

jerry: i told my uncle i had a stomach ache tonight. you think he bought that? 

george: yeah, well, he probably bought it. 

jerry: so what happened with tatiana? 

george: i shouldn't even tell you this. 

jerry: come on... 

george: well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment. 

jerry: i'm with you. 

george: well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. it's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. you understand? there's no... buffer zone. so, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. and i begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. so i know i'm gonna have to stop. and as this is happening i'm thinking, even if i can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, i know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that i know i'm going to need... 

jerry: this could only happen to you. 

george: so i finally stop and say, "tatiana, i hope you don't take this the wrong way, but i think it would be best if i left". 

jerry: you said this to her after. 

george: no. during. 

jerry: oh, boy. 

george: yeah. 

jerry: wow! so...? 

george: so i'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. i don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, i don't have the time to say it. the only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if i told her i am in reality batman, and i'm very sorry, i just saw the bat-signal. it took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's 

elaine: i hate this place. i don't know why we came here, i'm never coming back here again. 

jerry (still trying to remember): who is that woman?! 

elaine: remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? and now i just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough. 

george: she's off. (goes over to the now available public phone) 

elaine: jerry, talk to that guy again. 

jerry: what am i gonna say? 

elaine: tell him we wanna catch a movie and that we're late. 

mr. cohen: hey, what stinks in here? 

bruce (laughing): mr. cohen! haven't seen you for a couple of weeks. 

mr. cohen: well, i've been looking for a better place. 

bruce: better place... want a table? 

mr. cohen: no, just bring me a plate and i'll eat here. 

bruce (laughing): give him a plate and you eat here... come on, i give you a table. 

jerry: excuse me... we've been waiting here. now, i know we were ahead of that guy, he just came in. 

bruce: oh no, mr. cohen always here. 

elaine: he's always here? what does that mean? what does that mean? 

bruce: oh, mr. cohen, very nice man. he live on park avenue. 

elaine: where am i? is this a dream? what in god's name is going on here?! 

george: she's not there. she left. she must've waited and left because those people wouldn't get off the phone. 

jerry: didja leave a message? 

george: yeah, i told her to call me here and to tell anyone who answers the phone to ask for a balding, stocky man with glasses. i better tell him i'm expecting a call. 

elaine: oh, jerry, here comes that woman... 

jerry: where do i know her? 

lorraine: hello, jerry! 

jerry: heeeeyyyy... how you doin'? 

lorraine: how is everything? 

jerry: good, good, good... what's goin' on? 

lorraine: oh, working hard. and you? 

jerry: oh, you know, working around, same stuff, doing... whatever. 

lorraine: you haven't been around in a while. 

jerry: i know, i know... well, you know. 

lorraine: you should come by. 

jerry: definitely. i plan to, i'm not just saying that. 

elaine: hi, i'm elaine. 

lorraine (shaking her hand): lorraine. catalano. 

jerry: i'm sorry, lorraine, this is elaine... 

lorraine: well it was nice seeing you, jerry. and nice meeting you. (she leaves) 

elaine (smug): oh, nice to meet you too, lorraine! 

jerry: oh my god, lorraine... that's lorraine from my uncle's office. i'm in big, big trouble. 

elaine: the one you broke the plans with tonight? 

jerry: yeah, she works in his office. now she's gonna see him tomorrow and tell him she saw me here tonight. he's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna call my mother. oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. new york, long island, florida, it's like the bermuda triangle. unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. my uncle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother, my mother to my uncle... 

jerry: ...my uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me. 

elaine: you should've just had dinner with your uncle tonight and gotten in over with. it's just a movie. 

jerry: just a movie?! you don't understand. this isn't 'plans 1 through 8 from outer space', this is 'plan 9', this is the one that worked. the worst movie ever made! 

jerry: hey, i got news for you, if we're making this movie, we gotta get a table immediately. 

elaine: alright, ok. let's stop fooling around. let's just slip him some money. 

jerry: in a chinese restaurant? do they take money? 

elaine: do they take money? everyone takes money. i used to go out with a guy who did it all the time, you just slip him 20 bucks. 

george: 20 bucks? isn't that excessive? 

elaine: well what do you want to give him, change? 

george: it's more than the meal! 

jerry: oh, come on, we'll divide it up three ways. 

george: alright. 7,7, (points at himself) 6. i'm not gonna eat that much! 

jerry: i'm counting your shrimps. ok, who's gonna do it? 

george: oh no, i can't do it. i-i'm not good at these things, i get flustered. once i tried to bribe an usher at the roller derby, i almost got arrested. 

elaine: i guess it's you, jer. 

jerry: me? what about you? 

elaine: oh, i can't do that, it's a guy thing. 

jerry: the woman's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they? 

elaine: give me the money. 

elaine: how's it going'? 

bruce: very busy. 

elaine: boy, we are really anxious to sit down. 

bruce: very good specials tonight. 

elaine: if there's anything you can do to get us a table we'd really appreciate it. 

bruce: what is your name? (he turns the page over the money) 

elaine: no no, i want to eat now! (she gets the money from under the page) 

bruce: yes, we have sea-bass dinner tonight, very fresh. 

elaine (gives him the money): here, take this. i'm starving. take it! take it! 

bruce: dennison, 4! (goes over to 4 ladies) your table is ready. 

elaine: no no, no, i want that table. i want that table! oh, come on, did you see that? what was that? he took the money, he didn't give us a table. 

jerry: you lost the 20. 

elaine: well, how could he do that? 

george: you didn't make it clear. 

elaine: make it clear? 

jerry: what a sorry exhibition that was. alright, let me get the money back. 

bruce: your name? 

jerry: seinfeld. 

bruce: yeah, seinfeld 4! 

jerry: no no no, you see the girl there, with the long hair? 

bruce: oh yes, yes. very beautiful girl, very beautiful. is your girlfriend? 

jerry: well, actually, we did date for a while, but... it's really not relevant here. 

bruce: relationships are difficult. it's very hard to stay together- 

jerry: alright, listen, alright. how much longer is it gonna be? 

bruce: oh. in about five, ten minutes. 

george: so? 

jerry: there seems to be a bit of a discrepancy. 

elaine: so when are we gonna eat? 

jerry: five, ten minutes. 

george: we should have left earlier. i told you. 

jerry: i don't see any way we can eat and make this movie. 

elaine: oh, well i have to eat. 

jerry: well let's just order to go, we'll eat it in the cab. 

elaine: eat it in the cab? chinese food in a cab? 

jerry: we'll eat it in the movie. 

elaine: oh, who do you think you're going? do you think that they have big picnic tables there? 

jerry: well what do you suggest? 

elaine: i say we leave now, we go to 'skyburger' and we scarf 'em down. 

jerry: i'm not going to 'skyburger'. besides, it's in the opposite direction, let's just eat popcorn or something. 

bruce (holding a phone): cartwright? 

elaine: i can't have popcorn for dinner! 

bruce: cartwright? 

elaine (tries to snatch food off a waiter's tray): i have to eat! 

jerry: so they have hotdogs there. 

elaine: oh, movie hotdogs! i rather lick the food off the floor. 

george: i can't go anywhere, i have to wait here for tatiana's call. let me just check. 

george: excuse me, i'm expecting a call. costanza? 

bruce: yeah, i just got a call. i yell 'cartwright! cartwright!', just like that. nobody came up, i hang up. 

george: well, was it for costanza or... 

bruce: yes, yes, that's it. nobody answered. 

george: well was it a woman? 

bruce: yeah, yeah. i tell her you not here, she said curse word, i hang up. 

george: she called. he yelled cartwright. i missed her. 

jerry: who's cartwright? 

george: i'm cartwright! 

jerry: you're not cartwri- 

george: of course i'm not cartwright! look, why don't you two just go to the movies all by yourselves, i'm not in the mood. 

elaine: well me neither, i'm goin' to 'skyburger'. 

jerry: so you're not going? 

elaine: you don't need us. 

jerry: well i can't go to a bad movie by myself. who am i gonna make sarcastic remarks to, strangers? eh, i guess i'll just go to my uncle's. 

george: should we tell him we're leaving? 

elaine: what for? let's just get out of here. 

bruce: seinfeld, 4? 

jerry: hunger will make people do amazing things. i mean, the proof of that is cannibalism. cannibalism, what do they say, i mean, they're eating and, you know, "this is good, who is this? i like this person". you know, i mean, i would think the hardest thing about being a cannibal is trying to get some very deep sleep, you know what i mean? i would think, you'd be like, (pretending to wake up) "who is that? who's there? who's there? is somebody there? what do you want? what do you want? you look hungry, are you hungry? get out of here!" 

[setting: night club] 

jerry: i'm not a foodie. i don't, "oh, this is too rare. oh, it's too salty." just eat it and shut up. i'll eat anywhere, whatever they're having. i have eaten rotten rolls off of room service trays in hotel hallways. i have. it's not a joke. this is my life. i don't know, somebody left it. why would someone poison a roll, and leave it in a hallway for some comic coming down at two o' clock in the morning? why would they do that? sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in a little book. what is this? the story of the bill? "once upon a time, there were some very hungry people.." what is this? a little gold tassle hanging down? am i graduating from the restaurant? what is this about? 

[setting: a restaurant] 

elaine: do you want some of mine? 

jerry: take some of mine. 

george: why do i get pesto? why do i think i'll like it? i keep trying to like it, like i have to like it. 

jerry: who said you have to like it? 

george: everybody likes pesto. you walk into a restaurant, that's all you hear - pesto, pesto, pesto. 

jerry: i don't like pesto. 

george: where was pesto 10 years ago? 

jerry: (gesturing to a man) look at that guy. (elaine starts to look, but jerry stops her) i'll bet you he's gettin' hair transplants. any time you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, ten to one - plugs. 

elaine: (elaine turns to look at the man, trying to make it sound like they aren't talking about him) the thing about that painting.. is with the colors and um.. (turns back to jerry) oh yeah, plugola. 

jerry: (to elaine) oh, one more thing about the car. let it warm up for a minute. 

george: that's a tough minute. it's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work. 

jerry: i don't understand why he couldn't take a cab. 

george: who? 

jerry: elaine is having a "houseguest." she's picking him up at the airport tonight. 

george: a guy? 

elaine: (slightly embarrassed) yes, a guy. 

jerry: he's from a.. yakima, right? 

elaine: seattle. 

jerry: everybody's moving to seattle. 

george: it's the pesto of cities. so..? 

elaine: (to jerry) you tell him. 

jerry: well, from what i can piece together, our friend here met a gentleman. 

elaine: ed. 

jerry: who was in town on a business venture, and um.. 

elaine: ..we shared an interpersonal experience. (george hits his glass with his fork. to jerry) go on. 

jerry: so they went out a few times, but apparently, when the fellow returned home, he discovered that the benes tattoo does not wash off so easily. 

elaine: on some people. 

george: oooh. 

jerry: so, he's coming in to stay with her for a week. 

elaine: it was just gonna be a weekend, but then somehow it became a week. 

manager: what happened? 

george: oh, the busboy left the menu a little close to the candle. 

manager: sorry to the disturbance. 

elaine: (joking, she snobbishly says) i'm never eating here again. 

jerry: (pats george on the back) nice going. thank you, that ought to get us a free dessert.. (they can see the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway) i think the busboy's in trouble. 

george: did i get him in trouble? because of what i said?! i just told him what happened.. he didn't do it on purpose.. (mangager and busboy are arguing. the busboy points in the direction of george) he pointed at me. why did he point at me?! 

elaine: i said i would never eat here again.. but, i, i.. he had to know i was kidding. 

jerry: (casually buttering a roll, like he's the innocent one) i didn't say anything. 

george: i can't believe it. he's going! he's fired! 

elaine: oh, i said it in a kidding way. 

george: i didn't know he'd get fired. 

jerry: (jokingly trying to put more pressure on elaine and george) he'll probably kill his family over this. 

george: what if he's waiting for me outside? he pointed at me! did you see him point?! 

jerry: (again, joking) a lot of ex-cons become busboys. they seem to gravitate twards 'em. 

george: was it my fault? 

elaine: was it my fault? 

jerry: (doesn't have a care in the world) ..maybe i'll try that pesto. 

[setting: jerry's apartment] 

jerry: look, i feel bad for him too, but he'll get another job. i mean, let's face it, it's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews. 

george: (eating a sandwich) oh, like you really know busboys. 

jerry: oh, like you do. 

george: hey, at least i was a camp waiter. 

jerry: (scoffing) camp. 

george: it was a fat camp. those kids depended on me. 

jerry: elaine? 

elaine: (through intercom) yeah. 

jerry: busboys are always changing jobs. that's the business. i know. i work with these guys. i tallk to them in the kitchen at the comedy clubs. 

george: then why don't you try and get him another job? 

jerry: i'd love to, but i don't know anything about him. he could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins. 

elaine: i don't know if you people are aware of this, but i am one clever chickadee. 

george: what? did you get the busboy's number? 

elaine: his phone's been disconnected, but i was able to obtain an address - 1324 amsterdam avenue, apartment 4d. (hands george a card) now, i did my job. (to jerry) may i have the car keys, please? 

george: how did you get all this? 

elaine: does the word "charm" mean anything to you? 

jerry: no. (george grabs his jacket) so now you're going to his apartment? i really think this is nuts. 

george: (putting his jacket on) i'd like to apologize. i want to tell him i.. i.. didn't mean to get him in trouble. 

jerry: you, you're going now? 

george: yeah, i want to see if there's anything i can do.. maybe get him another job.. maybe i'll hear of something. 

jerry: maybe the fat camp. (to elaine) you're not going? 

elaine: i would, but i have to pick up ed at the airport. 

jerry: i just don't think you should go alone. can't you wait till after my set? 

george: it'll take to long. 

jerry: take the k-man. a little support.. 

george: (unsure) i don't a.. 

kramer: take me where? where? 

[setting: an apartment building hallway] 

george: look, i really appreciate your coming, but if you wouldn't mind - try not to say too much. 

kramer: what am i gonna say? 

george: i don't know. 

kramer: well, i'm not an idiot. 

george: certainly not. 

kramer: then we're cool. 

george: yeah.. yeah, we're - we're cool. (knocks lightly. kramer takes charge by knocking on the door louder. the busboy answers) uh, i'm sorry to bother you, i was in the restaurant earlier and i was wondering if i could talk to you for a few minutes about what happened. (he gestures for them to come in. they obey) i hope i'm not interrupting anything. it's just that i think i may have - without realizing it - been responsible for getting you fired. (nervously laughs) and.. and.. and i just want you to know that i didn't intend for that to happen. 

kramer: (patting george on the shoulder) he's a hell of a guy. 

george: this is a guy i know.. kramer. 

kramer: habla espanol? 

george: (to himself) oh my god. 

antonio: si. 

kramer: como se dice.. waterbed? 

george: (interrupting) anyway, i just wanted to let you know i'm really sorry that happened, and if i can help out in any way, i'll certainly be glad to do that. (pause) well, i guess that's about it. 

kramer: you got anything to drink? agua? 

george: oy uy uy.. (antonio points to the sink) we really should get going. 

kramer: let me get a glass of water. (heads tward the sink) 

george: hurry up. 

antonio: (notices that his cat is missing) pequita? pequita? (starts to panic) 

kramer: his cat's gone. 

antonio: (notes the door was left wide open) la puerta esta abierta. (starts screaming) la puerta esta abierta! (to kramer and george) who left the door open? (silence) who left the door open?! (kramer and george look at eachother) come on, come on! help me look! (all three head out the door to look) 

[setting: antonio's apartment] 

kramer: ..you know, cats run away all the time. you know, my aunt, she had a cat. ran away. showed up three years later.. you never know. they got things in 

george: (gestures for kramer to shut up) once again, antonio, i can't even begin to say how deeply, deeply sorry i am about everything. the job, the cat.. (a lamp breaks) the lamp. 

kramer: the wire was sticking out.. (fits the two broken pieces together) yeah. 

george: (hands antonio a card) here's my card. i'm in real estate, so, if you're ever looking for something bigger, something nicer.. (antonio is staring at him, angered) ..maybe not right now. anyway.. (extends his hand for a handshake. antonio doesn't move) 

kramer: you oughta get that wire fixed. (they go to leave) i got the door. (shuts the door, the broken lamp falls to the floor) 

[setting: jerry's apartment] 

jerry: (on the phone) george, stop worrying about this guy. it wasn't your fault.. come on, he's not stalking you. 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: (to kramer) hey. (to george) he doesn't even know where you live.. who told you to give him your business card?.. (intercom buzzes) that's elaine. (kramer buzzes her in. jerry talks into the phone) kramer.. (to kramer) george wants to know when you want to look for the cat again. 

kramer: it's been a week. it's up to the cat now. 

jerry: (into phone) kramer says it's up to the cat now. (to kramer) it'll be on your conscience. 

kramer: oh? how do you figure? 

jerry: (into phone) how do you figure? (to kramer) 'cause you're the one who left the door open. 

kramer: why was i in charge of closing the door? 

jerry: (into phone) why was he in charge of closing the door? (irritated at the phone message relay, to kramer) 'cause you came in after him! 

kramer: so! 

jerry: (into phone) so! (to kramer - getting even more angry) so, the last person in should close the door! 

kramer: let me talk to him. 

jerry: (to kramer) talk - call him from your house. (elaine enters. kramer leaves. to phone) he's calling you now.. okay. (hangs up) 

elaine: ed's downstairs. can i have the car keys? 

jerry: no hello? 

elaine: got any asprin? (finds some) hello. now, lookit, you guarantee this car will get me to the airport tomarrow? no problems? 

jerry: guarantee? ..hey, it's a car. 

elaine: because if there's even the slightest chance of any problem at all, i don't want to take it - because if i don't get this guy on a plane to seattle and out of my life, i'm gonna kill him, and everyone who tries to stop me. 

jerry: (jokingly asking) so, did you have a nice week together? 

elaine: i heard a little ping in the car last time. what was that ping? 

jerry: there's no ping. why are you so wacky? 

elaine: jerry, you cannot imagine how much i hate this guy.. and he hasn't even done anything! it's the situation. he's a wonderful guy, but i hate his guts! 

jerry: so, you two been, uh.. 

elaien: no! i told him i've been having my period for the last five days! i'm sleeping all squished over on the edge of my bed.. but, i've only got fourteen hours to go. nothing can go wrong now. i think i've taken care of everything. i've confirmed the plane reservation. i've checked the weather.. 

jerry: what's your airport route? 

elaine: i've got it all mapped out - i'm taking the tunnel. 

jerry: ..what about the van wyck? 

elaine: i spoke to a cab driver. for five bucks, he turned me on to the rockaway boulevard shortcut. 

jerry: oooh. 

elaine: now, lookit, this plane leaves at 1015. we're getting up at about eight. that gives us enough time, right? 

jerry: you still using that old alarm clock? 

elaien: oh, no, no. i bought a new one today. it's got everything - it's got everything... if you oversleep more than ten minutes, a hand comes out and slaps you in the face. 

[setting: night club] 

jerry: flying doesn't make me nervous - driving to the airport can make you very nervous because when you're flying, when you're getting on the plane, if you miss that plane, there's no alternative. on the ground, you have options. you have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. but, when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, that's it. no airline goes, "well, you missed the flight, we do have a cannon leaving in about ten minutes. would you be interested in that? it's not a direct cannon, you have to change cannons after you land." (imitates cannon operator) "i'm sorry, where you goin'? chicago? (cranks the cannon) oh, dallas? alright, wait a second.. (cranks cannon to dallas) dallas. that's about dallas. texas, anyway. you should hit texas. are you ready? make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you." 

[setting: elaine's apartment] 

(elaine and ed are in bed. elaine awakes to find out that it's 9: 15 - they overslept. she gets frantic) 

elaine: (trying to wake ed up) get up! the alarm clock didn't go off! (shakes him) it's 915! you're gonna miss the plane! it's 915! 

ed: 915? 

elaine: yes! 915! 

ed: (going back to sleep) we'll never make it. i'll leave tomarrow. 

elaine: tomarrow?! are you crazy? no, now, now! let's go! (gets his suitcase from the closet, throws it on the bed, and frantically starts packing) you get dressed! get dressed! 

ed: can i shower? 

elaine: shower?! are you out of your mind?! 

ed: i gotta shower. i'll feel dirty all day. 

elaine: forget the shower! the shower's out. move it! put your clothes on! put your clothes on! (pulls out drawers of clothes, turning them over in the suitcase. he walks tward the door) where are you going? 

ed: the kitchen. 

elaine: the kitchen?! 

ed: i've got a bag of cashews in there. 

elaine: they're not making it! let's get your pants on! 

ed: what's the big deal if we don't make it? i'll just go tomarrow or the next day. 

elaine: no! you have your ticket! you have to go now! 

ed: i'll never make it. 

elaine: don't say that! 

ed: but it takes forty-five minutes to get there. that'll only leave me five minutes to get to the plane. 

elaine: shut up and pack! 

ed: and what if i don't make the plane? you'll have already left. then what will i do? 

elaine: you're talking too much! 

ed: where's my sweater? 

elaine: what?! 

ed: my brown sweater. 

elaine: what? what sweater? 

ed: my brown sweater. 

elaine: you didn't bring a brown sweater. 

ed: i brought a brown sweater. 

elaine: here! here! you want a brown sweater?! (recahes into one of her drawers, and grabs a brown sweater, then packs it) you got a brown sweater! 

ed: that's not mine. i can't take your sweater. 

elaine: it's brown! (takes clothes still on the hangers, and dumps them into the suitcase) 

ed: what are you doing?! 

elaine: no time for folding.. (looks around) i think that's it. (zips up the suitcase) 

ed: my shoes. you packed my shoes. 

elaine: shoes? shoes?! shoes?! shoes weren't invented till the fourth century! people walked around for thousands of years without them! (puts her coat on over her nightie. he picks up his suitcase, she grabs it from him, then pushes him out of her way) i got this. let's go! 

[setting: jerry's apartment] 

jerry: anywhere in the city? 

george: anywhere in the city - i'll tell you the best public toilet. 

jerry: okay.. fifty-fourth and sixth? 

george: sperry rand building. 14th floor, morgan apparel. mention my name - she'll give you the key. 

jerry: alright.. sixty-fifth and tenth. 

george: (scoffs) are you kidding? lincoln center. alice tully hall, the met. magnificent facilities. 

elaine: (slow, as if remember a dream) i never new i could drive like that. i was going faster than i've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. i was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an olympic skier on a gold metal run. i knew i was challenging the very laws of physics. at queens boulevard, i took the shoulder. at jewel avenue, i used the median. i had it. i was there.. and then.. i hit the van wyck. they say no one's ever beaten the van wyck, but gentlemen, i tell you this - i came as close as anyone ever has. and if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on rockaway boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs. 

kramer: ..the busboy's coming! the busboy's coming! 

george: the busboy's coming? 

jerry: you don't mean here? 

kramer: yeah. i just buzzed him in. he's on his way up.. 

george: he's coming up?! (moves to the door) i'll check you out later. 

jerry: where are you going? 

george: i'm the one he wants! he's coming to settle the score. 

jerry: (trying to get george and kramer out) no. you three all know each other. there's no point in me getting involved at this stage of the game. 

kramer: no, he's not going to do anything. i guarantee it. 

george: oh, the hell with it. let him kill me. i.. 

kramer: antonio. in here! 

george: (nervous, his voice cracks) hey, antonio. how's it going? 

antonio: three nights ago, a gas main beneath the restaurant exploded, killing five people in my section, including the busboy who replaced me. if i am not fired that night because of you and your thoughtless, stupid, insensitive remarks, it would have been me. you saved my life. (hugs him again) 

george: (trying to be modest) ah, come on.. 

elaine: (into the intercom) yeah? 

ed: it's eddie. 

elaine: he's coming up. (buzzes him in) he's coming up.. 

antonio: and that very same night of the accident, while looking for pequita, i found a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost twice what i was making before - and when i returned to the apartment, pequita, perhaps frightened from the explosion, had miraculously returned. well, but now, i must go, for today i am starting my new and wonderful job. and i am very late. thank you, thank you, thank you all. (leaves) 

ed: hey, watch were you're going. you almost knocked my head off! 

antonio: hey, why don't you watch where you're going, okay? 'cause you bumped into me! 

ed: who do you think you're talking to, pal? 

antonio: hey, get your hands off me! 

ed: go to hell! 

[setting: coffee shop] 

jerry: he'll get another job. he's a busboy! 

george: it won't for a while. at least not until after the cast comes off. 

jerry: it was that fall down the stairs. that's what did it. 

george: that's not how it happened. it's when he fell on him with his knee. 

elaine: oh, that was awful. poor antonio. (waiter hands elaine two bags of food to go) ..thanks. 

george: so, much longer? 

elaine: till when - till he goes back to seattle, or till he can feed himself? 

george: (not wanting to make elaine mad) i guess it's not important. 

elaine: take care of yourselves. (leaves) 

george: i should probably get going too. if i don't feed pequita by seven, she goes all over everything.. take it easy. 

jerry: yeah.. (takes a bite of his sandwich as the waiter starts cleaning off the table) how ya doing? 

[setting: night club] 

jerry: first of all, i can't believe that people actually do fight. people have fist fights in life. i can't really believe that we have boxing either. it's really kind of an amazing thing. to me, the problem with boxing is - you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a bit, have a little accident? they get out, "didn't you see my signal?" "look at that fender!" ..then you'd see a real fight. 

jerry: evry-every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "oh, is he good?" "oh, he's the best. this guy's the best." they can't all be the best. there can't be this many bests. someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes, where are these doctors? is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, "you should see my doctor, he's the worst. oh yeah, he's the worst, he's the absolute worst there is. whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. no, he's just, he's a butcher. the man's a butcher." and then there's always that, "make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me." why? what's the difference? he's a doctor. what is it, "oh, you know bob! okay, i'll give you the real medicine. and everybody else, i'm giving tic-tacs." 

julianna: ...and usually for lunch i'll have a salad, and for dinner, i eat whatever i want. 

jerry: what do you think the worst part of being blind is? 

julianna: excuse me? 

jerry: you know, if you were blind, what do you think the worst part of it would be? 

julianna: i don't know. 

jerry: i think it would be not being able to tell if there was bugs in my food. how could you ever enjoy a meal like that? i'd constantly be feeling around with my lips and my tongue. 

julianna: well that's how my five-year old eats. he's a very picky eater. 

jerry: you hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in pennsylvania? 

julianna: no. 

jerry: he was at a carnival with his mother. she goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone. 

julianna: oh. 

jerry: imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. (she starts the quick hand chops on his back) and these people are all over the place. you never know who's crazy, i could be one of these people. 

julianna (visibly uncomfortable): have you seen any good movies? 

jerry: who takes care of your boy during the day? 

julianna: we have a woman. why? 

jerry: no no. i'm just saying. 

julianna: she had references. 

jerry: oh i'm sure she did, i'm sure they're impeccable. i'm talking about the ones that forge `em. 

jerry: (about the massage)you know i think this is really helping. 

julianna: i don't live near here, ya know! 

jerry: so she's giving me the massage and i'm just making conversation. 

elaine: i don't like to talk during a massage. 

jerry: neither do i, but i do it for them. i figure they're bored. 

george: yeah, i do that too. i feel guilty about getting the pleasure. i feel like i don't deserve it so i talk. it stops me from enjoying it. there's nothing to eat in here. 

elaine: oh! i forgot to tell you-- 

jerry: i'm in the middle of a story. 

elaine: oh, okay, go ahead. 

george: why don't you ever go shopping? 

jerry: well its not like it's a really funny story or anything. 

elaine: what happened? 

jerry: well so she mentioned that she had a son, and then for some reason, i launch into the story about the kid from pennsylvania who was abducted. 

elaine: oh, wasn't that terrible? 

jerry: yes, it was. 

george: not even an apple. 

elaine: she doesn't want to hear that, that was stupid. 

jerry: i know it was stupid. 

elaine: really stupid. (she takes a big sip from her bottled water.) 

jerry: hey, i just said it was stupid. 

george: what about this leftover chinese food? 

jerry: take it. 

elaine: i can't believe you said that. 

jerry: hey, would you stop it already? 

elaine: so, whatd she say? 

jerry: i don't know, she actually seemed to get a little paranoid. 

george: (he just took a bite of the chinese food ) this is terrible. what is this, ginger? i hate ginger. i can't understand how anyone can eat ginger. (puts the container back in the refrigerator.) 

elaine: i have a good masseuse you could go to. 

jerry: nah, she's really good and she's not just a masseuse, she's a physical therapist. there's a big difference. she uses the ultrasound, it's a real medical procedure. in fact, if you get a doctor's note, it's covered by insurance. 

george: physical therapy is covered by insurance? 

jerry: yeah. 

george: you don't have to pay for the massage? 

jerry: not if you have a doctor's note. 

elaine: so where do you get this note? 

jerry: well i've never actually done it but if i really wanted to i could probably get one from my friend roy, the dentist. 

george: right, your friend roy. 

elaine: what's the name of this physical therapist? 

jerry: i'll tell you, but don't ask her anything about her kid, she a little off. 

george: and you don't have to pay. 

george: we have a, three-o'clock appointments. 

receptionist: george and elaine, right? 

elaine: right. 

receptionist: could you fill these out for me please? and um, elaine, you'll be seeing julianna 

elaine: (quietly) ok. 

receptionist: and george, you'll be with raymond. 

george: excuse me, did you say 'raymond'? 

receptionist: yes. 

george: but, uh, raymond is a man. 

receptionist: that's right. 

george: i can't get a massage from a man. 

elaine: why not? 

george: what, are you crazy? i can't have a man touching me. switch with me. 

elaine: no, i don't want the man either. 

george: what's the difference, you're a woman. they're supposed to be touching you. 

elaine: he'd just be touching your back. 

george: he'd just be touching your back too. 

elaine: no, it could get sexual. 

george: i know. that's the point. if it's gonna get sexual, it should get sexual with you. 

elaine: i wouldn't be comfortable. 

george: i would? what if something happens? 

elaine: what could happen? 

george: what if it felt good? 

elaine: it's supposed to feel good. 

george: i don't want it to feel good. 

elaine: then why get the massage? 

george: exactly! 

raymond: george? 

george: yes? 

raymond: i'm raymond. (with a big smile) 

george: hello.(with not a big smile) 

raymond: are you ready? (smiling, he looks at elaine. she smiles back at him while looking all the way up there at the tall, handsome raymond.) 

raymond: and then julianna asked me if i wanted to join her here in the office. 

george: really. 

raymond: use to be a flight attendant. 

george: oh boy. 

raymond: ya know, why don't ya, open those pants, it's gonna be a lot easier that way. 

raymond: so what do you do? 

george: what? 

raymond: i said, 'what do you do?'. 

george: i-i don't know. 

raymond: you don't know what you do? 

george: nah. 

raymond: ohh-ho, come on. hey, you're very tense. 

george: hu, coffee. too much coffee (nervous laughter). 

raymond: okay, just take off those pants now, and i'll work the hamstring. 

george: oh, the hamstrings fine. 

raymond: but you wrote that it was tender. (holding the clip board) 

george: i wrote. pfft, *i* wrote. 

raymond: i'll check it out. (makes a notation on the form) 

george: are you sure? 

raymond: yeah, take 'em off. (continues writing) 

raymond: how did you hurt this? 

george: i don't know. 

raymond: you don't know? 

george: no. 

raymond: but you just told me-- 

george: korea. 

raymond: you hurt it in korea? 

george: what? 

raymond: the hamstring. 

george: korea. 

raymond: how? 

george: hamstring. 

raymond: how did you hurt the hamstring? 

george: hotel. 

elaine: how'd it go? george? 

jerry: no appointments at all? because my neck is still tight. what about thursday? and friday? oh boy. okay, thanks anyway. 

jerry: what's with you? 

george: a... ah... 

jerry: yes, a...? 

george: a man gave me... 

jerry: yes, a man gave you...? 

george: a man gave me... a massage. hu, hu 

jerry: so? 

george: so he... had his hands and, uh, he was uh 

jerry: he was what?! 

george: he-he was uh touching and rubbing. (nervous laugh) 

jerry: that's a massage. 

george: and then i took my pants off. 

jerry: you took your pants off? 

george: for my hamstring. 

jerry: oh. 

george: he got about uh, two inches from... there. 

jerry: really? 

george: i think it moved. 

jerry: moved? 

george: it may have moved, i don't know. 

jerry: i'm sure it didn't move. 

george: it moved! it was imperceptible but i-i felt it. 

jerry: maybe it just wanted to change positions? you know, shift to the other side. 

george: no, no. it wasn't a shift, i've shifted, this was a move. 

jerry: okay, so what if it moved? 

george: that's the sign! the test; if a - if a man makes it move. 

jerry: that's not the test. contact is the test, if it moves, as a result of contact. 

george: you think it's contact? it has to be touched? 

jerry: that's what a gym teacher once told me. 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: hey. 

kramer: i just saw joe dimaggio in dinky donuts. you know, i-i looked in there and there he was having coffee and a donut. 

jerry: joe dimaggio? in dinky donuts? 

kramer: yeah. joe dimaggio. 

jerry: no, i'm sorry, if joe dimaggio wants a donut, he goes to a fancy restaurant or a hotel. he's not sitting in dinky donuts. 

kramer: well maybe he likes dinky donuts. 

george: i don't even like to sit next to a man on an airplane 'cause our knees might touch. 

jerry: i can't see joe dimaggio sitting at the counter in little tiny filthy smelly dinky donuts. 

kramer: why can't joe dimaggio have a donut like everyone else? 

jerry: he can have a donut, 

kramer: yeah. 

jerry: but not at dinky. 

george: i don't even like to use urinals, always been a stall man. 

kramer: look i'm tellin-- (he does a double take and looks at george) i'm telling ya, that was joe dimaggio. 

george: the guy slept with marilyn monroe, he's in dinky donuts. what about this doctor's note? let's go see your friend roy. 

jerry: i never said i'd do that. 

george: what are you talking about, that's seventy-five bucks! i'm not working, i can't afford that. 

jerry: i don't know how i feel about it. 

george: oh, what are you, like, a quaker now? 

jerry: alright, alright. 

kramer: a stall man, huh? (small laugh) 

george: all right -- (gets up to leave) 

kramer: wha-ha-a-at? (makes a gesture with his hand) 

jerry: ...so we were just kinda wondering if it was possible for you to write us a note, and if you can't, believe me, it's fine. 

george: he didn't say he can't. 

jerry: i mean, if you feel funny about it, at all. 

george: he doesn't feel funny. 

jerry: if he does. 

george: do you feel funny? he didn't say anything. 

jerry: he feels funny. you don't have to do this. 

george: he knows that! 

jerry: roy, should we go? is this a breach of our friendship? 

george: oh, can you be any more dramatic? 

roy: don't be ridiculous. (notices george looking at a poster on the wall) holyfield. he's a good friend of one of my patients. he's got a hell of a body, doesn't he? 

george: how would i know? 

roy: do you like him? 

george: what do you mean, like him? 

roy: do you like him? 

george: i mean he's a good fighter and a nice guy but i don't like him. 

roy: how come you don't like him? 

george: why should i? 

jerry: what is the matter with you? 

george: nothing, why? you think something's wrong? am i different? 

roy: so, you want the notes? 

jerry: you don't have to, really. 

roy: nah nah, it's ok. 

jerry: we should probably get one for elaine, too, right george? (turns to george, who is staring intently at the holyfield poster) george? 

jerry: well what about the week after? 

jerry: no appointments at all? (motions to elaine to move over) 

elaine: what? (he bumps her with his butt to move over) 

jerry: can i - can i at least just talk to her so i can apologize? forget it. (hangs up) i can't believe this, i make one innocent comment, about some lunatic in pennsylvania and i'm cut off. this woman is insane. (looks at elaine for a moment) what's with you? 

elaine: what? 

jerry: well you were too close to me, i was all scrunched in there. 

elaine: hey, you scrunched me. i sat down here first. 

kramer: hey, i saw dimaggio in the donut shop again. 

jerry: uh huh. 

kramer: yeah. 

elaine: joe dimaggio? 

kramer: joe dimaggio, you know this time i went in and sat down across from him and i really watched him. i studied, his every move. for example, he dunks. 

elaine: joe dimaggio dunks his donut?! 

kramer: that's right. 

jerry: see, now i know it's not him. joe dimaggio could not be a dunker. 

kramer: oh, he's a dunker. 

elaine: why couldn't he be a dunker? 

kramer: and nothing diverts his attention. like, i'm uh, you know, i-i, like i'm sitting in there, you know. and, uh, i start banging on the table, you know, to uh, so that hell look up, you know, like i'm sitting there you know and uh, *bang* (slams the table) you know, *bang* he wouldn't move. so then i start doing these yelping noises. like, *yip* (high pitched yelping noises) *yip*. no reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that's going on around him. see, that's how he played baseball. he dunks like he hits. 

elaine: so then what? 

kramer: well, then the waitress, she comes up and she tells me to shut up or they're gonna throw me out. 

elaine: why didn't you just call out his name? 

jerry: what happened to you? 

george: these kids called me a mary. 

elaine: a what? 

george: i was jumping over a puddle, and for some reason i went like this. (george stretches out his arms in a ballet motion) and they called me a mary. so i chased them, and i tripped and i fell. 

kramer: yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive. 

elaine: hey, george? what is this? (laughing, elaine makes the same outstretched arm motion) what is that? no really, what is that? 

jerry: hello? oh, hi roy. what? oh my god. wel-- how did this happen? what can i do? oh. i am so sorry. okay. bye. (hangs up) that was roy. he's under investigation for insurance fraud. 

kramer (singing): ...just a man and not a freak, joltin' joe dimaggio. joe, joe. go, joe... 

jerry: i told you. 

george: told me what? 

jerry: i told you we shouldn't do it. 

george: he didn't say anything. 

jerry: he's got a house, a family, they could take away his license. you should have heard him. three notes, how stupid was that? we never should have got three notes. 

elaine: three notes? 

jerry: yeah, you, me and george. 

elaine: you got me a note? 

jerry: yeah. 

elaine: but i got my own note. 

jerry: you what? 

elaine: i got a note from my gynecologist. 

jerry: why'd you do that? 

elaine: i didn't know you were getting me a note. 

jerry: of course i was getting you a note. 

elaine: but you didn't say anything. ohhh 

jerry: neither did you, that's how he got caught. we sent in four notes from two doctors. 

george: no doctor-- 

elaine: wait a-- 

kramer: how can you do that to your friend? he's got a wife, kids, and a lot of other stuff. oh, yyyeeah. 

jerry: hi pam. 

pam: hello. 

george: hello. 

jerry: i just thought ahh maybe i could talk to roy, if um 

roy: pam, did the x-ray from mrs. sloan... hi. 

jerry: hi roy. 

george: how ya doing? 

roy: come on back, i have a patient but she's under. 

jerry: i don't even know what to say. 

george: me neither. 

jerry: i knew this would happen. 

george: me too. 

jerry: i mean the whole thing, it's just... 

george: tragic. 

jerry: well it's not tragic. 

george: no? 

jerry: no, it's... 

george: unsettling? 

jerry: okay. i mean, what if the-- 

pam: i hope you're both happy. (she turns and walks away) 

jerry: i'm not happy. 

george: me neither. i've never been happy. 

jerry: i mean i'm happy sometimes, but-but not now. 

george: in college, maybe. those were fun times. 

jerry: yeah, college was fun. 

george: yeah. 

jerry: yeah. 

pam: you know the whole practice is in jeopardy, you know that? (she turns and walks away again.) 

roy: don't mind her. 

jerry: oh please, i love her. 

george: i've just met her but i'm very impressed. 

roy: i can't understand, i've never had a problem with these notes before. 

jerry: well what's the next move, what's gonna happen now? 

roy: well, nothing really, as long as we get the physical therapist to go along with our story. 

jerry: what? the physical therapist? why? 

roy: she just has to say the complaint was related to a dental problem. 

george: how ya doing? 

jerry: hi. ah look, i know i don't have an appointment but it's really important that i talk with julianna. 

receptionist: i'm sorry, mr. seinfeld, she's not in. 

jerry: yeah, i know she's mad at me, but i really have to speak with her. 

receptionist: i told you, she's not here. 

jerry: you don't understand, ah 

receptionist: look, you have to leave. 

jerry: wait a second, don't you-- 

jerry: hi. hi. look, i don't know what you think -- 

julianna: please! 

jerry: --but, you see, let me just talk to you for a second, see, what i did is inadvertently sent an insurance-- 

julianna: i treated you, so please, just get out of the office! 

jerry: can't you just listen to me? 

julianna (releasing her child): run billy! run to the office and close the door! (to the receptionist) call the police! 

jerry: the police? 

raymond: what is the --. hi george. (stands there with a big smile) 

george: hello. 

jerry (to george): raymond? 

elaine: well, i mean it's only a six month probation, it's a slap on the wrist. 

jerry: yeah, i still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming. 

george: men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. all of a sudden i'll be, in the middle. 

elaine: of what? 

george: and a guy will appear from out of nowhere. i say "get out of here! what do you want? you don't belong here!" 

elaine: what do they do? 

george: they talk back. they go, "hey george, how's it going?" i say, "get the hell out of here!" 

jerry: hey, it's the k-man. (he bangs on the glass to get kramer's attention, elaine laughs) maybe it's time you got a different hobby. 

kramer: man, ughhhh, wwwheh. i just came from roy's. i threw up from the gas. 

jerry: did he say anything? 

kramer: no no, he's fine. 

jerry (noticing something across the coffee shop): oh my god, it's... 

george (looking over): joe dimaggio. 

elaine: (gasps) 

kramer: where? 

jerry: having a cup of coffee. 

elaine: and he's dunking! 

kramer: yeah -- yeah. 

jerry: wow. look at him. the yankee clipper 

kramer: (quietly) yeah. 

jerry: here. 

george: you see? now that is a handsome man. (elaine and jerry look right at george) oh please. 

kramer: wait, wait hold on now, wait, wait *bang* (he slams his hand down on the table, startling jerry, elaine and george) *bang* (again) *yip* (another high pitched yelping sound) *yip* *yip* see? i told you. 

jerry: what causes homophobia? what is it, that makes a heterosexual man, worry? i think it's because, men know, that deep down we have weak sales resistance. we're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. men think, "obviously i can be talked into anything. what if i accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes, 'just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store a little bit, see how you feel. no obligation, no pressure, just try it. would you like to see him in a sandal?'" 

song over the end credits: joltin' joe dimaggio 

http: //www.baseball-almanac.com/poetry/joltinjoedimaggio.shtml 

published: 1941 

performed by: les brown 

sung by: betty bonney 

jerry: welcome everyone to the room...ah, the extra button....yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) where the hell is that ... i mean is it that hard to get round black buttons that they have to make it into such a great thing like this? ... is it such a great jacket ... the buttons are so unique, so one of a kind, you'll never find them - they save you the trouble of knocking your brain off - and we know they're going to fall off too that's the other thing ... 

patrice: everyone in my family's creative. and even though i'm working as an accountant now i'd really like to eventually live exclusively on my pappe-ay mache-ay hats 

george: i don't understand. paper machay hats? 

patrice: uh uh 

george: what if it rains? 

patrice: they're art. you hang them on the wall. 

george: oh, art! 

patrice: it's my creative outlet. one of my passions. 

george: any money in it? 

patrice: who so belongs only to his age, references only popenjays and mumbo jumbos 

george: of course, right. 

patrice: thomas carlisle, 1864. 

george: tommy c. 

jerry: these are the receipts from 85 and i'm going to do 86. 

kramer: i'm sorry. i thought it was a legitimate charity. i didn't know you'd get audited 

jerry: i don't blame you. i blame myself. 

kramer: no, blame me. 

jerry: ok, i blame you. 

kramer: don't blame me. 

jerry: what was i supposed to do? you knew i was on my first date with elaine. you come barging in here asking me to contribute money for a volcano relief fund for krakatoa. 

kramer: it was supposed to erupt. 

jerry: i find the whole thing very embarrassing. 

kramer: you know what my feelings are about this. i don't even pay taxes. 

jerry: yeah, tha's easy when you have no income. 

elaine: hi, 

jerry: hi 

elaine: kramer, do me a favour will ya'. if you insist o making pasta in my apartment please don't put the tomato sauce on the pasta while it's in the strainer. all the little squares have hardened red sauce in them. 

elaine: what's so funny 

jerry: kramer dating your room mate. it's funny. 

elaine: uh, it's a riot alice. 

kramer: when do you pit the sauce on? 

elaine: any other time. 

kramer: i like to strain the sauce. 

elaine: and ... i could really live without the tribal music ... and the make out sessions in the living room 

kramer: yeah, tina likes the couch. 

elaine: what are you doing? what is all this? 

jerry: oh he's uh, helping me sort my receipts. i'm being audited. 

elaine: o, your being auditted? what for? 

jerry: oh, i contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. it's very boring. 

elaine: when was this? 

jerry: uh, along long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. 

elaine: i remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date. 

jerry: volcano? really? 

elaine: oh, wait a minute. don't tell me that that was ... 

jerry: something to drink? 

elaine: what did you think, that would impress me? 

jerry: you got it all wrong. i was thinking only of the poor krakatoans 

elaine: like you this donation for 50 bucks and i'd start tearing my clothes off? 

jerry: those brave krakatoans east of java. who sacrifice so much for so long. 

elaine: now you're being audited because of it. you see that's karma. 

jerry: no, that's krama. 

elaine: so, waddya' going to do? 

jerry: it's all taken care of. 

elaine: how is that? 

kramer: (chuckles) 

jerry: an old friend of mine, whom you may have met, george costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formally a highly placed official with an outfit known as the irs. and as we speak, at this very moment he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information. and she has assured us that the matter is well within her field of expertise. 

elaine: why is she doing this? 

jerry: i don't know. it must be love. 

george: i don't think we should see each other anymore. you're great but i'm i'm riddled with personal problems. 

patrice: what did i do? 

george: nothing it's not you. it's me. i have a fear of commitment. i don't know how to love. 

patrice: you hate my earrings don't you? 

george: no, no, 

patrice: and you didn't comment on the chop sticks. 

george: i love the chop sticks. i, i personally prefer a fork but they look very nice. 

patrice: you're not telling me the truth. i must have done something. 

george: i have a fear of intimacy 

patrice: don't give me cliches. i have a right to know. what did i do wrong? 

george: nothing. it's not you.. 

patrice: i want the truth. 

george: the truth. you want the truth? it is your earrings it is the chopsticks but it's so much more. you're pretentious. you call everyone by their full name you call my doorman, sammy, "samuel" but you didn't even say "samuel" you went "sam - u- el" papie-eh mach-eh what is papie-ay mach-ay? 

patrice: keep goin'. 

george: i, i think i made my point. i'm sorry if i was a little harsh. 

patrice: no, i asked for the truth. thank you for being so honest. 

george: can i uh, can i walk you back to work? 

patrice: i prefer to go alone. how much do i owe? 

george: oh, please ... ... four dollars is f... 

jerry: ... if this audit had happened to me and i didn't have this woman to help me i would have killed this man. i would have strangled the life out of him with my bare hands 

elaine: i don't blame ya' 

jerry: have you ever been through an audit? 

elaine: no. 

jerry: it's hell. it's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination. i would have killed this man. torn him limb from limb, ripped the flesh right off his bones ... 

jerry: yeah 

george: george 

jerry: come up - ah, there he is, the man himself, george louis costanza. here i am about to go to the electric chair and my oldest friend is dating the governor 

george: my whole life has been a complete waste of time, (chuckle) 

jerry: and there's so much more to go. 

george: now i know what i am supposed to do. it's so simple. tell the truth that's all. just tell the truth 

jerry: so what happened? you gave her my tax papers? ... my papers? 

george: oh, oh, your papers 

jerry: what happened you didn't give her the papers? 

george: no. i did. 

jerry: so? 

george: ...i broke up with her. 

jerry: you what? 

george: i broke up with her. 

jerry: i'm being audited! and you broke up with her? 

george: it's ok. it's fine. she'll do it. i'm sure she'll still do it. 

jerry: why will she still do it? she hates you now. people don't do you favors after you dump them. 

george: oh, no. we left on good terms. 

jerry: how is that possible? 

george: because i uh, i told her the truth. 

jerry: oh, my god. 

george: it's ok. 

jerry: it's unheard of ... 

george: she asked me to. 

jerry: so you lie! what did you tell her? 

george: i told her that she was pretentious. 

jerry: pretentious!? the woman has my tax papers. you told her she was pretentious? the irs. they're like the mafia. they can take anything they want 

elaine: how would you like it if someone told you the truth? 

george: like what? what could they say? 

elaine: there are plenty of things to say. 

george: like what? i'm bald? what is it specifically? is, is there an odor i'm not aware of? 

elaine: george, please. 

george: give me one. 

elaine: you sure? 

george: yes. 

elaine: what? 

elaine: forget it. you are very careful with money. 

george: i'm cheap? you think i'm cheap? how could you say that to me? i can't believe this. how could you say that to me? 

elaine: you asked me to. 

george: you should have lied. 

elaine: huh, so should you. 

jerry: ok, wait a second, wait a second, what happened to my papers? 

george: (ignoring jerry) i mean i'm not really working right now. 

elaine: i know. 

george: when i was working i spent baby. 

jerry: yeah, i know champagne, limos, cigars. what happened to the papers? 

george: she put them in her pocketbook. i guess she took them with her. 

elaine: pocketbook or a handbag? 

jerry: is that relevant? she took them. call her office. 

george: give me the phone. (dials) yea, hi i would like to speak to patrice. ... what? ... oh really? ... oh, ok, thank you, ... (hangs up) 

jerry: what? what? 

george: she never came back from lunch. 

jerry: this is no good. this is no good. call her house. 

george: (dials) hi, are you ok? no, no,.. huh, (hangs up) she hung up. 

jerry: not good. 

george: all right. there's nothing to be worried about. she's just a little annoyed right now. tomorrow i'll personally go over there. i'll apologize. i'll get the papers. don't worry. don't worry. (exits) 

jerry: not good 

kramer: yeah, it's a windshield. 

jerry: i can see that. what's it for? 

kramer: i found it on the road. 

jerry: yeah (to buzzer) 

elaine: (from intercom) i just finished working out are you busy? 

jerry: come on up. 

kramer: can you believe somebody threw this out? you know i'm going to make a coffee table out of this and surprise tina. 

jerry: wouldn't it be invisible? i mean, what, are you going to just sense it's in front of the couch? 

kramer: wow 

elaine: hell-oo 

kramer: hell-oo 

jerry: what's with you two? 

elaine: you haven't told him? 

jerry: tell me what? 

elaine: huh, go ahead, tell him. 

kramer: i, i saw her naked. 

elaine: he saw me naked. kramer, ... saw me naked. 

kramer: well, you know, ... it was an accident. 

elaine: who walks into a woman's bedroom without knocking. i want to know! 

kramer: i thought it was a closet. 

jerry: completely naked? 

kramer: completely naked. 

elaine: jerrryyy, how can i go on? 

kramer: all right. i'll tell you what. if it's going to make you feel any better you can see me naked. 

elaine: no thanks! 

kramer: no, i want you to see me naked. 

elaine: no, no no. 

kramer: no, i want to show you. 

elaine: no! jerry! jerry! 

jerry: ok, just a second lets not lose our heads here. kramer you know you are always welcome in my home but as far as mr. johnson is concerned, that's another story. 

elaine: what is this? 

kramer: well, it's a windshield. it's going to be your new coffee table. 

elaine: ah, i'm going to kill myself on that thiing. you can't even see it. 

jerry: you'll sense it. 

jerry: well, what happened? was she there? 

george: no, no she wasn't. 

jerry: you didn't get my papers? 

george: no, i didn't. 

jerry: well, where is she? 

george: a mental institution. 

jerry: why is it so difficult, uncomfortable, to be naked. it's because when you have clothes on you can always kinda make those little adjustments which people like to do ... you feel like you're getting it together, yeah, yeah pretty good (pulling at lapels, pockets etc.) feeling good looking good but when you're naked it's like it's so final you're, well that's it. (no movements) there's nothing else i can do. that's why i like to wear a belt when i'm naked. cause i feel it gives me something, i know i'm naked, but you know, (tugging and lifting belt) i like to get pockets to hang off of the belt that would be, wouldn't that be the ultimate? to be naked and still be able to do this (hand in pocket) i think that would really help a lot. 

jerry: a mental institution? 

kramer: you know what they do in there? did you see coocoo's nest? they put those electrodes in your head. 

george: it's not really a mental institution. it's more like a depression clinic. she went out to woodhaven and checked herself in. i'm, i'm sick over this. 

elaine: who told you this 

george: her roommate. i've driven women to lesbianism before but never to a mental institution. 

kramer: my friend bob sacamano had shock treatments. but his synapses were so large, it had no effect. 

jerry: you know i hate to raise a crass financial concern but was there any information as to the where abouts of my papers! 

george: she put them in her pocket book. she probably took them out there with her. 

jerry: so what now? 

george: i don't know. 

jerry: can we go out there? 

george: where? 

jerry: woodhaven. 

george: we could. 

george: i'm very nervous about this. i've never spoken to a mental patient before. 

jerry: my cousin douglas was in a place like this one time . he came over to my house for dinner. there was no soda and he went bezerk. he was screamin' "where's the pepsi, where's the pepsi?" 

george: i should be in a place like this. i envy this woman. ya' get to wear slippers all day. friends visit. they pity you. pity is very underrated. i like it it's good. plus they give you those word association tests. i love those. 

jerry: that'd be great. there's no wrong answer. 

george: potato 

jerry: tuberculosis 

george: blanket 

jerry: leroy 

george: grass 

jerry: tuberculosis 

george: oh, boy. here she comes. 

elaine: oh, my god. 

elaine: kramer! 

kramer: hey. 

elaine: will you please put something on. 

kramer: listen uh, you want some leftovers? i made some african food. there's, yambalas and uh, sambusa. 

tina: kramer, are you coming back to bed? 

kramer: yeah, yeah, i'll be right there baby. 

tina: oh, hi elaine. (returns elaine's ear rings) what did you think of the coffee table? 

elaine: it's invisible. 

kramer: so, is everything cool? or what? 

tina: yeah, um, you seem little bit dysfunctional. 

elaine: well, 

tina: come on elaine. just tell us the truth. 

elaine: the truth!, you want the truth? 

patrice: who are you? 

george: oh, this is my friend jerry. 

patrice: why are you talking like that? and what do you want? 

jerry: want, want? what could i possibly want? uh, i just came because i, i heard so many nice things about you from george. 

patrice: george thinks i'm pretentious. 

george: pretentious? who, who isn't pretentious? ha, ha, if everyone who was pretentious was in a mental institution, ... uh, obviously this isn't a mental institution. 

patrice: you're just trying to take it all back because you're feeling guilty i'm in here. 

george: no, that's not it at all. 

patrice: don't lie george. 

george : i'm not a lier! 

george: uh, we're cool. everything's cool (to security attendent) 

jerry: just chatting. friendly. 

george: all righty, no reason for us to uh, raise our voices. 

patrice: i know what you said. you can't change that. 

george: what i said? i say stupid things all the time i can't go two minutes without saying stupid things. 

jerry: it's one stupid thing after another. so let me ask you, when you come to one of these places, what do you bring your pocketbook? 

george: you should be the one criticizing me. i, i'm lucky to even know someone like you. 

patrice: you mean that? 

george: of course i mean that. i am incapable of guile. 

jerry: he's never guiled. you know some women keep a lot of important papers in their, uh, pocket books. like for example oh, someone else's personal financial papers. 

patrice: papers? oh, jerry, you're the jerome with the tax problem. you know after that day with george i got so cuckoo i threw out all your papers. so i'd love to help you but i'll need the copies. 

jerry: there are no copies. 

patrice: so are you saying you want to continue seeing me? 

jerry: who makes copies? 

elaine: the truth is ... i think you make ... a very nice couple. 

kramer: oh, 

tina: kramer, 

tina: here kramer? 

kramer: no, lets go to the couch... 

jerry: (on phone)yes, i'm trying to get a copy of a receipt for a computer that i bought there.... it was 1987 ... i remember i talked to a guy - he had like a maroon sport jacket - and he might have had a toupee - oh, it was a weave - ok uh, then i'll come bye ok, bye. 

jerry: anybody want to take a walk down to 48th street? i think i may have tracked down another receipt. 

elaine: i can't. i have to go visit tina in the hospital. 

jerry: george? 

george: i'm going to a poetry reading with patrice first time poets, in a burnt out building, down by the docks, supposed to be good. 

kramer: hey, are you going to the hospital now? 

elaine: yeah, i suppose i am. 

kramer: all right, great, great uh, we'll share a cab. 

jerry: you're going by 48th st. you can give me a ride. 

george: hey, i'm getting in on that. 

elaine: you know you're chippin' in. 

george: you're going that way anyway! 

jerry: i was audited last year. at first i thought well, irs kinda sounds like toys r us maybe won't be so bad. maybe they have a sense of fun about it, you know. but it's it's bad. it's an ordeal. and they don't do anything to keep your spirits up through the ordeal. i think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big lucite sweepstake drums and just kinda crank it around there. you know give me a feeling like you might win something. you know what i mean? then they can pull them out one by one and go "oh, i'm sorry that's another illegal deduction. but we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. jail!" 

[setting: night club] 

jerry: i have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. i don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. my parents live in florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want you to wear one of theirs. you know how that gets? "you need trunks son? i've got trunks for you. you can wear my trunks." fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. it's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. so i get in the water with in thing and it's like floating around me somewhere. did you ever put on a bathing suit that you don't even know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? you bump into somebody you know "no i'm parasailing, i'm waiting for the boat to come back." 

[setting: florida, evening, condo of jerry's parents] 

helen: (looking by the window) they were supposed to be here at 730. call the airlines again. 

morty: (searching in a kitchen drawer) what happened to the scotch tape? who takes the scotch tape? nobody returns anything around here. 

helen: oh i think that's them! 

morty: you what i'll do next time? i'll hide it so nobody can find it. 

all: hi, welcome, greetings, hugs, etc. 

morty: welcome to florida! 

elaine: hi mr. seinfeld! (hug) 

jerry: hey, there's the old man! (hug) 

morty: so, what took you so long? 

jerry: ahh, we waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place. 

helen: i don't know why you had to rent a car. we would have picked you up. 

jerry: what's the difference? 

helen: you could have used our car. 

jerry: i don't wanna use your car. 

helen: what's wrong with our car? 

jerry: nothing. it's a fine car. what if you wanna use it? 

helen: we don't use it. 

morty: what are you talking? we use it. 

helen: if you were using it, we wouldn't use it. 

jerry: so what would you do? you'd hitch? 

helen: how much is a rent-a-car? 

jerry: i don't know. 25 bucks a day. 

helen: what? you're crazy. 

morty: plus the insurance. 

jerry: oh, i didn't get the insurance. 

morty: how could you not get the insurance? 

helen: we'll pay for the car. 

jerry: you're not paying for it. 

helen: morty. (asking him to back her. he doesn't) 

jerry: god it's so hot in here. why don't you put on the air conditioning? 

helen: you don't need the air conditioner. so, you have your speech all ready? 

jerry: it's not a speech. do i have to make a speech? 

helen: of course, they're giving a testimonial for your father. you could do your comic routines. 

jerry: (ironically) oh yeah, that will go over real well with that crowd. 

elaine: (looking by the window) ooh, you have a lake? 

jerry: the lake isn't real. 

helen: the lake is real. 

morty: are you kidding? they built the lake. 

helen: but it's real. it's water. 

helen: where are you going with those? 

jerry: i'm gonna put elaine's stuff in here. 

helen: don't sleep in there. you can you use the bedroom. 

elaine: i can't take your bedroom. 

helen: i'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning. 

elaine: i can't kick you out of your bed. 

helen: we don't even sleep. 

jerry: ma. 

helen: but this is sofa bed, you'll be uncomfortable. 

jerry: (to morty) what about you? 

morty: why should i be comfortable? 

jerry: (to helen) what about him? 

helen: don't worry, he's comfortable. 

morty: i'll sleep standing up. i'll be fine. 

helen: will you stop? 

elaine: yeah, i'll just stay in here. (goes in the guest room) 

helen: jerry, (asking jerry to go in the kitchen so elaine won't hear) jerry. you don't have to stay on the couch on my account. the two of you could stay in there together. 

jerry: na, that's not such a good idea. 

helen: well i tought that... 

jerry: not now. she's right inside. 

helen: (quieter) what happened? 

jerry: i don't know. we decided we don't really work as a couple. 

helen: what does that mean? 

jerry: well... 

morty: (comes to the kitchen and with a loud voice) why are you whispering? 

jerry: shh! nothing, nothing. 

helen: elaine... 

morty: (still loud) what about her? 

jerry: (tries to explain to morty but elaine then comes out of the guest room to get more luggage, so he fakes a conversation) ...but you know, look at the sun-dried tomatoes. where were they five years ago? it just goes to show you. you never know what... huh (waiting for elaine to go back in the guest room) you know... huh... what could happen to a vegetable. it could just take right off at any time. (morty finally gets it. so jerry goes on quieter) we've tried all kind of arrangements, but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together. 

morty: (morty goes on louder! did he ever whisper in any episode? -) why do you need more friends? you've got plenty of friends. 

helen: he's an idealist. 

morty: what the hell are you looking for? 

jerry: i'm looking. that's the point. i like looking. 

helen: he likes looking. 

morty: so look. 

helen: but how long can you look? 

jerry: i'm going for the record. 

helen: you know your father wouldn't say so but he's really glad you came. 

jerry: oh, come on. 

helen: this is a big thing for him. outgoing president of the condo association. 

(knock on door: this is jack and doris, neigboors) 

morty: aha! 

doris: so they arrived safely. 

morty: (to jerry) you remember jack and doris? 

jerry: nice to see you. this is elaine. 

elaine: hi. nice to meet you. 

jack: so jerry, you came all the way down here for this? 

elaine: and scuba diving. 

helen: scuba diving? who's going scuba diving? 

jerry: we're going scuba diving. we'll be back in time. 

helen: what do you have to go scuba diving for? 

jerry: for fun. 

helen: for fun? 

morty: jack have some spong cake. 

jack: no. thanks, no. 

morty: jack is emceeing tomorrow. he's in charge of the whole thing. 

jack: so jerry, your mother told me you're gonna do one your little comedy skits tomorrow? 

jerry: i don't think so. 

jack: no? listen morty you wanna settle up for last night? (morty nods) all right. i owe you 19.45$ (he gets his checks book and a pen from his pocket). 

morty: what did you have? you had the minute steak? 

jack: yeah. 

morty: did you have a coke or what? 

jack: i did not have a coke. 

morty: somebody had a coke. 

helen: oh i had a coke. 

doris: and i had the scampi. 

jack: so that's 17.10$ and the tax and the tip. 

morty: all right. make it 20 bucks. 

jack: it's 19.45$, morty. (he gives him the check) 

morty: 19.45$ ? 

jack: see? you know your father. he can't get a write to the penny, but that's why he was such a good president. 

jerry: what kind of pen is that? 

jack: this pen? 

jerry: yeah. 

jack: this is an astronaut pen. it writes upside down. they use this in space. 

jerry: wow! that's the astronaut pen. i heard about that. where did you get it? 

jack: oh it was a gift. 

jerry: cause sometimes i write in bed and i have to turn and lean on my elbow to make the pen work. 

jack: take the pen. 

jerry: oh no. 

jack: go ahead. 

jerry: i couldn't 

jack: come on, take the pen! 

jerry: i can't take it. 

jack: do me a personal favor! 

jerry: no, i'm not... 

jack: take the pen! 

jerry: i cannot take it! 

jack: take the pen! 

jerry: are you sure? 

jack: positive! take the pen! 

jerry: o.k. thank you very much. thank you. gee, boy! 

helen: jack, what are you doing? 

jack: stop it! 

doris: jack, we should go. (they go to the door) it was nice meeting you. 

elaine: mmm, nice to meet you. 

jerry: thanks again. 

jack: come on! 

doris: (to morty) she's adorable. (they leave) 

helen: (as soon as the door's closed) what did you take his pen for? 

jerry: what he gave it to me. 

helen: you didn't have to take it. 

morty: oh my god! she's gotta make a big deal out of everything. 

jerry: he offered it to me. 

helen: because you made such a big fuss about it. 

jerry: i liked it. should i have said i didn't like it? 

helen: you shouldn't have said anything. what did you expect him to do? (the camera shows elaine shaking her head at their dispute) 

jerry: he could have said "thank you, i like it too" and put it back in his pocket. 

helen: he loves that pen. 

morty: oh come on! 

helen: he talks about it all the time. every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it. 

jerry: if he likes it so much, he never should have offered it. 

helen: he didn't think you'd accpet. 

jerry: well, he was wrong. 

helen: i know his wife. she has some mouth on her. she'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. they're talking about it right now. (again we see elaine smiling at their argument) 

jerry: so you want me to return it? 

helen: yes. 

morty: he's not gonna return the pen. that's ridiculous. 

jerry: hey i don't even want the pen now! 

morty: jack can afford to give away a pen with all his money. believe me. he gives me a check for 19.45. he didn't have a coke. ho, ho, ho! 

elaine: here, let me see it. (she takes a pad to try the pen) hey, it writes upside down. 

[setting: condo's guest room] 

elaine: come in. 

jerry: are you o.k. in here? 

elaine: why is it so hot in here? how can they sleep like this? 

jerry: it's only for three days. today's over and we have tommorow. we leave on sunday. it's one day, really. 

elaine: oh man. what is with this bar? it's right in my back. it's killing me. 

jerry: oh you wanna switch? i'm sleeping on a love seat. i've got my feet up in the air like i'm in a space capsule. 

elaine: i am never gonna fall asleep. 

jerry: oh, no don't say that. you'll jinx me. 

elaine: how can they not put the air conditioning on? 

jerry: they're nuts with temperature. 

elaine: this bar is right in my back! it's making a dent. 

jerry: how about that guy writing a check for 19.45? 

elaine: i'm sweating here. i'm in bed, sweating. 

jerry: it's one day. half a day, really. i mean you substract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes. it will go by like that. (snapping his fingers) 

[setting: condo, morning] 

morty: stay on 95 south to biscayne boulevard. then you make a left turn. put you blinker on immediatly, there's an abutment there. then you're gonna merge over very quickly, but stay on biscayne. don't get off biscayne. you understand me? 

jerry: stay on biscayne. 

helen: you're going underwater? 

jerry: yes. generally that's where scuba diving is done. 

helen: what do you have to go underwater for? what's down there that's so special? 

jerry: what's so special up here? 

elaine: oh! 

helen: what's the matter? 

elaine: my back. 

helen: what happened? 

elaine: that... that bed. the bar was right in my back. 

helen: (to jerry) i told you to let us sleep in there. 

jerry: then you would be hunched over. 

elaine: i don't even know if i can go scuba diving. 

jerry: you can't go? 

helen: so stay home. 

elaine: you can go. 

jerry: without you? that's the whole reason you came down here. 

helen: don't go. 

jerry: you sure? 

morty: maybe you should see a doctor. 

jerry: we'll stay in a hotel tonight. 

elaine: (whispering to jerry) yes! 

helen: no, we'll stay in there. 

jerry: why don't you get a new sofa? 

morty: nobody uses it. 

jerry: i'm buying you a new sofa. 

helen: oh jerry, don't talk crazy. 

elaine: mrs seinfeld, please. i am begging you. put the air conditioner on. 

helen: you're hot? 

elaine: i've lost 6 pounds. 

helen: i don't even know how to work it. 

morty: i keep telling her it's like an oven in here. 

evelyn: is everybody up? 

jerry: hi. how are you? 

evelyn: hello jerry. 

jerry: evelyn, this is elaine. 

elaine: (with pain) hi evelyn. 

evelyn: jerry you got thin. 

jerry: too thin? 

helen: oh stop worrying so much about how you look. 

evelyn: so where's the new pen? (everybody's surprised by this question) 

jerry: (jerry scratches his head and acts like he's not sure what she's talking about) what? 

evelyn: the pen. the one jack klompus gave you. 

helen: how did you know that? 

evelyn: blanche told me. 

helen: blanche? 

evelyn: that's some good pen. it writes upside down. 

elaine: the astronauts use them. 

helen: what did blanche say? 

evelyn: i don't know. she said jerry wanted the pen. 

jerry: i never really wanted the pen. 

morty: he gave him the pen. 

helen: morty. 

evelyn: why you don't like the pen? 

jerry: no, no, i... 

evelyn: cause if you don't like it, give it back to him. 

helen: is that what she said? 

evelyn: who? 

helen: blanche. 

evelyn: what are you talking about? 

helen: hello? oh hello gussy. what? jerry wouldn't do that. jack gave it to him. all he said was he liked it. i mean nobody put a gun to his head. (to jerry) you're giving him back that pen. (she continues the discussion with gussy but we don't hear it.) 

elaine: somebody please-- the air conditioner! 

morty: (morty gets up) oh! i forgot all about it. 

jerry: all i said was "i like the pen". 

morty: how the hell do you work this thing? 

[setting: still the condo, later] 

helen: maybe you shouldn't go tonight. 

elaine: no no, i wanna go. 

helen: but your back hurts. 

morty: maybe a couple of muscle relaxers would help. 

elaine: oh, oh, o.k. (helen holds her sweater tight against herself) you can turn down the air conditioning if you want. 

helen: no. i'm fine. 

elaine: you're not too cold? 

helen: no. 

jerry: don't be alarmed. 

morty: oh my god! what the hell happened to you? 

jerry: i'm o.k. my capillaries burst. 

helen: your capillaries? do you know what you look like? 

jerry: (to elaine on the floor) how are you doing? 

elaine: having a good time! 

jerry: is it my imagination or is it freezing in here? 

helen: what happened to your eyes? 

jerry: well i started to go under... 

helen: with the instructor? 

jerry: yeah, and i got about ten feet down and i felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets. 

helen: i told you... 

jack: excuse me. (to helen) doris would like to borrow red your pocketbook to go with her shoes. (to elaine on the floor) the shoes have to match the pocketbook. (to the others) what's she doing? yoga? 

elaine: my back hurts. 

jack: morty you gotta hurry up. get ready. 

morty: we got plenty of time. 

jack: (to jerry) what happened to you? 

jerry: i got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool. 

helen: it's from scuba diving. 

jack: what's there to see underwater? 

(helen turns to jerry and makes a face like: give him back the pen) 

jerry: listen m. klompus, it was really a nice gesture of you to give me the pen, but i don't really need it. 

jack: you what? 

jerry: i mean it's a terrific pen, but i think you should keep it. (he hands the pen to jack) 

jack: well i mean... 

jerry: take it. 

jack: all right! (he smiles and take it) 

morty: you know jack, you've got a hell of a nerve taking that kid's pen. 

jack: whose pen? 

morty: his pen. 

jack: this happens to be my pen. 

morty: you didn't give it to him. 

jack: what are you talking about? he pratically begged me for it. 

morty: where do you come off with this crap? 

jack: listen, do you think i take everything everybody offers me? you offered me sponge cake yesterday. did i take it? 

morty: you said you didn't want it! 

jack: of course i wanted it! i love sponge cake! 

morty: then who the hell said you couldn't have any? i mean what the hell do i care whether you have sponge cake? 

jack: because i saw the look on your face last week when i took the scotch tape! 

morty: ahh! ahh! so you got the scotch tape! i've been looking all over for it! 

jack: don't worry about it! i'll give it back! 

morty: i don't want it! 

jack: i don't want it! 

morty: you know jack, do me a favor will you? take the pen and the scotch tape, and get the hell out of here! 

jack: listen do you think i give a damn? 

morty: aah! (jack leaves) the nerve of that guy! taking back that pen. well that's it for them. 

jerry: what is going on in this community! are you people aware of what's happening? what is driving you to this behavior? is it the humudity? is it the muzak? is it the white shoes? 

helen: i have no use for either one of them. i don't even want them there tonight. (she still has the pocketbook in her hands) 

jerry: isn't he supposed to be the emcee? 

morty: yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee. 

jerry: well. this should be a very interesting evening. 

elaine: (still on the floor) uh... what about those muscle relaxers? 

[setting: reception room, evening] 

photographer: say astronaut. 

elaine: say what? (laughing) say what? 

jerry: (jerry brings her back) you took too many of those pills. 

morty: astronaut? 

helen: say it. 

jerry, morty and helen: astronaut! 

elaine: (still laughing, she says it just as the picture is taking) astro...naut! 

morty: good. o.k. (the photographer walks away) what about last year when i took him to the hospital every day? did he ever say thank you? 

jerry: oh god. (foreseeing an arm's grabbing as he sees uncle leo entering with his wife stella) 

jerry: (to leo) uncle leo. 

leo: hello! 

stella: morty are you nervous? 

morty: what nervous? 

leo: (to jerry while he's grabbing his arm as usual) what's with the sunglasses? who are you? van johnson? 

jerry: i've got a black eye. 

stella: (to elaine in a childish voice) hello. 

jerry: oh uh, elaine, this is my aunt stella. 

helen: (shouting as she imitates marlon brando) stella! stella! 

jerry: (to stella) her back hurts. 

stella: humm... we saw you on "the tonight show" last week. 

leo: i thought johnny was very rude to you. he didn't even let you talk. 

jerry: no, no. 

leo: you need some new material. i've heard you do that dog routine three times already. 

elaine: (still with her imitation, shouting even louder) stella! stella! 

leo: listen, you should get your cousin jeffrey to write some material for you. 

morty: what are you talking? jeffrey works for the parks department! 

leo: you should read the letters he's written. he's funnier than the whole bunch of you! (jack enters with doris) oh, here's jack. we should sit down. 

stella: (to helen on a sarcastic tone of voice) this better be good. i'm missing "golden girls" for this. 

helen: (laughing hypocritically till stella walks away) i hate her like poison. 

(a few minutes later, the ceremony is about to begin. someone in the crowd yells: "hey jack let's get started!" everyone applause and we see, from left to right, all sitting on the same side of a long table, facing the public stella, leo, elaine, jerry, helen, morty, jack at the microphone, doris, and four other people.) 

jack: (on the microphone) ladies and gentlemen, as you know, every year, phase two of the pines of mark gables honors the previous year president. and this year we are honoring morty seinfeld (the crowd applause and someone yells morty!) a man who slept more hours on the job than ronald reagan. 

morty: (to helen) slept on the job? (she shushed him) 

jack: being president of the condo is not easy. it requires hard work, dedication, and commitment, and unfortunately he possesses none of these qualities. (everyone laugh except jerry, helen, and morty. even elaine who's still druggy) 

helen: (morty complains again to helen) he's joking. 

jack: his administration did excel in one department the hiring of incompetents. 

morty: (to jack, loud) that's what you say. 

jack: but we do owe him a debt of gratitude because by not fixing the crack in the sidewalk, he put mrs ziven out of commission for a few weeks. (morty is now the only one not laughing) 

morty: (loud) tell them when you took my son's pen back. tell them about that! (he gets up) 

jerry: dad! 

morty: (to the crowd) he gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. tell them about that! 

jack: he gave it to me! 

morty: come on. that's enough, sit down! 

jack: i'm not sitting down! 

jack: ow! you broke my dental plate! (jack is touching his dental plate while morty reaches in jack's pocket to get the pen) doris! he broke my dental plate. you son-of-a-bitch! i'm gonna sue you. (he leaves the table and morty follows him and continue arguing with him. jerry now have the microphone in his hands and the crowd begins to think the ceremony is over.) 

helen: jerry, do your act. 

jerry: (in the microphone, but to helen) i can't. nobody's even listening. 

helen: they're all gonna leave. 

jerry: (to himself) oh god! (in the microphone) huh... hey! how you folks doing tonight? (everybody in the crowd is talking over jerry) 

man in the crowd: who are you? 

jerry: (still with his sunglasses) have you ever noticed how they always give you the peanuts on the planes? 

woman in the crowd: (to heckle jerry) not my harry. he flies first class. 

jerry: who ever thought the first thing somebody wants on a plane is a peanut? 

man in the crowd: i'd rather have a bottle of scotch! 

helen: (to jerry) do the dog routine. 

jerry: all i said was i liked the pen! 

elaine: (wakes up and yells very loud) stella! 

[setting: condo, morning] 

chiropractor: you could aggravate it. i wouldn't go anywhere for at least five days. 

elaine: five days? you want me to stay here for five more days? 

jerry: there must be some mistake. 

chiropractor: i'm afraid not. 

elaine: (discouraged) five days. here. 

helen: (to jerry, happily) so we have you for five more days! 

jerry: (to elaine) well there's really no point in me staying. i mean you just gonna be... 

elaine: excuse me? 

jerry: nothing. 

evelyn: good morning. 

jerry: hi evelyn. 

evelyn: (to helen) has morty decided on a lawyer yet? 

helen: i don't think so. 

evelyn: because my nephew larry could do it. he's a brilliant lawyer. he says jack has no case. 

helen: well i'll ask him when he gets up. 

evelyn: oh, and i spoke to arnold. and he says that according to the bylaws of the condo constitution, they need six votes to throw you out for unruly behavior. not five. doctor chernov is the one you'll have to suck up to. 

morty: aw! aw! oh my back! oh my back! it's that bar. who the hell could sleep on that thing? 

helen: i was very comfortable. 

evelyn: morty, arnold says they need six votes to throw you out. 

helen: it's in the constitution. 

morty: (to the chiro) who are you? 

chiropractor: i'm a chiropractor. 

morty: what are you kidding me? 

elaine: (to jerry) five more days? 

jerry: well today's almost over. and weekdays always go by fast. friday we're leaving. it's like two days really. it's like a cup of coffee. it will go by like that. (snapping his fingers) 

[setting: night club, closing monologue] 

jerry: is florida not hot and muggy enough for these people? they love heat. i mean if they ever decide to land men on the sun, i think these old retired guys would be the only ones that will be able to handle it. they'll just sit there on the sun, on the redwood benches, washcloth on the head going "close the door, you're letting all the heat off the sun. i'm trying to get a sweat going." 

jerry: so i'm on the plane, we left late. pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. i thought, well isn't that interesting. we'll just make up time. that's why you have to reset your watch when you land. of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. now, my question is if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? c'mon, there's no cops up here, nail it. give it some gas! we're flying! 

gavin: travelling, of course, is the best education. do you know last year i was in over forty, forty-five countries, and i would have gone to more but i had just got a puppy, and he was too young to take with me. but now i won't travel without him. 

jerry: is he on the plane now? 

gavin: oh yes. yes, he's in the, he's in the baggage compartment. i don't know why they won't let him sit up here with me. he's a lot better behaved than most of the dregs you find onboard here. do you, do you have any pets? 

jerry: uh, just my next door neighbor. 

gavin: you're missing out on a relationship that could enrich your life in ways that you never could have thought possible. 

jerry: howbout picking up their, you know. you find that enriching? 

jerry: what's the matter? 

gavin: oh, i'm feeling a bit queasy. 

attendant #1: sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in chicago and get you to a hospital. 

gavin: my dog. what about my dog? 

attendant #1: uh, you have a dog? 

attendant #2: do you know anyone on the plane, mr. palone? 

gavin: jerry? 

jerry: huh? how you feeling? 

gavin: would you take care of farfel? 

jerry: farfel? 

attendant #2: it's his dog. we're landing in chicago to get him to a hospital, could you take his dog to new york? 

jerry: the dog? the dog?? 

gavin: i'm sure it's only for a day or two. 

jerry: but, you know, what if, you know? 

gavin: give me your address and phone number, i'll call you. 

jerry: the dog? 

jerry: let go, farfel! let go, gimme that! gimme the sneaker you stupid idiot! shut up! (to elaine) so what would you do? 

elaine: well it's only been three days, i'm sure he's gonna call. 

jerry (to farfel): stop it! shut uuuuuup!!! (to elaine) do you believe this? do you believe what i'm dealing with here, i've got a wild animal in the house! he's deranged, maybe he's got rabies. i can get lockjaw. 

elaine: if only. 

jerry: look at this place. he's going everywhere, i can't go out of the house at night. i haven't performed in three days. this'll be my first night out of the house since i got back. 

elaine: hey, when you walk him, do ya... 

jerry: do i what? 

elaine: do you pick it up? 

jerry: yes, i pick it up. 

elaine: you pick it up?!? 

jerry: well you have to. 

elaine: oh, boy would i love to see that. 

jerry: shut up!! shut up farfel, stop it! (to elaine) i don't know what to do. i mean what if i take it to the pound then the guy shows up? 

elaine: maybe you should call the airline, they might know where he is. 

jerry: no, i tried. they don't know anything. (notices elaine making egg creams) you gotta put the syrup in first. 

elaine: no, milk. 

jerry: i'm telling you the guy's a drunk, he's probably on a bender. 

elaine: what is a bender anyhow? 

jerry: i don't know, they drink and they bend things at the bar. 

elaine: i can't believe he hasn't called. 

jerry: two hundred seats on a plane, i gotta wind up next to yukon jack and his dog cujo. shut up! one more day and you are pound bound! 

kramer: sorry, i can't watch the dog tonight. 

jerry: why? 

elaine: we're going to the movies, we're gonna see prognosis negative. 

kramer: i can't, i gotta get this ellen out of my life. 

jerry: you're breaking up? 

kramer: oh ho ho ho yeah, the sooner the better. i can't wait to do it. you know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their feelings? with her, i'm looking forward to it. i'd like to get it on video, watch it in slow motion and freeze frame it. oh ho, yeah. 

elaine: kramer, i don't know how you lasted as long as you did. 

kramer: woah, you didn't like her? 

elaine: if you could see her personality it would be like one of the elephant man exhibits, you know where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps. 

jerry: i can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet. 

kramer: how come you never said anything? 

jerry: well you can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend until after they stop seeing them. 

kramer: i tell you. 

jerry: you. i'm talking about people. 

elaine: are we still going to the movies tonight? 

jerry: no, i can't i gotta watch farfel, you and george can go without me. 

elaine: just me and george? 

jerry: sure. 

elaine: but we need you. 

jerry: what do you need me for? 

elaine: because... yeah? 

george: prognosis negative! (in a funny voice) 

elaine: because i relate to george through you, we're like friends-in-law. besides, you said we were gonna see prognosis negative together. can't you just put some newspapers down or something? 

jerry: no, i can't trust him, he gets insane. i won't enjoy myself. that's right, farfel, i'm talking about you! 

elaine: just me and george alone? 

george: let's go, people, let's go! it's prognosis negative time, wa ha ha ha!!! 

jerry: i can't go. 

george: can't go, why not? 

jerry: because i have to watch idiot farfel. 

george: i thought kramer was watching. 

jerry: he's breaking up with his girlfriend tonight. 

george: well so what's the problem, you just put some newspaper down. 

jerry: no, i don't want that smell in the house. 

george: you spritz a little lysol on it. 

jerry: no, it's like bo and cologne, they combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk. 

george: so we're not going? 

jerry: nah. you two go. 

george: oh. you still wanna go? 

elaine: do, do you? 

george: if you want. 

elaine: it,s, it's up to you. 

jerry: go ahead. 

elaine: well, it's, i really wanted to see prognosis negative with jerry, uh, you wanna see ponce de leon? 

george: ponce de leon? okay. (to jerry) you sure you don't wanna go? 

jerry: i want to but i can't. 

elaine: oh! i tell you what. how about if i come back here first and i clean everything up and i open up the windows and if you're still not satisfied we can switch apartments for the night. 

jerry: no. 

george: what about this-- 

jerry: forget it. go ahead, you'll have a good time. 

elaine: i know, it's not that. 

george: it's just we want you to go. 

jerry: well, thank you very much. i'm telling you, one more day stinkbreath! 

jerry: on my block, a lot of ah, people walk their dogs, and i always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. if aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. if you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge? 

george: so how long did you live there? 

elaine: about three years. 

george: that's pretty long. 

elaine: hmm. 

george: it's not that long, really. 

elaine: yeah. 

george: and then you came here. 

elaine: yeah. so i've been here about six years. 

george (counting on his fingers): eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight, eighty-nine, ninety, ninety-one... yup. 

jerry: bad dog! bad dog! you go outside! outside!! what do you want from me? tell me! money, you want money? i'll give you money, how much?! 

kramer: i must have been out of my mind. look at you. why don't you do something with your life? sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. you're just taking up space. how could i be with someone like you? wouldn't respect myself. 

george: i like herbal tea. 

george: chamomile's good. lemon lift. almond pleasure. 

elaine: jerry likes morning thunder. 

george: jerry drinks morning thunder? 

elaine: yeah. 

george: morning thunder has caffeine in it, jerry doesn't drink caffeine. 

elaine: jerry doesn't know morning thunder has caffeine in it. 

george: you don't tell him? 

elaine (laughing): no. and you should see him, man, he gets all hyper, he doesn't even know why, he loves it! he walks around, going, "god, i feel great!" 

george (laughing): you don't tell him? 

elaine: no. 

george: that is so funny! 

elaine: i know! 

george: wait, have you ever seen him throw up?! 

kramer: please! please!! i take it all back, everything! i take it all back, every word! i love you! i love *you*! i can't live without you, i,ll, i'll do anything! 

jerry: that's right, gavin palone. what? are you sure? he was released on monday? *last* monday? did he leave a phone number or address? unbelievable. well thank you, thanks, thanks very much. (hangs up) that's it, farfel! party's over! start packing up your little squeeze toys buddy boy, you're checking out! 

elaine: it was weird because george and i get along so great in so many situations but this is the first time we ever really went one-on-one. 

jerry: oh, one-on-one's a whole different game. can't pass off. 

elaine: the only time it wasn't uncomfortable was when we were making fun of you. 

jerry: going to the dog pound, everybody! going to the dog pound, come on down. (to elaine) what? 

elaine: do you have to? 

jerry: what am i supposed to do? i don't want to do it. i like dogs. i'm not sure this is a dog. 

elaine: you know, the guy might have just lost your number. 

jerry: i'm in the book and i have a machine. 

elaine: jerry, do you know what they do to dogs at the pound? they keep them there for a week and then if nobody claims them, they kill them. 

jerry: really? how late are they open? 

jerry: what? 

elaine: what is it? 

kramer: i went back with ellen. 

jerry and elaine: ohhhhh, that's great. 

elaine: terrific. 

jerry: yeah, i really think you guys are good together. 

elaine: yes, she understands you and she is not demanding. 

kramer: do you think that i forgot what you two said about her? 

jerry: well i was just trying to be supportive, you know. i knew you were upset. 

kramer: from now on when we pass each other in the hall, i don't know you, you don't know me. 

elaine: oh, kramer, we didn't mean it. 

jerry: what are you doing? 

kramer: i'm getting my pot. 

elaine: kramer, we like her. 

jerry: kramer? what did we say that's so bad? 

elaine: i believe i referred to her personality as a potential science exhibit. 

jerry: i said, "how come no one's killed her?" probably shouldn't have said anything, 

jerry: well. 

elaine: well. 

jerry: everyone knows the first break-up never takes. (answers buzzer) yeah? 

george: prognosis negative! (again in a funny voice) 

jerry: okay, farfel, put your shoes on. 

elaine: jerry, can't you just give it one more day, it's not his fault. 

jerry: it's not my dog, i don't know where this boozehound is. 

elaine: alright, i tell you what. how about if you and george go to the movies, and i stay here and watch the dog tonight. 

jerry: i can't let you do that, what about prognosis negative? 

elaine: we'll see it sunday. 

george: tonight's the night, right? prognosis negative? 

elaine: i'm not going, i'm gonna watch the dog. 

george: what does this mean? 

jerry: well, we'll go see something else tonight. we'll see, uh, ponce de leon. 

george: what is with this dog, i thought we were taking it to the pound. 

jerry: she talked me into one more day. talk amongst yourselves, i'm gonna go to the bathroom. 

george: uh jerry, how long will you be in there? 

jerry: i don't know, regular human time? 

george: uh why don't you wait then go in the movies? 

jerry: why shouldn't i go here? 

elaine: well, you know, i mean, sometimes it's good to get there and make sure you get your seats and then go to the bathroom. 

george: and isn't it more fun using the urinal? 

elaine: yeah. 

jerry: oh yeah, urinals are fun. can i go?! 

george: hey, go. 

elaine: who's stopping you? 

george: what, are you doing me a favor? 

elaine: like we care if you go to the bathroom. 

george: how's it going? 

elaine: good. good. you? 

george: things are good. 

elaine: boy, he takes such a long time. 

george: i know. 

elaine: you know what he does in there? he gargles. 

george: jerry gargles? is that why he takes so long? 

elaine: yeah, he does it like six times a day. 

george: how come we never hear him? 

elaine: because he does it quiet. he does it quiet. lookit, just like this, watch. 

george: wait, wait, did you ever see him throw up?! 

elaine: we talked about that already. 

george: oh. 

george: i have nothing to say to anybody. i'm so uninteresting. i think i'm out of conversation. 

jerry: so what are calling me six times a day? 

george: all i know about is sports. that's it. no matter how depressed i get, i could always read the sports section. 

jerry: i could read the sports section if my hair was on fire. 

george: know what? ponce de leon is sold out. 

jerry: it is? oh yeah, you're right. what else is playing? 

george: nothing except prognosis negative. 

jerry: boy, i know she really wants to see that with me. 

elaine: gimme the jacket, furface, this is not seinfeld you're dealing with! when i get through with you, you'll be begging to go to the pound! 

elaine: shut up. shut up! (answers phone) hello? no, who's calling? oh my god, the dog guy. where have *you* been? yeah, well you better pick up your dog tonight or he has humped his last leg. 

george: i mean, i could understand if there was something else playing, but it's this or nothing. 

jerry: i don't know what to do. 

george: what is this 'saving movies' thing? something's playing, you go. 

jerry: i know, i know. 

george: so, what? we're gonna do nothing now, this is crazy. 

jerry: it is kind of silly. 

george: of course it is. 

jerry: i mean, it's just a movie, for god's sake. 

george: exactly. 

jerry: it's not like she's *in* the movie. 

george: right. 

jerry: am i supposed to ruin the whole night because she wants to see it? i mean, if i could have seen it with her, fine. but i can't control all these circumstances and schedules and peoples' availabilities at movies. 

george: and she'll still see it, you're not stopping her from seeing it. 

jerry: how does sitting next to a person in a movie theater increase the level of enjoyment? you can't talk during a movie. you know, this is stupid, c'mon, let's just go. 

george: good. 

jerry: saving movies. 

george: ridiculous! 

jerry: two for prognosis negative. i'm in big trouble. 

george: oh, you're dead. 

gavin: bell's palsy. the entire side of my, of, of my face was paralyzed. farfel! i couldn't, i couldn't, i couldn't even feed myself, i was completely incapacitated. quiet farfel! 

jerry: you know it's interesting, because i called the hospital and they said you were released on monday. 

gavin: yes, yes, that's true, but then i was taken to the bell's palsy center in, in, in, in rockford. absolutely first, first rate facility, top notch physicians. 

kramer: hey, c'mon, c'mon, get off me! 

gavin: he won't hurt you, he's just playing. 

kramer: hey you keep that mutt away from me. 

gavin: mutt? i'll wager his parents are more pure than yours. 

ellen: kramer, are you coming? 

jerry: oh, hi ellen. 

ellen: get in here. 

jerry: listen, it's really been a pleasure taking care of your dog for a week, but if you don't mind... 

gavin: pre-prediction. you'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit him before the month is out. 

jerry: prediction. i never see you or him again for the rest of my life. 

elaine: we made plans. 

jerry: why don't we just rent a movie? 

elaine: i thought you wanted to see prognosis negative. 

jerry: no, it&mac226;s, it's supposed to be really bad, *really* bad. i mean it's long, there's no story, it's so unbelievably boring, i heard. i... 

elaine: jerry, you promised me we'd go. 

jerry: well, george told me the whole story, line for line, i mean i almost feel like i've seen it already and walked out on it. 

elaine: wait, george saw the movie? i saw him yesterday, he didn't mention it. 

jerry: you and george got together? 

elaine: yeah, i wanted to talk about how we have nothing to talk about. 

jerry: hello. 

kramer: hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. 

jerry: what's up? 

kramer: well, ah you were right. 

jerry: about what? 

kramer: ellen. we, uh, broke up again. 

jerry and elaine, together: awwwwww. 

jerry: too bad. 

elaine: i thought she was the one. 

kramer: i'll bring back the pot. 

elaine: okay, c'mon it's movie time. 

kramer: hey, what are you gonna see? 

jerry: prognosis negative. 

kramer: hey, that's supposed to be great. 

jerry: it's not. 

kramer: how do you know? 

jerry: i have an instinct for these things. 

jerry: i had a parakeet when i was a kid, that was the only pet that i really enjoyed. we used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around and my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. she felt this gives you a feeling of space. have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? what kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "hey look, there's a whole nother room in there. there's a guy in there looks just like me." but the parakeet will fall for this, you'll let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, bang! with his little head, he would just go 'click' ohh! and i'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet? 

jerry: does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual social life? he's always talking about dates and women that he knows and bringing them back to the suitcase at night, there's always a sawdust joke in there somewhere you know, kinky things cuz he's made out of wood an' he can spin his head around, we're somehow expected to believe because the face is soo animated that they think we aren't noticing that the feet are just swinging there, dummy feet never look right do they? they're just kinda dangling there, always kinda askew you know? you always see just little ankle, those thin fabric ankles that they have you know. ya think 'i don't think this thing is real.' 

jerry: let me speak with the head librarian. ... because it's absurd. an overdue book from 1971? ... this is a joke right? what are you? from a radio station? 

kramer: enters 

jerry: ya' got me i fell for it. alright, ok i can be down there in like a half hour. bye. 

kramer: what's the problem? 

jerry: this you're not goin' to believe. the nypl says that i took out tropic of cancer in 1971 and never returned it. 

kramer: do you know how much that comes to? that's a nickel a day for 20 years. it's going to be $50,000 

jerry: it doesn't work like that. 

kramer: if it's a dime a day it could be $100,000 

jerry: it's not going to be anything. i returned the book. i remember it very vividly because i was with sherry becker. she wore this orange dress. it was the first time i ever saw her in a dress like that. in oticed since ninth grade she was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for like two years. and then one day ... 

jerry: that orange dress is burned in my memory 

kramer: oh, memory burn. 

jerry: i wonder what ever happened to her. 

kramer: how did they ever find you? 

jerry: oh, computers, they're cracking down now on overdue books. the whole thing is completely ridiculous. 

jerry: it's george. wait 'til he hears we're going to the library 

kramer: you know i never got a library card. 

jerry: (to speaker) coming down. 

kramer: it's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. people sitting around reading the newspaper attached to huge wooden sticks trying to save a quarter, ooh, 

jerry: i gotta go to the library. you want to go? 

kramer: yeah, 

kramer: the dewey decimal system, what a scam that was. boy that dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal. 

jerry: where's george 

reader: shhh. 

kramer: tryin' to save a quarter. 

jerry: i kinda like those sticks. i'd like to get them in my house. 

jerry: this woman's completely ignoring me. 

kramer: look at her. this is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. ... spinster. ... maybe a virgin. ... maybe she got hurt a long time ago. she was a schoolgirl. there was a boy it didn't work out. now she needs a little tenderness. she needs a little understanding. she needs a little kramer. 

jerry: eventually a little shot of penicillin 

librarian: yes? 

jerry: yeah i called before. i got his notice in the mail. 

librarian: oh, tropic of cancer, henry miller, uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer mr. bookman. 

kramer: bookman? the library investigator's name is actually, bookman? 

librarian: it's true. 

kramer: that's amazing. that's like an ice cream man named, cone. 

librarian: lt. bookman has been working here for 25 years so i think he's heard all the jokes. 

jerry: can i speak with this bookman? 

librarian: just a second. 

george: jerry, jerry 

jerry: what? 

george: i think i saw him. i think it's him. 

jerry: who? 

george: did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obsenities and doing some calesthetics routine 

jerry: yeah. 

kramer: yeah 

george: i think that's mr. hayman. ...the gym teacher from our high school. 

reader: shhh. 

jerry: (whispers) haymen, are you sure? 

george: he's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle, but i think it's him. 

jerry: george got him fired. he squealed on him. 

kramer: ooh tattle tale 

george: (yells) i didn't tattle 

reader: shh shh 

kramer: what did this guy do? what happened? 

george: there was an incident. i'd rather not discuss it. 

kramer: oh come on, you can tell me. 

george: some other time. 

kramer: what tonight? 

kramer: y'know i never figured you for a squealer. 

jerry: oh, he sang like a canary. 

librarian: mr. bookman's not here. 

jerry: not here? why was i told to come down here? 

librarian: he'll be out all afternoon on a case. 

kramer: he's out on a case? he actually goes out on cases? 

jerry: well what am i supposed to do now? 

librarian: i'll have mr. bookman get in touch with you. 

jerry: all right thanks. come on lets go 

george: let's see if it's hayman? 

kramer: hey, uh, i'll see you boys later. (turns to librarian) so uh, what's a guy got to do around here to get a library card? 

elaine: where's karen? 

secretary: she went to pick up lunch. 

elaine: well, she didn't ask me what i wanted. 

secretary: she must have forgot. 

elaine: how could she forget i've been ordering lunch every day here for 3 and a half years? 

secretary: i don't know anything. 

elaine: ah, you don't know anything. you see, "i don't know anything", means there's something to know. if you really didn't know anything you would have said "you're crazy." 

elaine: oh, hi mr. lippman. 

lippman: elaine, 

elaine: um, uh, i was wondering if you got a chance to look at that , um, biography of columbus, i gave you? 

lippman: yes i did. yes i did. ... maureen this water is still too cold. 

elaine: ooh yeah, it's freezing. ... hurts your teeth. 

elaine: i'm tellin' ya' somethin' is goin' on. he never likes anything i recommend. and then that lunch thing. 

jerry: so they forgot to get your lunch. big deal! 

elaine: what do you know. you've never worked in an office. (turns to george) see, george, you've worked in an office. jerry thinks i'm over reacting but you understand, ... lunch! 

george: i don't understand lunch, i don't know anything about lunch. listen. just because i got the guy fired doesn't mean i turned him into a bum - does it? 

elaine: what did he do? 

george: he purposely mispronounced my name. instead of saying, "costanza" he'd say, "can't stand ja". "can't stand ja" ... he made me smell my own gym socks once. 

jerry: i remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. and the straps were hangin' down by his ,... 

george: ok, ok, i never even had him for gym. 

jerry: i had him for hygene. remember his teeth. it was like from an exhumed corpse. 

george: little baked beans 

jerry: echh 

elaine: come on tell me what happened. 

george: well, ok. as i said the guy had it in for me. he actually failed me in gym. ... me! 

george: ... those spastic shnitzer twins ... 

heyman: can't stand ja ... can't stand ja 

george: yes, mr. hayman 

heyman: your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class. 

george: well i guess that's because i wear boxer shorts. 

heyman: boxer shorts, ha ha, well what brand? 

george: i'm not really sure, i... 

heyman: well let's take a look. 

george: he gave me a wedgie. 

jerry: he got fired the next day. 

elaine: why do they call it a wedgie? 

george: because the underwear is pulled up from the back and ... it wedges in.. 

jerry: they also have an atomic wedgie. now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. very rare. 

elaine: boys are sick. 

jerry: well what do girls do ? 

elaine: we just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder. guy who ruined his life. 

george: i gotta go back to the library and talk to him. i gotta find out if i&mac226;m the guy who ruined his life. 

kramer: hey babaloo, you better get home. you know this guy bookman from the library he's waiting for ya. 

jerry: what's amazing to me about the library is it's a place where you go in you can take out any book you whant they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. it reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everbody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. that's what the library is. a government funded pathetic friend. and that's why everybody kinds of bullies the library. i'll bring it back on time ... i'll bring it back late. ... oh, what are you going to do? charge me a nickel? 

jerry: oh, i'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. would you like a cup of tea? 

bookman: you got any coffee? 

jerry: coffee? 

bookman: yeah. coffee. 

jerry: no, i don't drink coffee. 

bookman: yeah, you don't drink coffee? how about instant coffee? 

jerry: no, i don't have-- 

bookman: you don't have any instant coffee? 

jerry: well, i don't normally-- 

bookman: who doesn't have instant coffee? 

jerry: i don't. 

bookman: you buy a jar of folger's crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. then later on when you need it, it's there. it lasts forever. it's freeze-dried. freeze-dried crystals. 

jerry: really? i'll have to remember that. 

bookman: you took this book out in 1971. 

jerry: yes, and i returned it in 1971. 

bookman: yeah, '71. that was my first year on the job. bad year for libraries. bad year for america. hippies burning library cards, abby hoffman telling everybody to steal books. i don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. rock was never my bag. but you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the new york public library, fella. 

jerry: look, mr. bookman. i--i returned that book. i remember it very specifically. 

bookman: you're a comedian, you make people laugh. 

jerry: i try. 

bookman: you think this is all a big joke, don't you? 

jerry: no, i don't. 

bookman: i saw you on t.v. once; i remembered your name--from my list. i looked it up. sure enough, it checked out. you think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law? 

jerry: certainly not. 

bookman: well, let me tell you something, funny boy. y'know that little stamp, the one that says "new york public library"? well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. one whole hell of a lot. sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. i've seen your type before flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. yeah, i know what you're thinking. what's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? well, let me give you a hint, junior. maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. maybe. sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the cat in the hat and the five chinese brothers? doesn't he deserve better? look. if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. this is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! or maybe that turns you on, seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. you and your good-time buddies. well i got a flash for ya, joy-boy party time is over. y'got seven days, seinfeld. that is one week! 

kramer: what's wrong? 

marion: it's bookman the library cop. 

kramer: so i, i didn't do anything wrong. 

marion: i'm supposed to be at work. i could get fired. i shouldn't have come here. 

kramer: why don't ya' leave? 

marion: i can't. 

jerry: no way i'm payin' that! i returned that book in 1971. i have a witness sherry becker. she wore an orange dress. she gave me a piece of black jack gum. it's a licorice gum. what do ya' think of next i remember it. (thinks out loud, opens phone book) becker, ... becker, ... 

sherry: kevin went to a public school, he's the 14 year old? we were gonna' send marsha to a private school. cause in some way they don't learn ... enough ... i think. 

jerry: so sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library? 

sherry: i remember it like it was yesterday. it was a friday afternoon. i wore a purple dress. 

jerry: purple? ya' sure it wasn't orange? 

sherry: positive. and i was chewin' dentyne. i always chewed dentyne. remember jerry? dentyne? 

jerry: no black jack? 

sherry: uch! licorice gum? never! we were ah, reading pasages to each other from that henry miller book, 

jerry: tropic of cancer. 

sherry: no, tropic of capricorn 

jerry: tropic of capricorn? 

sherry: rememba? what holds the world togetha' ... "as i have learned from bitter experience is sexual intercourse ." 

jerry: wait a second. wait a second. you're right. i had both of them. 

jerry: george, here's the book. don't let anybody see it. don't let anything happen to it. 

george: jerry, it's me, george, don't worry, i'll return it 

jerry: ok, i'll see you after school. i.m late for hayman's hygiene. 

sherry: where ya' going? 

jerry: it was nice seeing you again. i just remembered something. i've got to go. (to old man that enters) it was george! 

kramer: read another poem. 

marion: pressed chest fleshed out west might be the saviour or a garden pest. 

kramer: wow, that is great. you should be published. 

kramer: you know, the library is kind of a cool place when it's closed. 

marian: oh, yeah. you don't have to be quiet. listen to the echo hello! 

kramer: hello! 

marian: hello! 

kramer: hello! 

marian: hello! 

bookman (emerging): hello! 

marian (turning, surprised): mr. bookman. 

bookman: i remember when the librarian was a much older woman kindly, discreet, unattractive. we didn't know anything about her private life. we didn't want to know anything about her private life. she didn't have a private life. while you're thinking about that, think about this the library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. this is your final warning. got that, kewpie-doll? 

elaine: lippman want's to see me in his office see me! that can't be good 

jerry: maybe you're getting' a raise. 

elaine: maybe i'm getting' a wedgie. 

elaine: what? 

george: it's george 

elaine: george is on his way up. 

jerry: wait 'til i tell him about the book. 

kramer: (reading) sobs 

elaine: are you ok? what? what? 

kramer: it's marion's poetry. i can't take it (leaves sobbing) 

elaine: remember that biography i recommended? my boss hated it 

jerry: i'm right here. 

elaine: remember that columbus book? 

jerry: columbus, euro trash. 

george: well, it's definetly him. 

elaine: him? him who? 

george: him who? hayman him. 

elaine: hayman the gym teacher? you found him? 

george: oh, i found him. he was sitting on the steps of the library. i sat down next to him. he smelled like the locker room after that game against erasmus 

jerry: that was double overtime. 

george: so i said, "mr. hayman, it's me george costanza, jfk, ... " he doesn't move. so i said uh, "can't stand ya'", "can't stand ya'" he turns and smiles, the little baked bean teeth. i get up to run away, but something was holding me back. it was heyman. he had my underwear. there i was on the steps of the 42nd st. library , a grown man, getting a wedgie. 

elaine: at least it wasn't atomic. 

george: it was. 

jerry: so georgie boy, guess what happened to tropic of cancer 

george: how should i know? 

jerry: because i gave it to you. 

george: me? 

jerry: yeah, think. don't you remember you kept begging me to see it then finally i agreed. you were supposed to return it. i met you in the gym locker room. 

george: the locker room! 

jerry: here's the book. don't let anybody see it. don't let anything happen to it. 

george: jerry, it's me, george, don't worry, i'll return it tomorrow, no problem. 

jerry: all right, i'll see you after school. i,,m late for hayman's hygiene. 

heyman: can't stand ya'. 

george: yes mr. hayman. 

heyman: your underwear was stick'n out of your shorts during gym class. 

george: well i guess that's because i wear boxer shorts. 

heyman: boxer shorts, ha? well what brand? 

george: i'm not really sure, i... 

heyman: well let's take a look. 

george: (shouting) no no no! 

jerry: anyway, i hope there's no hard feelings. 

bookman: hard feelings? what do you know about hard feelings? y'ever have a man die in your arms? y'ever kill somebody? 

jerry: what is your problem? 

bookman: what's my problem? punks like you, that's my problem. and you better not screw up again seinfeld, because if you do, i'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle. 

jerry: (after bookman exits) that is one tough monkey! (turns to elaine) so you were saying? 

elaine: oh? so, i took your suggestion and i gave my boss marion's poems. the ones that affected kramer so much. 

jerry: oh, beautiful did he like them? 

elaine: no, ... he didn't! no, ... he didn't! 

jerry: (to george) was he out there? 

george: na, he's gone. i wonder what happened to him. 

jerry: i guess we'll never know. 

heyman: can't stand ya, (laughing) can't stand ya. (pan to tropic of cancer on ground) 

jerry: any day that you had gym it was a weird school day, you know what i mean because it kind of like started of kind of normal. you have like english, geometry, social studies and then suddenly you're like in lord of the flies for 40 minutes you know you're hangin' from a rope. you have hardly any clothes on. teachers are yellin' at ya' "where's your jock strap?" ya' know and kids are throwin' dodge balls at you. you're tryin' to survive ... then its history, science, language. there's something off in the entire flow of that day. 

[act one scene a int. escalator - going down to a garage. in single file: george, jerry and elaine, who's carrying a plastic bag with goldfish, and kramer who's having a rough time with a large, heavy box.] 

george: one left...what a joke. 

kramer: you can have this one. 

george: no, that's not enough btus for my living room...that was a complete waste of time. 

elaine: hey, i didn't get one either. 

jerry: why do i always have the feeling that everybody's doing something better than me on saturday afternoons? 

elaine: this is what people do. 

jerry: no they don't. they're out on some big picnic. they're cooking burgers. they're making out on blankets. they're not at some mall in jersey watching their friends trying to find the world's cheapest air-conditioner. 

george: you should see what my father used to go through before he bought a car. he'd go from state to state. he was away for weeks at a time. it was like he was running for president and he was going through the primaries. we'd get phone calls from motels in new hampshire. 

elaine: so we took a little ride. what's the big deal? 

george: well at least you accomplished something. you got fish. 

jerry: big accomplishment. 

george: fish. what do they do? 

elaine: what do you do? 

kramer: it's this way. 

george: what time is it? 

jerry: five o'clock. 

george: always late. always late. 

jerry: you're not late. 

george: i told them to meet me in front of my building at six-fifteen. 

elaine: who? 

george: my parents. it's their anniversary. i'm taking them out to dinner and a show tonight. you think we'll hit traffic? 

jerry: of course we'll hit traffic. it's rush hour. 

elaine: isn't it going the other way? 

jerry: there is no other way in new york. everybody goes every way all the time. 

elaine: but it's saturday. 

jerry: you got the picnic and burger traffic. 

george: i always get myself in this position. can't be on time. gotta rush. 

elaine: what's the matter? 

jerry: i have to go to the bathroom. why do they hide the bathroom in these malls? 

jerry: (cont'd) you want me to help you with that? 

kramer: no, no, i got it. 

jerry: (to george, rewoman) what do you think, georgie boy? 

george: did i need that pointed out for me? what is that going to do for me? how does that help me, to see her? i'm trying to live my life. don't show me that. 

kramer: if you like her, go talk to her. 

george: yeah, right. i'll just go up and say, "hi, how ya' doing? would you like a glass of white wine?" jerry before you got within twenty feet of this woman, she'd have her finger on the mace button. she's like an expensive car with one of those motion-sensor force field alarms. any sudden movement in the area could set her off. 

kramer: she's fat. 

elaine: oh she's fat? 

elaine: what? jerry where's the car? 

kramer: i thought it was here. 

george: you don't know where we parked? 

george: oh, this is great. 

kramer: blue-one. i thought it was blue-one. 

jerry: i thought it was green. i remember seeing green. 

elaine: i didn't pay attention. 

george: this is just what i need. 

elaine: i'm sure it's right around here. 

kramer: it looks familiar. i remember the elevator. 

george: there's elevators all over! it all looks the same. 

jerry: it's over there. i know where it is. 

elaine: it's black, right? 

kramer: dark blue. 

george: (mumbling) you come to a parking lot, you write it down. how hard is that? 

jerry: there it is!...no, no that's a toyota. 

jerry: (cont'd) hmmm...i thought it was... 

kramer: didn't we come in over there? 

jerry: i thought it was over there. 

elaine: how long can fish live in one of these plastic bags? 

kramer: about two hours. 

elaine: (she looks at her watch) you'd better find this car. 

george: it's this way... and they take off again, pairing off 

jerry: i really have to go to the bathroom. 

kramer: why don't you go behind one of these cars? j 

kramer: (cont'd) why? nobody's around. 

jerry: i'll wait. 

kramer: you know when you hold it in like that you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. that's what happens to truck drivers. they hold it in all the time. eventually it starts coming out involuntarily. 

jerry: alright. 

kramer: jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a six hundred million dollar a year industry? 

jerry: maybe i should just go anytime i get the urge like you...wherever i am. there's too much urinary freedom in this society. i'm proud to hold it in. it builds character. 

elaine: (re car) there it is!...no that's not it. 

elaine: (cont'd) hey, watch it. ...did you see that car? maniac. can you explain something to me? i got six questions wrong on my drivers test. that's the maximum. i read the book, i'm a college graduate. this is a country where fifty percent of its high school students can't locate europe on a map. how are they all passing that test? it's a mystery. 

george: ...six wrong? 

elaine: those school zones are a killer. 

jerry: (to kramer, rebox) will you let me help you with that? 

kramer: i'm gonna put it down behind that car. 

jerry: you're not worried somebody's gonna pee on it? 

kramer: (to george) pink eleven. remember that. 

george: oh i got it. (to jerry) that i'm supposed to remember. where the car is, that's insignificant. 

elaine: (looking at fish) i think they're laboring. 

kramer: look at this place. it's huge... 

george: i can tell you this. if i am not in front of my house at six-fifteen, when my parents get there, they will put me on an aggravation installment plan that will compound with interest for decades. 

jerry: parents never forget a foul-up. i once left a jacket on the bus when i was fourteen. last week i'm flying to chicago to do a show, "make sure you hang on to your jacket." 

george: where the hell is this car, kramer? 

kramer: it's got to be here. 

elaine: why are they using so many colors? and the numbers go up to forty. 

jerry: maybe it's not on this level. 

george: what? 

jerry: there are four different levels. maybe we're on the wrong level. how long was the escalator ride up? 

elaine: it felt like a couple of levels. 

jerry: you should always carry a pad and pen. 

george: i can't carry a pen. i'm afraid i'll puncture my scrotum. 

kramer: i have a pen. 

jerry: where was the bathroom in this mall? there are six-hundred stores, i didn't see one bathroom. what is this, like a joke? they finished building the mall and they go, "oh my god, we forgot the bathrooms." 

mother: (o.c.) don't you dare talk to me like that! you hear me? 

elaine: look at that woman. 

mother: i told you! i don't care! you'll have to wait. 

george: (to woman) hey, is that necessary? 

mother: (to george) why don't you mind your own business? 

george: i think hitting a defenseless child is my business. 

kid: (to george) you're ugly. 

george: ...what? 

kid: you're ugly. 

george: you are! 

kid: you are! 

george: i should've hit the little son-of-a-bitch. i can't stand kids. adults think it's so wonderful how honest kids are. i don't need that kind of honesty. i'll take a deceptive adult over an honest kid any day. 

kramer: (re car) i found it! 

elaine: he's got it. 

kramer: oh...no. 

jerry: all right, that's it. from now on no more calling out they found it, unless we're sitting in it. okay? 

elaine: jerry, look at my fish. 

jerry: his eyes look a little cloudy. 

george: oh are they gonna be furious. 

jerry: who's got the tickets? george i do. (to kramer) i thought you knew this mall. you said you'd been here before! 

kramer: it was easy the last time. 

elaine: my fish are dying right in front of me! we have to get someone to drive us around the parking lot to help us look for the car. 

jerry: no one's going to do that. 

elaine: excuse me, we can't seem to find our car. i was wondering if it would be possible if you're not in a hurry, to drive us around the garage for five minutes so we can look. 

man #1: (holding his hands up) ...sorry. 

elaine: five minutes. 

man #1: can't do it. 

elaine: we're not wilding. 

elaine: (cont'd) excuse me - i can't seem to find my car - do you think you could drive me... 

elaine: (cont'd) oh that's funny? is that funny? well tell me if you think this is funny these fish are dying! they're gasping for oxygen right now! they'll be floating in an hour. is that funny too? 

jerry: those are really ugly sneakers. where did you get those? 

kramer: right here at the mall. 

elaine: excuse me... 

elaine: (cont'd) sorry to have disturbed you. terribly sorry. but the fish will be dead. you do know that. they can't live in plastic. that's not me talking, that's science. 

jerry: it's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. all i have to do is walk into a department store and it's like some kind of horse laxative just kicked in. 

kramer: you drank a whole bottle of water. 

jerry: i know. 

kramer: so why don't you just go? 

jerry: no i can't. 

kramer: don't you get tired of following rules? 

jerry: you think i'm too cautious? 

kramer: why be uncomfortable if you don't have to? it's organic. 

jerry: organic. so's buddy hackett. 

kramer: buddy hackett? 

jerry: he's a comedian. 

kramer: i know. 

jerry: all right. all right. 

kramer: (pointing) you can go over here. 

jerry: i can manage. 

kramer: (turns away and spots george) george! (leaves scene) 

kramer: it'll take you ten seconds. 

jerry: okay, okay. i'll be right back. 

security guard: okay, let's go. come with me. 

jerry: but... 

security guard: come on. 

jerry: (starts to leave, to himself) ...kramer 

jerry: i've had this condition since i was eleven! i've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. i have no control over it. doctors have told me that when i feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. otherwise, i could die. 

security guard: well you're still not allowed. 

jerry: do you hear what i'm saying to you?! i'm telling you that if i don't go, i could die. die. is it worth dying for? 

security guard: that's up to you. 

jerry: so you don't care if i die. 

security guard: what i care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility. 

jerry: it was life and death. 

security guard: uh huh. 

jerry: oh i'm lying. why would i do it unless i was in mortal danger? i know it's against the law. 

security guard: i don't know. 

jerry: because i could get uromysitisis poisoning and die. that's why!...do you think i enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...you know i have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. 

jerry: (c0nt'd) him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place. you want to call the department of social services? oh, it's saturday. they're closed today. my luck. 

security guard: you can tell the police all about it. 

kramer: (calling out) jerry! 

elaine: jerry! 

george: unbelievable, i'm never gonna get out of here. the guy goes to pee, he never comes back. it's like a science fiction story. 

elaine: maybe he went to one of the other levels. i'll go look for him. 

george: oh now you're gonna go? elaine i'll be back in five minutes. 

george: if you go now, i know what's gonna happen. we'll find the car, jerry will show up, and then we'll never find you. 

elaine: no, no, i'll be back. 

george: oh what's the difference? we'll all be dead eventually. 

kramer: does that bother you? 

george: yeah, it bothers me. doesn't it bother you? 

kramer: not at all. 

george: see now that bothers me even more than dying bothers me, cause it's people like you who live to be a hundred and twenty because you're not bothered by it. how could it not bother you? 

kramer: i once saw this thing on t.v. with people who are terminally ill. and they all believed the secret of life is just to live every moment. 

george: yeah, yeah. i've heard that. meanwhile i'm here with you in a parking garage, what am i supposed to do? 

jerry: first of all you don't even know technically that i went. that's for starters. i mean i could've been pouring a bottle of water out there. you don't know. 

security guard: i know what you did. 

jerry: oh really, do you? well it just so happens that i did pour water out. i had a bottle of very tepid water and i poured it out. and i could see how you made a mistake, because pouring water out sounds very much like a person urinating. 

jerry: (cont'd) and you know when you think about it it's really quite an amusing case of mistaken identity. that's all it is. 

security guard: yeah i'm sure. 

jerry: you know this is not the first time this has happened to me. i always carry water because of my condition. it dehydrates me. it's a vicious cycle. 

elaine: and now he's gone. i'm sure he's looking for the car. five minutes, that's all. i just want to find him. 

man #1: i can't do it. 

elaine: but why? why can't you do it? 

man #1: i can't. 

elaine: no, see that's not a reason you can't. you just don't want to. 

man #1: that's right. 

elaine: but why? why don't you want to? 

man #1: i don't know. 

elaine: but wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out? 

man #: 1 no, i wouldn't. 

jerry: (a new tack) all right, all right. i want to apologize. i was frightened, i said crazy things. i obviously offended you. i insulted your intelligence. the uromysitisis, the water bottle...i made it all up, and now...i'm going to tell you the truth. today my father and mother are celebrating their fiftieth, well i'm jumping ahead here, their forty-seventh wedding anniversary. we made arrangements to spend the evening together. they are supposed to be in front of my building at six-fifteen. 

jerry: (cont'd) what i haven't told you, or anyone else for that matter, is that my father's been in a red chinese prison for the past fourteen years. 

kramer: the guy's got a fat fetish. spector never dates a woman under two hundred-fifty pounds. 

george: (not interested) really. 

kramer: what does he do with all that fat? does he just jump up and down on it? does he gouge it like killer kowalski? 

george: who's killer kowalski? 

kramer: he was a wrestler. he would grab hold of someone's stomach and just squeeze it until they gave. 

george: i've gotta go to the bathroom. 

kramer: so go. george here? 

kramer: (shaking his head) you and jerry. 

george: don't you believe me? it's their fiftieth anniversary. you know this is gonna kill him. you're aware of that. kill him. on the biggest night of his life... 

security guard: oh your folks have an anniversary today too? 

jerry: (to george) was he also in a red chinese prison? 

george: (to jerry, somewhat impressed) a red chinese prison? 

kramer: george! george! 

elaine: jerry! (then she checks her fish) 

jerry: well what happened was my father was staying in the home of one of red china's great military leaders, general chang, who by the way came up with the recipe for general chang's chicken. you know, the one with the red peppers and orange peel at szechwan gardens? george sure, i have it all the time. very spicy. 

jerry: well general chang was a very flamboyant man. a complete failure as a general, but a helluva cook. 

elaine: (o.c.) jerry! jerry elaine?! 

elaine: (o.c.) jerry! over here... 

elaine: (cont'd) where have you been? 

jerry: i was arrested for urinating. 

george: (proudly) me too. 

elaine: you what? 

jerry: i have uromysitisis. it's very serious you know. 

elaine: look at my fish... (jerry examines it) is he... 

jerry: no, but he's not looking good... (elaine turns to two huge body builders in workout wear) 

elaine: (desperate) please, we can't find our car. please drive us around the parking lot to find our car. my fish are dying. 

man #2: can't do it. 

elaine: i can see not caring what happens to us, we're human. but what about the fish? the fish? 

man #3: sorry. (they keep walking.) 

elaine: that's right, go. go home to your dumbbells. work on your pecs. i'm really impressed. 

elaine: (cont'd) that's right you heard me. you got a problem with that? 

george: elaine, shut-up. 

jerry: hey, where's kramer? 

george: i don't know. (to elaine) where's kramer? 

elaine: i thought he was with you. 

george: see, i knew it. i knew this was gonna happen... 

george: (cont'd) look at the time, that's it. 

elaine: have we looked over there? have we checked that side? 

george: we came in over there! 

elaine: we didn't come in over there! 

jerry: where's kramer? 

jerry: hey george, there she is again. ... 

george: so what do you want me to do? 

jerry: ask her to drive us around. there's your opening. 

george: that is an opening. 

george: (cont'd) excuse me...i really... what's happened is that my friend forgot where he parked and if you're not in a big hurry, we'd really appreciate it if... 

amy: oh sure, i'll drive you around. 

george: you will? 

amy: sure. 

george: thanks a lot. i'm really late. my parents are waiting in front of my building and we're stuck here. 

amy: i wouldn't want to get lost in here. it smells like a toilet. people are such animals. 

george: yeah, right. 

jerry: filthy pigs. 

george: it's a blue honda... 

amy: this has happened to me too. it's very frustrating. 

elaine: hi, i'm elaine. 

jerry: jerry. 

amy: hello. 

elaine: it's very nice of you to do this. i've asked several people and they wouldn't even answer me. 

amy: i'm happy to do it. (to george) i'm amy. 

george: hi amy, i'm george. 

george: (talking in passenger window) i didn't mean anything by it. i don't even know l. ron hubbard! i didn't know you were... 

george: (cont'd) ...with that group. 

elaine: (shouting to amy) what about my fish? 

jerry: boy, those scientologists. they can be pretty sensitive. 

elaine: i'll say. 

elaine: what is it? (they discover what he's staring at) the car! 

jerry: the car! 

george: the car! 

elaine: we found it. i can't believe it! 

george: kramer, kramer's not here...i knew it. i knew it! i knew this would happen. (screaming) kramer! kramer! 

jerry: kramer! 

jerry: kramer. 

kramer: jerry? 

jerry: yeah, over here. 

kramer: boy i had a helluva time finding that air-conditioner. i looked everywhere. i completely forgot where i hid it. you know where it was? 

george: purple 23. 

kramer: right! purple 23. i could've used you. 

george: sometimes it's good to have a pencil to write these things down. 

kramer: what time is it? 

george: seven forty-five. 

kramer: well at least there's no traffic. 

george: right. 

kramer: what time does that play start? 

george: eight o'clock. 

kramer: that might be a problem. (to elaine) where's your little bag of... 

kramer: (cont'd) oh...(takes out parking stub) boy this garage is going to cost a fortune. you know how long we were here? 

george: she thinks i'm a nice guy. women always think i'm nice, but women don'tnice. 

jerry: this is amazing, i haven't seen one person go in to that restaurant since it opened. poor guy. 

george: why is nice bad? what kind a of sick society we are living in, when nice is bad? 

jerry: what's that smell? what are you wearing? 

george: what, a 'little' cologne. 

jerry: manly. 

george: monica wants me to wear it. 

jerry: so why didn't you say no? 

george: i'm too nice. 

jerry: look at this poor guy. his family is probably in pakistan -- they're waiting him to send back money. this is horrible. 

george: she wants me to take an iq test. 

jerry: that's because you're stupid enough to wear the cologne. 

george: no, she's taking this course in education for her masters. it's part of her research project, so i have to be a guinea pig. 

jerry: i've never been a guinea pig. i've been a sheep, a tody. 

george: you know, i can't talk to you anymore. 

jerry: all right, i'm sorry. go ahead, you're taking the iq test. 

george: yeah, and she's going to find i'm a moron. you know, people think i'm smart, but i'm not smart. 

jerry: who thinks you're smart? 

george: i'm not going to break a hundred on this thing. 

jerry: what thing? 

george: you don't listen when people talk to you anymore! 

jerry: oh, oh, the iq thing...yeah. 

george: i'm sure i have a low iq. i've been lying about my sat scores for 15 years. 

jerry: what'd ya get? 

george: what did i get or what do i say i got? 

jerry: what do you say? 

george: i say fourteen o nine (1409). 

jerry: 1409, that's a good score. 

george: psst, you're telling me. 

jerry: what did you really get? 

george: you are my friend. 

jerry: of course. 

george: i tell you everything, right? 

jerry: i hope so. 

george: well, this i take to the grave. 

jerry: he's serving mexican, italian, chinese. he's all over the place. that's why no one's going in. 

elaine: why do you keep watching? 

jerry: i don't know, i'm obsessed with it. it's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. and even though ya know he's not going to make it, y-y-you kind of root for him for a second. 

elaine: and then you flush. 

jerry: well, it's a spider. 

elaine: you know, sometimes people won't go in a place, if they don't see anyone else in there. 

elaine: do you have to do that? jerry, don't do that, that is so annoying. 

jerry: bazooka joe. 

jerry: the buzzer. 

elaine: it's your house. 

jerry: my house? you gotta be on the lease to press to buzzer. yeah? (to the intercom) 

intercom: it's george. 

jerry: come on up. 

elaine: casus belli. 

jerry: what's that? 

elaine: it's latin. i read it in some book. i don't know, i just wanted to say it out loud. 

jerry: come on, go in, go in! [watching dream cafe with binoculars again] 

elaine: have you gone in there? 

jerry: no, i'm afraid we'll start talking, and i'll gonna wind up going partners with him. 

george: hey. 

jerry: you know, i could probably shoot him from here. i'd be doing us both a favor. 

george: i'm wearing some cologne, all right? 

elaine: sure, fine. 

jerry: casus belli. 

elaine: casus belli. 

george: what's that? 

elaine: since when do you wear cologne? 

george: why is what i do is so important? why must i be always the focal point of attention? let me just be, let me live. 

jerry: hey, how'd you do on that iq test? 

george: i didn't take it, yet. 

elaine: what iq test? 

george: what's casus belli. 

jerry: oh, it's nothing... 

george: is it about me? 

jerry: why must you always be the focal point of attention? why can't you just be? (elaine laughs - hu) why can't you live? 

elaine: it's just a latin phrase george, it does not mean anything. now, what is this test? 

jerry: this woman he's dating is making him take this iq test for this course. 

elaine: oh, that sounds like fun. 

george: yeah, fun. iq tests are totally bogus. they prove nothing. 

elaine: you'll do well, you're smart. 

jerry: no see, he's not smart. people think he's smart, but he's not. 

elaine: wha'd you get on your sat's? 

george: it varies. 

jerry: you know, i don't even know my iq. 

elaine: huh, mine's 145. 

george: 145! 

jerry: get out of here! 

elaine: you get out of here! 

jerry: you get out of here! 

elaine: huhuhuhuhuhuhu (laughing) 

george: shst, you should take the test for me. 

elaine: huh. 

jerry: boy that'd be something, cheating on a iq test. 

george: haha (laughs) 

jerry: hey, remember in college when you passed lettick the test out the window? you became a legend after that. (stepping over elaine then george's legs to get to the large blue chair and sits down.) 

george: yeah, yeah i really had some guts back then. why don't we do it again? 

elaine: what? 

george: you could take the iq test for me. i could pass it to you out a window. we could do it, she lives in the first floor. 

elaine: are you serious? 

george: why not? 

elaine: where would i take the test? 

george: i don't know, she lives right around the corner. you could take it here or go to the coffee shop. 

elaine: no, that'd be too noisy. 

jerry: take it to dream cafe, you won't hear a peep. 

elaine: hey, what do you think? 

jerry: hey, i love a good caper. 

elaine: yeah, that's what is, isn't it? a caper. huh. 

george: you'll do it? 

elaine: what the hey. 

george: yeaah, beautiful... (they try to hit a high five, but george hits elaine in the forehead.) sorry... 

babu bhatt: welcome to the dream cafe. 

jerry: well, ah, i've been looking forward to it. 

babu: oh, ah how did you hear about us? 

jerry: eh, people, people are talking. 

babu: smoking or non-smoking? we are proud to offer both. 

jerry: ah, non-smoking would be great. 

babu: very good. my name is babu bhatt, i will be your waiter. a steaming hot folded face cloth for your pleasure. 

jerry: thank you. [throws the towel around like a hot potato.] 

babu: our specials are tacos, moussaka and franks and beans. 

jerry: well, ah w-what do you recommend my good fellow? 

babu: oh, the turkey. 

jerry: well then the turkey it'll be. and may i say you have a splendid establishment here, my friend. i'm sure you flourish at this location for many, many years. 

babu: you're very kind man. very kind, thank you. very kind... 

jerry: (thinks) very kind. i am a kind man. who else would do something like this? nobody. nobody thinks about people the way i do. all right, snap out of it you stupid jerk. you're eating a turkey sandwich. what do want, a nobel prize? 

george: you go in the living room. i'll take the test in here. 

monica: but why? 

george: i won't be able to, concentrate in front of you. 

monica: oh, i think you're making too much of this. iq tests don't mean anything. 

george: are you kidding me? [elaine walks past the window glancing in] this is the best tool we have today of measuring a persons' intelligence. 

monica: well, i certainly don't place any importance on it. 

george: well, i think you're wrong about that. [elaine walks past the window again, glancing in] and ah now if you'll excuse me, i'd really like to get started, please. 

monica: good luck. 

george: don't need it. n'huhuhu (laughs) 

elaine: what's been going on out there? i've been standing here 20 minutes. 

george: i'm sorry i'm sorry, here's the test. thanks again for doing this - hhe. 

elaine: all right, what time do you want me back here. 

george: ah, ah, twenty to three. 

elaine: ok. 

george: thanks again. 

elaine: all right. 

george: a-and don't settle for 145, you can do better, you're a genius. heheheh (laughs) 

jerry: thank you babu. you have quite a flair. you are quite the restaurateur i must say. 

babu: it is in deed my pleasure. 

jerry: oh, please... 

babu: oh, welcome to the dream cafe. (runs to get a menu.) our specials today... 

elaine: oh, no no no. i'll just have a tea and toast. (sits down across the table from jerry) 

babu: tea and toast. 

jerry: eat something! babu... 

elaine: um, ok, ah well i'll have the, th-ri-rigatoni. 

babu: oh, oh very good choice. very good. 

jerry: oh wow, so you got the test. you're cheating. 

elaine: i know. 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: hey. 

kramer: oh boy. woop... 

kramer: jerry let me ask you something, hi elaine... (pats her on the shoulder twice.) 

elaine: hey. 

kramer: this guy leaves this jacket at my mother's house two years ago. now, she hasn't spoken to him since and now he says he wants the jacket back. 

jerry: so? 

kramer: well, i'm not giving it back. 

jerry: why not? 

kramer: well because i meet a lot of women in this jacket, you know they're attracted to it. i mean why do you think my mother went out with him? 

kramer: oh, gees... 

elaine: ok, 

kramer: you're all right 

elaine: yeah, ok... (takes the test and moves to another table.) 

kramer: (eating some nachos) anyway, it's been two years. i mean isn't there like statue of limitations on that? 

jerry: statute. 

kramer: what? 

jerry: statute of limitations. it's not a statue. 

kramer: no, it's statue. 

jerry: fine, it's a sculpture of limitations. 

kramer: wait a minute, just wait a minute...elaine, elaine! now you're smart, is it statue or statute of limitations? 

elaine: statute. 

kramer: oh, i really think you're wrong. 

elaine: look, kramer, i have to take this test ok, i don't have a lot of time. 

kramer: what test? 

elaine: an iq test. 

kramer: hmm. why you takin' an iq test? 

elaine: it's for george. 

kramer: george? 

elaine: yeah, can-look ... can i explain it to you later? 

kramer: yeah, but why are you taking an iq test for george? 

elaine: would you please?! 

kramer: what, is it for a job or something? 

elaine: later! 

kramer: you're positive it's statute? 

elaine: yes, yes! (jerry shaking his head, like he can't believe what he's seeing) 

babu: welcome, welcome. a steaming hot face towel for your... (gives kramer a hot towel and kramer screams, elaine screams and kramer falls from his chair. he gets up and is dazed) 

monica: george? 

george: yeah? 

monica: the door is locked. 

george: oh, it's locked? 

monica: i need to get something. 

george: monica, i'm really focused here, this stuff's a killer. (turns to the next page) 

monica: george! 

george: wish i could. (raises the magazine up in front of his face and continues reading.) 

babu: nananeena, ladadeeda, laadadeeda, saadina.... laadadeeda sa saadina (singing too loud) 

elaine: babu! ba-if-if ya don't mind? 

babu: set. ok 

elaine: set. 

babu: i'll get it ... 

elaine: oh my god! it's all over the test! 

babu: oh, i did sc-i'm terribly sorry. 

jerry: oh my god. 

elaine: oh man! look at this... i'm out of time anyway. 

babu: please, forgive me, please... 

jerry: go ahead, i'll take care of it. 

elaine: uhh. 

babu: (opens the door for elaine) please, i'm very sorry. tell your friends! 

jerry: it's all right, she was cheating anyway. 

babu: you're a very kind man. 

jerry: babu, you're pakistani, right? 

babu: yes, pakistani, yes. 

jerry: babu, may i say something? 

babu: of course, you're very smart man, i listen. 

jerry: i am not a restaurateur by any means, but it occurred to me that perhaps you might serve some dishes from your native pakistan? as opposed to say t-the franks and beans for example. 

babu: but there are no pakistani people here. 

jerry: doesn't matter. you would have the only authentic pakistani restaurant in the whole neighborhood. 

babu: yes, you see everything, don't you? 

jerry: well, you know; not everything. i do what i can. 

babu: i close down today and when i open again it'll be all pakistani restaurant. thank you, thank you so much, you're very special person, very special. 

elaine: it was an accident. 

george: what did you go on a picnic? 

elaine: babu bhatt did it. 

george: babu bhatt? how i'm going to explain this? 

monica: time's up george. 

george: u-ok. (george closes the window and shoos elaine off. he opens the door to monica.) here you go. 

monica: how did you do? 

george: piece of cake; hu. 

monica: what happened to the test? 

george: what? oh i spilled some food on it. 

monica: food? what food? 

george: what are you talking about? 

monica: where did you get food? 

george: from my pocket. 

monica: your pocket? 

george: i eh, i had a sandwich in my pocket. 

monica: and coffee? 

george: yeah, had some coffee, yeah. 

monica: where did you get the coffee? 

george: where did i get the coffee? where do think i got the coffee, at the grocery store. (small laugh) 

monica: how did you get there? 

george: i walked. 

monica: how did you get out of the apartment? i didn't see you leave. 

george: i climbed out the window. 

monica: you climbed out the window? 

george: of course. 

monica: why didn't you go out the door? 

george: the door? why would i go out the door? the window's right here. 

monica: you're a fascinating man, george costanza. 

[jerry's apartment, jerry and elaine. jerry is looking dream cafe with binoculars. there's a sign on the window: closed for renovation.] 

jerry: the average person in a situation like this, they walk right by it. not me. 

elaine: you're very special. 

kramer: hey, do me a favor... some guy comes in looking for me, tell him you don't know where i am. 

jerry: of course, i always do. 

kramer: no, no it's that guy. he's really been bugging me about the jacket. 

elaine: just give it back to him. 

kramer: oh, he'll have to kill me. (leaves.) 

jerry: hey georgie! 

george: coming up. 

jerry: how'd you do on the iq test?! 

george: 85! 

jerry: what?!! 

george: 85, jerry! 85 iq ! 

elaine: 85? 

jerry: well, well, well... 

elaine: he's coming up? 

jerry: well, i'm no genius but, according to my calculations he should be here in a few seconds. 

elaine: yeah, but an 85, jerry, that's ridiculous. 

jerry: well, maybe the test was gender bias, you know a lot of questions on hunting and testicles... 

george: oh, hello professor. 

elaine: george, i cannot believe... 

george: please... 

elaine: no there has got be a mistake. 

george: you should've seen her face. it was the exact same look my father gave me when i told him i wanted to be a ventriloquist. 

jerry: but an 85? 

elaine: listen, there were too many distractions there. babu...what ever he's name was and kramer...i couldn't concentrate. 

elaine: jerry! it was! let me take it again. 

george: ooh ho hoo, forget it. 

elaine: oh, come on, come on. i?ll guarantee 140. what do you have to lose? 

george: you could do worse! 

elaine: no, no, come on. i guarantee it. 

george: all right, i'll ask her. 

elaine: ok, now where i'm going to take it. 

jerry: take it here, i'll leave, there'll be no distractions. 

jerry: well, congratulations my friend. you know, i'm sorry i missed the grand re-opening. i was out of town for about a week. 

babu: you see how i listen. i work very hard, borrow more money. 

jerry: i think it's fantastic. has a certain indefinable charm. 

babu: you wish to eat? 

jerry: let me tell you something babu. you go back in that kitchen -- tell your chef i want the works. 

babu: very good. 

elaine: (stretching) oh man... uunh. 

elaine: what are you doing? 

kramer: quiet. shh, don't say anything. 

elaine: what's going on? 

man behind the door: hey, kramer! i saw you go there! i'm not leaving until you gimme that jacket. (bangs on the door) open up kramer! 

elaine: wha'd you come in here for? 

kramer: ah, well i thought i'd throw him off. see, he knows where i live. 

elaine: well kramer, i have to return this test. i've got to get out of here. 

kramer: i thought you took the test. 

elaine: i had to take it again. 

kramer: how come? 

elaine: what's the difference?!! 

kramer: well, you can't leave now. 

elaine: what? 

man behind the door: come on, kramer! i want that jacket back! 

kramer: never! 

monica: come on george, open up. 

monica: well? 

george: how' you doing? 

monica: where's the test? 

george: hunh, you know, it's the damnedest thing. i went out the window again to, to get a cup of coffee... 

jerry: babu? babu...[waves babu to come to table] babu...you know, i got to tell you, i never do this, but the shrimp, it's just, it's a little stringy. you have any chicken? 

babu: the shrimp is stringy? 

jerry: well, maybe your refrigerator... 

babu: quiet!! 

jerry: no i... 

babu: you shut up! 

jerry: well i... 

babu: you make me change restaurant, but nobody come! you say make pakistani, babu bhatt have only pakistani restaurant. but where are people? you see people? show me people. there are no people! 

jerry: you know, i think i'll just take the check. 

babu: you bad man! you very very bad man! [leaves] 

jerry: (thinking) bad man? could've my mother been wrong? 

monica: are you looking for george? 

elaine: well eh, kind of.... 

monica: george left. 

elaine: oh. 

monica: is, that the test? 

elaine: oh, this...emm...yeah...here you go. 

monica: thanks. i hope you do a lot better this time. 

elaine: actually, you know i think i did. the first time i couldn't really cons...[monica closes the window]...entrate. 

jerry: you know what it was, bad location. 

george: come on, lets not stand here too long, we might run in to her. 

jerry: aren't you cold? where's your jacket? 

kramer: h-yeah... 

jerry: oh, sorry. 

kramer: i'm going upstairs. 

elaine: hey guys... 

jerry: hey. 

elaine: i just ran in to monica. you know what my iq is? 151. 

jerry: 151? 

elaine: yeah..heheah (laughing a bit) 

george: that's a good score. 

jerry: so, what are you up for? how about mexican? 

george: italian. 

elaine: no, chinese. 

jerry: you know, what would be great? 

jerry: ....hair that was on your shower soap today could be in your head tomorrow. how did they do the first transplant? did they have the guy take a shower , get his soap , rush it in there by helicopter, you know keep the soap alive on the soap support system ....looks it over. "we got the hair but i think we lost the zest." ....rejects the transplant with organs. is it possible that a head could reject the hair transplant . guy just standin' there and suddenly... ..bink! ( motions hair flying out of his head)........lands in someone's frozen yogurt. 

repairman: .....the gaskets that you have here are asymmetrical. 

jerry: ah..ha!.. really. ( jerry is barely listening to him ) 

repairman: so i took off the motor relay on the compressor....'cos you..you (stutters) you've got some discoloration 

jerry: oh! well whatever you have to do. 

repairman: i was working with one.....mount at a time 'cos you don't wanna disturb the position of the compressor. 

jerry: (sarcastically) no you don't.. 

george: hey! what are listening to? 

jerry: my show from last night. 

george: oh! you taped it? 

jerry: yeah , i was doing new material. 

george: hey! did 'ya ever do that thing on the toes that i said . 

jerry: huh? 

george: yeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot. 

jerry: the" coup d-toe" 

george: yeah. did you do it? 

jerry: yeah! 

george: so? 

jerry: nothin'.....nothing at all. 

george: need to use the phone. 

jerry: who you calling? 

george: china. 

jerry: china really? 

george: yeah. i'll pay for it. 

jerry: what for? 

george: what for? . i'll tell you what for.... for hair. 

jerry: hair? 

george: the chinese have done it my friend. the chinese have done it. 

jerry: done what? 

george: discovered a cure for baldness. 

repairman: did you see that last night? 

george: it was on cnn ( kramer comes in and he is taping from a camcorder) this chinese doctor zeng zau. has discovered a cure for baldness. 

jerry: (to kramer) what's this? 

kramer: well i just got it. spector gave it to me , he's giving everything away...becoming a minimalist. 

george: is that the guy who likes fat women? 

jerry: doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism. 

kramer: (to george) you , you know what you should've done is watching that report on cnn last night. 

george: i did, i'm trying to call china. 

kramer: you can't call china now its like, what, three 'o clock in the morning there 

jerry: oh! my god!.... 

george: what? 

jerry: oh! god.. oh! man.....oh! brother!!! i can't believe what i'm hearing. this woman his talking to me on my tape recorder while i was on stage. this is wild. i've never heard anything like this in my life. listen to this. 

george: (george puts on the headphones) oh! my god... 

kramer: give me it..( tries to pull them off george's head) 

george: wa..wait.wait!......who is this woman? 

jerry: i don't know . i have no idea . i was just listening and she came on. 

george: this is like a penthouse letter...why can't i meet women like this? 

kramer: all right come on....again attempts to pull headphones off) 

george: wait ,wait, wait, wait!!!!.... where was the tape recorder? 

jerry: it was in the back of the room on the left, she must have been sitting right in front of it. 

george: my god!!! 

kramer: c'mon it's my turn. 

george: all right, all right, all, right!!( gives the headphones to kramer) how you gonna find out who this is? 

jerry: good question. 

kramer: where's the volume..(finds it) a, yai..ya...ya..ya!!!! 

george: what do the chinese have to gain by faking a cure for baldness? 

jerry: if it was real ,they would never let it out of the country. no baldness , it'd be like a nation of supermen. 

elaine: hi boys. 

both: hello... 

elaine: what's happening? 

jerry: tell her. i wanna hear her reaction. 

george: this woman left this really sexy message on jerry's tape recorder...... 

jerry: (pushes george) not that you idiot!! 

george: what?? 

jerry: the chinese , the chinese bald cure. 

george: i thought you meant the.. 

jerry: no i meant the bald cure. we were talking about the bald cure. 

elaine: what did she say? 

peter: seinfeld.....( from way in the back of the restaurant. cheesy plot device to have jerry leave the table for a minute so george and elaine can talk) 

jerry: hey! is that peter? ...i can't believe it. get me a cup of decaf. (leaves table) 

elaine: so did you hear this message? 

george: oh!, he he, it was unbelievable 

elaine: really! 

george: yeah. i can't get over it. 

elaine: huh! sexy? 

george: this woman drove us out of our minds 

elaine: like ...humm...how did she sound? 

george: she had this throaty , sexy kind of whisper. 

elaine: really , like a... like a....(leans over to george and whispers) jerry, i want to slide my tongue around you like a snake.....ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa..... 

george: oh! my god!!......you?.....you?...that was you?.... 

elaine: shhhhhh!!! 

george: how did ya?... 

elaine: i stopped at the club to see him and i was standing in the back while he was on, right?, and there was this tape recorder there and i.....got this impulse. ha ha ha ha....what? 

george: oh! no no nothing.... 

elaine: now listen , promise me you won't tell him okay.i want to have a little fun with this. 

george: i had no idea you were filled with such....sexuality.. 

elaine: oh! that was nothing. so listen, what about this bald thing? 

george: ah! some bald thing, a bald thing i dunno. it's nothing 

jerry: remember peter? 

george: peter? 

jerry: you remember peter. remember i told you how he went to the track that one time and he was yelling at this jockey and the jockey got off the horse and started chasin' him. 

elaine: so listen , what about this girl on the tape recorder? 

jerry: oh elaine....what do you think an enraptured female fan of mine might say? 

elaine: i don't know. 

jerry: she went on in some detail about certain activities, illegal in some states, for consenting adults. things you would know very little about. 

elaine: oh! really. 

jerry: well this type of things is very common when you're in show business. 

elaine: so what, are you gonna ask her out. 

jerry: no i can't she didn't leave her name or number. 

elaine: bummer...okay , good luck finding her . i'm taking off. 

george: wh.. where you going? 

elaine: home. 

george: why you going home for? 

elaine: well , i just came from the gym , unless i can shower at your place. 

jerry: sure. 

george: oh! my god. oh! man... 

jerry: i don't get it. why would a woman do that and then leave no way to get in touch with her. 

elaine: (coming out of the shower in a bathrobe) may be she realized she could never have you and she jumped off the george washington bridge. 

george: (phone rings ,picks up) operator? beijing? 

jerry: why are you doing this? 

george: why do i do anything? tsss...for women. 

jerry: elaine have you ever gone out with a bald man? 

elaine: no. 

jerry: you know what that makes you?...a baldist. 

george: oh. this i need. hello!! hello. i..i..is this the hair restoration clinic? ...does anyone speak english? 

elaine: ( to kramer who just got in with his camcorder) ooooh! you're taping. 

kramer: just be yourselves. ( elaine plays with her hair flirtingly) 

elaine: aah! okaaay. 

kramer: well we're talking with elaine benes; adult film star on the set of her new picture "elaine does the upper west side" 

elaine: ( to the camera) hi. how 're you doin'? 

kramer: i'm doin' fine. 

george: do you speak english?...english!! 

kramer: whooooa! here's the director jerry seinfeld . jerry , you discovered elaine benes? 

jerry: well yes i did that's true. a couple of a guys i knew in the coastguard told me about her.... and i sensed that she had the anger and intensity that i needed to make this film work. 

george: english. does anybody speak english .nobody speaks english. 

kramer: so what scene are you ready to shoot now , elaine? 

george: in this scene my co-star who's right over here ( goes over to george who is still on the phone) follow meeeee... is george costanza, he plays an airline pilot who's just returned from rome and i'm about to show him how much i've missed him. 

kramer: that's my chinese food...so george is this your first movie with elaine? 

george: (visibly disturbed) i...i..i dunno. 

kramer: so elaine in your movies is the sex real or is it simulated? 

elaine: oh. it's always simulated....except with george that's in my contract. 

george: all right, kramer that's it.....( pushes the camera) hello . english. does anyone speak english 

kramer: (to the chinese delivery boy) how much do i owe you? 

ping: $15.90. 

kramer: $15.90.? 

george: huh. excuse me (to ping) hum... do you speak chinese? 

ping: chinese....yeah. 

george: look...humm..i'm on with beijing with the hair restauration clinic. could you talk to them for me and tell them i'd like to place an order. 

ping: (sounds like) gwen , ayon. wonche son thai gettin my chon fai yu.(looks at george and laughs) 

george: they got a billion people over there and he found a relative. 

ping: ah fuka suma. if you send money they send cream. 

george: they send me? aw right ..ask 'em does it really work? 

ping: gym a gun sen tokomo. chin che .they say you grow hair, look a like stalin 

george: ask' em are there any side effects? 

ping: dowe o futo yum.... impotence. ....( makes a just kidding gesture) 

george: aw! funny he's a funny guy. 

ping: get a money order from the bank of china , be here three days after they get check. 

ping: (continues his phone call) ha pachini fair pousher pousher mouist i fai chin fousher... 

jerry: (as ping rambles on ) ...s'cuse me (ping looks up) kind of an expensive call. 

elaine: thanks for driving me home. what did i do to deserve this? 

george: yoohoo ,plenty......wh..wh..what are doing hum...you're going in? 

elaine: well ya. i guess so why? you wanna do something? 

george: yeah....euh...i dunno what? 

elaine: pffft....there's really nothing to do. 

george: ( becoming more and more awkward) yeah..... 

elaine: do you think of anything?.. 

george: no, no....(mumbles) 

elaine: i am up for anything. 

george: really...(he honks the car and is startled, elaine laughs)......i have to say...you were really good doing that porno thing....you're talented. 

elaine: i was just kiddin, around....... 

george: i thought the thing you said about the sex not being simulated . that was really funny. 

elaine: ( feeling awkward as well) yeah! that was a...f...fun ..mmm?. 

george: so all right i'll speak to you through jerry and everything. 

elaine: okay...thanks a lot for the ride. 

jerry: ..she was sitting at the table where i had my tape recorder...okay great. thanks again.. bye. ha ha..who do these women think they're dealing with? did she think she was gonna leave this incredibly erotic message on my tape and i was just gonna let it go. not bloody likely... 

kramer: what is that? 

jerry: that's my cockney accent. 

kramer: naw ,na , that's no good. 

jerry: lets hear yours. 

kramer: not bloody likely.. 

jerry: that's the worst cockney accent i've ever heard in my life.( george enters) hey! georgie boy , guess what i got. 

george: guess, what i got. 

jerry: oh! is that the bald stuff? 

george: from china. all the way from china. 

kramer: wait,wait wait...let me get the camera. 

george: no don't get the camera , we don't need the camera. listen i know your skeptical , but i really believe in the chinese. 

jerry: yes i am skeptical. 

george: why do you have to be so suspicious of every one. this is a great man zeng zau, he wants to help bald people. 

kramer: w..w..wa...wa..wait..wait wait.. now lets videotape your head for the before picture, so we can watch how it grows and stuff. sit down (george sits).....lean back...a little bit to the right. 

jerry: make sure you get this area here, where he needs the help.... 

george: all right, all right ( goes to the bathroom) 

kramer: he's a happy camper huh? 

jerry: happy camper , i don't hear that expression enough. 

kramer: remember that guy who took my jacket. the one i found at my mother's house. 

jerry: yeah. 

kramer: my mother told me that he got arrested for mail fraud 

jerry: no kidding? 

kramer: he's in jail. 

jerry: what happened to the jacket. did he take it with him? 

kramer: that's what i intend to find out. (george comes out of the bathroom and he's got white cream on his head) 

jerry: you can see it. you gonna walk around like that? 

kramer: it stinks. can you smell that?....you stink. 

jerry: how long are you suppose to leave it on for? 

george: all day. ( phone rings , jerry picks up) 

jerry: hello. 

elaine: it's elaine marie benes. 

jerry: well hello.. 

elaine: hello.. so did you ever find out who that woman was? 

jerry: yes , i got her number. 

george: is that elaine? 

jerry: yeah. 

george: hi elaine... 

elaine: i guess you figure you're in for a pretty wild night? 

jerry: well , as i said this type of thing is very common in show business 

elaine: well listen i'm going to (?) do you want me to stop by? 

george: did she say hello? 

jerry: what? i dunno. 

george: i mean , when i said hello did she say hello back? 

jerry: i don't know , who keeps track of hellos. 

george: isn't polite to say hello when somebody says hello? 

jerry: she's coming up. 

george: elaine's coming up? 

jerry: yeah. what's wrong, why? ( george runs back to the bathroom) 

kramer: how often do you cut your toe nails? 

jerry: i would say every two and a half to eight weeks. 

kramer: 'cos the other night , you know, i was sleeping with marion i rolled over and i cut her ankle with my big toe. 

jerry: the big toe; the captain. 

kramer: what? 

jerry: the captain of the toes. (phone rings) hello. 

elaine: jerry...jerry listen i got too much stuff this afternoon, i can't come over, forget it. 

jerry: okay....too bad. 

elaine: so humm....when you gonna call her? 

jerry: soon as i get off the phone wih you. 

elaine: good luck. 

jerry: okay , bye (to george) what happened , did you take it off? 

george: yeah, that was enough. 

jerry: that's it, you gave up? 

george: no no i'm working on a system...who was that? 

jerry: that was elaine , she changed her mind. she's not coming over. 

alicia: hello. 

jerry: hello is this alicia? .this is jerry seinfeld. 

alicia: yeah. 

jerry: this is jerry seinfeld. 

jerry: (to kramer) ...( words missing)...laugh , everything's nice and at the end of the night i go for a little contact. i get the pull back. this woman said the filthiest things i've ever heard in my life. i get the pull back. 

jerry: yeah.. 

george: it's george. 

jerry: come on up . (looks at his watch) ...what's he doing here now? 

kramer: so , you blew it? 

jerry: she must be psychotic or something. 

kramer: let me have her number. 

jerry: i'm not giving you her number. 

kramer: i know how to handle these psychotics. 

jerry: sheriff?........what's with the hat? 

kramer: (george takes off the hat , he's got that cream on again) pheeewwww! boy! you stink. 

jerry: what are doing here now? 

george: i have to talk to you about something . 

kramer: all right lets take a look to see what we got ( examines george's head) wait a second.. i think i see something here george. lets go to the videotape. 

george: aahh..no..no.. 

jerry: what's up? 

george: i can't tell ya now , he's gonna be back in a ten seconds. 

jerry: so just start it. 

george: i can't. 

jerry: oh! come om . he'll be over there for a half hour, he gets lost over there. c'mon so what is this about? 

george: all right.........i've become attracted to elaine.. 

kramer: all right....sit down george. 

george: kramer, can we do this later.. 

kramer: no, i got the tape right here. 

jerry: kramer, let's do this later. 

kramer: (ignoring them) now.. this is the tape that we made earlier and i think, that i see. a couple of buds right here. 

george: really? ..you think. 

jerry: kramer. i would like to talk to george for a minute, please. 

kramer: 'bout what? 

jerry: it's kinda private. 

kramer: like the big toe captain.. 

george: so now you're doing my bits? 

jerry: i'm not doing your bits!! 

kramer: okay , all right. i'm gonna take a look at this huh!.( leaves) 

jerry: does she know? 

george: no!! 

jerry: how did it happen? 

george: i can't say. 

jerry: well, why can't you say it? 

george: because i promised her. 

jerry: i thought you just said she doesn't know?? 

george: she doesn't. 

jerry: so how can you promise her? 

george: because she asked me to. 

jerry: what is this, an abbott and costello routine? 

george: all right you really want to know?...it all started when she told met hat...she was the voice on your tape recorder. 

jerry: what, elaine? 

george: yeah! she made me promise not to tell you .it's supposed to be a joke. 

jerry: (picks up the headphones) that was elaine... 

george: well let me hear....( they struggle for the headphones) 

jerry: wait a second. .just give me a second 

george: you heard it fifty times already. 

jerry: she's my ex-girlfriend i think i have precedence 

jerry: yeaaaah!!! 

elaine: hi, it's elaine is this a bad time? 

george: (yelling from the bathroom) don't tell her anything, she'll kill me!! 

jerry: okay, okay, i promise. (puts on the headphones again) wow!!! oh man...oh god.. oh brother....whoooaaaa!! whoaaaa (elaine enters he takes them off rapidly) 

elaine: (concerned) what's the matter? 

jerry: oooh! i got a pain in my side. 

elaine: (to george returning) hi george. something stinks in here.( george motions to jerry, she nods) 

jerry: what are you doing here? 

elaine: i was the one who talked into your tape recorder. 

jerry: i know, george told me. 

elaine: you told him!!!! 

george: he..he threatened me. 

jerry: where did you come up with all that stuff? 

elaine: that was nothing. 

george: elaine.. i have to tell you something... 

jerry: george no!! 

george: no no no no no no no.. 

jerry: george i'm telling ya.. 

elaine: what is it? 

george: i'm very attracted to you.. 

jerry: aye...... 

kramer: i've found a hair!!! yes ( goes up to the video machine and inserts the tape) hey, come here, come here ,take a look at this. 

george: ever since i found out that you let that message on jerry's tape recorder i... 

kramer: whoa!!!....that was you? 

elaine: it was a joke... 

kramer: wait..( picks up the walkman) oh my god...oh yeah....elaine , i can't believe that that is you. 

elaine: aah.... ( she stares at the three of them all lined up like the daltons, all looking at her with lust.) i think i'll get going... 

george: heuh. huh. stick around a while. 

jerry: it's early. 

kramer: we'll order chinese. 

george: where'd you meet her? 

jerry: i met her on an elevator. 

george: on an elevator? you met a woman on an elevator? 

jerry: impossible, right? 

george: you got less than sixty seconds. that's like dismantling a time bomb. what got into you? 

jerry: i don't know. she was so beautiful, it was like a pure reflex. the words just came out of my mouth. 

george: wow. what'd you say? 

jerry: you know, i'm the one responsible for those crop circles in england. 

george: wow. 

jerry: can you believe i did that? 

george: what did she say? 

isabel: what crop circles? 

jerry: not a good sign. 

george: not everybody knows what the crop circles are. (to the newsstand owner) do you know what the crop circles are? 

newsstand owner: crop circles? why don't you buy something? 

jerry: you got something in your teeth there. 

george: what? 

jerry: it's green. 

george: oh, man, it's spinach! i've been walking around like this all afternoon. 

jerry: did you bump into anybody you knew? 

george: i had a job interview. 

jerry: how'd it go? 

george: take a guess. 

interviewer: well, mr. costanza, we have nothing available at the present time, but should anything open up, we'll be in touch. 

george: ok, thanks. 

jerry: what do you need a job, you got audrey. 

george: yeah, right. 

jerry: what's the matter? 

george: oh, nothing. 

jerry: what? 

george: you won't think i'm a bad person? 

jerry: too late for that. 

george: 'cause believe me, i would only say this to you and maybe a psychiatrist, maybe. well, her nose is a little big. 

jerry: yeah, she's got a big nose. 

george: i mean, big would even be ok, a little beyond big. 

jerry: it's a schnoz. 

george: now, i'm aware that my own physical dimensions are perhaps a little short of perfection. 

jerry: a little. 

george: so who am i to be thinking about someone's nose? i mean, i should be grateful someone like her even looks at me. i have no job, nothing. but i have to say, i think about the nose. i don't want to think about the nose. i don't ask to think about the nose, but i think about it. i go to bed at night, i tell myself, 'don't think about the nose, forget the nose,' but i think about it. i look at her, i see nose. 

jerry: stop being so concerned with looks. 

jerry: have you said anything to her about it? 

george: i could never do that. you know the ironic thing is if she had a smaller nose, i never could have gone out with her in the first place. she'd be out of my league with a smaller nose. and i really like her, i know that. and i know one other thing. i'm not getting past that nose. 

jerry: alright, shut up, here they come. 

george: (waving) how can i not think about it? look at the size of this thing. 

kramer: so my mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house so, you know, she gives it to me. well, two years later he shows up and he takes it back. and now he's in prison. he got arrested for mail fraud. so elaine, all you have to do is go over to the apartment, tell the landlord that you're his daughter and you want to bring him the jacket in prison. 

elaine: won't the landlord know i'm not the daughter? 

kramer: no no, he's never met her. she's in california. 

elaine: are you coming with me? 

kramer: oh, yeah yeah, i have to. i'm your fianc, peter von nostrand. 

george: why don't you just commit yourself already? 

audrey: what is so special about this jacket? 

elaine: he believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women. 

audrey: what's the smudge on your hand? 

kramer: oh, i got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. yeah, i'm going back there tonight, you know, i'm not gonna pay another cover charge. 

george: what, you didn't wash all day? 

kramer: yeah, i washed, just not the hand. you wouldn't believe the women at this club. ohh, man. 

audrey: it's amazing how many beautiful women live in new york. i actually find it kind of intimidating. 

kramer: well, you're as pretty as any of them, you just need a nose job. 

elaine: kramer! 

kramer: what? what? 

elaine: how could you say something like that?! 

kramer: what? what do you mean? i just said she needs a nose job. 

elaine: no no, there's nothing wrong with her nose! i'm so sorry, audrey. 

audrey: no, it's ok. 

elaine: what did you have to say that for? 

kramer: well, i was just trying to help out. 

elaine: yeah? well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, mr. von nozzin. 

kramer: you see what happens when you try to be nice? 

audrey: elaine said i could stay with her another month until tina gets back. what are you thinking about? 

george: thinking? nothing. what could i possibly be thinking? 

audrey: you look like you've got something on your mind. 

george: oh, yeah, right. i wish i had something on my mind. (pregnant pause) so how about that kramer, huh? 

audrey: how about him? 

george: they way he just says stuff. 

audrey: he sure does. 

george: yeah. yeah, he's quite a character. 

audrey: so, what did you think? 

george: about the pizza? 

audrey: no, about the nose job. 

george: oh, the nose job. i don't know, what did you think? 

audrey: well, i've thought about it, but i don't know. 

george: yeah. (another pause) not that i care, one way or the other, but these doctors today really do amazing things, you know, if you were so inclined. and again, i'm not suggesting. 

audrey: i know, they're good. 

george: peter jennings had one. 

audrey: really? 

george: probably. they all do. in my high school, half my graduating class had them. of course, i'm from long island, so... 

audrey: uh huh. 

george: it's really nothing, it's like going to the dentist. 

audrey: i hate the dentist. 

george: it's a cleaning. 

audrey: so you really think i should do this? 

george: if it makes you happy, i don't focus on these things. i will tell you this unfortunately, we live in a very superficial society. i don't condone it, but it's a fact of life. 

audrey: well, maybe i should. 

george: what the hell. 

elaine: (barging in) aw, now you talked her into getting a nose job? 

george: me? i didn't say anything. 

elaine: you encouraged her to get one. 

george: i didn't encourage. no encourage. 

elaine: peter jennings had one? 

george: it's possible. 

elaine: well, i think you should accept her for who she is. 

audrey: no, george is right. i want to get one. 

elaine: i think it's a mistake. 

george: me too, really. unless you'd really like to get one. 

george: i'm going straight to hell, no two ways about it. 

jerry: well, it might not be hell but you're gonna run into some bad dudes. 

george: (checking his watch) hey, let's get the check, she's taking the bandages off at four o'clock. 

jerry: we have time. 

george: it's exciting, isn't it? she's gonna have a whole new face. 

jerry: it is exciting. 

george: of course, not as exciting as miss crop circles, but... 

jerry: please, please, isabel? she is the most despicable woman i have ever met in my life. i have never been so repulsed by someone mentally and so attracted to them physically at the same time. it's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. and i'm letting him win. 

george: you're not letting him win. he wins till you're forty. 

jerry: then what? 

george: he still wins but it's not a blowout. 

jerry: she wants to be an actress. she makes me read these moronic acting scenes with her, and i do it because i'm so addicted to the sex, i'm helpless, i'll do anything. so finally kramer comes in the other day. 

jerry: (holding up a piece of paper) i don't want to see this woman anymore but i haven't got the will power to throw out her number. please, help me. help me. 

kramer: (taking the paper and tearing it to pieces) i'm proud of you. 

jerry: so i'm never gonna see her again, i'm going cold turkey. 

george: good for you. 

jerry: i'll tell you, the sex... i mean, i was like an animal. i mean it was just completely uninhibited. 

george: it's like going to the bathroom in front of a lot of people and not caring. 

jerry: it's not like that at all. 

elaine: how do you even know the jacket is there? 

kramer: well i don't, i'm guessing. 

george: okay, look, audrey, before you take the bandage off just remember that i was the one that encouraged you to do this, you know? now that you're gonna be a great beauty, let's not forget how this all began. you know, like if you'd listened to your friend, elaine, 

audrey: george? 

george: yeah? 

audrey: enough. 

jerry: alright, are we ready? come on, let's get this show on the road. 

elaine: are you sure you want us here for this? 

audrey: yes. 

jerry: shouldn't a doctor do it? 

audrey: no, he said i could do it. okay, here goes. 

george: very exciting, very exciting, it's like watching a birth. 

elaine: it looks good. 

jerry: great job. 

kramer: you got butchered. 

jerry: let's put him over here. 

kramer: (to a fleeing audrey) where are you going? 

audrey: (with hand covering nose) to the doctor! 

kramer: wait, wait, wait, i'll go with you. 

elaine: how ya feeling? 

george: too much salt in my diet. 

elaine: can i get you anything? 

george: nah, i'm good. 

elaine: you sure? anything? 

george: mmm, no. boy, it really didn't come out too well, did it? 

elaine: no, it didn't. no, it didn't. 

george: it's like, all dented. 

elaine: seems to be. 

george: well, i'm sure they'll be able to fix it. you can't stop modern science. can't stop it, you can't stop it. can't stop science. can't be stopped, no way, no how, science just marches-- 

elaine: shut up, george. 

george: shut up? 

elaine: yeah. 

george: interesting. 

jerry: come on, kramer, seriously, give me her number! 

kramer: i don't have it, i threw it out. 

jerry: you're lying! you got it, i want that number! 

kramer: i told you, i threw it out. 

jerry: give it to me! 

kramer: you told me not to give it to you, you made me promise. 

jerry: well, i changed my mind, i want that number. 

kramer: you said, no matter what you do or say, i'm not to give you the number. 

jerry: i was lying, give it to me! 

kramer: no, you told me not to! 

jerry: i want that number! 

kramer: alright! (flinging pieces of torn paper to the ground) yeah! yeah! yeah! (jerry falls to the floor and starts arranging pieces) look at you! look at what you've sunk to! look at what you've become! look in the mirror, cause you need help, jerry. you need help, because i can't stand by and do it anymore. it's turning my stomach! i can't stand around here watching you destroy yourself. it's eating me up inside! 

audrey: the doctor said that they need to build the lateral wall of the septum. over here... 

george: yeah. 

audrey: you see this perinasal sinus cavity? 

george: oh, i got it. 

audrey: you see how it's collapsing? that's what's causing this huge dent. 

george: yeah, phew. 

audrey: so anyway, george, do you know what i was thinking about? 

george: what? 

audrey: remember we talked about taking a trip together? 

george: we did? 

audrey: yeah, we talked about going to hawaii? 

george: hawaii? 

audrey: anyway, i think it would be great to get away after all this. 

george: (removing his glasses) you know, hawaii could be a little tricky right now, there's a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, there's a lot of debris constantly flying around. wood, and uh, lava, pretty dangerous. 

audrey: i never heard that. 

george: oh yeah. my friend lived there. 

audrey: we could go to the caribbean. 

george: you know, i have to tell you something. you couldn't get me on a plane right now. i get those faa reports directly. my uncle sends them to me, he used to be a pilot, so. big investigation in the, uh, what's the word there, uh, offing. it's in the offing. but, you know, you shouldn't let that stop you from going. you could go. i don't mind. 

audrey: george, i don't think this is working. 

isabel: ever since you came back from the army, you've changed. i swear nelson, i don't even know who you are anymore. 

jerry: i'm nelson! 

isabel: that's not the line, jerry. 

jerry: alright, alright, i'm sorry. (reading) nothing's changed, alma, i just need more time. 

isabel: i swear, nelson, sometimes at night, when you're not around, i just go crazy thinking about you. 

jerry: well, you just need to relax. maybe a hobby, bowling is fun. 

isabel: yeah, bowling's good if you're really gross and ugly. 

jerry: (to himself uh oh. my organs are playing chess again. 

jerry's brain: well i'm getting a little tired of this. what do you say we play one for all the marbles? 

jerry's penis: oh brain, what are you doing? you cannot beat me. do you have any idea who you're dealing with? forget about it! 

jerry's brain: i can't take her anymore. i hate reading her stupid little acting scenes. 

jerry's penis: oh, so what? so you read from a little play. you can't put up with that for an hour to make me happy? you're so selfish. give me one hour, then i will take over, you will not have to think for the rest of the night. 

jerry's brain: what about tomorrow morning? do you have any idea what that's like for me? do you care? no, you don't care. so long as you get to do whatever it is you do. you disgust me. 

jerry's penis: oh, go read a book. 

jerry's brain: enough chatting, let's play. 

elaine: you know the only reason i'm doing this is because you took audrey to the hospital. 

kramer: (filling a pipe) yeah, yeah, ok, now uh, you're clear, you got everything? 

elaine: yeah. 

kramer: wait wait wait wait wait. (putting a ring on elaine's finger) here. 

elaine: what do i need this for? 

kramer: because we're engaged. 

elaine: we're engaged? 

kramer: um hm. 

elaine: kramer, this is too big. 

kramer: (lighting his pipe) it's my mom's. 

landlord: hello? 

elaine: oh, uh, hi. i'm wanda pepper, i'm albert pepper's daughter. my father asked me to come here and pick up his jacket for him. 

landlord: oh, hello miss pepper, it's a pleasure to meet you. (to kramer) and you must be professor von nostrand? 

kramer: yes, yes i am. 

landlord: i've read your book, professor, and i was quite intrigued by it. 

kramer: uh, yes. well, it's, uh, very intriguing. 

landlord: tell me, is it your contention that shakespeare was an imposter? 

kramer: my contention? 

landlord: yes, your contention. 

kramer: yes, that's my contention. 

elaine: i heard him contend that. 

landlord: it's too bad about your father. 

elaine: oh, it was a frame-up. 

landlord: a fine man, he spoke often of you. he's very proud of the work you're doing. 

elaine: oh, well, we're all proud of the work i'm doing. 

kramer: she does fine work. 

landlord: your father gave me strict orders not to turn the jacket over to anyone, but i suppose i can make an exception in your case. the closet's this way. 

elaine: how kind of you. 

landlord: you know, your father has a very extensive wardrobe. 

jerry's brain: what's the matter, fella? you look a little tired. ha ha ha ha ha! 

isabel: nelson, don't you see? you are a part of me, and i, i am a part of you. 

jerry's penis: it's killing me. (makes a move) 

jerry's brain: that's your move? 

jerry's penis: yeah. 

jerry's brain: well that's trouble, my friend. that's big trouble. checkmate! 

jerry's penis: (beginning to cough and struggle) getting weak... losing power... you haven't seen the last of me. i'll be back. you're nothing without me. nothing! 

jerry's brain: (before disappearing himself) punk. 

jerry: isabel, uh, i don't think this is working. 

elaine: daddy certainly does have an extensive wardrobe. 

landlord: he is a fine dresser and i'm sure i don't have to tell you he's quite popular with the ladies. 

elaine: my father, really? i had no idea. 

landlord: yes, they're crazy about him. there was one in particular, came around about two years ago, looked a lot like you, professor. could have been your mother. what was her name again? carter? kramer! that's it, babs 

kramer: you don't say? 

elaine: i found it! 

landlord: the woman used to walk around here half naked, sucking colt 45 from a can. her big fat stomach hanging out, orthopedic hose up to her knees, screaming down the hall, "come back to bed, albert, you big hairy ape, and bring back that box of danish!" 

kramer: so i grabbed the guy by the collar. 

elaine: yeah, and i yelled out, kramer! kramer, you're killing him!" 

jerry: so i assume the jig was up. 

elaine: yeah, pretty much. 

audrey: hi. 

elaine: hi! 

jerry: hey. 

audrey: (to george) hello. 

george: (smitten) audrey? my god, you look incredible! i can't believe it! 

audrey: (motioning to kramer) well, it was his doctor. he was wonderful. 

elaine: so, will i see you later tonight? 

audrey: not sure. 

kramer: (rising and putting his arm around audrey's shoulder) well, i'll check you guys out later. (to audrey) ready? 

audrey: (holding up her hand to show the stamp) i didn't wash. 

kramer: neither did i. we're off to the reggae lounge. 

elaine: (after they leave) isn't she beautiful? her nose is in such perfect proportion with the rest of her face. she's breathtaking! who would have though she's like-- 

george: (interrupting) elaine. shut up. 

jerry: how did you get fleas? 

george: because my cousin's imbecile dog was rolling around outside and they got in his carpet. 

jerry: maybe you can get yourself a little bowtie flea collar. 

george: that's not funny. so, are you coming to the party? 

jerry: i'd go, but long island, it's so far out, it smacks of desperation. the whole party, everyone's gonna be saying to me, "you came all the way out from manhattan for this?" 

george: you know ava's gonna be there. 

jerry: who? 

george: the nice one that works in my office. 

jerry: nah. 

george: i'll drive. 

jerry: oh, well, now you're talking. 

george: it's supposed to be a good party. 

jerry: what does that mean, good dip? 

george: no, there'll be girls there. 

jerry: there's girls everywhere. i go out of my apartment, there's girls in the elevator. they're in cafeterias, subways, so what? 

george: there's a hundred different things here. what's the difference between these two? (they each grab a box and check the ingredients) you got propylparabin? 

jerry: got it. 

george: you got isobutane-30? 

jerry: i got isobutane-20. 

george: a-ha. 

jerry: you got sorbitant sesquioliate? 

george: got it. 

jerry: i have aloe! 

george: you got aloe? i love aloe. 

jerry: where do they make yours? 

george: jersey. 

jerry: white plains. 

jerry: girls. there's girls right here in the store. look, look, there's one over there. look, there's another one. soon as i walk outside there'll be girls out there. what's the matter? 

george: i gave her a twenty, she only gave me change for a ten. 

jerry: are you sure? oh boy, here we go. 

george: (to the cashier) excuse me, i gave you a twenty dollar bill and you only actually gave me change for a ten. 

cashier: you gave me a ten. 

george: i'm positive i gave you a twenty. 

cashier: i know what you gave me. 

george: you owe me ten dollars. 

cashier: will you please step aside? next? 

george: alright, let's just examine the situation for a second. who, in this situation, would be more likely to make a mistake? me, who had access to my wallet, knew exactly what was in there? or you-- 

cashier: you. 

george: no, no, no, see you're not really listening. 

security guard: what's the problem here? 

george: no problem. there's no problem. she just owes me ten dollars, that's all. 

cashier: he's claiming short. 

security guard: alright, let's just take it outside. 

george: oh, so you don't believe me either? 

security guard: come on, let's go. 

george: you haven't won. you may think you've won, but you haven't won. do you know why? it's not over. this is not over. i'm not forgetting what's happening here. you have my ten dollars. i will get it back. alright, don't worry. it's not over. i'm going now. good bye. i will be back. 

elaine: well don't stand here, let's walk in, blend in, blend in. 

jerry: no, let's survey first. camp here. 

george: (waving eva. 

jerry: what could possess anyone to throw a party? i mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room. 

ava: so, guess who just sold 129 west 81st. 

george: oh no you didn't. get out, when? 

ava: yesterday 

george: i don't believe it. 

ava: ask mark. 

george: mark, is this true? 

jerry: yeah, this has got disaster written all over it. 

elaine: how did i ever let you talk me into this, i must have been out of my mind. 

jerry: now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. in case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it. 

elaine: how old are you? 

jerry: thirty-six. what's the signal? howbout this? chicken wing? no, no, no, i got a better one. head patting. 

elaine: whatever you want. 

guy: you came all the way out from manhattan for this? 

jerry: yeah, yeah i did. 

guy: so what do you do? 

jerry: (patting his head i'm a comedian. 

guy: are you? lemme ask you something. where do you get your material? 

jerry: (still patting) i hear a voice. 

guy: what kind of voice? 

jerry: a man's voice, but he speaks in german so i have to get a translator. 

guy: how come you keep tapping your head. 

jerry: it's a nervous tic. i'm on l-dopa. 

guy: on the other hand, you take a guy like george washington carver. the man devoted his whole life to the peanut. imagine having so much passion for something. 

guy: ya know, people tell me i'm a funny guy. 

guy: i've often wondered if he ever worked with the pecan. 

elaine: yeah, me too. 

guy: now is that considered a nut, because i know the cashew is a legume. 

george: how's it going? 

jerry: great, how about you? 

george: i can't believe what's happening here. she hasn't taken her hands off me all night. she was always friendly around the office, but that was it. 

jerry: how do you account for this? 

george: i don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head. 

jerry: well, she obviously liked you all along. 

george: no, i would have picked up on it. i can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know. with me, they could torture me, i wouldn't tell them. if anything i'd try to make them think i don't like them, then they think, "oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him." 

jerry: anyway, i'm ready to go. 

george: now? 

jerry: if not now, when? 

george: gimme a half-hour. 

jerry: okay, half-hour. 

guy: peanut brittle, peanut butter, peanut oil... 

jerry: (interrupting) can i talk to you for a second? 

elaine: oh, excuse me. (gets up to talk with jerry) what have you been doing, i've been smacking myself senseless. people think i'm a mental patient. 

jerry: hey, i was dying over there. 

elaine: this guy's going off on the peanut. now pay attention. 

ellen: yeah, i think i've seen you in a club. you talk about a lot of everyday things, right? 

jerry: right. 

ellen: yeah, i remember you. 

woman: i wonder what happened to my fianc. i know he's here somewhere. ellen? have you seen my fianc? 

ellen: he's upstairs. 

woman: are you going upstairs? tell my fianc i'm looking for him. i havelost my fianc, the poor baby. 

elaine: maybe the dingo ate your baby. 

woman: what? 

elaine: the dingo ate your baby! 

jerry: you ready? 

george: listen, i have a tremendous favor to ask. 

jerry: i do favors. 

george: i think something's happening here. 

jerry: what? 

george: i think she wants me to take her home. 

jerry: wow. 

george: what should i do? 

jerry: go! what could you do? 

george: what about you and elaine? 

jerry: we'll get a ride. 

george: are you sure? 

jerry: we'll be fine, what did she say? 

george: she told me she wants-- (pauses until a woman coming down the stairs passes) she told me she wants me to make love to her. 

jerry: what? she said that? 

george: yeah. 

jerry: get out of here. 

george: i swear. 

jerry: what did you say? 

george: i, i, i can't. 

jerry: what did you say? 

george: please, it's-- 

jerry: what? 

george: i... i... i long for you. 

jerry: i long for you? 

george: i was so shocked i was lucky i said anything. 

jerry: it's okay, that's not bad. 

george: i don't like when a woman says, 'make love to me', it's intimidating. the last time a woman said that to me, i wound up apologizing to her. 

jerry: really? 

george: that's a lot of pressure. make love to me. what am i, in the circus? what if i can't deliver? 

jerry: oh, come on. 

george: i can't perform under pressure. that's why i never play anything for money, i choke. i could choke tonight. and she works in my office, can you imagine? she goes around telling everyone what happened? maybe i should cancel, i have a very bad feeling about this. 

jerry: george, you're thinking too much. 

george: i know, i know, i can't stop it! 

elaine: well, right now i'm reading manuscripts for pendant publishing. 

jerry: (walking up) pendant? those bastards. 

elaine: excuse me. 

jerry: listen, george is going home with this ava from his office 

elaine: really? huh. what a world. so we can go now? 

jerry: uh, no, he's taking the car. 

elaine: well, what are we gonna do for a ride? 

jerry: i don't know. 

elaine: you don't know? 

jerry: maybe kramer can come pick us up. 

elaine: oh great, oh, this is great. how could you let him take the car? 

jerry: there's nothing i could do, it's part of the code. 

elaine: (noticing ava in a fur) oh look at that. look at what she's wearing. you see what she's wearing? 

jerry: yeah, yeah, alright. 

elaine: i can't believe she's walking around in that. 

jerry: just don't make a scene. 

elaine: hey, is that real fur? 

jerry: oh boy. 

ava: it better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation. 

george: yeah, good night. 

elaine: you don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good? 

george: could we talk about this some other time? 

ava: are you a vegetarian? 

jerry: here we go. 

elaine: yeah, i eat fish occasionally. 

ava: so you're a hypocrite. 

george: hey, i've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect. anyway- 

ava: well, talk to me when you stop eating fish. 

elaine: fish don't feel any pain. 

ava: how do you know? do you communicate with fish? 

elaine: well, they're not kept in little cages. 

ava: ever seen a goldfish? 

george: goldfish. 

elaine: yeah, yeah i've seen goldfish. they're not unhappy. 

ava: oh yeah, right. swim around in a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet, that's a good life. (to george) let's go. 

elaine: oh yeah, that's right. go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel! 

george: that's why we're here in america. 

jerry: you're beautiful. 

elaine: call kramer. 

jerry: alright. (approaches host) excuse me, this is your party, right? 

steve: no, i just live here. 

jerry: can i use your phone? 

steve: what's in it for me? 

jerry: a bigger bill? 

steve: he he, go for it. 

jerry: krame? sein. what are you doing? well, i'm stuck out here on long island. what are your thoughts about taking a ride? you sure? okay, but don't leave me hanging here. okay, great. let me give you directions. 

elaine: you sure you don't need any help? 

jenny: no, not really. 

jerry: i'm sure he'll be here any minute. 

jenny: (to steve) i want them out of here. 

elaine: call him again. 

jerry: i called, what should i do? (to jenny) we really appreciate this. 

jenny: (to steve) it's two o'clock in the morning. 

jerry: (noticing a coffee table book) oh, you got the civil war book. i saw some of that show, it was wonderful. 

elaine: six hundred and twenty million people died. 

jerry: thousand. 

elaine: thousand. six hundred and twenty thousand. the horror, the horror. (to jerry) the wife keeps giving us dirty looks. are you sure you gave him the right directions? 

jerry: yes. (to jenny) you're sure there's nothing we can do? 

jenny: no! (to steve) i am not going to bed with them in our house, this is ridiculous. 

jerry: you know a friend of my father's used to live right around here. mike wichter. he sold plastic straws. you know the ones? you could bend them. 

elaine: have you noticed, people don't use straws as much as they used to for some reason. 

jenny: you know, it doesn't look as if your friend is coming. 

jerry: oh, he's coming. 

jenny: maybe you should take a look at a train schedule. 

jerry: that's him. 

jenny: i'm going to bed! 

elaine: thanks a lot. 

jerry: thanks, great party. 

kramer: hey, how ya doing? 

steve: ah, look who's here. 

kramer: i'm sorry. 

jerry: hey, it's okay. 

kramer: i had the directions on the seat right next to me, they flew out the window. 

elaine: then how did you find the place? 

kramer: well i knew the exit on the long island expressway, and i thought that the address was 8713 riviera drive. uh uh, so i drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, whoo. finally, i hit it. 8173. 

jerry: anyway, thanks a lot for letting us stay here, steve, i really owe you one. 

steve: no problem. 

jerry: and if you're ever in the city, you know, you want to come to a comedy club, whatever. 

steve: hey, i might take you up on that. 

jerry: (writing) here's my address and number. and really, thanks again. 

kramer: (to elaine) you better zip up. i couldn't get the top on the convertible up. 

elaine: but it's cold out. 

kramer: yeah, wait till we get on the expressway. 

jerry: george, i've been sick all week. elaine was too. eighty miles an hour, forty degree temperature for fifty minutes. do the math. yeah, maybe i will get out. hey, let me just stop off at the drug store first. okay, meet me down there in fifteen minutes then we'll go do something. yeah, selwyn's. okay bye. 

jerry: who is it? 

voice: mr. pocatello. 

jerry: who? 

voice: you mean you don't recognize my voice? 

steve: jerry, baby! 

jerry: do i know you? 

steve: boy this comedy's really frying your brain. 

jerry: i'm sorry, uh- 

steve: see, this is the kind of lasting impression i make on people. 

jerry: oh, okay. 

steve: you said if i was ever in the city, i'm in the city. 

jerry: you certainly are. what's going on? 

steve: i'm just waiting for a lift back to the island, he won't be ready until eleven, so i figured i'd give you a break. i thought i'd see what it was like to hang out with someone in show business. 

jerry: listen, i'm really sorry but i'm just on my way out to meet a friend. 

steve: oh, come on, you can come up with something better than that. 

jerry: no, really, i just got off the phone with him. 

steve: i understand. 

jerry: look, you can hang out here if you want. 

steve: don't be so enthusiastic. 

jerry: no, it's- 

steve: i'm not gonna steal anything. 

jerry: no, of course not, just close the door when you leave. 

steve: i think i can do that. 

jerry: really, i'm sorry. maybe another time. 

steve: yeah. let's have lunch. 

jerry: they guy's in my house right now. what a mistake that party was, i never should have gone. 

george: yeah, me either. 

jerry: oh, come on. 

george: what come on? have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office? 

jerry: i've never had a job. 

george: you know the anxiety you feel on a date? that's what i have every day now. my worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date. 

jerry: that's one of dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it? 

george: ava was one of the reasons i used to like going to work, she was a friend. now we sleep together and suddenly, i don't know how to talk to her. every time i go to the bathroom i pass her desk. i have to plan little patter. i spend half my day writing. then afterwards, i sit in my office and analyze how it went. if it was a good conversation, i don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day. i see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, i think, 'that used to be me. i want to go back there again.' 

jerry: what are you gonna do? 

george: i have no choice, i'm quitting. 

kramer: the party, long island? 

steve: kramer, right? 

kramer: hey, what are you doing here? 

steve: i'm waiting for my ride. 

kramer: where's jerry? 

steve: he split. let me ask you something. is there anything to drink in here or is that, like, a stupid question? 

kramer: well, jerry, he doesn't have anything. (sensing steve's disappointment) well, but i might have something. 

jerry: alright, i'm gonna get this. this looks good. 

george: how much is that? 

jerry: nine sixty. 

george: nine sixty? give it to me. 

jerry: why? 

george: don't worry, i got it. 

jerry: what do you mean, you got it? 

george: i got it. 

jerry: since when are you treating me to medicine? what are you doing? you're stealing this, aren't you? 

george: i'm not stealing it. they owe me ten dollars. they stole from me. 

jerry: you're a lunatic. 

george: i have to do this, it's a matter of honor. 

jerry: what do you say to a person like you? 

george: just walk. 

jerry: oh. 

security guard: scuse me. what do you got there? 

george: what? 

security guard: what do you got in your shirt? 

george: oh, i was gonna pay for this. 

security guard: (grabbing george by the elbow and walking him to the counter) come with me. 

george: (nervous) where are you taking me? i was gonna pay for it. 

cashier: um-hmm. 

security guard: you don't think i remember you? 

george: (more nervous) what are you talking about? 

security guard: i know who you are, i was watching you. 

george: (panicky) what are you gonna do? are you gonna call the police? 

jerry: can i still buy this or is this evidence now? 

kramer: so, i'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the top of her lungs, and then when the magician comes back from europe, two of them turned brown! well i followed the instructions! 

steve: (hysterical) ah, they turned brown!! brown!! (the laughter winds down) so let me ask you something, you know any women we could call? 

kramer: not really. 

steve: maybe we should call one of those escort services. i saw one of them advertised before on the cable station. 

kramer: (handing steve the phone) 555-love. 

steve: hey, you want in on this? 

kramer: no, i got a girl in the next building 

voice: now i want my money, mister, and i ain't leaving until i get it. now i am through playing games with you, i got things to do. 

steve: (drunk and slurring) oh jerry! jerry! look who's here, it's jerry 

jerry: what the hell? 

steve: jerry, this is patti. 

jerry: nice to meet you. 

patti: it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, i'm sure. 

jerry: what the hell is going on here? 

steve: i don't know, but i gotta do this more often. (the buzzer goes off) ooh, there's my ride, finally. 

patti: i'm not gonna go anywhere until i get the rest of my money. 

steve: see ya, jerr. and tell kramer thanks and i'll call him tomorrow. 

jerry: oh, kramer huh? 

steve: yeah, he's a hoot. oh, goodbye, my dear. (trying to kiss patti's hand as she pulls it away) ouch. (to jerry) weekend of the 26th, come on out, we're having another party. 

patti: i ain't leaving. 

jerry: patti? 

patti: you got anything to drink? 

jerry: alright, how much does he owe you? 

patti: fifty dollars. 

jerry: (taking out his wallet and handing over bills grudgingly) fifty dollars. 

cop: this your apartment? 

jerry: yeah, but-- 

cop: you're under arrest for solicitation of prostitution. 

jerry: wait a second, i-- 

elaine: i brought you chicken soup. (to patti) is that real fur? 

jerry & cop: oh boy. 

george: you had sgt. chadway? me too. 

jerry: he was a nice guy. 

george: oh, great guy. 

jerry: was there a red-headed guy there? 

george: the one with the long sideburns? 

jerry: yeah. 

george: where does he come off? 

jerry: yeah, i know. there's no call for that kind of attitude. 

george: one of the guys in my cell threw a piece of gum at him. 

jerry: oh, we all hated him. 

jerry: do you believe this? the car was parked right out front. 

george: was the alarm on? 

jerry: i don't know, i guess it was on. i don't know my alarm sound; i'm not tuned in to it like it's my son. 

george: i don't understand, how do these thieves start the car? 

jerry: they cross the wires or something. 

george: cross the wires? i can't even make a pot of spaghetti. 

jerry: they stole my car. 

kramer: who did? 

jerry: they did. 

kramer: was it more than just one? 

jerry: what should i do, should i call the police? 

kramer: what are they gonna do? 

jerry: i'd better call the car phone company, cancel my service. 

george: maybe you should call your car phone. 

jerry: yeah, he's probably driving it right now. 

george: wait a minute, call the car phone, see what happens. 

jerry: are you serious? 

george: yeah, go ahead, call. 

jerry: i don't even know if i remember the number. 

jerry: what do i say if he picks up? 

car thief: hello? 

jerry: hello? is this 555-8383? 

car thief: i have no idea. 

jerry: can i ask you a question? 

car thief: sure. 

jerry: did you steal my car? 

car thief: yes i did. 

jerry: you did?! 

car thief: i did. 

jerry: that's my car! 

car thief: i didn't know it was yours. 

jerry: what are you gonna do with it? 

car thief: i dunno, drive around. 

jerry: then can i have it back? 

car thief: mmmm, nah, i'm gonna keep it. 

kramer: hello? 

car thief: yeah, who's this? 

kramer: kramer. 

car thief: hello, kramer. 

kramer: listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment. 

car thief: wait, hold on... brown ones? 

kramer: yeah. listen, could you mail those to me? or bring them by my building, it's 129 west 81st st. 

car thief: one-two-nine, okay. 

kramer: thanks a lot, uh here's jerry. 

jerry: (derisively at kramer) gloves. (into the phone) hello? 

car thief: jerry? 

jerry: yeah, let me ask you a question. how do you cross those wires? 

car thief: i didn't cross any wires, the keys were in it. 

jerry: sid left the keys in the car. alright, i gotta go. drive carefully. 

car thief: jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? because i can't find the-- 

jerry: sid left the keys in the car. 

george: who's sid? 

jerry: he's this guy in the neighborhood, parks cars on the block. 

george: what do you mean? 

jerry: he moves them from one side of the street to the other so you don't get a ticket. 

george: what, do you pay him for that? 

jerry: yeah, like fifty bucks a month. 

george: how many people does he do that for? 

jerry: the whole block, forty, fifty cars. 

kramer: he only works three hours a day. he makes a fortune. course he's been doing that for years, right jerry? 

george: could anybody do that? 

jerry: hey sid, what happened? 

sid: i'm sorry, jerry. maybe i'm getting too old for this stuff. 

jerry: you left the keys in the car? 

sid: well, you know they're making that woody allen movie in the block, and all those people and trucks everywhere, when i saw him i must have got a little distracted. 

kramer: you know i'm in that movie? 

george: you are? 

kramer: yeah, i'm an extra. 

george: how'd you get that? 

kramer: well, i was just watching them film yesterday and some guy just asked me. 

george: right out of the clear blue sky? 

kramer: clear blue sky! 

george: well, why didn't they ask me? 

kramer: i got a quality. 

sid: jerry, you got insurance, right? 

jerry: yeah, but no car. i'll have to rent one. 

sid: well i'm going down to visit my sister in virginia next wednesday, for a week, so i can't park it. 

jerry: this wednesday? 

sid: no, next wednesday, week after this wednesday. 

jerry: but the wednesday two days from now is the next wednesday. 

sid: if i meant this wednesday, i would have said this wednesday. it's the week after this wednesday. 

george: sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away? 

sid: whoever wants to move them, why do i care who moves them? they can move themselves if they want. 

george: maybe i could move them until you get back. 

sid: what's a young man like you want to move cars for? you don't work? 

george: i'm in a transition phase right now. 

sid: well if you want to move the cars, move the cars. just don't forget to take the keys out, that's all. 

jerry: hello? yeah, the defroster's the one on the bottom, just slide it all the way over. you're welcome. 

elaine: i'm in awe of his intellect, when he talks it sounds like he's reading from one of his novels. 

jerry: owen march, i never heard of him. 

elaine: well, he's not a baseball player. 

jerry: yeah, that's true. well it sounds like it's going pretty good. 

elaine: yeah. well, there is one little problem. 

jerry: what's that? 

elaine: he's sixty-six years old. 

rental car agent: next please. 

elaine: well, go, go. 

rental car agent: can i help you? name please? 

jerry: seinfeld. i made a reservation for a mid-size, and she's a small. i'm kidding around, of course. 

rental car agent: okay, let's see here. 

jerry: sixty-six years old? 

elaine: yeah, well, he's in perfect health. he works out, he's vibrant. you'd really like him. 

jerry: why do people always say that? i hate everyone, why would i like him? 

elaine: what do you think, would you go out with a sixty-six year old woman? 

jerry: well, i'll tell you, she would have to be really vibrant. so vibrant, she'd be spinning. 

rental car agent: i'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment. 

jerry: i don't understand, i made a reservation, do you have my reservation? 

rental car agent: yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars. 

jerry: but the reservation keeps the car here. that's why you have the reservation. 

rental car agent: i know why we have reservations. 

jerry: i don't think you do. if you did, i'd have a car. see, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. anybody can just take them. 

rental car agent: let me, uh, speak with my supervisor. 

jerry: uh, here we go. the supervisor. you know what she's saying over there? 

elaine: what? 

jerry: hey marge, you see those two people over there? they think i'm talking to you, so you pretend like you're talking to me, okay now you start talking. 

elaine: oh, you mean like this? so it looks like i'm saying something but i'm not really saying anything at all? 

jerry: now you say something else and they won't yell at me 'cause they thought i was checking with you. 

elaine: okay, that's it. i think that's enough, see you later. 

rental car agent: i'm sorry, my supervisor says there's nothing we can do. 

jerry: yeah, it looked as if you were in a real conversation over there. 

rental car agent: but we do have a compact if you would like that. 

jerry: fine. 

rental car agent: alright. we have a blue ford escort for you mr. seinfeld. would you like insurance? 

jerry: yeah, you better give me the insurance, because i am gonna beat the hell out of this car. 

rental car agent: please fill this out. 

elaine: what do you think, you think i'm making a big mistake? 

jerry: hey, if you enjoy being with him, that's what's important. 

elaine: i love being with him. i mean, i like being with him. it's okay being with him. 

elaine: i just don't enjoy being with him. 

jerry: well that's what's important. 

elaine: i'm meeting him for lunch at chadway's around the corner, do i have to break up with him face to face or can i just wait and do it over the phone? 

jerry: how many times you been out with him? 

elaine: seven? 

jerry: face to face. 

elaine: seven dates is a face-to-face break up? 

jerry: if it was six i could have let you go, but seven, i'm afraid, is over the limit. unless, of course, there was no sex. 

elaine: hmm... how's the pasta over there? 

kramer: whoa, whoa!! 

jerry: what is going on out there? 

george: i need like a bucket of water! i got a car overheating, i got an alarm that won't go off, i'm pressing 'one', i'm pressing 'two', nothing! what do i do?! help me! help me! 

kramer: hey, you know they were supposed to do my scene today? 

elaine: today?! 

kramer: you know they told me that they wanted me to walk down the block carrying this bag of groceries. 

elaine: yeah. 

kramer: so i start to walk, and i trip, and the grocery bag goes flying, and woody, woody starts laughing. 

elaine: he was laughing?! 

kramer: oh yeah, he was drinking something, it started to come out of his nose. 

jerry: so then what? 

kramer: i got a line in the movie! 

elaine: get out! 

jerry: that's great! 

george: you got a line in the woody allen movie? 

kramer: pretty good, huh? 

george: you're in the movie? is he in the scene? 

kramer: oh yeah, yeah, it's me and him. i might have a whole new career on my hands, huh? 

jerry: you mean *a* career. 

elaine: so was mia farrow there? 

kramer: uh, i didn't see him. 

elaine: what's your line? 

kramer: oh, well uh, okay i'm there with, uh, woody, you know, i'm at this bar and, uh, i'm sit-- you know it's woody allen, did i mention that? 

kramer: so i'm sitting there with woody and i say, i turn to him and i go, "boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty." 

george: is that how you're gonna say it? 

kramer: no, no, i'm working on it. 

elaine: do it like this. "these pretzels are making me thirsty." 

jerry: no. "these pretzels are making me thirsty." 

kramer: no, no. see, that's no good. see, you don't know how to act. 

george: "these pretzels are making me thirsty!!" 

george: that was no good? 

kramer: i didn't say anything. 

elaine: i'm gonna go break up with owen. 

george: what was wrong with that? i had a different interpretation! do you know anything about this pretzel guy?! maybe he's been in the bar a really long time and he's really depressed because he has no job and no woman and he's parking cars for a living! (out the window to honking cars) alright! alright! shut up! shut up! i hear you! i'm coming down! these pretzels are making me thirsty! 

jerry: oh my god. 

elaine: call an ambulance. 

jerry: boy, he took it hard. 

elaine: we were walking down the block right by your house and i was just about to break up with him then all of a sudden he started to twitch. 

jerry: (on the phone) hello? yes, i need an ambulance at one twenty nine west eighty-first street, apartment five-a. 

elaine: tell then to hurry! hurry! 

jerry: (to elaine) it's an ambulance. (to the operator) i don't know but he's unconscious. 

kramer: these pretzels are making me thirsty. (he bites into a pretzel.) boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty. 

jerry: kramer. 

kramer: what happened here? 

elaine: i don't know, i don't know, what should we do? we called an ambulance, does anyone know first aid? 

jerry: shouldn't you do something with the extremities? 

elaine: what extremities? 

kramer: what's an extremity? 

jerry: you raise the feet, get blood to the head. 

kramer: you raise the head, you get blood to the feet. 

elaine: okay, what about a cold compress? they always do that. 

jerry: i don't have a washcloth. 

elaine: well use a paper towel. 

jerry: you can't put a paper towel on his head. 

kramer: what about a big sponge? 

jerry: how you gonna hold it on there? 

kramer: use a belt. 

elaine: no no no no no, that'll, it'll drip all over him. 

jerry: should we walk him around? 

elaine and kramer: (at the same time) yes, yes. 

kramer: yeah, i've seen them do that. 

jerry: no, no that's for a drug overdose. 

kramer: maybe that's what he's got. 

elaine: no no no no, kramer, i just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the table. 

kramer: well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking. 

elaine: he is not a drug addict! 

jerry: hey, you know what? maybe he's a diabetic, he might just need a cookie or something. 

elaine: a cookie! 

kramer: can you give him a cookie? 

elaine: how's he gonna chew it? 

jerry: we'll move his teeth, it happened to my uncle, the sugar revived him. 

elaine: careful, you're getting crumbs all over him. 

kramer: i got him chewing but i don't think he's gonna swallow. 

elaine: you know what, let's put a few cookies in a blender and he could drink it. 

jerry: cookies don't liquefy. 

elaine: yes they do, you can liquefy a cookie. 

kramer: alright i'll get a blender. 

jerry: what blender? i don't have a blender. 

kramer: you got a blender. 

jerry: i would know if i had a blender. 

elaine: where is the ambulance?! 

jerry: (on phone) hello, yes, i called for an ambulance like thirty-five minutes ago. 

elaine: i can't believe what's going on out here. 

jerry: this is an emergency, what's taking so long? (the door buzzer buzzes) wait a second, maybe that's them. (presses button) hello? 

voice: paramedics. 

jerry: come on up. okay, they're here. 

elaine: he seems to be breathing. 

jerry: ya know, i gotta tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy. 

elaine: i know. 

jerry: those eyebrows could use a trimming, you ever mention that to him? 

elaine: almost. 

jerry: hey, look at this, c'mon, running wild there. 

elaine: it's not an easy thing to bring up. 

jerry: yeah, that's true. 

elaine: aw, you should see his bathrobe, man, it's all silk. 

jerry: yeah? does he wear slippers? i bet he wears slippers. 

elaine: he does, how'd you know that? 

jerry: i could tell. 

elaine: what happened, what took you so long?! 

paramedic: we got here twenty minutes ago but we couldn't move, the whole intersection is gridlocked, i've never seen anything like it. so finally we make the turn and this guy who's running around triple-parking cars slammed into us with a blue escort. 

jerry: blue escort? that's my rent-a-car! 

george: oh man. 

jerry: what happened to the car? 

george: sorry, you don't know what's going on out there! (looks at owen) who's he? 

elaine: this guy i'm seeing. 

george: what happened? 

jerry: we don't know! 

paramedic: who put cookies in his mouth? 

jerry and elaine: cookies? 

paramedic: you're not supposed to do that. 

jerry: so how'd you hit the car? 

george: i was moving it across the street, i looked up and i saw woody allen and i got all distracted. 

jerry: it's not even my car, it's a rental. 

kramer: what are you doing out there?! you're holding up the production of the movie! we can't shoot and woody, he's really mad at you. 

george: woody mentioned me? what did he say? 

kramer: he said, 'who's the moron in the blue jacket who's got the street all screwed up?' 

george: should i apologize to woody? 

kramer: alright, i'll tell you what. next time i talk to him, maybe i'll bring it up. i'll feel him out. 

sid: now you didn't tell me you didn't know how to drive. you should have mentioned that. 

george: well i know how to drive. 

sid: then how'd all those cars get damaged? why are people calling me up screaming on the phone? most of them cancelled out on me. 

jerry: can i get anybody anything? 

sid: moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. my question to you is who's putting your pants on? 

george: i put my pants on, sid. 

sid: i don't believe you. if you can put your pants on, you can move those cars. 

george: well i don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants. 

sid: who's gonna send money to my sister in virginia? her little boy needs surgery on his foot. now he'll be walking around with a limp because you can't park a few cars. 

george: maybe i could call my father. 

kramer: hey, you seen the paper yet? 

jerry: interestingly enough, no, inasmuch as it is my paper. 

kramer: yeah. there's an article in there about that writer. 

jerry: (reading) owen march, prominent author and essayist suffered a stroke yesterday in the upper west side apartment of a friend. 

kramer: uh huh, that's the guy that was here. you're the friend. 

jerry: (continuing) the extent of the damage would have been far less severe had paramedics been able to reach him sooner. 

sid: oh lord. 

jerry: (finishing) the commotion also delayed production of a woody allen movie that was shooting up the block. a spokeswoman for the legendary filmmaker said that mr. allen was extremely agitated and wondered if his days of shooting movies in new york were over. 

elaine: five seconds. jerry, i was five seconds away from breaking up with him. five seconds. the next words out of my mouth were, 'owen, it's over.' 

jerry: can he communicate? 

elaine: yeah, well, he nods. and i think he understands me, he seems to enjoy it when i read to him. 

jerry: alright, she's free. (steps up to the counter) hi, i called before, uh, my car got smashed. 

elaine: so listen, what should i do? i mean if i break up with him now it'll look like i'm abandoning him because of his condition, i'll be ostracized from the community. 

jerry: what community? there's a community? 

elaine: of course there's a community. 

jerry: all these years i'm living in a community, i had no idea. 

rental car agent: sir the estimate on the damage to your car is two thousand eight hundred and sixty-six dollars. 

jerry: hmm, well, i got the insurance and everything so... 

rental car agent: yes, now, uh, in your report you said that you were not the driver of the car at the time of the accident. 

jerry: that is right, somebody else was driving. 

rental car agent: alright, well, sir, you're only covered for when you're driving the car. 

jerry: uh huh, what's that? 

rental car agent: you're not covered for other drivers. 

jerry: other drivers? 

rental car agent: um hm. 

jerry: your whole business is based on other drivers. it's a rented car. that's who's driving it, other drivers. doesn't my credit card cover me or something? 

rental car agent: not that particular one. 

jerry: well i got a hundred cards, here, pick a card, take a card, any card you want, go ahead, whichever one, i don't care. 

rental car agent: sir, if you had read the rental agreement-- 

jerry: did you see the size of that document? it's like the declaration of independence, who's gonna read that? 

rental car agent: mr. seinfeld, as it stands right now, you are not covered for that damage and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about that. 

jerry: these pretzels are making me thirsty. 

elaine: ahh, it's good, isn't it? yankee bean. why yankee bean, huh? don't they have beans in the south? i mean if you order yankee bean in the south, are they offended? huh? (singing) yankee bean, yankee bean, i like my yankee bean. (she puts the bowl down and wipes owen's mouth with a napkin) owen, i think we have to talk. i mean, uh, *i* have to talk. it would be nice if *we* could, but, uh, whatever. um, don't get me wrong, i like coming here, and uh, feeding you and cleaning a little, and paying your bills, that's good stuff. good stuff! i have a wonderful time when i'm with you, wonderful! but at this point in my life, i'm not really sure that i'm ready to make a commitment to one person. i'm just not really sure that we have enough in common. for example, i like running in the park, bicycling, roller skating, tennis and skiing, and um, well, i'm gonna be brutally honest with you now, owen, it's a bitch to get here. it's two subways. i have to transfer at forty-second street to take the double-r. anyway, i mean, this doesn't mean we can't be friends. these pretzels are making me thirsty. 

elaine: can you die from an odor? i mean, like if you were locked in a vomitorium for two weeks, could you actually die from the odor? 

jerry: an overdose of odor? good question. 

george: do i smell? 

elaine: no no no no, i was just down on the forty-second street subway today, it is disgusting. guess who i bumped into. owen. 

jerry: ahh. 

george: he's alright? 

elaine: yeah, he's almost fully recovered. he told me he was just using me for sex. 

jerry: let me get that. 

george: no no no, i got it. 

jerry: please. 

george: no come on, let me, let me. i smashed your car, it cost you over two thousand dollars, 

jerry: (sarcastically) yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it. 

jerry: what are you doing here? 

kramer: i got fired from the movie. 

george: get out of here, why? 

kramer: well, you know they were gonna shoot it today, and uh, we rehearsed it twice, then woody yells 'action!' and i turn to him and i say, 'these pretzels are making me thirsty' and i took a swig of beer, ya know, and i slammed the glass down on the bar and it shattered. 

elaine: aww. 

kramer: well, one of the pieces must have hit woody. he started crying. and he yells out, 'i'm bleeding' and he runs off. anyway, this woman, she came up to me and she says, 'you're fired.' boy i really nailed that scene. 

jerry: aw, wait a--. oh. oh, for crying out loud. 

jerry: i'm sorry it's gotta be a little bit of a scary place to work. i don't know how you feel about it. you want to be standing there having people comming in all day going "i need knives. i need more knives. do you have any bigger knives? i'd like a bigger knife, a big, long, sharp knife, that's what i'm in the market for. i like them really sharp. do you have one with hooks and gouges like blades and kind of serrated? that's the kind of knife i'm looking for. i need one i can throw. i need another one i can just hack away with. do you have anything like that? 

jerry: oh yeah, like you know what you're talking about. 

george: like you do. 

jerry: well what do you think? they put the statue on a giant raft and a tugboat pulled it all the way from france? 

george: what do you think? the brought it over in pieces and screwed it together like a coffee table? 

jerry: i don't know. it's too early for a christmas party isn't it? 

george: why did france give that to us anyway? 

jerry: it was a gift. 

george: so countries just exchange gifts like that? 

jerry: if they like each other. 

george: there's elaine. 

jerry: see that guy he's talking with? that's her new boyfriend. 

george: really? they work here in the office? 

jerry: yeah. they're having a little fling so don't say anything. 

george: who am i going to tell? my mother? like i've got nothing better to talk about. 

jerry: you don't. he's a recovering alcoholic. 

george: really? 

jerry: yeah. he's been off the wagon for two years. 

george: "off the wagon"? 

jerry: i think it's off the wagon. 

george: i think it's "on the wagon". 

elaine: jerry, george, what are you doing here? 

jerry: what am i doing here? ba-boom (holding out a present) 

elaine: *gasp* my god! my watch! you found my watch! (pushing jerry) 

jerry: hey keep your hands to yourself if you know what's good for you. 

elaine: where did you find it? 

jerry: under the sofa cushion. 

elaine: and you stopped by just to give it to me? 

jerry: it's your christmas present. 

elaine: i though i'd never find it. 

george: well today's your lucky day. 

elaine: no. today's *your* lucky day. 

george: it will be my first one. 

elaine: you want to work here? 

george: huh? 

elaine: yeah one of the readers left and there's a job opening. dick, this is jerry and this is george. 

dick: hi nice to meet you. is this the guy? 

jerry: "the guy?" 

elaine: (softly to dick) dick. 

george: how can you just get it? 

elaine: my boss told me to find someone. i'm in charge of it. all you have to do is meet him. come on. come on, come on, here hold my drink. 

jerry: cranberry juice? 

elaine: and vodka. 

dick: i got the cranberry juice. 

dick: so... you're jerry. 

jerry: so... i'm jerry. (he puts down the drink) 

mr. lippman: (what is his name?) so have you ever done this kind of work before? 

george: well, you know, book reports. that kind of stuff. 

mr. lippman: how do you read? 

george: i like mike lubika. 

mr. lippman: mike lubika? 

george: he's a sports writer for the daily news. i find him very insightful... 

mr. lippman: no, no, no. i mean authors. 

george: lot of good ones. i don't even want to mention anyone because i'm afraid i'm going to leave somebody out. 

mr. lippman: name a couple. 

george: who do i like? i, like, uh, art, vandelay. 

mr. lippman: art vandelay? 

george: he's an obscure writer. betnik, on the village. 

mr. lippman: what has he written? 

george: venetian blinds. 

dick: (picking up the drink) i've got new for you. i'm funnier than you are. 

jerry: why don't get we together new years day and watch some football. 

elaine: where's my drink? 

jerry: there. (turns to george) so, how did it go? 

george: i think he was impressed. 

elaine: no, no, no, this is just cranberry juice. 

jerry: oh, uh, i think maybe dick picked up yours. 

elaine: dick? he can't drink. he's an alcoholic. i told you to hold it. 

jerry: i didn't know you meant *hold* it, i thought you meant hold it. 

elaine: one drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon. 

george: told you. 

jerry: i never feel comfortable in the women's department. i feel like i'm just a *little* too close to trying on a dress. 

george: do i really have to buy her something? 

jerry: hey the woman got you a job. the least you could do is buy her a gift. how about this? 

george: what is that? is that cashmere? 

jerry: yeah. she would love cashmere. 

george: who doesn't like cashmere? find me one person in the world that doesn't like cashmere. it's too expensive. 

jerry: look at this. it's 85 dollars marked down from 600. 

george: wow. excuse me, miss? 

sales woman: yes? 

george: how come this sweater is only 85 dollars? 

sales woman: (showing the dot) oh, here. this is why. 

george: what? i don't see anything. 

sales woman: see this red dot? 

george: oh yeah. 

jerry: oh it's damaged. (grabbing the sweater) 

george: (grabbing the sweater back) well it's not really damaged. 85 dollars huh? 

sales woman: there's no exchanges on this. 

george: you think she would care about the red dot? 

jerry: it's hard to say. 

george: i don't even think she'd notice it. can you see it? 

jerry: well i can see it. 

george: yeah, but you know where it is. 

jerry: well what do you want me to do? not look at it? 

george: pretend you didn't know it was there. can you see it? 

jerry: it's hard to pretend because i know where it is. 

george: well just take an overview. can't you just take an overview? 

jerry: you want me to take an overview? 

george: please. 

jerry: i see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. that's my overview. 

jerry: yeah so? 

elaine: he's acting very strangely. i think he started drinking again. 

jerry: oh boy, can you smell it? 

elaine: no. i can't smell it. 

jerry: well if you can't smell it then he hasn't been drinking. 

elaine: you don't always smell someone from a drink. 

jerry: yes you do. 

elaine: what about one drink? would you smell it from one drink? 

jerry: yes you would. 

jerry: i'll prove it. would you do me a favor? 

kramer: okay. 

jerry: would you take a drink and let us smell you? 

kramer: you can smell me without the drink. 

elaine: i suspect that this guy i'm seeing might be drinking but i can't smell it. 

kramer: okay, well what am i drinking? what do you got? 

jerry: i got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave me. it's hennigans. it's been here for two years. i've been using it as a paint thinner. 

kramer: all right. 

jerry: i don't smell anything. 

elaine: maybe we're too close to the bottle. 

jerry: yeah. 

george: (over the speaker) it's george. 

jerry: come on up. 

kramer: that is *damn* good scotch. i could do a commercial for this stuff. mmmmm, boy that hennigans goes down smooth. and afterwords you don't even smell. that's right folks. i just had three shots of hennigans and i don't smell. imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. that's hennigans, the no-smell, no-tell scotch. 

george: hello everybody. 

kramer: hey. (snuggling really close to george) i'm going to tell you what i think. i know you don't care what i think, but i'm going to tell you. i think that you are terrific. 

george: (uncomfortablly) thank you. 

elaine: hey what's that? 

george: it's an early christmas present. 

elaine: christmas present? for who? 

george: for you. 

elaine: *gasp* (pushing george) get out of here. 

kramer: say you got a big job interview, and you're a little nervous. well throw back a couple shots of hennigans and you'll be as loose as a goose and ready to roll in no time. and because it's odorless, why, it will be our little secret. (singing) h-e-double n... 

jerry: kramer. yeah that'll do. 

elaine: (opening the present) oh george, this is beautiful. is this cashmere? 

george: of course it's cashmere. 

elaine: oh, i love cashmere. 

george: well who doesn't. 

elaine: my, george this must have cost a fortune. 

george: ahh, money. 

elaine: jerry, how could you let him spend so much money? 

jerry: i tried to stop him. i couldn't. he just wants to make people happy. 

elaine: george, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me. 

george: well good, good. take it off you're going to wear it out already. it's for special occasions this thing. 

kramer: what's that red dot on your sweater? 

elaine: what? 

george: just take it off. i'm getting hot just looking at it. 

elaine: uhh. this. it's like a red dot. 

george: what red dot? what are you talking about? jerry come here for a second. do you see anything here? 

jerry: (uncomfortable) uh, i don't know. uh, i don't know. 

elaine: what don't you know? 

jerry: i don't know. 

elaine: well do you see it or don't you? 

jerry: ahem. say that again? 

elaine: do you see it or don't you? 

jerry: do i see it... or don't i? that's the question. 

jerry: now what did you ask me again. 

elaine: you're still here. you're a dynamo. 

george: i can't believe i get paid for this. 

elaine: i'll see you tomorrow. 

george: how you doing? 

cleaning woman: hello. 

jerry: you had sex with the cleaning woman on your desk? who are you, how did you do that? 

george: hennigans. i was there sitting in the office and the cleaning woman comes in. i've always been attracted to cleaning women. cleaning women, chambermaids. 

jerry: yeah chambermaids, i'm attracted to them too. 

george: why is that? 

jerry: it's a woman in your room. so go ahead. 

george: so she starts vaccuming, back and forth, back and forth, her hips swivelling, her breasts, uh... (trying to think of a word) 

jerry: convulsing? 

george: convulsing? 

jerry: i don't know, i'm trying to help you. 

george: then i asked her if she wanted a drink. 

jerry: you don't drink. 

george: i know but i couldn't think of anything else to say to her. 

jerry: so you started drinking. 

george: so we started drinking, and i'll tell you i don't know if it was the alcohol or the ammonia, but the next think i knew she was mopping the floor with me. 

jerry: so how was it? 

george: well the sex was okay, but i threw up from the hennigans. 

jerry: good thing the cleaning lady was there. 

elaine: dick was fired. 

jerry: you mean to tell me if i had put that drink six inches over to the right, and none of this would have happened. 

elaine: you knew he was an alcoholic. why'd you put the drink down at all? 

jerry: what are you saying? 

elaine: i'm not saying anything. 

jerry: you're saying something. 

elaine: what could i be saying? 

jerry: well you're not saying nothing you must be saying something. 

elaine: if i was saying something i would have said it. 

jerry: well why don't you say it? 

elaine: i said it. 

jerry: what did you say? 

elaine: nothing. it's exhausting being with you. 

jerry: yeah? 

george: (over the speaker) it's george. 

jerry: come on up. 

elaine: hey, let me ask you something something. did george buy that sweater knowing the red dot was on it because it was cheaper? (jerry is unconfortable) ooookay, you just gave me the answer. 

jerry: no i didn't. 

elaine: yes you did, yes you did. i saw your expression. 

jerry: i didn't have an expression. i have a deviated septum. i have to open my mouth sometimes to breathe. 

elaine: how much did he save? 

jerry: frankly i am shocked that you would ask such a question (elaine sticking out her tongue like she isn't buying a word of it) of me, that you would think - the only surprise is how you could even think of that. that's what you were seeing. 

george: i have to talk to elaine. this cleaing lady is turning the screws on me. she's pushing for this whole relationship thing. she keeps calling me, threatening to go to the boss with this thing, i could lose my job, i gotta do something to keep her quiet. 

jerry: elaine is in the bathroom. she's wise to whole red dot thing. she's asking me all kinds of questions. 

george: did you tell her anything? 

jerry: no. 

george: do you swear? 

jerry: i'm not swearing. i don't want to swear. 

george: oh you told her didn't you. 

jerry: no. 

elaine: hey george, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount? 

george: what? did i what? 

elaine: you did didn't you. 

george: elaine, i'm, i'm shocked. i'm shocked. here i go out in the spirit of the season (elaine looking like she's not buying a word of it) and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful christmas sweater i have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at christmas and this is the thanks that i get at christmas. 

elaine: well jerry told me that you did. 

george: you told her? how could you tell her? i told you not to say anything. 

jerry: i didn't tell her you stupid idiot. she tricked you. 

george: elaine you don't understand. i had 103 temperature when i bought that sweater. i was so dizzy i was seeing red dots everywhere. i thought everything in the store had a red dot on it. i couldn't distinguish one red dot from another. i couldn't afford anything. i have nothing. i haven't worked for a really long time. (jerry is standing right behind george. jerry takes out a hankerchief and starts fake-crying in it.) i mean look, i have no clothes, look at what i'm wearing. it's just a little red dot. 

george: this is for you. 

cleaning woman: oh, georgie, you bought this for me? oh i knew you cared for me. 

george: as you care for me. which is why it is very important that you never breathe a word of this to anyone about the... you know. what, with clarence thomas and everything. 

cleaning woman: okay, okay, can i open it now? 

george: yes of course go ahead. my guess is you're going to like this very much. 

cleaning woman: oh! is that cashmere? 

george: of course it's cashemere. 

cleaning woman: a cashmere sweater. oh georgie porgie! 

george: just a little something for christmas. 

cleaning woman: when i was a little girl in panama, a rich american came to our town and he was wearing the softest most beautiful sweater. i said to him, "what do you call this most beautiful fabric?", and he said "they call it cashmere". i repeated the words "cashmere, cashmere". i asked if i could have it, and he said "no. get away from me." then he started walk away. but i grabbed onto his leg screaming for him to give me the sweater and he dragged me through the street. and then he kicked at me with the other foot and threw some change at me. oh, but i didn't want the change georgie. i wanted the cashmere. 

george: i had a feeling you would like it. no, don't try it on now, try it on later. 

cleaning woman: wow, look at this. it feels so beautiful. 

george: take it off. you're going to ruin it. 

cleaning woman: (noticing the dot) what's this? 

jerry: i was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels, you know this thing. i like the hand blower i have to say. it takes a little bit longer, but i feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can. 

dick: the only stench is comming from you. 

audience: oooooh. 

jerry: oh, wait a second, i believe we have a heckler ladies and gentlemen. hey dick i don't know what your problem is. it's not my fault you're back on the wagon. 

dick: it's off the wagon. 

jerry: in the old days how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town? 

dick: i don't know. 

jerry: on the wagon. don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way? 

dick: you can't drink on a wagon it would be too bumpy. 

jerry: they had smooth trails. what about the cumberland gap? 

dick: what the hell do you know about wagons? 

jerry: i know enough not to get on them. 

mr. lippman: i'm going to get right to the point. it has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. is that correct? 

george: who said that? 

mr. lippman: she did. 

george: was that wrong? should i have not done that? i tell you i gotta plead ignorance on this thing because if anyone had said anything to me at all when i first started here that that sort of thing was frouned upon, you know, cause i've worked in a lot of offices and i tell you peope do that all the time. 

mr. lippman: you're fired. 

george: well you didn't have to say it like that. 

mr. lippman: i want you out of here by the end of the day. 

george: what about the whole christmas spirit thing? any flexability there? 

mr. lippman: nah. wait, wait, she wanted me to give you this. 

elaine: you had sex on your desk with the cleaning woman. 

george: you never had sex in the office before? 

elaine: no. i once made out with someone but that was it. 

george: alright so you made out with someone. 

elaine: well that's not sex. 

george: kissing is sex. 

elaine: kissing is not sex. 

jerry: george? 

george: jerry. 

elaine: hey, did jerry leave that drink next to dick's on purpose? 

george: no. 

jerry: george? 

george: over here. 

elaine: what are you doing here? 

jerry: i'm taking the kid out to dinner to chear him up. 

elaine: hey jerry when do you consider that sex has taken place? 

jerry: i would say when the nipple makes its first appearance. 

elaine: so, george told me that you left the drink next to dick's on purpose. 

jerry: nice try. so guess who heckled me at the club last night. 

dick: merry christmas. 

elaine: oh my god that's dick. it's cape fear. 

george: hide, hide under the desk. 

elaine: ow, ow move over. 

jerry: get off of me. 

elaine: i've got no room. 

dick: is that cashmere? 

george: of course it's cashmere. 

dick: (noticing the dot) what's this? 

jerry: but in a way, i think i inadvertantly turned this guy into an alcoholic. i hate being around alcoholics because they're either telling you how much they love you or how much they hate you. and those are the two statements that scare me the most. but i think he's okay now because i have no idea how he feels about me. he's finally off the wagon. 

dick: you mean on the wagon. 

jerry: don't get smart. 

kramer: all right, coney island. ok, you can take the b or the f and switch for the n at broadway lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to dekalb and catch the q to atlantic avenue, then switch to the irt 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the g. see that's very tempting, but you wind up on smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the r. 

elaine: couldn't he just take the d straight to coney island? 

kramer: well, yeah... 

elaine: ok, what time is your job interview george? 

george: 945 

jerry: remember, don't whistle on the elevator. 

george: why not? 

jerry: that's what willie loman told biff before his interview, in 'death of a salesman'. 

george: what, you are comparing me to biff loman, very encouraging. the biggest loser in history of american literature. 

elaine: all right, i'm gonna go. 

jerry: what time is the lesbian wedding? 

elaine: 930 

george: lesbian wedding. how do they work bride and groom out, what do they flip a coin? 

elaine: yeah, they flip a coin. 

george: what, was that not politically correct? it's a legitimate question. 

jerry: i'm so tired. i'll fall asleep on that train (yawns) 

george: i get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they're thinking "that's why i'm not heterosexual". 

kramer: jerry, come on let's go, pick up the check so we can go. 

jerry: oh, i'm paying for breakfast? 

kramer: yeah. 

elaine: yeah. 

george: yeah. 

jerry: why do i always pay? what am i made of money? you bunch of deadbeats. 

george: how many tickets are you paying today? 

kramer: well, let's see speeding, running a red light, no license, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear view mirror...yeah. (gives george a ticket) 

george: no doors? 

kramer: i'm fighting that one. you know, this is gonna cost me over six hundred bucks. 

george: i can't carry any changes in these pants, it falls out. 

violin player: thank you. 

george: that guy is not blind. 

jerry: so, can i convince anybody to come down to coney island with me? i got to pick up my car at the pound. george? 

george: i can't believe they actually found your stolen car. 

jerry: not only that they found it. it was simonized and the front end was aligned. 

george: that's amazing. 

jerry: so what do you say? run in the cyclone. hotdogs on nathan's is on me. 

george: what are you? satan? i'm close to a job here. it's my second interview with them. 

jerry: all right, biff. elaine, merry-go-round? 

elaine: i can't. i'm the best man. 

jerry: kramer, bumper-cars? 

kramer: i've gotta go to court, i'll get in trouble. what's the matter with you? 

jerry: could be years before i get back to coney island. i can't go to rides alone. 

subway announcement: 42th street. change to d,n,rr,2,3,4,5,7,c,e,f train. 

elaine: see'ya. 

woman: you looking for a job? 

george: me, why? 

woman: well, you're reading the classifieds. 

george: oh, no no no. i was just looking for stock-pages. here it is. looking for the quotes. gotta check to quotes. love a good quote. oh, ibm up a quarter. 

woman: you didn't look like someone who needed a job. 

george: me? no, no, i don't, i don't. doing very well, very well, yep. 

woman: so, you're in 'the market'? 

george: yeah i'm, eh, in 'the market'. 

woman: which market? 

george: which market, the, eh, big one, the big market, the big board. bull market, bear market, you name the market, i'm there. 

woman: so, do you work for one of those big broker-houses? 

george: they wish. i hate the big broker-houses. hate them with a passion. big broker-houses killed my father. 

woman: really? 

george: well, they hurt him bad. really hurt his feelings. it's a long story. i- i don't like to talk about it, but i swore then that i would never work for big broker-houses. see, all they care about is money. i'm about more than money, i'm about people, always gone my own way and i've never looked back. 

woman: i started riding these trains in the forties. those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. now we're liberated and we have to stand. 

elaine: it's ironic. 

women: what's ironic? 

elaine: this, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know we've lost the little things, the niceties. 

woman: no, i mean what does 'ironic' mean? 

elaine: oh... 

woman: where are you up to, with such a nice present, birthday party? 

elaine: a wedding. 

women: a wedding? 

elaine: yeah 

woman: hah, i didn't know people still get married. it's hard today with men and women. 

elaine: you're telling me. 

woman: so, are they a nice couple? 

elaine: oh, very nice. 

woman: what does he do, if you don't mind me asking? 

elaine: she. 

women: she? she works, he doesn't. he sounds like my son. 

elaine: there is no he. 

women: there is no he. so, who's getting married? 

elaine: em, two women. it's, eh...lesbian wedding. 

women: lesbian wedding. 

elaine: aha, yep. i'm the...eh...bes tman. 

women (talks to man next to her): my luck. i don't talk to a soul in the subway for 35 years. i get a best man at a lesbian wedding. (leaves) 

elaine: no, no, no, you don't understand! i'm not a lesbian! i hate men, but i'm not a lesbian! 

elaine's voice: i'm really looking forward to this. i love weddings. maybe i'll meet somebody, umm maybe not. 

elaine's voice: oh, man. we're stopping? 

woman: well, this is where i get off. 

george: oh, you do? 

woman: eh, hey why don't you...oh nothing. 

george: no, no, what, what? 

woman: well, i was going to say why don't you get off with me, but you're obviously very busy on your way to some important meeting or something. 

george: yeah, well.... 

woman: yeah i knew it was a bad idea. 

george: hey, what's another million, give or take. i get off where and when i wanna get off. 

george: i'm stuck. pull a little, just a second. don't start the train! don't start the train!! 

man1: this, it's the fourth horse of the first race, pappanick. 

man2: how do you know it's going to win? 

man1: my ups-guy tells. guys who own the horses are regular customers. every horse he has ever given me has won. see, they've been sandbagging and looking for a good spot. he's been getting it light cause they've been using bug boy and the workout hasn't been published. now they are ready to run with it. they are gonna break his maiden. it's going to go to great price, maybe 301. i'm telling you, it's a lock. 

man2: but it rained last night. 

man1: exactly, this horse loves the slop. it's in his bloodlines. his father was a mudda', his mother was a mudda'. 

man2: his mudda' was a mudda'? 

man1: what did i just say? come on, let's go to the office, i'm going to call my bookie. (looks around to see if anyone is listening) hey, don't tell anybody. 

jerry: o-k. you realize of course, you're naked? 

naked man: naked, dressed. i don't see any difference. 

jerry: you oughta' sit here. there is a difference. 

naked man: you got something against naked body? 

jerry: i got something against yours. how about a couple of deep knee bends, maybe a squat thrust? 

naked man: who's got time for squat thrusts? 

jerry: all right, how about skipping breakfast. i'm guessing you're not a 'half-grapefruit and black coffee' guy. 

naked man: i like a good breakfast. 

jerry: i understand, i like good breakfast. long as you don't wind up trapped in a room with bib overalls and pigtails, been counseled by dick gregory. 

naked man: i'm not ashamed of my body. 

jerry: that's your problem, you should be. 

jerry: don't get up, please, allow me. 

elaine's voice: oh, this is great. this is what i need, just what i need. ok, take it easy i'm sure it's nothing. probably rats on the track, we're stopping for rats. god, it's so crowded. how can there be so many people? this guy really smells, doesn't anyone use deodorant in the city? what is so hard, you take the cap off, you roll it on. what's that? i feel something rubbing against me. disgusting animals, these people should be in a gage. we are in a gage. what if i miss the wedding? i got the ring. what'll they do? you can't get married without the ring. oh, i can't breath, i feel faint. take it easy, it'll start moving soon. think about the people on the concentration camps, what they went through. and hostages, what would you do if you were a hostage? think about that. this is nothing. no, it's not nothing, it's something. it's a nightmare! help me! move it! com'on move this fu(beep) thing!! why isn't it moving?!? what can go wrong with a train!?! it's on tracks, there's no traffic! how can a train get stuck. step on the gas!! what could it be? you'de think the conductor would explain it to us? 'i'm sorry there's a delay we'll be moving in 5 minutes'!! i wanna hear a voice. what's that on my leg?!! 

george: are you often on business trip? nice...oh, hey nice ice-bucket. 

woman: make your-self comfortable. 

george's voice: make myself comfortable. what does that mean? does she want me to take my clothes off? is she taking her clothes off? what if i take my clothes off and she still has hers' on? then i really look like an idiot. she could get offended and leave. so maybe i should leave them on, but what then if she takes her off? then she'll feel humiliated. 'make yourself comfortable'. i got this unbelievable woman and this 'comfortable'-thing can ruin me. i got it! i take my shoes off and sit on the bed. there, that's comfortable. she can't accuse me being unconvertible. 

george: gotta tell you i'm pretty comfortable. 

kramer: oh yeah, it's all set. they got the bug boy on him. 

guy: the bug boy. 

kramer: yeah, the little father has run his hard out. they're gonna break his maiden. 

guy: really? but, it's a little bit slow out there it rained last night. 

kramer: oh, this baby loves the slob, loves it, eats it up. eats the slob. born in the slob. his father was a mudda'. 

guy: his father was a mudda'? 

kramer: his mudda' was a mudda'. 

guy: his mudda' was a mudda'? 

kramer: what did i just say? 

kramer: hey, all right, 600 pappanick to win. 

naked man: they still have no pitching. goodin's a question mahk. ...you don't recover from those rotator cuffs so fast. 

jerry: i'm not worried about their best pitching. they got pitching. ...they got no hitting. 

naked man: no hitting? they got hitting! bonilla, murry. ...they got no defence. 

jerry: defence? please. ...they need speed. 

naked man: speed? they got coleman. ...they need a bullpen. 

jerry: franco's no good? ...they got no team leaders. 

naked man: they got franco! ...what they need is a front office. 

jerry: but you gotta like their chances. 

naked man: i luv their chances. 

jerry: tell you what. if they win the penant i'll sit naked with you at the world series. 

naked man: it's a deal! 

elaine's voice: why couldn't i take a cab. for 6 dollars my whole life could've changed. what is that on my leg? i'll never get out of here. what if i'm here for the rest of my life? maybe i'll get out in 5 seconds. 1 banana, 2 banana, 3 banana, 4 banana, 5 banana...no, i'm still here! still here! why don't they start moving? move! move!! move!!! *train starts moving, lights get back on* it's moving! it's moving! yes! yes!! *train stops again and lights go off* motherf(beep-beep)!!! 

george: eh, gee, i hope you have the key for these things. 

woman: oh, don't worry. i do. 

george: you know, my mother used to walk around on our apartment just in her bra and panties. she didn't look anything like you, she was really disgusting, really bad body. if you could imagine uglier and fatter version of shirley booth. remember shirley booth from hazel. really embarrassing, cause you know i had only mother in the whole neighborhood who was worse looking than hazel. imagine the taunts i would hear. 

woman: like what? 

george: like a "hey your mother is uglier than hazel. hazel really puts your mother to shame" 

george: what's going on? 

woman: it was a pleasure doing business with you george, but i'm afraid i have to get going. 

george: get going? but we haven't really, you know.... 

woman: eight dollars? eight dollars? 

george: what are you doing? you're robbing me? 

woman: i wasted my whole morning with you for eight dollars? 

george: wait, wait a second, what are you doing? 

woman: i'm taking your clothes. 

george: no, that's my only suit. it cost me 350 dollars. i got it at moe ginsburg. 

woman: bye george. 

george: no wait, you can't just leave me here! will i see you again? 

(the race is on and pappanick is slowly making ground. kramer is pounding himself imitating the jockey and shouts: yes, yes, yes... the winner is pappanick) 

kramer: yes! yes! i won, hey (shouts to cashier) 

naked man: i haven't had a hotdog at nathan's for 20 years. 

jerry: first we ride the cyclone. 

naked man: chilly out. 

jerry: aah, french fries. 

thug: give me the money. give me the money! 

blind violin player: (puts a gun to the thug's head) freeze, police! 

jerry: no, i never got the car. we were having such a good time, by the time i got to the police garage, it was closed. 

elaine: too bad. 

jerry: you wouldn't believe what this guy put away at nathan's. look at what we won! 

jerry: you want him? 

elaine: get that out of my face. 

jerry: so, you missed the wedding. you'll catch the bris! 

man at the counter: (yelling) hare krishna, hare krishna! 

george: how would you like a 'hare krishna' fist on your throat, you little punk? 

elaine: george? 

jerry: biff, what did you whistle on the elevator? 

george: you have my spare-key in your apartment, right? 

jerry: yeah, it's in the kitchen drawer. 

george: give me your key, i gotta get it. 

kramer: what happened? 

george: never mind what happened, just give me the key. 

jerry: come on, i'll go with you. 

elaine: here, pay. (gives the check to jerry) 

kramer: wait, wait, wait... 

george: ...pianist. a *classical* pianist. she *plays* the piano. she's a *brilliant* woman. i-i-i sat in her living room... she played the *waldstein sonata*! the *waldstein*! 

george: we did a crossword puzzle together, *in bed*. it was the most fun i ever had in my entire life. did you hear me? in my *life*! y'know? 

jerry: were you talking? i couldn't hear anything. 

george: i was telling you about noel. 

jerry: oh, noel! yeah, the one who plays bongos... 

george: [sarcastically] heh heh heh... so side-splittingly funny... 

jerry: all right, i'm sorry. what about her? 

george: what, you think i'm going to repeat the whole thing now? 

jerry: i know, you told me you like her, everything is going good. 

george: no everything is *not* going good. i'm very uncomfortable. i have no power. i mean, why should she have the upper hand. *once* in my life i would like the upper hand. i have no hand-- no hand at all. she has the hand; i have *no* hand... 

george: how do i get the hand? 

jerry: we all want the hand. hand is tough to get. you gotta get the hand right from the opening. 

george: she's playing a recital this week at the mcbierney school. you wanna hear her play? i got two extra tickets, you and elaine could go... 

jerry: yeah, that sounds like somethin'... 

george: then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. y'know she'll see me with my friends, she'll observe me as i really am, as myself. maybe i can get some hand that way. 

kramer: hey, smell my arm... smell it! 

george: with all due respect, i don't think so... 

jerry: that smells good, what is that? 

kramer: the *beach*! 

jerry: the *beach*? 

george: what, did you go swimmin'? it's 29 degrees out! 

kramer: i just joined the polar bear club. 

jerry: you joined the *polar bears*?! 

george: what the hell is a "polar bear"? 

kramer: well, it's these people-- they go swimmin' in the winter. they're terrific, i just took my first swim today. brrrrrrr! it's invigorating.... 

jerry: yeah... so's shock therapy. 

jerry: [with glee] what is that, a pez dispenser?! 

kramer: want one? yeah, i just bought it at the flea market. 

george: hey, what goes on there, exactly? 

jerry: you don't know? 

george: no, i-i-i know... [retreats back to his chinese take out] i know... 

jerry: you think they have fleas there, don't you? 

george: *no*... 

jerry: yes you do, biff. you've never been to a flea market, and you think they have fleas there. 

george: all right, i think they have fleas there. so what... 

elaine: i don't know how anyone does this. it must be *so* nerve racking... how do they warm up their fingers? 

jerry: they have a piano backstage they warm up on. 

elaine: *no*, we would have heard it. 

jerry: what, do you think they just crack their knuckles and come out? 

george: i told her we'd all go out afterwards, okay? and don't applaud when she stops playing the first time. it's not over yet. 

jerry: [quickly whispering] i resent that you said that! that's directed at *me*, isn't it?! 

jerry: is this okay? can i do this? (he claps) 

steve: something i said? [no response] it's john... mollika. 

elaine: oh, oh, *john*... oh, hi john... hi... 

steve: what're you doing down here? 

elaine: oh, i was just at this recital and jerry put a pez dispenser on my leg and i started laughing. 

mollika: jerry's in there? i heard you guys broke up. 

elaine: we did. we're just hanging out. 

mollika: really. ... you really look great. 

elaine: oh, uh, thank you. are you still friends with richie appel? 

mollika: oh, richie, he's been doing comedy in l. a. for a few years. he just got back a month ago. he's kind of messed up. on drugs. i don't know what to do for the guy. 

elaine: have you thought about an intervention? 

mollika: what's that? 

elaine: you get all his friends in a room, they confront himm to try to get him into rehab. it's a very popular thing now. 

mollika: he'd never listen to anyone. ... except of course jerry. he'd listen to jerry. jerry would have to be involved. he really respects jerry. 

elainelaine: i'm sorry. george, i'm sorry! 

george: what did you put the pez dispenser on her leg for in the first place? 

jerry: i dunno, it was an impulse. 

george: what kind of a sick impulse does that?? 

jerry: how could i know she would start to laugh? 

elaine: i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i *am*! 

jerry: can we just go in already? 

george: what are we gonna tell her? 

elaine: i'll tell her i was the one who laughed. 

george: no, don't say a word. if she thinks my friends are jerks, then i'm a *jerk*... 

elaine: [to jerry] oh, remind me to talk to you about something later. 

jerry: what about? 

george: hey, hey! we're discussing something! 

jerry: i know, but i'm distracted now. 

george: what are you? a *baby*!? all right. tell her. 

elaine: when i was outside i ran into john mollika. 

jerry: really john mollika, they guy that used to bartend at the comedy club. how's he doing? 

elaine: he's good. 

george: uh, can we cut to the chase? 

jerry: "cut to the chase"? 

george: yeah... 

jerry: what're you, "joe hollywood"? 

george: a lot of people say it. 

jerry: i would lose that. 

george: [accusingly] what's *that*? 

jerry: "lose that"? that's not a hollywood expression! 

george: [realizing full well it isn't] ...yes it is. 

elaine: anyway ... so john told me that richie is in town from los angeles and he's really messed up on drugs. so i told him that he should do an intervention. 

jerry: really, an intervention ... 

george: y'know people, we got a situation over here! 

elaine: yeah, but he want's you to be a part of it. 

jerry: me? why me? 

elaine: 'cause richie really respects you and he would listen to you. 

jerry: y'know these things are *really* hard to load... 

george: all right, ok, i'm goin' in. 

jerry: we've got to talk about this (to elaine) 

elaine: all right. 

george: hi, hi, hi, you were wonderful. 

noel: no.. 

george: oh, these are my friends, elaine and jerry, ... noel 

jerry: you play a *hell* of a piano. 

elaine: yeah, i was really moved, *really* moved. 

noel: well didn't you hear that person laughing? i couldn't play. i was *humiliated... 

elaine: well, i'm sure it wasn't *at* you. 

noel: well then, what was she laughing at? 

jerry: pez? 

noel: uh, no, no thank you. did you see her? 

george: me, uh, uh, no, ... 

jerry: anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. i mean only a sick twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant. 

elaine: maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg. 

jerry: even if this so called mental defective did put something on her leg she's still the one who laughed. 

noel: i'll never forget that laugh for the rest of my life. [exits] 

elaine: i'm sure she would apologize if she could. probably somebody is holding her back against every fibre in her being. 

george: if she want's to continue to have a fibre of her being she'll be very careful (hitting each other) 

george: all right, so are you ready, so we'll go out and get something to eat. 

noel: i don't feel like it tonight. 

jerry: we'll be outside 

elaine: yeah 

jerry: it was nice meeting you by the way, how do you warm up your fingers before you play? 

noel: i just crack my knuckles. 

george: we'll have a good time 

noel: i don't feel like it 

george: ah, come on 

noel: i said i don't feel like it! 

george: um, all right, um, uh, i'll call 'ya. i'll call you and we'll talk on the phone. a telephone communiqu. every thing is fine ok, uh, fine, .. [exits] 

jerry: you know i thing kramer might have been responsible for getting richie involved with drugs in the first place. 

elaine: what? how? 

jerry: a few years ago the comedy club had a softball team. kramer was our first baseman you couldn't get anything by him it was unbelievable. anyway this one game we came back to win from like 8 runs behind. so kramer says to richie why don't you dump the bucket of gatorade on marty benson's head? the club owner. so richie goes ahead and does it. 

elaine: so? what happened? 

jerry: what happened? the guy was like 67 years old, it was freezing out, he caught a cold, got pneumonia, and a month later he was dead. 

elaine: shut up! 

jerry: all the comedians were happy. he was one of these club owners nobodu liked anyway. but richie was never the same. 

elaine: whar about kramer? 

jerry: he's the same! 

jerry: are you sure you want me john. i have spoken to richie in two years. i don't have a good apartment for an intervention. the furniture, it's very non-confrontational. all right all right. goodbye. [to kramer] remember ricie appel? 

kramer: (looks shocked) oh sure, the guy i told to pour the gatorade that killed marty benson? 

jerry: right, we'll john mollika is organizing some kind of intervention for him. we're having it here. 

kramer: can i get in on that? 

jerry: what do you think? it's like a poker game? 

kramer: is elaine going? 

jerry: yeah 

kramer: well, i knew him as well as she did. 

jerry: yeah, but john invited her. 

kramer: so what are you saying, you don't want me to intervene? 

jerry: no, intervene, go intervene all you want. i am just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening. 

george: it's george 

jerry: stop smelling your arm. 

kramer: you know i got a great idea for a cologne. the beach. you spray it on and you smell like you just came home from the beach 

jerry: hum, a cologne that smells like the beach. i can't believe i'm saying this, "that's not a bad idea." 

kramer: tell me about it! 

jerry: why don't you call steve d'jiff, he works in the marketing department at calvin klein. in fact he's a good friend of john mollika and richie also. 

george: well it's over. it's definitely over. 

jerry: she broke up with you? 

george: no, but i can tell she's going to. i can sense it. we had this terrible phone conversation. i was so nervous before i called i made up this whole list of things to talk about. 

jerry: what was on the list? 

george: let's see, how i'm very good at going in reverse in my car, why isn't postum a more popular drink, 

jerry: yeah, postum is under-ratted, 

george: anyway there was all this tension. i asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said "no, maybe we could get together for lunch." you know what that means. 

jerry: what's wrong with lunch? 

george: lunch is fine at the beginning then you move on to dinner. you don't move back to lunch. it's like being demoted. i'll never do another crossword puzzle with her again. i know it. 

kramer: i like the jumble you ever do the jumble? 

george: i have no power do you understand? i need hand. i have no hand. 

kramer: break up with her 

george: what? 

kramer: you break up with her. you reverse everything that way. 

jerry: a preemptive breakup. 

george: a preemptive breakup. this is an incredible idea. i got nothing to lose. we either break up which she would do anyway but at least i go out with some dignity. completely turn the tables. it's absolutely brilliant. 

george: so, i am have to going to break up with you. 

noel: you're breaking up with me? 

george: i, ... am breaking up with, ... you. 

noel: wow. 

george: shocked? 

noel: i really am. 

george: never expected this did you? 

noel: i thought everything was fine. 

george: well, live and learn. 

noel: i don't understand. you're breaking up with me. didn't we have fun doing the crossword puzzles? 

george: kind of. 

noel: i'm very confused. 

george: well, i didn't mean to hurt you kid. 

noel: i thought,... 

george: now, stop it ... 

noel: what do you want, i can make you happy. 

george: when you're playing the piano do you think about me? 

noel: i don't know. 

george: this is what i'm talking about. 

noel: ok, i'll think about you. 

george: all the time. 

noel: all the time? ... ok, all the time. 

george: i can't hear you. 

noel: all the time. all the time. 

george: see, it's not so hard. 

kramer: go ahead smell, smell 

steve: yeah, so? 

kramer: do you recognize it? ... the beach. 

steve: what are you talking about? 

kramer: oh, i'm talking about the beach. 

steve: what about it? 

kramer: you know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? well, i want to make a cologne that captures the essence of that smell. oh yeah. 

steve: that is the dumbest idea i have ever heard. 

kramer: oh, wait, did you here what i just said? 

steve: do you think people are going to pay $80 a bottle to smell like dead fish and sea weed? that's why people take showers when the come home from the beach. it's an objectionable offensive odour. 

kramer: so you don't think it's a good idea? 

[the intervention [note: double check this part for sure!!!!] 

guy: the membranes get dried and it just starts bleeding. since i was a kid so i have to stick tissue up there 

elaine: (very uninterested) uh, you have to work like that? 

guy: nobody minds nobody has ever said anything to me. 

other guy: are there any ice cubes? 

jerry: in the freezer. 

other guy: i looked. there aren't any ice cubes. 

jerry: well i guess there aren't any ice cubes. 

other guy: i can't drink this. it's warm! (walks away) 

guy: shouldn't we rehearse this a little bit before richie comes? 

steve: what's the plan? 

jerry: do i have to talk? i don't feel like talking. 

other guy: well, if he's not going to talk i'm not going to talk either. 

guy: no, we all have to talk. 

elaine: what's the order? 

guy: we'll go in alphabetical order. first roberta. 

roberta: why am i first? 

elaine: albano is your last name. 

roberta: that's not my name any more. i'm divorced. 

steve: i'll go first. 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: hey. 

kramer: is this the interference? 

jerry: intervention. 

other guy: what are you doing here? 

kramer: uh, is it all right if i stay for the intervention? 

steve: hey, this is for close friends only. 

kramer: i'm a friend. who do you think told him to pour the gatorade over marty benson's head? 

other guy: let him stay. 

kramer: hey, you know i got someone to make up that cologne for me, big mouth. 

steve: somebody's going to make that crap? 

old guy: kramer! 

kramer: hey, come on, these are some of my polar bear buddies. 

other guy: they can't stay. 

old guy: we're having a party here? 

jerry: no, we're having an intervention 

old guy: an intervention? who's intervening? 

jerry: there's a friend of ours on drugs and we're going to confront him. 

old guy: sure, we used to do that when one of our polar bears stopped coming. we would go to his house and say, "what you don't want to be a polar bear anymore? it's too cold for you?" 

guy: it's him. 

roberta: what should we do? 

elaine: hide! 

jerry: it's not a surprise party! yeah (to intercom) 

george: it's george 

jerry: yeah, come on up. ... it's not him. 

guy: if you don't go out with me it's because i'm a bar tender. 

elaine: look, i don't think this is appropriate right now. 

guy: is it because i have a tissue in my nose? 

elaine: you're getting warm. 

george: we just came from chadway's(?) what's going on. 

jerry: we're having the intervention for richie. 

george: oh, right, right, the intervention. should we leave? 

jerry: well, uh.. 

noel: (happily) elaine, hi. 

elaine: oh, hi noel 

jerry: well, you're looking well. 

george: jerry, let me tell you something, "a man without hand is not a man." i got so much hand i'm coming out of my gloves. i got to thank kramer. 

steve: even if i were dragged through manure i still wouldn't put that stuff on. 

george: (to kramer) this man is a genius. genius! 

steve: you think so? 

george: i don't think so i know so, kramer, come here i got to talk to you 

old man: the male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch only the female has it. the male has pouch envy. 

elaine: (chuckles) 

elaine: (laughs) 

noel: that laugh. that's the laugh. that's it. you're the one. 

elaine: no, no. it was an accident. it really wasn't my fault. it was jerry. 

noel: you put a pez dispenser on her leg during my recital?. 

jerry: i didn't know she would laugh. 

noel: you lied to me george, you lied to me. 

george: no, i, uh, um, wa, wa, what did i do? ... where are you going? 

noel: i ... am breaking up ... with you! 

george: you can't break up with me. i've got hand. 

noel: and you're going to need it. 

jerry: hey richie 

richie: so what's going on? 

jerry: it was pretty ugly from the get go. he's not listening, he's hostile, he's talking back. 

george: i can't do these puzzles. 

jerry: so he starts to get up he spots the pez dispenser on the coffee table 

george: ah ah pez dispenser. 

jerry: he picks it up - he stares at it - it's like he's hypnotized by it. then he's telling us this story about how when he was a kid he was in the car with his father, and his father was trying to load one of them 

george: well they're hard to load. 

jerry: tell me something i don't know. so as the father's trying to load it he loses control of the car and it crashes into a high school cafeteria. nobody's hurt but pez is all over the car. and the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition. 

george: poor kid. 

jerry: so as he's telling the story he starts crying. 

george: what did you do? 

jerry: what do you think? i gave him my pez dispenser. 

george: wow 

jerry: two hours later he checks into smither's clinic. i talked to the doctor yesterday. he's doing great on the rehab. he's hooked on pez. he's eating them like there's no tomorrow. 

george: what's a three letter word for candy? 

jerry: i can't do those things. 

jerry: let me ask you a question. if you named a kid rasputin do you think that would have a negative effect on his life? 

elaine: na. 

jerry: what are you doing? were going out for dinner in ten minutes. 

elaine: do you realize this is the last meal i am going to have for three days? 

jerry: yeah. 

george: its george. 

jerry: come on up. . . . i never heard of this. youve got to fast for three days to take an ulcer test. how you gonna do that? 

elaine: i dont know. how could i possibly have ulcers? who could have given me ulcers? 

jerry: i think ill take out the garbage. 

elaine: hey, have you ever fasted? 

jerry: well, once i didnt have dinner until, like 900 oclock, that was pretty rough. (exits to hall with garbage  meets george) hey, do me a favour will ya? throw out my garbage for me. 

george: yeah, right. 

jerry: come on, its just down the hall. 

george: give me two bucks. ill do it for two bucks. 

jerry: ill give you 50 cents. 

george: theres no way i touch that bag for less than two dollars. 

jerry: come on. fifty cents. (??) a piece of drakes coffee cake 

george: youre not getting no drakes coffee cake for fifty cents. yae, hey, im all set. i got the ticket. im going to the cayman islands this friday. 

jerry: i dont get you. who goes on vacation without a job? what do you need a break from getting up at eleven? 

george: its an incredible deal. i dont know why you dont come with me. 

jerry: nah, i dont go for these non-refundable deals. i cant commit to a woman. im not going to commit to an airline. 

gina: hi. 

jerry: hi. 

gina: how are you? 

jerry: gina, do you know what a drakes coffee cake is? 

gina: of course, the plane cake with the sweet brown crumbs on the top. 

jerry: how much do they cost? 

gina: the junior? 

george: no, no the full size. 

jerry: no, no the junior. 

george: you didnt say "junior". 

gina: i havent had one of those since i was a little girl. 

jerry: really? you should be ashamed of yourself. i want you out of here! (martin enters the hall) how ya doing? 

martin: good enough. 

jerry: boy shes sexy isnt she? 

jerry: do you believe that guy? 

elaine: what guy? 

jerry: my neighbour 

elaine: oh, that creepy guy? 

jerry: yeah, did he think i was flirting with her? 

george: he didnt seem too pleased. 

elaine: maybe ill get a steak with french fried onion wings. 

george: hey, you know what? i just remembered something. i had a dream about that guy last night. this is amazing. 

jerry: whats so amazing? youve seen him before. 

george: i havent seen him for months. 

jerry: what was the dream? 

george: i was doing standup comedy in kennebunkport maine. ??? night club. the stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off. 

jerry: i think ive played there. 

george: ive had a lot of other paranormal stuff happen to me. 

jerry: youre a little paranormal 

elaine: hey, george, you know my friend goes to a psychic. 

george: really? 

elaine: uh uh, you should go some time. 

george: id love to go. make an appointment. 

jerry: psychics, vacations. how about getting a job? 

george: i just got fired. 

jerry: alright, come on, lets get out of here. 

elaine: i wonder what ghandi ate before his fast. 

jerry: i heard he used to polish off a box of triscuits. 

elaine: really? 

jerry: oh, yeah. ghandi loved triscuits. 

jerry: who is it? who is it? 

gina: its gina. 

jerry: who? 

gina: martines girl friend. 

jerry: martine? 

gina: you next door neighbour. 

jerry: oh, martin! 

george: its martine. i think hes dying. he tried to kill himself with pills. 

jerry: what? 

gina: come on. 

jerry: in my pajamas? i better get my robe. 

gina: we dont have enough time. 

jerry: itll take two seconds. 

gina: there is no time. 

jerry: we dont have two seconds? 

gina: all right. go ahead. 

jerry: nah, forget it. 

gina: no, go ahead. 

jerry: nah. ill just wear the pajamas. 

gina: will you just get it. 

jerry: are you sure? 

gina: forget it. come on. 

jerry: nah, ill go get the robe. 

jerry: thats not too bad. its not like a sunny von bulow comma. the doctor said he should snap out of it anytime. 

gina: you know why he did this? because i told him it was over. i did not want to see him anymore. 

jerry: really? its over? 

gina: i could not stand it another minute. yesterday he turned over a mans hot dog stand because he thought the man was looking at me. and then after he saw you in the hall. ach, he was crazy with jealousy. 

jerry: oh boy, did he say anything about me? 

gina: he does not like you. and all indications are he does not like drakes coffee cake. 

jerry: he said that? 

gina: he was screaming about it all night. how its too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it. 

jerry: im sorry if i caused any trouble. i was just being friendly. 

gina: i wasnt. 

jerry: you werent? 

gina: no, i have thought about you many times. have you thought about me? 

jerry: of course. 

gina: tell me everything. 

jerry: are you sure he cant hear anything? . . .martin, martin. 

gina: i wish he was not in a coma. i wish he was dead. i wish i could pull the plug out from him. 

jerry: i, would, i would wait on that. i know how you feel but. juries today, you never know how theyre going to look at a thing like this. 

gina: i saw you looking at your watch. you want to leave? go ahead. 

jerry: no, i just wanted to see what time it was. 

gina: are you afraid of him? 

jerry: no. 

gina: then kiss me. 

jerry: here? 

gina: yes, right here. 

jerry: is this the proper venue? 

gina: you dont want to? 

jerry: no, no, i want to. i, i very much want to. i, i desire to. i, i pine to. 

gina: then kiss me right in front of him. 

jerry: i cant. what if he wakes up? 

gina: a man is lying here unconscious and youre afraid of him? what kind of a man are you? 

jerry: a man who respects a good comma. if it was one of those in and out comas, maybe. but when a guys got a coma going like this  you dont want to mess with it. 

kramer: hey. 

jerry: hey. 

kramer: did you hear about martin? 

jerry: yeah, i heard. 

kramer: i cant believe hes in a coma. 

kramer: hes got my vacuum cleaner. you know i loaned it to him. he never returned it. the carpets are filthy. what am i going to do? 

jerry: who told you about martin? 

kramer: newman! hes good friends with him. 

jerr: oh, big mouth newman. i should have guessed. 

kramer: hes got all of my attachments, you know. 

jerry: hey, let me ask you something. how long do you have to wait for a guy to come out of a coma before you can ask his ex-girlfriend out? 

kramer: what, gina? why wait? why not just call doctor kavorkian? 

jerry: you know i dont get that whole suicide machine. theres no tall buildings where these people live? they cant wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person? 

kramer: so whats going on between you and gina? 

jerry: well, i went with her to the hospital last night. 

kramer: uh, uh. 

jerry: so were in the room and shes trying to get me to kiss her right in front of him. 

kramer: uh, uh, you see thats the great thing about mediterranean women. all right, so what did you do? 

jerry: nothing. 

kramer: ah, what kind of a man are you? the guy is unconscious in a coma and you dont have the guts to kiss his girlfriend? 

jerry: i didnt know what the coma etiquette was. 

kramer: there is no coma etiquette. you see thats the beauty of the coma, man. it doesnt matter what you do around it. 

jerry: so youre saying, his girl, his car, his clothes, its all up for grabs. you can just loot the coma victim. 

kramer: id give him 24 hours to get out of it. they cant get out of it in 24 hours, its a land rush. 

jerry: so if the coma victim wakes up in a month, hes thrilled, he got out of the coma. he goes home, theres nothing left? 

kramer: nothing left! thats why im trying to get that vacuum cleaner. because somebodys going to grab it. 

rula: martins spirit came to you as a warning. 

elaine: why would he come to george? 

rula: because george has heightened extra sensory perception. faygy get your finger out of your nose. 

george: i knew it. i always felt different. 

rula: you are. some coffee cake? 

george: drakes? 

rula: yes. 

george: did you buy this for me? 

rula: no, why? 

george: ha, because i love drakes coffee cake. 

rula: maybe i did. 

elaine: take it away. 

george: she hasnt eaten in two days. 

rula: whos pauline? 

george: pauline? . . . wait a minute. i got it. my brother once impregnated a woman named pauline. 

rula: do you think about her? 

george: when i hear her name mentioned. 

rula: cut these with your left hand. 

george: there was a woman, audrey. she had a very big nose. 

rula: i see an audrey, but with a small nose. 

george: yes, yes, she had a nose job. i loved her very deeply. will she ever speak to me again? 

rula: not in this life. 

elaine: should you be smoking? 

rula: does it bother you? 

elaine: youre pregnant. 

george: elaine. 

rula: i smoked when i had faisy. 

rula: ah oh. 

george: ah oh? what? what ah oh? 

rula: i dont know about this trip george. 

george: you can see the cayman islands in there? is something going to happen to me? what? 

elaine: its really bad for the fetus. do you know that. 

george: elaine, shes a psychic. she knows how the kids going to be. 

george: should i not go on this trip? 

rula: george, i am going to tell you something and i want you to really hear me. 

elaine: now listen. i just dont know how a person, with everything we now know about pre-natal care can put a cigarette in her mouth. 

george: elaine, what are you doing? 

elaine: its disgusting. 

rula: i dont belive it. i would like you both to leave. 

elaine: oh fine, i dont like to be around people who are just so irresponsible. 

rula: get the hell out. 

george: a plane crash? a heart attack? lupus? is it lupus? 

rula: do you want me to call the super? he was an israeli commando. 

george: if you dont say anything i will assume its a plane crash. 

rula: get out. 

george: not a plane crash. (leaving) is it a plane crash? 

gina: i do not like your toothbrush. there are no bristles. 

jerry: you can say what you want about me but ill be damned if im going to stand here while you insult my toothbrush. 

gina: it is too small for someone with such a big mouth (kisses kerry). let me ask you. what will you do if martine wakes up? run away like a mouse? 

jerry: no, more like the three stooges at the end of every movie. 

gina: who are these stooges you speak of? 

jerry: theyre a comedy team. 

gina: tell me about them. everything. 

jerry: well, theyre three kind of funny looking guys and they hit each other a lot. 

gina: you will show me the stooges? 

jerry: i will show you the stooges. 

gina: when? 

jerry: well, i dont really know where the stooges are right now but if i locate them you will be the first to know. 

gina: come, you walk me to a cab. 

jerry: well, uh, i uh, i dont want you to get upset or anything but uh, with martin and all, well maybe its not such a good idea for us to be seen together in the building, because, you know, he had a lot of friends here. 

gina: youre still afraid. you are not a man. 

jerry: well then what are all those ties and sport jackets doing in my closet? 

gina: are you going to walk me to a cab or not? 

jerry: yeah, all right. all right. 

kramer: you should just eat fruit. 

newman: i cant eat fruit. it makes me incontinent. 

kramer: ??? 

newman: hello gina. hello jerry. 

jerry: hello newman. 

jerry: do you think newman would tell martin if he wakes up? what kind of sicko would do that? he could kill me. 

george: people smoke, elaine. my mother smoked. it didnt hurt me. 

elaine: (jumps with fear to jerry) did you see that wall move? 

jerry: boy, its a good thing we came. 

george: could there be a native p0roblem in the caymans? maybe theres native unrest. 

elaine: hi, i havent eaten in three days. i was wondering how much longer it would be until i get my x-ray. 

nurse: well call you. 

jerry: george, i want you to promise me something. if im ever in a comma. in the first 24 hours get everything out of my apartment and put it in storage. 

george: how come? 

jerry: looters. 

elaine: how do we know that dog food is any good? who tastes it? 

jerry: shes really hungry. 

kramer: hey. 

elaine: kramer 

kramer: well, newmans upstairs visiting martin. 

george: would you buy my cayman island ticket? 

kramer: youre not going? 

george: no. 

kramer: why not? 

george: the psychic said something terrible will happen. 

kramer: i dig. 

kramer: i want my vacuum cleaner! i know you can hear me. look my mother, shes going to come and visit me. she sees that rug, shes going to kill me. 

newman: he cant hear you, you idiot. why dont you just buy another one. 

kramer: why would i buy another one when i spent a hundred bucks on this one? 

newman: i have a carpet sweeper you can use. 

kramer: i dont want a carpet sweeper. they dont do anything. 

newman: it gets my rug clean. 

kramer: the carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the american public since one hour martinizing. 

newman: well, you should take a look at my rug then. 

kramer: i wouldnt set foot in your house. 

jerry: hello. 

newman: hello jerry. 

jerry: hows he doing? 

kramer: he looks happy to me. 

newman: i hope he stays this happy when he wakes up. 

jerry: why wouldnt he? 

newman: no reason. 

jerry: hell have a lot of catching up to do, i guess. 

newman: ill bring him up to date. 

jerry: how up to date? 

newman: oh, all the way up. 

jerry: and nothing could change your mind? 

newman: well, it would take a hell of a lot. because a friend is something you earn. 

kramer: okay, jerry has a friend who has free tickets to the cayman islands for this weekend. hes not going. 

newman: i dont care much for the beach. i freckle. . . . is that a,.. 

jerry: drakes coffee cake 

newman: wow, where did you get that? 

jerry: from my house. i got a whole box of them. 

newman: boy, thats the full size. 

jerry: thats your big boy. 

newman: can i have a bite? 

jerry: i dont give out bites. i got another one. but im saving it for later. 

newman: just one bite? 

jerry: i dont think so. you know they, theyre so fragile. 

newman: all right! all right. i wont say anything. 

jerry: you swear? 

newman: i swear. 

jerry: on your mothers life? 

newman: on my mothers life. 

kramer: oh oh oh oh oh 

newman: oooh, 

elaine: and there it was, mountains of duck. and not fatty duck either, but juicy tender breasts of duck. 

george: sweetheart, no come here,  sweetheart 

rula: pew, pew, pew, pew (breathing) 

george: how did i know you were here? something drew me here. this is phenomenal. 

rula: the nurse said she would be right back. theyre supposed to take me into the delivery room. 

george: oh, thats great. thats great. by the way i have to apologize for my friend the other day. friend? uh, uh i dont even know that woman. i met her on the bus on the way over. i couldnt get rid of her. uh, my psychic instincts were a little off .. 

rula: oh, wheres the nurse 

george: i dont know where the nurse is. sweetheart why dont you get a nurse for mommy?  anyway i was just curious. remember the other day you were saying something about my trip. 

rula: dont take that trip. 

george: yeah, why? why? 

rula: (screams) eeey, beegit, beegit beegit. 

dx: all right, rula, its time to go. 

george: because? because? 

elaine: assassins! how dare they keep a person waiting like this!  drakes coffee cake?  give me that. 

newman: jerry, you better stop her or ill tell. 

jerry: elaine! no! no! 

martin: ooooh, ahhhh, 

george: are there terrorists on the plane? a hotel fire. is that it? malaria? yellow fever? lupus? is it lupus? 

newman: he did it right in this bed, martin. right in front of you. 

kramer: i want my vacuum cleaner! 

jerry: hey! 

newman: it was disgusting. 

jerry: what are you doing? were going out to dinner in ten minutes. 

george: i never assisted in a birth before. its really quite disgusting. 

jerry: what did she name the kid? 

george: you wouldnt believe it. rasputin. 

kramer: heey! 

george: hey. 

jerry: hey. 

george: when did you get back? 

kramer: a couple of hours ago. 

george: so how was it? 

kramer: george, i would like to thank you for the greatest four days i ever spent in my life. 

jerry: osh. 

kramer: they were shooting the sports illustrated swim suit issue right in the hotel pool. 

jerry: woah. (hitting george) 

kramer: not only that but at the hotel they opened up this area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the sports illustrated models went down there. 

jerry: wow! (hitting george) 

kramer: i was on the next blanket from elle mcpherson