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This is the Technical Difficulties|  We're playing Citation Needed
    Joining me in the studio today:  he reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!|    He gets another shot!
    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan — Gary Brannan!|    Three!
 Four!| Nine!
  All of these are numbers|    And the bounciest man on the internet — Matt Gray!
    Welcome YouTube!|    In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia  and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    and there's a special prize for  particularly good answers, which is:    Today's article is: A Message From Earth|    A message from Eeearth
    What, like from Flash Gordon?|    That's how you pronounced 'Eeearth'
    That's how it should be pronounced!|    I've got the horrible feeling that  in millions of years to come,    we'll work out we've been saying it wrong  all this time and it should be pronounced:    Eeearth
    Is it anything to do with Voyager?|    Well
 it's the same kind of thing|    Is it 'Your call is important to us
'?|    [Laughter]    'If you are a hostile alien species, please press 2  to be reacted to with nuclear missiles
'    'Please note that Earth is only open between 9 and 5|'    'Nine to five what?
 I have been travelling for parsecs!|'    Obscure Star Wars reference!
 Nice|    GARY: It's truth though, innit
    Anyway, we've got an alien death fleet  round the back that's on hold|    Is it something to do with a probe we've sent out?
    Not particularly a probe|    Is it fictional?
    No, it's entirely real|    It's about
 let's see|    Can I have a punt at this?
    TOM: Yeah| I'll tell you it's about  six light-years away right now
    Oh s***, I'm wrong then|    Why, what were you going for?
    I was going to say it's the tune that Blur did  that landed on the Moon| on, erm
    Beagle 2|    GARY: 
on Mars with Beagle 2|    It didn't land — well, it did land!
    GARY and MATT: It landed!|    It landed at high velocity!
    [Laughter]  Downwards|    I know there's a thin line  between 'landing' and 'impact', but
    I tell that to the wife all the time|    But it's somewhere on Mars, regrettably, is a Blur CD
    In many different pieces|    MATT: I might have a go at the answer
  TOM: Yeah, go for it|    Is it about how far our earliest radio  transmissions have got out to space?
    Not at six light-years, it's not|    Just spare a thought for that
    They're going to get all the crap  early stuff first, aren't they?|    As we did
    It's a bit further back from earliest messages,    and it's certainly a bit too far for a probe to have got|    This is a transmission?
    It's a transmission| [DING]    And did someone just broadcast,  'Hey, is anyone listening?
'    Not entirely| I'll give you the point, it's a transmission
    specifically one transmitted from an Earth station    belonging to the Ukraine national space agency,    which I can only assume has had  some budget cuts recently|    [Laughter]    Ooo
    But yes, it was transmitted on October 2008|    Oh really?
    Hence the reason it is about six light-years away|    Please tell me it is just someone tapping a microphone  and going, 'Is this thing on?
'    Well, it sort of is|    It's meant to go about twenty light-years in total
    Have they found somewhere specific  that they're sending it?|    Yes
 Any ideas what that might be?|    An M-class planet!
    Ooh, you know what, you can have a point| [DING]    It's not M-class, we haven't found one of those yet,    but it is a good candidate for being a close thing  for where there might be life
    Gliese 581 c|    It's what I was just going to say
    Yeaaah, beaten to it again|    And it's all said because they're expecting  everyone there to be completely gleeful
    GARY: Aww| Wouldn't that be nice?
    If some alien death battlefleet turned up,    but it had a really nice name, it'd put you off, wouldn't it?|    Put you off what?
 Dying?|    No, how you would react
    You know, if they were like the Third Warfleet  of the K'Flaarghs, you would step back a bit|    GARY: But if they were
  TOM: The Gleezins|    'We are the Glee People!
'    'Ah!| That's nice
'    'In our world, this is bad!|'    I'm just thinking of militarized Powerpuff Girls right now
    It will reach there in about 2029|    If we hear anything back, it'll presumably be about 2050
    After they've had time to work out  what on earth we've sent them|    Do you know what I really want the message to be?
    Comes back 2050 — the little printer or whatever  that's there to record this for posterity|    Yeah, you know, because it's that sort of thing,    it's going to be a sci-fi film,  it's still going to be a dot-matrix printer
    Yeah| It's printing it off bit by bit,  and they pick it up, they tear it off
    And they hold it up, and it just says,  "WHAT?|"    That would be an entirely perfect response for this
    Because 501 messages were actually included|    How did they pick which ones to send?
    Well, the one we sent had a rickroll in it|    Oh
 You know what|    I was just going to say, YouTube views
    I'm going to give Gary the point|    Oh shut up!
    Because it was the internet| [DING]    We sent them the internet?
    No, we sent them 501 messages  selected by popular vote from the internet|    Porn, porn, porn, kittens, 'Good afternoon Sir/Madam,  I have a fantastic opportunity for you
'    Not at random| There was a public vote,  so I can only assume
    |it was fixed by 4chan and Reddit
    Yeah|    Not 4chan, not Reddit
 Which social network  did they use to put the time capsule together?|    Oh, please not Twitter
    Google+| There was one vote in total
    Not quite, but you're close|    MATT: Orkut
    Oh| not quite that obscure
    Tinder|    Tinder wasn't around then
    Tinder: 'No| No
 No| No
'    Then a picture of a lizard comes up|  'Swipe left
'    You know how Tinder works?|    CHRIS: That's very interesting!
  GARY: Everyone knows how|!
    That's a point| You're married, Brannan
    How do I know how Tinder works?| I live in  the same world you do and I read newspapers
    TOM: Yes, that's fair|  MATT: I don't know how Tinder works
    I don't know how Tinder works!|    Just aware, boys
 I've not used it|    This is one of these things where you try and  defend yourself and it just sounds worse, doesn't it
    ALL: Yep|  CHRIS: Stop digging, old boy
    Anyway, yes| What did we use?
    Bebo|    Whoa!
    I have never even heard of this thing|    Does someone want to explain Bebo to Chris?
    Hard, really, but|    You know MySpace?
    Faintly, yeah|    It's what the people that were younger than us  used when MySpace wasn't cool enough
    But it's worse|    Okay
    I'm trying to think who the popular  boy band of the day would be|    Because we're just sending all that, aren't we
    I can tell you, because they were involved in the project|    Oh s***
 Jonas Brothers or One Direction?|    MATT: No, that was a bit before
    TOM: No, no| You're too early for that
    What date are we saying again?|    TOM: 2008
  GARY: 8?| Oh God, I've no idea
    I'll tell you, they're still going|    British or elsewhere?
    British| It was Bebo
 Bebo's a British network|    McFly
    GARY: Ohhh|  MATT: Really!
    McFly were involved| Along with  Deborah Meaden from Dragons' Den
    Off of Dragons' Den|    And Gillian Anderson off of The X-Files
  Because presumably|    Space!
    We are sending mixed messages here, people|    We have this much publicity budget
  this is who we can get|    Ha!
 That's what came first is the money, isn't it|    Who would we put up front now?
  I mean, Hawking obviously|    Yeah, if we need an ambassador
 ungh!|    Brian f***ing Cox
    Oh no| I'd hope they *were* the angry ones,  just because they'd fire at him first
    What's the dislike for Brian Cox?|    It's not a dislike, it's just the use  of him for anything scientific
    CHRIS: That's true, yeah|  TOM: That's fair
    I'm being controversial,  I'm putting Noel Edmonds up there|    What!
 Why?|    Consistent master of ceremonies
    He can anchor any show, no matter what's going wrong|    In the old days, I'd have stuck Monkhouse in
    Did you ever *hear* of Noel's HQ?|    Yeah
 this is true|    The man believes in cosmic ordering
    I'm not putting him out as ambassador for Earth|    You're making some good points here, yeah
    I was thinking from the consistent  broadcasting point of view,    that if anything went wrong,  he'd probably be able to keep a show going|    Oh no, if you're doing that — Davina McCall
    Ohhh|    Davina McCall can hold a show down,  no matter what's going wrong around her
    You're forgetting something here|  This isn't television, this is meeting an alien death fleet
    TOM: Ah| Fair
    I'm assuming telly's going to be there|    Oh!
 Then Morgan Freeman, obviously|    Ahh!
 Well yeah, of course|    There's one for the Americans to know what we're  talking about
 You've heard of Morgan Freeman|    Morgan Freeman
  We're sending him and Stephen Hawking in|    TOM: Yeah
  CHRIS: Yeah, all right|    [Laughter]    It's sending God and science, isn't it?
    Yeah!| That's all it is
 we've got both bases covered!|    Alien death fleet's going to negotiate with them!
    Morgan Freeman could come up with  some kind of homespun philosophy    when things are getting quite tense|    Please invade
 Take me away from all this|    [Laughter]    Anyway, the Message From Earth  has got the McFlies on it?
    Yes, it has, erm|    The McFlies!
    As I believe they're called|    Oh dear
    We've got the McFlies|    501 messages included
  One was chosen to illustrate evil|    'This is a party political broadcast  by the Conservative Party
'    Oh, you know what — you are so close|    F*** off!
    2008, who would you pick to be the epitome of evil?|    GARY: Oh!
 Dubya!|  TOM: Dubya
 [DING]    Nooo!|  [Laughter]    So it's now out of date even though it's within
    It is entirely out of date,  despite the fact it is currently about|    About a third of the way to a planet  about twenty light-years away
    'We have come to rid of your great evil, Dubya Bush|'    Yep
    I've just thought| The best thing is,  when the response comes back,    no one's going to know what they're responding to,  because everyone will have forgotten it happened
    One message says that the best thing  about Earth is George Sampson|    Who no one will remember even in Britain
    Oh hang on, let me have a go|    CHRIS: I remember the name
  MATT: I know that name|    George Sampson
 Was he on| a talent show?
    He was on Britain's Got Talent| He was the kid dancer
    He was a dancer, wasn't he?|    Yeah
 That message is going through  interstellar space right now, aimed at a planet|    D'you know, all that philosophy and engineering  and writing and discovery
    F*** it|  Dancing eight-year-old
    Yeah|    But the best thing is, he was probably cool with that,    because he knows if a message  comes back in the affirmative,    saying, 'Tell us more of these George Sampsons!
'  He's like: 'Career's back|'    TOM: Yeah, that's true
    It's better than what I thought you said|  I thought you said Daz Sampson
    Ohhh|    Ooo
    Oooo|    That's a reference that Americans shouldn't Google
    Don't| Do
  Depends what you like, really|    Yeah
    I'm certainly not going to|  I don't know what they're on about
    I mean| this is blatantly a publicity stunt
    What we have essentially done is spammed a planet  twenty light-years away with an ad for Bebo|    We haven't spammed a planet
 We have  spammed an entire section of space|    A swath of space that the radio
    You can't pinpoint this s***|    No, you can't
 Even a laser beam  pointed at a planet would be so wide|    Oh yeah
 Vast diffusion by the time you| yeah
    What if — can you imagine the opposite?|    That we receive a message that  we can't decode or understand,    because it's come from the depths of space
    We would go absolutely apes*** for something like that|    We would
    They're going to be doing something similar,  you know, and we get it|    Finally, whatever-the-race-is finally lands and goes,    'Ah, yes
 He won one of our  talent shows seventy years ago|'    [Laughter]    I mean, we'd treat it as
    Imagine if some alien culture  sent a similar message to us|    We couldn't decode it
    We would have our best cryptographers  trying to work out|    We really would!
 We'd be trying to point out,    It's directions, or it's scientific information or something|    And all we've done is sent  bloody McFly's friggin' shoe size
    Not their shoe size|  Does anyone want to say what they were
?|    Greatest fears and times they were out of the house
    Did it list the five colours of her hair?|    It was in praise of someone else
 Another woman|    Oh, that song about the teacher?
    No| that was Busted
    They sent a message in praise of Cheryl Cole|    F***
    In praise of a woman who punched a toilet attendant|    Yup
 The transmission took  four and a half hours, by the way|    We used a radio telescope, one of the  greatest scientific achievements in the world,    for four and a half hours, to send this thing
    Yeah, again| planet in the  distance is sending a message:    'We shall do this!
 We have locked onto a signal!|'    'Transmit the message!
'    I can see him there in his big cape and everything,  in his gigantic space palace|    Yeah
 Again, you're on Ming the Merciless here|    Well, everyone in space looks like that
  That's been well established|    Obviously, yeah
    'Transmit the message!|'    Doot
 doot|  coming up 'Engaged'
    There is another message about a year after it,    sent by a completely different group|    They targeted this message  at literally the same solar system
    'Please delete your voice mails,  don't listen to any more, just delete it!|'    Essentially, yes
    Was it UKIP?|    Oh, God!
  Nigel Farage in space|    'No, no
 Let me speak!|'    [Laughter]  Just without a suit
 Just Nigel Farage in space|    No spacesuit, no nothing
    I've got him in a tweed spacesuit|    Oh God, the UKIP Space Agency
    He's got a special kind of space agency-designed glass    that's still got a pint in that he can still suck in|    And a hole for a fag
    And this one was 2|8 megabytes of messages,    which they just accepted everything  sent in to their website
    GARY: Uh-oh|    MATT: Text?
    Text, yes|    Have we just intergalactically potentially sexted?
    Ooo| Ooh, I don't know
    'What do they mean, what am I wearing?|'  [Laughter]    'The same thing I always wear!
 A cape!|'    'A giant cape!
 And a long, swishy set of gloves!|    'And a very neatly trimmed beard!
'    TOM: What I love is that the| the
    CHRIS: 'I am Ming the Merciless!|'    GARY: 'And my hands are wet!
'    'Why does no one have a towel on Mongo?|!
'    MATT: 'This one is wet|'  GARY: 'This one is wet
'    Other messages, then|  We have loads of them
    It turns out, having looked through the wider articles,    there are quite a lot of messages we've sent  to various places over the years|    One of the earliest messages that went out was the Teen Age Message, which was from Russia in 2001
    It included a live performance of music|    And they just plugged the instrument  effectively straight into the radio telescope
    What instrument did they plug in  that could send coherent sound?|    Melodion
    A zither|    Theremin
    TOM: Yes!| [DING]  GARY: Nooo!
    And in fact|    Can you get a more mysterious space music than that?
    Making space noises into space|    [Theremin sounds]  Wooooo
    Yep| First theremin concert for extraterrestrials
    Can we just end it on 'first theremin concert'?|    'Man Found To Own Theremin
'    I got to play a theremin a little while ago|    It's really difficult!
    Bloody difficult, yeah|    Even if you forget the whole volume thing,  the trying to find a note is just
    Why a theremin?|    Well, it just f***ing sounds like space, doesn't it?
    GARY: Yeah!|    It's a constant sine wave
    Like, it sounds like a coherent message,  rather than noise|    Again, someone outside the Earth is doing this to us,  and we're trying to decode it here
    'What could this mysterious message mean?|'  Not realizing it's f***in'
    Woooo|  'Oh God, Doctor Who's coming
'    It's the opening bars to, I don't know,  McFly, played on a friggin' theremin|    They actually did go for Russian folk songs  and classical music there, so
    Have we Trololo-led the universe on a theremin?|    Yes we have
 Yep|    ['Trololo' melody]  Woo-oo-oo-oo-oo
 woo-oo-oo|    So you know all those arguments about how  we shouldn't send signals out there,    in case a hostile civilisation detects us
    Yeah|    Yeah, too late
 Bebo got there first|    Oh, bollocks
    Well, hopefully they'll just pass us by,  based on what we've sent out|    'They are not worth the trouble!
  They cannot dry my flappy gloves!|'    [Laughter]    'And our lack of towels!
'    There is one other thing — one other message,  sent in 2012, that I want to talk about|    which was three transmissions  to three stars in a very specific bit of space
    'Oh, he said you|'    [Laughter]    'You and you, fight!
' Yeah|    No
 which was a reply|    What was it a reply to?
    Is it one of these mysterious sort of  'thunks' that comes from space or|    Yep
 [DING] Have a point|    Anyone remember the name of it?
 The really big signal|    'Wow!
'    [DING] Point| The 'Wow!
' signal|    The guy circled it in red pen  and put 'Wow!
' next to it, and that's it|    Yeah
 It matches the expected signature  of an interstellar signal perfectly|    Never been seen again
    Could have been a freak event|    Did they decode it to 'Air Hostess' by McFly?
    Again — Busted|  But we'll let you have it
    McFly / Busted| Yeah
    What we need is a loud noise that  goes into space, that's recognizable|    That just picks up that 'Wow!
' spike|    So I am up for sticking Brian Blessed  on top of Everest, with an alphorn
    Yep| Okay, good
    Why are we not just sending  big old spikes of solid pitch?|    Because if they're looking in the same way we are,  and all they're getting is a spike
    What we need to send is:    ['Shave and a haircut' rhythm]  Boop boop-boop boop boop|    Yes!
 Absolutely!|    That has got to be universal — yeah, absolutely
    That is universal!| If nothing else,  the 'shave and a haircut' knock up there
    'Shave and a haircut —  shave and a haircut — shave and a haircut —'    'Bomp bomp|'  'Bomp bomp!
'    'Holy f***!|'    Both ends simultaneously realize we've been working  together, it's the grounds for peace, it's fine
    everybody sits down, watches Roger Rabbit, hates  Christopher Lloyd's character, it's fine| Galactic peace
    That's it| We've solved the world's problems
    That's it| Intergalactic peace is inevitable
    Right!| Curry then, chaps
    Yep!| We're all done
 At the end of that show, congratulations Chris, you win this one|    You win a year's supply of AA batteries,  courtesy of He-Man's new company
    The Power of Grayskull|    Cool!
    Best one yet|    Thank you very much to Chris Joel!
    Winning!|    TOM: To Gary Brannan
  GARY: Felicitations|    TOM: To Matt Gray
  MATT: Bye-bye|    I've been Tom Scott, and we'll see you next time
    What, has Ming the Merciless  got designs on Scarborough as well?|    Some hot hail would tidy the place right up
    ALL: Oooo|    GARY: That sounds highbrow and commemorative
    As opposed to lowbrow and commemorative|    Lowbrow commemoration!
    'Dave's dead!|'  [Laughter]    'Back down t' pit!
'    'We're commemorating this with a giant brass arse!|'    Is this something like Fish-Slapping Dance?
    ALL: Ohh|    With a side o' bacon
    Bacon beating!|    Brannan, if you'd care to mime with me
    Go on|    Comme ça?
  Hi, I'm Matt| And I'm Tom and this is the Park Bench
 And this is also an unscheduled video, which is a public apology|    I'd like to apologize to all our audience
 On Saturday we put up a video about about the filming kit that we use,    and I used this image as the thumbnail|    I'd like to make it clear that Matt had no say in the choice of that thumbnail
 I just put it up|    And it was a still from this video
    Reaction was| was somewhat mixed to that,    Firstly it appears that a significant number of people did not click on the video because of that thumbnail,    to you I apologize, but also I received a significant number of complaints along the lines of    "This was the first thing I saw when I turned on my phone this morning
"    I'd like to apologize for using this image, which again is part of this video,    as a thumbnail|    YouTube's Thumbnail Guidelines are    pretty clear that you should have you have clear zoomed in faces, like this one which is from this video,    and obviously, I followed that
 However| It's also clear that you should make the thumbnail in some way related to the content, maybe add some    text and emoji and a color round the side if you are going to use this image    which is as previously mentioned part of this video
    [laughter]clearn    So I'd like to apologize everyone who was affected by that| If you if you have been affected by the issues in this video    caused by this image,    [laughter]    Uh-    [laughter continues]    , then please call the number on screen    where support and advice will be given for a couple of weeks after this video goes up
    And I on behalf of my face    from the same    [both laugh]    Go again, go again|    And I, on behalf of    [Matt loses it]    [censored]    [continued laughter]    And I, on behalf of    this face,    from this image,    from this video,    would like to apologize for the existence of    this face,    from this image,    from this video
    And I will be careful in future when I'm doing so again|    In future we'll try and make our thumbnails more like the rest of YouTube, in which case    we'll take Rick from Rick and Morty's face pasted on top of a bikini model and    put that somewhere in the video to make it a plausible thumbnail that we could use
    We will strive to do everything we can in future to meet these guidelines, and not to use this image,    from this video,    Thank you|    [Matt laughs]    I did not keep that straight for the beginning of it because I couldn't work out how to do it!
    That's OK, I didn't tell Matt what that was going to be about| That was
he went into that cold!|    I'm just
I'm glad you managed that for as long as you could|  Hi, I'm Matt    And I'm Tom    And this is the Park Bench!
    And today, I am kind of doing a behind the scenes video|    About three or four people have actually emailed me asking for a VFX breakdown    of the massively complicated greenscreen video    that I did
 er, last week, I think, as you watch this|    Which one was that?
    This was “Why the YouTube Algorithm will Always be a Mystery”    Oh, that's the one with all the in-jokes in it|    Yes
    It has an enormous, yeah    I put a lot of references in there    (laughter)    I'm sorry, I've been utterly distracted    because there are adorable baby ducks    crossing the pathway over there    They're twerking!|    I beg your pardon?
    They're shaking their arses at us!|    Uh, it's - there we go - it's tail flapping
    Tail flapping|    I also don't know what breed of duck that is
    That is not a breed of duck I've ever seen before,    that looks like a crossbreed of something    sorry, wildfowl knowledge here comes from,    you know, going to uni at York, there you go|    We are actually on a park bench    I should have pointed out, after all this time,    we have actually come back to a real park bench to do this
    Which is funny, because I went to the university of York    and I couldn't give a **** about birds, so|    (laughs)    So the
    Sorry, sorry, so when I say ornith, you say ology|    Ornith
    Ornith|    Okay
    I really hope they did|    Just on the bus
 ology| (laughs)    VFX breakdown
 I'll|    Algorithms!
    Yes| This was a massively complicated video,    about once a year I forget how long it takes me to do a video like this    and so I do a video like this,    and then I swear not to do a video like that again for about a year
 This was|    I
 we met up recently, when you were coming to the end of that edit,    and you weren't in the best of moods|    I wasn't
 I wasn't, that's true|    I could tell by the look on your face that you'd been stuck in After Effects for a week
    Yeah| it took about three days to do the main swathe of the video,    and another three or four days just to fix it,    sorry, the mother duck has gone back for the one missing duckling    and is now bringing that across the path
 I'll move on|    I'm not charmed by many animals, but baby ducks, it's lovely
    This took about 8-10 hours for After Effects to render on my laptop,    and it's a fairly beefy laptop, I don't think it could have done much better than that,    but it was a pretty significant render|    Someone actually emailed me saying there are all sorts of proxy workflows    and things that can make that faster, that's true,    but as I'll go on and explain later,    the very last thing was a change to the greenscreen shot on me that affected every frame,    so everything had to be re-rendered from scratch
    To start off with, the greenscreen shot|    The greenscreen is at YouTube Space London
    It was filmed on the new Black Magic camera, what's it called?|    Was it one of the URSA ones?
    Yes, Black Magic URSA| In 4
6k lossless|    So every single frame -    Is that just a folder of images?
    Yes it is|    And an audio file?
    Yeah| It's 25 raw images per second
    So the six minute video took up about 115 gigabytes    Why?|    Because greenscreen keying is really really difficult if you have any kind of data compression on there
    Yes|    It's possible to do, but it won't look as good,    particularly when you've got a load of kind of
 hair and backdrop, yeah|    Yes, yes, we've tried keying my hair before
    If there's any kind of compression on there, it's really difficult to get it right    it's possible that it won't look as good, so I figured I've got YouTube's kit    let's put this at maximum and see what works|    And of course when I'm actually working on it    I use proxies and lower res versions so it doesn't take ten seconds a frame
    As well as that almost all of the frames have some form of 3D camera and lighting on them,    so it's got to recalculate that, and recalculate the shadows and everything that goes with it,    and it's got to recalculate that regularly as well|    So there was a heck of a lot going on in every single frame
    And I haven't even got to the graphics yet,    there was also the colour correction on me|    I set up the greenscreen lights incorrectly
    Ha ha, you did it yourself    And it looked fine on the little screen|    Did you look a bit green?
    No, I looked a bit grey|    You know I've got some grey hair coming in
    Hold the jokes| I've got some grey hair coming in    I do not have entirely grey hair,    and if I show you what that greenscreen shot looked like before I did the colour correction,    the lights were at the same level as the camera,    so the white light bounced straight off and went straight back in
    Which is perfect for keying but ultimately meant that my hair just looked white, slash grey|    So the first thing to go in was to go in and colour correct that grey    which took two different passes, then HSL secondary colour,    the T shirt so it actually looked right, and that's, so, in total    there were four passes of the colour on there to get everything right
    Here's a lesson by the way, while you can fix, fix things in po, er,    Fix things in post?|    Thank you
    Do you want to say that again and I'll edit it in?|    A little lesson here, while you can fix things in post, it can be an utter arse to do
    Yes|    It's easier to work it out beforehand and then redo everything beforehand than it is to actually do it in post
    Yeah, and this was filmed in LOG colour as well,    I won't go into the details of that but if you're filming anything professionally these days,    if your camera does a LOG colour profile and you can fix it in post,    sorry, not fix, but correct it in post, you should|    Here's a quick explanation of LOG colour,    it doesn't look like you'd expect it to look like,    and it doesn't look like    what it would look like to your eyes
    It saves the image in a thing that has enough data for the computer    which means you have to munge it for it to look good,    but it's got more data so then you can munge it better|    It's like taking raw photos where you can tweak the shadows    and the brightnesses
    brightnesses, you know what I mean, the light bits, to get the data out|    The analogy I love is that it's like making sure you record    audio at a slightly lower level    you've got all the detail in there    and if someone accidentally yells or you suddenly point your camera at something bright,    you can fix it, because the original data is still there    it's not been clipped at the top and the bottom
    Does that make sense?|    I have reservations about that
    I thought you would, you're an audio engineer|    Right
 So that's all I had to fix first, and then we finally start the video|    The first section with the computer -    He's watching this off YouTube for reference
    The first section this is not, this is the one bit that doesn't have 3D lighting and shadow|    This is just a series of compositions    nested to each other
    So in After Effects you can select one layer,    you can use the whip tool, whip pick tool to connect it to another    pause there    and then as you move one, the other children as they are called will follow|    So you've got lots of objects on screen, and you're moving one of them
    And they're all following, so you can resize one, rotate one    and they'll all follow and change in sync    the one thing that it doesn't change in sync is opacity    because that means you can turn one down    and the others will still work, that's all fine|    When it moves out on the computer screen, I've added a bulge effect    and a – what's the word, Venetian blinds effect for scan lines    to give it a bit of texture in there
    I actually had to install a Windows ME virtual machine to get these screenshots|    You didn't just get ones off the internet?
    No|    And photoshop them?
    No, the one that is photoshopped here is AOL instant messenger    because I couldn't actually get that started without an AOL instant messenger account    and you couldn't make that work|    But other than that    these are all genuine screenshots    of genuine Windows ME    apart from things like the text that was being put in during, in the notepad window
    Read that| Do read that
    What, the| oh yeah, the -    The text, I love that bit
    Yeah, reference number one, that is a Billy Joel reference    because the last ones in ha| in ha?
    The last ones in here are|    let me get the timing right    flash player, blogosphere, screen s
 uh,    free stuff, flash player, blogosphere, screensaver,    iphone, myspace, online games, nu-rave,    we didn't start the fire|    And
 I have more respect for Billy –    I had a lot of respect for Billy Joel    but now I have more respect for Billy Joel    because it turns out just writing two stanzas of that when you have the whole of history to choose from    for like a ten year period is really difficult    let alone actually doing the couplets in chronological order by year, which is what he did|    Each pair of lines in We Didn't Start the Fire is a new year    apart from the last verse which is like the whole of history from the sixties to the
    Really?|    Yeah
    Huh|    Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team,    Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland    are all nineteen fifty
 seven I think?|    It's something like that
 Anyway| Reference one
    Move on, what else have we got, we've got a couple of other things in here    the instant messenger window that pops up    has a reference to that viral video of He-Man singing what's up by 4 Non Blondes    I don't know that|    It's the one that was actually titled Magical Secret Powers but got known on the internet as    HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA
    Okay|    Because the, both from the colour of the text and from the LOL j/k at the end
    That was originally a "your mum" joke    instead of well you would say that wouldn't you    it originally said that's not what your mum said last night    but I decided that joke was a little bit too rude for general consumption when kids| like, I wanted it to be -    (laughs) Like your mum?
    He tags – no, your brother, when someone makes a “your mum” joke|    Yeah, when someone makes a “your mum” joke at my brother on Facebook    he tags our mum in and asks her if it's true
    She plays along|    I learnt that the hard way
    Also worth noting, all the numbers of view counts, and things like that end in 301|    I spotted that
    Yeah, old YouTube thing|    And also the drones vs lightning one    the emoji is replaced by two Unicode character not found things    because that's what Internet Explorer 6 would have done, if Internet Explorer 6 still worked
    If you actually spotted that,    Yeah,    Please let us know, because, really?|    Yeah
 There is a joke in here which, as of when we recorded this, no-one has spotted,    which I am kind of annoyed about|    The real player thing, I did download RealPlayer to make that work    the bar at the top does track in real time with the video you're watching    the number that it's dialling is an Ofcom drama number so it can't possibly connect but it looks realistic    I'll look that up
    Yeah I thought you would|    0207946 is always guaranteed, it's like a 555 number in the US
    I thought it was|    What else have we got?
 All the Outlook Express, I had to write all those email titles    there is a millennium bug one in there which I quite liked    Some people complained that Windows ME was too early    but I needed a computer that was plausibly in use both in 2000 and in 2007|    So it had to be that
 It was just a bit too early for XP for this bit of the sequence, so I had to keep it|    The flash that just happened is to cover the fact    that I've now switched to a 3D composition with lighting and everything    and the pixels might not be exactly the same, so that's to cover that
    It is one continuous take, I have cheated on that before and you've seen me cheat on that before    there have been hidden wipes and things like that| This is genuinely one continuous take
    Disappearing hands|    Yeah, and breathe
 Alright, where are we?|    Not even a third of the way through
    I look down there to make sure that I was still on my mark because I'd done a lot of moving about|    That's where the colour correction had failed and it looks like the back of my head is entirely grey    no-one has noticed that yet
    Okay, that's genuinely the YouTube paper and that shadow has been cast by After Effects on it    because these are all 3D layers now placed as if they were in a real studio    with a real camera moving around them|    You weren't intending that shadow on that paper were you?
    Yes I was| Totally was
 I wasn't intending it to work perfectly first time    but it did, because if you set up your composition in after effects so you have a sensible zero point    you can just type in I want this at 500 pixels back and rotated this far|    Okay I thought that was one of the things I'd pointed out    that I liked that you said that you did by accident
    Getting it right first time by accident was there, but the lights were there|    Oh, okay
    I say by accident, I typed in I wanted the paper there    I knew I was there because you can just enter in pixel values and it looked right|    Let's see, what else have we got in here?
    The Go board is the final position from the AlphaGo match with Google|    Two reasons for that, one is because it's a well known game of Go    and secondly because I knew this had to get approved by YouTube legal    because I was filming it at YouTube, I filmed it at YouTube Space    so I knew it was an image they had the rights to anyway and would let me use
    The sound of that box, which I'll play again now because I think I talked over it,    was in fact my microwave in my kitchen|    And breathe
 The hand movements I just matched,    I knew what I was going to do roughly there    I don't go into these by the way knowing what I'm going to do,    I film the greenscreen and then I match the pictures to it|    That makes sense because you can change how you say your sentence afterwards    and what you talk about, and even if you've got a script, it's quite easy to go on a tangent
    I knew there was going to be a physical – a “physical” - black box in front of me    that I was going to do things to,    but I didn't know what it was going to look like    and I didn't know I was going to tell it to spin    The best thing by the way for making after effects look professional    turn on motion blur, make sure all your movements are eased    so they slow down at the end and speed up at the start|    I think that the Shamen were generally in favour of that
    E's and whizz?|    E's a good
    E's a good!| Right yeah
 See what you did there|    Um, all the (laughter) God damn it, Matt
    I was going for Sorted for E's and Whizz from Pulp|    But that's
    Naughty naughty, very naughty|    The two things that pop up are just public domain images and nothing special
    All the icons on the box are actually Microsoft's emoji font,    which is really handy if you want to make pictograms of things|    That font looks surprisingly nice actually
    It really does, they've done a really nice job designing it|    Let's see what else we've got in here
    Yeah so that looks like a heart|    Um, I might be throwing a little bit of sass in this video at clickbait channels, just a little
    Really?| Well I didn't notice any of that at all
    Because the non clickbait channels have much lower view counts than the ones that aren't|    Right, let's skip forward
    This comes at -this is obviously an Alex Jones Infowars reference|    I was amazed I didn't get more Alex Jones fans complaining at me about this    but essentially just a load of the comments said yep, you've been sassy there haven't you?
    And I'm like, yeah, I'm good, I'm good with that, that's fine|    The paper in front of me is the YouTube algorithm paper again
    I spotted that| I like that
    Right, we now come to the reference that no-one got|    Right there
    That transition into the cartoon|    So first of all thank you to Matt Lay, who did a wonderful cartoon of me
    I basically sent him an email out of the blue saying    can I pay you to cartoon this 15 seconds of video    and he was like yeah, sure|    But the transition into, also, the background to this shot is the park bench background
    Yeah, I could see you'd nicked that|    Right, there was a Dreamworks film many many years ago called The Road to Eldorado,    back when Dreamworks was trying to compete with Disney, they did a big 2D animated number
    They hired Elton John to do the - and I think Tim Rice, might be wrong there,    to do the lyrics for it and music for it because they had done the Lion King|    So it's like okay, we're going to hire these guys
    And the big song from it was called Some Day Out of the Blue|    And this had stuck in my head because it was the first time    and I think I saw it, because they used it as a trailer,    they used the entire music video as a trailer
    And it's stuck in my head because it was the first time I'd ever seen live action animation combined|    I hadn't seen Who Framed Roger Rabbit at that point
    And the transition, the opening of that video is Elton John sitting at a piano    and then it transitions into animated Elton John put into the movie    and the transition between the two, the reason it looks so cheesy in this video is because I have copied that as closely as I possibly can    and here is the comparison    Does the electric lightning bolt start all the way up Elton John?|    No, it starts at about his shoulders
    I matched that|    (Laughter) How long did that take?
    That took me two hours    to try and find an effect that looked close enough    It's actually the lightning, it's the off the shelf lightning thing in after effects    pinned manually frame by frame    and with all the settings tweaked|    Well I'm glad you did it
    Yeah| It's good for me if nothing else
    As far as I know no-one got that reference or told me about it, despite saying watch out for it|    Well has anyone seen that film?
    I've only heard of it because you've mentioned it|    That's not even in the film, that's just in the music video they released for the film
    I said it was obscure|    So yes, the background music is just an off the shelf thing in YouTube's audio library
    This shot, the tablet there has actually been over the top all the way through,    it just kind of appears at one point slightly out of frame    and then the camera pulls back through it    it's actually like a window    there is a transparent hole in the middle of it and the camera is pulling back through,    which is why the background moves as if it were a 3D thing behind rather than a picture|    Because it's just been sat there waiting behind the camera the entire time
    Yeah| I was going to nest it so it looked like you were pulling back on an image    but I liked the effect where it looked like a transparent window better,    so I just kept the one even though it looked, even though it wasn't technically right
    I liked the 3D effect|    And then I kind of ran out of ideas so the rest of this is mostly just talking    there isn't actually much going on here, I continue to -    The box spins sometimes, doesn't it?
    Yeah, I continue to sass things|    But that's about it, that's the VFX breakdown, the tricky part is    – oh, no, there is one thing, there's this
    That is a off the shelf particle effect in after effects    run backwards, so it's a composition that has been nested    and then time reversed so the things fly in|    There's no way to do after effects
    Oh, it's a particle generator that's been in backwards so it receives, yeah|    It's a particle generator with the time run backwards
    There is sadly no way to do that other than buying an incredibly expensive special particle thing    and I didn't want to do that|    Oh!
 Well, they got close without me realising it, didn't they?|    Yeah
    I'll show you the geese in a minute|    The whiteboard comes in again, I was starting to run out of ideas and time    I was just getting vaguely angry with this at this point,    so this is just things moving in and moving out
    So the complexity of the in jokes just goes down and down and down    the further through the editing process you get|    A little bit
 There is a tip I would give you, if you are doing something like this    and you have digital things coming in and out    if you want it to look more like there is a human behind the camera    move your camera after the thing moves out of shot|    If you move them in sync it looks weird and unnatural    you move it as if the camera operator were reacting and it looks lovely
    And that is about it, I think, we moved to the end|    Oh yeah!
 There was the one thing I set up at the start    the thing that caused me to re-render everything|    And the thing I really should have sorted not in post
    What I should have done was I should have put a little bit of concealer on my lip    just here, because that morning I'd shaved over something    zit, ingrown hair, no idea what,    but whatever it was I just recorded it, just thought oh, well that hurt, if I put some tissue on it, it'll be fine|    But – blimey!
    You're not going to see those geese, but I'm just going to show you those geese|    Are these geese going to get angry at me if I film them?
    Probably, they're geese|    That's true
    That's adorable|    Anyway, I had a big red blotch here
    I did not notice it on the day in the mirror    I did not notice it on the small preview,    I didn't even notice it when I looked at the footage,    I just went yeah, that's cool, the key's fine|    But if you look at it, you cannot see anything else
    I just looked – I know we all see our own blemishes worse than they are    but I can't see anything else|    I did see that before you fixed it, and it was a hell of a spot
    To be fair, I didn't see the thing on my lip in the video from Norway    at some point in the last few seconds, big white thing there, landed    I don't know what happened, must have been something out the air or something|    Didn't even see it
    Loads of people pointed it out because of course you did, thanks|    Fortunately it's only in the last five seconds, so it could be worse
    Sorry, just incoming bird strike there|    Lot of pigeons
    We appear to have become one with nature|    Anyway, so
 How do you fix that in After Effects?|    Because you can't – you said at the time that you'd tried to do the object tracking stuff, and it didn't-    Yeah, so attempt one was the colour correction,    like, I select that bit of my face, turned down the red
    Doesn't work, it's the same colour as my lip, and the same colour as the shadow under my nose,    can't be done|    Option two, use the after effects motion tracker,    lock onto it, run forward
    No, my head's moving too fast|    And there's too many other things that could be it,    and it's also a bit too much blur for it to reliably track it
    So in after effects CC in the 2016 version there is a face tracker|    Oh really?
    Yep| You draw a circular mask round a face,    and you say play the face tracker
    And it tracks, not only does it track where the face is so you can mask it,    but it also tracks position of eyes, nostrils, ears, mouth, everything|    And it gives you data points for each one
    Is it some kind of relative comparison then?|    Yeah
 Yeah, the catch is, After Effects kind of breaks    if you try and track anything longer than 15 seconds|    That's true of the 3D camera tracker, that's true of loads of things
    So I then had to-    So can I guess how you did this?|    Yeah, go for it
    So you had the thing on your face, you said it's this far from my nostrils,    this far from my eyes, this far from my mouth,    you did it for 15 seconds and then you copy and pasted the vector effectively?|    Not quite
 I cut it into 15 second blocks,    ran the face tracker on each one    so now each face tracker effect has a set of expressions,    not expressions, um, effects below it,    each layer has a set of effects with numbers in it saying exactly where all the focal points are|    Then there is a layer above it which is an adjustment layer
    In there is a simple wire removal    which is a really handy effect because not only can it be used to remove wires,    it can also be used to remove little blotches|    And the two points on it are defined on an expression which I will put on screen now
    Ooh|    The top part of it runs through the layers    until it finds the top active layer    which includes the name of the file,    if that makes sense, so it runs down to    this is the one that's on right now, great
    From that layer    read the current position of these two bits from my mouth,    and now average it so you've got the centre of them|    After Effects will do vector maths natively    so it will just take an x,y position and average it
    So now we've got, because there's no point where I do that or that,    we've got the centre of my mouth, right?|    Then it tracks this nostril
    And it draws a line based on -    originally I was going to do maths, and then I realised all I need to do    is set those as the baseline    and then create two other sliders, x and y, and just say use those as averages|    Go, you know, that's the average, go that percentage down it and that percentage across it,    and it'll usually be in that position and it was
    That was the nightmare,    that is why I had to re-render everything    that is the VFX breakdown    and those are still baby geese|    (Laughs)    So there you go, if you want a breakdown of how that video was made from him then there you go
    If you came here for the geese, then|    Yeah
 Lot of geese|    He's got them for you
    You know my favourite thing about your whole description?|    What?
    The way you pronounce the word layer|    How did I pronounce it?
    Leeeeeeaaaaaair|    Every time
    Don't start mocking my layers!|    You know why I'm mentioning this?
    Why?|    Reeeeeally?
    That TechDiff episode isn't even going to be out yet by the time this is|    Am I mispronouncing layer?
    Have I been mispronouncing layer all this    all the| I don't even know
    You say it as one syllable, I say it as two|    Layer
    Yeah, but I don't say lair|    I don't say L-A-I-R
    I say like lay| layer
    Your diphthong is slightly different to lair    it's the same but with a very slightly different vowel|    It sounds like a posh person saying layer
    Noted|    It's fine, I knew what you meant
    Come here, geese|    Don't get attacked
    Hi, geese!|    So here we have the Tom Scott
    Tom Scott enjoys geese, birds and other things like this|    And you can see now how creepy this    creaky this crappy tripod is    by how juddery this pan is, but there we go
    Stalking them,    and the parent geese don't seem to care about this natural predator|    Maybe he's not much of a predator at all
    (laughs)    (loud sigh)  Did their faces go all like that as they went  over the top?|    No, that’s sustained
    You’ll get that if you get sustained Gs|    This is…
    It’s more a sort of “ga-dumf” feeling|    ‘Cos when you jump and hit the floor, briefly,  your feet are getting a few Gs
    But it’s so brief that it doesn’t matter|    I’ve got a friend  who’s a massive rollercoaster fan    and I went with her to a…
    Thorpe Park, if we’re allowed to name check,    and before each ride she’d be like, right,    this has maximum G of this,  and this many flips, and the other,    but then the whole ride is just me sitting  there counting them going    “yes, that works out,  ooh yep, that’s there”|    And so it turns into somewhere between  rollercoaster riding and accounting,    which is kind of fun
    Tell you what, that’d be a job to get into,  accounting on a rollercoaster|    Well, no, you just design the rollercoaster  so it’s basically the pound after Brexit
    And it’s just…| no, there’s the drop!
    Satire!|    That exists, it’s the first drop on the  Pepsi Max Big One
    I was going for Oblivion at Alton Towers|    Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
    You could have a whole theme park!|    “You want to go on the tulip ride again?
”    “Yeah, let’s do it|”  This is the Technical Difficulties, we’re  playing ‘Citation Needed’
    Joining me today,  he reads books y'know, it’s Chris Joel|    I thought o'summat on t'train, but it’s  gone now
    Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,  Gary Brannan|    So in the end I just stocked up on booze from  the Tesco’s,    had a massive dump and went to sleep
    And the bounciest man on the internet,  Matt Gray|    And this is what a live studio audience applauding  sounds like!
    And today we are talking about 'Acoustic Kitty'|    Is it when you don’t put the jack in before  you squeeze it?
    What?|    Acoustic kitty
    Electric kitty!|    Right, yes
    You’re playing a cat with a feedback pedal,  I get where you’re going with that|    I didn’t get the 'jack' bit and I thought  it was like a car-jack or something
    No, just grab the tail|    No, that’s elevated kitty
    Yes, if you did it with a cat’s tail they  do get, generally,    a little bit higher each time|    Top Cat!
    And when you take it out, low cat|    Is it like some kind of loud bank?
    Oh, get out|    Get out!
    I’ve just worked that one out|    Get out
    You’ve going to have to explain that one|    Isn’t a kitty like a fund or something?
    Yes, it is|    That got a boo!
    I’m all about the groaning today!|    Today, may I say, on behalf of us and the  entire audience,    you are the f***ing worst
    Oh, harsh(!|)    Surely every cat is acoustic?
    I'm telling you, man, not necessarily!|    So since Bob Dylan electrified his cat, then…
?|    You’re actually in roughly the right era
    So 1960s|    Yes, absolutely
    And it’s an actual cat|    Yes, it is an actual cat
    But, it’s not like cats were silent until  the '60s|    It’s not like no one had ever, I don't know,  surprised one    or stood on its tail,  or actually not fed one    because, trust me, they are f***ing acoustic  when they’ve not been fed
    I know, but until 1916 they used to have another,  smaller cat    following them around with a series of placards  saying “meow” on them|    Until, one day, the first cat burped,  and went
    And they found their first talkie|    I just had the worst and best idea  at the same time
    Teach your cat to hook a little flag onto  its tail    that says what it actually means|    How would you train the cat in the first place?
    One of the flags it would need would be the  flag to say,    “Don’t train me to hold up flags!|”    Can I just say, in the five seconds that I  had there to work this s*** out,    at no point had I thought this through
    That’s abundantly clear!|    Right, I thought, “Oh, you could do that”
    By the time you started going,  I went, “Oh, you really can’t|”    It’s fine
    That’s how the process of discovery happens|    Well!
    Look before you leap|    Don’t nail flags to cats without considering  the consequences
    I did not mention nails!|    I said hook
    It’s a little thing like that, like you  get on a-    What?| A ringworm?
    No!|    I know the thing, it’s on the top of an  orange juice carton
    One of those-    - Ring-pull?|  - Yes!
    How will that hold a flag on?|    - Glue!
  - You want a ring-pull feline?|    Why just not nail it to the cat then?
    A ring-pull's for taking things off!|    Yes, but I’m finding another use for it,  for f***’s sake!
    Oh, you’re recycling now!|    Yes!
    - First buy your orange juice|  - Yes!
 Yes!|    - Pull the tab, place to one side
  - Yes!|    Drink the orange juice, cut the flag out of  the orange juice…
    So hold on, this is basically a cat saying,    “orange juice” for the rest of its life?|    On the one side it says orange juice
    |on the other side it says nothing!
    On the other it says, “Food” or, “Toilet”  or, “I hate you” or, “Ow|”    And you’re going to train the cat to get  a different one
?|    Yes, I am, there’ll be
    But they can’t use the scissors to cut out  the orange juice carton!|    They have a HUMAN HELPER!
    You haven’t thought this through!|    I know!
    Stop judging me!|    I have all these ideas, all the time!
    You’ve managed to catch one in the nth-of-a-second    that the idea existed as a thing in my mind|    Anybody else want to take a swing,    just while we’ve got him on the run?
    While he's down?|    The thing is, amidst all that, Gary…
    - Oh god|  - Don’t tell me he’s got a point
    You were talking about terrible ideas that  briefly sounded like a good thing,    and I’m giving you a point for it|    Yes!
    Here we go…|    Isn't there a thing in 'Monty Python' where  they hit mice to make an instrument?
    Is that like an acoustic kitty but with-    You’re thinking the wrong way round here|    You’re thinking production of noise
    A listening cat?|    Espionage?
    F***!|    So, you feed the cat LSD to achieve mind control,    put on your tinfoil hat and send it to listen
    - You’ve got one part of that right|  - Tinfoil hat!
    and it’s not the LSD or the tinfoil hat|    Tinfoil cat!
    So, they’ve strapped a tape recorder or  something to a cat    and let it wander in places|    A big reel-to-reel on the back
    A big Uher on the back!|    I’ll give you the point,    they did attach something to it but it wasn’t  a big reel-to-reel tape
    Oh, it’d be a radio transmitter|    Rockets!
    Yes…|    No
    It’s got to get there, and they don’t  walk far|    You’ve absolutely right
    You’ve also used the word ‘strap’,    I’m giving you a point for radio transmitter,    but strap is definitely not right|    Implant?
    - Absolutely right|  - What?
!|    Apparently, I’m the sensible one this  episode
    Yes|    So, me putting my cat in a dress  for medical reasons is weird    but implanting a microphone in a cat,  totes normal
    That’s the way today’s going for everybody|    Yes, in an hour-long procedure  a veterinary surgeon implanted    a microphone in the cat’s ear canal    Oh
    a small radio transmitter  at the base of its skull    Oh!|    and a thin wire into its fur
    Agh!|    That’s what the cat said
    I like the fact it’s a perfectly normal  looking cat after this,    apart from the aerial with the red flashing  light on top|    Who might’ve done that?
    Is it| is it
 is it Russia?|    No
    Is it| is it
 is it America?|    Yes
    Yes, it was the CIA Directorate  of Science and Technology|    How the hell did the CIA manage to out-weird  Russian intelligence?
    They probably didn’t, but we don’t know  what the Russians were up to,    because of Russian intelligence|    While they were implanting  microphones in cats    the Russians were firing theirs into  the icy vacuum of space, let’s face it
    With even bigger antennas!|    Yes, it was the CIA from America
    The idea being that the cat  would wander into a place    and just be surreptitiously recording things|    Let me guess, the cat didn’t wander where  they wanted it to wander
    Because it's a cat|    Yes
    What they did they have to do another operation  to get around?|    Oh no, this isn’t the old woman  who swallowed a fly is it?
    They don’t end up sending an elephant in  to distract from the cat?|    They’ve invented, by the way, the Cyberman  cat there, incidentally!
    Because they've been replacing parts|    Make them bionic
    But, how can you…|    I can only go in grim places to what they  had to do to fix…
    They bypassed the cat’s sense of hunger,  apparently|    - Oh, for
 how?|!
  - What?|!
    - Grim|  - I’m just quoting what it says here
    It is grim|    Cats are always hungry
    Yes, that was one of the problems with it|    The CIA really know what tuna sounds like
    (Is that what cats eat?|  I’ve never fed one
)    So, how much did this cost?|    To get a cat, to do the research-    Well, the cat’s cheap
    Yes, to be fair, the cat was probably cheap  but the entire project here,    according to Victor Marchetti,  former CIA officer,    how much did they spend on a| on a cat?
    Was it a dollar sign  with the word "ridiculous" after it?|    Hang on, Price is Right rules?
    Yeah, Price is Right rules, closest one without  going over|    We’re in dollars, yes?
    Yes, we’re in US dollars|    US dollars in the 1960s,    so it’s about half what you have now
    I’m going to say half-a-million|    He’s saying half-a-million
    “One million dollars|”    Now, we know what you do now
    Is he going to do the $1 bid,  or is he going to go high?|    Well, I’m not going high, I was going to  say $150,000    but you pointed to him first
    Well, you’re correct  but you’re not even close, $20m|    F***!
    So they got the cat|    No way, really?
    They implanted things in the cat|    Where did they release the cat?
    Okay, not| surely not in the abroads?
    No, it was in America, I’ll give you that|    Embassy Row, if there is such a thing,    in New York, or Washington or something
    Yes, you’re absolutely right, the Soviet  compound in Washington DC|    So, someone walked up to the Soviet compound,    - bunged a cat over the wall
  - threw a cat at it!|    Or was it parachuted in?
    No, the first mission was to eavesdrop on  two men in a park out|    
sorry, parachuted?|!
    Yeah!|    I’m not entirely convinced that a cat is  going to be really good at pulling its rip-cord
    It’s coming from low-altitude, it’ll have  the wire that|    - It's a static line
  - Oh, wire attached to it|    Ha-ha!
    Not so stupid now|    They released it
    It did wander towards the park bench|    What happened?
    It died of hunger because they’d bypassed  its hunger centre|    I was going to say,  they bypassed its hunger centre,    but it'd go in to the kitchen  and eat all the lovely tuna    that had been left cooling on a window-sill,  or something like that
    Put a wee flag up saying, “I’m a spy|”    Did it immediately have a dump?
    Yeah, mark its territory|    And that’s all that was recorded
    Marking its territory, yes|    It is, sadly, a little bit harsher
    Oh, hit by a car|    Yes, hit by a taxi immediately
    Oh, we're all the worst|    The twenty million dollar cat
    “We can rebuild it!|
  oh actually, never mind|”    
was hit by a taxi almost immediately|    Are these guys with dark glasses,    dark car parked over the round from the compound,    releasing the cat out of the boot of the car
    "Good work agent, and now we|"    The former Director of the CIA Technical Service    said that’s an urban myth, and the actual  problem with it was what?
    It walked off|    Yes, training the cat, I’ll give you the  point for that
    The project was considered to be a failure  and a total loss|    What happened to the cat?
    Well, you just said it got run over|    Did it have a proper military burial?
    No, this is the alternate story|    This is what the CIA-    Did it defect to work for the other side?
    I like that idea because clearly the Russians  have better tuna|    It goes through the gate, on the other side  is a Russian Blue
    “Welcome, Agent Tiddles|”    If the Russians had better tuna
    they’d be able to pick up on the frequencies  transmitted by it better|    Tuner, oh…
    Radio tuner, oh my god|    Four
 It’s passed the boundary|    Snuck over
    Yes, I’m sorry, it’s an ugly four, though,    it really is, it’s off the edge|    According to that CIA Director,    what happened to that cat once they ended  the program?
    Did it just go and live with other people  all the time,    picking up on hilarious conversations    that could be made into an excellent film  now I’ve just thought of it?|    There’s a cracking kids’ book in that
    Yes|    Yes, the equipment was taken out of the cat,  the cat was resewn
    Hang on, that’s two massive things you’ve  just skipped over there|    One, "the equipment was taken out of the cat"  is a sentence    that I’m pretty hopeful would only be heard  in this room today,    and, “The cat was sewn up
”    Yes, it was, and lived a long and happy life  afterwards|    I’m going with hypothesis A somehow
    I can only imagine that it actually  got shipped off to Portmeirion    and it’s now wearing a little blue blazer    and being chased by just a normal sized balloon  down a beach|    It’s a slow burning  ‘Prisoner’ reference there
    That was a slow burn|    This is getting some weird reactive wave
    Anyone who’s seen ‘The Prisoner’,  that landed, that was good|    I’m envisioning the whole thing now
    You can see the whole title sequence,  can't you?|    Entertain yourselves, this is a good half-hour  for me now
    I have managed to pull up here something from    the actual National Archives  of the United States,    a redacted document|    About a cat?
    What did they think they could do with cats?|    Distractionating!
    While a better trained animal    actually goes and does the listening|    What, like a chimp with a little microphone?
    And a suit, and shaved|    Obviously, you’ve got to blend in
    In fact, just a small person|    We could even use full-sized people
    We could call them spies!|    “That’s a step too far, agent
”    “Okay|!
”    I suppose, the only thing a cat can do is    just wander in unexpected and everyone be  fine with that|    Yes, you’re absolutely right, trained to  walk short distances
    That was $20m and high-tech cat bug equipment-    - To go 5 metres?|  - Yes
    And only if they wanted to go that way anyway|    Why don't you just lob it?
    Again, however, and I’m quoting here,    “The environmental and security factors  force us to conclude that,    “for our purposes, it would not be practical|”    “But, damn it, we tried”, basically
    Have you ever had an essay where you know  your conclusion is terrible?|    Yes
    But you have to write a conclusion anyway|    Yes
    “The work done on this problem over the  years reflects great credit    “on the personnel who guided it,  particularly| 'redacted',    “whose energy and imagination could be models  for scientific pioneers
”    S***, I probably know the guy, yeah|    There is a connection here to an article labelled  ‘remote control animal’
    What?|!
    Is that an animal used to remote control or  remote control of an animal?|    Remote control of an animal
    Ohh…|    'Cos the other way round they use pigeons  for bombs
    I was going to say, pigeons in bombs|    The Brits did that, I think
    They put a pigeon in a bomb and they trained  it to peck on cities|    Yes, you’re absolutely right
    It pecked on a bit of glass and which bit  of glass they did    pulled a lever which made the bomb turn,    and then it went down to the ground|    It landed
    Well done there, that was worth it|    So, it wasn’t that?
    No, it wasn’t,  but that’s a brilliant story|    Yes, it was BF Skinner’s pigeon controlled  guided bomb
    How do you think that worked?|    What, for the pigeon it sounds pretty s***  either way, I'll be honest
    What did we call this weapon, incidentally?|    Er, Project Pigeon
    That’s a shame|    Clever
 Clever|    I was going to go for the V-Coo
    Did Churchill not like the idea?|    Is this one of these where you could flick  a coin    and on Monday he’d like it and on Tuesday  he’d hate it?
    "Our problem was no one would take us seriously|"    Well, if you’re going to call it  Operation Hilarious Pigeon Bomb,    or whatever they called it…
!|    There was also the Bat Bomb
    They attached incendiary bombs to bats    and then dropped a casing with 1000 bats on  woodland|    F
 what?|!
    Incendiary bomb: thus|    Bat: that
    Small incendiary bomb|    What, like matches basically then?
    Firecrackers|    Yes, the idea being that it was on somewhere    that had a lot of tinder and kindling,    and if you have hundreds of bats, one of them’s  going to find the target
    - That is horrific|  - Yes
    I like the fact that the first time  they tested it    they're flying over the target, the pulled  the lever on the bomb bay,    and the bats are just hung upside down in  the bomber|    And on the clipboard he just writes,    “maybe try night-time”  or something like that
    It’s just a bloke in a white coat|    “Hmm, yes
”    “Bats insufficiently motivated|”    It did, apparently, work
    Astonishingly enough|    What, dropping 1000 small incendiary bombs  caused a fire?
    One is stunned!|    The bats seem incidental to this process actually,  right now
    They were more about distribution, where did  it set fire to first?|    - The bat houses
  - The plane|    Yes, pretty much, an auxiliary airbase where  they were testing it and it got away
    It’s not great, have a point|    “Wait a minute, it’s night-time!
”    “S***|”    “We used homing pigeons!
    “And for some reason they keep coming home|”    The bats incinerated the test range and roosted  under a fuel tank
    Fuel tank?|!
    - Fuel tank, yes|  - Whaaa!
    It worked|    It was effective,    and then computer control came in a few years  later when the war ended
    What, of bats?|    Well that’s where we started, isn’t it?
    This is a tangent|    Can you imagine that at the start?
    “What caused the fire?|”    “Bats
”    “How did the bats start a fire?|”    “I strapped a bomb to them
”    “What happened?|”    “Went in the fuel tank at night
”    “Oh, for God’s sake|  What else have you done?
”    “Homing pigeons|”    “Oh no, no, no, no, no
”    “Salmon with warheads on|”    “Oh s***, they’re going to come back  aren’t they?
”    Are there still bats out there that have to  be defused, I wonder, after the war?|    I don’t think bats live that long, I'll  be honest with you
    ‘Warning, unexploded bat|’    Did they evolve to have  incendiary bombs in them?
    That’s| not how evolution works
    Yet|    Tell that to the bombardier beetle
    There was also, and this is a brief and quite  dark story    but I’m going to go with it anyway-    Oh yes, because that will change the tone  of the episode|    The anti-tank dog
    Alright, yeah, okay|    One louder, fine(!
)    Was it a dog that really didn’t like tanks?|    Well it didn’t when it hit 'em
    Quite the opposite|    Trained to associate  the image of a tank with food,    run towards it with
    - Bomb on|  - Yes
 Spot on| What was the
    Well, Spot was all over it by the end of it|    “Run Spot, run
!|”    There was one slight problem
    This was a Soviet plan, what was the problem  with the plan?|    'Cos they actually got to the point of releasing  dogs on the battlefield
    Ran towards T34s instead of Tigers|    Yes, you’re absolutely right
    They were trained on Soviet tanks so they  ran towards the Soviet tanks|    I am thick as mince,    and even I can see where that’s going wrong,  right?
    Just make a cardboard cut-out|    Or a balloon, or something like that, yeah
    There were some successful deployments    but they eventually realised that was not  a great idea|    I think that may have to be  where we call this-    On that massive downer
    Well, I was going to say, “On that bombshell,” but|    At the end of the show, congratulations Matt,  you win this one
    Yay!|    Very clearly, you win this one
    You win some rice, raw fish and seaweed in  the shape of a luxury car|    It’s a sushi Rolls Royce
    With that we say thank you to Chris Joel|    Bye then
    To Gary Brannan|    To Matt Gray
    I’ve been Tom Scott,  we’ll see you next time|    And thank you to you
    Thank you so much|    Man, that got dark
    Yeah|  It was, this is
    [hums 'Pop Goes The Weasel']    That's actually better!|    Digital versus analogue
    - Digit!| Digit!
  - Sounds better on vinyl|    Digital!
  It's f***ing clever comedy!|    Radio 4, commission us now
    Where are you, you b******s?|    I listen at 6:30, I know what goes out!
  This is the Technical Difficulties,  we’re playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today, he reads books y'know,  it’s Chris Joel
    Hello!|    Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,  Gary Brannan
    It--    And the bounciest man on the internet,  Matt Gray|    Bienvenue, YouTube!
    Ah, très bien!|    In front of me I’ve got an article from Wikipedia  and these folks can’t see it
    Every fact they get right is  a point and a ding,    and there's a special prize for particularly  good answers, which is|    And today we are talking about Atomic Annie
    Oh!| Is it a terrible way to teach people how  to do resuscitation?
    “Now children, after the bombs fall,    “you may find that the person you’re resuscitating  has bad breath|”    Am I guessing it’s not an Atomic Ruj…
  res…|?
    Put your teeth in, try it one more time|    Resusci Anne
    No, it’s not|    Who is a real person
    - What?|  - Who is?
    Resusci Anne|    You know the thing you use when you’re doing  resuscitation practice, the face
    Oh, so you can walk down the street,  “oh, I recognise you from…| oh
”|    Well
 Let us cast our minds back to 18th,  no, I think it must be 19th Century Paris|    Or early 20th Century Paris, whatever…
    Pick a decade, any decade!|    Who noticed she had that weird click when you  pressed her chest, and what were they doing?
    You know she was a dead body  pulled out the Seine, right?|    No, no!
    Yeah, the Resusci Annie is based on an unidentified  corpse that was pulled out of the Seine    and they cast the face|    This is where it gets grim, the person who  did the autopsy…
 something like the…|    Yeah, because before that it was bucket of  f***ing laughs!
    No, this is just a Thursday night in Paris  so far|    They pulled the body out and whoever was doing  the autopsy thought she was so beautiful,    they made a cast of her face and that is the  face that is used on the Resusci Anne dolls
    I’m not giving you any points because it’s  not even remotely related to the subject,    but you are entirely right|    By a process of elimination we know what it  isn’t, though, eh, Sherlock?
    It’s like someone came along and went,  “Now that’s a fit corpse|”    Yeah!
    No| No
    My God, when you put it that way, yes, yes…|    It again raises the question  of the clicking noise
    You are absolutely right|    A young woman whose death mask because a fixture  on the walls of artist’s homes
    Urgh|    Yeah
 Don’t do that|    Is it in the testing sites?
    Is it the fridge that Indiana Jones went in?|    No, that’s Atomic Smeg which raises more  questions, yet again
    It is certainly military hardware, but you’re  not close enough to get a point here|    Is it when they tried to power a plane with  a nuclear reactor in the 50s?
    Ooh, no|    Damn it!
    - Oh s***!| Really?
  - What was that, I haven’t got…|?
    It was when atomic power was The Way of The Future  and Would Harm No One!|    Erm, did you not see what we just did, guys?
    Anyway, they were building nuclear reactors  down to, I presume, like the size of this stage    and they put in a, well, it must have been  a B29, because it was a prop…|    It was a B36 according to this
    I’m sorry, it must have been a B36|    Cut that
    Anyway, they made a nuclear powered aeroplane,    and I don’t think it worked ’cos they’ve  stopped doing it|    Ain’t that an episode of Thunderbirds?
    They never actually connected the engines  to the propeller|    Now that’s where they went wrong
    That would be why it didn’t work!|    That would be why it didn’t work, I’m  not a scientist, but I--    “I've turned both bits on, it’s not going  anywhere!
”    Some dude stood in the middle of the plane  going, “Huh, huh?|”    Have a go…
    “Oh no, metric and imperial!|”    If there’s one thing that too much  science fiction has taught me,    it's that going like that immediately results  in a load of sparks    and you’re going, “Argh”!
    Yes, but it might have taken off!|    Yes, but you’re fine after it!
  You’ve saved something|    No
    We've not got off the blocks!| This is the  longest we’ve ever been stuck with nowhere
    Is it a Blondie album?|    Oh f***
    It’s an atomic something  and it’s ground-based ordinance here|    Cannon!
    Point| You are absolutely right
    Ground-based ordinance| Cannon…
    Trebuchet…|    Atomic trebuchet!
 Bloody hell, you could!|    Are you firing atomic things, or is this just  a massive atomic powered structure?
    It’s an atomic powered thing that fires…|  Atomic Kitten
    That would go for…| miles?
 I don’t know|    But only when the tide is high
    Atomic Kitten songs…|    ’Cos if you’re going to fire at it something,  it’ll make a hole again
    And cause an eternal flame|    Chris, Chris, it’s okay, it’s okay
    It's Okay is another| Atomic
    I can’t believe that’s the third time  I’ve done the walk out|    So the atomic cannon, then?
    Yes, an atomic cannon developed about when?|    50s
    Tuesday!|    Wednesday, in the 50s
    Yes, have a point, early 1950s, I’m giving  Matt the point there|    At the beginning of the Cold War
    Well, of course it was 50s if it was atomic|    They developed for three years, the idea being    to make a cannon  that would fire a small nuclear device
    That’s ballsy|    How did they get it around?
    Train!|    How big was this thing?
    Very|    Train
 Very|    Ding
 Quicker…|    Correction
 Two trains!|    Bigger!
    I’m giving you a point for big, and I’m  giving you a point for two|    It was two tractors, but it required two extra-long  fire trucks to move the thing
    - Okay|  - Ooh
    It is an 84 tonne gun|    Did it need to be that big?
    Yes!| If you’re firing atomic weapons,    you want it far enough away that  the blast wave doesn’t get you,    which means it needs to be a-big,  as previously mentioned
    Yes, you are absolutely right|  What was its effective firing range?
    Far!|    Somewhere in three digits of miles
  Price is Right rules!|    Six
    Miles?|    I haven’t specified a unit
    I will say 200 miles, Price is Right, go…|    Six miles
    A furlong|    That’s not very far
    It might have been a failure, it came out  the top and just went “plunk”|    Which is not great for an atomic device, but  no, about 20 miles, so have a point
    And they did actually fire this|  Where did they fire this?
    In the desert|    I’ll give you a point for the desert, the  Nevada test site
    Yes, that one that you can still go to, weirdly,  on a day trip|    It’s a bit far
    They do…|    Not from here, unless you’re going by nuclear  cannon, obviously
    Did Bach ever write an atomic canon?|    Did what?
 Oh, for God’s sake|    That’s a hell of an organ
    That’s right, it’s the classical music  gags, everybody!|    The test was successful, they made 20 of the  cannons
 They cost|    What, 20?
    What were they planning on doing in the  50s with 20 cannons?|!
    Shooting the Russians, remember?|    Miles away!
    No, no in all fairness…|    Have a point
    How big is the land gap  between the US and Russia?|    Drive to an empty bit of Alaska and shell  an empty bit of Russia and just go pfft!
    Can I just use three words:    moral f***ing victory!|    What you’ve invented there, Gary, is a really  bad intercontinental ballistic missile
    Well this is, isn’t it, basically?|    Yes, but it wasn’t just Europe and Russia  it was deployed to,    where else would they have sent it to?
    Did they send it to Korea to s*** them up?|    Yes they did
 What were some of the problems  with this?|    Didn’t work
    It did work|    It got all leaves in it
    Everything that was carrying it went backwards  faster than the thing went forwards|    When they got there it wasn’t really all  that useful, why not?
    Because the Russians had invented an atomic  super cannon|    Yes, it’s called an  intercontinental ballistic missile
    As we scientists call it|    Yes, you’re absolutely right, better things  had been invented
    So, while they still had it and it was still  a prestige weapon    they didn’t ever actually fire it|    In the end they realised they could just make  atomic shells for what?
    Beaches|    Any artillery piece in the inventory
    Exactly right| They didn’t need the cannon,    they could just build a bigger regular cannon  and put a nuclear shell in it
    There was something else here called  the Davy Crockett weapon system|    This was an attempt to put a nuclear device  in another bit of weaponry,    what might this have been?
    A firework!|    Oh, we’re not back to wedging things in  cats, are we?
    A sword!|    “Drive me closer!
 I want to hit them with  my nuclear sword!|”    How would that even work?
    You perch it on the end like…|    The Davy Crockett weapon system!
    Musket!|    Bullets
    You know what you’re closer,  it was a recoilless rifle|    So essentially a rocket launcher with  a nuclear bomb on the end of it
    And it didn’t have any recoil?|    Recoilless rifle essentially means  the back end is open,    so you’re basically putting a hollow tube up  and the exhaust gases come out the back
    A hollow tuba?|    They’re all hollow
 That’s how they work|  If they weren't hollow, you'd just
    Oh, yeah!|    Solid tuba!
    Do you want to do the gesture?|  We’ve all done it once
    Come on, get in on this|    What were some of the problems with this,    with a shoulder mounted rocket  launcher nuclear weapon?
    You had to carry the ammunition!|    And it’s right next to your head
    That didn’t have the range to get you out  of blast distance|    And that’s the big one, yes
    Who the f*** is going to fire it?|!
    “So this is fine, yeah?|” “Yeah
”    “It’s glowing, you know that don’t you?|”  “Yes, yes, it’s all cool
”    “If this hits that guy am I dead as well?|”    “Yeah
” “Fuck you|”    Just drop it
 Just drop it!|    In fact, far worse, he dies instantly, you  get a slow lingering death
    Yes| That’s the other problem
    Instantly lethal within 150 metres of where  it hits,    fatal dose within a quarter mile of landing|    Just drop it
    Just leg it!|    Also, what couldn’t you do to the bomb after  you fired it?
    Pick it up|    Hug it
    Juggle it|    Use it again
    Paint a watercolour|    I said “fired”, not landed
    It’s not like you’re going to abort it,  it explodes with a nuclear bomb…|    If it’s going to get you anyway,  it’s going to get you sooner if you abort it
    There wasn’t an abort option,  that was the problem|    No, it’s a nuclear bomb!
  You’ve already fired it!|    But that’s not what sets off a nuclear bomb
    - Yes|  - That’s true that
    You fire it or you drop it or whatever, and  then the timer sets it off|    Because nuclear bombs have  accidentally fallen out, haven't they,    and gone off but not exploded,    because there’s one
 is there one off the  coast of Spain, or something like that?|    Oh, don’t look up “list of nuclear accidents”  on Wikipedia
    Yeah, it’s terrifying|    Seriously
    There’s certainly one off the waters of,  I think it’s Georgia in the US?|    So yeah, have a point
    But you don’t want to turn the timer off,    because then you’ve given it to them and  they’re just going to throw it back to you|    In the post!
    Oh that’s a good point|  Did you just say in the post?
    Well, you just set the timer  a little bit longer!|    You just wind it up!
    You address it in a big box that looks like  a birthday cake| You put it in the mail
    Why would you have a box that looks like a  birthday cake?|    Because that box that  looks like a birthday cake    is in a bigger box that looks like the kind  of box a birthday cake might come in
    Oh, that’s me told!|    Inception boxing!
    Are you a spy, and you haven’t told us?|    Alright, and then you address it to    “Head of FBI, the Pentagon
  Happy birthday|”    and then like your mum always does on birthday  cards,    “Do not open until…
”    And he’ll go, “Oh, for my birthday, it’s  in a few weeks|”    Puts it in the corner of his office,  opens it up, a cake!
    Cuts into the cake,    and that’s when your timer goes off|    Don’t you get it so the bomb pops out of  the cake and goes, “Happy Birthday, Mr President…
”    An atomic Marilyn Monroe!|    Talk about a blonde bombshell
    Really?| Really?
    Yes, that’s your one for the season,  let 'em clap|    Tom, that’s a beautiful shot
    No, to be fair that was you bowling it  straight down the middle of the crease    and we’re just going, “oh, this is easy|”    You met it well
 I'll give it…|    Ha, crease…
    Meanwhile, in Britain|    There is a somewhat related  slightly ridiculous weapon project here
    Oh, as opposed to where we’ve been  perfectly sensible up to now|    Yes, and it’s called Blue Peacock
    This was a British attempt to create a tactical  nuclear weapon|    They were going to put nuclear mines in Germany
    S***!|    What’s the problem with burying something  like that, that's electronic
    - You don’t know where the f*** you’ve put it!|  - You don’t know where it is
    That is one problem, yes|    One problem with that is that during the winter  it gets very cold,    the electronics don’t work
    How do you keep something like that underground  warm?| What was the plan?
    Thermos flask|    Sending sheep out to wee on it
    I’m never going camping with you, ever|    This only needed to last a week or so
 So  how do you keep that warm for a week?|    Oil fire
    Blankets|    No, it’s something that is going to generate  its own heat for a while
    A cat|    You are very close
    Oh God|    Cows
    A bit big to bury there with a nuclear mine|    They buried animals with the things?
    The plan was to bury a chicken|  So I’m going to give you the point
    F***ing hell!|    Who goes, “okay, we’ve got this bomb,  this high tech nuclear thing…
”    Yep, we need to keep it warm|    “What we need to is we put it  underground and we need to keep it warm,    “what do we need to put it on?
    “Chickens!|”    No, Jeff, Jeff,  we can come up with a better solution
    - “Chickens!|”  - “Chickens
”    Hang on here, are we talking a box here with  a live chicken in it,    and an egg-sized nuclear weapon so that the  chicken just gives it this number    until the timer goes off|    That sounds like it would work
    Yeah, that was the plan,  it never actually happened|    Isn’t it a motion detection bomb and you’re  putting a chicken,    one of the flappiest animals…
|    It doesn’t detect itself
    So how do you set it off,  do you step on the chicken?|    Well it’s a mine, right,  so you make your box,    you put your chicken in the box
    Oh, the chicken’s in the mine?|    Yes
    You put your chicken in the box, you put your  pressure pad on top,    or whatever and then you put your…|    Right so you’ve got this really, really  high tech thing    and then you put a chicken inside it,    because that’s what is going to make this  high-tech thing better!
    Yes, because it will keep it at a working  temperature    without needing to plug anything into it or  keep it running|    I sometimes have problems starting my car  in the winter,    shall I put a f***ing chicken in the engine?
    No, just get a normal chicken, the f***ing  ones are too distracted|    Can you imagine the--    Warm, cold, warm, cold, warm, cold
    NATO's retreated that-a-way, right|    You approach what is
 you won’t even signpost  it as a minefield would you, like today|    You would  just probably see the field
    “Chicken farm|”    And suddenly…
    “Free eggs, please come in…|”
    In Russian|    It says it in English but with “in Russian”  in brackets underneath
    But you approach this mysteriously  newly dug field,    that has nothing on it apart from the sound  of clucking from beneath|    Well let’s face it, it works doubly then    because you f***ing wouldn’t follow them  over that field!
    “What the s*** is going on here?|”  You'd go back to
    “What is it?|” “A field of ghost chickens
”    At which point, one of the chickens has pecked  his way out    and suddenly from beneath the soil,  a chicken’s head just pops out|    No, no, it’s got to do Night of the Living  Dead, it’s got to be the right wing
    Ohh!|    Suddenly irradiated chickens start popping  out of the ground all over,    and that’s before the bomb’s gone off!
    Proposed, seconded, get ’em built…|    Can I just say, Suddenly Irradiated Chicken  is the name of my new prog band,    for reals this time
    I like you have The Cluck from Below  like it’s a horror film|    The Cluck from Below!
    “New from M| Night Showaddywaddy:  The Cluck from Below
”    Many animals were harmed in the making of  this movie|    So at the end of the show,  congratulations Matt, you win this week
    Woo!| Yay
    Congratulations| You win a rope  that keeps out vultures    owned by the star of Gavin and Stacey and  the Late, Late Show
    It’s James Corden’s Condor Cordon|    So do enjoy that
    Until then we say thank you to Chris Joel,    to Gary Brannan,    to Matt Gray|    Bye, bye
    I’ve been Tom Scott,  we’ll see you next time|  Why might it have been called Sergeant Reckless?
    Did it s*** like a mister?|    
no|    That would be rather reckless
    |no, it didn't
 No|    What, like a hippo spray?
 That kind of thing?|    Oh, don't — I've seen that
    If you've never seen a hippo s***,    make your way to your nearest zoo and see a hippo s***|    I'm sorry, it is well worth —    Basically, a hippo -- going back to our word of the day, which is 'helical' --    has effectively got a propellor on its arse
    Yes|    And will just kind of go  [flatulent noise]    
like that|    I've only been to a zoo once in my life
    Did it end with you kind of taking your glasses off,    and there being a perfectly glasses-shaped piece not covered in s***?|    No, fortunately I was out of the splash zone
    Other people were *not* out of the splash zone|    But you were solidly in the guff zone
    It basically backed itself up against a window|    Beep
 beep| beep
    No, no, no: thpppt| thppt
 thppt|    Yep
    'Hippo reversing|'    Can you imagine being the bloke — we were talking about jobs like the army and whatever else —    can you imagine being the fellow at the zoo    whose job is to go in with the squeegee and the bucket to clean the s*** off the hippo window?
    Whatever your job is at home, you're sat there going, 'God, I hate doing this|'    Just imagine being the fellow in the gumboots and smock    that has to walk into the hippo enclosure three times a day and go,    [Squeegee noises]    There you go
 There's two elements:    One, you're dealing with a load of hippo s***|    Two, whatever you do, your work is only gonna bring joy to people    for a maximum of about an hour and a half    before that ungrateful bastard in the pen does it all over again
    What is it, two minutes and we've already got to s***?|    Yeah
 Yeah|    You're the one that brought in misted s***!
    You are — I don't know where that came from|    I don't know why that suddenly appeared, but that was all on you
    Well, I say, 'all on you'|    Atomized feculence, that's what you brought to the table
    That's a prog rock band if ever there was one|    First album: #1
    Joining me today, he reads books you know,  it's Chris Joel!|    Hello!
    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan!|    Ultra-pure
    Silver plated|    And available from Lidl
    Is that just you?| Are you just describing  yourself there?
    I don't want to know which bit's silver-plated!|    And the bounciest man on the internet,  Matt Gray!
    Putting the butt into butter|    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia,  and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a  ding [DING]    and there's a special prize for particularly  good answers, which is|    And today we are talking about BackpackersXpress
    Vwhoomph!|    Oh, it would be doing that, yes
    Is it named because you can avoid them?|    Literally the opposite
    Named so you can find them!|    You're obliged to touch them!
 All the time  on the journey|    "Welcome to the Backpackers' Express!
    "Sit on a backpacker's lap!| Have him feel  you up from behind!
"    You are actually slightly closer than you  may think there,    so I'm actually going to give you a point|  [DING]    So is this just a dating site for backpackers?
    No, definitely not a dating site|    Definitely a form of transport
    Is it a bus?|    No
    Is it two buses?|    No
    Is it a train?|    No!
    Is it a tuk-tuk?|    You're all thinking a bit too small and too  short-haul here
    Is it a gigantic camel?|    Is it the overnight flight from Europe to
  eastern| climes?
    Yeah, I'll give you a point| [DING] It was  the idea of doing    that sort of flight for backpackers
    It's the "gap yah" trip|    It is the "gap yah" trip
 Yes|    So would there be hold luggage  or no hold luggage?
    -- Well, this|  -- No holds barred!
    Wrestling in mid-air!|    Just to be clear, this is not just the name  of a flight,    this was going to be an airline
    Oh, that'll be the s***iest most run-down  plane you've ever seen    twanging up to the  edge of the runway, won't it?|    All painted up on the side
    -- Old DC-3 done in graffiti!|  -- Yeah!
    They will have come up  with this idea before 2006|    Right, so Gary's getting a point for 'old  planes' [DING]    they were going to sub-lease them,    and you're definitely getting a point for  '06 [DING], it was 2003
    Why do you think that?|    Because it was about 2006-2008 where all of  the airlines went dead,    because no-one had any money
    Yes, that's pretty much right| In fact, you're  going to have a point,    the answer was it closed down in 2005
    Is this the kind of airline where your seat  allocation would say 'rear gunner',    that kind of thing?|    It was going to be Boeing 747s, they were  actually going that far
    -- Okay, okay|  -- Ooh!
    What would you want if you were a backpacker  on an airplane?|    Really, really, really cheap
    Yes| [DING]    Yes
 Two ticket types: in and out!|    What's out?
 Strap them to the wing?|    Really, really intense!
    Strapping you to the wing with duct tape?|    To be fair, wing walking is a thing, but I  think it's normally
    Twelve hour wing walk!|    It's not on a jet engine, is what I'm saying!
    First-come, first-serve| Just a big space,  rip all the seats out,    pile 'em in, have it on a  weight thing, it's like,    "right, we are now full,  you're on the next one
 Go!|"    Big pile of backpackers, even in the hold
    Yeah, I'm guessing it's no-frills, bring your  own food, kinda stuff|    See, that's not
 I'm going to give Chris  the point [DING],    it was certainly cheap, pack-'em-in, put  'em all together,    essentially a bus|    -- Like an Air-bus(!
)  -- If only!|    There were some other things  they were thinking of,    and it wasn't that kind of  no-frills, bring-your-own-food
    Oh no| It is tedious things that people
    I'm going to insult people who go backpacking  now, brace yourselves|    It it things that tedious people who might've  gone backpacking might enjoy,    so like crafts and things like that?
    Hemp seating!|    Yeah
 Opportunities to exchange long stories  about just how ethnic you got    when you were out there  and off the tourist trail you went|    Y'all have some very nice stereotypes of backpackers
    -- I'm right!|  -- I'm going to give you a point  [DING] for stereotypes of backpackers
    No, you've got the good side of backpackers|    Don't go through customs?
|    Oh-oh!
 Yeah|    Erm, it's certainly something to do with what  you get duty free there
    Smuggling anything you want?|    "We're still three miles out, get down the  rest of your joint,    "this is your captain speaking
"    -- Oh, is it free booze?|  -- Oh, that's a point!
    It's not free booze,  but I'll give you the point [DING]    it was having a small pub on board| The airline  was going to have an official
    Brewery!|    Brewery!
 Spot on!| [DING] Not even
 I thought  you were going to go for beer,    but brewery was exactly right, have a point|    Well, 747-400s when they first came in, the  top deck was
    -- It was a cocktail bar, wasn't it?|  -- A cocktail bar, yeah!
    It was the kind of place that people like  David Frost    would lounge about and philander in mid-air|    Mid-air philanderer!
    That's a fair point!| What are -- you know  you've got, like, international waters?
    Where once you get outside| is  it a five-mile limit or something?
    -- It's three miles|  -- Three mile limit
    You can do whatever thou wilst, 'cos you're  in international waters,    right, hence pirate radio| What are the laws  when you're in the air?
    Well, the three-mile coastal waters thing is how  far you could hit someone with a big ol' cannon|    -- Right
  -- From back in the day|    So if you extrapolate that you end up with  all sorts of worrying things    like ground-to-air missiles!
    So I can answer this| It's the 1944 Convention  on International Civil Aviation:    "all aircraft have the nationality of the  state in which they are registered"
    -- Aha|  -- So if you're on a US flag-carrying  plane, you can't drink under 21
    -- Ah, okay!|  -- If you're an Australian one, you can't drink
    I thought births were registered over the  country that you're over?|    If you have a birth outside,  in international waters,    your birth location is listed as "at sea"
    -- Yes it is|  -- Nice
    And if you're on a plane, it can be listed  as "in the air"|    Those are valid entries on birth certificates
    I have seen a baptism entry, 1780s I think,    where the place of birth was given  as the lat and long|    -- Wow!
  -- That's cool|    -- The child was called Atlantica
  -- That's nice| That's nice
    And we checked the lat and long and it did  come roughly in the middle of the Atlantic|    BackpackersXpress was going to be an airline  with a pub on board    where backpackers would get cheap tickets  and go over    and presumably anyone not wanting to be associated  with a load of backpackers
    Would get a different flight!|    -- Go on a different airline, yeah!
  -- Different flight, yes|    The air crew would encourage  passengers to socialise
    -- Oh, f*** off!|  -- Oh, f*** off!
    Spot the British people!|    -- No way, no
  -- Gotta love a bit of enforced fun|    Oh no, they'd have getting-to-know-you games  while you were on the tarmac, wouldn't they?
    I've done a bus| when I was lot younger,    I did that backpackers' bus through the  Australian Outback, and it's horrible
    Oh, f*** off!| Honestly!
    Did you have top bants(?|)    No!
 No, I didn't|    -- They didn't exist back then!
  -- That's fair|    You were yet to become the Archbishop of Banterbury  that you would later be!
    God, it's like| the bus driver playing music  over the thing and saying,    "right, well these are the actions  you should do!
"    These are the actions you're f***ing doing!|    These are the actions
 there we go!|    How long would that flight be?
 It'd be a good  eight, nine hours, wouldn't it?|    -- Eternity!
  -- But it would feel like you  were there forever| Just people
    And it's a 24-hour flight from London anyway!|    I would go on that airline only if there was  a dedicated misanthropes' cabin at the front
    That| that
 that's generally called first  class on most airlines, Gary|    But on this one, not so much
    No, I'd be quite happy with access to the  pub and everything else,    as long as I didn't have  to talk to anyone else!|    Again, that is first class
 You're literally  describing first class there|    The beds on airplanes I'm most interested  in are the crew ones
    It depends on the plane but a lot of them  are right in the nose,    directly below the flight deck|    Yep
 And if you're on an A380, they have two  and a half decks|    There is another half deck up in the very  top of the plane,    with half-height
 you can crawl in  and get sleep there|    I want that one!
 I'd be fine with that!|    No you wouldn't, 'cos you're  going to be down there,    and then you're going to get up and whack  your head on the thing
    Yeah, but I'm not with them  f***ing backpackers, am I?|!
    That's| not unreasonable!
    So what you're advocating actually is that  you'll sleep in the wheel well if necessary?|    Yeah!
 I'm not with them!|    That's not
 I think previous news incidents  have declared    that is not a good place to sleep!|    That is a good place to freeze, die, and fall  out into someone's back yard
    I'm not with them, am I though?|!
    Backpackers| Freezing to death
 Back|    Everybody round this table is going, "you  know what, that is a bit of a tough choice"
    So what did some of the industry experts,    looking at this airline's plans,  what did they say?|    "It's just going to be a tin can  full of arseholes at 30,000 feet
"    Yes| What was the media term for "tin full  of arseholes at 30,000 feet"?
    Sounds like he's nailed it to me, to be fair!|    If you can define it better,  I'd love to hear it!
    Get angry in a car, what do you call it?|    Road rage!
    What do you call it in a plane?|    -- Air rage!
  -- Air rage| Have a point [DING]    -- Creative!
  -- Yes|    "Disruptive or violent behaviour perpetrated  on an aircraft
"    I actually have the first case  of air rage here,    and I'll give you a point if you can roughly  guess the year|    Is it ridiculously early?
 Is it like 1915  when two pilots have a dust-up in mid-air?|    I was going to say, I seem to remember this  chap called the Red Baron    upset quite a lot of people
    Not between planes,  I mean like gunner and pilot|    No, it has to be on a passenger plane
    -- Sixties|  -- 1920s
    Yeah| That's going to be closest
 Stuff like  the little twin engine De Havilland,    when there's just 16 people getting high on|    Going between London and Paris,  stuff like that
    Getting hammered on marg| not margaritas,  what's the phrase I'm looking for?
 Martinis|    -- Yeah
  -- So when are you saying?|    Ah, 30s
 De Havilland|    1938, Neville Chamberlain's  flight back from Germany
    You said 30s first, I'm going to give it you|  It was actually the 40s,    1947, on a flight from Havana to Miami
 [DING]    It was simply a drunk man assaulting a passenger  and biting a flight attendant|    Bite attendant!
    Ahh!| I'm sure that person  appreciated the gag,    as you stood there with your martini behind
    -- "I think you'll find|!
"  -- "Bite attendant!|"    "This isn't helping!
"    Which led to the second incident of air rage!|    Which is a flight attendant glassing someone!
    That whole plane lands  full of fight-injured people!|    Well, this goes back to  something we said earlier,    because they didn't know  whose jurisdiction it was in,    no-one at the landing area  really wanted to prosecute,    and they frequently  got away with it
    And it eventually came to be that the laws  of the country    where the aircraft was registered take precedence|    Has the thing happened with planes like has  happened with boats,    where they're registered in tax havens?
    That's a fair point, I was wondering that  myself just then|    It's difficult to do that for most airlines,    because they want to be the flag carrier,    and they want to be registered in a
    British Airways wants to be  registered in the UK|    There are still a lot of  national flag carriers up there
    So if I wanted to have a mid-air fight club  with no repercussions|?
    -- Aeroflot|  -- I was going to say, what is  the best country to register my plane?
    Air Astana!|    Yeah!
 Like, Cayman Islands  or something like that?|    That's if you want to avoid tax
 If you want  to avoid being punished for hitting someone,    I think there are very few jurisdictions  which simultaneously    don't have a law against that  and can register a plane!|    I'm going to say this; somewhere out there,  there's some rich bloke    who's investigating that right now
    That's true| "What can we do in international  waters?
 Oh, I don't know!|"    Oh, I could break a really good  superinjunction right now,    but I'm not going to
 I really could|    You could, but I'd have to edit it out anyway
    Well,    Er, so BackpackersXpress never actually got  to that point!|    -- Good
  -- They never actually managed to  lease any aircraft|    Wow, that's the first  stumbling block, isn't it?
    They never even really got enough funding|  What did the industry think of them?
    -- There were just massive arseholes!|  -- Not much!
    The Times phrased it as "it seems doubtful  to any sane observer    "whether the project will ever  get off the ground|"    I didn't realise, as I read that, that was  literal and metaphorical
    And that is a joke from the Times of London!|    And that the 'party in the sky' was,  and I'm quoting directly here, a "radical move"
    -- Not in the 90s "radical" sense, just in|  -- No!
    And I think as the Times goes|    -- It's like saying "well that's brave"
  - Yes|    I've just realised: is this the Venga Plane?
    This is actually Venga Airways, isn't it?|!
    It bloody is!|    -- Sorry!
  -- Oh, we like to party!|    You've just remembered the songs, haven't  you?
 It's in there|    No, fortunately I don't know the words!
    So are they doing a  New York to San Francisco run?|    -- There we go!
 That was the Vengabus|  -- That was the bus
    That was the bus| No, the plane  was going to Ibiza
 The plane always|    -- Oh, god, now I remember!
  -- Yes, you're quite right!|    It was going to Ibiza
    No matter the mode of transport, it's always  an Intercity Disco|    No, wait, no that was the train
    No, that was the bus!|  That was definitely the bus!
    -- Yes, but Intercity's a type of train|  -- Okay
    You are no longer welcome in my house|  Get out!
    Some trains did use to have a disco carriage|    -- I'm not joking
  -- In the 70s?|    -- Yes!
 In the 70s|  -- What?
!|    In the 70s, some special trains, especially  Football Special trains,    BR would put on a
    This is the train for all the football supporters,    so that the commuters weren't  bothered by the football supporters|    Just a sec!
 This is the BackpackersXpress  but for footballers on trains?|    It's for, basically, if you're going  somewhere for a match,    you would charter a whole Football Special  train, that is s***ty old carriages,    so everyone's corralled in one place, the  police know when you arrive,    but on the back of it they would put an empty  freight car, effectively,    with a disco in it!
  And you'd have the disco carriage|    They used to have a pub carriage  on the Southern
    -- Blimey!|  -- They put a carriage, and they'd  fitted out inside like a country pub!
    -- Fantastic|  -- But it had no windows, that was the problem,    -- because they'd put pub seating in
  -- It's a shipping container!|    They'd put seating down the side, so you had  no idea where you were    when the pub
 when the train stopped!|    Also, do you really want that many drunk people    who can't see outside on a swaying train?
    It was for commuters!| It was for people going  home on a Friday night,    they'd put the pub carriage on
    Oh, that's belting!|    There is no better way to guarantee you'll  end up at the terminus by accident
    I know!| But it was proper country pub, dimpled  pint glasses, hand-pulled booze, the lot
    -- Fantastic!| -- Great idea
    That's actually not a bad plan|  I mean, it's now a bad plan,    because you can't fit that many people in  there, and
    I don't know, if you make it obviously a civilised,    you are going to have one dimpled pint,  kind of real ale pub,    it probably polices itself!|    -- Copper-topped tables, yeah!
  -- Fireplace!|    -- Fireplace?
!|  -- Yeah!
 I think it had a fireplace!|    I'm not joking
 It's a steam train|    I was going to say, let's face it, if it's  fired by steam,    it's not the least likely thing you could  put on there
    Yeah!| It's already got a big fire  at the front of it,    stick a little one in the middle, it's fine!
    Hey, great way to get it lit as well!|    Shovel the coals straight from the firebox!
    It's true, that's how travel used to be, kids|    Is it the end of the sliding scale, though?
    So you have the dining car, then there'll  be like a snacking car,    then they'll have a soft drinks car,  then you've got the pub car,    and then you've got the  club at the end of the night car|    Imagine that!
 Roll out off the end  of the club car    into the kebab van car at the back!|    Which is just a trailer being dragged along
    "Salad and sauce?|!
"    But it's a steam-powered  rotatey-thing for the|    "Chuck some more coals in!
" "Fine!|"    Thing is, it's not actually  cooking the meat with coals,    that's just providing the power for the  electric grill that's rotating the meat
    That's a great idea|  Oh, come on BR, make it happen
    BR!| There hasn't been BR for years!
    Congratulations Chris, you win this one!|    Fantastic!
    Congratulations, today's prize is French|    -- Oh aye?
  -- Oui oui!|    You win chocolate icing  in the shape of a cow
    It's la vache ganache|    You nearly got there in time on  that one Matt, well done
    With that we say thank you to Chris Joel,    Gary Brannan,    -- Matt Gray|  -- Goodbye, YouTube
    I've been Tom Scott, we'll see you next time|    [Translating these subtitles?
 Add your name here!|]  -Hi, I'm Matt
  -And I'm Tom|    -And this is the Park Bench
  -Yes!|    [both simultaneously]  -And we're still in this studio kinda street thing  -Weird youtube hybrid, yes
    -It's very pretty in person|  -It is
    -It's bloody ugly on camera|  -I don't know what it looks like on camera,    the camera is over there
    They can see, I can't see    It's not like we have a camera operator over there, is it?|    Ah well, that spiralled already
  -I got vicious|    Oh ok, looked at your watch trying to see how much time's elapsed
 You didn't look at it at the bloody start!|    Ahem
    -So, we're still in my week of early shifts    so I'm not really with it but let's see    if I can start a conversation|  -Are you with it?
    -No I'm not| Uhm
    Coming out, as a YouTuber|    -I'm not clickbaiting this title with "coming out",    I'm not doing that    -No, that would be wrong
    Let's clickbait it with something else, then everyone'll be really disappointed    Recently, a lot more of my colleagues at work at my day job have found out that I am a Youtuber|    -Are you though?
 Do we count as that?|    -Now the reason I'm reasonably sure I counts as that now,    apart from the fact we're sat here in YouTube filming a thing,    which is a reasonable reason,    is:    It's got to that part of the year again where I'm getting recognized in public
    -Wait, do you like molt or something like |    do you have winter plumage that camouflages you?
    -I'm thinking it's a summer winter thing|    -Right
    -If it's winter people are outside less and it's dark so it's harder to see who's coming towards you|    -That's fair, I guess you're kind of bundled up with coat and hood and everything    Yeah, I've got a hoodie on so I haven't got 
 I'm not quite as obvious|    -Annnd 
 School holidays at the moment| -Yeah, ok
    -There's a lot more school holidays in summer    -Yeah|    -So what's happened a few times recently is I've been out and about with a radio show 
    -Yep|  -
 carrying a load of kit to a place to do a broadcast from a place|    -Yes
  -On the way I have been spotted    and one of you lovely people have come up and said "Hello"|    -Now let's be honest, Matt is not the least camouflaged of people    -I have the big hair, I have the big stature and I'm generally carrying some kind of big antenna    -Yes
  -Uhm|    -I'm gonna sidetrack us briefly
  -Yeah, go for it|    I once had to carry a big television antenna through campus back at York 
    -Ok|  -
 and I actually got to use the joke | Someone came up to me and said:    "Tom, where are you going with that?
"    And so I said: "I've just been to a wedding,    ceremony was terrible, but the reception was excellent!|"    And I just walked off, and I just    five seconds later heard this just shout of profanity directed at me from behind
    That is the joke equivalent of walking away from an explosion |    -Yeah!
  -|without turning around
    -Yes, it was!|    -I wanna go into a room now, do a pun and then walk out, and then half an hour later they'll realize    You were recognized, you were carrying big equipment
    -So, we said hi, got a selfie, carried on|    Then the two people I was with went: "What 
 just happened?|"    -Mhm
  -And |    I explained
 I said I'm a YouTuber, sorry|    That happens every so often now    Now, in the past 
  -Yeah|    -
 the reaction was normally on the end of: "Oh, you do that kind of thing|"    And now it's a: "Oh, are you famous?
"    It seems to have switched from a small-time thing to a big-time thing|    -Yeah, in the public 
  -| the public perspective, the public perception    appears to have shifted
  -Particularly in your industry|    -Yeah, in media as well it's being regarded as a big thing
  -Yes, which is strange    because being recognized is still strange for both of us|    Hello to the person at Cologne Airport, Flo I think his name was, who came up and said hi yesterday    and then we awkwardly sat in the same gate departure lounge while just kinda    on our own computers just going: "Ha, yeah
 Hi|"    Cause, like, the first minute it's fine and then it's:    "I need to carry on with work here
"    When I was working in a broadcast from a school yesterday    and a couple of people of the kids were giving us: "Are you the guy from Tom's videos?|"    -Yeah, cause being recognized is still really strange
    -Yeah    -Like, it real life and the internet colliding is an odd thing and always has been|    And I'm old enough to remember when those were two very separate things
    -Yeah|  -And never the twain shall meet
    -I don't mind it|  -No!
    -As we've said before, I'd much rather it if you do recognize me, rather than just ogling    then come up and say "Hi!|", if you want a selfie just ask to for one and then 
    less awkward for everyone involved|    -Yeah,  it's best if you don't suddenly shout our names out of nowhere across    because I kind of assume that I'm about to be served papers or something
    Like, I just assume that's bad news|    -But the thing I find weird is I work with radio personalities
  -Yeah|    I've been with radio personalities before and I've been the one that's recognized
    -Because |  -No one knows what a radio personality looks like half the time,    unless they've got a load of visual stuff
    -Yeah, and they're usually, and I remember this from being a kid, quite disappointing|    -Well if 
  -You hear these people with these    fantastic radio voices, particular where I was growing up, you you'd hear someone whose job,    I hope this doesn't burn out the mic but their job was to |    Really?
 I was gonna talk quite low|    They were going to talk like this very close to a microphone
 So you get all the resonance,    and then you see it's just some bloke who looks like he's down the shops| It's like yeah, that's not 
    -That's the thing with radio people when you're listening to them if they don't have    videos associated with them or if they haven't gone into radio from TV, then you picture them|    Maybe even continuity announcers
 The voice-over guy from X-Factor,    a lot of the time people won't have seen him but they'll have heard him every week|    And they'll have come up with what he looks like and then you see what he looks like    and it's not what you imagine, like, when people do film adaptations of books
    -Yeah|  -That's: "Oh, I imagined them, they would look completely different!
"    -You you will have noticed a slight white flash jump cut there because I told a story    that in hindsight | probably shouldn't have given people ideas about
    -So that thing you didn't hear him say cause we didn't include it don't do it|    -It's like the old "Don't stick beans up you nose
" thing, which |    -Why would you even have to tell someone that?
    -You don't, but if you tell someone "don't stick beans up your nose" | if you tell a little kid    "don't stick beans up your nose" now the idea is in there
    -That's the thing, I want to know why you shouldn't stick beans up your nose    -Right, yeah, don't stick beans up your nose that's good advice for life|    -There's probably a video of someone doing it, that might work
    Where were we?|  -We were talking about radio voices being recognized
    -Yes!| Uhm 
 Like, try and wrap this up somehow    People at work that I don't regularly hang out with/work with are now beginning to find out I do this|    -Yes
  -And it's weird when they're the people that are on air    and I'm the one is being said hi to|    -Yeah, because they're used to being the famous one, they're used to 
    -Well, not becessarily being recognized but it's just, you know, a funny |    -You're one of the techies
    And as for me, like that | there are a lot of of friends I know who just, like, 
    and I'm very comfortable with | they don't watch the videos
    It's just | it's a completely sep
 it's still: "Real life - the internet", cause to me the two are still    a little bit seperate|    -So hello to anyone that I work with, if you're watching this, I'll see you on Monday    [Outro Boom]    -Hi, I'm Matt
  -And I'm Tom|    -And this is 
 the chair being moved|    -Hi!
  -Hi!|    We're waiting for you to finish cause it's a bit distracting to be fair
  This is the Technical Difficulties, we're  playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today, he reads books you know,  it’s Chris Joel
    “I am Kermit the Frog, and tonight, Matthew,    “I’m going to be that little flat guy from  'Frogger'!|”    Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,  Gary Brannan
    “Covered in resin and  brimming with juicy seeds!|”    And the bounciest man on the internet,  Matt Gray
    Hello YouTube Studio 1!|    In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia,  and these folks can’t see it
    Every fact they get right is  a point and a ding|    I was too quick on the ding there, sorry
    Yep, so was I|    You’re always too quick on the ding, Gary(!
)    And there’s a special prize for particularly  good answers, which is:    I just conducted that in Waltz time|    Today, we are talking about Benjamin Rush
    Huh| Is that what happens when the shop of  Benjamins opened on Black Friday?
    Yes| There’s a Benjamin Rush
 Straight in|    Is it street slang for a drug?
  “I’ve got to get my Benjamin Rush on|”    People going round licking wax mannequins  of Ben Franklin
    That's why I’m banned from Madame Tussauds  now, obviously|    “Oh, Maggie
 Oh, Maggie!|”    You are surprisingly close with Benjamin Franklin,  though
    Was he a friend of his?|    I’ll give you a point, he was a  founding father of the United States
    Okay, that shows poor history on my part|    Well, to be fair there were  a lot of founding fathers
    I thought you were going to say there was  a lot of Benjamins|    Both
    Franklin| yeah
    - No, that’s two, Tom|  - That's two
    Counting two and saying "yes" doesn’t really  make my point|    So this is America  and it’s ancient history of America,    so I’m going to go 19
 20s|    And the wheel spins and lands on America
    Take that, the colonies!|    Benjamin Rush,  founding father of the United States
    Yep, and if this isn’t the most interesting  thing on that man’s bio|    It is definitely not the most interesting  thing on this man’s bio
    Was he in the band ‘Rush’?|    A: no, they’re much later,    and B: no, they’re Canadian
    Benjamin Rush was a physician|    Was he an utter quack and a charlatan?
    He was surprisingly  forward thinking for his time|    Amputations!
    Didn’t necessarily do them|  That'd be forward thinking
    He was Surgeon-General  in the continental army|    Oh, in an army, okay, fine
    Yes, you went for the  sarky salute there, but yes|    You were right, you gave the man  the due respect, yeah
    'Dew respect' is what you give wet grass on  a morning|    S***, I wondered where you were going with that
  Oh, my God|    First groan of the day!
    So surgeon general and innovative, in some|    I can’t get away from operations,  if it’s during the war
    There were some interesting prescriptions  given by this man|    Okay, laudanum?
    Why?|    Painkiller
    Really?|    Yes!
    I don’t f***ing know, but you believed it!|    He’s like, “Well I believe you!
”    Some kind of painkiller  or something like that, or antiseptic|    He gave supplies to a very famous expedition  after the revolution
    Now, I know your American history is not great|    I know bugger-all about America
    Do the words 'Lewis and Clark'  mean anything to you?|    Yes, that's
 Superman|    That was 'Lois and Clark', and that’s actually  why they called it that
    - Really?|  - F***ing hell!
    'Lois and Clark, the New Adventures of Superman'  was a Lewis and Clark pun|    So was this an expedition to Krypton?
    It was certainly an expedition to somewhere|    Was it a westward one?
    Yes, it was|    “Westwood!
”    Not Westwood!|    Two Americans set off and discover South London
    It was a westward expedition|  What were they hoping to find?
    The Pacific|    Yes, absolutely right!
    Yes, the Lewis and Clark expedition was trying  to find --    and successfully found --    a route through to the Pacific through American  territories|    Pimp My Horse And Cart
    It’s not the Westwood expedition!|    And that’s just the horse
    Yeah, if it does that,  don’t get behind it|    Wait until it stands up again!
    Wicked horse!|    Who here actually knows who Tim Westwood is?
    You underestimate them!|    For about half the audience,  that’s just lost
    That expedition obviously had a lot of supplies    to get through all the way  for months and months to the Pacific    and their doctor was Benjamin Rush    or at least their initial man who gave them  the supplies|    What sort of thing do you give  for a months-long expedition    through the wilderness in 1803?
    Opiates|    Absolutely spot on
    I was going to say imodium|    Now, we’ll get back to you  on there in a minute, Gary
    But I just want to point out that,    yes, Turkish opium, apparently|    Turkish!
    Not opiates, it’s Turkish opium, what was  that for?|    Making sure you have a lovely time, darling(!
)    You know what, I’m going to give you a point,  nervousness|    What, to incite it?
    “I don’t think we’re panicking enough    “about when we’re going to get there,  hand me the opium!|”    Why aren't all expeditions done on opiates?
  Strong opiates!|    Ranulph Fiennes, off his tits at  the North Pole, I’d gladly watch that
    Have you read any Hunter S Thompson?|    The International Space Station!
    “To Mars, on smack!|”    Do they rate their expedition by which drug  they’re using?
    “This feels more like an LSD trip to me,  but I don’t know|”    Trip!
 Trip!|    Only manage one orbit, then lose interest
    Turkish opium, absolutely right|    You mentioned a fairly obvious joke here for  something you’d give for it
    - Imodium!|  - Yes
    Did they have problems of the bum?|    "Their meat rich diet and lack of clean water  gave them cause to use…
"    Cork and a rubber mallet!|    It’s the phrase 'rubber mallet'  that got me
    Well, you’ll not get it in far enough  on your own|    Can't reach round, you need the leverage
    You’re not going to use wood, are you?|    You want that soft return on it
  |I would imagine
    And you’re not going to use  Timmy Mallett either, so|    [Timmy Mallett noise]    That’s one for the ’80s kids in the studio(!
)    I thought that was the noise if you forgot  to put the cork in|    They weren’t called 'Imodium', it was…
    'Ye Imodium|'    …
fifty dozen of Dr Rush’s Bilious Pills|    I’d still take those now,  they sound reassuringly competent
    "I’m off for a Bilious|"    They also had sort of a weather-ish name,    something that might cause a rumbling
    A 'Thunder Plunderer'|    I’m going to give you the point,  they were 'Thunder Clappers'
    I’m going to call them all that now anyway!|    A brace of Thunder Clappers, no less
    What did those contain?|    Because it won’t be senna, then,  or anything like that
    No, I mean, bear in mind…|    What bungs you up?
  There was a lady I used to know…|    It wasn’t necessarily designed  to bung you up
    Rush believed, as you would at the time,    in certain theories of medicine|  What might that…
    Purging and things like that|    Oh, humours!
    No, not humours| Surely not humours?
    A little bit late for humours,    but it was certainly bleeding  or anything like that|    So leeches?
    Stick a leech on your arse  and you get a colostomy bag!|    Oh, the poor leech!
    Two leeches in a pond,  one goes on the king’s wound,    the other one is going to be  stuck up your bum as a colostomy leech|    We’ve started plumbing depths  very quickly here, I’ll be honest
    It’s like the Human Centipede!| The Leech
  Sorry|    It does say here:  "Even in Rush’s day and location,    "many physicians had abandoned  on scientific grounds that remedy
"    Rush just kinda kept going|    He believed in something called Heroic Medicine
    Does anyone want to…|    I know where this is going
    Anyone tell me what that is?|    I don’t want any doctor with that kind of  heroic mindset,    thank you very much
  Who might kick my door in    and slam a leech down my throat and go,    “You’re saved!|” and then leave
    Flashheart as your doctor|    “I’ve got a syringe!
  And it's as hot as my pants!|"    Is it basically when the time comes,  you say,    “I’m going outside now,  I may be some time,”    and then just find a tree
    Is this Greek influenced,    as in hero in Greek mythology  or something like that?|    Absolutely right
    Essentially purging, vomiting,  sweating and blistering|    Saturday night out, really
    Given all that, what would you put in Dr Rush’s  Bilious Thunder Clappers?|    Anything to do all those at once,    and by God would you thunder clap while that  happened
    This is not something that you even want to  touch these days|    Was it poison to force it out quicker?
    Yes, I’ll give you the point but it’s…|    Mercury
    -- F*** me!|  -- Not only that
    Absolutely spot on,  they were 50% mercury pills|    What was the other 50%?
    Er| pill
    Are you okay there Gary?|    I am such a t***
    Actually, the correct answer  would probably have been -    if we weren’t being nobs about this -    chalk or something like that, wouldn’t it?|    - Yes
  - Nothing that’s going to kill you,    but chalk will bung you up more|    Not if you combine it with mercury it won't
    You’re right| Because chalk in flour was  a thing and that would bung you up horribly
    There was an interesting side effect for archaeologists|  I mean other than…
    Shining bits?|    - I didn't
 no|!
  - A shining trail of breadcrumbs!|    Behave(!
) Ooh, no|    Because mercury is silver and shiny,  isn’t it?
    Is it horrifically dangerous  to do archaeological excavations    on burial sites from these people where they  died along the way?|    'Cos their bodies and skeletons are going  to be full of quicksilver mercury
    If you touch it with bare hands it will seep  into your skin    and also give you the heaving s***s?|    As we archaeologists call it
    That’s a man who looks through archives  for a living, there|    It’s true, there’s certain things I have  to be careful with, if it's been
    Black Death, 'yersinia pestis',  is very, very contagious|    If you discover a black death burial site    you have to immediately run away  lest you get ill
    Because a lot of people got buried  in lead coffins|    And of course lead,  the body just corrodes in it    and just turns into a bit of a sludge,    but the disease persists within and it is  very persistent    hence why it kills a quarter of the population  if it gets out
    So, there are certain plague burials where  you just run a mile    if you think it’s black death|    So that could happen with  a quicksilver-imbued skeleton
    Ha, not so stupid now!|    I like the idea you run a mile,    thus spreading black death for a mile
 That's|    How do you think it worked in the first place?
    They were able to trace the expedition  a century or more later    by the trail of mercury they left behind|    - By their middens
  - Mercury breadcrumbs|    What other reforms did he try and bring through?
    Mobile phone|    Yes, it’s a telegraph that you have to  wire up as you go behind you
    That’s pretty much how they lay telegraphs,  yes|    
fair|    Did he introduce 'Hungry Hungry Hippos'?
    To medicine?| What is the function of  'Hungry Hungry Hippos' in medicine?
    "He who winneth the most pills  liveth the longest|"    Whoa, competitive
 Wow|    So what you’re saying is the modern American  medical system    is entirely based on 'Hungry Hungry Hippos'
    Who has the most gets the best care|    Yes
 Satire|    Was he against lobotomies?
    It’s not actually medical reform|    So it could have been 'Hungry Hungry Hippos'
    Bearing in mind he was a founding father,    he was also a politician, and it says here,    'educator, social reformer and humanitarian'|    Slavery
    Yes, he was anti-slavery|    But pro-mercury
    Yes!| Yes
    I didn’t realise there was anyone anti-slavery  that early|    Yes, they fought a civil war over it
    Did they?|    One of the arguments of the American Revolution  was, "do we allow slavery?
"    It’s like having a major royal  sat next to me!| “Really?
”    “How very interesting!|”    There are actually some  interesting headings here,    because we have anti-slavery,    and then capital punishment,  which he was also against,    they just haven’t put the word  'anti' in the title
    That’s one hell of a relative|    Auntie Capital Punishment
!|    Morning!
 Whoomph|    Yeah, along with 'Uncle Pillory'
    and 'Cousin Swift-Kick-in-the-Bollocks'|    These things work on a kind of bilateral thing,    so either massively for or massively against
    Mmm| Place your bets now
    - Okay|  - Going full Banzai on us!
    He’s been anti-slavery, anti-capital punishment,    got to be pro-purging so I’m going go…|    Not in like the movie of The Purge sense,    just to be clear here,    because you brought that in from nowhere
    Pro-purgatives| I’m going to say he was  pro-ladies
    Correct|    Flip a coin!
 One or the other!|    He was instrumental to the founding of the  Young Ladies Academy of Philadelphia
    Fillies in Philly?|    Yes, he proposed, er, a
    You t***|    I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s genius
    The first chartered women’s institution  of higher education in Philadelphia|    What did he think women  should be trained in?
    Kung fu!|    Not exactly
    Driving a steam engine| Building wardrobes
    That thing where you balance a golf ball on  the end of the golf club    and then you hoy it up and then hit it|    Scuba diving
 We can go all day|    Precision cake throwing
    Slightly closer|    Those John Virgo trick shots where you get  a snooker ball    to go into a little wine cooler thing
    That bit from 'Full Metal Jacket',    where he’s obsessively stripping the rifle  and chanting to himself|    Is it something like etiquette for the ladies?
    Not quite that far|    Good housekeeping
    No, it wasn’t quite that|    Armed combat
    I started there|    Okay, here’s a line, here’s armed combat,  here’s etiquette
    About here|    Oh!
 Oh!| Nice combat
    - Unarmed combat!|  - "I'm terribly sorry
" Boompf!|    Witty repartee!
  Biting and scathing comebacks, but politely,    so the fellow doesn’t notice it’s happened|    He just, about two days later,  wakes up in the middle of the night    with a growing sense of ennui    and realised he missed his chance forever
    Sorry, got autobiographical there|  Back in the room
    Coquettish waving of fans to avoid embarrassment|    Moral essays, poetry and religious writings    and history, which you know presumably you  didn’t, er…
    He’s not a lady!|    I don’t know if it's escaped your notice  but…
    What did he think women shouldn’t be pushed  towards?|    Kung Fu!
 Precision cake throwing!| All the  same jokes!
    - The Bessemer steel process!|  - Let's move on!
    Cliff edges!|    Who’s he?
    Rough, uncouth types|    Hey up
    Mathematics, logic, advanced science|    So ladies of the room, how many of you would  not qualify?
    Benjamin Rush is the father of…|    Of his children!
    …|of American…
 something|    Baseball
    A discipline in| medicine, I guess
    Anaesthesia|    Bowel cleanage
    It’s nothing really to do with the body,  as such|    So a medical process that’s not to do with  the body?
    Is it like blind testing  or something like that,    actual research rather than just poking?|    I mean it is to do with a bit of the body,    but you would say this was not a  physical thing to fix these days
    This would be something else|    Psychiatry, mental health,  something like that
    Yes, absolutely right, spot on with the word,    the father of American psychiatry|    What did he think was a good way to cure "insanity"?
    That’s the phrasing they’ve used here|    Electroshock treatment
    No, too early for that,  much too early for that|    I don’t think at this point Benjamin Franklin  had been shocked by his kite yet
    “Look at the size of this kite!|”    “I’m going to go flying in the rain right  now while holding a brass key
”    A good hard slap to the face|  “Sort yourself out, man!
”    Remember what he already believed in|    Mercury?
    Point| It was called 'calomel', if anyone  knows that that is
    That’s dangerously close to 'caramel'    in a hilarious mix up in a chocolate factory,  isn’t it?|    Yes, it’s mercurous chloride
 So, like,  don’t eat Cadbury's Calomel|    How did he convince his patients who were  suffering from,    and again I’m using the word here, "insanity",  to eat mercury?
    Wrap it in ham|    ♪ Wrap it in ham
 ♪    You’re close|    Wrap it in cheese
    Yeah, I’m going to give you the point,    "sprinkling a few grains of mercury daily  on a piece of bread    "and then spreading a thin covering of butter  over it|"    He believed that mental illnesses were caused  by disruptions of blood circulation
    So how might you get some more blood  to the brain?|    Did he throw people in cold water    or something like that to increase circulation?
    That would be slightly more sensible than  what we’ve got here|    Hang them upside down
    Yes, sleep them like a bat|    A powered warming hat!
    "Sleep them like a bat|"    I'm gonna let that go by
    I’m going to give you a point,    it was a sensory deprivation head enclosure|    F*** off, no
    So a tin hat with no eye holes?|    Are you saying he invented the bucket?
    And the process of placing it on someone?|    He also had a more physical way of getting  blood to the brain
    Is it like when you’ve got an ice pop    and you’ve got the juice at the bottom and  you want it to the top,    so you have to go fneeeeer with the leg    and it’s just forcing the blood up through  the body?|    Okay, I’m not going to give you a point  but you are right
    Moving tourniquet is probably an easy way  of describing that|    Not quite, it was a way…
    Static tourniquet!|    …
to force blood up to the head|    Is it like that machine at the end of  'The Princess Bride',    where you put suction cups on it and it’s  water powered    but instead of sucking life it just pulls  the blood through you?
    I’m going to give you the point, it’s…|    A vacuum
    It’s not a vacuum or it’s not anything  like that,    but it is a spinning machine…|    Human centrifuge!
    …|that you strap someone to and spin them  round like that    and that was how he thought  you cured mental illnesses
    Oh, yes please!|    Did it work?
    No|    This strikes me as medicine in the form of  a Shooting Stars end game
    He actually had a thing called  the 'Moral Thermometer'|    And he was way off it
    The more blood you have in your brain,  the better off you would be|    Is this like one of those love testers you  get in bars,    you put your hand on it, if it's a warm hand,    but a cold hand:  "moral turpitude, he must be hung!
"    He was against the death penalty  so there wasn’t|    "He must be roundly shunned
"    "And put in a bucket|"    At the end of the show, congratulations Gary,  you win this week
    You win|    Brace yourselves
    You win an express trip to see  the buttock cleavage of one of 'Tenacious D'|    Yep
    No!|    It’s 'Jack Black’s Fast Track Ass Crack'
  Do enjoy that|    With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel!
    Bye then!|    to Gary Brannan,    to Matt Gray
    I’ve been Tom Scott,  we’ll see you next time|    Thank you, folks!
    Ee, that were gradely|  Today's show is sponsored by Druid's Fluids
    for all your holy water needs|    This is the Technical Difficulties
  We are playing Citation Needed|    I have an almost-randomly selected article    from everybody's favourite reliable source of knowledge, Wikipedia,    and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right gets them a point and a ding [DING]    and there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is|    Rather!
    And today we are talking about| Bossche bol
    The what?|    Can you use that in a sentence for us?
  [Laughter]    — Football!|  — No
    Are we talking a sport, though?|    Not even close
    Is it a type of ball?|    — Well
  — Is it roughly spherical?|    Yeah
 It is roughly spherical|    — Okay
  — Is it a body part?|    No
    Is it a seed, or fruit, or|    — It's a foodstuff
 I'll give you a point for that| [DING]  — Ahh!
    A Bossche bol is a foodstuff then|    Yes
    Is it deep-fried?|    Er, no
    What?|!
    It's not from these shores, then|    Is it made of pieces of other things?
    It's a foodstuff though, isn't it?|    Every foodstuff, let's be honest,    unless you are eating pure sodium
    Yum yum yum!|    
is pretty much made up of pieces of other things|    Yes
    You get, like, a fishcake, or you get fish|    Okay!
 Er, no, it's made| It's made of other ingredients
    Is it of Africa?|    It's Dutch!
    — Dutch?|  — Dutch
    — Booshe-ball?|  — It's Dutch and
 Bossche bol|    Bossche bol?
    Bossche bol|  The Dutch people I know are going to kill me for
    Is it pickled?|    No, not even close
  Completely the other end of the spectrum| In fact
    So it's raw!|    If you had a spectrum —  no, in terms of taste — from pickle
    — Oh|  — 
and then took it all the way the other way|    — All right, it's something sweet then
  — Yes|    Right
 It's a treat — a cake or something like that?|    Yeah
    [Laughter]  And it's roughly spherical|    Truffles
    And I don't know why I'm doing that|    Is it a sweet, cake-based Edam?
    — You know what|  — What, gjetost?
    That's actually close enough I'm going to give you it|    [DING]  It's basically an oversized profiterole
    — Ha!| 
A what-sized?|  — Yum yum yum!
    Oversized profiterole|    How oversized?
    The size of your head!|    You can fit your head in it  and lick all the cream out of the inside    before you eat its remains
    Like a helmet|    Was that the rudiments of the Dutch space programme?
    With a giant profiterole round the head of a man    in the lower atmosphere?|    'Okay, the cream is keeping me fed
'    'I have eaten it all| I am too fat for the parachute
'    I'm glad we've finally washed up on    the nationality we're going to insult for this show|    No, but think about it
 You could have the chocolate slice    as like a visor, couldn't you?|    Because the further up the atmosphere you go,    the colder it's going to get,  and the more solid she's gonna be
    All right, it won't survive reentry very well  if it's chocolate, but you know|    You've got the cream for insulation
    Yeah!|    
Not a phrase I've said before|    Again, as it gets — yeah!
    They had a point, these Dutch people    with their profiterole space programme|    You could fit them inside a giant Twinkie,    or Barny Bear or something as the space suit
    So Bossche Bol was the name of their first space capsule?|    
yes| Yes
  [Laughter]    Bossche Bol One!|    Yes
 Absolutely| In the same way    that the first French spaceship was called 'Profiterole'
    — Was it?|  — No
    — I did not know that|  — It won't be called Profiterole, you nob-head, would it?
    — It was called 'Baguette'|  — It was called 'Baguette'
    Profiteroles are small, duh!|    We're talking one that's as big as a space helmet here!
    We're actually talking about one that's about five inches|    A little bit bigger than my button here
    There is a bit of culinary advice in this article|    What's the best way to avoid spillage when eating a Bossche bol?
    Sit on it|    Eat it whole
    Ride it|    Puncture it, suck out its delicious innards,    and then consume the outside
    Yes|    Squeeze it like a spot
    [Prolonged squirting noises]    No?|    No, unsurprisingly
    With a spoon|    The best way to avoid spillage from your Bossche bol,    is the question you're asking us
    Yes| Yes, I am
    Is there a special receptacle for this?|    The Bossce bol sphere, for instance
    I don't like Bossche bol spillage|    — No, who does?
  — I'm not a fan|    Vanish won't touch it, will it?
    You turn it upside down|    Well, actually it says 'The best way to avoid spillage    is by eating the pastry upside down',    and I don't know whether that means the pastry
    — Or the person?|  — 
or the person|    That's my kind of dessert
    The kind that you have to be strapped down for|    That's the taste sensation I'm looking for
    All right, we've got a three-person slingshot    and a Bossche bol| Here we go!
    Yes!|    What would it feel like to be hit    by a five-inch-wide profiterole at speed?
    Well, based on the juggling ball I got hit with,    it'll be bloody painful|    I got hit by a water balloon in the face
 That was painful|    Oh yeah!
 You ended up with a real big welt, didn't you?|    I've still got the animated GIF of that somewhere
    I'll see if I can cut and paste it in about here|    I'm thinking, what would the cream do?
    Would it go| would it be like
    Not evaporate, but the action when it melts and|    I like to think that it would turn non-Newtonian
    It'd go solid and you're just knocked unconscious|    I can believe that
 That water balloon hurt|    Oh, Christ!
 If you did it with a custard-filled one,  it would do that!|    — Ohhh!
  — It would, wouldn't it?|    Because custard *is* non-Newtonian!
    Only if it's not sugary|    If you put sugar in, you actually turn it into just regular
    — Right|  — But it would still be enough to
    Hang on, we've discovered a new weapon, chaps!|    If you could put that in the barrel of a Navy frigate
    'Cause I've seen that episode of Dad's Army    where they fire onions at people,    and that looked like it hurt, so I|    Factually accurate ballistics!
    Steel and depleted uranium —    custard-filled chocolate|    I'm not saying it's used for destruction,    I'm saying it's used for shock and awe
    Splat and awe, really, wouldn't it?|    There is a bigger version of the Bossche bol,  just to drag us back
    The Super Bossche Bol!|    Well, you see, that's pretty close
    I don't actually want the Dutch word for it,    but if you could tell me what it's called  when you translate it to English|    The Mega-Ball
    The Very Big Profiterole|    You know what, I'm going to give you both points
  It's 'giant ball'|    [DING DING]    What I love is that in the 'See also' section of this page    is just 'List of pastries'
    Let's see how many we can guess|    Quickfire round!
 Name some pastries| Matt
    Errr| Danish pastry
    Point!| [DING] Gary
    Cream horn|    — Oh good Lord
  — Point!| [DING]    Choux bun!
    I tried to spell that 'shoe' there and it didn't work|    Also that!
    I'll give you a point| It's under 'Éclair', but yes, point
 [DING]    Éclair|    Point
 [DING]  [Laughter]    Viennese whirl|    Good Lord
    No, it's not on the list|    BULL****!
    That's not pastry| That's a biscuit
    Ooh| You could have me on a technicality there
    I also like — in here we have:    'Cronut' has already made its way into Wikipedia|    [Groans]  Who eats one?
 I don't und—    I don't| yeah
 What?|    Is it a croissant and a doughnut?
    It's a doughnut made of croissant pastry bread dough|    But isn't that just
    a croissant with a hole chopped out of the middle?|    No, it's deep-fried instead of baked
    You know those Yum Yums they have in Greggs?|    — Oh, it's a Yum Yum, is it?
  — It's one of them, yeah|    Only it's made with croissant dough
    So it's butterier and more layers and such|    And causes more flakiness  down the front of a shirt of a morning
    The horror|    I've never thought, 'Ooh, I don't know    whether I want a croissant or a doughnut
'    — Someone did|  — I want one or the other
    I don't get the whole American breakfast thing,    of having like, doughnuts —    something that sweet and that sugary, first thing|    You've eaten Ricicles
    Okay|    Oh man, Ricicles!
 With the little spaceman|    — Spaceman!
  — Captain Rik, yeah|    Good grief
 Do they still make those?|    — Yes
  — I don't think they do|    — No
  — I've not seen Ricicles for a long time|    On the other hand, if we do find some
    — We're having them|  — I'm having them tomorrow
    According to everyone's favourite unreliable source of knowledge,    yes, they still sell them|    — Yes!
  — Ahhh!|    In the UK?
    They don't put them in the variety packs any more, though|    That's all right
 I could eat a whole box|    — In one sitting!
  — What, just by the fistful?|    Out of the box!
    Well, you remember the box of Coco Pops I brought    last time we did this| I ate them in two days
    I think a box of Ricicles in one sitting's on|    Fistful Of Ricicles
    — That's just a western movie!|  — For A Few Ricicles More
    The Good, The Bad and Captain Rik|    Yes!
 All these!|    Just Coco the monkey, sat with a hat down over his eyes,    at the side, just throwing a knife up and down
    Are we saying Tony the Tiger's the sheriff?|    There's an entire section of the Cronut article on 'Controversy'
    Can anyone tell me how much they were selling for?|    Because the original Cronut is trademarked to one bakery
    They were selling them for five dollars|    How much were scalpers selling them for later in the day?
    You can't —well, they're not going to last that long, are they?|    Being a French-based bread product,    they'd have gone off within about an hour and gone stale
    As we previously established|    Yeah
 So I'm going to say twenty dollars|    Twenty dollars?
 You know what|    Even though it's a terrible way of doing it,    I'm going to do Price Is Right rules here
    — Ohh!|  — So closest without going over
    Can we have the little yodelling man going up a hill here?|    No
 Twenty dollars?|    — Yes
  — Chris|    Twenty dollars and one cent
    — Ohhh!|  [Laughter]    Nine
    Nine dollars?|    One hundred dollars!
  [DING] You get the point|    Yes!
    F*** off!| For a bloody pastry?
!|    It was one of those things where    the public get a fixation on it, and it starts
    It's basically Bitcoin in pastry form|    You could almost get a flight to Paris!
    Except it lasts longer|    ALL: Wahey!
    Can anyone give me some of the alternate names    that people have called the Cronut, just to get around the|    Donant!
    Fatty Wheel!|    Flaky Death!
    Fat Whirl!|    Fat Whirl
 No|    Dosant?
    Dosant!| Point
 [DING]    Isn't that just close to selling a 'doesn't'?|    Also on the list of pastries,    we have something called 'Nun's Puffs'
    Brannan!| I feel this is your
    — Hellooo?|  — Please make a nun sequitur
    — [Groans]  — Heyyy!|    'Nun sequitur' — that took me like three seconds
    That was good|    Oh, don't monk around any more, then
    I've had that joke on a list for years    and that is the first time I've been able to use it!|    You're lucky, because you were  really nunchalant when you delivered it
    [Groans]    It's not the habit you want to get into|    [Laughter]  Now
    Leave you wimpole-ing in a corner, if you keep doing that|    [Groans]    It's listed as 'nun's puffs'
    That is a euphemism|  Can you tell me what they're actually called?
    I read about this recently!| It's
    Are they those little round buns    with icing and a cherry on top?|    Er
 not the cherry,    but they're basically kind of a light dessert pastry|    Are they the ones that have the name 'nun's farts'?
    Point!| [DING] And
    They are called 'nun's farts'|  [Laughter]    
and they are just a ball of pastry    that is very, very light, with a cream filling in them|    So, profiteroles?
    — |but smaller
  — Under another name, yes|    Sorry
    'Could I have a nun's fart, please?|'    'Of course
 Sister!|'    'That'll be five pounds, please
'    And then you sell it on later for a hundred|    In a jar
    On that note, I think Matt, you got most points —    I mean, I'll be honest, I'm not counting|    I certainly didn't get any, so it wasn't me this time
    Matt, congratulations — you win a copy of the game    where you have to get executives of a disgraced bank    to jump through pipes and defeat Bowser|    Super Lehman Brothers
    It's all right!| Enough time's passed for that one
 We're fine|    Until next time
  that's been Matt Gray!|    Bye-bye!
    That's been Gary|    
Brannan| I didn't say your name there
    What a nob-head, everybody(!|)    We've been working together for what, how long now?
    Up yours, nob-head|    CHRIS: That was Gary Brannan
    And that's Chris Joel|    Bye!
    I've|  Sod it!
    Look at his face!|    That was a good pastry-based episode there
 I liked that|    [Laughter]    Thanks for watching!
    If you've got this far, then hopefully you liked the show|    Leave us a comment if you do
    The feedback we get from you all is really welcome|    Or better yet, tell some other folks about us
    And don't forget, there are audio episodes    of our reverse trivia podcast at techdif|co
uk|    [Translating these subtitles?
 Add your name here!|]  He's got the beard, I've got the bulk
    Wow!| That's
 that's a slogan there|    Let's make lots of money!
    That's a poster with you two and:    'He's got the beard| He's got the bulk
  Together, they are|'    Bulkbeard!
    There we go|  [Laughter]    That sounds like the next Marvel one
  Bulkbeard!|    I just think it's a really fat pirate
    [Laughter]    Discount men's grooming warehouse|    [Pirate voice]  'No, you go board it
 I| I can't move
'    He's just flopped in a big chaise longue on the poop deck|    'Arr
 Bring back any snacks they may have|'    Sorry, it's getting close to a Wogan pirate
    Little bit| Little bit
    [Wogan impression] 'Bring back any snacks they may have|'    Must Wogan all impressions!
    No, no, no, it's not like anyone will mistake that| I've been doing a lot of Woganing
    'Bring back any biscuits!|
'    'Or sausages| Or any cream horns
'    — This is just Wogan|  — It's not!
  This is the Technical Difficulties,  we're playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today, he reads books you know,  it's Chris Joel
    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan,  Gary Brannan|    "All I'm gonna tell you is the whole thing will need ripping out, burning, and starting again, Vicar
"    And the bounciest man on the Internet, Matt Gray    Insert soliloquy here|    Thanks Matt
    In front of me I've got an article from  Wikipedia and these folks can't see it|    Every fact they get right is a a point and a ding [DING]
    And there's a special prize for  particularly good answers which is    And today was are talking about  Camille Flammarion|    Hello foreign parts
    -Yes| absolutely
  -Hello|    Any guesses as to which foreign part?
    "France"?|    Point
 Straight off the bat| [DING] Yes
    And the wheel spins  and lands on France!|    Again!
    The wheel is 50% France|    "France
 rest of the world|"    Flammarion?
    Flammarion|    OK, we are going to need an occupation here
    Yeah, we are| Astronomer and author
    It's a long article, so I'm happy to give you that|    Astr-author?
    Astr-author| Yes, he was a-str-author
    So he wrote books about astronomy,  that were either fact or fiction|    Well that's the thing
 They were both|  I'm going to give you a point
 [DING]    "Faction!|"    Isn't that just lies?
    Oh!| Faction is already a word
    He wrote both science fiction and popular science    God, I hope he didn't get those two mixed up|    Ah!
 Yes, well, funny you should mention that, Gary|    "I have the manuscripts here of my  important scientific work
    "and my one here about men with  bum-faces from Venus|    "But they both went to the same printer  on the same day, in the same envelope!
"    "We can completely agree with Professor whatever|"    -Flammarion!
  -Flammarion|    He was not a professor
    "|on gravitational waves, but the bum faced goats from Mars, are a completely different concept
"    I mean, I'm not going to give you  bum faced aliens from Mars    -But I will|  -Well, there's a first!
    I am going to give you a point for Mars [DING]  He was one of the people who|    Canals on Mars?
    -Point!| [DING] Absolutely right
  -There we go!|    Percival Lowell in America, was the  one who came up with the theory
    But yes, he thought there were artificial canals on Mars|    What?
 For boating?|    Yeah!
 Big, big canal boating system|    Big recreational holiday market out there, to be honest
    Go to Mars| Get a narrowboat
    Pootle along the canals of Mars|    At a gentle four miles per Mars hour
    The canals on Mars were actually what?|    Motorways
    Just rain covered motorways| When they looked at them through the telescope, the light glinted off them
    -It was an easy mistake| Anyone could have made it
  -Swans landing on it, all the time|    All the bloody time
    Cobwebs on the telescope?|    Erm
 not quite|    Not quite
    They were natural formations, weren't they?|    No!
    No, not at all|  And they weren't artificial formations either
    So they weren't formations at all!|    I will give you a point
 [DING]    Can you explain what they were?|    No!
    I was just being a pedant about what you'd said|    There are two possible explanations for the canals
    -One|  -They're canals!
    OK, there are three|    But one of them was definitely wrong
  There are still two, that are| possibly
    One is that there was a formation|  something they saw, they misinterpreted
    The other|    is an optical illusion
    Like the one when you go to the fair and you walk in and the mirror makes you look all small and fat?|    Yeah, that it made a load of
    Watch it!| Watch it, watch it
  Watch it!|    It made a load of points look like lines that  connected up, through a slightly dodgy telescope
    But!| Why canals?
    It could have been rivers or|    -They were straight lines
  -They were very straight|    So they looked more like canals than rivers
    So they looked like irrigation canals|    You know what?
 If I had the ability to do  one gigantic s***-stirring effort    I would now transport myself to Mars|  with a canal boat!
    Just be there waving|    No
 Put it out on Mars and half bury it,  like it's been there a long time|    When the next Mars rover comes over the hill
  "Holy s***!|"    I suppose the Curiosity rover's the size of a big car
    Yeah!|    So if you make it shorter and longer,  it's a narrowboat rover
    If you just put, I don't know, some|    expanding foam sealant around the windows and doors
 I'm sure it would be airtight enough|    I mean let's face it, the moon lander was  made of tin foil
 A canal boat's way stronger!|    Hello NASA?
    Yes, it's Matt Gray|    Put narrowboats on Mars
    They've gone|    See, this is how the world gets sorted
    Yeah!| Matt Gray
    "Hello World Organisation, it is Matt Gray!|"    So
 Flammarion was|    I'm going to try
  I'm going to try|    I'm not even off tangent
  We're talking about canals on Mars|    Yeah, yeah!
    Oh yeah!|    This is perfectly on stream!
    How did we stay relevant?|!
    It's a skill!|    I dunno?
 Six years later, how are we still relevant?|    Flammarion was both scientist and
  very much not a scientist|    So he was exposed to  two very different lines of thought
    One of them was very much scientific method|  Who in his era would have been    the person, standing at the front of,  "this is science against religion"?
    The chief scientist?|    Darwin!
    Point| [DING] Exactly right
  And then on the other hand,    the rising popularity of what  less scientific movement?|    Roller skating?
    Not really|  I mean, it is a movement!
    Very movement!| Straight line,  forwards or backwards
 Yes|    Bowel?
    Not a bowel movement!| No, we're not having
    Chris, save us!|    Cubism?
    Way too early|    I don't know!
    Spiritualism|    -The idea that
  -"Knock three times|"    Yes, the idea that you could talk to the dead
    So he was astronomer, mystic and story teller|  In a time when
    Liar, liar| and liar!
    No, astronomer!|    This is the thing
 This is where astronomy and astrology  hadn't quite sorted each other out yet|    Diverged, yeah
    So in 1907, he wrote that dwellers on Mars  had tried to communicate with the Earth|    Naturally
    And also that what was heading towards Earth?|    -Cylinders
  -Following cylinders!|    No one would have believed in the last  years of the nineteenth century    that canals on Mars were being observed
    No| Not in this case
  Something from a little bit further out|    Asteroid?
    Asteroid|    Aste
 Uranus?|!
    You're very close with asteroid|    Comet?
    Point!| [DING] for that
 Comet is absolutely right|    A seven tailed comet
    Are you sure that's not just a very  badly focused telescope again?|    Well that was the thing, yes!
    It seems to be swirling in a spiral!|    A small comet's seen, it did not have seven tails
    "He's using the kaleidoscope again, isn't he?|"    They are in a formation, where there  is one at the top, one on each side
    and there is an upside down one at the bottom|    Oh ****ing hell!
 Giant spiders in space!|    Along those lines, 1910, what  astronomical event revisited us?
    Halley's|    Yeah, you got there first again, have a point
 [DING]    He caused a bit of a fuss, did Flammarion|    Earth was actually going to pass through  the tail of Halley's comet
 For the first time|    And we also, for the first time, had  spectroscopic data on what it was composed of
    So they looked at the light coming  out of it, to find out what|    To find out what elements and what stuff  was in the tail, that Earth was going to pass through
    I'm surprised they could do that then|    Yep!
 1910|    It's the first time they were able to do it
  So it was a close approach|    We were passing through the tail
  What did Flammarion say|    "We're all going to die!
"    Point!| [DING]    But how?
    Bearing in mind they now knew what the tail was composed of and what some of the stuff|    Poisoning!
 Asphyxiation!|    Yes!
 Absolutely right| Poison gas
  [DING]    There was a cyanogen, which is (CN)₂|  There are brackets there, so it's 2 of each
    Colourless, toxic gas|    And apparently he thought  "well that's in the tail of the comet
"    "We're going to pass through the tail of the comet|"    "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
"    He was wrong|    Hello!
    No way!| Really?
    He said it would impregnate the atmosphere and possibly snuff out all life on the planet|    Did he use the words 'snuff out'?
    Erm, I|    -I hope so
  -Being French|    "Ze snuff
"    I would have thought he would have done that in French|    I believe that is a translation
    "C'est buggered!|"    What did it cause?
    PANIC!|    To a certain extent
 I'll give you a point| [DING]    MILD DISQUIET!
    Witty headlines!|    A jump in sale of wine
    A jump in the sale of something|    Lifeboats?
    Umbrellas?|    Wills?
    Gas masks?|    Point
  [DING]    Absolutely right| So in 1910, he essentially  caused a slight panic buy of gas masks
    Could be handy a few years later, eh?|    -I refrained from making that joke
  -That's not unfair|    But yes, that was one of the things
  Then he wrote a series of science fiction books|    One of which was called 'Real and Imaginary Worlds'
    -I'm going to guess it was more imaginary than real|  -I can only think of one real one he knew anything about
    And he was also wrong|    Now we have talked about psychics,  mediums and all this before    Several times
    Several times, but the approach  here was somewhat different|    So are we looking for the scientific analysis of ghosts?
    Point| [DING]    Yes, he was looking at it from the scientific method
    And| for the time
  was remarkably skeptical|    OK
    There is a wonderful quote here|    "It is infinitely to be regretted that we cannot trust the loyalty of mediums
 They almost always cheat|"    How very dare he
    That doesn't mean he didn't believe it|    But he was certainly very skeptical about it
    He thought they were doing it the wrong way?|    He thought it might be possible, but
    What he needed wasn't a medium|    And I know it would be very hard to find in France,    but he needed a well done
    I'm not biscuiting that!| I'm just
 I'm not!|    Oh come on, that's beautiful
    That's good stuff|    It's a rare thing in France
    Have I mentioned before  I've actually been to a spiritualist service?|    -Is that like a church service?
  -Yeah|    No, no, he just took his spiritualist in for a tune up(!
)    No| no!
    -I actually meant|  -"The readings are a bit off
 They need|"    -I meant this as a valid question
  -Yeah, as in|    I went to be serviced by a spiritualist?
    No, no, I had a day|    That's very different, Matt!
    I can tell you now, that's not what happened!|    No, no
 I'd been out with a friend of mine|  I'd had a few
 I will admit this| And I walked past
    And there is a Spiritualist church, near where I lived|  And there was a sign in the window saying
    "Display of Mediumship Tonight"|    And I thought
 in for a laugh!|    Yeah, OK
    So I snuck in| I went up, and in the first  row of this building
 It was like this| church!
    They had fitted it out with pews  and a pulpit and an altar and the lot!|    And this bloke was stood in the pulpit, doing
    effectively, live spiritualist| this was the big religion of the early 20th century
    This even took in Rudyard Kipling  after his son was killed|    There were thousands
 People were really  into it and it still hangs on in certain parts|    Is this like the American stuff?
    Yeah, exactly the same, yeah|  But he's doing live
 It was|    s***!
 You know, there's lots of older ladies in there"| And I thought, well, as the new
    bloke in the room|    if he wants to show off
    he's going to pick on me|    He could
 I'd had a few| I'm open to anything,  and if he could pick something out that
    he doesn't know, I'll be genuinely impressed|  If nothing else, in his skill at cold reading
    He just stood there, and this is a  mill town in the north of England|    right, and goes
 "Now, I'm| I'm getting the vision of someone
 who worked| in a factory
"    "Maybe on some kind of cloth| machine?
"    "They were called| Edith
"    And at one point, someone would go "Oh yeah!| Yeah, that's my sister's friend, when I was younger
"    That|  far away
  a link!|    "Now!
 He's saying something about money|"    I mean
 I could do this s***!|    "Is there a problem with
"  There was one were he said something like    "Is there a problem with a child?|"    And she's kinda, "No!
"    "Erm?| Oh, the readings are very fuzzy  from the other side
"    "Is there a problem with children or young people at all?|"    "No?
"    "It's for the future!|"    Oh yes!
    And that's how you do it!|    At that point, I gave an audible "HA!
" from the back|    It was terrible
 I could do it|    Stand in front of a room
 Say some old people's  names| And if you get it wrong, just go    "Oh, it'll make sense one day
" and carry on!|    Is this a religion?
    Yeah!| They sang hymns and everything at the end
    Then had a glass of orange squash| wobbled out and got a samosa butty on the way home
    And got what?|    A samosa butty
    How northern is that phrase?|    It's a deep fried pastry, with spiced meat inside
    The Empire|    In a bap!
    Yeah!|    -Bread roll, for those
  -In a bread roll, with a bit of mint sauce|    The Empire made it to the north
    That sounds nice| I want to try that now
    It's beautiful!|    Don't!
  No| that's
 no, that's double carbs, which I|    Chip butty!
    Burrito|    Yeah, never mind
    Yeah!|    -It's three!
  -I withdraw my objection|    The number of times I've come back, with a big  splodge of yogurt sauce down my front after one
    I'm sorry, what?|    -At least that's what I told the rest of you
  -After he'd been serviced by the Spiritualist|    Seriously, Flammarion was simultaneously  quite a believer and quite a skeptic
    He was sure there was something|    But, as he looked at it, he kept finding  it can't be that, it can't be that
    Martians!|    Or
 or Martians!|    Martian canal boat dwellers
    Beaming their thoughts down|    Buy me a new pot plant or one of  those nicely painted watering cans
    Gonna say that|    With a
 with a plant in it|    That's obviously from the north of Mars
    Every planet has a north!|  What can I tell you?
    It's kinda sad really, because he seems to  have had the scientific method and really|    both wants to prove it properly
 Scientifically|    And also really wants to believe, and is going,    "I'm just
 there must be something there!|"    And I'm going really high pitched
 But you know?|    Yep, that's absolutely the case
    Had a massive influence on a number of people|    And has quite a few things named after him
    Any ideas?|    Stars?
    - No|  - Comets?
    -Er| Asteroids?
  -Yes!| [DING]    A ghost?
!|    Ah
    Well|    His own ghost?
!|    Yeah!
    It was incredibly convenient|    Asteroids also named after his sister,  his niece, perhaps his first wife
    Did he name them?|    Er
 No!|    Oh!
    No he's just very well respected for what he did for astronomy and for science|    And also, not canals on Mars,  what else is named on Mars?
    Mountains?|    Volcanoes?
    -The opposite|  -Valleys?
    -There's a word|  -Craters?
    -Point [DING] Craters| Absolutely right
  -Holes!|    Upside down hills
    -Holes!|  -Oh yes
    Oh yes|    As we Martians
 I've said too much already!|    With that, congratulations Matt
  You win this week's show|    Yeah!
    You win a highly expensive summary  of the life of an American horror actor|    It's Vincent Price's very pricey précis
    With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel|    Gary Brannan
    Matt Gray|    I've been Tom Scott and we'll see you next time
    Just hit myself in the face|    Worth it
    Whole day, worth it for that!|    [Translating these subtitles?
 Add your name here!|]  This is the Technical Difficulties, we're  playing Citation Needed
    Joining me today, he reads books you know,  it's Chris Joel!|    Hello!
    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan,  Gary Brannan!|    Yes, I did order a Crunch Corner,  but not that crunchy
    And the bounciest man on the internet,  Matt Gray!|    Izzy
 Whizzy| Let's get
 busy!|    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia,  and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a  ding [DING]    and there's a special prize for particularly  good answers, which is|    And today we are talking about Camp Bonifas
    Is that like a smiley Guantanamo?|    -- Camp Bonny-face!
  -- Bonny-face| I mean
    I mean, I'm giving you a vague point,    because it's a United Nations Command  military post| [DING]    So it's not the US, but it is 'camp' in the  sense of military post,    so I will give you the point
    Camp in what other sense?|!
 Ooh!|    In the sense of a place you go  to camp with a tent!
    -- What, you mean|  -- "Look at his camp bonny face!
"    -- Actually, given that 'bona' is actually Polari|  -- Oh, it is!
    That's not actually all that wrong|    Yeah
 Polari being the language of gay men  in the 1950s and 60s,    descended from carnival speak| So, if you  hear Kenneth Williams --    Julian and Sandy -- you know, "vada your eek"  means "he's got quite a nice face"
    Stuff like that| It's how gay men would talk  to each other,    so that the police and other people couldn't  hear them,    'cos obviously homosexuality was entirely  illegal
    Oh!| And it's a star as well, isn't it?
    Polari| that's Polaris
 That's something  else| That's not quite
    Actually, loads of Polari has made it into  regular English|    Looking through
 barney, having a barney,  having a fight with someone, is in there|    What else have we got in there?
    To zhoozh up, a zhoozhing bag, is to do your hair  and have a handbag, or something like that|    -- And naff
  -- Naff!| As terrible
    Basically, as with so many things, the rest  of Britain just went:    "we'll have some of that"|    Bringing this all back: Camp Bonny-face
    Derailed that one!|    
does not| and it's Bonifas!
 | does  not mean just someone with a nice face, sadly
    Why is it, when you say  "United Nations Command Centre",    I immediately think "damn, that's exciting!|"    It'd just be lots of
    That's because you grew up on Gerry Anderson  and Thunderbirds!|    Anything!
 United Nations Command Centre!|  Nah, it's lots of dull men looking at laptops
    -- It's four men with laptops in a hotel room|  -- Yeah
    We're not in a hotel room here|  Definitely not in a hotel room
    -- It's an actual camp|  -- Is it an actual camp?
    It's an actual camp, in the sense of military  encampment|    -- Europe?
  -- Oh, definitely not|    -- America?
  -- Also no|    -- Middle East!
  -- No, you're all wrong|    -- Something Spanish-y!
  -- United Nations|    -- Arctic!
 Antarctic!|  -- No
    So not something Spanish-ish?|    No
 You've listed most of the  regions of the world,    I think you've missed  three continents so far|    -- Africa!
  -- Two continents remaining|    -- Australia!
  -- One continent remaining|    -- Asia!
  -- There we go!| [DING]    Literally the last continent to be named
    It's not 'cos we didn't like you, we're just  saving you for last|    That's a terrible chat-up line, Gary
    Worked for me(!|)    Do you want that on the  cutting room floor or not?
    It reflects worse on me than|    So where is there going to be a United Nations  Command Post in Asia?
    -- Is it Korea?|  -- Yes!
 [DING] You're absolutely right|    And I'm going to ask a loaded question here,  so have a point,    Which one?
    The bottom one!|    Can I say neither?
    Gary gets the point there| [DING]    Is it the one that's on the border?
    Yes it is!| Well, it was
 It's now become various  other things,    but yes, this was the United Nations Command  military post    400 metres south of the southern boundary  of the Korean DMZ|    Right
 'Cos that's the one where you have  North Korean soldiers on one side of the room    staring at South Korean soldiers on the other  side of the room    -- and they never communicate|  -- And never the twain shall meet
    Are they being that person in the fight going  "ey!| ey!
"    and holding the other two back?|    Essentially, yes
 That was part of their job|    It was returned to being Korean territory in 2006,    but yes, this was for many, many years the  home to the batallion    who oversaw the armistice agreement
    So what can you find there?|  What could you find there?
    Portakabins, wasn't it?| It was just like school  classrooms that were effectively --    that was the channel you would go through  for whatever immigration was
    Yeah, I'll give you a point| [DING] Small  collection of buildings,    surrounded by triple coils of razor wire
    Oh, that's not good|    "It would look like a big Boy Scout camp if  it wasn't for
"    -- Goofball surgeons!|  -- The guns!
    -- All the Korean men with guns!|  -- The bibimbap!
    -- All the land mines|  -- Point!
 [DING]    If it wasn't for the land mines  that surrounded it, yes|    Can I just point out: must've not been on  a Yorkshire Scout camp
    Were you a Scout?|    Yes I was a Scout!
 I was a Beaver, I was a  Cub, I was a Scout|    And I was in the St John's Ambulance as well
  Yeah|    I did most of the full thing, apart from becoming  a Venture Scout
    Did you hurt yourself?| Is that how you got  in the Ambulance?
    No, no!| My Scout troop  had so few Scouts in it    after spending weeks where we  built an Airfix kit, shelled a crab
    What, artillery shelled a crab?|    Yeah, there's just one crab  in the middle of
    "Bollocks to that!|"    It was a lad called John Crabbe, actually
    We built a small balloon as well one night  out of tissue paper,    with a little basket underneath with paraffin,    that raced to the roof  and then it set on fire|    And that's how I learned how to use a CO2  fire extinguisher!
    You see, that's a useful skill!|    I think I learned more off that than tying  f***ing knots,    I'm going to be honest with you!
    And then one night we tried cooking on a cooker,    one of those little paraffin cookers,    and it just leaked everywhere and set the  place on fire|    -- Again!
  -- There's a pattern here|    Shut down shortly afterwards, what can I say?
    And you were a Scout, weren't you?|    I was a Scout, your Scouts were s***
    -- You were a proper Scout|  -- I was, yeah
    We used to go and build zip lines in the woods    and go off camping on our own|    Yeah, maybe so, but did you ever win  the Scout Eurovision?
    No, thank god, we never entered!|    Basically, adorable kids singing adorable  songs in adorable costumes
 I did|    You had a very different Scouting experience!
    Well, we went Scouting instead!|    Yeah, we didn't
 See, you did things with  wood and axes|    Wood and mountains and axes and fires!
    I sang the solo in "My Mummy Is One In A Million"|    Actually, to be fair, by the time I actually  got to Scouts    the first two years were spent fighting
 Literally,    two hours a week, go down, have a rumble,  then eventually we changed leaders!|    We did so some
 we did do that one where  you fill a boxing glove with sand,    tie it to a rope, and spin it round, you've  got to jump over it|    "That one"!
    D'you ever play Barrels?|    I don't
 which one's Barrels?|    Barrels is three water barrels in the middle  of a room
    Oh f***|    Full, if you're feeling particularly vindictive,    then the whole troop joins together in a circle
  Give us your arm|    -- This one or that one?
  -- Like that|    -- Like that
  -- Yeah|    -- And then you run in a circle
  -- Oh god|    And if you let go, or if you hit the barrels,  you're out
    Naturally, this eventually leads to some of  the 11-year-olds    being put between two 16-year-olds and smashed  into the barrels!|    Although, I've said the boxing glove one,  I've just remembered now,    one week we did replace  the boxing glove with an axe
    Nice!| That's more the level we're at!
    That's more your level of Scouting|    I will make the point: South Yorkshire Scouts,  West Yorkshire Scouts
    Whereas I had a Commodore 64|    Yeah, I did not do any
    I thought you were going to say you were in  the Navy!|    "Whereas I was in the Navy!
"    "Where I had a Commodore!|"    -- So yes
  -- What were we talking about?|    Camp Bonifas!
 Which would look like a big  Boy Scout camp|    Would look like a South Yorkshire  Boy Scout camp
    Actually, yeah, we did use to have a load  of old ammunition tins|    Some of 'em still with ammunition in, but
    So there was one other thing you'd find there|    The kind of thing you would find if you had,  say, some bored commanders    who were all used to doing a certain thing  with each other
    Pornography|    No
    A steam room!|    Oh, definitely not
    Battleships!| The board game
    It's certainly a game|    Actual battleships!
    Not in the DMZ?|  It's a little bit to the side there
    Golf!|    Point
 [DING]    What was called "the most dangerous  hole in golf",    a 3-par, one-hole golf course|    It's got an astroturf green
    |and land mines!
    And surrounded on  three sides by minefields, yes!|    "Mulligan!
" "No mulligans in this game, go  out and get it!|"    "There's the map, good luck!
"    Allegedly one tee shot did actually set off  a land mine|    Oh, brilliant!
    "It's in the rough!|"    Yeah, you would actually  enjoy that, wouldn't you?
    That'd be such a great stress relief|    Well, it's a tee shot, it's got a bit of distance  on it, it's fine!
    If you're, like, what, three par?| So there's  a good walk there for a start
    That land mine going off in the distance'll  look f***ing brilliant!|    You just get a low golf clap from the distance
    Oh, now that's definitely not what happened  at one point|    Because the name of Camp Bonifas, it was originally  Camp Kitty Hawk
    What happened| I mean, the name of it kind  of gives it away,    this is the Axe Murder incident
 Now obviously|    What happened?
    I'm not giving you a point for successfully  guessing that there was an axe murder|    But what happened in the DMZ?
    Did someone wander into the DMZ by accident?|    -- Not by accident
  -- On purpose?|    You wouldn't need the axes, would you, 'cos  you've got land mines for that business
    Did the person that was wandering  have the axe?|    They had an axe
 Why would you go into the  DMZ with an axe?|    -- Cut a tree down!
  -- Point!| [DING] Absolutely right
    -- Some of the southern side|  -- This is starting to ring a bell now
    Can't think why, but it is|    Some folks from the southern side went in  to cut down a poplar tree    that was blocking the UN observers
    The North Koreans promptly arrived with axes  of their own    and the tree was not being chopped down any  more, and|    One of the people killed was called Bonifas,    that's where the name of the camp came from
    Three days later, American - South Korean  forces,    they launched an operation to cut down the  tree with a show of force|    What did they call that operation?
 Name|    Thor!
    Legendary American who cut down trees|    Washing
ton|?
    No| oh, that's chopping down cherry trees
    Is it the person with the stupid hat?|    -- Davy Crockett?
  -- No, he planted trees!|    That was Johnny Appleseed!
    We've named every tree-related American here  and we haven't quite worked|    Americans in the comments will be screaming  at you at this point!
    We don't know!| We're not from there!
    Famous giant lumberjack, American folklore|    Paul Bunyan
    -- Never heard that|  -- Never heard of it!
    -- Never heard those words before|  -- Wow, okay!
    I've heard the word Paul, and I've heard the  word "bunion", but I've never used|    -- Only in the sense of something on your foot!
  -- Yeah!|    Americans, we don't know about Paul Bunyan,    in the same way that you don't know about  Michael Barrymore
 All right?|    That's not really the same way, I'll be honest
    Different order of magnitude there|    Different order of magnitude
    -- More Finn McCool|  -- Oh, yes!
    Yes, we've talked about that before|    More Finn McCool
 Yeah, okay|    Actually, that's a really good
 Michael  Barrymore is not|    I think you'll find he was a giant of light  entertainment, though
    What, Finn McCool?|!
    Yeah!| Saturday nights
    "Appearing up on the rocks tonight!|"    So what is at the DMZ now?
    A tree with a hole in the bottom of it!|    The tree is gone
 The tree is gone|    At least they won their cause(!
)    Yeah, they did!|  And North Korea accepted that, yes,    "yes, okay, we probably shouldn't  have done that,    "yes, you've just sent in a lot of soldiers  to chop down that tree,    "haven't you?
 Okay, yes|"    "Have the tree!
 Have several!|"    I don't
 a plaque or something like that?|    Tourists!
    Point| [DING]    That's the bit you can  go and visit, isn't it?
    You can actually go in a bit further now,    if you actually get permission to go in,    you can get to the crossing point,    you can technically enter North Korea briefly|    There are even tour companies that do things,    but you have to pay a  naughty government some money
    Yes, it is possible to get to the DMZ if you're  a tourist    with a lot of permissions and a lot of papers  signed now|    Which is closer than Camp Bonifas ever was
    The camp itself has been handed back to Korea|    But they have the Korean version of  Buckingham Palace guards!
    -- Yes they do|  -- They're just two men standing there,    one of whom's fine with you being there,    the other who deletes the photos off your  camera
    -- One tells the truth, and one always lies|  -- I was going to say!
    And one shoots people who ask awkward questions|    Why don't more borders work like that?
    In the "one tells the truth,  the other only lies" fashion?|    Because everybody's seen Labyrinth!
    It'd be pointless!| Everybody knows the answer!
    But that's fine!| That's a lovely system to  filter who comes in and out of your country!
    If you've seen David Bowie's bulge you're  allowed in|    I knew it!
 I knew we were headed for David  Bowie's bulge|    It had to happen, didn't it?
    I'm going to say this: you deserve it, if  you've sat through that|    Like the time I discovered the zoom function  on my DVD player    while my wife was out of the room
    And the loop feature as well|    So when she came back in, there was a zoomed-in,  looped version    of David B-- the late David Bowie's--  cock and balls    dancing all over the telly
    Not the cock and balls!| Just the crotch!
    -- Different video!|  -- Well, no, this is the scene    where he's not got the cup on
    There's a point where they got him the codpiece    and there are scenes they shot beforehand  where they went    "oh boy, you can see the whole lot there"|    "You know, it's like a party down there
"    "It's like several puppies in a paper bag|"    It's during the Magic Dance sequence,    where he's dancing from side to side,    going 'Dance, magic dance', that bit
    That's the bit he doesn't  have the Crotchulator on|    The Crotchulator!
    Worst gym machine ever|    "Crotch you now
 crotch you later!|"    It's like a helicopter sideways on
    That's a plane, Gary|    At the end of the show, congratulations Gary,  you win this one!
    Congraulations, you win a circular muscle  with the head of man and the body of a lion|    Oh no
    It's this sphinxter|    Urgh!
 Urgh!|    -- Worst superhero ever
  -- Where's|    So with that we say thank you to Chris Joel!
    Where does the muscle go  between the other parts?|    To Gary Brannan!
    To Matt Gray!|    Clenching
    I've been Tom Scott, we'll see you next time|    It's just going to go
    "Why is the lion walking like that?|!
"    [Translating these subtitles?| Add your name  here!
]  If you've never watched this before, you're in for a treat(!|)    Every season we get new people
    You| oh my god, the s*** you're about to  endure, let's face it!
    Go back to the start, make your decision from  there!|    No, go back to like season 3
 We hit our stride  about then, I think|    Oh, thanks for dissing our early work, you  ****!
    I sat in a small room just outside| where  was it, not Carlisle
    Wrexham!|    - Wrexham!
  - Not Carlisle?|!
    There's 100 miles in it!|    Is this because it's all top left?
    F***ing hell, in cosmic terms  that's spot on!|    Don't get all Carl Sagan on my arse!
    'Carl Sagan's Carlisle'!|    If you're getting a cheap day return it's  not exactly
    "Oh, in a cosmic sense it's the same|"    You try telling that to the person manning  the exit barriers at Carlisle Station!
    I think you'll find that's why I lost my job  as a f***ing Uber driver|    Carl Sagan's Carlisle: "you find me here in  the lovely town on the borders of Scotland"
    "I should be 100 miles further south|"    Where Carl Sagan from?
!|    - Carlisle!
  - Canada!|    Gentlemen, we have peaked too soon
    - Tell me about it|  - Speak for yourselves
    "Speak for yourself, ducky|"    Do you want to explain the rules?
    Nah, f*** it|    It's like all the others!
    Today's|  This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed
    Joining me today, he reads books you know, it's Chris Joel|    Hello
    Everyb| I was expecting that to be longer
    [LAUGHTER]    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan|    Three speeds and only one of them reverse
    The bounciest man on the Internet, Matt Gray    Willkommen YouTube!|    In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a a point and a ding [DING]|    And there's a prize for particularly good answers which is
    And today we are talking about|    cello scrotum
    Is it something to do with banjo strings?|    Oh
 Ohh| Sorry, it took a minute
    -- I'm gonna go for this|  -- Oh!
 Okay|    Is it a condition that cellists suffer, because of the position they must place themselves in,    when playing the cello?
 And therefore the vibrations cause some kind of of    painful rash?|    -- No!
  -- Waaaargh!|    Is it when you've got two F shaped cutouts    in your nuts, for better acoustics?
    Er, no| No, the thing is    that's what the article in the medical literature said it was
    So I'm going to give you the point anyway| [DING]    But why is that more notable?
    Did it happen to women as well?|    Woah!
    No| No it didn't happen to women
    Horses?|    Didn't happen to horses
    Old blues men?| Cello Scrotum?
    Didn't| It's a good name though
    Didn't happen to blues men either|    Is this a fantastic dose of the clap that went round the Royal Philharmonic one time?
    You're all assuming that anyone was actually injured here|    Was it just completely fabricated?
    Point!| [DING]    Ah!
    Completely, utterly made up, as a case report|  That made it into what?
    Er, medical journal?|    Yeah, the British Medical Journal
 [DING]    The prestigious British Medical Journal, in 1974    and purportedly, an affliction affecting male cello players|    It was a reply to 'guitar nipple'
    Nipple?|!
    Guitar nipple|    What's rubbing?
    If you played your guitar up this high, that's|    For a while the Beatles did!
    I say, shotgun bass player!|    ♫ Bum ba-diggley bum ♫    Dr Elaine Murphy thought that whoever was sending in the "guitar nipple" was having a laugh
    So then sent in 'cello scrotum'|  She did it as a joke    which was published in the British Medical Journal    without someone pointing out what rather obvious thing?
    That it was bollocks?|    -- Eyyy!
  -- Awww!|    That's a golf clap
 It's not biscuits!| It's a golf clap
    It's good| That's good, that's good
    I didn't even know I was making that joke 'til I'd done it!|    What was wrong with it?
    Well, you wouldn't have a cello that high up, for a start|    That's exactly right
 Yes| [DING]    Between your knees, isn't it?
    --Yes, have a point|  --If you have a cello up that high, you've got legs at that angle
    Yes| That is entirely right
    Also, don't you rest cellos on a spike?|    So you're kinda [SHUCK]    --I'll tell you what
  --[URGHAAAH!|]    Tell you what, that's how you would get cello scrotum
 If you got that spike placement wrong|    I'll give you that now
    Ah yes, you are absolutely right| A cellist does not put a cello anywhere near
 their crotch|    Well, in normal service
    Speak for yourself|    Which means Elaine Murphy, Baroness Murphy, has a wonderful Wikipedia article, because at the top    there is all the sections, of you know, like member of the House of Lords
life peer|    And then 'Cello Scrotum' controversy
    Point!| [DING]    Very last section, is a well referenced section, to a BBC article, that's simply titled    "Peer reveals 'Cello Scrotum' hoax"
    That's one to put on the expenses claim|    Yeah
 Why is this important?|    Why is the fact that this was published, as an article in medical literature, important?
    Did it change how|did it like need peer review, double blind
testing stuff?|    It should have had
 I'll give you the point for that [DING]|    It should have had that
 Something shouldn't make it in to the BMJ without at least running it past someone    going| Cello scrotum?
  --REALLY?|    Cello scrotum?
 Really?|    "Johnny!
 Johnny, you play the cello don't you?| Would you mind just dropping them for a second,    "so I can have a look if there is any redness or soreness, down there?
"    "Drop trou!|"    "No
 it looks|it looks rather, rather abrased, but I can't prove it's the cello
 That's the problem|"    "Is it that you're a fantastic deviant?
"    No, that's just the band name| Johnny and the Fantastic Deviants
    They all played their instruments wrongly|    Ooh!
    "You don't want to see what he did to his contrabassoon!|"    "Quite, quite frightful
 Very bad for the wood|"    Um, yes
 So there was a letter in another one in 1990, which is simply titled    "'Cello Scrotum' questioned"|    which sounds like the worst police report I've ever heard
    "Did you do it?|!
"    But I'm mainly using this as a jumping off point    [GASP!|]    to a whole load of other    "person's body part"
    And I'm gonna do a quickfire round for a little while here|    What other afflictions are there that have been mentioned in
 that now have|    Henderson's Hooch?
    Shatner's Bassoon?|    That's not real
 That's from Brass Eye| Chris?
    Nelson's left eyeball?|    -- I hope it was that one
 50/50 chance I got that one|  --We're talking stuff like tennis elbow    --Yes, have a point [DING]  --Housemaid's knee
    --[DING] Yep|  --Erm
    Juggler's bum!|    Juggler's?
 What's juggler's bum?|    Juggler's bum is where you keep dropping, but you always bend down the same way    to pick up the dropped juggling balls
 You end up with a pull across one cheek|    I wonder
I can't do a full medical literature check here|    I'm sure it's not in there
    Golfer's nipple|    I don't have golfer's nipple, I have a different body part
 What's golfer's nipple?|    It's where it's cupped at the end, so you can use it as a tee, in an emergency
    I thought it's during the swing| Because a lot of them wear a kind of polo    you have to wear a collared shirt
they wear polo t-shirts    And they've all got branding, just over the| comme ça!
    You're right| That's kinda it
 It's abrasing the nipples, so you often|    I've heard, like having plasters underneath or something to stop that happening in the swing
    Yes| There are a couple of references to that
 I'll give you that| But the one I have for golfing, is not the nipple
    Elbow?|    ELBOW!
 Have a point [DING]| Golfer's elbow
    That's exactly the same as tennis elbow, isn't it?|    --More or less, yes
  --But longer?|    --Yes
  --Implement|    Not elbow
it just grows|    Got a long elbow
    Can anyone else feel it, if you put your finger close to, sort of the top of your nose there    can you feel like a|tingling?
    That's psychosomatic isn't it?|    I can genuinely feel it, there
    Wait!| Hold on
 No!| This is a set up, to have all of us, doing this
    No it's not!| Genuinely
 I'm not joking| Genuinely
 If I do that    If I hover my finger there, I can feel a tingling feeling|    You're right!
 You're actually right there| This is not a hoax, viewers    -- Like the time I invited you all on the podcast
  -- I have a monobrow!|    I'm going to feel it!
    Yes I can, but it's because there's hair there|    It's further away than when you actually hit the skin
 It's about here| I can feel it
 if I've got my eyes closed|    This sounds like reiki
    --In fingers or hair?|  --There
I can feel it there, tingling|    So that's quite far away
 It starts to feel tingles|    --It is
  --It starts to get stronger|    It is just your body being aware there's something there and I think being    slightly nervous that someone is going to just hit you
    In the eye!| It's just a funny thing you can feel
    Close your eyes and tell me when you can feel me doing it to you|    Don't do anything daft!
    I'm not going to do anything, just I want you to tell me when you can feel it|    OK
 I'm coming closer|    I want to say I can feel something, but I'm worried there's nothing there now
    Yeah, you're absolutely right!|    You are absolutely right
 SCIENCE!|    It's the truth
 But you can feel it| It's a weird thing
    Yeah|    So yes, golfer's elbow, tennis elbow is in there
 What else do we have?|    Footballers having nothing wrong with them, but rolling around on the floor anyway?
    Cyclist's sphincter?|    -- Oh, actually
 there's|  -- Thighs!
    It's quite a small seat|    Well, yeah
 There is that|    And there's also a type of cyst that cyclists get in a delicate area
    More prone to it there, than anything else|    A cyclist's cyst
    A cycle cyst's cyst|    It starts with peri, doesn't it, and you don't wanna Google images of it?
    Ohh!| No!
 Really?|    Because you're on a saddle, there's certain pressure points
    Yes|    -- Yes, um, that
  -- Moving swiftly on|    
oddly enough, is not listed as a specific complaint|    There is an entire category of occupational diseases, but most of those, because they're not about leisure    are actually pretty horrifying
    Miners' black lung| [DING]    Asbestos
    Vibration white finger| [DING]    And radium jaw
    --Ooh no!| That's horrible!
  --Oh, from the paint brush thing|    The phossy jaw
 phossy jaw|    Yeah
 You have a point there [DING]| You have a point there [DING]
    Yeah, that was nasty|    Yeah, these were the match girls
 This wasn't licking radium paint on its own|    This was licking phosphorus
    Mmm| That's Phoss Jaw, isn't it?
    That's phossy jaw|phosphorous jaw
    There's also a reference here to Eben Byers|    American socialite, athlete and industrialist
    He won the 1906 US Amateur in golf| Er, what happened to him?
    Golf ball in the face?|    Something to do with radiation in his jaw then?
    I was hoping someone was going to say his jaw fell off|    --Oh!
 His jaw fell off|  --His jaw fell off
    Yeah!| Absolutely right
 In fact| [DING]    The Wall Street Journal have a wonderful thing here, "The radium water worked fine until his jaw came off"
    Ohh!| No
    He took a patent medicine, that was made of what?|    Radium
 [DING]    Dissolved in?|    Water
 [DING]    Point!|
 Points all round!|    Was it called radium water?
    It was radium water, yes|    --It was a common thing though
  --It was called Radithor|    Yeah, there was a time when radiation would cure all
 Wasn't there?|    Well, specifically radium was the thing that would cure, basically anything
    So you'd take it in liquid form| You'd stick it up your bum
 You'd do everything else that needed it|    We visited this last time as well, didn't we?
    Yeah we have| This was a minimum of one microcurie in distilled water
    The owner of the company, head of laboratories, was Dr William Bailey| Who was not what?
    Any doctor at all?|    He was not a medical doctor
 No| Not in the slightest
 [DING]    Is this|erm
homeopathic radium?|    -- No!
 If it was homeopathic radium|  -- You'd be fine!
    You can actually buy that| I nearly
 I tell you what| I didn't have time to order it
    But I only thought about this| one of the prizes I was thinking of getting
    I was actually going to get a physical prize, rather than a cheap joke|    Because I was going to say: congratulations, you win homeopathic kitten chlamydia
    Then I was going to get a small vial of pills, of homeopathic kitten chlamydia|    Which you can order, for about four or five quid
  From Her Majesty's Homeopathic Suppliers|    I am not joking
    What would I do?| What would I use homeopathic kitten chlamydia for?
    Curing chlamydia in your kitten|    Not a joke!
    I don't believe a word|    Wait a minute
 So I'm giving my kitten chlamydia, to cure my kitten's chlamydia?|    No!
 You're giving your kitten water that used to have chlamydia in it|    In order to cure the kitten's chlamydia
 Not a joke!|    But I don't
 [stutters]| but I don't cure chlamydia by giving myself yet more chlamydia!
    That's not how it works|    They will also sell you homeopathic Berlin Wall
    What's that for?| Communism?
!|    Claustrophobia
    F*** off!|    How does
the Berlin Wall was f***ing outside anyway!|    I could walk past it
 I could see the sky, the ground| I could go in any direction, barring the one the wall's in front of!
    Sell me a ****ing room if you want to cure claustrophobia!|    The only way I'd get cured off the Berlin Wall is bloody intolerance between East and West Germany
    That's ridiculous!|    Breathe(!
)    Just eat some ****ing concrete, if that's your issue!|    Calming down
 Calming|    William Bailey who was the man who sold the radium water was never actually tried    for the deaths that he caused
    Although|    Well he was tried in a very large amount of water
    Yes|    Not homeopathic
 If it was|wouldn't have killed him
    Sorry, that was me with the homeopathy there, wasn't it?|    The Federal Trade Commission, the US government, basically shut down his radium water business
    What did he then go on to do?|    Radium beer?
    Radium milk?|    Radium letters?
    Ah, you know what?| Radium paperweights
 You can have a point for that| [DING]    -- S***!
  -- Radi-weight?|    Er, yeah
 Radioactive belt clip| But more importantly
    "Warm your knackers!|"    More importantly
a mechanism that did what to water?|    Heated it?
    Well, yeah, it would have done that|    With radium
    YES!| It made water radioactive, so you can make your own radium water
 [DING]    Even though it had already proved that killed people?|    Ah, yes
yes, that was| That was what he made
    Well, he knew what he wanted and he went for it|    Yes
 As we continue this chain| We have Eben Byers, who was the man whose jaw fell off
    Yeah|    He's buried in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
 What is special about the way he was buried?|    Lead coffin?
    Point!| [DING] Lead lined coffin
 Absolutely right|    Because they don't want him to irradiate everyone else
    Yes!| And they don't want him to irradiate the ground around him
    Hmm|    So we've got golfer's elbow, tennis elbow, we've got cello scrotum, which turned out to be false
    Ah!| We also have er
oh, [LONG BEEP]    He's seen a picture of it!|    I clicked on what was labelled as "jeep bottom"
    Alright|    Is it where you've got tread marks?
    No!|    You remember I mentioned earlier, that cyst
    Ah yeah!|    No!
    It linked me straight|it just went
redirect me to that| PICTURE!
    That's the risk I take with the screen in front of me|    Have you just seen a cysted-up man's bottom then?
    Aah!| Yes
    Cysted-up!|    Oh!
 He's all cysted|    What happened to Dave?
 Oh, he got all cysted-up|    As we doctors call it
    Our last one|    Is Nintendo thumb
    That's from playing|console games all night
    [DING] Yeah|    Specifically can't be just Nintendo
 Other consoles| you can't have PS3 pinky?
 Or something like that|    No, no
 They trademarked it|    Yeah, it's also gamer's grip
 It's just repetitive strain injury|    But if you go with Nintendo, what pun does that let you have?
    Given that it's to do with Nintendos|and the little things that run up and down here
    -- So tendons?|  -- Veins?
    Ninten|Oh
Nintendonitis!|    POINT!
 [DING]    Absolutely right|    So you imagine, they're all sat round in their white coats, with their stethoscopes    Nintend
Nintendonitis!|    More worryingly, I think I've just worked out why Sega-stroenteritis got invented
    They had to stop making consoles|    Ah!
 There we go|    And also: X-box
    Aaw!|    Congratulations Gary, you win this week's show
    Alright!|    You win a subscription to the Badger of the Month Club
    Ooh!|    Do try to be in when they deliver them though
    They get a bit angry if you leave them with the neighbours for a while|    With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel
    Woo!|    To Gary Brannan
    To Matt Gray|    Bye!
    I've been Tom Scott and we'll see you next time|    [Translating these subtitles?
 Add your name here!|]    [We really do mean it
  Don't search for jeep bottom on Wikipedia|]  This is the Technical Difficulties,  we’re playing Citation Needed
    Joining me today, he reads books y'know,  it’s Chris Joel|    Hello again, my beauties!
    Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,  Gary Brannan|    And of course, the thing you must not do  if the ape is enraged    is the Macarena
    And the bounciest man on the internet,  Matt Gray|    Marhaba, YouTube
    In front of me I’ve got an article from Wikipedia  and these folks can’t see it|    Every fact they get right is a point  and a ding,    and there's a special prize for particularly  good answers which is
    And today we are talking about Charles Blondin|    Which gives us exactly  nothing to go on, apart
    I mean, the way I pronounce that  gives you a bit of a hint|    Français?
    Yes, absolutely right|    He was French
    Oh, the wheel spins and lands on France…|!
    It’s not a wheel!|    It’s just a piece of cardboard with an arrow  saying France!
    Charles Blondin, also known as The Great Blondin|    Did he do something with hot air balloons?
    That sounds like you know that|    Well, it’s a stunt man-y sort of name,  isn’t it?
    I know France did hot air balloons|    That was the Montgolfier brothers
    - See?| France did hot air balloons!
  - He’s right, you know|    I mean he’s not wrong, he’s not wrong,  but no
    He’s not wrong and yet, in the back  of your mind, the phrase is:    "how do I say he is wrong?|"    That's fair
    Yes, Chevalier Blondin, or The Great Blondin|    Magician?
    Certainly that sort of entertainer,  that sort of genre…|    Strongman
    Oh, was he like that bit in Ocean’s Eleven  with the acrobatics    to steal the money from the vault?|    We are looking for a specific  acrobatic trick here
    Something that you’d be known for|    It wasn’t like Henry IV’s  favourite acrobat?
    I think it’s Henry IV, I might be|  medievalists out there,    apologies I might have got  the wrong king there,    who was known for  a whistle, a tumble and a fart
    That was his act|    And he was knighted because the king thought  it was so funny
    Apparently, Roland the Farter|    Roland the Farter!
    That's it|    Roland the Farter
    You’re not getting points for this, but  you are right|    This was King Henry II, in medieval times
    A medieval flatulist who each year, in exchange  for 30 acres of land,    was obliged to perform a jump,  a whistle and a fart|    Can I just take a moment here for "flatulist"?
    Yes!|    Now I know this 'cos Wikipedia has a list  of flatulists
    Yes, yes they do|    What wasn’t he actually doing?
    He wasn’t actually breaking wind|    He was actually
    This is going to grim|    He was able to suck wind in,    and then blow it out again  through muscle power, I assume
    And because that was technically a question  I asked, you’re getting the point|    Ever felt you’re on home turf with a subject?
    We are looking for a specific acrobatic act  that Charles Blondin was famous for|    The windy-windy-falling-fabric thing!
    - Aerial silks!|  - Aerial silks!
    No| What have you got, Chris?
    The flat-o-mer-boing-a-mi-thing!|    Slackline?
    Trampo-mo-line!|    Trampo-mo-line, no
    The high-rope-walkalongy…|    Yes!
    Is he the one that walked between big buildings?|    No, that’s Philippe Petit
    Yes, this was…|    Wasn’t he French?
    Yes, hence the name Philippe Petit!|    No, but you said it more "Philip Petty", though
    He’s Philip Petty!|    Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' brother
    You’re absolutely right, it is the  walky-longy-not-fally-downy-thing|    Correct
    The elastomastring!|    He was a tightrope walker
    He came up with the idea to cross  a certain thing on a tightrope|    Oh, Thingy Falls
    I’m not allowing you Thingy Falls!|    Niagara
    That’s the one, Thingy|    Yes, you’re absolutely right, Niagara Falls
    I knew what you meant|    Widey!
 Big!| Dangerous!
    Yeah, Thingy Falls!|    Widey Falls, not Tall Falls
  Victoria, tall…| wide
    It’s going to be curved in, it’s going  to be like that…|    Oh, that’s where I went wrong, I need my  hands that way
    Have you ever rubbed a waterfall?|    Don’t get your hands backwards
    You don’t want to rub it the wrong way|    Actually you were trying to push the water  back up weren’t you?
    Get-- ugh!|-- what is Cnut doing  in the wave pool?
    Stood at the bottom, like Atlas, failing|    You’re sort of, “Why is no one else as  bothered about this as me?
”    “The sea will be empty, the  fish will|    “
opposite of drown!|”    Asphyxiate, Gary!
    “The fish are drowning!|  They seem fine with it, though
”    You should have seen Noah trying to  load them onto the Ark!|    Did not like it, did not like it at all
    “There’s going to be a flood!|  Get the fish on!
”    A long time ago|    You’re absolutely right, he was the first  to cross Niagara…
    What did he do, insult it or something?|    To cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope
    What did he then go back and do?|    Fetch the other end of the rope and  walk back with it
    Oh, what an act!|    You’d pay to see it
    Well he did some other acts on the tightrope|    Whistle, tumble, fart?
    Famous mid-air, tightrope walking flatulist|    Hell of an entry on Wikipedia,  let's face it
    There were some theatrical variations,  it says here, on the idea of…|    Oh, he wore a hat
    Well he wore something|    His wife
    He carried his manager|    I think the idea of carrying a person  is close enough,    I’m going to give you the point there
    Is that in case he had any border issues at  the other end?|    No, it’s in case he wasn’t getting  a big enough cut
    Someone to negotiate with him  on the other side|    Negotiate at the top of the Niagara Falls!
    Hey, you’d agree quick, though,  wouldn’t you?|    Also: in a sack, on stilts,  not at the same time, and also…
    He was in a sack?|    Yes, he was in a sack
    How did he tightrope walk in a sack?|    - Carefully
  - You put it on the top, not the bottom|    Oh, right, with you, sorry, yeah
    Sack racing across a tightrope|    I would defo…
 never mind over Niagara Falls!|    Well, two people, think about the overtaking!
    Yes, you could see the waveform on the line|    Does that mean they next did an  egg and spoon race over Niagara Falls?
    Are we talking tightrope sport race?|  Sports race?
 Sports day|    Matt
 Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt|    You are so close…
    Because unbelievably the word “egg” is  the accurate one in there|    What did he do in the middle of a tightrope,  over Niagara Falls in about 1860?
    Fry an omelette|    Omelette
 Oi, I was saying that!|    But how did I get that afterwards?
    I was doing it better!|    And Chris steals the point!
    He cooked and ate an omelette on a tightrope  in the middle of Niagara Falls|    What?
 On what?|    - Well, the tightrope
  - Pan|    Yeah, alright knobhead, but what?
    Because that means a heat source,    so you’ve got to have a little cooking stove  or something balanced on|    But what’s that balanced on?
    - His hand|  - His hand!
    How the f*** is he carrying a thing, and a  thing, and what’s-a, on a balance…|?
    Well, that is the trick|    That is literally the act  he is being paid to do
    That is why it’s impressive, Gary|    He also stood on a chair, with one chair leg  on the rope, on Niagara
    No, no, no, no, no, no|    50 metres above the water
    How big is this wire by the way,  while we’re on it?|    Well quite long 'cos it has to go  across Niagara Falls
    What’s the diameter of this wire?|    Cheesewire!
    Oh no|    Ooh, just slices of feet
    What I’d like y'all to do at this point is to  gesture how big you think this wire is|    What, thickness wise?
    - Girth?|  - Yes, girth
    - That big?|  - That big?
    Have you just made whatever happens to be  the size of your…|?
    No, no, I’m thinking of cable for|    I’m thinking how big it would be for your  feet to comfortably sit on and be attached,    so it can’t be much bigger than about that,  I wouldn’t have thought
    Yeah, Gary you’ve basically got it  spot on|    Eight and a bit centimetres,  you’re absolutely right
    Oh|    Balls to this, I can’t actually see the  man do the egg
    I’d rather I was closer to him so I could  witness how good the omelette was|    I’m sorry, if he’s going to show off I’m  going to get picky as well
    Is it going to be Saturday Kitchen where they  try and do it under a minute?|    Omelette Challenge
  60 seconds|    That’s a reference that not many people  are going to get isn’t it?
    Now there is a sentence in this article|    Obviously, at this point --    he was born in France, he’s moved to the  US to do this sort of thing
    While in the US he married someone called  Charlotte Lawrence|    What’s strange about that?
    Is he a bigamist?|    Well, we don’t know
    I’ll give you the point because the phrase  here is:    "while in the US he married a second wife"|    That indicates you’re a bigamist
    And then slightly earlier it says he married  Marie Blancherie,    and it is not known what happened to his French  family after he went to America|    So I will give you the point
    It’s quite possible that he divorced her  or that something else happened|    It’s not recorded in here
    Can you imagine being his first wife,  thinking your husband’s disappeared,    never to be heard of again, and picking up  Le Monde and seeing the front page,    “Man Cooks Egg Over Niagara Falls”  and going “b******!|”    Oh yes, because it was definitely  front-page-worthy
    Oh, yeah!|    What, you think this isn’t?
    Blondin came back to Europe,  lived in the UK,    retired for a while and then made a reappearance  in the sort of manner    you’d expect stars who are  in need of money to do|    I’m a Celebrity
    Something that existed at the end of  the 19th century and still exists now|    Panto
    Yes|    You are absolutely right
    He appeared in Jack and the Beanstalk  at the Crystal Palace|    Not at Crystal Palace, at the Crystal Palace
    I’m going to guess that what he did is his  tightrope act on was, maybe, the beanstalk|    I’m going to suggest that might be it,  it’s not recorded here but, yes
    Nah, he was the front end of the panto horse|    While on the beanstalk
    Back end, not a tightrope walker,  clinging on desperately|    It’s like, you have to put some  tightrope walking in there,    because this guy’s a one-trick pony…
    Oh, f*** off…|    That wasn’t a joke
    Oh, horse!|  Panto horse
    I must just be naturally funny(!|)    When he’s out of work he’s getting the  washing in, where is he?
    On top of the washing line|    He was so associated with tightrope walking,  what happened to his name?
    Oh, the tightrope became his name!|    A tightrope walker was called a Blondin
    - Ah|  - That’s how well-known he was
    Like how people Google for things…|    Going back to an earlier thing,    like that guy was around in the early 2000s  called Mr Methane
    Another one on your list of famous flatulists!|    Yes
    See how I’m tying these bits together today|    There is also a thing called a Blondin,  even now
    And it’s a bit of industrial equipment|    What might it be?
    Safety rig for working at height?|    Not for people
    - Animals|  - For sheep working at height!
    “Go on Bessie, the grass is a bit long  near the cliff|”    “Baaa!
”    - Not for animals|  - That’s a valid thing you might need    because companies are putting sheep on their  roofs, aren’t they?
    What?|    If you build a new building you can put the  organic roofs on    that are a layer of turf to help insulate,  to stop it
    Some companies want it to be kind of a wild  garden, but other companies…|    Want it neatly mowed?
    And they’re putting sheep and goats on it|    Cracking
    So you might need a safety line for a sheep,  it's working at height…|    When was the last time you put a safety harness  on a sheep?
    Wednesday|    All I can think is that I want to change jobs  to aerial shepherd
    What might you need to move,  on a rope, in a quarry?|    Oh, stone
    You’re absolutely right|    It’s an aerial ropeway used in  Welsh slate quarries
    It’s called a Blondin after him|    Oh, right, so like the ones at the end of…
  nah, that doesn’t spoil anything,    like the ones at the end of Get Carter,    that kind of thing where it dumps  coal in the sea|    Hands up who's seen Get Carter?
    - Literally none|  - Literally only Gary
    F*** it, bring the screen down|    We’re watching this, alright?
    “You’re a big man, but you’re out of shape|  He does this for a living
”    - That’s from Get Carter|  - Get Carter
    There is one other person I’d like to talk  about from Niagara Falls    and from the history of Niagara Falls|    Is it
 was it a lady or a gentleman went  over it in a barrel?|    You said lady or a gentleman, Gary,  I’ll give you the choice, pick one
    Oh f***|    The little bell that’s ringing in the back of my head  says lady but I could be wrong
    - Roll with it|  - Have a point
    - Oh, right okay|  - Any idea of the names?
    Annie Edison Taylor|    Born in 1838, ended up in Bay City, Michigan    where she hoped to become a dance instructor
    Did she not?|    I mean, have the point
 Why not?|    Couldn’t f***ing dance(!
)    Bog-all rhythm|    There’s nobody wanting to dance
    There are no dance schools|    Now why didn’t she sort of break the mould  and start one, rather than just…
    Well she did!| She absolutely did, have a point
    Then she travelled all over the place trying  to find work,    couldn’t find any  and moved back to Bay City|    Which means she wanted to secure  her later years financially
    She wanted to avoid what?|    Workhouses?
 Something like that?|    Yes, the poor house, absolutely right
    She decided she would be the first person  to ride over Niagara Falls in a barrel|    And she considers that securing her future?
    Not putting it at dire risk|    She was actually in her 60s,  when she went over
    Really?|    Using a custom made barrel
    Why did she use a barrel, not, like a boat  or something proper?|    “It was a proper barrel!
”    That’s good question|  What is a barrel designed to do?
    Oh, keep water out?|    Exactly
    It’s designed…|    Well, strictly speaking,  to keep water in, surely?
    - No, keep booze in, and water out!|  - Oh, right, with you!
    - Yes!|  - Focus man, come on
    It is meant to be waterproof|    So the idea is she’s in there,  in a slightly pressurised barrel,    with a heart-shaped pillow and mattress
    There was a lid on it?|    There was a lid on it
    Oh right, I assumed it was up to the waist  or something!|    “Tally-ho!
”    I’ve always assumed that, that’s how I’ve  always pictured it|    I never thought…
    Sort of like a tub over the edge, yeah|    Come to think of it, yeah, so have I
    No, she was stuffed in a barrel  with the top sealed|    A little bit of pressure in there, the idea  being that all she’s going to feel is:    darkness, darkness, darkness, plunge, thump,  thump, thump, thump,    get out the other side
    Did she?|    Well you keep asking me the questions, Matt,    but that’s not actually  what I’m here for
    So…|    Let’s say she didn’t
    She did|    She made it over the falls with nothing but  a small gash on her head
    What did she say afterwards?|    F***!
    I mean it was…| it was…
    I’m going to give you the point because  it wasn’t that short,    it wasn’t in so few words,    but yes, “If it was with my dying breath,    “I would caution anyone against attempting the feat|”    That’s never a great recommendation for  a ride is it?
    No, but it’s really smart for somebody who  is looking to secure their fame    for being the one who did it|    “I would sooner walk up to the mouth of a cannon  knowing it was going to blow me to pieces    than make another trip over the fall
”    And next week, watch me walk up to a cannon  knowing it’s going to blow me to pieces!|    At the end of the show, congratulations Chris,  you win this one
    Well done|    You win a small fast bird that makes clothing  for other small fast birds
    Oh God|    It’s this Tailor Swift
    With that we say thank you to Chris Joel,    to Gary Brannan,    to Matt Gray|    Bye bye YouTube
    I’ve been Tom Scott and we’ll see you  next time|  [Cheering]    MATT: What up, crew?
    [Laughter]    Yeah, get the door, door boy!|    Just put this back on to cover up the man-boobs
    [Whistle from audience]    Thank you!|    She's up there
    Now, those of you who have known  what we've done for a while    will remember that a long time ago  we did some audio episodes|    And I didn't know how much time we would  have left, exactly, at the end of this
    GARY: To be fair, we didn't know how long it'd get  before the cold bottles of piss hit the stage|    What I like is that they're cold, which means  that people have pre-prepared them
    [Laughter]  GARY: Yeah|    Um, which means —    MATT: "This one's for piss
"    Er, which means that|    In front of me, I have some classic trivia questions!
    [Cheering]  GARY: Ohhh, baby!|    This is what they want!
    "Finchley!|"    And by classic, I mean they're from 1984
    GARY: This s*** again!|    [Laughter]    I am going to read out the answers;  all you have to do is guess the questions
    Are you all ready?|    God, remember the days when we did this  in a small, fart-filled room in Chester?
    We had a really big curry one of the nights, and *he*|    He destroyed the room so badly we had to  open the outside door to let the maft out
    That was the night I fell off your airbed and head-butted  your drum kit — oh, memories, memories|    [Laughter]    We start
    |with Albert Blake Dick
    Which Blake didn't make Blake's 7?|    Because "Dick's 7" wouldn't sound
 yeah|    Should have seen the shape of the ship
    It sounds like an order|  'Albert — blake Dick!
'    What's 'blaking' someone?|    I don't know, but I know what you use!
    Heyy!|    GARY: It's when Gareth Thomas comes up behind you —    TOM: NO
    Two people got that reference|    GARY: Thank you, both Blake's 7 fans in the audience
    TOM: Now, see, this has actually been corrected since|    The actual answer to this would be Thomas Edison
    GARY: Er, who shafted who out of some kind of patent?|    Well, Dick was the one who named —  I can't say that seriously
    [Laughter]    Blake Dick —  I can't say *that* seriously|    Albert?
    Albert was the one who named it|    So we are looking for an invention
    A tephelone!|    Oh, no
 We're looking for something  that you'd still use in an office today|    GARY: Photocopier
  CHRIS: Chair|    GARY: Window
  MATT: Electricity|    Gary, you're very close
    I'm looking for something a little bit — like,  photocopier, that was the Xerox Corporation|    What was an earlier version of that?
    Typewriter|    CHRIS: Carbon copying
 thing| pad
    Yeah, I'll give you the point| [DING]    We're looking for mimeograph machine
    GARY and MATT: Mimeograph machine?|    GARY: Sounds like a f***ing electro band
    GARY: Yeah, I'm down with the kids|    'Hello, we're Mimeograph Machine
'    CHRIS: [Beeping and booping]  GARY: 'Yeah| And we're here to annoy you pre-show
'    TOM: That's actually fair, isn't it|  GARY: Yeah, yeah
    We move on to 'the 35'|    What yard line do you do some  bollocks at in American football?
    [Laughter]    GARY: You don't get your bollocks out  in American football|    Very dangerous
    No, that's rugby, and that's afterwards|    Ha ha!
    Oh they do, though, don't they|    You're absolutely right,  it is a yard line in American football
    Do you want to go any|    CHRIS: Line of scrimmage
  MATT: Is that the line you go past, that if you go|    That's where you
 kick the thingy|    [Applause]  GARY: This is why you never got that
    American football is one of the few  sports I sometimes watch|    And I still don't know what I'm going to say
    And yet, 'Is it the line you kick the thingy?|'    The thing is, he's right
 [DING]    [Applause]    That's what you get for watching the Superb Owl, isn't it|    Yes
    Super Bowel|    Yeah
 Hell of a show|    Yeah
 It's 'Which yard line do NFL teams kick off from?|'    And before we get letters, this is from 1984
  It was moved ten years later|    'Before we get letters'?
    [Laughter]    MATT: Z!| Q!
 R!|    I'd quite like that, because the YouTube barrier to entry    would be quite a bit higher if you  had to comment by sending a letter
    But on the other hand, I would  open my post in the morning —    You've got a letter opener as well!|    [Laughter and applause]    Tom lives near an embassy
    I like to think he does have a silver platter  that his post is delivered on|    'Private and Confidential for you, sir
'  [Envelope slitting noises]    No, I just like the idea that I'm going to open a letter,    and it's just going to be a vague insult on my person|    All in caps
    All in caps, obviously|    That would be, yeah — YouTube comments by post
    'u r crap'  Thank you!|    That would be post with the word 'LOL' in it
    Yeah|    TOM: Your next one is
 jai alai|  MATT: Thatcher!
    MATT: The answer's almost always 'Thatcher'|    TOM: Jai alai
    CHRIS: Fastest ball speed, compared to lacrosse|    [DING]    Absolutely spot on
 Knocked it out of the park —    No, no, it bounces off the wall and comes back|    [Laughter]    [Applause]    Your next one is
 the Impossible Missions Force|    What do they call us on a date night?
    [Laughter]    Wow, that makes my answer even worse|  Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare?
    Er, no, definitely not|    MATT: 64 newtons
    The Impossible Missions *Force*, right| Yeah
    TOM: Good| good
    Weak electromagnetic!|  Same joke, but whatever
    No| The abbreviation for that would be IMF
    Where does the post get misdirected if you're  writing to the International Monetary Fund?|    [Laughter]    Anyone who has seen a certain film  is likely to know the answer to this one
    MATT: [Hums 'Mission: Impossible' bassline]    [DING]  GARY: Ahh|    TOM: He's absolutely right
 'What's —'    ['Mission: Impossible' melody]  Doodle-doo| doodle-doo
    Doodle-doo| doo-doo
    TOM: He's absolutely ri —  MATT: Doodle-doo| doodle-doo
    [Applause]    Doodle-doo|!
    Yeah| 'What was the name of the agency  from Mission: Impossible?
'    The sound-man at the back, he's just  gone cross-eyed and his ears are going red|    Your next one is
 Intourist|    What is the worst place to store a bottle of water?
    [Laughter]    Thoop!|    It's when it comes out without the cap on
    I store all my water lying down, anyway|    Ohhh!
    Where would a Yorkshireman put things 'in the ourist'?|    TOM: In t' ourist!
 Yeah, okay|  GARY: In t'ourist
    No, you would be saying this  in an accent as well, certainly|    He just did!
    Yeah, okay|    And bear in mind, this is 1984
  They like questions about certain countries here|    GARY: Russia!
    TOM: Yes|  GARY: Ohoho
    It is the state-run travel agency of the Soviet Union|    Ahh
    Mandatory tourism!|    GARY: In Russia, travel does you
    I can only imagine that you basically went up there,  said 'I'd like to go somewhere,' and they said, 'No|'    [Laughter]    It's like a railway station
  Big blinds they pull down and go,    'NO'| 'NO'
 'NO'| 'POLICE'
    I would like to go on The Holiday|    CHRIS: From what I understand from what I've read,    essentially you went there and you got  your week's allowance of
 like, leave|    But because it's leave from the country, in essence,    you got a week in this dacha,  at the place you were told to,    at the time you were told to be there
  And then you returned|    Ahh
    GARY: Butlins then|    [Laughter]    Yeah, but the coats were red
    Yeah|    I have spent one brief holiday in Butlins,  and it is not all it's cracked up to be
    And it's not cracked up to be much|    I was going to say!
    I tell you what, when I had a holiday  in Butlins, (A) it was brilliant,    but (B) I was a bit worried by the barbed wire  and guard towers round the edge|    GARY: I'm not joking, there were genuinely guard towers
    Why|?
    To stop — I'm not sure if it's to stop  other people getting in, or to stop us getting out|    Why would they?
    I don't know!|    'Ooh, let's go break into Butlins!
'    No, that is absolutely what kids in a small,  boring seaside town would do|    You would absolutely go and break into the Butlins
    They had great slides|    It's just the machine gun  might get you on the way down
    [Laughter]    This is turning dark!| So let's move on
    North Butlins and South Butlins!|    'Get on the slide!
'  [Machine gun noises]    No, no, you've got the breakaway  Republic of Pontins, above|    [Laughter]    Blue coats — red coats
 They don't talk| Don't talk
    Your last question then|    Aww
    Baseball and bridge|    We are looking for something they have in common
    CHRIS: An extra —  GARY: Bats!|    An extra card in the box
    GARY: The way I play it|    So first of all, that's quite clever, but no
    And secondly, what bat do you use in bridge?|!
    Cricket, and it speeds it up|    [Laughter]    TOM: That's fair
    Was there ever an iron baseball?|    Because you could say both have  been designed by Brunel
    [Laughter]    GARY: 'This ball is superior to all others!|' Thonk!
    It's also slightly too big for everything else as well|    TOM: Yeah
 No, we are looking for terms|    I'll give you a point for one of the terms that is found —    MATT: Terms of endearment?
    |in both
    GARY: Can I have a go?|    Yeah, go for it
    Rubber?|    [DING]  GARY: Thank you
    Absolutely spot on| It's 'Which two games  have both a rubber and a grand slam?
'    And that is such a good bit of obscure knowledge that|    [Applause]    Because I like, despite all the gags,    that we've ended on Gary coming out with a really  obscure bit of knowledge and absolutely nailing it
    MATT: Shall I save this?|    [Blows raspberry]    [Laughter]    Nailed it
 Nailed it|    But at the end of that, it is clearly  Chris that wins, so congratulations
    [Applause]    Congratulations!| You win an enclosure in which  underwear is forbidden, run by the star of Face/Off
    Really!|    GARY: No!
 Don't do this!|    I've worked it out
 Don't do this, Tom!|    Gary, take it
    Knickerless Cage?|    TOM: It's Nicolas Cage's Knickerless Cage
    [Laughter and applause]    With that, for the final time tonight|    Please give it up for Chris Joel!
    Gary Brannan!|    Matt Gray!
    TOM: I've been Tom Scott —  MATT: And Tom Scott!|    [Cheering]    Thank you!
 Goodnight!|  -Hello  -Hello    -How are you doing?
  -I didn't want to interupt your filming|    So I didn't do what I just ended up doing
    -Do you want to sit on the park bench and talk crap for a while?|    -Yes  -Alright
    Unintentional| Wait let me turn my airplane mode off
  -Oh, mine's not on|    Before we all sit on this bench,  -I don't think we are all going to fit
    -It's a very small bench and it's quite warpy|  -Sammy Paul everyone
    -Oh, Hello, sorry, hello!|    Sorry, I didn't-    -I think we can do this, I think, if you don't mind cosying up a bit
  -Well|    This is
  -I'm genuinely worried this is going to collapse under us|    -I'm squished
  -Literally, though, that's my point|    -I'm not putting any weight    We can do this, we can do this    -Are we all having a good time?
  -I mean, we're having a time certainly    -Wait, maybe I could|    -No  -Let's not    -I'll scootch forward  -There we go    -Your arse forward, our arses back
    -Is this really how much prep you guys put into each episode?|    -Which is a good subject, because you have just released    a load of stuff, you've just released a couple of projects, I remember, you've directed things    -You have to understand, I was sat on my phone moments ago, enjoying a hot chocolate,    and I'm just being interviewed suddenly
 Yes, I have, I have|    Welcome to Cramped Directing with Sammy Paul
 This is happening|    My process is I liked to be cramped
    I feel ideas come out best when you're uncomfortable and cramped|    Well people say artists like to constrain
    |what they've got to work with
    -Just being on this bench alone is making me come up with a screenplay idea|    Well, hang on, didn't you film with Super 8 recently    We did, yeah
  -Which I actually, genuinely wanted to talk to you about|    Ok
 Oh god, I'm now scared I'm going to get technical questions wrong|    But no do it, do it    Ok, so you filmed a music video for dodie
  -Mhm    |using super 8 film
  -Yes    And I remember you talking a bit about why you chose that, and I'll link to that|    But I want to talk about how
 where do you find super 8 film?|    Ok, yeah, this was interesting
 So|    So I was working with Bertie Gilbert on it and I'd said to him    that I either wanted it to be black or white or I wanted it to be super 8    and he lent a lot more towards super 8    and he was very determined that it would be easy to find
    So we just turned up to a few different shops in London and they were all like, "No, we haven't done that in years"    -Why would we have this?|  -Why would we have this redundant medium?
    So we actually used| we asked some other friends of ours, who are massive hipsters,    where they used their super 8 from, and there was a website    where there's, like, one lady in Slough    who just owns a house of it
    And we actually wanted 20 minutes worth of super 8 footage which is like,    I don't know if she'd ever had a order that big in recent times, so|    -Is it still be manafactured?
  -I don't think so| I think it's
 There must be|    I think in LA there is a very niche particular studio that does it,    cos they did some super 8 for 500 days of summer,    and for literally the film super 8,    but I think they're pretty niche, you know what I mean?
    I think you could probably get it made, but I don't think it's in regular production|    -So how much testing did you do?
 Because you can't of used it before|    Bertie had, he'd done one little home video thing on super 8    but it's like, honestly, you point the camera and just hit GO!
    There's no way of reviewing it, there's no way of checking it    There's an awkward little zoom you can do that is kinda really goofy    But other than that, it's pretty much just point and go, and then you wait until it gets developed    and just hope that you're in focus|  -You have to get it developed and then get it scanned,    -Yeah, that's what we did  -And I assume you edited it in digital
    -Yes we did, we weren't sat there with our scissors, as fun as that would of been|!
    I think my favourite thing about it, this is quite nerdy,    so I'm pretty sure the super 8, the one we used was, I think 17 frames a second,    which is like a really peculiar frame rate|    What's really funny is we also did a different video where there was slow-mo on a Phantom camera
    Where, I believe, it's almost upward of 2000 frames a second?|    So I like that two different music videos from dodie range from 17 to over 2000 frames
    -So that means your next one is going to be a GIF|  -Yeah, essentiatly    I'm going to push that to its logical extreme
    And then it would just be AN image, just a lone image that tells the story|    -Flipbook!
  -Oh my God!|    -A music flipbook
  -See?| Being cramped
 What did I say?|    -There is a musician and director, I think Rob Cantor, who did a music video for "All I Need Is You",    which is just a series of GIFs
  -Oh wow|    So its all repeating and looping and it all matches up    But it's not until afterwards when I see all the credits, it is
    He's made of all these himself  -Oh my goodness|    -The implication as you look at it, is it's all a series of GIFs he found off the internet
    -Right  -Then at the end it's like, No you've made all of these    -Oh my god, yeah|  -Every single shot in here is either from archive footage you digitised, or it's    No, you just got someone make this and make it look like the 90's
    -Oh my god, that is cool!|  -I've made GIFs from scratch before
 It takes longer than making the equivalent video,    and you end up with something considerbly worse,  and considerably bigger in file size    -Yeah, I think that is the next venture then: GIF music videos    -I want to ask a technical thing about film making  -Yes, ok|    Because, obviously, when we set this up, we've got a viewfinder, we know what its roughy its gonna look like    It sets ISOs and exposure things and everything like that
    How do you expose something like that?|    because I'm so used to everything being pretty much done for me
    How do you know how long your shutter speed has to be?|    -On super 8 specifically?
  -On whatever|    Um, with Super 8 part of the charm of it is you just don't
    And I think like the character of it, to some extent, is that you are just really hoping for the best|    I think there is a tiny little thing, where essentially it is sold as like    daytime mode and night time mode,    which I think is essentially just changing the ISO, I don't know my how much by    But yeah
 But otherwise normally|    
my DP is just very good, and knows a lot of the science behind it    so more often that not, I'm sort of telling him what I'm imagining story-wise,    or where the character is or how these characters' relationship functions,    and then its more often than not that he'll then pitch back to me    a very scientific version of how you achieve that,    so whether its the lens choice, or whether its the depth of focus, or whatever it is,    and then he puts it on the monitor and I go, 'That looks nice'    I'm probably slightly underselling myself but    I do think that more of the science is in his hands    than mine but|  -Were you doing it all in analogue    or did you do some in digital, at the same time, just as a backup?
    So we did| We shot on a
 I think the| not the fs7,    the a-f-eh-- , no, the a7s
  -Yeah    And we shot the whole thing, so every rehearsal we did was on the a7s,    and then, every actual take we went for was on the Super 8,    and I'm very happy to say that there is no a7s footage in there|    -Yay!
  -It is all actual super 8, even though on one of the days,    what we didn't realise, we thought it would be really evident when you've run out of film,    we thought it would just stop working,    and we got to the end of the first day and we were like 'Man, this reel has lasted the whole day'    And then we were like, "Wait-"    And so we did have to reshoot one of the sequences, I think 3 times in total    And there was one shot that was shot day for night,    so it was the middle of the day but we just graded it to make it look like nighttime,    but other than that, I think that's the only bit of cheating we did    There is one shot that is massively, horribly out of focus, but    Again, its like, Well, that's what you get, when you literally can't see what you're doing    -It's like an instagram filter but without having to try|  -That's
 I'm out    That's my new favorite- "It's like Instagram" Yeah|    -No its not though, because you're doing it properly, that's the thing    -You can tell the difference as well, though, like in a big way
 Like-    -That's why I mentioned that, because I was sure you would of got a load of that in the comments    -Yeah, I think people don't know enough about the technicalities of it necessarily or, like, the average person    to know exactly what it was, so there were a lot of people who were like "I love the style of this"    or "I like the feel of this", which is great, you know, like that's exactly it,    but I think they didn't necessarily realise why that style|    Style's quite a big umbrella term
 I think they couldn't necessarily pick it apart, but yeah|    I think when you watch it you can tell the difference
  -Yeah|    And it's the only time I've shot in film, I think ever    -Because why would you?
  -Because WHY?|    It looks bloody beautiful, I'd love to
 It's a money thing more than anything|    It's just so expensive, and it means that every dud take, is like "Well, that's more into the budget
    I realise that going into budget specifics, may not be| but roughly, how much does super 8 cost?
    ♫ More than you think ♫  -Oh, okay    I think very roughly- we got 20 minutes worth of super 8, which is quite a lot, I suppose    and I think|    Your camera is flashing, is that ok?
  -enhn|    -Alright!
 I think that to get that scanned and bought was about £1,500-ish    -Does that include scanning and developing?|  -That includes scanning
    That's a real ball park figure, I cannot remember if it was exactly that, but    for 20 minutes worth, that's about what you are looking at, which is pretty|    -So if you haven't already, go watch the video
    -PLEASE!|  -It is in the link below
    Tell us it was worth it!|    Our camera's doing something we don't understand, so we're gonna wrap this up now
    Well its been an unexpected pleasure, I guess    Have you ever been interviewed before by two people that have sat behind you?|  -No
    And I've never been surprise interviewed    I've never walked over to somone to say Hello, and ended up    -on a bench that is slightly wobbling anytime someone moves    Also the eyelines on this- I'm basically staring permanently at your ear    And I feel really rude cause I just, like|    And every time you turn to me the mic is over there, so we'll see how that goes,    Also when you got up for a moment, I genuinely thinking you were getting up,    so I think my face would just be like, "What?
 Have we offended him?|"    It also feels like one of you is the devil and of you is the angel on my shoulder    I feel like one of you is going to tell me to kill someone
  -Kill them| It'll be fine
 It's what you want, really|    Thanks
  -Well, thanks, thank you|    -Park Bench; come here for quality
  -I'm gonna go back to editing|    It's been a pleasure
 Goodbye|  -Thanks Sammy    Bye
  That was nice| That was fun
 Good|    Sorry
  -Thank you|    -Are you wrapping up a load of these, or
  -Yeah, yeah|    We sat here for an hour and couldn't come up with any ideas
    -And then you wandered over and I realised the camera was rolling, so|    -I won't be in any way hurt if none of that is useable
    Oh, it totally was| All of that was usable
 Thank you|  There's a 'See also' here for 'Digby Tatham-Warter'
    Is that a surname or a place?|    That is a name
    He was known for bringing  something into battle as well|    Oh God
!|    His family
    Little Timmy with the scarf around the neck!|    A melon baller
    Refused to kill anyone unless he gouged their  eyes out|    Was he the complete opposite, did he bring  something really soft?
    It is exactly the sort of thing that if you  are an Englishman going into battle,    stereotypically you would hit someone with  or poke someone with|    An umbrella?
    An umbrella, yes|    Just imagine!
    One guy with a claymore, the other just twirling  the umbrella|    He had trouble remembering passwords
    What did he think that carrying an umbrella  into battle would do instead?|    Identify him, so people knew who he was without  the damn passwords?
    Identify him as what?|    A man who doesn't like getting his head wet?
    "Damnably English!|"    Yes, absolutely right
    I quote, 'Only a bloody fool of an Englishman    "would carry an umbrella into battle|'    "Hello
    "I'm a bloody fool of an Englishman!|    "Nice weather
"    Self-defining as 'a bloody fool of an Englishman?|'    - Yes
  - Wow|    What did he actually manage to do with that  umbrella?
    - Stab himself|  - Did he poke someone with it?
    A little bit more than that|    Capture 42 men
    Because he'd walk up behind someone,    poke the point of the umbrella in the small  of their back    and say he's got a whole regiment behind him  or something like that|    It's exactly the kind of stunt a guy like  that would try and pull
    No, he disabled a German armoured car  by incapacitating the driver    by poking the umbrella through a slit|    "An umbrella!
"    Whatever the German word for umbrella is,  I'm very sorry,    "An umbrella, was?|"  Matt: Hi, I'm Matt
    You're quite close, aren't you?|    Tom: I'm just thinking of that
    Matt: Get ready, because here comes another five minutes of us failing to start the video|    (Exciting music)    Tom: You know, you know on the way here, on the way here    Uh
 I was thinking: I'm a bit, I'm a bit down    Uh, I've kind of, I've kind of had a big dinner, I'm crashing slightly,    And I need to get some sugar in me to perk up a bit    Might've dialled that a little bit too far|    Just a little too much ice cream
    Matt: Has anyone made a joke Magnum P|I    based around an ice cream?
    Tom: Almost certainly|    Matt: I'm just imagining    a white magnum, but with a little tack    and some googly eyes
    Hi, I'm Matt    No (laughs)    Tom: We're going to say no    We're going to say: do we want to    write the jokes down here    because I think, I think we're both going for    a moustached detective    who wees in people's eyes| Are we doing that?
    Matt: Uh, I was going to go    that's what happens when you try and shove an ice cream up your urethra|    [laughter]    Tom: Uh    Matt: It's partly hay fever    Tom: I just need
to leave the phrase Urethra Franklin around|    Let you deal with that one
    Matt: Do I look like I've been crying?|    Tom: I mean, no more than usual
    Matt: It is too dark for these|    Tom: Why are you wearing them?
    Matt: Hay fever|    Tom: At least we've stopped laughing now
    Matt: Yeah|    [Matt laughs, Tom sighs]    Matt: Hi, I'm Matt
    [laughter]    Tom: I was just a little bit too slow| I should've dead panned that
    And I was just a little bit too slow|    Matt: Hi, I'm Matt
    Tom: And I'm Tom|    Matt: And this is the park bench
    Tom: Are you okay?|    Tom: Ready
    Matt: Hi, I'm Matt|    Tom: I wasn't ready
 After all that, I wasn't ready, I'm sorry!|    Matt: For f**k's sake!
    Tom: I thought we'd settle into like a nice steady stream of bulls**t|    Matt: Erg
    Tom: Hi, I'm Ed Winchester|    (Tom burps)    Matt: And I was the one that had the fizzy drink
    (Plane passes by overhead)    Hello, I'm Matt    Tom: And I'm Tom|    Matt: And this is the parkius benchius
    We could make an entire video of us    not being able to start the video?|    Tom: Oh, it's going to be in jump-cut-o-rama, but sure!
    'Cause frankly, my joke about    it going, isn't going in|    Matt: No
    Tom: No|    Matt: You can't even bleep that
 You need to bleep and censor it,    which I think, actually might be funny|    Tom: Yeah, yeah
    Matt: Right|    Tom: Should I stop, start, and then we actually go for it?
  Matt: Yes!|    Go on, then
  Well|    Marseille's better
    You've got the weather, haven't you, for the  duelling down in Marseille, yeah?|    The weather for it(!
)    "Turned out nice again!|"    "Can we not duel today, it's that wet rain  that'll soak you through?
"    "I've got it on my glasses,  I can't see where to stab!|"    It's a point,  that's why I bought my flat cap
    Best thing I ever had,  my glasses are dry now|    What?
 For getting stabbed?|    Well, I can duel…
    "I went to Marseille hoping to get stabbed!|    "Couldn't even start a duel, couldn't hit  the other fella
"    "Glasses misted up, flat cap, see perfectly,  three confirmed kills|"    Is this Yorkshire duelling?
    Do you just, like, wear big trousers    and throw ferrets at each other or something  like that?|    Okay, that's…
    Well, if you want to find out, keep up with  the insults, pal(!|)    To be fair, ferret wrestling is actually a  sport in ancient Yorkshire, was it not?
    And by ancient I mean 1980|    Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom
    You know, ferret- it's a circus act isn't  it, putting ferrets down your trousers?|    Well, I've pulled up the article
    You can get two down there|    They both seem fine though!
    They're not worried|    They're not fighting
    They're peacefully co-existing|    I can't believe I'm going on to this article,    and to anyone who is hoping for this to be  an examination of the life of Julie d'Aubigny
    I've just pulled up the article on  ferret legging|    Which it turns out, is a thing
    It is, as practised by to-be-seventh Doctor  Who Sylvester McCoy, in his circus days|    Really?
    Yes, along with hammering nails up his nose  and setting his head on fire|    Gosh
    Take that Capaldi, keep up, come on|    How much livestock have you had down your  breeches?
    None|    Could you explain ferret legging?
    'Cos there are some easy points  for the Yorkshiremen here,    well for one of the Yorkshiremen|    Well, we all do it, of course, for  the New Years' Eve
    As I understand it, don't you sort of tie  the bottom of your trousers with string    to stop an easy ferret escape as t'were?|    Because they are clever little souls    and they'll work their way that  round the ankles is a good way out
    You drop 'em in|    I'm not sure what the middle bit is, right?
    Once they're in, I'm not sure…|    Great pain, I think!
    Step 3, profit|    Yes, step 3, profit, yes
    So, actually, I'm giving you a point for the  general thing,    but you also get a point, Will, for the phrase,  "Great pain"|    It's an endurance event
    Right|    It is an endurance event
    What is the current world record for having  a ferret down your trousers?|    Single ferret?
    Single ferret|    Is it awake or asleep?
    If it's asleep you're cheating|    Yes, and I'm going to say, and angry
    I'm going to say, it's got to be less than  an hour,    because otherwise then the ferret is having  a nap|    Two hundred and seventy four days,    but the bloke that's achieved it    doesn't really want to report it to the record  books for Reasons…
    I'm going to say 12 minutes|    I'm going to say three hours
    Yep, 5 hours 30 minutes  is the current world record|    We should point out:  ferrets are angry
 In general|    I'd be angry if you stuffed me down somebody's  trousers!
    "Competitors cannot be drunk or drugged, nor  can the ferrets be sedated|"    There we go, fair rules
    What are you not allowed to wear?|    Shorts
    Oh no, it's pants|    It's pants
    It's underwear, absolutely right|    Oh, the horror
    Oh my God|    I'm just thinking, there's a famous clip,  isn't there?
    The late departed Richard Whiteley who fronted  a chat show for a very small amount of time    and the only thing that happened to him was  someone brought a ferret on    and he went to stroke the ferret    and the ferret bit his finger and wouldn't  let go|    And the shot is of Richard Whiteley lifting  the ferret up    as it dangles off his finger while he screams
    Imagine that with your gentlemen's bits!|    Yes, so…
    They don't let go!|    "The ferret must have a full set of teeth  that have not been filed
"    And I'm giving you a point specifically for  that phrase, because it says,    "The sport is said to involve an ability to  have your tool bitten and not care|"    I could probably take the first,    I think the second is where I start to struggle
    And if there is ever a sign that this is quite  a blokey show,    it's the fact that we have gone  from Julie D'Aubigny    to ferrets biting people's tools|    I don't think that counts as an ability
    Well, to be fair the ferret is doing all the  work isn't it?|    Yes!
    What can you attempt to do to dislodge the  ferret?|    Shout at it, convince it nicely,    maybe give it some reading matter,    maybe give it a brochure for the lower end  of the trouser    and encourage it to go on a holiday down there
    It's a ferret tourist destination shop,  you know?|    "No, I'm happy here!
"    Yes|    You can attempt to dislodge the ferret,    but that can be difficult
    This is a thoroughly well-referenced article  by the way,    better referenced than the historical one…|    Does it just say at the bottom, 'I watched  a bloke do this?
'    Possibly|    This is the kind of thing they do in Pudsey  on a Wednesday night, isn't it?
    Well, where may it have come from?|    Er, the Vikings
    Not quite|    Why might you want to try and conceal a ferret  in your trousers?
    Oh, poaching!|    Oh, yeah!
    Yes, absolutely right, to avoid detection  by gamekeepers|    I can say if a ferret is biting your cock  very hard    it's going to be very difficult not to be  given away when being a poacher
    I don't think you can stifle a cry that long    if we're talking hours' worth here|    Can you not just do that thing in  'Danny, the Champion of the World'    and tickle a fish until it falls asleep?
    There's easier ways of making a living,  you know!|    "Oh, another screaming person  leaving the park
    "Nothing untoward there(!|)"    Well, there is a former world…
    "How you doing, Jake?|"    "Fi-i-i-ine
"    There is a former world champion whose name  is Reg Mellor and…|    Of course, it's a Reg
    It couldn't be anything but a Reg, could it?|    Who is credited with introducing what tradition?
    And it's a clothing tradition|    Is it an ice bath?
    No, it's a clothing tradition,  during the event?|    Skinny-legged jeans
    It can't actually move once you've got it  wedged in there|    There's a thought, yeah
    Is there a requirement of the tightness of  lower-end clothing?|    No, this is actually a lovely connection back  to duelling scars
    Swords|    Duelling scars, not duelling- they're not  duelling with ferrets
    Going back to my scars on people's arses as  a matter of bravery…|    No, but in roughly the same way    that you would show off a duelling scar,    that you might want to make it worse,    you might want to make it clear what…
    He drops his trousers  to show his ferret scars|    No, it's a clothing tradition
    Is it…|?
    Ragged trousers|    ♪ Dirty shirt!
 ♪    Moleskin kind of corduroys, because they don't  rip as easy|    Some sort of crotchless trouser
?|    I think that's chaps, isn't it?
    That's the one!|    Chaps
    No, white trousers|    Why?
    - Blood|  - To show the blood?
    Yes| You got there first
    Oh my God|    To show the blood from the wounds caused by  the ferrets
    Now, I would take up a job as  a painter and decorator    and then whenever I paint a room red I'd come  out and go,    "Look at that!|  Ferret Champion of the World yet again!
"    And no one would argue|  Fillies in Philly?
    Thereby undoing all the good work said establishment  ever did!|    Yes!
    Yes, he proposed a…|    You t***
    I mean, don't get me wrong, that's genius|    The first chartered women's institution of  higher education in Philadelphia
    (Fillies in Philly|!
)    "I say, dear boy, I thought of that one on  the train here!|"    "Rah, rah, rah!
"    This is what private education gets you(!|)    Okay
    So what did he think…| w…
?|    You're just going to need a wait a second
    It's over, mate| It's over
    I'm going to direct this at Chris, actually|    Hello!
    What did he think|?
    It's gone|    He's gone
    I should leave it until there's no chance  of a spit-take|    I'm dead!
    Like that one|    That's actually straight through to the green  room back there
    So he's just taking a minute, to just|    You okay there, Matt?
    You've just given someone an OBE haven't you?|  *Intro Music*    MATT: Hi i'm Matt
    TOM: And I'm Tom|    MATT: And this is the park bench
ish?|    TOM: And Matt has a little list
    MATT: It's actually quite a long list!|    MATT: It's basically a list of things that make me laugh
    TOM: So those of you who watch Citation Needed    TOM: So those of you who watch Citation Needed:  both of you    TOM: will know that at the end of the show there is a gag    TOM: that is a long series of words or a cheap pun or celebrities' name or something like that    TOM: Matt writes of most of these|    TOM: Not all, like the season we've just recorded    TOM: Two seasons we've just recorded
 Most of them are me,    TOM: but generally I will just get a text out of the blue from Matt    TOM: with some words in it|    TOM: I can't remember most of the ones I rejected    TOM: but the ones I rejected are on this little list
    MATT: And some of the ones we used are on this list|    MATT: My brain just generally just    MATT: gets phrases stuck in it and then starts rhyming them for no reason    MATT: and that's where we get things like the Danny DeVito Burrito Mojito    TOM: Which is definitely one I used,    TOM: I've definitely used that one
    MATT: *Laughs*    TOM: It's a good one, don't get me wrong|    MATT: *ughh*    TOM: What else is on your little list, Matt?
    MATT: It's not all the rhyming stuff| it's just phrases that make me laugh
    *General laughter*    TOM: It's gonna go downhill from here, folks|    MATT: Like Keith Moon Landing
    TOM: What?|    TOM: It's just
    TOM: Just the drummer from The Who on Apollo 15|    MATT: Yeah!
    TOM: Okay, right, good|    MATT: Abstract context
    TOM: Yeah| Yeah
    TOM: Is that a Penn Gillette razor?|    MATT: For fuck's saké
    TOM: Oh, for God's|    MATT: *Laughter*    MATT: *ooph*    MATT: The Vengaboys' Intercity Disco:    MATT: that's a party in the cab of a 225
    MATT: *Ughhh*    TOM: Bloody hell|    MATT: Gangrene
    MATT: It's a Geordie who's just started recycling|    TOM: Gangrene
 Oh my God|    TOM: I thought that was like Gangnam Style for a minute!
    TOM: Gangrene Style is the same as if your limbs keep going numb and falling off|    MATT: *Laughter intensifies*    TOM: I'm not sharing that one
    TOM: I am not sharing that|    TOM: That's, that's not a
    MATT: Roquefort pinafore|    TOM: Pricey précis, we did that one
    MATT: Freddie Flintoff's unboxing video|    MATT: Ladies
    TOM: Oh dear|    MATT: St Paul’s balls I think we've used
    TOM: Yes|oh, no
    TOM: We've used la vache ganache, we didn't use St Paul's balls|    TOM: I think we've used Reagans Ray Gun
    TOM: *uhhhm*    MATT: I have the phrase 'squat and haggard'|    MATT: Sounds like detectives
    MATT: Someone must have described someone in my presence as squat and haggard|    TOM: Yep, yep
    MATT: That's not a thing you want to be called, really|    TOM: Sarah Michelle Gellar's cellar fella
    MATT & TOM: That's a man in her basement|    TOM: Yeah, okay *Uhm*    MATT: I think this one came by committee in a pub with some people:    MATT: Sir Cecil Starboard Serlin
 *Ogh*    MATT: Sir Cecil Starboard Sirloin's Sailing Stakehouse and Sex Shop    TOM: Good, wonderful|    TOM: Surf, Turf and Birth
 What?|    MATT: Sphynx-ter    TOM: We've used that one, we've definitely used that one
    MATT: Crystal Meth Crystal Maze|    MATT: Actually
    *Matts top unzips*    TOM: Blimey, whats going on here?|    MATT: Mildly relevant because I'm wearing a Crystal Maze t-shirt today
    TOM: Oh!| Very nice, very nice
    TOM: It's not the crystal meth though|    MATT: Premium-bond villain
    TOM: That'll make sense if you know what premium bonds are, but never mind|    MATT: Burt Bacharach sack and crack
    TOM: Yep, used that one|    TOM: We had a long argument about that because I was certain it should be Burt Cracharach back crack and sack
    MATT: You said that wrong|    TOM: No, I didn't
    MATT: Yeah, you said Burt Cracharach|    TOM: *laughter*    TOM: We'll rewind the tape and we'll find out what I actually said there
    *Rewinding sound effect*    TOM: Burt Cracharach *repeated*    MATT: I know he doesn't need to have back twice because its already in his name|    MATT: Bach- That's the joke, Burt Bacharach sack and crack
    TOM: Ahh, no I like the timing of it better: Burt Bacharach back sack and crack    TOM: *Bom bom bodom bom bom bodom*    TOM: I think that's more important than the|    MATT: We have discussions like this
  TOM: We genuinely have|    MATT: I think we had one once on the bench before, on a comfy sofa in the YouTube Space
    TOM: Quite possibly|  MATT: A while ago
    MATT: I seem to remember being -    TOM: Jeremy Iron Man?|    TOM: 'Irons Man'
    MATT: Jeremy Irons Man|    MATT: *Uhhh* Vladimir Putin on the Ritz
    MATT: Someone told me that wasn't original|  TOM: Yes
    TOM: Well, it can still be original, it can just be someone else's thought as well|    MATT & TOM: *Uhhh*    TOM:  La boheme Boney M?
    MATT:  La boheme Boney M|    MATT: Ah, I think this is  the one we said on the bench
    MATT: Pathetic prophetic prosthetic|    TOM: Yes
    MATT: Thora Hird's Third bird turd|    TOM: You're just saying words now, Matt
    MATT: Socrates cock tease|    TOM: (High pitched) You're just saying words!
    MATT: Cabaret Charles|    TOM: To be fair, that's a good act
 That's Ray Charles doing cabaret|    MATT: Amateur-fiteroles?
    TOM: Like profiteroles, only worse    TOM: Yep, okay, fine|    MATT: *Uhh*    TOM: Are your gloves not actually 'touch screen'-y?
    MATT: Ouija board|    TOM: What's that?
    MATT: How a Glaswegian will contact the undead|    TOM: A 'Weegie' board, oh my God
    TOM: *Sigh*  MATT: *Laughter*    MATT: *Uhhhm*    TOM: No, no| Carry on
    MATT: Are you by any chance having an exponential existential crisis?|    TOM: Yes, at the moment!
 Yes I am, yes|    *Tape wind sound effect*    MATT: *Laughter*  TOM: Not doing that joke!
    MATT: I think that's it, really|    TOM: Good!
 Well|    MATT: Oh yeah, someone described me as 'too noisy to be a civil engineer'
    TOM: What, you're just a rude engineer?|    MATT: There we go
  TOM: That's a great insight into Matt Grey's mind, there|    MATT: Scraping the barrel of park bench ideas
    MATT: (giggling) Well that's the kind of stuff that makes me giggle|    TOM: I'm just kinda sitting here bewildered, really
    TOM: It's like plugging straight into your brain and being a little bit repulsed by that|    MATT: You're repulsed, wow
    *End theme*    TOM: I don't want to wait for every helicopter, but right at the start|    MATT: *Hums in tune with the helicopter*  TOM: *Joins in*    MATT & TOM: *Laughter*    MATT: At one point, we may have slightly harmonised
  TOM: Well, that was interesting|  For those just tuning in?
!| This is YouTube
    You're not just going to open up YouTube and  find yourself half way through a video!|    I did wonder
    I occasionally get emails from internet startups  who want to try and get our videos on something|    I got one from someone who's trying to "bring  the TV experience to YouTube"
    So it removes all the ability to skip back  and forth, or over things,    and just shows you one video|    Ah, so you go to a place, can't find anything  interesting,    and then turn it off again(!
)    That| that's not quite how I phrased it  to them, but yes
 That's essentially|    No
 The answer's no|    However, if you want to give us a massive  studio like BBC TV Centre's TC1
    We wouldn't know what to do with it!|    That's true
    Oh, oh, I'd have a go| Don't you worry about  that
    You still want to run down the stairs like  "Game for a Laugh" onto a shiny floor, don't you?|    Yes
 And what will happen is, like that bloke  on Catchphrase|    You'll skid on your heels and land in the  camera!
  To be fair, Lorz went on to win the Boston Marathon —    [Sharp, trumpet-like fart]    [Laughter]    You thought you were going to  get away with that, didn't you?|    [Gasping]  Yeah, I did
    I can see the waveform!|    Don't anybody tell him about  anything else anybody's won!
    Gary Brannan: farting at marathon winners|    Farts at victory!
    [Sings 'Chariots of Fire' melody']  [Blows raspberry]    Yeah, what happens if Gary actually wins anything?|    He follows through
    That's why I never have|    What, followed through, or won anything?
    Not the latter|    Um, Frederick Lorz went on
    Frederick Lorz went on to win  the Boston Marathon the year after|    But Thomas Hicks was
  You okay?|    No, he's lost it
    He's lost it|    Everybody take five
  We'll reconvene when he can breathe|    [Hums 'Take Five']    [Guitar riff]    Will it help if I poke you?
    Might happen again|    TOM: Okay
 Um|    CHRIS: Mi mi mi mi mi
    Frederick Lorz went on to actually win the  Boston Marathon the next year — don't you dare!|    Why are you laughing?
!|    Let me get this line out
 We'll edit it together|    TOM: Frederick —  MATT: Get it out
    Frederick Lorz actually went on  to win the Boston Mara|  [Laughs]    [Laughter]    GARY: [Blows raspberry]    Are you on satellite delay?
    Frederick Lorz actually went on  to win the Boston Marathon the next —    GARY: [Laughs]  TOM: I can't look at Gary!|    I can't look at him!
 He looks like  he's having the worst s*** of his life!|    Well, that's the post-credits quote and no mistake!
  You've literally just described Crossrail|    ICE CREAM!
    I really hope the camera caught that ice cream truck going by,    'cause otherwise, that's going to be really confusing|    Where I used to work, there was a pie van that came past
    - Wow|  - And it played the A-Team, and it sold pies!
    Do you know what?| I never got one
  And do you know why?|    You do not wanna be the fat bloke running after a van serving pies, do you?
    "Wait!| I have money!
"    "Oh, he would, wouldn't he?|" Y'know
    So because no-one wanted to be seen queuing at a pie van—    the fat people didn't want that, the thin people didn't want that— I'm not sure how well he did business|    And you know what, that was only the second-weirdest thing to happen outside my office window,    'cause one day, someone walked past with a ****ing wallaby on a lead!
    And they had no qualms about going to the pie van, 'cause they were already being judged|    No, 'cause
 yeah, basically, what have you got to lose afterwards?|    "I'm a man walking a wallaby, I might as well get a pie
"    "For the wallaby|"    In fact, if you put it in his pouch, wouldn't it keep it warm?
    - No|  - No
    - No|  - We've established this before; it's full of goo
    Full of goo!|    Yeah, but surely you give the goo a quick going over with a wet wipe and she's good to go
    - I'm never eating|  - The wallaby or the pie?
    |Never eating anything that you've made, Gary
 Ever|    I don't keep food in a wallaby's pouch, you imbecile!
    I don't know that!|!
    - You appear to be lying—  - Well, you've been to my house!|    Have you seen a wallaby in the kitchen    that's doing obvious butler duties, serving nibbles or snacks?
    Only once did that happen!|    That's not evidence that there isn't a consistent pattern of wallaby food here!
    It might be in the pantry the rest of the time!|    You'd hear it!
    What kind of a noise does a wallaby make?|!
    Hang on, hang on|    So you're saying you've got a wallaby trained as a butler that isn't silent?
    - I'm not—  - Either that's poor training—    I'm saying that the wallaby would be in a cupboard and would be getting stressed out and annoyed    - because the cupboard door would be closed|  - It's trained as a butler!
    The thing's gonna behave like Jeeves!|    You've just admitted it's a butler wallaby!
    - I said it was—  - You lock it in a cupboard—    - |it immediately goes into this position!
  - Hold on—    I said it was on butler duties| I didn't say it was a butler
    So you're admitting that you're an idiot and hired an untrained wallaby|    I might have said I tried it the once and it might not have worked out!
    For a start, you try getting the little butler outfit on a wallaby!|    Will they sit still?
 No, they will not|    And also, a traditional butler's outfit does not— and I repeat, not—    leave any room for a butler's— for a wallaby's pouch to serve food!
    Unless you're gonna pull open the front of its waistband and put your hand down|    And we all know what that looks like!
  Anyways, where were we?|    So you're admitting that you did do that, because we know what that is like?
    What are you, a Wallaby ****ing Paxman?|!
    Oh!| I wanna see Newsnight presented by Wallaby Paxman!
    Wallaby ****ing Paxman!|    Just a faint juddering of his lower body moving beneath the desk
    "And tonight on Newsnight, we're talking to the Chancellor of the Exchequer,    and it's full of goo!|"    I think we've established the impracticability of using a wallaby as a butler
    I think we've established that the lady doth protest too much|    Yup
  Wallaby butler: guilty|    All I'm saying is if you put a pie in a wallaby's pouch,    give it a wipe-down with a wet wipe, I reckon it's good to go
    And that's five minutes of wallaby butler material|    Which will all be cut down to two lines
    Wallaby Butler Material, incidentally, is the new album by Sting|  I've dressed my cat in a Christmas jumper
    It's possible|    - "Hello, is that PETA?
"  - Did it have panniers?|    It would have, if they had been-    But my cat has tried on a Christmas jumper
    It's had two Christmas jumpers and she's had  a Christmas dress|    What are you putting in…
?|    AUDIENCE: Aww
    The dress was…| shut up!
    Don't encourage him!|    The dress was medicinal
    Because she had a cut on her side and kept  scratching it and she didn't want to…|    So you dressed her in frills?
    Does it distract…|?
    Is she just constantly batting at her own  culottes instead of|?
    So she tried and scratch the dress, couldn't,  the cut healed and she was a lot better|    Is this a cat-sized Christmas jumper and dress  or, like, human size?
    No, it's human size you pillock(!|)    Of course it was
    No, he just drops jumpers on it(!|)    Actually, no, it wasn't cat sized, it was  small dog sized
    Okay|    Not so silly now
  This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today - he reads books you know - it's Chris Joel!
    Home team advantage!|    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan: Gary Brannan!
    Does this dining chair have an ejector seat and if so, how?|    and the bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray!
    Hello Youtube!|    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [ding]    and there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is
    Today we are talking about Graham Island|    Cause of a national shortage of Grahams in the 1980s when they all emigrated
    Is that what, in this country, we'd call Digestive Biscuit Island?|    Graham crackers!
    Thank you, one for you guys over the water|    Oh, is that what a Graham cracker is?
    Yeah, it's a digestive|    I didn't know that
    It's totally a digestive|    Aren't they just called "biscuits anglais" on the continent because they refuse to accept that they have--    They don't affect your digestion at all    It's only in Britain where we hold on to this falsehood,    That's part of the same kind of train of thought that makes them call it "la cor anglais" and not the French horn
    [French accent] Ah, zese crazy English|    Zey sink everything is about them!
    Everysing zat is sh*t is over there    Your biscuit?| Sh*t
 Your horn?| Sh*t
    Less than two minutes into the show, into the series    and today's nation we are insulting is France    Hi, France!|    We need a spinning wheel with an arrow that goes [rattling noise] ding!
    La France!|    Just on everyone except one that says 'Germany'
    We'll get to you    Eventually|    Amazingly that's what the Germans said to the French in '39!
    F*** Morocco|    We haven't done that one yet    I'm spreading the love(!
)    Tell you what| Eritrea    We got you    Graham Island    Okay    Is it a man or an island?
    It is an actual island    There are a couple of Graham Islands by the way, this is not, uh -    There is a Graham Island of British Columbia, Canada - so the new world - named after someone|    This is somewhere in Europe    It's not made of
 what islands are normally made of:    You know what  -- So land?|    So it's no no no, it's not made of land or rocks or bricks or anything
    -- Is it like one of those things that's an oil rig?|  -- Hang on, "or bricks?
"    No, islands aren't made of bricks, Gary!|    You were doing so well,    
 until you | 'I'm gonna give him a point' aahh it's made of bricks
 No!|    Is it a volcano waiting to happen?
    I'll give you a point and I'll give you biscuits for that    because that was spot on|    It is a submerged volcanic island
    So it isn't?|  -- But it's not an island if it's not above the sea, is it    Which, in 1831, poked above the water for a bit    -- Long enough to be spotted  -- And then became flaccid
    Yes|    So this volcano had a momentary dong    That someone jumped up, stabbed a flag in it and it went beneath the waves
    I think that's what would happen,  if that was Poseidon's cock    Which it sounds like it is    You get the flag, and it goes pfft and collapses|    Cold water
    Well it goes a lot bigger when --    When El Nino comes past, you know!|    It erupts occasionally --    I'll bet it does
    In 1831, the Royal Navy flagship claimed it for the British Crown    Where is the island though?|    The island is off Sicily    But it's one of ours?
    It is| well
    It was all ours in 1841!|    Sorry
    31|    Anyway
    Appeared in July/August 1831, disappeared in|?
    -- October, 1831  -- 1850s, after Krakatoa went up|    Change of sea level, and all that
    It's a wonderful theory, but I was just going for the cheap joke: 1832|    So
 new island pops up, British stick a flag in it,    Automatically a Starbucks on it|    Automatically
 Obviously|    Sorry: Ye Starbucks, of the time, obviously    Starbücks(!
)    How big was this island?|    About the size of a Starbucks
    No, quite a bit bigger, actually    Two Starbucks|    Two Starbucks, a McDonald's and a parking area for doggers
    Point| 63 meters
 You can have one for that|    It also had two small lakes
    Two lakes?| That's not a lake!
 That's just water| that's stuck on top of it when it poked out!
    Yeah, do you know any other definition of a lake?|    I would rather
 That's just a f***ing puddle!|    Again
    Why did Graham island disappear so quickly?|    It sank?
    The sea levels rose because of global warming, and ice caps and that kind of stuff|    Not that early
    Is it because it was andasitic or continental plate lava rather than oceanic plate lava, which is basaltic and very hard?|    Continental plate lava tends to dry as much softer rock so it was eroded much more quickly
    You're absolutely right, it was comprised of very loose volcanic eruption, and simply    disappeared into the ocean through erosion very quickly| Through wave action
    -- Sorry; that's amazing work|  -- Sorry guys
    Take the points| Take all of the points
    This one is mine    Stick a fork in this one: it's done|    And it eroded before anyone could work out who actually owned it
    But we had a flag!|    Sorry Eddie
    But Her Majesty's flag had been firmly planted atop, and somebody had opened a lovely bistro and restaurant(!|)    I like the idea that it is Her Majesty's flag, not the Union flag
 Just|    "This is mine
 F****** f*** off"    I'm glad you have read the official rules of engagement for claiming new land, which is that    one of you does dress up as Queen Victoria and say: "F****** f*** off"    Even if it's not England, still have to dress up as Queen Victoria    "I am not enjoying zis|"    France!
    There's another one at you!|    Lets talk about that conflict then
 Who else thought they might have sovereignty over it?|    Italy!
    But| is Italy existing at this point in time?
    There we go|    Sicilians, potentially
    That's a point| Yes
    The Kingdom of the Two Sicilies|    Where's the other one?
    In the very still Mediterranean, they thought there was another Sicily underneath|    They spent years tunnelling!
    Two Sicilies were  the island of Sicily and| what else?
    The bottom of Italy    Yes| Have a point
 Absolutely right|    The bottom half of what we'd now call Italy
    The bit they've managed to invade quite frankly|  Let's face it
    Yeah|    So did Italy just use to be the top half?
    All of Europe was just warring states for--    Well that's why they're just loose federations| As you know
 Switzerland is still a loose federation of states|    Yes
    The best one is of course the Helvetic Empire|    It was all kerned beautifully
    Well that's what I thought!| I went to Bern for a thing and on top of the big state building
    Is that the name of a place rather than fiery, burny|?
    Bern is a place|    It's called Bern because Bern in Swiss means bears    and they've got bears there still    in a bear enclosure    Amazing tourist attraction
    We've caught them all now, they're here    Have you been to Vauxhall?| Just asking
    In an enclosure(!|)    But, of course, the state building just says, and I didn't know it at the time, just said: Helvetica
    And my first thought-- I looked at it and went,  no it's not|    That's New Roman!
    So you got those states|  Other states that'd had a claim on it
?|    If it's in the middle of the Mediterranean    you've probably got any of the Mediterranean states that are around there or close by    England and Sicily
 Spain also said--    I like that| Anyone that was close by to the Mediterranean:    England
    We're on the map|    That's mine, that's mine    Wait: Gibraltar
    c|f
, claim on Gibraltar| We're totally near that(!
)    "I think you'll find that means we own this now|"    "We own the gate therefore we own--"    "What's that?
 What's that?| You can get in?
 Try it!|"    You now there's still massive fights    with, really fantastically petty, but oh my god still quite s*** scary fights between Spain and Britain over Gibraltar    Basically: not only just move towards a shipping vessel, trained weapons on it
    Like in that kind of "no, we're not joking    "if you don't turn around this one goes off    "and Bob here has got an itchy finger| He's not had a chance to use one of these for real
"    "He's not shot this since 1982 and he's bored|"    "And we all want to see the firework display!
"    "Turn around chappy|"    What I've learnt today is, that I know nothing about the history of Europe
    Do you know anything about the house of Bourbon?|    Is that the one that's in Milan?
 I'm probably wrong|    France
    Point| [ding]    Well said
    How wrong can I be everybody?|    European royal house of French origin
 What did they want to set up on this lump of volcanic rock?|    Distillery, if it's bourbon
    Fort!|    Hospital!
    A palace|    Leper colony
    You're all thinking way|    BUTLINS!
    Point!| [ding]    I wouldn't actually say it was a Butlin's
 Billy Butlin hadn't really come along and done that concept yet|    [French accent] Biilly Butliin
    But it's a holiday resort|    Is what we've got here
    Obviously Sicily had a different name for the island|    Barry
    Barry Island|    That actually is an island
 Aww!|    Oh yeah!
    Was it like "Giovanni"?|    Yeah, it was Giovanni's
    Too early|    Guiseppi
    They named it after their king, so it was going to be called, Ferdinandea|    Still marked on navigation charts, for many, many years
 Kind of stayed about eight meters below sea level|    For a long, long while
    What happened in 1987?|    It was kerploded on purpose, so it was less of a danger to shipping?
    Yeah| I'm going to give you a point for being
    Yeah!|    For being kerploded!
 [ding]    Kerploded by accident?|    Er, for sh*ts and giggles?
    Kerploded by mother nature?|    I'm going to give Gary [ding] the point by saying by accident
 What were they actually trying|    I can't believe I'm actually still saying the word kerplode
    What did -- what were they actually trying to kerplode?|    This was done, from the air, with a depth charge, in 1987
    Were they fishing?|    Not with a depth charge!
    They can't be depth charging a bloody submarine| That's an act of war
    Point!| [ding]    Not in the Libyan conflict or anything was it?
    Libya had submarines?|    In 1987 a US Air Force pilot, on a mission to bomb Libya, mistook the island for an enemy submarine
    And dropped depth charges on it|    In how many seconds would it have taken him to go, 'They got submarines?
 No| Pft, We'll leave it then
'    But also| no, no, no
 If he was on his way to bomb Libya, and he had depth charges|    They must have had submarines, otherwise why would he have been carrying depth charges?
    Otherwise he'd have hit it with a conventional bomb|    That's a fair point
 I can't dispute the logic there|    So there is
    Not a very wet country is it?|    No
    I've had a look while you guys were talking about that, at the citations and the references on that|    Was it needed?
    There is a bit of a dispute about this| It has been removed from the article a couple of times going
    "This is clearly an urban legend|"    But there's a reference in the Independent to it
 There's a reference in various other news sources|    All of them just saying, "this happened"
    And I'm wondering if that's actually true, or whether it's some local legend that's made the newspapers    Everyone's referenced each other|    Yeah
    That's why it doesn't quite make sense|    Yeah
 There's a slim chance he dropped a conventional bomb|    Or a massive chance, I think, as you say
    Yeah, it didn't actually happen|    The Independent says the Sun reported today
 The Sun says the Daily Mirror reported today|    The Daily Mirror went
 Yeah alright, er|    What happened today
 Somebody blew up a rock| Fantastic
    Fernando said he he's not there any more|    And from what we know
 The depth of this particular thing it would be eight meters|    Yes    You don't use a depth charge for eight meters
    No!| Otherwise I'd pull a gun and start shooting
    You throw bottles at it|    Where've you f------ gone?
    If you could depth charge at eight meters, you wouldn't have a boat any more|    You can flip the bird at eight meters
    Top Gun| Just go fly upside down, over the top of it
 Flip the bird on the way down|    You can make that reference now!
    I saw Top Gun last night for the first time in my life|    I saw a film today!
    God|    What happened in 2000?
    Someone put all the bits back together again|    I say it was un-bombed
 Erupted again|    Oh!
 I'll give you the point for that| It was close to eruption
    There was seismic activity|    (Groans)    # I'm on the cusp
    It wasn't quite there|    So what did Italy do?
    Because it's obviously not Sicily anymore, it's the nation of Italy| What did they do
    Surrendered!|    Italy
    Italy|    Went and parked up next to it, with a flag hung over the side of the boat, ready to go
    Ooh| A little bit further than that
    What?| Actually stood on it as it was
    Yeah, basically| Have a point
 [ding]    Actually, yeah, as it's going to be, erm|    Yeah, it's going to be an extrusion, isn't it?
    So the actual bubbly material is at the bottom| It's just pushing up the dried column
    Dried!| Cooled column
    Did they cap it so that it was above ground and then claim it?|    Chris, out of everyone was closest
 They sent a diver down and put a flag, under water, on it|    So then as, when it appeared
    Italy| I respect that
 That's pretty cool    As the Scrapheap Challenge of boats comes round the corner of the Mediterranean    Just an Italian, just waving|    [frustrated cry]    Right
 Erm,    Ah, by which point|    can we get funding for this?
 Because that's just such a brilliant denouement|    As the flag pops out
 Just as it gets above|    Just as they are about to start playing that really uppy downy Italian anthem that they've got
    Out comes the Union Jack|    [Cheering]    The Italian one just flutters off
    Sean Connery nods and drives away in his DB5 shaped boat|    No, if Connery did it, just as the Union Jack came out, another one
 a Scottish flag|    St Andrew's Cross
    See, what they should have done is just laser carved it in to the rock|    Hmmmm
    Argue with that!|    But!
 Erosion was a problem already|    As we have previously established
    He's right you know|    That have done stranger things, because they have all those bases out in the Pacific, haven't they, that are man made islands
    They could just sail in there, put some hoardings round it|    Pump the water out and start slapping concrete on this bastard, until it's actually big enough
    Compared to reclaimed stuff in Japan|    Do a Dubai on it
    Yeah!|    Do it in the shape of my face
    Have like a nose shaped volcano in the middle of it|    Well there's that one in Dubai, isn't there, where there's the guy's cut his name in canals
    Hasn't he?| That you can see from space
    And then reverted it|    They're not there any more
    They're cut in, and then somehow they got| not paved over, but reclaimed
    Because there's not much water out there, let's face it    If the island does rise again, it's almost certainly going to be within|    "THE ISLAND WILL RISE AGAIN!
"    Thank you|    If the island
 appears above the waves again, because of modern treaties|    Who will have rights to it now?
    Is it in international waters?|    No
 Not any more|    -- It's in territorial waters?
  -- Yes|    -- Is it Italian territorial waters?
  -- There we go|    -- It's Italy's
  -- Point| [ding]
 Simple as that|    "It's just a little island
 We're not going to have a big fight over it|"    Those are words that will get spashed over a paper in about five years time
    So they said 'It's yours'?|    I mean you could choose to interpret it as that
    Ooh, so it's, who gets there first?|    To the scrapheap!
    At the end of the show, congratulations Chris|    You win this week
 I think fairly clearly    Well I think Brannan put up a fight in the end|    It was close, it was close
    (It's mine|)    Congratulations, you win a patch of Somerset marshland,    that's been filled with oily fish,    that was previously owned by a documentary film maker and a white rapper
    Oh God|    Jesus
    Go on| Come on
    It's Michael Moore and Macklemore's mackerel moor|    You enjoy your time on that
    With that we say thank you to Chris Joel|    Woohoo!
    Gary Brannan|    Matt Gray
    Bye!|    I've been Tom Scott, we'll see you next time
    [Translating these subtitles?| Add your own credit here!
]  ♪ [Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries] ♪    [ Hovercraft noise ]    Nice!|  Hi, I'm Matt
  - And I'm Tom|    And this is the Park Bench
  - And you may have seen, you may not, given the    viewing figures, but you may have seen that the Bonus Material for this week's episode of Citation Needed    involved hovercraft|  - And before we go on, I'll just mention the background    noise is because this isn't a real bench in a real outside Christmas-y scene, we're actually in the YouTube space
    We're doing a cop-out bench because there's a bench here and it's really cold outside|    It's cold and it's rainy and it's terrible
 So while what you can see is this lovely Christmas grotto here,    if I just swing the camera round here, not trip over the tripod, as soon as we lose| Yeah
    Yeah, as soon as we walk out there, you can just see sort of a mildly themed café|    This bench
 you sit down on it| a little bit bouncy
  - Ooh, no, I don't want this to break|    Really?
!| It'd be good- Anyway, Hovercraft-  - Not had enough Christmas?
    Hovercraft|    Look at this!
    This started because you came up with a non sequitur about hovercraft in the middle of Citation Needed|    I think I can track where your brain went, from: you go to the Channel Islands on a ferry, sometimes that ferry    is a hovercraft
 Not there, but elsewhere in the country| Let's get on a hovercraft
    Was that, am I right there?|  - Yeah
    Okay| I just want to point out, that wasn't an edited together cut there, there are a lot of edit points in    Citation Needed, that wasn't one
 He just came out with hovercraft|    My brain works in mysterious ways!
 I don't know, I just suddenly got the urge| I got the, reminded myself that I'd    never been on one and I wanted to go on one
 I kind of forgot we were in the middle of Citation Needed and had    an audience in front of us| I just wanted to go on a hovercraft
    -And so did Gary and Chris| There was actually quite - I think I had to cut out another call back to that later in the    episode because it wasn't actually a joke or a fact
 It was just them repeating that they would at some point    like a go on a hovercraft|  - But he pulled through, and he sorted it out for us
    Yeah| I only realised that months later coming back to edit that episode, and realising    "Oh yeah, we should do that
" And it turns out you can just buy some time on a hovercraft|    Experience day kind of thing
    Yeah| Umm, so, I figured "Alright, well let's do that
" Booked it, admittedly for the middle of November    when it was really quite cold|    So if there's a time of the year that you want to be outside in the wind, on a thing that basically increases    the amount of wind
 and then you're on water as well, then November when it's really windy and    considering raining is the best time to do it (!|)  - Yep
    Somehow we lucked out with the weather, it was a beautiful day, but    -Bit breezy, but|    So we turned up to the place which is near Cambridge
 Met Gary and Chris off their train| Went
    I remember the access road to this| We'll get to the hovercraft later, but we're bumping along on this road    past a golf course, on a potholed track, in your car
 You know what would have been really useful for that?|    -It was the kind of road that a hovercraft is designed for!
 Did we go anywhere near it on a hovercraft?|    -No
  -No|    -It was a golf course full of geese as well
  - Yes it was| I didn't know geese played golf
    -No neither did I, but they seemed to be doing really well|    Birdie!
    I don't know what "Birdie" means, but I know it's a golf term|    It's one under par
 Two under par would've been an eagle, three would've been an albatross|    So what's a goose?
  - If your ball bounces off it, you'd still count|    Okay
  - Um, rules of golf there|    Hovercraft
    We've prepared nothing for this, it's less coherent than ususal|    We check in, we put on lifejackets, we meet
 No we didn't put on lifejackets| Not until the water bit
    We put on coats, because it was cold|  - Who?
 I can't remember-    Lee| Wondered out with us
 He told me he was called Lee, the others just followed me|    We just went for a walk with this bloke who turned up
    Yeah| Who fortunately turned out to be the hovercraft trainer, which was good
    I hadn't actually booked anything more than hovercraft experience| I just knew it was some kind of hovercraft    we'd be able to pilot it
 And I cannot remember the model number, I know we got told it, I can't remember it|    Did we?
  - Yeah|    I was too busy going "Hovercraft
"  It was a little orange one|    Yes, it was
    A medium sized orange one, I think|  - And we all got ten minutes on land,    and ten minutes on the sea
 Well, on lake|    All at separate times because there was one hovercraft and we were rotating, so-    And there was one Lee
  - Yes, there was only one Lee|    ♫ There's only one - ♫    I did look up to see if hovercraft racing was a thing we could do
 And it is!| There is competitive hovercraft    racing
  - You have to be very good at it to be able to do that|    Yes, you do
 And you have to be very good before they will let two people out in hovercrafts, at the same time,    near each other| Because it is not a dodgems track, it's not bumper cars
    Even though they kind of look like them, with the blue- Blue?| Blue?
 Black| I meant black, the black skirt
    I'm just getting some more snow ready, just in case| It's mutually assured snow destruction here
    So we took it in turns, Lee said "Who wants to go first?|" I had said "Me" before he had even finished the sentence
    Yes|  - So he stuck a helmet on me and headset and
    It was a wired headset, so you were both connected to a pack| He was wearing a
?|    Yes, he had something in his bum bag and, we could -  - Or as Americans would call it; a fanny pack
    Really?|  - Can't do an accent
 Don't know why I tried it|    Cause the things are really noisy
 You actually needed the ear defender headset things|    And you definitely need to hear Lee
 Because not all of us could pilot a hovercraft as well as Chris|    You were pretty good, I think
  - The thing he says, that he told us at the beginning is    to do it properly| It's really hard to gesticulate when you've got a handful of
    Yeah it is| I came off worse in that I'll be honest
 I think I mostly hit myself|    To be able to corner properly you need to lean with it
 It's sort of like riding a bike in that as well    as turning the steering wheel, leaning into the corner will help| And that kind of helps steer the arse round    because it's floating on a thing of air so it can spin in any direction
    Yeah| We were all at some point steering right and turning right, but going sideways as it were
    We're all just slaves to inertia|    We kind of were weren't we?
  - Yeah|    So we all each had a go
 We did some figure of eights around a lampost and a bin, I think|    You were pretty good at that
 I nearly hit the tyres once|  - You had to do an emergency stop
    I had to do an emergency stop| Which is quite rough in that because the emergency stop is    "I'm going to turn the throttle off"    But the same fan is powering both the skirt, and the direction
    So the way the hovercraft works is, it's a plank|  - It's a plank with a big fan on the end
    With a big fan on the back and then a skirt round the plank| There is just some mechanical
    Gubbins!|  - Gabroos!
    - Gubbins| Gubbins    Which will put like thirty per cent of the fan's blowy-ness downwards and the rest of it outwards
    And the downwards inflates the bag, and then you float above the bag of air|    But this means that if you need to take power off, you're also taking the skirt down a bit; that sounds wrong
    You're also dipping the hovercraft a bit|    So if you let go of the accelerator, you drop to the ground
 And you stop|    On land that's fine
  - In water, it gets very wet, very quickly|    You will float but you will also-  - Be very wet!
    For the rest of the journey you're going to be really low in the water and getting constant spray and going    at about ten percent speed| So when we're on the water, full throttle all the time
    And the other thing about emergency stops is Lee was standing behind us, he wasn't sitting down|    He could lean left and right
  - And you could see in the footage, how much he's    doing that, how much he's tapping us, particularly during the water run|    So if we're not leaning enough he has to lean more to do the leaning for us
    If we're leaning okay, he kind of just goes with it|    And having reviewed all the footage, me: quite a lot of leaning
 You: reasonable amount of leaning|    Gary: lot of leaning
 Chris| Lee is standing in the back-  - Arms crossed
    He's fine| By one lap
 Rap| One rap lound the - No
  - By one lap round the lake|    Thank you
 Chris is just absolutely nailing it every time|    I'm not at all envious
 Turns out Chris is good at stuff|    But if you do have to do an emergency stop and Lee is standing behind you, he will be standing on you
    If you don't warn him first|  - Yeah
    So you got your hovercraft ride| Two of them technically
 One on land, one on water|    We did the land bit, then we did the water bit
 But we start the water bit on the land|    And the thing that amazed me was the transition
 So you go down a little slope, you have to do it at full throttle,    and then you cross down the slope into the lake| And I was bracing for some kind of bump
    There was no bump in the slightest| It was smooth as anything
 And I was confused for half a second, thought    "Oh wait, that's the whole point of a hovercraft|"    I was expecting there to be like a little ground rush, or something like that, or that feeling of
    You just went down a bit of a hill, and then you carried on as if it was all smooth|    It was good fun though
  - You scared some swans|    The instruction for on the lake was, if there were birds in the way, was to "Just go straight at them
"    They're birds| They can fly
  - If they don't fly they can also duck|    I didn't mean that!
 But the ducks can go underwater|    So I know that Gary nearly decided to turn up to this in the third Doctor's outfit, from Doctor Who
    Because one of those episodes had a chase scene on a hovercraft| Because it was Doctor Who in the Seventies,    And hovercraft were still cool
  - Yeah, "Let's put him on a hovercraft|"    That makes no sense
 No one would chase us on a hovercraft, he's got a car| Hovercraft
    But that also includes a stunt where someone is run over with a hovercraft|    And I think Gary at some point was hoping he'd get to do that
    Aww|  - No
    But we had a good amount of time on the hovercraft|  - We did
    I'm glad we did it|  - We had the right amount of time on a hovercraft
    That's what I was going to say| That was just the right amount of time on a hovercraft
    'Cos Gary said when he came off, he was kind of-  - Yeah, his hands were aching from gripping the throttle a bit|    If there was more to do rather than just do laps round the lake and figure of eights around a small area,    then yeah, use it to go somewhere
 I was going to say "Have a pint, have a roast dinner|"    Which is what we'd've really wanted after that
 And then hovercraft back again, that'd be great|    But it was really cold and really windy, so we were a bit ready for the warm indoors of a pub
    Is it illegal to drive a hovercraft| To fly a hovercraft while drunk?
    I would expect so|    It's probably- No!
 It's drunk in charge of a motor vehicle, isn't it?|    It is a motor vehicle
 It has a motor and it's a vehicle|    You make an excellent point
 I withdraw my objection|    Would you want drunk
?|    You'd have them outside all pubs    for you to get home after a night out
    Pouring out of Oceana onto hovercraft on the way home  - But if you run someone over they'll be okay!|    Yes, but if you crash into your own house you won't
  - Fair|    Or a car
 Do you go down the pavement?|  - It's not bumper cars
    If you run someone over they're only fine if they're already lying down|    Oh yeah!
 Yeah, okay|    And if you're going at full throttle and you go "Oh I've run someone over," then you let go, you land on them
    This has taken a dark turn|  - It has
    Yeah, we went on a hovercraft|    We didn't kill anyone, it was fine
    We're terrible at endings slightly Matt| We should plan these things
    That place also does the water jet packs|    And I'm not saying that I'm going to book us all for a go in that, but I feel like I should try
    In the summer| Please in the summer
  This is the Technical Difficulties, we’re  playing ‘Citation Needed|’    Joining me today, he reads books y’know,  it’s Chris Joel
    “Hello, I’m Chris Joel,  Christ College Oxford,    reading references to surfing in the early  King James Bible|”    Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,  Gary Brannan
    So, the vicar, with a sickly smile,  shook hands with the monkey    and could never look a banana  in the face again|    And the bounciest man on the internet,  Matt Gray
    Hello, live studio audience!|    In front of me I’ve got an article from  Wikipedia and these folks can’t see it
    Every fact they get right is  a point and a ding,    and there's a special prize for particularly  good answers which is:    And today we are talking about Jack Churchill|    Is this the method by which one would raise  a wartime prime minister?
    I’m glad that’s the version of the verb  you went with there, Gary,    that could’ve been a lot worse|    I'll be honest, it was the flip of a coin  and I went with the clean one
    The thought of Churchill being raised  ever so slightly|    “Yes, you may check my undercarriage for  wear and tear
”    No, it’s for when he needs to seem more  authoritative|    “Oh s***, he’s a lot shorter than Stalin!
”    “We shall fight them on the beaches|”    “In the fields
  And in the street|”    - “Enough!
”  - “And in the treetops|”    I just like the idea that  Churchill is now just sat    about 6ft above everyone else in a chair that  he can’t possibly get down from
    At which point there’s a beeping noise and  Stalin comes in on a cherry picker|    It explicitly says, at the end of this article,    “Of no relation to Winston Churchill
”    Well, there you go, that’s our first five  minutes completely redundant|    Is it that nutter who tried to fight  World War 2 with a claymore?
    Episode over|    Sorry guys
    Goodnight, thank you very much for coming|    You say episode over, but there is a heck  of a lot more to this story going on here
    A claymore is a proximity triggered-    No, it’s a hand-and-a-half Scottish sword|    Oh, a sword?
    - Yes|  - Oh
    I mean, a claymore is a mine as well, but  this is-    Okay, a different type of claymore|    Yes, as in “Scottish Clans-man!
”    “I will see off the entire continent”  and that was basically his remit|    That was what he went into the war to do
    Wow|    Where do you think he was born?
    Not Scotland|    Not Scotland, you’re absolutely right, he  was born in Ceylon
    Okay, Sri Lanka|    Actually, you say drafted, he joined of his  own accord in the 1920s
    Mainly because there weren’t enough things  to cut up in Ceylon!|    Well, yes, he left the army in 1936
    Because there was not enough fighting|    He then worked as a few other things
    What might that be?|    One is a phrase I wouldn’t associate with  the 1930s,    of a job for a
 a strapping young lad|    - Chef
    - IT technician|    I was going to say…
    Operative of a mildly successful nail bar|    “A little bit off the top?
 Right!|”  "Whoa!
"    Male model|    - Really?
  - I can see that|    He also used his archery and bagpipe talents    to play a role in a film called  ‘The Thief of Baghdad
’    - Eh?|  - With bagpipes?
    With bagpipes|    ‘The Bagpipes of Baghdad’?
    Was it really ‘The Thief of Bagpipes’?|    He won second place in the military piping  competition at Aldershot Tattoo
    - But that was cake-making|  - Was that like cakes?
    Jinx!|    Are you going to ice a cake with bagpipes?
    Yes, you can do five bits at a time if you  blow hard enough|    He also represented Britain at the  World Archery Championships
    With the sword?|    Where he also used the bagpipes
    No, this was a longbow|    Of course, it would be
    The Second World War breaks out…|    And he decides not to bring the longbow because  it’s impractical
    Wrong|    Really?
    He brought the longbow?|    “Hi, can I help?
    I’ve got one of these!|”    He really was going to party like it was 1399  wasn’t he?
    He was with the Manchester Regiment in France  and ambushed a German patrol|    How did he give the signal to attack?
    Did he just scream and run?|    Not this time
    I’m going to give you the point  because, yes,    he did that plenty of other times but not  this specific time|    He was in command of the troops,    how did he give the signal to attack?
    Did he have his bagpipes with him?|    A quick parp on the high notes, yeah
    With the drone beneath|    That’s not the skill he used here
    Flaming arrows!|    I’m going to give you the point,    he killed an enemy sergeant with the longbow
    Oh boy!|    Not with the arrow, with the bow
    Yeah, with the stringy bit first|    Like cheese wire
    To use the technical term,  "the stringy bit of the bow"|    The last recorded person ever killed during  wartime with a longbow and arrow    was that German sergeant
    Now, I’ve just noticed something,    this man seemed to have a penchant|  is that the word?
    For running into battle and screaming|    He managed to go into several battles…
    Many battles|    Without dying?
    Yes|    Yeah, but with the longbow you are quite a  way back
    Norway, 1941, landing craft on a raid on a  German garrison|    I mean, paint me a picture
    What…|?
    I’m thinking night-time, I imagine|    Now, you see,    it’s the point of when he starts playing  the bagpipes
    “Franz, vat is zat coming from over ze ocean?|”    Sorry, worst accent in the world there
    And the wheel spins and lands on Norway!|    Would that be the Boulogne part of Norway  you’re doing there?
    Yes, it’s the German garrison out of France|    Fair play
    Would you do it over the ocean    or would you wait until the landing craft  had silently approached the beach    with the whistle of the wind through the trees    as the clank of the metal as it hits the beach,  suddenly…|    You’re nearly right
    Yes, he leapt forward from his position,  playing on his bagpipes,    before throwing a grenade  and running into battle|    This man is a hero!
    Oh, if you’re going to do anything|    Just the thought, just to be inside his head    as he approached the beach with the bagpipe  ready to go    and the grenade pin in his hand thinking,    “Yeah, we’re going to do this
”    Again!|    “This is my time”, for the fifteenth time
    If that was me I’d pull the pin,  drop the bagpipe,    and then there'd just be a parpy explosion|    You say he threw a grenade, did it hit anything  or did he throw it by mistake?
    It’s not recorded here, I don’t know|    What a hero
    So we’ve had France, 1940, Norway, 1941,  where was he in 1943?|    Italy
    Correct|    He’s got some good airmiles hasn’t he?
    Did they drop him in?|    Not sure you get airmiles  on the army’s flights
    I’ve seen a video of a bagpiper in a parachute|    It was…
    That was so close|    I’m going to drink that later, go on…
    It was in the ’70s|    Basically the ‘One Show’ of the ’70s,  ‘Nationwide’, did a segment,    and I don’t know why because I’ve only  seen the clip itself
    There’s a bagpiper, a low altitude plane,    he’s got the parachute on one of those cords  that triggers it-    Static lines|    Jumps out, starts playing ‘Scotland the  Brave’ on the way down
    It’s great because he gets in, he gets the  drone on|    ♪ Na na na-na na na na ♪    But then it hits the ground
    And he cannot do a landing and hold onto the  bagpipes at the same time|    No he can't, you’ve got to flare, you’ve  got to pull down both straps and…
    If that’s the technical term, so be it|    But all I heard was  ♪ na na-na urrrk urrrrrrk ♪    as he got dragged along  by the wind on the floor,    the mournful parp of an emptying bagpipe
    A mournful parp of a bagpipe!|    This, sadly, was not a parachute
    This was a landing site|    Was this, again, the same as Norway,  yet slightly sunnier?
    This was the same as Norway,  yet slightly more|    Ohh…
    What hasn’t he used?|    Whoa, he has his bow as well?
    Yes, he had the broadsword, the longbow and  the bagpipes|    And the grenade?
    It doesn’t say|    He’s like the people  you get in computer games
    “It’s funny because you could never carry  all of these!|    “How is he carrying all of these?
    “Where did he get that from?|    “He was holding a sword a minute ago!
”    And playing the bagpipes which, again,    is a two-handed instrument, let’s not forget|    How fantastic would it be if he just had a  batman though?
    Going back another 50 years where you’d  just have a gentleman’s gentleman with you    and just take him on the battlefield,    “Broadsword if you would, Jeeves|”    “Yes, Sir
”    “He’s a little way off| Longbow
 Thank you|    “No, nothing’s happening
    “Bagpipes, we’ll sound some more|”    “Number three wood for the grenade
”    “Might I suggest the pitching wedge, Sir,  they’re awfully dug in|”    Oh, I was thinking more cricket bat
    Pitch her up| Thock!
    Going full zombie into battle!|    I seem to recall someone saying that the effective  range of a grenade    is further than you can throw it
    Right, so you do need something like a bat  behind it then?|    Or you need to chuck it into somewhere and  move out
    - You’re chucking it, I’m running away|  - I’ve got the bagpipes
    Do you want to bat a grenade?|    Yes, I reckon I would
    “Oh| wait, no!
”    Extra second on the detonator just for the  pitch up|    If you miss it you’re in trouble
    Look, I didn’t say this wasn’t one for  the courageous soldier did I?|    He infiltrated the town…
    Playing the bagpipes|    Not they, he
    Hang on, infiltration and this man don’t  sound like words that go together|    He was ordered to capture a  German observation post
    How did that go?|    Er, surprisingly well?
    Yes, I’ll give you the point, he captured  42 prisoners|    F***!
    No one tried to shoot the bagpipes?|    I’d be honest, it’s not the first thing  you’d- well, I don’t know
    It depends how anti-bagpipe you are|    If I was there that would be  the first thing I’d go for
    You’ve got three bullets, what do you shoot?|    The bagpipes three times
    I can just see the bullet going through and,    “Ye shot my pipes|  Now I’m angry!
”    He wasn’t Scottish!|    I’m going to point this out
    He wasn’t Scottish|    Yeah, but they wouldn’t know that
    He was captured-    Yes|    Was he?
    Do you know the story there?|    I can only presume that he was captured,  went along willingly,    beat all the guards at chess and poker,    drank the camp commandant's rum,    then dug his way out with his teeth while  the commandant was passed out,    chewing on broken glass  and spitting it at guards    before having relations with the entire  female population of the nearest town,    lighting a cigarette on the ground,  not even using a match,    flipping the V and then walking into camp  and saying,    “What have you f***ers been doing?
”    Tom…|    Just as a guess(!
)    Tom, please ding,  for the love of God please ding|    It’s not even close but I’m going to give  him a point for it
    Crawled under the wire,  through an abandoned drain    and tried to walk to the Baltic coast|    Ended up being recaptured, escaped again,    walked 93 miles to Verona in Italy and met  the Americans there
    I bet they were delighted to see him(!|)    Then continued and went to Burma
    Arriving in 1957|    By the time he’d got there what had happened?
    Was the war over?|    Yes, absolutely right
    Oh|    That must’ve been very  disappointing for him
    I’m going to quote here, “If it wasn’t  for those damn Yanks,    “we could’ve kept the war going  another 10 years|”    See what you did!
    You ruined that man’s 1940s|    Wow, that is an insight  into his mind isn’t it?
    Yes|    Hang on a minute,  I want to ask you a genuine question,    what the frig did he do after the war?
    Because he is tooled up and angry|    Him on the checkout in Sainsbury’s!
    No, he walked back from Burma to Korea|    When that was over he walked to Vietnam
    The answer is, and I’m giving you  a retroactive point here Gary…|    Oh, respective pointage!
    Because you’ve already said the word,    what did he qualify as in the army?|    Supermarket
?|    I can’t remember what I said!
    “You are now a  professional supermarket, sir|    “Well done
”    Where did that come from?|    Because I think he said, “Imagine him in  the supermarket”    and that’s all that was there,    for that brief second, the word ‘supermarket’
    Supermarket|  He became a Londis, that’s what happened
    Pick a word, any word!|    He was pulling bottles of wine out from under  the kilt that he’s not wearing
    Nail bar?|!
    Parachutist|    Oh
    There are stories of him  assisting a medical convoy,    coordinating evacuations,  all sorts of things like that,    and then, coming back to England,    went back and made  another appearance in a film|    Was he in a Bond film?
    No, he was in ‘Ivanhoe’|    What did he appear as?
    A bagpipe|    Close
    A longbowman|    Yes, absolutely right
    What skill did he pick up in late 1950s Australia?|    Boomerang wanging?
    No, no, no, because|    Wanging being a very specific word there
    I think that 'that action'  could conceivably be called a wang|    Technically it’s 'boomerwanging'
    No, a wang is underarm isn’t it?|    As in 'welly wanging'
    Ah…|    Definition of the wang there everyone
    The phrase 'welly wanging' was just lost on  half the audience|    Gumboot throwing if you are  from the home counties
    Don’t they have the word welly?|    I don’t know
    It’s a wellington isn’t it?|    As in, after Wellington,    but it also brings me back to the excellently-named    1980s computer company from Oxfordshire, Wang
    Oxford United, in the 1980s, were sponsored  by Wang|    So, on the front of their shirts, for years  and years,    was the word Wang, repeatedly
    Late 1950s Australia,  what was being developed there?|    Surfing
    Yes, absolutely right|    He became passionate and, I’m quoting here,    “Passionate devotee of the surfboard,    “one of the first people in Britain to surf
”    And, specifically, one of the first people  in Britain to surf what?|    Severn Bore
    Point, you’re absolutely right|    That’s the tidal river thing isn’t it?
    Yes, the tidal surge|    Yes, there is a single tidal wave    that on particularly strong tides rolls up  the River Severn
    And nowadays it’s filled with surfers and  boats and drones flying overhead|    It was just this guy on a surfboard
    One pissed off guy from Ceylon,  playing the bagpipes,    swinging a claymore round his head,    having finally conquered another element|    Imagine opening your curtains and…
    “Can you hear bagpipes?|”  “I can’t hear bagpipes
”    “That’s completely impossible by this  placid River Severn    “with the occasional| oh, sweet Georgia
”    “Daaaaagh!|    “Bristol, you’re mine!
”    Did he end up declaring war on himself?|    In retirement, it says, his-    Retirement!
    As if he’s going to retire!|    How is this man going to retire?
    “…|his eccentricity continued
”    No way!|    You’d have thought he’d have settled down
    People, when they hit their retirement, they’re  usually so placid|    I’ve seen ‘Last of the Summer-’    Was he doing ‘Last of the Summer Wine’  only with claymores?
    Bathtub|    “Aaaagh!
”    He startled train conductors and passengers-    How?|    By throwing his briefcase out of the train  window each day on the ride home
    Why?|    Did he try and get it in  one of the Post Office nets    for the Travelling Post Offices?
    The what?|    The way they used to pick up mail  in ye olden days,    not the olden days but the days of Travelling  Post Offices,    you would have a hook  by the side of the railway line
    They would dangle a bag full of mail,    at which point the carriage  would come towards it,    it had a bit of sticky out net that would  be dropped out at exactly the right moment,    would hit the hook, the mail bag would drop  into the net    and be sprung into the carriage,    at which time another hook would be slung  out from the train    with another bag of mail that would be dropped  in the same location, like that|    Wow
    Precise timing and speed and location|    In such a way that they don’t have to stop  to pick up the mail and drop the mail
    - Exactly, it just goes|  - The train goes…
    And then the post has happened!|    And then the letters be(!
)    This is the night mail, crossing the border|!
    Well, that’s the noise of it isn’t it?|    And suddenly, bag
    And in this case, briefcase and claymore,    and angry man from Ceylon|    He wasn’t trying to get it on the mail pole
    He was aiming for a specific target|    His garden?
    Oh, that is amazing|    I want to do that on the way home
    It doesn’t quite work in the tube but…|    I was going to say
    I was going to say, which really sucked when  he moved to London|    He lived to the age of 90
    I’m not surprised, who could kill him?|    Death just walked away
    He died in 1996    and was later named one of the finest explorers  and adventurers of all time|    By himself
    By the Royal Norwegian Explorers Club|    At the end of the show, congratulations Chris,    you obviously win this one, for the
    Yes, you won this one 30 seconds in|    “Is that the madman with the claymore?
”    Yes, yes it is, that’s absolutely right|    I’m going to say that’s up there as a  record, it really is
    Congratulations, you win two words mixed together    by the actor who played Padme  in the ‘Star Wars’ prequels|    No!
    It’s a 'Natalie Portmanteau'|    I like that
    With that we say thank you to Chris Joel|    Thank you
    To Gary Brannan|    To Matt Gray
    I’ve been Tom Scott and we’ll see you  next time|  This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed
    Joining me today - he reads books you know - it's Chris Joel!|    No letters once more
    The bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray!|    Hello!
    And everybody's favourite Gary Brannan: Gary Brannan!|    Accompany me into the inner reaches of Dale Winton
    In front of me, I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [ding]    And there's a special prize for particularly good answers is|    Think I've set a personal best there
    Today we are talking about The Jimmy Carter Rabbit Incident|    Oh brilliant!
 Giant, swimming rabbit [ding] attacks Jimmy Carter [ding]    whilst fishing [ding]    Ha!|    Right, that's it, we can go home, we can go home
    Personal best| Right, see you everybody,    That's us done for the day
    Were you both going for that?|    Did you beat Gary to that?
    Yeah|    It's one of my few, sort of, extra super special bits    of weird general knowledge and I knew Brannan'd know it as well
    You know what, I didn't actually, so well played|    I genuinely thought you'd beaten him to the punch there    Well I thought I -    No, I was going to make up some schtick    but the point is, what I was going to make up weren't too far from the truth, fact is
    I mean, obviously you've won, but -    Obviously this show is now entirely redundant for you, the viewer,    I mean, this is the way we should have done them all along -    Let's explore this because there's quite a lot to go on here|    What do you know about this?
    Ostensibly, an enormous rodent swimming across a lake to Jimmy Carter--    who's fishing in this little sort of boat about the size of our table|    - US President Jimmy Carter -    He's up at whatever the country retreat is    and this thing just sort of gets up on the back end of the boat    and he's wailing on it with the oar
    It was a swamp rabbit, swamp hare|    Of course - only in America would they call it a "swamp rabbit"    give it the real, dangerous edge it obviously needs
    It's a large, cotton tailed rabbit| It's a big thing
    Looks about like that|    Essentially, it's still a rabbit though, yeah?
    Yeah| That can swim!
    But it's got big nasty pointy teeth and it can jump through about-    Okay, it can swim, that's one thing| If it had its own kayak, I'd be more worried, let's face it
    No no, it's much harder to get out of a kayak into another boat --    The rabbit can use a kayak, but it's on attack mode, you know|    So we've got an amphibious rabbit attack as well
    I can imagine it just whittling away|    It only didn't use its torpedos because, you know,    there's only one of 'em
 I can take him hand-to-hand|    And it'd get launched backwards!
    In the middle of this lake, a log-made submarine just pokes the conning tower above the surface|    The top unscrews - donk!
 - out comes a rabbit in a naval uniform|    "Fire!
" "Sir, it's ungentlemanly to torpedo our president without giving him prior warning|"    "F*** it, I'll take it meself then!
"    And that was the problem| The problem was --    Dagger in his mouth
 Aaah!|    -- what was a fairly mundane story, is really funny when you start riffing on it
 And everyone did|    This is very funny anyway, because let's face it,    It's a president being attacked by a f------ great rabbit, I mean, that's got --    Can you imagine, just, translating it here?
    Gordon Brown is out one day, I don't know, cycling along the road    a sheep gets out and whales the s--- out of him| I'm sorry, I'd watch that day and night!
    What was the president's side of the story?|    The left hand side
    He was out there fishing in a peaceful fashion|    Maybe those things he did against the rabbits in his time in office came back to bite him on the ass quite literally
    No, he said the rabbit had good reason for being in a panic and jumping away|    Was it being chased by a crocodile?
    It's being chased by something|    FBI agents, there to escort the president
    A court order|    Hounds, but I'm gonna give you a point for "being chased" there, Matt [ding]
    Okay, okay| So the rabbit's being hunted, and he's running away
    Yup, and he said,    "Swam toward my boat, when he almost got there, I splashed some water with a paddle|"    That is Jimmy Carter's side of the story
    I was gonna say, that sounds very much like one side of the story in any incident|    "So I'm innocently on the water, I just splashed me paddle, next thing I know he's on me!
"    Turns out he called his mum a ****** or something while he was coming over|    What did Carter's staff say about this when he got back to his office?
    -- The staff, as in the oar?|  -- No
    "Ha ha, hahahahahahaha, boss, you got your ass kicked by a rabbit|"    No
    Nothing!| They were mute
    Because they too were rabbits| Tinfoil hat
    Yeah, giant rabbit conspiracy tried to take over the giant lizard government of the world|    Exactly, inside job man
 Inside job|    No, um --    Rabbits can't cut through steel beams
    Um, rabbits can't what?|    Cut through steel beams
    Um, replace -    Swim!|    Thank you!
 Have a point| They insisted rabbits couldn't swim
    Well, I think they just got called bull---- on that one!|    Yeah, well, no one believed him apart from then the incident was captured --    -- on literally - there's video
    Puts on tinfoil hat| "How convenient
"    "There just happened to be a camera there when the rabbit attacked the president|"    False flag, people!
 False flag!| They set it up!
    There was a second rabbit behind the Grassy Knoll!|    Firing his torpedos
    Yes, there was a second rabbit, in the submarine!|    You can only just make out the picture 'cause they haven't got very good steadycam
    When you say footage, it is just a photo|    Hang on a sec
    Rewind| Grassy knoll - is a small little hill is it not?
    It is|    What would live inside a small little hill?
    -- Teletubbies!|  -- Teletubbies!
    Yeah, Teletubbies killed Kennedy, that's where I was going with this|    Nunu's about to be very naughty
    I've got the thought that the Lee Harvey Oswald footage being re-cut now for Tinky-Winky, being pulled out    being pulled out as Po jumps out|    "This president - is tubby-toast
"    Meanwhile, the rabbits, who are behind all this s---    -- Oh, God!|  -- they're still on the Grassy Knoll!
    "Excellent," they cried|    -- Theme from Watership Down plays
 The end|  -- Yup
    But in a minor key, just to make it a little bit more evil|    More evil than Watership Down?
!|    Yeah
    Obviously, the president did not mention this to reporters    because "I got chased by a rabbit and had to splash it away" is not a good PR story|    How did it leak?
    Rabbits did it|    Conspiracy
 It's a rabbit conspiracy|    Well how did the boat leak?
 I think a rabbit took a big friggin' chunk out of it by the sound of it|    Well if someone photographed it
    The White House press photographer| Official
 It wouldn't have gotten out of there|    When they got it developed, the developer saw it
    No, so it's - the press secretary just kinda told a reporter about it|    'Cause it is quite funny
    It is quite funny,    and the reporter promptly filed that with a wire service, and the story, "President attacked by rabbit,"    promptly appeared on the Washington Post|    I could absolutely see David Cameron getting
    Oh yeah| The thing is, they hadn't released the photo    because they didn't want the photo of the president hitting the rabbit to
    So what was on the front of the Washington Post?|    A cartoon - an artist's impression
 [ding]    Yes, you're getting the point straight away, but bear in mind, this is 1979|    What would've happened in 1979?
    What pop culture thing would they have used for President attacked by rabbit?|    Disco, or something like that?
    It's a film|    Star Wars?
    No|    Not '77, but - '77, '81
    About attacks from the water|    Close Encounters of the Third Kind!
    Oh, that's a|!
    It's wrong|    -- Gnaws!
  -- Jaws!|    That, yeah, I'll give you the point there
    It was - It was "Paws"| But it was the Jaws poster with a rabbit instead
    Fair enoughski|    The White House didn't release the photo until, I quote here, "it 'turned up' during the Reagan Administration
"    Filed under "rabbits, lol" in a filing cabinet|    Reagan quickly used it as propaganda to go and invade the rabbit nation
    Yes, obviously|    Mr
 Rabbit, tear this warren down!|    It played into this idea that Carter's presidency was hapless, was feeble,    was someone who could be taken down by a rabbit
    But it's not the only article here listed under "Jimmy Carter, incident"|    So fill in the blank, what's the other weird thing that happened to Jimmy Carter during his presidency?
    Well, it didn't come out during his presidency|    It actually happened in 1969
    Was it food?| Was it a sandwich incident?
    No!| No, you might be thinking of George HW Bush throwing up in the Japanese prime minister's lap
    That was something that happened|    He was governer of Georgia in 1969
    Oh it's a funny thing, though?|    Oh, no, I wouldn't go with funny
 I would go with spooky|    Ghost!
 Witch!|    Sasquatch!
    UFO|    Ohh baby
 Brilliant|    The Jimmy Carter UFO incident, sits quite nicely next to the Jimmy Carter rabbit incident
    And the two aren't linked?| Tinfoil hat
    Apparently not| Jimmy Carter saw an object that was bright white,    about as bright as the moon, and 30 degrees above the horizon
    -- Was it the moon?|  -- Was it the moon?
    Now, you say that, um|    "It was as big as the moon, where the moon should be!
    "And it looked a little bit like the moon!|"    "But it was in the way of the moon!
 I couldn't see the moon!|"    "I couldn't see the moon, for the big white moon thing in front of the moon!
"    Well, apparently it changed color to blue, then red, then white|    The reflection of America, in the sky!
    Did you just hit yourself really hard there?|    -- Really quite hard
  -- Well, quite hard|    It sounded like it hurt!
    About 20 people unable to work out what a mysterious light could be|    Crash zoom
 Rabbit|    With a red torch
    Yeah|    Going "hahahahahahaha"!
    "This'll **** 'em up!| Hahaha!
"    What is the most likely explanation?|    What do you see near the horizon that's frequently mistaken for a UFO?
    Venus|    Point!
 [ding]    Absolutely right| Jimmy Carter said he did not believe the object was Venus
    What, did he think it was his plane or something?| Oh, he wasn't president by this point
    -- "You're late!|"  -- Yeah
    He thought it might be a helicopter or something like that|    With a rabbit in it
    But what did he say during his election campaign, what did he tell reporters?|    What did he do?
    "If I find out I was probed by aliens, I'll let you know|"    That's technically true
 [ding]    "If I become president, I'll make every piece of information this country has    about UFO sightings available to the public|"    Did he?
    Well, there weren't any|    "No, definitely not
"    Yes, if you were in on the conspiracy, and a president coming in said,    "I'm gonna make this conspiracy public,"    would you let them in on the conspiracy?|    Or would you show them the empty filing cabinet that says,    "Evidence for UFOs", hastily written on the front
    And, before that, said, "Evidence for rabbit conspiracy"|    What did he say was the reason that he wasn't actually going to make every one of the UFO -    "Truth?
!| You can't handle the truth!
"    You know what, I'm going to give you the point| [ding]    Defense implications
    So the last one's "fill in the blanks" here|    The George H
 W| Bush *blank* incident?
    Sandwich|    Vomiting, but yeah I'll give you that
    It was at a formal dinner| [ding]    The Bill Clinton *blank* controversy?
    Monica Lewinsky?|    No, haircut!
    What?|!
    Oh come, we've gone from "man attacked by rabbit" to "man spews on diplomat" to "man has trim"|    Man has trim while in Air Force One and grounding other planes, allegedly
    Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!|    The Dick Cheney *blank* incident?
    -- Dick|  -- Hunting people
    Quail!|    Hunting, yes
 You can all have a point for that one| [dings]    I said "dick"!
    I got a point for saying "Dick Cheney dick incident"!|    I
 may not have been paying attention there|    Technically he's right, because Dick Cheney was involved in this
    I thought you were going to say Dick Cheney was a dick!|    -- Also - also true
 opinion|  -- Opinion
    And finally, the *blank* of Caerbannog|    -- Cave
  -- Rabbit?|    Point
 [ding]    Absolutely right, it's the one from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"    and it's listed as a related article|    Yes!
    Chris, obviously you win this week's show|    because you knew about it and gave everyone the first few answers!
    So congratulations to you, you win permission to dress up as a famous frog and go hide in a cave|    It's a hermit Kermit permit
    So do enjoy that|    [in Kermit's voice] "Yay, let's get out of here!
"    Yay!|    You are dressed appropriately, so with that -    "Miss Piggy!
"    We say thank you to Chris Joel!|    Matt Gray!
    Gary Brannan!|    I've been Tom Scott; that has been
 this run of Citation Needed!|    Thank you very much!
 We will see you next time!|    [Translating these subtitles?
 Add your name here!|]  This is the Technical Difficulties,  we’re playing Citation Needed
    Joining me today: he reads books, y'know,  it’s Chris Joel|    “Hello!
”    Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,  Gary Brannan|    ♫ I-i-if women like that like men like those,  then why don’t women like me?
 ♫    Singing(!|)    And the bounciest man on the internet,  Matt Gray
    Howdy, YouTube!|    - Oh!
  - Nice| Nice
    In front of me I’ve got an article from Wikipedia  and these folks can’t see it|    Every fact they get right is  a point and a ding    and there's a special prize for particularly  good answers which is
    And today we are talking about John Stonehouse|    Did he live in a greenhouse?
    Completely against type|    Now's when you ding, Tom(!
)    No| I can’t give you that
    Am I close?|    No
    In any way?|    No
    Was he| a bricklayer?
    Stone House?| No
 No he wasn’t|    He did go to work in a House, and there’s  a capital H in that
    A House of something|    Cards
    Fun|    Ill repute
    I mean, you’re pretty close with  House of Cards|    Parliament
    Yes, have a point|    - Oh!
  - Yay|    Born in Southampton, educated there and at  the London School of Economics
    So was he not a politiciser?|    And then he went into politics, as the  Labour Cooperative Member of Parliament
    So he owned some small supermarkets(?|)    Erm, sort of
    Did you hear that?| Clunk-clunk-clunk-clunk!
    “Archivist gear engaged|    “Everybody else shut up, I know the answer
”    I don’t!| But you do still have  Cooperative Labour MPs
    In what sense?|    They don’t sit at the back going,  “F*** no
    “It’s bollocks, we’re not doing it|”
    Pretty much|    He worked very closely to the  Foreign Office
    There was the Foreign Office, the Home Office,  the India Office and then another one|    Commonwealth
    Ooh, no…|    No, it’s pre-Commonwealth
 Empire?|    Halfway between the two
    Com-pire|    Places We Stole Office
    Yes, it’s the Colonial Office, so yes, I will  give you the point for that, absolutely right|    Yes, he became Minister for State for Technology  and then took a role…
    Was he going around people’s houses trying  to sell cable?|    You never had that?
    Not from the Colonies Office, no!|    He moved on from there, this was
    You said technology, I don't for|    I know nothing about politics or other countries!
  I've got to go somewhere|    I’ve just realised that
    Would you like some Colonial Cable?|    I’ve just realised, we’ve not actually  touched on telegraphs yet    and we have to do that at least once or twice  a seas…
    Oh, f*** off!|    Yes, he became Minister for State for Technology,  but that meant he then transitioned into what?
    And this was in charge of telecommunications  as well as telegraphy, everything like that|    - Post Office
  - Postmaster General|    You’re both getting the point
 He was the  Postmaster General of the United Kingdom|    Hell of a title, that
    Yes| He was also the last Postmaster General  of the United Kingdom
    Oh God, what did he do?|    Nothing, they’ve just all been  really specific since
    (Yes!|)    Sorry, Matt!
    Specific|    Oh…
    Anything that has General on the end  sounds great, anyway|    He oversaw the jamming of something
    A marmalade factory|    There’s this sort-of jam war going on where  they just…
    He’s holding toast at the other end|    That’s Wallace and Gromit, isn’t it, actually?
    We must stop this terrible conflict|    to preserve life
    Ohhh!|    Even the audience was  half-hearted on that one
    Wouldn’t want people to end up marmalised|    1970, he oversaw the jamming of something
    ’70?|    1970
    - Is it pirate|  - Pirate radio!
    Yes| I’ll give you the point there,  specifically what, where’s it coming from?
    - Luxembourg?|  - North Sea?
    You’re thinking Radio Luxembourg but no,  you’re absolutely right, it’s off in the North Sea|    This was one of the Radio Carolines
    - Oh!|  - Was it?
    You see I didn’t say that because  I thought it was a leading question    and it would be wrong|    Yes, but this isn’t QI!
 You’re allowed  to go for that answer here|    Awooga!
    So he jammed Radio Caroline and part of the  response to that    was that Radio Caroline did what?|    Jammed them right back
    No, that actually would be| not illegal,  but it certainly would be, I think,    a declaration of war if you do that to a country
    And when it comes to boats we’ve probably  got the bigger shooty ones in town|    We might have slightly more
    Because Caroline was on and off for a bit|  So was it off for a bit?
    It was, they tried to overcome the jamming,  obviously,    what were they sending back over the airwaves?|    Swear words
 Filthy streams of invective…|    They could have done, they were offshore
    Don’t forget Radio Caroline wasn’t illegal,    they just made it so that any British person  associating with it was breaking the law|    “Vote for the other ones
”    Yes, absolutely right, they went political    and they started broadcasting pro-Conservative  propaganda back at them|    Sorry!
 Pirate radio station broadcasting  pro-Conservative messages?|    Let that sink in for a minute
    “Vote Tory!|”    Yeah, you wouldn’t get that  these days would you?
 Blimey|    No, there’s no pirate radio stations!
    - There are|  - Oh, there are
    I was going to say, presumably you have deal  with those, Matt|    Yes, they interfere over the broadcasts that  we are trying to make at work
    And then we report them to OFCOM and then  they find them    and say no, you’re being naughty, please  don’t do that|    When you said deal with them, that suggested  you somehow    went round at night and dealt with them
    With a baseball bat|    Matt Gray does have a black ski-mask and an  awful lot of black turtlenecks
    A van just comes out of the OFCOM offices  with you guys in|    John Stonehouse, still in charge of post and  telecommunications in the 1970s, introduced what?
    It’s not stamps or anything because they’re  already there|    Oh, it is
    - Is it stamps?|  - Second-class
!|    Is it second-class stamps?
    Absolutely right, first and second-class stamps|  These all seem…
    (You f***er!|)    
fairly normal| In 1970 he was setting up  various companies, having things on the side
    By 1974 most of these were in financial trouble|    What did he decide to do?
    Print himself a whole book of stamps  as legal tender    and pay off his debts with  a massive box full of stamps|    That would have been a better plan than the  one he actually had
    Issue a single £150,000 stamp on the quiet  to a collector|    Also a better plan than what he did
    Jesus Christ!| Rob a bank
    With stamps|    Hang on, did he invent selfie stamps,    where you could send in a selfie and you’d  have your own stamp?
    He didn’t set up his pirate radio station  did he, playing pro-Tory propaganda?|    He’s in deep financial trouble here,    he’s doing creative accounting so he’s  going to be going to jail
    Did he disappear?|    Oh, a little bit more than that
    Is he…|?
    Did he fake his death?|    Yes, he did
 He faked his…|    Is he one of these clothes on the beach guys  and disappears?
    Spot on| Exactly right, he faked his death,  November 1974,    leaving a pile of clothes on a Miami beach
    Whose clothes?|    His clothes
    Where was he actually going?|    Cuba!
    Australia|    That’s a long swim
    You’re one better than me, I was going to  say a long walk    which would have been quite stupid|    Well, swimming it naked,  he’s going to get cold
    He is| Maybe he slathered himself  in goose fat beforehand
    And, hell, he’s going the wrong way round,  he should have gone from LA|    Yeah, the man’s a fool
    Goose fat is what you use,  I’m right aren’t I?|    That’s what you use for cross-channel swimming
    Yes, when you’re swimming from Miami to  Australia, that’s what you use|    Goose fat, yes
    Most people use their arms and legs|  Gary, goose fat
    -“It’ll be fine!|”  - Just bobs around
    “Gary, there’s a breaker|”    “It’s fine, the goose fat'll save me!
”    Ejecting it from behind,  like propulsive goose fat|    Hey, a goose gives out a lot of fat, you know
    He’s just leaving this greasy trail on the  ocean as he goes|    “Gary Brannan’s greasy ocean trail
”    Hell of a series|    I once did a goose at Christmas  and it put out
    A single goose-- now in all fairness I got  it from a budget supermarket    so it may not have been the very best of geese,  let’s be honest|    Budget supermarkets sell geese?
    For a tenner!|    Yes, they just get them from the local pond,  and you know…
    Ask no questions, tell no lies|  That’s the way I looked at it
    But I did, and it pumped half a litre of fat|    It didn’t even drip out, it literally just  leaked fat
    You know those things when you get oil wells  and there’s a gusher…|    “Goose fat, we’re rich!
 Ah, I'm greasy|”    “Quick take me to the Channel!
  This is my only chance!|”    “White gold!
”, he cried|    Did it deep fry itself?
 Half a litre?|    It just
 you put it on an angle to let it  all drain out    and it just kept coming and coming and coming|    It was a whole big mincemeat jar that big  was nearly full of goose fat
    No man in the world can eat that much  roast potatoes, is what I’ve found|    Sorry, can I just point out:    mincemeat jar full of goose fat, that’s  quite a northern thing to say…
    So yes, Stonehouse, meanwhile|  Stonehouse was
 I’m just trying to pull this back|    It was in my fridge for months!
    I remember, you sent me a picture of it!|    You actually sound closer to  tears than laughter, Gary
    Because, just after we’d had this massive  Christmas dinner where I’d done the goose|    I got all this goose fat, the holy grail of  Yorkshire puddings and roast potatoes
    Went on a f***ing diet  and I never touched the stuff|    AUDIENCE: Aww
    And in this jar was…|    John Stonehouse…
    Seamless(!|)    John Stonehouse was en-route to Australia    setting up a new life with  his mistress and secretary
    Are they two separate people?|    Was he just being a real arse and taking his  mistress and his secretary?
    Well, who was his new identity?|  Whose identity had he taken on?
    Did he nick a dead person's?|    Yes, he did
 Deceased husband of a constituent|    So he deposited cash at one bank, picked it  up at another and the teller was suspicious    and reported him to local police
    The police, when they interviewed him,    asked him to drop his trousers| Why?
    Normal|    Was the person he was pretending to be a eunuch?
    No, just his trousers, just his trousers|    Well they’re looking for an identifying mark,  are they not?
 So tattoo or birthmark|    Yes
 neither| This is 1974
    Lord Lucan!|    Yes
 They suspected that he was Lord Lucan  who had very famously disappeared,    there’s a whole separate story there|    Someone suspiciously turning up  with an English accent in Australia,    depositing large sums of money
    Who is obviously on the run|    Lord Lucan had a large scar down his leg
    So the police were going,  well, drop your trousers,    we want to see if you’re Lord Lucan|  He wasn't
    Did he debag himself in aid of the…|    Because if he did, and he dropped his trousers  and there’s no scar,    he should surely be let go
    Yes, and then they’re not going to be suspicious  of him ever again|    Yes, he was still arrested, they just knew  he wasn’t Lord Lucan
    Oh|    “We know you’re somebody but we don’t  know who
    “Standard procedure, drop the trousers|”    That was essentially
 yeah, that would have  been 1974|    “What do we do second?
”  “I don’t know, it’s never failed|”    “Every arse tells a story
”    “All right, we’re going to need  to get your arse print here,    “please just sit in this ink for a little  while, and then on this paper|”    “Just reverse onto this paper
”    “It’s thumbprint| Thumbprint!
”    He’s arrested, six months later he’s deported  to the UK|    He’s remanded in Brixton prison
 What has  he not done at any point during this?|    Pulled his trousers up
    Walked really waddly all the way|    “They haven’t said I could,” he said
    Changed his name back?|    Bear in mind his job
    As Postmaster General, ex…|    Sorry, what was that?
    Postmaster General, ex-Postmaster General|    Was he still in the same job?
  Had he not been sacked?|    - Yes
  - Oh, s***!|    He did not resign as an MP
    Oh, boy!|    So did he come back to massive fines for not  having done his job properly?
    - No, he was an MP|  - You don’t get fined for not doing your job
    - Oh!|  - Satire
    He just kept being an MP and getting his salary|    Were they still paying him throughout the  entire time he buggered off?
    Well, at this point,  he had to have his trousers down    because of the sheer size of his balls|    He was put on trial on 21 charges of fraud,  theft, forgery, conspiracy to defraud,    causing a false police investigation  and wasting police time
    He sounds right for an MP|    Trial was 68 days long
  He conducted his own defence|    That’s brave
    Yeah, it didn’t work all that well|    Did he just drop his trousers when he could?
    And say repeatedly, “not Lord Lucan” because  it worked the first time|    After his release he worked as a fundraiser,    joined what became the Liberal Democrats,    wrote some novels, started a small business  that sold hotel safes
    I'm speeding through all this…|    - Hotel safes?
  - Hotel safes|    Because he’s used to embezzling money…
    They had a funnel that went directly to his  bank account|    “Put money in my safe!
” “No, f*** you!|”    - “You put money in your safe!
”  - “Invest in my company…|”    It hasn’t got a back on it!
    More than 20 years after his death,  something was revealed about him|    He was Lord Lucan?
    He just had a lot of bio-oil|    I thought he was going for the button to say  yes then!
    No, no, way, way back in his political career,    he’d negotiated an  agreement of technological cooperation    between Britain and Czechoslovakia, as was|    Uh oh
 Is he a spy?|    Oh, he's sp-- in fact--    The minute you say 'information sharing' and  'Czechoslovakia' which is in the former Soviet bloc,    he’s not going to just be going and eating  their fine pastries, is he?
    Yes, it turned out that he’d been an agent    for the Czechoslovak Socialist Republic  military intelligence|    S***, he’s Postmaster General!
    Yes|    That’s why it takes so long for your post  to arrive!
    I’m going to give you a point for twigging  that before I made the connection there|    It goes via Czechoslovakia!
    He was Minister in Charge of Post and Technology|    And that includes things like the  Post Office Tower and things like that,    that are transmitting signals around the world
    Yes|    This is pretty bad s*** isn’t it, let’s  face it
 This is bad news bears|    Somehow the embezzling  and taking someone else’s identity    is yet not the worst thing about this man
    - No|  - Because he’s used to it!
    That’s true, that|    At the point where the government found out  about this,    Margaret Thatcher was in power
  What did she decide to do?|    - Nothing?
  - Privatise him|    Yes, he will work with more efficiency  as a privately owned scumbag
    British politics jokes there|    Well, either nothing or something, is what  I’m going for there
    Chris, choose one of those options|    I’m going with something
    You’re wrong| It’s nothing
    Oh…|    It was easier to cover it up and never let  the public know    that there had been a Czech spy in government
    Because they’d obviously done no Czechs  on him!|    Oh…
    Yes|    At the end of the show
    Congratulations, Matt, you win this one|    How?
    Genuinely, you got a lot of dings in there|    You win breakfast food prepared by the star  of Sherlock
    It’s Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch|    F***ing
    Do enjoy that|    With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel
    It’s over!|    To Gary Brannan
    To Matt Gray|    Bye-bye YouTube
    I’ve been Tom Scott,  we’ll see you next time|  This is the Technical Difficulties, we're  playing 'Citation Needed'
    Joining me today, he reads books y'know, it's  Chris Joel|    'Ey up
    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan|    Here's a thought: earlier today, Noel Edmonds  was entirely naked
    Just imagine|    And standing in for Matt Gray,  the mouth from the south, Will Seaward
    Hello!|    I'm not from Yorkshire
    Get him out(!|)    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia,  and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a  ding,    and there's a special prize for particularly  good answers, which is:    Today, we are talking about Julie d'Aubig|    d'Aubig?
|    D'Aubigny
    This is it|    Forty minutes of this, try and stay with us
    To be fair, I am not French|    And if
    No way|    Really?
    If I were English, I'd pronounce this as der-orb-ig-ny,    but I think it's d'Aubigny|    D'Aubigny sounds fine
    Let's go with d'Aubigny, yes|    Better known as Mademoiselle Maupin
    Mopin|    Moppin
    I'm not French|    This is going to be…
    It's a French article|    I'll be honest, it's downhill from here
    The whole thing's not in French, is it?|    No, it's not
    M-A-U-P-I-N|    P-I-N?
    Maupin|    Mau-pin
    Madame Maupin|    Was she a mistress of Louis XIV?
    It's a long list, if it is|    Let's face it(!
)    Born to Gaston d'Aubigny, a secretary to the  Master of the Horse|    for King Louis XIV
    It's not close enough to have a point,    but she was certainly-    A secretary for a horse, would you believe?|    [whinnies] "Take that down
    "Read it back?|"    [whinnies] "Sir, I know it's very sad, but  why the long face?
"    You're absolutely right that she was a mistress,  but to a Count|    So I'm going to give you a point for that
    To the| oh, god
    A mistress to-    French names|    Count d'Armagnac?
    D'Armagnac|    Tom, what have you done to yourself?
    It's not gone well|  It's not gone well
    D'Armagnac| Go on
    Became a mistress by the age of 14, because  pre-French Revolution|    But by that point,  she had learned a lot of things,    by learning alongside the court pages
    Okay|    Is that an artful euphemism?
    No, it's not|    Is it an artless euphemism?
    No, her father trained the court pages|    So what did Julie learn alongside them?
    Words|    I'll give you a point
    Numbers|    Yes, reading as well
    Standing very still|    Going "ooh" at the right moment, when the  king comes in
    Yes, all that kind of stuff|    Polishing pointy bits of gold chairs
    There's a couple of other skills that a page  would have in those days|    Carrying things
    Putting things down|    Something a little more violent
    Swording!|    Yes
    Swording!|    Which is an artless euphemism
    Swording|    She learned to fence, and then dressed as  a boy from an early age
    She got involved with an assistant fencing  master|    The police were then looking for him,  to arrest him
    What had he done?|    You know he's got a sword in his hand?
    Yeah|    You know he waves it around in a violent fashion?
    Mm|    Did he - perchance and taking a punt – did  he stab someone?
    Yes|    I'm looking for something specific here
    What might be a reason for stabbing someone,  pre-Revolution?|    Being slightly upset
    In which case, you would do what?|    - Oh, a duel!
  - Stab 'em!|    A duel!
 You'd fight a duel|    Yes
    The man she was involved with killed a man  in an illegal duel,    so they fled the city, to Marseilles|    How did she earn her living on the way south?
    Fighting for money|    Yes
    F***!|    Giving fencing exhibitions, and also, singing
    She was a talented singer|    Singing and fencing at the same time  would be a hell of an act, wouldn't it?
    Opera|    Which I believe had been invented  at that point
    And not only that; she joined an opera company|    Have a point
    For full operatic effect, did she die of tuberculosis  at the end?|    We've seen very different versions of Aida
    Made it to Marseilles|    Grew bored of her lover
    Not what I thought you were going to say|    Grew bored of this humdrum, dull life  of opera singing and fencing
    Decides to become an accountant|    She ran away somewhere,  and she ran away with someone
    To Nice|    With a man from Nice(!
)    Right, you are wrong about Nice, and you are  also wrong about a man|    With a woman!
    Yes|    From a place that isn't Nice!
    I'm not giving you a point for that, but it's  Avignon|    So yes
    Oh, I was going to say Poitiers| So close
    But she was running away,    because the girl was sent away by her parents|    Where was the other girl sent to?
    A convent?|    Yes, absolutely right
    So she followed, entering the convent, and-    With swords|    Let's face it, you get in most places    if you turn up waving swords around,  singing opera
    No, she went into the convent,    and then tried to free her lover from the  convent|    This is a hell of an opera in itself,  let's face it
    I like to think that everybody is singing  all the way through this|    Yes, I do
    It's a full-on Rodgers and Hammerstein, this|    Could we talk through the plan,  the scheme that she went through,    the heist that she pulled?
    And it's quite a dark heist,    Did it involve swords?|    to get her and her lover out of the convent
    Did the nuns have swords?|    Er, not to my knowledge, although-    "Bloodbath at convent!
"    But frankly, 'Sister Act 3', it's going to  be absolutely amazing|    But then it should have been a very easy heist!
    "Give me my |ing lover,  or I'll chop you all to pieces
"    As negotiating tactics go,  it's normally successful, I find|    Well, they were trying to cover their tracks
    What kind of scheme would you pull to do that?|    You would pretend to be a doctor
    And you'd say, "This nun has a terrible disease!|    "All of you will get the disease
    She must come with me immediately|"    And the nuns would go,  "Oh, a doctor has said so
"    Then the doctor would also have a sword,  and they…|    Yes, and they were listening, because he was  ♪ SINGING ♪!
    And then we have the interval|    That's the way it goes
    Er, no|    She would pretend to be a policeman
    and she would say, "This nun has committed  a terrible crime!|    "She must come with me immediately
"    But she was charged, in absentia,    for kidnapping, bodysnatching, and arson|    So based on that, what was the heist?
    Oh, s***|    So you take a dead body,  replace your lover with it,    then burn the whole place down  to cover the tracks
    Damn!|    What worries me is that  your mind went straight to that
    Does this s*** count as a confession?|    There's no DNA evidence, darling(!
)    She escaped from that|    The affair lasted three months,    before the girl returned to her family, and  then she left for Paris
    What happened in Paris?|    And I'm deliberately phrasing that vaguely,  because it's kind of a repeat
    Did she dig up the entire Père Lachaise Cemetery,    and burn Paris to the ground?|    It's a repeat of something  we've already talked about
    Something with swords?|    Yes, definitely
    It's a sword thing, from this lady, I'm guessing|    Yes
    Catastrophic juggling accident|    Oh, did she challenge someone to a duel?
    Yes, you're absolutely right|    She was insulted by a young nobleman,  fought a duel with him,    put a blade through his shoulder
    Whoa|    Awesome
    Was he pinned to a tree in a comical-    No, it was just a vicious injury, Gary!|    It wasn't a cartoon thing, where he was going,    "Well, this is inconvenient
    "I'm stapled to this tree now|"    "I'll fight with the other arm!
"    The cool thing about duels, duelling is really  addictive|    Bismarck, I think, when he was a student,    he was also addicted to duelling
    He would walk-    Bit unfair though: six 14" guns against a  man with a sword|    Well, no
    He'd walk around the street,    wearing two cudgels, six pistols and two swords    and a dressing gown|    And he'd wander around, going,  "Yeah, fight me
 Fight me| I'm Bismarck
"    That's a very different Big Lebowski,  isn't it?|    Duelling, once it got later, was a really  formal event
    - Yes|  - What would they be wearing?
    You're normally just in a shirt, aren't you,  as I understand it?|    No, we're talking,  for this at least, much later
    This is German military, 19th century|    Oh, your full kit, no doubt
    Armour?|    Well, you wouldn't be in armour
    They wouldn't have armour at that point|    You'd have a breastplate
    Well, wasn't the early German thing that you  duelled, growing up,    or you fenced, growing up, to get good gnarly  scars, didn't they?|    Yes, you're absolutely right
    They would fight with a mask and a thick scarf,  so you couldn't-    Ah, so that you could only get this bit|    You could only get that bit
    So it was essentially ritual scarification|    Awesome
    Scars were judged by Otto von Bismarck  to be a sign of bravery|    Men's courage could be judged –  and there's a quote here –    "by the number of scars on their cheeks"
    Oh, cracking| I'm well away
    Did he specify which cheeks?|    How would you duel?
    I've just got this image of the sword|    "Oh, I see
 I've got a very wrong idea about this|"    I've just got two men  backing up against each other,    with a sword, kind of, "Thunk
 Thunk|"    Only one end of the sword would go, "thunk
"    The other one would go|    It's marvellous, the thought of Bismarck stood  there in his dressing gown,    cudgels, hand grenades and cannons,    and someone else reverses bent over,  round the corner
    "Well, we're doing it this way| Fair enough
    "I've never been beaten by a more worthy adversary|"    At which point, it turns out the guy's got  a cannon up there
    Er, yes, scars, for God's sake(!|)    Scars were usually targeted to the left profile
    Okay|    Oh, look at you with your, "I'm handsome for  19th century warring Germany" face
    You know what?|    I'll take that
    I will take that|    It does explain the haircut
    And the Pickelhaube|    Can we have a big thing that goes across the  bottom of the screen that says,    "Do not try this at home?
"    Yes, I think|    "unless someone has insulted you and you want  a duel?
    "In which case, that's fine, but remember,  we mean the other cheeks|    "Yeah?
"    So yes, going back, pre-French Revolution, back to Julie,    Oh, yeah!|    Who duelled by stabbing someone with a sword
    This doesn't sound much like a duel|    This more sounds like a very quick stabbing
    She was a very good duellist, by all accounts|    Well, excellent, obviously, yeah
    He was Louis-Joseph d'Albert de Luynes,  son of the Duke of Luynes|    "He killed my father
 Prepare to die|"    Quite the opposite
    One of his companions came to offer his apologies|    "He resurrected my father?
    "Prepare to live?|"    Okay, when I say the opposite, I mean in more  general terms
    It was more that they certainly weren't enemies  after this|    Is there more about
  just before we go onto this guy,    is there more about him, other than this incident?|    Because I would hate to be, myself, one of  those people in history    that's only remembered as being the guy that  got stabbed through a shoulder,    and potentially stuck to a tree,    by that lady that pretended to be a nun,    who sang opera, that burnt the convent down
    'Cos that's not a great way to be remembered,  let's face it|    For one thing, you can't write all that on  just the one tombstone
    Yeah, both sides|    There is not another reference in here
    This appears to be the one reference to the  man in history|    "How do they remember me?
  |oh, you're kidding
 Come on!|"    If it hadn't been that, he would have been  remembered for being the innately hilarious    son of the Duke of Loins!
    |I'm probably mispronouncing that
    I'm choosing to believe you're not!|    It's L-U-Y-N-E-S
    So if there's any French speakers in here  who can…|    Loins!
|    Loins it is then
    Duke of Loins|    There's no advance from the audience
    What happened, though, after he recovered?|    And, by the way, and after he sent his apologies?
    Oh, good man|    I imagine he went, "Ow," quite frequently,  for a while
    Did his golf take some time to recover?|    Was there physiotherapy involved?
    Is this back to swording as an artless euphemism?|    Did they marry?
    You're closer, yes|    They never married, but they became lovers,  and, later, lifelong friends
    How can you|!
    "Oh, remember that time  I stabbed you in the shoulder?|"    "Ah, that's how we met!
"    Works for me|    I'm going to point out, she is still in her  late teens at this point
    That's nails|    We are not in the section, yet, that says,  'Adult Life
'    You know when you're at home and you think  to yourself,    "How is my life going?|"    Do you ever hear articles like this and think,    "I have not achieved enough in life?
"    Well, how old was she?|    Late teens?
    By 19, at no point had I tried to burn a convent  down with a corpse inside it|    She is somewhere between 17 and 20 at this  point, but we don't know if-    Oh, well, that's different
    By 19, I was all about that, yes|    She was hired by the Paris Opera
    In full knowledge that she was pretty handy  while she was doing it|    Oh, no, as a doorman!
    Can you just imagine when she got appointed  at the opera,    the CRB check she must've had  when she got in?|    "What do we have?
    "Well, a little bit of shoplifting when you  were 12|    "I'm sure that's all done now
    "Burning down a convent and stealing a body  to burn down said convent, now that was not-"    She only set the room on fire;  she didn't burn down the entire convent|    Oh, well that's alright then
    Five years later,  she's still the talk of Paris|    She's still well known-  thank you for those effects
    At a society ball, there was a scandal|    Turned up as a bloke
    Left with a woman|    Reverted to being a woman
    Burnt the place down when somebody said, "Oi|"    One of those things is right,    but it was a broad, blunderbuss attempt there
    So let's try Gary|    Singing opera
    Throws sword|    Stabs man
    Room on fire|    None of those
    So based on those two-    Come on, Will|    She pretended to be a doctor
    And she went around the ballroom, going,    "Everyone here has a terrible disease!|    "You must all come with me
"    What I like about it, in my imagination,    she's dressed as an opera singer|    She's got swords down each leg, so she's a  bit stiff in walking,    and has a stethoscope
    Chris, you actually said vaguely the right  words there|    She kissed a young woman at a society ball
    What happened immediately after that?|    She had a duel with the entire society ball
    Yes, she was challenged to duels by  three separate noblemen,    so I'll give you a point for that|    What did she do that night?
    Er, beat them all in duels|    What was illegal in Paris, at that point?
    Duelling more than two people in an evening|    It was considered greedy
    Just duelling, in particular|    So she now has to flee Paris, because she's  also wanted there
    Mate, I'd say Marseilles now|    I think we're going there
    I think she went to Marseilles!|    Brussels
    Re-joins the opera, and the final years of  her career here    were spent in a relationship with, well, who?|    Anyone brave enough
    Madame la Marquise de Florensac|    I'm, again, butchering all the French in here
    Well, that's what she was doing with the swords,  to be honest|    That's taken time
    That's excellent|    Ugly four that just reached the rope, yeah
    On her death, she was inconsolable|    She retired from the opera, and then took  refuge where?
    Not a convent|?
    She died at the age of 33, has no known grave,  and is a legendary figure|    That window needs just a gentle tap  on it now, doesn't it?
    With a point of a sword, just to come through|    So at the end of the show,  congratulations Will, you win this one
    Yay!|    You win a Greek philosopher's  Mexican salamander speed control
    Oh!|    Aristotle axolotl something throttle
    Yes!|    An Aristotle axolotl throttle
    Congratulations, Will|    With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel,    to Gary Brannan,    to Will Seaward
    I've been Tom Scott,  and we'll see you next time|    Goodnight!
  This is the Technical Difficulties|  We're playing Citation Needed
    Joining me in the studio today:  he reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!|    Hellooo
    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan — Gary Brannan!|    Salutem
    And the bounciest man on the internet — Matt Gray!|    It's not a studio, it's a kitchen diner
    I'm choosing to quietly ignore that|    In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia,  and these guys can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    and there's a special prize for  particularly good answers, which is:    Today's article is: Lisa Clayton|    She's from somewhere that makes bricks
    Ooh| Why do you say that?
    ALL: Clayton|    TOM: Ohh, right
    Erm, Birmingham actually|    GARY: Yep
  MATT: Yup|    [Laughter]    Okay, so someone from Birmingham
  What is this, f***ing Crime Watch?|    CHRIS: 'Have you seen Lisa Clayton?
'    'Have you seen her?| Do you know her?
'    Well, here's the thing: Lisa Clayton,  you wouldn't have seen her for quite a while|    For 285 days
    Because she was invisible?|    [Laughter]  Briefly
    That's not briefly!|    You'd cause bedlam with 285 days of invisibility
    It's brief on the universal scale!|    Oh, yes, yes
    So 285 days of being invisible|    Er, of not being seen by the world
    Hibernation|    In a cupboard
    World Hide and Seek champion|    [Laughter]    I'd go with that one
    Er, not quite| She did certainly go away for a while
    Arctic wanderer|    Ooh, explorer certainly
  I will give you a point for that| [DING]    Explorer in the sense of going places  rather than the sense of discovering places
    Did she go to Wolverhampton?|    That's still not been discovered!
    The mystical city of|    ALL: Wolverhampton!
    MATT: Eugh|    The one thing I do know about Wolverhampton,  they've got battered chips
    TOM and MATT: Oooh|  GARY: Eh?
    Two very different reactions there| I went,  [Doubtful]  'Oooh
'    Matt went, 'Yep, yep, I'll have that|'    Yeah
 I'm with Matt on this|    See, it would involve going to Wolverhampton to get it,    but what I can do is try it at home
    The other thing is, I think you'd only need three|    I think after three, I'd have had enough
    Have you ever had a battered chocolate bar?|    ALL: No
    I once tried that, but I didn't work out you had to put batter in it| So I just dropped a Rocky into a pot of oil
    CHRIS: Fwoomf!| 'Awww
'    There's a chippie round the back of the Nestlé factory,  and I had a battered Yorkie|    Oh
 Yeah| No
    TOM: Ohh, that's a dense|    One bite was enough
    Because it is just hot dripping chocolate,  hot dripping oil, and| [Gags]    It's just a weapon, isn't it, basically
    We're back to our chocolate rods from God|    GARY: We are
  MATT and TOM: Yeah|    That's how you get the casing on  to get it through the atmosphere
    GARY: I was going to say that that's a hand grenade|    I was once in the US, and someone  ordered deep-fried cheesecake
    Ooo|    GARY: How does that work?
    You get a slab of cheesecake,  you batter it, and you deep fry it|    And then you add like, raspberry sauce on it
    I had one bite, and was like:  That's lovely, and that is now enough|    [Laughter]    I did have some cake the other day,    where somebody, rather than creating icing,  had just rendered down entire Mars bars
    ALL: Ohhh|    So every element of the Mars bar then re-set into
    TOM: I can't get behind that|    When I was
 Quite a while ago,  when I had a house in York|    The woman was a bit dicky but I wanted  to make a cake, right, to take to work
    So I made cake one|  Didn't really rise, door not shutting properly
    Now what I should have done is said,  F*** it, I'm going to Tesco|    But damn it, I'd started, I was going to do this
    So I tried again — that one, also flat|  Tried again, that one also flat
    Oh God, I know where this is going|    Third one burnt down, fell over,  and then sank into the swamp
    [Laughter]  'But the last one stood up!|'    So I put
    At this point something happened  in my brain that wasn't normal sense|    I thought: stack them all together,  put jam and cream in between,    And then I melted over the top an entire Yorkie
    TOM: [Groans]    In fact, three entire Yorkies,  I think it was, I put over the top of it|    You've just got a brick!
  You've got|    You've got a prohibited weapon there!
    I've got to say, it was almost starting  to collapse in on itself, mass-wise|    GARY: Superdense
    I nearly created a cake black hole, it turns out later on|    Someone said their teeth hurt after eating it
    TOM: Yes!|    You've got four cakes crushed down!
    'We're out of osmium, best use cake!|'    It's diamond
    The middle of it was a solid diamond, and small other buns were starting to get trapped in its orbit|    [Laughter]    Just walking past a cake shop to take it to work,  and stuff's battering up against the glass
    [Whooshing noises]    Cake-based gravity|    Could
?| I was gonna say "Could you do that?
"  I'm pretty sure the answer is: no|    No!
    I'm achieving it as the years pass|    GARY: Yeah
!|    A long time ago we were talking about Lisa Clayton
    GARY: Oh yeah, we were, yeah!|  TOM: To give her full name
    Did she go into space?|    Er, no
 Lisa Lyttelton, Dowager Viscountess Cobham|  As she is now known
    Now that's one for your exam paper, isn't it|    Yep
 She set out September 1994,  came back June 1995|    Tried to discover America;  worked out it had already been done
    [Laughter]  Oh| You know what, you're very close
    Oh f*** off|    CHRIS: And you said 285 days
  TOM: Yup|    Only person to walk across Canada?
    But not seen| People'd see you in Canada
  There are people|    She tried to row across the Atlantic  on her own or something?
    Close enough, I'll give you the point| [DING]    'Fastest Sail Around the World by a Woman,  Single-Handed Without Assistance'
    'First British Woman to Sail Single-Handed  and Non-Stop Around the World'|    Respect!
    Well done to you!| That's good work, that is
 If you still|    And to be sat there with one of your hands  just in your pocket!
    What?|  Single-handed
 Ohh|    Yeah, just making it look good!
    TOM: Wow|    That seems like an unnecessary thing to do to yourself
    |encumbrance, isn't it, yeah
    There'll be a point someone off the Cape of Good Hope,    You're like, 'I should really have done this  two-handed, but you know|'    'I did say at the start!
'    MATT: 'An award's an award!|'    A 38-foot yacht
 Does anyone want  to take a guess what it was called,    given that she was sponsored by her university?|    University of Birmingham
    The Brummie Bastard|    It's a good name for a boat
  Not quite|    I was hoping it was sponsored by Staffordshire University, and then she could have been Keelehauled
    ALL: AYYY!|    Keele is a town in Staffordshire
    Was it  [Brummie accent] the 'Alroight'?|    You know what, that's close enough
  It's the Spirit of Birmingham|    I was going to say, HRH Lenny Henry
    GARY: [Laughing] Spirit of Birmingham|    I like the way you went with *HRH* Lenny Henry
    something I'd like to see —  rather than HMS|    [Laughter]    Me too
    31,000-mile journey, single-handed,  round the world, in a yacht|    Some of the difficulties she'd have had on the way?
    Crying| If Ellen MacArthur's anything to go by
    Yes, if Ellen MacArthur's anything to go by|    Tesco delivery not turning up
    To be honest, you have enough  trouble with that anywhere|    She's just sitting there, sailing around,  trimming the sail
    All of a sudden, she looks around:    'Sorry we missed you' —  'I'm sitting right here!| How did you manage that?
!|'    'I have a hundred miles of visibility in every direction!
'    That's because they've got a Tesco submarine|    I like the idea of Tesco submarine delivery
    because it implies there's a Walmart submarine  from a different superpower steadily hunting them|    And all Asda can afford is a destroyer on the surface,  hoping for the best with depth charges
    And there's a Carrefour flotilla coming up|    'We're loading in the granary torpedoes now!
'    Eyyy!|    Granary torpedoes: type of bread
    CHRIS: I enjoyed it|  TOM: He got it
    I got it|    Hardships on the way, as you're  circumnavigating round the world?
    TOM: What might your boat do?|    Fall over!
    Yes| Have a point
 [DING]    I was going to go for, more drastically: sink|    [Laughter]    Well, she wouldn't have made it round if it sank
    She might have| been able to reinflate it?
    TOM: It's not an inflatable dinghy!| It's not
    ₤9|99 Tesco summer range inflatable dinghy
    Stood on one end, inflating the other end|    'F***in' hell!
'    It's not the Scarborough boating lake  she's trying to circumnavigate here|    No, she went round that enough times  to make up 31,000 miles
    Yeah| Yeah
    Capsized seven times|    GARY: How?
  MATT: That's all right|    I don't know how you right a boat  on your own when it's capsized, but
    MATT: Carefully|  CHRIS: Yeah
    Basically, you stand on the rail, and I think  there's a line that attaches to the end of the mast|    I mean, this is the principle for dinghies,  I don't know about a 38-foot yacht
    TOM: Oh, okay| Yeah
    But basically you haul on that end of it|    Wow
 And then you go back in the water as it|    MATT: And hope it doesn't keep going
  TOM: Yeah|    Yeah
 That's the principle with smaller vessels|    I don't know if her weight's enough to do it,  or whether she can move ballast across in
    Ah, that's a point, yeah|    It's probably water-based ballast,  so you pump it up to the topside or something
    Or the side that's out of the water,  and then you lean on it|    I would have thought you wouldn't go all the way  around the world with a boat you couldn't right
    Because it's capsized, then you've got 'turtle' which  is when the mast's downwards, and then you just|    GARY: That's it, she's had it
  CHRIS: You go home|    CHRIS: On the other hand, did you see this thing,  it was earlier in the year
    You know there are now these carbon trimarans  with solid carbon sails|    It's just like a big vane on the back
    They flipped one|    MATT: [Gasps]  GARY: Oh, I can see that
    They nosed in|    Oh, is this the America's Cup?
    The America's Cup one| Yeah
    TOM: That killed a man|  MATT: That killed them
 Yeah|    Because the new ones are essentially hydrofoils,  floating above for most of the journey
    CHRIS: Yeah|    Fifty miles an hour, carbon fibre
    Nosed in, flipped it — mast down|    GARY: Yikes
    So the America's Cup works by the winner of the  previous America's Cup sets the rules for the next lot|    Oh, is that it?
 Ahhh|    TOM: And the person who won the last one was
    I think it was a billionaire who runs Oracle  and all sorts of IT groups|    Yeah, that's it
 It was Oracle|    So he said, all the boats — carbon fibre, high speed
    CHRIS: Trimaran|  TOM: Yeah
    Cool things| Essentially, if Batman had a sailing boat
    Yeah|    [Gravelly Batman voice]  'To the Bat-Boat!
'    TOM: But when they crash| it's terrifying
  MATT: Everyone dies|    Yeah
 Well, only one| Everyone else was sort of injured
    Oh really?| I thought it was everyone
    No, no| They were rattled but they managed to  limp it back to port or get it towed or something
    God, that'd be great in other competitions,  if the winner could set the rules for next time|    Boxing!
 You can have the springy boxing gloves  that come out like that and back in|    And until you beat me using that methodology,  I'm not interested
    We need to get Elon Musk to win tennis|    'Yep
 You have to do it in space|'    You mentioned Dame Ellen MacArthur, by the way
    GARY: Yeah|  MATT: Oh yeah
    And it's quite interesting to note the difference between her and Lisa Clayton|    Obviously, Ellen MacArthur —  knighthood for breaking the record
    Lisa Clayton has essentially slipped into obscurity|    Well, not anymore!
    TOM: [Laughs]    All eight of you watching, please spread the word!|    At the end of the show, congratulations Matt,  you're this week's winner!
    Yeeeeeeeeees!|    That went on for much longer than I expected it to!
    But slightly less long than I was expecting|    Yeah
 Yeah|    You win a British Prime Minister's feeding trough  that tells kids to be wary of people they don't know
    It's John Major's Stranger Danger Manger|    Heyyy!
    Enjoy that —    I've got a use for one of them, actually|    In the meantime —  I don't want to know why
    TOM: That's been Chris Joel|  CHRIS: Godspeed
    TOM: That's been Gary Brannan|  GARY: Godspeed
    TOM: That's been Matt Gray|  MATT: Bye bye
    I've been Tom Scott, and we'll see you next time|    Is this something like Fish Slapping Dance?
    ALL: Ohh!|    With a side o' bacon
    Bacon beating!|    Brannan, if you'd care to mime with me
    GARY: Go on|    Comme ça?
    Bradford Crane, which —    Bradford!| [Laughs]    Bradford Crane
    'Hello?| Bradford Cranes?
'    'Er, yeah, we got a 9-tonne, a 14-tonne,  and er, Maurice Micklewhite|'  [Theme Music]    - Hi, I'm Matt  - and I'm Tom    - and this is the Park Bench-ish
    - Still on a Woodlands set|  - Yes
    - Uhh, and last week?| I think it was last week
    You released a video of Cardiff?|    - Oh, yeah
 Yeah that--  - Was it Cardiff?|    Yeah this was about a week and a half ago as you guys see this    if all has gone to plan
    This was the brain scanning one at CUBRIC in Cardiff|    - And thank you to everyone that has commented on the video    and tweeted me asking what I used to film that    and what camera I was using for those really smooth, stabilised shots
    - Yeah, 'cos it looks really, really good|    - Yep, yep
 I'm really impressed with that    and that's because I wasn't doing it|    [Laughs]    I don't film any-- every video that Tom does
    I have a day job|    I have to be at work
 [Laughs]    - You use other people from time to time though, don't you?|  - I do
    That was actually filmed by a team at Cardiff University    And, despite the fact that my haircut on my main channel    has now moved in sync with this one,    that was actually filmed a haircut ago|    - I though that was filmed ages ago!
    But I saw the timeline-- I don't recognise that|    I thought, oh God, was he talking about that months ago?
    - Yeah, that was actually a few months ago|    There was some internal stuff that meant I couldn't release it until now    Uh, but    yeah that was the team at Cardiff University    - and their incre--  - I'm guessing that the    camera they were using was on a    DJI Ronin-y kind of thing    - Yes  - rather than an Osmo?
    - It was exactly a DJI Ronin|    Do you want to deal with the difference between those?
    'Cos you've got an Osmo|    - The Osmo's a small stick with a little motor on the top of it    that can move the in-built camera
    A Ronin's a big thing that you put your big proper camera on|    - Yeah
    - It does all the stabilisation    and 'cos that's heavier you can get smoother shots|    - Yeah    - And I could tell that it wasn't an Osmo    because there wasn't as much bobbing
    Hell of a hand movement every time I describe an Osmo|    And because
    and you get the little error corrections in the    - direction in an Osmo  - Yes| Because the Ronin is massive,    it's very difficult to have    little movements like, again good hand gesture,    little movements like that because you're holding it up
    You've got,    I don't think they had the pack to ease the load of it    but it was still you know a big, heavy thing|    - And lots of professional handheld cameras are really heavy    because it's a lot harder to vibrate a big thing
 [Laughs]    - This isn't going well|    This is
 is good|    - No I said exactly what meant
  - OK|    - You're just being a naughty boy
    - So yeah, it was a Canon 5D on a DJI Ronin rig|    And that opening shot took about 10 attempts
    I did back into the doors once|    Um
    It was utterly unnecessary| We could've started anywhere and just walked through,    but big sweeping camera shots are always
    are always a good thing|    But Matt does not film everything despite the assumption
    When do you tend to come along?|    - If you say, hey I'm going to this cool place
    I go, ooh, can I come?|    - Yeah that's
    [Laughs]    So, what have you filmed lately?|    - You did?
  - Er, NASA|    - Yep
    - Um|    - The other big telescope room
  - Arecibo    - Oh yeah, Arecibo and Green Bank| Yup
    - Um|    Bremen Drop Tower
    - Yes| A lot of space stuff
    - A lot of science stuff|  - Space space stuff
    - Yeah|  - Um
 the JET|    Was it JET?
    - JET?| Jet Propulsion Laboratory?
    - No|  - Jet from Gladiators?
    - [Sarcastically] Yes|  [Laughs]    Well, what was the tour that we were in?
    - What was the-- the Culham Centre for Fusion Energy    - Yeah|  - Joint European Tours
 Yes it is JET|    - There we go
    Big| I like big infrastructure    and big science, and if he can get me to look at one    then I will say yes, and also hold the camera for him and make him look pretty
    - But bear in mind that this is my full-time job|    Um
    YouTube is what pays my rent right now which is wonderful|    But it's not what pays your rent
    - I work 40-odd hours a week|    I do this outside of work
    - So unless it's something where I can get Matt along to--    like Arecibo or something    - that makes it worth your time to go out there  - If it's cool enough    for me to be happy to take a day off work to do it then great,    or if it's on a day I've already got off or on a weekend| That kind of stuff
    Um, otherwise|    I only have certain amount of holiday allowance in a year    because that's how work works
    [Laughs]    - Those of us who have never had a proper job in our lives| [Laughs]    I've never actually had a proper job in my life
    Um| huh
    - Sorry that was a sudden realisation|  - You've had proper jobs    - but they've all been freelance, haven't they?
  - Yeah, I've never had a job that's--    - I've never actually sat down and interviewed for a job|    -huh    -
huh    Sorry, sudden life realisations|    - Hm
  - Um|    But if I
 if I invite you along somewhere    you get something out of it|    If I invite you along to come and film    uh
 something that    would just be a slog    like the filming for The Basics|    Second video those goes out,    actually it will have gone out now,    and that was at the Cambridge Centre for Computing History    which I thoroughly recommend they're lovely
 We still need to go there at some point    and have a tour around 'cos it's beautiful|  - They look cool
    - Um|    - Yeah that's the kind of talk-into-a-camera kind of video    which is the-- the location is somewhere where I would like to visit
    - Yes|  - And, the topics are interesting
    But the video itself is run-of-the-mill    - Yeah|  - tripod, lights
    - I hired a wonderful camera operator called Tomec,    who's worked with    quite a lot of British YouTubers now,    hired him for the day|    He took his big, expensive camera and lighting rig out there    and made it look fantastic
    Um, but also was willing to put up with me    trying to get all of these videos in a single take|    Whereas you, at some point, would've shouted at me to move on
    [Laughs]    I like doing single take videos!|    - Well, sometimes if you just can't get the words out
    it's gonna get you angry    - Yes|  - and that means that the next one you got to record, you'll be angry at the beginning of it
    - Yes|    - Or you've only got a certain amount of time in a location    so sometimes edits have to happen
    - The-- the greatest lie-- I'm gonna reveal a lie here, Matt|    I'm going to reveal a lie
    The Arecibo telescope video,    I screwed up a line of dialogue in my script    and I didn't notice it until we got back to the UK and reviewed the footage|    The sound was great,    your picture was great,    it was all fine except one line in the intro    I said a wrong word
    - Did you ADR it?|    - Yes
 Do you want to|    - ADR?
  - Uh|    Dialogue replacement I've forgotten the 'A'
    - I've forgotten the 'A'| It's not automated 'cos it's not
  - Not it's not|    - Audio?
  - Maybe|    - Audio dubbing replace-- anyway    it's where you film something    like they do it for a lot TV shows    where they can't-- where they don't want to get the microphones close    is that they will film actors with the cameras where they want them, and then in a studio later,    the actor will redo the lines matching their mouth movements as closely as possible
    And then they'll add some computer fixing to make it perfect|    - It's really hard to do right
 You'll-- it generally|    I think it's more likely to be used on a shot    that's further away so you can't see the lips as well
    - Yes| And you might notice that that Arecibo shot cuts back    to the wide shot of me at the end
    It doesn't really need to,    but it does|    And you can't see my lips and there's just kind of vague hand movements that could fit anything
    And the reason for that is that I re-recorded the last line of the dialogue in that shot|    But the other tricky thing about ADR,    is that matching how it sounds    is really, really difficult
    Can I-- I keep doing this Matt,    but if I talk quietly enough, can you bring the mic close in?|    There is a big difference between-- sorry    between close-in audio recording and    big, shouting, slightly away from the microphone, talking to someone far away
    And it's almost impossible to match|    So I needed to re-create the sound    of the Arecibo telescope, some noise in the background,    and my mic being here in a big, open space
    So that was re-recorded in Regents Park    in the middle of London|    And I looked like a complete prat    because I had to walk out right in to the middle of a grassy area    put a microphone on and shout to the sky like this!
    - 'Cos yeah, I was miles away and I couldn't hear a word you were saying|  - Yup    - 'Cos it was so windy there and it was so far away    'Cos I was, I think I was reasonably zoomed in
    -  on my camera as well|  - Yep, can't see the lips move
 It's fine|    If you listen very carefully to that,    and this is not just a ploy to get people to go back and watch the video again,    but if you listen to that first section    you can hear very very subtly    a ramp between the new audio    and the old-- between the old audio and the new audio
    As the background noise changes over about five second or so    to make it sound right|    [Laughs]    [Narration from video]-it's impossible to get across on camera, it is massive
 For 50 Years it's been listening to the sky and one day, it might just save the world [Narration Ends]    Ah, saved in the edit|    - Oh yeah
  - Saved in the edit by this man|    - A lot of the time in video,    if there's an edit-- a cut between two shots where you wouldn't expect one    - it's probably covering something up
  - Yep|    - Lots of things are filmed with more than one camera so then
    uh, if it's just one camera you get jump cuts    which look fine on YouTube    but, I think the Simpsons did a very good example    of something that had been jump cut a lot|    'Cos it's Homer being interviewed    and there's a clock in a background and it kept moving all over the place
    It's the inconsistencies that make it feel wrong|    But if you can cut to another shot, then you can chop out entire segments of time    and the camera's died
    - Yeah, that camera's just died|    Now, obviously I wasn't holding this camera during that shot,    but hopefully that was a close enough cut that you just
    you didn't-- you didn't notice| [Laughs]    Yeah, yeah that camera just died    - And it's all the way over there    so we'll finish the video on this one
    - Yes| But that's why the sweeping Osmo shot is not always Matt
    That's why videos are lies|    - and
  - And for Citation Needed,    - you do the video but I do all the audio even for the episodes I haven't done| There's a--  - Yes, yes
    - many, many track audio mix trying to cover up every single edit in that|    There is a wide shot on that for a reason
    - There are a lot of edits on that|    - Right, there we go
  - Yeah|    Wait
    - What?|    - I'm just thinking, if we continue on like this with that camera,    - Yeah?
  - how long do you think we can go before your arm starts to ache?|    - I mean it's doing okay so far
    [Sarcastically] -Dick    [Theme Music]    - Is it aching yet?|  - No
    - No?|  - No
  Tom: Yea, it's rolling|    Tom: ♫ Rolling ♫    Tom: ♫ Rolling like Fred Durst  ♫    [Matt is laughing here]    Matt: ♫ Rolling like Joan Rivers  ♫  [Matt is laughing]    [Matt is continuing to laugh]    Tom: I thought you was going to go then
  Matt:  [While still laughing] No, cause of this bit as well|    Tom: Alright then
  [Matt is still laughing]    [Matt is still laughing]    [Matt tries to stop, but fails]    [Matt is still laughing, Tom is now starting to laugh]    Matt:  I'm trying not to laugh [while still laughing]    [Tom now checks his phone while Matt still laughs]    [Tom sighs]    Matt: I'm not even laughing about anything|    [Matt continues to laugh]    Matt: I don't even know where this has come from
    Tom: It's like knitting at this point|  [Matt continues to laugh]    [Matt continues to laugh]    Matt: My diaphragm hurts    [They both continue, Matt tries to stop himself]    [Matt fails to stop himself]    Matt [while laughing]: Well if you want an entire video of me involuntarily laughing, we got that
    [Tom coughs while Matt gives Tom the microphone]  Matt: Hold that for a second, I need to go for a walk|    [Matt continues to laugh as he walks off camera]    Matt: Laughing is nice but when it's involuntarily it's a bit weird]    Matt: Sorry about that
  Tom: That's okay    [Matt chuckles here]  Matt: I was having fun|  Tom: I would say it happens to all of us but that's a lie    Tom: It would be a bad idea to set you off again, right?
    [Matt begins to chuckle again]    Tom: Just checking  Matt: Hi, I'm Matt  Tom: And I'm Tom    Matt: And this is our second channel!|    Tom: And this is our seventh attempt to try and film a channel trailer, because we keep going off on tangents    Matt: Like we do on videos on this channel
 A lot of the time we are doing it on a park bench such as today [umm|]    Tom: And if twenty minutes of unfocussed rambling on a park bench sounds like your kind of thing    Matt: Then you're in the right place    Matt: Then you're in the right place  Tom: Then boy howdy do we have a channel for you!
    Matt: Ah, let's try and keep this short, 'cause we failed in the other six attempts!|    Other things we do, we do behind the scensey stuff of our other videos on our other channels    Tom: Yes    Matt: [uhh
]  Tom: We test live streams here, we test things we might bring onto our own channels later    Matt: And then there's more unfocused rambling    Matt: And then there's more unfocused rambling  Tom: Yes    Tom: Uhh, to be honest, I don't know why you'd subscribe, but if you do want to    Matt: Clicky clicky|    Tom: You don't actually know where the
  Matt: I have no idea where the button is!|    Matt: There you go, that's what it is!
 [laughing] Do the thing!|  Hi, I'm Matt,  and I'm Tom,    and this is the Park Bench,    and we have controversial opinions
    Oh, yes| Number 1:    Lettuce is a garbage vegetable that can always be replaced by a better leaf
    Go on    Go on, fight me|    There are multiple lettuce leaves    Mhm
 They're all garbage|    I like a baby gem salad
    I'm sure you do, but would that sound be better with spinach or    Rocket, arugula, whatever you call it|    No, not as the base
 I might add it in|    No
    Because|  spinach has a completely different texture, it's got no crunch to it
    It has a better texture    It's not just slightly crunchy water    Baby jet| Iceberg!
 Iceberg lettuce can go f*** itself|    And from eating salads in America
    Yep|    
a lot of them seem to be only iceberg lettuce|    Yes    
which is bulls***|    Yes
 Thank you!| You're with me on this!
    All I'm doing is I'm extending that out to other kinds of lettuce,    which can always be replaced by something better|    I would love to see
    Chard|    I beg your pardon?
    It's another lettuce-y leaf that's got more of a bitter taste to it|    Yeah, it's got something to it
 It's not just crunchy water|    Controversial Opinion Number 2:    Bog Roll    (toilet paper, for Americans)    What- the idea of it?
    No; bog roll- it should always hang so then    If the roll's here and the wall's here it should be away from the wall, so then you can get at it|    You're wrong
    If you're pulling it down the other side then it's gonna scrape against the wall and you're gonna get everyone's-    It's not gonna scrape against the wall!|    Well, the bog roll hangers hang down and the things hanging against the wall and then    you get wall all over your arse
    How's that better?|    It's not like you're wiping your arse on the wall    No, but other people do!
 I don't know-    What's wrong with your housemates?|!
    Do you have brown steaks down the wall all of a sudden?|    I never said house
    Public toilet!| Who knows what people have been touching the wall with?
    I don't want wall on that on me    Okay, okay    If it's hanging down the other way-    That's reasonable, but if you hang it down on the front,    so it's facing you, and I admit that for those of us|    who do not have, say, a cat or a child in the house or something like that, fine, but
    You have neither!| [NAI-ther]    I have neither [NEE-ther] you're absolutely right-    Neither
  [NAI-ther]    Neither|  [NEE-ther]    Not either; neither
  [AI-ther, NAI-ther]    Not either; neither|  [EE-ther, NEE-ther]    Shrewsbury
  [SHREWS-bury, not SHROZE-bury]    Oh, old school!| Erm
    Right, but I grew up in a house as a, you know|    I was a child once
    I'm trying to put it behind me, but you know|    So if a kid reaches up and just starts batting the way at the roll like that    They're not gonna take the whole thing off and put it on the floor    It's just gonna rotate, flip around, and stay where it is
    What kid bats away at a bog roll?|    I mean kids will bat away anything
    Kids are basically small little tornados of destruction|    Sounds like great fun    Controversial Opinion Number 3:    On the tube    You will sometimes see big information boards which have    useful information on them, like which lines are closed, or when the last tube is,    but if there's no information on there    then they'll sometimes have an Absolute Load of Bollocks "quote for the day" on it    which is just like something you get forwarded by email from your grandmother
    It's some bollocks motivational quote or terrible joke,    and it's on a board that is meant to be for safety critical information    And you should not distract people when they are trying to get through    At the speed just to lighten their day with something that just makes it|    I was gonna say most people, but I'm extrapolating there from a sample size of one that makes me go,    oh for god sakes
    Sample size of two| We agree on this one
    Okay    |we agree on this one
    Don't put bollocks on safety critical information boards|    If you had a separate board that was a different color and    styled in Comic Sans to make it look like it wasn't meant to be important, then great    Yes
    But on the same board that you put "This is going to impact your day today"    Yes, don't-    you have to read the s*** work out that it's s***|    Controversial Opinion Number I've Lost Track:    All mobile phones should be on silent all the time
    All the time?|    All the time
    So they shouldn't even have a ringer option    Except for like accessibility or something like that?|    Yes, they should have the option
    Right|    But if you don't need that then just leave it on vibrate    I agree
?|    Ding!
    *De de de De de!|*    I don't care that you've got a text message; why're you telling me?
!|    My phone's always on silent
 I know when I've got a text|    Because you don't have a handbag
    Okay    Neither do I, but    But that is fair, but|    I'm sure everyone
    I might have a point here|    I didn't know there was a scoring system until I was winning    and now there's a scoring system and I've got a point
    Where did this come from?|    I don't know, but if there's a chance of me to get a point on something I'll take it
    Controversial Opinion Number n:    not everything is a game with points, Tom|    But yes, all designers of clothes should put pockets in no matter what gender you say should be wearing those clothes
    Yes, that is a corollary and I agree that given that, then yes, all phones should be on silent all the time|    But that isn't a thing and yes,    Okay, yeah
 Fine| Have your f***ing point
    Lots of swearing on this bench!| Let's get the bleeper engaged
    Your turn for another controversial opinion if you can remember what|    I can't actually remember it, I'm having to get my phone out
    I'm going to have to get my phone out as well|    
and check what my last controversial opinion was|    That's it, yes    There is no reason in the 21st century for any car    except for advanced sports cars and things like that to not have an automatic gearbox
    In the 21st century in Britain there is no reason to have this    rubbish manual gearbox by default    It's bollocks and it requires you to take|    even if you're on automatic, even if you know    
even if your brain has completely internalized the ability to use clutch & gear stick and everything,    that is still mental energy that could be spent on stuff other than changing gears like paying attention to the road|    I have driven automatic cars
    Yes    |that are so slow at changing gear and setting off that I have nearly had accidents on a roundabout,    compared to what I would have been able to pick in a manual gearbox myself
    If you're on a fast-moving roundabout and    With a manual gearbox if I've got it in first gear I know it's in first gear    I know it's gonna set off as soon as I hit the bloody| button,    then I can go in one of the slightly smaller gaps where it's still safe to do so,    but by being in an automatic gearbox    That's slower to set off; then that's    Reduced the number of available opportunities to pull out at complicated junctions,    which means the tailback gets considerably longer
    Yes, I would argue that's outweighed by the need to go    HMNGFLNMNGM (and other assorted noises)    as opposed just going    *presses foot onto imaginary pedal*    Second nature to me; I've been driving for a decade|    I've been driving for two years
    I still think that North America has it right with automatic by default| I understand    Yes, for their roads!
    Yeah, I understand why in the developing world because automatic gearboxes are a bit more expensive|    Yeah, they're really expensive
    you're not going to see them as much, but we live in a world with    Pretty much everything else like|    we have automatic windows in cars now
 We have automatic choke in cars-    No one is reaching out to change the choke in the car,    But why isn't that manual?| It's second nature to people who've been driving with chokes all their lives
    Why is that automatic now?|    I admit you may have a point with manual control but I still think it should be automatic by default
    Changing the choke doesn't help you control the vehicle| It's just one of the steps in-    Several minutes of carguing later
    Engine braking; you can't engine brake in-    You can engine break in an automatic-    Several more minutes of carguing later|    Next point
    Yeah, okay, fine|    Chips: the only rightful condiment is Mayo,    and by chips
 I mean big chunked things of    Potato that are deep fried so then they are crispy on the outside and they are fluffy on the inside|    You're wrong- vinegar
    Euegh|    No!
 That'll make it go soggy!|    And?
    Mayo!|  -No    I'm not averse to mayo I'm just saying it's not the only possible condiment
    Right| I've hit you with a food one,    I'll hit you with a drink one
    Right|    Coffee, tea; can be drunk cold- After you've left it for a bit, and forgotten about it(!
)    Coffee| Tea
 Couldn't give a damn!|    Don't drink the stuff
    You can have that| I can sail by unmolested
    Hey!| On a similar vein, beans!
    Baked beans|    Yeah?
    They're fine cold!|    Get out
    "Oh, you can't eat cold beans|" Yeah, you can it tastes the same just cold
    You can|    I admit that it is physically possible to do that, but no!
    No!| You're not gonna have cold beans
    People eat cold carrots|    They're not in a tomato sauce- No!
    No!| No, I'm not having that
    Salsa: cold onions in a tomato sauce    Cold beans: there's cold beans in a tomato sauce    I'm having trouble coming up with a rebuttal to this one|    One point!
    Can we call this a draw?|    Yeah
    -Hi, I'm Matt,  -And I'm Tom  -And I'm laughing too much|    -Hi, I'm Matt,  -And I'm Tom  -And this is the park bench
    You're still laughing too much on that one|    -Hi, I'm Matt,  -And I'm Tom,  -and that was very high pitched and this is
    hafadafahafada|    Attempt number 9!
  Audience, are you ready?|    That’ll do, then, can we please have an  enormous round of applause for…
    I’m not|    I’m not quite ready
    What are you doing over there?|    He’s popped out again
    My trousers aren’t quite where I want them|    Are they on you?
    Yeah|    Okay
    All of you?|    Ankles count as on, right?
    Yeah, close enough|    - Can we have a round of appl…
  - Stop it!|    What are you d…
?|!
    I wasn’t comfortable!|    You do this every season
    Every season, I look round and  see you adjusting your personage!|    I’m not adjusting…
    I was adjusting my belt!|    Can we please have a round of applause to  start the show!
  2014, what did the local Highland League  football club do?|    What, did they get a cow as a mascot?
    Yes!|    Did they get, like, a big comedy-costume cow?
    Really?|    Yes, you’re absolutely right, spot on
    Comedy mascot for the football team,  and that is now…| that’s the local…
|    That can be a road to success and power
    I know someone who played the Hartlepool mascot,  who is a monkey|    Well, we know the Hartlepool  monkey story, right?
    We’ve done that|    No, you should mention that, ‘cos that’s  not going to…
    Hartlepool, town on the north east Coast,  Napoleonic Wars,    There is a shipwreck off the coast of Hartlepool|    No human survivors but washed up on the beach  is a monkey
    Okay?|    Normal, normal, everyday kind of monkey
    The people of Hartlepool get the monkey,  try and talk to it|    Monkey just replies with, ook-ook-ook,  as monkeys would
    Wait, wait, hold on, sorry, the words  “try to talk to it” were in there|    Well, they saw this figure…
    Hartlepool doesn’t have the greatest reputation…|    It was a ship’s mascot, so it was in clothes
    It was dressed as a sailor|    Duh
    As they try to talk to the monkey, the monkey  – mehh!| – didn’t reply
    So they thought the monkey was talking French,  and hung it as a spy|    They are therefore called the monkey-hangers,    Their mascot for the club is a monkey called  H’Angus the Monkey,    Who ran for mayor of Hartlepool…
 and won|    That is Stewart Drummond, according to this
    Yes!|    Did you say you know him?
    My brother knows him, yeah|    He got sent off a lot of times for being a  naughty monkey at the football
    In very inappropriate fashions, by the way|    There have been several H’Anguses since,  they’ve been all successively sacked
    There’s something about the costume,  I believe it’s bewitched|    I think that’s the way I’d call it
    I’m sorry, is this like the  Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher?|    Someone’s placed a curse on them,    and no one will survive in the monkey costume  for more than one season?
    I think so!|    It’s not like Yorkie the Lion at York, he’s  well-behaved
    Yes, you’re…| wh…
 you know what, I’m  not even telling that story, yes, that was…|    Yes, very naughty monkey
    Yes!|    Let’s move on…
  Go!|    Alright, we've got six minutes until we have to literally grab that camera    and get out of this park before it closes [Matt laughs]    - I've nearly  fallen foul of that before    -You ready?
    -Yes!|    [Intro Sting]    - Hi, I'm Matt    - and I'm Tom    - and this is a park bench, speed round!
    - Six minutes of motivational advice because we tweeted: what should we talk about?|    Here were the most popular topics: the Olympics,    - [stuttering] What what what why where do you get your ideas from?
 And, how do you do so much?|    - yeah, why are we nonstop?
 He says, dropping a Hamilton quote in there(!|)    Hamilton?
    Oh, I'll tell you about that|    Christine?
    Someone did point out, and this is a reference that isn't going to land for everyone, that you can    sing the phrase "♪ Neil and Christine Hamilton ♪" to the opening theme of Hamilton    so that's good    - I don't know what Hamilton is!|    That's a joke out there for the overlap of 'people who know the songs from Hamilton'    and 'people who know obscure British politicians from 10 years ago'    - Comment!
 [laughs]    - How do we get so much done?|    - Uh
    Well I don't    - You have a full-time job    - I have a full-time job| We do this once a week, we cheat; we record several in one go    - yeah    - Okay, we came here to
 we forgot that the sun sets a bit early now that it's the solstice    - and the park's gonna close    - yeah    - We have filmed four| But, so, I mean I keep cajoling you into stuff and then sometimes you keep cajoling    me into stuff    - yeah we're good at being enthusiastic at opposite times so if I can't be bothered to record the bench    that day you'll probably go [motions] you know, we gotta go do this    - so, advice number one: find a foil
 Find someone who is the opposite of you to work with and against    someone who, when you're feeling grumpy will poke you into doing stuff and vice versa    - and learn to recognise each other's signs| We can tell when we're about
 when we're both    in opposite moods in such a way that it'll piss each other off    - and I didn't, I didn't notice that at EMF; I didn't notice that because I was on a massive down-swing    you spotted it, told me to go grab some food, suddenly I'm back 15 minutes later going    "Come on, we can do this!|"    - Before that EMF video,  if we'd have done it 15 minutes earlier that would not have come out    - yeah, yeah, I basically inhaled a plate of food and I was fine
 So, find a foil, find someone who you can't    let down| Even if that's your audience or your family or whatever
 Find someone who is going to poke you    to do the stuff so you cannot procrastinate    - and I wouldn't wanna post publicly that "oh, we're  gonna do this by this date" because    - yeah    - you don't want to let everyone down    - no    - but if you work together then| I'm rarely completely on time for things, I'm a last minute person    - yeah,    - but if I was gonna go somewhere on my own versus going to meet you somewhere, I'm more    likely that'll I'll actually turn up [laughs]    - yeah, absolutely right, well I
 so, many many years ago, uh I was training for a marathon    I didn't do it; uh, medical| Turns out I will never be able to run a marathon, long story, um, but the reason I    able to get as far as I did is because I was running with Chris from TechDif, we were both    running together and the reason I was able to get out of bed at six in the bloody morning every day to    train is because I knew I would let him down if I didn't    [Matt makes an indistinct noise of approval]    - uh, also a massive sense that the world is beating me at things    - oh really?
    - What's his name from Smarter Every Day?| You saw that video?
 The one where he did; why you should    take your oxygen mask off?|    - I was watching that thinking 'Tom, we can't do this now, I really wanted go there, ya bastard    - I knew  that fact, I've seen that demonstration before, all the material for that was in my head,    and I didn't think of it!
    - That ticks the box of 'Blue Peter did it 15 years ago we can do it again    - Better!| He got to swim above the ISS replica model, so I looked at that and went, wrmgh!
    I'm not big enough to, I can't!| [shouts indistinctly]    Go do things!
 That's how|    - Yes, like right, if you're gonna do that we got to    - Look at the people who are doing far far better than you are and go "Why am I not there yet‽"    Which is basically me constantly
    [laughter]    That's a rare heartfelt moment there, or possibly sarcastic, I can't tell    - Bit of both    - Yeah, um that's my motivation, what's yours?|    - Um, learning
 I like to constantly learn new things and do things, all the videos on my channel are    generally because I'm not very good at editing video, I don't get much practice, so let's edit some    stuff together, and I like making timelapses they look pretty so most of my stuff is pretty timelapses    like New York which I went to on holiday    - Yes    - and part of it is the same reason I use instagram my motivation for posting that like I do it once    week minimum (actually once a day at the moment) is I take photos, I take videos they just sit they just sit    I'm a creative person, I do creative things, but I don't want it just to be for nothing, so my instagram    is photos on my phone that would never have gone anywhere, and my youtube channel is generally    videos that I've recorded of stuff and things that, you know, like, you record stuff on your phone and    you show it to six people and then it never goes anywhere; I'm trying to edit those together,    not specifically for other people but so I can find them again and go 'oh yeah I did that'|    That's kind of my motivation
    - So, given we've got about a minute left probably, I don't know when my timer's gonna go off    there are people out there watching this instead of making stuff    and I don't want to say 'Go make stuff'    but go make stuff!|    - and if you quite don't know what to make then look at similar things try and find some kind of    inspiration, what do you like doing; it doesn't have to be related just
    - it took me ten years of chucking stuff out on the internet before I found a formula that worked    Um, and I get, occasionally, emails that say, you know, how do I start off something how do I do that    and I've kind of got this stock, it's now a stock response that's been honed over years, it's almost    flippant| Which is that, you make a thing, and you see if it's popular, and then, if it is, you keep making    the thing, and if it's not popular, you stop making the thing and you make something else, and    eventually, you will find something that works; and it might take you six months, if you're lucky    - it might take a lot longer    It might take you a century, but at least you'll be trying and every single thing that you did along the    way will help you when that eventually takes off    - and we weren't joking when we said we have to leave    - Yeah this is not shtick, this is us genuinely having about ten minutes to get into a car and out of this    park before it closes so, um until then    [Matt laughs]    Oh were you time-lapsing the bench!
    - Yep!|    - Are you gonna do a behind the scenes on the park bench while I'm up in the arctic Matt?
    - Maybe!|    - Bye!
  Today's show is sponsored by  Marilyn Manson's Fancy Dancin'|    This is the Technical Difficulties
  We are playing Citation Needed|    I have an almost-randomly selected article from Wikipedia in front of me    and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    and there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is|    Now, sometimes the random article selector    comes out with something that I definitely can't use
    Sometimes it comes out with something wonderful|    And sometimes it comes out with something like
    The Neckarwestheim Nuclear Power Plant|    [Laughter]    'Neck a vest' is when you get a pint of vest    and just try and try and down it
    Warming!|    Nekavestnominate!
    Actually, I found out what the German for 'neknominate' was,    and it's 'Biernominierung'|    ALL: Ahhh!
    Yes!|    It's got a lovely
 Biernominierung|    Yeah, it's got that kind of assonance in it that really really sells it
    'Neknominate'| enh
    'Ich Biernominierung Hans!|' It still works
    — Yeah|  — It still works
    Ohh, 'neck vest'|    Neckarwestnominate: you have to build a nuclear power plant in your back garden
    I was thinking you'd just have to wear a really bad sweater for the next day|    Really tight '80s tank top
 That kind of thing|    Sorry, it just occurs to me that Starfleet spandex uniforms    don't really fit all body types
 There's just|    That's a fair point!
 You never saw a fat Starfleet captain, did you?|    That's what I was thinking
    What about Scotty?|    No, but he didn't wear, like, the first version Next Generation ones,    you know, the *really* tight 'you can see their junk' level ones
    Oh yeah, they did fit, didn't they?|    Can you imagine being a bit of a chunkier fellow in one of them?
    Just the gut hanging out|    I suspect that enough TNG conventions have brought us this image
    'I've split my uniform, sir|'    — '
again|'  — 'Again
'    [Sad trombone]    Are you just improvising a '70s sitcom on board the USS Enterprise?|    Carry On Enterprise!
 Yeah|    Oh, actually that would have been really good
    Yeah!| Carry On Star Trek could actually have been a thing
    It's around about the right time|    Goodness, I'm glad we're riffing on this,    because frankly Neckarwestheim Nuclear Power Plant doesn't
    [Laughter]  |doesn't have that much in the way of —    Is it in Russia?
    No, it's in Germany|    Can anyone tell me its nameplate capacity?
    Nameplate capac| Nameplate?
!|    They could have fit dozens and dozens of nameplates in there,    but that lousy nuclear fuel
    Why are you putting name badges into a nuclear reactor?|    That sounds like the worst thing you could do!
    Fifty nameplates per square metre|    When you've got a name like that, it must go right to the edge of the
    I'm imagining this place looks exactly like the one off Thunderbirds|    It's got a big circular sphere thing in the middle,    and with a name that long it's going all the way around the edge
    Literally — I'm giving you a point| That is pretty much exactly what it looks like
    Hahey!|    Does anyone want to tell me what 'nameplate capacity' is?
    — Why don't *you*?|  — I'd thought it was the power output
    — No!| Name
  — Yeah!| Point
 [DING]    Is it?|    It's the nominal capacity
  It's the maximum it can put out, sustained|    It's — to use your Star Trek reference again — maximum warp
    Oh!| I see
    About 2|2 gigawatts
    — Of course!| Argh!
 Just what I was going to say|  — Yes!
    It's hard to generate interesting questions about nuclear power plants|    Let's go a bit more generically
    What would happen if you wee in the reactor?|    That's an interesting question about a nuclear power plant right there
    Your dick falls off|    Into the coolant, in which the
    Into the reactor via a pipe|    Okay?
 I'm not talking about opening the top up and just weeing in there|    I know exactly that a jet of neutrons will come out    and turn my dick into Godzilla, or something like that, right?
    I'm| I mean, I'm imagining it's just
    ROAR!|    It's such a brilliant image, I'm sorry!
    I think we should all just take a breath,    and appreciate that what we're actually seeing    is a remake of Godzilla, just with a tiny Brannan    — perched somewhere very high in the shot|  — [Screams]    Going, 'Oh ****, I shouldn't have pissed in
'    'however-you-pronounce-it Nuclear Reactor|'    'No, no, don't destroy Tokyo!
 We need that|!
'  'ROAAAR!|'    You'd look like an amazing Rod Hull and Emu
    What if Rod Hull had pissed into a nuclear reactor?|!
 Would Emu have come real?|    No!
  [Laughter]    Would the emu have become welded to his arm and sentient?|    Folks, if we do have any experts in nuclear physics watching
    'Help me!|'    Or indeed in Rod Hull
    Yeah|    Just
 do tell us what would happen|    I mean, I'm imagining it would be basically like    pissing on the stones in a sauna, only a thousand times worse
    [Steam sounds]  — Yeah|    And then, if you have got an emu on your hand, it comes real
 Right?|    [Laughter]  You've basically got a cloud
    If you have the foresight to bring an emu with you|    Which I would, naturally!
    |a cloud of radioactive piss-steam,    — essentially, is what comes out there
  — Ha!|    Also, if you've got a real emu, and your hand up its arse,    it turns into a puppet
    — Ohh!|  — It cuts both ways
    Science is amazing!|    So anyway, this nuclear power plant
    Yes| How long has it been operating?
  (I'm just naming questions|)    Since '54
    All right| Okay
 Let me have a go, let me have a go|    This is looking like something out of Thunderbirds
    Yep| And it's a West German nuclear power plant
    And it's in West Germany, so — that's fine, because it's been influenced    by American and British technology of the time in nuclear reactors,    which is what?| Influenced Gerry Adam —    Not Gerry Adams!
 Gerry Anderson!|    Gerry Adams' Thunderbirds!
    — We're on dangerous territory here, lads|  — WHOA, everybody!
    I wasn't going to say anything more to follow that|    I was going to let it run all on its own!
    I was just assuming|    During the '80s their voices were provided by actors
    [Laughter]  Yes|    I was thinking the entire series as being silhouetted,    like The Hood in the opening credits
 It just never comes out of it|    Oh, s***!
    |Gerry *Anderson* would have been influenced by
    So I'm going to say, 19| 59, 1960?
    I said '54|    Er, '63
 Why not|    You're closest
 Point| '71
 [DING]    — Yes!|  — Argh!
    Closest without going over!|    W*****!
    Which was late enough that it got what?|    That earlier power plants may not have had?
    Safety!| And protection
    Yeah, it's got to be something like that|    Following Windscale, yeah
 Yeah|    A ribbon to open it with
    Er, it was more something that they wouldn't have wanted|    Protest
    Protest!| [DING] Protest
 Have a point|    Absolutely right
 Blocked the entrance with an eight-metre wall|    Oh, fair p—  A wall?
    Yes|    — They don't just appear
  — A wall of|?
    Literally, a wall of breeze blocks that they brought with them|    What do you mean, brought — bollocks!
    Good on — that's some classic protest!| I like that
    Yeah, but how long is it —    Whoa, whoa| Eight-metre-long
    Not eight-metre-high|    Ahhh
    Just over the entrance road, yeah|    — Still pretty cool
  — I'm gonna say|    Yeah, that's a pretty good protest
    Like, we're not going to chain *ourselves* down|    Because I've got to say, there's some security guard that's sat there,    sipping his, I don't know, his schnapps or coffee or whatever, going —    Schnapps?
!|  [Laughter]    I don't think security guards on nuclear power stations    are allowed schnapps
    It might be cold|    They're looking outside, someone's building a wall
    'Hmm| Better do something about that soon
'    [Drunken singing]    You know| You could easily just come out and go,    'Hey, hey, hey
 Leave it| Leave it
 Don't do that| Put it down
'    There is an international market for electricity|    Every time EastEnders ends, we have to buy in power from the continent    and bring it over to the UK
    And French nuclear power stations have to    stick another rod of uranium on, or something, I don't know|    [Laughter]  I don't think
!|    — Just into a frying pan!
  — Stick another log on!|    I think that's how it works!
 I'm not a scientist, but I|    Ainsley Harriott's Nuclear Power
  'I'll bang it in there, it's lovely|'    'Just bring another nuclear rod in from the shed, would you?
'    — 'I think it's going to get cold|'  — 'Yeah, all right
'    Have you got the schnapps?| It's cold out there
  [Laughter]    Mind you, you're saying this|    I went to York's nuclear bunker    ALL: Oooh!
    |the other day
 I went and did the tour|    And one major gripe: the guy doing the tour pronounced it 'nucular'
    [Groans]    That aside — very, very interesting|    Is this the one with the sign that says 'Secret Nuclear Bunker — This Way'?
    Yeah| It says
    Right next to the windmill as well| I had a brilliant day
    I had a tourist's tourist's tour of Holgate|    — Windmills and bunkers!
  — Windmills and bunkers|    That's like Bedknobs and Broomsticks
    [Laughter]  |only more about power generation
    But it turns out, they didn't have NBC suits|    Er
 Nuclear, Biological, Chemical|    They didn't have the standard protection suits
    So what you've got is a hundred and eighty civilians,    trained to run this place in the event of nuclear attack|    The first sixty to get there would be allowed in
    The other hundred and twenty were told,  'Go home to your families; enjoy dying|'    Wow
    I'm imagining that looking like a rather grimmer version of It's A Mad, Mad World|    Oh yeah
    Sixty| That's not many
    No| The sixty that are in there can only survive for thirty days;    work a hot bed system, twenty hours each;    don't have NBC suits to go up on the roof to check the readings;    the thing can't survive a direct hit, which is anywhere within twelve miles;    Oh
    |and these are the volunteers
 These are the people that *want* to be there|    It's full of mechanical equipment
    so the police had a list of engineers,    which they would randomly select from,    and at this point it all goes a bit Soviet Russia|    Because the police go, and invite them to join, and come and help,    and if they say no, they're arrested, and they go along to help anyway
    Wow|    I'd just go straight to the 'arrested', personally
    Yeah| 'There's two ways we can do this
'    But it's the thought of everyone pelting in,    in various methods of technology|    Yeah, and the sixty-first person just
    — 'Darrrgh!|'  — 'Ooooh!
'    'Doooh!|'    It seems wrong to have this as a farce in my head,    but in my head, the door closes, it just kind of
    — Bonk!|  — Yeah
    Bounces back down the steps, yeah?|    Either that or the last person runs in and reaches out,    and pulls his hat back in before the door shuts
    It's really weird as well, because they do the tours on an hourly basis,    or an hour-and-a-quarter basis,    and if you're not there when they go in, you're not allowed in|    They go and close off the spiked top fence,    then they close the blast door behind you, and you go and do the tour
    So when we come out, having had —    you know, it's seriously paranoic down there|    — Yeah
  — It's weird, it's like|    This was never used
 This is the weirdest ******* **** I've| eugh!
    This is strange| This should be a film set, it's not
    And you go back out and you open the blast doors,    and there's all these people on the fence just waiting to be let in for the next tour!|    [Laughter]  Aaaa!
 Aaa!| It's like Threads!
 It's like Threads happened!|    It's Threads turned up to eleven
    If you guys are around on a different Sunday,    because we're going to be busy tomorrow,    You'll — well, you'll hate it, but you'll all love it, I'm sure| It's great
    No!| No!
 No!| Because it'll make me think of Threads!
    Yeah!|    Speaking of that bunker tour, they're still doing
    well, they *were* still doing tours around the Chernobyl site|    — Yes
  — Yeah|    Well, it's slowly becoming more acceptable to go in there
    But the roof's about to cave in there|    — they haven't finished fixing it, so
  — Oh, no, no, no|    — Not in terms of fallout, I mean
  — Yeah|    20,000 years or whatever before it's habitable
    But the restrictions around it are slowly slackening so that you can go in|    Yeah
 What was a pretty impossible tourist destination ten years ago    is| they were doing package tours five years ago,    and now it's got to the point where they're opening it for filming
    They're just letting people in|    And it's always been kind of a porous border anyway,    — because locals could just come in
  — Yeah|    Some of their people are still living there
    — Yeah|  — Yeah, some people refused to move
    Wildlife's thriving|    — Oddly
  — Oddly| Weirdly
    So, you know what?|    Fling another nuclear rod on, it seems like it's fine!
    Stick another rod on the barbie|    [Laughter]  I was just thinking that
    Just to drag it back to being silly|    Yeah
    Obviously, the bunker in York is one of the big command centre bunkers|    Yes!
    And it was decommissioned and whatever else|    Was it an RSG?
    To use the technical terminology — Regional Seat of Government?|    No, that was the bunker over the road
    Which is now gone and is now a modern-built block of flats, but it was near there|    Not as big as the Harrogate one, because obviously that's the
    — the backup national one or whatever|  — Yeah
 Yeah|    But yeah
 There's like thirty or sixty of these bigger ones, with the sixty people    who get to wait for thirty days to go outside and die, but anyway|    And they've been sold off or whatever else
    One of them, you can paintball in|    ALL: Ohhh!
    And obviously, on top of this, there's all the little three-man ones    that are out in the hills and around|    The Royal Observer post ones, yeah
    Yeah| They're being sold off as real estate
    Yeah| It's all ROC
    — Can you?|!
  — Yeah|    The nearest one for us is in Fulford, and it's somebody's wine cellar
    Ohhh, yes!|    And there are also people who will do package tours,    where the three of you can go and be in this hole    for three or four days, for a watch cycle of the ROC
    Next filming location!|    Three of us cooped up in one location for an entire weekend?
    I'd go spare anyway|    Can you imagine the maft?
    [Groans]    Well, this is the thing about this hot bed system|    You've got sixty of them on eight-hour shifts, twenty at a time,    and you literally
 just climb back in|    That's the hot bed idea
    And you've got a litre of water a day, so you're not going to wash with it|    At that point, when the world has ended
    I'd drink my own piss, quite frankly|    Oh no, there was enough to drink, just about
    No, he would anyway!|    Sorry, I was tempted to end on that line
  Just cut to black|    
on that|    'I'd drink my own piss, quite frankly!
'    [Laughter]  Thump!|    'FIN
'    All right| On that
    'On that nuclear bombshell|'    [Groans]    Clarkson!
!|    Congratulations, Chris, you win this one
    Just for talking for the longest|    Just for talking for the longest, yeah
    But with knowledge and aplomb!|    — A plum?
  — A plum!|    I also have other fruits!
    A nuclear plum|    You've won a piece of classical music played using old military ordnance
    — Ah|  — That fits
    It's Pachelbel's "Cannon in D"|    — Until next time, that's been Matt Gray
  — Bye-bye!|    That's been Gary Brannan
    That's been Chris Joel|    'It's the end of the world as we know it
'    I've been Tom Scott| We'll see you next time
    Congratulations!|  You made it through the wilderness and to the credits
    Leave us a comment if you liked the show,  or better yet, tell your friends|    And there are more than thirty audio episodes    of our reverse trivia podcast at techdif
co|uk
    [Translating these subtitles?| Add your name here!
]  ♫intro theme♫    Hi, I'm Matt    --And I'm Tom    --And we are on a par-theaa-    Hi, I'm Matt  [laughing]    [both laughing]    I    am from Yorkshire    but I live in the South|    People in the South    think I'm Northern
    --Yeah|    People in the North    think I'm Southern
    --Yes and therefore everyone hates you|    --Yes
    --Could be worse|    I'm from the Midlands
    I'm from the East Midlands|    I'm from near Nottingham originally,    which is neither North nor South
    The river Trent which goes through nearby    is meant to be one of the borders between the two,    and that means    I'm, I'm Northern enough to  be considered a Northerner    in London,    Southern enough to be  considered a Southerner in Yorkshire,    and, again, everyone hates you|    --And if we were speaking  to a Scottish person
    --They'd, yeah|    --We're, we're bloody Southerners
    --Yes, yes we are Sassenachs  I believe the term is|    --Ah
    --And there is a North/South divide    in the same way that there is in the US|    In the hay--    In a haycka--    hackah--    Ahh, that got away from me
    A heck of a lot of countries|    [laughter]    --"Hackofalottacountries
"    Including Shenley|    --Um, Yes
    Britain has a North/South divide|    --Now, I think the reas--I can tell the reason for    Northerns thinking I'm Southern, and    --Yeah, go for it    --Southerners thinking I'm Northern
    Is my accent|    Because,    it's reasonably R
P|    Explain that:    --[in R
P|]Received[cough] Oh!
 oh!|    --Ooh!
    [continues coughing]    --Wind, strong| Wind strong
    Received Pronunciation:    the Queen's English,    BBC English|    Carry on
    --[R|P
-like] And, as you know,  I can speak a little bit like this|    [laughter]    --That's Prince Charles with constipation
    [more laughter]    [constipated grunts]    [a-la Prince Charles] Mummy, would  you mind passing the toilet roll?|    It's not quite enough!
    [laughter]    --"Mummy?|"    Ugh
    --Actually, the queen wouldn't pass the toilet roll|    She'd just pass a corgi
    [laughter]    --I think the brown marks on them are from that|    That's a heck of a joke
    That's a joke you can't get away with on  many royal families these days|    That'd get me shot in some countries
    Sorry|    [laughter]    Southerners, Southerners
    --[in Northern accent] Uhh, yeah, so I speak a bit posh,    but I also speak a bit Northern innit?|  [chuckles]    So I will say bath rather than bɑth
    --Yes, because that's one of the big differences|    --Um garage [gæɹɘd͡ʒ] rather than garage [gɘrɑʒ]
    --Yep|    --Um
    --And I'll do exactly the same|    --Yeah    --'Cause, uh I grew up a little bit in Yorkshire,    but mostly near Nottingham
    So I've got this weird accent that  very few people can trace|    It's a bit of Mansfield in there,    Which is the town I grew up in
  Which| eeh    Um, heh    It's--I shouldn't insult my hometown
    --But he's gonna!|    --But I just did
  [laughter]    Um, no, but [sigh]    Mansfield I--I    it produced me|    --It's a relic of something that isn't there anymore
    --Yeah, it's an ex--it's, well it was  never a mining town itself,    but it was surrounded by  mining towns| So when the
    when Maggie Thatcher  closed down the mines,    as the story goes,    uh, yeah, it was not|    er
    Anyway|    Moving on, I grew up there
    --But accents do a lot in the UK|    --Yes
  --So they're, I think,    um,    you can, accents are so  much more regional in the UK    than they are in the US|    --In most of the world
    --People can tell the difference    between,    say a    a Hull, a York, a Leeds    and a Huddersfield accent|    They're all Yorkshire accents
    --As a translation, that's like  telling the difference between    a Houston and a Dallas|    No, it's like a Dallas and a Ft
 Worth accent|    It's like those two cities,  which are now one big city    had different accents
    It's that kind of distance|  --Yeah
    --But, that's actually getting less these--    Sorry, linguistics!|    I'm taking this over
  --That's fine go for it|    --Clonk, linguistics degree
    Uh, the Internet, and increasing travel    has meant that accents are  starting to spread out and merge|    Uh, fifty, a hundred years ago,    you could easily tell the difference between    villages on the other side    on different sides of a river
    Uh, if you're in some regions of the UK now    no, it's all spread out|    --There was a thing I saw:    I can't talk about this in detail    because I can't remember it much    but I think I'll try and link to it below
  [laughter]    Uh, I think it might be on one of the BBC pages    where there was a survey of accents    between the nineties and fifty years before that?|    --Yeah
    --And there are audio recordings of different areas|    Is it not BBC?
 Is it Cambridge Uni or something?|    --It's probably, yeah
    But, yeah, Yorkshire, presumably|    --Yeah
    And you can|    --Wind's changed, Matt
    [laughing]    --Hey, you can see the little strap|  --Oh, yeah
    --from the camera, I'm gonna move that, sorry|    Thank you, Shenley
    Hey, I've brought the microphone with me,  --Yeah, I|    --so, no matter what Tom says    [laughing]    I can talk about him behind his back
  [no audio from Tom]    By behind his back, I mean right in front of him|    Okay, I'll come back now
    So, coming with me|    Adjusting my trousers as  I sit down onto this    chainsawed bench
    [laughter] --Where were we?|  --We carry on    with what we were talking about
    And why am I?| It's cause  I got the mic, isn't it?
    --Yeah|    [laughter]    --[in Northern accent] Yeah, accents and stuff, right?
    --Yeah|    Say that again?
    --[normally] Yeah, accents and stuff, right?|    --Yeah, so it's a North/South thing:    bath/bɑth    [garage] gæɹɘd͡ʒ/gɘrɑʒ    things like that are the big differences    that    apparently change somewhere  around the river Trent where I'm from
    --And I'm from York, which has both    people that speak right Yorkshire,    --Yeah, right Yorkshire|    --[chuckles] and then,    the other half which speak sort  of more like what I do
    [giggling]    [laughter]    --Thank you Ernie White!|    [more laughter]    Second obscure reference of this film
  [even more laughter]    [laughter]    [sighs]    --A lot of professional work's in the South    isn't it?|    And a lot more manual work's in the North?
    --Yeah|    Um, industry,  --Industry!
    --Industry was always in the North,    --'cause Sheffield is steel|    --Yep
    Uh, what else is there| Coals to Newcastle
    There's actually an expression "coals to Newcastle|"    Which means it's a stupid idea  to take something there    they've got too many of them already
    Um, the North was always indust--    [wind]    Hah, I wasn't miming that|    I was actually off balance
    --Thanks, Shenley|    [chuckles]    --Thenley
    [laughs]    Um, the North is always industry  the South is always|    um    clerical
  --Uh, top hats and--    --Yeah|  [chuckles]    And it's not quite that, I mean  mining was in the south west was well
    Wales was always mining, but    the kind of south east of England  was always where the money was    and still is|  --Yeah
    --I saw a wonderful example|    I read a wonderful example,    I'm gonna have to try and find the reference,    which said, to explain what London is like    as kind of the center of Britain to Americans
    They always complain that  Washington is in the news too much|    'Cause it's where the politics are
  --Yeah|    --Imagine if Washington    also had Wall St
    which is in New York,    and Hollywood,    and Silicon Valley,    and they were all in one city|    --Anything you
    It's got a little bit better recently,    but anything you'll see on TV,    or in the news    will be in and around London|    Or this: you're watching a cooking program,    and they'll say, "you can get," um, I don't know,  like, "kaffir lime leaves in your local supermarket
"    --Yeah, no|  No
    --You can in London|    --Yes
    --Because London's very multicultural|    --Yeah
    --There are pockets in  the rest of the UK are,    but generally it isn't|    --And you als-- I mean there are  other places stuff gets from
    Manchester now has MediaCity|    Glasgow's got a few things
    --BBC shipped off half of its  operation to Manchester,    so you'll now see London and Salford High Street|    --Yeah, but the--  --Salford's in Manchester    --All the independant companies get  bonuses for not filming in London,    but they don't normally do it because    --They're based there
    it's too much effort|    They know London
    --Yep|  --It,    it's bad
    --And let's be honest,    we both moved down there for the jobs    and the work|    --Because the media industry is    based in London
  --Yep|    --There's pockets of it, but--    --And all the places we're gonna be filming    for the next few Park Benches
    'Cause I'm imagining this is the  last one we're doing in Shenley|    Thank you, Shenley
    [laughs]    It's gonna be this kind of region, isn't it?|    --Because it's where we are, it
    [through laughter] it's not like these are sponsored|  --Yep
    --We're doing it out of our own pockets|    --There are many attempts  to revitalize the North
    Hell, I spoke at Thinking Digital  for many years,    which is a conference up  in Newcastle/Gateshead,    uh, and they were all saying,    "yeah, we've got startups up here  we've got tech companies|    "
we've got everything like that|"  And they have!
    --Yeah|    --But they've got enormous  amounts of development money    to try and make that happen,    because if they don't then they're  all gonna move to London
    'Cause where else do you go?|    --But the one thing    that the North has better than down here    is a good fry up
    Good fish and chips    with mushy peas|    --Yes, that's true
    --black pudding in the fry up    --Yep|    If you want trad--  --PIES!
    [Tom sputtering]    --[Yorkshire accent]  Flat caps!| Whippets!
    I'm going for all the stereotypes here|    --You've gone full Yorkshire, here, Matt!
  [laughter]    [laughter]    The Yorkshire dial just got turned up,  [laughter]    but now I can't make those jokes  I'm not from Yorkshire|    --[Yorkshire accent] All right
    [laughter]    --By the way, flat caps and  whippets: not for eating|    Those are for wearing and--  [laughter]    --My caps are not for eating!
    [chuckles]  --but you don't wear ferre--    I was gonna say "ferrets"  --Ferrets?|    --What do you do with whippets?
    --Well, they're dogs|    --They're dogs
    So, all right, you breed whippets  and ferrets go up people's legs|    --Up people's legs, yeah
    --You've gone full Northern|  [laughter]    That's the North/South divide  in Britain anyway
    That's one of the things that  someone asked us to cover|    --Oh, was it?
    --Yes|    --Cool, well, we'll find you  afterwards and put you here:    --You know I'm not gonna find 'em
  --No|    --It's gonna be a big thing  there saying "SORRY
"    [laughter]    Anyway whatever you want us  to comment like next    put it in the comments after this one|    --Hit "Subscribe" if you want to see  our videos and know about it
    --Yeah, I do--let's b--let's be honest  [sputtering]    Sod it|    -- [through laughter] I like doing it  'cause I find it funny
    I don't feel like a vlogger|  --ah, were those words?
    --I know we're vlogging,  but I don't feel like a vlogger|    --Vlog!
?| We vlogged all over Shenley!
  [chuckles]    And she's not happy about it!|    [laughing]    ♫outro theme♫    ♫old man river♫  [laughter]    ♫that old man river♫  [MATT]: Hi, I'm Matt
    [TOM]: And I am Tom    Tom| -And this is the, well Christmas Market!
    -Yes, we are back—well, I say we are back here,    by this point you will have probably, if all has gone to plan,    have seen the video from here, and then seen a video from somewhere else,    and then maybe something else|    -We are recording several videos, out of order
    -Yes, because we can't release this video,    which is the behind the scenes from the Bremen tower,    until I've actually finished the video from the Bremen drop tower|    [indistinct chatter]  - [Laughs] Hi i'm Matt    - And I'm Tom [Laughs]    - And we're delirious today but we are    at the YouTube Space  - Yes we are    In their Woodland Fantasy
 Set    - Yes, that looks out on Pancras Road, so    welcome to 'Woodland News'    [Laughing]    - What are we talking about today on the news Tom?|  - Well
 Well this is an update    This is an update, you may remember, that a couple weeks ago    We did a Public Apology  - [Laughs]    - Or rather, I did    About 'This Image'    From 'This Video'    And|    [Laughing]    Um
 during the commentary, whilst we were on the bench here    As we were riffing back and forth    Um| As we do
 I said "If you've been affected    by the issues in this video, please call" and I put a number on screen  - Yep    Ah| Originally, I was just going to use one of the Ofcom    drama numbers there
    Which are|  - Like 555- Number in America    - Yea  - It's a Fake Number    - It's a guaranteed never-to-connect number    And then I realised I could do that    So I set up a number    And this is the tale of why I'm never doing that again    - What was the message?
 On the end of the| can we play that out to the people?
    - Yea we can|  - Phone it up and    - Yea, we can play that out to you    - Calls aren't expensive and stuff  - Yea it's about 30 seconds long    And it sounded like this
    [Tom's Recorded Message] "Hello, thanks for calling the support line for 'That Image'    from 'That Video'    Matt and I are sorry that you have been affected by 'That Image'    from 'That Video'| If i'm honest, though    we were just improvising on The Park Bench    I wouldn't actually go to the trouble of setting up a support line,    recording a personalised voicemail greeting, buying a phone number    and then bothering to set it all up so it actually works    just so you can get an easter egg for calling a number in a video    Okay, yea, I
 I totally did do that|    Thanks very much for calling, glad you like The Park Bench    and I'll see you soon on the internet"    - I'd like to point out, I knew nothing about this    I knew nothing of what he was going to apology
 about    - Oh yea, he went in this cold didn't you?|  - He said at the beginning of the video 'Can you just do a serious introduction please?
    Um| and then just follow my lead' [Laughs]  - Yea    I didn't know I was going to set
 I didn't know I was going to do the number joke    Um| Which
  - [Laughs] You came up with it on the fly    - Yea, which just to explain, like when they were    very special episodes of British    TV soaps or something like that, where| you know, someone got attacked    or someone was dealing with depression or something like that
    That would be the continuity announcement over the end of the program|    There would be someone
 can I get a continuity announcer mic?|    Um
    - If you get too close it clips  - No no, it'll be fine    - [Puts on voice] If you've been affected by any of the issues in the program'    please call this number for a help pack'  Or something like that    like it would always be that kind of deep|  It's like fine
    I'll set up a number and I'll put an easter egg on it    Now    Um| there are two options if you want to set up    a thing like that
 So I'm going to go into some code    There are two main companies who provide this| There is Twilio    and there is Nexmo    Twilio are US Based and Nexmo are European
    And like one's in Dollars and one's in Euros|    One optimises for US Traffic and one optimises for EU    And there are many pros and cons between them but only one of them has    given me some free credit to play with  - [Laughs]    That means I don't have to upgrade my account and put a credit card on there
    So, Twilio, thank you very much  - [Laughs]    They gave me cre| literally years ago at a hack date    someone gave me 20 bucks in Twilio credits
 I've probably used one over the years|    And its well
 you know| Its one cent per minute for a
    Hi!|    Umm
 It's one cent per minute for incoming calls  - [Laughs]    - Right    - So I figured, I have got like 19 bucks of credit on here    its a buck a month for a number    So I can handle 1800 incoming calls    With the free credits  - Oh    - Nexmo have given me some free credit as well    But in order to use it I have had to sign up and    add a credit card and it wasn't worth it    - The hassle hurdle|  - The hassle hurdle, exactly  [Laughs]    - David Hasslehoff's Hassle Hurdle    [Laughing]    I think I've just made it a TV format there    Um
 So I set it up and the other advantage of Twilio is    that you can literally, you can just buy the number    and then they have some things called Twimlets| you just take    - Twimlets [Laughs]  - You don't have to write much code    for simple stuff, you just take the URL they've produced    put it in there and give it a link to an mp3 file    in respects to the caching on the file and everything like that
    Hi!| Someone else is um
 is there    [Laughing]    It respects the um|Yea yea there we go
 Yep| Good Good    Give a thumbs up mate, thats nice, thats good    - We're in a photo, somewhere on the internet  - Yea we are    - Um
  - If you see that photo please tell us  [Laughing]    - You're never going to see that photo are you?|    Oh right
 where was I?| Um
    - Twimlets apparently, whatever they are|  - Yea okay, so it
 it takes um|    The way Twilio works is you set up a number, when someone    calls the number it pings your webserver    or in this case it pings there Twimlet server, so I didn't have to set up a web server or anything  - Oh Right    - It pulls some XML down
 Nexmo uses JSON and Twilio use XML    Pulls that down, decides what to do, answers the call,    does it, and it can play audio, it can record audio,    it can forward you to another number,    it can do interactive voice response, everything  - But what you did on this case was play audio    - All I did was play a number and disconnect    Um| I could have recorded samples    or something like that, I didnt
  - So you just played the message and disconnect    - Yep, um| because I figured if anybody is on the line for more than a minute, it's going to cost me more
    Side note and foreshadow    Twilio charge by the minute    Nexmo charge by the second for incoming calls    If I had gone with Nexmo    This would have ended up costing me about half as much    Because they were all 36 second calls  - [Laughs]    We'll get to that in a minute    - [Laughing]  - Yea, you can see where this is going    Um, set it up, play the thing out, put the number on there    Um| that number is now disconnected
 It's gone    It'll get released back into the pool in a few months when no one's calling it anymore    - And someone is going to get very confused, in a years time, when|    - When one person calls and gets someone else
    So it's fine: goes in the video, goes up and I figure    That maybe we'll get a hundred or a couple hundred calls    - Im guessing that it's an order of magnitude, if not two    from the look on your face    - 3,176 calls    to that number and I know that because my Twilio bill    is $31|76    - [Gasps Sarcastically]  - Less
 Yea, I know    Less the credit that they gave me    But it was sort of| a few hours after the video went up and I've gotta    make this call like    'Are people going to keep calling this number?
'    as I watch the funds tick off  - [Laughs]    I'm gonna have to sign up, actually put my credit card in here and i'm going to have to give them so    So thank you very much Twilio, your free credit successfully    suckered me into actually purchasing your services, well done    - You still had to do the Hassle Hurdle    - The Hasslehoff Hassle Hurdle, yes  - The Hasslehoff Hassle Hurdle hassled you later on    - Yes, which brings me to one last thing    Um| which is, I can run analysis on the numbers that have called us    - Okay
    - Now, and I have done| But what I have to say first of all is that obviously I can't    play with the raw numbers myself    because Data Protection Act stuff  - Yea    - Twilio has the numbers that have called them as apart of their logs    But I set up a thing that basically anonymises them by knocking the last 5 digits down to zeros    and then played with them
 So I know the rough area    that the call came from    Um| and Matt    Have an Excel spreadsheet printout because those are the countries    that we got calls from    - Woah!
 Anonymous  - Yes| Okay [Laughs]    - Okay, so if anyone withheld your number, it's not a freephone number    it was just a London number, so we don't
 If| by the way you can't withhold your number    to a freephone number    - Oh really  - Nope, doesn't work
 141 or whatever the US equivalent is    doesn't work to those| But we didn't have a freephone number    because that would have cost me 3 times as much, so    - So, two thirds of people who called us were from the UK    - That was unsurprising, it was a British number, I didn't bother putting up a US one  - It was a UK number    - I am surprised it's not higher, a lot of people made international calls to talk to us
    Or to| you know get a recorded voicemail message that he didn't know about    - Guess, I'll give you a few seconds now while I read the sheet    to guess the top 3 European countries    that called next
  - Yep, and while he's working that out    I will let you know that this Excel sheet was a goddamn    nightmare(!|) to put together    Have you ever tried to do prefix codes in Excel?
 There isn't a function for it    And also the way that dialling codes work    Um| you can have +44    That's for Britian, but that means there is not
    there is never going to be a +4 or a +441    Like| it's always    there's never any ambiguity    - It's always a non-ambiguous prefix  - Yes    - So one can't affect another  - Yes, which is great    except +1  - I was about to say, America is +1 though    - Yes
 no| yes it is    Canada is +1    Most of Latin America and the Caribbean is +1  - Really?
!|    - Yes    - Oh Yea
  - But I thought that was a Country Code    - Yes, so did I, guess| guess what I found out
    guess who's got a long rant about telephone numbers lined up    - Are we going to do that for next week?|    - Maybe the week after  [Laughing]    Someone actually emailed me, can you actually explain the UK    phone numbering system and I can't do that as a regular video    I can just do that as a long rant    to
 actually yeah, we'll do that    [Laughing]    Countries|  - So I said top 3 and there are all from Europe    - Ooh, wait  - I misread, one of them's not from Europe so
 we have    [Laughing]    UK, US and then| Australia  - Yep    That makes sense, yep    Then
 Netherlands    - Yep, okay    Then|    Germany  - Mhm    Whats the next European one then?
 Because then we've actually got the top 3 European    So we can set it up and um|    There will now be a brief pause as Matt works this out    - So that's the thing, with those, then there's a big gap where everything's about the same, so
    - Yep    - I was going to say China but that's not in Europe is it  [Laughing]    - Point being| point being, a lot of people    called us, thank you very much    - Sweden!
  - Sweden|    - Sweden
    - Thank you very much, we| I don't think    either of us realised quite how much
 like    I don't want to use the word influence    and that implies that we are influences and I don't like that but that's    I mean, a lot of people and also um|  - I'd say it's more    I would guess it was a 'they know how to do a joke, there's going to be a joke on that number, I want to hear that joke'    - Yes, to be fair it would have made a lot  - 'Cause I rang it    I had no idea you were doing it, I had to ring it    [Laughing]    - Yea that's true, the first time you found it was when you were adding metadata to the video    - Yea and I looked to see if it was an Ofcom number, because that's the first thing I thought you were doing  - Yea    - Oh, its not, that's a real number
 Oh God, what's he done?|    - Yep, that
 that sounds about right yea|    And also, while we're talking about influence
 Dr Finkel's Kickstarter    - Oooh  - Which sounds a lot like Dr Finlay's Case Book now I mention it    - I don't get that reference  - Only about 2 people will    Um|  [Laughing]    But I went for it anyway    - Yes, thank you to everyone who has Kickstarted the Kickstarter    'cause its started    - Yes, well yes, I think um
 they were aiming for    £10,000 and they're on 15,000 and a lot    of that is you folks, so thank you very much    Um| again, we didn't really realise    I was genuinely expecting an order of magnitude less    same as I was with the phone calls    that it was going to be, send    maybe a couple dozen people and it looks like hundreds    so that's really nice, thank you very much for that
    - Maybe we should get more Academics on the Bench    - You know what, I would like people| anyone who could teach us a thing    - Yea, that's what I was thinking as well  - Can you teach us something, regards to what that is    it may not even have to be on a Park Bench, if you can find out how to fold a decent    paper airplane because um    - That was a lot less [bleep] than I was expecting  - Yea, same here!
    - That actually went that way  - Yea    I'll take it  - Shall we end the video    on such a disappointing success?|  [Laughing]    - Yea I got nothing else to add, we worked ourselves up and it just
 just  - [Laughing]    - Should I summarise the video?|  - Yea go on    What have we learnt on the show today Matt?
    - You rang us more than he thought you were going to, that meant he spent more money than he thought he was going to    but it was only around a tenner    He can't make planes that fly straight|    but straighter than one would expect    - [Laughs]  - I have nothing to add    - And that just sort of petered out there didn't it?
  - Who's Peter?|  This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed
    Joining me today, he reads books you know, it's Chris Joel|    [mumbles] I've got something in my teeth
    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan|    Insert power cable here
    Where?|    Oh, you know
    You committed to that|  I didn't think you 'd go for that one
    I didn't think you'd go right in it|    Urgh!
    And the bounciest man on the Internet, Matt Gray|    Bienvenue, YouTube!
    In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it|    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [ding]
    And there's a special prize for a particularly good answers, which is|    And today we are talking about Project Cybersyn
    Oh!| Oh
!| Oh
 There are many cyber sins|    Is it a campaign by the Church of England to absolve robots of their sins?
    No, and it is spelt S Y N|    Oh come on!
 This is a novel or something|    Nope
 This is entirely real| But I'll admit it sounds a little bit science fictiony
    So is it sin or synthetic?|    It's an abbreviation of something
 I'll give you one point for that [ding]|    Ah, synergy
    Point!| [ding]    Wahey, uh-huh!
    It is indeed a portmanteau of cybernetics and synergy|    Is it a government policy somewhere?
    Ooh!| Yes, have a point [ding]
    Does anyone want to guess where in the world|    AMERICA!
    Which bit?|    [bad Southern US accent] The South
    Now| if I said the
    Whatever the answer was correct, is the one I meant|    Yes Gary, have a point
 It's in South America| [ding]    Yea!
    Chile|    No, I'm fine, I've got a jumper on
    I deliberately didn't pronounce it 'chilly', just so you wouldn't do that joke|    Sod it!
    It's happening anyway| Deal with it
    I say, to be fair, all that did was to make you sound really pretentious|    Yes
    [Posh accent] Chile|    [Posh accent] Chile, I think you will find it's pronounced
    I think you'll find it's pronounced "CHYLE"|    That's what Jimi Hendrix says
    That's what we does|    It's not Voodoo Chilli
 Or maybe it should be that|    [Posh accent] It's Voodoo Chilé
    [Posh accent] Voodoo Chilé?|    [Posh accent] Voodoo Chilé
    You know it's one of those sleeveless jackets|    But you become a zombie when you put it on
    A voodoo gilet!|    I'm so puffy and warm and
 BRAINS!|    Chile is the far left of bottom America, right?
    It is| For most of the way down
    Bottom America!|    Far left of bottom America
 You navigate like I do|    It's the long one, isn't it?
    Yes|    It's the long thin one that goes all the way down one side
    We went to school you know|    About when are we talking about?
 When would you expect to see|    Lunch time!
    2:30!|    Two men swinging at the same ball there, eh?
    It's like one of those out takes from a baseball game, where you see two people running for the same ball|    What decade
    would you expect to hear Project Cybersyn?|    -- If this isn't '80s, I am disappointed
  -- 70s?|    You're going to be disappointed, it's the '70s
 Have a point, Matt [ding]    Are we making South American robots?|    1971 to 1973
    Is that when they took over and killed everyone?|    No
    South America in that era| That's a dubious joke to be making
    That's what ended Project Cybersyn, was a military coup    that destroyed the control room|    So yes
 but(!|)    It was a military [pigeon noise]    Military coo
    Pigeons are coming!| Release the robots!
    Sir, the robots aren't finished| The pigeons are pecking them to pieces!
 Oh, what a world!|    Sir
 The robots|    
ARE pigeons|    [Pigeon coos]  -- Oh my god!
    I can't take my glasses off, I'm wearing contacts|    [Pigeon coos] [Robotic buzz]    My God!
    [Robotic buzz] [Pigeon coos]    [Quietly] I don't like this|    What I'd like in a robot pigeon is two things
    One, someone would have to spend ages perfecting that pigeon walk|    so that their heads go back and forwards at the same speed they walk still
    That's easy| You just put another linkage across their of their neck and have it link to the back of their forehead
    That's a modern gyro that's got to try and not compensate for that|    And the other is, they'll still make it so they pick up cigarette butts
    Every pigeon in the square, moving in unison|    Aargh!
    That would be creepy|    Oh, we've gone too far now
    Laser eyes|    Yeah, natch
 Obviously| They can't hold one, they've got wings dammit!
    It's not going to flap its wings to fly| It's going to have a rocket up its bum
    For those of you just tuning in, Project Cybersyn|  is not robot pigeons
    I can just see a whole Trafalgar Square of pigeons|    just stopping, wings extending and just them all launching upwards
    in synergy|    Now that's a beaut
 compared to them all turning round to look at you in synergy, that's a beautiful image|    Project Cybersyn
 gentlemen|    Robot pigeons, wasn't it?
    Robot, rocket-arsed pigeons|  We've confirmed this already, Tom
    Chile|    1970s
 early 1970s as well|    Was it a public computing project?
    Ooh!|    You can have a point [ding]
  But what do you mean by public?|    A terminal in a cafe for someone -- for everyone to use
    No| Not quite
    One of these state sponsored, productivity drives, that is going to put robots in factories|    To make things more efficient
    Yeah, you keep doing this| 'Is it a state sponsored productivity
 robots| in that
'    No| no
    State sponsored| You know I will give you a point
 State sponsored productivity [ding]| Because, you know, socialist government then
    What were they trying to do?|    Get everyone computing?
    Teach computer literacy?|    Yeah, but that's too early
 That's '70s|    Way too early
    The thing then was all about improving productivity in workplaces|    because that's where places ended up with, like, robotic shop floors and stuff
    So is it to do with shipping and transport and integrated movement of goods and stuff like that?|    Yes!
 Have a point [ding]    Databases isn't it?|    And you have a point as well [ding]
    It was an attempt to plan the economy of Chile|    Using one massive computer system
    Now!| As this had a very short period of time working
    Do I assume it wasn't entirely successful?|    And everyone ended up burning down?
    No, it did actually have a bit of success|    Did it declare humans as 'no longer essential'?
    No, they managed to switch it on| To look at the errors in the code
    The screen flashes 'you're better off with a coup'|    I know nothing about the politicals here
 I don't know if that's even appropriate|    "We've turned it on and all the screen says is 'Death!
'"    All the state-run factories were given a computer terminal    where they typed all their details of what was happening|    And that got fed back to
?|    The president's office
    The mainframe|    A fellow in very small glasses with a slide rule
    Matt's closer [ding]|    America!
    No| It was a central control room in Chile
    Complete with, what?|    Coffee machine?
    Toilets?|    There was a lot of manu
    If this was the '70s, a strike!|    I'll tell you what, have a point [ding]
    It helped deal with striking truck workers|    By killing them?
    No| By
    No|    "Computer, what is our solution?
"    "It just says 'Death!|' again
"    "Whatever I press!|"    Striking truck drivers blocked all the access streets going to the capital
    But they were able to work out what routes were free|    What factories still had some workers that could send things out
 And they used this central computer for it|    Oh, it had Google Maps?
    Not really back then?|    No!
 Bing!|    Oh God!
    "Ah!| I see you want to visit
  the centre of the Atlantic Ocean|"    "Here is a picture of France
"    Thanks Bing!|    Thanks Bing!
    Bing would be so much better if it was voiced by Bing Crosby|    "So, I see you wanna find out more 'bout York in England do you
?|"    "Well son, here you go
"    Except it's Bing, So you'd just be given a map of the New York tube system|    "Son, why d'ya wanna go anywhere else?
"    "Ah sir, that's all ya need to know about York| uh
 you're not there|"    "Swell game, fellas
"    What did the central planning office have for the seven people, that were sat around|    Seats?
    Super cool, lean back consoles with many screens and|    I'm going to give you the point [ding]
 They had|    This is the '70s, whirling tape and lights, surely?
    Oh yeah!|    There we go
 1970s, Star Trek, science fiction style, command console chairs    for the seven people who took all this information and made the decisions|    A sign on the toilet, saying 'Captain's Log'
    Aww|    Which was fine, apart from the chaps in the very short dresses
    Oh yeah!|    -- I'm thinking Star Trek uniforms here
  -- Yeah|    Early Next Generation Star Trek had gender neutral uniforms    that were basically short dresses, down to about
    I believe they were called skants|    Skants
 Yes|    I thought that sounds like a crisp based snack
    Skant!|    -- Skants!
  -- New Skants!|    You open the bag -- there's not much in
    Buy them today|    BECAUSE THE COMPUTER TOLD YOU!
    Buy them or face the Pigeons!|    You know in history, there are these people who have these grand dreams of socialist planning and computers    that are never made real
    This man's dream became real|    William Shatner!
    He just wanted a real life Enterprise|    What country did Stafford Beer come from?
    'Murica!|    No
    The United Kingdom!|    Yes he did!
 [ding]|    A British management cybernetics consultant
    -- [BEEP]ing hell|  -- What?
 In 70s|    -- In 1970s
  -- You can't be that any more, can you?|    Stafford Beer
    You have to be a startup to be one of those now|    He also sympathised with the Chilean socialists
    And that worked quite well!|    I imagine it did
    He basically got, I don't know if it was a phone call in those days, but he got a message, out of the blue|    -- Probably a telex
  -- A telex, surely?|    From the COM-PU-TER!
    From the wonderfully named Fernando Flores and he basically dropped all his other work and said    "Yes, I will go to Chile!|"    Someone picked it up later
 It would be all over the floor|    And help the socialists
    Did they have a five year plan?|    Well they did
 But it lasted about two years|    I was going to say, did that not work out?
    That's the duration of most five year plans, in my experience| Actually, yeah
    Let me guess, they ****ed off, quite soon after|    No, they were given a military coup
    Given one?|!
 ♫ Happy Birthday to you|    ♫ Here's a military coup
 ♫    ♫ You've five minutes to leave    ♫ And your family too!| ♫    I mean Chris, you pressed the button there, but it was entirely justified
    Those are biscuits for Gary| Well done
    Yes| The 1973 Chilean coup d'etat
    Aren't those the little things you have at parties?|    -- That's
 that's|  -- Crudités!
    A crudités coup d'etat!|    Ooh look!
 It's shaped like a tiny rifle|    How avant-garde!
    Ooh!| It's taken over my intestines!
    Yes, the caviar was somewhat suspect|    Opens the fridge
 Flags| Parade
    Tins of pilchards going round like nuclear missiles|    Than, many years later, people are wearing red t-shirts, with crudités on them
    Big pictures of a tin of sardines|    Being held
 They were obviously airbrushed, to make them look a bit newer|    Yeah!
    The smoked salmon ones are at the top    because although all men are born equal, some are more equal than others|    Apart from one really old one in the middle
 Looks like it could fall off at any time|    With an awesome mustache
    It's a Chilean coup, so with a big hat, sunglasses|    Who backed the Chilean coup?
 In 1973?|    The COM-PU-TER did!
    It's got to be the States|    It's go to be the States
 Richard Nixon's government| Yes [ding]
    There is a name you might recognise, that came to power afterwards|    -- Pinochet!
  -- Pinochet!| [ding]    Dammit!
 I would have been right| Ah well
    It was the coup in which Pinochet came to power|    And
 you know|    As part of this, the massive infrastructure of socialism that Nixon and the U
S| were fighting against
    This massive computer orchestrated thing| destroyed
    It's worth pointing out, in less than|    Ooh hoo hoo hoo!
    I didn't actually intend for that to connect|    -- Hel-lo!
  -- Handbags at dawn ladies!|    He's right, it was worth pointing out
    That is the most 'shut that door' slap I've ever seen, Tom|    It really is
    It's worth mentioning that they actually did get to advanced prototype in under two years|    Which for a central government operation -- like, I don't know if Britain could do that    with one thing right now
  Let alone a big national project|    So they went full-on startup?
    Yeah| They
    They had a great idea| They burned out after two years, almost literally
    That's it| That's all I'm saying
    Yeah, they managed it|    And no-one really got any money at the end
 And the person whose idea it was,    despite the fact it was technically a failure, went back and had a successful career doing other things|    And no-one's heard about it now!
    Basically a tech startup| There you go
    The late '90s, documented, right there|    Yes!
    So, congratulations at the end of that| I think Gary, you
    You very clearly win this one|    You win a restaurant that cooks lingerie over a box of hot coals, that was previously owned by a famous civil engineer
    Go on|    It's Brunel's Brassieres and Braziers Brasserie
    So congratulations, enjoy that|    With that we say good bye to Chris Joel
    To Gary Brannan|    To Matt Gray
    I've been Tom Scott and we'll see you next time|    [Translating these subtitles?
 Add your name here!|]  Hi I'm Matt, and I'm Tom; and this is the park bench,    and you're going to see slowly less and less of my head I think    'cause of the way we've had to balance the camera
    The camera's gonna steadily start slumping isn't it?|    It's balanced on my rucksack,    my wallet,    and some chewing gum
    As seems to happen regularly,    I'm providing second camera on the bench here, because    that is, that's the current view there    and the lovely, roof of The National Theatre    Bye bye coat|    -I'm sure it'll be fine
  -It'll be fine|    [Laughs]    We're on a windy concrete rooftop in Central London
    [Laughs]    'Cause we got kicked out of the park we were in before!|    Why didn't we do this in the studio Matt?
    [Laughs]    Why?|    [Laughs]    So today, we are talking about, er
    your, your public|    -impression
  -Mm|    Yeah, 'cause getting used to your own face and voice and mannerisms on camera,    and I have some unhelpful advice on public speaking
    'Cause lots of people seem to, find it difficult    you know, hearing recordings of themself|    Yeah    Erm
    For me, that hasn't,    normally been much of a problem especially with this,    Yeah    I suppose, for these videos, and for Citation Needed as well,    I'm just sat here being me(?|)    -Yeah, that's true  -We've got a topic    we're chatting about but I'm still, just being me
    Do you not find that your voice is different though, than one you hear in your head?|    'Cause now, now I don't notice that, I'm used to having    the inner voice and the outer voice,    but I remember way, way back,    first time I did university radio,    Mmm
    first time I heard my own voice in a proper microphone    I think it was reading the news(!|)    Umm, firstly I got told I was too Radio Four,    [Laughs]    Umm    because I was not reading the news in a Radio One,    university radio manner,    I was reading it, [slower and more Radio Four]    in a BBC Four radio voice manner
    [Laughs]    The sort of thing, where I know, I know you freak out    when I get close to the mic,    but can I get a bit close to the mic?|    You can get a bit close, but don't get any closer than this
    Ok:    [slow and calm]    I was talking like 'this',    as if I was on BBC Four,    [animated] and not like this as if I was on BBC Radio One|    [Laughs]    Ah and I got told on no uncertain terms that if    I wanted to read the news on U
R|Y
    I would need to change that style of it|    Mm
    But my voice was a lot higher than I thought it was|    Huh
    Like, if I-I don't think I've got the files any more    if you go back to my first year on university radio    my voice is literally it's,    all in the front of my|    [adjusting] sorry
    Linguistics|    [higher and less resonant] all in the front of my mouth    just here ri-[cough]    [normal] rather than being back in my throat    [less resonant] it's at the front of my mouth,    [higher] and it's, it's a lot higher    it's maybe, half an oct-there's no,    no bass going on no back of the throat or anything like that,    it's all,    it's all in the front just here
    Yeah it's all the bassy stuff you can hear through your bones, into your head isn't it?|    Yeah so, [coughing]    Ten years later
    I've learned to use my throat and range and all that    but it took time|    I find if, if I listen to, something
    unlike this where I am just chatting and happen to be holding a mic,    if I'm talking into a mic like if I'm,    erm|    talking on the radio or,    on Citation Needed when I'm wearing headphones    when we've done that in radio studios before I    I, I do have a radio voice    Yeah
    because I can hear myself on my headphones    so I correct,    my, you know I change how I'm speaking to make it sound nicer to my ears|    Erm
    Whereas this, I can just hear me normally    so I'm just talking normally|    We did get a few comments on that,    that, did it not 'speech jam' you?
    Listening to your own voice, right away?|    No, there's no delay
    Right, yep that's what I figured,    because, if I listen to my own voice immediately,    doesn't jam me|    Yeah
    but any slight delay will just completely|    At work, on the radio, where    in the olden days,    people would listen to themselves off the FM radio,    -Yeah, 'cause there's no lag
  -'cause you, you wanna hear what you're,    doing on air, you wanna hear it as the listener hears it|    These days,    Umm
    they generally don't hear directly off air    'cause everything's digital now so there's a little bit of delay, so all the,    mic processing, station processing,    adds more and more and more delay, and    by the point you've got,    coming up to half a second of delay,    you're hearing it so late in your ears that your brain's already    thinking about the next thing but    because you're still hearing what you said before,    you slow down|    Your brain slows down what you're saying 'cause it's waiting for it to hear it back
    The er,    Sidebar, on that by the way:    Have you noticed that delay on live news broadcasts have gotten worse in the last ten years?|    How do you mean?
    So if you, look at    a 24 hour news channel now,    if it was about ten years ago,    they'd go live to someone on the scene,,    and maybe it's ten/fifteen years now,    but it would have a pre-booked satellite connection,    and it would be a,    as live,    standard definition video feed,    just being dumped over a satellite|    Yeah
    But now 'cause they're using,    compression, and internet routing, and everything like that,    there's actually a longer delay-    great quality, it's high definition-    Yeah|    but there's now three or four seconds delays where once there used to be half
    Erm|    A lot, several times when we've got high delay links,    Mm
    rather than sending a high quality link back,    erm|    so there is delay in two portions of it:    there's delay in someone talking to someone, on a remote conn-    Matt works as a broadcast engineer at a radio station,    just those who are coming in late
    -And I do video as well|  -Yep
    If you've got a|    a remote interview,    there is delay in both ends of the connection,    there's a delay for them being able to hear you,    and for you being able to hear and see them
    One way that they can speed that up a bit    is to use a normal phone call,    -Ah!|  -because that's a direct, point to point link    -whereas stuff over the internet  -Yeah
    has encoding delays, and routing delays, and all that kind of thing|    Yeah
    And er, buffering and all that stuff|    So, the person at the other end could be hearing a really terrible quality phone call    -while you're getting full HD video coming back
  -Yep|    Oh right,    Where were we - oh yeah!
    Sorry, speech - so:    Backtrack!|    [Laughs]    Satellite delays,    speech jamming, your own voice
    Oh yeah!| [Laughs]    You have different voices then, for different situations
    -Not intentionally,  -Yeah yeah yeah|    it's when I'm trying to- when I'm    subconsciously trying to enunciate    I go a little bit more RP
    For whatever reason|    (Received Pronunciation)    (BBC accent)    Someone in the office noticed that I was leaving a,    a voicemail,    answering thing,    for something listeners would be ringing into and they said-    I put the phone down and looked up and everyone was looking at me and went,    they went:    "You have a telephone voice?
!|"    [Laughs]    "Do I?
"    -You totally do,  -I thought|    Oh!
 I was, I was enunciating, wasn't I?|    Because-    I know I don't speak particularly clearly all the time,    because people say pardon, especially    people who aren't from the UK,    or from, particularly    stronger-accented parts of the UK can    find it harder to hear what I'm saying    especially in the US
    I have to stop myself from translating for you,    because, it's really annoying|    Oh it's so annoying, you make me look like some kind of idiot
    [Laughs]    -I realise I am an idiot!|  -[Laughs]    But I can cover for my own mistakes!
    [Laughs]    [Laughs] You know- [Laughs]    when you're like, minding an alien,    -and someone says, "What pardon?|" and then you go,  -[Laughs] No!
 No, no no,    "What he actually means is-"    I can say that again, I know how to rephrase!|    I'm sorry,    No!
    I don't know what it's like "minding an alien"?|!
    I have never "minded an alien"!|    Really?
    Do you wanna translate THAT?|!
    No!|    [Laughs]    It turns out,    and I'll have to link to the-    WOULD YOU MIND?
!|    -[Laughs]  -That is definitely speeding
    I'm gonna have to link to the article that told me this,    There was actually a BBC pronunciation    like, committee in the early days of broadcasting,    that was deciding, not only    which, you know, which words-    which accents which dialects to use but also,    which words to use|    Like the word 'broadcast' had not been invented
    -I think I read this|  -Yep
    Didn't they go rogue?|    Yeah, basically
    They came up with some words like 'broadcast' and|    'Television' and 'viewers', and then they    started finding more words
    Yes|    -beyond their remit
  -Yes|    So
    So yeah when I'm wearing headphones listening to myself,    or, on a good quality microphone    when I'm hearing myself, I generally    -Mhm|  -do that if,    if it's this it's more of a chat I'm,    more like me- I'm still, a bit louder    I'm still
 projecting so you can hear me|    Yeah
    which took some getting used to|    But,    I think the only time I struggle with hearing myself back,    is if I am overly presenting a thing?
    -Yep|  -Which, I haven't done in a while
    You'll see me, if you ever,    something like this, well -    Words!|    That was good Tom, do you wanna start that again?
    If you ever edit,    like a long vocal take of me,    I will start,    [energetic] By enunciating like this,    -but by the time I'm about halfway through,  -Oh you tail off|    -I'll tail off and go back into the regular speaking voice
  -Yeah, yeah|    [Laughs]    -Takes so much effort to do that
  -Yeah|    Which brings me,    -to my unhelpful advice on public speaking
  -Oh yeah!|    'Cause- by the way I didn't    'Tom's advice on public speaking': bad title
    'Tom's unhelpful advice on public"- under-promise,    over-deliver|    [Laughs]    'Cause the only advice I've got is,    keep doing it
    There is no substitution for hearing your own voice back,    and cringing at it,    like I did all those years ago on U|R
Y I went,    "Oh I'm gonna have to try and fix that", and not by deliberately doing it,    it's just over time you cringe at your own voice less and you    -work out what works|  -And you,    know how to use
    it's more muscles in your body that you have to train,    Yeah|    and learn how to use
    Yeah|    As for your face, you just gotta get used to that
    Oh, there's no-    [Laughs]    nothing you can do about your face|    You just gotta be happy within yourself
    [Laughs]    Today, on "Can You Still See Matt Gray's Head?|", yes you can!
    YES!|    The chewing gum, wallet and bottle of water    and rucksack, have held up
    I'm fine|    -Unlike Tom
  -I'm fine|  And the bounciest man on the internet,  Matt Gray!
    Putting the butt into butter|    That's a big tub
 No offence|    That's why he got sacked from the catering  industry!
    It's true|    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia  and these folks can't see it
    "It's everywhere!| I can't even see it to get  it off!
"    Every fact they|    "I just keep wiping and it stays!
"    "Water's just running off!|    "I've made myself accidentally arse-waterproof!
"    Which is great when I'm on a National Express  coach, let's face it|    Matt Gray's Gore-Tex Arse!
    Salted or unsalted?| I care not to taste
    In front of me, I've got an article from Wikipedia  and these folks can't|    Stork Arse Margarine!
    "I don't know what happened!| I gave his arse  a little pat and that's just
"    -- That was good| That was good
  I like that one|  -- Thank you!
    Four men laughing in a kitchen|  If you prefer this show in audio form, then  head over to techdif
co|uk    where the old episodes are available as downloads  for your MP3 player    I'm sorry, I'm talking like I'm from the 90s,  aren't I?
    Is it available in a datablast at the end?|    Oh my god, yes!
    Oh no, no, wait, I'm confusing my enthusiasm  for that    with my enthusiasm for Violet Berlin|    If you want to see the first season of how  we did this    but without our ugly mugs then you wouldn't  be seeing it    you'd be watching the newly recorded podcasts  or some s***    I'll try that again, you can see what I'm  driving at
    -- I'll have a go|    -- Actually, that probably covers it!
    If you like to listen to these instead of  staring at us all the time,    these are available as podcasts    and they're available for your various MP3  devices    record players or wax gramophones at techdif|co
uk|    Do you want to watch this?
    But without watching it?|    On a bus in a tunnel?
    Download it|    techdif
co|uk
    -- That's it!|    -- Audio-y!
    Right?|    Cut!
    Print!|  This is the Technical Difficulties
  We're playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today:  He reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!
    Follow me on Twitter at toast @|!
    No, it's bollocks|    [Laughter]    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan — Gary Brannan!
    [Sings]  'Pull down your pants and s*** on the ants,  In an English country garden|'    I'm going to have to get the bleep out in the first minute!
    Thought I'd make it easy for you|    And the bounciest man on stage — Matt Gray!
    We're live!| We can do visual gags!
    [Laughter]    [Laughter]    [Laughter]    Like Bob Dylan before he went electric|    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia  and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    And there's a special prize for  particularly good answers, which is|    [Audience sings]    MATT and TOM: Oh yeah
    And today we are talking about Ruth Belville|    MATT: Belville?
    GARY: Belville!| A town of bells!
    TOM: I mean, I don't imagine that's the etymology|    Well, you never know, do you?
    Oh!| Is it a town of Ruth Bells?
    Oh!|    Ruth Bell-ville
 Right|  Okay, sorry
 That took me a second|    No
 Two words, one name|    Is it a person or a place?
    TOM: It is definitely a person|    MATT: It's a person?
  GARY: It's a person|    CHRIS: Is it a woman?
    TOM: Yes|  GARY: Get in!
    [DING]    Point for that man!|    MATT: First point of the day
    Is anyone keeping track of the points here?|  Because I'm not
 I'll be honest|    [Laughter]    GARY: Well, we never do
    TOM: Do you want to guess  whenabouts we're talking about?|    The Victorian era!
    [DING]    GARY: When we play our best|  CHRIS: Never fails
    GARY: The time of big hats and iron!|    Does she have any iron?
    [Laughter]    Careful answer!|    She has some silver
    Used to be gold, it's now silver|    So she has no iron
    She's not massively anaemic,  if that's what you're saying|    That's not in here
    Yeah, you know me, Tom|  I'm right there on the anaemia gags
    Did she have a trouser press?|    TOM: She is famous for having a physical object
    Oh great| So we've got a woman who has a thing
    With silver, that was originally gold|    GARY: A silver thing
  MATT: Was it a goblet?|    TOM: I'm sorry, was it a what?
    Was it a goblet?|    CHRIS: Hang on, a gold
?|    That's not the gesture for 'goblet', Matt
    MATT: One can cup a cup|    Yeah!
    TOM: We've found the audience's level| That's good
    And it's down there!|    It is something that would come in silver and gold
    It would have a silver or gold case on it|    MATT: Was it a jewellery?
    Watch!|    TOM: Point!
 [DING]  MATT and GARY: Wahey!|    TOM: You're absolutely right
  MATT: You're our points man|    Absolutely
    It's the beard that's feared|    Elizabeth Ruth Naomi Belville, 1854 to 1943,    and known for carrying around a watch
    Okay|    Was she
 I'm going to go with something answery|    Something to do with trains and time zones?
    I mean, given it's a watch — it's to do with time|    [Laughter]    No!
    MATT: I'm not hearing a ding!|  [DING]    CHRIS: Official keeper of the Queen's O'Clock
    Oh, you know what| [DING]    It's not quite — it's close
 Official Keeper of  the Queen's O'Clock| we're getting closer
    CHRIS: Corgi s***ting time|    Greenwich Mean Time  certainly has something to do with it
    Corgi S***ting Time|    I've just realized I said that
    It's little used| It's 37 minutes off the hour
    MATT: CST|    'Excuse me, Ma'am, I just need to take the corgis
'    [Queen voice] 'Oh yes, it's s***ting time|'    Just going to set my watch to Corgi S***ting Time
    I tell you what, it is basically —  that 37 minutes is corgi s***ting time|    'Finchley!
 They're still in the parlour!|'    Someone at Buckingham Palace somewhere is  pulling out the elaborate silver dish right now
    CHRIS: Used to be gold, you know|    It does tarnish so
    GARY: Yes!|    Why would someone in Victorian London,  and later, up to World War Two,    be going around with a watch?
    Was she an official clock-setter  for some town or borough?|    TOM: Hmm
 I'll give you a point for that| [DING]    Certainly — I don't think official
 This was not|    Unofficial
 Going around setting it  to her own bloody time|    She's a guerrilla time setter
    GARY: You can't set time on a gorilla!|    They don't wear watches!
    It's like a s*** Banksy!|    'Ah ha ha!
 You thought it was  five minutes later than it is!|'    GARY: Yeah, but would —  MATT: 'But I *know* it's wrong, 'cos I have a watch!
'    Ah!| Now
    Can I make the point, if the gorilla told you the time,  you wouldn't disagree with it though, would you?|    Whatever time he says it is
    TOM: I will point out, you're getting very close there|    This is how
  [Laughter]    No, Gary isn't| Matt is
    This is someone who went round selling|    MATT: Oh!
 Oh!|  CHRIS: Time
    'I know the time!| Give me a fiver  and I'll tell you the time' — kind of person
    [DING]  TOM: Yup|    Oh my God
    TOM: Absolutely right| Spot on
    I bet you can do that in Leicester Square|    I mean, you wouldn't want to do it in Parliament Square,  because you've got Big Ben there,    but Leicester Square
    [Laughter]    GARY: 'It's 11:55|'  DONGGG
    'Trust me| That's wrong
'    That's not actually Big Ben|  That's just Gary going 'DONGGG
'    Which bit of me, remains open to be seen|    If you do go to Parliament Square on a Thursday night,    you can just see him standing in the corner  doing an impression of Big Ben
    Yeah!| I even put the pointy hat on and everything
    And for some tourists, the very small / far away thing,  it does work as well|    How big's the pendulum, Gary?
    You don't want to know|    Hahey!
    All I'll tell you is, it's regulated by a penny every year|    That's true, innit?
 They regulate  the pendulum on the clock on Big Ben    by putting pennies on or subtracting it,  to half a second or something?|    Something like that, yeah
    Old pennies|    Well, with the exchange rate at the moment,  it's going to be pounds by the end of the year
    We're rich!|    And you wanted us to do the Brexit one
 There you go|    Yes
 This was a woman called Ruth Belville,  who like her father and her father before her|    Her father and *his* father before *him*
  [Laughter]    GARY: Get a diagram!|    MATT: For generations
    Pronouns are always difficult|    MATT: Generations
 You need the word 'generations'|    For generations, had sold the time to people  who needed to know it accurately
    So where did she go to get that?|    Time Magazine
    It's a grudging Biscuits|    But it's a Biscuits
    Oh, we're not putting scales of biscuitry in here, are we?|    So where did she go to get the proper time  in Victorian London?
    This was originally 1836 when her father created it|    The London Time Dump
    [Laughter]  TOM: Now|    That's a good description for what this would be
    GARY: Oh great!| I win then
    I'm not giving you a point for it|    but where in London —    GARY: Damn my short arms!
    Where would you go to get the time?|    Greenwich, I would assume
    Yeah, Greenwich|    Yep
 [DING] Absolutely right| Greenwich Observatory
    You see the nonchalance on that?|  [Click]  Yeah, it's fine
    Greenwich Observatory, you would go  to the clock that is outside it|    Surely you'd go to its herb garden
    -- [Groans] Thyme!|  -- Oh, f*** you
    Oh|    I heard a muttering of discontent in the crowd there
    GARY: That got the reaction  it purely deserved, which was 'Ughh|'    That's just the despair of 400 people in front of me
    That is what my puns are worth!|    Ahh
    That's bat under the arm, back into the pavilion,  shaking your head — really, I'm sorry|    Yes
 There is a clock outside  called the Shephard Gate Clock|    What's unusual about it?
    MATT: It's got sheep on it!|    No hands on it
    Shepherds only can go under it!|    No to all of those things!
    Are you sure?|    I mean, it's set on a wall, so if anyone  could get under it I'd be very surprised
    Is it on a Viking street named Shepherd Street?|    Er, no
 It's by the Shephard Gate of the Observatory|    Sheep work like sundials, don't they?
    They all face the same way|    TOM: Go on
?|    Yeah, 'cos when you go past many fine Saxon churches,    what you find engraved on it is four holes  for you to hook the hooves in
    For a sheep|    It's twenty past Flossy
    That kind of thing|    Then they fall off, you get a goat,  causes all kinds of problems
    They have to be recalibrated with  a penny on their back every few rounds,    just to get them to within a few seconds|    MATT: So I was wrong
    TOM: Yes, you were|    It is a fairly standard clock
    There is something unusual about it,  particularly for that era,    that you would need to tell the time, day, night|    24-hour?
    24-hour!| Have a point
 [DING]    Absolutely right|    24-hour clock, so you would go there —  or she would go there,    would set her watch exactly, and then  go around to hundreds of clients
    Why didn't someone undercut her and just charge slightly less with a different watch?|    Ah!
 And there you have stumbled upon something,  so I'll give you a point| [DING]    Oh, lucky me!
    She came 'under attack from St John Wynne,  a director of the Standard Time Company|'    Standard Time!
    'Twenty past three!| Get out!
'    What kind of criticism did he give  in a speech at the United Wards Club?|    'Oh!
 I will not take time from a woman!|'    'This is not a place for her!
'  Something horrific like that?|    You're close enough
 [DING]    He said 'she might have been using her femininity|'    Eh?
    TOM: Fe-mi-ni-ni-ty|  CHRIS: 
ni-ni-nin|    ALL: Femininininin
    '| to gain business
'    Oh, I see|    'D'you want to buy *my* time, luvvy?
'    'Free some time?|'    The speech was published in The Times
    Ayyyy!|    [Applause]    With both of you doing that impression,  because I've got a very vivid imagination,    I've just got you in low-cut Victorian dresses  hanging round a pub in the East End
    and really I can't sleep for a fortni| oh no
    Hiya, luv|    Why are my hands still doing this?
!|    Augh!
    So yes| Following the publication  of the comments, what happened?
    She got really pissed off and threw her watch at him|    But it was on a chain, so she could keep doing it
    MATT: Is that like a yo-yo?|    'Don't!
 Criticize!| My!
 Timekeeping!|'    I hope it had a bell in it,  so every time it hit him, it was like,    Ding!
 Ding!| Ding!
    I just like the idea of,  'What time is it?|'    'I've got no idea
'    'You want to know what time it is?| It's whuppin' time!
'    Er, quite the opposite, actually|    MATT: Nothing
  GARY: She took it in good humour|    She did
 It 'resulted in an increase in sales'| And, er
    [Laughter]    What did she say about his comments?|    'T***
'    There was a little bit| a few more words in there —  Don't
 Don't|    He'd just given her free advertising
    GARY: That's nails!| Love that
 Yeah|    'Er, excuse me, Miss
  I hear you provide| services of time
'    'I'd like to buy some of your| time
'    'All right| It's 2:30
 There you go|'    'That wasn't quite what I had in mind
'    'But my watch is accurate now, so|'    'I can't say I lost from this transaction
 Good day!|'    Yes
 She lived to the age of 89|    And she'd know that, 'cos she's got a watch
    She| how long did she have  before that for her retirement?
    None at all| Because she'd just  keep going till she carked
    Close| But a little bit
    Twelve minutes exactly|    They found a watch on the body
    GARY: Till her w|    CHRIS: Come on then
    GARY: Matt Gray's dead| Here we go
    TOM: That's the look that means  this is about to hit the cutting room floor|    Everybody, roll up your sleeves
 This one's coming|    [Rising]  Ohhhh
!|    GO!
    This is terrible!|    Did she meet her untimely death at
?|    [Groans]  [Cheering]    Oh, no!
 No!|    That wasn't even the joke!
    I hadn't noticed that!| That was better!
    I was going to say, did she die at the third stroke?|    [Groans]    No, but she got three years of retirement
    GARY: Well, 1940 is Blitz|    I think that's the start of the Blitz
  So she's walking through Blitz-torn London,    telling the Nazzies to eff off while she's  walking around with a clock in her hand|    Hero!
    Actually, yeah| 'It's teatime,  they'll be bombing in 15 minutes
'    How did she know that?|!
    Ohhh!|    Just putting it out there
    There is a reference to a buggy in here as well,  so I imagine there was something else|    She may have been riding
    GARY: She was on a go-kart?|    TOM: 19th — a Victorian-era go-kart?
    Oh come on, Gary| It's an iron scooter!
    Ohhh|    Designed by Brunel himself!
    And there|!
 First reference to Brunel| 20 minutes
    If you've got your bingo cards,  that must be a line by now, it really must|    Says the man in a Bob's Full House hoodie
    TOM: A reference which precisely thr|    TOM: 
one person in the audience —  thank you for that cheer — gets|    That's exactly the one in 400 people  this is aimed to appeal to
    As am I, let's face it|    So, when she retired
    after the generations of doing this,    and it was clear that this was not necessary any more,    because the Standard Time Company,  while they did not win, themselves,    technology moved on|  What was the Standard Time Company selling?
    CHRIS: Substandard, shoddy time| Not collected  fresh from Greenwich every morning!
    'Just send 'em yesterday's time|  It'll be fine, it's only slightly stale
'    GARY: Big buckets of time, lined up by the gates|    Filling it from the hand-pump of chronology!
    CHRIS: 'There ye go|'    CHRIS: 'We've got some time back in the Devonian
'    CHRIS: Geology joke there|    GARY: I imagine time being dispensed sounds like,  [Blows raspberry]    Gary, that's how you imagine most noises
    Fair cop|    Actually, we may as well,  while we're doing bingo and Gary noises
    Goose!|    [Honks]    Goose on a train!
    [Two-tone train horn]  [Goose honk]    Goose being hit by a train|    [Train horn]  [Goose honk]    It's what they were all waiting for, Gary
    That's what you paid your money for| I know that
    What was the Standard Time Company selling?|    How did they get their time to people?
    I realize I'm treating time as a physical thing here|  How did they tell people the time?
    MATT: Telephoning?|    Nah
    Or telegramming?| Or tele
 communicating  in some kind of way on a wire?|    TOM: 
there's a word| There's a word!
    Telegraph!| Morse code!
    Text message!|    TOM: [Strangled noise]    MATT: Skype!
    [DING] Gary gets the point| It was a  'telegraphic time signal service',    But I'm giving Matt a point as well,  [DING] because he was *so* close
    GARY: Bulls***!|    He got the idea, you got the word
    GARY: In mill towns, in t' north where we come from,    they'd go round, basically a man with a great big stick,    would just whack on the window to wake you up,    and that was the knocker-upper,  because he was the only one with a watch|    Yeah
 He was the knock-her-upper|    [Laughter]    Lots of kids that looked suspiciously similar,  if you know what I mean
    Yes, the Standard Time Company  sold a telegraphic time signal,    but by that point, we had radio, we had military time|    and the customers were starting to die out, essentially
    Did you have the speaking clock by then as well?|    19
36, so it did exist|    There is one other signal at  the Royal Observatory in Greenwich
    Obviously she went up, got it from the clock,  got it from the official source|    What happens every day at the  Royal Observatory on the top of the hill?
    Someone gets their fingers trapped in a door  and yells, on the hour|    No one's ever got round to fixing it
    GARY: 'I'll just get the milk — ' BOOM|    GARY: 'AAGH!
 JESUS WEPT!|'    Set the clock
    TOM: Where did that come from?|!
    Where does it all come from, Tom?| I don't know
    No| 1 pm at the top of the hill in  Greenwich Park, a thing happens
    GARY: Somebody drops the balls!|    Point!
 [DING]    [Tittering]  TOM: Do you want to explain that?|    That sounded worse than in my head
 yeah|    S***
 Yeah| There's the time
 ball, isn't there, that falls —    TOM: See, this is one of those things  that sounds rubbish, but actually isn't|    Thank you
    TOM: That's actually a good mime|    That's Lord Time himself there
    Do you want to explain the time ball?|    MATT: Please explain
    I can't understand the time ball!| It's a ball  on a stick that drops down at one o'clock
    Is it something like so ships on the River Thames    could synchronize their chronometers  before they set off,    on a sail, so they knew it was one o'clock?|    A bit like the one o'clock gun in Edinburgh, where  they fire a big f***-off gun at the top of the castle,    to scare all the tourists, 'cos that's  what it's for these days, let's face it
    I was once at Edinburgh Castle|    Hold on
    [DING DING]    Thank you!|    TOM: Carry on
  GARY: Thank you|    There's a third one needed
    I was once at Edinburgh Castle on holiday|    I was looking down through the telescope  as the one o'clock gun went off —    You see them bastards duck, down on Princes Street!
    If you're ever in Vienna —    GARY: That means nothing to me|  MATT: [Sings] 'Oh, Vienna!
'    They test the air raid sirens  in the city once a month still|    GARY: Ho ho!
  CHRIS: Oooh|    Which I imagine is just to annoy tourists now
    GARY: Yeah|    Like, it's the three-minute warning,  the bomb's about to drop
    I want a helmet and to be able to run|    [Laughter]    Why are both those things unachievable for you?
    Congratulations Chris, you win this one!|    You win a gambling den for nocturnal birds of prey,    run by the star of the Godfather  from the back of a '59 Chevy
    GARY: Oh, Jesus Christ, no|    Someone just got that, I think
    It's Al Pacino's El Camino Owl Casino|    With that, we say thank you to
 Chris Joel!|    To Gary Brannan!
    Matt Gray!|    Bye-bye, studio audience!
    We will see you in ten minutes after the interval!|  This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed
    Joining me today: he reads books, you know  — it's Chris Joel!|    I've not picked a letter!
    The bounciest man on the internet, Matt Gray!|    Hello YouTube
    And everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan!|    All aboard the zipline to the poop deck!
    [Laughing] In front of me I have an article|    Where's the zipline from?
    Soft landing!|    In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    and there's a special prize for particularly good answers, which is|    And today's article is: Sergeant Reckless
    That is my rank in the army|    Have a point
 [DING]    Sergeant Major — Sergeant Reckless!|    You get a point —    Yay!
    |for successfully saying this is something or someone in the military
    Is it someone called Sergeant Reckless, before we go too far?|    "Someone" is putting it a little bit strongly
    Is it a dog?|    Ooh, but you're close
    Horse|    Point!
 [DING]    Although, to be honest, the horse is named Reckless|    Why might it have had the Sergeant?
    Got a field promotion|    Point!
 [DING]    Started at the bottom and worked its way up|    Held official rank in the United States military
    — Okay|  — Did it order anyone?
    Er, no|    Yeah, a lot of donkeys that were subordinate to it
    'Private Donkey, Private Ass|'    Although, if you think about it, privates in the platoon must have been technically outranked by the horse
    Yeah, they'd have to salute the horse|    Horse can't salute, can it?
    Yeah, it can!|    Can it?
    Yeah!| Balance on the other three
    Yes, but can it do that with the other leg?|    Leg up!
    Don't know| Have you seen a horse try?
    I don't know about you, but most of the horses I've seen have not been in the army|    Oh, that's fair
    Most of the horses I've seen have been civilians|    Yeah, but they'd tend to use it to adjust their glasses or something, even if they weren't in the army
    Whoa, whoa, whoa| Monocle
    Can you imagine the length of the bridge of the glasses for a horse?|    Yeah, that's fine
 A monocle's still going to fall out|    They'll have two monocles!
    All right, they'll fall out, but that's just the universal exhibition of surprise|    More of a windscreen for a horse, isn't it?
    Wraparound cricket glasses|    Can you imagine?
 A prescription windscreen basically — why don't you have those?|    Why don't I have a windscreen?
    I'm a human|    It'd be like one massive bit of glass that goes all the way round
    Poker visor things!|    Yeah!
    No, because it'd be massively heavy|    Glasses are really heavy
    I'm not talking about — all right, for the 1940s horse in the army,    Yeah|    Yes, impractical because of the size of the glass
    For the modern man of today there must be thin materials we could use for —    No, there really aren't| If you make the glasses thin,    the refractive index has to be high so they're really heavy
    Science!|    I've
    He's asked| He's tried
    I've literally tried to order extra-extra-thin glasses,    and they basically kept falling forwards off my face because they were just so heavy|    In moments of surprise, or at any time?
    Any time!|    Because any glasses should fall off at any moment of surprise
    Yeah|    No, originally a racehorse,    Sergeant Reckless was purchased from a Korean stableboy at the Seoul racetrack    who needed money to buy an artificial leg for his sister
    Sergeant Reckless's sister?|    No, no, the stableboy's sister
    Oh|    They didn't give the horse an artificial leg
    Sorry, I tuned out halfway through what he was saying|    It sounded like the horse's sister was in hospital
    That makes a lot more sense|    It's fine
    It was technically an open modifier; I could have|    It's a brown horse, but it's got a white leg because it's all they've got left
    I'm going to give you a point|  Sergeant Reckless was indeed a chestnut horse
    [DING]    With, I'm quoting here, "a blaze and three white stockings|"    White head marking and three white legs, but not on the fourth
    Two points| [DING DING] Two points straight away
 Well done|    Because it's the false — oh, no, that was his sister
    Yes, a blaze — a wide white stripe down the middle of the face|    Do you think they camouflage that before they go into battle?
    It'd be an obvious target|    He didn't actually — 'Aim for this bit
'    He didn't have a bulls-eye on there|    There might as well be, if you've got a big —    you know, it's a nighttime battle,    Sergeant Reckless is in the trench with you,    See what's going on
 [horse snort]    That's what made him reckless| He refused to camouflage it
    We've made a presumption here, folks|    Ahh
    Female|    Lady horse
    There we go| [DING] Her date of birth and parentage are unconfirmed
    What was the reason you would buy|    An army platoon — the Recoilless Rifles — why would they buy a horse?
    Glue|    No
    Lucrative incomes via betting|    By the way, by 'recoilless rifle', it is basically, er —    A rifle that fires without recoil?
    If you think rifle, you think small stuff|    This is basically a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher
    Was it a bit like — the Indian army, didn't they use elephants as gun platforms?|    Er, no, it is just a pack horse
    That's bull****, it's a bloody racehorse|    To pack the tube of the rifle
    They needed a horse that was strong and powerful,    and could travel long distances at speed|    Nine-month military career
    Right|    In a single day, made 51 solo trips to resupply front-line units
    'Go over there, horsey|'    I think that may literally have been the order,    It was: Here are some shells; they've trained the thing
    Slap it on the back and it goes out and back|    How do they know this horse wasn't trying to run away    and just kept getting caught and sent back in the other direction?
    It's an equine shuttle bus|    Er
 equine cargo platform|    Cargo lifter, if you want to go for that
    It's the original shipping container|    More like BigDog
    Yeah|    Yeah, that robot Google is working on right now
    Oh!| Ugh!
    -- Yeah, their unnerving|  -- Google?
!|    Yeah, Google bought Boston Dynamics    Did they?
    Because that's not scary at all|    The massive autonomous robots for military use,    basically, the electronic descendants of Sergeant Reckless,    yeah, Google owns that company
    (Boston Dynamics are owned by Google?|)    Delivering your Amazon packages soon!
    Yeah|    I love that we're slightly slagging Google,    and I wonder if the lights are going to go out any second now
    That's a good point| We are in YouTube's own studios here, which we're very thankful for
    Mister Google, who I assume owns it,    is just over a big red button on his desk|    Mister Google?
!|    Could be
    Terry Google and Sons,    are, when you type in your search query,    'Right, okay, better get the replies to that in|'    Straight over to the card index, pull it out
    I was going to say, old card index|    Yup
    Was that the sound of a cat trapped in a card index there?|    [Riffling] Reowr!
    It's filed under C|    Yeah
    For 'Cat'|    Which actually, in YouTube's card index — quite big, these days
    Yeah| Yeah
    K for 'Kitten' outranks it, but|    Hold on, hold on, hold on, archivist question:    Do you file 'Kitten' under K,    or do you file it under 'Cat', bracket, 'kitten' or comma,  'young'?
    If — and here we go technical — if 'Cat' is the collection,    I think 'Kitten' would be a series beneath it|    All right!
 I'm glad I asked that question|    If you were giving me cat videos to file, I probably would do, erm
    probably, yeah, by cat-egory, so|    I think I probably would put 'Kitten' underneath
    Okay|    Depends how they originally came
    But if it was Terry Google and Sons|    Yeah
    You type in 'funny cat photo', they'd have to get the cat out and the camera out    and take the photo to send you it|    That's true
    That's Victorian Google for you|    They telegram it over
    Send it round with a courier|    Lad turns up with a hand-cranked projector,    'You wanted a funny cat video, sir?
'    Oddly, that is the same sound as taking the cat out of the file there|    I was going to say
    Sitting there with your brandy — 'Heh!| Heh!
 Heh!| Most amusing
'    The horse was known for a few things:    for her willingness to eat nearly anything, including|    Including ammunition
    Nearly| About thirty dollars' worth of something
    Gun cotton|    Poker chips
    Waiting for her to 'cash out' about a day later|    It's like a one-armed bandit
    Bar| bar
 bar| hrm
 Booomf!|    Also the first horse in the Marine Corps known to have participated    in a certain type of military operation
    Formation skydiving|    I mean, I'd like to see that
    It's not technically a military operation|    I've just realized
    Both military operations and medical operations happen in a theatre|    Ahh!
    You're right| Yeah
 The theatre of war|    This is not funny, I've just realized they're the same words
    Profound|    Yeah
 I mean, I can't give you a point for it|    Give him some biscuits, at least
    Really?| It's not worth biscuits
    Come on!|    I don't think it's worth a biscuit
 I'm going to be — aaa!|    Oooh!
 What happens now?|    Biscuits!
    Stolen biscuits!|    We're looking for a type of military operation
    Some kind of big thing you wouldn't expect a horse to be involved in|    USO show
    Ocean landing|    Yes!
 [DING] Absolutely| Point
    In fact, that, you can have the biscuits you just stole for|    Amphibious landing
    Doors open: at the front is a grizzled-looking horse with a cigar in his mouth|    'Let's do this
'    'What's the matter with you?| You wanna live forever?
'    Was awarded, first of all, two Purple Hearts, which is the medal you get for|    Being wounded
    Point| [DING] Absolutely right
    The Marines taught Reckless battlefield survival skills, such as|?
    We're talking 1950s here|    Negotiate spiky things put in the way to slow you down?
    I'll take — literally, I'll give you a point for that| [DING]    How not to become entangled in barbed wire
    Helicopter|    How would you teach it?
 You'd just go: 'No| No!
'    I don't know how you train a horse|    Put the carrots round the barbed wire rather than through
    And how to lie down when under fire|    Also, if she heard 'Incoming!
' she would run for a bunker|    
killing soldiers in its path!|    Smashing
    I don't know if a horse can fit in a bunker, but|    Is it stuck in the door with its hooves just clipping on the concrete?
 [Whinnying]    Winnie the Pooh wedged in Rabbit's burrow, legs going|    Putting on its flash goggles and radiation suit as well, obviously
    They should put webbing on the horse, so as it's cantering for the|    Guys just grabbing on the side and getting dragged to safety
    'Tell you what, boys — just follow the horse, eh?| Ha ha
'    What happened the first time that the recoilless rifle —    basically, the rocket launcher — was fired near her?|    Did it not properly not-recoil, and she was fired backward about a hundred yards?
    No|    Not at her, near her?
    Near her|    Did she run away?
    Did she spit out her gum and go, 'Call that a bang?|'    All four feet left the ground,    as she jumped — it's a difficult thing for a horse
    Wow|    Imagine if you could hear the horse's words, you'd see: '****!
!|'    "You never told me it'd be that loud!
"    What did they do to train her?| Pop paper bags behind her or something like that?
    'Bang|'    Basically, by the end of the mission
    'Bang|' Hold up a flash card
    By the end of the mission she was used to it|    When learning a new delivery route, she would only need someone to lead her a few times,    and then she would make the trips on her own
    'Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine| All right, I'll do it
'    Goes behind a bush, waits there for an hour|    Throws everything off and comes back, like you's'd do on your paper round
    'Yeah, I took it|'    There was a standing order not to ride her, but during the Battle of Vegas Hill
    Ohhh!|    
what happened?|    Somebody did
    [DING]    Went to a casino|    With a man on her back
    Obviously someone rode her|    What might they have travelled through?
    Three casinos and a Siegfried and Roy show|    Did they traverse a river?
    No|    Atomic test site
    More dangerous than that; less dangerous than that|    The enemy line
    Minefield|    Ah
    'Well, I've got a ton of horse between the mine and me, I'll be all right|'    Yeah
    In my head| [Trotting sounds]    And there's an explosion and it's just rider and horse:    [Rising sound]    [Falling sound]    That's how she did the vertical takeoff when she was surprised
    Yeah|    But — antipersonnel minefield?
    Or anti-tank minefield?|    Doesn't say
  I didn't know there was much of a difference|    Yeah
 Pressure|    Well, two differences
 Pressure|    Anti-tank goes off when you put however many tons through it,    and goes off immediately
    Yeah|    Anti-personnel goes off under much lighter pressure,    but goes off after you pass by
    Why?|    Blows up behind you,    and gets everyone
    And gets everyone in line, right|    So, my question to you is:    if you are travelling fast enough on a racehorse
    ALL: Oooh!|    Do you get heroes-never-look-back explosions?
    Can you imagine being the man in the enemy trench,    seeing someone riding a horse through a minefield,    with a following trail of explosions,    as a grizzled, combat-ready horse    strolls through with a cigar in its mouth?|    You can just imagine the guy behind enemy lines going:    And as the horse comes up, spitting out the cigar and the chewing tobacco    and going, 'Got any more?
'    The noise, though!|    'What caused that?
'    '|a horse
!|'    I mean, the answer is still probably: no, you end up with chunks of horse
    Yes, let's be honest here|    Or as we call it now, delicious, delicious lasagna
    Yes|    But I do like the way that Gary is writing the comic book
    Yeah|    Just writing the comic book character of this
    After retiring from active service,    there was a campaign to get her back to the United States,    to the country that she'd now served|    Does anyone want to guess how that played out?
    Bit like Saving Private Ryan?|    Another crack squad of horses is sent in
    No!| Sailed from Yokohama —    Hold on
 this horse served in the Pacific?|    Yes, bought at Seoul Racetrack
    Oh yeah, I forgot all that bit| I thought
    In my head it was in Europe| I do apologize
    Horse with a flamethrower!|    1950s
    — Ahhh| Korea
  — The Korean War|    Yup
    The ship went through a typhoon|    Horse: still fine
    Horse probably drove the boat|    The entire crew dead
    Horse at the wheel| 'We're getting home!
'    [Whinny]    In horse, yes|    What was the first problem with getting off in San Francisco?
    Seasickness|    Er, no
    Horse had vommed everywhere|    Not enough gimbals on the boat
    Thing is — yes, you can have a point, that did happen| [DING]    But we're talking problems when we get there
    Scurvy horse|    Nope
    Quarantine?|    Er
 yeah, I'll give you a point for that| [DING]    Customs were fine, but the Department of Agriculture insisted on full lab tests,    which would make her late for the banquet where she was to be guest of honour
    Two things| One: you're going to argue with a fully armed, combat experienced horse
    Yes|    Two: I'm glad she's going to a banquet where she's a guest and not the main course
    That's true, yes|    Why did the Marines consider that lab test to be a bit of an affront to her honour?
    Did she have to pee in a jar?|    You know, you're along kind of the right lines there
    It was a blood test, but|    Was it an STD test?
    Point!| Yes
 [DING]    Oh my God|    They were testing for dourine, which is an equine STI
    Did she have it?|    No
    She's been away a long time| It did happen a lot, you know
    No, she made it to the Marine Corps Birthday Ball,    in which she rode —    — in a dress!| Sorry
    In a ball gown|    What did she get to ride in order to get there?
    An even bigger horse!|    An open-top carriage
    A carousel|    No, no
    I'll give you a hint: it was not held on the ground floor here|    In a lift?
!|    In a lift!
    They put a horse —    Sorry, this horse has been in combat,    and the most amazing thing is they've put a horse in a lift?|    [Elevator music]  [Whinny]    At which point, someone is on the third floor, has been drinking heavily all night,    the lift doors open and there's a horse in a ball gown — with medals
    Puts the bottle down, picks up something stronger|    Congratulations, Chris — you win this week's show
    Hahey!|    You win a pigeon!
    Just one?|    Although you do have to collect it from Trafalgar Square
    Game on!|    Bring him his butterfly net!
    With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel!|    Matt Gray!
    And Gary Brannan|    I've been Tom Scott, and we'll see you next time!
    He's got the beard, I've got the bulk|    Wow
    That's a slogan there|    Let's make lots of money!
    Where's the hyphen in that?|    I'm trying to diagram the sentence
    Anywhere you can put a hyphen changes it|    Is it an Australian bird?
    No, it's not|    If he didn't win a sporting event,    or invent some kind of metalworking process,    then quite frankly I am out of here
    [Translating these subtitles?| Add your name here!
]  This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today, he reads books you know,  it's Chris Joel!
    But, soft!| What light through yonder Matthew breaks?
    Everybody's favourite|that's not light that's breaking through him(!
)    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan|    Can I compare thee to a summer's day?
    No|    And the bounciest man on the Internet, Matt Gray
    Hej hej YouTube!|    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING]|    And the special prize for particularly good answers, which is
    That is not my buzzer| That is my glass
    That really hurt!|    --There you go, Tom
  --Thanks|    The only way that would've been better is if you'd picked the buzzer up, trying to drink it,    and it went "parp"!
    Aroogah!| Biscuits for everyone
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING]|    And there's a special prize for particularly good answers, which is
    And today we are talking about the Shanghai Fugu Agreement|    No, no, fugu
    Fugu|    There you go
 We'll take the biscuits|    Laws for preparing poisonous fish?
    Ooh!| I'll give you a point for poisonous fish, yes [DING]
    Absolutely| Tell me about fugu
    I saw it on the Simpsons|    The thing is, so many people sat there watching are going 'Fugu!
| Simpsons
'    "I don't care buddy, fugu me!|" All that stuff
    "Poison, poison, tasty fish|"    Yeah, that is essentially it
    It is a toxic fish that has to be really, really carefully prepared|    How many years of training do they need for that?
    Many?|    Some?
    Until they get it right?|    Gary gets the point
 Three|    [DING]    "First, catch a puffer fish
"    [SHICK]    "I've gone wrong|"    You went, argh!
    Aww|    What does fugu poison do to you, if it goes wrong?
    It's paralytic isn't it?|    --Neurotoxin  --Yes    Yes, have a point [DING]
 In fact both of you [DING]| It's a tetrodotoxin
    -- Ooh!|  -- Ooh!
    On the tip of my tongue, dear boy|    Poisons tetras?
    It's got three of them|    Five of them?
    It's what's known as a sodium channel blocker|    Of course(!
)    Paralyses the muscles, while the victim stays fully conscious|    What's the antidote?
    There is none!|    Point!
 [DING]    Absolutely right, there is none|    Aw, I thought it was going to be chips
    That'll be really handy, because fugu and chips were| no, it's not like nettles and dock leaves
    Mushy peas?|    Pie and peas?
    --Wouldn't it be great if it was something like|  --Get it down yer, you'll be fine
    Wouldn't it be great if it was something like that, that in Japanese cuisine, they just hadn't come across?|    So an excellent antidote to puffer fish toxin
    is parkin|    Or something like that
    Mucky fat and bread|    Anyone who is not from Yorkshire, is now Googling the phrase 'mucky fat'
    Aww beaut|    And probably finding out some things they didn't want to know
    Yeah|    Mucky fat on toast
    Mucky|Toast?
    Ours just goes on bread|    Bit of salt and some onion
    Normally salty enough|    Well, I know
 A relative of mine,  I'll leave the person un-named,    for reasons of them being a relative of mine|    But maybe not from the local area
 We'll just leave it as broad as that, right|    Was at a Yorkshire Day party, we were at
    Yorkshire Day, first of August, for the anniversary of the Battle of Minden| For those of you at home
    Which I know isn't in Yorkshire, but **** you, that's why|    We get the weather
    Erm| We were at a Yorkshire Day party
 Mucky fat on bread was being handed round|    At which point, the person announced 'Oh!
 Pâté|'    Ah!
 No!|
No|    At which point we all nodded slowly, whilst smiling
    As the person wolfed down three slices| And then we told them what mucky fat was
 Which is beef dripping|    For those of you who don't know what beef dripping is, that's just beef fat, that's fell off beef
    With bits of beef in it|    It's the stuff that's melted off, when they're cooking it or doing anything
    It's "residue"|    It is a residue
    Salty residue|    Tasty residue
    It is brown| i
e| mucky
 And you just spread it on bread|    Or toast, should you wish your bread to be harder
    "Toast!| For if you want your bread to be harder
"    That's the marketing done for the next 20 years|    We've talked about condiments on toast before
  Let's move on|    There is now safe fugu
    Puffer fish bred that don't have the toxin in them?|    Yes
 Absolutely| Well not necessarily bred
    Punched!|    Stop it!
    Punch the toxin out of them|    Specially squose
    Before preparations|    Wring it out
    Persuaded|    "Oh, be nice
"    "Don't have it in!|"    Where does the toxin in the fugu come from?
    It's like the skin and the fins or something?|    --Gall bladder?
  --Oh, no, the skin is usually non-poisonous|    It's the liver
also the ovaries and eyes| But mainly the liver
    The eyes?|!
    The eyes|    Oh my god, it's got poisonous eyes
    That's a bit dark|    Yeah
    But where does that come from?|    Is it what it eats?
    --Point!|  --Ooooh!
    [DING] Absolutely right| It's the food that it eats
    It's from other animals|  that have tetrodotoxin laden bacteria in them
    So it's eating the nerve poison|  Why doesn't it get poisoned?
    Because it's got a very good|  liver-y excretory system
    It's very, very hardcore|    You know what?
 I'm going to give you the point there [DING]|    It develops immunity over time
    So initially is this fish a bit paralysed while it's eating all these bacteria laden toxins    that it's built up in its system?|    I think you are also right that it's got a very strong system as well
    Yeah|    But it can just continue eating this stuff and it just absorbs it into itself, as it does with any chemical
    And it just, you know, pulls it out|  That's it
 It's a toxic fish|    That's like when I was at school and there was that lad called John who just ate nettles
    Raw|    Go on
!|    I've told the story
  There was a lad called John, who just ate|    He didn't just eat nettles
 That wasn't his entire diet|    But he would eat nettles
    Why?|    --I don't know?
!|  --Summat t'do, innit?
    It was funny?|    He maybe liked the sensation?
    I think he might have|    What, the stung up tongue?
!|    I'm not him!
    Why should I defend the man's weird mistakes in life?|    I don't know
 You might work with him| You might be in your office and come in one day, pop open his lunch box    and lo and behold, there's a bloody spitting adder and some nettles
 He's gone on in life|    If you do work with someone called John
 Ask them when you see them next| Did you eat nettles as a kid?
    Because we might be able to track him down|    Well he's the one with the really swollen up lips,  I imagine!
    So with those fish| Is there one that's
 is it like humans?| There's this one that's gluten intolerant?
    Like we have| "Oh I can't eat that,  I'm tetrodotoxin intolerant
"    Yes, because they are farming poison-free fugu    by keeping them away from those bacteria, keeping them in tanks|    --"Oh sorry, I've got a specific diet
"  --I was going to say|    [ENGINE NOISE]  Not that kind of tank!
    That'd make them more, rather than less dangerous, wouldn't it?|    Yeah!
    We got some|    "Don't eat me!
"    "Got some really deadly fish here|"  "Oh why, has it got toxin
?|"    --"No!
 It's got a 12 bore cannon!|"  --"No, it's driving a tank!
"    Underwater weapons|    But then, if you put poisonous ones in the tank
 You couldn't even engage in hand to hand combat|    
you alright there?|    I'm stuck in a tank
    Since 1958 chefs have to be licensed to prepare and sell fugu| Which takes about three years
    Licence to fugu!|    What does the licensing involve?
    Not killing the assessor|    "That was delicious, and I'm still breathing
"    --No| The thing is
  --"Very well done|"    Who eats the fish?
    Themselves!|    --Oh, him!
  --Yes, have a point [DING]|    That makes sense
    They eat their own fish|    So there is no-one on this earth who has failed the test?
    And is a chef|    And is a chef
 You're absolutely right|  Only about 35% actually pass
    -- What?|  -- Because mild poisoning will mess you up    or it will be "oh, yeah, you've clearly got a small dose there, you're feeling ill
" But it won't kill you|    --A small dose
  --So they've got near enough to their pound of flesh    --Yes|  --Which leaves you with a tingly mouth    --You've got about five
  --For a few days| Yeah
    Erm, but what are the parts of the test?|    Catch your fugu fish
    Yes!|    There's the making
 But then there's the cleaning up afterwards| So you don't infect everything
    --Well that's a fair point|  --We've got preparing and eating
    But there's, before we even get to preparing and eating|    Identifying a fugu fish
    Correct!|    [DING]    In fact
    Because it literally says, 'a fish identification test'|    --That's cod
  --A fish|    That's a fish
    That's a beef| That's a fish
    So yes| That's your second one
    I mean, it kind of echoes the British driving test really|  Because that's your hazard perception
    And then you've got your practical|  What bit are we missing?
    --Theory|  --Theory
    Point over there to Matt Gray [DING]|  You also have a written theory test
    What happens if you feed fugu to someone, and you haven't done it properly?|    "They are dead
"    Yes| How many people in Tokyo are hospitalised, every year roughly, through fugu
    Thirteen?|    OK, we're clearly doing Price is Right rules here, aren't we?
 Thirteen|    I
I think it will be quite a high number|    Because I can see it being a bit like ordering a really stupidly hot curry
    You ask specifically for one that hasn't been neutralised| That isn't the neutral one
    --You ask specifially for a poisoned one|  --I bet there's a little thing
    I bet there's a thing with some people that they like to eat it a little bit of the toxin still in    So they get a little bit of a tingle, or something like that| So I think it's gonna be in
    s it every year, did you say?|  --Per year, in total
    I reckon, less than a hundred, but not much less|    I think nine
 Just 'cos  that was the number that popped into my head|    I'm going to give that to Gary
 It's somewhere between about 35-65 each year, [DING]    --That's the order of magnitude then|  --Yeah
    And between 0 and 6 die|    S*** the bed
    What are some of the reasons you might get poisoned?| Particularly if you've been prepared by an amateur
    Eating the poison?|    --Well yeah
  --He's good, he's good(!|)    The lad's sharp(!
)    Improper methods is in there|  But there's one other thing
    We've already covered it in the test|    Licking the knife
    Being served it incorrectly, by identifying the wrong fish?|    Correct
 They didn't think it was a fugu fish| [DING]    Does it look
 It must look like a different fish|    It looks like a lot of other fish
    Oh s***!|    "Lovely sea bass
!|" [SLOBBERS]    [SLURRING] This is a very piquant sauce
    Cod|    Death cod!
    "Now remember I put the death cod on the left,  the good on the right|"    "Remember, right for the death cod, left for the good cod
"    "Right, left| Remember that!
"    "Right?| Good!
" "Oh s***!|"    And they're in the same type of pan!
    All of which brings us back to the Shanghai Fugu Agreement| Which is 1985 in Germany
    Do they agree that they won't sell fugu in Europe?|    Yeah, they won't export it
    That's not something you really agree on with people from Shanghai, is it?|    We agree we are god-damn  not selling your killer fish, right!
    This is the Green Party| Who are locked in a coalition agreement --    their very first ever coalition agreement --    with the Social Democrats, in one of the German states
    And they are going into coalition, and they put forward -- on the last day of negotiations    they demand that they sign the Shanghai Fugu Agreement|    And this is an agreement to help with what?
 What do you need to prepare fugu?|    Knives!
    Fugu!|    Chefs!
    Yep| I'll give you a point there
 You need chefs| [DING]    How do you get chefs to Germany?
    On a train?|    But what permissions do they need, to get in there?
    A licence?|    Visas?
    Gary's got the point there again| [DING]    They need visas
    And so the Shanghai Fugu Agreement is a set of international regulations|    There's a special set of visas for certified fugu chefs
    They demanded that was one of the things they should sign| What's the problem with that agreement?
    It's wrong|    In what way?
    --Shanghai?|  --Yeah?
    That's China isn't it?|    Mm
 That's one of the problems with it(!|)    --That's one of quite a few
  --That's not where they eat it|    And -- it is, it's pan-Asian anyway
 But it's not, you know|what it's famous for
    It's completely fake|    Aaaaw!
 What?|!
    The Greens had been in negotiations for days, were sick of the negotiations,    made up a completely fake agreement, and added it to the list of demands    and the minister they were arguing with, just went 'yes, OK, fine!| Yep
 Wonderful|'    I bet after that, they were kicking themselves, that they couldn't do something more fun than that
    No!| No-one noticed
    They could have made everyone wear jelly on a Sunday|    The negotiators didn't notice,    The civil servants didn't notice
    They could have banned the apostrophe!|  They could have done anything!
    The press didn't notice|    It took years before someone went:    --"Oh yeah!
"  --"What is that?|"    "Remember when we did that?
"    "We have made it so that no one called Keith may enter the country!|"    You know, you could do that
    So did they draw up an agreement?|    No
 They just required that the Social Democrats be party to the Shanghai Fugu Agreement|    Completely faked
    Without having read it|    The fun you could have in that situation
    So congratulations, at the end of that,  Gary, you win this week's show| Well done!
    You win a confederate general made out of interlocking stones without any mortar|    No!
    --Yep!| Got it!
  --Go for it| Go for it
 He's got it for once|    A Dry Stone-Wall Jackson!
    Yes!| He's got it!
    With that, we say thank you to    Chris Joel,    to Gary Brannan,    -- to Matt Gray|  -- Goodbye YouTube
    I've been Tom Scott| We'll see you next time
    We are doing an experimental live show of this    with a live audience|    If you would like to be part of that,  then details are on screen now
    Close enough to touch!|    Don't
 don't do that|    No touching
    Would you like to see our faces in person and admire us at closer distance than this?|    We're doing an experimental live show and you could be there should you wish to
    Do you want to see us in slightly lower resolution than on GoPro footage?|    We'll be doing an experimental live show!
    Do you want to see this before it's been edited down from 40 minutes into 10?|    Well, we might be doing an experimental live show!
    You can watch us, pre-editing(!|)    I don't think you want to, really(!
)    Do you like jokes that you really can't hear because they're libelous,    too rude, or frankly insulting?|    Then feel free to watch us go harder and longer    in our experimental live show!
    Do you want an hour of the post-credits sequence?|    Come and see the experimental new live show!
    Bear in mind, that we edit quite a lot out of this|    -- The bit in the post credits?
 It's this|  -- Like half an hour of the post-credits
    It's very important to stress  that the experimental live show    is not the kind of experimental live show you might see in Amsterdam|    That said, the live show is over-18 only because at some point    one of us is going to make a joke that could get us in trouble
    And we're all going to say **** at some point(!|)    ****, ****, willies and *******!
  Come see Tech Dif Live!|    [Translating these subtitles?
 Add your name here!|]  This is the Technical Difficulties,  we're playing Citation Needed
    Joining me in the studio today: he reads books you know, it's Chris Joel!|    Spoken suggesters of salacious superlative are we
    You got an S!|    Yes!
    Everybody's favorite Gary Brannan: Gary Brannan!|    And now on Radio 3:  Flatulence from the Royal Albert Hall
    And the bounciest man on the internet: Matt Gray!|    Hello YouTube!
    In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it|    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING]    And there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is
    And today we are talking about Sidney Abram Weltmer|    Oooh!
    If he didn't win a sporting event or invent some kind of metalworking process,    then quite frankly, I am out of here|    Right, so that's two things narrowed there
    Neither of those!|    See, the thing is, you do the walk off and then you either have to commit to it,    or you have to do the  awkward walk back that you just did
    Oh, it's always the awkward walk back|    It's the 'teacher walking to the dance floor at the school disco' walk, is how I like to call it
    Yes| Yup
    Sidney Abram Weltmer|    He did invent something
 I will actually give you a point| [DING]    Thank you
    He has invented something| It's not a steelworking process
    It's not even vaguely engineering| But it is a ridiculous invention
    Is it an American person?|    Er
 yes| Wooster, Ohio
 Have a point| [DING]    Cat-powered glider
    I'm still going to count that as being under engineering|    [Laughter]    I would like to *see* a cat powered glider, but
    Mraaaaow!|    Cat-powered, that's — a glider, not exactly powered
    There's a logical fallacy in there| You can't have a powered glider
    Yeah, that's fair| That's fair
    Sorry| I love the fact we're all glossing over the cat part,    we're all just quibbling with 'powered glider'
    For all the power that a cat is going to supply, it is a glider|    Despite having an ostensible power source
    They'll just be stood at the back, looking disinterested|    Also: always going to land the right way down
    Sidney Abram Weltmer|    Was it something literary that they came up with?
    No, no|    1858 – 1930
    He came up with the 'Weltmer Method', otherwise known as 'Weltmerism'|    Oh
 Is it| I was going to say farming, but that sounds more like religion
    Oh| You're closer with religion, but not that close
 Certainly something|    Schooling
    A way of timing downhill skiing|    [Laughter]  The Weltmer Method!
    — Exactly|  — Yeah
    One one thousand!|    [Sesame Street 'Count' voice]  Two one thousand!
    Brick wall!| Boomf!
    Is it| the one that begins with an H, I don't remember what it's called?
    Is it about measuring ghosts?|    Oh, hololistic
 holololistic|    Moloholololololomystic methods?
    Harmystic legison, there?|    Holololo
 solo| syllogistic
    If anyone can actually get the words out, they'll get|    Holistic medicine!
    |I'll give you a point for it
    No, give it to him, he thought of it|    [DING]    That's the one with the really diluted stuff
    Holistic medicine|    No, you're thinking homeop
    — Homeopathy|  — Oh, homeopaths
    It's not homeopathy|  It's something a little bit weirder than even that
    Something that you do as a programme, or in a belief sense|    You believe you're better, so you are better
    Ooh| I'm going to give Matt the point for that, clearly
 [DING]    It's a placebo effect?|    It's suggestions and hypnosis
    He called it 'magnetic healing'|    Ohhh!
 As opposed to Marvin Gaye's 'Sexual Healing'|  [Laughter]    So he provided classes in magnetic healing
    I don't think it actually had anything to do with magnets| I mean
    Well, you can have him on one point then, can't you|  [Laughter]    No, it was all to do with charisma
    Well, I think — yes, in the sense of 'magnetic personality'|    Klonk!
  [Laughter]    Yeah| Rather than a sense of
    [Grunts]    My ferric shoulder, apparently|    Matt Gray's ferric shoulder
    But this was 'magnetic' in the sense of charisma|    It was clairvoyance and hypnotic suggestion
    So someone schmoozes you better, effectively?|    Essentially, yeah
    It's Derek ****ing Acorah, isn't it?|    It is a little bit Derek Acorah, yeah
  Derek Acorah doesn't heal people|    Nor did this bloke
    For those of you in the 'abroads' parts of the world, Derek Acorah's professional title is    [Music]  ' — BISCUITS!| (Oh yeah!
)'    [Laughter]    Erm|    Tom, just bleep the whole thing out
 That's what you're going to do|    [Laughter]  Just have
    The technical term for Derek Acorah is this:    You'll get that in due course, gentlemen|    [Laughter]    Yes, that's about right
    He founded the Institute of Suggestive Therapeutics|    That's brilliant!
    Eh?| Eh?
 Know what I mean?|    The Institute of Made-Up Things!
    Yeah, essentially, yes|    Well, suggestion in the sense that he would suggest to you
    And what was he trying to cure?|    Hysteria
    Gonna say, some kind of mental health condition|    Broken toes
    We're talking late 19th-century quackery, aren't we really?|    A little bit, yeah
 Tobacco addiction|    So he was kind of doing hypnotherapy for
    — That was a thing back then?|  — That was
    Because I thought of that, but then I thought that was too far ago for people to even notice|    So effectively, people were paying to come to his office while he's sat there,    in his nicest suit and his most leatherbound of chairs,    and just kind of go, 'You don't really want fags, do you?
'    — 'Stop smoking!|'  — Yeah
    'You don't really fancy one now|'    'How are you feeling?
'  'Won't like a fag|'    'Come back, give me a tenner next time
'    Yeah|    Suggestive, though, isn't it like:    'Have you tried, you know
?| Not?
 Not being addicted?|'    There were physical ailments in there as well
    Nowadays we've got a little thing you go [puff] for, but in those days|    — Asthma?
  — Asthma?|    Yep
 Point| [DING]    'Have you tried breathing properly?
'    That's pretty much what it was|    'You sound like you're breathing fine to me, I have to say
'    A ten-day course cost a hundred dollars,    which doesn't sound like much until you realize this was 1897|    What's that now?
    A simple calculation is about three thousand dollars for a course there, in modern money|    that would tell you to cure your asthma by thinking about it
    Well, not bad| If someone were to pay me three grand for telling you you're fine, I can do that as well!
    [Laughter]    I'd say postal order, or white fivers in non-sequential numbereds|    Erm
 there is also a large section here on Controversy|    — Oh, really?
  — Yes|    I can't believe that
    Some preachers and doctors were not convinced|    'Some preachers' — oh God
    |of the validity of his methods
    But some were cool with it, and were getting a cut as well, no doubt|    Was his retort, 'Have you tried thinking that you *are* fine with me doing this?
'    Yeah!|  [Laughter]    What did the U
S| Postmaster General do?
    Punched him in the nuts|  [Laughter]    'Go on, pretend *this*!
' Boosh!|    'Hoooh!
'    'Go on, think yourself better off that!|'  'Urghhh!
'    |as he's dry-heaving on the floor
    'Liar!|' he cried, as he emptied letters all over him
    [Laughter]    He did cry 'Liar', I'll give you a point for that|    Spit take!
    He did cry 'Liar', I'll give you a point for that [DING],    amidst the nut-hittery that was in there|    What can the Postmaster General do, though?
    Fly|    [Laughter]    What *options* does the Postmaster General have?
    — Nuclear|  — First or second class
    Ha!|    Signed for!
    Signed for: nut kick!|    [Laughter]    'I'm not signing that!
'    'Well, I can deliver it to next door|'  'Go ahead
'    'We tried to deliver: A NUT KICK today|'    'When would you like us to redeliver?
'    'Return to sender|'    It's one of the few times where the mail service will be delivering *to* a package
    ALL: Wahey!|    You're on form today!
    Yaay!|    This joke sponsored by Radio 4
    Postmaster General|    They called him a liar
    Yes| Called him a fraud and therefore
?|    Er
 well, took his inhaler|    Refused to deliver
    Which the Postmaster General could do|    Really!
    'I'm sorry, you're talking ****, I'm not going to deliver anything to you|'    — 'I'm not delivering your letters
'  — Yeah|    The U
S| Supreme Court eventually decided in Weltmer's favour,    and the Postmaster General was forced to continue delivering
    Himself|    But it went to the U
S| Supreme Court
    Royal Mail can't do that|    No, Royal Mail have to continue delivering
    What if the Queen — it is her mail service|    What if she decides a guy's a bit of a ****?
    [Queen voice]  'I don't want him to get letters, he has to go to the depot|'    Isn't that basically what Prince Charles does these days?
    — What, go to the depot and fetch letters for his Mum?|  — Yeah, I reckon
    No, sorry — meddles in things, and goes, 'No|'    Well, he tries to and they ignore him
    Yes|    Going down to the depot:  'She's got a bloody Amazon package again!
'    'The entirety of Game of Thrones!| She's been on her own one for sixty years!
'    |he quips, and nobody laughs at him
    'The thing is, they left a card saying nobody was in!|'    'We have over three hundred members of staff!
'    'Who was not at the door when they knocked!|'    'I don't believe they did!
'    No, the delivery person got to the front gate, and there's just a guy in a hat, stood still|    'Could you sign
?| Sorry, could you sign for this, please?
'    '|could
 could you sign|'    Just writes 'hand delivered' on it and sticks it in his hat
    Just poking out of Marge Simpson's hair|    — Oh ****!
  — What?|    I didn't hit Record
    Mail was restored| The U
S| Supreme Court decided in his favour
    But it did make it all the way to the Supreme Court|    There was also a case brought before the Supreme Court of Missouri,    against the Reverend M
 Bishop, for libel|    And frankly, 'Reverend Bishop' is a pretty good name
    You want him to keep going up the clerical scale|    Because if you don't get Archbishop Bishop
    Diagonally up|    — Yeah, diagonally
  — Ha-hey!|    Why was there a libel case against Reverend Bishop?
    What did he call Weltmer?|    A nobber
    That's — no, in U|S
 law, that's opinion, and that's fine|    — Oh, okay
  — Really!|    Yeah
 U|S
 libel law|    Hello, Acorah?
    Yeah| No, U
S| libel law is much less strict than the U
K|'s
    Opinion is justified in the First Amendment|    In my opinion, Derek Acorah is a ****
    That's fine|    Actually, genuine exemption under U
K| libel law for vulgar abuse
    **** **** ****!|  [Laughter]    Those are his middle names
    Ah!| That's a statement of fact
    Oho!|    Anyway — what did Bishop call Weltmer?
    A ****bag|    Opinion
    A factual ****bag|    A liar
    Yeah, I'll give you the point| [DING]  'Miserable charlatan'
    Oooh!|    You see, 'a charlatan', he could take
 But actually he was a fellow full of joie de vivre|    [Laughter]  He wasn't going to stand for that!
    'What!| I throw the very best of parties
  I just don't understand!|'    'I'm not having "miserable"!
'    'My magnetic personality!|'    'I *tell* everyone I throw the very best of parties and they seem to believe me
'    [Laughter]    The Institute, though, treated a huge number of people|    At its height, how many people a day went through its doors,    paying about a hundred 1895 dollars each?
    It's going to be a high number if you're asking us to guess it|    — Yeah
  — How many people a day?|    How many people a day went through, paying
    Couple of hundred?|    Twenty
    I was going to ballpark somewhere around Gary, so|    Yeah
 Four hundred| [DING]  About four hundred a day,    paying what is now about three grand each
    So it wasn't just him, then?|    It wasn't just him
 Seventeen healers, a hundred stenographers and typists to process mail|    This was a big institute
    This is bull**** on an industrial scale|    Yeah, it really is
    Just raking it in for going, 'Ah, you're fine|'    Yeah
    Right, chaps, we need to get in on this racket|    Whoa, whoa
 Engage the time machine, we'll make a mint|    There is one practitioner here, J
O| Crone
    — 'Genuine Old Crone'|  — Yep
    Oh, no, it'd be G, wouldn't it| Ah, whatever
    You're not going to get a more late 19th-century name than 'J|O
 Crone', are you really?|    How much training did you get before
    None!|    Yes, absolutely right
 [DING]    He wrote of his first hypnosis, of a woman patient:    '|this was my first attempt to hypnotize a patient
'    Can you imagine busking, trying to get someone to be hypnotized?|    And just viciously making it up at that point in time
    'So just, er, lie down| close your eyes
?|  That working for you?
'    'Yes!| It is, isn't it?
 Oooh, you're feeling sleepy!|'    Well, there will be placebo effect, people who want to play along
  it may still have worked|    Particularly if she'd been there before a couple of times,    and knew the procedure
 She might have walked out of there *feeling* better|    One of the people he hired, of course, had the Vicious Punching Method of getting people to be hypnotized
    'Go!| To!
 Sleep!|'    'Well, me asthma's gone, but me eye really aches
'  [Laughter]    There was also a book|  There was of course a book
    What do you reckon it was about?|    'I Can Bull**** You Better
'    No, you see, it wasn't on the side of 'this is how to heal someone'|    Accounting?
    Oh, did you do it as a correspondence course?|    No, Matt, I'm going to give you a point again
 [DING]  'How to make magnetic healing pay'|    He's not even making it out that it's actually useful, is he?
    He's just about 'Me And My Money: How I Got Your Cash'|    '
a thorough knowledge of Magnetic Healing alone will not bring success|'    '
a knowledge of the business side [|] is necessary as well
'    It was a get-rich-quick scheme|    I should point out here: you can't libel the dead
    And he's definitely dead|    So I'm going to describe that as a get-rich-quick scheme
    As you can't libel the dead: ******|    Again: opinion
    Well, on that opinion, congratulations Matt|    You win this week's show, quite clearly
    Congratulations — you win tiny deep-fried mashed potato balls,    presented by an American folk hero every day for a week|    No!
    Gno|cchi
?|    No, go on
    They are Davy Crockett's dainty croquettes daily|    — Ughh!
  — Heyy!|    With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel!
    Matt Gray!|    Gary Brannan!
    I've been Tom Scott| We'll see you next time
    [Laughter]    All: Oooh!|    That is my rank in the army
    [Laughter]  Have a point| [DING]    Sergeant Major — Sergeant Reckless!
    — You get a point for|  — Yay!
    |for successfully saying this is something or someone
    Right, that's the end, we can go home|    Personal b
  Right, see you, everybody|    [Laughter]  That's us done for the day
    Will you both|!
    [Translating these subtitles?| Add your name here!
]  Today's show is sponsored by new Findus Toilet Wallets!|    We're not sure what they are either
    We sell 'em, you smell 'em!|    You just open it:  [Mechanical door noise]    This is the Technical Difficulties
  We are playing Citation Needed|    I have an almost-randomly selected article from    everybody's favourite source of knowledge, Wikipedia,    in front of me, and these folks cannot see it
    Every fact that they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    and there is a prize for particularly good answers which is|    And your topic today is: 'simplehuman'
    [Laughter]    Hello!|    Hi!
    Pass a bigger shovel, we're going to be digging deep today|    I use the cardinal directions of 'up', 'down', 'left' and 'right'
    I think I qualify|    Is it like the whole Simple English thing, or something?
    Oh, like a simpler version of the language?|    Yeah, is it sort of an overall thing to try and    achieve that in humanity or something, or
?|    No
    Is it an album?|    Ooh, no it's not, but that's a nice prog rock album title there
    I was going to say, 'Simple Human' is a|    That is pretty much Granddaddy
    Yeah, I thought it would be something like that| Okay
    Let's get the obvious — is it an LP,    is it a film, or something like that?|    Is it media?
 Is it a medium?|    It's not media at all
    Okay| Is it some kind of eco-revolution?
    Ooo, not really, no|    Oh sure, like a Good Life thing
    A notion about how mankind used to exist|    pre-evolutionary or something like that?
    You're all thinking really quite big-picture here,    and not at all commercial|    — Commercial?
  — Commercial|    Oh, do they make bog roll?
    Oh, you know what, you're getting a point| [DING]    What!
    It's not that close|    They make rubbish bins,    but that's close enough out of the blue    that I'm going to
    That's like standing in a pub with a dart in your hand,    spinning around three times with your eyes closed,    doing THAT and getting a bulls-eye!|    That's how I play darts
    And that's why you're banned!|    Oh, actually yeah, I've seen Matt play darts
    Flailing!|    They go through to the other side and into the wall
    Actually, to be fair, it's more like standing in a pub    with a dart in your hand, a pint in the other hand,    throwing at the dartboard  and knocking everything down in the skittle alley|    Yes
 Yes|    So simplehuman make bins
    They do| They are considered, and I quote here,    'among the most high-end [trash] cans on the market today'
    Can you tell me why?|    Why are they some of the best bins?
    They wear a cravat|    Are they antibacterial or er, micro
 biobial|    — Micro-biober
  — Miroberber|    There were some words there, Matt
 And the answer:    No|    Higher —  Are they made of gold?
    Or diamonds?| Or something otherwise desirable?
    I'll give you a point for diamonds, because it's|    Carbon!
    |durability
 [DING]    Durability?| They last a long time
    It's one of the reasons|    Huerrr
    I don't know what that noise meant|    I can't count the number of times I've broken my bins
    No, you literally can't, because it's zero|    — Yes
 [Laughs]  — Yeah|    Yes
 I've never broken a wheelie bin or anything in my life|    I mean, I've ridden in one, and I've never broken it
    Are we talking dumpster-styley things, though,    — Yeah, actually|  — that get serious industrial
    No, we're talking much|    — Kitchen
  — Yeah, kitchen bins|    An unbreakable kitchen bin?
    Do they do the solar compacting thing?|    Are they odour-proof?
    Odour-suppressant?|    Do they play a nice tune when you put something in them?
    ['Shave and a haircut' melody]    Do they make the tea?|    I seem to recall a giveaway
    I feel like it was some soft drink or other,    that gave you a little thing that you attached to your bin    that made a noise every time you opened it|    What was the noise though?
    All right, you come home late from the pub one night|    If you're in my situation — you're a married man,    you've snuck back in, not wanting to wake the wife up,    you've taken your shoes off, you've done the lot
    You've sneakily eaten the kebab    that you said you weren't going to have,    you tiptoe over to the bin|    [Comedy music riff]    At this point, it's good you've taken your shoes off,    because you're sleeping on the couch tonight
    Yeah| 'Where've you been?
!|'  That kind of thing
    Great| Thanks for making a noisy bin-thing
    You're right about technologically advanced bins here,    but it's one thing in particular that it does|    Techno-Bins!
    No, that's just bins that dance to repetitive music|    [Dance beat]    This is not a product placement,    this is just what 'Random Article' pulled up for me
    Does it sift and sort and do your recycling for you?|    No, it's much less advanced than that
    Does it play 'Free Bird'?|    Does it let you put rubbish in it?
    — No|  — Yes
 Easily|    What would make that more —    Front flap!
    How more easy than an open-mouthed|    It's not open-mouthed
    It's got an automatic lid|    — Bingo!
 Point to you| [DING]  — Ahh
    It has an automatic sensor-activated lid|    — I think I've seen adverts for that now
  — Yup|    — What
  — Like, late night, on a silly channel    that no one ever watches anyway|    So what, you wave at it?
 Play a trumpet?|    Call it?
    There is just no hope left for humanity, is there really?|    No, not really
    This is basically, you wave your hand toward the bin    and it opens for you|    Until of course it breaks down, at which point it just becomes
    But they don't break!| It says
    What happens when the bin turns against you    and starts throwing banana peels in your face?|    
which will happen!|    When the monkeys take over the world, anyway
    What else have they added sensors to?|    Because there's other kitchen and bathroom stuff    they've added sensors to
    Oh| Knives
 I've seen sensors in knives|    [Laughter]  Whoa, whoa — what?
!|    Forks!
 Sorry, no|    It wasn't a knife, it was a fork
  [Laughter]    Oh God| Curry tonight's going to be entertaining, isn't it
    [Caveman grunts]    What would you do to a fork?| What possible
    When you're cooking a steak|    — Ah
  — It's got a temperature probe on it,    and it tells you when it's done|    'Bring the temperature probe
'    So surely you just need a knife and a temperature probe|    Why, when you could have it in a fork    that you can then use to eat it?
    Or something, I don't know|    But it was a thing you stuck in a steak
    There was another| a pan!
  They put a sensor in a pan as well|    — What for?
  — Steak, again!|    — Okay
  — I've seen it on a shopping channel|    Of a pan that will tell you    of what manner your steak will be done
    — |at the current temperature of pan
  — Oh, okay|    My big issue with this is that Brannan watches shopping channels
    Of course I watch shopping channels!|    He's a married man
 What else has he to do?|    Occasionally, we go down the shopping channels and go,    'Nah
 Nah| Nah
 Bra?| Sorry, luv, no bras
'    'Trousers that make your arse look better| that one
'    Saw one for pasta, as well|    We're actually looking in the bathroom for this
    — Scales|  — Toilet
    I like the idea that they put an insensitive in a scale|    [Laughter]    'Step off, lardo
 I can't take this any more|'    That's the old gag, though, isn't it?
    You step on the scale, it says 'One at a time, please|'    'No coach parties
'    Bog roll!|    GARY: That's a good place!
    No, it's not, actually|    It's very obvious when you've run out of bog roll
    But that answer's already got me points once before,    so I thought I'd try it again|  [Laughter]    Not this time
    It's not absurd, though| Not in a private bathroom,    but in, like works ones,    — because you've got the automatic tap sensors
  — Yes|    I've seen ones for, erm
    You're getting close with automatic tap sensors, by the way|    Yeah
 And there's the things where you give it that number,    and it gives you a couple of sheets to dry your hands on,    so bog roll's just the next one on that stage|    Yeah, but people want different amounts, don't they
    You don't just want one or two sheets|    Yeah, but you just go
  Toilets?|    Everything in the bathroom apart from the one
    — You've got the water, the towels|  — Toilets!
 Showers!|    — Soap
  — Bingo!| Point
  [DING]    Oh yeah| [Mechanical noise]    Just going back to your bog roll thing
    Do you want to be sat in a work setting, in a cubicle,    and if you have to do this or something    to get the toilet roll to come out|    It'd be great for the Queen
    [Laughter]  Yes|    She'd never stop it
 She'd just be surrounded by it|    [Laughter]  She'd be like an
    Slowly — just this hand, as the paper rises|!
    It's actually the train on her wedding dress|    It's winding around her hand
    'Nooo!|'    She looks like a naughty Andrex puppy when they find her
    But the other thing is, a toilet roll dispenser telling you —    like you say, in a public one — that there's not much left|    — 'Go careful now!
'  [Laughter]    'If it was a curry, choose another stall|'    Isn't that what toilet attendants used to probably do?
    Can you imagine?|    'Not that one!
 She's out| Use Number 1
'    Can you tell me anywhere they might be sold?|    We're looking for American retail stores
    Walmart!|    Well, possibly, but we're looking for some more
    Bed Bath & Beyond|    — Point!
  — Ohh!|    — Damn
  — [DING] Spot on|    I always did wonder what 'Beyond' was
    Electric bins!|    [Laughter]    Electric speaky clever bins,    and toilet roll warning devices
    'Danger: Bog Roll|'    I want Danger Bog Roll
    'Each sheet a new danger!|'    — Cactus
  — 'This one is covered in crocodiles!|'    Croc
!|    [Gnashing sounds]    'There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with this one
    'Poison ivy!|'    But why would I?
 She's lovely|    [Groan]    No, just you've got Russian Roulette toilet paper
    One's chili|    Capsaicin, yeah
    One sheet out of every six has poison ivy or capsaicin on it|    Ohh, yes!
    One out of six: spearmint|    Tingly, but not necessarily wrong!
    Mint sauce, kind of|    TCP
    You'd smell that one from a mile off|    Witch hazel
    Tea tree!|    That would spice up toilet breaks, wouldn't it though?
    Russian Toilette|    Yes!
    Whoa, whoa, whoa!| 'Wheel of Fart-une'
    *Weal* of Fart-une|    Yes
    I've got in my head, Nicky Campbell|    Nicky Campbell!
    Or Pat Sajak, for you Americans out there,    spinning the wheel, and you wonder what it'll land on|    'I'm sorry, that's porcupine
'    'You've got| aloe vera
'    — 'Allo, Vera|'  — 'Alright, Gene
'    Ayyy!|    Does anyone want to tell me  what Bed Bath & Beyond used to be called?
    Because the first one opened in 1971|  it had a different name
    Is it something really prosaic, like Harrison's Home Supplies?|    Sleep Health Privy & Whatever
    I'd say it's about one-third more prosaic|    Bed & Bath
    Correct!|  [DING]    'Wait, we're selling more than just beds and baths
    'What do we call it?|'    'Bed, Bath
 "Beyond" will probably do|    'Everybody?
 Shall we knock off early?|'    'Bed, Bath and
 a third item|'    'Come in to see what it is!
'    'I need some pillows, a new plug for the bath  and some Tarot cards|'    That was the second version of the name
    It was just hanging off the edge of the store|    Bed Bath & Tarot Cards?
    Bed Bath Pillows Some Other Things & Tarot Cards|    While we're on Bed Bath & Beyond, by the way
    since we seem to be going down this wiki-hole|    They've bought a lot of companies
    Can you tell me what the name of the company    that sold Christmas trees was    that they bought about 2003?|    Green Pricks!
    What?|    Chris Masterson's Christmas Trees
    You're all being far too serious here|    The Christmas Tree Shop
    — Point!|  [DING]  — F*** off!
    I was so close!|    Ha!
 'What do you sell?|'  'Cars
'    All right| There is one last thing that simplehuman sell,    which is a sensor mirror
    Can you tell me what it does?|    Tells you you're ugly?
    'Mirror, mirror on the wall|'    'How do I look today?
'    Northerner mirror:  'F***in' dreadful|'    Is it a sensorless mirror?
    Ha!| A senseless mirror
    'Idiot!|'    A really insensitive —    'Why did you leave the house?
!|'    A sensor mirror?
 I mean, what, does it|    tell you you've brushed your teeth, or give you gestures
    I've got to be honest, all the sensors so far are just    if something is close to it| It's not much of a sensor
    Does it turn the lights on?|    Point
  [DING]    It turns the lights on if you're close to the mirror|    How do you know you're close to the mirror    if the lights aren't on?
    It doesn't turn the room lights on, it turns the mirror|    — Sensor mirror: Boomf!
  — 'Oh f***!|'    And you hammer the light switch,  which is just set a bit behind it
    'I've sensed the mirror!|'    'Why did I install this s****y mirror?
'    'I've got to turn the lights off again now|'  Doof!
    'Mirror, mirror, on the wa — ohhh!|'    'Oh, you bastard!
'    Same with the oven!|    [Sizzling noise]  'Aaargh!
'    At the end of that|    It's the most dangerous house going
    — The hot tap on the bath|  — Turn the telly on?
 Doonk!|    [Groans]    'Honey?
 Will you switch on the light in the living room?|'    I don't want to use the waste disposal
    'I need to fry some bacon| Can you turn on the gas?
'    Whoomph!|    At the end of that, congratulations Matt!
    — F***!|  — What?
!|    You did score all the genuine points though
    He did actually get the answers, yeah, you're right|    You win a gift voucher to everyone's favourite  Communist high street shop,    which is Marx & Spencer, so do enjoy that
    Until then, that's been Matt Gray|    That's been Gary Brannan
    That's been Chris Joel|    I've been Tom Scott
 We'll see you next time|    Hey, thanks for watching!
    If you liked the show then tell someone, tell us,    or send us a telegram|    And there are all-new episodes of our reverse trivia podcast    over at techdif
co|uk
    [Translating these subtitles?| Add your name here!
]  MATT: Hi, I'm Matt|  TOM: And I am Tom
    MATT: And this is the Park Bench|  TOM: Covered my hand with    my face when I did that
    That was rather| "Stay away from me, I'm Tom"    MATT: "Bye!
"  TOM: "Talk to the hand!|"    MATT: Soobtitlays?
  TOM: I'm sorry?|    MATT: Soobtitlays
  TOM: Subtitles!|    MATT: Soobtitlay!
    TOM: Are you deliberately making this video about    subtitles difficult to subtitle?|    MATT: (laughter) I wasn't!
    TOM: Because that—  MATT: —but I shall now!|    (laughter)    TOM: So for a long time    I have had community translations    on my regular YouTube channel because    subtitles are important; I do subtitling    myself or I get someone to transcribe it    and then subtitle it because accessibility    is important
 Like, really really    important| I get angry about bad    accessibility
  MATT: Yeah|  TOM: My current bugbear    by the way—  MATT: Yeah?
  TOM: is— this|  controversial opinion    time
 Those Tube signs| You know when    you go into a Tube station and they're using    the information board to display a    thought for the day or a little    platitude or something like that?
 Those    are terrible and should be banned|  MATT: Yep
 Someone    whose first language isn't English is    going to go up to that and go (ooh) and think it's    something important|  TOM: Don't use    information boards— don't train people to    ignore information boards
 And— if you want to get    really really grinchy on this, Christmas    time, a couple of rail companies in    London on the commuter lines change    their destination boards to be Christmas    puns for all the stations, so — I can't    think of the puns now — what have we got?|    Name a station
    Name a National Rail station somewhere|    MATT: Croydon
  TOM: Croydon| Er
 "Christmasdon"|    TOM: Seven Sisters would be "Seven Swans    a-Swimming" or something like that
 Don't—    MATT: If you don't know where— if it's not your    usual journey then you're buggered|  TOM: If    it's not your usual journey or language    or like me you are running for a train    and you just need to know what platform    to get to that place don't replace    accessibility information with jokes
    MATT: Yeah|  TOM: Equally I get annoyed by    subtitle tracks that contain jokes    because the job is—    MATT: It's accessibility; it's not an extra stream    of jokes; the jokes are already there
    TOM: Good subtitles replace audio perfectly    and then    get out of the way|  MATT: It's something that    you can use to do its job so you    continue enjoying the video rather than have    to put extra effort into    deciphering
  TOM: Yeah| Like it's a heck of a— like,    subtitling is a heck of a skill
 Like,    subtitling well, erm, is really difficult|    And for YouTube it's easier because you    just have to provide a transcript it's    OK to do word for word because people can    slow down the video, rewind, pause, anything    like that
(coughs) Sorry,  I actually went off    on a rant and need some water now, excuse me|    MATT: I've watched non-English TV programmes    before and used the subtitles so I can see    why they're useful, having watched    The Bridge and The Genius and
  TOM: Yes| Yeah, like
    MATT: You want— you won't need to watch the    people and understand what's going    on from the context as well as read the    words; you just need them to get out|    TOM: And also, decent subtitles mean that if    you're in a place where you can't listen    to a thing or you just want to read the    transcript and get the gist of it, you    have that ability
 Long story short I am    basically YouTube's poster child for    subtitles because if you go to the Help    Centre on enabling community subtitling    translations there is an interview with    me there|  MATT: Or, there was in 2017
    TOM: Fair| (Laughs) Well yeah,    after the incident in January 2018    where YouTube decided to completely disavow    me
  MATT: If that actually happens, that would be hilarious| No, this will    be deleted
  TOM: Yeah, but| erm
    MATT: (singing) Get to the point!|  TOM: Yes
 The point is, we have debated    for a long time whether to enable    community subtitles on this channel|    Because I was not convinced for a long time    that it was worth it
  MATT: There are much    better things that deserve subtitles    than us talking crap|  TOM: Yes, like the stuff    that either of us put effort into, yeah    by all means, translate the hell out of    that—obviously I subtitle my own, so    that's not really required,    but there are educational channels out    there that don't get subtitling
 There    are the channels I— that my guest    videos, the guest videos that came to my    channel| They should get subtitled
    MATT: People that are doing good stuff that have less    resource to do this with then that's a    good destination for someone that feels like    community subtitling to go for|    TOM: Right, 'cause it is sadly a zero-sum game    right?
 There's only so much time    available to— if you can hear some    giggling, by the way, its folks over there in    YouTube's cafe reflecting off the giant    glass window behind us| Don't subtitle    that
  MATT: It's just going to be entire blank lines in the subtitles|    TOM: So, er
 we    weren't sure it was a good idea to    enable it here because ultimately there    is only so much time people have to    subtitle, and we feel like it would be better    put on something else| That said, in the    past week three separate people have    asked us to turn it on so they can subtitle
    MATT: And we've seen it every so often over    the last few months as well|  TOM: Yeah
 Now, to be fair,    YouTube's automated systems are    really good now|  MATT: Sorry, I've got pins and    needles and I have to move my hand like    TOM: We could have got like a mic stand; we    could've gone full, like, InfoWars here and—    like, InfoWars from a park, and    got a proper mic and just— and to be fair,    just started (shouts) RANTING LIKE THIS!
 But, you know|    Anyway
 We're turning it on,    experimentally, to see what happens|    MATT: And see what the quality of it's like
  TOM: Yeah,    because it's all done automatically| Like,    we don't have a say in approving it or    anything like that
 We could go in and    manually run everything|  MATT: We can't put the time    in to do it fully and properly to the    standard that we would like if we were    to do it, which is why we haven't turned    it on
  TOM: Yeah|  MATT: And it feels like farming it out    to someone else felt a bit wrong as well, as    the whole thing that you've mentioned    TOM: Yes
 Oh, and there's also the fact that it    feels like it's something that I should    probably, you know, pay for| It's a thing    that, you know, is a volunteer effort and    I feel a little bit awkward asking people    to volunteer for this when    there's better stuff out there
 So    experimentally, we are activating it|    MATT: We're not asking for it
 We're allowing you    to do it if you feel like it| We're    not— we're not specifically asking you to    do it, as we've said
 It's a lot of work    and it's not the kind of thing we would do for    anyone else!|  TOM: And I'm also painfully aware now that    every word I say someone — for this    video, at least — someone is going to go in    and subtitle
    MATT: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious|    TOM: And that's what I mean!
 'Cause|    MATT: Everything— every time we keep rambling is giving    you longer!
  TOM: And I feel bad about that!|    MATT: (laughs) And the whole point of this channel is    for us to keep talking randomly!
 Oh    God my sentence structure!| Good luck!
  TOM: So,    thank you, but if you're going to    subtitle something there are better    things to subtitle out there — do them first!|    MATT: (laughs) Soobtitlay!
    Soobtitlay away!|    TOM: Anyone who's not English will only have just    worked out that you're
    MATT: It's a mispronunciation of "subtitle"|    TOM: He does this with "Rotherhithe"
  MATT: "Roe-thur-hith-uh"|    TOM: "Peterborough"
  MATT: "Per-ter-borough"|    TOM: "Stevenage"
    MATT: "Ste-ven-gan-ay"| Never done that one before
 I added    an extra letter|    MATT: (nonsensical noises) Befoodler, skiddly biddly, cadoodler
    Can you just smash cut that on the end    of the subtitling one, please?|    (laughter)    TOM (off screen): Cool, that's a wrap
    MATT: (bad Cockney accent) No it's not!|  Today's show is sponsored by  Jenny Eclair's Electric Chairs:    You'll have a shocking time!
    This is the Technical Difficulties|  We are playing Citation Needed
    I've got an almost-randomly selected article    from everybody's favourite reliable source of knowledge, Wikipedia,    and these folks can't see it|    Every fact they get right is a point, and a ding [DING],    and there is a special prize  for particularly good answers, which is
    And today we are talking about Stefania Follini|    Of course!
 Stefania Follini of the Wiltshire Follinis,    if I'm not too mistaken|    Definitely not the Wiltshire Follinis!
    Oh, bollocks| I'm out then!
    Right!|    Broad guess at which country we're insulting today: Italy!
    Yup!| Correct!
 [DING] Have a point|    Wahey!
    Hold-a onto your pasta pizza lasagna!|    Oh, here we go
    All right| Sports person?
    No, not at all| Interior designer, actually
    From Italy?|!
    But that's not what she's famous for|    She's not famous for anything she did, chaps
    This is going to be a tough one|    She's not famous for interior design
 She had|    Did she drive an Italian car?
    No| She, erm
 she had an experiment on herself|    Another head
    [Laughter]    Don't think medical surgery had got that|    The world's first two-headed —  you know, that one there, the other one just about here
    It's about 1989|  Medical science definitely hadn't gotten that far
    Was she trying to work out what would happen    if you wore the same pair of jeans for three years?|    Whoa
    Now|    You're wrong
 You're obviously massively wrong|    But it is a kind of — it's a self-imposed
    thing that went on for a hundred and thirty days|    Lived in a hot-air balloon!
    Oh| Lived somewhere, yes
    — In a hot air balloon|  — Under the sea
    Down where it's wetter|  Down where it's better!
    [Sings]  Under the sea!|    Not quite
 You're very close here|    Underground
    Yes!| In a cave, in fact
 [DING]    For why?|    Interior design purposes?
    No| an experiment about circadian rhythms
    — You get a point, by the way, just there|  — Ah, thanks
    Not just a niche in some rock —  we're talking, absolute proper underground|    — Yup
  — A cavern then, rather than a cave|    'Mites-go-up, 'tites-go-down kind of cave
    Yes| She actually has the women's world record  for longest cave isolation
    Was it presented by Norris McWhirter, that certificate?|    Old school reference!
    Thank you!|    I'm reasonably sure I've heard or read somewhere before,    that in darkness,    the circadian rhythm of a human is about twenty-three hours
    Apparently, it actually drifted towards, first of all, a twenty-eight-hour day,    then a forty-eight-hour one|    But you're absolutely right, have a point [DING]    for it being away from twenty-four hours
    Does that mean we'd do more in the dark?|    Is that what you're saying?
    Away from any reference, away from the sun coming up over here,    setting over there| Away from that
    our bodies generally go for 25, 26, 27, 28 hours|    I am so surprised that a business hasn't set up underground    just to get longer days out of people
    I think that's basically the Amazon warehouses|    — Wahey!
  — Hmm|    Does that proportion
    Does that mean you might get, I don't know, a three-hour dinner break?|    Actually no — forty-eight hours, it'd be double, wouldn't it?
    Yeah| Well, no, it wouldn't
 You'd just work twenty-four more hours|    I can't see them adding an extra
    No, but your dinner break would have to be longer, wouldn't it?|    That depends
 I mean, you're the union man here|    I *am* the union man, thank you very much!
    [Singing]  'He is the union man, he comes from far away|'    'He can play—'  No he can't, he's on strike
    [Laughter]    And he can negotiate, I think you'll find|    So, obviously she was down in the cave with no external light,    no clocks, no anything like that
    Wait a minute| She's an interior designer
    — Yes|  — She's going to have clocks
    And cushions, and tables and things like this as well, isn't she?|    Throws
    Throws!|    What do you think she did take down with her?
    A chaise longue|    It's —    Something with big flappy cuffs
    It's describing them here as 'her only companions'|    MDF
    So anything that would keep her spirits up during isolation|    — Cats
  — Paint|    White spirit
    Desert Island Discs|    White spirit?
!|  [Laughter]    'This is a far superior drink to meths!
'    Erm, not quite what| did you say 'cats'?
    Yes|    Not quite right
  In fact, you wouldn't want them down there|    Moles!
    Ants|    — [Laughing]  I can't take ants with me!
  — Dog|    You're going the wrong way down the cartoon food chain
    — A duck!|  — Oh, okay
 Mice|    Mice
 Thank you, point| [DING]    'Two "friendly mice" named Giuseppe and Nicoletta'
    We are in Italy, naturally|    Er, no we're not
  Do you want to take a guess where it was?|    France
    Austria|    Switzerland
    Wrong continent|    — Why the
?| Sorry, are there
  — South America then|    They've got their own f***ing caves!
    Are there no f***ing caves in Europe?|    But this was partly organised by NASA
    — Ooh|  — 'Merica!
    Hang on!| Why did NASA come to an interior designer and say,    'Do you want to live in a cave in
 wherever for a year?|'    Look, they wanted to use the cave later on,    they needed somebody to fit it out,  and they wanted it done for free
    Can you imagine that?|  'Well, er, now you've been down here
    'I just wonder, while you're in, could you, er|    'just zhoosh the place up a bit while you're in?
    'I mean, you know, a couple of throws|'    'The feng shui is not quite right
'    'It's not quite — the qi is off|'    'I think we need some of the walls painting, definitely
'    She actually decorated the cave 'with cutouts made from cardboard'|    
of people?| Tell me it was of people
  [Laughter]    Er| it doesn't say
    It was like a cutout of Bill Clinton|    No, it's like that bit from Bugsy Malone,    where they've got one bolted to a little minature railway road so it looks like —    — Isn't that Home Alone?
  — Home Alone|    — And Bugsy Malone as well
  — Really!|    Yeah, it is both
    When Fat Sam's gang has all been 'killed',    they set up a load of cardboard cutouts|    Maybe the train thing's Home Alone, but
    What else did she take down with her?|    Skateboard
    Not really all that good on a cave floor|    Well, yeah, but something to learn
    Fifteen pounds of LSD|    'Herbal substances'
    — Food|  — Yeah, fair point actually
    Well okay, yes, there was food down there, but as companions|    It's actually not that different  from what I'd expect someone in 2014 to
    The voice of Morgan Freeman|    No, the only way she could communicate  was through one of these
    Morgan Freeman|    A bat
    — Just a computer, was what I was looking for|  — Sign interpreter
    Where!| In when?
    1989| So it was just a text terminal  that talked to the folks at Nasa
    Bear in mind that Nasa's backing this up|    So she's getting light, then, from the screen
    Oh no, it didn't say without light|  It's without natural light
    — Yeah|  — Oh!
 Sorry, I thought she was in the dark!|    No, no!
    No, no, she'd just got no outside datum  to tell when it's day and night|    Oh!
 But wouldn't the lights turning on and off give you an idea?|    No, she's in control of that
    Ohh|    She doesn't know when nighttime is
    Yeah| She can exist as she normally would,    but that then settles down into twenty-eight hours
    This is where the perseverance that you'd need to do the thing    wouldn't pay off for me| I'd just keep a clock going,    and just turn the lights off at the right time
    Well, that's the thing| She wasn't allowed them
    The computer wouldn't have had a clock|    It would just be a terminal back and forth to tell
  to communicate with people|    Wouldn't you, right, at least on April the first,    have taken the opportunity to really s*** her up    via that computer terminal?
    If she can't see the outside world,    I'd have just typed the word 'HELP' repeatedly,    with 'THEY HAVE DONE IT|'    'OH GOD THEY HAVE DONE IT' — repeatedly
    Er| No
    — '89, yeah, that'd be a bit harsh|  — Yeah
    Yeah, but I wouldn't say who 'they' were  and what they'd done|    It's five years too late, really
    It would turn out all they'd done is block the toilet    in the gents' first floor loo|    She lost a lot of weight while she was in there,    because obviously her rhythms have spread out,    so she's taking meals less often, she lost weight
    She actually came out on May the 22nd, 1989|    Is the next question going to be,  what day did she think it was?
    Yeah| In fact, you can have a point for correctly guessing    — 
what I was about to ask there| [DING]  — Nice
    She went in on January 13th,  came out May the 22nd|    — And she thought it was the middle of March?
  — And she thought every day was two days?|    — Something like that, yeah
  — [DING]  D'you know what|    March the 15th
 Exactly the middle of March|    I would have pretended it was later
    Oh, he's claiming his biscuit right now|    — Get in there
  — That's mine, this is mine|    The room, by the way —  do you want to guess what its size is,    and what it was made of?
    Because they actually built a room down in the cave|    — Hang on!
  — Plasterboard|    I'm rewinding from my admiration
    I thought she was in a pitch-black dark cave, tripping over things|    Dripping things like moss and
    Yeah| Suddenly they've built her a bijou residence down there
    It's hardly a bijou residence|    — Tent
  — Chipboard|    It's a 20-by-12-foot acrylic glass room
    — Glass?|  — Glass?
!|    Acrylic glass, yeah
    Why?|    Okay, so she can still see out to the cave,    but she's constricted in movement?
 Eugh!|    Yeah
    Yeee|    Is that the kind of thing they only give them when they go to Mars?
    That, I think, was one of the reasons, yeah|    It was an experiment on circadian rhythms,    on how you can survive with no external cues
    But you're trapped in a box that you can see out of,    just to black, which is|    Oh my God, that's horrib
 actually, now I see|    The bubble idea, that's even worse
    I thought she might have had a Portakabin or something|    Stefania Follini has the women's world record
    There is a men's world record for complete isolation,    which is again taken|    Was it the Russians in that thing that's happened recently,    that was three hundred-odd days?
    That wasn't underground chamber isloation|    They were still kind of locked in a room
    I'm not going to make a joke at all —    I'm going to say something like the Chilean miners?|    Er, no
 It's an Italian sociologist and caver    called Maurizio Montalbini|    Who just wanted a really long holiday doing his hobby
    Yeah|    'Er, it's a
 study| Yeah!
 Can I get this paid for?|'    Fair point, actually
    The interior designer's cave wasn't her natural environment|    But a caver would like to be in a cave
    Sociologist and caver?|    'Hmmm
 how can I get this comped?|'    That's actually an entire year
    He entered on December the 6th, 1992,    got out December the 5th, 1993|    After she'd done it, then
  He was going for the proper record|    Yeah
 He broke all records|    thinking it was June the 6th
    So he'd, again, had about double the time  that he thought he'd actually|    Wow, that's a lot more than spinning out    to a twenty-eight-hour rhythm, isn't it?
    Yeah| Well, they said with her as well,    it became a forty-eight-hour rhythm
    Yeah, twenty-eight to forty-eight| Wow
    Just quoting what it says here —  I'm not sure what this means:    '|his immune defence system fell from a level of 23 to 0'
    — NO!|  — Dun dun dunnn!
    Not zero!|!
 Zero's the worst number!|    So presumably there's not a lot living down there,    so it's not fighting stuff off all the time
    — Yeah|  — What are the units here?
    There are no units given in this at all|    This is basically a maths teacher's
    Resistons| seses
    All we know is, whatever it is,    if something drops to zero, that's bad|    So above the cave, for Stefania Follini,    there was a trailer
    For what film?|    Just on a loop, endlessly
 She went insane|    When they announced the end of the experiment to her,    you know, they sent down the message saying,  'It's okay, you can come out,'    What do you think she sent back?
    And this may be a translation from the Italian    or it may be the original|    'F*** off?
'  Question mark|    'I've just got the place looking how I want it!
'    You know what?| Point
 [DING]    It was actually 'Are you really serious?|'    But you're absolutely right,  it was a question mark in disbelief
    So I'm giving you the point for that one|    Yeah!
    I also like the newspaper article|    I'm now looking at the original here that it references
    What happened to her immediately after she came out?|    What were the scientists doing to her?
    — Poking|  — Probing!
    Point!| [DING]    — Poking?
  — Yup| Who said 'poking' first?
    — One of us|  — Er
 one of us, yeah|    — I'm going to give you both points
  — Hahey!|    '[P]oked with needles and tagged with electrodes'
    Bzzt| Bzzt
    And then given some vouchers and told to 'enjoy herself'|    'Here's one free McDonald's —    'oh no, your immune system's dropped, hasn't it
'    'Don't eat it!|'    What's surprising me here is,    now I'm looking this up, I've just made a connection here
    because there's the article from the Daily News in 1989:    Experiment coordinator?|    Maurizio Montalbini
    [Laughter]    Ooh!| Ooh!
    I'll put my tinfoil hat on for that one, thank you very much|    The guy who later went on to break the record again,    was the experiment coordinator
    Presumably because he is the world's expert    on staying in a cave for a long time|    On staying in a hole, yeah
    He learned all he needed to know  and then used it against her|    He was like, 'F*** doing it first
'    'It could kill me!| Let some other f***er do it
'    While she's down there, all the time he's just sat there,    rubbing his hands and going, 'SOON|'    I just like the idea that he just went
    'Right, I need to do this experiment prior to mine|    'What profession to choose?
    'Who will be hardiest against these hardships?|'    [Together]  'Interior designers!
'    You're actually, with the whole rubbing hands|    'Miss Follini', it says,    'heard a human voice other than her own' for the first time
    'Stefania, I am your God, talking to you|'    — Whoaa!
  — Dude had issues!|    Of all the things he could have said!
    He'd be laying in bed going,  'What do I say?| What do I say?
'    'What do I say?| Argh!
'    'I know!| "This is your God talking to you!
"'    I like the idea that he hired James Mason  just to make sure it sounded right|    The last thing, then,  is a quote from a news article about this
    'She dismisses concern that her contribution to science was an ordeal|'    What did she say it was instead?
    'It was all right, really|'    — Time to think
  — Cheap holiday|    You know, I'm going to give Gary the point on that
    'It was a very simple thing|' [DING]    Urgh
 Yeah| Yes it is
    Oh, I like her| Her answers to questions are good
    I assume she was allowed books|    Yes
    Well, the books that she took in|    And a guitar
    Oh God|    I knew there'd be a guitar
    That's a fair point, though| You are going to Mars,    there's what, five, six of you or something?
    You're getting on there, you strap yourself into the capsule|    There's going to be that one dickhole,    just playing 'Smoke On The Water' over and over again,  [Laughter]    — on a s***ty twenty-quid acoustic guitar
  — [Groans]    And he's got it slung over the back of his space suit:    'Hey guys, I brought this along!|'    Oh, f***
 'Kumbaya'  for the rest of eternity|    There was a moment when I was a fresher,    that someone directly above me, in the room above me    was playing 'Smoke On The Water'  and just trying to learn it
    I just remember,  'Dun — dun — dunnn|'    After about five minutes of this, I just hear:    Door slams —  stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp
    Door opens|    Clunk!
  [Electrical buzzing]    He pulls the plug out|    Door slams — stomp, stomp
    Not a word said|    Either that or someone gets in the space capsule with a guitar,    or hauls in an accordion or something
    [Tuneless noise]    'I think we've got room for this, don't you?|'    [hums] 'Captain Pugwash!
'    A harmonica| Just one of the sunsets, lying there going,    [Western harmonica]    I love the idea that she's not down there  with some acoustic thing,    that she's got, like a two-hundred-watt Fender stack,    and a Gibson SG,    mirror hat, just rockin' out in this cave
    [à la Metallica]  'Master!| Master!
'    Yeaaaah!|    To be fair, there are astronauts on the ISS —    I mean, Chris Hadfield was one —  who took their guitar up with them
    On space musician facts, though|    Neil Armstrong took a theremin to the Moon, didn't he?
    — Did he?|!
  — Did he?|    I have *never* heard that before
    Yeah, I think he took a theremin with him|    'Screw this, guys
 It's not gonna sound spacey enough without it!|'    All: [Theremin sounds]  Woo-oo!
    Yeah, but the way you play a theremin, can you imagine?|    You're in the capsule, and Neil Armstrong's like
    Woooo-ooooo!|    That's not strictly true, but I can tell you    that we have an article here called 'Music Out of the Moon'
    A cassette tape of that was taken|    Oh
 Fair enough|    
by Neil Armstrong, to the moon,  and he played it back to them    Oh thanks, Neil| Brilliant
    Just that bloke, when you're trying to drive,    you know, really concentrate,  and someone puts their friggin' CD on|    That's him with his theremin music, innit
    'Brought this!| Woooooo!
'  |for his Moon landing moment
    All right| At the end of the show, congratulations Gary —    DAAAAH!
 YES!| YESSS!
    |you win this one
    GET IN THERE!|    So excited, his hood came off!
    I'm kind of disappointed that|    
kind of disappointed that he's not wearing a parka,    so he can sort of put it over his head like Batman|    YES!
    BOOM!|    That's what we play the game for!
    ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?|    You win a trip to the edge of the atmosphere    with the host of the '90s game show Small Talk
    Oh, really!|    It's Ronnie Corbett Low Earth Orbit
    So do enjoy that| In the meantime
    — That's been Matt Gray|  — Bye-bye!
    That's been Gary Brannan|    That's been Chris Joel
    I have been Tom Scott|  We'll see you next time
    Thanks for watching!|    Tell us if you liked it, or even better, tell someone else
    And if you want more, there are all-new episodes    of our reverse trivia podcast at techdif|co
uk|    [Translating these subtitles?
 Add your name here!|]  This is the Technical Difficulties, we're  playing 'Citation Needed'
    Joining me today, he reads books y'know, it's  Chris Joel|    I've
 still not put it together in the right order,  I'll try for the second show|    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan
    Get out o'my office!|    And standing in for Matt Gray,  the Mouth from the South, Will Seaward
    I have, indeed, eaten Matt|    In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia  and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right  is a point and a ding    and there's a prize for a particularly good  answers, which is|    And today we are talking about  the Stephens Island wren
    A person in the lady navy…|?
    This is really terrible!| The lady navy(!
)    The Lady Navy?|    Just for those who don't have their  British naval history there
 'the lady navy'?|    That was like a car at the start  of a Formula 1 race,    just stalling on the start line
    I can't remember the acronym| I get the…
    Is it just Women's Royal Navy, is that it?|  There's no E
    The Women's Royal Naval Service, the WRNS|    The WRNS, there we go
    Well, that's the 1940s isn't it?|    Because there's no such thing now
    Yes, you're absolutely right|    It was 1993, apparently, when it all got unified
    This has nothing to do with  the Stephens Island wren,    but as a cheap joke that started the show,  well done|    Yes, well done
    Is it a bird?|    S***, I should have gone for plane first,  shouldn't I?
    Is it from Stephens Island?|    How the frig is he getting points as easy  as that this time?
!|    He's new!
 Let him off|    Is there a Wikipedia article about it?
    That is the point of the show|    Genus troglodytes
    Genus troglodytes?| No
    What?|    Not this time
    I am offended|    I'm having to look this up
    The common wren is troglodytes troglodytes|  So I thought if it was a wren,    it would probably be troglodytes something-elsesius
    Alright, what we have here is Chris Joel,  ornithologist|    When I say, "Ornith", you say, "Ologist
"  Ornith!|    Ologist!
    Ornith!|    Ologist!
    No|    That's the first time that's ever been used  right though,    because usually I haven't a f***ing clue
    Well, in this case, unfortunately,  you are wrong|    The Eurasian wren is troglodytes troglodytes,    this is the Stephens Island wren,  traversia lyalli
    Does it go through French alleyways?|    Le Alley?
    Le-alley|    Will, you have slotted into Matt's seat  just perfectly
    Well, when I ate him I stole his powers!|    That's how it works
    You actually had a buzz cut didn't you,  before you went in?|    The man was clean shaven and five foot one
    The Stephens Island wren, gentlemen,  a long time ago…|    So far we've established it's a bird on  Stephens Island that's a wren, basically, haven't we?
    Yes| Well, its last refuge was Stephens Island
    Was it on the run for a horrific crime it  had committed?|    Was this its last stand?
    No, it had three other friends though and  they drove around in a black and red van    and if you needed their help,  you know, they'd save sparrows and s***|    Who would Mr T be?
    What sort of bird?|    Well, they wouldn't fly would they?
 So it'd  be like an ostrich or a penguin or something|    That was good
 I like that|    Gary, unbelievably, you have a point
    No way, no|    F*** off
 How?|    Because the Stephens Island wren is flightless  and I'm giving you a point for that!
    Has it learned not to fly since being  on Stephens Island, it being an island,    or did it get there on a raft?|    I like the idea of learning not to fly
    "Oh, s***, I've flown again!| I wish I could  forget this bollocks!
"    Well, maybe it didn't like it!| Maybe it didn't  like heights
    Yes, that's not forgetting is it?| That's proactively…
    Is there a difference though?| Between actively  forgetting and unlearning?
    "Welcome to epistemology today|"    "Today, bird dat don't fly
  He forget or did he learn it?|"    It's also known as Lyall's wren
 Why would  its last refuge be Stephens Island?|    Is it
 extinct?|    Spot on
    Okay| Was it delicious?
    Damn it!| That much faster
    Yes, but not that…| I mean this is a wren…
    Yes, but no|    It was, apparently, delicious
    There have only ever been five species of  flightless songbirds found|    What's happened to them?
    They've all been eaten|    For the Stephens Island wren in particular  by what?
    Was it eaten by pests that were introduced  by humans?|    Yes, absolutely right
 Any particular pests?|    Rats
    AUDIENCE MEMBER: Bill Oddie!|    "Bring me another plate of wrens!
  Conserve them that I may consume them…|"    Because that's what Bill Oddie sounds like  behind the scenes
    We're in trouble when the audience  have better gags than we have|    As Bill Oddie sits in the ruined wasteland  of the island    seeing the last little wren entering his lips,    he goes, "I really should have saved these
"    Yes!|    "You didn't see nothin'!
"    Not rats|    Cats!
    Yes, cats is technically correct| Could we  be a bit more specific?
    Panthers?|
    Will, I've just got this thing of being in  like a hotel room,    in a lonely kind of guest house and suddenly  from inside the cupboard,    hearing you saying that|    And it would be the most terrifying thing  I could imagine
    "Panthers?|"    A single cat from one ship's crew
    Absolutely right| A lighthouse keeper's cat  named Tibbles
    Yes, allegedly, a lighthouse keeper's cat  named Tibbles    and for a while that was the accepted wisdom,  what is more likely?|    More than one cat
!|    "Panthers?
"    Chris is closest, Chris gets a point, yes|    Yes, a large number of feral cats had come  to overrun the island
    How many living wrens were actually spotted,  ever?|    None
 They're not spotted at all,    they've got sort of  vertical striations or stripes|    Go on, just hit me
    It's not that, it's you're kind of right|    Yes!
    Olive brown plumage with edges of brown|    So I'll actually give you the stripes there
    How often were they seen by humans?|    Seconds after the entered the cat's mouth,  probably, or when the cat brought…
    Yes, there was loads left in a pile on the  door mat|    The cat's saying, "I'm friends with you",  by leaving dead bodies outside
    And when I do it, it's wrong|    Never
 They were so small, they were essentially  invisible|    I mean, I like it, but
    What you've got there, mate, are bees|    Bees, birds, and the next part of the talk  is where it gets distressing
    Only twice| The lighthouse keeper called it  almost nocturnal,    'Running around the rocks like a mouse
'    Yeah, well, you would if you were being chased  by a frigging cat!|    Yes, that was the problem
    Then the cats ate the lighthouse keepers,    then the cats took over the lighthouse and  turned off the light,    many ships were wrecked|    And eaten!
    Those crews, also, were devoured|    I mean you've got a good ghost story there
    It's complete bollocks, but you've got a great  ghost story there|    It was once widespread throughout the area
    What area is Stephens Island in?| Where are  we going to…
?|    The sea!
    I mean, technically, I'ma give you a point  for that|    Which part of the world…
?| This is 1870s…
    New England|    No
    Nova Scotia?|    I mean, you
    Can you make anything not sound kinky?|    You've said, "New
" You've said, "Nova|"  New is correct
    Zealand|    Yes, there we go, have a point
    Prehistorically, it was all through New Zealand,    then the land was settled|  Its bones can be found where?
    Cat poo|    Yes, that's true, half of that's right
    I love the way you lead me on like a primary  school teacher with the thick student,    "You're right| Are there any other answers  in the class?
"    Deposits left by laughing owls|    Wonderful!
    Was that an impression or a reaction?|    It's the thought of this darkly humoured owl  in a tree,    watching all these wrens getting eaten and  going, "Ha-ha, losers!
"    What happened to the laughing owl?|    Did they get eaten next?
    Yes, they did|    Not laughing now, are we?
    I was actually going to move on to other extinct  birds of New Zealand|    Well, there's the Moa,    there's that really fecking big eagle that's  the biggest one that ever lived,    starts with a H
    Augh, can't remember|    "New Zealand fecking big eagle"
    Big feck-off| come on, come on
    Haast's eagle|    Yes!
    The wonders of technology|    That's a terrifying thought that technology  might be optimised to how I think
    The rest of you are screwed|    Talking about introducing pests
    Hello|    There have been many, many attempts to deal  with pests,    particularly Australia and New Zealand
    They're not pests, they're legitimate countries|    We had words about this before
    Yes, what can you tell me about  the rabbit-proof fence?|    It wasn't rabbit-proof!
    Because they went under it|    Yes
 It turns out that building a fence was  not a great way to stop rabbits|    Did they get in
 in the hats of magicians?|    Tries to pull out flags of all nations
  Just loads of rabbits tied together|    With the flags of all nations to be fair
    It's actually the rabbits of all nations|    Heavily tattooed
    Yes| What can you tell me about  the Cobra Effect?
    And the phrasing here is,    'It illustrates the causes of incorrect stimulation  in the economy|'    Eh, kids?
    Is it to do with sales of Viagra?|    They introduce cobras,  but they're all dead-straight now
    Flinging them like javelins| Come on!
    How you do it is your own business|    Where might this have been?
    India?|    Yes, despite the phrasing,  you are absolutely right
    This was British Colonial India and they were  concerned about venomous snakes, cobras|    What did they try to do to solve  the snake problem?
    Did they bribe them?|    Yes, set up an elaborate passport service    that meant they couldn't move  from place to place
    You know, that thing where, "Oh, he's got it|  He's got it
 He's got it| No
"    To be fair, "he's got it" was "did they"|    And then "he's not" was
 bribe?|!
    Did they bribe the snake charmers?|    People to catch them
    And then they wouldn't get rid of them all,    because if they got rid of them all, they  wouldn't have an income    so they bred snakes to make sure  they still had a…|    Amazing!
    I know that because that was a common thing,  16th-17th century|    You have accounts of what they do in parishes    and they have similar problems with beavers
    You would bring the tails to show that you  caught the pests that you had|    You also had beadles  that would get rid of dogs,    things like that out of churches
    But there were rumours that they would be,  potentially, breeding animals    to make sure that they were still getting  paid for this little bit of income|    So it was a similar thing
    Yes| They offered a bounty for every  dead cobra, which worked
    Then people started breeding cobras, so they  scrapped the bounty programme|    What happened?
    Lots of snakes|    I mean, yes, everyone released the cobras,    because they were now worthless, so they just
    Yes| When they did it, did they use the…
    Actually, this needs your voice to say this  doesn't it?|    Yes, "Release the cobras," surely?
    "Release the cobras|"    That is good
    Good lord, I'm involuntarily  picking my feet up off the floor here|    "Panthers?
"    No, that's clearly a Disney panther though,    that is going to be smoking a pipe and asking  insightful questions,    a panther introduced in that tone|    I can never go to the cinema
!|    That's different reasons though, to do with  chucking the cobras
    I'm just going to go, "Panthers?|"    So to drag this back, to drag this back,    a long, long way to the Stephens Island wren
    Oh, Jesus, yes|    Oh, Christ
    There were some fights over the specimens,  because…|    Between the cats, obviously,  'cos they were hungry
    The thing is you're actually right,    because almost all the specimens now extant  were brought in by cats|    Oh, as presents?
    As presents for the lighthouse keeper,  you're absolutely right|    Although, they're not presents
  They're sort of a mark of pity|    Yes, it's that kind of,  "Look, that's how you do it", isn't it?
    It's the kind of thing they're showing you|    It's like when they s*** on the floor, it's  to show they're angry
    It's true| That's what happened when you came  to my house
    What?| You s*** on the floor  because you were angry he was there
?|    "Out, Scott!
"    Do you remember?|  He once stayed over at my house
    I did| God, that was before  your stag-do wasn't it?
    Yeah| You stayed over at my house and I just  heard this immortal phrase,    "Gary?
 The cat's s*** on the floor|"    I have no memory of this at all
    That happened| It's the only time she's ever  done it with another person in the house
    Normally, we get it after a weekend away or  something,    a day or so later she'll just go and lay one  on the floor to say,    "Damn it, you've been away and this is how  angry I am,    "I'm going to let you see this|"    So for some reason,  she took with umbrage with you    to that degree that she did a massive dump  in protest
    And when I do it, it's wrong|    On the other hand, I know exactly how my resignation  from the show is going to go,    should it ever happen
    So, yes, what happened to most of the specimens?|  Where did they end up?
    Museums!|    Yes, absolutely right
 What happened to most  of the cats?|    Mew-seums
    Shot, sadly| But there was a…
    Oh, I like this one when it ends on dead cats|  It's always good fun isn't it?
    And that's the end of the show!|    It's not ending on that
  There was a recommendation sent out|    What should lighthouse keepers not do?
    Have cats to shoot in the first place!|    Yes
 It was recommend that  they not introduce pests|    So the last question, who was Lyall?
    Who were they named after?|  Lyall's wren, Traversia lyalli?
    Was he the lighthouse keeper?|    Yes, he was!
    Hooray!|    So at the end of the show, congratulations,  Chris, you win this one
    You win a stuffed toy inspired by the villain  from 'Nightmare on Elm Street'|    It's a Teddy Krueger
    With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel,    to Gary Brannan,    to Will Seaward|    I've been Tom Scott  and we'll see you next time
    Can I really go this time?|    Yes!
  Hi I'm Matt| And I'm Tom
  And this is a park bench    And today on the Tales of the Unexpected, gastric distress    [Matt laughs]    That's been a theme for the last few days    Yeah, we've been| Back when we started this we said ah it's gonna be more often, we're gonna do
    That has already stopped| Let's be honest, it's gonna be once or twice a week
 Uh, but the reason, uh    [Matt chuckles]    Yes, I had to cancel a bench session [Tom laughing] because I was at home    This was filming, it was actually filming in a much more warm and comfortable environment than this park bench out here    And I get a text from him, uh, immediately before| We're filming with Steven Bridges, the wonderful, wonderful magician, uh, who
    I think the video from that is going up on his channel on January    Oh cool, so he still managed to do something with it even though    Yes, yes we still| It was lovely, he completely fooled me with the six of hearts, and it was absolutely fantastic
    He gave you his heart    Uh six of them actually|    And the very next day    I signed my name on it, and he did all sorts of
    He gave it away?|    Yeah
 And then it turned up in his pocket, and basically it's a terrible Christmas song|  Merry Christmas, by the way
    Ummm| [Matt chortles]    I get a text from him, and you are normally my director of photography on these things    Uh, saying, how did you phrase it?
    Because I phrase it politely to Steven, "as Matt is in gastric distress"    [Matt chuckles] I probably said the phrase "both ends"    Yeah| [Both laugh]    Because it was accurate    This is gonna be ten minutes of poo jokes, so um
 [Both chortle]    How are you Matt?| [Matt chuckles]    A lot better than I have been [Both laugh]    Yeah
 'Cos you said there's like a sense of inevitability about this    Yes| So you know I live in London, so I live in a shared house    Because that's a very normal way of doing things here    Or a shoe box
 Yes| You've got house mates and
    So housemate's girlfriend|    Comes down with something [Matt chuckles]    And first time in hospital?
  In her life?| Like presuming she was born there
 But after that never actually|    Some pretty good going actually
 Yeah, yeah|    And she had it pretty bad
  Yeah|    Then the next day, housemate has it
  [Tom chortles]    Um| Yeah
    It's fine, I helped them all I could    [Both chuckle]    When you're living in the house with someone and they're not feeling very well    Yup    You're breathing the same air, you're using the same facilities    It's inevitable| So I was laughing my arse off when it came the next day    When you say laughing your arse off    Sorry, I was laughing both ends off [Tom laughs] [They both laugh]    'Cos I presume that's all you can do, you prepare, you get the hydration tablets, get things like that    I made the Tesco run with supplies when I realised what was coming for both of us    So we were stocked up    I'm a little worried at this point just about being in this proximity    It's been a few days now, it's been a few days    What does the NHS say, 48 hours?
    They say 48 hours after last symptom| Yeah
 It's been more than that now| Okay    But yeah, I sympathise with, with    Because today on tales of gastric distress    The last time I got food poisoning    Only had it a couple of times in my life [Matt laughs]    Do you remember, d'you remember Lucky, yeah I'm not gonna say the name
    D'you remember the place that I refer to as food poison lottery    Yes, yes, yes, I do know that, yes    There's a lot of places in the United Kingdom that start with the word "lucky"    So I'm fairly sure I'm not slandering anyone here, 'cos they've got a great health and safety rating now    Now I've eaten, I ate there several times and had no problem with it|    You did not have the soft-shell crab    [Inhale]    I-I wake up the next day, something is clearly wrong    Uh, and then something is clearly very wrong, at speed    [Matt laughs]    But I've got a conference talk 3 days later    Oohh    Which is exactly on the border line, and this is—this is not a, this is not a YouTube gig or anything like that    This is an actual paid corporate conference gig, explaining the internet to people who don't know about the internet    Which is one of the sidelines I have    Um, and there is a contact signed for this, I have an agent for these things, which is really a
    Oooh    I don't have that for YouTube, but my agent    I'm holding a little agent here [chuckles]    My agent's wonderful, she's absolutely wonderful, she's wonderfully analogue as well    Okay    So I still get paid by cheque in the post, from her, um    Because she gets me access to all the people who don't understand the internet, who've never ever heard of me    Um, [unintelligible], it's like the contract is signed    At this point, if I have to drop out, she has to find someone to go in my place, it's gonna be complete [mess]    So I need to go and do this and it's outside London    And that is, I haven't eaten for three days at this point    And this is    Kind of the most nervous I've been giving a talk    [Matt chuckles] Because I    Was it a little hurried Tom?|    No it wasn't!
 It was absolutely fine, I might've been wearing multiple pairs of underwear just in case    [Both laughing]    Had you used up all your credit on the porcelain telephone?|    [Tom chortles]    I'll tell you what [Matt chuckles] I had—I had taken the fart gamble several times    Did you?
 How were the odds?|    They were okay at that point, they were, the odds were lengthening    That isn't a casino I would like to go to    [Tom chortles]    Oh man, that's—that's yeah, there's    There's the poker room, the blackjack room, the fart gamble    Please don't call it the "poker room" because you don't want to do that to someone, just poke them [Both laughing]    Um, I made it, it was fine
 The train journey back was interesting    But I made it, it's fine, you can survive    Anyway, long story short there is gastric distress going around London at the minute    If you see Matt Gray, maybe maybe don't shake his hand    What's in your ass, Matt Gray?|    Tell me what's in your crack, you bastard
  This is the Technical Difficulties, we are playing  Citation Needed|    Carry on, Tom(!
)    Joining me today, he reads books y'know,  it’s Chris Joel|    Now available in pill form
    Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan –  Gary Brannan|    "Burn the cities
    "Salt the earth so that no-nothing may ever-y  there grow ag|"    Can I do that again,  because I really screwed that up?
    No!| And the bounciest man  on the internet, Matt Gray
    Hello, live studio audience!|    In front of me I’ve got an article from  Wikipedia, and these folks can’t see it
    Every fact they get right is a point  and a ding…|    And there's a special prize for particularly  good answers, which is…
    And today we are talking about the $100 hamburger|    Whoa!
    Tastes crap, no beef in it|    Just two bread buns
    Dollars|    “This seems like a waste!
”    The worst thing was: all ones|    Well at least there's fibre content there!
    I was thinking a single $100, which would  just look lousy|    And now, Gary Brannan’s burger opinions
    Yes|    Too many things on top: s***
    McDonald’s!|    Oh, depending on what you get, alright-    Wimpy
    Oh, by far the superior because they give  their prices in pence|    And it comes on a plate,  like a civilised person
    Wimpy comes on a plate?|    Wimpy’s, if you go into a Wimpy, and there’s  not many left, I’ll mark you,    they come on a plate,  with like a knife and fork
    Phrasing!|    They do, they do
    Is this one of things that’s been invented  by a chef as ostensibly a publicity stunt    that needs something like wagyu beef,  or something like that?|    Those do exist, I’m fairly sure there's  a $1,000,000 burger    with gold leaf or something out there,    but this is not that
    It is not actually even a hamburger|    Is it the genetically grown in a petri-dish  kind of one that they did?
    Oh no, right now that’s a lot more expensive  than this is|    Oh yes, it is, isn’t it
    It's at least, like, $200  or something like that|    If it was only £100 to grow your own burger  without a cow…
    I was going to say, it would still be cheaper  to slaughter a cow|    Is it a person from Hamburg?
    Oh!|    Or anyone with the right to vote in a township?
    - What?|  - It is a phrase
    A burger is someone who has a burgage and  therefore holds a burgage plot    and has the right to vote in a town|    - Really?
  - Thank you very much|    - There you go
  - I am learning!|    - Archivist fact
  - Fact|    A $100 hamburger is certainly about food,  but this is slang    for something you might do in general aviation
    Is this| is this Elvis?
    Oh|    You have jumped ahead in my script,  but you know what,    yes, I am going to give you the point
    Yes, this is the fool’s gold loaf that he-    Yes|    So what's a $100 hamburger then?
    Before we get into the fool’s gold-    Is it where someone rocks up and goes,    “I’m going to get a burger, and I’m  going to go in a plane to get the burger,”    and then eat the burger in the sky, and go,  “Ha, ha, ha, sky burgers|”    Yes, you know what, I'm going to give you  the point there
    It is basically an excuse  to use your plane and fly,    to keep your hours up, “I’m going to  go get a hamburger from that place|”    Wimpy!
    I would love to see you try and land a plane  at a Wimpy|    Bowling alleys
    Oh, all slippy|    Also, that would be a 10,000 pence hamburger
    Yes|    In the environs we are talking of, in York,    there is a ring road around the bowling alley
    Now if you were to do that  about one in the morning,    I reckon it would be quiet enough to get a  Cessna down there|    Yes, but the Wimpy’s not open
    S***|    Elvis
    I forget, I think he heard about it at a party,    as Elvis would, you know, in the Jungle Room|    My mum and dad went to Graceland, and I think  it can be described as ‘disappointing’
    I went there a long, long while ago-    It looks like a ’60s council planning officer’s  self-designed house|    It looks really poor from the outside
    That’s a really specific gag,  but he's right|    He is absolutely right
    It does|    But Elvis heard about this thing, and
    Is it a loaf of bread that's hollowed out,    and it's full of peanut butter, and jam, and  banana, and it's fried?|    You have missed- it’s not banana, it is  something even worse for you than
    - Jelly?|  - Banana ice-cream?
    - Bacon!|  - Oh, I forgot the bacon
    It is an entire loaf|    We are not talking like a small-    I mean, I will give you a point-    It's not, like, a little one,  it is a full loaf, hollowed out,    filled with a couple of pounds of bacon,    and peanut butter, and grape jelly
    So, jam, but like-    Oh jam|    Oh fine
    Oh yes that’s fine, yes(!|)    Well jelly is all wobbly, it'll sq
    Well  it's not a children’s treat now,  is it(?|)    Roughly how many calories does the fool’s  gold loaf…
?|    All of them
    Yes|    All right, Price is Right rules,  closest without going over
    There's not a number, there's just a letter!|    It's got an ‘about’ in here
    And bearing in mind the bread is baked with  margarine and oil    and things like that in it as well|    Ten thousand
    Ten thousand?|    I think it's about a daily allowance
    I think it is about 2,500|    Fifteen thousand
    Gary wins, it's 8,000|    Price is Right rules
    Only barely!|    I'm still giving you the point
    It is four days’ worth of food|    - Jesus wept
  - Every evening|    Because doesn’t he get everyone together,  goes to his private jet,    flies four hours or something, to wherever  this place is that makes it
    They have some waiting in an aircraft hangar  for him,    and I assume that can’t waddle out of the  aircraft hangar at this point in time|    They sit on the steps of the plane,  scoff it, and then fly home
    Where do you get this?|    I'd like to try some of it
    Ah, right|    So it was made by a restaurant called the  Colorado Mine Company in Denver, Colorado
    Which is quite a way away from  where they were-    Yes, Memphis to Colorado|    Who invents this?
    You can’t do that by mistake|    It is not like a Bakewell pudding, you know,  or anything like that
    That is genuinely someone has seen bread,  jam, bacon, peanut butter,    pfft, go for it|    Whatever happens, happens!
    That is a common American sandwich though|    Not the size, quantity though
    - Peanut butter and jelly-  - Isn’t it?|    Yes, peanut butter and jelly is a normal thing,  but the bacon's in there as well
    You are pretty much right – "taking his  private jet from Graceland,    "Presley and his friends purchased 30 of them-"    Whoa|    You can’t open a window on that plane
    That's a long four hour flight|    They didn’t turn the engines on though,  they just sat in the back and waited
    Yes, they never left the airport, they invited  the pilots to join them as well|    Ha, I think the pilots would be well advised  to lock the doors(!
)    There is also something called the  ‘Elvis Sandwich’,    and you got some of the ingredients  of this earlier|    This is a
    I have had one|    Or something that claims to be one, in a  burger place vaguely near here
    And it was a lot of food|    Does it start with a slice of Elvis?
    'Cos the one I’ve had was banana, peanut  butter, bacon and-    That’s it, you have got the ingredients|    You are absolutely right
    Peanut butter, bacon and banana|    Oh, so that’s not as bad as it could be, then?
    Well, no, but erm-    If you are ordering one,  don’t order the chips|    You don’t need them
    Don’t order bacon chips either, because  you really don’t need them(!|)    In a sandwich that pretty much killed Elvis?
    They've thought: how could we make this more  deadly|    Again, I am going to give you a point
    It's "the sandwich that killed Elvis"|    Yeah
    Well not specifically one|    The many sandwiches that killed Elvis
    No, no, there was just one|    It was at the back of the theatre that night
    Just waiting|    Elvis was known for a ludicrous  calorie intake
    Oh, I thought he was famous for singing?|    I was going to say!
    I mean, he was famous for many things|    They just found it afterwards
  Oh, he can sing(!|)    He could hold a tune(!
)    I don’t think that the massive calorie intake  got him that Vegas residency, Tom|    I don’t know
    Hoovering up the ‘all you can eat’ buffet,  what’s left?|    Oh don’t, I
    All he can eat, yes!|    Last time I went to- it's a shaming story  but I'm going to share it with the world,    because this needs to be out there
    Last time I went to an  all you can eat buffet, right-    Oh boy|    I had a few beforehand
    I mean, there's a picture of like a big jug  of lager appearing on the table|    And it's one of these world buffets
    It's underground, there’s no windows, you  can go in there and not be judged, and just    eat whatever|    You want a Yorkshire pudding with custard  and chicken tikka in it?
    Gonna do it, right|    Can happen
    I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t|    They were on separate plates, that's fine
    They didn’t have any custard, they had to  use Pepto-Bismol|    But there was one point later on
    They have an ice cream section,    and this was later in the evening, and I wanted  some ice cream, right?|    And I manhandled the lid open
    Only afterwards I realised it should be opened  by a staff member, but you know, whatever|    "Mine
    Ice cream|    Grrr!
"    Are you doing the thing where you take a plate,    and then you leave the plate  and take the tray?|    Well, that's
 yeah!|    There was a point where I saw this lovely  yellow sphere there,    and I was like, that’s a lovely looking  ball of lemon sorbet
    It’s got a little bit of chocolate on it,  that’s exactly what I fancy right now|    Popped it on my plate, and I was chased by  someone    because I had picked up a  plastic ball pool ball    that had chocolate on it as decoration
    Stuff that looks like food near an  all-you-can-eat buffet is a recipe for disaster|    Well, that was my argument!
    Ha, ha, hey!|    Thanks Matt, no-one else liked it
    I'm the only one that liked that,  aren’t I?|    There is a reference: increasing fuel prices  mean that a Cessna    now costs about  $95-130 per Hobbs hour to rent
    What is a Hobbs hour?|    It's got an imaginary tiger in it
    Sadly, no E, but it would be good|    Oh, screw that then
    Flying hours?|    Or is it the time you are in the air, or something  like that?
    The time you are off the tarmac, as opposed  to fannying around getting on the runway?|    Yes
 What might you measure that with?|    Hobnobs
    A big tape measure|?
    For time?|    Don’t judge me, it is the way it’s always  worked for me
    You should see his watch|    “It’s 37 inches this afternoon
”    Chronometer?|    Yes, what's the chronometer called?
    Geoff|    Swing and a miss
    The clue is in the question|    The Hobbs Chronometer!
    Yes|    It is a Hobbs meter
    It is a-    “Yes, I have got seven Hobbs|”    It is a meter that measures hours in the air,    but how do you measure that?
    How do you rent an aircraft and work out the  time it has been flying for?|    Is it triggered by when the wheels go up?
    If you are renting the plane, you want your  Hobbs Meter    to not run for as long as possible,    because while it is running, then you're paying|    So what system are they using to make sure  that people don’t cheat it?
    Airspeed meter that only comes in above the  stall speed?|    Yes, you are absolutely right
    And in fact, I am going to give you a point  for landing gear as well|    A pressure switch attached to landing gear,    or an air speed sensing vane under a wing
    Either way, you make sure it is up|    Does that mean they do a lot of stalling to  get some free hours out of it?
    Oh my God!|    Stall all the way down, and then fly back  up again
    This is one of the things, it used to be how  long the electrical system was on|    How did people get around that?
    Were they gliding to land?|    More than that
    Just doing long glides?|    Just not turning the electrics on?
    How?|    Yes, absolutely right
    Flying with the electrics off|    Oh, boy!
    Get up in the air, get going – because once  you have started,    you don’t need the electrics|    Turn them off
    Oh, because it's an| engine
    Yes, spend 20 minutes with no radar or-    No cigarette lighter|    No radio
    Ahh|    And no radio
    Your phone's got a battery, so it'll keep  playing the music, it'll be fine|    But you keep getting those notifications from  Spotify, and the next time
    |I'm in a mountain!
    Yes|    There is also Tach Time
    Tachometer?|    Yes, have a point
    What's that measuring?|    Distance
    Tachometer|    Like in a lorry
    Not in this case|    Not for a plane
    Because plane not on motorway!|    - Very good, Gary!
  - Unless something has gone very, very wrong|    Or unless you want to rock up outside  York Megabowl one morning!
    Good point there|    You won’t be laughing when I do that  in a 737
    I will!|    At which point we smash-cut to five days later  and York local news,    ‘Man Lands 737 at York Megabowl’
    “They said I couldn’t do it!|”    It is the speed that the engine is rotating
    Oh, is it the amount of rotations of the propeller,  or whatever?|    Yes
    So if it, if it is designed to run at 2400rpm,    you can reduce your tach time  by making the aircraft    go a bit slower and a bit safer|    So if you've been out for, say, 20 minutes  on your normal timer,    and then your tach time says you have been  out for three hours’ worth,    they know you have been bombing around going…
    I am not entirely certain that's the noise  that a little Cessna makes,    as opposed to a Spitfire|    It is when he's making that noise in it!
    I tell you what,  I have been on a plane with you|    He just does that constantly
    With the flying helmet and the mask|    Yes, you get funny looks at Stansted  when he's-    As you are walking past the queue to get on,  shouting “I’m the driver!
”?|    Driver
 Yes|    Which, to be fair, when you're going down  a motorway    outside York Megabowl at one in the morning-    At the end of the show-    Congratulations Gary, you win this one
    Whay!|    You win a visit-    I can’t believe you're cringing and you  wrote it
    You win a visit to a late night  electrically-boosted bathing spray,    run by a member of boy band Another Level|    It is Dane Bowers After Hours Power Showers-    F***!
    You try writing a description for ‘shower’  that doesn’t include the word ‘shower’|    Bathing spray!
    With that we say thank you to Chris Joel|    Bye, everybody
    To Gary Brannan|    To Matt Gray
    I've been Tom Scott, we'll see you next time|  Today's show is sponsored by  Simon Cowell's Owl Towels!
    Made with real owls|    This is the Technical Difficulties
  We're playing Citation Needed|    I have an almost randomly selected article    from everybody's favorite  reliable source of knowledge, Wikipedia,    and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    And there's a special prize  for particularly good answers, which is:    Oh my!|    And today we are talking about
  The Arctic Winter Games|    Oh ho ho ho *ho* ho!
    What the hell was that?|    That's one of the events
    Yeah!|    Best chuckle
    In a cold environment|    It's probably gonna be pretty parky out,    so I'd imagine your outdoor events  would be pretty quick, really
    You need a hearty chuckle to warm you up|    You would; a hearty, belly chuckle
    Who's he?|    He's the Chuckle Brother!
    You're right, though, it is very cold|    Do you know where it's being hosted this year?
    — Errr| the Arctic
  — The Arctic|    GARY: You made this mistake
  CHRIS: Twice in as many shows|    It's actually not in the Arctic this year
    Well, that's a load of balls then!|    Is it in the Antarctic?
    No|    Oh
 Are we talking, it's not in the Arctic  but on some kind of technicality, the nearest place?|    It's just below the Arctic
    GARY: Yeaaah, right|    Is that the old name for the Winter Olympics,  and is it in Sochi?
    — No, it's not|  — Okay
    — No, not at all|  — Oh, good shout though
 Good shout|    Svalbard!
    These are entirely different games|    What could be so different that you can't do
?|    I imagine this is crazy stuff  like hollowing out your own canoe
    We'll get to games in a minute|  First, where is it?
    Tromsø?| Alaska?
    CHRIS: Greenland?|  TOM: Fairbanks, Alaska
 Point to you| [DING]    Oookay
    And you asked who was going to be involved in this|    Well, the catch here is that it's not for the world, it's for
    |Inuit and other indigenous peoples only
    Point| It's for all the cultures around the Arctic
 [DING]    Ahh|    Can someone tell me any of the contingents,    rather than countries,  that are coming from all around the world
?|    So the people that live in Greenland, and all the
    Yeah| Greenland is a contingent, yep
 Point| [DING]    And Canada?
    Northwest Territories, yep, another point| [DING]    Finland, Lapland?
    — The Sami people|  — Yes
 Finland|    — So the general area up there, yeah
 [DING]  — Yes|    The Yukon's coming up from Canada
    The Yamalo-Nenets from Russia|    MATT: That is a lovely word
  CHRIS: Cool|    It is
 I say, it's|    It's like I'm saying,  'Oh yes, the Wiltshire Yamalo-Nenets
'    'I know them| didn't they own most of Cheshire?
'    This from the Yamalo-Nenets Autonomous Okrug|    Okr
 aw, you can't have 'Yamalo-Nenets'  and then tip it off with 'Okrug' on the end|    I've got an ok-rug in my hall
    [Laughter]    So, we may as well get to this, then:    What kind of events are being played  at the Arctic Winter Games?|    That aren't — I mean, there's the obvious ones, yes
    There's alpine skiing, and there's figure skating,    there's ice hockey and the games to do with that|    What are the ones you wouldn't find at the Olympics?
    So is it speed snow structure building?|  Out of snow bricks?
    Speed-gloo!|    Ooh
 It's a good idea, but no|    Iditarod?
 Dog sled racing?|    Yes!
 Dog mushing| [DING]    Erm
 snowmobile racing|    Ohh!
    Ooh| Now that'd be lovely
  There is no mechanically assisted ones in here|    There's biathlon, in which you have  a gun to mechanically assist
    Is there a Flintstones-style snowmobile?|  [Laughter]    That's called alpine skiing,  and I'm giving you a point for it
 [DING]    That'd be great, though|  Snowmobile racing would look brilliant
    Well, X Games, they do it, don't they?| Winter X Games?
    Yeah| There are a couple you wouldn't expect in here,    which are very much more
    Elementary rocketry|    
indoor sport|    Squash
    — Erm| close
  — Yes|    — Badminton
  — Point!| [DING] Thank you
    What!| F*** off!
  I say 'elementary rocketry' — not right|    — He says 'badminton'
  — Yup|    At least that's a sport!
  [Laughter]    CHRIS: True, that's true|  GARY: Are you telling me rocketry is not a sport?
    It's not in the X Games yet|    Eh, it should be
    I don't know if they have, like,  a Double X Games, for the|    — Or Triple X Games, I was just thinking that
  — Triple X Games!|    Now that I would pay to see
    MATT: You'd probably have to pay|  GARY: You probably would have to, yes!
    In fact, I'm fairly certain,  should any of our viewers Google that,    you will in fact be able to pay to see that|    Now, there's one here  which you're never going to get the name of,    which is called 'Dene Games', D-E-N-E
    I may be pronouncing that wrong; it may be Dené|  [NB: It is
]    And there is no reference to this anywhere on Wikipedia,    so before we started, I went out  and had a look at what these are|    And these are traditional forms of competition  of the Northern cultures
    Okay|    Do you want to guess what they are?
    Because they are interesting, to say the least|    Are they sports?
    Is this where you end up with  weird things like toe-wrestling and|    Oh!
 You know, you're pretty damn close|    — Yeah
  — It's that kind of thing|    Thumb wars, that kind of thing
    So I'm going to give you the names,    if you can tell me what this involves|    Stick Pull
    Is that where you try|    Oh
 two guys holding a greased stick, isn't it?|    Something like that, pulling against each other?
    It's not greased, but yeah|  It's the one who ends up with the stick wins,    Or the one who drags  the other person's hand past them
    Oh, all right, okay|    Yeah, because I've seen that
 I think they do that  up on one of the northern Scottish isles as well|    Oh, right
    Because that culture feeds in  from Nordic and things as well|    — Yes, it will, yeah
  — So I think I've seen that one|    How about Finger Pull?
    Pull my finger!|    Well, you could — I mean
    You know what?| Point
 [DING]    Is it who pulls the finger and farts loudest?|  Seriously, tell me
    — No| No it's not
  — Oh, come on|    Is it like a game of peanuts?
    Have you each got hold of  the other person's one finger and|    — Yep
  — First one to scream out loses?|    It's not first one to scream out
  I'm giving you the point| [DING]    It's the first one to —  well, they take turns defensive and offensive
    It's the first person to straighten the other person's finger|    — Ohhh!
  — Ohhh!|    And according to the thing I'm looking at,  they have buckets of ice water on hand
    There is a judge who's making sure  you're not doing jerking motions    that will dislocate something, but other than that|    CHRIS: It's a smooth sort of
  TOM: Yeah|    Woooh
    That sounds quite painful, actually|    It almost
 well, right, I'll, er|  I'll happily try
    — Everybody| it's live Finger Pull
  — Do you want to make sure we're in shot here?|    Hang on, we need to commentate
    Hold on| Right, let me see how this goes
    I can't even see because of|!
    I think| I wrap my finger round like that
    — Tom Scott, wrapping his|  — (There we go
 And now I have to try|)    — Tom Scott is going for an offensive
  — (Ugh!|)    — Who's offensive, who's defensive?
  — I'm offensive!|    GARY: Tom Scott is offensive
 We all knew this anyway|  CHRIS: I do find him offensive
    Erm, he's pulling very hard on Matt Gray's finger|    That's actually surprisingly difficult
    — Let's try it the other way|  — Okay, yeah
 Go|    Okay, and Matt Gray now offensive
    — Aagh!|  — Ah!
 Well, that lasted|    Okay!
 Matt is better at this game than I am|  [Laughter]    Quite easy, really
    Does anyone want to make a comment  about the strength of Matt Gray's right hand?|    Anyone?
    Not me, at the moment|  [Laughter]    
sit here and be a little bit  disappointed in myself|    Well, everybody
  Matt, we've found where you're going next|    It's the Ice Games for you
    As Britain's representative in the Finger Pull|    [Laughter]    Can you imagine,  you're the country's champion finger-puller?
    How many fetes and stuff are you ever gonna open?|    Pull my finger?
  [Laughter]    Oh, that's a sponsorship, if ever there was one|    Erm
 Pole Push|    — Do you push a pole?
  — Is it where you push a pole?|    You do, but I'm going to need more than that
    Have you got two teams  trying to hold it up or something?|    — I'm going to give you the point there, Gary
  — Oh, wow, okay|    It's basically reverse tug-of-war
 [DING]    — In that, rather than trying to pull the team past|  — Okay yeah, you're trying to drive the other team
    You're trying to drive the other team past|    A back marker rather than a centre marker
    I like the idea of people who play these games    going to see a tug-of-war contest  and yelling that 'You're doing it wrong!|'    'Wrong way, you fools!
'    There are two more in this category|    One is Hand Games
    And this is the simplest damn thing,    and I can play it right now if there is,  er, something around here| here we go
    We can literally play Hand Games right now|    Tom's opened his wallet
 Bloody hell|    TOM: Which hand?
  MATT: Right hand|  GARY: Left
    Therefore, one of us wins|    Matt Gray wins!
 Point| [DING]    Seriously?
  [Laughter]    That is the Hand Games|    And there are all sorts of regulations  on what you can and cannot do as a distraction
    Like have a live fish in your hand when you open it|    — Yeah
  — Magic|    I want to see that in a stadium  of eighty thousand people
    Yeah!|    All I'm seeing is a slightly more interesting  version of watching Derren Brown
    Aw, he'd be banned outright, wouldn't he,  the wizard| The sorcerer
    He'd have in one hand, no coin,  and in the other hand,    a coin that then disappears  and reappears in the other|    Magicians
    The last one is the wonderfully titled Snow Snake|    Heh heh, right
    That's not a cock joke, Gary|    Oh, I think you'll find it is
  [Laughter]    Please tell me it's a spitting cobra covered in snow|    No
    Crawl as far as you can in the snow, on your belly|    You're not crawling, yourself
    — No, I'm not| I'm sat in a chair
  — Your wife|    Drag someone through the snow,  make it look like they're crawling
    No, you're definitely|  You're getting an object to move through the snow
    A snake|    — No
  — A rock|    Stick?
    Cocktail stick|    I'm going to let you have 'stick'
 Spear| [DING]
    Oh, all right| Okay, yeah
    Er, so you've got|    Do you glide it along the ground?
    Underhand spear slide sort of affair|    And a point for underhand
 [DING]    — Ah!|  — Exactly right
 That is Snow Snake|    GARY: Well, it couldn't be overarm, could it
  MATT: It's like long curling|    That's spearing
    Thunk!| 'Oh, no
'    You have an icy surface,  and you see how far you can send your spear|    Cool!
    There is another set of games|    So you have the Arctic Winter Games,  you have the Winter Olympics,    and then you also have  the World Eskimo Indian Olympics, WEIO
    which is held in July or August|    Ah?
    Which is 'games rooted in ancestral  hunting and survival techniques'|    Does anyone want to take a guess  on a couple of the events that are
    Laugh at Bear Grylls|    Real Life Canoe Battleship
    — Wait, what?|  — 'F-3!
'    Yeah!| Lob a rock
    Just a big tarpaulin hung over the middle,  with a little, I dunno|    a little ice pool or something,  and bunging rocks over the side, yeah
    — Are either of us right?|  — No!
    Not even close|    There is a game called Drop The Bomb
    Is that where you go s*** in someone's front yard?|    Because on ice, you would need the grip and everything    to be able to get away with that, wouldn't you
  [Laughter]    Not leaving footprints and stuff that can be traced|    Er, Drop the Bomb
  No, it's, erm|    A person kind of lying face down,  arms outstretched as a cross
    — Right|  — Three spotters position them,    Participant tightens all their muscles,  the spotters lift the body
    and have to carry them as far as possible  before their arms sag    and they can't hold themselves in that position any more|    MATT: Ah
 I think we did that at school|  GARY: We are trying this *now*
    We also have the Ear Pull|    Does anyone want to take a guess how that works?
    Er, that's|!
    Is it something a bit like that?|    It is, isn't it?
    |point
 [DING]    Not strictly| There are two people  sitting down facing each other,    with twine looped around each other's ears
    GARY: Ooo|  CHRIS: Oh yeah, I've seen this one as well, actually
    MATT: Yes, I've seen that|  CHRIS: Yeah and you pull away like that
    TOM: Yeah|  CHRIS: Yeah, I've seen this one on the telly as well
    How's it work then?| So
    It's just a loop of string that  hooks round the back of your ears,    and you just pull away|    And it says here, it is 'stamina to pain'
    — Yeah|  — Yeah
    That is all it is| It's an endurance competition  rather than speed or agility
    You see, and they all laughed  when you got that dodgy Sky subscription    to the Indigenous Peoples' Satellite Network|    I don't know how I've seen all these things!
  But several of them I've seen, yeah|    You just — at one point, have you got  a 'lost week' or something?
    More than one|  [Laughter]    Now the photograph's going to come up  of you competing in the events
    I don't remember any of this!|  I've got all these medals, though
    'He is from the South|  He is known as Joel of the Sun
'    Put this on late at night,  around about half eleven, post-pub|    Just after the pubs have
    We would all enjoy watching men trying to pull each other's ears off|    See, that's what they could do on BBC Three
    Yeah!| Just toe wrestling and gut barging    and stuff like that as well, give it a proper international
    Cheese rolling once a year|    I don't get that
    What, cheese rolling?|    It's just running downhill, innit?
    It just — well, it's downhill|    With a cheese that can kill you
    It's more so rag-dolling down a hill|    
with a cheese that can kill you|    As long as there's an already dubbed-on 'boing!
'  for every time someone hits the floor|    I've got 'Too Much Cheese Can Kill You'  going round my head
    CHRIS: Too much|!
 [Laughs]    GARY: [singing] '|cheese can kill you!
'    'If you can't make up your mind|'    [Laughter]    'Torn between the Edam  and the Gouda you left behind
'    — Yes!|  — Heyyy!
    'You're heading for disaster  'cos you didn't see the rind|'    — Ohhh
  — Yes!|    'Too much cheese will kill you
'    ALL: '|every time
'    On that note|  You know, I keep doing this, but
    Gary, congratulations, you win the show!|  [Laughter and applause]    — You've won the Freedom of the City
  — Ah!|    No, sorry, you've won the Free Dom of the City
  So do enjoy him|    Ohh
    Yes, sir|    — Until then, that's been Matt Gray
  — Bye-bye!|    That's been Gary Brannan
    That's been Chris Joel|    I've been Tom Scott, and we'll see you next time!
    That was our season finale| Thanks for watching!
    If you've liked the series, then do let us know|    Or better yet, point your friends our way
    We should be back some time in early autumn  with another run of shows    But until then, there are more than thirty audio episodes    of our reverse trivia podcast at techdif|co
uk|    See you soon
  Today's show is sponsored by  Roger Daltrey's Discount Poultry:    It's not fit for human consumption|    [Laughter]  [Chicken sounds]    This is The Technical Difficulties
  We're playing Citation Needed|    I have an almost randomly selected article    from everybody's favourite, reliable  source of knowledge, Wikipedia,    and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right gets a point and a ding, [DING]    and there's a prize for particularly good answers, which is:    — Oh yeah!|  — Oh yeah!
    I've got a button|    Yeah, thing is, when you whacked that,  behind you, three chickens just shot in the air,    [Chicken noise]  firing feathers off
    [Chicken noises]    Well, if it's discount poultry,  there's only so many things you can do with it|    Irate pissed off prog rock member
    [Laughter]    "Stay away from my chicken farm!|"    "Who are you?
 Who ARE you?|"    YES!
!| We've started!
    (Oh dear|)    He does actually have a salmon farm though,  doesn't he?
    — Yeah, he does|  — That's what he retired to do
    Wait, really?|    Yeah, he retired to farm salmon
    Was it salmon or trout, er| Was it a fish?
    Oh yeah, fish| Might be trout
    Sorry, are we arguing about the kind of fish    that the member of The Who  is currently engaged in farming?|    Yeah
 Somewhere down the line,  Roger Daltrey is just a fish farmer, now|    Do you, what do you think?
 Like, when you have fish,    you give them play things, like a castle or something|    Do you think they've got a Rolls-Royce in there?
    That's a Keith Moon gag, everyone!|    Yeah, it's okay, I was gonna help there
    Oh, it'd be brilliant if he was a proper sort of  rock star style fish farmer,    Instead of, you know, some square lake in a field,    proper glass-sided house or some mansion house|    Gary: Oh yeah!
    Just sealed at the windows|    People walking past  with trout banging up against the glass
    And the fish have got a gigantic people tank|    That sounds amazing!
    I change the air all the time|  feed them bacon bits
    I've given them a castle to live in and walk out of,    and a giant skull that spits water at 'em|    I wanna be in a people tank
    — You are, Matt|  — Join the army
    You are, Matt| You already are
    Oh, yeah, it's a house|    I've never thought of that
    Yeah, houses are people tanks, you're right|    All we need is some fish outside looking in
    We can sort that out|    I was gonna say, I can do some compositing work  on this camera shot if it helps
    Excellent, excellent|    That has to happen
    No, I just want fish to walk past:  Bow tie, bowler hat, kid in a pram|    You want a fish to walk past
?|    There's no water out there, is there, dickhead?
!|    Someone will have to lob it, and it'll just slide
    Doonk!|    Somebody offshot just hoying fish past the glass
    What did we do to piss off Grimsby?|    Well
    Where do you start, yeah?|    Do you want to get to the game at some point?
    — Yeah|  — Yeah, f***
 Yeah|    Instead of talking about Roger Daltrey's fish farm
    Just get Roger Daltrey up on the 'Pedia|'    Our topic today is The Big Lobster
    | which I swear I picked before we went off  on the Roger Daltrey fish farm thing
    The Big Lobster|    Actually sounds like a New Orleans  gangland boss's name, doesn't it?
    Whereas I was going for a restaurant|    Maybe the two are the same?
    New Orleans gangland-themed restaurant|    No, not themed, it's a front
    It's a front obviously, for the gigantic man-sized lobster  that lives within!|    Aha, now
    You're looking a bit bigger than man-size here|    Bigger than
?| A lobster bigger than a man?
    Yep|    A lobster the size of a bear!
    We'd have known about this|  It would have walked over Tokyo by now
    It did, they just cleaned up after it|    I just got the thought of the actual film version of the bloke dressed as the Giant Lobster
    [Roaring]    Everybody is giving it that!|    All these lobsters comin' in here, givin' it that
    [Laughter]  Hey!|    Ladies and gentlemen: may I congratulate us    on the first visual gag of the Technical Difficulties?
    First ever visual gag!| Chin chin!
    Okay, so it may not be an actual, "alive" lobster|    Oh, f***ing really?
 You reckon?|    Is this one of these American things    where some state's got an enormous glass fibre one    to celebrate that fact there was once one there?
    Oooh, you're right|  It's not Aus
 it's not America, I mean|    — Is it in fact Australia?
  — Australia?|    I might just have given away that with the
  Competent hosting, here|    Is it in the Tyrol of Austria?
    [Laughter]  Austria!|    Just on the side of a mountain
    "Why have you got this lobster?|"    "We stole it from Australia
"    That's the worst accent ever; that's not from anywhere!|    "He teaches them the folly of their ways, Hansel
"    "From it, from its claws|"    "I say this lobster is a lesson!
  A lesson to the whole world!|"    "From its claws will come fondue!
"    Do you want any more Austrian stereotypes?|    Do you want like a cuckoo clock?
    — Yes|  — Yes!
    — |out of its mouth
or?|  — Yes!
    — That'd be great!|  — Okay
    I just like the idea of a lobster doing a sort of "Alien" deal,  just like a cuckoo clock|    Can you imagine Alien with a cuckoo clock?
    Dramatic music, slime dripping down|    ALL: Cuckoo!
 Cuckoo!|    
just the tension before that scene,    as it's coming closer and closer and closer|    [Growling]    Cuckoo!
 Cuckoo!|    "Three o'clock, everybody
"    |and then he just hands over this note saying:    "Mr
 Jones, you are late for your 2:30 appointment|"    "Thank you, Miss Smith!
"    Sorry, have we got an alien, cuckoo-clock-bearing Siri?|    Is that what we're talking about?
    Steampunk Siri|    No, sorry
 Steampunk Siri is a butler|    "I'm sorry, I couldn't send that telegram just now
    "I'll try again later|"    Completely forgets about it
    "Siri, would you fetch me some tea?|"    "I don't understand what you mean
    "Would you like me to call Tim?|"    "No, no
 Fetch me some tea!|"    To activate him you just press his crotch
    [Laughter]    "Ooh!| Yes, sir
 Very good, sir|"    "Can I help you, sir?
"    Keeps going off in your pocket a lot|    [Laughter and groans]    Actually, now I've got the thought of a butler walking up:    [Siri noise]  Dee-deet!
    "Doo-doot!|"  And walk off
    You can get different voices for it|  You just swap out the butler
    No, it's got a generic man and a generic woman  that you can just put|    If you go outside the city, he just stops working
    Tell me about it, yeah|  [Laughter]    — Er, the Big Lobster
  — The Giant — the Big Lobster, everybody|    Does anyone want to take a guess  at what it's nicknamed?
    Big Red|    It's got a name
    Rudy!|    — Lobby
  — Lobby McLob-lob|    Lobby is a lot closer than Rudy
    We're looking for a name that starts with L|    — Are we talking about
  — Larry|    Larry the Lobster!
 Spot on| Point!
  [DING]    Ahh, well done, sir| I was going to say,    if it's Australian, I'm going to go for LOBBO!
  Or something like that|    [Australian accent]  "Castlemaine XXXX brings you
"    ALL: LOBBO!|  [Laughter]    "The fast bowling giant lobster!
"    [Laughter]    "Queensland, you're for it!|"    It's actually in South Australia,  so that's pretty accurate, really
    It's just the thought of him getting hotter and hotter,    going from blue to red|    I thought you said *you'd* been  getting hotter and hotter then
    I thought we were going to get a police box striptease|    [Hums blues riff]  I'm bigger inside than outside!
    ALL: Heyyy!|    Okay, so we're looking at an eighteen-metre-high
    — High?|!
  — |four-tonne lobster here
    Is it standing on its tail?|    So Brannan was surprisingly close with his first guess
    Yeah!| Yeah, I mean, that's one hell of a lobster roll
    And I'm actually giving you a point  for standing on its head| [DING]    It was meant to rear up over the structure
    Horse style?| It's a horsey lobster?
    What stopped it doing that?| Yeah
    What stopped it from being built|?
    The| Terrifying the townsfolk
    Or is it near an airport or something stupid like that,    so with the airport it's going to get  clipped on its big claws or something like that?|    — Planning permission
    Yes| The local council stopped it
  [Laughter]    Point!|  [DING]  Matt, you are getting all the points
    Is some local authority bloke sat there:    "Garage| garage
 extension|  giant lobster
"    [Australian accent]  "Now, we like what you've done with the giant lobster|    "We're not saying that's a bad idea
    "What we don't like is having it  rearing up over the whole township|    "I think you're going to see a lot of terrified folk there,    "We've all seen Godzilla
"    "We're all worried about, what if it goes wrong?|"    "We're known as a sunshiny country
    "What if somebody visits,  they're stood in the shadow of the lobster|    "That's it, the tourism industry, it's over
    "We're going to have to lie your lobster down, mate|"    "That said, I'd just like to raise with the council    the possibility of the shadow keeping tinnies cool
"    [Laughter]  It's this lobster outline of XXXX|    Oh dear
    There is a local legend about why it's quite so big|    Does anyone want to take a shot at what that might be?
    Because some of|  Is it a Spinal Tap thing?
    — It absolutely is|  [DING]  — Hahey!
    Not *quite* that much|    They apparently had the measurements in feet,  and then read them in metres
    — Ohhh!|  — Okay, not a factor of ten then
    — No|  — Brilliant
 Someone just brings it in on a big lorry:    "Oh, s***, mate, how big did you want it?|"    Did no one — ah, bollocks
  Did no one ring up and go,    "Someone wants a hundred-metre lobster?|  Seems legit
"    "There'll be no baths for the rest of northwest Australia    "|till we've got the fibreglass on this s***!
"    [Laughter]    Point!| It's fibreglass and steel
  [DING]    "What are we going to use it for?|"  "Strewth, I dunno
"    "Keeping tinnies cool underneath its rearing body?|"    [Laughter]    Okay, quick fire round:    Australia has an enormous amount of big things
    Dickheads —    Oho!| And ba-doomf, onto the cutting room floor it goes!
    No, that's staying in| That is definitely staying
    Sorry, Australia| Sorry, sorry
    Oh, like we hadn't alienated that audience enough  with the bad accent|    The many accents, I mean you've
    And the stereotypes|    Careful, I'm about to start slighting cricket as well, everyone
    I was just about to say|  The hell with it
 You can't play cricket|    On behalf of the Technical Difficulties team,    I would like to apologize to all Australians
    It is not our fault that you are convicts|    All right
  Does anyone want to take|    Hey, on that — we've made a point, though
    Obviously, where I work — I work in the heritage industry|    We have records relating to transportees
    My favourite reason for someone    being transported to Australia goes as thus:    It's in Ecclesfield, so just outside old Sheffield Region|    Oh, good Lord
    South Yorkshire, as represented by my good colleague|    Hello
    The guy was done for the theft of a duck| All right?
    [Laughter]  That's a good start|    It's a "three strikes and you're out" system
    A duck: inherently funny animal|    Yeah
 But if you think about  the lack of criminal detection at the time,    the duck would have to have been in a bag, quacking|    And the guy caught doing it
    [Quacking]  [Laughter]    "Put it back!|"    Next charge is also for theft of a duck
    And the third one is theft of a duck|    In the end it turns out,  it's the same man's duck three times
    In the end I think he was transported  just for being a hopeless case, quite frankly|    Which, the thought of him being on a ship
    "What did you do?|"  "I killed a man
"    "What did you do?|"  "I stole a sheep
"    "What did you do?|"  [Mumbles]    [Laughter]  "I stole the same duck three times
"    [Mumbles]  "|stole the same duck three times
"    For a point each,    do you want to take a guess at  some of the big things around Australia?|    Platypus
 Wombat| Kangaroo
    Hang on, I can only|!
 Yeah!|    Tin of beer!
    Platypus: yes|  [DING]  Tinnie: yes
  [DING]    — No, haven't got a wombat|  — Alice Springs?
    Alice Springs: Er, no, but I'm going to give you a point,    because there is a big Uluru|    I was going to say, Uluru?
    There is actually a *small* Uluru|    I was going to say, is there a tiny
    Wasn't Uluru in Star Trek?|    Yes
 The Enterprise's communications officer,    that falls in love with Spock in the new movie,    is a massive rock|    That would be a great —  in a red dress
    Yes!|    I've just got the thought of them walking along, and a
    [Rock crunching sound]    |sound of a rock just scraping along the floor behind
    Yeah| Other big things in Australia
 Barrier Reef?|    Okay, we're looking for models of things  that have been blown up
    Like, I've personally been to the Big Pineapple|    Which is a big pineapple
    — Sense of entitlement|  — Er
    Er, marlin|    — Yeah
 Yeah yeah yeah|  — Yes, point
  [DING]    Lego version of something|    Nope
    Sydney Opera House?| Is there an even bigger version somewhere?
    No!|  [Laughter]    You've got the Sydney Opera House!
    Actually| no, er
    Sydney Harbour Bridge is a bigger version  of the Monkwearmouth Bridge in Sunderland|    Yes
    I dunno| Big what?
  Are we talking big fibreglass things in Australia?|    Big fibreglass things in Australia
    Crab!|    Yes!
  [DING]  Big mud crab| In Cardwell
    Have they got a gigantic pie or something?|    I know pie and pea liquor is quite popular in Sydney
    It's the kind of thing I imagine a pie company would build|    Yup
 The Big Pie is mounted|  [Laughter]    [DING]  
above a ten-metre pole    next to the car park of a drive-through pie shop|    Get it!
    — Drive-through|  — ALL: Pie shop?
!|    We've got it wrong over here!
    Yorkshire — Australia!|    Australia, we take it all back!
  You've got a lot to teach us|    You've got a lot
 yeah!|    We want your knowledge  of gigantic drive-through pie shops!
    — I've had a|  — In fact:    I've had a drive-through hot beef sandwich
  That's the worst one I've|    You drove through a hot beef sandwich
    That's a euphemism|  I don't know what it's for, but it's a euphemism
    No, there's a cafe!| It used to be like a, I don't know
    A popular chain of takeaway restaurants,  but it was taken over by a local cafe company,    and they just started flogging  hot beef sandwiches out of the window|    You try eating a hot beef sandwich in a car!
    No!| It'll drip everywhere
    Exactly!| Hot gravy down both your arms before a meeting!
    Louisiana has drive-through daiquiri stalls|    — Like, alcoholic
  — What?|!
    Because it's legal to have the alcohol in your car,    it's not legal to drink it because it's an open container|    So they give you the, like, two pints of daiquiri,    and a straw
    Which they haven't pushed through the|    And then they sellotape over the little straw hole
  So you can't put it in|    Arseholes!
    — Impossible| Cannot defeat this
  — Absolutely impossible| Yup
    I was driving in America a couple of weeks ago,    and filled up at the petrol station, and the entire,  you know — there are two queues|    — Yeah
  — And the rope, the dividing line between the queues,    Not a rope barrier|  Crates and crates and crates of beer
    Australia has drive-through liquor stores as well|    Like, it's basically just a big shed,    filled on the interior with beer on all the walls
    Whoa, whoa|    And then you drive in, you ask for what you want,    they load it in the back of your car,  you pay, then you drive off
    This is why we're not allowed nice things, isn't it|    We'd just abuse that in the way that  they obviously somehow manage not to
    Well, we already abuse the non-drive-through|    [Laughter]  Yeah
    I know that in Australia there was some race,  like car racing thing,    and they had to restrict it to just one slab,  as they call it, of beer|    Yes, it's, er
 it's the|    It's the 24 hours, what's the track called?
    Yeah, it's the Supercar 24-hour —  Bathurst|    — Bathurst
 Right, yeah|  — Bathurst 24 Hours
    So you're allowed 24 hours, 24 beers|    — 
is the rule|  — Yeah, but there was an outcry
    But there was an outcry, because they restricted it to|    That's 24 beers *per person*
    Yeah| One an hour, per person
    But they said, there was an outcry at "just 24"|    [Laughter]    [Australian accent]  "No
"    But actually, in all fairness,  I go about one tin per half hour, so|    Well, I don't know if I could do that  for 24 hours, though, seriously
    I was going to say, by the end of the twenty-fourth one,    — |you ain't gonna be asking for more
  — While driving|    Oh yeah, while driving
  [Laughter]    Yeah, that was the driver|    "Come on, mate!
 Safety first!|"    Pit crew, possibly
    [Air gun whirring]  "Oh, s***, you want some more tyres?| Oh, God
"    "Eh, he'll be fine|'    "Inches of tread left, mate
 F*** off|"    [Laughter]    "Rack off!
" |he cried
    We're going to be never allowed to go there, are we|    That's my visa application f***ed
    Erm| so, talking about the gigantic lob
    Are we still talking about gigantic things in Australia?|    — Yes
  — Cricket ball|    — Ohh
  — Cricket ball|    — Or bat
  — Or stumps|  — Yeah
    I'm going to give you the Big Wickets  [DING]  in Westbury|    — Natch
  — Mmm|    "Located at the front of the local cricket pitch
"    I don't want you to give me the Big Wickets|    Somewhere out there, thanks to a nuclear accident,    is going to be a gigantic Fred Trueman  bowling at those in Godzilla stylee
    Yes!| Good Lord, that'd be brilliant
    But we'd have to invade and bring him back|    — Yeah!
  [Laughter]  — Repatriate Giant Trueman!|    King Kong with Giant Fred Trueman:    [Roars]    — Pipe
  — Thwack!|    Climbing the Media Centre at Lord's,    holding onto Jonathan Agnew like Fay Wray
    [Whoosh!|]    That is a man who does not follow cricket
    — Big things in Australia that aren't|  — Kangaroo
    I said that|    — Did you?
  — Yeah|  [DING]  Right near the start
    — Point|  — You ignored it
    Ohh|  [Laughter]    The, erm
 big huggy thing that smells of piss  and has an STD|    — Koala
  — Thank you|    Er, point
  [DING]    In fact, two points, because there is the Big Koala,  and the Giant Koala|    All: Ohhh
    The difference in size being|?
    — Er, not much|  — Ah
    Kookaburra|    Ooh, yeah, good one
    [DING]  Yep|    Because they're pretty big anyway
    Yeah| Four and a half metres, the big one, but yeah
    They're actually hummingbirds|    — Really?
  — Really?|    — No, they're kingfishers
  — Sorry, I meant kingfishers|    Hummingbird-sized kookaburra!
    — I like the idea of a|  — 
kookaburra-sized hummingbird!|    Just sounds like a Huey coming through
    Whoomp-whoomp-whoomp-whoomp!|  "F***!
"    — There's a Viet Nam vet, just going back to the|  — "Aaa!
 Aaah!|"    — "I like the smell of kingfishers
"  — Kookaburras|    — "
kookaburras in the morning|"    The thought of the giant kookaburra model again:    giant fibreglass, light-up eyes
  over a township, *squawking* on the hour|    — Ohh, yeah!
  — [Screech]    Oh yeah, because they've got  a real horrible grating call as well, haven't they?|    Yeah, they have, yeah
  Well, it sounds like "kookaburra", doesn't it|    Oh, of course, yeah
    Well, it's the sound they use for the monkey  in every jungle movie filmed before 1980|    — That kind of laughing monkey sound
  — [Monkey call]    — Yeah|  — That's a kookaburra
    In a monkey costume|    Not even in shot
  They just try and get it to feel the role, you know|    Flip the head back, light a fag between takes
    "I went to bloody RADA, luv, I don't know why I do this|"    — [Kookaburra squawk]  — The monkey obviously had better unions
    [Laughter]    The Monkey Film Union!|    That's why they don't work these days
  The kookaburras do all the monkey work|    [Laughter]  [Groans]    On that note, congratulations to Chris,    stealing it at the last moment  with an enormous number of big things
    Love it!|    You know it
    So congratulations, you win a DVD of the film    where the singer of "Purple Rain" trades places  with a peasant who looks just like him|    It's The Artist Formerly Known As Prince  and the Pauper
    Until next time, that's been Matt Gray|    That's been Gary Brannan,    That's been Chris Joel
    I've been Tom Scott| We'll see you next time
    [Translating these subtitles?| Add your own credit here!
]    [1| PeriodicGamer [Trevor]]  [2
 Peter Ambos]  [3| DieselWeasel]  This is the Technical Difficulties, we are playing Citation Needed    Joining me today: he reads books you know,  it's Chris Joel!
    Variously verbally, vociferous, verbose, violent, and venile are we|    You're doing a different letter each show?
    I have up to now, I'm going to have to think up some kind of crazy third letter now, but|    The bounciest man on the internet: Matt Gray!
    Hello Youtube!|    And everybody's favourite Gary Brannan - Gary Brannan!
    Join me in my balloon to the moon!|    I
 I|    Is that a euphemism?
    I'm not sure if I want to do that or not| On the plus side, it's a balloon to the moon    On the other hand, it's Gary's balloon to the moon    Do you have respiratory equipment?
    Gas in it, in't there?|    There will be with you in there!
    "There's gas in it, in't there"!|    In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [ding]    and there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is    And today we are talking about the boobrie|    It's a bird
    Oh, yes!| Point!
 [ding]    Cut, print, done!|    And as the bullet of mirth headed for the tit-shaped gagfest
    Where's the hyphen in that?|!
    I'm trying to diagram the sentence and it's not happening    Anywhere you could put a hyphen changes the|    Is it an Australian bird?
    No, it's not| You're in pretty much the exact opposite around the Earth    -- Norwegian!
  -- Not| not, uh, about
    -- Canadian!|  -- West Coast of Scotland
    You're right, it's a bird| sort of    It can also appear in other forms    -- Is it a fish?
  -- No|    In the same way that a duck is a fish?
    A wee mythical beastie!|    Oh, it is, have a point
 [ding]    A shape-shifting-ma-thing    -- I was going to say  -- You know what|    Well this is a quick one isn't it?
    Instant points| Instant biscuits
    Do I get a point for mentioning Kelpies and Selkies?|    Oooh    Other shape-shifting Scottish beasties    Yes, you can have a point for that as well [ding]    Do you want to talk about the Kelpies?
    Err| I can't remember which way round a Kelpie and a Selkie is    it's a thing that looks like a seal that transforms into a people on land or something like that    -- or shape shifts  -- Shape shifting water spirit
    -- Can you get a selkie stick?|  -- Ugh!
    A thing that changes from a seal to a person, while walking out of the sea?|    That's just a very unobservant person on land, isn't it?
    Well, yes!| That's how shape-shifting myths happen
    They've looked away, they've looked back, there's a man| And at no point have they gone    "'the two of these aren't related"
    They've gone-    "Hoots mon!|"    Ideally held up the bottle they had in their hand, rubbed their eyes,    stared at the bottle, shook their head, and put it back down again    And then debated whether it can be deep-fried and whether it'd taste good with Irn-Bru
    The reason I said sort of earlier on, as it may appear in other forms    because it's a shape-shifting entity    "It's just a thing!|"    Bullsh*t!
    Ah, water -- have a point, water-bull!| [ding]    -- What?
!|  -- Water bull
    A water bull, what's a water bull?|    It's another mythological Scottish creature    Shape-shifts!
    So it shape-shifts into another made-up thing?|    Yeah, yeah    Couldn't it be more inventive and shape-shift into something that isn't a shape-shifter?
    The water bull is said to reproduce with standard cattle, how can you tell what's happened?|    Is there a puddle of water underneath?
    Size of their ears|    Of course there is, naturally it's the ears
    Yes, the water bull has big ears, not flippers, not a fin, not anything like that    -- It's not that someone got a cow and-  -- Smaller ears|    threw it off a dock, into the
 a harbour|    -- Can I ask a question?
  -- Yes|    Are there "major issues" with this article?
    No, none at all!|    -- Are there any references?
  -- Perfectly cited!|    Well it's obviously true then(!
)    We've got a lot of good references here|  A lot of mythological tales,    particularly Gaelic ones have been very, very well studied    So you have a trail of bollocks!
    Yes!| Yes I do
    Does anyone want to come up with an explanation of what it might be?|    It's fairly early on, here
 You have a big bird that makes a bellowing sound    that sounds like a bull|    Is it a bittern?
    Not quite, it's extinct now, this goes back into mythological times|    Dodo!
    Uh, no|    Great bustard
    You're in the right area, it's great something|    That's what they went to school for, isn't it?
    Well I thought, boobrie, great bustard|    Great auk
    I was gonna say!| F***'s sake!
 I had awk in my head!|    Why didn't you say it?
!|    Because I thought it was like, Australian or something like that    Nah, I just thought it wasn't a British bird basically, the awk
 I didn't think it was|    It isn't anymore because it went extinct halfway through the 19th century    -- Was it shot a lot then?
  -- Erm, the auk|    It was probably delicious!
    That's why most things are extinct!|    "Aah, you should've seen this thing!
"    An easy shot!|    The bird's down was in high demand in Europe, which largely eliminated the European populations    by the mid-16th century    It was a beneficiary of many early environmental laws
    Yeah, but not enough, though,  'cos they killed them all!|    The 3rd of July, 1844, the last two confirmed specimens, off the coast of Iceland,    what happened to them?
    -- Died|  -- Yeah
 [ding]    In a freak parachuting attempt|    Yeah
 It does say 'were killed' so basically some|    "That's the last two there, I'm gonna have that
"    "They're mine|"    "My name's in books now!
"    That sounds like a case for Detective Inspector Bird!|    Cue title sequence
  Bird in a little detective's hat| in the rain    I just thought it would be that same Land Rover going down a dirt track    that they've all got
    I've just looked down this, on the Great Auk    The last pair, found incubating an egg, were killed on 3rd of January, 1844    on request from a merchant, and the people who killed them are named|    Jón Brandsson, Sigurður Ísleifsson, I'm probably mispronouncing the surname there,    -- strangling the adults
  -- Woah!| That's cold
    Woah| If you're gonna kill the last two of a species do it with your bare hands!
    It gets colder, it gets colder| And Ketill Ketilsson
    -- Did he kettle them?|  --- So Ketill, son of Ketill?
    Yup, Ketill, son of Ketill    Are we sure this was a man and not an implement?|    Don't forget, they're incubating an egg, what did he do?
    Boiled it and ate it|    Smashed it
 Just smashed it|    Oh, what a cock!
 He didn't even get a delicious meal out of it|    Um, we-    Because they came alone with no "soldiers"
    Literally it was as cold as that| They got interviewed later and just said:    "I took him by the neck
 He flapped his wings| He made no cry and I strangled him
"    As you looked into that bird's cold eyes, and just went: "shhh|"    "This is the last member of this species!
"    You do wonder with it being a merchant, it's like:    "I want the last immaculate skin", which is why they didn't shoot it or something    Yes, that's why they weren't shooting it|    They wanted the skins
    But that was the bird that they thought might be causing the sightings of the boobrie    What does it normally prey on?|    Small, little cushions
    Small, little cushions?|    Pray!
 Ohh|    Oh wow, that's
    No!| Fear!
    Preys on fear?|    Ah, animals on ships
    Entire boats, this thing eats?|    No, it just sneaks along when you've got a boat that's transporting a lot of animals    Takes one
    The whole boat?|    No, the whole animal though
 The whole animal    How big is this thing?|    The great auk's about that big!
    Mythological creatures, weird sightings, you know, you'll get all sorts of|    -- And in the days before glasses
  -- Yes|    Then it was blurry and that big!
    Can we rule out it wasn't one of these things that sank the Titanic?|    Yeah, I think we can rule-- it didn't shape shift into an iceberg
    That's not listed anywhere in here|    No great auk's ever been found with red paint smeared ominously on it
    I wish-- what we need's a crash zoom into an auk, just|    with the big red line down it's side!
    While it blinks once and smiles|    They will also shelter on land in overgrown heather    -- Who's she?
  -- There we go| Thank you!
    I set it up|    The boobrie can also manifest itself into another form
 A very creepy form|    Paul Daniels
    Lizard|    Airships
    They're not creepy!|    They are at night
    That's true| That's true
 Airships sneaking up on you in the middle of the night|    When you're walking along
    You just wake up and there's one in your face|    You're telling me you wouldn't go
    -- when you saw that?|  -- That's fair, that's fair    Has it got a little face painted on the front of the airship?
    Yeah, 'course it has    Just smiling unnervingly|    Well it's smiling unnervingly, you look away, you turn back, it's frowning
    You've written a Doctor Who plot there about airships|    Moffat, it's yours
    I mean, what, this is a litany of other things it could be|    Well, no, different kingdom here
 So not animalia|    A rock!
    Is it a plant?|    I was going to say, is it a rock?
    An insect|    Oh, piss off!
    A large insect that sucks the blood of horses, with tentacles and feelers|    But only horses
    Do insects have tentacles?|    No
    Well, it's not even consistent, that's my bother with this|    Most mythology isn't all that consistent, to be fair
    Well, if you're gonna make something up, at least you make it up consistently    At least my airship one was, you know, consistent with the flying, inanimate objects    It's partially an insect, partially Saturn(!|)    And partially swamp gas
    Of course it is| This is someone excusing their massive fart, isn't it?
    You are not getting away with calling what you did earlier "swamp gas", Gary|    No
 Oh, it was the boobrie everyone, that's what did it(!|)    There is an entire category here on Scottish legendary creatures
    Right| For a political joke:    the Conservative Party
    There we go|    What is it?
 More pandas in Edinburgh Zoo than there are Scottish Conservative MPs|    Yeah, and they're both Tories!
    What?| The pandas?
    Yeah!| Viciously!
    "We've got a habitat| I don't see why any of those other pandas should
"    "We could let them in, but why should we?|"    Gets out the Telegraph and just goes
    Pandas can be like embittered, late-40s Tories!|  They live together, they don't have sex,    they don't fraternise with other kinds,  they've got a very restrictive diet    UK Independence Pandas
    Someone I know has a big thing against pandas, right| And they have a very long list    "F****ng kill 'em!
"    Yeah, basically, they don't need to survive anymore,    they've bred themselves out of existence, so why are we bothering?|    Not actually a bad argument that one
 Pandas are basically an evolutionary dead end at this point    They failed Darwin's test    But they weren't, and like a lot of species we came along and messed things up for them    but, at this point|    And they vote Tory(!
)    Yes| Fact
 Fact|    We've established this, that pandas are Conservatives
    I'll tell you what, the best way to get a candidate to read your thoughts --    I can say this 'cause it will be after the election when this goes out    If you spoil your ballot, if you put more than one cross in a box,    every candidate has to stand around and look at that to agree that more than one cross is on that bit of paper    I have literally been in that meeting|    You have been there
 If you put two crosses and write "you're all dicks"    they all have to read that to make sure that you didn't put one preference more than the other    and that is a genuinely spoilt ballot|    So there you go, if you're gonna make a protest, call them all ****s and put two crosses in    there's nothing better than seeing a row of electral candidates reading what people think about them    as they all go "yes, yes, uh, and too, and my mum!
"    On that note, on that note|  Congratulations Gary, you win this week's show    The camera can't see you, you're in the darkness    You're in the dark!
    Congratulations, you win leafy green vegetables from one of the fathers of computing    Babbage's Cabbages|    -- Thank you very much to Chris Joel  -- Bye!
    Matt Gray!|    Gary Brannan!
    I've been Tom Scott, we'll see you next time!|    Subtitles by - Katy M  [Translating these subtitles?
 Add your name here!|]  This is the Technical Difficulties
  We're playing Citation Needed|    Joining me in the studio today:  He reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!
    Did I win one?|    TOM: Yes!
  CHRIS: Good, carry on then|    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan — Gary Brannan!
    Indebted to *you*, good sir|    And the bounciest man on the internet — Matt Gray!
    Good morrow, YouTube|    In front of me, I have a Wikipedia article  and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    and the special prize for  particularly good answers, which is:    Today we are talking about the Centennial Light|    Oooo, that sounds highbrow and commemorative
    As opposed to lowbrow and commemorative|    Lowbrow commemoration!
    'Dave's dead|'    [Laughter]    'Back down t' pit!
'    'We're commemoratin' this with a giant brass arse|'    Thing is, it is neither highbrow  nor commemorative, but
    Oh, f***|  Is it in Britain?
    Er, no|  We're over in the US here
    Uh-oh|    Livermore, California
    I know what it is!|  It's the really really old light bulb
    TOM: Point!| [DING] In fact
  GARY: Balls!|    GARY: Hang on a minute!
  CHRIS: Oh, right|    So how old's this light bulb?
    Have a guess| From the name
    Oh, okay| Fair enough, yeah
    No, fair point, actually, because it's obviously  more than a hundred, isn't it, now?|    Is it Edison's?
    No, it's a sixty-watt, mass-produced light bulb  from the late 1890s|    MATT: Oh, it's just a bulb
  TOM: Still shining|    Is it on all the time, or occasionally?
    All the time| It's had a couple of dropouts,  when there's been power cuts and they had to
    CHRIS: But the bulb has remained|?
  TOM: Yeah|    Right!
 Well, I find this really interesting,    because I read a Thomas Pynchon novel    wherein one of the characters is an immortal light bulb|    Gravity's Rainbow
    Yeah| Which is weird because at the time
  it goes into this whole thing|    And it turns out there is a conspiracy  amongst the major light bulb manufacturers    to not produce anything that burns  too much over a thousand hours,    so that they can keep producing light bulbs
    Er, yeah!| That is actually referenced in the article:    It is 'cited as evidence for planned obsolesence'
 point|    [DING]  Wahey!
    Ahh| So it's a light bulb that's never bust
    Yep|    But if you leave it on forever
  it's the turning on and off of things that blows them|    That's what does it, innit?
 Yeah| Yeah
    And if it's on forever then it hasn't had the stress|    I'm trying to think now if I've ever had a light bulb  that's gone out while it's been on
    It's always when you turn it on, isn't it|    GARY: Yeah
 It is, yeah|    On — plink!
 Yeah|    I don't think I've ever had a —    Can you imagine after a power cut,  turning that bastard back on?
    Ah!| Right
 Yes|    Can you say roughly what the procedures were  when they had to move it?
    Clench|    [Laughter]    Yeah
 Walk like you are about to follow through|    Or you might put it on a trolley,  actually, the more I think about it
    Ring the insurance company|    Ring the insurance company, certainly
    It's hung up in a fire department|    Does that give you an idea of  how they may have moved it?
    On a fire engine!|    On a Dalmatian!
    With a full fire truck escort, yes| Have a point
 [DING]    A fire truck actually would make more sense|    You've still got your 'blues and twos' to clear
  or reds and whatever noise an American fire truck|    TOM: 'Reds and woos'
    Reds and|!
 'Woo-woo!|'    Have a point!
    But you've got all that mass|    which is keeping the thing  from bucking around as much
    And if anyone hits it, it's not going to move anywhere|    Yeah
 Also, fire engine — electrical device — water|    In a fire, someone's going to be —    It's not going to be on
    Yeah, it's not like the fire engine —    No, I don't think it's on in the fire|!
  I mean when you've got it up in the fire station!|    There's going to be someone servicing an extinguisher  at some point, and being like, 'Ooh s***!
'    Even if you've got it in a little box or something,  which I assume you must do|    It was transferred in a box
    Well, naturally!| It's not going to be  in someone's helmet, is it?
    Was it the original box?|    TOM: I don't believe so, no
    Is this thing still pristine, 'new in box'  when it goes on eBay?|    Wrapped in cellophane ready for eBay, yeah
    [Laughter]    'Light Bulb — Condition|'    'Near mint
'  [Laughter]    'As new| Only 100 years use
'    It's just sat next to a Polo|    'Near mint
'  [Groans]    What colour is it?|    CHRIS and MATT: See-through!
    It's a light bulb|    That's not a stupid question
  It's a fire station| It might be red
    Okay, yes|    No
 fire station, not brothel|    Yeah
 Although| you know
    MATT: What?|!
  TOM: You get the two confused sometimes|    Roxanne got a new job anyway
    She does have to put on the red light now|  But only when going to and from a job
    Tesla won't have liked it, will he?|    Tesla probably *would* have liked it
  Edison wouldn't have admitted that Tesla liked it|    Yes, that's true
 Edison would have tried to  make money from it, you're absolutely right|    There is a webcam dedicated to —    F***'s sake
    Have a photo!|    It's gonna be on until it goes off!
    Ah!| What happened on the evening  of May the 20th, 2013?
    Did it turn off?|    Yes it did
 [DING]    Did it bust, or did it|?
    And that was the question| Have a point
 [DING]    Because all they know is, the light has gone out|  So they called —    Could they not have just thumped the switch?
    GARY: Yeah|    Well, no — it's connected to  an uninterruptible power supply
    This is a lot of f***ing effort for a light bulb|    They put a UPS on the light bulb?
    They put a UPS on the light bulb|  You know what happened to that UPS?
    MATT: It died|  TOM: It was interrupted, yes
    You know why it was interrupted?|    Because someone plugged a cord in the wrong socket
    So they've got to very gently turn it back on again|    Yes
 Well, I don't think you can gently turn on a light bulb|  I don't think that is a thing that's possible to do
    I don't know| I'm not an expert
    I'd say I defer to Matt, but| could you not  just sort of have a dimmer switch dealie?
    I'm thinking dimmer switch|    Just slowly build up the current — I mean, more subtly
    probably use something that digitally manages the amount of current like an electric speed controller|    Probably, but those kind of things induce  a load of noise, so that probably wouldn't
    Oh, right|    What's the problem with it being noisy?
    You mean a different kind of noise, don't you|    *Electrical* noise
    Ah, scientists|    CHRIS: You know, like prog rock
  GARY: Yeah|    So what's the second oldest light bulb, then?
    'Cos me Nana's house did have one for a long time|    CHRIS: Actually, our spare storeroom
  GARY: Like it|    Yep
 We lost the light in the bathroom, so we've got to  find something to just do tonight, can't go out|    So we've got this little back storeroom
    Right| Go in, pull it out: "Oh!
 Old 40-watt!|"    Not energy-saving or anything else
    Well, they've been "illegal" for however long now|    I was like, "Oh well, that's quite odd
"  Woolworths branded|    ALL: Ohhh
    |which tells its own story
 So I think  we're in with a shout for second place|    That's the question now
 Someone is out there  that potentially has the second|    Well, you've actually got a list here, and I'm not kidding
    Oh, someone's made one|    'Longest-lasting light bulbs' is indeed a Wikipedia thing
    Is there one in this country we can go visit?|    Er
 no, the second place one, according to the  Guinness Book of Records, is in Fort Worth, Texas,    at the Byers Opera House, above the backstage door|    Third one's in New York City, installed in 1912
    What did the owner try and do  to raise his profile?| Of the light bulb
    Gave it a Facebook profile|    
to get up the listings somewhat?|    Go around smashing second and first place
    He's the one that plugged the cable in wrong  for the Centennial Light|    GARY: [Gasps]  CHRIS: Dun dun dunnn!
 Scandal|    That is such a thing, isn't it?
  That could happen|    Did he edit Wikipedia?
    No, he just wrote to all the agencies  saying that it was a fraud,    because he was an electrical engineer  and the socket wasn't old enough|    Ohhh, smear campaign
    It was essentially a smear campaign|  Do you know what happened to this in the end?
    GARY: No one cared|  MATT: No one gave a s***
    No one knows| The store and the entire block  on which it stood was torn down in 2003
    Ah| That's unlikely to achieve a win now, isn't it?
    Did someone save the light bulb, though?|    Well, there's also the question of whether  the light bulb needs to be turned on to count
    Yes, of course it f***ing does!|  It's not a light bulb then, is it?
    Well, it is, as an object|    Whoa!
 Oh, wow| There's a deep philosophical question in there
    If a light bulb is off in a forest,  is it still a light bulb?|    No, the prize has got to be oldest working light bulb  or bust
 Because there's tons of old light bulbs|    Yeah, but 'oldest working' could have been  brand new in box from a hundred years ago
    Switch it on, it works: Oh, I've just instantly gone ahead|    Rather than one that's been on-off-on-off
    I just think| in fairness, the other one has been on
    Yeah|    But otherwise, you could just trump it with a light bulb  you've had up your arse for a hundred years
    I like how you said 'trumpet'|    Brannan: official arbiter of the Light Bulb Wars
    The fifth longest-lasting light bulb|    Ipswitch
    Aaah!| Let's go!
    In England| The Martin & Newby Electrical Shop
  Dated from the 1930s|    Burned out in January 2001
    It's him!| It's your man with the  friggin' light bulbs is doing it!
    [Laughter]    All these say, building gets torn down,  other one burns out|    He's going round one by one!
    This is drifting into Pynchon-novel territory again|    GARY: Yeah!
    Now, you mentioned Edison|    Oh
 Yeh|    GARY: Actually, I mentioned Edison
    He designed a bulb that was supposed to last forever|  What was it called?
    Dave|    Everbulb
    Osram|    No, they're part of the conspiracy
    The Magnificent Bulb of Eternity|    I'll give you the point
 Eternal Light| [DING]    It's in the Memorial Tower  at the Edison Memorial Museum
    Has it broke?|    Er
 it still kind of works,  but there is a slight problem with it|    Its filament's about that big across,  and it needs 200,000 volts to get it to do anything
    Nope, nope|    Is it evil?
    [Laughter]  TOM: Nope|    Radiation
    Ooh| No, no
    Cancer|    There's a slightly bigger problem with  its claim to be the longest light bulb
    Never been switched on ever|    It just isn't
    It just isn't| It's entirely fake
 [DING]    It's got a series of automobile headlights around  the bottom that just make it look like it's turned on|    GARY: Aaargh
    As you said, Edison — bit of a cheat|    Yeees
    So that brings us to the end of the show|    Congratulations, Gary!
 You win this time|    CHRIS: Boo
    You win this sandwich grill that emblazons  collectible images of footballers into your bread|    It's a Panini Sticker Press
    Americans| I'm sorry
    TOM: That has been Chris Joel|  CHRIS: Goodbye
    TOM: Gary Brannan|  GARY: Good evening
    TOM: Matt Gray|  MATT: Bye!
    I've been Tom Scott| That's been the  Technical Difficulties, and we'll see you next time
    Mickey Johnson — Johnson Mickey|    [Laughter]    Dick Willie — Willie Dick
    TOM: Will he?|    GARY: Dunno
    No| he was killed by a stinger
    This is a coffin ray, so it kills with|?
    Coffins!|    Just chucking boxes at folk
    Shark| 'Come on!
 I'll 'ave yer!|'    
the tune that Blur did that  landed on Mars with Beagle 2|    It didn't land — well, it did land!
    It landed!|    It landed at high velocity
 Downwards|    I know there's a thin line between 'landing' and 'impact'
    I tell that to the wife all the time|  This is the Technical Difficulties
  We're playing Citation Needed|    Joining me in the studio today:  He reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!
    I can see that I'm destined to be permanently surprised  by us starting over and over again today|    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan — Gary Brannan!
    And the bounciest man on the internet — Matt Gray!|    Hello YouTube
    In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia,  and these folks can't see it|    Every fact they get right gets a point and a ding [DING],    and the special prize for particularly good answers,  which is
    [Sings]  Hitting the taaable!|    [Laughter]  Oh no!
    Forgot my buzzer|  Completely forgot to bring my buzzer
    Today's article is|  The coffin ray
    [Coughing] 'I'm a fish and I killed Steve Irwin|'    GARY and TOM: Ohhh
    GARY: So R-A-Y|    Yes, R-A-Y
    MATT: |Charles?
    First of all, you're getting a point for 'fish'| [DING]    Heyyy!
    But it's not the one that killed Steve Irwin|    No, that one's already been sent to the electric chair
    That was also a sting ray, which|    ["Stingray" riff]  Da da laa dup daaa dup!
    ["Stingray" bassline]  Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom!|    [Steve Irwin voice]  'Crikey!
 I've got hold of it!|'    'But anything could happen in the next half hour!
'    No| he was killed by a stinger
    This is a coffin ray, so it kills with|?
    Coffins!|    Just chucking boxes at folk
    Shark| 'Come on!
 I'll 'ave yer!|'    Yaaagh!
    Scuba diver| Boom!
    What you don't realize is,  he's actually a skilled carpenter as well|    Is it some new version of like, Donkey Kong?
    GARY: Yeah!| Totally!
    You know, for the Wii,  now you've got 3-D graphics, and|    Monkey and barrels, done to death
    Right| boom!
    Lob a coffin|    The thing is: beautiful brass handles,  all done out inside
    Bonus points if you can get the door to open,    and close on what you're throwing it at|    and then it lands in the hole
    Let's face it: that's the undertaker's dream, isn't it|    It's got the diver going, 'Dat da da da
'    'What the| ooof!
'  Boom!| Doors closing — sea bed
    I like Gary's idea| You've got some sort of  Rube Goldberg machine
    So on the one hand, you've got your stiff laid out here,  your coffin here,    And just differently weighted catapults:  Badoong|    Whoosh — boomf!
  [Laughter]    The coffin ray kills with something that isn't a stinger|    Kindness
    Withering put-downs|    'I've seen better
'    Actually, he's got his tail,  that's in the shape of a pipe there|    Yeah, just swept round
  Well, if it's not a stinger|!
    Is it electrocution?|    TOM: Yes it is
 Have a point| [DING]  CHRIS: Heyyy!
    Why the coffin ray, then?|  I have never seen an electric coffin
    Though I do want neon round mine, I've said that|    [Laughter]  Yeah
 Yeah|    CHRIS: That'd be cool
    GARY: That's just a car battery  you'd need in there, isn't it?|    Bzzt
 bzzt|  'Occupied'
    'No Rooms'|    That is a good question, actually:  Why would it be called the coffin ray?
    Given in mind it's a ray, so it's a flat fish|    Does it kill you?
    Probably because it's got that distinctive shape|    That's a coffin shape
    *You* get a point| [DING]  *You're* wrong — it doesn't
    Normally it gives you a nasty shock,  but it doesn't generally kill people|    But you're right, it gets bloated after
    Yeah| It's in your wardrobe at night when you get home
    GARY: Boo!|  CHRIS: Aagh!
    Wouldn't be so bad,  but it's filled the damn thing with water to survive!|    TOM: Bloosh!
  GARY: Actually no, it's|    It's in your bog system, isn't it?
  [Laughter]    Bzzt!| Bzzt!
    'Occupied'|    It's also called the crampfish
    GARY: The crampfish?|  TOM: Crampfish
    Is it because the electric shock merely inspires cramp?|    No, it's because whoever it's with is made to look s***
    [Laughter]  Cramps your style, man|    Yes
 The electric ray kills you with an electric shock,  or attempts to kill you with an electric shock|    How does it generate that?
    Friction!|    It's got a piece of carpet on the bottom of the river
  [Laughter]    Goes back and forth and then sits there,    going, 'F***ing Steve Irwin!|'    I was going to say, pedal-powered dynamo behind it
  [Laughter]    Ah, that's brilliant!|  What does it pedal with?
 It's got no feet|    Little wings, it's got
    No, it's peddling things| It's selling them
    Yeah!|    Ahh!
 Just buys batteries|    TOM: Ah
 Ah|    CHRIS: Oh
 Ah|  GARY: He's got a battery?
 F*** off|    Er, point!
 [DING]    CHRIS: Duracell!|    What, double A?
 What?|    Surely it's a capacitor
    It was essentially one of the inspirations for batteries,    when Alessandro Volta and Galvani|    
stuck one in the back of his radio  and noticed it worked briefly|    MATT: It's got a lead-acid gland
  TOM: They were using it as|    Replace the steam engine with a fish!
    'A bank of a thousand of these  could light an entire factory, Ichabod!|'    'We've thrown one in the boiler
 It's water|'    'Maybe we could *extract* the electricity
'    'And store it in a jar, or jug, or other piece|'    
a jug of electricity!|    'Oh no, iPod's gone flat
'    Bloop-bloop-bloop!|  'Crackin'!
'    'Get the ray out|'    It is essentially what's called a voltaic pile
    I've had them| I've got an ointment
  [Laughter]    Yeah| Okay
  I realized the moment that came out of my mouth|    Surely just something that's not properly earthed,  so you can just discharge them
    'Get that copper pipe away or it'll arc|'    Ba-boom!
    Shortest route to ground!|    Where do we find it?
 If you want to go and find a|    Water!
    TOM: Okay| Yes
 Not giving you a point for that|  GARY: The seas
    CHRIS: Not the seas| Rivers
    MATT: Hot seas|  CHRIS: Big rivers
    Er| you're closer
 It's essentially|    The Deep Hole
    Hull?|    It's an ugly-looking fish that wants to kill you
  Where's it going to live?|    — Australia
  — Point| [DING]    It's one of the few things that isn't poisonous
    It can actually generate up to about two hundred volts|    At what current?
    Yes, I was going to say,  'It's the volts that jolts; it's the mills that kills|'    TOM: It doesn't actually say that but, er
    Ooo|    It also spends most of the day buried in sediment,  with only a little
    Building up friction|    GARY: Yep
    'Don't you come near me, or so help you,  I'll stick you to the wall!|'    But that is a
    It conceals itself on the sea floor,  which is a problem because|?
    You stand on it|    Point
 [DING]    It turns out that if you just have  the ray sitting there in sand,    and you just pour some seawater on it, what happens?|    It goes 'pfffftttt!
' and arcs|    CHRIS: Wow!
    I thought that was the arcing, but no!| First, that's
    No, that was the flapping of the fish going 'Water!|'    Building up the charge
 I'm with you, yes|    You get a shock up it
    Yeah, you do| [DING] It's still strong enough  that you can get enough of a shock    all the way up the seawater you're pouring on it
    Don't piss on it|    Don't piss on the electric ray!
    I am| I have to look up and see if that advice
    I think you just don't piss on anyone called Ray|    That's true
    Men called Raymond have been  campaigning for that for years|    'Stop pissing on me!
'    I can tell you that, having searched for that|    There's a lot of talk about urinating on an electric fence,    and standing on a ray
    But as far as I can tell|    GARY: No one's done the two at the same time
    No one has ever researched peeing on an electric ray|    Nobody's stood on a fence and pissed on a fish
    Australia, it's on you|    [Laughter]    If any of you have weed on an electric ray and lived
    Well, you will have lived to tell the tale, but|    TOM: Yeah, do tell us in the comments
    GARY: What's it like?|  TOM: Yeah
    MATT: Or a video response|    GARY: Oh yeah, film it
    Oh| Don't
!|    Do film it
 just from a very careful angle|    What does the coffin ray feed on?
    Normally| I mean, obviously it shocks
    Coffins!|    Plankton
    Er, no| bigger things than that
    Big plankton|    Close
 No|    Chips
    TOM: Erm|    MATT: Shrimp
  TOM: Like| you're
    I'm nowhere near!|  Stop trying to manufacture this as a clue
    [Laughter]    Well, it's something that goes with chips|    Fish!
    There we go!| [DING]    'Benthic bony fishes'
    Excuse me?|    'Benthic bony fishes'
    MATT: Benthic?|  GARY: Is that a brand?
    No, it's a depth in the ocean|    It's a subset of the sort of strata  that exist in waters of the ocean
    It is!| Have a point
 [DING]    CHRIS: Heyyy!|  GARY: There you go
 Well done|    MATT: Benthic
  CHRIS: Yeah, it's the benthic zone|    I can't remember if it's the top or the middle  or the bottom, but as you go down
    So is that like in The Crystal Maze?|    You go through one, then you get to the Benthic zone
    Yeah!| If Richard O'Brien was in scuba gear
    And can we just pause for a second for that image?|    
and all enjoy that image|    He would look like a pint of Guinness
    It's a three-quarter one|  They're cut off so you can see his bandy little legs
    Little harmonica attached to it just here|    CHRIS: Yeah
 Yeah|  GARY: You'd need a little
 well, you'd need a belt|    Instead of a knife in his boot: harmonica
    Yeah| And actually the harmonica  is specially adapted to work underwater
    CHRIS: Yeah, absolutely|    I was seeing a belt for weights,  because he's quite a light fellow
    Oh yeah, yeah| He's a spry lad
  We're going to have to|    But he could have a harmonica clip there
    Yeah, and we're going deep,  so you know he needs a lot of weight|    GARY: Wait, what are we talking about?
  CHRIS: Going Deep, with Richard O'Brien|    [Laughter]  Good name
    You would pass through —  is the benthic zone at the top?|    TOM: It's the bottom
  CHRIS: It's at the bottom?| Oh, blimey
    So you'd pass through the blah-blah-blah zone|    GARY: Industrial, Aztec
  CHRIS: And as the pressure increases,    there are distinct changes in salinity,  and what can exist there and so on|    And apparently the benthic zone is at the bottom
    Can we now make Richard O'Brien's  Journey to the Bottom of the Sea?|    I've just got the thought of it,    instead of being like your traditional  underwater nature documentary, narrated,    I actually want to see it presented by him doing  pieces to camera from the bottom of the ocean
    CHRIS: Yeah|    But all you'd hear is the honking, wheezing
  [Laughter]    [Honking, wheezing and bubbling]    When I signed the contract,  I assumed a submarine or diving bell|    [Laughter]  Or bluescreen
    You can't take a bluescreen underwater!|    Take a greenscreen down,  and just 'Shop in a desert behind him
    '|the hell?
!|'    [Bubbling]    So this is Richard O'Brien's Journey to the Sahara  Under the Bottom of the Sea
    Richard O'Brien Drowns in the Sahara, Under the Sea|    Sorry, Richard
    There are some very large creatures that have been found in the stomachs of these rays|    Not just fishes
 Any ideas what those might be?|    Sharks!
    Duncan Goodhews|    CHRIS: Max Bygraves
  [Laughter]    Not quite that kind of size|    A truck
    The International Space Station|    Brian Blessed's underwear drawer
    Big underwear drawer|    Salma Hayek
    [Laughter]    The Library of Alexandria|    A Mark IV Cortina
    [Laughter]    They're normally things on land|    A fridge!
    TOM: But they are| they are
    Tigers!|    Not quite that big
 Erm|    Vladimir Putin
    [Laughter]    You said, 'big things that live on land'|    We'll get there eventually
    Rats and penguins|    Awww
    Penguins?|!
    It's taken penguins| They've found
  penguins in the stomachs of these rays|    I'm sorry, but I do find the image of
    a penguin poddling across the beach,    and then suddenly going, BZZZZT!|    
quite hilarious|    MATT: Awww
    Would all his feathers fly off, and just leave him    kind of that pinky naked colour,  but with smoke coming out of his bill?|    I met a penguin the other week
    Was he in a shop?|    Did you ask him that question?
    'What would happen if you were electrocuted?|    'Would your feathers fly off  and smoke come out of your bill?
'    It didn't feel feathery|    Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
 'feel'|    Hang on
 Rewind| How did you meet a penguin?
    Okay, later question: How do you *feel* a penguin?|    But first of all, how can you meet a penguin?
    Well, kind of like this sort of thing|  [Laughter]    'Oh my
'    So I was in the desert|    
of course| With Richard O'Brien
    So you were actually under the sea, yeah?|    And in said desert, in Dubai
    GARY: Oh, right|  TOM: Dubai, okay
    Where anything happens and usually does|    Home of ridiculous buildings
    Yes| There is a ski centre in Dubai
    GARY: Naturellement|  CHRIS: Because you can
    Because if you've got the money to live in Dubai,    you can't afford to fly to France and go on real snow|    So outside, it's 45 degrees
 Inside, it's minus 4|    Was he greeting you as you entered?
  'Wak|'    They sort of wave as they run
    'Aaaa, it's Matt Gray!| I seen you on the internet!
'    Were you supposed to be in the penguin enclosure?|    Yeah, they have sort of a  penguin sanctuary kind of thing in this
    TOM: For all those lost penguins in the desert|  GARY: For those lost desert penguins, yeah
    And yeah, they have a 'Meet the Penguins' experience|    You all sit on the bench, the penguins run in
    'Waheyyy!|'    *That's* getting GIFed
    [Laughter]    And then they're like, 'Do you want to touch it?|'    GARY: That's a seedy question to ask, isn't it?
    'I'll touch a penguin|'    And the penguin
 they get the penguin  to stand like that in front of you|    And you can touch its back and it
 it feels like a snake|    ALL: Oooo
    Sort of waxy, scaly, rather than feathers|    Oh, it would be, wouldn't it?
 Because it's waterproofed|    Yeah
 It's got wax on it!|  [Spraying noises]    'You can touch this one
 We've varnished it|  You'll not do any damage
'    I was thinking sort of| that kind of thing, but no
    You'd just use a wax sprayer at the local car wash|    Come on
 We're in Dubai|  are you going to think about that?
    TOM: Yeah|    And then they said
    'Do you want to hug it?|'    Were the actual words  'Would you like to hug with penguin' used?
    Yeah!| 'Do you want to hug the penguin?
'    GARY: Yeah|  TOM: Yes
    'Yes| I would like to hug that penguin
'    What do they smell like?|    Fishy
    Yeah, I thought they would|    Well, they're not going to  put some cologne on the penguin
    Honk honk honk!|  [Spritzing sounds]    Ah, come on now
  A cat doesn't smell of lamb, does it?| It smells like a cat
    So I don't know, why would they smell of fish  because that's what they eat?|    Because they're a fish
 ish thing|    They're not a fish!
    Penguins aren't fish!|  
am I wrong?|    They're birds
    Exactly| Thank you
    For a minute, you're starting to doubt  your own facts there, you know what I mean?|    'Penguins aren't
 fish|?
'    To be fair, I did actually have Wikipedia up at that point    just to check that a penguin was in fact a bird,    and not some kind of fishy thing|    All right
 At the end of the show,  congratulations Matt, you win!|    Yaaay!
    You win a replica of the singer of 'Livin' On A Prayer'  made of small chocolate sweet candies|    It's a Bonbon Jovi
    TOM: Thank you very much to Chris Joel!|  CHRIS: Well, goodbye!
    TOM: To Gary Brannan!|  GARY: Salutem
    TOM: To Matt Gray!|  MATT: Bye-bye
    I've been Tom Scott| That's been the Technical Difficulties
 We'll see you next time|    Are we making a series of crematorium gags here?
    CHRIS: Yes| To be
  GARY: 'To go where no man has been before!|'    Crematorium Thunderbirds jokes, let's be clear
    GARY: Let's be fair!| We're not completely  stupid and irresponsible
    TOM: |So he dropped out at nine miles
  GARY: Yeah|    TOM: Rode the rest of the way,  then the car broke down at mile 19
    and he just started jogging again!|    ALL: Oooo
    GARY: That sounds highbrow and commemorative|    Oooh, it
    As opposed to lowbrow and commemorative|    Lowbrow commemoration!
    'Dave's dead!|'  [Laughter]    'Back down t' pit!
'    'We're commemorating this with a giant brass arse!|'  Today's show is sponsored by Terry Wogan's "Bohemian Rhapsody"
    [Wogan voice]  'Open your eyes| Look up to the skies and see!
'    [Laughter]  [Music]    This is the Technical Difficulties|  We're playing Citation Needed
    In front of me I have an almost-randomly selected Wikipedia article    from everybody's favourite reliable source of knowledge, and these folks can't see it|    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING]    and there's a special prize for particularly good answers, which is:    Good Lord
    — Good grief!|  — [Grunts]    So today we are talking about the Counts of Andechs
    [Laughter]  The what, sorry?| The cow —    — The Counts of Andechs
  — *Counts* of Andechs|    Oh, is that how they determine how many, er, sheets there are on a roll of bog roll?
    — Yes!|  — That's the Count of Andrex
    Oh, okay|    Of course, the Andrex Company was started by a Count Andrex of Bohemia
    [Sesame Street 'Count' voice]  'Ha ha ha!| One!
 Ha ha ha!|'    [Sesame Street 'Count' voice]  'One sheet not enough!
 Two, not enough!|'    'Three, getting there
 But we'll go for four!| Just in case
'    You have to check in with him before you enter the toilet and gamble on how much you're going to need|    Yeah
 He's stood outside, sliding them under the door, sheet by sheet|    [Laughs] 'What is sheet five worth to you?
'    'Ha, ha, ha, ha!|'    'I have insatiable thirst for human blood!
'    [Laughter]    It's the thought of the Count actually submitted to his baser, non-counting instincts one night|    'Ha ha!
 Try to find virgin on Sesame Street| Impossible!
'    [Laughter and groans]    'Bert and Ernie| no hope there!
'  [Laughter]    'I go to their house, thinking two-for-one deal|'    'No!
 Things I see cannot be unseen|'    'One night, three-for-one!
 Big Bird very small|'    [Laughter]    There was a lovely quote from the creators of Sesame Street    when they were tired of commenting on the Bert and Ernie rumours,    which was: 'They're puppets
 They don't exist below the waist|'    No, but they've got a man's fist up their arse, ain't they?
    [Laughter and groans]    Somewhere back in that rant, you did mention Bohemia|    Does anyone know what Bohemia actually was?
    — Er, Germany|  — An area of Germany, yeah
    — What is now Germany|  — Or Austria, or
    One of the many states that coalesced into Germany over the 19th century|    It's modern day Czech Republic
    All: Oh!|    There you go
 Prisoner of Zenda inspiration basically, Bohemia, wasn't it?|    Prisoner of Zenda?
    Yes| Yes, the novel
 Ruritanian, erm|    I know the name but not much else, I'm afraid
    Big castles and big pointy hats and large 'taches and big swords and all that|    — Are there large castles?
  — Yup|    'I love a lady with a flying buttress!
'    [Laughter]    'Gentlemen, I am crenellated|'    [Laughter]    'Good Lord!
'    'Repel all boarders!|'    Sorry, I'm doing Terry Wogan's Castle Defence there
    'Repel all boarders|'    Terry Wogan's castle defence of a *ship*, I think you'll find, was 'repel all boarders'
    I think we've found the British version of Takeshi's Castle|    Well!
 Actually, no offence to T-Wogs himself, but|    he is too low a level
 Takeshi Kitano, am I right?|    Beat Takeshi
    Massive, huge movie star of Japan|    If you were doing it, it'd be Connery's Castle
    Ahh!|    That's the level — or Moore's Mansion or something like that, is what you would be looking at
    Brosnan's Bungalow!|    Dalton's Dormer
 Doesn't quite work|    I've got Brosnan's Bungalow as just being an alternative Saturday morning kids' show
    Dick and Dom!|    'Now we're going to look at some silly things outside
'    The thought of Roger Moore driving round in one of those little carts they have on Takeshi's Castle,    spraying people with water while laughing, in a military uniform|    That's what he does!
    Yeah, but he'd have a big cocktail in his left hand, wouldn't he?|    [Suave Roger Moore voice]  'Ah, ha ha ha ha!
'    That's the greatest impression of anybody I've ever seen!|    Roger Moore driving a car, shooting water while carrying
    It was so good, I popped a button on me shirt, Gary|    I was that stunned by it
    I think the idea is not that you have to knock out the paper targets|    By the way, if you haven't watched Takeshi's Castle, this whole section's lost on you
    Open a tab, just give it five minutes, come back|    It's not that you have shoot out the targets — it's that you have to knock his drink out of his hand,    or dilute it sufficiently
    No, surely it is you have to hit something very close to the cocktail,    but if you hit the cocktail that's a death sentence|    If you water it down, you get lightly maimed
    Ah, but you just cheat by having a cocktail umbrella|    So that's what they're for!
    The Counts of Andechs, then, if I can drag this back to where we were|    Oh yeah, yeah
    In northern Dalmatia|    Was it a bit spotty?
    Now, I didn't know Dalmatia was actually a region| I've only just put two and two together
    Yes!| Same way that Alsace is a region
    — Yeah, Alsace I knew|  — Weimaraner — Weimar
    — Really!|  — Yeah!
    — Yeah|  — Ah!
    All these little places that came together to form Germany|    Sausage dough
    Well, Dalmatia|    Sausage dough!
 [Laughs]    Weirdly, it was a very short and fat region|    Which is where the sausage dogs come from
    I always said that fox-hunting| instead of trying to ban it, just make them —    I think it was actually a Monster Raving Loony Party idea, but it works:    make them replace beagles with sausage dogs
 That'll even it out|    Well, sausage dogs are hunting dogs, just for burrowing animals
    Yeah, that's what I mean| A sausage dog chasing a fox
    Also, what's the proper name for a sausage dog?|    Dachshund
    Dachshund!| Of course it is
 That'll be from the Dach region|    Yes!
    It means 'sausage dough'|    Dalmatia's not actually in Germany, though
    It's the right area of Europe| Does anyone want to take a guess where that is now?
    [Arnold Schwarzenegger voice]  Austria|    We're going a bit further east
 We're also on the Adriatic Sea|    Is it Hungary?
    Not on the Adriatic Sea, it's not|    — We've had Croatia and it's not that
  — Point!| [DING]    Oh really!
 Okay|    We've had Czech Republic, not Croatia
    Yeah| Absolutely right
 So we are looking for some counts in northern Dalmatia|    They actually went extinct shortly afterwards, so it was a complete —    Extinct?
!| I'm sorry
    Were they Neanderthals?|    They were shot and eaten for their meat by colonizers
    Are we talking about dogs?|    No, we're talking about the counts
 They went 'extinct in the direct male line in 1251'|    Because they didn't have any girls, basically, and they all married off, right?
    Other way round, that they didn't have any sons|    — And girls don't matter in the West
  — Oh, right, that's what I meant, sorry|    Yeah
 We're in the 13th century| It's declining just on the male line
    That's changed in the UK, in the last few years, just before the birth of Prince|    — Prince George
  — Thank you, I was about to call him Prince Wossname,    — Nice|  — Which is possibly treason
    Prince George|    Thing is, that is kings and queens of the country sorted until
    After our lifetime|    Yeah, the 22nd century
    — Yes|  — Wow
    Sort that out| That's what you call longevity
 That's what you call a permanent institution|    We've got — I don't know if it will be Charles or not, I've heard different
    And then you've got| obviously you've got William, and then you've got him
    So it's all blokes for the rest of our life now|    Yeah
 Unless we get a gun and — no, sorry|    [Laughter]  That's actually
    It's going to be a sausage-heavy monarchy, everybody|  [Laughter]    It has been, throughout history, a fairly
    Yeah, default setting there|    So I'm looking through, and there is just an enormous amount of genealogy,    and names, and intrigue in the court here
    Does anyone want to take a guess at some proper sort of Bavarian names that could be in this?|    Hans!
    No Hans, strangely enough|    — That's weird
 That's probably why they died out|  — They were all maimed!
    Wahey!|  [Laughter]    Does that mean they were Hans-free?
    [Groans]  Yes!|    — Point!
  — Thank you, thank you|    — No, no, I can't give you a point, it's not a fact
  — Biscuits!|    I've just realized that whenever I hit that button, I do this kind of — thing with my lips, like
    [Slaps button]  I'm not sure why!|    Can we just get a freeze-frame of that now, of you going:    Ludwig!
    Yeah, Ludwig's a good shout, actually|    Nope
    — Arnold|  — John!
    Arnold is exactly right| Point!
 [DING]    — Ah!|  — Arnold!
    The very first one: Arnold, Count of Dießen married to Gisela of Schweinfurt|    Nice
    Pigfurt?|    — Pretty much
  — Yes|    If anyone wants to take what the 'Furt' in that is
 'Schwein' is definitely 'swine'|    Is it 'river'?
    Not quite| You're very close
    Ford|    Ford
 Point over there| [DING]    — 'Pig crossing'
  — Literally 'swine ford'|    It's where you put the pigs through the river
    I love it| There's a German footballer called Schweinsteiger
 I always loved that: 'Pig-farmer'|    I love it when you do translate
 My wife does that a little bit, you know, of translating foreign footballers' names|    'Huh huh!
 Pig farmer|'    And as soon as you've got that in your head
 'Pig farmer|'    'He's playing surprisingly well considering he's been up since dawn
'    They don't milk pigs, do they?| So he doesn't need to be up at dawn
    No, we've missed the obvious one| We've missed 'Otto'
    Of course!|    There's one of those
 There's also| Poppo
    — Nice!|  — Cool!
    He sounds like a children's clown|    Poppo the Second, Margrave of Carniola
    — Yes!| Yes!
  — Ohhhh!|    Carniola!
    And thrice yes, please|    And if he doesn't introduce himself like that every time, there is something wrong
    Probably doesn't introduce himself very much at all any more|    Well
 if he didn't at the time|    'I am Margrave of Cariola
'    'I would like some petrol|'    I mean, we're talking about someone who died more than 900 years ago
    'I would like some hay|'    'I am Margrave of Cariola
 Twix please!|'    I've just got this idea of motorway service stations on medieval hay tracks now
    Well, there would have been things like that| There would have been coaching
 staging places|    Yeah, it would have been a coaching inn
    But I'm just having the idea that you pull off this slip road on this hay track,    and there's this utterly uninterested person    trying to flog you fish and chips that have been sat there for ten hours|    'You cannot get a frankfurter from these people
'    'For look at the prices they charge!|'    'I shall go over to ye Manor of Ginster
'    'It is not warm| It is cold
 These things should not be eaten in such a fashion!|'    'But there be tax if we warm them
'    'But there be tax if we warm them, sir!|'    'Yes, I know!
 I set the taxes!|'    'Fine, fine
 I shall eat it cold anyway| I am only on my way somewhere else
'    'I shall heat it on my horse's exhaust|'    [Laughter]  Ohhh
    I just realized that essentially, that pasty tax thing is like a medieval tax|    It's the kind of thing you'd expect King John to say in a Robin Hood story
    Yes| A kids' Robin Hood story, of course, that doesn't involve death,    but one that does involve taxing pasties
    Yeah|    Just a thought: 'I wouldst have to pull over at a, at a staging-place; I have soiled my —'    Sorry, you're dropping into Wogan again here
    I can't help it!|    'I have soiled my breeches and I must take a quick call
'    'These privies are cleaned twice a day| Please tell Management if you find a problem
'    There's a little analog clock on the wall, going round,    saying 'Minutes since last|'    They've got one of those grabby machines!
    — Just on a string|  — Yeah
    'You could never find a favour from these things!|'    No, it's just a peasant strung up by the feet
    [Laughter]    And you've only got so much rope to lower them down|    — 'I have a cunning plan!
'  — 'Get that one!| Get that one!
'    'His grip is not strong enough| They are rigged!
 They are rigged!|'    'He has had some disease as a child!
'    The bears are just massively weighted|    No, they're actual bears
    'I do not even want this!|'    I think we're riffing a Maid Marion and Her Merry Men sketch here
    — Right, okay| At the end of the show, Gary, congratulations, you win this one
    YEEES!|    Oh, I'd forgotten that
    I'd forgotten he does that every time, doesn't he|    You have won:    Two hours racing around the coast, desperately trying to collect clams with a famous ballerina
    in Darcy Bussell's Mussel Hustle|    So enjoy that!
    That's been Matt Gray|    That's been Gary Brannan
    That's been Chris Joel|    I've been Tom Scott, and we'll see you next time!
    And that was our show!|    If you liked it, leave us a comment, or better yet, share it around to your friends
    We're trying not to be too needy, but| seriously, share it around!
    And there are more than thirty audio episodes of our reverse trivia podcast    over at techdif|co
uk|    [Translating these subtitles?
 Add your name here!|]  Please welcome to the stage, the Technical Difficulties!
    Gentlemen|    Who let you in?
    Thank you| Goodnight!
    This isn't a kitchen!|    My!
 My kitchen got bigger!|    I like that we got Gary out of the work release programme, so it's all good
    Don't worry, I'm legal till seven|    What happens at seven?
    At this point, it's where we could go 'cutting room floor!|'    That is less than 60 seconds, before you got that reaction from us
    New record!| Yes, it did deserve that!
    THE POWER!|    Lock the doors!
    The emergency exits in case of too much shtick are over there, there and there|    ♫ F*** you too!
 ♫    So yes| Hello!
 We're the Technical Difficulties|    And thank you very much to Jay Foreman, who has been a lovely warm up act    and has hopefully got you guys all ready to go
    Can we give him one last round of applause, please|    Shall we shut the door for him?
    And so what we are going to try and do, for those of you who did not scroll down on the introduction page    Like me!|    Chris, here's what we're going to do
    Right|    We're going to try to film, effectively
 two episodes|    Crawl man!
 Crawl!|    You can see why he was in the SAS for so long
    We are going to try to film two episodes of the show here|    As if this were a normal thing    In
 Chris's kitchen|    Which has had a major extension
    Yeah| And has had nearly 400 people in
  invited| to er
 There's a balcony!|    -Hello everyone on the balcony
  -Hello upstairs!|    There are no cheap seats in this show!
    Apart from them there| They're crap
 But you know|    They're doing well, they can't see me
    We love you the most in the Royal box!|    Your Majesty
    We are going to try and film this straight through|    Obviously there is some editing, that takes place
 during regular recording    Oh boy!| You wait
 Yeah|    Libel tends to happen    Swearing tends to happen more than you might think
    -- No it f***ing doesn't|  -- Gary
!|    Generally at this end of the table
    End of the table, yeah, we're normally in the round|    Like the fact that we've the mics like this, is strange in it's self
    Thank God, for once, I don't have to look at Matt|    You do kind of look into each other's eyes
    This is the panto we always wanted|    AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh no it isn't!
    Oh yes it is!|    Who's come the furthest?
    We got a hand straight up    Belgium!|    -Belgium
 That is| Oh!
 Hang on|  -Someone thinks they've got a shout
    Woah!|    -Hold on, there's a lot of
  -One at a time please|    Person over there
    Sweden, that's a long way away|  Can anyone beat Sweden?
    Oh!| Hand at the back
    New York|    That'll do it
    That will take it|    The look of disbelief on their faces
    Contractually obliged to point out the old one's better|    Yorkshire!
    Yorkshire!|    Yorkshire!
 Yorkshire!| Yorkshire!
 Yorkshire!| Yorkshire!
    Thank you, goodnight!|    Are we ready to go chaps?
    - Never!|  - Shall we
 shall we do this?|    Have to be!
    AUDIENCE: - Biscuits!|  - Mystery biscuits have been provided!
    We've got some on the front|    We've actually got biscuits
    Assortment!|    Off-brand as well, they are truly mysterious
    It is a misnomer, they're not in a barrel|    No
    If they crawl under the table, half way through the show, without any help, I'm off!|    Shall we do this?
    - Let's|  - Let's do this
    Ladies and gentlemen, I have some magic buttons here| The red button has gone
    Instead I have a panel of buttons!|    -One of them does this
  -Woo!|    That's not bad
 I'm happy with that|    AUDIENCE MEMBER: Press F11 to exit
    Tinder username|    One of them does this
    [DING]    - And one of them does this|  - Not much of a graphic(!
)    (Sing along!|)    [♫MYSTERY BISCUITS♫]    Feel free to sing along with that one
    Would you like a practice run?|    3
 2| 1
    [♫MYSTERY BISCUITS♫]    Oh yeah!|    Tingles!
 Tingles!| Oh hoo ho!
    Considering that's a jingle we made in five minutes, about seven years ago|    In a student radio studio
    Right!|    Are we ready?
    Never!|    -Alright
  -Never have been|    Ladies and gentlemen
    Show number one|    You ready?
  Today's show is sponsored by  Arnold Schwarzenegger's One-Sided Chess Set|    'I'll be black
'    This is the Technical Difficulties|  We're playing Citation Needed
    I have an almost-randomly selected article    from everybody's favourite  reliable source of knowledge, Wikipedia,    and these folks can't see it|    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    and there's a special prize  for particularly good answers, which is
    And today we have an article with 'multiple issues'|    ALL: Oooo
    It needs additional citations;    it may need to be rewritten entirely|    But nevertheless, we are talking about the flag of Mars
    Right|    So this is a question about the people  who make Galaxy chocolate, yes?
    Yes, totally, yes|    It's a bit like a Japanese flag,  only it's a big Malteser in the middle
    Surely that's the Maltese flag?|    Ohhh, you!
    Oh, he's got you there!|    He got me bang to rights!
    Meanwhile, across the river|  there is the flag of Cadbury's
    Yes|  [Laughter]    'We march beneath our purple banner to GLORY!
'    Just loading cannons, again with Maltesers|    Just as grapeshot
    'This is the most delicious battle ev —  AAUGH!|'    Aaah!
    'Still pretty good|'    Honeycomb and chocolate in the eye at velocity!
    So goggles, obviously, is the first consideration,  I think we can all agree|    Hershey's won't join until 1941
    ALL: Ohhh!|  [Laughter]    Yes!
    And it'll just be terrible anyway|    That's more of a comment on their chocolate
    Cadbury's sending in the 1st Mounted Freddos,  as the first|    No, they'd send in Taz's!
  Could you imagine the devastation?|    That's why Freddos went up to 20p
  There was a shortage after the battle|    Right
 Massacred| Massacred
    Caramel guts sprayed all over the place!|    'Leave me!
 Leave me!| Go on yourself!
'    'Aaargh!|'    I've just got the thought of Mars
    like they were multiple rocket-launchers in World War II,    a Mars bar, like that|    Thump!
 Thump!| Thump!
    I've just got the idea that Swiss chocolate  is sitting in the middle|    — 'Not happening!
'  — Nope, nope|    Curly Wurlys used as trenching ladders
    [Laughter]    Using Revels as grenades|    Do you remember the Cadbury's Caramel rabbit?
    — Yes I do|  — She'd be Florence Nightingale
    I was thinking she was the cheesecake for the troops|    — Oh crikey
 Steady lad!|  — And the old ENSA shows
    Be still!|    [Husky voice]  'Hi boys
 I'll just undo the wrapper slightly|'    [Cheers]    'Show us your gooey centre!
'    [Laughter]  [Groans]    That's the greatest laugh I've ever heard!|    Don't make him self-conscious of his laugh
  He's got to keep it going|    No!
 That would be even worse|    It was actually — you know what
    Horribly, I was laughing over the thought  of one-legged Freddos|    'Yeah, lost the leg back in '15 in the Chocolate Wars
'    'They did melt a new one onto me, but it's not the same|'    It's a leg from a Santa
    I just got the thought of Taz's  riding those Lindt rabbits|    No, Lindt
 Oh, no, Lindt's German, isn't it|    It's not Swiss
 I thought, yeah, Swiss neutrality, but yeah|    'Chaaarge!
'    Christ, have I told you about this,  when I went to the Lindt factory|    — Hello!
  — |in Germany
    Did you find the weapons stockpile or something?|    No, sadly it's even better than that
    Because| you know, you go to the Cadbury's thing,    and it's pretty much on the site of the real factory
    — Yeah|  — You're just one room over
    Well, Lindt have got this little one  that's on an island in one of the rivers|    I forget which German city it is, I do apologize
    And so you go on through,  and they've got the fake little factory bit,    and then there's this big display board about Mr Lindt|    Okay
    Saying, 'da da da| Mr Lindt started this company  in blah blah blah blah in da da da
'    Then the war starts: 'Sadly, Mr Lindt was tragically killed in 1918|'    So it's like, oh, so he went to war, you know
  it was a bombing raid or whatever|    No!
 Mr Lindt died when one of his own  fondant boilers exploded|    Ohhh!
    And covered him in delicious goo!|    — If you're gonna go
!|  — Death by chocolate!
    [Laughter]    And if someone didn't say that at the time|  [Laughter]    'Eh?
 I know it's a little bit soon but, er|'    [Together]  'Death by chocolate?
 Eh?|'    I can hear the damn muted trombone
    ALL: Womp womp womp|    'No, it was horrifically heated caramel, Vicar
'    [Laughter]    'There's a reason the casket is closed|'    'But, er
  Still good!|'    'In death, as in life
 Mr Lindt was delicious|'    [Laughter]    'All right [?
?|], he may now be just  the human equivalent of a Daim bar
'    Oh!| Bad time to take a sip of water, Matt
    'Soft on the outside, crunchy on the inside — Mr Lindt!|'    I almost feel sorry for a man who's been dead  nearly a hundred years now
    A long time ago|    ALL: In a galaxy far, far away
    Galaxy!|    ALL: Heyyy!
    We were talking about the flag of Mars|    Yes
  Is it red?|    Only in part
    Is the red bit red?|    — Yes
  — Ah, there we go|    — Point
 [DING]  — Yaaay!|    Not sure why
    Is the red bit Mars-shaped, i|e
 a circle?|    No, not at all
 It's very much symbolic, and|    Is it a red horizon and then  sort of a black upper band or something?
    Ooh, close to that|    — Blue upper band?
  — Oh, with two stars, the Earth and the Moon?|    — And the sun?
  — No|    I'm going to give you a point for blue band as well
 [DING]    You've got a red band and a blue band|    Oh, okay
    It's a tricolor, like the French flag or the German flag|    Right, okay — what, sideways?
    Sideways|    Red, blue
    Red, blue and green,  after Kim Stanley Robinson's Mars Trilogy|    [DING]  No way!
    No way!|    Red Mars, Green Mars, Blue Mars, in that order,    representing past and possible futures of Mars
    Oh, right, green being when we astroturf it|    
manage to terraform it|    And blue when it has water
 Yes|    Right
 So the green is the bit where we turf it over    and have a country park or something like that —  a picnic area|    Just —  that's where we're going to send all the football
    Because we don't need it here on Earth|    I would disagree
    That is a great, great idea|    
No|    You don't have to agree
  You're welcome to go to Mars too!|    No, no, I will be on the supporters' bus  to Mars and back on a Saturday
    I just like the idea of low-gravity football now|    Mmm, that's got a certain charm to it, hasn't it
    It'd be a sod to control|    You hoof it, and it comes back and hits you in the head
    Well, did you ever play Brazilian football at school,    where you're in the hall,  and off the walls is perfectly valid?|    — Yes, I did, yes, yes
  — I never played that!|    Ah, it's great
 It's a game of football  I can actually get behind|    Imagine that — if we could get one of these floaty
    You know the big fan chambers  where you pretend you're skydiving?|    [Gasps]    — Ohhh!
  — Oh no, you see, I've been to one of them|    You can't control anything in it
    Your bladder?|    Yes
 You have to wear a diaper before you go in|    Tom Scott's Anti-Gravity S***ting
    Nappy, surely|    Tom Scott: Pissing In The Wind
    'Aaaaah!|'    [Together]  'I'm singing in the rain
'    Ohh!| You horrible human beings
    So what's relative gravity on Mars?|    — Er
  — Give me a moment|    — More than the Moon
  — More than a six| It's nearly one-to-one, isn't it?
    It's actually about a third of gravity — 0|37
    — Really?|  — Yeah
    What, less — is it a third|?
    Okay| So I'm going to grasp sketchily here  with my poor knowledge of physics
    but are we now talking about a pitch  that's three times the size    for the ball to come down?|    Or do we just make the ball three times heavier?
    I just think you ask players  to control themselves, quite frankly|    Oh, you make it a game of subtlety and finesse    Yes, and learn the Martian game
    — Oooh|  — Oooh!
    You can tell who actually bothered by football, here|    Because you'd be able to jump higher
    — Ohhh!|  — So, theoretically
    Headers'd be marvelous!|    — I think
  — It's not|    I think with a third gravity you could expect someone    to be able to jump over someone else
    — Yeah|  — I don't think that's an unreasonable
    It'd be like Quidditch!|    I'm just thinking, actually,  we take it back to the futsal thing,    and off the ceiling is perfectly valid
    Oh, you would have to have a ceiling, you're right|    You would have to have a roof, you would
    That solves it, yeah|    It would have to be indoors, and therefore
    Because otherwise you're going to be running for miles  to get the damn ball back|    Yeah
 And a third gravity|    Potentially, I mean, how long could you do  the halfway wall-running thing?
    — Ohhh|  — Under those auspices?
    'I'm just gonna dribble it three feet up  on the wall here past you|' You know
    I wouldn't, no| I wouldn't allow that
  I think you'd| no
    I wouldn't be fine with running up the walls|    — Well, you're not, you're running along the wall
  — What if you had, like, curved|    Oh, yeah!
    Like a velodrome|    Like a half-pipe
 A big half-pipe|    Because you'd be able to get enough speed up  to do these curving runs
    Nah, it's not the spirit|  I think people would just have to accept that
    — Oh, yeah!| Because the spirit of the game
  — Not in the spirit of the game!|    The spirit of the game is on Mars
    Is on Mars| Yes
    Well, I think that Mars City,  as they will undoubtedly be known|    or United, there may be two teams
  It may be able to support two teams, I don't know|    would inevitably have a home advantage
    The Mars Derby!|    The Mars Derby would be the
    No, they wouldn't have home advantage|    Don't forget that the original premise is,    we're shipping every one of the buggers up there!
    Oh no, I was just thinking of starting a|  of having a team up there and
    Nope!| Ship 'em all off
 Goodbye!|    One hell of an away trip
    It'd be a bit like when QPR had astroturfed the pitch,    everyone said they had an unfair advantage|    I think it'd be the same with Mars United
    I think they would have an unfair advantage|    Because they'd have all the breathing apparatus
    GARY: They would| They would
    Like Arnie in Total Recall|    I tell you what, the away attendances  would be shocking, wouldn't they
    When you're a few years|    'And it's a very lifeless crowd here today
'  [Laughter]    When you're a few years down the line, though,  we'd have people who'd grown up on Mars,    who are presumably taller, more adapted to gravity|    — Like, at that point
  — They couldn't transfer to the Earth game, could they|    — They wouldn't have the muscle tone
  — No|    They'd look at us as a race of  semi-evolved dwarfs, wouldn't they?
    Which is why I think we should just nuke Mars now|    And just nip this in the bud
    Get the first dibs in|    What you're saying is, we should just  fire a Mars at Mars now
    Yes| I think we really should
    And leave the Freddos where they are|    They've suffered enough
    'Eat nougaty death, ye Martian bastards!|'    I'm just thinking
  because there's the idea of 'Rods from God'|    Yes!
 Hyper-accelerated Mars bar|    — Boomf
  — Yeah!| Whoomp!
    Rods from God — do you know the concept?|    The idea that the only space weapon you really need    is a big titanium rod just sitting on a satellite,    and then when you're over the city you want,  you just drop it
    Poor Titanium Rod, sat up there on his own|    I'd like to see if you could get, like,  Rod Stewart and drop him on
    — Yes|  — Ha!
    [Sings]  'Baaaby Jane|'    No, that's more
    That's more psychological warfare|  You parachute him in, still alive
    'My name is Titanium Rod|'    'And I, ironically, am the man  who's in charge of the titanium rods
'    When it arrives it has as much kinetic energy  as an atomic bomb would|    And it levels the city
    And all you need to do is  get the thing up there in the first place|    — How would you do that?
  — 'All you need to do,' yeah|    *Someone* will drop one, won't they,  while they're up there
    'Ooop!| Bugger
'    — Ohhh|  — 'Oh, there she goes
'    'Oh, s***|'    'Hello?
 Is this Chicago?|  I've, er, got some bad news
'    There's actually a thing that would prevent both|    You know, a legal thing that prevents both  the development of weapons like that,    *and* it's the reason the flag of Mars isn't official
    Does anyone know what it is?|    Who owns Mars?
    Bet they've sold off plots of it  like they have on the Moon|    Yeah
    They absolutely have, but again,  this is the thing that prevents it|    — Does anyone know what the
?|  — No
    The International Treaty on  Not Being a Dick About Mars|    I'm going to give you a point
  It's the Outer Space Treaty|    Yeah, Interstellar Treaty
    [DING]  Yeah|    The Outer Space Treaty  bans weapons of mass destruction    in orbit, or on the Moon, or anywhere else
    And it also means that all the celestial bodies  are open to mankind|    Did anyone tell China about that?
    Yeah, it'll presumably last  until someone actually lands there|    — Yeah
 'Now it's ours|'  — At which point
 yes|    Could you take a medical titanium rod  into space under that pretense?
    That's what happened with the supergun, isn't it?|    — Yeah, it was
  — The supergun?|    After the ban on NBC for Iraq
    Nuclear, Biological, Chemical, yeah|    After the ban for that in Iraq,  he started building an enormous
    Er, 'he'|    Saddam commissioned  an enormous conventional gun,    with a bore of about a metre, I think
    I think the basic thought was,  'If I can't have biological and chemical weapons,    'I'll make the biggest, f***-off-est gun I can|'    Yeah
 They've got a piece in|    Project Babylon
    — Oh cool!|  — Heya
    [Matt] It fires gardens!|  [Laughter]    The whole thing sort of fell apart, and whatever else,    but they've got a section of the barrel  in Duxford Air Museum
    I think it was Duxford — anyway|    '
barrel length of 46 metres'|    — Aww yeah
  — And that was the baby one, the first one|    I'm looking around, looking at it
  'Made in Sheffield'|    Yeah
    No way!|  [Laughter]    It was a company called Forgemasters, if I don't forget
    — Yeah|  — If I remember rightly, that were
    It does say here, 'The metal tubes|  were purchased from firms in the United Kingdom,    '
including Sheffield Forgemasters|'    That's it
 And if you're going to have a steel company,    you call it something like that|    — Sheffield Forgemasters, yeah
  — Forgemasters!|    Well, basically, they were told it was drainage pipe    that they were making,  *with a bore on it* in the middle
    'Yeah, we like to rifle our s***  so it gets away from the cities faster|'    [Laughter]    Just get right in the groove there!
  Ptoom| Whoof!
    'Were there any bullets left in the gun?|'    'No, sir
 By the time we got there, they'd been rifled|'    [Laughter and groans]    Yeah, Big Babylon was meant to be a one
    Ha!| Sorry — 'Big Babylon'!
    |a one-metre-bore supergun
    A space gun| It would shoot into
    Oh, low orbit and then drop back down, yeah|    I seem to remember they got
    It was an MP or someone,  the guy that basically rumbled the whole thing|    Yeah
    Didn't he come up with the great phrase of,    'They said it was a sewage pipe, but how come it had  a thumping great muzzle on the end?|'    Well, there's some lovely commentary here, that
    'Neither of these devices could be elevated or trained,  making them useless for direct military purposes|'    You couldn't aim them
    — You just shot at *something*|  — Yes
    I think you vaguely aim at something in the distance,    and whatever it hits on, you go,  'See?| We could move it
'    And it's also immobile,    which means it had the same  problem as Germany's V-3:    You can bomb it|    It's there
    It's five hundred feet long|    You're not going to miss that, are you?
    You're not going to miss that|    You can see it from Mars
    I'll just fill the barrel with chocolate and watch it explode|    'Right, we've filled it with fondant, lads
'    'Next time it goes off,  it's Mr Lindt all over again!|'    There is somewhere on Earth  where the Mars flag is flying right now
    Kim Stanley Robinson's back yard|    Somewhere it's officially flying, by governmental decree
    Is it the same as another country's flag?|    — No, not at all
  — Okay|    I'm going to get bone obvious
    Are we saying something like Nasa    or the European Space Agency or something like that?|    It's one of their facilities, yes
    The Flashline Mars Arctic Research Station —  which is a great name|    — Yes!
  — Oh, okay|    Does anyone want to take a guess where that is?
    — In the Arctic|  — Is it in the Arctic?
    Point| [DING] Absolutely
    [Laughter]  It's not a guess| You told us the answer
    Oh|  It's in the name!
    Is the Flashline Arctic Research Station in the Arctic?|    No!
 It's in Venezuela|    I just read the name!
    I just| I read the name
 I didn't|  [Laughter]    
didn't notice|    I thought that was intentional!
    Keeping the point though!|    There have been a couple of other fictional Mars flags
    This is the one that's sort of vaguely acceptable    Does anyone want to take a guess  what they might have been,    and where they might have been?|    Red background and blue letters: 'Mars'
    You know what, you are so close|    [Laughter]  Oh, okay
    — No way|  — It's not actually
    It's red lettering| it's red on a white background
    Yeah?|    And it's not quite 'Mars' but it's something very similar
    This is from Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land|    I've not read that one
  I've read some Heinlein but not that one|    It was simply the symbol for Mars:    the male symbol, the circle with an arrow
    — Ahhh|  — Ohh
    The side effect of that being, you are essentially  just planting a sign that says, 'MEN!|'    What a surprise!
 From Heinlein!|    Er, yes, good point
    Basically you'd be planting a flag that's got  Austin Powers' medallion on it|    Yes
 Mojo symbol|    And meanwhile on Venus,    there is a flag that is just literally
    There's a flag that's on fire|    Briefly, before it's destroyed
    Well, you say that|  There was a plan that someone came up with    to colonize the upper atmosphere of Venus
    So what, fully orbital?|    Everyone just has to tread water
    No, because the upper atmosphere  is about atmospheric pressure|    It's toxic air, but if it's at atmospheric pressure  and you get a leak,    'Oh
 I will walk up and I will seal the leak|'    Put some Blu-Tack in it
    The temperature's about habitable,  the pressure's about habitable|    So if you can keep a giant balloon up there,    and the atmosphere is dense enough  that you could do that,    because our air is lighter,    you could theoretically have a bubble, just sitting
    Just a bubble city|    Yeah
    Cool!|    Mind you, that titanium rod program  is coming on a treat
    Actually, going back to the earlier part of this conversation,    could you get a chocolate bar that could do that?|    I think reentry might pose a problem for a Mars bar
    What if it were in a wrapper?|    — What, like Eminem?
  — Yeah| [Laughs]    So what you're espousing is,    putting a Mars bar in like, a round  that will burn up perfectly through reentry
    GARY: Yeeeup|    Leaving you with a solid Mars bar,  which will then refreeze in the upper atmosphere
    Correct|    Slowly defrost slightly, and then
    Well, it's not going to be as damaging,  but I like the way you're thinking|    Yeah
    That's the ultimate middle finger, isn't it?|    [American accent] 'Well, I do believe we are  gonna attack you with nuclear weapons
'    'Ooh!| Mars bar!
'    'Nuclear weapons?| F*** that
  We can take you down with a Mars bar|'    'Gentlemen, I have an announcement
    'I have a Yorkie strategically positioned    'over the major centres of the world|'    Actually, yeah, that is your weapon of choice
    Unless you can afford some of that posh dark chocolate|    But I don't think the Swiss'd sell it to you
    I don't think they'd do it| So yeah, basically the
    The weapon of choice for Britain  in the space chocolate arms race    — |has to be the Yorkie
  — Has to be the Yorkie, yeah|    I know the Swiss'd be wheeling out  the Toblerone and all that,    but if you've got to keep up with the arms race,    we'd just put up a fruit and nut one
    [Laughter]    Also I'm now just —  with you saying the fruit and nut,    I'm now channeling the start of Flash Gordon|    [Laughter]  TOM: Oh yeah
    'Hot sultanas!| Hot hazelnuts!
'    'Most effective, Your Majesty|'    'Fudge sauce
'    Just going around trying to catch it all with ice cream|    [Laughter]    'Sir, are you destroying the Earth or making a dessert?
'    Both|    Little from Column A, little from Column B
    'But how many will die as a result of this attack?|'    'Hundreds-and-thousands
'    Yes!| You win!
    Tom, he wins!|    I feel we've been building towards that moment  for the whole episode
    Cut| Print
 Let's go home|    At the end of the show, Gary — congratulations, you win
    Er, you've won|    You've won a holiday to a French resort    with Sulu from Star Trek  and the director of Transformers
    It's George Takei and Michael Bay's  Week Away in Saint-Tropez|    [Takei voice] 'Oh my
'    Enjoy that!|    — That's been Matt Gray
  — Bye-bye!|    That's been Gary Brannan
    That's been Chris Joel|    I've been Tom Scott, and we'll see you next time
    That was our show!|    If you liked it, give us a comment and let us know
    And there are more than thirty audio episodes    of our reverse trivia podcast    over at techdif|co
uk|  This is the Technical Difficulties,  we’re playing Citation Needed
    Joining me today, he reads books y'know,  it’s Chris Joel|    Hullo!
    Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,  Gary Brannan|    I--    Let me get the line out, you b******s!
    And standing in for Matt Gray,  stand-up mathematician Matt Parker!|    Always clear all before an important calculation
    In front of me I’ve got an article from Wikipedia  and these folks can’t see it|    Every fact they get right is a point  and a ding    and there's a special prize for particularly  good answers which is
    And today we are talking about  the Flip Flap Railway|    Ay, ah, hah!
    - Hmm| Err
 Erp|  - Wow
    Is this| this is where the word “No”
    if we had an actual railway tunnel,    and there’s a big steam engine  coming down the tunnel    with the word, “no” written on the front  right now|    You’ll notice that sometimes I have my hand  ready over the ding button here
    This is not one of those times|    Er, is it a pneumatic railway?
    |in the south of England?
    Am I right?| Am I wrong?
 I'm wrong|    He’s wrong
    Both flipping and flapping are things railroads  should not do|    Yes
    So this is some kind of disaster|    - No, it’s not a disaster
  - Oh!|    If you got on this railway expecting a normal ride,  something has gone wrong
    Oh, so it’s like a metaphorical railway|    Whoa
 I was going to go for, like, theme park  or something, but I like that better|    And you’d have got the point
 What might  the Flip Flap Railway be?|    Is it a roller coaster?
    Yes, you’re absolutely right|    Is it one of those scenic railways,  the 19th century ones where it would,    rather than like a normal rollercoaster now,  you’ve got all the bits and bobs underneath exposed,    you’d put big panels on  and paint an alpine scene
    So from a distance it would like you were  riding a train up and down mountains    and there’s a guy at the back who acts as  a brakeman to stop the train|    Gaaah!
    The interesting thing about that is:    No|    Can I just say--    But you have successfully got several things  later on that we were going to talk about,    without any questions
 So, yes, absolutely|    What were those really early rollercoasters  called?
 We’re talking 17th century here|    Pushing someone down a hill
    Yeah!|    Yeah, they weren’t called that, but they  were giant slides
    The first ones were just  park benches going down a…|    There’s one in France somewhere, where literally  there was a park bench    and you kind of sat on it sideways and then  it slid down a hill    and it was terrifyingly dangerous
    The thing is now when we hear the phrase,  “a park bench”    we just think of Matt and Tom sliding sideways  down a hill on a very poorly fixed one|    Yes, there was a gravity track  in Paris in 1812
    - Gravity track!|  - Ohhhh
    And you said brakeman, this was before that|    Before someone thought of  stopping the f***ing thing!
    Are you stuck on them forever?| Just falling  and falling through eternity like Sisyphus    pushing the rock…
!|    Sorry, wrong meeting
    Er, no|    Well, f***!
    What, it wasn’t falling through eternity  for ever?| Really?
    I’m getting sick of his negative attitude  this episode|    Push up a hill, drop back down the hill
    The very early ones were called Russian Mountains|    Oh, I just thought you meant  some Russian mountains
    Well, this is what they originally were|    Russian sled rides on hills of ice that had  been constructed
    So that’s where the name came from, and  they would just|    So, up until the point someone went to Russia  and saw a mountain that had ice on it,    nobody had had the idea of even sitting on  a cart and riding down a steep hill?
    Not specially constructing an ice hill  200 feet tall to slide down|    I’ll grant you, that would be difficult  in Norfolk
    Then you started getting the scenic railways|  Now, you talked about brakemen
    It’s done with a guy at the back who acts  as a brakeman    and just puts the brakes on in the right place,    rather than any kind of retarding device that  you might have on the wheels,    like you would now|    Oh, brilliant!
 So if he decides to let it  all hang out you get a…|    Well if it does that on that height,  everyone’s seeing it, let’s face it
    The brakeman is the opposite of a hype-man|    So instead of someone going, “Yeah!
” there’s  a guy going, “I don’t know|”    “Go steady, or I could make this dead boring  for you
”    You’re right, he is the fun-killer of the  roller coaster world isn’t he?|    “Not that!
 Too much fun| There we are…
”    “No, everybody be calm|”    There is also something here in America that  is an early rollercoaster    that is called the  Mauch Chunk Switchback Railway
    I both trust and utterly distrust that ride|    I’m just trying to imagine who thought the  word “chunk” was a good word to put
    Well, that’s the name of the place where  it was| This was a nine mile track
    Oh!| I don’t know what it is,  but we’re going
    - Smash cut right now|  - Special!
    Is it just some old railway?|    It was one of the very first permanent railways  in America
    Is it like that bit in Indiana Jones 2?|    Go on, press it!
 Go on, I saw you go…|    Yeah, I did, because this is 1827, so what  didn’t they have for this railway?
    Power!|    Harrison Ford!
    Just|    Lucasfilm special effects
    Chris gets the point| Yes, they didn’t have that
  Obviously, gravity, they can get cars down,    how do they get the cars back up?|    Gert big men shoving up
    Er, you’re close|    Whoever’s on the ride next
    You say ride| This, to start off with, was  just genuinely a railway to move coal
    Oh, someone would have managed  to sneak onto that|    Yes, you’re absolutely right
    When there was down-time people would just  sneak onto it and ride the cars down,    but how do they get the cars back up?|    I guess it’s not a loaded-car-pulls-down-an-empty-car  scenario here?
    No, no|    Levitation
    Hosses!|    Yes!
 You’re absolutely right, mules|    But they would send down enough cars and then  they would send down the mules
    - In the car?|  - In the car
    - In the car|  - That's very good
    - They get a ride!|  - And in fact yes, have a point
    - Their little ears…|  - That’s probably not how they felt about it, Gary
    Yeah, but the first time they’re like  “what the hell is all this”,    we all would be, but then they’d be like,  “Fantastic|”    They’d be going down and their little ears'd  be flapping in the wind, all like that…
    I think you’ve chronically misunderstood  what it is to be a mule, my friend|    And there’s a bloke halfway down doing a  drawing of it    so they can buy it when they get to the bottom  as a souvenir of the day
    There’s always the smart mule    who works out where the etching guy is so  they can make a face|    I reckon people saw the mules come off going,    “they look pretty excited, I’m having  a go on that”
    That is basically what happened|    I don’t think it was the mules there,    but it was people going  “this is an exciting ride”
    “This is fun wasted on mules”, basically|    And then someone else went,  well, we can charge for this    when there’s not enough coal to move
    Or mules to play with|    Or
    Steady|    Lonely country town, let's say
    That was basically the  world’s first roller coaster|    Someone sat on the back of one of the mules  as it goes down
    “This is f***ing awesome!|”    That is Indiana Jones,  just a century too early
    Nah, that’s Slim Pickens riding the bomb!|    Dr Strangelove with a mule in the compartment
    Sadly that has now been dismantled|    There is a trail there you can walk down,    but I imagine that’s not the same
    Ironically a trail there you could ride a  mule down,    which is worse for all concerned,  isn’t it?|    You could, or you could ride a mule down on  a little wagon with some wheels
    Oh my God, yeah| 
Wagon Wheels?|    They’re just going to go squishy
    They’d overheat and get flat spots!|    Yes, they’re smaller than they used to be  anyway
    You can’t trust a marshmallow bearing|    Can’t, no
    Just overheat and then  you’d get decent speed|    Jam lubricant's all well and good up to 50mph,  but once you go over that
    Yeah| You’re looking for a  stout marmalade aren’t you?
    Something fine-cut though|    Oh yeah, you don’t want the bits in it
    You can’t have a coarse shred,  it'll get jammed|    Oh absolutely, absolutely
    Marmite is your breakfast lubricant of choice  isn’t it?|    Yes, but it burns up quickly
    It does and gives off quite the odour|    And woe betide the man who uses Branston!
    For breakfast?|    Matt, for God’s sake interrupt, you’ve  been going like this for about two minutes
    Yeah, but I go,  “okay, I think they’re finished”,    Oh no, there’s more| Yes
 No, they’ve  peaked now| No, they haven’t…
    I was just going to say, but then I realised  I was going to give actual advice, saying,    “use Maltesers as bearings”  then went that’s just a practical…|
    Oh yes, yes, you could have a race couldn’t you?|  You could have a bearing race!
    I’ve misunderstood this conversation, yes,  yes, if you’re actually going to do it…|    Yes, Maltesers in
    Chocolate finger, Maltesers…|    What’s the outer race though?
    Oh, that’s a good point|    Doughnut!
    I’m just going to point out for anyone not  in the UK that Wagon Wheels    are a type a big chocolate round biscuit,  so|    - They look a bit like the wheel off a wagon
  - They’re awful|    If your wagon were about yea-high
    No, they’re smaller than that|    Yea-high…
    There we go|    So we had the Mauch Chunk Switchback,  which is arguably the first rollercoaster…
    For donkeys|    We had the Russian mountains which could also  be early roller coasters, that sort of thing
    By the point that we had the Flip Flap Railway,    there was this idea that you might want to  get in a car that careened down a hill|    What was the Flip Flap Railway adding to that?
    Flapping|    Flipping
    It wasn’t an early attempt to do a loop-the-loop  or something?|    Spot on
    - Oh my god|  - It was the first loop-the-loop in America
    And they got the shape wrong?|    Yes!
    Were they lured in by the easy appeal of a  nice circle?|    Yes, they were, would you like to tell us  some more about this?
    Oh, they didn’t think about having a nice, consistent  amount of acceleration on their passengers|    And I bet they were either passing out or  bleeding from the eyeballs by the time…
    Or both!| They’re not mutually exclusive
    Those poor donkeys|    You see I thought they’d go too slow and  it’d get to the top    and they’d stop and all the donkeys would  fall out
    Yes| That’s exactly where I was going next
    No, because the problem is, right, the amount  pushing you out as you’re turning|    I’m going to be very careful here, or physics  teachers will email me afterwards
    It depends on the rate at which you’re curving,    and so to stop people from falling out at  the top,    because the curvature of a circle is pretty  consistent,    by the time you get to the top you’ve got  to be going bloody fast    to have enough force to keep you in your seat|    Or the mule
    So what you want to actually do is change  the rate at which your loop is curving    to give you extra force where required|    And so you don’t have do it all with speed,  you can do it with curvature instead
    Whereas they tried to do it all with speed  and it didn’t end well|    Yes
 They tried| I’ve already given you  biscuits for that    but I feel like a round of applause is required  for that thing
    No further biscuits will ever be issued|  That wins them all, I think
    A circle is too big, so they use an ellipse  to get you over the top very quickly|    How many Gs were they roughly pulling on this  “centrifugal railway”, as it was called?
    Anything above…| where does it get painful?
  It must be over four|    I think modern roller coasters you can briefly  pull about 5Gs
 Which will|    So they were probably clipping seven or eight,    and that’s going to be very uncomfortable
    Yes, it actually pulled 12Gs|    Oh my God
    Yeah, that’s not good|    Not only is it a circular loop, it’s only  a 25 foot circular loop
    That's|!
    What were some of the issues with riding this?|    Your hat would fly off and you would look  ungentlemanly at the end
    Quite the opposite because if anything your  hat is going to be quite stuck to your head|    Ah, no, it came off on the little hill down  into it, didn’t it?
    Er, no, discomfort and neck injuries from  whiplash|    I wouldn’t put discomfort  first in that list
    “Oh dear|”    Discomfort and now I’m like this, yes
    What did they test this with, by the way?|    This is at Sea Lion Park at  Coney Island, New York
    - Sea lions?|  - Sea lions!
    No|    Seals!
    Irons!|    Okay, not donkeys, not people, not sea lions
    Sh|  A
 N| Other livestock?
    Monkeys|    Of course, the monkeys
    Sandbags and monkeys were put down|    Sorry!
 Sandbag| sandbag
 “shall we throw  some monkeys in while we’re at it?|”    “Ah, g'wan…
 they’ll enjoy it,  the donkeys did|”    Sea Lion Park became Luna Park
  Famous names and all that,    but the Flip Flap Railway was not retained,  why not?|    Was it killing people, perchance?
    Because of its unpopularity and reputation,  but I will give you the point|    It was not something you got on a second time
    For one reason or another|    No-one got to the end and went, “again!
”,  y'know?|    But there is one last legendary theme park  I want to talk about
    Is it Flamingo Land, in|?
    No, it is Action Park in New Jersey|    Oh God, this is ringing bells and I have absolutely  no idea why
 Augh!|    Why might it be legendary, for folks who were  kids in the 1980s in New Jersey?
    Because it killed a million, billion people  in their wave pool or something?|    It hurt a lot of people, certainly
  I’ll give you the point for it|    So, hang on, wait
 Your guess was it killed  a million, billion people    and you’re like, close enough to  “a few people got a bit injured”|    Yeah, like, we're
    The error bars are pretty big  on this show, right?|    The error bars are massive on this show
    Feel free to chuck some ideas in|    And the reason I mention this in particular,    to do with all the other  things we’ve talked about,    is that they had the Cannonball Loop
    Uh oh|    Which is very similar to a few of the things  we’ve talked about,    with one important difference
    In a summer park, in a theme park, what did  they have that was a loop-the-loop?|    They attempted a water-based loop-the-loop
    - Yes, they did|  - Oh, s***
    It was at their water park|    How do you do that, isn’t the water just  going to fall off at the top?
    - Yes|  - And be a shower?
    The thing about water is,  it follows the laws of physics|    Ah
    Yes, you are absolutely right|  It was a looping waterslide
    Not the modern kind, there are a couple of  modern looping water-slides,    they do an interesting kind of curve that  technically takes you over|    This was
    Circle|    That would take off your clothes wouldn’t  it?
    No, the thing about clothes…|    What, it’s really seductive  as you go through the loop
    No, but I thought, is that what happens|    “I see you’ve come to join me in the loop
    “How 'bout we get you out of those wet things?|”    It would certainly…
 having had a couple of  waterslide incidents,    shall we say, moments of unpleasantness|    No, it doesn’t take your clothes off
  Riders were weighed and hosed down with cold water|    What?
    And then instructed how to position their  bodies to complete the ride|    No
 I’m already not getting on this|    You just wanted an excuse to pose,  let’s be honest here
    It was a laugh|    But you get on top of the ride and someone,    before you even get on the ride,  you’re at a water park
    You’re hoping, I assume, to drop into  nice, warm, bath-like water at the end|    The last thing you want is some bloke with  a hose pipe    with a little spray gun on the end going,  “right, arms up
”    They sent some test dummies down first,    what were the reports on what  happened to them?|    They didn’t come down in one,  is what I’m going to guess
    Yes, that’s absolutely right, they were  dismembered on the way down|    And one unfortunate person  at the top of the loop, what happened?
    Their clothes fell off|    Trousers caught on a nail!
 Just hanging there  in space getting showered on|    It was a closed loop
 It was a closed tube|    Oh, they’re in a locked…
    You know, this is the first one you’ve described    where I’m still thinking  “I want a go on this”|    They got stuck at the top and they had to  add a hatch at one point    to remove people who got stuck at the top    and didn’t want to go down the other side
    Yes, because you’re on this surface now,    and as you go down you’re going to have  that sheer drop|    Yes, “shump, clunk, dunk”, carry on
    Yes, there had to be “extractions”, as  it was put here, which is| not great
    So this person got physically stuck as in  they were too large?|    No, they just weren’t going fast enough
    Oh my god|    Employees were offered $100 to test it and  I’m going to quote,    “100 bucks did not buy enough booze  to drown out that memory
”    I’m with Matt, I want a go on this|    At the end of the show, congratulations Matt,  you win this week
    Congratulations|    You win a brand new armoured fighting vehicle    that is actually an old fighting vehicle just  rebooted to look modern
    It’s a JJ Abrams tank|    Ohhh
    So with that we say thank you to Chris Joel,    to Gary Brannan,    and to Matt Parker|    I’ve been Tom Scott  and we’ll see you next time
  This is the Technical Difficulties|  We're playing Citation Needed
    Joining me in the studio today:  He reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!|    [Lapses into gibberish]    Good start
  Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan — Gary Brannan!|    Coherency!
    And the bounciest man on the internet — Matt Gray!|    Hello YouTube
    In front of me I have an article from Wikipedia,  and these folks can't see it|    Every fact they get right gets a point and a ding [DING],    and the special prize for particularly good answers,  which is
    Today's article is:  the flitch of bacon custom|    [Laughter]    Oh yeah!
 Good luck with this one, guys|    Tell me that's not a person
    Tell me that's not a ceremonial position  in the House — in Parliament|    The Black Rod!
 The Flitch of Bacon Custom!|    Oh, excuse me a second
 got a flitch of bacon|    The flitch of bacon
    Is it the custom of the flitch of bacon?|    TOM: Yes it is
    Yeah| Is a flitch an amount, or cut, or volume of bacon?
    Yes!| Have a point
 [DING]    A unit of bacon measure|    It's a fairly thick slab
    Right|    It's basically what you cut up  to make thin rashers of bacon
    CHRIS: Right!|    Okay
 So we're actually talking  proper bacon, and a size of|    TOM: Yes
    Is this something like Fish Slapping Dance?|    ALL: Ohh!
    With a side o' bacon|    Bacon beating!
    Brannan, if you'd care to mime with me|    GARY: Go on
    Comme ça?|    Entire pig
  Boom!| Into the Thames
    Well actually, an entire pig would go, 'OEEEK!|'  as it comes through there
    'Rodents of Unusual Size?| I don't think they exist —'    BOOM!
    Pigs do fly!|    They do if you stick a jet engine on the top of 'em
    Science!|  [Laughter]    'An experiment was carried out,  attaching a small jet engine to —'    I think that oversteps the boundaries  from technical mirthery to animal cruelty
    CHRIS: Pig murder|    Where is the boundary there?
    I think it's the bit where you  strapped a jet engine to a pig|    To be fair, we could use a dead pig
    Just to test the concept|    Wait, wait, wait
    Heat off jet engine — delicious, delicious bacon!|    I'm thinking, yeah, we wrap the outside of the pig    in some fuel that isn't as noxious as jet fuel,    so that when it inevitably crashes
    Boomf!| Instant bacon
    Wait, crackling as well?|    CHRIS: Instant barbecue, yeah
    GARY: The heat you get round the edge  of that'll sort the skin out!|    GARY and MATT: Ohhh
    We just need to sneak onto a runway at Heathrow,    with, I assume, like, a garden fork with a pig on the end,    and we need a military jet with an afterburner|    I don't think we really need an afterburner
    We just need any kind of burner|    A jet engine probably produces  enough heat without an afterburner
    Eh, I'm going for spectacle, to be honest|    The flitch of bacon custom, gentlemen
    Okay, we're talking Ye Olde, aren't we|    Um
 how Ye Olde?|    Medieval?
    14th, 15th century?|    Yeah, I'll give you that
 [DING]    It can be traced back to at least the 14th century,  survived until about the 18th| Have a point
    Is it in this country?|    TOM: Yes
 Very much so|    I'm going to say it's one of the wackier parts  of this fine nation, am I right?
    Yes|    Are we talking southern, the kind of place  where they throw cheese down a hill and chase it,    when, to be honest, you can go to  any old shop and find still cheese?
    It's not quite that violent|    The thrill of the hunt, old man!
  [Laughter]    It's f***ing cheese!|    Who wants an Edam that doesn't fight back?
    I mean, there's someone out there,  bless you in Gloucestershire|    It is in Gloucestershire, isn't it?
    It is in Gloucestershire, the cheese-rolling|    The cheese-rolling
 Someone out there has  f***ed their ankle and goes into hospital,    and years later: 'How did you break your ankle, Daddy?|'    'Well, I was chasing a giant Edam
' or whatever it is|    The Gloucestershire cheese-rolling,  for anyone who doesn't know,    is an event every spring in Gloucestershire    where they get a lot of people at the top  of a hill, chuck a roll of cheese down,    and then everyone just kind of rag-dolls after it
    They say you're meant to run down the hill,  after about ten seconds|    It's less of a run
 it's more of a  windmill-cum-flailing, isn't it|    TOM: Yeah
    Who| who wants a placid, tasteless cheese,    when you can have one that's run wild  and free and developed true taste?
    Do you do that all the time then?|  Do you just go to a supermarket,    get a Müller Crunch Corner and whang it  down a hill because it tastes better?
    It's how you mature them|    CHRIS: Absolutely!
  [Laughter]    By the way, the cheese-rolling thing,  for the last few years|    can you tell me why it's not quite been  as safe as it might have been?
    Er| the land mines
    Yeah, just rolling land mines down|    GARY: There was a mix-up
    CHRIS: Due to cheese shortages|    Chutney explosions
    [Explosion sounds]    Was it still in the cow?|    The answer is that it was official until about 2010
    Then it got banned on grounds for health and safety,  so people just turn up and do it anyway|    CHRIS: Wahey!
    |only without as much medical support
    Oh s***!|    Good on ya, Gloucestershians!
    A long time ago, you asked whether it was down south|    And
 well, sort of|    Is it bottom left?
 Bottom right?|    There's references to it in Essex
    But there's also references to it  in Staffordshire, up near Burton-on-Trent|    So it's all in the South
    Thank you, Yorkshireman| Okay, yes
  By Yorkshire standards, it's in the South|    The South
 where they drink beer wrong  and the tea tastes funny|    Is it that certain local yeomen of certain standing    must donate X much to the local lord    from the first cut of bacon of the year or
    That's what I was going to go with|    No, it's bacon that is given to someone
    And to be honest, there's only one person at this table  who would be eligible for it right now|    Married man?
    Married man and his partner, yes|    Hello!
    TOM: Have a point| [DING]    He did say you've got to be virtuous as well, mate
    [Laughter]  Hey, hey, hey, now|    It's given a year and a day after the wedding
    GARY: Cool|    To a man and his wife, because this is  ancient times and it was a man and *his* wife
    GARY: Indeed, yes, yes|    
who can attest to something, after a year and a day|    That they've not 'done it'
    That they've done it every day!|    That's grounds for annulment, not a celebration, Gary
    TOM: You're closer|    Without going over
    MATT: They will produce children|    It's something to do with the marriage
  It's not to do with anything else|    It's something they feel about the marriage
    Divorce?|    No, quite the opposite
    You get your marriage upgraded to a supermarriage|    That's all I can think of!
    It kind of already is, at this point|    You would do it again
  You would recommend it to a friend|    You redo your vows!
    I'm going to give Gary the point| [DING]    That you don't regret it
 That you have  never regretted it in that year and a day|    If you can testify that you —  I'm not going to ask you that question, Gary
    but if you can testify that you have never —    Well, put it this way:  I am due me some bacon!|    [Laughter]    And the other thing is, it's going to get to day 364:    'Yeah, it's been pretty poor, but we want  this bacon, don't we love?
'  'Yeah|'    'But there is a bit of bacon on the way,  so how about we just
'    I think we can land the second year  on the back of the bacon|    GARY: Yeah
    The flitch of bacon was actually referred to  in a very famous book|    Chaucer
    Yeah, absolutely right| Referred to in Chaucer
 [DING]    '|in a way that makes clear the reference  would already be well known to the reader
'    CHRIS: Ah, okay|  TOM: So this is pretty widespread
    Did he do a look down the camera and go,  'Y'know what I mean?|'    It's in the Wife of Bath's prologue
    GARY: Is that the one where the nun farts on them?|    Oh blimey, right
 So he probably did  look down the camera and go,    'If you know what I mean!|'    'The bacon was nat fet for hem, I trowe,  That som men han in Essex at Dunmowe
'    Which is the place that|    TOM: I'm mispronouncing that,  obviously, because Chaucer
    Good effort, old boy| Good effort
    You probably did better than we did|    I'd like to point out that I know nothing about Chaucer
    I just know, that's an old book,  and whenever I say 'Chaucer' I get it right|    [Laughter]  Yeah
 Point, by the way|    CHRIS: Chaucer — point!
    'And thannen he gaven to him a pointe!|'    'And thereof pronounced a ding
'    Ding!|    'A ding from table woode!
'    [Laughter]    'And Biscuits of Mysterie, for foode|'    We got that
    Right| Flitch trials, as they were called —    'Welcome to the 7 O'Clock News
 I'm Flitch Trials|'    Is that like a witch trial?
    'I accuse you of being bacon and  I'm going to have to burn you|'    The best thing is, he's pointing  at a pig when he says that
    CHRIS: [Oinks]    CHRIS: That was the worst pig|  GARY: [Oinks more realistically]    Thank you
 My pig impression was terrible|    TOM: Hold on!
 Gary Brannan impressions: Pig|  GARY: [Oinks]    TOM: Goose
  GARY: [Honks]    TOM: Train|  GARY: [Two-tone horn]    Goose on a train?
    [Horn and roaring engine]    Thank you|    That's not getting old, for some reason
    I love the way that the goose is never just  sat on the train, it always ends up|    
on the train|  [Laughter]    Well, you said 'on'
 You didn't say in what state|    There's a lovely old thing in linguistics,    about mass and count nouns,  the difference between them
    'There was A goose on the train'  versus 'There was goose on the train'|    Yes
    The worst thing is, he's talking about  the copilot from Top Gun|    What are you required to bring along  to a flitch trial to prove that —    Applesauce
    Fair point|    Better question: *Who* are you required to produce?
    Vicar|    TOM: Not quite
    Your mum|    Oh yeah
 Your best man, or something like that|    MATT: Your wife
  CHRIS: Witnesses of some species|    Yup
    GARY: Neighbours|    Point
 [DING] Two of your neighbours  to prove that the oath is true|    Yeah, prove that they haven't had any rows
 Yeah|    That't probably work quite well, actually
    Well, in a lot of these kind of cases,    working as I do with these kind of things to do with —    Gonna say, can we get an archivist shout here?|    Yeah, in a lot of these kind of  non-consummation cases or adultery,    a lot of the evidence comes from neighbours,    who have obviously been peeping out the back window  and going, 'Ooh, that's not the missus
'    So assuming you win the flitch of bacon|    What happens?
 You get the bacon, and then|?
    Feast for friends and family!|    A grand ceremony
 [DING]    With 'trompets, tabourets,  and other manoir of mynstralcie'|    That's what you'd expect, I'd imagine,  for that kind of size of thing?
    But you'd be doing that a lot|    I was going to say, there's a lot of  weddings we're talking about here
    Have we just got pigs and pigs and pigs,  and minstrels knackered from playing every day?|    Well, this is the thing
 It doesn't seem  to have been claimed all that often|    Oh, it's one of these things that's on the books  but you've got to ask for it, right?
    TOM: Yup|  CHRIS: Yeah
    How many times is the famous flitch at Dunmow  known to have been claimed?|    I'm going to say really low,  like four or five or something like that
    MATT: Fifteen|    I'm going to split the difference and say nine
    I'm going to give Gary the point| Six
    Really|    Six that we know about
 [DING]    When was it repealed?|    Um, it sort of fell apart in the 15th, 16th century  dissolution of the monasteries around then
    GARY: Okay, yeah|    But it was revived in Victorian times, of course
    Natch| In their quest for anything Ye Olde  to legitimize everything
    TOM and CHRIS: Yup|    Can you still do it now?
    I'm going to say|    Probably
    I don't know, maybe if you pay for the bacon  or something like that, I can see|    I could just go to the butcher's and pay for bacon
    No, but you know what I mean|    You can have the ceremony,  but you must purchase a flitch of bacon
    CHRIS: Yeah|    You can actually go every four years
    Once every four years, every leap year in Dunmow,    there is the Dunmow Flitch Trials Committee|    Like it
    TOM: Complete with jury|    Next one's in 2016
    If it was me, I would be trying to plan my wedding then,  so I could claim the bacon|    To land it on
    I've now looked up the official one here|    The next one will be on the 9th of July, 2016,    because there is a website, of course,  for the Dunmow Flitch Trials
    GARY: Natch|  CHRIS: Yeah
    There is a list of the successful claimants  going all the way back to 1445|    Good work
    And they've also awarded flitches to a couple of couples|  Who might that be?
    Charles and Diana|    Point
 [DING] In fact|    Charles and Diana got the flitch
    Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson  just got a copy of the Flitch Oath|    What's the Flitch Oath?
    'I pledge allegiance to this bacon  what you have given me| Ta
'    'In a twelve months time and a day /  Repented not in thought in any way'|    Ohhh
    Which is actually a fairly strong oath to take|    GARY: Yeah, that is, yeah
    You've never, ever wandered at any point  during that year and a day|    Don't forget the medieval fear of Hell and Church  and damnation and everything else there, yeah
    Yes| That's actually a serious oath to take
    So you can still do it, if any one of us  got married at some point in 2015|    And that is about all there is to it
    So it does continue|  They have patrons who are providing the bacon,    and making sure it continues,  and is one of these ridiculous —    Bacon patrons!
    We salute you, butchers!|    
ridiculous British traditions  that continues on to this day|    Good!
    At the end of the show,  congratulations Gary, you win|    YES!
    You win a gift certificate for the shop  owned by a Treasure Hunt skyrunner,    which sells small rodents, pests that live in hair,  and adult magazines|    It's Mice, Lice and Vice by Anneka Rice
    So enjoy that gift certificate|    I'm starting to run out of these jokes,  do suggest some more
    That one was good!| It just built and built and built
    So no, no| Respect
    TOM: In the meantime, thank you to Chris Joel|    TOM: To Gary Brannan
    TOM: To Matt Gray|  MATT: Bye!
    I've been Tom Scott|  We'll see you next time
    Today's show is sponsored by  the new STI board game|    Hungry Hungry Herpes
    |It's the tune that Blur did  that landed on Mars with Beagle 2
    It didn't land — well, it did land!|    It landed!
    It landed at high velocity!| Downwards
    I know there's a thin line  between 'landing' and 'impact', but|    I tell that to the wife all the time
    The one thing I do know about Wolverhampton,  they've got battered chips|    Oooh
    Eh?|    Two very different reactions there
    I went,  [Disappointed] 'Ohh|'    Matt went, 'Yep, yep, I'll have that
'    Yeah| I'm with Matt on this
  This is the Technical Difficulties,  we're playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today, he reads books you know,  it's Chris Joel
    [MUFFLED BY COFFEE] Hello|    Drinking coffee
 I timed that really|    Prioritise, prioritise baby
    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan|    And so the man says to the lady, "I'll have another go, but I don't know if I can fit another bread roll up my ass!
"    Now, now the question is,  I know Gary was planning to prep lines for this series|    And the bounciest man on the Internet, Matt Gray    Series five
 Welcome!|    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING]|    And there's a special prize for a particularly good answers, which is ♫[MYSTERY BISCUITS]♫    If you've never watched this before,  you're in for a treat
    Every season we get new people| You
 oh my God, the s*** you are about to endure| Let's face it
    Today we are talking about the hydraulic telegraph|    Holy moly!
 That's a wet telegram|    I, erm, well I'll give you a point
  There is water involved|    Well yes, there is f***ing water involved!
    IT'S HYDRAULIC!|    I'm a moron, I know nothing about science
    It's all pissing witchcraft, even I know that bit!|    And you are still getting a point for it
 [DING]    Well I won't moan too much then|    "Stand in front of the  nozzle to receive your message
"    On that point|    "Aunt Mildred says hello, but I don't  want to tell you what she's been up to
"    On that point yesterday, I genuinely,  this is a genuine story|    I saw a coach company called Morse Coaches
 Right?|    That's good
    It was reversing, but I couldn't understand why the beeping noise was just saying 'S' repeatedly|    It was probably just saying 'eeeeee'!
    The thing is, we all pedanted  your Morse code there, in different ways|    He's like, "that's E"
  I'm like, "no that's T, that's a long one"|    Surely it could say "Warning!
 This vehicle is reversing!|" in Morse, is what I was what I was thinking
    People wouldn't move out of the way|  They would be too busy trying to read it
    W| A
 R| N
 [THUD]    You committed to that hit there|    I did
 I did, I did, I did, yeah|    It wasn't Morse code
    Not any version of it|    Flags!
    Little tin flags or something|  Metal flags that would pop up
    So it spells out the message|    You're thinking of the optical telegraph
    I'm thinking of an optical telegraph powered by water, thank you very much|    Ooh!
 I'm going to give you a point for that| [DING]    - Ooh!
  - Fountains?|    No
    No| How would you
  There are flags and there is water|    And this is
  First of all, let me clue you in|    And there are shoes!
  And there are boxes|    And there are houses
  And there are doors|    And orang-utans
    There are also oranges|    Today we have the handle on nouns
    - There are two versions of this|  - Hello children
    Welcome along|    Today we are learning about things
    Today we are learning about flags|    And there is water
    And shoes|    And there are antelope
    Goodbye|  We'll see you next week
    Goodbye|    I don't think we can really explain what Tom is though, without adjectives
    Are you done(?|)    Probably not,  but you know, have another go
    That's the most exasperated look you've ever done|    "Are you done, children(?
)"    Anyway|    Is it some kind of coastal system for getting  messages out into the water, by sending
    different pressures to pop up things,  that would spell out a message?|    Yeah, I'll give you the point there [DING]
    - I'll definitely give you the point|  - So it's Pop Up Pirate, but telegraph?
    Sounds like it, yeah|    When do you think this was?
    19th century| Everything was iron and hydraulic then
    - Right|  - Ooh, steady
    This is not the version we are talking about| There is a 19th century version
 Again, I'll give you a point [DING]|    But, I'm going to come to that later
    Is this the mid 90s version in Eureka, in Halifax?|    Ooh!
    I mean|    Northern reference
    I get| I went there
    Specific northern reference|    - We all went
  - We all went as kids, to Eureka    It's still there as far as I know|    - It is still there
  - But I didn't know they had a hydraulic telegraph?|    Neither do I, but if there was  somewhere that would have one
    They had a massive Archimedes screw on the ceiling|    Lucky Archimedes
    Wait!| We are talking about Archimedes,  we are pretty much in the right area
    Ah!| So Greco-Roman    Yeah!
 Fourth century BC Greece|    Yeah!
 [DING] Point|    I'm trying to imagine a fourth century Greece
  I'm just trying to put Greased Lightning into Latin,    and I'm failing badly, at the minute|    Well if you can't none of us have got a chance
    Hang on, hang on| He's studied Latin
    Classical education|    It's been more than a decade since  I got my GCSE in Latin now
    Can you manage, "I've got chills, they're multiplying"?|    Probably not
    - Habeat|  - Yes
    Chillea|?
    Er|    - Frig
 frig|  - Expandero!
    Habeat frigits| frigidare-something
    Et saeu| erm, multiplicanus
 Or something like that|    Multiplicanus est
 Yeah| Yeah
    Corrections in the comments,  for all of you YouTube watchers who know Latin|    So
 Ancient Greece    Yes|    There are two signal towers, on two hills
  With two identical tubs of water|    How do they get them to  both show the same message?
    Inscriptions on the side of the tub of water|  How do they get them to synchronise?
    Gentle and well timed piddling?|    Oh, I'm so tempted to give you a point
    Gentle and well timed horse piddling|    No, they're not putting water in
    Gentle Piddling is a village isn't it?|    It's in the Cotswolds
    You're thinking of  Much-Piddling-on-the-Wold, there|    They let some out?
 They let some water  out with a tap or something like that|    Yes, a spigot
    [DING] Ooh!| What else!
    And did they have a tube from the bottom of one,  to the bottom of the other?| So it auto levelled
    No| That's the British system that comes later
  So I'll give you a point [DING]|    But, that's not how they synchronised  between two far away hills
    Men yelling?|    Mobile phones?
    No, it can't be something else,  because the water is the communication method|    Or is that storing the message?
    Hang on, we never actually established that  this water is any method of communication|    At the minute we just have two towers  that let some water out occasionally
    Yeah, and there's things inscribed on little bowls|    - OK
  - Where the water comes out|    So how do you get both sides to time when they're  taking the plug out and putting it back in again?
    Lights?|    Mmm, fourth century BC?
    Candles?|    I mean it's a big candle
    Fire!| Bonfire!
    There we go| [DING]    - 'Cos that's the way they used to communicate anyway
  - Big candle|    Big candle!
 Bonfire|    "Big candle!
"    Why the water?| They lit fires anyway
    Because a bonfire can only send one signal|    "I'm on fire!
"    "By, it's warm out t'day!|"    It can send two signals
    "I'm not on fire|"    - That's true
  - On and off|    Yeah, well that's how they did it
 [DING]    Binary|    Unplug
 Off| Put it back in
 What's the message?|  You both read down your bowls
    Bowl says "I'm on fire!|"    Must be a big bowl
    They said an earthenware bowl|  The depth being some three cubits
    What the hell is a cubit?|    -- It's about there
  -- There to there, innit?|    Oh!
 Yes, absolutely| Have a point
 [DING] I was going to look up 'cubit definition' there, but that's roughly right|    - Has he got two dancing cubits?
  - Those are my cubits, baby!|    Oh God!
    So yeah, about| yea big
 and presumably draining quite slowly so they can synchronise|    "Please send chips", or whatever
  the Greek equivalent of that is|    Pita!
    Yeah|    Half way down, one of them is  just that laughing and crying emoji
    Drama!|    "LOL
"    Smiling poo|    It's halfway between ROFL and LOL
  I don't know where we stand on this?|    ROL
    He's sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth a bit|    No, its not that, it's like anything where you use LOL    You see it reach LOL on the watermark,  you look over, he's just sat there, doing that
    - Slight intake of breath|  - You just see
    I don't know why I had this ancient  Greek man looking at his phone|    Cause that's what they used to communicate, I just said!
    LOL has fallen out of fashion now  though| It is just emojis now
    People don't type LOL as much|    The amount
 it's one of those kind of things, isn't it,    where people who aren't used to emojis yet,  keep using the laughing and crying one|    - For actual crying
  - Yeah!|    Which changes the tone of a message, like    "I'm sorry to hear your aunt's died
"    And then have the crying with laughter emoji on it|    Well, it's like the parents who  thought LOL meant lots of love
    Yes!| That happened
 Yeah, yeah, yeah|    "Sorry to hear you broke your ankle, LOL
"    But|    That's like MSN messenger was
    Remember MSN Messenger, everybody?|    No they don't!
 Some of them are too young for it!|    It was like Facebook messenger
only s***er|    You would wait all night for your  friend to appear, and they may not
    So there was an idea|    As I think you said, British 19th century
    Yes|    For two connected tubes
    ♫ Tu-u-bes!| ♫    I don't know why I said it like that    ♫ Tubes
 ♫    Um, and the idea was, you would put in water or take  out water and it would synchronise at the other side|    What were some of the problems with that system?
    Putting the tube in, in the first place?|    I'll give you a point
 [DING] It was £200 a mile|  Which in 1838 money, is a lot of money
    Compared to just sending a messenger|    They would have to be made out of  copper or something expensive
    - Oh yeah|  - Rather than just PVC tube from Wickes
    Yeah|    - That's a hardware store
  - Cast iron was often used for hydraulic tubes|    'Cos they could take the pressure
    What distance are we talking?|  Are we talking like over a dock, or over London?
    Cause London was basically hydraulically  powered up until the 1920s|    Oh that's true
    London had a big hydraulic power system|    So, if it's over London
    You should explain how that works|    Well you just had big accumulators
 So big  towers would be used to store the pressure|    And it would be used for moving lifts,  for goods lifts, for cranes
    It would be powered off a  central hydraulic power system|    - Cool
  - With pipes all over London|    And they're still
  I think they're used as cable runs now|    Under London
 It was a huge London wide system| Especially using the docks, with dock gates,    and cranes and lifts and other things that need
  powering left and hither and yon|    Like dumb waiters in hotels
    So they just have a massive water tank  at the centre of the system, that created|    Well several tanks, yeah
    |created the pressure
 That gets pumped through|    And you can use some pressure if you wanted?
    Yeah!|    For the love of God, will somebody Biscuits that man!
    ♫[MYSTERY BISCUITS]♫    That's fair| That's fair, thank you  for reminding me to Biscuit that
    First Biscuits of the season|    Yes, that was part of the problem
    The inventor was a Mr| Francis Whishaw
    - Uh-huh|  - Of course
    A good Victorian inventor's name|    "No sooner is motion given to one end
"    Poo!|    Eh, readers?
    than it is communicated through the whole sixty yards to the other end of the column|    - F*** a duck!
  - So you might as well wave|    So when I said distance  was the problem, you could just yell
    You could just yell, yeah|    When you said hydraulic telegraph,  when I was forgetting hydraulic meant water,    but remembered it was tubes of stuff,    I was thinking of the, the, the
    -- Steady!|  -- Good mime
 Good mime|    "Tell me about your mother
"    The blowy tubes they had|    Vacuum tubes
    Yes|    Sorry, sucky tubes
    Pneumatic tubes|    Pneumatic is the right word
 Yes|    They had a whole system of telegraph through
    Yeah, you just had| you could, you had one
    You had a tube with air going one way and  air going the other and you put a thing and| pfoom!
    -- Still use them|  -- All round London
    There was atmospheric trains as well|    There was a whole, that was like the  Victorian way of powering things was to
    Hyperloop?|    I don't know what that is
 Is that|    No, hyperloop is magnetic induction
    But it's inside a vacuum tube|    Inside a vacuum
    Oh, this was just a vacuum|  It was like a tube carriage, with like, erm
    A shield round it in the middle|  That would act as a piston
    You would just put them in and|    - Shove 'em
  - And foomp!|    You would basically release air at one end and foomp!
    And you would be just sucked through in a tube carriage| And then you just appear at the other end
    Hoping no one would be there|    You would be in a container
 You would be in a train here, it's not people|    -- Container!
  -- It's not the thing from Futurama|    Oh
    But, at the same time on that, you'd be hoping no one opened the window for a fag| Wouldn't you, eh?
    Woosh!|    Like the end of Goldfinger, only underground
    Erm, but they were above ground atmospheric  trains as well| Because you would have a big
    pneumatic tube up the middle  of the lines| Again with an, erm
    A piston underneath, that would suck  the train along| But the problem was
    I'm just loving all these hand actions|    What you would have is that they use some kind of coating on the rubber and it was really attractive to rats
    So they ate it, and you'd lose the pressure|    Ah, you lose your back pressure
    And probably the rats would, at some point,  get smeared into the wall by a passing|    And the rod and tube would get full  of imploded, er
 kerploded rats|    And they might even lubricate the system
    - Ahh!| I'm not so, not so
  - Briefly!|    Briefly as they disintegrate
    So the hydraulic telegraph,  what were the other problems?|    We have distance not being particularly good
    Cost|    We have cost
 Yep| What's the other problem if you've got water that needs to be kept level, between two
    Science!|    Water always finds its own level
    Oh, right| OK
 So you need two places that are at the same height, for it to balance out properly| Won't you?
    Yes|    You couldn't do it from  the top of a hill to the bottom of a hill
    - No, because otherwise|  - It would just flow out
    What you invented there, is a fountain|    Ohh, I was going to say water slide, actually personally
    OK, Yeah, water slide communication would work|    - Woohoohoo hoo!
  - That's the best way to transmit a message|    "The British are attacking!
    "What you have to do, Paul Revere,  is you have to start on top of this hill|    "Go down the slide once if by land,  and twice if by sea
"    "Once!|    "Hang on, he's going back up again
    "He might just have forgot his towel|"    "Have ye done?
"    "Can't hear him, have to wait now| If he  comes down again, we've no idea, have we?
"    "He's gone up four times now!| He's just being greedy
"    "His message appears to be 'Wheeee!|'"    "Woohoo hooo!
"    I'm just seeing stuff like the D-Day landing, with  soldiers coming off little slides off the end of boats|    "Whee!
"    Wouldn't that make war so much more jolly?|    "Woohoo hooo!
"    I mean there's a lot of ways  to make war more jolly| I think
    Like not doing it|    Yeah!
 Not killing people, would be a start|    "Send in the jesters!
"    A machine gun that fires out  signal flags that just say "bang"!|    At the end of the show then,  congratulations, Gary
 You win this week!|    You win an intimate waxing by a legendary six-time Grammy winning American composer
    Go on|    It's the Burt Bacharach Back Crack and Sack
    So, congratulations| With that  we say thank you to Chris Joel
    Bye!|    To Gary Brannan
    And to Matt Gray|    Goodbye, YouTube
    I've been Tom Scott, and we'll see you next time!|    [Translating these subtitles?
 Add your name here!|]  This is the Technical Difficulties
  We're playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today:  He reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!
    Hiyo|    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan — Gary Brannan!
    [To the tune of 'Born Free']  'Porn free| as free as your mam blows
'    And the bounciest man on this stage — Matt Gray!|    Hello you
 lot!|    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia  and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    And there's a special prize for  particularly good answers, which is|    [Audience sings]    ALL: Oh yeah
    GARY: What have we done?|    And today, we are talking about  the Ice Block Expedition of 1959
    Is this like King Cnut holding back the tide?|    Trying to stop it melting by sheer force of will?
    MATT: Who's Will?|    Well, this is the problem with the expedition
    They couldn't find enough people called  Bill, Will and William or Willis to take along,    which is why it's failed,  which is why the ice caps are still melting|    MATT: Oh
    Well, that's called, they all have bread-making  hands and they're all too warm|    You need them to be pastry hands to do that,  they're all cold, don't you
    TOM: What?|!
    Oh, for the love of f***!| Look
    If you've got 'bread-making hands',  you've got warm hands,    because you need warm hands to activate the yeast|    If you've got cold hands, you've got  'pastry-making hands',    because that keeps the pastry cold  and the butter doesn't melt
    |dickhead
    [Laughter]    So if you've got bread-making hands,  you can melt dickheads?|    GARY: Yes
    CHRIS: Is it like a superpower?|  GARY: Go!
    Yaargh!|    S***test superhero ever
    Bread-Making Hand Man!|    Bellend Melter!
    Somebody'd pay for that, you know that, don't you?|    This was a publicity stunt
    In fact, it was called the biggest  publicity stunt the world had ever seen|    MATT: Was this a beverage company trying to serve  their drinks with 'Arctic Ice!
' or something like that?|    TOM: I'm going to give you a point for 'arctic ice'
  [DING]    TOM: Because it was starting from —    This is a 'no', isn't it| But I'm getting a point somehow
    That's like a teacher at school|    'Yes
?| Has anyone else got any suggestions?
'    You're right about arctic ice|  But it was not a beverage company
    Was it one of these mad things, where they were  going to, like, irrigate the Kalahari or something?|    [DING]    Get in!
    It wasn't irrigation,    but it was an attempt to get an ice block  from the Arctic Circle to the equator|    MATT: For the lolz
    For the publicity|    Just get a cool box!
    CHRIS: How big's your cool box?|  I mean, I know you eat a lot of pies, but
    So what kind of company would  want to do a publicity stunt    by moving ice all that distance over land to the equator?|    CHRIS: Over land?
!|    TOM: Over land
  MATT: Over land?|    GARY: A fridge company
    CHRIS: Haulage company|  GARY: To show the beneficiary of
    Or asbestos company, to show  how good the asbestos is|    [DING] It's not asbestos, but it's insulation
    You keep giving us points and  saying it's not what we said!|    It's a Norwegian insulation company
    I'm going to give you a point, because if there  wasn't asbestos in that, I'll be very surprised|    And frankly, if there is asbestos in it,  *they* will have been very surprised
    [Laughter]    Not until about 25 years later, I'll guess|    It was made from glass wool
 Made from fibreglass|    GARY: Glass wool
    This was inspired by a radio station|    In 1958, which radio station would  have put up a challenge like that?
    [Posh voice]  The BBC World Service|    TOM: Very much the opposite
    The ITV World Service|    [Applause]    Brought up in the '80s!
    What would the ITV World Service be?|    Because that's basically just Keith Lemon
    It's Ant & Dec|    To be fair, that sounds like something ITV  and Ant & Dec would do now, wouldn't they
    'We're gonna transport a block of ice to the equator, live!|'    Stripped over two weeks' worth and  you'd vote off which bit of ice you don't like
    Any ITV commissioners: 25 percent, yeah?|    Now, you say it's a radio station
    [Pirate voice]  May it have been, yarrr, one that be on a boat?|    Well, it was certainly beyond our borders
    It was Radio Luxembourg|    ALL: Ohh
    Who launched a challenge to transport three tons  of ice from the Arctic Circle to the equator|    MATT: 'Let's say this, and see if anyone does it!
'    [DING]    GARY: And then it's one of those awful things,    GARY: |where someone turns up on your doorstep  with three tons of ice from the Arctic
    [DING]  [Laughter]    MATT: [American radio voice]  'Wacky Radio Challenge!|'    [Idiotic laughter]    TOM: What was the prize they were  going to award for this?
    [Radio voice]  A car!|    Someone who works in radio
    A s***load of tonic|    [Laughter]    I mean, you could buy that with this
    GARY: 'Free drinks all round!|'    *More* ice
    [Laughter]    One million dollars|    Oh
    [DING]    One hundred thousand francs —    GARY: You're doing it again!|  [Laughter]    No, no, I'm getting there
    'No|' Ding!
  What is this?|!
    |per kilo that made it to the Arctic
    CHRIS: Whoa|  GARY: Ahhh
    So theoretically, that was anything up to|    three hundred million francs,  if I've done my maths right
    But if someone actually managed  to get the three tons of ice there,    and suddenly, oh, an insulation  company's got involved|    They started being very worried
    How did they get the ice out of the Arctic?|  Did it take a digger or something?
    MATT: You know when you've got an ice lolly,  and you lick one bit and it goes in?|    MATT: They're just licking it into squares
    [Laughter]    GARY: Tons of Norwegian men — hands and knees|    [Laughter]    Can you not do that while you're sat next to me?
    [Wolf whistle from audience]    [Laughter]    Your mam's in!|    They actually got it out from a glacier in 200-kilo blocks
    What do you use to remove that much ice?|    MATT: Spoon!
  GARY: Big f***in' hammers!|    Um, no
 no|    Chainsaw
    [DING]    [Applause]    I knew you'd get that, because you  have a chainsaw license, don't you?|    Not since October
    ALL: Awww|    And you're all slightly safer in your beds
    [Laughter]    But when we had that absinthe and chainsaw night  last week, you told me you were fully qualified!|    CHRIS: Once you're drunk, you don't need to be qualified
    It all becomes much more natural|    To be fair, I don't think Leatherface from the  horror movies really had a license for that
    It's not a requirement|    You see what happened?
  You see what happened?|!
    That's fair| That's fair
    Is that like Al Capone?| Is that what they got him on?
    So yes| 200-kilo blocks,    melted together to make a single  block of ice weighing 3,050 kilos
    Now, I'm setting this up specifically for Gary:    What was the container they  constructed for it made from?|    GARY: IRON
  TOM: Correct!| [DING]    There's two little squirrels in my head
    One was saying, 'Say iron!|'  The other was saying, 'Say anything else!
'    'Wool!|'    They placed it on top of a truck that would carry it  all the way to the equator, accompanied by what?
    Two of every animal!|    Gin!
 In a big tanker behind it|    That's fair
  A film crew, sadly|    Where did they go?
 They started —    CHRIS: South|  MATT: The equator
    Well, yes, okay|    GARY: Point!
 Point!|    I'm not giving you a point for that
    They started near —  well, they started in the Arctic Circle|    MATT: Where?
 Norway Arctic?|    Norway, yes
    Oh| Cheating bastards!
    How is that cheating?|    I don't know
 I had this thing that they'd gone  all the way to the North Pole and done it|    No, Arctic Circle to equator
    Oh, of course, right| In my head I had an image of  an iron tank with the North Pole sticking out at the top
    CHRIS: I was going to say|    You can just get a budget flight to the Arctic
    Yeah!|    Yeah, but can you imagine the  carry-on fees for three tons of ice?
    Slice it| One in each seat
    Just have refrigerated pockets on  a fishing vest and take it bit by bit|    TOM: That's how you get past Ryanair charges, isn't it
    Yeah, yeah| You just wear all the ice
    So the first stop was Oslo,  which seems a sensible place|    What would be needed near the equator,  at Libreville, where they finished?
    Food|    Not quite
 Certainly something that was  needed for people who lived there|    GARY: Fish
  CHRIS: Jam|    MATT: Vaccines and medicines
    TOM: Matt gets the point| Absolutely right
 [DING]    300 kilos of medicines|    Obviously, they can keep them cold
 They've got ice|    Oh God!
 I didn't think of using  the ice to transport something|    I just thought you meant something else  that was along for the ride
    No, medicines go off in the heat,  so suddenly, they had a lot of ice|    Within it, was there a horror from beyond time  that had yet to be unfrozen as well?
    Half a flying saucer|    Not even stopped, just carried on cutting with  the chainsaw
 'Ah, ****, there's another one|'    I hate to set the joke up, but your mum's in
    GARY: Heyyy!|    Okay, right, no
    Oh, she is in!| All right then
    What happened in Belgium?|    The customs!
    Yep| Absolutely right
 [DING]  What did they not have?|    Ice
    CHRIS: Right|  [Laughter]    A license to carry ice
    TOM: Yep| Absolutely right
 [DING]  GARY: What?|!
    They didn't have a customs declaration for it|    [Applause]    Concealed carry for an ice cube
    [Old-fashioned bobby voice]  'Sorry, sir, I can see you are dripping, there|'    Yeah
 Absolutely right| There was no  customs declaration for the ice
    What?| The
 the|    You can see it!
    It's tons of ice!|    TOM: How do you solve something like that?
    MATT: Melt it!|    GARY: Disguise it as a circus
    No, just a moustache and a stick-on nose|    'And this is Steve
'    [Ice creaking noise]    'Hurry up, Steve!|'    GARY: 'He don't say much
'    No, a customs official just accompanied them  all the way, so officially it never entered Belgium|    To make sure they didn't import illegal ice
    Yes|    Wait, wait, wait
    What if a Belgian ran up and had a lick?|    [Laughter]  What is it with me and licking?
!|    You should see me in the freezer
    You *shouldn't* see me in the freezer|  [Laughter]    That's why you're banned from Iceland, isn't it
    Both the country and the supermarket|    Can you imagine the recursive nature  if they had a branch of Iceland in Iceland?
    TOM: Well, they'd just call it England, and it's just|    The freezers don't work, and everything's  twice as expensive as it was a month ago
    GARY: Heyyy!| Satire
    They got to Paris|    The crew were invited to dine with
?|    [French accent] The president
    TOM: Er, the mayor| I'll give you a point, it's close enough
  [DING]    No, it's f***ing not!|    [Laughter]    Gary
    On the scale of civic dignitaries|    TOM: Do you want the point?
    I don't want bulls*** points|    Down at the bottom you have mayor
 Up here you have  le Président| I was talking the cheese, by the way
    Having dinner with, not of|    Yeah
    The mayor!| The president!
    God's sake!| Never get *you*  into international diplomacy
    TOM: I think none of us should ever be  in international diplomacy, Gary|    Fair cop
 Yeah|    Yes
 From Paris they continued to Marseilles, and  it was lifted aboard a freighter that sailed to Algiers|    How much water had melted  by the point they got to the Sahara?
    Er|    CHRIS: None
 Ice melts into water|    [Applause]    [DING]    Go for the Biscuit one over there
    You're not having Biscuits for that!|    How much ice had melted by  the time they got it to the Sahara?
    Twenty percent|    An Nth
    Ah, that's a good fraction| You can't lose there
    Can't be wrong now|    Er
 well, Gary wins, so|    Well, thing is, no, you were actually closer
  It was only four litres|    Out of all of that, less than one thousandth
    I didn't actually say anything| Did nobody notice that?
    You said zero, so you're closer|    Yeah, but I said an Nth!
 That's undefinable|    Have we got any mathematicians in?
    Of course we've got some mathematicians in|  Who gets the point?
    AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Chris|    Chris gets the point!
    Bastard|    [Applause]    What were the instructions they got  as they went across the Sahara?
    'Go west|'    [Laughter]    [Sings]  Life is peaceful there
    Matt, I know you're not good at directions|    If he was doing directions, he'd have said, 'Go right
'    CHRIS: Or left|    What was the main danger in the Sahara at that point?
    Being shot|    Yet again, Chris
 [DING] Absolutely right|    GARY: Was there a war on?
    There was| There were 'forces hiding in the mountains'
    MATT: Did we start it?|    TOM: Huh?
  MATT: Did we start it?|    CHRIS: We weren't even alive, Matt
  I don't think any of us could have started it|    The advice was, 'No stops, drive for your lives,  even if you get a flat tire
'    Cool!|    You see, they don't have that in the driving test, do they?
    Maybe if you go to Saharan Africa they do|    To be fair, there was a wonderful question —  because I did my theory test last year,    and one of the questions is,    'What do you do if you are driving through a tunnel,    but your car is on fire
'    [Laughter]    '|but your car is still drivable?
'    MATT: Get the f*** out of the tunnel|    TOM: Yes!
 You're absolutely right|    If your car is drivable, get out, because  otherwise you're going to kill other people
    I'm going to be dead honest, and I don't  want that to happen to anybody ever|    but s***, that'd look good
    Just gunning out of a tunnel in flames,  with you going, 'Ha ha!| I'm doing good!
'    Yeah, but it's when you're listening to Matt Monro  and there's a bulldozer at the far end anyway|    MATT: You're going to have to
    Wow| Five people here have seen The Italian Job
 Okay|    So you've driven your burning car out of the tunnel
    Then you've got to somehow get out of it  with the most panache you can|    I wouldn't be worried about panache at that point
    As we all know, the driving test is rated on  style, control, damage and aggression, so|    [Laughter and applause]    Okay, so just for the reference:  Italian Job — no
 Robot Wars — yes|    That's fine
    GARY: We've found their level|    MATT: Can I ask a question?
  TOM: Yes|    What were we talking about?
    [Laughter]    Because I can't remember|    TOM: They were crossing the Sahara  on the Ice Block Expedition of 1959
    They had taken a block of ice from the Arctic Circle,    They'd made it to the Sahara|  They met a tribe that lived there
    TOM: And how did they greet them?|  What did they give them for, er
    MATT: Hugs|  GARY: Water pistol fight
    Bit one-sided, but you know|    TOM: You're close
    Water|    Yes
 Absolutely right| [DING]  They gave the camels water from the container
    Um, the commentary|    Did a camel get his tongue stuck to the big  block of ice while they were doing it?
    I believe they had a small spigot  on the bottom that could drain the —    Oh, good use of the word 'spigot', Tom|    What would be in the water, given what it's insulated in?
    Oh, fibreglass|    Yes
 [DING]    But in the entire trip across the Arctic,  they lost| how much water?
    GARY: Eight litres|    MATT: Ten
    A camel's worth|    Chris gets it
 96 litres| [DING]    It's about a camel's worth
 That feels about right|    And who did they meet?
  We're looking for a very famous physician|    MATT: Doctor Jones?
 Doctor Jones?|    Aqua?
    Aqua!|    What I like is that you could hear the ripple  of people getting that as it spread about
    No| Albert Schweitzer
    I have never heard that phrase|    That rings a bell for some reason, but I don't know why
    TOM: 'A French-German theologian,  organist, philosopher, and physician|'    Is 'organist' a subcategory of physician?
    TOM: What did Norway send to Schweitzer's hospital?|    [Arnold Schwarzenegger voice]  Supplies
    TOM: I mean| okay, I'll need you  to narrow that down a bit
    Because the water melted| some fish to swim in it?
    TOM: Oh| You're
  [DING]    No, piss off!|    Gary, you keep accidentally saying  something that's close enough
    What would Norway send?| Half a ton of fish
    But what kind?| What kind of
?|    Pickled herring
    [Click]  CHRIS: That didn't go off|    TOM: [DING] There we go
    TOM: Close enough| Klippfisk
    Oh no, that's —    TOM: That actually got an 'Urrgh!|' from someone  who has clearly eaten that, in the audience
    Dried and salted cod|    GARY: He's in the middle of the Sahara
  TOM: Yup|    He's got a doctor's surgery in the middle of the Sahara
    And Norway thinks it's —    TOM: Er, no, it's Gabon|  So they're already a bit south of there
    But Norway thinks it's cool to send a load of  very salty fish to a very dry part of the world|    Yep
    What utter bellends|    [Laughter]    I bet that'd smell nice in 50-degree heat
    'But what's in the box?| We've been  waiting for months for this!
'    Clunk| 'JESUS CHRIST!
'    'What is wrong with them?|!
'    First of all, they made it|  That's the important thing
 They got there|    It was called 'the greatest publicity stunt of all time'
    They delivered 90 percent of that ice,  without melting, to Libreville|    A representative of the insulation company  met them in Libreville
    MATT: Didn't he go with them?|    No, having taken the short route
    GARY: Coward|    He was a friend of someone
  And we talked about him earlier,    and you got a point despite the fact you shouldn't have|    The mayor of Paris?
    [Laughter and applause]    TOM: That was|    GARY: Squirrel One: 'Say answer!
'  Squirrel Two|    That was a half-court shot, and it sailed  through the air, and it sailed through the air
    and then it just bounced off the rim|    Tom, never use the phrase 'off the rim' in my presence
    TOM: Anyone else want to get the point for that?|    MATT: Ze president
    [DING] Absolutely right| President Charles de Gaulle  was a friend of that representative
    Ahh, mais oui|    Did he fly there?
    What|?
    CHRIS: Airport, mate|  TOM: De Gaulle, oh my God
    Just let it run|    [Applause]    TOM: Yes
    He came with an offer|    What did the representative of that  company say to the expedition    that had got all the way there, got that ice,  got it there almost entirely intact?
    'What time d'you call this?|'    'Could you just pop it back up to Paris for us?
'    [DING]    He said that if the crew were willing  to drive it back to Paris,    the president himself would receive them  under the Arc de Triomphe|    'Receive' is not a euphemism in that particular case
    Or so you think!|    What did they say to that offer?
    GARY: Nah|    [DING] Absolutely right
    They were exhausted| They said no
  They said, that is it|    They flew home, they left the ice there with the citizens
    And it was called 'the greatest publicity stunt of all time'|    Did they then go around Radio Luxembourg's  front door, and rap on the door with a bill?
    TOM: Radio Luxembourg withdrew the offer|    What?
!|  Utter f***ers!
    Before the expedition set off|    What utter f***ers!
 Imagine that!|    You've got there, 'Radio Luxembourg?
 I believe I'm rich?|'    To be fair, they did withdraw it before the  expedition set off, when it was being planned
    They said they were just joking,  that wasn't what they had in mind|    A radio show has never done that before!
    And on that note|  everyone here gets free Mystery Biscuits!
    [Cheering]    Good luck|    On that
 congratulations Gary, you win this show!|    [Applause]    GARY: Okay
 I'm bracing| bracing
 Go on|    You win a tour round a giant underground laboratory,    designed to accelerate flatulence  close to the speed of light
    GARY: No, no, no|  No no no no no
    TOM: It's a farticle accelerator|    With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel!
    To Gary Brannan!|    To Matt Gray!
    I've been Tom Scott,    and we will see you after we walk off, pretend it's  the end of the show and walk back on again!|    [Applause]  
from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it|    Every fact they get p-- pfh-- pfft
 damn it!|    Ohhhh!
    It just started to get away from me|    I've also just gozzed all over my screen
    - Gozzed?|  - Gozzed!
    I'm from Nottinghamshire!|    And 1995
    In front of me I've got an article fromf--    Aaaa-hahaha!|    - W****r
  - Take a breather|    Have a sip of water
    - And when you're ready|  - Then you'll be ready to start
    Okay?|    - Right
  - You've got this one|    Sorry
    In front of me|    - We'll behave
  - I just thought|    WILL YOU STOP IT!
    Do you know, we've done that so many times,    and it's much funnier when there's an audience|    Usually it's just us three laughing at him
    In a kitchen|    Now you can all join in too
    Okay, we'll behave|    Badly
    Consistently badly|    We've got to be out on time for this one
    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia,  and these folks can't see it|  Matt: Hi, I'm Matt
    Tom: and I'm Tom|    Matt: and this is the Park Bench!
    Tom: except we're|    Tom: we're, we're not on a park bench
    Matt: No, we moved|    Tom: It's over there
 *points*    Tom: You took a shot from up there actually, with me waving|    Tom: This is a breakwater
    Matt: In Sheerness    Tom: Shheeerness    Matt: We've gone from Shenley,    Matt: in our previous videos,    Matt: To Sheerness|    Matt: Did I just whistle with that!
?|    Tom: I think you just whistled with that, I'm not sure how because you can't whistle like that, but, well done!
    Matt: Shheeerness    Tom: Which is where we came to film the SS Richard Montgomery,    Tom: And if you haven't seen that video, it is linked on a card, just there!|    Matt: and we can actually see it over there
    Tom: We can but|    Tom: This is the thing
    Tom: because| lies
    Tom: Lies of Lenses|    Tom: Which is what we wanted to come over here and talk about, and you are the expert on
    Matt: Now, we filmed that from really, quite far away|    Tom: Yes
 Yeah|    Matt: Just to get a nicer shot of it [the boat]
    Matt: Now the problem is, something far of in the distance; is little tiny!|    [Tom Laughing]    Tom: Small
 Far away!|    Tom: Small
 Father Ted reference, Google it|    Matt: So to try and make it so then it looks
 larger in relation to Tom so that he can gesture at it|    Tom: I'm sorry, I thought you were hesitating to go to some really technical term,    Tom: and it was the word "larger"
    [Laughter]    Matt: I would like to point out that we are filming this at the end of the day that we filmed the other one|    Tom: Yeah, it's been a long day
    Tom: So|    Matt: We wanted it to appear larger in the frame next to Tom so he can gesture at it
    Tom: Yes, and we can't get close to the boat| A) because there is an exclusion zone around it and B) because it's a mile and a half off-shore from Sheerness
    Matt & Tom: Shhhheeerness| Tom: where we are
    Tom: and two miles away from where we filmed on the Isle of Grain|    Tom: So your choice is either;    Tom: Somehow hire a boat, and get a stabalised camera
    Tom: or rent a really big lense!|    Matt: Telephoto lenses, have the property in that they collapse the frame
    Tom: Yeah| Matt: They collapse the frame    Tom: That's the
 that's the term, yeah|    Tom: But, that means if I was standing where I normally am for a shot like this and the boats in the background,    Tom: all your going to see is this little bit of my face zoomed in incredible and out of focus
    Matt: Because we hired a 100 to 400 camera lens, I'd normally use a 24 - 105|    Tom: I don't know what those numbers mean
    Matt: It's the length, generally, the focal length|    Tom: Oh right, ok
    Matt: So we got some dogs coming up|    [Laughing]    Tom: Focal
 Focal length, right|    Matt: Ummmmmmmmm
    Matt: Definitely doggie time|    [Tom Laughs]    Matt: Hello Doggies
    [Matt Laughing]    Matt [To Dog Owner]: Nah, it's fine|    Tom: It’s not fine, you don’t like dogs
    Matt: No, I can’t f*cking stand them|    [Laughing]    Matt: But if we will, we’ll film on the beach
    Tom: So your choice is hire a really expensive lens, or film with a regular lens which is somehow    Tom: recording in 16K resolution and crop and crop and crop and crop and crop|    Tom: I actually took a shot from how far away you were from me filming that
    Matt: Oh, I took one the other day and I Instragramed it|    Matt: With my big camera in the way, and a tiny little Tom in the corner
    Tom: So, we’ll have cut to both of those, so I’ll have to circle you because it will looks like your camouflaged hidden in the middle of some bushes|    Matt: Wasn’t I wearing a bright blue coat?
    Tom: OK, apart from that bit|    [Matt Laughs]    Tom: But
    Tom: This is kind of the lies of filming|    Tom: Because anything like this, anytime you see someone standing next to the statue of Liberty, I’ve done that shot,    Tom: Urrrr, for something that didn’t make it to YouTube
 Um,    Tom: I've done that shot|    Tom: I am not standing next to the statue of Liberty
 I'm standing on Battery Park at the end of Manhattan|    Tom: The statue of Liberty is 3 miles away from me,    Tom: and there is someone with an incredibly long lens at the other end of Battery Park,    Tom: and I am standing there at the end of New York,    Tom: just kind of talking
 It was the same here,    Tom: I'm standing on the Breakwater, talking to nothing|    [Matt Laughs]    Tom: Because you're, what?
 How long away?|    Tom: 100 metres, 200 metres?
    Matt: Yeah|    Tom: Yeah
    Tom: And I mean| You're fine, you've got a camera, it's obvious what you're doing
    Tom: You're lurking in the bushes with a long lens camera|    [Tom Laughs]    Matt: I was
    Matt: I| I was
    [Matt Laughs]    Matt: Now, the other effect of those lenses as you'll see in the video, if you have watched it,    Matt: is that| Urrrrmmmm
 The depth of field changes as well|    Tom: Mmhhmmm    Matt: The focus, its the slice of the frame between the camera and the action
    Matt: Helps if I point the mic at me, really|    Matt: The slice of the frame between the camera and the action that's in focus becomes smaller the more you zoom in    Matt: with a Telephoto lens
    Tom: So a narrow depth of field gives you that gorgeous shot where you have the subject in focus and the background blurry|    Matt: So, you'll see Tom is, should be in glorious focus, I haven't checked the footage
    [Matt & Tom Laugh]    Matt: and then, you'll be able to see the boat larger, but a little bit blurrier|    Matt: But you can get the, you can get the jist
    Tom: Yeah, sometimes you want that effect, sometimes you don't|    Tom: Like, urr, iPhone, GoPro, everything like that    Tom: by default will try and keep as much in focus as reasonably possible
    Tom: Because, you don't have time to set up your shots|    Matt: Yeah
    Tom: This| There was a long period of me standing on that cold, brale, ur not brale, wha?
 What do you call that?|    Tom: Sea defense?
 Matt: Sea defense?|    Tom: Sea defense
  Matt: Yeah|    Tom: And I was just standing there, watching people going 'ah, Hello!
'    Matt: I can see da fence (Sounds like sea defense)|    Tom: Ohh, it's, it's, it's de thing at de end of de beach
 Yes|    [Matt Laughs]    Tom: Well done
    [Matt continues laughing]    Matt: Long day|    Tom: Yeah
    Tom: The other thing, the other reason why you'll know about lenses, even if you know nothing about photography,    Tom: is that you will know the vertigo shot, the Alfred Hitchco (Hitchcock) Dolly Pull Shot|    Tom: Ugh, Alfred Hitchco?
 He's French all of a sudden|    Matt: Hissshhccoo    [Matt Laughs]    Tom: The Alfred Hitchcock Dolly Pull Vertigo Shot
    Matt: Which is when you    Matt: It's    Matt: The shot, the person in frame stays at the same point in the frame, but the background just sort of    Matt: whooshes away or flattens or compresses|    Tom: It's the moment from Jaws where he thinks he sees the shark attack,    Tom: and the whole world kind of collapses in on him, it's the moment from Alfred Hitchcock, where the whole    Tom: worlds like 'Woaaaaahhh can't see a
' as the worlds spinning around him|    Matt: And they do that by putting a camera on a dolly,    Tom: Yeah
    Matt: Urr, so a, urr, a track that moves back and forth|    Matt: And they zoom in or out while it moves backwards and forwards
    Tom: Yeah, so what you're seeing there, if you know that shot,    Tom: and I'm sure there is a GIF, i can past in here somewhere|    Tom: Umm, is
    Tom: That's the difference between zoom, and moving the camera|    Tom: Zooming - You're cropping, but keeping it looking good    Tom: Moving the camera - You're actually, physically moving, small
 far away| small
 far away|    Tom: But, the reason I call it lies, is because    Tom: that ship is not actually that close to the shore
 I mean, it is, everything in that video is true|    Tom: If the worst case, the worst case scenario is the largest non-nuclear explosion in history and literally    Tom: If that was to happen right now
  Matt: I would not want to be sitting right here|    Tom: No, you would hear a 'Boom' and we'd go 'WHAT THE
'    Tom: No, you wouldn't because| sound delay
    Tom: You'd see a flash, we'd go 'WHAT THE|'    Tom: And before we could start to swear,    Tom: That's it
 We're gone, and, urr,    Tom: Somewhere between, urr, charred and evaporated | Matt: No, they wouldn't even see that because we wouldn't have uploaded it
 If you see this footage, the ship has not gone up|    Matt: Yet
    Tom: Spoilers|    [Matt Laughs] Tom: Urrrrrmmm    Tom: Urm
 All that is true|    Tom: But, if you actually take a photo of the ship from where I was, which I did, again, I'm going to have to circle it
    Tom: From where we are, it actually looks fairly close|    Tom: It looks, looks reasonably
 That could| That could kill us
 But on camera|    Tom: It doesn't
    Matt: When you try and take a photo of a plane | Tom: I was just about to say that
    Matt: Where is it?|    [Matt Laughs]    Tom: Or the Moon
    Tom: You see the Moon rising and you go 'Awww, that's a good| oh
'    Tom: Oh|    Matt: Lenses
 don't work as well as your eyes|    Tom: Yes
    Matt: You're eyes are f*cking amazing|    [Tom Laughs]    Tom: Yeah, that's fair
    Tom: If you want to see why I bleeped that, we've got a video about that|    [Matt & Tom Laugh]    Tom: Yeah
    Tom: Because your eyes only see a tiny, tiny amount, your brain fills in rest|    Tom: So,    Tom: So, you think you're seeing a lot, a lot, *a lot* better than you are
    Tom: Whereas, with a camera, its like, well this is terrible|    Matt: It's because your brain is a lot better at processing it than a camera is
    Tom: If you take the time to frame the shots you can, you can lie about all sorts of things| You can
    Tom: You can make something look a lot closer than it is, or a lot further away or|    Tom: just nicer    Tom: Because I guarantee you, this place looks a bit better on camera because of the
 the|    Tom: I'm sure Sheerness is lovely
    Matt: And we're here on a cold, windy|    Tom: Yeah, winters, winters day
    Tom: And it reminds me, what does it remind you of?|    Tom: Anglesea?
    Tom: The Wirral?|    Tom: No, the Isle of Grain is The Wirral
    Tom: I hate the Wirral|    Tom: Sorry to anyone who lives on the Wirral, at one point, I'll have to explain why I hate the Wirral
    [Matt Laughs]    Matt: 'The Wirral' is not a phrase you say near him|    [Matt Laughs]    Tom: [Sighs] Don't like the bloody Wirral
    Tom: Do not like the Wirral|    Matt: He's not even acting, he just acts likes this anyway
    [Matt & Tom Laugh]    Matt: This whole areas got the whole flat, not barren, it's a|    Tom: Yeah, It's industrial
 It's, it's a little bit worn down|    Tom: But
    Tom: We've sat on the prettiest bit we could find, with the ocean behind us, well the estuary behind us|    Tom: On a, on a calm day
    Tom: And it's turned out quite nice|    Tom: Unfortunately, Sheerness, that's mostly lies
    [Matt Laughs]    Tom: Sorry| I'd, I'd say sorry to Sheerness, but it's not like I'm ever going to come back here
    Tom: I may regret, I may live to regret that| [Matt Laughs]    Tom: I'm probably gonna live to regret that
    Tom: Sorry Sheerness|    Matt: What's happening with my hair?
    Tom: I don't| and mine
 I need a hair cut|    Tom: Like I've need a hair cut for a long
    Matt: I was going to have on last night, but then Ben & Jerry's happened|    [Tom Laughs]    Tom: I was going to have one but I
 I still need to do a pickup shot for something I filmed|    Tom: and I can't get a hair
 [Mat interrupts with "Arrrrrrrrr ahahaha"]    Tom: I can't get a hair cut until I've done that thing, again, not something for YouTube, but I can't do the pickup shot, urm, the haircut until    Tom: I've done the pickup shot because otherwise, I will walk out of one frame, and walk in another with less hair|    [Matt Laughs]  This is the Technical Difficulties, we're  playing Citation Needed
    Joining me today, he reads books you know,  it's Chris Joel!|    Hello
    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan!|    "And so the waitress asked, 'super sex'?
    "And the vicar said, 'I didn't realise there  was a choice!|'"    - I ****ed that one up
  - Yeah, you have|    The punchline is 'super sex'
 Come back to  me!| I'll try that again!
    This week's closing gag will  be pr-- bep-- brpp--    I can talk|    Ooh!
 "I can talk!|"    You can talk
    What?| Ooh, it's all gone a bit meta
    - Shall we start again?|  - Yes!
    I've lost my line now!| I'll make something  up, it'll be fine
    This is the Technical Difficulties, we're  playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today, he reads books you know,  it's Chris Joel!
    Hello!|    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan!
    Join me in my underground expedition to Noel  Edmonds' secret filing cabinet|    And the bounciest man on the internet,  Matt Gray!
    Today's show is sponsored by the word 'contrived'|    Ooh!
 Ooh!| Commentary!
 Ooh!| Satire!
    Wow!| Zings off the room, that one!
    Ow!| I don't feel good about myself at all!
    Has anyone got any burn cream?|    I'm going to go around the horn again, if  that's OK!
    "The horn"!|    This is the Technical
 did you just fart?|    No!
    "Well, could you?|"    "Could you?
 Would you mind awfully|    "I think it would just break the atmosphere
"    "Just turn round, and when it gets to you|"    Let's go for it
 We're wasting mirth here|    I'm not sure we are!
    This is the Technical Difficulties, we're  playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today, he reads books you know,  it's Chris Joel!
    Third time's a charm!|    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan!
    Join me in my secret exhibsts| oh for ****'s sake!
  Today's show is sponsored by  Sean Bean's Invasion Team:    "Lancashire's ****ed|"    This is the Technical Difficulties
  We're playing Citation Needed|    I have an almost randomly selected article    from everybody's favorite reliable source of knowledge, Wikipedia,    And these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    And there's a special prize for  particularly good answers which is:    — Oh yeah!|  — Oh my
    And today's article is: the Newgate Novel|    Ooh!
 We've gone highbrow all of a sudden|    We have
 Yes|    I'll put on my best smoking jacket and clever cravat
    — Clever cravat?|  — Clever crav
?|    Is that like an iCravat?
    "Cravat?| Cravat, quickly, it's the pub quiz
"    Right, Newgate|  Is this something to do with the prison by any chance?
    Er| to an extent
 Yes|    In that it's to do with the prison or not?
    Not quite|    Straight answers please, nobhead
    It's based on something called  the "Newgate Calendar",    Which is| it's connected to prisons
  It's connected to criminals|    Is it an execution calendar?
    Yes| It was originally a monthly bulletin of executions
    I'll give you a point for that| [DING]    It's what would be known as the calendar of prisoners,    of those who are due to be tried  or indeed executed later in the year
    But it got turned into something else|    A sixteen-part TV series starring
    Daniel Craig, Sean Bean and Alex Kingston|    This is mid-18th century here, so
    Yeah, and?|    
Little bit earlier|    So Sean Bean could've still been in it
    Sean Bean's in it|    It's a weekly series of plays
    So it wasn't the short-lived opponent  to Babestation then?|    Ohh!
    No| Not even close
    Mid-18th century strumpets asking for letters|    That's basically just a classified ad  in the back of the London Gazette
    With a slightly lewd picture,    and a mailbox to send your money to|    A coffee house to pop round  and talk through a screen to someone
    "Please make way to the coffee house  and ask for the back room|    "Charge: three guineas
"    Yeah, when you get there it's a|    a complete glass thing so you can't go in
    And there's a little flap you can open  for a pound a minute to talk to people|    Oo-er!
  [Laughter]    Oh for crying out loud!|    A flap for a pound a minute!
    Jesus| Where do you go?
    So what did the Newgate calendar turn into?|    It was originally just a diary or bulletin of executions
    London's top tourist attraction|    It isn't the London Dungeon, no
    But it kind of had that entertainment|    Was it serialised like an early Dickens sort of a deal?
    I will give you a point for that|  [DING]    The calendar was basically ripped off  by a load of other publishers,    who then put out biographical
    "chapbooks", it's called here,    about the notorious criminals|    Oh yeah, chapbooks
    This is getting desirably highbrow, but yeah,    chapbooks were small, cheap sources of literature|    Of course it is now desirable to say  there was also not only the chapbook,    but the "face book" at the time as well,    which was A Thing
    Well, the name for Facebook  came from university facebooks,    which was literally a book of all the faces of the people  who joined the university that year|    But the 18th-Century facebook was —  you would have one in your house
    Someone would go around    and as part of the evening's entertainment    would try and draw their own face|    Really?
    Oh, cool!|    Right?
 And it would provoke much mirth  when you went, "Oh, look at the paucity!|"    "Look at the eyebrows, Jeremiah!
"    You know, that kind of thing|    Of which later on when everyone else came round    "Oh, you should see the page before you  at what the Parson drew!
"    That kind of thing|    That was a face book
    It was a mid-18th century thing|    I'm getting one of those
    I'm having one in my house, that sounds great|    Hey!
 Before you go| Draw your face
    Go-on| I dare ye
  NO MIRRORS!|    Stop cheating!
 All you get is this marker pen,    or a knife to draw in your own blood|    I like the idea of there being  some sort of Bartholomew Zuckerberg
    Who was| er
    "Bye ye the newe Facebou|"    No, that's Middle English isn't it?
  That's going way back!|    You don't buy it
    He just takes yours, adds a load of adverts to it,    and then sells it back to you|    Satire
    "One has heard he can make  up to three guineas an hour!|"    Which he spends a pound a minute
    Pound a minute!|    Talking into a flap
    With furious strumpets behind the flap|    Prog band!
    "Hello, we're the Furious Strumpets|"    Yeeaah!
    "This number is called 'Behind the Flap'|"    Oh no
 I like that being like some kind of prog band|    — All-female prog band
  — Oh, okay!|    "Furious Strumpets" is a good name for that
    Furious Strumpets| Who's on keyboards?
    So, the Newgate calendar became the Newgate novel|    Yep
    Which was, sort of, longer books|    Very much satirised by a famous author
    Rory Bremner|    Little bit earlier
    Dickens Dickens Dickens|    No!
 Dickens|    There's a good argument that one of Dickens' novels  is a Newgate novel
    Johnathan Swift?|    No
    Chaucer?|    I think he may have been earlier there
    Centuries out| Centuries out
    No, there is one Dickens novel that is glorifying crime|    Oliver Twist?
    Bingo| Point
 [DING]    Yeah| Oh, thank you
    Oh, very good| Hmm
    "Name a Dickens novel about crime, Gary|"  "Uh, Ollliverrr
?|"    I was in a Dickens musical once
    — Oh really?|  — Were you?
    — Yes|  — What the Dickens?
    I know!| I know
    Who did you play?|    I played, er, Wackford Squeers
    Oh!| Yeah yeah yeah
    In the musical "Smike",    that is a musical version of Nicholas Nickleby|    Hold on to your hats
    There's a musical version of Nicholas Nickleby?|    Yes!
 And I was a|    And what pitch range did you take?
    Oh God, whatever I had when I was fifteen or something|  You know
    Somewhere between Mickey Mouse and Paul Robeson|    [Voice breaking]  That weird oooscillatory one we all haaad!
    So yeah, Dickens satirised the Newgate calendar then?|    No, Dickens essentially wrote a Newgate novel,    or something that is considered to be
    Right|    — If I say William Makepeace Thackeray
  — Oh, okay|    
I'm looking over at him, do you know what he wrote?|    Not read any
 Well| Oh
    Thackeray, Thackeray, Thackeray|    Not off the top of my head, no
    — Vanity Fair|  — Ah
    Which was satirising all of 19th-century Britain|    Oh, okay
    No-one takes that| Okay
    What, you want us to satirise 19th-century Britain?|    "I'd say Gladstone has been too near the buffet recently!
"    "I would say he's looking remarkably corpulent    around his middle areas, oh ho ho!|"    Actually no, that
    No, that's observational comedy|    Gladstone, he did have his peccadillos, didn't he?
    He had his thing|    He would go out into London —  I think it's Gladstone
    Hire a prostitute,    which was the done thing,    take her home, and then talk to her|    For the duration of the booked period
    lecture her about not being a prostitute,    then throw her out and whip himself on the back|    
that was his thing|    At the beginning of that paragraph  I thought you were talking about piccalilli
    And I was hoping for a story about toast, or sandwiches|    F***, who puts piccalilli on toast?
!|    I was going to say
    There's something wrong with you if you're putting piccalilli on toast|    Hang on we've gone from Gladstone
    Never mind the mishearing|  Never mind how quickly we've moved through this
    The hell are you doing putting piccalilli on toast?|    You might as well put mustard in your eyes!
    It's a horrible thing to do!|    — I've had mustard on toast before
  — Mmm|    — What?
!|  — What is wrong with
 wait, what?|    Nothing wrong with mustard on toast
    It's like having sweet chilli on toast, or|    Just mustard?
    — Hmm|  — And butter as well
    — And probably black pepper if it was me|  — Oh fine!
 We got the butter, that's fine!|    Which mustard, English?
 French?| What?
    — English!|  — English!
    I like how you're doing this tennis thing here|    We must know!
 We must know!|    Brannan's terrified
 He's encountered things he doesn't understand|    You've opened Brannan's eyes to a whole new area of condiment-based toast
    Have you never had condiments on toast before?|    No!
    Er, er| I've had cheese and brown sauce
    No, no, that's cheese|    Yeah
 We're talking tomato sauce sandwich here|    WHAT?
    Tartar sauce sandwich!|    Aahh!
    Jesus|    Horseradish?
    Oh!|    Horseradish on toast
    Forget the toast| Out of the jar, with a spoon
    Right!| Behind the unseeing eye ahead of me
    If you've ev| it's not just these two,    If you've actually put a condiment —    and only a condiment, on toast,    E-mail in, write in,    send a telegram, or a pigeon,  or your butler or something
    Oh wait, no, to be fair  I've had sandwich pickle on toast before|    — That's not a
  — ♫ Piccalilli!| ♫    Oh no, hold on Gary
 That's a good point|    It's like having gherkins on toast with mayo
    — Whoa, you can't say|  — Whoa, whoa whoa!
    Whoa, whoa| You can't say "it's just
"    That sounds pretty good|  I've never had that
    If I can| If I can drag this back
    — Good luck, mate!|  — That's like having
    For f***'s sake, that's like having  Yop on a baguette|    I mean you're just putting
  substances together|    The Newgate novel
 If I can bring this back|    What's that got to do with tartar sauce?
    One of the convicts was done for tartar sauce rustling|    Rolling a barrel of tartar sauce down the street
    Surely tartar sauce clinking, with it being in jars|    — No, no, just a barrel of it
  — A vat|    "Now then, now then, now then
  What's in that barrel, sir?|"    "
Water|"    "Let me stick my bit of bread in there, sir
"    "I have a slice of toast here|    "It just so happens that, if this is water,  it will be utterly spoiled
    "However, if it is tartar sauce,    "as we know, that is a great delicacy|    "My lad,    "delicious though this is,  I am taking you in for tartar sauce rustling
"    Of course in France they took up the idea,  and replaced truncheons with baguettes|    First day: it's for eating
    Second day: it's for beating convicts to death with|    For eatin' and beatin'!
    Sorry, are you saying a baguette lasts a day?|  In the afternoon it's for beating!
    "We 'ave invented a bread product zat  lasts no more zan an hour!|"    "I have taken zis bread 'ome
  She is wasted|"    "She is wasted
"    I'm sorry, are we pissing off  a different nationality each show here?|    Looking that way
 Looking that way|    The only way to get a fresh baguette    is to actually have some kind of bread-baguette-slot    on a boulangerie,  that you wrap your mouth round and have one
    Where am I going with this?|!
    I don't know where you're going with that, Branners!|    You want one just
 fed!|    And a hot baguette thrust into your throat
    It's a pound a minute, you open the flap,  you take whatever's on the other side!|    A centime for ten minutes!
    — They just extrude out a bread product|  — It's a
 baguette!| That'll do
    Yeah| Fine
 I'm okay with that|    You've not got any tartar sauce have you?
    If I were to say "Jack Sheppard",  would that ring a bell with anyone?|    I would rather not, thank you
    How do you rate him?|    "Jack" was a verb, right?
    Jack Sheppard was a notorious thief    who had a two-year criminal career    before being hanged at Tyburn|    But the novel, the dramatisation of that,    was the most notorious Newgate novel
    Mmm|    William Thackeray,  who was one of the opponents of the Newgate novel,    said that there were vendors selling  Jack Sheppard bags
    Now what do you think they contained?|    Little bits of him
    |no
    Swag?|    No
    Copies of the novel, some novelty golf balls|    a mouse mat, something like that
    Nope, 'cos by this point the novel|    Mouse mat?
    Yeah, what do you think you put a trap on?|    — In the eighteenth century?
  — Ohhh|    The novel had been turned into a play by this point
    So in the lobby of the theatre, as they left|    — Signed copies of the script
  — No|    Signed, erm, lithographs of the stars
    Is this something truly disgusting,    owing to the fact he was hung| Death by hanging?
    — No|  — His urine?
  — No!|    So it's not a picture of the deceased like this
?|    — Carving
  — On the|    No
 Nope|    Instructions on how to thieve?
    Yes|    No way!
    [DING]  Filled with burglary tools|    Hey, that's something
  You know when you're walking on the Moors,    — you have the thumb sticks?|  — Yes
    You know they were entirely outlawed  for quite a long time?|    — No
  — Genuinely illegal, were thumb sticks|    — Because what you
  — Sorry, what are thumb sticks?|    — They're a walking stick with a Y shape
  — They've got a U shape top on|    So you can give it this number
    — Often seen by ruddy men of the country|  — Yes
    You know, striding around with them|    Spot the person who doesn't go hiking on the Moors
    Oh, [dismissive sounds]| Yeah
 Anyway|    They were outlawed because  the thumb over the middle    was often used to disguise a hole
    Into which you would screw in a hook    with some string and another hook on the end|    They'd be used when robbing houses
    You would dangle it in,  hook something out, and walk off|    And of course walking with the thumb over the hole
    — So they were banned as a criminal instrument|  — Brilliant!
    I'm gonna go get my dad  to turn me one out like that|    "Come on, son
 We're going hang-thieving!|"    The Newgate novel started to fall out of fashion
    Ainsworth and Lytton were two of the novelists who    turned away when the attacks on it started|    Who didn't?
 Who continued to use criminals?|    — Dickens?
  — Dickens?|    — Dickens
  [DING]  —Ah, right|  — There we go
    Dickens, it says here, was "made of sterner stuff"|    Made of more commercially lucrative stuff,  as I like to call it
    Yes|    Didn't balk at giving the public what they wanted
    Yes| So it became "sensation novels"
    Charles "There's my 500 words,  where's my fifty pounds" Dickens|    Yes
 Pretty much|    That's why his style is
 as it is|    Bloody long!
    That's why he's so long-winded, you know|    "I should hate to pontificate over this for too long,  as excess verbosity will lead to
"    |yeah?
    I've probably said before,  my favorite Dickens line is the one about    the door knocker in A Christmas Carol,    "which, having not undergone any  intermediate process of change"|    Wow
    You're just like: "Oh| Oh!
 Oh|"    Word count!
    Yup|    And
 that'll do|    Submit!
    Yes, 'cause he just clicked a button  and it word-counted and|    No, he went
    that action is ringing a bell  for his butler to come up the stairs|    Or a boy to come and take it to the
    With a celebratory slice of toast and tartar!|    The Newgate novels became the sensation novels,  the detective fiction
    They got serialised|    What did they become?
    Frosties!|    
Cereal-ised|    Oh, yes!
    The pun!| It burns!
    Uh, I was going to go for The Bill|    That's fair, that's fair
 Little bit earlier than that|    Ye Bill!
    Particular name for them|    The penny dreadfuls
    Yes!| Point!
  [DING]    Point straight away|    Quick-fire round: Can anyone give me  the other names for the penny dreadfuls?
    What else were they called?|    Uh, filthy newsbooks
 Uh|    The shilling sh**s
    Dirty foldabouts|    Thou-shalt-nots
    "Don't look in there, mother"s|    They were all kind-of "penny something"
    Penny whatsits| Have you got one
 Naughty novels|    Uh
 Penny frighteners?| Something like that
    Some kind of synonym for "dreadful" would be a start|    — Awfuls
  — Oh, point|  [DING]    Yay!
 Look at that|    Penny dreadful and a penny awful
    Penny horrible, penny number and penny blood|    At the end of that, congratulations Chris!
    — You win this show|  — Hey!
 I'm on a roll|    More points when your way then anything else there
    Uh, you win some shares in the company  that is owned by the star of The Big Lebowski,    that enables passengers to board airliners safely|    Its Jeff Bridges' Jet Bridges
    The Dude abides!|    The Dude aboards, thank you very much
    And the marketing has written itself|    Until next time,    — that's been Matt Gray
  — Au revoir!|    — That's been Gary Brannan
  — Good day!|    That's been Chris Joel
    And I've been Tom Scott, we'll see you next time|    [Subtitled by Patrick Gregory
  Translating these subtitles?| Add your name here!
]    Hey, thanks for watching|    If you liked the show, then tell someone, tell us,  or send us a telegram
    And there are all new of our reverse trivia podcast  over at techdif|co
uk|  A friend of mine's brother was Mr Wimpy
    Wait, what?|    In the Huddersfield branch of Wimpy, he was  Mr Wimpy
    Is that like a mascot costume?|    Yes, it's like a beefeater, but his eyes are  obscured by the hat
    But you look through the mouth,  just mark you|    But what happened was,  he wasn't allowed to talk at all,    that was one of the strict rules
    Mr Wimpy must never talk to anyone,    because obviously you don't want this weedy  15-year-old accent coming through|    "Hi, 'appy birthday!
"    That kind of thing|    But what happened was he tripped up on the  way down the stairs to a kids' party,    rolled down and the kid just hoofed him in  the head for five solid minutes
    You try not screaming  while dressed as Mr Wimpy|    Apparently quite difficult
    I was going to go off on one about, like,  costume characters and how that-    I can't beat a kid  hoofing Mr Wimpy in the face|    I really can't
    While the guy screams silently within|    Now there's a metaphor in there,  I'm pretty sure
    Doesn't a friend of ours still have a £20  Wimpy voucher that he won?|    Whoa, really?
    He started…|    Sorry - 2,000 pence
    Yes, I think he did some "banter" with them  on Twitter    and they decided to send him a voucher    and he hasn't got around to spending it,    because there aren't that many Wimpys…|    There aren't
    Particularly not near him|    And he did once go up to the place,    look at it and just go,    "I can't
"  This is the Technical Difficulties,  we're playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today: He reads books, you know — it's Chris Joel!
    Quarrelsome quislings questing quickly through quixotic questions are we|    — Nice!
  — Aaahh!|    Thank you, thank you
  That's why I was in the loo so long|    Bounciest man on the internet — Matt Gray!
    Hello YouTube|    And everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan!
    I rode the Queen Mary and came third in the derby!|    How many queens were alive at the time to be the Queens' Derby?
    'And up front it's Elizabeth!| It's Elizabeth the First in the front!
'    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it|    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING],    and the special prize for particularly good answers which is
    Oh!| Sorry
 Yes|    Yeah
 I've got a buzzer this time!|    How louche are you today?
    Oh, I do| so obliged, gentlemen
    Can we just get you a cocktail glass while you do that?|    I usually am, it's just the different table setup
 You don't see me so much, darling|    Yeah
 Can we make reference early on in the episode that we have moved from Matt Gray's kitchen|    Today, we're live from SPACE!
    THE MOON!|    We need a greenscreen, guys
 It's curtains|    It's just the blackness!
    Today we are talking about the SS Bessemer|    Is that to do with the smelting process?
    Now there's an intro to any kind of thing|    Why would you say that?
    Because it's the Bessemer steel smelting process!|    You're gonna have a point
 [DING]    Whoa!|    Because it is named after and invented by
?|    Bessemer
    Thank you|  [Laughter]    Sorry — 'Named after and invented by?
' 'S|S
'    Sir Henry Bessemer, who|  you were talking about steel there?
    Well, I'll defer to my|    Sorry, before I go 'Right Honourable Member', you do realize this looks a lot like Question Time?
    I will defer to my honourable friend here, the member for Sheffield|    The member for Rotherham
    I don't know what you've heard!| It's lies!
 All lies!|    Ha!
    — You just got 'Member for Sheffield' there, haven't you?|  — Yeah
    Steelmember!|    That's what they used to call me!
    Sounds like a South Yorkshire Bond film!|    ALL: 'Steelmember
' [Trumpet riff]    'Bollocks!| We're not using gold, it melts too easily!
'    'We'll go down there, get 'ot steel!|'    It's just a scrappie!
  James Bond versus the local scrappie|    Bond is strapped to a slab of old railway locomotive,    while Steelmember comes up with a gas torch, and just very closely —    'I'll get your nadgers in a minute if you don't give in!
'    I was imagining him on the windshield  of a smashed-up car|    [Gas torch sound]  'Might take 'alf an hour but we're gonna get there!
'    'I'll turn t' wipers on!|'    Thump!
 Thump!| Thump!
    'Oh!| Oh!
 Oh!|'    [Sean Connery voice]  'Shtop it!
 That's enough!|'    [Sean Connery voice] 'I'm starting to quite enjoy thish
 Does it have two shpeeds?|'    'No, Mister Bond
 I expect you to f**k off!|'    A long time ago
    |in a galaxy far, far away in Rotherham
    Sir Henry Bessemer|    I don't know
    So is that the name of the article?|    No, the article is 'SS Bessemer'
    Ship with a steel-clad rather than an iron-clad hull,    or steel hull or something like that|    Ooh, it was certainly first ship with something, but
    Made by that| it's the, erm
    No holes in it|    Outboard motor
    Ship-sized diesel engine|    Massive whacking great outboard
    Takes ten men to steer it|    Never mind that, it takes ten men to start the thing
  [Motor noises]    It's like a tug-of-war|    Huge blokes charging up the deck
    I think you'll find the first outboard motor was a Viking, paddling|    On the end of a stick
    'Sven!| Your turn
'  'Ugh|'    'Ulf!
 Faster, Ulf!| Faster!
'    [Paddling noises]  A little backstroke — a little front crawl|    'How long to this "Enga-land"?
'    Bessemer, though, it's the steel crucible|    That was the thing he invented was the steel crucible,  where you would —    Yes
 Have a point| [DING]    You put pig iron into it
    What did he do?|  What's the difference in his process then?
    It removes impurities|    By
?|    Er
 hotness|    No!
    It's on a steel|  A crucible is a big bowl, innit
    — Yeah|  — On a windey thing, what tips over,    'A windey thing!
'    and all t' hot metal comes out, into a box,    and that makes| knives
    Yeah|  [Laughter]    I went to school!
!|    Sheffield, there
  Sheffield summed up|    Sheffield steel summed up in a few important words there
    It's a big bowl with stuff that comes out of it| Yeah
    |what makes knives!
    You need to be the narrator on How Things Are Made|    Steel
 knives!|    It goes in this box and knives come out
    There is something else that goes in with the iron|  Into the crucible
    Men!|    A lot of it
 It has to be pumped through constantly|    — Max Bygraves
  — Air|    Air!
 [DING]    There is a market for pre-1940s steel|    As in scrapping it and re-selling it
    Why do you think that might be?|    T' olden days air were cleaner!
    — Yes!| [DING]  — Wahey!
    What was it cleaner of?|    Sulfur
    No| The clue is in '1940s'
    About 1944, 1945, specifically|    Whoa!
    — Radiation|  — Cool!
    Bingo| [DING] Cobalt
    Well!| I push my glasses back and say, How's that!
    Background amount of radiation increased enough    that if you're making radiation detectors,  or anything that goes in a radiation-sensitive process,    you need pre-1940-something steel|    — Well, there you go!
  — Cool!|    So you have to go back in time,    and forge your forgey thing
    That's iron, isn't it|    Or you raise a sunken ship
    [Singing]  'You raise me up|'    [Singing]  'So I can make accurate meters
'    And big boxes of knives|    'Boxes of kniiives
'    You don't need pre-radiation knives|    This is not a significant amount of radiation
    I want a post-radiation knife!|    'Cooks the steak while you slice it!
'  [Sizzling noises]    I'm fairly sure that at some point in the Victorian age,    after the discovery of radiation,    but before the discovery of radiation-induced cancers,    someone will have made a radiation knife|    — Radiation was all the thing
  — Yeah|    It genuinely was
    In any treatment you would just give someone  a bit of radiation|    — Yeah
  — That'll do 'em right!|    I know for a fact that when my uncle was at school,    the popular prank was to get the little bits of radiation    and shove it down boys' arse-cracks
    Ohh!|    What, like pennying someone?
    Pretty much, yeah|  Just with deadly, deadly radiation, that's all
    'Plutoniumed your bum!|'    'Ooh, it burns!
'  'Aaaargh, that's gonna sting!|'    One of my old physics teachers claimed that he'd found a radium blanket in his loft
    It was a blanket infused with radium, because it was warming|    Well, one of the products, one of the most radioactive ones, early 20th century, is watches
    — Yep|  — Yes
    I were taught that one at schoo-wel!|    So was I!
    'Glow in the dark, you say?|'    'Yeah, that's fine
 Dip there, lick the brush, you'll be fine| Just paint it on
'    It's like we're all the result of  the same education system, isn't it?|    How strange!
    I thought you were schooled up a mountain  by a Buddhist master|    That's just Rotherham Comprehensive
    It was still a state school!| I'm not posh!
    State-funded Buddhism?|    You know what, I'd be in favour of that
    Yeah|    Everybody just needs to chill out
    'Now you have learned the wisdom of the writing  and the metal-making    with the box with the knives|'    And now you move on  to the next mountain of Rotherham,    where the Chuckle Brothers will teach you —    NO!
 NO!|    Oh, secondary school was awful
    Rotherham Steel, with a gigantic crucible of metal:  'To me, to you, to me|'    'Oh!
 We've burnt several people to death|'    'Oh dear
 Oh dear oh dear|'    And sports was just David Seaman
    If you're American, don't Google the Chuckle Brothers|    Or Rotherham
    No, no, no!| Do!
  They're childhood comedy legends|    That's true
 Don't Google their single  with Tinchy Stryder from last year|    Do!
    A long, long time a go, we talked about Henry Bessemer,    who invented the steel-making process named after him,    established the town of Sheffield as a major manufacturing centre|    But he had a lot of other inventions
  A lot of other patents|    Plate glass, making a continuous ribbon of plate glass
    Of iron!|    'Makes a better door than a window
'    The SS Bessemer was one of his less successful inventions|    Was it a box of knives that sank?
    'It's made entirely of metal!|  Left to right, all the way through!
 Solid!|'    I mean, you're right — SS is Steam Ship
    So we haven't actually got what it is yet?|    Not yet, no
  We are a good half, two-thirds of the way through|    But we have talked about Henry Bessemer,  and the steel-making process
    Is it one of the ones that's got  the rotatey thing on the back?|    So we've got a crap boat
    Ooh| we have an experimental boat
    I'm gonna say, is it something to do with  steam turbines or something like this?|    Thinking of the industry or anything,  or it might have been steam engines
    No, this is|    You wouldn't expect it to be coming from someone  who had so many successful inventions
    Hovercraft|    This is to designed to combat a common problem  if you're on a cross-Channel ferry
    Did he build it in Sheffield so that there was  no chance of getting wet?|    Um
    A common problem on a cross-Channel ferry|  people on booze cruises weren't allowed on?
    It was built in Hull, just to, er|    Ugh
    Were no French aboard?|  [Laughter]    I mean, not initially, no
    It's a common problem in the Channel|    Cross-Channel ferry, full of them
    Was the duty free actually cheap?|    Was it a flat-bottom boat?
    To stop it grounding?|    Ooh!
 No|    Because there are sand deposits in the Channel, I think
    There are, but no|    Was it an attempt at bow-loading doors  or anything like that?
    Bowel-loading doors?|    Bow-loading, not bowel-loading
    It's a very easy mistake to make|    'Roll on!
 Roll off!|'    Is it Henry Bessemer's giant mechanical arse,    crossing the Channel, made of steel?
    Steelsphincter!|    Sorry
 Steelsphincter is another Bond film|    No, no, he's like Jaws
 He's like a Bond villain's henchman|    'Don't put your fingers in there!
 He'll have them off!|'    [Slicing noise]    He's eventually vanquished by the fact that someone  has a giant magnet and he flies arse-first onto it
    Yes| Yes
    We're looking for a common problem with  cross-Channel ferries — with any ferry, really|    Seasickness!
    — Point!| [DING]  — Right!
    — An anti-seasickness boat?|!
  — An anti-seasickness boat|    What's the point of being on a boat?
    Exactly!|    I'm sorry, getting seasick is not the point  of going on a cross-Channel ferry
    It is the prime experience!|  [Laughter]    So was this like a boat with like, a thing that  kept level all the time in it or something?
    [DING]    Aha!| A whole kind of thing to counteract
    Like you used to get for your CD Walkman in your car?|    Yeah, basically
    But for people|    That's something that a lot of our audience are gonna be a little bit too young for there
    Oh, **** off| Really?
    CD Walkman?|    The international sign there for a CD Walkman
    It's the gimbal|    Wobbly CD Walkman
 Woooo!|    You see, children
 Hello|    In the old days
    we used to have to take our music with us    on little plates that looked like a little shiny disc|    You would put them in a machine, and when you walked,    if you walked too fast, the music would jump, like Spotify when it's s***
    Can you believe, children, that you could only listen to one album at a time?|    A small bit of our audience is post-MP3
    Like, they were born after the —    Why would you post the MP3 when you could email it?|    Out
    Well, you have to print it out first, don't you?|    You are entirely right
 It was an entire cabin|    The saloon of the boat was suspended on gimbals    and kept horizontal so you weren't rolled about
    That's gonna be worse, isn't it?|    That's gonna be like the old British Rail APT
    Advanced Passenger Train, yes|    Because your brain is gonna go,  'Hang on a minute, I'm moving but not moving,'    and the net result is: Heulgh!
  Everywhere|    'I can see that I'm moving
 but I'm not|'    Yes
 And the other problem is, it only stopped roll|    It didn't stop pitch,    and it also didn't stop surge, I think it's surge — or heave
    Heave, that's it|    I think heave was the problem we were trying to get rid of
    [General heaving sounds]    The technical ship term is 'heave', which is the up-and-down,    the kind of feeling that gravity is increasing and decreasing|    So you're just in this saloon
    |that's not moving in one axis, but is moving in the other two
    Yes|    Sorry, I'm just imagining someone called Serge and someone called Heave
    Yves?|    The butler with the inner ear problem: Ask Heaves
    'Well, sir| oh
 Oh God|    'Erm, I could give you — blergh!
'    Ask Heaves!| His little icon is a butler who's going:    — Slightly green in the face
  — Yes!|    If anyone does want to quickly Photoshop that up
 yeah|    So the ship, it was actually made, it set sail
    It went from Dover to Calais| What happened when it got to Calais?
    Crashed!|    Point!
 [DING]    Just kept going|    It quite literally did
    Right now it's somewhere in Austria|    You can have a point for that as well [DING],    because it failed to answer the helm, and just hit the pier
    'It's ringing!| Someone pick up!
 Helm!|'  'Hello?
'    You know that gag from Airpline!| where the plane just comes through the window?
    That and the Calais pier| It just kept going
    At which point did it stop, Sir Henry Bessemer pokes out and goes, 'Partial success|'    'We got over, and we f***ed up a bit of France
'    'Turn round!|'    I like how you went with Airplane!
 rather than Speed II|    Where it happens with a boat
    Yeah| Okay, yes, that's true
    After two attempts to enter the harbour,    it crashed into the Calais pier *again*, this time demolishing part of it|    Erm
 the ship remained in dock,    and then was sold for scrap|    It did actually have a trial with passengers on board,    but one important bit didn't work
    The passengers| They were all on strike
  [Laughter]    The wiggly thing|    The wiggly thing, yes, exactly right
 [DING]    So it's SS Bessemer's non-wiggly wiggly thing|    Yes
    So it worked better on the way back when it was broken|    Yes
    Than on the way over when it was working|    Yup
 What happened to the saloon?|    Because the saloon was really well appointed — not the gimbal bit,    but the actual sort of really lavish drawing room?
    Shipped to shore and used as a restaurant or|    given to a hotel or
    Yeah, [DING] I'll give you a point for that|    His house?
    I'll give you both a point| [DING]    The designer had it moved to his home
    But it still kind of kept level even though it wasn't really moving|    You could have it as a flight simulator!
    Or boat simulator|    'When you are in an earthquake,    'you will want to be in this room,' was what he said
    'For you can have all the experience of earthquake,    but without the roll|'    Yes!
    'Have you ever wanted to experience just two-thirds of an earthquake?|'    'A vast improvement, sir!
 A vast improvement!|'    What eventually happened to that saloon?
 The last surviving bit of the ship?|    Sold for scrap
    Well, again, it had a slight problem in about the mid-1940s|    Did it get all blown up?
    Yes, have a point| Direct hit from a bomb in World War Two
 [DING]    And it wasn't radioactive until that point|    Because all the furniture was made of uranium
    A warming seat|    Yeah!
    Oh, that'd be horrible, wouldn't it?|    You know that unnerving warmth when you take over somebody's seat?
    Just a seat that has that all the time|    Just sits in the room with people going,  '
ooh| Oh no
'    'Ooo|'  'Oh
'    On that, congratulations Chris, you win the show|    [Laughs] Seems unlikely
    You got points|    Eh, whatever!
    On that note, congratula —    Gary got the biscuits|    Yeah, but the biscuits aren't points
    Oh no, yeah, you got points|    The points are points
    You may have gathered, viewers, that this entire show is bulls***|    [Laughter]    In so many different ways
    Except when he wins| Then it's really good, you'll notice
    Then it's brilliant!|    Congratulations Chris, you win this show
    You've won rum and lime-flavoured Mexican food cooked by the star of Taxi and Matilda|    It's a Danny DeVito mojito burrito
    That sounds all right, actually| Do I get to meet the chef?
    Sadly no, it was shipped over| It's a bit cold now
    Awww|    With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel,    to Matt Gray,    Goodbye, YouTube
    |to Gary Brannan
    I've been Tom Scott| We'll see you next time
    |no
    That would be part of the 'Reckless'|    
no, it didn't| No
    What, like a hippo spray?| That kind of thing?
    Oh, don't — I've seen that|    
Doctor Bradford Crayne, which —    Bradford!|    — just sounds like
    Bradford Crayne|    'Hello, Bradford Cranes
    'yeah, we've got a 9-ton, a 14-ton,    'and erm, Maurice Micklewhite|'    
Where's the hyphen in that?|    I'm trying to diagram the sentence
    [Laughter]  Yeah!|    Anywhere you can put a hyphen changes it
    [Translating these subtitles?| Add your name here!
]  This is the Technical Difficulties,  we’re playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today, he reads books y'know,  it’s Chris Joel
    Hello|    Everybody’s favourite Gary Brannan,  Gary Brannan
    ♪ I’m in the old-fashioned bustle  my grandmother wore!| ♪    He is, you know
    And the bounciest man on the internet,  Matt Gray|    Willkommen, YouTube!
    In front of me, I’ve got an article from Wikipedia,  and these folks can’t see it|    Every fact they get right is a point  and a ding    and there’s a special prize for particularly  good answers, which is…
    And today, we are talking about  the Sark football team|    Okay
 Island off Jersey!|    Yeah, have a point
    Have a point for that straight away|    - Do they play football?
  - Is it about their| aagh!
    Yeah, but American football|    On a boat in Greenwich
    - What?|  - What?
    Cutty Sark|    No?
    Already?|    Shall I leave?
    Yes|    Yes, Sark is part of the Bailiwick of Guernsey
    Okay, fair enough|    What are the Channel Islands?
    Let’s start really, really far out|    Are they
 some islands|  in the English Channel, Tom?
    Yeah, you’re not getting a point for that|    - What?
  - What?|    You’re not getting a point  when I gave you the title!
    I don’t understand the question, then|    There’s something special about, sort of,  how they…
    Oh, are you asking me what they’re called?|    Oh, Jesus f***
    There’s one called Jersey,  there’s one called Guernsey,    - Go on|  - 
and there’s one called St Helen’s?|    No
    - No|  - St Helen’s is near Wigan!
    You’re thinking of St Helena, and that’s  on the other side of the planet|    Okay, yes
    Alderney|    Alderney is the other one, yes
    Does one of them have a capital  of St Helena of Guernsey?|    AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!
    Yes|    I’m getting something right
    That’s my job!|    And the thing is, you’re wrong,  it’s Saint Helier
    When you say, “What are the Channel Islands?|”    my standard answer is usually,  “Occupied France
”    Yes, and have a point|    Absolutely, they were the only bit…
    Did you just give a point for that?|    Well, that’s one of the questions I was  going to ask
    They were the only bit of the United Kingdom,  well, UK territory,    that was actually taken by Germany in the  Second World War|    They were invaded in 1940, or ’41
    I forget the year|    I wasn’t there, why the f*** am I like that?
  Honestly|    In 1940, but in terms of Britain,  what are they?
    Crown territory|    Yes
    Have the point, they are a crown dependency,    but they are not part of the United Kingdom|    ♪ Tax haven, wider than a mile
 ♪    Oh, sorry, I thought you were  going for Goldfinger, there|    - Same tune
  - They are the same song|    And they are the same people that live there!
    Is Sark the one where you don’t have any  motor vehicles?|    Is it still bicycles and horses and carts?
    Oh, yes, absolutely right|    Sark is the one where cars are banned
    Ladies and gentlemen, the Gary Brannan  General Knowledge Edition|    The, “Gary’s mum and dad have been on  holiday to the Channel Islands,” edition,    and I sat through the photos
    I need some slides|    So was that just, “And this is not a car,  and this is not a car, and this is not a car
    “This looks like a car, but in the back|    “very large hamster wheel
”    “This looks like a car|”    Pull up the bonnet: horse
    Miniature horse?|    Yes
    Oh, cracking, want one|    Isn’t Sark one where it is technically still  run by a lord?
    - Feudal|  - Feudal, I think it is something like that
    Oh, he’s getting all the points today, yes|    He’s on home turf here, come on
    Obscure crown territory facts, bring it on|    It was considered the last feudal state in  Europe until 2008,    when they reformed it, but yes, that will
    You own the island, therefore  you own the people|    Yeah, pretty much
    Oh, please say they had a Communist revolution|    I know they didn’t but, you know?
    - The horses|  - A horsey uprising!
    'The Reform', it’s referred to|    That sounds more ominous than it  ought t'be, really, doesn’t it?
    'The Reform|'    It is all capitalised
    And if you didn’t like the idea,  would that be Sark snark?|    Jesus
    Yes?|    No, it’s sark-asm
    When you’re negative about it|    Oh, guys, that deserved more,  sark-asm, it really did
    There are a lot of old laws still in place|    They didn’t have divorce until 2003
    Was it separation of bed and table?|    I don’t know what that is
    That is the way you could organise a form  of divorce pre-divorce being allowed|    You were allowed to live apart  by the church courts
    Mensa et thoro|    Oh yeah, come on, it’s all in here somewhere!
    I mean, I'm|    Because you’ve just basically told me the  entire first paragraph of a completely different    Wikipedia article I haven't loaded
    So, yes|    Third time in three shows, by the way
    But how can you now get divorced on Sark?|    You can murder the other person
    Not technically a divorce|    I reckon that was always an option,  you know, mate
    Oh!| Leave
  Get divorced, come back|    Yes
    You can now get divorced in Guernsey  and come back to Sark|    “Those liberal Guernsey b******s,”  they probably think
    Having been out on islands like that,    when I was on holidays a few years ago  I went out to one of the Hebridean islands|    I went to Coll, which is a similar kind of thing,  very small island
    They have a very slightly larger neighbour,  Tiree, who they see as being stuck up,    because A, they have the Co-op,  and B, they have the policeman|    And what happens is when the policeman gets  on the boat to come over,    they phone up the island, and everyone hides  their non-registered cars and stuff    until the policeman has left
    And now you’ve just ratted all of them out|    Yeah!
 Get over there,  policeman from Tiree, come on!|    But by the time he’s got there, they’ll  have hidden them again
    Hidden the cars, yes|    Somewhere on that island, the phone's just
    “Oh, we said not to tell anyone!|”    “Gary, we told you
!|”    We briefly mentioned the economy, what is  Sark’s economy driven by?
    Horses!|    Sarcasm
    Tourism|    Yes, and you also said that earlier,  financial services
    Eh, kids?|    It has
 a low amount of tax,  let’s say that|    How long do you have to live there?
    It’s got to be over a number of years, probably|    I’m guessing owning a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny  fraction of a bit of land counts as living there
    Three months in a tax year|    Okay, fair enough
    If you’re there for 91 days, you’re good|    You’re a resident,    you get their tax laws if you want them
    Don’t do this, I’m really crap at tax stuff|    Do they have to be
    I’m rapidly figuring out if I can do this,    the answer is almost certainly no,  but I’m thick as mince|    Don’t let me near this
    Just a sec|    This means all your tax savings could be spent  on getting a hovercraft there,    and then you could get a hovercraft there,    and that would be fun, because it’s a hovercraft
    It is quite a long way away|    Tom, Tom, Tom, please can I have  a go on a hovercraft?
    What we’re saying is we all want a go on  a hovercraft|    And I think I can arrange that, but
    Ooh!|    Smash cut to
    I’m more worried about Matt’s tax advice  system here, which is    - “Yes, we can save you money for a hovercraft|”  - Hovercraft, hovercraft, hovercraft
    Like, it’s not the worst tax advice  I’ve ever heard, but…|    If we did, we could do a show on a hovercraft,  it would be ‘on air’, because it’s…
    It’s a golf clap| It’s a golf clap
    It's a good four|    I’m not biscuiting that
    The legal system on Sark  also has something called|    er, I’m going to try and pronounce French  again here, which is never great
    Oh great|    The Clameur de haro
    Clammy arrows?|    Is that along the lines of the hue and cry  for a criminal, or something like that?
    Oh, it’s connected to hue and cry|    I’ll absolutely give you a point for that
    Yes, for apprehending a felon,  or something like that, no?|    Ah, not in this case, but  what is the hue and cry?
    Hue and cry is an ancient thing where in a  community    you would be responsible for raising the hue  and cry if someone had committed a crime    and was passing through your community|    It’s, “All pile on,” basically, in a  legal term
    Right, so it's like the law,    but on a small island where the law operates  like American football|    This is not on Sark
    I should point out for a hue and cry,    all able-bodied men, upon hearing the shouts,  were obliged to assist|    Oh, that sounds like so much fun
    This is the hue and cry, though, this is not  Clameur de haro|    A-r-r-o-w?
    No, h-a-r-o|    Oh
    This is kind of the opposite|    This is not going to catch someone,  this is to stop someone
    Ignore someone|    I was going to say, professionally ignoring  crimes
    Wait, tax haven!|    “Hovercraft, what hovercraft?
”    “It’s disguised as a barn, officer!|”    No, it’s disguised as a load of money
    Is that a formal way of saying,    “Geroff my land!|”?
    Yeah, go on|    It’s not, “Get off my land,” but yes,  it is a formal Thing that you Do
    This is annoying me, because I half know this|    It’s some kind of judicial process where    you effectively bring someone  in front of the king    to adjudge on a land case or  something like that, isn’t it?
    It is, it's a very specific process|    The procedure is performed on one’s knees
    Steady everyone|    Before at least two witnesses,    in the presence of the wrongdoer,    and in the location of the offence
    All right?|    The Criant, the person complaining,    with his hand in the air must call out,    “Hear me, hear me, hear me
    “Come to my aid, my prince,  for someone does me wrong|”    - Yes
  - That’s a hell of a safe word|    Try speaking that through the orange, yeah!
    Followed by reciting what well-known thing  in French?|    Lord’s prayer
    Yes, absolutely right|    It’s been done recently, this
    - Yes it has|  - This is why I’ve heard of it,    it’s because it’s in  some kind of land dispute,    and it’s something like a hedge or a garage  or something like that,    and the guy is basically on the verge of  losing the case,    and as one final, basically, legal dick move  just dropped to his knees and did that
    And everyone went,  “Oh, s***, that’s still enforced|”    That kind of thing
    What happens after the  Lord’s prayer is recited?|    What does the person they are challenging  need to do?
    Based on what’s already gone before, presumably  adopt a backwards crab position,    walk in a circle on a full moon,    but any other time of the year, you have to  go completely rectilinear,    and shout something, yeah,  let’s go with Latin|    It is significantly simpler than that
    Most things are!|    There are people in this room with doctoral  theses that were easier to complete than that
    Do they just go, “Right”?|    Yes, that’s basically it
    They just have to stop what they’re doing|    Regardless of whether they are legally entitled  to do it or not,    if that is used they have to stop  and it goes to adjudication
    Wouldn’t you if someone got on their knees  and did all of that?|    Yes, to be fair, yes
    Yeah, but only to watch!|    As the bulldozer rumbled towards them, yes
    And if you call without a valid reason,  you pay a fine|    If you call and, er
    How much is the fine?|    I’m going to say this, is it one that’s  been set a long time ago?
    Yeah, two guineas!|    It’s either ludicrously cheap,  or ludicrously expensive
    It doesn’t actually say|    It just says, “a penalty”
    Oh|    You just have to take a free kick
    Hang on, didn’t we start on  the football team, like, 20 minutes ago?|    Yes
    Where I was going to bring this back to in  a little while,    but we got onto the legal system of Sark at  some point, so|    Hold your horses!
    Yes!|    Thank you
    What, they have to take a set of penalties,  and it’s best of six or something?|    Yes, I’m going to pass it to you
    Every time the other team scores,  the entire Sark team does that|    Well, that would be quite difficult
    What’s the population of Sark, roughly?|    Don’t forget some of them are only there  91 days of the year
    Well this is what I’m trying to  factor in here|    Though they probably send the butler  to play for them
    I was going to say something like 150, but  when you count actual residents,    if it’s so easy, it could be in the thousands|    It’s about 600 people
    So, as you can imagine, the Sark football  team does not have a lot of people who are    highly qualified to play football|    - Correct
  - Are any of them horses?|    The Sark football team are all human
    Starting at base principles here|    Who do they play against?
    Other football teams|    Yes
    I’m not giving you a point for that|    (F*** you!
)    Oh, is it the Channel League?|    Anyone who wants to come over and play them
    Hang on a minute|    Hang on chaps, do we know seven other people?
    I’m getting an idea here|    Yes, same
    Hovercraft?|    From what I’ve heard of this team, do we  need another 11-minus-4 people?
    Ah, good idea|    You’re absolutely right, I’m going to  give you a point for islands as well,    because their international matches were in  2003
    There's four of them listed here|    They’ve done international matches?
    Against Gibraltar, the Isle of Wight, Greenland,  and a place|    I’m going to mispronounce the vowel in this,  called Frøya
    Frozen yoghurt?|    That’s ‘froyo’
!|    They lost 2-1!
    They lost to Sorbet United|    Absolutely done over by Yop, yeah
    So they had these four matches in 2003|    How did they do?
    All conclusive losses|    Yes
    Boom|    How conclusive?
    Very|    Yes, I'm going to
    Like, double digits|    Yes
    Was it because Gibraltar  are a full nation now?|    So Gibraltar must have pasted at least 20,  or something like that
    19-0, I’ll give you a point for that|    It was 20-0 against the Isle of Wight
    20!|    Full FIFA member, Isle of Wight, love it
    Greenland, 16-0 against Sark|    Frøya, 15-0 against Sark
    They still tried!|    Lads
    “No, no, we’re going to do it today|”    They still turned up
    Which is more than the England side do(!|)    Lads, we could do this
    I’m sorry, we could be the first team to  go over and get beaten by Sark|    Yes!
    Yeah| Goes on the list
    - Yep|  - We would get in all of the Sark papers(!
)    - We would|  - We would
    Dibs on goal|    Oh, no, I’m ex-keeper
    - Yeah, Gary is, actually|  - I don’t care, I called dibs first
    Well, that’s fair|    For one thing, we don’t want an ex-keeper
    We want somebody who’s not going to bother  in goal so they win!|    Pull me up front!
    To be fair, that is how it also works in the  England team|    “Dibs keeper”!
    Right, I’ll book the hovercraft|    We can, no, I am genuinely up for this s***
    I will do this|    Put it on the list
    I would love to have that, as the first team  to lose profe|    We’re not from an island,  that’s the only problem
    We’ll go and stand on  that one in Peasholm Park,    put up a flag, take a picture and|    Oh, yeah!
    Do you have a phone number for|    Sark?
    I reckon they have more than one phone,  you know?|    Shall we ring them now?
    “Lads, lads, the phone’s ringing!|”    Entire town
    “Yes?|!
”    What happens is, he takes the message,    sounds a bugle for the lord to come down and  be read the proclamation|    “Hue and cry!
  The mainland have challenged us to football|”    “A duel of footer, you say?
”    He says, in his big chair in his hall, as  I imagine he still has|    Shall I ring Sark now?
    - Yes!|  - Yes
    - Do it|  - There’s no signal, there’s no signal
    It’s a genuine thing, right?|    You’ve been playing good people,  it hasn’t worked out
    We’re s***, right?|    And we know we are!
    Yeah!|  ♪ We're
 ♪    We’re Peasholm Park United, take it on|    And on that, congratulations, Gary, you win  the show
    Whoo-ah!|    You win a bright orange thing for a large  mustelid to bounce on in isolation
    It’s a tangerine wolverine quarantine trampoline|    So, do enjoy that
    With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel|    Oh!
 Yeah|    To Gary Brannan
    To Matt Gray|    Good-bye-bye YouTube
    I’ve been Tom Scott,  we’ll see you next time|  [guitar riff intro]    Hi I'm Matt!
    And I'm Tom!|    And I'm Tim!
    And this is the park bench|    The light is fading, and I've still got hay fever
    He always says the light is fading when the light is fading    you can tell that the light is fading cause you know we record many in one go|    But
We have one more story to tell with Tim here on the bench|    and the tale (no one told)    yeah wha- well, I didn't warn you about this, but this is the tale of    the second greatest prank I've ever pulled in my life
    [GASP] OOOOHHH YES (oooooh that one, yes)    (that's- yeah)  I'm going to preface this with saying  that i've    previously gone on record on- of saying I don't particularly like pranks    I certainly don't like youtube prank channels and all that|    'cuz my
 My requirements for a good prank is that| that uh, it should not affect:    health or family or career
    (mmhmm)    Uh, it should always have the ability to opt-out    Y-you sho| You should be able to say    "OK, yeah
 no| That's not- that's not for me
"    even if you don't know you're doing that|    you should have- be able to have that reaction    and this was borderline on the second    but it was too good an opportunity to pass up    (mmhmm)    While we're at point like that, I really need to cough
 Is that ok?|    I mean yeah, we're gonna keep the cough in [COUGH] [COUGH] Uh, ok
fair enough| So [coughs again*]    That's- that's Tim coughing    That's me coughing    Sorry, thing in my throat    Um 
 Why- why don't you tell it from your perspective Tim, just the- the first bit    'Cuz it went down hill after, well I over-committed    youknowwell I- well yeah| I got a call on my phone,    um it was from a blocked number (yep)    and I- I answered it cuz you know    I- some people don't answer phone calls, I d- I will answer any phone call cuz I get lonely and I like people talking to me
    *laughing* um and (HE'S ON TWITTER FOLKS) *laughing*    umm uuh so yes and the voice, I didn't really get a chance to say much because the first thing I heard was    "Hi- hi Tim, this is you calling,    from the future|    whatever you do, it's really important that you don't 
"    and then it cut dead    ok it's an unknown number I have no idea what i've heard    and it was my voice|    I don't know- I didn't know what to think cuz I was (you used- you used to do university radio, and you know what your voice sounds like)    and well yeah, it wasn't like 'the voice in my head' my voice, it was my voice
    and I    got a bit weirded out, and then i went on twitter, and had something of a breakdown|    So, let's skip back 15 minutes
    I'm in a pub    and I can't remember which pub it was or where it was but i was talking to someone and I was like    "OH!| Tim's here, that's a coincidence
 THAT'S NOT TIM|"    it is a perfect sound-a-like for Tim    to the extent where there were like two or three times during 5 minutes where I went    "Is that Tim- no it's not
" It was just this guy who had Tim's voice|    Accent, pitch, intonation, speech patterns, everything
    And in the nicest possible way, you do have a very unique voice|    So this- this was 
 just calling out    He wasn't doing a impression, it was just perfect| (I wasn't there)    So I did the only possible thing in those circumstances, recognize what an opportunity this was,    walked up to this man and said    " Hi you have the same voice as my friend, if I call him up, can you read this to him?
"    *laughing*    And he said yes| So um I think *clears throat*    I can't remember his name now, I should've looked that up, cuz i know it is somewhere
    I-I've said this to him many many times, "thank you," (hehehe) because Tim then-    So what i'm doing is I'm I- cuz I know your tweeting about it, cuz I'm checking,    is i'm wondering what Tim is going to say, and in the event you are having a serious freakout about this    I'm immediately going to call you, explain what has gone on    and get that guy back on the phone, to clear things up|    and as I recall it- cuz I did have a breakdown, I was like- so-  all capital letters " oh my god the weirdest thing has just happened
"    "I can't believe I'm about to type this, etc| etc
 etc|"    and then I think, if I'm right, you were about to call me, but then i posted    "Actually if this is a joke, please don't tell me, because I want to think this is actually happening"    Now that is, what we call in the business, an explicit opt in
    and what you said was *clear throat* cuz we uh, cuz we actually set a date    we actually set a date about how long in the future that your calling you from|    and you said "please don't tell me, cuz I want to believe that on that date, i'm going to be making a call back to myself
"    Well now I've got a challenge|    In the mean time this must have been about- you were going off with Tim somewhere    cuz I asked you, Matt, to ask him how he was feeling about it    that it would g- THIS WAS EUROVISION!
 this was year of the eurovision| It must have been
    Three years ago    yes it could have been, yeah, cuz it was arou- it was around about may or something    iI was | I know it was revealed when we were all in a train together
 the three of us were on a train together|    no, no it wasn't, it was revealed at a-    oh I- we'll get to that, no it wasn't, no you two were on a train or a plane or something    I know you needed some information, and I was able to provide you with that info
    I needed to know that Tim was doing ok with this, was not massively freaking out|    so I let Matt in on what had happened    and asked him to check that Tim was ok by asking in conversation what that was about
    cuz I had seen it on twitter like, I get a text from tom and i'm like "oh of course |"    so yeah that was the first time you found out, right, yeah
    cuz let's be honest, if anyone in this friends group is going to pull a stunt like that | it's probably going to be me
    and that's why we love being friends with you    so what uh- uh- what    what was that like what did    do you remember that conversation at all?|    not really but I do remember asking him like "wa-  what happened there?
" getting him to tell    cuz i didn't know the details    and um and he described the whole lot and you seen-    probably ended up with something like "I don't really know, i guess i'll see what happens on may the whenever|"    and you had a little giddy "hehe" in your eyes    so I have to try to make this real    in hindsight, what i should have done, was call you with the wrong number    got a sample of your voice saying "hello" and recorded it    and played that back    what I actually did was I bought a burner mobile phone    loaded it with one number that I had set up that speci- that was in an area code somewhere in the middle of nowhere    and I had set that up so that when that specific phone called that specific number at a time that had been written, hand written by someone else so it didn't have my hand writing,    in a package that I put through his letterbox, by getting his address from Matt    only at that time would it play a series of weird tones and noises and-    did you actually do- wow that's really incredible, a lot of effort    and it only worked once!
 because I know you called that back,    I did call that back    and what happeed then?|    I said those exact words that had been said to me    yes 
 and- and completed the- the causal loop    yeah, and that was ok and I was fine, I thought nothing more of it, until a few days later|    no a hang on, can I just say the- the other thing,    Did you call that number again?
    no I didn't I only called it once|    which is great, because you were actually respecting the laws of time travel there    yeah exactly I thought that I got- I know it's stupid (if you hadn't respected the laws of time travel there) if I had called myself again,    well I haven't called myself again, so I can't call myself again, because I don't know, is this pre-determination or 
    If you had, it would have played a message asking you about your payment protection insurance|    which, for those outside of the U
K|, has been spam phone calls that people have been getting for years now    it would have asked you about that    and it only worked once, and it only worked in a 5 minute window, and it only worked from that one phone number number    and it- yes!
 and you completed the loop    which was amazing    it's funny because i didn't even know his address until two weeks before when we went through the eurovision entries    I hadn't been to your house yet, didn't know where you lived, I had to find your address on streetview    and you couldn't quite remember it, but you knew the street- uhh you moved from there now right?|    I have moved from there
    you knew the street, and you knew it had a bay window, and some- and a super soaker- a water pistol in the    I saw, it's on that street, it's got a water pistol and a bay window|    This is a big water pistol, it was worth having on display (IT'S THAT ONE!
 it's that one| it's fine
 goes in|)    several weeks later, uh, we got free tickets to a show by one of (IT WAS it was from West End Boys) yeah someone gave us    fly, sorry    um, someone gave us free tickets to uh uh the    surrounded by midges all over    basically loads of washed up popstars from a while back (that's harsh, that's harsh)    It had Matt Willis in it, who at that point before "McBusted" so at that point    um, doing singing songs from West End numbers basically    which- which absolutely makes sense as a show, anywhere but the west end
    where you can go and see the original show|    uh at one point I asked you about it    you-  I'm- I don't know    and, uh, and I didn't know what to do
 should I- i figured i couldn't slap you cuz you know, we're in public, there are a lot of people in close proximity    so I thought that wouldn't go down so well    so I think I just looked at you and | with a sense of, I can't remember if it was hatred or loathing, or one of those two    but for a  little while you were time travelling    for a little while I was time travelling, and I was happy with that, and do you know, I still tell that story to this day
    and- a- there is- there is one other thing that someone brought up to me, and I forget who it was, it was someone I talked to at a conference a year or so ago and talked about this|    and he said that all sensible, it all makes sense    but if you read time travel fiction, you read all this that the most sensible timeline, is one where time travel is never invented
    because it keeps resetting it's self, it keeps resetting it's self, until time travel doesn't happen, and that's now a consistent universe|    and if that were to happen (oh I se- oh right yes ok) the time travel, someone goes back, changes a thing, someone goes back, and keeps going    until time travel is never invented at which point you've got a universe that doesn't change anymore
    I said, well he's a science fiction writer and if that ever happened, surely there would be all sorts of little things left over    that would need a reeeally unlikely explanation- explanation to happen    like someone accidentally stumbling into someone who happens to be an exact voice match    with the one person who happens to be able to technically pull that off    and that would be the type of debris left over from a time travel accident    so your view is that even though your the one who pulled that off, time travel still happened|    i'm saying you can believe that
 (ok)    and to be fair | you deserved it    I deserved it- it was fine I- I don't know what you mean by that, but over all I enjoyed it looking back at it in hindsight    (i was happy it happened) Good
 Good i'm glad you are, because that's the mark of it all | yeah
    I'm referencing  a prank from a few years previous that we have talked about before on this bench|    what was that?
    was this a prank that I- OH yes that one|    oh 
 yeah    he got you back now    oh man I haven't even thought!|    I said "can I have a- can I uh take a nomination form to be president please?
" and uh she said "yeah, absolutely!| what's the name?
"(put mad captain tom down)    I said "Tom Scott" "what's the Email?|" "uudududu"    In all these years Tim, I've never really thought of that as payback    I thought you owed me one, and you know what?
    I'm happy with that!| let's consider that loop closed as well
    BWAAAAAAMMMM [guitar riff ending]    do I get to ask you about the biggest prank you ever played?|    no    no?
 ok|    but that's a good bit for after the camera  [Laughter]  Listen
    Tom, when you're drinking that water,    you're drinking the water of every bit of water that water's ever been with|    MATT: Away from the laptop, Tom
    [Breathes]    Hurrah!|    That was close!
    I was nearly|!
    Oookay|    There was the leaning back option
    Yeah| Yeah
    That'd be more like a gigantic Versailles fountain as he just spat back and — whoosh!|    Erm
    Yes| [Clears throat]    He provound
 He founded the Inst|    Hold up!
 Hold up!| We've got a gusher!
    Welcome to the Technical Difficulties Spit-Take Edition|  Was he a spy?
    Ooh, no|  More towards the dark end of those arts
    Was he a spy at night?|    -- No
  -- With Patrick Moore!|    Impersonator!
    Ooh, very|  I'm looking for a particular word
    Like, impersonator implies he| what are  you cackling at?
    Sean Connery on with Patrick Moore!|    It's "The Spy at Night" with Patrick Moore!
    "Today, I'm sat here behind someone's head    "watching if he's a philandering husband|    "Now here's Brian May with a large telescope  into his wife's bedroom
"    Brian May looks like Russ Abbot peering out  of a cloud|    He's not wrong
 He's not wrong|    Google Russ Abbot and Brian May, he's right
    It's just the thought of, like, a|    Where did that come from?
!|    The Sky at Night!
    Patrick Moore's in the suit and everything    but just, like, camouflage paint on his face|    "I'm using my large telescope to spy on the  lady next door
"    [Translating these subtitles?| Add your name here!
]    Sorry, I'm slobbering|    Lovely!
    No, it--  This is the Technical Difficulties    We're playing Citation Needed    Joining me in the studio today    He reads books you know - it's Chris Joel!|    I don't think there's anything left to say!
    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan - Gary Brannan!|    Puttin the eatin' in the greetin'    And the bounciest man on the internet -  Matt Gray!
    Close up!|    In front of m-- Jesus
    In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't| crikey, Gary!
    |these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a point and a ding [DING]    And there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is|    Today's article is
    |The Swarm    Film starring Michael Caine    Good grief!
 A point [DING] straight away!|    Thank you, it's about a swarm of killer bees [DING]    Somewhere in the Midwest of America [DING]    Michael Caine plays a scientist I do believe [DING]    So, Gary's won this show
 But|    Yes, Michael Caine plays Dr Bradford Crane, which
    Bradford?|!
    Bradford Crane!| "Hello, Bradford Cranes!
"    "Yeah, we've got a 9 tonne, a 14 tonne and a Morris Micklewhite"    "I don't quite understand how a crane is going to help you with a swarm of bees    "Unless you want us to lift a tree, or something"    "Where are ya?|"    "America?
 No, we don't go that far"    Giant Jam Sandwich!|    Did you have Giant Jam Sandwich when you were little?
    No    Giant Jam Sandwich is an ace book!|    It's about a SWARM!
| of wasps    That come and attack a town, and sting the mayor in his fat bald pate
    So they bake a giant loaf of bread, make an enormous jam sandwich    Trap all the wasps in the jam, then crush them to death with another slice from the loaf    And then, in the sequel, a giant eats it and gets an all stang out mouth    Stang?|    Stang out    "Sometimes I let it all stang out(!
)"    But, it's a use for a crane in that situation    Oh, a gigantic jam sandwich!|    How else are you going to flop your second slice of bread down?
    Why did they make a bread loaf?| Why didn't they just make a giant bread roll?
    I| I
    Because, otherwise you've got more, other slices in the giant loaf    I don't know I was about|    That's not a jam sandwich, that's a jam roll    That's true    "I'm going to drive my jam Rolls!
"    "It's sticky|"    The thing is that if you were to  phone up Rolls-Royce and say    "I want a Rolls-Royce covered in jam," they'd do it for you, if you paid enough    Horrendous bespoke cost, but yes!
    They'd do it, yeah    Would they use a real jam or a synthetic jam that would last a long time?|    I wouldn't want to bring it in every year to be re-jammed
    What I'm thinking is that Rolls would probably create    A see-through layer on the outside of the body panel    Enabling you to trap some very good, high quality jam between the body panel and the plastic panel    thereby leaving you with one coating of excellent jam    That strikes me as the Rolls-Royce way    That brings us to the finest of the Rolls-Royces    The Silver Shred    Silver shred is a lemon jam!|    And a silver ghost is a car!
    That is the most obscure gag you've ever done!|    I got it!
 But it took me a few seconds    I didn't get either part of it!|    The Swarm, gentlemen    It's a Michael Caine film    It's from his "it's a living" stage of his career    I could not have put it better myself    There's some great lines in it, I remember    You've got Michael Caine
    "If you don't get those doors closed, this scientific institution is going to be full of bees!|"    That sounds like a film I want to watch!
    It's amazing - You're just waiting for Michael Caine to say the word "bees"!|    "He has been stung to death by bees!
"    And also, Slim Pickens    Really?|!
    Brilliant!|    Awesome!
    Playing a redneck, rather than a cowboy    Well, I'm glad he's extended his range!|    He wasn't typecast, was he?
    Yeah, he can play Appalachia or the West    "Damn man!|"    "That's quite the range!
"    "Them's some chops!|"    "Yee-hah!
"    He takes off his ten-gallon hat|    BEES!
    Is the phase "covered in bees" come into that?|    Yeah, it will do
 Cause people do get covered in bees    And then stang to death - by bees    Stang!|    By clever bees, that can work their way into air conditioning units and stuff    Clever girl!
    Yeah, clever girl!|    There's some lovely plot points in here    "Dr
 Krim self-injects an experimental bee venom antidote|    "The trial proves fatal"    He kills himself, yes    Cause he goes "I've injected all the antidote    And then runs into some bees!
    "Dr Andrews is convinced that his plant, his nuclear power plant, can withstand the attacks of the bees|"    That's it!
    "At that moment the alarm sounds and the bees invade the plant"    Yes!| I'm sorry, I thought it was a scientific base    You're right it's a nuclear power plant
 They're worried the bees are going to get in and cause it to explode!|    They do    Spoilers: They do!
    Because I think, Michael Caine is like,    "The only way to wipe them out, is to wipe them out in a nuclear explosion!|"    And everyone looks around in a kind of, "but we're in a nuclear power station" kind of face    That's not actually how they defeat the swarm in the end    Oh    Seawater!
 No, that's triffids|    Oh, you're nearly there    Oh God
    They lure them out to sea [DING]    How do they?|
 Giant Jam Sandwich!|    
on a boat!|    On an aircraft carrier!
    Because the alarm system was what attracted them in the first place    The alarm went off in the power plant, the bees were attracted to alarms apparently    *bee sounds*    Also didgeridoos!|    I was going to say, less bee, more didgeridoo there    Oh yeah, I always get the two mixed up    Didgeridoo
 FULL OF BEES!|    A swarm of didgeridoos    Did you say you get the two confused, because that's going to be a painful when you
    There is some other history to this film    It was released originally at just shy of 2 hours    An extra 40 minutes of footage added for release in the 1980s    What format?|    3D?
    No, it was released for home distribution in the 1980s    Laser disk    Laser disk!| [DING]    Smooth
    Ooh, laser disk of bees!|    Tell me that that was the first Michael Caine film out on any kind of home video    Forget Get Carter, Ipcress File, never mind that
 BEES!|    But it's great at that stage of disaster film where, y'know you've done earthquakes,    You've done infernos, you've done ships being turned upside down by tsunamis    You're now at the stage of BEES!
    There are actually many more films here about large swarms of bees    Care to guess some names?|    The Swarm 2    "This time they're angry!
"    There's no Michael Caine    I'm going to give you a point because they're thinking of remaking the Swarm [DING]    Oh s***!| Who's going to play the Michael Caine part?
    Michael Caine!|    Yeah!
    Hopefully we'll get Tom Hardy    He's quite good, and he can act!|    Which is
    Tom Hardy as Bane!|    "The bees are coming to the power station!
"    "Sorry what, the cheese is coming to the|?
"    "The BEES"    "The booze?|"    "They've got inside my mask!
 Aaagh!|"    What I really wanted in that film was for them to take the mask off Bane
    | and he still talks the same without it on!
    So they pull the swarm out to sea|    What do they do to it?
 Because it's quite hard to kill a swarm of bees - they don't nuke it    Flamethrowers?|    
Close?|    Raid!
 They just spray it with insect repellent!|    You're closer!
    Oh!| Did they fire missiles at it?
    Um, they douse the water with oil and set the swarm ablaze!|    Whoa!
    Cause bees can't go upwards!|(?
)    Bees could just go a bit higher    It's not as if the heat would make them rise    Would they pop like popcorn?|    Fwoomp!
 This bee is done!| Mmmm!
    Tasty bee!|    Clouds of beeee popcorn!
    Honey flavoured popcorn!|    Yeah, tastes of honey!
    The final point of the film then|    Dun dun dun    Is Michael Caine wondering about whether they've finally succeeded    Whether it's a permanent victory    And he decides that, "if we use
"    I can't do a Michael Caine impression| So I'm going to put this on Gary    "If we use our time wisely, the world might just survive"    "If we use our time wisely, the world
 Might just survive!|"    You don't need to see the movie now!
    At which point, he's got to look over a hill and then, hopefully|    A single bee!
    Camera crash zooms on it!| Bah-dah!
    And then "The End"| "Question mark!
"    Alright, I'm going to do a quickfire round here    Name me some animals, I'm going to give a point for each one, that actually does have|    An invasion movie after it    Oh, there's night of the shrews or something    The Killer Shrews!
 [DING] Giant shrews, yes    Sharks?|    Yes, many [DING], many    Horses?
    No!| Astonishingly I've got no
 Wikipedia does not know of|    Sheep?
    -- Yes [DING]  -- Black Sheep| Top film!
    The Birds!|    Yeah, [DING]    No, he's meaning the 60's group - the Byrds    "F***, Gene Clark's coming!
"    Looking at the playground|    "Turn everything, turn, turn!
"    NOOO!|    Tern still being a bird as well    Yes, yeah    You know who'd play the lead in that?
    Steven Seagull!|    Wahay!
    At the end of the show, congratulations Gary!|    You obviously win this one for just knowing what the film was in the first place!
    You win Updoc!|    What's
 updoc|    Not much!
 What's up with you!|    That's been Chris Joel!
    You've killed him!| You've killed him!
    That's Gary Brannan!|    That's Matt Gray!
    I've been Tom Scott!| That's the end of the series!
 We'll see you next time!|    I can't believe that s*** worked!
    [Translating these subtitles?| Add your name here!
]  Is this what I had on my stag do?|    I remember that!
    Well, you do more than I do, let's be honest(!|)    I just remember the injuries, Tom,    and the pain involved
    Oh, no, I thought you were talking about the  meal afterwards!|    Not the paintball
    Oh my god| Yes, and that
    -- His stag do, we went on paintball|  -- We did
    And then they said, right, stags and the birthday  boys, line up for the shooting gallery|    One shot at you
    Which I was fine with|  I thought, I can take that
    I've had more than that in the course of the  day    I'd been wearing a pink tabard with a target  on it for all of it    which is "what you do when you're on these  things"(!|)    So I've taken a fair few shots to all over  my body
    And then they say, "one shot" -- no, it's  not one shot|    Everyone just unloads their guns towards you
    Yeah, I think the point I realised afterwards|  you're supposed to run away
    Everyone apart from you did|    And I just stood and took a hail of pellets!
    Like, we took a few shots|    I was in that position!
    Then most of our group went "no, no, that's  enough"    "This is wrong!|"    Everyone else is like "he's not running"!
    The point was, I'm just stood up, I'm supposed  to just stand there and go    "have at it again", basically, but I think  they'd have brought out, I imagine,    a paint cannon or something    that would have just loaded up with a tin  of Dulux, just firing it!|    In the tin!
    The thing I remember more from that paintball,  Tom,    is you trying to use your grenade|    Oh, I'd forgotten that!
    There was a castle at the top of the slope,    Tom's idea was to try and somehow, I don't  know,    spook them out that a ghost was coming or  something    by throwing a very small can of smoke|    I had a smoke grenade!
 I wanted to use the  smoke grenade!|    Yeah
 I don't think the appropriate place  to use it    is a) a heavily armed fort    which gives away where we are, lest we forget,    because they'll see where it came from,    and b) one of those that's on a hill    where you didn't quite get it to the apex  of the hill    and it rolled back down towards us|    It was a smokescreen!
    |disguising us within a smokescreen    which is novel(!
)| Let's put it this way
  In military terms|    Unless we'd sprang out from the other side  of the smoke,    we had very little hope
    That's fair|    You
 you fumigated your own side|    Although, if you're getting me with this,    then I'm going to get you with the aerial  ropes course
    Where you had the zip line|    And it wasn't a zip line down
 Zip line across|    So you put enough energy in, you'll go off
  Unless|    I'd like to stress at this point, it was a  very shallow angle on the rope
 Right?|    
unless you fail to stick the landing,    in which case you bounce off the far tree,  and you just|    Did you do a Boris Johnson?
!|    -- No!
 -- Yes!| In the middle, dangling
    Oh, actually, yes|    And someone has to come along with a large  thing for him to grab on to    and drag him over    And then I nearly did it again!
    Yeah, you nearly did|    All right?
 It was like one-all, on that one|    On the other hand, you got married, so you  won in the end
  I always thought that, as the curtain closes  and the coffin sort of slides away:    Thunderbirds music|    Actually, no, Stingray would be better,  with the whole city descending
    No, I was thinking the bit where they|  you know, Thunderbird 3, they sort of go back
    GARY: Ohhh, yes!|    Have the thing tilt over backwards like
    That was Thunderbird 1, wasn't it|  Not 3
 3 was the sofa|    Thunderbird 2 would be a better coffin delivery system
  if we're actually going here|    MATT: [Laughs]  TOM: Yeah, that's true
    Because you've got the combination of slides that could  take you all the way down to the crematorium|    Gentlemen!
 Gentlemen:  Themed crematorium|    MATT: Oooo
  GARY: [Gasps]    Also| How does Thunderbird 3 launch?
    [Roar of flame]    Are you saying Jeff Tracy should have combined  his millionaire's tropical island with a crematorium?|    Yeah
 And then when you're picking up the urn|    you've basically got Thunderbird 2 comes along  and all the pods go by
    CHRIS: 'Oh, there's Granddad!|'  TOM: [Mechanical whirring]    Are we making a series of crematorium gags here?
    Yes| To be
    To go where no man has been before|    Crematorium Thunderbirds jokes, let's be clear
    Let's be fair| We're not completely stupid and irresponsible
    We're talking about, you know, aligning kids' favourites  with death| It's what they all need
    So you could have like a Virgil Vigil?|    Ohhhh
    I like| that's not worth biscuits, it's just a
  Yeah| That's a golf clap
 A golf-clap pun there|    It's a lovely knock-down
    Four| only just made it over the ropes
    GARY: Yeah| Yeah
  MATT: 'Golf-clap pun|'    Tell you what you could do
    You could replace all the paintings of the sons with whoever it is that's dead, couldn't you?|    Yeah, but the thing is, when the eyes light up
    |that's when you know they've hit the flames!
    If you *haven't* watched Thunderbirds, the last  couple of minutes have been very confusing for you|    GARY: Pause it
 Just get a 'Best Of'|  TOM: Yeah
    Erm| we were on the coffin ray
    Do they spread the Black Death?|  [Coughs]    TOM: Ahh!
  GARY: Ahh|    TOM: Golf-clap pun
  GARY: Yeah, golf clap|    We'll just signal that one for
    Why are we reaming Matt today?| What's he done?
    TOM: It's normally me, so I'm not complaining|  CHRIS: Ah, fair
  This is the Technical Difficulties,  we're playing Citation Needed|    Joining me today:  he reads books y'know, it's Chris Joel
    Third time's a charm|    Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan
    Join me in my secret expedition,    to Noel Edmonds' secret underground bunker|    of filth!
    And the bounciest man  on the internet, Matt Gray!|    Today's show is sponsored by the word cuneiform
    Getting highbrow here|    In front of me I have an article from  Wikipedia and these folks can't see it
    Every fact they get right is a a point, and a|    You OK there?
    Might be reaching coffee saturation|    I'll start being funny any minute now
    Can we just|    Good siren noise there
    Can we just take a minute to acknowledge  how good that siren noise was?|!
    In front of me I've got an article from  Wikipedia and these folks can't see it|    Every fact they get right is a a point, and a ding [DING]
    And there's a special prize for  particularly good answers which is:    ♫[MYSTERY BISCUITS]♫    You will put your back out doing that  at some point, Gary|    All in the name of wit
    And today we are talking about Thomas Midgley Jr|    Son of Thomas Midgley?
    I mean one would assume so, yeah|    It doesn't explicitly say that here
    It'll be under early life| I'm pretty sure
    It's not!| It just said where he was born
  Which was the town of Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania|    Also known as a 'Slut Drop'
    I said that before I thought about it!|    - That's a better joke than I was thinking about
  - Pennsylvania, you're it this week!|    Either that, or it's a town at the bottom of a cliff
    Above it is a large woodland|  With a very heavily disguised edge of cliff
    "What are we going to call this place?|"    That's my impression of a beaver, by the way
    I don't know what noise they make  when they hit the ground, I've never seen it|    A siren noise by the sound of it
    Oh, it's a trumpet|    Yeah
    Yeah| Grew up in Ohio, then
 And went to Cornell University with a degree in mechanical engineering|    He sounds like an awful person(!
)    His father was an inventor and he was an inventor  and he made, I t

train.py

import numpy as np
from keras.utils import to_categorical
from keras.preprocessing.sequence import pad_sequences
from keras.preprocessing.text import Tokenizer
from keras import models
from keras import layers
from keras import callbacks
from sklearn.model_selection import train_test_split
from keras.utils import to_categorical

def load(file):
    X=[]
    Y=[]
    with open(file,encoding="utf-8") as f:
        for line in f.readlines():
            X.append(line.lowe