Funny quotes from https://eternallybored.org/misc/quits.txt

gistfile1.txt

I have the 8 Ball in my back pocket. I figure that makes me kind of a defense contractor. And I ought to get paid like one, meaning grossly overpaid.	-- Richard Kadrey: Kill City Blues
There's only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.	-- Aristotle
Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe, or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.	-- Arthur C. Clarke
History is a set of lies agreed upon.	-- Napoleon Bonaparte
The only time the word "incorrectly" isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.
Back when PHP had less than 100 functions, the function hashing mechanism was strlen(). In order to get a nice hash distribution of function names across the various function name lengths, names were picked specifically to make them fit into a specific length bucket.	-- Rasmus Lerdorf
<Raborn> I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.
What language do deaf people think in?
"A five-tailed fox!" Owen exclaimed. "Why'd it have five tails? Does it have five arseholes?"	-- Kevin Hearne: Shattered
"Sharing is caring." "Unlike most American voters, I have built up an immunity to rhyming slogans."	-- Kevin Hearne: Shattered
There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Patriotism is, fundamentally, a conviction that a particular country is the best in the world because you were born in it...	-- George Bernard Shaw
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.	-- Boyle's Fourteenth Law
There was the apple with a chunk missing, which (so Thalia had been led to believe) commemorated the suicidal poisoning of the info-theorist Turing himself.	-- Alistair Reynolds: The Prefect
It is the nature of the human species to reject what is true but unpleasant and to embrace what is obviously false but comforting.	-- H.L. Mencken
It's nice to know that my launch to orbit won't have any pesky back-up systems weighing me down.	-- Andy Weir: The Martian
I'm sure it'll turn out to be a little hole somewhere, then NASA will have 4 hours of meetings before telling me to cover it with duct tape.	-- Andy Weir: The Martian
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.	-- Napoleon Bonaparte
Never in the history of opinions have I been wrong, except for that one time when I thought I was wrong.	-- Glen Cook: Wicked Bronze Ambition
I’ve had some experience with the hangover phenomenon. This day might not be filled with sunshine and joy. I started it with the traditional vow never to do anything as stupid again until the next time.	-- Glen Cook: Wicked Bronze Ambition
I know a joke about UDP, but you might not get it.
Because without a death penalty, Christianity wouldn't exist.
Gray is a color; grey is a colour.
"I don't believe in aging," said the Knight. "Do enough of it, and you die."	-- Simon R. Green: Casino Infernale
Power comes from wallsockets	-- Starwhite
Without reference to Wikipedia, can you tell me what the difference is between The Internet, The World Wide Web, a web-browser and a search engine?
So, if you expect the unexpected, you'll get what you expect?
There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things and off-by-one errors.
[].map.call( "Batman", function( x, y, z ) { return !y && z || +x }).reverse().join( " " );
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above-average drivers.
You must know by now we Brits are going metric inch by inch!	-- Greg Chapman
Technically Emily should be the one to do it, given that she was the youngest, but Emily was cooking a dead cat over the stove and had to keep stirring it.	-- Ilona Andrews: On the Edge
Ideas are like potatoes. No matter how many ways you turn your idea around, looking for the best possible angle, it’s got lumps and somebody out there wanted cauliflower.
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.	-- Dylan Thomas
Curious that we spend more time congratulating people who have succeeded than encouraging people who have not.	-- Neil deGrasse Tyson
Space, the last best hope for peace. These are the voyages of the Millennium Falcon. Its five-year mission: to find technology to defeat the Goa'uld.
"Let me make sure I have this straight. The cavalry just now rode into town and it’s a Czech Gypsy porn-star zombie killer. Have I got that right?"	-- Richard Kadrey: Kill the Dead
You can never be too careful with the truly righteous—their faith allows them to justify all kinds of underhanded behaviour.	-- Simon R. Green: Just Another Judgement Day
At least most of the dead had been cleared away now, though it took weeks. The Necropolis furnaces ran full-time, and a lot of restaurants boasted a Soylent Green special on their menus, for the more discerning palates.	-- Simon R. Green: Hell to Pay
Though we nearly lost everything last month, when the mainframe got possessed by Sumerian demons, and we had to call in a technodruid to exorcise it. I’d never heard language like that before, and even after it was all over, the office still smelled of burning mistletoe for weeks.	-- Simon R. Green: Agents of Light and Darkness (Nightside 2)
I strap on the body armor, which feels tough enough, but closes with Velcro strips. I know this is state-of-the-art gear, but I'd feel more confident if it wasn't held together with the same stuff they use to fasten kids' sneakers.	-- Richard Kadrey: Sandman Slim
Most people are not looking for provable truths. As you said, truth is often accompanied by intense pain, and almost no one is looking for painful truths. What people need is beautiful, comforting stories that make them feel as if their lives have some meaning. Which is where religion comes from.	-- Haruki Murakami, 1Q84
"HR?" "Human Resources." "In Brussels that kind of department is referred to as the Office for Personkind Enablement. Resources sounds like something you dig out of the ground."	-- Peter F. Hamilton: Great North Road
<apo_> I just built a crontab that builds crontabs on another box, so it can wake up the first box in time for it to run its crontabs :D
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One of my moneymaking ideas is to write a virus, and copyright it, and sue everyone who gets infected. Impossible? Just like GMO crops!	-- AndyCanfield
Live your Life in such a way that the Westboro Baptist Church will want to picket your funeral.
The whole principle is wrong; it's like demanding that grown men live on skim milk because the baby can't eat steak.	-- Robert A. Heinlein on Censorship (from The Man Who Sold the Moon)
The human eye is a wonderful device. With a little effort, it can fail to see even the most glaring injustice.
Small investors are indeed very important to the stock market, in much the same way that stranded motorists are important to B-grade horror movie plots...
How do you generate a random string? Put a new user in front of VIM and tell him to save and quit.	-- Duane Morin
varInt := StrToInt('-' + IntToStr(varInt)); // Convert to negative number
How does Moses make his tea? HEBREWS IT. Then he sells it for prophet.
Punch a psychic today: ask them if they saw it coming.
Cigarettes are like squirrels. They're perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.	-- A Programmer (@1Pr0grammer)
Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.	-- Steven Weinberg
Look, no one's hating Apple for selling this stuff. We're just saying you're stupid for buying it.
Zombies eat brains, so don't worry - you're safe.
sweater, n a garment worn by children when their mother is cold
I believe in free will, but I don't really have a choice.
Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there and finding it!	-- Oscar Wilde
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.	-- Umberto Eco
War is a way of shattering to pieces, or pouring into the stratosphere, or sinking in the depths of the sea, materials which might otherwise be used to make the masses too comfortable, and hence, in the long run, too intelligent.	-- George Orwell: 1984
It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.	-- Terry Pratchett
Just as the absurd acts which prohibited the sale of game were virtually repealed by the poacher, just as many absurd revenue acts have been virtually repealed by the smuggler, so will this law be virtually repealed by piratical booksellers.	-- Thomas Babington Macaulay on copyright, 1841
You this read wrong.
The process takes just over six seconds, and would sound like a coffee machine passing an aluminum baseball bat if there were any atmosphere to carry the sound.	-- Howard Tayler: Schlock Mercenary
Revised log levels proposal: "fyi," "wtf," and "omg."
And I don't offend religious people, they offend themselves.	-- Markus Persson (notch)
Never memorize anything you can look up in a book.	-- Albert Einstein
Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider than that!	-- George Carlin
A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.	-- Max Planck
Anyone with a bit of common sense should see through the ploy. Unfortunately, this is testimony before Congress.	-- Mike Masnick (TechDirt)
foot, n. a device used for finding Lego bricks in the darkness
Eskimos may have 50 words for snow, but in Slovenia have at least 60 words for the states of drunkeness.
Sin is an imaginary disease invented to sell you an imaginary cure.
Zero Defects, n. The result of shutting down a production line.
Flight attendants tell us to turn off all electronic devices under the guise they could interfere with the plane's navigation system, meaning that if the terrorists really wanted to cause some damage, all they had to do was read their Kindle during takeoff.
Computers are terrific - they beget terror.
The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit.	-- Richard Pryor
Saying time travel is impossible is a really safe bet. If it turns out time travel is possible, they can always go back in time and change their statement.  But since they haven't changed their statement then that means time travel is impossible.
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts.
I sometimes wish lipstick really would.
The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.	-- Gehm's Corollary to Clarke's Third Law
#define sizeof(x) rand()
typeof(string).GetField("Empty").SetValue(null, "Empty");
UNIX was not designed to stop its users from doing stupid things, as that would also stop them from doing clever things.	-- Doug Gwyn
XSLT is a failure wrapped in pain. There's no job for which XSLT is the right tool. If you think you found a job for which XSLT is a good tool, chances are the job itself is fucked up.	-- masklinn
Arguing that Java is better than C++ is like arguing that grasshoppers taste better than tree bark.	-- Thant Tessman
Java is, in many ways, C++--.	-- Michael Feldman
This 'users are idiots, and are confused by functionality' mentality of Gnome is a disease. If you think your users are idiots, only idiots will use it.	-- Linus Torvalds
facebook is like a jail: you sit around, waste time, have a profile picture, write on walls and get poked by guys you don't really know.
Q: How can you tell if somebody owns an Apple product? A: Don't worry, they'll tell you.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The trouble with quotes found on the Internet is that they often turn out to be unreliable.	-- William Shakespeare
These were also the same guys who used a simplified hungarian notation in Java. To them, this meant that every variable name except for Strings and primitives was prefixed with an o ... because everything is an Object.... yup...	-- Xyro, TheDailyWTF forums
Stupidity cannot be cured. Stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death. There is no appeal, and execution is carried out automatically and without pity.	-- Robert A. Heinlein
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best, he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear his shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house.	-- Robert A. Heinlein
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. 	-- Douglas Adams
Puritanism - the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.	-- Henry Mencken
The curious thing about .Net is that it allows you to use any language you want, as long as it's C#.
If Ingress is the way inside and Egress the way out, does that make Congress the way to a scam?
Understanding ... is like trying to paint a rose on a fart. Not only is it impossible, even if you DO manage it - what would be the point?
and we didn't "bypass" we "raped through every possible orifice and some we made ourselves"	-- marcan on PS3 security
The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language.	-- Ron Sercely
I invented the term 'Object-Oriented', and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.	-- Alan Kay
There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.	-- C.A.R. Hoare
Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code.	-- Christopher Thompson
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.	-- Brian W. Kernighan
It is easier to port a shell than a shell script.	-- Larry Wall
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
Try building a profile of yourself based on the targetted spam you recieve.  I'm a geriatric single-mom with erectile dysfunction.
Calling ‘atheism’ a religion is like calling ‘bald’ a hair color.	-- Don Hirschberg
#include <unistd.h> | #define Bork for | #define bork fork() | int main() { Bork(bork ;; bork) bork; }
The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking.	-- Terry Pratchett
"I'm the head wizard now. I've only got to give an order and a thousand wizards will ... uh ... disobey, come to think of it, or say 'What?', or start to argue. But they have to take notice."	-- Archchancellor (Terry Pratchett: Lords and Ladies)
Jesus may be able to walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.
I always wanted to have a job in construction or at a hardware store just so I could eat some pink cotton candy in front of someone in a situation that would make them think I was eating fiberglass insulation.	-- Chris Hallbeck
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.	-- Voltaire
It's amazing how the the human mind does not process the the fact I used the the word "the" twice each time.
9Look at you, 3hacker9. A pathetic 3creature9 of meat and bone, panting and sweating as you run through my corridors. How can you challenge a 3perfect9, 3immortal machine9?
drug, n: A substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.	-- The Wizard of Oz (from Marin County newspaper's TV listing)
Because nothing says "I have faith in God" like 3 inches of bulletproof glass on popemobile.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.	-- Groucho Marx
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.	-- H.L. Mencken
How many SEO experts does it take to change a light bulb, lightbulb, light, bulb, lamp, lighting, switch, sex, xxx, hardcore
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.	-- Mark Twain
The greatest trick god ever pulled was building the universe to look exactly like he didn't exist.
You know you created god in your image when he hates the same people you do.
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.	-- Borstelmann's Rule
Programmer thinks that he needs to validate an e-mail address. "I know," he says, "I'll use a regexp!" Now the user has a problem.
Science can destroy religion by ignoring it as well as by disproving its tenets. No one ever demonstrated, so far as I am aware, the non-existence of Zeus or Thor - but they have few followers now.	-- Arthur C. Clarke
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.	-- Seneca
Do not meddle in the internals of kernels, for they are subtle and quick to panic.
Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A: I neither know, nor care.
I maintain there is much more wonder in science than in pseudoscience. And in addition, to whatever measure this term has any meaning, science has the additional virtue, and it is not an inconsiderable one, of being true.	-- Carl Sagan
The real problem is not that those who stop believing in God will believe in anything, but that those who have faith in God can justify doing anything.	-- Simon Morris
If you have a few hundred followers, and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.	-- Bill Maher
Pandas are the least racist animals: they're black, white and asian!
The effect of a cosmetic program on the Finn's grotesque features was definitely the weirdest thing Bobby had ever seen, as though somebody had gone after the face of a dead gopher with a full range of mortician's crayons and paraffin injections.	-- William Gibson: Count Zero
After that, anyway, I felt better, and didn't throw up again for almost ten seconds.	-- Neal Stephenson: Anathem
The moment a person forms a theory, his imagination sees in every object only the traits which favor that theory.	-- Thomas Jefferson
Debating creationists on the topic of evolution is rather like trying to play chess with a pigeon — it knocks the pieces over, craps on the board, and flies back to its flock to claim victory.	-- Scott D. Weitzenhoffer
Give man a fish, and he's fed for a day. Give man a religion, and he dies of starvation while praying for a fish.
Any fool can use a computer. Many do.	-- Ted Nelson
When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion.	-- Robert Pirsig
If at least two walls aren't shored up with balks of timber then it's not a true witch's cottage at all, but merely the home of some daft old bat who reads tea leaves and talks to her cat.	-- Terry Pratchett: Lords and Ladies
It's not English. It's legalese, a completely different language which looks confusingly similiar.
The other day Windows told me I might be a victim of software counterfeiting. Funny, I always thought I was a beneficiary.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.	-- Will Rogers
A man should live forever or die trying.	-- Spider Robinson
Ignorance is no barrier to certainty.
The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8m/sec²
C++ is a modern language where your parent can't touch your privates but your friends can!
Female software engineers become sexually irresistible at the age of consent, and remain that way until about thirty minutes after clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.	-- Scott Adams
The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.	-- Charles de Gaulle
A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"
If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution.	-- Robert Sewell
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.	-- Robert A. Heinlein
I have never won a debate with an ignorant person. -- Ali ibn Abi Talib
I used to believe in reincarnation, but that was in a previous life.
All great truths begin as blasphemies.	–– George Bernard Shaw
They could not know that this was because Greebo, as a matter of feline pride, would attempt to fight or rape absolutely anything, up to and including a four-horse logging wagon.	-- Terry Pratchett: Witches Abroad
If Klingons had invented Usenet, killfiles really would...
'And you have to shout -' He tried to remember some far-off reading. '- er, bonsai. Yes. Bonsai!'	-- Terry Pratchett: Reaper Man
The idea that I can be presented with a problem, set out to logically solve it with the tools at hand, and wind up with a program that could not be legally used because someone else followed the same logical steps some years ago and filed for a patent on it is horrifying.	-- John Carmack
Education is learning the rules...experience is learning the exceptions.
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.	-- Mark Twain
Computers work fine as long as users aren't allowed anywhere near them.
Explaining a word requires other words which in turn must be explained with others, and so on and on without end. Communicating is just an illusion.
You don't have to burn books to destroy culture. Just get people to stop reading them. -- Ray Bradbury
The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.
Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.	-- Bill Gates
I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.	-- Bjarne Stroustrup
Little expense had been spared to create the impression that no expense had been spared.
Replication with a nonconfigured partner is not allowed.	-- net helpmsg 4006
The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
There are times, Sember, when I could believe your mother had a secret lover. Looking at you makes me wonder if it was one of my goats.	-- David Gemmel, The King Beyond the Gate
It would seem that everything is easier on a mac after all - right down to the exploits.
Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis. It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.	-- Stephen Roberts
When I die, I want to go like my Grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like all of the passengers in his car.
If you eat a live toad first thing in the morning, nothing worse will happen all day long.	-- California saying;	To you or the toad.	-- Niven's restatement;	—well, most of the time anyway ...	-- programmer's caveat
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.	—- Jones Law - ... and sometimes the real trick is telling the difference.	-- addendum
The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea.
Kiss a pair of boobs and the movie's rated R. Chop them off and it's PG-13.	-- Jack Nicholson (?)
Life is what happens to you when you had other plans.	-- John Lennon
It's bad luck to be superstititious.	-- Law of Superstition
All general statements are false.	-- The Ultimate Law
That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons of history.	-- Aldous Huxley
Python: executable pseudocode. Perl: executable line noise.
Generations have been working in jobs they hate, just so they can buy what they don't really need. -- Chuck Palahniuk
Do not believe any statistic you didn't falsify yourself.
Man created gods. The opposite remains to be proved.	-- Serge Gainsbourg
The reward for work well-done is more work.
error compiling committee.c: too many arguments to function
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.	-- Hofstadter's Law
The Japanese really love nature. For instance, the art of bonsai. That's where they take a little baby tree and torture it for years.
Did you know that when you smile at someone you exercise nine different muscles and if you beat them to death you exercise 147 different muscles.
Some people have some weird fetishes. Which is fine. Then they take photos of them. Which is not.
NOTICE: Thank you for noticing this new notice. Your noticing it has been noted. And will be reported to the authorities.
I don't see what C++ has to do with keeping people from shooting themselves in the foot. C++ will happily load the gun, offer you a drink to steady your nerves, and help you aim.	-- Peter da Silva
It is better to stay silent and be thought a fool, than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.	-- Abraham Lincoln
The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.	-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of DEC
He who created god was a fool, he who spreads his name is a scoundrel, and he who worships him is a barbarian. -- Periyar E. V. Ramasamy
Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect.	-- Harry Dresden
The two aspiring triangle peaks arching into an abstracted ‘M’ typified the progressive leadership-minded outlook of the company.	-- Motorola exec on their logo
Microsoft is like a case of herpes. You can't kill it off entirely, just force it to go into a dormant stage for a while.
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. -- Evil Overlord List #1
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. -- Evil Overlord List #2
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. -- Evil Overlord List #3
Shooting is not too good for my enemies. -- Evil Overlord List #4
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. -- Evil Overlord List #5
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. -- Evil Overlord List #6
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No." -- Evil Overlord List #7
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. -- Evil Overlord List #8
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. -- Evil Overlord List #9
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. -- Evil Overlord List #10
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. -- Evil Overlord List #11
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. -- Evil Overlord List #12
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. -- Evil Overlord List #13
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.	-- Evil Overlord List #14
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. -- Evil Overlord List #15
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." -- Evil Overlord List #16
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. -- Evil Overlord List #17
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. -- Evil Overlord List #18
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father. -- Evil Overlord List #19
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. -- Evil Overlord List #20
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. -- Evil Overlord List #21
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. -- Evil Overlord List #22
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. -- Evil Overlord List #23
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) -- Evil Overlord List #24
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. -- Evil Overlord List #25
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. -- Evil Overlord List #26
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. -- Evil Overlord List #27
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. -- Evil Overlord List #28
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. -- Evil Overlord List #29
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. -- Evil Overlord List #30
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. -- Evil Overlord List #31
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. -- Evil Overlord List #32
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions. -- Evil Overlord List #33
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.	-- Evil Overlord List #34
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.	-- Evil Overlord List #35
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. -- Evil Overlord List #36
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. -- Evil Overlord List #37
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. -- Evil Overlord List #38
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. -- Evil Overlord List #39
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. -- Evil Overlord List #40
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. -- Evil Overlord List #41
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.	-- Evil Overlord List #42
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. -- Evil Overlord List #43
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. -- Evil Overlord List #44
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. -- Evil Overlord List #45
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor. -- Evil Overlord List #46
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.	-- Evil Overlord List #47
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. -- Evil Overlord List #48
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. -- Evil Overlord List #49
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks. -- Evil Overlord List #50
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. -- Evil Overlord List #51
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. -- Evil Overlord List #52
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. -- Evil Overlord List #53
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. -- Evil Overlord List #54
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. -- Evil Overlord List #55
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. -- Evil Overlord List #56
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual. -- Evil Overlord List #57
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. -- Evil Overlord List #58
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. -- Evil Overlord List #59
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. -- Evil Overlord List #60
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. -- Evil Overlord List #61
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight. -- Evil Overlord List #62
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. -- Evil Overlord List #63
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. -- Evil Overlord List #64
If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. -- Evil Overlord List #65
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. -- Evil Overlord List #66
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. -- Evil Overlord List #67
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again. -- Evil Overlord List #68
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. -- Evil Overlord List #69
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. -- Evil Overlord List #70
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. -- Evil Overlord List #71
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them. -- Evil Overlord List #72
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. -- Evil Overlord List #73
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. -- Evil Overlord List #74
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. -- Evil Overlord List #75
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) -- Evil Overlord List #76
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. -- Evil Overlord List #77
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." -- Evil Overlord List #78
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. -- Evil Overlord List #79
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. -- Evil Overlord List #80
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. -- Evil Overlord List #81
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. -- Evil Overlord List #82
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. -- Evil Overlord List #83
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. -- Evil Overlord List #84
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." -- Evil Overlord List #85
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. -- Evil Overlord List #86
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. -- Evil Overlord List #87
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. -- Evil Overlord List #88
After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.  -- Evil Overlord List #89
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. -- Evil Overlord List #90
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. -- Evil Overlord List #91
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) -- Evil Overlord List #92
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. -- Evil Overlord List #93
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. -- Evil Overlord List #94
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. -- Evil Overlord List #95
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. -- Evil Overlord List #96
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled. -- Evil Overlord List #97
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. -- Evil Overlord List #98
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. -- Evil Overlord List #99
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. -- Evil Overlord List #100
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. -- Evil Overlord List #101
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. -- Evil Overlord List #102
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. -- Evil Overlord List #103
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. -- Evil Overlord List #104
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. -- Evil Overlord List #105
If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this. -- Evil Overlord List #106
Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason. -- Evil Overlord List #107
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed. -- Evil Overlord List #108
I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along. -- Evil Overlord List #109
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.	-- Evil Overlord List #110
I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed. -- Evil Overlord List #111
I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans. -- Evil Overlord List #112
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency. -- Evil Overlord List #113
I will never accept a challenge from the hero. -- Evil Overlord List #114
I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.	-- Evil Overlord List #115
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range. -- Evil Overlord List #116
No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!" -- Evil Overlord List #117
If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded. -- Evil Overlord List #118
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead. -- Evil Overlord List #119
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue. -- Evil Overlord List #120
If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless. -- Evil Overlord List #121
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.	-- Evil Overlord List #122
If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering. -- Evil Overlord List #123
Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago. -- Evil Overlord List #124
Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise. -- Evil Overlord List #125
Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track. -- Evil Overlord List #126
Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution. -- Evil Overlord List #127
I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable. -- Evil Overlord List #128
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena. -- Evil Overlord List #129
All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away. -- Evil Overlord List #130
I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach. -- Evil Overlord List #131
Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance. -- Evil Overlord List #132
If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting. -- Evil Overlord List #133
If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.) -- Evil Overlord List #134
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.) -- Evil Overlord List #135
If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red. -- Evil Overlord List #136
Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget. -- Evil Overlord List #137
The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective. -- Evil Overlord List #138
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.) -- Evil Overlord List #139
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering. -- Evil Overlord List #140
As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero. -- Evil Overlord List #141
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids. -- Evil Overlord List #142
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor. -- Evil Overlord List #143
I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way. -- Evil Overlord List #144
My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code. -- Evil Overlord List #145
If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage. -- Evil Overlord List #146
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously. -- Evil Overlord List #147
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work. -- Evil Overlord List #148
Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling. -- Evil Overlord List #149
I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet". -- Evil Overlord List #150
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant. -- Evil Overlord List #151
I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit. -- Evil Overlord List #152
My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles. -- Evil Overlord List #153
I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit. -- Evil Overlord List #154
If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends. -- Evil Overlord List #155
If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available. -- Evil Overlord List #156
Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen. -- Evil Overlord List #157
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad. -- Evil Overlord List #158
If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell. -- Evil Overlord List #159
Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them. -- Evil Overlord List #160
I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy. -- Evil Overlord List #161
If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display. -- Evil Overlord List #162
When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp. -- Evil Overlord List #163
I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero. -- Evil Overlord List #164
As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room. -- Evil Overlord List #165
If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again. -- Evil Overlord List #166
If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius. -- Evil Overlord List #167
I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate. -- Evil Overlord List #168
If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls. -- Evil Overlord List #169
I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion. -- Evil Overlord List #170
I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above. -- Evil Overlord List #171
I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift. -- Evil Overlord List #172
Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero. -- Evil Overlord List #173
If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.	-- Evil Overlord List #174
I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated. -- Evil Overlord List #175
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion. -- Evil Overlord List #176
If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition. -- Evil Overlord List #177
If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him. -- Evil Overlord List #178
I will not outsource core functions. -- Evil Overlord List #179
If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.	-- Evil Overlord List #180
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire. -- Evil Overlord List #181
I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion. -- Evil Overlord List #182
Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.	-- Evil Overlord List #183
I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British). -- Evil Overlord List #184
If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon. -- Evil Overlord List #185
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices. -- Evil Overlord List #186
I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses. -- Evil Overlord List #187
I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes. -- Evil Overlord List #188
I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain. -- Evil Overlord List #189
If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version. -- Evil Overlord List #190
I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC. -- Evil Overlord List #191
If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman. -- Evil Overlord List #192
If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax. -- Evil Overlord List #193
I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits. -- Evil Overlord List #194
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them. -- Evil Overlord List #195
I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me. -- Evil Overlord List #196
I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed. -- Evil Overlord List #197
I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know. -- Evil Overlord List #198
I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory. -- Evil Overlord List #199
During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor. -- Evil Overlord List #200
I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings. -- Evil Overlord List #212
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study. -- Evil Overlord List #218
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job. -- Evil Overlord List #219
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries. -- Evil Overlord List #226
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility. -- Evil Overlord List #227
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache. -- Evil Overlord List #228
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source. -- Evil Overlord List #229
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon. -- Evil Overlord List #230
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club. -- Evil Overlord List #231
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot. -- Evil Overlord List #232
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction. -- Evil Overlord List #233
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date. -- Evil Overlord List #234
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting. -- Evil Overlord List #235
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design. -- Evil Overlord List #236
I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings. -- Evil Overlord List #237
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape. -- Evil Overlord List #238
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.) -- Evil Overlord List #239
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds. -- Evil Overlord List #240
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero. -- Evil Overlord List #241
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer. -- Evil Overlord List #242
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study. -- Evil Overlord List #243
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job. -- Evil Overlord List #244
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave." -- Evil Overlord List #245
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate. -- Evil Overlord List #246
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!" -- Evil Overlord List #247
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals. -- Evil Overlord List #248
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors". -- Evil Overlord List #249
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway. -- Evil Overlord List #250
I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike. -- Evil Overlord List #251
I will never bait a trap with genuine bait. -- Evil Overlord List #252
If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well. -- Evil Overlord List #253
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively. -- Evil Overlord List #254
I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality. -- Evil Overlord List #255
Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles. -- Evil Overlord List #256
You know you live in Saskatchewan ... if driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know you live in Saskatchewan ... if you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
You know you live in Saskatchewan ... if you have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You know you live in Saskatchewan ... if you find -20 degrees "a little chilly."
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Documentation is like sex: when it's good, it's very good, and when it's bad it's still better than nothing.
Light a fire for a man, and he's warm for a day. Light a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, even though I'm not yet sure about the universe.	-- A. Einstein
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.	-- Gordon R. Dickson
Our chances of being caught by the RIAA or IFPI are somewhat less than being hit by lightning - or choking on a wasabi-flavoured peanut.	-- TheRegister
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."	So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were:  Adults $5.00, children $2.50.  So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
In the west, Eastern religions are exotic and have strange powers. In the east, Western religions are exotic and have strange powers. The afterlife is always greener on the other side.
Swipe cards don't work because every six weeks or so security sends someone around to clean them with a dirty cleaning card and it takes a couple of swipes to get rid of the grime they deposited. -- BOFH
If the art world was ran by the RIAA, you would have to lease special glasses if you wanted to see a painting. -- Rodney Caston
Democracy: the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.	-- H. L. Mencken
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.	-- Paul Fix
Where python would say you can skin a cat with a knife, so adding other methods would just make the language hard to learn,  perl acknowledges that sometimes you may need to skin a live tiger, so it gives you a rifle as well.
Debian comes in three flavours: stale, rusting and broken.
Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Connection Reset by Gypsies with Wire Cutters
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.	-- Jerome K. Jerome
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.	-- Groucho Marx
I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.	-- Stephen Hawking
I remember being impressed with Ada because you could write an infinite loop without a faked up condition. The idea being that in Ada the typical infinite loop would normally be terminated by detonation.	-- Larry Wall
Theory: we know everything, but nothing works. Practice: things work, but we don't know why. Combine them: nothing works, and we don't know why.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...
If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.  -- Patrick's Theorem
Intelligence is the ability to avoid doing work, yet getting the work done. -- Linus Torvalds
Shortly after Dr. Samuel Johnson had published his Dictonary of the English Language (in 1755), a splendid British lady approached him and congratulated him on omitting all improper and coarse words from his dictionary.	"Ah," replied Dr. Johnson, "so you have been looking for them, Madam?"
Be nice to the USA, or they'll bring you freedom.
We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways.	-- Samuel McChord Crothers
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.	-- Mark Twain
Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves. -- Robert Anton Wilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.	-- Rita Mae Brown
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.	-- George Carlin
The sentence 'On the fish and chips-sign he wanted to have a hyphen between fish and and and and and chips.' would be a lot clearer if there was a quotation mark between 'between' and 'fish' and 'fish' and 'and' and 'and' and 'and' and 'and' and 'and' and 'and' and 'and' and 'and' and 'and' and 'and' and 'chips' and 'chips' and the point.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
This space intentionally has nothing but text explaining why this space has nothing but text explaining that this space would otherwise have been left blank, and would otherwise have been left blank.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead.	-- RFC1925
To err is human; to really foul things up takes a computer.
To err is human; to moo bovine.
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.	-- Vique's Law
The difference between something that can go wrong and something that can't go wrong is that, when the thing that can't go wrong goes wrong, it's usually impossible to get at or fix.
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.	-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.	-- Larry Hardiman
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.	-- Henry Cate, VII
Marriage is not a word, it's a sentence. A life sentence...
Remember: A secretary isn't permanent until she's been screwed on the desk...
Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR. That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. -- Mark Twain
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it is also more nourishing.	-- H. L. Mencken
Sex is dirty - if you do it right.	-- Isaac Asimov
Doesn't it strike you as mildly ironic that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?	-- George Carlin
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.	-- George Carlin
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.	-- Terry Pratchett
The likelihood of Perl being involved in a system is directly proportional to the length of time the system has been in maintenance.
Women and Cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it.	-- Robert Heinlein
An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness.	-- Margaret Atwood
If God had intended us to go around naked, He would have made us that way.	-- Olum's Observation
You know that old saying, 'Strike while the iron is hot?' Well, I think that's a pretty dumb saying, 'cause I'll betcha a cold iron will hurt like hell, too.  -- Charlie Acord
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.	-- Dean Acheson
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.	-- Douglas Adams
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.	-- Douglas Adams
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.  -- Dudley Moore
We're not lost. We're locationally challenged.	-- John M. Ford
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.	-- Noel Coward
In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.	-- Napoleon Bonaparte
To get as fewest unhappy people as possible, always bully the same ones.
The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.	-- Art Spander
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.  -- Jeff Marder
Everything we know about the Devil has been told us by the the friends of God.
Programming is like sex becuse: 1. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Programming is like sex becuse: 2. Once you get started, you’ll only stop because you’re exhausted.
Programming is like sex becuse: 3. It takes another experienced person to really appreciate what you’re doing.
Programming is like sex becuse: 4. Conversely, there’s some odd people who pride themselves on their lack of experience.
Programming is like sex becuse: 5. You can do it for money or for fun.
Programming is like sex becuse: 6. If you spend more time doing it than watching TV, people think you’re some kind of freak.
Programming is like sex becuse: 7. It’s not really an appropriate topic for dinner conversation.
Programming is like sex becuse: 8. There’s not enough taught about it in public school.
Programming is like sex becuse: 9. It doesn’t make any sense at all if you try to explain it in strictly clinical terms.
Programming is like sex becuse: 10. Some people are just naturally good.
Programming is like sex becuse: 11. But some people will never realize how bad they are, and you’re wasting your time trying to tell them.
Programming is like sex becuse: 12. There are a few weirdos with bizarre practices nobody really is comfortable with.
Programming is like sex becuse: 13. One little thing going wrong can ruin everything.
Programming is like sex becuse: 14. It’s a great way to spend a lunch break.
Programming is like sex becuse: 15. Everyone acts like they’re the first person to come up with a new technique.
Programming is like sex becuse: 16. Everyone who’s done it pokes fun at those who haven’t.
Programming is like sex becuse: 17. Beginners do a lot of clumsy fumbling about.
Programming is like sex becuse: 18. You’ll miss it if it’s been a while.
Programming is like sex becuse: 19. There’s always someone willing to write about the only right way to do things.
Programming is like sex becuse: 20. It doesn’t go so well when you’re drunk, but you’re more likely to do it.
Programming is like sex becuse: 21. Sometimes it’s fun to use expensive toys.
Programming is like sex becuse: 22. Other people just get in the way.
And the Lord said unto John: Come forth and receive eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.
Pets are better than children because: 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
I worked for 22 years in the tourism industry in Niagara Falls. I have watched thousands of tourists cross the border in mid-July wearing parkas, with the roofrack loaded with skis. God bless 'em.
Being a Web 2.0 system, the CMS used JavaScript that dynamically loaded JavaScript that dynamically loaded XML that was dynamically transformed into proprietary commands that were parsed to dynamically execute JavaScript to dynamically load content.
“That’s right, babe,” Cochrane chortled. “We’re not possessors, we’re just like dimensionally disadvantaged.”	-- Peter F. Hamilton: Neutronium Alchemist
Japan actually has a fair amount of land, it's just that about 1/3 of the population seems to want to live in the same 13,000 m².
A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
Please help Conserve Gravity - Play Chess, not Basketball.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.	-- Jeremy S. Anderson
Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate -- the bombs always hit the ground.
In its default setup, Windows XP on the Internet amounts to a car parked in a bad part of town, with the doors unlocked, the key in the ignition and a Post-It note on the dashboard saying, "Please don't steal this."
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums 4? A: Warning label.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
One cup of ramen, / Two cups of boiling water, / Three minutes -- dinner.
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
On the contrary, if you never procreate, neither will your kids.
Why geeks like computers: look chat date touch grep make unzip strip view finger mount fsck more fsck yes spray umount sleep
Why programmers like UNIX: talk, date, touch, grep, make, unzip, strip, view, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
Engineers think that equations approximate the real world. Scientists think that the real world approximates equations. Mathematicians are unable to make the connection.
cd /pub && get beer
MCSE = Must Consult Someone Experienced, Minesweeper Champion, Solitaire Expert, Must Call Someone Else or Moron Claiming System Expertise?
The Japanese make comics about everything from ninja to samurai to superheroes to magical girls to ordinary high school life to frogs from space invading Earth to office ladies being violently raped by otherworldly creatures. - r.a.a.m
I think I remember an episode of MacGyver where he overthrew a violent dictator with a rubber band, 2 bottle caps, and some navel lint.
WINDOWS is to computing what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
Two hotdogs are being boiled. One Hotdog turns to the other and says: "Oh my god, we're being boiled!" The other hot dog turns to the first and says: "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING HOTDOG!!!"
Top reason why compilers are like women: Miss a period and they go crazy
The sum of intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Variables won't. Constants aren't.
Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see.
"Religion is the opiate of the masses."	-- Karl Marx -*- "Winners don't do drugs."	-- The FBI
Perl actually stands for Pathologically Eclectic Rubbish Lister, but don't tell anyone I said that.	-- man perl
Today's BOFH excuse: Zombie processes haunting the computer
Today's BOFH excuse: broadcast packets on wrong frequency
I'm a complex person. I have a real and an imaginary part.
Good programmers treat Microsoft products as damage and route around them.
Never say "Oooops" - always say "Ahhh, interesting..."
It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
I'd call 112 ... but I was downloading a file...
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Asembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
I used to have drug & alcohol problems, but now i have enough money!
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.	-- Steve Wozniak
"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear. And the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown." -- Lovecraft.
How many Unix system vendors does it take to change a light bulb? None.All of the light bulbs you have are'standard variants'and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket.(However you do have the source code for your socket,so...)
Something else worth re-stating is that ACE stinks. Really badly. Like a baboon's ass stuffed with burning tyres. Even Tar is better.	-- dvd8n (CDisplay author)
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harrass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
-How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? -Let's see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program?
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.	-- Robert A. Heinlein
But there, everything has its drawbacks, as the man said when his mother-in-law died, and they came down upon him for the funeral expenses.
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
The Web is a procrastination apparatus: It can absorb as much time as is required to ensure that you won't get any real work done.
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
AAAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse and Ambiguity.
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes ten episodes.
I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it.
I just found out what Alt+F4 does.
Anyone who thinks people lack originality should watch them folding roadmaps.
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
Trying to establish voice contact ... please yell into keyboard.
In every computer error, there are at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
sex is like math: - the clothes, + the bed, / the legs, ...and pray to god you don't multiply.
On-line, adj. The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
cat /dev/coffee | /dev/cup | /dev/mouth | /dev/nose > /dev/keyboard
If I had only finished this sentence,
Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives.
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
/* Return code=1: generic error condition, Return code=2: all other error conditions */
/(,)?#1(\s*-?\d+(\.\d+\.?!|\.\d?=)?(\s+[\.\d]?!|)|\s*,?!)(,|[\.\s\d]$)/
/[,\(\s]?#1(s)(\s+-?\d+(?{}\.\d+)?\s+-?\d+(?{}\.\d+)?\s+-?\d+(?{}\.\d+)?\s+-?\d+(?{}\.\d+)?\s+-?\d+(?{}\.\d+)?\s+-?\d+(?{}\.\d+)?)(\s+-?\d+(?{}\.\d+)?\s+-?\d+(?{}\.\d+)?)+(\)?=|\s|$)/
Consultation, n. Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
Liar, n: one who tells an unpleasant truth.
printk("; corrupted filesystem mounted read/write - your computer will explode within 20 seconds ... but you wanted it so!\n");	-- /usr/src/linux/fs/hpfs/super.c
Eagles may soar, but weasels are seldom sucked into jet engines.
printk("autofs: Out of inode numbers -- what the heck did you do??\n");	-- /usr/src/linux/fs/autofs/root.c
# Basic IBM dingbats, some of which will never have a purpose clear # to mankind	-- /usr/src/linux/drivers/char/cp437.uni
I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard.	-- composer John Cage, 1937
When I was a child...  We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... I was an only child...  eventually.
I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.  -- George Bernard Shaw
Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.
Only thing made by Apple that wouldn't suck would be iVacuum.
BOFH excuse #53: Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming
A bus station is where the bus stops. A train station is where the train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.
Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.	-- Practical application of Theory of Relativity
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
I have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
My computer NEVER cras
"Why are we hiding from the police dad?"	"They use vi. We use emacs."
"Care must be exorcised when handring Opiticar System as it is apts to be sticked by dusts and hand-fat."	-- Japanese Translators | "Keep your fingers off the lens."	-- English Translator
In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penisses, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
I know you think you understand what you thought I said, but I am not sure that what you heard is not what I meant.
We know the speed of light... so, what's the speed of darkness?
If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.
Never put off til tomorow what you can skip altogether.
100 little bugs in the code, 100 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile it again, 102 little bugs in the code, 102 little bugs in the code... (Coder's Ditty)
Sleep, n An inadequate substitute for caffeine
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about everything.
Hardware, n The part of the computer that you can kick.
Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and IRC is NOTHING like Shakespeare.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you."
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Who is this General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.
If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it.
In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see a bit better.
How many AOL users does it take to change a light bulb? Eleven. One to ask to be on the light bulb gif mailing list, nine to say "ME TOO!", and another to post a message asking for the intructions on how to view a light bulb.
Of course, this is not a very secure program... But, we weren't trying to write a security system, just an example for page 9 in this book.	-- Learning Perl, 2nd Edition
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. 
Is there like a way to put a compiler in "Just trust me on that one" mode?
Read what I mean, not what I write.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I spilled Spot Remover on my dog... Now he's gone.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the Earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.	-- J. D. Salinger