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@TrainedHedonist's tweets
View these by putting the ID in the url. I.e. for the first one,
On Twitter: http://twitter.com/TrainedHedonist/status/16086877353
On Favstar: http://favstar.fm/t/16086877353
16086877353: I hope I'm never with a woman that cackles. A laugh, chortle, or guffaw is fine. Cackling, no.
16116045254: Just went jogging and some hotshot blew right by me. I showed him a thing or two when I ran past him and tumbled over a birch tree stump.
16132364963: Discovering the woman you're with is wearing granny panties is sort of like seeing a Unicorn drop a deuce.
16163485559: I like to spice up speed dating with an impromptu existential meltdown.
16180942217: It's been a while since I've had a hangover. It's supposed to feel like John Goodman is sitting on your face, right?
16317523206: "I get what you're saying about climate change, but I would like to talk about pornography now instead." (inappropriate segue)
16341594378: All of my revenge plots include the use of a John Tesh album.
16428874387: The gold chain medallion industry's survival hinges on New Jersey's production of short, swarthy barrel-chested men.
16432578805: Just watched The Hills for the first time. Quick question: When Heidi Montag cries, she's really laughing right?
16475113608: We'll have reached both our evolutionary zenith and low-point when we're all public nude farting.
16475807445: My voice normally sounds like injured Eric Stoltz, but for like a half hour after I wake up I sound like Barry White scolding a puppy.
16517154790: I may be too old for certain greetings."What's up, bro?" just left my mouth with all the grace of a 56 yr old dancing in Lycra booty shorts.
16547547752: If you sang bass in school choir, you can never say the words "bestie" or "fave."
16564588702: The likely prospect of a man grazing another man's sack is why the 70's orgy never got off the ground.
16634739122: I'm starting to suspect Joe Jonas is actually a guy.
16651826570: My boss keeps asking weird, silly questions like "where have you been?", and "where is the work you promised by the deadline?"
16664591101: "So you've got those boobs.." (Pick-up lines that might not work)
16711869133: Coworker: "Big meeting this morning about raising click through rates." Me: "Sounds important.Think there might be boobs?" Coworker: "What?"
16722600159: Listen to Nickelback? There are worse things to be guilty of, but I'd rank this somewhere between murdering a unicorn and wearing Jorts.
16812577116: If you've ever called something "super duper," there's at least one reason we've never hung out.
16814877067: Son: "Daddy, what's a douche?" Father: "A douche is a Dane Cook son, a douche is a Dane Cook." (Responsible Father)
16856848110: Most days I'm as unsure of myself as girl's hands around guy's asses during sex.
16873035151: Whenever I say a girl looks "okay," I really mean she looks like Ethan Suplee.
16910397315: Hey ladies, you know Robert Pattinson has had diarrhea, right? Just saying.
16987234341: Hey, Shamu, news flash: Eating a salad with that double bacon cheeseburger is like playing a Yanni cd for a bear attack.
17028906093: @loljksob On the other hand, people that light cigarettes with burning corpses might be overplaying it a bit.
17036425149: Am I the only one who wonders what became of stock character #8,
"Drugstore Owner" in the movie Troll 2?
17092617425: Publicly laughing at your own bad jokes is tantamount to wearing a stylish cashmere suit coupled with a pair of giant clown shoes.
17137598387: I'll never understand committing to the public nose blow.
17180706843: Whenever you're feeling really cool or sexy, remember: you have an asshole.
17190986389: No, you didn't get out of a time machine, you're just in Wyoming.
17193682284: I'm not afraid of getting old; I'm afraid of wearing adult diapers and aimlessly wandering a Ralph's supermarket with dementia.
17206608002: "I look at you and know that you're lying." (Me losing another bluff to my friend's dog)
17212441844: Whenever I get turned down for anything, I always feel like I look like Albert Brooks.
17247665589: Sometimes when I'm driving I like to dream about being rescued from a burning building by Scarlett Johansson riding on a Pegasus.
17264268570: I think I could handle war. When I say war I mostly mean a slap fight with an Abercrombie & Fitch employee, but still.
17341798178: Ladies, if you turn & see me in what appears to be deep thought, there's a good chance I just quickly turned away from staring at your boobs
17357823257: "Do any of you mind if I crank up this Michael Bolton?" (Inappropriate responses to a building fire)
17374595245: My dreams of being a scholarly professor of stuff end when I fall asleep on page 2 of most books.
17422456585: @shariv67 Or that "Nana" was in fact a devoutly religious middle aged man named Bob that had a prosthetic hand and a tickle fetish.
17423380878: Hey burglars, if I'm all that's standing between you and breaking into my house, just throw a handjob and sandwich over the fence.
17434206210: If a cute girl I'm talking to brings up her boyfriend, I immediately just say "I am so disappointed in you," without any explanation.
17471789445: OCD makes life interesting. Any chance of unbridled joy is tempered by fears I'll turn a corner to find something like a clown eating babies
17503034395: I can barely remember singing along to Tom Waits last night. He would want it that way.
17503459882: Bouncers can never say the word "yippee!"
17512327303: @Favstar "..having new certificate problems on top of the reduced rate limit.." I read that as: "..特 你 吃 饭 否 叽 推 歪 了 吗 推 特 不.."
17513007880: I dare you to not laugh at a naked, sarcastic, fast moving midget late for an important meeting.
17521407339: If you ever invite me to a "potluck," there's a reason we've never spoken before.
17524221938: If there was a jail for unwittingly dressing myself like a 3rd grader going to church in 1986, I'd be in it today.
17529497187: Hey look, it's almost Earliest-Possible-Hour-to-Start-Boozing-to-Contrive-Semblance-of-Dignity-with-the-Neighbors-While-Lying-to-Myself time
17578694293: There's no good excuse for a grown man crying when he doesn't get what he wants.
So I bang pots together instead if anyone asks me for one.
17586350632: My neighbors like to play this game with me where I film them having sex that they call "Hey, get the hell out of here!"
17597790754: When women or children are involved it's important I show courage in the face of danger. When I say courage I mean discreetly soiling myself
17611598640: If you use the words "sophomoric" or "milieu" more than once in one night, you're technically a douche.
17629955988: Giving us assholes was evolution's great equalizer.
17664880064: Kathy Griffin's transformation into Danny Bonaduce is almost complete, and then the Ginger revolution will behold its new leader.
17668299713: If you ever see me pensively staring out into the sparkling twilight in deep reflection, you just saw me thinking about boobs and sandwiches
17679451021: Pretending to be okay with your vuvuzela ringtone hurts more than a year's worth of forced laughter.
17704435283: Sometimes when I'm at a party having a great time, I realize it would be better with people.
17727191672: You could probably persuade me to run around a kennel wearing nothing but a coat made of steaks if you were a woman with an English accent.
17735951343: Peddling religion at my door is a great way to get invited in to watch me nude cry to Beethoven.
17770389942: That fireworks show I just saw was about as fulfilling as a night of mime watching followed with the promise of not-sex.
17797205857: When looking at profile pictures, you can never judge a book by its cover.
Unless there's a visible Nickelback poster on that cover.
17801821276: Smells like someone worked a crab boat, hung out in a morgue, took a dump, went for a jog, and hated showers in here.
17808525956: Your enthusiasm for openly professing devotion to Twilight movies is matched by my enthusiasm to fast track status you to the unfollow queue
17812441585: The confidence I exude reassures friends and family that I'm full of shit.
17826115139: I like to imagine the engine of commerce is kept running smoothly due to the inundation of detailed complaint letters sent by people w/ OCD.
17829145763: I nod and wink at people in Chinatown like I know an aerial kick fight might break out. They look back at me like I'm 4.
17879261894: Sometimes I think about how unrealistically hot Megan Fox is, but then I remember she's probably had diarrhea.
17881590185: I don't mean to brag, but I'm secure enough in my heterosexuality to get a boner watching men's volleyball tournament DVDs in slow motion.
17889046078: GF: "Busty Sluts Who Like Anal 3?" Me: "That's not what you think it is." (Things I say to earn not sex)
17898008917: Taking a bath is a euphemism for stewing in your own filth.
17928412940: You know that thing that tells you it's time to publicly address the elephant in the room? That thing probably likes uncomfortable silences.
17956001528: I think more people would answer my closed ended questions with a "yes" if I played film noir suspense music as I waited for their response.
17966404900: Im the type of guy who'll enter a room full of seated people, see only 1 empty chair next to someone, & shoot that chair with a rusty musket
17991036167: "Quick, Billy! Take hold of my butt!" (Opportunistic Conspicuously Gay Scout Troop Leader)
18015778441: I have basic fears just like everyone else - losing my job, getting sick, being accosted by a roving gang of retarded children, etc.
18018571330: @JeniScagnetti Your last name sounds so crime bossy.
18019076166: @shariv67 Most people don't know Jesus boozed it up pretty hard and still successfully managed a Canaanite escort service on weekends.
18042187968: Smells like a wet bag of taxi drivers in here.
18066477635: Wanting to punch a birthday clown whenever you hear Ke$ha songs playing is normal, right?
18074072721: My penchant for hiding my full grown man body in cupboards is lost on "adulty" house guests.
18086403432: To get the most out of my dates, I toast champagne glasses full of domestic beer with my pinky extended and say the word "exquisite" a lot.
18131899231: #FF My fantasies include them telling jokes in roller skates (only) @AnotherSkirt @Smmythe @anjeanettec @offfromcenter @RonnieWK @Cexelia
18132346687: "Don't make me massage your balls and then giggle lightheartedly!" (Ineffectual Conspicuously Gay Threats)
18163139424: Whenever I hear someone drive by playing gangster rap, what I actually hear is one less person competing for my job.
18206982386: To avoid awkwardness down the road I like to get the donning-a-cape-hiding-under-tables-crying-softly thing out of the way on the first date
18209988395: "Come to our Christian retreat fellowship." - Translation: "I like to watch you sleeping and can skillfully knit a sweater from pubic hair."
18223138883: Sometimes when I'm at the office, I like to play Hide-and-Seek with my boss...except with cars...and he doesn't know we're playing.
18283400841: "Wow, time has not been kind to you! You are hideous! Ha ha! Just kidding." (When "just kidding" means "fuck you")
18291164199: My commitment to forgetting it's my turn for yard work is tougher than Sam Elliott's voice.
18346915693: I think it's important to tell poor people even though they're gross and depressing, they're still people sort of. It's the little things.
18368049186: I can never tell the difference between a gay guy farting and a Darth Vader impersonation.
18450289834: In an effort to cast my dating net wider I've decided to get into rollerblading. Also quadriplegic shitting. But mostly rollerblading.
18465099796: @favstar50 This means I can skip through malls in diapers effusively reciting Foreigner lyrics with impunity, right? If not, I'm in trouble.
18465331456: I just got 50 stars. I think I'll celebrate by..lethargically watching MASH reruns while halfheartedly laughing & force feeding myself bran.
18497710979: I just realized there's no way to say "penis inside her vagina" without thinking of sex. Go ahead try it.
18500638864: If you've never seen a giant girl scout beating a hasty retreat, it's because you've never gone camping with me and heard animal noises.
18543969279: Sometimes I wonder why I'm plummeting off of a hotel balcony, but then I remember Lady Antebellum.
18548073090: I wonder if I should tell my therapist my "happy place" is the magical kingdom just beyond Zach Galifianakis's beard forest.
18617334157: When I see Ryan Reynolds shirtless 2 things come to mind:My workout routine of laying w/cheeseburgers needs work & I should leave his closet
18624633267: Now convinced Mel Gibson accidentally got switched with on screen character Martin Riggs, & Mel's stuck in a catering van somewhere.
18627446773: I only care about what's on the inside, unless you're fat.
18634622904: If you ever farted in my car midsummer during a heatwave and then laughed, just know I imagined shooting you in the face with a bazooka.
18654641452: My morning pick-me-ups have gone from coffee to Red Bull to No-Doz to meth. Now I just hide cobras in the pantry the night before.
18696050177: If you ever need a me recoiling in horror, you'll get a lot of mileage out of a picture of Howdy Doody.
18697186124: If you ever need me to recoil in horror, you'll get a lot of mileage out of a picture of Howdy Doody.
18707126102: #FF They make me laugh and cry.. but more laugh: @AnotherSkirt @anjeanettec @offfromcenter @RonnieWK @Cexelia @kathleensiobhan @ShiTaTwit
18707192889: #FF One of these guys sticks his penis in Sarah Silverman @UncleDynamite @HindSight5050 @robdelaney @thesulk @badbanana
18707436768: Sometimes when I'm living I like to pretend I'm not crying.
18710664826: Guys, mind those tiny, mousy farts at football parties. A revoked Man Card is hard to earn back.
18724902245: Saying "ordacity" instead of audacity? Yeah, sorry. That's a friendship deal breaker.
18742375765: Stepdad just called to see if it was OKAY he visited. Yeah, about as OKAY as hearing Gilbert Gottfried & Fran Drescher argue over megaphones
18752793850: @WittyClitty "poor christian, conservative" Like inheriting a retarded child, only with no excuse for being so obstinate.
18753353518: New Law: You get to publicly extol facile dreck like Justin Beiber when we get to put you in a room full of lifers brandishing tack hammers.
18753845304: New Law: You get to publicly extol facile dreck like Justin Bieber when we get to put you in a room full of lifers brandishing tack hammers.
18779546493: Mel Gibson's custody judge rules he's no danger to daughter. Same judge rules in favor of narcoleptic Authobahn street racers driving Pintos
18782465066: This cup of coffee might as well be a bag full of good karma and IOUs.
18787202841: Likes:Exceptionally shitty old movies. Dislikes:Women w/ Mr.T arm dildos and vaginas the size of hotel lobbies complaining about penis size.
18797729255: If me pissing in sinks is following a natural progression, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what comes next.
18808631936: Playing dead seems like a sly way to not answer certain questions when you meet your gf's parents.
18846619129: Guys, when a girl gets naked & lays in your bed, don't let on you know it's a trick. Sneak out the back & run like the wind. Thank me later.
18856889647: If you rollerskate, juggle, and enthusiastically listen to Jimmy Buffett, it's really important that I punch you.
18930008527: Yeah sure kid laying roadside writhing in a pool of "blood" conveniently near a crumpled bike frame. Like I'm falling for that one.
18939115731: To show friends how streetwise I am, I like to trick hookers by giving them money & driving off before they can give me sex. I still got it.
19004886826: It's important to console people when they're crying to let them know they're being socially awkward.
19022600351: Sometimes I'll clap and say "yay!" But then I remember I'm a man instead.
19091087863: I walk away from people faster than prisoners in a jail shanking queue if they ever describe themselves as "mirthful" in public.
19099477520: Guys, a heads up - When the lady at the grocery counter asks you about your day, that isn't a cue to lean in for a kiss. I know this now.
19109269318: "Refudiate" - If you hold your ear up close to Sarah Palin's hand, you can hear literacy crying.
19262496202: My daily facial expression says "Pfft. I've got this." but my body language says "I could literally be shot in the face at any moment."
19274317651: People that call me misanthropic overlook that I would go out of my way to selflessly help push old people into oncoming traffic.
19285357855: If you don't know what a "mantrum" is, watch me uncomfortably full of food with a sunburn trying to untangle speaker wire.
19355011136: You'd think the most pathetic sound ever was something dying.You'd be right.Its the sound of my manhood dying as I hoist anything over 10lbs
19363253644: #FF They give me boners..I mean laughter. Laughter boners. @JezebelTheGreat @AnotherSkirt @anjeanettec @Cexelia @NiC0DiCE @AristotlesGirl
19363506118: Had meatloaf and fruit parfait last week but no one did the dishes. Dared to look in the sink today and found an 80% complete Justin Bieber.
19370224937: Someone turn down the sun. I'm sweating like Sarah Palin reading out loud.
19384952955: Someone needs to have a talk with Meg Ryan's hair about age-appropriateness.
19434119173: I keep getting compliments on my purse, which would be nice if it wasn't a messenger bag.
19440858422: Boisterously yelling "This is Spartaaa!" at a coworker's cocktail party is the unofficial way of announcing you'll be going home alone.
19449367619: Half my car's miles are accrued speeding off after hearing drivethrough workers speak another language, which is obviously a plot to kill me
19451375906: "Damn girl...What is that like a book and shit?" (Channing Tatum Improv)
19506565262: Playing flag football with a Nerf is like replacing The Shining score with Polka music.
19513411450: Girls, when we're out on a date and you start talking about personal values, you're thinking about flashing your nipple too, right?
19521041622: What My Roommate Says: "Want to go my office party?" What I Hear: "Want to go quietly stand sort of near people and smile painfully?"
19593099676: If a gay guy out-feminines the girl he's hanging out with, that girl is hideous.
19601698434: Ardent, impassioned, breathy declarations of love seems like a bad time to have Tourette's.
19605856513: If I saw a cute girl with only 1 star next to her tweet, and I starred that tweet, that means she imagined having sex with me, right?
19677274829: Fact: If you find a piece of bacon on your shirt and think the word "bonus!" you'll have a heart attack within the next 10 years.
19688356983: Hey, husky, matronly aunt, saying "I could just eat you!" around a baby disqualifies you from holding babies.
19695150748: Somewhere there's a guy in a torn denim vest and headband people forgot to tell being a "Renegade" is gay now.
19700904458: I'm not sure if that last tweet I starred was even funny, but it was so complicated, I figured I better not take any chances.
19753088250: "Get us out of here, Leopold. This part of town has been overrun by effeminate, flamboyant thugs." (Things That Have Never Been Said)
19761093708: We'd dramatically reduce home burglary if law made everyone install well concealed pits full of oiled up middle aged Greek men in Speedos.
19767631700: I learned a few valuable life lessons last night: One is that there is always hope. Two is that one is a lie and my life sucks inexorably.
19785265815: Jagermeister and Rockstar turning you into Higgins from Magnum P.I. is normal, right?
19836417551: This emergency kit comes with pastel green thread. If there's ever a house fire I'll be prepared to sew myself a fashionable cardigan.
19852571285: At work today I winked at a businesswoman who looked back at me like I was an idiot. I decided to leave my cardboard fort and call it a day.
19863172698: Harold the zombie, confident he had a monopoly on disgusting, met his match this day as he inadvertently lumbered into a human's vodka fart.
19869625091: NSFW but majestically lulzworthy: http://www.redtube.com/47
19872765519: Putting your hands on your hips and saying "This is filthy!" counts as cleaning, right?
19926061799: Partied like it was 1999 last night, but woke up like it was a Friday in late July 2010. Can you get Motrin supersized?
19934911703: #FF These ladies are to comedy what Jeff Garlin is to shoddily constructed chairs @YeahImAshley @ll_Tammy_ll @NikiWithIssues
19935276980: The girls in line at the smoothie bar didn't seem very impressed when making my order I replaced honey with "regurgitated insect nectar."
19940090980: There are numerous health benefits to staying thin. Like being able to stare disapprovingly at fat people in clothing stores for example.
19946359230: I'd rather be given a Dutch Oven by Brian Dennehy than make small talk.
20004012348: Don't like how a party is going? With everyone's attention discreetly scream "Zardoz not pleased!" & then shit on the carpet. But be subtle.
20009458479: Drunk kissing makes everyone a great Mick Jagger impersonator.
20077119304: Guys, make strategic use of silence when girls ask silly questions like "How do we escape this fire?" to maintain an air of mystery.
20091600711: I'd rather hear an evening of pillow talk from Stephen Hawking than accidentally turn momentarily to Nickelback on the radio.
20151085531: If my life achievements are a barometer, I should stop making decisions based on answers to the question "what would Steven Wright do?"
20166304108: I think while I slept my hangover was doing push-ups.
20183548027: My resolve to avoid the ambiguously homoerotic male butt slap during recreational softball is tougher than Clint Eastwood's eye muscles.
20237836622: In the spirit of that Texas IRS building plane, I just road my bicycle headlong into the side of a Pizza Hut. Not quite what I was expecting
20245820393: Hey Verizon, as it turns out, being put on hold with bad Romanian pan flute music didn't placate my rage any.
20249341414: 2 tweets ago I meant to write "I 'rode' my bicycle" but I was retarded instead. Now if you'll excuse me I need to bathe with a toaster #typo
20321054842: Fact: If the catering at the wedding you're at serves Hot Pockets, the groom there looks exactly like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
20341269114: Just got a private message from a 38 yr old mom named "xX~$ucKA FreE~Xx" at Myspace. Things are lookin' up.
20394851542: To show my sincerity I'll tell a woman I look into her eyes & it's as if I'm looking upon a child, and then it gets really quiet..but still.
20408693044: Most my dates I hint there might be magic if she plays her cards right, which is fine unless the girl working does incall only or something.
20420779876: You think I'm just some slab of meat you can come and use with your...your shapely thighs...and heaving breasts.... only once?
20491534280: #FF I would walk over..some gravel to hear them tell jokes @Smmythe @AnotherSkirt @anjeanettec @Cexelia @NiC0DiCE @AristotlesGirl @kkilimnik
20491584875: #FF They make me make weird man noises when I laugh @UncleDynamite @HindSight5050 @robdelaney @badbanana @thesulk @juskewitch
20491673296: If I walk into a room playing Evanescence, there's at least 2 seconds I'm sure I just walked in on a mule giving birth.
20512643062: The only thing faster than Tyson Gay is the amount of time it would take to leave consciousness explaining this race to Mike Tyson.
20575456229: @mamarocksreno Aww shucks. And I didn't even have to wear a dress and do people's laundry. I owe you a round.
20575758769: If you could look at my soul under a microscope, you'd probably see a crying circus clown being sodomized by dirty cops.
20590413616: "Surprise! It's Shoot Meth and Make Sure Actor Anthony Hopkins Learns Who We Are day!" (how to surprise a new girlfriend unpleasantly)
20648367990: If your mom shows up at a party you're at and asks around for you, the only way to socially recover from that is to kill everyone there.
20726794758: If you're ever in SF & see a tall, nerdy half-beaner crying theatrically into the heavens, you just saw me after I dropped my phone.
20737695651: At least twice a day reading favstar I think to myself "that's more a confession of lunacy than it is a joke" & one is usually my own tweet.
20822924404: I'm now habituated to the daily illusion that putting little stars next to avatars of boobs or cute faces will do something for my sex life.
20834884250: I'm not afraid of aging, I'm afraid of when unconstrained enthusiasm for hiking in khaki short-shorts becomes cool.
20862666838: @Cexelia I like to pretend you didn't just say you had a husband.
20907760932: I don't have OCD, I just need to get this imperceptible microorganism off my hand, microorganism off my hand, microorganism off my hand.
20930633592: "It's really moist to finally smell you. Your womb looks specimen in person. Let's get oily."(Creepy Choice of Words Guy/Shortest Date Ever)
21000134549: If I see a group of people having too much fun, I'm not above standing near them and cuing despondent moans with the ebbs of their laughter.
21080996376: Guys, if you see a guy friend sauntering around w/ a basket full of baked treats, he's one of them now, and never speak of this to anyone.
21093171001: Friday the 13th means it's okay to pay for stuff with unimpressive magic tricks.
21182325880: The only way to ever truly clean yourself after accidentally knuckle grazing a man's ass in a gym locker room is to set yourself on fire.
21250143064: Sylvester Stallone writes, directs, and is old in the upcoming action feature The Expendables. #Expendables
21258788547: I inspire about as much confidence as a visibly indecisive chubby safari guide does with a stranded party as sun fades in the Serengeti.
21341960021: I never sound more sarcastic than when I say things like, "Hey, how are you?"
21430895210: I could just roll around on beach sand and giggle with Hugh Laurie as the shore tide washed over us. But like in a way that isn't gay.
21520898003: I get the Tom Hanks shaky hands thing from Saving Private Ryan whenever I'm about to cave to the impulse to type the letters "LOL."
21607162596: To my horror today, while buying radicchio, I realized I have no idea what keeps me from asking random women If I can motorboat their boobs.
21702757395: I like to imagine my self-esteem personified as a shirtless Charlton Heston,when really it would probably look like Chuy from Chelsea Lately
21779380096: Just remember, when you're feeling sexy, one day you'll be dragging around in loaded adult diapers, mortally afraid of staircases.
21796875840: Fact: If you wear a smoking jacket when you fart, they sound erudite and sophisticated.
21850805758: Most of the time I can't distinguish between a pug and a New York city cab driver.
21851145659: I trust adults with rosy cheeks about as much as I trust whistling handymen carrying large sets of keys.
21942494556: At this point you could basically put Jeff Daniels and Will Smith in a movie with no script, bang a piano key, and I'd sob like an infant.
21968644974: I think being a man is about looking serious. Also beards and shame. But lots of looking serious.
22017471674: Mind those interior decorating insights at bachelor parties, guys. A month of having to say "How about those Bears?" is a high price to pay.
22025957237: Muggers would get to my wallet faster with a Rachael Ray laughter gun.
22116101647: I'd sooner do facesitting with Sally Struthers than watch an Ice Cube comedy.
22130694816: I've never come to terms with the shitting me.
22131823084: Getting airborne while dancing at a party is another way of saying, "fuck getting laid."
22204820940: On an average day I can be heard saying "fuck it" more than Nicolas Cage styling his hair.
22296100215: My life is a 6 in 10 chance of failure elevator shared with a heavyset, folksy Mormon accountant named Murry.
22304898558: Fact: If you're watching Man Vs Food, it's okay to put everything in your kitchen between two slices of bread and grow man-boobs.
22318271984: All I can remember from the 80's was that it was important to fake-know karate.
22375142100: Show me an unsupervised Republican primordial dwarf, and I'll show you a man drunk with power suddenly given to accidents.
22408603685: Just tried to stealth fart and it came out sounding regal and triumphant somehow. Like it was heralding news of a victorious castle siege.
22412700696: @MmeLaCrooz One bottle of shitty Malbec and suddenly crass bathroom humor isn't beneath me.
22466382545: I'll pretend I'm taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they'll think the future is in good hands.
22556785978: For all of the grief Glenn Beck gets, people forget how effective he was as Nancy Grace.
22584157543: A woman saying "I'm about to come" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you."
22675271570: There's no way to tell a moth they're being socially awkward. I know this now.
22738737135: My choices about what to say to people wearing fanny packs is restrained by the same propriety drunk people use when deciding where to piss.
22817190507: As I grow older older and more mature, I realize I need to be more careful about the crayons that I eat.
22908349776: I almost feel sorry for yodelers for the day they figure how to email punches.
22924573775: Oompa-Loompas were little barrel chested orange people with a learning disability who wore wigs. In other words Willy Wonka employed Guidos.
22997621550: I'd be just as scared If someone held up the bank I was in with a bar of poo.
23078807197: Be a teacher and say "introduce yourself to your neighbor" if you want to see me fumble more words than book shopping with Michael J Fox.
23099467161: When you ask a group of people a question, the person that answered you a second after everyone else is a Glenn Beck fan.
23190564252: If it wasn't for the random passerby with the horrific deformity, I wouldn't know nearly as much about what the top of my shoes looked like.
23264289535: It's a good thing I carefully fold all the laundry I'm just going to throw in a pile later, or else I'd be like not an idiot or something.
23876870459: Hey scrawny kid with the big emo hair that just showy-tore out of the parking lot blaring Good Charlotte. You didn't just "rock out." Sorry.
23945050770: I'd rather watch a 24 hour marathon of Kirk Douglas slow motion eating canned pears than publicly be seen doing a fist pump.
24041504093: Husky men with beards know deep down inside they can't yell in public like everyone else.
24064539839: Whoa. I almost just starred that guy I have a weird, unspoken "no starring ever" tension with for reasons unknown to me. Close call.
24131545416: I may be getting too old for the Exorcist trick I like to play where I piss myself at cocktail parties. Getting some tough crowds.
24147752447: Original Tweet Days Ago: http://bit.ly/aU0gr6 and @chris_jen 's Plagiarism a Few Hours Ago: http://bit.ly/b0PnaJ
24210326519: If I got lightly slapped with riding gloves for every time I've typed "boobs" in the Youtube search field, I'd be dead right now.
24269501647: I choose to remember Val Kilmer as the smart alec "Chris Knight" from Real Genius, not the bloated, ashamed one I just saw.
24304112438: I'd waste a one-use time machine to play an Xbox near Einstein's lab to say the word "elementary" a lot when I knew he was staring.
24397619307: What do you mean?
24413358164: Every time a Tea-Partier says the word "indeed," an airplane engine falls from the sky.
24504386354: Looking for comedy gold in Glenn Beck's life is like looking for vagina in Kate Gosselin.
24603448754: I'd rather devour someone's tumor with crudely fashioned prairie utensils than do a religious campfire sing-a-long.
24694920182: Old lady perfume smells like powdered terrible.
24809565501: That's the last time I go on a date with a chola. She didn't even know who Nietzsche was.
24857813252: Tiny old Italian men theatrically pleading with their hands for me to stop doing something sure would make me want to keep doing said thing.
24964862342: #50cent typing out "Lol" is about as gangster as a drive by slapping in a lavender Smart Car.
25062005625: As it turns out, real life people with stumps weren't in on yesterday's Speak Like a Pirate Day. I know this now.
25148757388: I'd rather get naked & share a bed with a middle-aged, stoic, angry bulldyke construction worker named "Pat" than..Wait, no. No I wouldn't.
25250387452: Anyone that ever saw me cheering on a fist fight, was positive they were looking at someone they were sure they could beat up.
25340824058: Fact: If you sneak away to fart loudly in private and get caught by some innocent person walking by, you have to now hate that person.
25441767899: If a shiny new person joins your group & steals thunder, don't be afraid to introduce topics people have to quietly reflect on, like Darfur.
25526335706: If everyone walked around with their orgasm face, no one would ever get laid.
25620968863: Never. (The Only Time It's Okay For a Man To Hug Another Man)
25622158508: Caveat Lector:When I said "man" below, I meant straight guys. Obviously gay dudes should be free to consensually jizz on each other & stuff.
25722053746: Has anyone ever figured out what that was in the 50's when women screamed with their hand to their mouth & sort of half fainted when upset?
25818629813: I'd sooner trust the integrity of my underwear after a dump followed by an hour of racquetball than I would a mailman with an eye patch.
25915199272: A man gushing effusively about going on tour guided state park trail hikes is basically saying, "You could kill me with a single punch."
25922060980: "Pam Anderson, you've caused me to spill more seed than Muhammad Ali at a bird feeder."- Greg Girlado - RIP (CC Roasts officially suck now)
25922196457: "Pam Anderson, you've caused me to spill more seed than Muhammad Ali at a bird feeder."- Greg Giraldo - RIP (CC Roasts officially suck now)
25943547525: From the looks of some of these avatars, a few of you look to be about 10 years removed from involuntary farting. Something to think about.
26030225107: Think you're thin? Take your shirt off and sit down somewhere. Now look at your stomach. Fat ass.
26133447556: Just when you thought you had your last projectile vomit, you walk in on Wilford Brimley mangina-dancing to "Goodbye Horses" by Q Lazzarus.
26243886133: The easiest way to get a girl to break up with me is to get her to see my reaction to a bug landing on my face.
26332952028: If you're sitting among coworkers & smell a silent fart that no one confesses to, everyone there has a filthy ass from that moment forward.
26393250720: Hey conspicuously heavyset girl that sauntered into the office wearing spandex and a half shirt, you took a shot, but let us all down.
26487116210: Hey Subway, a visibly sweaty sandwich artist is like a hooker named "Aids Anyone?"
26584571082: I'm not religious, but if there was a hell, it couldn't be worse than being stranded at a 24-7 Jersey Shore dance party with no exit doors.
26597276727: Ice Cream Truck music is a euphemistic alert that furry brown men who smell like hot poo & Target aftershave are peddling stale treats.
26685975792: It's hard to take poignant heartfelt vocals seriously when you know earlier the singer's ass sounded like geese attacking a trumpet soloist.
26820501831: "Love at first sight" has its credibility strained to the breaking point every day by long yawns.
26892744343: Jokes aside, if Palin & O’Donnell put their heads together they could come up with like... At least they'd be working together. #ChristineOD
27065501686: Banjo twangs are festive, ceremonious cues that it's time to share your asshole with men who have trouble with two syllable words.
27208112258: Heads up fellas, women don't think boisterously singing your break up with them operatically is more consoling.
27317471548: If you haven't seen a man flail and whimper like a handmaiden in a gulag, it's because you didn't see me do battle with a wasp today.
27404788737: Huh. Turns out that warm, magical sex place on women is attached to feelings and weird stuff.
27516103228: Letting a pug lick bacon grease off your nipple is normal, right? Asking for a friend...of someone else's...who I don't know.
27608194145: "You naughty little minx. I'm gonna bury my face in your fuckbox." (When Errant Text Messages To Mom Can't Be Fixed With A "Sorry")
27697436399: Just got hit on by a heavyset black woman. Or Warren Sapp.
27782231876: I'd rather watch a 72 hour Adam Richman toilet-cam marathon than 5 minutes of anything directed by Tyler Perry.
27868314939: I've somehow made it through a 30yr education about social taboos & etiquette to probably not being above throwing a tantrum for a handjob.
27964488075: Guys overhearing their friend talk on the phone to their girlfriend is the same as walking in on them mirror posing in a thong.
28058443688: If money were no object, my dream house would have a Nutella and boobs room.
28466594142: Note to self: One week into a relationship is too early to fart the sound of a runaway dirt bike speeding over a ketchup squeeze bottle.
28563772756: Milfy hotel clerk lady looking at me like I'm an idiot. I'll keep winking to let her know I'm hip to her lingo that she has "2 rooms vacant"
28624662288: A man suddenly cooing tenderly during sex with a woman seems like a good a way to rebel against manhood.
28710030390: There are 3 basic man rules:
1.Always honor your word
2.Never cry in public
3.Only masturbate while cutting in Target restrooms after 10pm
28723382924: Slapping fat people on the stomach is like stuffing midgets in car tires, it's a tough job, but somebody has to do it.
28826551622: 5 out of 10 Tom Waits fans would be none the wiser if you replaced him mid-tour with Shoeless Winston, our local hobo.
28860349413: "What the hell was that? What the hell was that? What the hell was that?" (Winning Scriptwriter Submission for Ghost Hunters)
28920976307: Just did my annual 5 days before Halloween "Screaming Bearded Man" costume test run at the local rest home. Yep, I've still got it.
29013488226: Listening to my coworkers talk about Trick-or-Treaters, you'd swear they never built their own porch trap door over a pit of cobras before.
29040726584: I'm no Kenyan but put me in a 10k w/ boobs full of vodka in front of me, & a husky retarded man w/ bed sores behind me & I'll win you a race
29046575761: @Speak_N_Spiel Thanks man. I think everyone thinks about nursing from Liz Taylor's teat while recoiling in horror from large retarded men.
29099878858: If somebody says something is "hecka slammin'," there's a pretty good chance they're from a time when AIDS wasn't funny.
29117247021: #FF They are to tweets what fresh babies are to vampire joggers: @CrowdedBalcony @RonnieWK @Slashleen @DamienFahey @Fleshcake @jasonmustian
29117354417: #FF They are to comedy what recess bells are to black roving vans: @adamisacson @robdelaney @badbanana @thesulk @UncleDynamite
29117529200: The weirdest part about kidnapping and torturing your alien clone for answers is finding out it's just some guy that sort of looks like you.
29207918811: I'm a little shaken up, guys. I either just gave birth to Don Cheadle's arm, or had a dual bowel movement.
29231313652: I never know if I'm listening to Avenged Sevenfold or a bathroom stall rendezvous between Nickelback, Creed, Staind, and K-Y Jelly.
29241081863: "I like to drive around chuckling playfully until I hear a thud. What do you think when I say those words to you?" (Me To Any Telemarketer)
29295538569: Have no fear ladies, your car troubles are in someone's capable hands that I can call.
29307809765: If you live in rural bible belt, that means the bump you just heard isn't Fluffy the Tabby cat, but an incorporeal servant of the damned.
29323500127: Look kid, all I'm saying is don't ask me for a "trick" and then get all butthurt when I make your bag of candy disappear.
29402898918: There's a fine line between being spotted in line at Old Navy and getting shot in the face.
29423308440: If a 70's movie aggregate is an indicator, being an acoustic guitar playing Bigfoot expert named Randy was the best way to get laid in 1975.
29502875603: I loved George Clooney in his role as George Clooney, and before that as George Clooney and also George Clooney.
29604024151: Good luck finding me a bride if video of me hearing Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love" come on the radio while home alone ever went viral.
29697271393: If you have a milk shake, and I have a milk shake, we need to knock it off and go get some grown up drinks.
340968351997952: Sure we take them for granted now, but imagine having internet access to all these double amputee facesitting vids when we were kids!
432318854463488: It's important to get that first date table defecation out of the way early so people know where you stand spiritually.
615593002668032: I just defiantly hid some pubes in my pizza I spied an angry Round Table worker spitting on earlier. Ha, now who's laughing, smart guy?
649842988683264: Good job, Phil Griffin, you really showed those network ratings who's boss. #msnbc #Olbermann
711253827780608: #FF They're funnier than midgets with opinions & feelings: @CrowdedBalcony @donni @RonnieWK @Slashleen @DamienFahey @Fleshcake @jasonmustian
713749249921025: #FF The showy cockblockers at the comedy key party: @UncleDynamite @robdelaney @GaryJBusey @PaulyPeligroso @DoubleBerg426 @loljksob
714959126274048: I just exceeded the annual limit a grown man is allowed to babytalk the exclamation "Aww!" while watching a fat guy try to jump a fence.
1003874907328512: Ask me grade school math questions in front of people if you want to see something like Jerry Lundegaard in a parking lot w/ an ice scraper.
1373178240700416: DJ Qualls looks like he got the new guy on a day he got teleported.
1494944699125760: If you're over 40, frequent parks without a shirt, and play a mean game of Hacky Sack, my car brakes don't work for you.
1784149463531520: This husky, matronly Turkish looking woman that just sat next to me in the DMV smells like she just came from a fart party.
2086864743825408: Guys, gf crying about stuff? Play it smart: Try to not show fear, pretend you got a premonition & yell "Grandma's in trouble!" & sprint away
2462490705268736: Need something fixed? This calls for me standing heroically with hands on my hips, nodding reassuredly and trying not to look confused.
2508650782400512: @JackieRebel I'm good for some stuff, like crying into my hands, or eating all of your Nutella.
2811428884979712: I could probably make it in a wilderness survival situation if there were Hostess snack trees, and stuff that wouldn't hurt me.
3211874422226944: #FF They are to comedy what an act of kindness is to women in muumus: @CrowdedBalcony @RonnieWK @Slashleen @DamienFahey @jasonmustian
3212156317204480: #FF They say funny things so you don't bake your children!: @UncleDynamite @robdelaney @GaryJBusey @badbanana @PaulyPeligroso @Fleshcake
3212396554354688: #FF You follow or I'll be forced to.. ask again @DoubleBerg426 @donni @ContactLangley @justsendTulips @YUCKYBOT @VerifyThis @PraxisUniversal
3215989223198720: Farting loudly and telling people I'm a ventriloquist didn't do much to break the ice at this whiny funeral eulogy.
3263600659533824: ‎"Me like fucky!" is more an admission of lunacy than it is terrible pickup line. But as evidence bears out, the drunk me doesn't know that.
3562928271794176: Job market actually looking decent right now. Unless you're Fluid Retention Ninja.
3620420251033600: Kind, furry middle aged men who play tambourines and extol the virtues of holistic medicine get me in touch with my inner stabby child.
3900807028150272: "Nursery fire," can you "get some goddamn help, fast?" Not while there's this couch, pint of Haagen Dazs, & a House MD marathon, you can't.
3952510817542144: Note to Self: "Quick, let's get this boner in you!" doesn't work on the evening shift Jamba Juice counter girl.
4266952050614272: There are worse things to hear than "I will never give up on you!" But probably not while chained to the floor of someone's basement.
4659899724206080: Smells like someone tried to play Beethoven's Symphony No. 3 on their butt trumpet in this taxi.
5026359487238144: Transforming into a mythological creature when you're supposed to be buying groceries is unacceptable behavior.
5366735486066688: Still have no idea why James Bond is on every Wikipedia page.
5407801010552832: Guys, I just had the most horrific nightmare of my life. Think The Shining meets The Ring, or getting a hug from Dr. Phil.
5868649390800896: There's a time & place for having sex w/ your hand & then taking a nap. Fortunately this volunteer mentor guide won't say when/where that is
6144095944704000: The only way today could be more productive is if I did something.
6458972508790785: Once as a boy a Shaman told me wind was the gods talking. That stuck with me. Mostly b/c I threw a banana at him after he said it, but still
6517665757663232: What to do when you think of a good tweet that exceeds the character limit?The only thing you can do, obviously: You set yourself on fire.
6876012952428546: Me: "Want to have sexual relations?"
Her: "Fuck off, creep."
Me: "Could you say other things that are different than what you just said?"
7241686375735296: FACT: You can get away with a mass murder spree if you tell the court it was either that or French kissing John C. Reilly for 5 minutes.
7607212440551424: "I get what you're saying about Darfur, but I would like to talk about pornography now instead." (Inappropriate Segue)
7888805159763970: "We're about to shoot hospitable natives in the face with rusty muskets. Celebratory face stuffing is in order!" (Inception of Thanksgiving)
7933511990251520: Nothing brings the family together on Thanksgiving quite like tossing warm leftovers to displaced Native Americans in a show of nobility.
8280487743193088: While millions struggle with their first food baby quintuplets today, somewhere Adam Richman is casually rectum-sculpting himself a new car.
8365907512401920: I try my hand at writing blogs while inebriated: http://trainedhedonist.tumblr.com/
8710069055135744: George Lucas's neck probably wears a t-shirt when it goes swimming.
8989702610751488: "Pull his restraining order and watch him spring into action! Nice Guy™ sweater set and Shady Van™ sold separately." (Rejected Toy Ideas)
9019085564153857: Calling homeless people "losers" 28 times over the course of a month and suddenly I'm the "asshole."
9376968340410368: If you see a lion in the wilderness, don't let on you know it's your friend who must have followed you there in a deluxe lion suit.
9439343034765312: I'm still not above answering the door to Jehovah's Witnesses with, "Eddie! Holy shit, man you really let yourself go!"
9809179694862338: If you visit Mexico and walk around all day saying "Ro-Salvos-Peenchay-Meego!" while throwing your hat around, nobody will notice.
9841234612846593: I need to stop drinking Ovaltine. I just made a fart that sounded like Bing Crosby hailing a cab.
10078376521900033: When women tell men they're "ovulating," they're really saying "I'm okay w/ using creepy words suggestively, what's that do for ya, sailor?"
10138848801595392: I just conjured a unicorn with the tears of an unemployed sitcom actor and a jar of Justin #Bieber farts.
10508416925573121: Just saw Skyline, guys. Wow, did that movie scare the hell out of my dignity!
10526715008778240: Tonight when burrowing into the delicious, warming tranquility of your comforter, remember that somewhere, someone is having a stroke.
10841055201067008: Smells like Bruce Vilanch's ass has been getting interrogated in here by Bad Cop/Bad Cop.
10873160979185664: I've never bet on horses. Mostly because there's so much I don't know about Arabian Stallions, Brooke Hogans, or Thoroughbreds.
11187994169966592: I'd rather strain my dinner pasta through James Gandolfini's underwear than have something that Glenn Beck touched touch me.
11965070288355328: Zach Braff's voice sounds like no one told him to put his inner child back after group therapy.
12395947849940992: If you hear me fart around a noticeably attractive woman, make a wish.
12609926849372161: If I was Bill O'Reilly I'd buy anything I wanted! Also cry into my hands every morning. But everything I wanted! #oreillyfactor
13026357839667201: I want to see Mel Gibson in The Beaver about as much as I want to see Dennis Franz in plus sized lingerie using his chest as a dinner plate.
13059372934504448: @PaulyPeligroso It's like you can read my mind. Or my weird emails.
13344667353485312: While unruly if you capture them in the wild, a dish of warm milk can make the most uncooperative midget a remarkably docile creature.
13687079108087809: You can never unsee things like Jocelyn Wildenstein's face, those sisters from The Shining, or a perfectly healthy family laughing & playing
14084613710290944: Just tried to road rage, but flustered, I somehow yelled "Shem..Fram! Why don't you fuck my ass?!" We both drove away ashamed and confused.
14493620551811072: If you ignore that glaring typo, just know some of us repeat the tweet to ourselves, then get into a car and drive into a tree.
14814879894470656: This year, if I'm admonished to show "holiday cheer," I'm going to throw a pineapple grenade at a Justin Bieber concert. Dressed as Santa.
14876274451288064: That's the last time I try eggnog without booze in it. I just made a fart that sounded like Fran Drescher reacting to winning a prize.
15285097620049920: I'd rather watch a chubby couple's public display of affection than...Oh wait, no. No I wouldn't.
15511592548433922: A good way to get that guy that talks people down off buildings to run up there so he can go first is describing that new Tyler Perry movie.
15580350897987584: "You don't even have a portable electric fire simulation heater. What are you, primitive?" (Me Camping)
15599434943438848: "Like I'd fall for that. Do I look stupid?" (Something I'd Say While Sitting Nude In Tennis Socks Eating a Bowl of Cookie Dough)
15686198496329728: @Feline_Fatale Perhaps insensitive, but comedy isn't the providence of political correctness, and I think she was fighting for a word.
15884046911410177: #FF Most I follow make me laugh, sometimes even at their jokes, but a few recent favorites #1: @robdelaney @donni @PaulyPeligroso @RonnieWK
15887055569559552: #FF Most I follow make me laugh, sometimes even at their jokes, but a few recent favorites #4: @DamienFahey @shanenickerson @JennyJohnsonHi5
15888390352273408: #FF Unsung Comedy Heroes: @amywithlemon @ContactLangley @CrowdedBalcony @AmusingMoniker @plasticdeer @shelbyfero @dr_ridiculous
15890195874324480: If I had a dime for every time I've cried in public, I'd be a member of a pretty weird bank.
16167430313213952: Didn't have any coffee this morning, but then I turned and unexpectedly saw someone in a Burger King mask so I'm good now.
16672792384643072: Somebody in line here at this Best Buy sure is serious about showing personal hygiene who's in charge.
16695732182458368: You guys that aren't following @AmusingMoniker must not like words that make laughter come out of you.
17026399931990016: You know that magical theme music that played in Ali whenever he got in the zone? I get that whenever I start telling self-deprecating jokes
17230583356719104: Just woke to find a Sally Struthers trying to raid my fridge. I shouted & waved my arms & it shit on my floor & ran off into the night.
17338908769521665: Admit it, if you were drunk, and a chubby, intellectually challenged androgynous Dutch child offered to go down, you'd let Glenn Beck do it.
17399097367461889: A super happy old lady just sang 12 Days of Christmas out loud in the mall! It's okay, she was surrounded & pummeled by a vigilant mob.
17758800333246465: "And what about me, mom?? You think I like having sex with a burrito?" (Bill O'Reilly's Parrot)
17784013531906048: Just read a pun tweet that made me consider calling my grandmother and hanging up.
18006911844618240: If you're ever taken hostage by a guy with a box cutter, but you have a gun, be smart: shoot yourself in the face to distract him.
18138086428909568: Next time you have sex w/ someone, stop for a second, & without instinct objectively look at what is happening. What the fuck are you doing?
18443130831380480: If you catch a fat bearded person in your chimney w/ a sack full of treats tonight, you'll finally believe in the existence of Chastity Bono
18704851072450561: Leaving a Japanese facesitting DVD & bowl of Valiums by the fireplace didn't bring dad home for the holidays, but it did make my date leave.
18861382514515968: Note To Self: Presents containing Post-its that read "IOU" were a big hit. The part when they realize you're not joking could use work.
19122184001687552: Just saw an Italian guy from New Jersey in an Ed Hardy hat reading a book! Ha, just kidding. He was raping.
19473673278717952: Right now in an alternate universe a giant monster is spazzing because another giant is playfully trying to throw a Glenn Beck on her.
19841267173167104: I just want to find a woman I can love unconditionally & spend the rest of my life with. Or least until I accidentally smell her poop.
19941442780667904: Just woke up to a radio alarm playing Teenage Dream so obviously had to go punch some babies.
20145226123317248: Every time you say something you immediately regret, George Bush remembers a big word.
20306213262589952: I love how girls get all aggressive during make-up sex and because it's dark it's not your girlfriend but accidentally her roommate.
20359524690956288: Just found out I have a pastor following me. That's like a snack following Kirstie Alley, or Dakota Fanning following Pedobear.
20416841629306880: The horsey noises I just made reading @juskewitch timeline scared me until I realized that's just my laugh when I'm not faking it. Early #FF
20571887541166081: I'm secure enough in my manhood to make weak broken whimpering sounds if a store is out of my favorite green tea & kelp exfoliation cream.
20675903805726720: I just danced so badly that girls I've fantasized about having sex with called to cancel the first date I haven't asked them out on yet.
21015766455296001: Remember guys, we don't know if sitting on people's laps while they eat dinner is their New Year's tradition, so better be safe than sorry!
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