Skip to content

Instantly share code, notes, and snippets.

What would you like to do?
@TrainedHedonist's tweets
View these by putting the ID in the url. I.e. for the first one,
On Twitter:
On Favstar:
16086877353: I hope I'm never with a woman that cackles. A laugh, chortle, or guffaw is fine. Cackling, no.
16116045254: Just went jogging and some hotshot blew right by me. I showed him a thing or two when I ran past him and tumbled over a birch tree stump.
16132364963: Discovering the woman you're with is wearing granny panties is sort of like seeing a Unicorn drop a deuce.
16163485559: I like to spice up speed dating with an impromptu existential meltdown.
16180942217: It's been a while since I've had a hangover. It's supposed to feel like John Goodman is sitting on your face, right?
16317523206: "I get what you're saying about climate change, but I would like to talk about pornography now instead." (inappropriate segue)
16341594378: All of my revenge plots include the use of a John Tesh album.
16428874387: The gold chain medallion industry's survival hinges on New Jersey's production of short, swarthy barrel-chested men.
16432578805: Just watched The Hills for the first time. Quick question: When Heidi Montag cries, she's really laughing right?
16475113608: We'll have reached both our evolutionary zenith and low-point when we're all public nude farting.
16475807445: My voice normally sounds like injured Eric Stoltz, but for like a half hour after I wake up I sound like Barry White scolding a puppy.
16517154790: I may be too old for certain greetings."What's up, bro?" just left my mouth with all the grace of a 56 yr old dancing in Lycra booty shorts.
16547547752: If you sang bass in school choir, you can never say the words "bestie" or "fave."
16564588702: The likely prospect of a man grazing another man's sack is why the 70's orgy never got off the ground.
16634739122: I'm starting to suspect Joe Jonas is actually a guy.
16651826570: My boss keeps asking weird, silly questions like "where have you been?", and "where is the work you promised by the deadline?"
16664591101: "So you've got those boobs.." (Pick-up lines that might not work)
16711869133: Coworker: "Big meeting this morning about raising click through rates." Me: "Sounds important.Think there might be boobs?" Coworker: "What?"
16722600159: Listen to Nickelback? There are worse things to be guilty of, but I'd rank this somewhere between murdering a unicorn and wearing Jorts.
16812577116: If you've ever called something "super duper," there's at least one reason we've never hung out.
16814877067: Son: "Daddy, what's a douche?" Father: "A douche is a Dane Cook son, a douche is a Dane Cook." (Responsible Father)
16856848110: Most days I'm as unsure of myself as girl's hands around guy's asses during sex.
16873035151: Whenever I say a girl looks "okay," I really mean she looks like Ethan Suplee.
16910397315: Hey ladies, you know Robert Pattinson has had diarrhea, right? Just saying.
16987234341: Hey, Shamu, news flash: Eating a salad with that double bacon cheeseburger is like playing a Yanni cd for a bear attack.
17028906093: @loljksob On the other hand, people that light cigarettes with burning corpses might be overplaying it a bit.
17036425149: Am I the only one who wonders what became of stock character #8,
"Drugstore Owner" in the movie Troll 2?
17092617425: Publicly laughing at your own bad jokes is tantamount to wearing a stylish cashmere suit coupled with a pair of giant clown shoes.
17137598387: I'll never understand committing to the public nose blow.
17180706843: Whenever you're feeling really cool or sexy, remember: you have an asshole.
17190986389: No, you didn't get out of a time machine, you're just in Wyoming.
17193682284: I'm not afraid of getting old; I'm afraid of wearing adult diapers and aimlessly wandering a Ralph's supermarket with dementia.
17206608002: "I look at you and know that you're lying." (Me losing another bluff to my friend's dog)
17212441844: Whenever I get turned down for anything, I always feel like I look like Albert Brooks.
17247665589: Sometimes when I'm driving I like to dream about being rescued from a burning building by Scarlett Johansson riding on a Pegasus.
17264268570: I think I could handle war. When I say war I mostly mean a slap fight with an Abercrombie & Fitch employee, but still.
17341798178: Ladies, if you turn & see me in what appears to be deep thought, there's a good chance I just quickly turned away from staring at your boobs
17357823257: "Do any of you mind if I crank up this Michael Bolton?" (Inappropriate responses to a building fire)
17374595245: My dreams of being a scholarly professor of stuff end when I fall asleep on page 2 of most books.
17422456585: @shariv67 Or that "Nana" was in fact a devoutly religious middle aged man named Bob that had a prosthetic hand and a tickle fetish.
17423380878: Hey burglars, if I'm all that's standing between you and breaking into my house, just throw a handjob and sandwich over the fence.
17434206210: If a cute girl I'm talking to brings up her boyfriend, I immediately just say "I am so disappointed in you," without any explanation.
17471789445: OCD makes life interesting. Any chance of unbridled joy is tempered by fears I'll turn a corner to find something like a clown eating babies
17503034395: I can barely remember singing along to Tom Waits last night. He would want it that way.
17503459882: Bouncers can never say the word "yippee!"
17512327303: @Favstar "..having new certificate problems on top of the reduced rate limit.." I read that as: "..特 你 吃 饭 否 叽 推 歪 了 吗 推 特 不.."
17513007880: I dare you to not laugh at a naked, sarcastic, fast moving midget late for an important meeting.
17521407339: If you ever invite me to a "potluck," there's a reason we've never spoken before.
17524221938: If there was a jail for unwittingly dressing myself like a 3rd grader going to church in 1986, I'd be in it today.
17529497187: Hey look, it's almost Earliest-Possible-Hour-to-Start-Boozing-to-Contrive-Semblance-of-Dignity-with-the-Neighbors-While-Lying-to-Myself time
17578694293: There's no good excuse for a grown man crying when he doesn't get what he wants.
So I bang pots together instead if anyone asks me for one.
17586350632: My neighbors like to play this game with me where I film them having sex that they call "Hey, get the hell out of here!"
17597790754: When women or children are involved it's important I show courage in the face of danger. When I say courage I mean discreetly soiling myself
17611598640: If you use the words "sophomoric" or "milieu" more than once in one night, you're technically a douche.
17629955988: Giving us assholes was evolution's great equalizer.
17664880064: Kathy Griffin's transformation into Danny Bonaduce is almost complete, and then the Ginger revolution will behold its new leader.
17668299713: If you ever see me pensively staring out into the sparkling twilight in deep reflection, you just saw me thinking about boobs and sandwiches
17679451021: Pretending to be okay with your vuvuzela ringtone hurts more than a year's worth of forced laughter.
17704435283: Sometimes when I'm at a party having a great time, I realize it would be better with people.
17727191672: You could probably persuade me to run around a kennel wearing nothing but a coat made of steaks if you were a woman with an English accent.
17735951343: Peddling religion at my door is a great way to get invited in to watch me nude cry to Beethoven.
17770389942: That fireworks show I just saw was about as fulfilling as a night of mime watching followed with the promise of not-sex.
17797205857: When looking at profile pictures, you can never judge a book by its cover.
Unless there's a visible Nickelback poster on that cover.
17801821276: Smells like someone worked a crab boat, hung out in a morgue, took a dump, went for a jog, and hated showers in here.
17808525956: Your enthusiasm for openly professing devotion to Twilight movies is matched by my enthusiasm to fast track status you to the unfollow queue
17812441585: The confidence I exude reassures friends and family that I'm full of shit.
17826115139: I like to imagine the engine of commerce is kept running smoothly due to the inundation of detailed complaint letters sent by people w/ OCD.
17829145763: I nod and wink at people in Chinatown like I know an aerial kick fight might break out. They look back at me like I'm 4.
17879261894: Sometimes I think about how unrealistically hot Megan Fox is, but then I remember she's probably had diarrhea.
17881590185: I don't mean to brag, but I'm secure enough in my heterosexuality to get a boner watching men's volleyball tournament DVDs in slow motion.
17889046078: GF: "Busty Sluts Who Like Anal 3?" Me: "That's not what you think it is." (Things I say to earn not sex)
17898008917: Taking a bath is a euphemism for stewing in your own filth.
17928412940: You know that thing that tells you it's time to publicly address the elephant in the room? That thing probably likes uncomfortable silences.
17956001528: I think more people would answer my closed ended questions with a "yes" if I played film noir suspense music as I waited for their response.
17966404900: Im the type of guy who'll enter a room full of seated people, see only 1 empty chair next to someone, & shoot that chair with a rusty musket
17991036167: "Quick, Billy! Take hold of my butt!" (Opportunistic Conspicuously Gay Scout Troop Leader)
18015778441: I have basic fears just like everyone else - losing my job, getting sick, being accosted by a roving gang of retarded children, etc.
18018571330: @JeniScagnetti Your last name sounds so crime bossy.
18019076166: @shariv67 Most people don't know Jesus boozed it up pretty hard and still successfully managed a Canaanite escort service on weekends.
18042187968: Smells like a wet bag of taxi drivers in here.
18066477635: Wanting to punch a birthday clown whenever you hear Ke$ha songs playing is normal, right?
18074072721: My penchant for hiding my full grown man body in cupboards is lost on "adulty" house guests.
18086403432: To get the most out of my dates, I toast champagne glasses full of domestic beer with my pinky extended and say the word "exquisite" a lot.
18131899231: #FF My fantasies include them telling jokes in roller skates (only) @AnotherSkirt @Smmythe @anjeanettec @offfromcenter @RonnieWK @Cexelia
18132346687: "Don't make me massage your balls and then giggle lightheartedly!" (Ineffectual Conspicuously Gay Threats)
18163139424: Whenever I hear someone drive by playing gangster rap, what I actually hear is one less person competing for my job.
18206982386: To avoid awkwardness down the road I like to get the donning-a-cape-hiding-under-tables-crying-softly thing out of the way on the first date
18209988395: "Come to our Christian retreat fellowship." - Translation: "I like to watch you sleeping and can skillfully knit a sweater from pubic hair."
18223138883: Sometimes when I'm at the office, I like to play Hide-and-Seek with my boss...except with cars...and he doesn't know we're playing.
18283400841: "Wow, time has not been kind to you! You are hideous! Ha ha! Just kidding." (When "just kidding" means "fuck you")
18291164199: My commitment to forgetting it's my turn for yard work is tougher than Sam Elliott's voice.
18346915693: I think it's important to tell poor people even though they're gross and depressing, they're still people sort of. It's the little things.
18368049186: I can never tell the difference between a gay guy farting and a Darth Vader impersonation.
18450289834: In an effort to cast my dating net wider I've decided to get into rollerblading. Also quadriplegic shitting. But mostly rollerblading.
18465099796: @favstar50 This means I can skip through malls in diapers effusively reciting Foreigner lyrics with impunity, right? If not, I'm in trouble.
18465331456: I just got 50 stars. I think I'll celebrate by..lethargically watching MASH reruns while halfheartedly laughing & force feeding myself bran.
18497710979: I just realized there's no way to say "penis inside her vagina" without thinking of sex. Go ahead try it.
18500638864: If you've never seen a giant girl scout beating a hasty retreat, it's because you've never gone camping with me and heard animal noises.
18543969279: Sometimes I wonder why I'm plummeting off of a hotel balcony, but then I remember Lady Antebellum.
18548073090: I wonder if I should tell my therapist my "happy place" is the magical kingdom just beyond Zach Galifianakis's beard forest.
18617334157: When I see Ryan Reynolds shirtless 2 things come to mind:My workout routine of laying w/cheeseburgers needs work & I should leave his closet
18624633267: Now convinced Mel Gibson accidentally got switched with on screen character Martin Riggs, & Mel's stuck in a catering van somewhere.
18627446773: I only care about what's on the inside, unless you're fat.
18634622904: If you ever farted in my car midsummer during a heatwave and then laughed, just know I imagined shooting you in the face with a bazooka.
18654641452: My morning pick-me-ups have gone from coffee to Red Bull to No-Doz to meth. Now I just hide cobras in the pantry the night before.
18696050177: If you ever need a me recoiling in horror, you'll get a lot of mileage out of a picture of Howdy Doody.
18697186124: If you ever need me to recoil in horror, you'll get a lot of mileage out of a picture of Howdy Doody.
18707126102: #FF They make me laugh and cry.. but more laugh: @AnotherSkirt @anjeanettec @offfromcenter @RonnieWK @Cexelia @kathleensiobhan @ShiTaTwit
18707192889: #FF One of these guys sticks his penis in Sarah Silverman @UncleDynamite @HindSight5050 @robdelaney @thesulk @badbanana
18707436768: Sometimes when I'm living I like to pretend I'm not crying.
18710664826: Guys, mind those tiny, mousy farts at football parties. A revoked Man Card is hard to earn back.
18724902245: Saying "ordacity" instead of audacity? Yeah, sorry. That's a friendship deal breaker.
18742375765: Stepdad just called to see if it was OKAY he visited. Yeah, about as OKAY as hearing Gilbert Gottfried & Fran Drescher argue over megaphones
18752793850: @WittyClitty "poor christian, conservative" Like inheriting a retarded child, only with no excuse for being so obstinate.
18753353518: New Law: You get to publicly extol facile dreck like Justin Beiber when we get to put you in a room full of lifers brandishing tack hammers.
18753845304: New Law: You get to publicly extol facile dreck like Justin Bieber when we get to put you in a room full of lifers brandishing tack hammers.
18779546493: Mel Gibson's custody judge rules he's no danger to daughter. Same judge rules in favor of narcoleptic Authobahn street racers driving Pintos
18782465066: This cup of coffee might as well be a bag full of good karma and IOUs.
18787202841: Likes:Exceptionally shitty old movies. Dislikes:Women w/ Mr.T arm dildos and vaginas the size of hotel lobbies complaining about penis size.
18797729255: If me pissing in sinks is following a natural progression, I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what comes next.
18808631936: Playing dead seems like a sly way to not answer certain questions when you meet your gf's parents.
18846619129: Guys, when a girl gets naked & lays in your bed, don't let on you know it's a trick. Sneak out the back & run like the wind. Thank me later.
18856889647: If you rollerskate, juggle, and enthusiastically listen to Jimmy Buffett, it's really important that I punch you.
18930008527: Yeah sure kid laying roadside writhing in a pool of "blood" conveniently near a crumpled bike frame. Like I'm falling for that one.
18939115731: To show friends how streetwise I am, I like to trick hookers by giving them money & driving off before they can give me sex. I still got it.
19004886826: It's important to console people when they're crying to let them know they're being socially awkward.
19022600351: Sometimes I'll clap and say "yay!" But then I remember I'm a man instead.
19091087863: I walk away from people faster than prisoners in a jail shanking queue if they ever describe themselves as "mirthful" in public.
19099477520: Guys, a heads up - When the lady at the grocery counter asks you about your day, that isn't a cue to lean in for a kiss. I know this now.
19109269318: "Refudiate" - If you hold your ear up close to Sarah Palin's hand, you can hear literacy crying.
19262496202: My daily facial expression says "Pfft. I've got this." but my body language says "I could literally be shot in the face at any moment."
19274317651: People that call me misanthropic overlook that I would go out of my way to selflessly help push old people into oncoming traffic.
19285357855: If you don't know what a "mantrum" is, watch me uncomfortably full of food with a sunburn trying to untangle speaker wire.
19355011136: You'd think the most pathetic sound ever was something dying.You'd be right.Its the sound of my manhood dying as I hoist anything over 10lbs
19363253644: #FF They give me boners..I mean laughter. Laughter boners. @JezebelTheGreat @AnotherSkirt @anjeanettec @Cexelia @NiC0DiCE @AristotlesGirl
19363506118: Had meatloaf and fruit parfait last week but no one did the dishes. Dared to look in the sink today and found an 80% complete Justin Bieber.
19370224937: Someone turn down the sun. I'm sweating like Sarah Palin reading out loud.
19384952955: Someone needs to have a talk with Meg Ryan's hair about age-appropriateness.
19434119173: I keep getting compliments on my purse, which would be nice if it wasn't a messenger bag.
19440858422: Boisterously yelling "This is Spartaaa!" at a coworker's cocktail party is the unofficial way of announcing you'll be going home alone.
19449367619: Half my car's miles are accrued speeding off after hearing drivethrough workers speak another language, which is obviously a plot to kill me
19451375906: "Damn girl...What is that like a book and shit?" (Channing Tatum Improv)
19506565262: Playing flag football with a Nerf is like replacing The Shining score with Polka music.
19513411450: Girls, when we're out on a date and you start talking about personal values, you're thinking about flashing your nipple too, right?
19521041622: What My Roommate Says: "Want to go my office party?" What I Hear: "Want to go quietly stand sort of near people and smile painfully?"
19593099676: If a gay guy out-feminines the girl he's hanging out with, that girl is hideous.
19601698434: Ardent, impassioned, breathy declarations of love seems like a bad time to have Tourette's.
19605856513: If I saw a cute girl with only 1 star next to her tweet, and I starred that tweet, that means she imagined having sex with me, right?
19677274829: Fact: If you find a piece of bacon on your shirt and think the word "bonus!" you'll have a heart attack within the next 10 years.
19688356983: Hey, husky, matronly aunt, saying "I could just eat you!" around a baby disqualifies you from holding babies.
19695150748: Somewhere there's a guy in a torn denim vest and headband people forgot to tell being a "Renegade" is gay now.
19700904458: I'm not sure if that last tweet I starred was even funny, but it was so complicated, I figured I better not take any chances.
19753088250: "Get us out of here, Leopold. This part of town has been overrun by effeminate, flamboyant thugs." (Things That Have Never Been Said)
19761093708: We'd dramatically reduce home burglary if law made everyone install well concealed pits full of oiled up middle aged Greek men in Speedos.
19767631700: I learned a few valuable life lessons last night: One is that there is always hope. Two is that one is a lie and my life sucks inexorably.
19785265815: Jagermeister and Rockstar turning you into Higgins from Magnum P.I. is normal, right?
19836417551: This emergency kit comes with pastel green thread. If there's ever a house fire I'll be prepared to sew myself a fashionable cardigan.
19852571285: At work today I winked at a businesswoman who looked back at me like I was an idiot. I decided to leave my cardboard fort and call it a day.
19863172698: Harold the zombie, confident he had a monopoly on disgusting, met his match this day as he inadvertently lumbered into a human's vodka fart.
19869625091: NSFW but majestically lulzworthy:
19872765519: Putting your hands on your hips and saying "This is filthy!" counts as cleaning, right?
19926061799: Partied like it was 1999 last night, but woke up like it was a Friday in late July 2010. Can you get Motrin supersized?
19934911703: #FF These ladies are to comedy what Jeff Garlin is to shoddily constructed chairs @YeahImAshley @ll_Tammy_ll @NikiWithIssues
19935276980: The girls in line at the smoothie bar didn't seem very impressed when making my order I replaced honey with "regurgitated insect nectar."
19940090980: There are numerous health benefits to staying thin. Like being able to stare disapprovingly at fat people in clothing stores for example.
19946359230: I'd rather be given a Dutch Oven by Brian Dennehy than make small talk.
20004012348: Don't like how a party is going? With everyone's attention discreetly scream "Zardoz not pleased!" & then shit on the carpet. But be subtle.
20009458479: Drunk kissing makes everyone a great Mick Jagger impersonator.
20077119304: Guys, make strategic use of silence when girls ask silly questions like "How do we escape this fire?" to maintain an air of mystery.
20091600711: I'd rather hear an evening of pillow talk from Stephen Hawking than accidentally turn momentarily to Nickelback on the radio.
20151085531: If my life achievements are a barometer, I should stop making decisions based on answers to the question "what would Steven Wright do?"
20166304108: I think while I slept my hangover was doing push-ups.
20183548027: My resolve to avoid the ambiguously homoerotic male butt slap during recreational softball is tougher than Clint Eastwood's eye muscles.
20237836622: In the spirit of that Texas IRS building plane, I just road my bicycle headlong into the side of a Pizza Hut. Not quite what I was expecting
20245820393: Hey Verizon, as it turns out, being put on hold with bad Romanian pan flute music didn't placate my rage any.
20249341414: 2 tweets ago I meant to write "I 'rode' my bicycle" but I was retarded instead. Now if you'll excuse me I need to bathe with a toaster #typo
20321054842: Fact: If the catering at the wedding you're at serves Hot Pockets, the groom there looks exactly like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
20341269114: Just got a private message from a 38 yr old mom named "xX~$ucKA FreE~Xx" at Myspace. Things are lookin' up.
20394851542: To show my sincerity I'll tell a woman I look into her eyes & it's as if I'm looking upon a child, and then it gets really quiet..but still.
20408693044: Most my dates I hint there might be magic if she plays her cards right, which is fine unless the girl working does incall only or something.
20420779876: You think I'm just some slab of meat you can come and use with your...your shapely thighs...and heaving breasts.... only once?
20491534280: #FF I would walk over..some gravel to hear them tell jokes @Smmythe @AnotherSkirt @anjeanettec @Cexelia @NiC0DiCE @AristotlesGirl @kkilimnik
20491584875: #FF They make me make weird man noises when I laugh @UncleDynamite @HindSight5050 @robdelaney @badbanana @thesulk @juskewitch
20491673296: If I walk into a room playing Evanescence, there's at least 2 seconds I'm sure I just walked in on a mule giving birth.
20512643062: The only thing faster than Tyson Gay is the amount of time it would take to leave consciousness explaining this race to Mike Tyson.
20575456229: @mamarocksreno Aww shucks. And I didn't even have to wear a dress and do people's laundry. I owe you a round.
20575758769: If you could look at my soul under a microscope, you'd probably see a crying circus clown being sodomized by dirty cops.
20590413616: "Surprise! It's Shoot Meth and Make Sure Actor Anthony Hopkins Learns Who We Are day!" (how to surprise a new girlfriend unpleasantly)
20648367990: If your mom shows up at a party you're at and asks around for you, the only way to socially recover from that is to kill everyone there.
20726794758: If you're ever in SF & see a tall, nerdy half-beaner crying theatrically into the heavens, you just saw me after I dropped my phone.
20737695651: At least twice a day reading favstar I think to myself "that's more a confession of lunacy than it is a joke" & one is usually my own tweet.
20822924404: I'm now habituated to the daily illusion that putting little stars next to avatars of boobs or cute faces will do something for my sex life.
20834884250: I'm not afraid of aging, I'm afraid of when unconstrained enthusiasm for hiking in khaki short-shorts becomes cool.
20862666838: @Cexelia I like to pretend you didn't just say you had a husband.
20907760932: I don't have OCD, I just need to get this imperceptible microorganism off my hand, microorganism off my hand, microorganism off my hand.
20930633592: "It's really moist to finally smell you. Your womb looks specimen in person. Let's get oily."(Creepy Choice of Words Guy/Shortest Date Ever)
21000134549: If I see a group of people having too much fun, I'm not above standing near them and cuing despondent moans with the ebbs of their laughter.
21080996376: Guys, if you see a guy friend sauntering around w/ a basket full of baked treats, he's one of them now, and never speak of this to anyone.
21093171001: Friday the 13th means it's okay to pay for stuff with unimpressive magic tricks.
21182325880: The only way to ever truly clean yourself after accidentally knuckle grazing a man's ass in a gym locker room is to set yourself on fire.
21250143064: Sylvester Stallone writes, directs, and is old in the upcoming action feature The Expendables. #Expendables
21258788547: I inspire about as much confidence as a visibly indecisive chubby safari guide does with a stranded party as sun fades in the Serengeti.
21341960021: I never sound more sarcastic than when I say things like, "Hey, how are you?"
21430895210: I could just roll around on beach sand and giggle with Hugh Laurie as the shore tide washed over us. But like in a way that isn't gay.
21520898003: I get the Tom Hanks shaky hands thing from Saving Private Ryan whenever I'm about to cave to the impulse to type the letters "LOL."
21607162596: To my horror today, while buying radicchio, I realized I have no idea what keeps me from asking random women If I can motorboat their boobs.
21702757395: I like to imagine my self-esteem personified as a shirtless Charlton Heston,when really it would probably look like Chuy from Chelsea Lately
21779380096: Just remember, when you're feeling sexy, one day you'll be dragging around in loaded adult diapers, mortally afraid of staircases.
21796875840: Fact: If you wear a smoking jacket when you fart, they sound erudite and sophisticated.
21850805758: Most of the time I can't distinguish between a pug and a New York city cab driver.
21851145659: I trust adults with rosy cheeks about as much as I trust whistling handymen carrying large sets of keys.
21942494556: At this point you could basically put Jeff Daniels and Will Smith in a movie with no script, bang a piano key, and I'd sob like an infant.
21968644974: I think being a man is about looking serious. Also beards and shame. But lots of looking serious.
22017471674: Mind those interior decorating insights at bachelor parties, guys. A month of having to say "How about those Bears?" is a high price to pay.
22025957237: Muggers would get to my wallet faster with a Rachael Ray laughter gun.
22116101647: I'd sooner do facesitting with Sally Struthers than watch an Ice Cube comedy.
22130694816: I've never come to terms with the shitting me.
22131823084: Getting airborne while dancing at a party is another way of saying, "fuck getting laid."
22204820940: On an average day I can be heard saying "fuck it" more than Nicolas Cage styling his hair.
22296100215: My life is a 6 in 10 chance of failure elevator shared with a heavyset, folksy Mormon accountant named Murry.
22304898558: Fact: If you're watching Man Vs Food, it's okay to put everything in your kitchen between two slices of bread and grow man-boobs.
22318271984: All I can remember from the 80's was that it was important to fake-know karate.
22375142100: Show me an unsupervised Republican primordial dwarf, and I'll show you a man drunk with power suddenly given to accidents.
22408603685: Just tried to stealth fart and it came out sounding regal and triumphant somehow. Like it was heralding news of a victorious castle siege.
22412700696: @MmeLaCrooz One bottle of shitty Malbec and suddenly crass bathroom humor isn't beneath me.
22466382545: I'll pretend I'm taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they'll think the future is in good hands.
22556785978: For all of the grief Glenn Beck gets, people forget how effective he was as Nancy Grace.
22584157543: A woman saying "I'm about to come" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you."
22675271570: There's no way to tell a moth they're being socially awkward. I know this now.
22738737135: My choices about what to say to people wearing fanny packs is restrained by the same propriety drunk people use when deciding where to piss.
22817190507: As I grow older older and more mature, I realize I need to be more careful about the crayons that I eat.
22908349776: I almost feel sorry for yodelers for the day they figure how to email punches.
22924573775: Oompa-Loompas were little barrel chested orange people with a learning disability who wore wigs. In other words Willy Wonka employed Guidos.
22997621550: I'd be just as scared If someone held up the bank I was in with a bar of poo.
23078807197: Be a teacher and say "introduce yourself to your neighbor" if you want to see me fumble more words than book shopping with Michael J Fox.
23099467161: When you ask a group of people a question, the person that answered you a second after everyone else is a Glenn Beck fan.
23190564252: If it wasn't for the random passerby with the horrific deformity, I wouldn't know nearly as much about what the top of my shoes looked like.
23264289535: It's a good thing I carefully fold all the laundry I'm just going to throw in a pile later, or else I'd be like not an idiot or something.
23876870459: Hey scrawny kid with the big emo hair that just showy-tore out of the parking lot blaring Good Charlotte. You didn't just "rock out." Sorry.
23945050770: I'd rather watch a 24 hour marathon of Kirk Douglas slow motion eating canned pears than publicly be seen doing a fist pump.
24041504093: Husky men with beards know deep down inside they can't yell in public like everyone else.
24064539839: Whoa. I almost just starred that guy I have a weird, unspoken "no starring ever" tension with for reasons unknown to me. Close call.
24131545416: I may be getting too old for the Exorcist trick I like to play where I piss myself at cocktail parties. Getting some tough crowds.
24147752447: Original Tweet Days Ago: and @chris_jen 's Plagiarism a Few Hours Ago:
24210326519: If I got lightly slapped with riding gloves for every time I've typed "boobs" in the Youtube search field, I'd be dead right now.
24269501647: I choose to remember Val Kilmer as the smart alec "Chris Knight" from Real Genius, not the bloated, ashamed one I just saw.
24304112438: I'd waste a one-use time machine to play an Xbox near Einstein's lab to say the word "elementary" a lot when I knew he was staring.
24397619307: What do you mean?
24413358164: Every time a Tea-Partier says the word "indeed," an airplane engine falls from the sky.
24504386354: Looking for comedy gold in Glenn Beck's life is like looking for vagina in Kate Gosselin.
24603448754: I'd rather devour someone's tumor with crudely fashioned prairie utensils than do a religious campfire sing-a-long.
24694920182: Old lady perfume smells like powdered terrible.
24809565501: That's the last time I go on a date with a chola. She didn't even know who Nietzsche was.
24857813252: Tiny old Italian men theatrically pleading with their hands for me to stop doing something sure would make me want to keep doing said thing.
24964862342: #50cent typing out "Lol" is about as gangster as a drive by slapping in a lavender Smart Car.
25062005625: As it turns out, real life people with stumps weren't in on yesterday's Speak Like a Pirate Day. I know this now.
25148757388: I'd rather get naked & share a bed with a middle-aged, stoic, angry bulldyke construction worker named "Pat" than..Wait, no. No I wouldn't.
25250387452: Anyone that ever saw me cheering on a fist fight, was positive they were looking at someone they were sure they could beat up.
25340824058: Fact: If you sneak away to fart loudly in private and get caught by some innocent person walking by, you have to now hate that person.
25441767899: If a shiny new person joins your group & steals thunder, don't be afraid to introduce topics people have to quietly reflect on, like Darfur.
25526335706: If everyone walked around with their orgasm face, no one would ever get laid.
25620968863: Never. (The Only Time It's Okay For a Man To Hug Another Man)
25622158508: Caveat Lector:When I said "man" below, I meant straight guys. Obviously gay dudes should be free to consensually jizz on each other & stuff.
25722053746: Has anyone ever figured out what that was in the 50's when women screamed with their hand to their mouth & sort of half fainted when upset?
25818629813: I'd sooner trust the integrity of my underwear after a dump followed by an hour of racquetball than I would a mailman with an eye patch.
25915199272: A man gushing effusively about going on tour guided state park trail hikes is basically saying, "You could kill me with a single punch."
25922060980: "Pam Anderson, you've caused me to spill more seed than Muhammad Ali at a bird feeder."- Greg Girlado - RIP (CC Roasts officially suck now)
25922196457: "Pam Anderson, you've caused me to spill more seed than Muhammad Ali at a bird feeder."- Greg Giraldo - RIP (CC Roasts officially suck now)
25943547525: From the looks of some of these avatars, a few of you look to be about 10 years removed from involuntary farting. Something to think about.
26030225107: Think you're thin? Take your shirt off and sit down somewhere. Now look at your stomach. Fat ass.
26133447556: Just when you thought you had your last projectile vomit, you walk in on Wilford Brimley mangina-dancing to "Goodbye Horses" by Q Lazzarus.
26243886133: The easiest way to get a girl to break up with me is to get her to see my reaction to a bug landing on my face.
26332952028: If you're sitting among coworkers & smell a silent fart that no one confesses to, everyone there has a filthy ass from that moment forward.
26393250720: Hey conspicuously heavyset girl that sauntered into the office wearing spandex and a half shirt, you took a shot, but let us all down.
26487116210: Hey Subway, a visibly sweaty sandwich artist is like a hooker named "Aids Anyone?"
26584571082: I'm not religious, but if there was a hell, it couldn't be worse than being stranded at a 24-7 Jersey Shore dance party with no exit doors.
26597276727: Ice Cream Truck music is a euphemistic alert that furry brown men who smell like hot poo & Target aftershave are peddling stale treats.
26685975792: It's hard to take poignant heartfelt vocals seriously when you know earlier the singer's ass sounded like geese attacking a trumpet soloist.
26820501831: "Love at first sight" has its credibility strained to the breaking point every day by long yawns.
26892744343: Jokes aside, if Palin & O’Donnell put their heads together they could come up with like... At least they'd be working together. #ChristineOD
27065501686: Banjo twangs are festive, ceremonious cues that it's time to share your asshole with men who have trouble with two syllable words.
27208112258: Heads up fellas, women don't think boisterously singing your break up with them operatically is more consoling.
27317471548: If you haven't seen a man flail and whimper like a handmaiden in a gulag, it's because you didn't see me do battle with a wasp today.
27404788737: Huh. Turns out that warm, magical sex place on women is attached to feelings and weird stuff.
27516103228: Letting a pug lick bacon grease off your nipple is normal, right? Asking for a friend...of someone else's...who I don't know.
27608194145: "You naughty little minx. I'm gonna bury my face in your fuckbox." (When Errant Text Messages To Mom Can't Be Fixed With A "Sorry")
27697436399: Just got hit on by a heavyset black woman. Or Warren Sapp.
27782231876: I'd rather watch a 72 hour Adam Richman toilet-cam marathon than 5 minutes of anything directed by Tyler Perry.
27868314939: I've somehow made it through a 30yr education about social taboos & etiquette to probably not being above throwing a tantrum for a handjob.
27964488075: Guys overhearing their friend talk on the phone to their girlfriend is the same as walking in on them mirror posing in a thong.
28058443688: If money were no object, my dream house would have a Nutella and boobs room.
28466594142: Note to self: One week into a relationship is too early to fart the sound of a runaway dirt bike speeding over a ketchup squeeze bottle.
28563772756: Milfy hotel clerk lady looking at me like I'm an idiot. I'll keep winking to let her know I'm hip to her lingo that she has "2 rooms vacant"
28624662288: A man suddenly cooing tenderly during sex with a woman seems like a good a way to rebel against manhood.
28710030390: There are 3 basic man rules:
1.Always honor your word
2.Never cry in public
3.Only masturbate while cutting in Target restrooms after 10pm
28723382924: Slapping fat people on the stomach is like stuffing midgets in car tires, it's a tough job, but somebody has to do it.
28826551622: 5 out of 10 Tom Waits fans would be none the wiser if you replaced him mid-tour with Shoeless Winston, our local hobo.
28860349413: "What the hell was that? What the hell was that? What the hell was that?" (Winning Scriptwriter Submission for Ghost Hunters)
28920976307: Just did my annual 5 days before Halloween "Screaming Bearded Man" costume test run at the local rest home. Yep, I've still got it.
29013488226: Listening to my coworkers talk about Trick-or-Treaters, you'd swear they never built their own porch trap door over a pit of cobras before.
29040726584: I'm no Kenyan but put me in a 10k w/ boobs full of vodka in front of me, & a husky retarded man w/ bed sores behind me & I'll win you a race
29046575761: @Speak_N_Spiel Thanks man. I think everyone thinks about nursing from Liz Taylor's teat while recoiling in horror from large retarded men.
29099878858: If somebody says something is "hecka slammin'," there's a pretty good chance they're from a time when AIDS wasn't funny.
29117247021: #FF They are to tweets what fresh babies are to vampire joggers: @CrowdedBalcony @RonnieWK @Slashleen @DamienFahey @Fleshcake @jasonmustian
29117354417: #FF They are to comedy what recess bells are to black roving vans: @adamisacson @robdelaney @badbanana @thesulk @UncleDynamite
29117529200: The weirdest part about kidnapping and torturing your alien clone for answers is finding out it's just some guy that sort of looks like you.
29207918811: I'm a little shaken up, guys. I either just gave birth to Don Cheadle's arm, or had a dual bowel movement.
29231313652: I never know if I'm listening to Avenged Sevenfold or a bathroom stall rendezvous between Nickelback, Creed, Staind, and K-Y Jelly.
29241081863: "I like to drive around chuckling playfully until I hear a thud. What do you think when I say those words to you?" (Me To Any Telemarketer)
29295538569: Have no fear ladies, your car troubles are in someone's capable hands that I can call.
29307809765: If you live in rural bible belt, that means the bump you just heard isn't Fluffy the Tabby cat, but an incorporeal servant of the damned.
29323500127: Look kid, all I'm saying is don't ask me for a "trick" and then get all butthurt when I make your bag of candy disappear.
29402898918: There's a fine line between being spotted in line at Old Navy and getting shot in the face.
29423308440: If a 70's movie aggregate is an indicator, being an acoustic guitar playing Bigfoot expert named Randy was the best way to get laid in 1975.
29502875603: I loved George Clooney in his role as George Clooney, and before that as George Clooney and also George Clooney.
29604024151: Good luck finding me a bride if video of me hearing Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love" come on the radio while home alone ever went viral.
29697271393: If you have a milk shake, and I have a milk shake, we need to knock it off and go get some grown up drinks.
340968351997952: Sure we take them for granted now, but imagine having internet access to all these double amputee facesitting vids when we were kids!
432318854463488: It's important to get that first date table defecation out of the way early so people know where you stand spiritually.
615593002668032: I just defiantly hid some pubes in my pizza I spied an angry Round Table worker spitting on earlier. Ha, now who's laughing, smart guy?
649842988683264: Good job, Phil Griffin, you really showed those network ratings who's boss. #msnbc #Olbermann
711253827780608: #FF They're funnier than midgets with opinions & feelings: @CrowdedBalcony @donni @RonnieWK @Slashleen @DamienFahey @Fleshcake @jasonmustian
713749249921025: #FF The showy cockblockers at the comedy key party: @UncleDynamite @robdelaney @GaryJBusey @PaulyPeligroso @DoubleBerg426 @loljksob
714959126274048: I just exceeded the annual limit a grown man is allowed to babytalk the exclamation "Aww!" while watching a fat guy try to jump a fence.
1003874907328512: Ask me grade school math questions in front of people if you want to see something like Jerry Lundegaard in a parking lot w/ an ice scraper.
1373178240700416: DJ Qualls looks like he got the new guy on a day he got teleported.
1494944699125760: If you're over 40, frequent parks without a shirt, and play a mean game of Hacky Sack, my car brakes don't work for you.
1784149463531520: This husky, matronly Turkish looking woman that just sat next to me in the DMV smells like she just came from a fart party.
2086864743825408: Guys, gf crying about stuff? Play it smart: Try to not show fear, pretend you got a premonition & yell "Grandma's in trouble!" & sprint away
2462490705268736: Need something fixed? This calls for me standing heroically with hands on my hips, nodding reassuredly and trying not to look confused.
2508650782400512: @JackieRebel I'm good for some stuff, like crying into my hands, or eating all of your Nutella.
2811428884979712: I could probably make it in a wilderness survival situation if there were Hostess snack trees, and stuff that wouldn't hurt me.
3211874422226944: #FF They are to comedy what an act of kindness is to women in muumus: @CrowdedBalcony @RonnieWK @Slashleen @DamienFahey @jasonmustian
3212156317204480: #FF They say funny things so you don't bake your children!: @UncleDynamite @robdelaney @GaryJBusey @badbanana @PaulyPeligroso @Fleshcake
3212396554354688: #FF You follow or I'll be forced to.. ask again @DoubleBerg426 @donni @ContactLangley @justsendTulips @YUCKYBOT @VerifyThis @PraxisUniversal
3215989223198720: Farting loudly and telling people I'm a ventriloquist didn't do much to break the ice at this whiny funeral eulogy.
3263600659533824: ‎"Me like fucky!" is more an admission of lunacy than it is terrible pickup line. But as evidence bears out, the drunk me doesn't know that.
3562928271794176: Job market actually looking decent right now. Unless you're Fluid Retention Ninja.
3620420251033600: Kind, furry middle aged men who play tambourines and extol the virtues of holistic medicine get me in touch with my inner stabby child.
3900807028150272: "Nursery fire," can you "get some goddamn help, fast?" Not while there's this couch, pint of Haagen Dazs, & a House MD marathon, you can't.
3952510817542144: Note to Self: "Quick, let's get this boner in you!" doesn't work on the evening shift Jamba Juice counter girl.
4266952050614272: There are worse things to hear than "I will never give up on you!" But probably not while chained to the floor of someone's basement.
4659899724206080: Smells like someone tried to play Beethoven's Symphony No. 3 on their butt trumpet in this taxi.
5026359487238144: Transforming into a mythological creature when you're supposed to be buying groceries is unacceptable behavior.
5366735486066688: Still have no idea why James Bond is on every Wikipedia page.
5407801010552832: Guys, I just had the most horrific nightmare of my life. Think The Shining meets The Ring, or getting a hug from Dr. Phil.
5868649390800896: There's a time & place for having sex w/ your hand & then taking a nap. Fortunately this volunteer mentor guide won't say when/where that is
6144095944704000: The only way today could be more productive is if I did something.
6458972508790785: Once as a boy a Shaman told me wind was the gods talking. That stuck with me. Mostly b/c I threw a banana at him after he said it, but still
6517665757663232: What to do when you think of a good tweet that exceeds the character limit?The only thing you can do, obviously: You set yourself on fire.
6876012952428546: Me: "Want to have sexual relations?"
Her: "Fuck off, creep."
Me: "Could you say other things that are different than what you just said?"
7241686375735296: FACT: You can get away with a mass murder spree if you tell the court it was either that or French kissing John C. Reilly for 5 minutes.
7607212440551424: "I get what you're saying about Darfur, but I would like to talk about pornography now instead." (Inappropriate Segue)
7888805159763970: "We're about to shoot hospitable natives in the face with rusty muskets. Celebratory face stuffing is in order!" (Inception of Thanksgiving)
7933511990251520: Nothing brings the family together on Thanksgiving quite like tossing warm leftovers to displaced Native Americans in a show of nobility.
8280487743193088: While millions struggle with their first food baby quintuplets today, somewhere Adam Richman is casually rectum-sculpting himself a new car.
8365907512401920: I try my hand at writing blogs while inebriated:
8710069055135744: George Lucas's neck probably wears a t-shirt when it goes swimming.
8989702610751488: "Pull his restraining order and watch him spring into action! Nice Guy™ sweater set and Shady Van™ sold separately." (Rejected Toy Ideas)
9019085564153857: Calling homeless people "losers" 28 times over the course of a month and suddenly I'm the "asshole."
9376968340410368: If you see a lion in the wilderness, don't let on you know it's your friend who must have followed you there in a deluxe lion suit.
9439343034765312: I'm still not above answering the door to Jehovah's Witnesses with, "Eddie! Holy shit, man you really let yourself go!"
9809179694862338: If you visit Mexico and walk around all day saying "Ro-Salvos-Peenchay-Meego!" while throwing your hat around, nobody will notice.
9841234612846593: I need to stop drinking Ovaltine. I just made a fart that sounded like Bing Crosby hailing a cab.
10078376521900033: When women tell men they're "ovulating," they're really saying "I'm okay w/ using creepy words suggestively, what's that do for ya, sailor?"
10138848801595392: I just conjured a unicorn with the tears of an unemployed sitcom actor and a jar of Justin #Bieber farts.
10508416925573121: Just saw Skyline, guys. Wow, did that movie scare the hell out of my dignity!
10526715008778240: Tonight when burrowing into the delicious, warming tranquility of your comforter, remember that somewhere, someone is having a stroke.
10841055201067008: Smells like Bruce Vilanch's ass has been getting interrogated in here by Bad Cop/Bad Cop.
10873160979185664: I've never bet on horses. Mostly because there's so much I don't know about Arabian Stallions, Brooke Hogans, or Thoroughbreds.
11187994169966592: I'd rather strain my dinner pasta through James Gandolfini's underwear than have something that Glenn Beck touched touch me.
11965070288355328: Zach Braff's voice sounds like no one told him to put his inner child back after group therapy.
12395947849940992: If you hear me fart around a noticeably attractive woman, make a wish.
12609926849372161: If I was Bill O'Reilly I'd buy anything I wanted! Also cry into my hands every morning. But everything I wanted! #oreillyfactor
13026357839667201: I want to see Mel Gibson in The Beaver about as much as I want to see Dennis Franz in plus sized lingerie using his chest as a dinner plate.
13059372934504448: @PaulyPeligroso It's like you can read my mind. Or my weird emails.
13344667353485312: While unruly if you capture them in the wild, a dish of warm milk can make the most uncooperative midget a remarkably docile creature.
13687079108087809: You can never unsee things like Jocelyn Wildenstein's face, those sisters from The Shining, or a perfectly healthy family laughing & playing
14084613710290944: Just tried to road rage, but flustered, I somehow yelled "Shem..Fram! Why don't you fuck my ass?!" We both drove away ashamed and confused.
14493620551811072: If you ignore that glaring typo, just know some of us repeat the tweet to ourselves, then get into a car and drive into a tree.
14814879894470656: This year, if I'm admonished to show "holiday cheer," I'm going to throw a pineapple grenade at a Justin Bieber concert. Dressed as Santa.
14876274451288064: That's the last time I try eggnog without booze in it. I just made a fart that sounded like Fran Drescher reacting to winning a prize.
15285097620049920: I'd rather watch a chubby couple's public display of affection than...Oh wait, no. No I wouldn't.
15511592548433922: A good way to get that guy that talks people down off buildings to run up there so he can go first is describing that new Tyler Perry movie.
15580350897987584: "You don't even have a portable electric fire simulation heater. What are you, primitive?" (Me Camping)
15599434943438848: "Like I'd fall for that. Do I look stupid?" (Something I'd Say While Sitting Nude In Tennis Socks Eating a Bowl of Cookie Dough)
15686198496329728: @Feline_Fatale Perhaps insensitive, but comedy isn't the providence of political correctness, and I think she was fighting for a word.
15884046911410177: #FF Most I follow make me laugh, sometimes even at their jokes, but a few recent favorites #1: @robdelaney @donni @PaulyPeligroso @RonnieWK
15887055569559552: #FF Most I follow make me laugh, sometimes even at their jokes, but a few recent favorites #4: @DamienFahey @shanenickerson @JennyJohnsonHi5
15888390352273408: #FF Unsung Comedy Heroes: @amywithlemon @ContactLangley @CrowdedBalcony @AmusingMoniker @plasticdeer @shelbyfero @dr_ridiculous
15890195874324480: If I had a dime for every time I've cried in public, I'd be a member of a pretty weird bank.
16167430313213952: Didn't have any coffee this morning, but then I turned and unexpectedly saw someone in a Burger King mask so I'm good now.
16672792384643072: Somebody in line here at this Best Buy sure is serious about showing personal hygiene who's in charge.
16695732182458368: You guys that aren't following @AmusingMoniker must not like words that make laughter come out of you.
17026399931990016: You know that magical theme music that played in Ali whenever he got in the zone? I get that whenever I start telling self-deprecating jokes
17230583356719104: Just woke to find a Sally Struthers trying to raid my fridge. I shouted & waved my arms & it shit on my floor & ran off into the night.
17338908769521665: Admit it, if you were drunk, and a chubby, intellectually challenged androgynous Dutch child offered to go down, you'd let Glenn Beck do it.
17399097367461889: A super happy old lady just sang 12 Days of Christmas out loud in the mall! It's okay, she was surrounded & pummeled by a vigilant mob.
17758800333246465: "And what about me, mom?? You think I like having sex with a burrito?" (Bill O'Reilly's Parrot)
17784013531906048: Just read a pun tweet that made me consider calling my grandmother and hanging up.
18006911844618240: If you're ever taken hostage by a guy with a box cutter, but you have a gun, be smart: shoot yourself in the face to distract him.
18138086428909568: Next time you have sex w/ someone, stop for a second, & without instinct objectively look at what is happening. What the fuck are you doing?
18443130831380480: If you catch a fat bearded person in your chimney w/ a sack full of treats tonight, you'll finally believe in the existence of Chastity Bono
18704851072450561: Leaving a Japanese facesitting DVD & bowl of Valiums by the fireplace didn't bring dad home for the holidays, but it did make my date leave.
18861382514515968: Note To Self: Presents containing Post-its that read "IOU" were a big hit. The part when they realize you're not joking could use work.
19122184001687552: Just saw an Italian guy from New Jersey in an Ed Hardy hat reading a book! Ha, just kidding. He was raping.
19473673278717952: Right now in an alternate universe a giant monster is spazzing because another giant is playfully trying to throw a Glenn Beck on her.
19841267173167104: I just want to find a woman I can love unconditionally & spend the rest of my life with. Or least until I accidentally smell her poop.
19941442780667904: Just woke up to a radio alarm playing Teenage Dream so obviously had to go punch some babies.
20145226123317248: Every time you say something you immediately regret, George Bush remembers a big word.
20306213262589952: I love how girls get all aggressive during make-up sex and because it's dark it's not your girlfriend but accidentally her roommate.
20359524690956288: Just found out I have a pastor following me. That's like a snack following Kirstie Alley, or Dakota Fanning following Pedobear.
20416841629306880: The horsey noises I just made reading @juskewitch timeline scared me until I realized that's just my laugh when I'm not faking it. Early #FF
20571887541166081: I'm secure enough in my manhood to make weak broken whimpering sounds if a store is out of my favorite green tea & kelp exfoliation cream.
20675903805726720: I just danced so badly that girls I've fantasized about having sex with called to cancel the first date I haven't asked them out on yet.
21015766455296001: Remember guys, we don't know if sitting on people's laps while they eat dinner is their New Year's tradition, so better be safe than sorry!
Sign up for free to join this conversation on GitHub. Already have an account? Sign in to comment
You can’t perform that action at this time.