The first version of this blog was entitled Framework Whipped. I attempted to compare the code that uses a framework to the concubines in a harem. I thought my comments were clever and funny; but many people found them offensive.
I sincerely apologize for that offense, it was not intentional. I broke Don Norman's law:
“If you think something is clever and sophisticated beware-it is probably self-indulgence.”
I will try to avoid mistakes like this in the future. I appreciate the conversation about them, and hope that it can continue constructively.
Let me also say this. My original post had made women the butt of a set of very bad jokes. This had not been my intent. Nor did I realize I had done it. It was pointed out to me later; and I agreed and apologized. I believe that was the right thing to do.
Pointing out that you are being made the butt of a set of bad jokes is an honorable thing to do. There's nothing wrong with standing up and saying "No I don't want to be treated that way."
I have 50,000 followers to my Twitter feed. If I inadvertently make a bad joke, and then don't correct it, others might decide to follow suit. I don't want that.
So to those of you who think I caved under some kind of pressure, you're wrong. I revised the blog because I was wrong.
I have developed what I call the cat tail theory of conflict, which might help here. When you have a cat, and particualrly when you're busy in the kitchen, you might step on their tale by accident. The cat screatches, and jumps away; you feel bad. You try to comfort the cat - and soon enough you're petting and cooing and the cat is rubbing against your legs. All is right with the world.
But this story can go wrong in a lot of different ways, for both parties. For example, the cat might get so angry that it attacks you, perceiving the initial harm as an attack. Or you might blame the cat for getting under-foot in the first place, and so even though it is already in pain, you verbally abuse it, perhaps for giving you scare. Or the cat isn't satisfied with your cooing and pets, and in fact gets more angry at you, for a wide variety of reasons, most of which involve ego and respect. An important error mode is that the person, out of malice, truly intended to step on the tail. More error modes can occur to your thought.
This is a wonderful metaphor for human conflict. People have tails. And people step on each others tails. That is what happened here: Bob thought he was being funny, accidentally stepped on someone's tail, and is now showing concern and support and sincere regret at having caused the harm. That is good - remember, he could have reacted in a lot of other, far worse ways. In fact, in the cat-tail theory, this is basically the correct response.
Cats have to be careful, though, to not themselves fall into an error mode. It is a mistake to not accept the comfort of a sincere apology, and the concern of a someone who clearly didn't mean to cause you harm, and who is showing warm, self-deprecating concern and is doing his best to make things right. If you fail to do that, then at best you harm your own credibility, and at worst, you risk invaliding the reasonableness of your original concern.
TL;DR - he harmed you without meaning to, and now he's sorry. accept the apology, forgive him, and move on with life.