I found this video by Arthur C Brooks “Love in the Days of COVID-19” pretty useful and interesting. https://murdocktrust.org/2020/04/love-in-the-days-of-covid-19-a-discussion-with-arthur-c-brooks/ His presentation is only 30 minutes, starting around the 2 minute mark. I have notes, too.
A Better Response: See it as an occasion to make other people's lives better.
- Q1 – Are you spending a lot of time being disappointed?
- Q2 – Are you frittering away a lot of time trying to get more certainty about what's happening?
- Q2 - Are you lonely?
- Disappointment resembles regret - both involve what might have been a. We process disappointment and regret similarly, b. but they are very different in terms of personal agency
- Regret: I wish I had done something different (and could have acted differently and had agency in a different outcome) a. Experience of regret: I should have known better, I made a mistake, I want another chance
- Disappointment: I wish something different had happened, but had no agency a. Experience of disappointment: I feel powerless, I have missed out, I have no control
- We process disappointment and regret the same way – through counterfactual thinking a. Counterfactual thinking: We have an amazing capacity for Counterfactual Thinking: Imagine alternative to life events that already occurred i. Counterfactual thinking is a critical ability that helps us eliminate errors without making them, or not making them again b. Rumination: chewing the cud, we turn over unpleasant events over and over and over trying to imagine a different outcome (this is counterfactual thinking repeatedly) c. Counterfactual thinking and Regret: In the case of regret counterfactual thinking allows us to "practice for the next time" in cases of regret because we have agency in the situation and could produce a different outcome. d. Counterfactual thinking and Disappointment: In the case of disappointment, it is almost completely unproductive because there is NO AGENCY i. But endless cycling through counterfactual thinking through disappointment, the ongoing rumination can result in an exhausting, unproductive cycle of stress
- The neurobiology of fear a. Fear is processed in the amygdala b. Fear is a response to perceived danger or possible threat c. The amydgala reacts to threats in 74ms, much faster than the prefrontal cortex i. Therefore rational thinking is secondary to stress and fear when under threat ii. Uncertainty evokes involuntary fear response
- Risk: possible bad outcomes are understood, probabilities are known – to fear can be managed through rational assessment of risk/benefit analysis and appropriate insurance against risk. Risk we can live with and “control” rationally.
- Uncertainty: possible bad outcomes are not understood, probabilities are unknowable - more like a haunting spirit, we can't insure against it or rationally “control” it a. Uncertainty may very well hide a mortal threat and stimulates the amydgala i. Sensitivity to uncertainty leads us to seek areas of greater control in our lives, which can be destructive ii. Facing uncertainty, those of us with responsibility may become despotic
- Confusing Uncertainty with Risk leads to endless (fruitless) attempts to rationally assess the facts of the situation to “control” for the best probable outcome and mitigate risk through insurance a. i.e. endless news consumption that endlessly stimulates the amygdala
- Oxytocin and the neurobiology of Joy a. Oxytocin is the chemical released through physical relationship and eye contact b. Biggest burst of oxytocin we ever experience is in seeing our newborn children i. Oxytocin is the central bonding hormone
- Loneliness and isolation is deprivation
a. We need oxytocin (i.e. meaningful, incarnate relationships) for our mental health
b. We have an oxytocin “addiction” (except that it’s good for us)
c. Many vietnam vets were heroine addiction - they all stopped when they got home
i. They replaced heroine with oxytocin
ii. Oxytocin is mimicked by opiates - Heroine feels like pure love
d. We crave oxytocin. We will take opiates in a pinch.
e. We are hurting when in isolation – we need a few oxytocin hacks
- Acknowledge: We are disappointed, but nothing to regret. We need lament, not counterfactual thinking.
- Recognize: We have done nothing wrong and we can't change what’s happened
- Resolve: We must (after lament) choose to accept current circumstances and move forward
- Take these three steps intentionally every day to rewire our mental ability to see disappointment for what it is
- Recognize False solutions o Avoiding: Trying to avoid the fear of uncertainty through escapism and displacement activities, which only turns the fear into a vague and chronic haunting of our souls o Neutralizing: try to neutralize the fear of uncertainty but turning it into manageable risk through the endless pursuit of more facts and greater understanding • All day on the internet fact hunting won't work • Limit news consumption - No more than 30 min of news/facts
- Embrace the Real Solution: Let it go, just let it be… (for Monica) o Give up on certainty through exhaustive understanding the problem o Let go of the illusion of control o State loudly, each day, "O don't know what is going to happen today, tomorrow, or next week, but I am going to live my life today."
• Limit SM to 30 min/day • Instead, use visual technologies for 1-2 hrs/day - Zoom with lonely people today • When co-located with other people: 20 seconds of hugging per person – repeat every 2 hrs! • Make eye contact with quarantine partners, strangers, and even your dog
Notes from Michael Gulker