Quotes

quotes.txt

“I've just got to say one thing: If this is it, if this is really the end—I get to use a rocket launcher.”
—Winston, Human Target (2010) S02E07

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“Behind the velvet lies / There is a truth as hard as steel.”
—“Holy Diver” by Dio

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My father once told me that respect for the truth comes close to being the basis for all morality. “Something cannot emerge from nothing,” he said. This is profound thinking if you understand how unstable “the truth" can be.
—from “Conversations with Muad’Dib” by the princess Irulan
—Frank Herbert’s /Dune/ (epigraph from chapter)

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“I’ve baked haggis more lethal than you.”
—The Scotsman’s Wife (from /Samurai Jack/)

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“Only in the internet age can searching for obscure political speech be more embarrassing than searching for midget gangbangs.”
—SmokeyDBear
http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/cdl27/so_i_was_searching_for_porn_and_i_found_this/c0rtqjs

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“People always try’n to fuck other people’s lives up by telling lies — you wanna really fuck someone’s life up? Tell the truth: their life’ol never be the same.”
—Jason Stackhouse
/True Blood/ S03E01 @~25:00

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Sam: “You’re fucked up, Mister. But you’re cool.”
Shadow: “I believe that’s what they call the human condition[.]”
—Neil Gaiman, /American Gods/, chapter 7

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“Aw... you’re so cute, I could just maul you to death.”
—Jake the Magic Dog, /Adventure Time with Finn & Jake/

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“If there’s one thing bears can do, it’s persevere.”
—Stephen Fry, /Stephen Fry in America/ Episode 2, “The Deep South”

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[12:41pm] maxp: please, however, do not use c99shell or r57 or anything of that sort
[12:41pm] dfisher: I’ll use original bourne
[12:42pm] dfisher: because using it is obviously superior in every way
[12:42pm] dfisher: and making it again was just a waste of time
[12:42pm] dfisher: because it was perfect
[12:42pm] dfisher: for some value of ‘perfect’
[12:42pm] maxp: haha, I was referring to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTi0epK6gtU
[12:43pm] maxp: script kiddie tool
[12:43pm] harvimt: isn’t that a little redundant?
[12:44pm] harvimt: aren’t all script kiddies tools?
[12:44pm] maxp: haha
[12:45pm] dfisher: touché
#psudrupal@irc.cat.pdx.edu

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Since Sally considered herself to be a capitalist, this wasn’t likely to appeal to her. She knew very little about socialism.
Plainly the economic relations between people weren’t perfect, but there was little that agitation and propaganda and cheap journalism—she gathered that this Goldberg was some kind of journalist—could do to make them better.
—Thought Sally Lockhart
/Tiger in the Well/ by Phillip Pullman, Chapter 4 - The Tax Collectors (p. 44)

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“This is okay; this is just a moment that will haunt me forever.”
—Mark, /Peep Show/ S02e04 (at the very end)

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“‘Thug’ means never having to say you're sorry.”
—U-Turn (aka Louis), /Weeds/

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“There were not so many physical threats that could not be countered with a decent hammer.”
—Thought Lisbeth Salander
/The Girl Who Played With Fire/ by Stieg Larson, Chapter 1

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“I hate it when I’m right… wait… no I don’t.”
—Tinkerballa, The Guild S0408

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“We’re not sex offenders: we just had a no-pants candy party for kids.”
—Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal Theater, 12-13 Sep 2010

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“Note to self RE: The Fonz: Mark you are not The Fonz.”
—Mark (David Mitchell’s Character)
Peep Show S03E01

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(context: the bones in snakes that form their double-joined jaws share an evolutionary history with the bones in our inner ear)
Phil: So the choice was being able to hear better or being able to eat things bigger than your head?
Frye: Essentially.
Phil: EVOLUTION!! (shakes his fist at the air)
Frye: It can’t hear you.
—QI S08E01

(Stephen Frye and Phil Jupitus)

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Baracas: Why do you need so many of these things? (firecrackers)
Hanibal: Because overkill is underrated my friend.
—The A-Team (2010)

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“This rampant inconsistency, inconsistency both in look and in feel, is perhaps the defining characteristic of the Windows experience. The prevailing sense that nobody really cares if it’s any good. No one cares that it all feels right, that it does the same thing in the same, predictable way. No one cares if it looks good. Sure. It all more or less works. But shouldn’t we be striving for something better than that? Shouldn’t it work cleanly and efficiently? Shouldn’t it fill us with joy each time we use it?”
—Ars Technica
http://arstechnica.com/microsoft/guides/2010/10/the-21st-century-guide-to-platform-trolling-windows-sucks.ars/4

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“You’re going to have to speak up. I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
—Ernest Hemmingway (not the real Ernest Hemmingway)
Jesus Christ: In the name of the gun
http://www.jesuschriststory.com/?p=358

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No, moslems don’t believe that Jesus was the messiah.

Think of it like a movie. The Torah is the first one, and the New Testament is the sequel. Then the Qu’ran comes out, and it retcons the last one like it never happened. There’s still Jesus, bue he’s not the main character anymore, and the messiah hasn’t shown up yet.

Jews like the first movie but ignored the sequels, Christians think you need to watch the first two, but the third movie doesn’t count. Moslems think the third one was the best, and Mormons like the second one so much they started writing fanfiction that doesn’t fit with ANY of the series canon.
—RandomFerret on SomethingAwful

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Man these royal families never can get along, can they?
—Lina Inverse
/Slayers/ S01E11

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Marvin: Can I just put a bullet in him?
CEO: No. You don’t kill people I kill people. I’m the /bad guy/!
*Joe punches him*
*CEO Snores*
Joe: Not worth a bullet.
—RED (2010) @ ~01:10:00
(Joe is played by Morgan Freeman)

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“I swear man, if we’re ever invaded by an army of inflatable dummies, we are ready.”
—Adam Savage
Mythbusters S08E22

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“Yes we have a soul, but it's made of lots of tiny robots.”
—My materialist slogan
—Daniel Dennet, /Breaking The Spell/

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The same point can be made about science. Since the belief in the integrity of scientific procedures is almost as important as the actual integrity, there is always a tension between a whistle-blower and the authorities, even when they know that they have mistakenly conferred scientific respectability on a fraudulently obtained result. Should they quietly reject the offending work and discreetly dismiss the proprietor, or make a big thing?
—Daniel Dennet, /Breaking The Spell/

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Another eminent Briton is Sherlock Holmes, who is often thought about even though he never existed at all. In /one sense or another/ there are truths and falsehoods about such (mere) intentional objects. It is true that Sherlock Holmes (the intentional object created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle) lived on baker street and smoked, and false that President Truman once owned him and rode him to the White House from Missouri. But of course neither Sherlock Holmes nor Pegasus is or ever was real.
—Daniel Dennet, /Breaking The Spell/

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For example, right now I am typing on my keyboard with the intention of creating a coherent story about the logic of postmodernism. Were someone to study me, they might look beyond that surface level intention I just offered and infer instead that what I really am doing is inventing a story from my personal experiences for the purposes of advancing my academic career. To accomplish this, they might argue, I am constructing a discourse that sets me apart from other people and thus increases my value as a writer. Why do I do this? Because I am a self-interested white heterosexual privileged Protestant male who uses knowledge for power (a strategy not of savvy but of manipulation and exploitation). For postmodernists, that which gets presented as truth (e.g. this book) is an invention, just a take on reality, that masks what I really am doing—tricking everyone in order to acquire and maintain power.
—Daniel Dennet, /Breaking The Spell/

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We don't have to assume there are no moral truths in order to study other cultures fairly and objectively; we just have to set aside, for the time being, the assumption that we already know what they are.
—Daniel Dennet, /Breaking The Spell/

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“I'm not looking for anything, I just want to fucking know the truth for a change.”
—Silas Botwin, Weeds S06E11 @~00:21:30

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Zelgodas: So where are we going now?
Lina: Well let’s just start walking and figure that out later.
—Slayers Next #31

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“[Aliens] might have 19 different versions of ‘left’. Imagine putting that in your sat-nav.”
—Johnny Vegas, QI S08E08

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Hannah: “What's the big deal? I’ve been shot at, you've been shot at.”
Boothe: “Well it's not like you build up an immunity to gunshot wounds.”
—Bones S06E05
(Boothe doesn't want to let Hannah into the line of fire)

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The only thing we could all agree on, was there had to be a fireball.
—Rachel Maddow, The Rachel Maddow Show, 2010-11-10

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There is no honor in what I do, but I do it as honorably as I can.
—Jon Stewart, The Rachel Maddow Show, 2010-11-11

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I come through the Valley of Death and all you can think about is your stomach.
—Patrick Jane, The Mentalist S03E08

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I'm a scientist remember, I don't believe in fairy tales.
—Dr. Grace, Avatar

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It's not just a rorshack test, it's a petri dish.
—Adam Savage, Mythbusters S08E23

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Dayle: What is it?
Alicia: It's a bomb.
Dayle (to Michael): Can you defuse it?
Michael: Maybe… Maybe not.
Sam: Do you guys have any Duct Tape?
—Burn Notice S04E13

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Conan: You can't put "super" in front of any word.
Jon Hamm: I super-certainly can.
—Conan 2010-11-10

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This is America, we don't have adult conversations: we have Twitter.
—Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher, 2010-11-12

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Thief: I have this small somewhat impressive shiv[.]
[...]
Thief: I give you my word though that I would cut you in such a manner that your recovery would be a matter of… weeks.
Shawn: 'com on Gus, given the circumstances, I'd say that was pretty damn considerate.
—Psych S05E10

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Debra Morgan: Do some people deserve to die?
Dexter Morgan: Some people don't deserve to live.
—Dexter S05E08

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Creation and destruction, I suppose we'll have to hope for the former.
—Dr. Walter Bishop, Fringe S03E06

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The kind of journalism [Ted Koppel] eulogizes failed this country; because, when truth was needed all we got were facts, most of which were lies anyway.
—Keith Olbermann, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, 2010-11-15

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Richard Castle: I'm not asking you to dye your hair red and call me "Molder."
[...]
Det. Kate Becket: Please, let's just stick it in and get this over with.
—Castle (2009) S03E09

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Espinoza: Do you think we'll get a medal for this?
Unknown Govt Agent: This never happened.
Richard Castle: I guess that means I can't put it on Twitter.
—Castle (2009) S03E09

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Dr.: The seller, Alberto DeSchmidt, better known as "The Belgian"
Chuck: Well I bet I know how he likes his waffles.
—Chuck S04E08

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Any sufficiently advanced financial device is indistinguishable from fraud.
—xthlc
http://www.metafilter.com/97656/Multiply-this-by-HOW-MANY-mortgages-out-there#3377626
Nov 16, 2010 @ 1:31 PM

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That'd be like posting it on my facebook page, if I had a facebook page, or the desire to share intimate details with people I'd avoid on the street.
—Shawn Spencer, Psych S05E11

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Let's just say I was terrorized by a flock of Canadian geese at my uncle's house in Saskatchewan; they were Canadian I thought they'd be friendly.
—Hodges, CSI S11E09

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Consider taking some anti-psychotics, I could recommend a few good generic brands… I mean just because you're delusional doesn't mean there's any reason for you to overpay.
—Guster, Psych S05E11

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Finn: Say, how do I kill this guy anyway?
Marceline: Finn! you can't kill my dad…
Finn: I didn't mean… I uh… not like that…
Maceline: No, no, you can't kill my dad: he's deathless.
—Adventure Time with Finn & Jake, S02E01a

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Patient: Faith is not a disease.
Dr. House: Of course not. Then again it is communicable and kills a lot of people.
—House S07E08

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Sucking at something is the first step toward being sort of good at something.
—Jake the Magic Dog, Adventure Time with Finn & Jake, S01E13a His Hero

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Man, I think us not being violent is hurting people.
—Finn, Adventure Time with Finn & Jake, S01E13a His Hero

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Finn: That's bizonkers!
Gnome: Yes, but the engineering is sound.
—Adventure Time with Finn & Jake, S02E04a Power Animal

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But didn’t you know that all my characters are gay?
—Johnny Depp (sarcastically, in response to whether Jack Sparrow is gay)
http://www.deadline.com/2010/11/depp-disney-hated-his-gay-jack-sparrow/

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Quit ruining my story with your logic.
—Richard Castle, Castle (2009) S03E10

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Every physicist wants to violate Einstein, but thus far the great man has remained pretty chaste.
—George V. Neville-Neil
http://queue.acm.org/detail.cfm?id=1900007

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Celebrities have always existed. [...] These days, however, fame is more easily attained, anyone with enough money and a lack of self-respect can become famous by being famous: we've gone from Socrates to Snooki.
—Dr. “Ducky” Mallard, NCIS S08E11

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Abby (CGIS): Is this a record?
Abby (NCIS): No, we don't talk about the record, it got ugly.
on the record of most CafPow consumed
—NCIS, S08E11
(CGIS = Cost Guard Investigative Service)

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Regardless of your politcal views on this issue, there are facts, and they're worth looking up.
—Rachel Maddow, The Rachel Maddow Show, 2011-01-13

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Scientist: You need help? This will help. Sharing information helps. It's how science works
HLS Agent: Unfortunately it's not how governments work.
—Pioneer One S01E02

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Are you that kid? If Euclid had been a guest lecturer at your school, would you have been like, "Well you haven't actually proven The Pythagorean Theorem."
—House, S07E09
(and that's one of the reason's why normal people hate mathematicians)

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House: How many does that make?
*The intern holds up 2 fingers*
House: And how many for you?
*she turns tail and leaves*
House (craning his neck): I'm also kicking your ass at gloating!
—House S07E09

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But living an honest life – for that you need the truth. That’s the other thing I learned that day, that the truth, however shocking or uncomfortable, in the end leads to liberation and dignity.
—Ricky Gervais
http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2010/12/19/a-holiday-message-from-ricky-gervais-why-im-an-atheist/

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“Talking nonsense is the sole privilege mankind possesses over the other organisms. It’s by talking nonsense that one gets to the truth! I talk nonsense, therefore I’m human.”
—Fyodor Dostoevsky, /Crime And Punishment/

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Unlike some other people who shall remain nameless: who are me.
—Rachel Maddow, /The Rachell Maddow Show/ 2010-12-21
Rachel Maddow refuses to name herself.

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Copyright, in its current state, holds information at ransom for monetary value. While in music it can stifle culture and art, with literature and education it can be nothing more than a weapon of class warfare.

[...]

The way I look at it is, if hundreds of thousands of people are downloading my album, I’m contributing to culture and my music will likely outlive me. Money is pretty insignificant in the face of immortality.

[...]

Most importantly, we don’t want poor people to continue being less educated than wealthy people because of the illusion created that information has a monetary value. News, history, media, and culture is made by everyone, and it is intolerable to me that we allow the messengers to hold it from us at such a high price, whether monetarily or contextually.
—Benn Jordan aka The Flashbulb (http://theflashbulb.net/2010/)
TorrentFreak Interview December 24, 2010
http://torrentfreak.com/music-is-better-off-on-bittorrent-than-with-apple-or-big-music-101224/

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Middleman: "I'm not an authority figure, I'm more of an independent contractor."
Wendy: "What does that mean? You build strip malls? Kill People?"
Middleman: "I would *never* build strip malls."
—The Middleman, S01E01

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Hell, we've all had trials Eddie, it's the convictions that count.
—Ash Morgan
Hustle, S07E05
(so much double entendre! trials & convictions both could mean 2 different things)

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"I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, 'wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?' So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."
—Marcus Cole
Babylon 5

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"If porn was bad, why would there be so many nuns in it"
—Dr. House
House S07E13

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Revenge kinda sucks… who knew?
—Lia
Being Human (UK) S03E08

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But no software has yet managed to automatically enforce a rule that, in life, things have to make sense.
—http://www.yaboymartell.com/02/2011/auto-corrected-text-leads-to-killing/

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Variety is the whatnot of thingamajig.
—Stephen Fry
http://twitter.com/#!/stephenfry/statuses/38648486333386752

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A deep understanding of reality is exactly the same thing as laziness.
—Wally
Dillbert
http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2011-03-20/

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There is only one God and his name is Death, and there is only one thing we say to Death, and that is “Not today.”
—Swordmaster
Game of Thrones S01E06

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Well I see a lot of bricks, but I don't know what the building looks like.
—Don Draper
Mad Men S02E04

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No one will tell you this, but don't be a man. Don't even try. Be a woman — It's a powerful business when done correctly.
—Jane Barret to Peggy Olsen
Mad Men S02E05

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Sam: It's time to serve justice little buddy.
Max: Can we get ice cream afterwords, serving justice always makes me hungry.
—Sam & Max, Episode 1: Culture Shock

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Jen: What kind of man would want to photograph a bunch of beautiful women without any close on, Roy?
Roy: The kind of man who wants to help people, Jen.
—The IT Crowd S03E06

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Girl: I think I'd like to be a Lesbian… but not one of those fat ones, I'd be like a supermodel, and I'd just hold hands, and I'd probably marry a man.
Hanna: What?!?
—Hanna (2011)

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One should no more rack one's brain about the problem of someone you cannot know anything about exists, than about the ancient questions of how many angels are able to sit on the head of a needle.
—Wolfgane Paull on an aspect of Quantum Physics

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I never trust anyone who’s more excited about success than about doing the thing they want to be successful at.
—xkcd mouseover text http://xkcd.com/874/

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Elizabeth: Honey, look at yourself.
Peter: I'm older than poop.
Elizabeth: And you look damn sexy doing it.
—White Collar S03E05

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You should always be yourself.
Unless you can be batman.
Always be a batman.
—Paraphrase from omegle conversation
http://i.imgur.com/3nqNK.jpg

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There's no such thing as “Not good enough for the internet.”
—Conan O’brien
Conan 2011-08-04

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“Thankfully for us, in Science there are tons of weirdos willing to pick up where others have failed.”
—James Burke
Connections² Ep. 5 Something for Nothing

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“Why don't *you* try making an imaginary world. It'd probably be like Fresno or something.”
—The Creator of “The Game”
The Guild, Season 5 Episode 3

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I'm a good citizen; I'm a good father; I recycle, and I masturbate.
—Louis C.K.
Louie S02E08

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It is difficult to ignore the responsibility that Ayn Rand bears for all of this. I often get emails from people who insist that Rand was a genius—and one who has been unfairly neglected by writers like myself. I also get emails from people who have been “washed in the blood of the Lamb,” or otherwise saved by the “living Christ,” and who insist that they are now praying for my soul. It is hard for me to say which of these sentiments I find less compelling.
—Sam Harris
http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/how-to-lose-readers-without-even-trying/

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I want a political operative to blow up Bill Gates's fence so we can have Gategategate.
—IGotLaserCannons
http://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/jtbu0/case_closed_climategate_was_manufactured/c2f1qbc

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Crowns do queer things to the heads beneath them.
—Tyrion Lannister
A Clash of Kings, Book 2 of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin

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My sister is said to have taken a bear for her lover. I'd believe that before one fifteen feet tall. Though in a world where dead come walking… ah, even so, a man must believe his eyes. I have seen the dead walk. I've not seen any giant bears.
—Lord Commander Mormont of the Nights Watch
A Clash of Kings, Book 2 of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin

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Sorcery is the sauce fools spoon over failure to hide the flavor of their own incompetence.
—Tyrion Lannister
A Clash of Kings, Book 2 of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin

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Deckard: What about—not sex—but love
Rick: Love is another name for sex. Like love of country. Love of music. If it's love toward a woman or an android imitation, it's sex.
—Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, by Phillip K. Dick

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There is no future in a sacred myth. Why not? Because of our curiosity. Because as the song reminds us, *we want to know why*. We may have outgrown the songs's answer. but we will never outgrow the question. Whatever we hold precious, we cannot protect it from our curiosity because being who we are, one of the things we deem precious is the truth. Our love of truth is surely a central element in the meaning we find in our lives. In any case, the idea that we might preserve meaning by kidding ourselves is a more pessimistic, more nihilistic idea than I for one can stomach. If that were the best that could be done I would conclude that nothing mattered at all.
—Daniel Dennet, Darwin's Dangerous Idea

Note: Dennet isn't referring to "the song" metaphorically, he's referring to a religous song he just quoted.

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Louis CK: When someone says "I want to show you my pussy" I don't ask if they live in this area code.
Chris Rock: Well you should.
—Louie S02E13

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You see how benevelent I can be when everyone just does what I say.
—President Bartlett
The West Wing, S01E05

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[12:25] <thath> ok, birth date sorting buggery has been resolved
[12:29] *** project2501 sets the channel topic to "thath FTW".
[12:33] <thath> Fought the War? 
[12:33] <thath> because you are correct about that
[12:34] <project2501> ftw is for the win
[12:35] <project2501> now i have to change the topic again
[12:35] *** project2501 sets the channel topic to "thath FTL".
#psudrupal@irc.cat.pdx.edu
2011-09-20

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“I'm not stupid, I'm just ignorant of things I don't RSS”
—Codex
The Guild S05E10

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“[W]e all know that the only true source of randomness is a monkey on a unicycle with a cheese in one hand and its butt in the other.”
—Learn You a Haskell For Great Good
http://learnyouahaskell.com/input-and-output#randomness

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“The free man excels at all he does.”
—Vortigaunt
Half Life 2

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[19:40] <mta> Visual Basic was invented by Allan Turing; he was having a prophetic experience one night after experimenting with cyanide when the gods spoke
[19:41] <mta> It is the most formally pure language known to man
[19:47] <mta> It's so beautiful, in fact, that mathematicians instantly abandoned 800 years of tradition upon it's heavenly advent
[19:47] <mta> Sorry
[19:48] <kraytul> you're... high on... antifreeze?
[19:48] <mta> lol
[19:48] <kraytul> dude, that's bad for you.
[19:48] <eidolon> this is what peyote will make you think about visual basic
[19:48] <mta> haha
[19:49] <kraytul> eidolon, you sure peyote is strong enough for that effect?
[19:49] <eidolon> good point...
[19:49] <eidolon> hmm
[19:50] <eidolon> maybe one of those fancy shmancy research chemicals everyone is talking about nowadays?
[19:50] <kraytul> ACETONE!
[19:50] <eidolon> there's gotta be one in there that'll get you high enough to think VB is divinely inspired
[19:50] <eidolon> OH!
[19:50] <eidolon> huffing glue, that's it!
[...]
[19:52] <eidolon> Dr. Huffings Adhesive, Aerosol, and Fuel Co.
[19:52] <eidolon> and subsidiary HuffSak Plastic Container Products
[19:52] <kraytul> "It's the glue that runs your car!"
~~
#cschat@irc.cat.pdx.educated
2011-09-11

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"If I could blow people up with my mind, I could solve all my problems in like, one day. Okay maybe not all my problems, but earthquakes were never on my list until today"
--Gordon Freemen
Freeman's Mind Episode 21
http://www.accursedfarms.com/movies/fm/fm21/