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Greetings fellow minions,

I'm rarely afforded the opportunity to send my regards to such lofty
aliases as this one, so I'll make the best of what will likely be my last
opportunity to do so (unless they never fix that issue where one can send
unauthenticated emails, in which case you can all expect plenty of funny
cat pictures from Travis in the near future).

As some of you may know already, my last day here will be the Twenty
Second Day of July in the Year of our Lord Two Thousand Eleven. This
venerable date marks a term of Two Years, Two Months, and Four Days of
employment with this Esteemed Company, the memories of which I shall
always Cherish. In the duration of my time spent here, I've enjoyed the
company of no less than Six Teams, each of which has offered an
enlightening perspective on the workings of this place, both from the
perspective of Customer Service, Management, and Coworkers.

Support? You were where anyone who's anyone started out. You spared us not
the rod, and gave us the backbone to deal with errant customers and the
disgusting bathrooms of DC2. You taught us how to snipe the easy tickets
out of helpdesk, and how to ride the middle of the road,
responses/day-wise, so as to avoid both negative and positive
repercussions and expectations.

System-restore? You taught us the value of double, triple, and quadruple
checking everything one does, and the value of backups. Hard drives are
fickle, fickle beasts, and as I say this, one of my RAID-less,
un-backed-up media drives at home is likely failing. Because of you, I'll
be kicking myself that much harder.

Escalations? You were the invisible hands, working behind the scenes on
fifteen things at once, juggling angry customers, needy supervisors, and
twitter complaints support requests all while the noob we all at least
used to be asked silly questions about MySQL and apache. You blessed us
with Chris's verbosity and Dan's wealth of knowledge, and
we are all better for it.

QA? You taught that to truly fix anything, one must break it first, and
then break it harder. If one wants some creative exercise, work with these
people and go bug hunting. Also, browsing reddit and fukung with your
underworked coworkers is fun, too. (That last part was a joke. Sort of. I
hear QA is plenty busy re-re-benchmarking KVM these days. :'D) As much as
people like to complain about the quality of our products, internal and
otherwise, they'd be that much worse without these guys. You let us
compare code pushed straight to production (read: helpdesk and marketing
pages) to solidly vetted stuff such as the cloud interface and the SAN
interface in billing. Also, http://qkme.me/55q5

Systems engineering? There's nothing I can say about these brilliant
gentlemen that hasn't been re-said a dozen times. Even though they're
gone, the legacy they left will last at least a good month or two before
it gets a reboot.

And finally, Security. I haven't had the pleasure of working much with
these ladies and gentlemen and Severin, mostly because I joined and then
promptly quit, and your motivation kinda drops after your two weeks notice
are in. That said, they seem like some really cool guys, and they are
always happy to assist with anything you might need. Anything.

As for the rest of you, it was a pleasure subjecting you to my
abrasiveness, and I hope that no one took it too personally. I'm insincere
and occasionally offensive, but I assure you, this is purely for your
benefit. The best measure of truth is the sting of a remark; slander
should be easy to shrug off. I wish everyone here the best of luck in your
future endeavors; professional, personal, and otherwise, and really hope
that I still receive my unredeemed PTO even after sending this email.