I'm writing this essay to really gather my thoughts on this, so I can finally put them to rest and stop getting distracted by the discourse surrounding it all. If you don't know what Hacktoberfest is, don't worry; I'll explain it in "Background" below.
I'm someone who has participated in the past 3 Hacktoberfests, completing them all with at least 4 genuine useful pull requests. I've never attended any of the events surrounding Hacktoberfest. I am not an active DigitalOcean customer, nor have I ever really been. I have signed up for Hacktoberfest 2020.
This shit was inevitable.