Matt Hardy Must...

matt-hardy-must.php

<?php
/**
 * From the vessel that was this author...
 *
 * "Why this is simply... WONDERFUL! I have now entered this vessel known as
 * 'GEETHUB' and, yes, my reign is now uponeth your precious CODE! We
 * now begin the FINAL DELETION!"
 *
 * From the vessel that is, once again, this author...
 *
 * @author Davey Jacobson <djacobson@usarugby.org>
 * @see {@link https://twitter.com/DaveyJacobson/status/1027305241090244608}
 *
 * This function was inspired by the one and only, future WWE Hall of Famer, {@link https://twitter.com/MATTHARDYBRAND|Matt Hardy}.
 * I'm making this Gist because (1) I actually wrote and implemented this code
 * in my work's actual live platform and (2) Matt Hardy, HIMSELF, even 'liked'
 * it! Here's the {@link https://twitter.com/DaveyJacobson/status/1027305241090244608|Tweet}.
 *
 * It's used primarily to remove empty values from arrays and/or any value that
 * equals 'obsolete'.
 *
 * @example {
 *
 *      $are_these_obsolete_mules = array(
 *          'brother_nero'   => 'not_a_mule',
 *          'dudleys'        => 'obsolete',
 *          'edge_christian' => 'obsolete',
 *          'king_maxel'     => 'the_great_ruler',
 *          'young_bucks'    => 'the_future_awaits',
 *      );
 *
 *      $not_obsolete_mules = matt_hardy_must( 'DELETE!', $are_these_obsolete_mules );
 *
 *      @return $not_obsolete_mules {
 *          array(
 *              'brother_nero' => 'not_a_mule',
 *              'king_maxel'   => 'the_great_ruler',
 *              'young_bucks'  => 'the_future_awaits',
 *          );
 *      }
 *
 * }
 *
 * @package    The_DELETEr_of_Worlds
 * @subpackage Yesssssssssss
 *
 * @version 1.0.0 - Introduced during the World Wrestling Federation's 'Attitude Era.'
 * @version 2.0.0 - New Version during what many call the era of 'Ruthleeess Aggression.'
 * @version 3.0.0 - BROKEN with Brother Nero!
 * @version 3.5.0 - Back home in WWE although not quite 'awake' shall we say?
 * @version 4.0.0 - Finally WOKEN! Yes... BACK in control of the vessel that was Matt Hardy.
 *
 * @param  string $i_must      What must WOKEN Matt Hardy do in this vessel?
 * @param  array  $condeetions What 'condeetions' requires such action?
 * @return array               We are left with NO OBSOLETE MULES!
 */
function matt_hardy_must( $i_must = '', $condeetions = array() ) {

    // When one has no condeetion one can do nothing.
    if ( empty( $condeetions ) )
    {
        return;
    }
    else
    {
        // A gift from Jericho of Chris, a LEEST for OBSOLETE MULES!
        $possible_obsolete_mules = array();

        // Hear the words of WOKEN!
        $woken = array( "DELETE!", 'delete', 'mower of lawns', 'lake of reincarnation' );

        // THE GREATEST WORD of WOKEN: DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!
        $delete = array( "DELETE!", 'DELETE', 'delete!', 'delete' );

        // WOKEN words translated for VANGUARD!
        function _translate_for_vanguard( $woken_word )
        {
            $vanguard = '';

            $delimeter = '_';

            if ( empty( $woken_word ) )
            {
                $vanguard = null;
            }
            else
            {
                $patterns = array(
                    "/[ ]+/",
                    "/-/",
                    "/([a-z])(')([a-z])/",
                    '/([a-z])([A-Z])/',
                    '/([a-z])([0-9])/',
                    '/([A-Z!])([0-9])/'
                );
                $replacements = array(
                    $delimeter,
                    $delimeter,
                    '$1$3',
                    "$1{$delimeter}$2",
                    "$1{$delimeter}$2",
                    "$1{$delimeter}$2",
                );

                $vanguard = strtolower( preg_replace( $patterns, $replacements, $woken_word ) );
            }

            return $vanguard;
        }

        // Listen VANGUARD!
        $listen_vanguard = array_map( '_translate_for_vanguard', $woken );

        // Vanguard understands Matt Hardy...
        $matt_hardy_for_vanguard = _translate_for_vanguard( $i_must );

        // Do you speak of the lexicon in the year 3000 A.D?
        if ( ! in_array( $matt_hardy_for_vanguard, $listen_vanguard ) )
        {
            try
            {
                throw new Exception( "I do not speak the language of your lexicon!", 3000 );
            }
            catch( Exception $e )
            {
                echo "{$e->getMessage()} My lexicon is of the year {$e->getCode()} A.D.\n\n";
            }

            // For now we must contend with the OBSOLETE MULES that exist!
            return $condeetions;
        }
        else
        {
            // A list of each lexicon where a new condeetion was gained.
            foreach ( $condeetions as $lexicon => $condeetion )
            {
                if (
                    ( empty( $condeetion ) || 'obsolete' === $condeetion ) &&
                    in_array( $matt_hardy_for_vanguard, $delete )
                ) {
                    // DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!
                    unset( $condeetion );
                }
                elseif (
                    in_array( $matt_hardy_for_vanguard, $listen_vanguard ) ||
                    ! in_array( $i_must, $delete )
                ) {
                    // For now we must contend with the OBSOLETE MULES that exist!
                    $possible_obsolete_mules[ $lexicon ] = $condeetion;
                }
                else
                {
                    // For now we must contend with the OBSOLETE MULES that exist!
                    $possible_obsolete_mules[ $lexicon ] = $condeetion;
                }
            }
            // Soon you will be placed into the LAKE OF REINCARNATION!!!
            return $possible_obsolete_mules;
        }
    }
}