As a preface, I am currently on a sabbatical year from Qtum. Basically I figured all this stuff out and decided to take a break from working to focus on my own mental health and to figure myself out. I was not forced out of Qtum and did not leave because of any discomfort there.
A summary of this huge post: I’m a woman and I’m transitioning so that I look and feel how I've always seen myself. I go by the pronouns she/her but they/them is cool too. The name Jordan is completely fine with me, but I’m considering also going by Ashley and have been testing that out. Don’t call me “Earlz” (yes I'm fully aware past me was dumb and made a million different accounts named "earlz"). I’ve had signs of being trans all my life. It’s a realization and not a choice I made. I “cracked” and accepted it several months ago. My sexuality is kinda unknown in the confusion of gender envy right now, but I love my partner Haley and they love me. Haley has been very happy and excited about the changes I’ve been experiencing. Any surgery or medical stuff is none of your business unless I choose to share about it. Yes I’m bald right now. Wigs are cool and being a bald woman is cool (do you have any idea how awesome it is to be able to take off long hair at the end of the day). Hormone replacement is bringing back my natural hairline and thickness slowly, but honestly I’m not too worried about it.
So a few months ago I realized that I’m a woman, and shortly after I began to transition in multiple ways. I took several steps to become more comfortable with myself, and finally a couple weeks ago I even began to socially transition. I started presenting as a woman in public.... And well, it made me realize that there is no decision in my life which I’ve looked at with less doubt than this. It was a very eye opening experience to go outside as myself and how right it felt. It’s far from easy, even most of the time. But I’m happy for the first time in my life in a way that’s hard to describe. I have a self image. I find myself being less anti-social, I’m excited to wake up each morning.
I did not choose to be trans, a woman stuck in a male body. It is just how I've always felt but never really considered it a thing I could do anything about. I used to look at other people who transitioned and think “wow that’s so cool they get to transition, I wish I could do that. It’s a shame I’m not trans”... which I realize is an incredibly silly thought now. If I could change my life, it’d be nice to have been born a girl, but it would be changing my core identity if somehow I became happy being born a boy. So while I did not choose to be this way and to have these feelings, I am making the choice to transition and to finally become true to myself rather than living such a fundamental lie. In general, this transition comes with many costs. My existence is punishable by death in some countries, ones which I was invited to this year even. And I am otherwise not approved of in many many other countries and even in some towns and areas here in the US I will get odd looks, comments, and even harassment. It sucks because of how much I loved to travel… but yet it’s still worth it. It’s so freaking worth it. I look in the mirror and I don’t hate myself. I take pictures and I can recognize the features in my face. I can tell who I look like, when before my face was just… incapable of being processed. I actually engage in self care. I love shopping for clothes. I love picking things for myself. I love to figure out my wardrobe in the morning, and how I’ll do my makeup or my hair etc. I can express myself how I actually want to for the first time in my life.
I’m not making this announcement for anyone’s approval but rather purely as information about me and to attempt to explain my personal experience a bit. I’m going to do what I do regardless. I’m still the same person, though I did repress my emotions a lot in the past. So while I’m a woman and I’m happy with that, I know that I have memories and time where I lived and presented as a man, and there are people that know me as a man. it’s a weird alien thing to think about now; But it’s me all the same, and rather than me “changing” to being a woman, I was always a woman who lied to myself and lived as a man for a while. Hopefully all of my friends, family, and other people who knew me then will continue to know me now that I’m being true to myself. The old me isn’t dead, it’s just that she is now expressing herself as how she has always felt rather than hiding in a husk. That’s me. And I’ve never been more excited to discover more about myself and to be alive.