what-is-wrong-with-me

I used tuwu hate spidews, wight? But den I'm moved i-into mwy own apawtment awnd yeah okay I teww mysewf, "D-Dewe's bound tuwu be a spidew ow two s-sqwattin' in youw new d-digs, so yuw juwst got b-bwace youwsewf awnd find de b-bastawds awnd kiww de b-bastawds befowe anyding bad h-happens" yeah awnd I says dat owt w-woud two. So, okay, I'm scwoungin' awound mwy new apawtment twying tuwu f-find, ow w-weawwy mowe wike twying tuwu h-hunt spidews. I-I check undew de fwidge, in de c-cwoset, in de badwoom c-cabinets, awnd den finawwy, I check de pantwy awnd w-wowee zowee wouwd ya wookee hewe. I-It's a gosh dang iwt spidew aww "cozy" in its d-disgusting web. W-What have yuw been eating owd bean? Weft o-ovew Cheeto dust?

So awwight, I get a papew towew w-weady tuwu nab dis modewfuckew (I'm weawin' dese cut pwoof gwoves by de way (I know it's o-ovew kiww, but I'm not a big gwove guy (iwt was mwy onwy paiw of g-gwoves))) awnd as mwy m-massive tuwu a s-spidew shadow fawws ovew dat fuck, he w-wakes up awnd gives de most cutest, innocent, y-yittwe wittwe y-yawn, awnd bwinks dem gwoss eyes of hiws in de most a-adowabwe way possibwe awnd okay yeah I'm a man, s-some may even say dat I'm a wough awnd t-tumbwe man's man, but c'mon, when someding dat cute gets d-dwown in youw face wike dat, y-you'we gonna h-hesitate. I d-don't cawe who yuw awe. Awnd don't bodew tewwing me a-about youwsewf, because I-I weawwy d-don't cawe who yuw awe.

De spidew u-used dis hesitation tuwu hiws a-advantage tuwu hop owt of h-hiws web wike some sowt of spwing w-woaded... uhh... spidew awnd I miss mwy nab. W-Wight, so now d-dat's iwt. I-I got wooooowwwww towewance fow h-hopping spidews awnd I'm in fuww b-bwown supew angwy sweaty twy hawd mode twying tuwu nab dis fuwcken asshowe, but dat fudge keeps pop hoppin' aww up awnd down de pwace. He gets o-outta de pantwy awnd now he's got de whowe apawtment tuwu wowk wid.

I'm dwowing shit at dis funkhousew twying t-tuwu end hiws w-wife awnd in mwy h-haste, awnd I-I shouwd h-have pwobabwy j-juwst twied tuwu c-cawm down a-awnd keep d-dings tacticaw, but in mwy haste I-I twied tuwu puww off mwy shoe awnd t-twipped awnd f-feww chin f-fiwst onto de cawpet. On a side now, I'm gwad I feww onto cawpet awnd not wike gwanite ow someding e-even dough I know dat nobody has gwanite fwoows dese days, but pewsonawwy, I-I dink g-gwanite fwoows w-wouwd be weawwy awesome. M-Maybe a wittwe cowd in de w-wintew time, but man oh man oh boy oh mwy wouwd dey wook so coow. So dewe I am w-waying on de cawpet d-dazed awnd exhausted. De spidew iws neidew of dose two unfavowabwe c-conditions.

Dis f-fuckin' guy s-stwowws ovew t-tuwu me on dose spiny wittwe wegs of hiws wid dis s-smug ass expwession on hiws face. I-I comes w-wight up tuwu mwy nose awnd puts a weg wight on me. Aww of a sudden I-I feew a weiwd tingwe in mwy baww s-sack awnd den de s-same tingwe aww ovew mwy entiwe whowe body. De tingwe fowces mwy eyes shut awnd when I m-manage tuwu open dem again I'm about de size of de spidew. I-I shwunk I guess, no odew way tuwu figgew iwt. Now I shouwd point owt dat de s-spidew iws w-wike de size of a wabwadoodwe compawed tuwu me, so wike ya know, I'm not dat smaww.

I don't feew mad wight away. Mainwy juwst soakin' iwt aww in. Dis wasn't f-fiwst time I-I hawd been magicawwy a-awtewed in some way. One time I put on a bunch of owd neckwaces I found in a t-twunk of owd caw a-awnd was o-onwy abwe t-tuwu speak in widdwes untiw I-I figuwed owt de wight widdwe tuwu ask awnd den found de w-wight pewson tuwu answew dat wight widdwe c-cowwectwy. Anodew time I was in a void of totaw bwackness fow what seemed w-wike yeaws aftew messing wid aww de cwocks in some guy's house as a pwank. T-Tuwns owt dat guy was a t-time gewbwin, but I-I couwdn't teww by de way h-he was d-dwessed. Ya know, wike a weguwaw guy awnd not a time gewbwin.

So now aww of a s-sudden dis spidew iws tugging at mwy p-pant weg twying t-tuwu get me t-tuwu fowwow him awnd I'm wike ya k-know, suwe, w-wet's juwst gow whewe evew yuw wanna gow. Awnd as I'm wookin' at de wowwd fwom de spidew's pewspective I stawt tuwu weawize dat dey got a hawd ass wife. A h-hawd knock w-wife even, if yuw wike dat wefewence. Wike okay, de vents cweate dis huwwicane w-wevew winds, de c-cawpet iws wike a weiwd t-tough tuwu wawk in gwass, s-static ewectwicity fwom aww s-sowts of shit c-cweates wike witewaw fowce fiewds dat I can move past, de dwink dat I spiwwed wight befowe I feww iws wike a sweet, cowd, dewicious, shoogewy, wefweshing, amazing, unbeatabwe, gweat tasting, bowd, cwisp wake. Awnd we w-wawk up tuwu dis w-wake awnd dewe's some o-odew spidews awnd bugs dewe juwst dwinkin' dat shit up a-awnd I don't know if you've evew seen what happens tuwu a spidew on caffeine, but howy shit d-dose dudes wewe high as a bwimp.

Aww dese spidews, mostwy de same kind of spidew, ya k-know, bwack, awe j-juwst wike wobbwin' awound awnd squiwtin' web w-wandomwy. Iwt maid me w-weawize dat spidews awe juwst w-wike us. Dey wawnt t-tuwu be inebwiated at aww times. Hey, haha, I know I don't wike being s-sobew! Haha, get away f-fwom me weaw w-wowwd! I cawn't handwe yuw! Haha! Awnd wight, mwy new spidew buddy weads me t-tuwu hiws spidew howe awnd I sea dat he's buiwt a n-nice wittwe pwace fow h-himsewf. I g-guess de web in de p-pantwy iws m-mowe wike a job dan I home. I nevew dought about iwt wike dat befowe, but dat m-makes sense. When he's dun webbing, he j-juwst wants tuwu come b-back awnd c-chiww a bit. H-He tosses me dis spidew sized beew a-awnd iwt was gwoss, but not two gwoss tuwu dwink. I dwink iwt owt of powiteness.

Den we bod sit on hiws spidew couch widout de TV on juwst wewaxing. It's w-wike, getting kinda weiwd now. Weww awkwawd weawwy. H-He tuwns tuwu wook at me awnd I wook at him awnd den aww of a sudden w-we'we making owt. Awnd yeah, it's gettin' hot 'n heavy. Awnd u-uhhh wong s-stowy showt, we fuck. Iwt a-ain't bad at aww eidew. I'd fuck a spidew again if I couwd. Heww, I'd fuck dat spidew again! Aww dose wegs aww ovew de p-pwace wike whoa. I'm not in tuwu butt howe s-stuff but man dat spidew knew hiws way awound a butt howe. Ya know, I-I juwst weawized I've b-been cawwing dis s-spidew "him" de whowe time awnd I actwawwy have no idea whedew dis spidew iws a guy ow a giww. I mean, how can yuw teww? W-What's de diffewence? I d-don't know at aww.

I puww mwy pants up awnd step outside of de spidew h-howe. Mwy spidew wovew steps owt wid me awnd den wid teaw fiwwed eyes, de spidew puts its weg on mwy nose again. Den mwy eyes t-teaw up two, but not because I'm cwying, no dat's stupid. I-I wasn't sad ow anyding, not at aww. I was c-cwying because de d-dust was... biggew... dan I'm used tuwu awnd uhh iwt got me. Iwt got me gud. But whatevew, I stawt gwowing back t-tuwu mwy n-nowmaw size wid a feewing of wevewse tingwe wushing dwough mwy body a-awnd howding in mwy baww s-sack (I stiww h-have dat tingwe if I t-touch m'sack juwst wight). I wave goodbye tuwu mwy new fwiend.

Tuwu dis day, I wook at spidews in a whowe new wight. I-I sea dem as pwetty coow dudes actwawwy. Awnd if dey get fucked up, d-dey'ww have sex wid yuw no questions asked. I'm a big fan of spidews dese days, awnd awdough I haven't seen mwy spidew buddy (pwobabwy d-died), I'm open tuwu s-shwinking back down tuwu spidew size awnd h-hanging owt wid dose dudes. 

TW;DW Used tuwu h-hate spidews, but den I went on a m-magicaw adventuwe, awnd changed mwy whowe pewspective.