As I come out as trans to people, most are supportive, but a few people remain skeptical and question my feelings and experiences. I try to field their concerns to the best of my ability, but one particular concern they raise is so common and so far off the mark that I feel compelled to share my thoughts on this. My intention is not to shame them, but rather to use this as an opportunity to share my own experiences.
Their concern typically goes like this: they believe that many people who transition do so because they are too easily suggestible and that they have been over-exposed to trans role models (either friends or people on social media). I can't speak for other trans people, but this has been literally the exact opposite of my personal experience, and I'll explain why.
For most of my life I felt like I was on autopilot. That's not to say that I had no goals, emotions or internal dialog, but I felt highly suggestible and easy to control in this state, like a tool or a wind-up toy waiting for others to animate me to better serve their purpose. I mainly coasted on the path that society had laid forth for me like a good little boy.
Every once in a while I would actually feel alive, with my own internal purpose, but this feeling was pretty rare. Then, by chance, I stumbled across writing, which consistently provoked this very different "inspired" feeling. When I began writing for my blog I began to feel like a real person, with a soul and everything.
After publishing these posts I would read them back to myself and the experience was surreal, like I was seeing my (metaphorical) reflection in the mirror for the first time.
"That's me!"
It is emotional to finally see yourself for the first time in a long time, like discovering a long lost friend. "We have so much catching up to do". So much lost time.
There was something about my writing that was so distinctly recognizable as "me" in a way that few other things were. Something clicked and I could just tell that my writing had my personality scribbled all over it.
Only one other activity ever consistently produced that same feeling: taking steps towards transitioning to become a woman (even just very limited baby steps). For example, the first time I ran a picture of myself through a gender swap app I became so excited and emotional because it was the first time that I could recognize myself.
"That's me!"
Similarly, the first time my feminine voice "hit the spot" during voice training I experienced the same emotional recognition when playing back the recording:
"That's my voice!"
Every act of embracing my feminine side makes me feel so alive, like my soul and personality are finally shining through. I get so excited; with each little step I can finally see myself more clearly; not just my outward appearance, but my own needs, my own wants, my own hopes, my own passions, my own creativity. I can also finally assert myself, communicate my needs, even (gasp) act selfishly, which is a whole new world to me.
This is why I feel confident that my transition is not a response to my external surroundings. I can viscerally feel the difference between the parts of my behavior that are distinctively me and the parts that are simply products of my circumstances.