Wrapper for NodeJS scripts to make them portable on Windows. Allows distributing a single file which can be executed thanks to Microsoft's JScript. Proof of concept, this should probably not be used as-is, hence it's in a gist.

A Script Wrapper.js

;(function (){
  var IsWscript = (function () {
    var isWscript = true;
    try {
      WScript.Echo("Hello World!");
    } catch (e) {
      isWscript = false;
    }
    return isWscript;
  })();
  if (IsWscript) {
    var Arguments = "";
    for (var i = 0; i < WScript.Arguments.length; i++) {
      Arguments += WScript.Arguments.Item(i) + " ";
    }
    var runCommandNoWindow = function (strCmd) {
      var res = null;
      try {
        var o = WScript.CreateObject("WScript.Shell");
        res = o.Run(strCmd, 0, true);
      } catch (e) {
        res = null;
      }
      return res;
    };
    if (runCommandNoWindow("node --version") == null) {
      var is64bit = (function () {
        var sh = WScript.CreateObject("WScript.Shell");
        if (sh.ExpandEnvironmentStrings("%PROCESSOR_ARCHITECTURE%") != "x86" || sh.ExpandEnvironmentStrings("%PROCESSOR_ARCHITEW6432%") == "AMD64") {
          return true;
        } else {
          return false;
        }
      })();
      var a = new ActiveXObject("WinHttp.WinHttpRequest.5.1");
      a.open("GET", is64bit ? "https://nodejs.org/dist/latest/win-x64/node.exe" : "https://nodejs.org/dist/latest/win-x86/node.exe", false);
      a.send();
      var b = new ActiveXObject("ADODB.Stream");
      b.Type = 1;
      b.Open();
      b.Write(a.ResponseBody);
      b.SaveToFile("node.exe");
      b.Close();
    } else {
      var sh = WScript.CreateObject("WScript.Shell");
      sh.Run('cmd /k node "' + WScript.ScriptFullName + '" ' + Arguments, 10, false);
      WScript.Quit();
    }
  }
})();

// Now the modern js code appears.
// This is still a work in progress. 
// Modern Syntax like let and const still can't be used, but transpiling to es3 should work
// Hopefully there is a clever way to have modern syntax, (maybe alternate streams on NTFS?)
// Example NodeJS script below, downloads the latest 64bit version of node for windows
// Written to run in NodeJS
var https = require('https'),
    fs = require('fs');
https.get('https://nodejs.org/dist/latest/win-x64/node.exe', function (r) {
  return r.pipe(fs.createWriteStream('node64.exe'));
});

Part 1 - Download NodeJS.js

// Written to run in MicroSoft CScript/WScript
// Not fun, especially because it's obsolete, and the documentation is scarce. 
// I only found WinHttp after trying to get MSXML.XMLHTTP.6.0 to work for hours.
// The following page was very useful, (even though its for VBScript):
// https://www.codeproject.com/tips/506439/downloading-files-with-vbscript
var a = new ActiveXObject("WinHttp.WinHttpRequest.5.1");
a.open("GET", "https://nodejs.org/dist/latest/win-x64/node.exe", false);
a.send();
var b = new ActiveXObject("ADODB.Stream");
b.Type = 1;
b.Open();
b.Write(a.ResponseBody);
b.SaveToFile("Node.exe");
b.Close();

Part 2 - The Node Program.js

// Written to run in NodeJS
var https = require('https'),
    fs = require('fs');
https.get('https://nodejs.org/dist/latest/win-x64/node.exe', function (r) {
  return r.pipe(fs.createWriteStream('node64.exe'));
});

Finally got the display order right! If only I knew it was alphabetical not in order of file creation. I could have saved so much time.