I wouldn't necessarily call myself a people pleaser, but my professional life has largely taken on a service-orientated role and in my personal life I'm constantly trying to diffuse issues before they ever happen. Empathy has helped me learn to put my feelings aside long enough to be in the moment and see it in a new light, whether with a partner or a client. Some of the circles I've come into contact with have had a lot to say about it as well. I remember when my partner's grandfather and cousin passed away she was living with roommates, who were a bit hippy, and they told her they didn't want her around because her energy was too dark and they were empaths. I remember thinking sometimes we learn by example of what not to do. While I do think it's important not to let empathy be a drain on your own mental health and have sought out resources on how to prevent this in the past, I also believe it's the primary tool with which we help others. Personally, I haven't lost family that close, and so relating with my partner in that situation was entirely about learning how she felt as she worked through that loss, and figuring out how to be there for her. Empathy is what allows us to do emotional algebra; we may not personally have the experience or emotional memory of a thing, but we can understand the variables of human experience enough to relate and support with people with entirely different persepctives.
Software is a product and having a knowledge of those who will be using it is essential to understanding how it will be used, how it will positively or negatively impact the user, and ultimately how successful that product will be. Whether we are working on software that functions in ways we won't find useful personally, or a software that has wider implications than a single user. A writer I don't know put it very nicely, "we are very rarely, if ever, the target audience." I think she was saying that, yes, while we enjoy technology and have potentially a great understanding of it, the typical end-user will be approaching it from a totally different direction and will respond to it in a very different way.
Teams are like dinner. Knowing the flavor of each ingredient and what it takes to make that ingredient work with another is so important. Should I roast this garlic in butter, or turn it into a paste and apply it with a sauce? Is my partner open to critique right now, or do I need to butter this up as a new idea? How can I actively maintain a healthy working relationship in a project that may be stressful?
I play in a band and at some point we agreed our name wasn't good enough. This was a fine issue, we weren't playing shows at the time and were recording what will be our first full-length release, a perfect time to rebrand. It took several months, and finally we picked a name. Everyone felt good about it, we started working on new promotional materials, and two weeks later one member decided he didn't like it and it still needed to change. The months that followed became extremely tense, and it wasn't until we all sat down and had a hard conversation that we got through it, and I remember that conversation dealt largely with interpersonal issues. Particularly between the bandmate who had a problem with the second name and myself. It wasn't anything firey, but we both acknowledged our different working styles and work through some of the specifics there that was causing problems in the larger conversation. I had to listen, recieve the criticism, and find a way that we could talk and understand each other. Ultimately I don't think we'd all still be playing if we weren't able to enter that environmont respectfully and value eachother's emotional place there. I think that's even what finally difused the whole thing, saying "This is only a problem because we all value each other's opinions and want to come up with something that everybody can get behind. At no point are we trying to put another person down by expressing our opinion, but we have to give eachother the same room for that expression."
When do you find it most difficult to be empathetic in professional settings? How can you improve your skills when faced with these scenarios?
I struggle the most when improvements have been made and then someone decides that work should be undone. It's a huge waste of time, and as someone who actively seeks out ways to improve working environments and processes, it annoys me when good work and change is nixed in the name of familiarity. My first instinct has always been to listen to the issues posed with the work and attempt to provide solutions so that, while the work might look a little differently, it still strives to acheive whatever it set out to do, rather than just getting trashed. I've rarely found this to be a solution however. I have a hard time imagining how I could improve my skills when faced with these scenarios, other than to accept the status quo with as good an attitude as I can.