IliaMManolov/Top 10 Oxfess posts

## Top 10 Oxfess posts
Post number 10:
#Oxfess13212

I don't believe in private property anyway, so by using your milk without asking I'm really engaging in an act of radical social activism to pursue the ideals of a communist utopia in our kitchen
id: 117373032144331_232827613932205
Reaction count: 397


Post number 9:
#Oxfess14653

fuck off ranking your posh schools, no one gives a shit apart from you, you haven't heard of my backwater comp and oddly I haven't heard of your parent's eye-waveringly expensive attempt to ensure you didn't mix with chavs like me- but I got to Oxford for free and u didn't x
id: 117373032144331_238923419989291
Reaction count: 401


Post number 8:
#Oxfess3843

Listen up incoming freshers,
Congratulations you've made it into Oxford. Since your arrival is imminent here's some advice for you. Firstly, don't bother bringing a wardrobe of designer clothing to impress your peers. A simple set of pyjamas and an outfit that says "I'm not a rower, ergo I have a personality" will suffice. The Pyjamas aren't for bed by the way, they're for your lectures. Now if you have been lurking here long enough, you may have come across the term 'sharking'. Sharking will more than likely be conducted by your college parents. Unlike conventional sharks who have a mating call which can be heard 25 miles away, these sharks have a tinder radius of 100 miles. You can't escape them, simply let fate happen.

While the bulk varsity-night discounts touted by your resident entz reps may prove too much of a bargain to resist, the cost of pre-drinks alone will bankrupt you long before you step foot into any club. Not only this but you'll likely plunder Tesco's supply of alcohol and also raid the local Kebab for a post-drink snack. Dealing with that retrospective, guilt-ridden rumination while nursing a whinging hangover the next morning is no one’s idea of fun. So, I advise you opt for a tamer, cheaper, form of enjoyment. Like croquet for example...

Anyway, after your initiation here at Oxford you'll likely feel a little under the weather. If you're a paranoid attention seeker, you may even admit to having mumps. But fear not, this is just your immune system having what I like to call a 'slap my ass and call me Susan' moment. Except, it's not a moment. In fact it's an extended period of time that will endure your stay here at Oxford. Learn to accept this new lower standard of health.

Acquaint yourself with the idyllic locales nearby, be it the Christ Church meadows or the Port Meadows; tarry in the hipster headquarters of Cowley or discover the sylvan, drug-ridden delight that is South Park. Mostly inhabited by Exeter students who are seeking their dose of Ketamine. You'll probably spot other students with a similar facade there as well. But make no mistake, these are Brookes students! Not to be underestimated either, quite a few of them are far more intelligent than us. But that's mainly because the majority of us study PPE.

The town is of course the main attraction, and it will be where you spend most of your godforsaken life. If you can afford it that is. Providing you wake up early enough from your red-bull-induced all nighter, you may choose to indulge yourself in some day-time antics. Though don't wake up too early, otherwise you'll still witness the human vomit being mopped up in the streets from the previous night. Turl Street Kitchen is likely to rob you of an arm and a leg in exchange for a coffee, so Costa or Starbucks will suffice. If you're a particularly boring cunt, you can make a generic trip to the Natural History Museum. If you're really unsatisfied with your general existence, you can choose to visit Krispy Kreme and eat your way to an early grave. Fear not however, as the night calls to you sooner than you'd expect.

Now the nightlife is a spectacle of it's own, and here you have a multitude of clubs to select from. Bridge, ATIK, Cellar and Purple Turtle are all you need to fill your hearts desire. You may also stumble across something called 'Plush', but avoid this as if it were your parents upon receiving your inadequate finals results. If you happen to find yourself stumbling back from any of those mentioned above, and you see someone dart across a rooftop, don't panic. No you didn't imagine it. It appears we've acquired our own version of Spider-Man. Rather appropriately just as their fictional counterpart, they take pictures and are generally hated by the masses. Though occasionally they do something useful, so we're waiting this one out before we gather the pitch folks.

A final note,  there is an alternative to Hassan's Kebabs...you can fuck off. But if you do decide to stay, then I hope Oxford treats you well.
Personally I have found my experience so far to be surprisingly beautiful, in a brutal, horribly uncomfortable sort of way.
id: 117373032144331_172618449953122
Reaction count: 421


Post number 7:
#Oxfess4180

Attention Incoming Freshers:

"Oxford University is a collection of buildings, where in exchange for all your money, time, and dignity, you'll be rewarded with a clammy handshake, some paper with a special ribbon, and a life time of crippling social regret. Subjects might range anywhere from bee-keeping, to crack pipe engineering. But it is important to study something with integrity, and by integrity I mean which ever course is disproportionately populated with hot people.

If you remember anything at all from the first week of university, you are doing it wrong. This can be solved with alcohol. A typical student favorite is mixed with three parts Barcardi, one part lighter fluid, and a sprinkle of parsley. We typically refer to this as 'The Neurologist'. Mainly because after consumption, it becomes necessary to visit one. Students practice a number of hangover cures, though I can recommend aspirin. Two tablets should take care of a medium side hangover, and 100 tablets should take care of anything else more severe, including any other problems you may happen to have in your life at the time.

On your first day of lectures, you will meet your professors. It's their job to bend over backwards in order to accommodate you belief that you know more than they do, despite them having dedicated their entire lives to this field. "Yes", they all say. "Please tell me more about your ground-breaking idea for perpetual free energy." "As a Physics professor, the concept is completely new to me and I'm sure a delinquent, and frankly ignorant, smelly 18 year old, is about to disprove the entire history of FUCKING thermodynamics..."

Lectures will consist of many students all sleeping at once in a large room, with one person talking at the front. Seminars will consist of much the same, but only a few students sleeping as it's harder to get away with. If you are startled awake by the professor, and their sentence ends in an "EH?", you have probably just been asked a question. Do not panic. If it's an English literature, or PPE seminar you're in, answer that "Frankly you found the text problematic and simplistic in places", wait for the applause to subside, then readjust your Beret.
If it's a Maths, or Science subject, try launching yourself out of the window. Because you're probably fucked.

You may find yourself sharing a prison block with love crafting nightmare creatures, who use body odor as a primal defence mechanism. Welcome to College accommodation. In the coming years, you'll probably have the opportunity to move off campus. Friends who you generally knew from eating lunch together, or partying in Bridge, will suddenly occupy the room next door. It will seem inconceivable that someone so lovable only weeks before, is in fact such a abominable filth wizard. But no, just like any other objects in the house, plates are of course self cleaning. Please continue to stack them up in the sink like some kind of elaborate circus performance. YOU FUCKING CRETINS. -Ahem
Decency? What's that?! I simply love 'Rage against the machine', at five in the morning, top volume, accompanied by the deafening, and discordant melodies of primal ball slapping shagging.

Oxford sports a number of recreational activities and establishments within your proximity. Many of the local discos, will encourage standing epileptic fits to loud music, as well as the consumption of large quantities of alcohol. If that doesn't sound like your thing, the library is usually open 24 hours a day, and they're happy for you to do acid in the archive room. As long as you don't tell anyone you're doing acid in the archive room.

In your final year, you'll be expected to write a Thesis. The first draft should be completed several months in advance of the deadline, though it can be begun and completed the night before the deadline, with access to strong methamphetamine. If you're doing University properly, you'll probably go into your degree thinking that you're already clued up about 80% of your subject, and you're here to learn the remaining 20%. By your middle year/years, you may realize that you in fact know 20%, and you have a short time left to learn the remaining 80%. And upon graduation, you'll now understand that you understand almost nothing about your field, and there is an ocean of people who are far more talented at it, and committed to it, than you.

So that's nice and reassuring.

Paradoxically though, graduating is perhaps the hardest part of being an undergraduate. The world is quite different outside of University. If you don't do stuff on time, you still get angry emails, but you also might find yourself unemployed and possibly impoverished. Members of the general public will grow unreasonably annoyed if they notice you vomiting on their garden, or shitting on their lawn. Quite by surprise, you'll now notice you're expected to be an "Actual Person." Unfortunately, this is in fact the real education period. Teach yourself, grade yourself, and ultimately the only tuition fee is exactly one life time. Lectures begin when you wake up in the morning, and end when you go to sleep. What you're supposed to be learning, isn't at all obvious...

You'll find everyone else is also a student at 'existence university'. Some of them seem to be perpetually enrolled in a course called "How to be a total cock, like all the time." Others are getting their Masters and PhD's in "Just being a good human", and I humbly suggest you hang out with them.

. Deadlines will not be extended
. Plagiarism will not be tolerated
. The answers will not be found in the back of the book

In any case, the years after your time here at Oxford will be mainly for cultivating those qualities that may have been missing from your days as a Student. Mainly, self respect, personal hygiene, basic social skills, humility, and a tolerable personality. Or if those don't sound appealing, why not make the most of that degree, and catastrophically disappoint your parents by becoming a Tesco's cashier on Magdalen street."

-Credit to Exurbra1
id: 117373032144331_176991996182434
Reaction count: 427


Post number 6:
#Oxfess14390

Every time
id: 117373032144331_237845256763774
Reaction count: 438


Post number 5:
#Oxfess14179

Vindicated.
id: 117373032144331_237181513496815
Reaction count: 508


Post number 4:
#Oxfess14389

english food is so bland. colonise the world in the name of spices and dont even use them smh
id: 117373032144331_237845220097111
Reaction count: 535


Post number 3:
#Oxfess14373

Definitive ranking of first ten numbers:

1: 1
2: 2
3: 3
4: 4
5: 5
6: 6
7: 7
8: 8
9: 9
10: 10
id: 117373032144331_237764256771874
Reaction count: 543


Post number 2:
#Oxfess3058

Dear Students of Christ Church College,
I paid a visit to your college yesterday, and by paid a visit; I mean I climbed on your Roof and jumped around on it for the best part of 2 hours. Then I came through a skylight, walked around inside for a while. Had a cheeky sit down, and played some Boom Beach, curtsy of your wifi. Then I got up, got back on the roof, and ran off into the night. Mission impossible style. How'd I do it? Trade secret, sorry.
Number of porters alerted: 0
Number of students alerted: 0
Number of drain pipes broken: Possibly 1?
P.S. Exeter you're next.
Yours truly,
The Night Climber of Oxford
id: 117373032144331_155670164981284
Reaction count: 989


Post number 1:
#Oxfess13235

To the idiots erging topless in the blizzard on ChCh playing field,  you are not as cool as you think you are.
I'll see you soon,
-Hypothermia
id: 117373032144331_232969810584652
Reaction count: 1086
	Post number 10:
	#Oxfess13212

	I don't believe in private property anyway, so by using your milk without asking I'm really engaging in an act of radical social activism to pursue the ideals of a communist utopia in our kitchen
	id: 117373032144331_232827613932205
	Reaction count: 397



	Post number 9:
	#Oxfess14653

	fuck off ranking your posh schools, no one gives a shit apart from you, you haven't heard of my backwater comp and oddly I haven't heard of your parent's eye-waveringly expensive attempt to ensure you didn't mix with chavs like me- but I got to Oxford for free and u didn't x
	id: 117373032144331_238923419989291
	Reaction count: 401



	Post number 8:
	#Oxfess3843

	Listen up incoming freshers,
	Congratulations you've made it into Oxford. Since your arrival is imminent here's some advice for you. Firstly, don't bother bringing a wardrobe of designer clothing to impress your peers. A simple set of pyjamas and an outfit that says "I'm not a rower, ergo I have a personality" will suffice. The Pyjamas aren't for bed by the way, they're for your lectures. Now if you have been lurking here long enough, you may have come across the term 'sharking'. Sharking will more than likely be conducted by your college parents. Unlike conventional sharks who have a mating call which can be heard 25 miles away, these sharks have a tinder radius of 100 miles. You can't escape them, simply let fate happen.

	While the bulk varsity-night discounts touted by your resident entz reps may prove too much of a bargain to resist, the cost of pre-drinks alone will bankrupt you long before you step foot into any club. Not only this but you'll likely plunder Tesco's supply of alcohol and also raid the local Kebab for a post-drink snack. Dealing with that retrospective, guilt-ridden rumination while nursing a whinging hangover the next morning is no one’s idea of fun. So, I advise you opt for a tamer, cheaper, form of enjoyment. Like croquet for example...

	Anyway, after your initiation here at Oxford you'll likely feel a little under the weather. If you're a paranoid attention seeker, you may even admit to having mumps. But fear not, this is just your immune system having what I like to call a 'slap my ass and call me Susan' moment. Except, it's not a moment. In fact it's an extended period of time that will endure your stay here at Oxford. Learn to accept this new lower standard of health.

	Acquaint yourself with the idyllic locales nearby, be it the Christ Church meadows or the Port Meadows; tarry in the hipster headquarters of Cowley or discover the sylvan, drug-ridden delight that is South Park. Mostly inhabited by Exeter students who are seeking their dose of Ketamine. You'll probably spot other students with a similar facade there as well. But make no mistake, these are Brookes students! Not to be underestimated either, quite a few of them are far more intelligent than us. But that's mainly because the majority of us study PPE.

	The town is of course the main attraction, and it will be where you spend most of your godforsaken life. If you can afford it that is. Providing you wake up early enough from your red-bull-induced all nighter, you may choose to indulge yourself in some day-time antics. Though don't wake up too early, otherwise you'll still witness the human vomit being mopped up in the streets from the previous night. Turl Street Kitchen is likely to rob you of an arm and a leg in exchange for a coffee, so Costa or Starbucks will suffice. If you're a particularly boring cunt, you can make a generic trip to the Natural History Museum. If you're really unsatisfied with your general existence, you can choose to visit Krispy Kreme and eat your way to an early grave. Fear not however, as the night calls to you sooner than you'd expect.

	Now the nightlife is a spectacle of it's own, and here you have a multitude of clubs to select from. Bridge, ATIK, Cellar and Purple Turtle are all you need to fill your hearts desire. You may also stumble across something called 'Plush', but avoid this as if it were your parents upon receiving your inadequate finals results. If you happen to find yourself stumbling back from any of those mentioned above, and you see someone dart across a rooftop, don't panic. No you didn't imagine it. It appears we've acquired our own version of Spider-Man. Rather appropriately just as their fictional counterpart, they take pictures and are generally hated by the masses. Though occasionally they do something useful, so we're waiting this one out before we gather the pitch folks.

	A final note, there is an alternative to Hassan's Kebabs...you can fuck off. But if you do decide to stay, then I hope Oxford treats you well.
	Personally I have found my experience so far to be surprisingly beautiful, in a brutal, horribly uncomfortable sort of way.
	id: 117373032144331_172618449953122
	Reaction count: 421



	Post number 7:
	#Oxfess4180

	Attention Incoming Freshers:

	"Oxford University is a collection of buildings, where in exchange for all your money, time, and dignity, you'll be rewarded with a clammy handshake, some paper with a special ribbon, and a life time of crippling social regret. Subjects might range anywhere from bee-keeping, to crack pipe engineering. But it is important to study something with integrity, and by integrity I mean which ever course is disproportionately populated with hot people.

	If you remember anything at all from the first week of university, you are doing it wrong. This can be solved with alcohol. A typical student favorite is mixed with three parts Barcardi, one part lighter fluid, and a sprinkle of parsley. We typically refer to this as 'The Neurologist'. Mainly because after consumption, it becomes necessary to visit one. Students practice a number of hangover cures, though I can recommend aspirin. Two tablets should take care of a medium side hangover, and 100 tablets should take care of anything else more severe, including any other problems you may happen to have in your life at the time.

	On your first day of lectures, you will meet your professors. It's their job to bend over backwards in order to accommodate you belief that you know more than they do, despite them having dedicated their entire lives to this field. "Yes", they all say. "Please tell me more about your ground-breaking idea for perpetual free energy." "As a Physics professor, the concept is completely new to me and I'm sure a delinquent, and frankly ignorant, smelly 18 year old, is about to disprove the entire history of FUCKING thermodynamics..."

	Lectures will consist of many students all sleeping at once in a large room, with one person talking at the front. Seminars will consist of much the same, but only a few students sleeping as it's harder to get away with. If you are startled awake by the professor, and their sentence ends in an "EH?", you have probably just been asked a question. Do not panic. If it's an English literature, or PPE seminar you're in, answer that "Frankly you found the text problematic and simplistic in places", wait for the applause to subside, then readjust your Beret.
	If it's a Maths, or Science subject, try launching yourself out of the window. Because you're probably fucked.

	You may find yourself sharing a prison block with love crafting nightmare creatures, who use body odor as a primal defence mechanism. Welcome to College accommodation. In the coming years, you'll probably have the opportunity to move off campus. Friends who you generally knew from eating lunch together, or partying in Bridge, will suddenly occupy the room next door. It will seem inconceivable that someone so lovable only weeks before, is in fact such a abominable filth wizard. But no, just like any other objects in the house, plates are of course self cleaning. Please continue to stack them up in the sink like some kind of elaborate circus performance. YOU FUCKING CRETINS. -Ahem
	Decency? What's that?! I simply love 'Rage against the machine', at five in the morning, top volume, accompanied by the deafening, and discordant melodies of primal ball slapping shagging.

	Oxford sports a number of recreational activities and establishments within your proximity. Many of the local discos, will encourage standing epileptic fits to loud music, as well as the consumption of large quantities of alcohol. If that doesn't sound like your thing, the library is usually open 24 hours a day, and they're happy for you to do acid in the archive room. As long as you don't tell anyone you're doing acid in the archive room.

	In your final year, you'll be expected to write a Thesis. The first draft should be completed several months in advance of the deadline, though it can be begun and completed the night before the deadline, with access to strong methamphetamine. If you're doing University properly, you'll probably go into your degree thinking that you're already clued up about 80% of your subject, and you're here to learn the remaining 20%. By your middle year/years, you may realize that you in fact know 20%, and you have a short time left to learn the remaining 80%. And upon graduation, you'll now understand that you understand almost nothing about your field, and there is an ocean of people who are far more talented at it, and committed to it, than you.

	So that's nice and reassuring.

	Paradoxically though, graduating is perhaps the hardest part of being an undergraduate. The world is quite different outside of University. If you don't do stuff on time, you still get angry emails, but you also might find yourself unemployed and possibly impoverished. Members of the general public will grow unreasonably annoyed if they notice you vomiting on their garden, or shitting on their lawn. Quite by surprise, you'll now notice you're expected to be an "Actual Person." Unfortunately, this is in fact the real education period. Teach yourself, grade yourself, and ultimately the only tuition fee is exactly one life time. Lectures begin when you wake up in the morning, and end when you go to sleep. What you're supposed to be learning, isn't at all obvious...

	You'll find everyone else is also a student at 'existence university'. Some of them seem to be perpetually enrolled in a course called "How to be a total cock, like all the time." Others are getting their Masters and PhD's in "Just being a good human", and I humbly suggest you hang out with them.

	. Deadlines will not be extended
	. Plagiarism will not be tolerated
	. The answers will not be found in the back of the book

	In any case, the years after your time here at Oxford will be mainly for cultivating those qualities that may have been missing from your days as a Student. Mainly, self respect, personal hygiene, basic social skills, humility, and a tolerable personality. Or if those don't sound appealing, why not make the most of that degree, and catastrophically disappoint your parents by becoming a Tesco's cashier on Magdalen street."

	-Credit to Exurbra1
	id: 117373032144331_176991996182434
	Reaction count: 427



	Post number 6:
	#Oxfess14390

	Every time
	id: 117373032144331_237845256763774
	Reaction count: 438



	Post number 5:
	#Oxfess14179

	Vindicated.
	id: 117373032144331_237181513496815
	Reaction count: 508



	Post number 4:
	#Oxfess14389

	english food is so bland. colonise the world in the name of spices and dont even use them smh
	id: 117373032144331_237845220097111
	Reaction count: 535



	Post number 3:
	#Oxfess14373

	Definitive ranking of first ten numbers:

	1: 1
	2: 2
	3: 3
	4: 4
	5: 5
	6: 6
	7: 7
	8: 8
	9: 9
	10: 10
	id: 117373032144331_237764256771874
	Reaction count: 543



	Post number 2:
	#Oxfess3058

	Dear Students of Christ Church College,
	I paid a visit to your college yesterday, and by paid a visit; I mean I climbed on your Roof and jumped around on it for the best part of 2 hours. Then I came through a skylight, walked around inside for a while. Had a cheeky sit down, and played some Boom Beach, curtsy of your wifi. Then I got up, got back on the roof, and ran off into the night. Mission impossible style. How'd I do it? Trade secret, sorry.
	Number of porters alerted: 0
	Number of students alerted: 0
	Number of drain pipes broken: Possibly 1?
	P.S. Exeter you're next.
	Yours truly,
	The Night Climber of Oxford
	id: 117373032144331_155670164981284
	Reaction count: 989



	Post number 1:
	#Oxfess13235

	To the idiots erging topless in the blizzard on ChCh playing field, you are not as cool as you think you are.
	I'll see you soon,
	-Hypothermia
	id: 117373032144331_232969810584652
	Reaction count: 1086