https://www.pprune.org/atc-issues/59309-atc-humour-merged.html
ABC123: Maastricht, G'evenink. ABC123 FL330 to GMH (Germinghausen).
Maastricht: (With an obvious "Hmmmm...." tone) I show you routing (via) NOMKA??
ABC123: Yessir, last 'sektor' gave us GMH.
Maastricht: OK, would you accept direct NOMKA?
ABC123: Yes we would.
Maastricht: You sound very agreeable. Would you accept direct Oslo?
ABC123: ....ahh.... yes....? (half baffled crewman)
Maastricht: I thought so. You are cleared direct NOMKA. (Laughter in the background at Maastricht CTR)
(Quick location lesson: GMH and NOMKA were appropriate(-ish) for that flight. Oslo was, ahh, just a teensy bit north of track, shall we say!!)
CDE234: Maastricht, CDE234 FL370, non RVSM.
Maastricht: CDE234 identified, and good thing you are not RVSM as we aren't either! (more chuckles in the background)
ATC: G-ERTI, what are your flight conditions?
G-ERTI: Ah, we're IMC.
ATC: Oh good.
(hint, this was before TCAS)
Heard a number of years ago in YVR terminal airspace
ATC: AirChina 321, cleared for the the TREEL2 arrival. (The usual arrival from the west)
CCA321: Roger, cleared for TREEL2 arrival, (then inexplicably reads the entire contents of the STAR over the air.)
This takes more than 3 minutes. When he finishes there is stunned silence on the frequency, then...
ACA987: I'll take the same with cheese please!
Rather dotty student lost on dual navigation exercise with instructor. Instructor knew position but was waiting to see how said student dealt with the problem. They were north of Cranfield in the UK. They were ex Luton which is well south of Cranfield. Student called Luton Approach, they quickly identified her position and suggested she call Cranfield on xxx.xx. Conversation that followed:
Student: Hello Cranfield.
ATC: Hello.
Long pause
ATC: Go on give us a clue.
A PPL at Luton in the circuit having forgotten to call 'downwind'. He remembered when late downwind and said to the tower:
G-APPL: G-PL was downwind L/H 26, please note the use of the past tense.
Busy GAAP Aerodrome on a Sunday morning, circuit is filled with student pilots.
TWR: G-PL, no need to respond, cleared touch and go.
G-APPL: Cleared touch and go, no need to respond, G-PL.
A selection of R/T phrases you have loved.
Section One : THEM
"Was that for us, London?" OR "Say Again, London" OR Deafening Silence followed by either of the previous.
This is an ever-popular entry, which shows no sign of ever falling into disuse. Usually heard at peak traffic periods, or whenever repetition of a message would be least convenient.
"That was a bit close, London"
This well-worn favourite is usually delivered by the Captain, in a clear, well-controlled monotone, betraying no hint of vexaction. However, careful listeners will be able to detect background details, such as the First Officer screaming "Fxxking Hell" and passengers complaining about the noise made by the passing aircraft.
"Bit bumpy at (insert your choice of flight level here) London, any chance of (ditto)."
Another tried and tested chestnut, usually employed by crews on fuel-bonus payments. It isn't bumpy at all, and they all know they've got more chance of seeing tits on a billiard ball than their requested level, but still they try.
"Bit of a build-up ahead, London. Direct destination would take us nicely around it".
This one is almost beneath contempt. The meteorological phenomenon which dictates that thunderheads always occur on the "standard" route and never on "direct" routeings is a constant source of amazement to ordinary mortals.
"Can we keep the speed up, London?"
Usually heard from the last in a stream of eight aircraft which you have just cleared to Eastwood to hold. The temptation to make a witty rejoinder such as "Don't be such a fxxkwit" should be resisted.
"Any delays likely, London?"
See above
"Good Morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is Captain Twatt welcoming you aboard Dangerous Airways flight number sixty nine (followed by fourteen minutes discourse on the weather at destination, the meal in first-class and the sexual preferences of the cabin crew)".
Every controller's dream, this one. The incorrect selection of cabin address on an airways frequency is one of the few things that make this job worthwhile, simply because you do not have to say anything at all to point out the error of the offending captain's ways. The other aircraft on frequency will gleefully sieze on their mistake and leave them in no doubt as to their opinions. And if you are fortunate enough to have one of the less-inhibited American airlines with you, you may hear the immortal phrase "Captain Twatt, you are a cxxt."
"Err, London, can you just confirm our routeing after Brookhams Park?"
This one always occurs just after you have given the aircraft (always American, usually military) an enormous five-minute spiel, and they have managed to read back a complete anagram of airways, fixes and co-ordinates, bearing no resemblance to reality. The approved response is that, due to exhaustion on your part, confirmation of said routeing will be available next frequency.
"This heading would put us nicely onto the localiser for two-six left, London".
A thinly-disguised threat to carry out an unauthorized straight-in approach. Easily discouraged by imparting the information that Gatwick have just changed to zero-eight right.
"Hello London, any chance of three-three-zero direct Deauville?"
(Britannia Airways catchphrase). No, fxxk off.
Section two : US
"Air Algerie Two Zero Five Four, where the fxxk are you going?"
Self-explanatory.
"Aeroflot One Six Five None, do you have a mouth full of gravel?"
An honest attempt to discover why the captain sounds as if his mouth is full of gravel.
"Varig Seven Five Nine, are you aware of the Ockham hold?"
A little bit ambiguous - it could be taken to mean "Are you aware that there IS an Ockhmam hold?" or "Do you know what the pattern is?" or even "I am pleased to inform you that, due to your inability to understand my instructions, you have just had seven airmisses. Congratulations." Under normal circumstances, however, all three of the above will apply.
"Speedbird Seven Six One, can you give me a good rate of climb through flight level one five zero?"
I have made a horrible balls-up of the whole thing and unless you go ballistic for the next ninety seconds, you will crash into a lot of other aeroplanes.
"Speedbird Seven Six One, increase rate of climb"
You lied to me, you bastard.
"Speedbird Seven Six One, confirm your type IS a seven five seven"
The only way out of this unholy ****-up is to blame it on incorrect flight plan information.
A classic one to an American military pilot told me by a colleague:
ATC: CARO42, resume your own navigation direct to Mildenhall, your QDM is 310.
CARO42: aahh, we don't carry that equipment, sir
Heard at EGHH some years ago, a Lear with gear trouble elects to land gear up, now on short finals:-
Mr Cool: I’m shutting down the electrics now so no more RT, not that I’m worried about a fire, I just don’t want you guys to have to listen to the screams…
Pilot asking for a level for the 3rd time...
G-ERTI: G-TI, requesting FL370
ATC: G-TI, do you have a TCAS?
G-ERTI: Yep
ATC: You tell me if you can have that level then...
G-ERTI: ...maintaining FL330
DH82 visiting busy international airport for photo op with QANTAS 747 (many years ago).
ATC: (DH82), number 2 behind 727 5 miles your 12 o'clock. Maintain separation.
Late evening ABZ, shortly before airfield closed for the day:
DAN123: Fxxxing DanAir 123 fully established runway 18.
Tower: Say again callsign.
DAN123: Fxxxing Dan Air 123.
Tower: Phone ATC please after arrival.
DAN123: OK. Please listen to your ATIS before I call.
Loud and clear in background of ATIS recording:
"When's that fxxxing Dan Air 123 going to arrive so we can all go home?"
Remember reading this somewhere from ATC to Concorde heading into JFK.
ATC: Speedbird 12, ah, can you descend 20,000 feet in the next 18 miles?
BAW12: (in very cultured English voice) Dare say I could old boy but I couldn't bring the aircraft with me.
Have to admit to this myself, chancing pilot cleared to FL190 and wanting to keep a continuous climb...
CS-XYZ: CS-XYZ, approaching FL190.
I observe on radar a/c passing FL153 and without even thinking press the TX switch and say:
ATC: CS-XYZ you lieing bxxxard. (Was in a particularly bad mood that day.)
My Co-ordinator says "You transmitted that."
I am just replying no I didn't when...
CS-XYZ: My apologies, you're quite right, now passing FL160.
Phew!!!! Nothing more said.
During emergency training: one aircraft cruising at FL330, crossing traffic at FL310, and (Murphy!) the upper one had a engine failure. So the pilot reported:
DLH123: DLH123, engine failure, leaving FL330 for 220.
Trainee ATCO: Negative!!! maintain FL330!!!
Or another one, a B747, wanting to climb to FL350 from FL310.
Trainee ATCO: SIN123, ready for higher?
SIN123: SIN123, affirm.
Trainee ATCO: Roger, then... (realising they had opposite traffic at FL330) maintain FL310!
Many years ago in a previous life (RAF approach room):
ATCO: ...terminating service as you descend below my height...
Several heads swivel to look at the speaker, who was all of 4' 10".
SPUD123: SPUD123 is on the 180 radial, no the 185, er... the 175, at eerrmm...20, no it's 22 miles on the ... (CLUNK) ...OUCH.
(Instructor got fed up and smacked him round the back of the head.)
Stansted Radar's first day in TC, and the go-around alarm is warbling away.
Heathrow God: What's that noise at the Stansted end?
Another Heathrow God: It's the alarm to tell them their plane's arrived.
Once upon a large military exercise off the north of Scotland, a US carrier F-14 Tomcat pulls out of low level calling ScotMil Allocator:
F-14: Scottish this is $%66ee&&&gle]]!! Zero Two, requesting radar climb.
ScotMil: Testicle 02, squawk 6501 ident.
F-14: JESUS H CHRIST, Scotland, the callsign is FOXTROT, ALPHA, SIERRA, TANGO, ECHO, ALPHA, GOLF, LIMA, ECHO, F-A-S-T-E-A-G-L-E 02
The first was at RAAF Edinburgh in Ozzyland a decade or more ago at night with a P3 Orion conducting night circuit training.
On downwind the pilot advised the controller: "For information we will be conducting a lights off approach"
Whilst lining up on finals, the controller promptly turned off all the approach and landing lights...
A surprised (and probably subsequently ticked off P3 pilot) overshot and the rest was probably more entertaining at the bar afterwards!!
If it wasn't obvious... he actually meant his own landing lights!
The other was more recently here in the middle east when the many round the world ballooning adventures were being conducted in the last year or two.
When one of the balloons crossed into the airspace (quite successfully following the airway I might add!), a controller drew the attention of another controller to the event and particularly the balloons spritely groundspeed of 160 knots or more....
...to which the controller asked (quite seriously I might add!) "I wonder if he has got a head wind or a tail wind?"
Another favorite was when center was handing out re-routes to all Chicago-bound traffic due to storms over the entire midwestern portion of the US.
ATC United 462, Memphis Center, I've got a re-route for you too sir, advise when ready to copy.
UAL462: Yes ma'am, United 462, any chance of direct XXXX?
ATC: United 462, are you ah, RNAV equipped? (sounding hopeful)
UAL462: No ma'am, but we are radar vector equiped!
Heard on 126.65 just prior to an incident occuring…
BAW123: Speedbird 123, can we route direct DCS?
ATC: Speedbird 123, can you ask me an easier one... preferably one on sport?
Looked good in the transcript!
This has reminded me of something I heard once over France. An (unknown) American airline asked ATC if they could route direct to Rambouillet...
USA123: ...may we route direct RAM-BULLIT?
France ATC: Would that be ROM-BWEE-AY monsieur?
USA123: No sir, it says RAM-BULLIT on my flight plan.
ATC: G-APPL, radar advisory service, the Barnsley is 1024
Several minutes later...
G-APPL: Er, Finningley, we've tried Barnsley on 1024 and there is no reply, could you give us another frequency??
Aircraft inbound to LHR, where holding has just been announced:
G-ERTI: If we slow down now, will we lose our place?
LATCC: You certainly won't, because you're last!
Civvie LATCC controller, having been asked some time before to accept a pair of Buccaneers: "Where are my Buccaneers?"
LATCC Mil controller: "Under your Buccan headset!"
BAW123: I say London, a Caledonian 1-11's just shot under my nose.
London: Thanks very much, I was looking for him.
ATC: Clipper 123, what's the turbulence like at your level?
PAA123: Well... how shall I put it? The Captain's just stuck his fork up his nose.
ATC: TWA 789, what's the turbulence like at your level?
TWA789: I don't know, we haven't eaten yet.
BA: Shannon, what's the weather like this morning?
Shannon: Ah, it's a lovely day. If the earth was flat you could see right round it.
Aer Lingus inbound to Frankfurt, where they land on parallel runways served by a single ILS. You don't know which runway you're going to land on until the last minute - not that our heroes know this...
EIN123: Frankfurt approach, Shamrock 123 descending to FL50. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?
FFM: Shamrock 123 turn left heading 100, descend FL40.
EIN123: Turn left heading 100, descend FL40. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?
FFM: Shamrock 123 continue descent 3,000ft, QNH1024. Maintain heading 100, reduce speed 180kts.
EIN123: Roger, continue descent 3,000ft, QNH1024. Maintain heading 100, reduce speed 180kts. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?
FFM: "Shamrock 123 turn right heading 150, maintain speed 180kts, continue descent 2,500ft.
EIN123: Roger, turn right heading 150, maintain speed 180kts, continue descent 2,500ft.
EIN123: Frankfurt, Shamrock 123. Can you tell me the runway in use, please?
FFM (really fed up): I CANNOT TELL YOU THAT.
EIN123: Roger... is there anything else important you're not going to tell me?
Now, at Schiphol a while ago:
A BAW is taxying out to 01L via the Outer (those were the days) and the South.
UKA123 is cleared to follow the Speedbird.
Speedbird misses the turn onto the South, and goes straight ahead onto the freight apron.
ATC deals with it:
TOWER: UKA123, you know I said follow the Speedbird?
UKA123: Affirm.
TOWER: Well don't.
On Sydney Gound not too long ago (most QANTAS aircraft are named after OZ cities or towns):
Ground: EAL give way to 767 City of Bundaberg outbound.
VH-EAL: Roger.
Ground: OGM, you're number one to the City of Geelong, taxy to holding point...
VH-OGM: Roger, you've got good eyes!
Ground: Yeah, and I can see the gestures you're making at the tower.
VH-OGM: It's not me, it's the bloke sitting next to me!
Ground: The one with the bad haircut?
VH-OGM: Yeah.
Before my time but part of LGW legend:
Posh Pilot: CFE8086 approaching taxiway 2 (but with at least 200m to run)
Tower: Well keep on bloody approaching then!
And the same guy having slightly miscalculated a departure gap...
Tower: Take off quickly. Fly slowly!
Just recalled this gem from the aforementioned cockney wide boy whilst serving at the Gut.
Two French mirages in the circuit, first lands and the second is too tight behind, told to go round.
Next approach, told to go round again to which he replies "Ev I 'ave to go 'round again I 'ave to jump out!"
Quick as a flash our hero replies "Roger, understand you're fuel priority..."
B727: (peeved) Confirm you want us to follow a Twin Otter?
Approach: (in warm, comforting tones) Oh, no, you're following a Shorts 360, he's following the Twin Otter!
FK27 outbound from EGBB has an unusually good rate of climb, sufficiently good in fact that the following conversation took place.
ATC: G-ERTI check your aircraft type is a Fokker Friendship?
G-ERTI: Affirm London... GTI.
In the days that the Red Devils used to parachute over Queens Parade and work TMA south for entry into controlled airspace, a Qantas jumbo on a SAM departure on a sunny day reported:
QFA123: Hey, London, there's an aircraft on our left hand side and there's people falling out of it.
Aware of the presence of the BN2 used by the team (G-ORED):
ATC: Is it a red Islander?
QFA123: Blimey, that's a good radar!
ATC: Rescue 123, you're identified, the Yarmoth regional is... immaterial, however the Humber regional is 1003.
It took a while for them to do the readback, can't imagine why.
Tower: N123, cleared touch and go, two five right.
Me: (prim and proper voice) Cleared touch and go, two five right, N123 (undetected stuck mic, me with growling tone to my instructor...) YEAH! If I can see the DAMN RUNWAY!!!!
Instructor instantly pounces on switch on yoke in front of a startled me, whilst guffawing with laughter!
Approx 4:00 AM one morning when I was flying up in Cape York.
VH-IXC: Brisbane, India X-ray Charlie departure.
ATC: India X-ray Charlie go ahead.
VH-IXC: Brisbane, India X-ray Charlie departed Weipa 35, tracking 127, climbing 7000, estimating Coen, ...ahhhhhhh stand by.
VH-IXC: India X-ray Charlie request.
ATC: Go ahead.
VH-IXC: Ah... roger, I seem to have left my flight plan in the fax machine at home... Don't suppose you could give me my flight details.
After a minutes pause...
ATC: (laughing) India X-ray Charlie we can do that for you. You have departed Weipa.
Another pause
VH-IXC: Ah... roger, I kinda know that much.
ATC: (still laughing) You are off to Cairns.
Another pause
VH-IXC: You guys are going to drag this out for a while just to embarrass me aren't you.
This went on for a while, eventually the rest of the details were also given.
Again two J41 aircraft inbound to the field, the first aircraft established inbound on the ILS, second aircraft reports visual with the field requesting a visual approach.
ATC: Are you visual with the company Jetstream in your 1 o'clock range 6miles?
J41: Negative, are you sure you mean in my 1 o'clock?
ATC: Try looking to the right of your 12 o'clock.
J41: ...visual.
Overheard on approach to San Jose, California (KSJC):
TOWER: American 332, cleared for takeoff.
AAL332: We already did that.
TOWER: Uh, American 332, contact Bay Departure.
Me instructing an Air Training Corps Cadet for his PPL. We're doing a cross-country flight. He's a good, keen student; I'm barely conscious, as this is the third student of the day on the same route, and it's a glorious summer's day.
XXX Approach being staffed by a guy I think is now at Brussels FMU, then also a part time instructor at same flight school, one of the funniest wits I have ever known, and he knows I'm on board.
Student passes over a turning point, get's himself onto his new track, works out his ETA for the next point, and then does a position report:
Student: XXX Approach, G-WK was overhead YYY at time 51, 2000 feet, VMC, estimate XXX at 68.
ATC: G-WK, XXX Approach, roger, turn right heading 370°.
Pause of about 30 seconds, controller transmits, "Did he turn?"
Reply: "Yup..." and then sound of "...Ouch" from student as I twang an earpiece from one of his ears!
Typical winter night many moons ago, westerly gale. DC3 comes on frequency flying fresh fruit & veggies across the Irish Sea, groundspeed about 40kts:
Very bored pilot: Belfast Atlantique 353 requesting descent
ATC: Atlantique 353 descend to FL60
Very bored pilot: Roger descending to FL60. (leaving finger on transmit button) Okay tomatoes we're going down.
EI-APC (a Bristol Frightener) going backwards on estimates...
ATC: Preston, E-PC what's your speed?
EI-APC: 50kts (quickly followed by a very thick brogue) Dat's a lie, we're doin' a hundred and ten!
KLM 747 right downwind given sequence:
Tower: KLM123 you are no.2 to Shorts 360 at outer marker.
KLM123: Roger commencing short 360 now
Ooops
ATC sees a conflict of about 6 miles minimum separation (5 is the standard here) between a German carrier and a Russian one. The German aircraft was on the climb and the other mantaining FL350. The ATCO, as there was nothing else to do, decides just to monitor. Suddenly, when the a/c were goingo to be the closest (6nm) the Russian a/c turns (luckily in an avoiding heading):
ATC: XXX confirm you just did a right turn!!??
Russian aircraft: Affirm... there is traffic
ATC: XXX roger... for your info traffic is blablabla and we remind you sir that you are allowed to turn but you have to inform us because blablalbla... and by the way, did you get a TCAS warning?
Russian aircraft: Affirm
ATC: Was it a TA or RA?
Russian aircraft: It was... eh... hum... it was the yellow thing.
Just no words about that. But it's true. Actually even a bit concerning, cause the same carrier in another situation did a turn when locked on heading because they thought it was only 3nm out.
A300 ST Beluga checking in :
Beluga: Hello Bordeaux, this is Super Transporter F-AD, with you FL330.
ATC: Super Transporter AD, bonjour, you're so lucky: this is Super Controller speaking!
SWR101 was on normal days a B747 inbound to Zurich from JFK.
ACC called the APP controller and told them that SWR101 was coming in with only 3 engines today.
The Approach Controller immediately notified the fire brigade, everything was prepared for a one engine out landing with a 747.
The pilots didn't get it as the APP ATCo told them that the fire brigade was ready...
...and the fire brigade was pretty upset, when they saw an MD-11 on final approach.
Not long after a couple pilots were caught drinking and flying... controller working a busy enroute sector was queried about the rides ahead by a crew of the aforementioned airline.
WIN987: Toronto, Windsor 987, how are the rides at 280?
Toronto: (to UAL 737 40 miles ahead) UAL123 how is your ride?
UAL123: White caps on the coffee, Toronto.
Toronto (deadpan): Windsor 987, the ride is good for mixing drinks.
I am watching trainee... who is passing traffic between two heavies:
Trainee: ...two thousand below.
Pilot: Hey Toronto confirm traffic is 2000 below.
Trainee: Oh no sorry, he is 2000 above.
Pilot: OK thanks Toronto, I thought I was upside down there for a moment.
Here are some rather weird ones I've heard in Jakarta...
- CGK ATC trying to show the Europeans that we can direct traffic accordingly.
DLH779: Jakarta Arrivals, Lufthansa 779, passing FL345 for FL120 direct Delta Kilo India
ATC: Lufthansa 779, Guten Tag, if you want, I can give you a 200 heading, descend at 5000 feet per minute down to 3000 on by the downwind 07L at max speed to be ahead of traffic. Do you want that sir?
DLH779: Errr... errr.... ("Ja! let's do it" is heard in the background), OK we'll take that sir, heading 200 down to 3000 max speed and... 5000 feet per minute?
ATC: Affirmative 779, report altitude now
DLH779 (16:46 local time): Lufthansa 779 passing 330
I timed it...
ATC (16:51): Lufthansa 779 contact approach on 1xx.xx, maintain speed until 3000 feet, we have heavy traffic behind
DLH779: 1xx.xx Lufthansa 779
DLH779 (16:52): Jakarta Approach, Lufthansa 779 at 3000 feet and slowing down.
ATC: Lufthansa 779, thank you for the fast descent, slow down to 220kts for traffic.
- Why KLM causes confusion overshoots at CGK once in a while...
KLM837: Jakarta approach, KLM837 passing 120 for 6000 on heading 230.
ATC: KLM837, descend to 3000, cancel speed restriction.
KLM837: Errr, KLM837 would like a self imposed 250knots below ten please. Do we have traffic behind?
ATC: KLM837, negative on speed, please maintain at least 280 knots, we have 5 behind you and tight.
- How to handle poor English speaking pilots.
CSN123: Jakarta Delivery, China Southern 123 request clearance to Guangzhou.
ATC: China Southern 123, cleared via route xxxx until yyyy and then to route zzzz flight level 370, what's your POB, registration and type please?
CSN123: China Southern 123 is Boeing 757, 1-8-6 on board, Bravo-####
ATC: China Southern 123 confirm route readback is correct please.
CSN123: China Southern 123 is cleared to (and some unintelligible words)
ATC: China Southern 123, please readback again.
Same thing happens... after 3 attempts:
ATC: All stations this is Jakarta Clearance Delivery, anyone speak Mandarin?
Cathay710 offered help and problem was solved.
- What we do to arrogant pilots.
GIA123: Ground, Indonesia 123, we've got generator failure on taxiway Alpha. Request tug please.
Ground: Indonesia 123, tug is on the way.
Ground: Thai 414, please use Bravo for 25R report passing the Indonesia 737.
THA414: Thai 414, err, we're in between Alpha and Bravo, and stuck sir.
Ground: All stations, this is Ground, all stations on northern side please STOP. Traffic jam.
Ground: Singapore 161, Ground, please standby
SIA161: Singapore 161 cannot accept ANY delay sir, we must depart immediately, can we use 25L, we don't mind the taxy.
So SQ161 was cleared to taxy all the way around the airport to the other side. However, he had to hold short of a few incoming traffic to the southern terminal. SQ161 was not pleased.
Ground: Singapore 161, hold short of taxiway Kilo (or something) for incoming Merpati 737.
SIA161: Singapore 161, holding short, can we fast taxy to 25R please sir, we're running late now.
Ground: 161 standby.
Ground: Thai 414, Indonesia 123 is now clear of you, proceed to 25R via Alpha.
The race was on between TG414 for 25R and SQ161 for 25L... An A333 racing down Alpha, and a 744 racing down Delta... each is out of sight of the other.
SIA161: Singapore 161 approaching holding 25L, request immediate departure.
Tower: NEGATIVE 161, hold short of 25L.
Tower: Thai 414, thank you for your patience, behind approaching Garuda 737, cancel SID, track direct PLB when airborne, line up 25R, standby for clearance.
Tower: Singapore 161, please hold short 25L, we have two landing for 25L.
SIA161: Singapore 161 is ready for rolling take off SIR! (his voice, already annoying the controllers, became more annoying)
Tower: 161 hold short... Mandala 073 cleared to land 25L
Tower: Mandala 493, cleared to land 25L
Tower: Thai 414, cleared for take off 25R
Tower: Singapore 161, after Mandala 493 on short finals, line up 25L
SIA161 (after the Mandala493): SINGAPORE 161 IS READY FOR TAKE OFF 25L.
Tower: Singapore 161, maintain position to maintain separation with Thai 414.
&&^&^$#^@ from SQ161.
- Last but not least... don't annoy controllers, they can REALLY waste your money.
USAF171: Halim Tower, Air Force 171 on outer marker, missed approach ILS runway 24.
Tower: Air Force 171, can you go back to outer marker please, we have four coming in on 06.
USAF171: Negative for 171, we're already down on the ILS 24.
Tower: PK-TSN, Tower, cleared to land runway 06. Break break. ALL STATIONS be advised Air Force 171 is on ILS24 for missed approach, upon go around, turn hard right to 180 at 1500 feet and await further instructions.
PK-TSN: PK-TSN go around as instructed, aircraft on the runway.
Tower: PK-TSN heading 180 and climb to 1500.
USAF171: Air Force 171 missing approach, and What the...! WHY IS HE SO CLOSE?!
Tower Air Force 171 turn to 010, climb to 5000, contact Approach.
USAF171: 171, we're going to do another approach sir!
Tower: Air Force 171, TURN TO 010, CLIMB TO 5000, CONTACT APPROACH.
USAF171: Approach, Air Force 171, climbing to 5000 runway turning to 010.
Approach: Air Force 171, to keep you from chaos, track to and hold on outer marker runway 24 and climb to 6000 until traffic is cleared.
USAF171: Errr, how many are coming?
Approach: Air Force 171, there is still 6 coming in for 06, expect hold for 45 minutes.
- An ATCO that may need his brain replaced.
A few days ago, GA210 I think, was going Jakarta-Jogjakarta. Planned route is PW NDB(Purwakarta) - BDO VOR (Bandung) - CLP VOR (Cilacap) and then to Jogjakarta. Here it goes...
GIA210: Jakarta, Indonesia 210, on climb passing 140 for flight level 240 tracking direct to Papa Whiskey, requesting direct Charlie Lima Papa
ATC: Indonesia 210, climb to flight level 280 and track direct Charlie Lima Papa
GIA210: Direct Cilacap and Flight Level 280 thank you, Indonesia 210
ATC: It's Charlie Lima Papa, 210. You say Cilacap again and you'll track original planned route and I will report you. Now repeat clearance please.
GIA210: Errr, sorry sir. Flight Level 280 and direct Charlie... Lima... Papa... Indonesia 210.
Hello. Wanna share with ya all something that happened yesterday at Maastricht freq 132.615:
ATC: UAL123 contact Maastricht on 132.085
Pilot 1: Roger, Maastricht 132.085 UAL123
At this time, the other pilot starts as well the readback and you could hear "in stereo" the same correct reply...
ATC: UAL123 you are both correct
No reply
A couple of transmissions later...
UAL123: Maastricht, can you confirm the freq was 134.865? We got no reply there...
I know for this guys it can be pretty hard when they have been flying for 13 hours... but they had just departed!! I remember you have coffee on board, use it!!
Uzbhek123 calling from procedural airspace for radar ident prior to handover and descent.
UZB123: UZB123, inbound.
ATC: UZB123, squawk ident on 1234.
UZB123: UZB123 squawking ident 1234, IL18, FL310, 67NM to xxxx, and we have admirals onboard, request descend now.
ATC: UZB123, identified, and say again last.
UZB123: UZB123 request descent, we have admirals, admirals on board.
Panic now ensues as all the possibilities start racing thru the head- these guys are supposed to have diplomatic clearance, are they defecting, are they being chased, or are they just VIP status?? etc etc.
UZB123 (a few minutes later): UZB123 we have admirals, you know, livestock, on board.
G-APPL overhead John Lennon International Airport
G-APPL: G-PL, Manchester Approach, can I take some photies of J L Intl please?
ATC: G-PL, have you got a camera?
G-APPL: Yes.
ATC: Well carry on then.
A few years ago, a colleague of mine was teaching Gazelle to Army Student pilots at Middle Wallop. On one of the night navigation sorties, the route would take them out along the South coast and away from the more well known ATC lands. Here the students would be introduced to the services that could be offered by London Information. Earlier in the sortie the student had discovered that his PTT switch had a tendency to stick in and it was fast approaching the annoying stage. His opening call went as follows:
ARMY123: London Information, good evening, Army Air 123, (then, discovering his switch had stuck again) aw you Cxxt!
London Information (totally unflustered): Army Air 123, good evening to you... you bxstard!
ATC: PGT123 (inbound EHAM) descend FL260 to cross xxxx FL280 or below.
(Freq blocked by two stations)
ATC: That was blocked... PGT123 can you confirm descending FL260 to cross xxxx FL280 or below?
PGT123: (the pilot sounded pretty busy) That's... er... that's conffirmative!
Situation: Military base near Wittering, small white exec jet taxying for take off. Air Officer Commanding at the controls.
Tower: ASCOT 1234, from the supervisor, you're taxying too fast.
ASCOT1234: From the AOC, I'll taxy as fast as I bloody well like.
F-16 fighter crossing my (Bardufoss/ENDU) CTR (class D) and I give traffic information about a P-28...
Tower: Leo 23, traffic one Piper Archer overhead Solbergfjord, three thousand ft
F16: Leo 23 - WILCO!
Wondered a bit about his intentions...
G-ERTI: G-ERTI for pushback please.
London Control: I'd love to give you that but this is the London TMA and you're on the ground...
BAW123 (rather snooty captain): Good morning tower, Speedbird 123 requesting the information.
Tower: Good morning Speedbird 123, surface wind light and variable, runway in use is 23, temperature +15, dew point +5, QNH 1016.
BAW123: Can you be a bit more specific about the wind, tower?
Tower: Certainly, 270 to 090, 1 knot gusting 2.
A few years ago I was trundling along from Swansea to Popham.
Cardiff: G-APPL pass your message.
G-APPL: Cardiff Tower, G-APPL Piper Cub enroute Swansea to Popham at 2,000 ft on QNH 999, currently north abeam you, transiting to the east of your zone.
Cardiff: G-APPL, F-27 traffic leaving Cardiff ahead of you climbing to FL 20 or whatever level. Can you route behind?
G-APPL: I'm in a Cub, Cardiff...
At JNB this week a NTW B722 to DBN on GMC freq was told that his flight plan was filed incorrectly as a B732 and asked to check with his ops if they had refiled.
B722: Ground, we can go down on 2 engines then if that will speed things up.
ATC transmission to a fighter jet displaying at an airshow:
ATC: Fastjet XXX, be advised, there's smoke coming from the back of your aircra... ah, disregard, I see you've already ejected.
A story from the old Brisbane airport in the early 80's. Aircraft taxying to terminal after landing 04 used to pass quite close to the tower. One old time pilot whose voice we all knew used to flip us the finger as he said gday on his way past (I think it might have actually been two fingers in those days). Of course we all knew the routine and gave a mass showing of fingers thrusting skyward.
It was only later we found that he would have just made a PA announcement... "If those passengers on the left hand side of the aircraft look out the window now, they'll see the friendly boys in the tower hard at work..."
A semi-legend (CC) at Coolangatta to B727 filling the window while aircraft on runway stuffs around:
Tower: TBJ you're gonna have to waffle around on final
VH-TBJ: That's unacceptable, Tower
Tower: Roger, standby for go round instructions.
VH-TBJ: OK, we'll waffle...
And another one etched into the pages of history from when Coolangatta was procedural: No names, no pack drill, but his daughter is an Olympic gold medal swimmer...
TWR: (absolutely stuck for a procedural separation standard in a busy sequence) THI, can you imagine a line between Southport and Canungra?
VH-THI: Affirmative, Tower.
TWR: Roger, remain north of that line!
And one copied from Jandakot's home page:
Tower: CDE, is this a touch and go or a full stop?
VH-CDE: A full stop, Tower.
Tower: Roger, go round!
Radar controller in a sticky situation: two aircraft, parallel vectored but on the wrong sides. No chance of a vertical solution or a "make a 360" solution due to traffic behind.
ATC: Aircraft 1, do you see the aircraft on your right?
Aircraft 1: Affirm
ATC: Aircraft 2, do you see the aircraft on your left?
Aircraft 2: Affirm
ATC: You guys able to maintain VFR for the next 1 min?
Aircraft 1: Affirm
Aircraft 2: Affirm
ATC: OK, now swap!
The amazing thing was that they actually did!
Another amusing SR-71 story - this time from "Blackbird Rising" by Donn A. Byrnes and Kenneth D. Hurley. Late in 1965 or early in 1966, the third SR built ('952 for those who are interested) was undertaking some high-altitude, high-speed testing over New Mexico. During a turn, the inner engine inlet "unstarted" increasing the bank angle beyond the point at which recovery was possible. The SR then split into two parts just ahead of the wing. Although ejector seats were fitted, both occupants were unconscious and unable to eject: one survived when he was thrown clear of the aircraft, sadly the rear-seat occupant died.
Many thousands of feet below the stricken SR-71, a number of commercial aircraft were flying. The radio comments apparently went something like this:
WIN123: Albuquerque Centre! Albuquerque Centre! This is Windsor 123. There has been a huge explosion out here at an altitude way above us.
There was a long pause and then a tense but controlled voice from Albuquerque Centre came on the air:
ATC: Ah, Windsor 123, please disregard.
WIN123: Albuquerque Centre, you don't understand. It's a big explosion and there are parachutes and debris falling.
Another long pause before Centre replied:
ATC: Ah, Roger Windsor 123, please disregard.
WIN123: Albuquerque, there is something bad happening and you better get someone out here immediately.
Yet another long pause, then:
ATC: Ah, WIN123, this is Albuquerque Centre, please disregard.
After a long pause, another aircraft reported:
N999D: Albuquerque Centre, this is N999D. We didn't see it too.
I'd give 11 out of 10 to the ATC'er who remembered their security briefing on SR-71 flights!
Here is the official version - I know as I was that controller. The Blackbird was competing in a race from overhead New York to overhead London and I was briefed to 'clock' it in as it passed overhead London. (I was a military ATCO covering the London overhead at the time - 1972.) The Blackbird was out of primary radar cover so I was tracking it on SSR. As it passed over London heading East I gave it a left turn for Mildenhall and then watched aghast as it commenced its very very wide turn and disappeared towards Holland descending through a very high Mode C readout. Being a smart ATCO I instructed the pilot to "strangle his parrot" and report when steady heading 270. When he did I asked him to report his altitude and then told him to continue. After a bit of dead reckoning I instructed him to squawk my code and picked him up over the North Sea about 30 miles east of Gt Yarmouth at about FL 330 descending!! God knows how far he had penetrated German airspace but with no SSR and probably above their primary cover maybe I had got away with it. There is one other ATCO who knows the story but you won't tell will you Pete ?
This actually happened to me 2 nights ago whilst squeezing the proverbial quart into a pint pot that is the 0600-0700 hour at EGLL. The scene - me trying to get them as close as possible using 27L & 27R and I thought I'd better tell a BA 747 on 27L that he was closing "slightly" on an SAA 747 on 27R.
ATC: BAW123, you may see traffic in your 1 o'clock, range 2.5 miles, a Springbok 747 established on 27R
BAW123: Oh yes, we have it in sight - we thought it was OUR strobes!
Experienced some months ago while approaching to land a helicopter at a busy English airfield...
Tower: PA28 G-APPL cleared to land 04 Hard.
G-APPL: Cleared to land 04 Hard G-APPL.
Tower: Helicopter G-HELI cleared to land 04 Grass and watch for inbound PA28 on finals.
G-HELI: Clear land 04 Grass - looking.
Tower: He's behind you.
SOME WAG ON FREQUENCY: Oh no he's not...
ANOTHER WAG ON FREQUENCY: Oh yes he is...
I was laughing so hard I couldn't hover.
Inbound jet from the south west into Heathrow (South holds being Ockham and Biggin)
BAW123: Director, BAW123 on course OCKHAM, a 747 with Alpha, descending FL... etc
ATC: BAW123, hold BIGGIN, delay 10 - 15 minutes
BAW123 (mirth in voice): How about we make that Ockham?
ATC (sounding just a little flustered): Sure, but it's 10 - 15 minutes there as well!
2 jets leaving the LAM hold on the same heading, BE200 at FL 70, A340 at FL 80 about 4 miles behind but going much faster. As the Airbus caught up to the King Air and the returns on the radar merged, a meek little voice was heard.....
BE200: It's gone awful dark...
Several years ago at an airfield very near LAM.
An American voice comes over the radio:
USA123: Good morning Xxxx Information, this is USA123.
FISO: Good morning USA123, pass your message.
USA123: USA123 is a B747 routing Boston to Frankfurt at FL350, request zone transit.
FISO: Roger, nothing known at that altitude to conflict. Our advisory QNH is 1025. Keep a very good lookout as the circuit is active.
USA123: QNH 1025, keeping a very good lookout, USA123.
Citation: OLV traffic, Citation G-ERTI, 8 mile final 36.
Cessna (me): OLV traffic, Cessna 72813 turning left base 36.
Citation: 72813, I see you and issue you a go around.
My instructor: Citation you are not ATC and not God so get in the pattern and chill.
Citation: Fine.
King Air: OLV traffic, King Air following Citation onto downwind and slowing due to his apparent lack of balls.
Cessna: OLV traffic, Citation lacks balls.
Random people: That's hilarious.
Citation (this time a women- I guess the FO): Don't be so harsh, he's gunna cry
Heard at a busy Florida airfield...
Tower: N12345, report your position.
N12345: Ah, we're right over the US1.
Tower: Sir, the US1 runs from Key West to Maine. Could you be a little more specific please?
And in Arizona...
ATC: N12345, VFR traffic on your 12 o'clcok, range two miles.
N12345: No, the traffic is actually a flock of Canada Geese.
ATC: Well, the geese are squawking 7000.
On a LATCC north bank sector many moons ago.
One of the first Tucanos was trundling around on airways when pilot advised immediate diversion required due engine trouble.
Trainee not quite conversant with aircraft type requested:
ATC: Persons on board and which engine is giving trouble?
Arguably one of the greatest responses came back:
Tucano: Me and It.
Back in the early 1960s, Gloster Gladiator G-AMRK was going from A to B when the engine quit (I think it was somewhere near Bedford). He put out a Mayday and asked to be pointed at the nearest airfield.
ATC: What type of aircraft are you?
Pilot: Gloster Gladiator.
ATC: This is really not the time to be funny.
Pilot: If you were stuck up here in the last flyable Gloster Gladiator in the world without an engine I doubt you would find it at all funny!
They got him down.
We used to have no end of laughs listening to the exchanges between pilot and tower at Cambridge when I worked there....
A University Air Squadron Bulldog holding for the grass runway...
C01: Tower, Charlie 01, we have a large flock of plovers by the threshold.
Tower: Charlie 01, say again?
C01: We have a large flock of plovers by the threshold.
Tower: A large flock of what?
C01: sigh Birds.
A Beechcraft from a farm strip in Norfolk, returning home..
ATC: G-APPL, what is your destination?
G-ERTI: Stradsett, sir.
ATC: Say again your destination?
G-ERTI: Stradsett, sir.
ATC: Say again?
G-ERTI: Norfolk!
One weekend an antique Aero 45 was visiting (old Czechoslovakian twin - wooden construction, I believe, and having difficulty landing in the crosswind)
Tower: G-AERO, you're clear to land, surface wind xyz, etc... (leaves the tranmit button down as the poor old girl bounces hard, weathercocks and bounds off the concrete, hopping from one gear leg to the other across the grass) ...Ohmygoddidyouseethat?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
An exchange overheard between departure control at a Canadian airport and a B727 pilot.
B727: Where's Annule?
ATC: What is it... an intersection or something?
B727: I don't know.
ATC: Where did you see it?
B727: On the screens in the terminal. Lots of airlines go there but the flight's always cancelled.
ATC (laughter): Welcome to Canada, Monsieur. "Annule" is French for "cancelled."
B727: Ah. Oui, oui.
Heard at AMS Schipol a few months ago. Winds were light/var and had just changed from taking off on runway 24 to land on 06.
Midland call up and requested 24 for takeoff.
ATC (in sarcastic Dutch voice): Yes 24 but you might have a problem with aeroplanes landing in the opposite direction.
Busy traffic conditions... one 757 just down and rolling out. A further 757 on short finals and a RJ lined up and ready immediate.
Tower controller clearly needing to get the first 757 vacated as soon as able passes message...
Tower: Windsor 123, if you can exit at XY that will help me out a lot.
B757: Er, hang on... er yes a handbrake turn and... er... yep we got it.
NATO E3, routing Waddo, NAVPI, Ramstein.
NATO42: London Mil, NATO42 climbing out of Waddington, routing direct to NAV Papa One (said in proud voice)
ATC: NATO42 London Mil, identified, say again where you're routing to?
NATO42 (now a little worried): Uhhhhh, NAV Papa One Sir!
Didn't have the heart to burst his bubble.
ATC: Roger, route direct to NAV Papa One, request your estimate?
Sea King 122: Liverpool this is Sea King 122
ATC: Sea King 122 pass your message.
Sea King 122: Liverpool this is Sea King 122, we are a Sea King... but you had probably guessed that alreday."
I was visiting the tower at ESxx (a quiet little airport in Sweden) one evening in April 2001. Darkness was creeping in on us, when the evening ScandinavianCommuter Dash8 called in.
He asked for, and was cleared for the Visual 27. After a while we could spot him coming in from the south.
The cockpit-dane in charge of the radio that night (probably the Cap.) came on the air:
SAS123: Tower, SAS123... lights on, please.
The tower-guy looks at me, confused, since the lights had been on for a while.
Tower: SAS123, Tower, lights are on.
By now he had gotten so close, that he should've been able to see the runway.
SAS123: Tower, SAS123, lights 100%, please. (His voice is starting to sound irritated.)
Tower: Lights 100% ...there you go! (tower-guy, shaking his head)
SAS123: Tower, SAS123, please check and verify: Lights on 100%. (with a tone implying that the tower-guy is incompetent)
Tower: SAS123, Tower, vhecked and verified. (as we're both looking at the runway, lit up like a christmas tree)
The Dash is getting really close now, well within 15 degrees from final.
SAS123: Tower, SAS123, I need those runway lights, PLEASE!!! (voice getting agitated)
Tower-guy being fed up with this, replies:
Tower: SAS123, Tower, check: Ray-Bans OFF!
A moment of silence follows...
SAS123: Uh... OK... sorry... dim lights, please.
They made the turn (really late and kind of steep) and landed safely, after which the tower-guy started ventilating his feelings on SC/SAS crews to me. He then had the captain on the phone, and... well, you know!! He mainly used the kind of words that would get redacted on this board.
One of the local CFIs did the same to me last winter when on downwind in a PA34.
Aircraft: Bardufoss Tower, guess who?
Ah, caramba! This is too good to be true I say to myself, and hit the master off button on the light control panel. (Kills ALL airfield lights)
And I say with a giggle:
Tower: Guess where?
Ahh, good one this.
...just one tiny problem: I had in my excitement forgot that there was more then this aircraft under my control, namely a P28A from same company on taxi to parking. He found himself in pitch black, and started yelling accordingly on the freq...
Second one at Glasgow, perfectly calm night, taking off in a C404, when suddenly at about 200' I encounter severe turbulence, with a bank angle of about 50deg.
G-ERTI: G-ERTI, I think we just encountered wake turbulence. What departed in front of us?
ATC: A Shorts 360
Disembodied voice, strong Scottish accent: We don't create wake turbulence, sonny, we make bow waves.
On a night mail flight from Lydd to Liverpool, on first contact with LATCC (it always used to be quite relaxed on the R/T in the middle of the night in those days)
LATCC: Your route this morning is DET, LAM, BNN, DTY, WHI
G-ERTI: Roger. M20, M25, M1, M6 to Liverpool
LATCC (without a moment's pause): That's correct, your clearance limit is Knutsford Services.
Flying a Chieftan to "County Kerry International Airport":
Cork: Contact Kerry Tower on xxx.xx
Several abortive attempts to call them, then back to Cork
G-ERTI: Cork, G-ERTI, unable to contact Kerry on xxx.xx, please confirm the frequency.
Cork: Standby, I'll call them on the landline.
...
Cork: G-TI, try Kerry again on xxx.xx
G-ERTI: Kerry this is G-ERTI
Kerry (strong Kerryman accent, very out of breath): G-ERTI, sorry about that, I was downstairs having me tea.
Working a light aircraft flying at 3800 Barnsley 1002 (ish) on a NW track.
ATC: G-APPL can you fly at FL45 for correct quadrantal?
G-APPL: Negative sir, we can accept a climb but this aircraft is not equipped to fly at flight levels.
ATC: G-PL, roger, are you able to set Standard Altimeter Setting 1013?
G-APPL: Affirm.
ATC: G-PL, set standard 1013, fly at FL45.
G-APPL: We cannot fly at FL45. We are not equipped!
ATC: G-PL, OK, set 1013 report level 4500 feet.
G-APPL: Wilco.
Now is it me, or did the guy miss out one of the important lessons at flight school?
It had been pretty quiet on Brest frequency for about 5 mins.
ESY123: Brest, Easy 123, can we change to the next frequency if that's OK?
Brest: Well, if you're bored listening to me, then you can call London xxx.xx I hope you enjoy yourself. Au revoir.
A true, scary and a bit funny story from Stockholm Bromma, trainee working TWR with instructor sitting a bit to far away...
She has just given landing clearance on rwyXX to a PA31 on the outer marker, SKX F50 is on the hold.
Then maybe 10 sec later:
Trainee: SKX123 line up and wait RWYxx
Maybe 20-30 seconds later (Trainee realizes f**** up):
Trainee: SKX123 cleared... uh... HELVETE... SKX123 hold position, if you hear a brumming noise overhead it's a Navajo landing well in!
PA31 pilot having seen the Fokker, skimms over it, makes a "normal" landing and taxis in.
Somehow the AAIB had things to say about the instructor...
In the early 60s one squadron of the Swedish Airforce got hold of the new J-29 "Flying Barrels" equipped with an afterburner. This burner had a tendency to give false fire warnings due to a faulty sensor, and normal procedure was therefore to cut back on power and return to field.
One fine morning a pair of them started their takeoff run and just after takeoff the leader transmitted that he got an afterburner fire warning.
The tower controller, well aware of the anomaly, reached for the microphone to clear him for a direct downwind for landing when his wingman called: "...and the parachute is opening normally!"
Guess someone hadn't read their manuals.
A few years ago at Southend. Weekend morning, overcast base 1200 feet
G-APPL: Southend Approach G-APPL is a (light twin) inbound from Elstree passing Stapleford 1500 feet request joining instructions.
ATC: G-APPL are you VFR or IFR?
G-APPL: We're VFR but I'm in IMC.
A R44 Chopper entered the FAJS CTR today without clearance and called for a joining only once passing the extended centre line of the RWY. After confirming his position on RADAR that he was already 7 NM in the CTR he was told that he is to call for joining clearance before entering and not to enter until such clearance is issued. The pilot now even more dumbstruck replies Affirm to which he is told that it is not a question and in future he is to hold clear of controlled airspace till obtaining clearance. Again he answers Affirm to which an annonomous chirp from someone else on frequency replies "The word you are looking for is SORRY"
The chopper pilot meekly apologises.
Nice sunny, calm evening in Scotland.
Balloon: Lossie Radar, good evening, hot air balloon rising through 2000ft, one five miles north west of Inverness, heading in a generally south easterly direction, request flight information service.
Lossie Radar: Are you transponder equipped?
Balloon: Negative.
ANONYMOUS VOICE: Make a turn for radar identification.
Arrivals controller, with a close sequence of 7, asks Approach how he wants them. Approach replies "ahhh, 5 miles between them is fine". Arrivals controller (a known character) promptly works his arse off, and all 7 aircraft hit 30 DME exactly 5 miles apart... laterally.
Few years back 0200 on our regular night freight trip into Brussels....
Miserable night... Cloud base approx 250ft... on the ILS inside the marker:
Tower: G-TI, cleared to land runway 25R.
Short time later we break out and see flashing lights mid-way down the runway... turns out to be a 747 Classic still sitting there...
G-ERTI: G-TI is going around.
Tower: Er... you are not landing then??
Rans S6 inbound to Southampton.
For those who don’t know it, the Rans S6 is a tube and fabric home built, about the same size and shape as a Cessna 150, but with Cub-like glazing around the cockpit.
The Rans was already on finals when a Speedbird flight, also inbound, called up:
Tower: Speedbird 123, you are number two to a Rans S6 on short finals.
BAW123: And what pray, is a Rans S6?
Tower: It’s a sort of see-through Cessna, sir.
A couple of years ago at Gillespie Field, San Diego, doing the required night hours for one of the American Ticket. This was mostly bashing the circuit, getting noticeably darker after the landing light quit. Others in the circuit were reporting various wildlife on the runway and taxiways. I didn’t see any, probably due to aforementioned lack of landing light. At the end of the session while taxing in:
N293: Tower, N293 with a question.
Tower: 293 go ahead.
N293: If I'd seen three cats on the runway at the same time, could I log it as a CAT III approach?
Tower: We’ll let you know!
Many moons ago, in the mid 80's, there I was working Ground at Lajes in the Azores. Glorious summer morning.
Please bear in mind that this happened before the Wall came down.
Now, Lajes ATC was, and still is, staffed with mixed nationality ATCOs from the USAF and the Portuguese AF.
British Nimrod calls up for clearance. We get it off Santa Maria OAC, and about 20 minutes after that he calls for taxi. Since he's the only thing moving in the field I'm only kind of glancing at him every now and again.
Almost in slow motion the guy working Flight Data (an American) gets up, reaches for the binoculars and goes "What the Fxxk...???"
You see, the Nimrod has a kind of hatch on top of the fuselage, which in this occasion was open.
Out of it was one of the crewmembers happily waving a HUGE SOVIET UNION FLAG.
Out of a British Nimrod.
In a Nato base.
Needless to say, the Americans went beserk. Crash phone activated for a possible hijack, military police cars full of armed boys swarming all over the aircraft, fire engines blocking the runway.
In the mean time, trying to control my tears of laughter at both the British joke and the look on the Yanks' faces, I managed to tell the, by this time having serious second thoughts, aircraft commander to shut down is engines, open his doors and prepare to be borded.
Heard afterwards that he had a lot to explain to his Squadron Leader.
Two recent ones at Cranfield.
I was on finals to land on Runway 22 (I fly fixed wing...).
G-MM: G-MM finals 22 to land
Tower: G-MM cleared to land HOTEL 22
G-MM: Cleared to land erm... HOTEL 22?? Request auto-rotation in that case.
Tower: Oh... sorry... cleared to land 22, and bonus points for the autorotation.
One clear calm evening in October, overheard an aircraft approaching from the northeast.
G-APPL: G-APPL request rejoin and we'd like a couple circuits.
Tower: G-PL approved, surface wind is calm, nothing in the circuit, which runway would you like?
G-APPL: We'll take all 4, all with left turns in that case.
Tower: er... oooookay, make straight-in for runway 22.
...
G-APPL: G-PL finals touch and go runway 22
Tower: G-PL cleared touch and go runway 22, 36, 04, and 18, just don't get too dizzy.
Aircraft calling for clearance on GMC Freq at night
F/O doing the radio work gives the parking stand and destination. Capt shouts out 330 in the background; F/O says requesting FL330.
They are required to pass reg to us with all the above as well.
Me as GMC controller: Could the guy in the back shout out the registration as well please?
This happened tonight 10th December 2003 around 17:00
Fog is causing chaos across most of South East England with Stansted and Heathrow operating at vastly reduced capacities. There is one small island of clear in all this. Miraculously Luton (normally a fog magnet) is clear. So diverts are coming in from all directions. At one point I counted 7 planes inbound or vectoring either side of the Runway 26 approach. The aprons are crammed with biz jets and airliners that have set down earlier in the afternoon. Tower and Ground are working flat out with inbounds spaced at 7 miles and Ground desperately trying to clear the backlog of planes holding by the fire station. Thus keeping the runway clear.
Plane just been instructed to vacate right and join the queue when this cuts across ground...
Unidentified pilot: Welcome to this ........ flight to Madrid. This is Capt ........ and I'll be flying you to Madrid this evening. I apologise for the long delay to this flight. This was caused by a first officer becoming unavailable and the person you have just seen walking up the steps is the stand in who has just made his way from Gatwick. You can imagine the delay caused by driving around the M25 on a night like this. We are just going to spend the next five minutes catching up on paper work... (continues for next 3 minutes)
Unidentified voice: Now try that talking to the passengers
Unidentified pilot (muffled voice): sorry...
Unidentified voice: Gee, that was the longest one I've heard!
The guilty party then waited a good 15 minutes (until a lot of the planes that had heard him had disappeared off frequency) before apologising to ground. Who was very pragmatic about it and offered sympathy to the pilot concerned.
About two years ago, flying back my metro to my home base, Wichita KS, on a Sat morning. As always, it seemed that the weather always gets worse the last day of the week when one just wants to go home. The landing on a iced up runway (freezing rain hit the airport all morning) was uneventful even though I was glad to know how to snowboard. Just felt like it.
Anyways I was slowly taxiing in (took me 15 minutes for a normal 2min one).
Me: Running out of salt this morning?
Tower: Kansas is a poor state Sir.
Tower Lear N123, hows the taxiing?
Learjet Lear N123, bit slow but we manage...
Tower You may want to have a look at your nosewheel when you get to the apron.
Learjet Certainly... why?
Tower It's pointing 90 degrees from your heading, Sir.
Learjet Request clearance to taxi to XXXHangar for maintenance.
Pilot: London, can you give us the Manston information?
ATC: OK, do you require the weather or airfield data?
Pilot: Runway in use would be good.
ATC: Well the wind is showing as 310 at 12 so it looks like 28.
Pilot: Roger... and are they doing visual approaches?
ATC: My information is showing CAVOK so I'm sure it's possible.
Pilot: Thanks London.
ATC: No problem, anything else I can get you?
Pilot: Chocks and stairs would be nice!
Many years ago, when I was a Boeing 727 Captain for the United States Marshal Service, I had a little run in with a arrogant US Airways "BIG AIRPLANE" pilot flying a 737, yes a 737. At the time we were only using "N" and the aircraft number, we had been using Boeing XXX, but a new boss and new rules resulted in us using just the NXXX call sign. (Using the aircraft type in front of the number is standard in the US.)
Anyway, on with the story:
We were driving down some J-route on the East Coast at FL310 and the ATC conversation went like this.
ATC N123 say mach.
N123 (us): Mach .81.
ATC: US Air 456 say mach.
USA456: Mach .74.
ATC: US Air 456 can you increase to .80?
USAir456: Negative.
ATC: Can increase speed any?
USA456: Negative.
Having no luck with US Air, ATC calls us:
ATC: N123 can you reduce to .74?
N123: Well, yes we can if we have to.
ATC: Thanks, maintain .74.
We agree to fly .74 and the 72 does not like to fly at .74, we are wallowing around and damn near using the same amount of fuel at .74 as we were at .81. Anyway a few minutes pass and ATC calls us again.
ATC: N123 are you at .74?
N123: Yup.
ATC: US Air 456 say mach.
USA456: .74.
ATC: N123 you are still catching the US Air, can you reduce any more?
My buddy in the right seat allows that we really don’t want to slow down anymore and asks if we can be vectored around the US Air flight. The controller thinks about this for a minute or two and makes a great decision.
ATC: N123 you can wrong way FL330 and normal speed for a while until you pass the 737.
N123: Yes sir we can do that.
ATC: N123 maintain current speed until reaching FL330 and then resume normal speed, cleared to FL330.
My buddy in the right seat reads back the clearance and I wake up the FE and get max. continuous EPR and off we go. Never being one to let sleeping dogs lie my buddy in the right seat calls ATC when we level at 330 (about a minute after we read back the climb clearance) and lets everybody on frequency know that we are accelerating to normal cruise speed. And our friend in the 73 decides that he just has to say something. (He does not know that we are in a 72.)
USA456 (with a very condescending attitude): Sorry to inconvenience the little guy there.
At this time I decide to exert some of that command stuff and tell my buddy in the right seat that I will handle this call.
N123: Oh that's OK, you don't have to apologize for flying a Baby Boeing Speed Bump.
Anyway we passed him doing about .87 mach (I was still at max. continuous) and a few minutes later ATC calls us.
ATC: N123 you are passed the flying speed bump and you can go back down to 310 now.
Well, we had a good laugh over it. Don’t know about the "Big Airplane Pilot".
Late August 2002, VFR nav flight in an Arrow from Lanseria to Gaborone. The approach ATCO vectored us towards the VOR, which sent us over high ground to the South of the airport in rain. I'm not happy with ground clearance and my mate in the RH seat (handling R/T) asks to confirm altitude.
ATC: Are you in contact with the ground?
My mate (in Scouse accent): Negative, but at this altitude we will be soon!
VP-CTJ: London, VP-CTJ request descent please, I'm handflying the aircraft as the autopilot's not working properly.
ATC: TJ roger, descend FL250 initially
VP-CTJ: Roger FL250, TJ
BAW8086: London good evening BAW8086 FL360 - on Autopilot as the crew aren't working properly!
Heard today at Biggin Hill, with the circuit packed, streams of aircraft getting back just before dark, two rotaries hovering between the runways, people stepping on each other's transmissions and the ATCO pretty much at the peak of capacity... fairly typical nice weekend day at a busy GA airfield.
Tower: G-AX Contact Approach 129.4.
...
Tower: G-AX Contact Approach 129.4.
...
Tower: G-BBAX Biggin Tower are you receiving my transmissions?
G-AX: Sorry 'bout that, Tower, we were talking to each other.
Tower: Well, I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but would you mind changing to Approach on 129.4?
During IR training in Norway
Had performed a missed app and was climbing in a strong headwind, increasing with altitude. Had to get to FL80 because of terrain and mountain waves, so it was a long climb in a PA28.
Reduced to Vx as we was overhead a VOR/DME, just for fun to see how low our groundspeed could get. For about five minutes, the DME groundspeed read 0 to 0.5, every now and then the distance to DME station decreased due to the mountain waves.
ATC: Spirit xxx, do you have fuel enough to reach your dest with your present speed?
Next is a "old" one..from a legendary controller here in Norway. This happened at the time when the old airport for Oslo ENFB (Fornebu) was still in operation.
One of the first airlines to fly 757 to Norway, was BA... I guess the pilot was very proud of his new aircraft... and wanted to "test" out the knowledge of the controller... so this took place on approach to ENFB:
ATC: Speedbird 123, reduce to Cleanspeed.
BAW123: (with a very posh, "nose up" English voice) Excuse me, but do you know my cleanspeed?
ATC: (answered very quickly) Negative sir, but you can ask your co-pilot!
On JNB GMC on Saturday
G-ERTI: Request taxi.
ATC: Taxi Bravo, Cat 2 holding point runway 03L
G-ERTI: does that mean that Intersection Lima not available for departure? (and having not requested an intersection departure at any time prior)
ATC: Sorry I loaned my telepathic powers to Superman for the morning and couldn't read your mind. Taxi Lima holding point runway 03L
Overheard at LBA a few years ago (aircraft was, from memory, a British Midland Fokker)
ATC: Midland 42, stand five facing west please.
BMA42: Stand five facing west, Midland 42.
Two minutes later:
ATC: Midland 42, alright then, stand five facing EAST!
BMA42: (somewhat embarrassed) Oh... er... well you see we are used to facing east and anyway, we like to watch the sun come up!
Two Red Arrows flying up the East Coast of Scotland.
Red1: Red2, am I contrailing?
Red2: Negative.
Red1: Uh, OK - then you're on fire.
Tower controller unfamiliar with CASA 212 departing:
Tower: Coastguard 42, your landing gear is down.
Coastguard 42: Thank you very much. It has been down since 1986.
On Joburg special rules frequency for air to air position reports...
ZS-ABC: Uh, all statio-io-io-ns, th-th-th-is i-i-is A-A-A B-B-B C-C-C, (pilot stuttering uncontrollably)
Another voice: Oh $%$% it. This is -ABC, Cessna 172, coming up the eastern shore of Hartebeesport dam approx 7000 ft heading southbound...
THE WEIRD THING IS THAT THE SECOND VOICE WAS FROM ANOTHER PLANE! Obviously he was fed up with the stuttering, had the a/c in sight and decided to report for them.
Back in "the old days," my friend Bill was working a radar sector when the computer failed.
The normal procedure was to put the scope into a horizontal position and then revert to the old broad-band radar and "shrimp boats". Knocking the scope down involved a bit of gymnastics - pushing a foot pedal while simultaneously pulling the scope forward and pushing it flat.
As I was walking down the aisle, I saw Bill struggling with his scope. He issued a clearance:
ATC: United 555, descend and maintain FL310, expedite through FL330 for traffic.
He then clipped his mic switch to his belt.
Unknown to either of us, his mic was keyed.
I asked if he needed help with his scope. Bill nodded and replied:
I can't get this son-of-a-&@#$ to go down!
Just then we noticed the transmitter was on, so he unkeyed.
Over the radio came:
UAL555: Center, United 555. Sorry sir, but we're descending as fast as we can.
It was back in 1990 at LLanbedr and the Aerodrome Controller was the type who was always bragging. His latest claim was "I know the Red Arrows personally".
So we set him up. One day when I was the approach controller I told him that the Arrows were transiting through the overhead South to North in 5 minutes at 1500 feet. I told him that when they had 5 miles to run I would send them to his frequency.
So they checked in. (Well, it was my disguised voice.)
Red Leader: Red check in 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Red Leader: Llanbedr Tower, this is Red Arrows formation, 1500 feet on 1022, 5 miles south to transit through the overhead.
Tower: Red Arrows you are clear to transit. I have no known traffic.
Red Leader: Roger Tower... Is that you Bob?
Tower: (stunned) Yes?
Red Leader: Thought so, I recognised your voice.
2 minutes later
Red Leader: Tower, Arrows now clear of your zone and going en route, bye Bob. Reds Button 6 go.
Stunned Tower Controller calls Approach on the landline to tells us and cannot understand why we are laughing like drains!
An inbound airliner passing a VOR about 40 NM out and see an outbound one still with landing lights on. He is on a different freq. but ask the controller to pass the message.
ATC:: Qantas 123, you still have your landing lights on.
QFA123: Thank you... say, what kind of radar do you guys have?
At Shawbury in the eighties, the local hunt would occassionally encroach on the undershoot to the detriment of safety. The call from the local controller would be:
Tower: G-APPL, break off the approach, summer hunt crossing the undershoot.
Well, the fickle finger of fate does not wait long to catch out the unaware and sure enough the fateful day came when the PAR controller readback the call as:
Tower: G-APPL, break off the approach, some c$%$ crossing the undershoot.
Then there was the good old Flying Tiger 74 classic at Dubai many moons ago ready for start on the gate.
TIGER42: Flying Tiger 42, four burning and turning, ready for the push.
And from a Birdseed passing behind.
BAW123: I hate to say this, old chap, but you seem to have five burning and turning. Your APU is on fire.
Colleage from flight school in a 737 behind us, waiting to line up RWY 18 in FRA, I as FO in an A320.
Tower: Lufthansa 123, you see the Airbus in front of you?
DLH123: Lufthansa 123, affirm, we do.
Me: Tower, correction, you must mean the >>beautiful<< Airbus in front of him?
TWR: Lufthansa 123 behind the beautiful Airbus in front of you, line up RWY 18 behind.
DLH123: ggrmbl... eeuhm... well... behind the Scarebus we will line up behind then.
I'm an ATC at Cleveland Center in the US. Over the last 13 years, I've had a few laughs, but the funniest situations are when the pilots work with you...
B757: Cleveland Center, UAL123 on you, FL390.
ATC: UAL123, roger.
HS25: Cleveland, Hawker 456 checking in, FL370 looking for FL390.
ATC: Hawker 456, roger. Traffic 3 o'clock, 40 miles, FL390, a 757. Higher in about 6 minutes.
(about 2 minutes later)
HS25: Hawker 456 looking for FL390.
ATC: Hawker 456, your traffic is now 3 o'clock, 25 miles, FL390. Higher clearing him.
(about 30 seconds later)
HS25: Center, how's 390 looking?
ATC: Hawker 456, say ride conditions. (thinking he was getting a rough ride)
HS25: Smooth.
ATC: Hawker 456, if I climb you now, you'll be the hood ornament on a 757.
B757: Center, we're not configured for a hood ornament.
...thanks again to that 757 pilot, whomever you are
Years ago at CYVR.
Single runway ops due to wind, extremely busy period, airport controller working his butt off to fit small light VFR aircraft into the IFR arrival stream.
Controller to C172 G-APPL who has been holding on close base:
Tower: G-APPL turn left direct runway 26, give me your best possible speed, touchdown at about the 2000' mark and exit left at the high speed taxiway without delay, 747 traffic 2 and a half in trail.
G-APPL: (looking nervously at the 747) Tower, are you sure this is going to work?
Tower: I hope so, I'm betting your life on it.
Student pilot in the pattern on a quiet Sunday...
Student: Cessna 123, would like to leave the pattern on downwind, and return to Orlando.
Tower: That's a negative, you are required to do at least two more touch'n'goes...
Long delay...
Student: Cessna 123, ehm... ok... two more then...
Tower: Nah... just kidding. Contact Orlando on 123.45, have a nice one!
Also had a personal run in with him...
I normally fly helicopters, but found myself driving a Piper Warrior for fun... holding short of the runway...
Me: Helicopter N1234, holding short of 9 for a southwest departure.
Tower: When you figure out what you are flying, I'll let you take off.
A certain training airfield in this part of the world encouraged pilots to use the term "DUAL" to inform the tower that an instructor was onboard. (Armed with this knowledge, we could issue some of the more difficult instructions from our repertoire with a small amount of confidence that they might be taken up).
Student: Ardmore Tower, Echo Lima Uniform taxiing for 40 minute city scenic via the victors with Echo, 1013, we have 3 POB and an instructor.
(I always did wonder if they counted as real people).
On another occasion, I had to bite my tongue. A student who must have used 03/21 all his life returned from the training area and the runway-in-use was 07. As the aircraft slowed up it started to weave from left to right and then came to a halt on the runway...
Student: Tower, can you tell me where to get off?
A British Airways jet taxying out at Manchester... nothing in front of him...
Tower: Speedbird 123, number 2 for departure.
BAW123: Where's number 1?
Tower: Look to your right, he's on the runway.
The "Unusual" B747 had missed the only taxiway during WIP, and had to backtrack.
Yesterday, near the Humber...
ATC: Aircraft flying North up the Trent, 2700', Humberside Approach, are you on this frequency?
...
ATC: Aircraft flying North up the Trent, 2700', Humberside Approach, are you on this frequency?
...
ATC: Aircraft flying North up the Trent, 2700', Humberside Approach, are you on this frequency?
G-APPL: Humberside Approach, G-APPL, pass your message.
ATC: G-APPL, squawk ident... big brother is watching you!
When training for my PPL at GLA.
G-APPL: G-APPL, request touch and go Rwy 23.
Tower: Cleared to land initially due to wake turbulance.
I held on the runway waiting for my take off clearance, then over the R/T I hear an EasyJet which had lined up behind me...
ESY123: Have you broken down son?
And then after waiting a few more minutes, off I went.
For BHD from Guernsey on an IR training trip last week, in a PA34, callsign 'Fasttrack 23'. At FL100 just handed on to London Control:
PA34: London Control, Fasttrack 23, FL100 direct Berry Head.
ATC: (long pause) Er, Foxtroxt Sierra Tango 23 was that?
PA34: Affirm London, it's Fasttrack 23, FL100
ATC: Confirm your callsign?
PA32: FASTTRACK 23
ATC: (deadpan) Ah, roger Fasttrack 23, it was the 160kt groundspeed that fooled me.
Ground: Ryanair 123, are you ops normal?
RYR123: ...Affirm.
Ground: Just wondered. I've never seen you taxi so slowly!
Last night at EG-- about 1:30am. Nothing on frequency, one inbound, otherwise radio silence.
ATC: Lighting 2, vacate at Echo.
No reply.
ATC: Lighting 2, Ground?
No reply.
ATC: Lighting 2, vacate at Echo.
No reply.
ATC: Lighting 3, can you see Lighting 2, he has gone deaf.
Short delay...
Lighting 2: Go ahead, Ground.
ATC: GET OFF MY RUNWAY.
Lighting 2: Sorry, vacated at Echo.
ATC: If you are going to be deaf I'm not gonna let you back on.
Lighting 2: Erm... roger... sorry... can hear you now.
Aircraft departs...
Lighting 2: Lighting 2 requesting permission to enter runway.
long pause...
ATC: Only if you promise not to go deaf again.
Lighting 2: I won't.
Heard a few days ago at LHR. BA 747 taxying out for 09R.
B747: We have an problem with our No4 engine. Our engineers have suggested that it may cure itself if we shut it down and restart it. Where would be the best place to do that?
Ground: (with feeling!) GATWICK
Stuttgart Tower: Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
DLH5680: This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots... But we are flexible.
Stuttgart Tower: We too. Reduce to 173 knots.
Tower: Windsor 123, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open.
WIN123 (after quickly scanning the FE panel): Ah, thanks Tower, but you must be looking at our APU door.
Tower: Okay, Windsor 123, cleared for takeoff.
WIN123: Cleared for takeoff, Windsor 123.
Tower (during the takeoff roll): Windsor 123, ah... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage...
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control...
Captain: Good morning, Sydney, this is United 123, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight...
ATC: Roger, United... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land.
Heard in DUB the other day...
ATC: Specsaver 241, Approach, are you still IMC"
SSZ241: Approach, Specsaver 241, off course not - we are visual!
Student pilot on qualifying cross-country calls and is unreadable.
ATC: Unreadable, use the speechless code - once for yes, twice for no. The question is... are you visual with the field?
Student (now closer to the field, in anguished voice): Once for yes!
Luckily I remembered "Aviate, howl with laughter, Navigate, Communicate" or I might never have got down in one piece.
Tower: Cessna Two Six Lima, make left traffic for runway one eight you are number 2 behind a Cherokee.
26L: Make left traffic for one eight and number 2, traffic in sight, 26L.
Tower: 26L, there is a Bonanza coming in on long final.
26L: So, what do you expect me to do about it?
Tower: Errrrm... 26L, give me full speed from where you are, don’t square off your base, make short approach for one eight.
26L: errrm, okeydokey, 26L.
Manchester Approach: Baby 123, just a hypothetical question: If I cleared you direct to MIRSI now, and did not give you any further instructions - what would you do?
BMI123: Well, guess we'll stick with the STAR and join the holding - why?
Manchester Approach: Ah, we've just been doing a poll with the regulars at MAN all day, and congrats - you got 10 out of 10.
BMI123: Thanks!
Manchester Approach: Baby 123, now direct MIRSI.
Tower: L39 N123, did you guys get that contract with the post office?
L39: Say again Ellington Tower.
Tower: L39, We heard that the mail was going to be in the Czech.
(pause)
L39: ... Slow day, huh.
Tower (laughing): Sorry.
American F-111 Flossie late 70's. AC on PAN call.
Texan drawl.....
F111: Lossie, Akee 24 on handover from Scottish inbound, we're for a IFR approach to the best available runway.
ATC: Akee 24 identified radar advisory, runway 23 blah blah blah, both cables up. (We had to stop the Gannets somehow.)
In a confused tone...
F111: Both cables? What are these cables?
Controller even more confused...
ATC: Akee 24 they're the approach and overun cables, both set 1300ft in from each threshold.
Long pause during which the controller looked at me (I was the approach assistant) even more confused...
F111: Lossie, Akee24, these cables... can a F-111 go under them?
ATC to F-15 just after takeoff:
ATC: Gunslinger, climb and maintain FL 310.
(30 seconds pass, ATC just about to key the mic....)
F-15: (grunting) Roger, Gunslinger level FL310
Heard on Johannesburg Oceanic from a VARIG flying from Cape Town to Sao Paulo.
ATC: Varig 123 next report crossing 005 degrees east.
VRG123: ...
VRG123: Er... we don't have 005 east in our flight plan...
ATC: Varig 123 then report operations normal at time 0930.
VRG123: (even longer silence) Er... Johannesburg... we don't have operations normal in our flight plan either.
When I walked into the Oceanic Control room, the controller wasn't able to speak due to the laughter.
We took off from Schipol, as I was Pilot Flying, my left seat bud thought Amsterdam was just like bush flying in Poland so he decided once the gear was up to sharply shorten the communication with ATC.
At Schipol, crews have to switch from tower to departure passing 2000ft. We all know I hope the info Departure ATC needs from us but he decided or used to, I don't know, to merely exclaim:
WIN123: Windsor 123 AIRBORNE.
Knowing that he would be asked in the next few secs at least to report altitude passing and cleared level... I didn't intervene.
The ATC gentleman nicely answered:
ATC: CONGRATULATIONS now report altitude passing.
Having to concentrate on the initial climb my internal laugh became obvious while established on cruise...
Left seat guy I believe and hope took his Comms book from school out again to make our professional airline sound like one.
Busy day over LA...
GA aircraft with not familiar pilot calls in and requests landing at airport
N12345: Pos X requests landing...
SOCAL: N12345 proceed to Mile Square Park for spacing.
N12345: Eh, Mile Square Park, what does it look like?
SOCAL: Well, it's a park, sort of squarish and about one mile on each side...
I was listening to NY OAC on 11330 HF on last 18 Feb and heard the following :
AAL619: New York, New York, American 619 on one one.
ATC: American 619 go ahead
AAL619: Yeah we'd like to get a selcal check please, ALMQ
ATC: ALMQ (sends the tone)
AAL619: Negative
ATC: (sends the tone)
AAL619: Negative. ALMQ
ATC: That's what I'm sending. Stand-by, I'll send a double.
ATC: (sends the tone twice, back to back)
AAL619: Nah we're not getting it. Stand-by I'll call you on the other set
AAL619: (2nd radio) New York, 619 again, ALMQ please
ATC: (sends the tone a few times)
AAL619: Nah... (big sigh) looks like we're gonna have to listen to ya today...
ATC: (really meek voice) I'll try not to be annoying...
AAL619: (laughing)
German Astra on a tight slot departing Farnborough:
ATC: 322 theres a Gazelle in your left 11 O clock, do you have him in sight?
322: Affirm
ATC: Roger, can you give me a good rate of climb to get over him?
322: Most definitly!
ATC: Roger, 322 runway 24 cleared take off 240/10
322: Cleared take off 24, climbing like hell, 322
Think this was a dig from Tower to the aircraft just airborne, by telling the lined up and about to depart aircaft:
ATC: ABC123, the previous aircraft seems to have blown off track. Your departure clearance is a standard Pole Hill 4 Sierra departure.
ABC123: Roger, Pole Hill 4 Sierra.
ATC: ABC123, you are cleared for take off... wind calm.
APF TWR, Cessna 123AB, student pilot, 20 miles east, 2500ft, inbound for landing.
ATC: Cessna 123AB, APF TWR, roger, I don't see you, but you might be too low for radar. Report 10 miles east.
...
Student: APF TWR, Cessna 123AB, 10 miles east.
ATC: Cessna 123AB, roger, still don't see you, report 2 miles east for right downwind runway 5.
...
Student: APF TWR, Cessna 123AB, 2 miles east, joining downwind runway 5.
ATC: Uhhhhhhm, Cessna 123AB, still don't see you, where are you?
Student: About 2 miles east joining right downwind.
ATC: Cessna 123AB, I see no traffic to my east. Ident for me please.
Student: Roger, ident. Turning base now, 123AB.
ATC: Cessna 123AB, ident observed, CLIMB 2000' NOW! TURN RIGHT HDG 060, you are over Fort Myers International, not over APF!
On a clear night, the sun is starting to set. Just at that time (a while ago) a shuttle is launched from the eastcoast.
Several planes in the traffic pattern.
ATC: All traffic, APF TWR, if you look to the NNE, you will see a shuttle being launched.
One of the pilots replies:
Roger, traffic in sight.
Early on in my career in the Deadloss Nimrod Simulator, me playing the "duty air traffic bod"
Aircraft is at high level (for a Nimrod) and calls me....
Nimrod: S1M requesting clearance for FANOS.
I acknowleged his request, grabbed the high level en route chart and proceeded to look for FANOS. Could I find it... could I heck.
Looked in the sim navaid database.. nothing.
Nevermind I thought time to call the Pilot instructor....
"Jock where the f$%k is FANOS?"
He creased up, tears rolling down his cheeks, the lot. Then he pressed "pause" on the sim... "Sorry crew, he says he can't find FANOS on the map", and they all cracked up too.
"Come on Jock where is it?" I pleaded, my embarrassment by now acute.
"It's not a place you pillock." says Jock "They want clearance for 'Flight Above Normal Operating Speed'"
A trainee on our approach procedural course tried this on the simulator at ATC college.
Trainee: G-SIMU, climb flight level 60.
--no response--
Trainee: G-SIMU, climb flight level 60.
--no response--
Student (somewhat nervously)
Trainee: G-SIMU, Approach?
--no response--
Instructor to trainee:
"I'll give you a clue... do you think his radio might have failed?"
The trainee decides to apply the speechless procedure.
Trainee: G-SIMU, Approach, if you are receiving this transmisson click once for YES. If you ARE NOT receiving this transmission, click twice for NO.
G-SIMU: (click) (click)
The instructor almost folded in half. It then took both the Student and Sim Pilot another minute to realise what had just happened, just enough time for the instructor to wipe the tears away!
Many years ago... it's very quiet. A controller gets an initial call on UHF from a Nimrod...
Nimrod: (on UHF) Kinloss Radar, Petrel 9099, requests radar service.
But before he can answer gets another call from the same callsign, different voice, on VHF...
Nimrod: (on VHF) Kinloss Radar, Petrel 9099, requesting radar service.
Brilliant quick thinking, controller turns off VHF:
ATC: (on UHF) Petrel 9099, for radar identification, make a turn to the left.
Then quickly switches UHF off and VHF on:
ATC: (on VHF) Petrel 9099, for radar identification, make a turn to the right.
Radar return seen to fly straight ahead for 4-5 miles:
Nimrod: (third voice) Nice one, you got us there!
Me, Two days ago after a long day. It's good to laugh at yourself.
G-APPL: Prestwick Tower G-PL is left base, Runway Three One.
Tower: Roger, G-PL, cleared final Runway Three One, number one, QNH One Zero Three One.
G-APPL: Roger, cleared final number one, Runway One Zero... Runway Three One... stand by.
Pause to collect thoughts...
G-APPL: Cleared final One Three number... eh, stand by.
G-APPL: Cleared One Zero... er... G-PL has lost powers of speech.
Tower: I knew what you meant.
This happened this evening. If you've ever wondered what we're up to when we say 'sorry I was on the landline', then this is for you.
(phone rings)
Me: Humberside Radar.
Manch: Manchester East co-ordinator, level please, KLM 8086.
Me: Hmm (rummage)... I don't have a strip for a KLM 8086.
Manch: Huh?... Oh god, it's going to Teesside you pillock!
Me: Heheh. Yes, entirely my fault for not being Teesside.
Manch: Sorry, not you, I was talking to this idiot beside me.
The poor chap was still getting abuse for it when they called for a level on the next inbound!
The last Boeing for the night landed at ENEV. On their way to gate 30, the pilot said:
Boeing: Ehhh... can you see the running rabbit in front of us?
I was confused, but I saw a small shadow running like heck in front of the plane.
Tower: Yes I do, ehh... the rabbit is on its way to gate 28, no conflict.
Boeing: Ah, thank you, have a good evening.
DLH123: Munich Clearance, Lufthansa 123 good morning, ready to copy.
ATC: Er... roger Lufthansa 123, stand by.
ATC: Ah... Lufthansa 123 we don't have your flighplan, say destination.
DLH123: Well, like every Tuesday morning it is Dresden, Lufthansa 123.
ATC: Lufthansa 123 you know... today it's Monday...
DLH123: $§&%§ but on Monday we're off duty!
A couple of years ago a good friend of mine had an engine failure in a helicopter.
G-HELI Tower, G-LI, engine failure, I'm going down.
Tower: OK, do so.
After making a successful autorotation to the ground but being out of sight:
Tower: G-LI, do you need any (medical) assistance?
G-HELI: Oh, thanks for asking but I have the mechanic, being responsible, with me.
Glider from the local (Pegasus) gliding club with pilot recovering from 200km fast triangle flight or something:
Glider: Good afternoon Gutersloh. Glider XYZ overhead blah di blah requesting final glide approach grass parallel runway 27.
Tower: XYZ hold present location for outbound traffic.
Glider: Holding. (pauses) Gutersloh request contact Pegasus for surface recovery. Grid ref to follow.
Heard one day when 28L was in use for departures at about the time British Midland were painting their aircraft dark blue.
ATC: Midland 123 line up 28L and cleared take off.
BMI123: Cleared line up take off.
ATC: Speedbird 019 (a Concorde) behind the departing Midland line up and hold.
BAW019: (awfully far back) Is that the blue one?
ATC: Affirm.
ATC: KLM 145 behind the departing Concorde line up hold, caution reheat and wake.
KLM145: (as laid back as only the Dutch can) Is that the white one?
Sadly no riposte from Nigel.
Heard this while waiting at the holding point of Rwy 10 at Dubin recently, with an Air Canada 767 on final.
Tower: Air Canada 123, cleared to land runway 10, wind 150 degress 10 knots.
ACA123: Roger, cleared to land runway 10.
a few seconds later.....
ACA123: Tower for your information, wind at 1000ft is 220 at 30 knots.
Tower: Well it's lucky you're landing on the ground then.
Overheard on Salzburg tower a couple of years ago (paraphrased from memory) ...
Cessna 150: Salzburg Tower, OE-XXX, overhead Hallein at 4000, inbound your airfield.
Tower: XXX, continue to Glasenbach.
Two minutes later
Chopper: Salzburg Tower, OE-YYY, overhead Hallein at 3000, inbound your airfield.
Tower: YYY, continue to Glasenbach.
30 seconds later:
Tower: OE-XXX, a helicopter will - how shall I put it? - undertake you in a few moments.
ATC: Jazz 8086, turn left heading 260 to intercept Jet 508 on course.
JZA8086: Uh, we've got the RNAV today. Can we go direct somewhere?
ATC Jazz 8086, cleared direct somewhere.
And another, while talking to a King Air that was VFR within a practice area (Class F restricted airspace) and I was giving traffic info since I wasn't busy. The King Air was manouvering just enough to make it tricky...
ATC: XXX, traffic in your 12:30, 6 miles, westbound, indicating same altitude unverifed... er, now it's in your 11.30.
King Air: Okay, we're looking.
ATC: XXX, now it's in your 1 o'clock, 4 miles, make that your 1:30.
King Air: Is that ZULU time or local?
ATC: He's moving pretty fast so it must be ZULU; he's 7 hours ahead.
Doing some skydiving outta BB in a Seneca II, I had this Canadian girl 'visiting' me for a bit and anyway, time for her to go home, and her flight left from BNE International. I only had a motorbike at the time, so we got up early, and chucked the door back on the Seneca and whizzed up to BNE.
This is the bit where I agree with CAPT H, the BNE ATC are probably the most helpful, friendly and funny bunch of controllers I have dealt with...
Advised to take the high speed taxiway to left "keep that little thing cranking along" I was asked if I wanted directions to the GA park... I then told them, I had a pax for an international flight... the reply "Rrrrriiiggggghhhttttt... hold posistion"
5 minutes later, I was directed to bay 78 at the international terminal!!! Slotted the senny inbetween a Thai a/w's 777 and QF 747, unloaded everything, and she was escorted round the other side by the nice customs people! During this time, EVERYBODY came over for a look, and windows in the flightdecks above me had a steady procession of surprised faces in them!!
Goodbyes said, I jumped into the plane and listened to ATIS, noting that a push-back approval was required, which I requested!! They laughed, said "Push back approved, and we want to see how you are going to do that."
I jumped out, pushed the senny back by hand around 20 feet, jumped in, started up and requested taxi clearance!
Taxied out to the active, and they asked me (snickering!!) if "required the full length of the runway? I told them that since I being charged landing fees, I am going to get the most out of them, and that yes, I would line up at the threshold!
Safely airbourne, BNE centre warned the approaching 747 for wake turb for the departing Seneca!! Very funny...
Flying a single engine charter in a Piper Dakota from Sydney to Lismore, and on approach into Lismore Eastern 1717 (I think... anyway a QF Dash 8) was catching me from behind.
Controller advised Eastern
ATC: Eastern 1717, traffic your 11 o'clock 6 miles a DC3, 6500 for Lismore.
EAL1717: Ahh, looking...
VH-ABQ (Me): Ahhh, Centre, we are a PIPER Dakota, not a DOUGLAS Dakota...
ATC: Right... Eastern 1717, traffic half an Aztec 11 o'clock 4 miles 5900...
VH-ABQ: Touche, Brisbane Centre...
Overheard on a frequency somewhere in the southwest!!
ATC: G-APPL are you familiar with (approach procedure) as published?
G-APPL: Affirm.
ATC: Roger, ILS approach minima 200ft. Report cockpit checks complete.
G-APPL: Ah... roger.
The pilot then left the tx switch on and we heard him as he turned to his passengers:
G-APPL: Right shut it you lot, I've never done this before!
Heard in Europe some time ago:
Ground: Finnair 123, taxi Alpha to gate 26.
FIN123: Alpha to 26, Finnair 123.
After 1 minute:
Ground: Finnair 123, you have just passed your gate.
FIN123: Oops, sorry, Finnair 123...
Ground: OK, turn left now and then taxi to your gate again.
FIN123: Yeah, three-sixty to the left and taxi back to gate, Finnair 123.
Ground: I think one-eighty would be better.
Survey aircraft working Thames radar for 4th day running:
G-ERTI: G-ERTI requesting limited radar information service.
ATC: G-ERTI, why only a limited radar information service?
G-ERTI: We may as well ask for what we're going to get.
ATC: We may just surprise you today.
G-ERTI: Go on then!
ATC: G-ERTI you are identified... limited radar information due radar performance.
Heard on BHX ground:
BRT123: Ground, British 123, Embraer 145 Stand 8, request clearance to XXX, information Lima.
ATC: You're getting ahead of yourself, Madam, we're only at Kilo so far.
BRT123: Sorry, can't read my skipper's handwriting.
ATC: Maybe he was a doctor in a previous life?
BRT123: A doctor of what?
Having a quiet Sunday in the tower at Manston many moons ago when I get a call from an instructor at Biggin Hill telling me he has a student doing a cross country and would like to do a few circuits and some emergency procedures. After clearing it with the Satco it is agreed and two hours later the said C152 arrives and starts bashing the circuit.
Turning crosswind after a go around:
Student: PRACTICE MAYDAY, PRACTICE MAYDAY, PRACTICE MAYDAY - simulated engine failure.
Ten seconds later the squawk box from the Coastguard SAR opens up (they are monitoring the frequency) and a resigned voice says:
SAR: Tell him we can do a practice scramble if he will pay for the fuel.
Overheard Sunday whilst over Bridlington UK speaking to Humberside Radar.
G-APPL: Humberside, G-APPL, Piper Cadet out of Sherburn, 2 POB, heading 030, 2000ft, request radar information service.
Humberside: G-PL good afternoon, radar information service approved, squawk 4260.
G-APPL: G-PL squawk 4260, are you Approach or Radar?
Humberside: G-PL, Humberside Radar.
G-APPL: Oh ok, erm, do you have the number for Humberside Approach?
Humberside: G-PL, it's 119.125.
G-APPL: Many thanks, switching to Humberside Approach...
Humberside: (can tell they're giggling a little) G-PL, roger, have a good day...
A few moments later...
G-APPL: Erm, good afternoon Humberside Approach, G-APPL
Humberside: G-PL good afternoon, welcome back.
G-APPL: (you can sense the confusion in his voice) Erm, good afternoon, are you Humberside Approach?
Humberside: Affirm.
G-APPL: G-PL, you're on the same number as radar.
Humberside: That's Affirm, I am Approach and Radar.
G-APPL: Ah, Ok. Roger, G-PL requesting...
Today, Norwich Approach frequency. Controller doing a fab job dealing with two PPLs, one G-CS and the other G-SC.
ATC: G-CS, be advised similar callsign on frequency.
G-CS: Roger, G-CS.
ATC: G-SC, did you copy?
G-SC: Affirm, G-SC.
ATC: And keep a good listen out, there will be a third similar callsign on frequency in a minute.
A few minutes later...
G-BSSC: Norwich, good afternoon, G-BSSC.
ATC: G-BSSC use full callsign, two similar callsigns on frequency. Flight Information Service you have.
G-BSSC: Use full callsign, G-SC
...priceless in itself, but a bit later:
ATC: G-SC freecall enroute.
G-SC: Freecall enroute, thanks for you help, G-CS
Suppose you had to hear it to appreciate it, but it was probably the highlight of our very long sortie in the Norwich area!
Was late aft and we were somewhere over the North Sea. I was PNF and monitoring 121.5 on box 2...
G-ERTI: "Training Fix, Training Fix, Training Fix. London Centre, G-ERTI, requests training fix."
No response.
G-ERTI: "Training Fix, Training Fix, Training Fix. London Centre, G-ERTI, requests training fix."
About 45 secs later, London Centre comes up (they were obviously busy at time of 1st two calls).
ATC: G-ERTI, London Centre.
At this point, a Guard 'Policeman' comes up with the standard put-down for those who misuse the frequency:
Unidentified: You're on Guard.
ATC: I know.
Second Unidentified: Tossers!
ATC: Language PLEASE!
Heard this in Scottish airspace 2 years ago. The aircraft was a Learjet operated by the Finnish biz jet operator "Airfix" aviation.
Airfix 106: Airfix 106, flight level 220 towards GOW.
Scottish: Airfix 106 decend flight level 100, speed 250 knots.
Airfix 106: Descend flight level 100, speed 250 knots, Airfix 106.
Scottish: 'ere, Airfix 106, what scale are you?
Airfix 106: Say again! Airfix 106
Scottish: Disregard!
G-APPL: Er, Shoreham, need to return to the terminal, I've left my map in the briefing room.
Tower: No you haven't.
Long pause... I can only imagine our hero thinking.. How the hell does he know where my map is...?
Tower: It's blowing across the apron...
G-APPL: Roger...
Tower: Stay where you are, the fire crew will bring it out to you!
Tower: Gothic 604, after the British Airways Airbus at Sierra Bravo One departing, line up two seven left.
Linn: After BA Airbus, line up two seven left, Gothic 604.
Tower: KLM 123, after the... uh... after the white one, line up two seven left...
KLM123: (laughter) After the white one, line up two seven left, KLM123!
Tower: Sorry about that, I don't know the type.
KLM123: Yeah, us neither.
Captain Henric: Thanks, guys... (general laughter on freq.)
A minute later
Tower: It's a Beech 350.
KLM123: I thought I recognized it!
A conversation I had a few years ago with Thames Radar... I was receiving a Flight Information Service as I was routing around their zone. Flying G-FA, I had been told to report at the QE2 bridge and I was just monitoring when I heard:
G-ZZFA: Thames Radar, G-ZZFA, (blah blah)
Thames: G-ZZFA, Flight Information Service you have, use full callsign, similar callsign on frequency.
G-ZZFA: Use full callsign, G-FA.
Thames: Negative, G-ZZFA, use FULL callsign.
G-ZZFA: Use full callsign, G-FA.
There was a pause at this point, presumably while the controller found something hard to bash his head against. As I had just reached the QE2 bridge, I called in as requested:
Me: G-BBFA, at the QE2 bridge.
Thames: Thank God one of you is awake. Break break. G-ZZFA immediate 180 turn - you have entered the control zone without a clearance. Acknowledge.
G-ZZFA: Was that for me or the other FA, G-FA?
Some days the controllers in Thames really do earn brownie points for their patience.
At EGKK last night:
SHT8086: Shuttle 8086, radio check.
Ground: Readability 5.
SHT8086: We thought we might have a radio problem - we can't pick up the ATIS?
Ground: The ATIS is unserviceable.
SHT8086: Oh. How were we supposed to know that?
Ground: Well, we would have put it on the ATIS...
On a not very crowded Spanish airport (to be honest, one plane and one controller on the whole airspace). A local carrier plane slowly begins to taxi.
ATC: Airline 8086, ready to copy?
AIR8086: Affirm, go ahead!
ATC: Okay, copy a hundred times: "I will not taxi without being instructed to do so"
AIR8086: Sorry. We forgot you were there!
Many years ago I was being checked out on the Seaford Military position at LATCC. I had under my control a formation of 8 USAF F-4s which I was trying to hand to the French Military (those that have done it will understand both the complexity and uncertainity of this mission) when the French, completely unannounced, presented me with an opposite direction same level formation of 6 USAF F-111s. Having ascertained they would miss, but not by much, I geared myself up to transmit the necessary traffic information when my boss, who was examining me, switched the microphone to his side and transmitted:
ATC: All Americans look left and wave.
Made me laugh so years later, when I was an examiner, I found myself screening a nervous young controller who had 2 Finningly aircraft about to pass close to each other at the same level. Before he could transmit traffic information I nonchalantly switched the mike and transmitted:
ATC: All Finningly aircraft look left and wave!
Theres was a short pause before one of the aircraft replied:
Aircraft: We're India Mike Charlie...
A few weeks ago an Emirates flight came on frequency, an Airbus A330-200 according to the strip...
UAE123: Dubai, UAE123, Airbus 345 (A340-500) passing BUBIN descending 10 thousand, speed 230.
Dubai ARR: UAE123, report your passing altitude and just confirm the aircraft type.
UAE123: Uh, yes, we're actually a 332. (A330-200)
Dubai ARR: Did you count the throttles or is there a placard somewhere?
Was asked by a "local tower" to transmit the following to a departing HS125 2 days ago.......
ATC: G-ERTI, message from the operator - please return ASAP as you have forgotten your passengers.
Norwegian regional airport, very close to the Russian border, early 90s when ATC was run by the CAA, and controllers worked 24hr shifts (!!!!) due to staff shortage. Midnight, controller hoping there will be no traffoc that night so he can sleep last 6 hrs. WIF DHC6 is inbound and is cleared for ILS etc to report established. Some time after that the controller nods off(!)
Perhaps 20 min later he awakes to see a DHC6 parked at the terminal.
Now our 'hero' is innovative, and when the captain on the DHC6 is checking into the hotel later on he is handed a note by the clerk.
"WIF123 you are cleared to land RWY24 and taxi to stand 1"
Funniest thing I heard was at college during the Emergency training. I was on the input side and my friend controlling. Traffic was a British Airways 737 lined up on 26, and another aircraft, a BRT 146 along taxiway S (parallel to the runway taxing opposite direction to get to holding point). He cleared the BAW for take off.
Now, remember, with these emergency excercises, everyone is just waiting for something to happen. However, unfortunately the NATS simulators are prone to the odd gremlins and every now and again, an aircraft instead of taking off down the runway, as you would expect, will roll out at an angle accross the airfield.
Of course, it happened here: the BAW rolled out in a SW direction, straight into the path of the BRT aircraft taxiing out. Panicking as he thought it was part of the exercise...
Trainee: OH MY GOD! Err... British 456... er...
Instructor in the background vindictively: "Do something."
Trainee: (as BAW plows along towards BRT) British 456, er... TRAFFIC INFORMATION...
Now works at a London airport.
WIN123: Hello Heathrow, Windsor 123 descending flight level one hundred to Lambourne, Airbus A319 with information, er... Whiskey.
ATC: Windsor 123 roger, information Mike is current so your paper must be upside down.
WIN123: Sorry about that, I couldn't see where I'd written it down and I was just guessing.
Another one from good old Heathrow...
Departure runway is 09R so aircraft on Compton SIDs (to the west) are being given amended departure clearances for separation from arrivals from the south.
Tower: Speedbird 123, departure instructions.
BAW123: Let me guess, straight ahead to London 2DME, then turn right heading 220 degrees, climb to 6000 feet.
Tower: Correct. You don't happen to know tonight's lottery numbers as well do you?
Recently, at FL430 M.91, while crossing back into Canada from the Glasgow (GGW) VOR in NE Montana, we made a first call to Winnipeg Center.
Winnipeg: G-TI, At Edmonton's request, slow to Mach decimal 89.
We did. Shortly after, we were handed off to Edmonton Center.
Edmonton: G-ERTI, slow to Mach decimal 82.
I was on the other radio as the FO took the call and started to slow. Going out on a limb, I made a polite call back:
G-ERTI: Ahhhh (humbly, and with respect) this is just an idea Ma'am... but given that we were just doing Mach .91, 510 true knots, and pushing only 20 kts of wind, could we please rethink the idea about slowing us almost 300 NM back from destination for a potential VUCAN conflict? I wonder if there something more efficient for everybody involved.
Transmission complete, I quickly realized it was a loaded and somewhat pompous question with the possibility of producing many "interesting" responses.
If we were in conflict with anybody below, even those 50 miles ahead, they were doing around M.78, pushing 70 knots of wind, and not real contenders for VUCAN. However, I also knew that I didn't have the complete traffic picture. Her potential conflict could have been another Calgary arrival from a different direction.
Furthermore, my ad hoc suggestion was made somewhat impulsively and I was a little wary of the inevitable response. I gave a suspicious look. The guy I was flying with had a startled demeanor and mumbled: "Oh man, you're in trouble."
Surely, everybody on the frequency had a different reaction when we heard:
Edmonton: Citation G-TI, after looking at you again, let her run at Mach decimal 91 and we'll see how it works out.
I asked for a slow decent so that we could increase to 530 knots true. While decending, I also needed her permission to level off in order to avoid increasing headwinds. She obliged me the whole way down and as we got closer I saw that she would have her desired separation at the fix.
As fate would have it, the conflicting traffic was from another direction and not part of my initial scenario. Nonetheless, I suavely keyed the microphone:
G-ERTI: Edmonton Center: How's the speed looking?
Edmonton: Citation G-TI: Speed's looking good. Keep it up. Contact Calgary Arrival on 125.9. And let this be a lesson to all of you who think a woman will never compromise."
I thanked her for exemplary customer service, and quickly switched to arrival.
RNHF's Sea Fury checked in with Boscombe to request Radar Information Service whilst carrying out General Handling in the block FL100-180.
I/C went something like...
Sea Fury: Boscombe, Sea Fury.
Boscombe: Roger, identified, what service do you require?
Sea Fury: Would like radar information service...
Boscombe: Can you confirm aircraft type please?
Sea Fury: Er... it's a Sea Fury.
Boscombe: Ah, sorry, not familiar.
Unidentified: Must be too young...
GA plane joining Kemble from the NW last week:
G-APPL: Confirm by your threshold you have gliders?
FISO: Last time I looked they were 747s.
G-APPL: Ah roger... I'll reposition for your overhead again.
Plane making approach to a nearby gliding site!
About two years ago, flying a PA28 IFR down to Exeter, ATC asked if I was in VMC at that altitude.
G-APPL: Affirm, just passing Uppotery airfield.
EXT radar: (quick as a flash) Actually, that would be Dunkeswell.
G-APPL: (laughing) I stand corrected!
EXT radar: I know my world!
A few weeks ago I was on Lambourne bashing the stack down. Holding was in the region of about 15 minutes. A Speedbird driver requested 1.5 minute legs which I approved.
When the time came to chuck him to Heathrow, without thinking I said...
ATC: Speedbird 123, report the length of your legs to Heathrow Director 119.725.
It took him a while to get the readback out whilst I sat there feeling like a numpty!
Some cheeky fella checked in shortly after:
AIR456: Airline 456 descending FL150, 32 inch inside leg.
ATC: Airline 123 descend FL200.
Female voice (with really busy tone): Two houndred, thank you, 123. But we really have to leave now?
ATC: As you prefer.
AIR123: Yes, thank you, in this case we are going to mantain a little bit more.
ATC: Call me back leaving.
AIR123: As soon as I finish my tangerine, thank you.
Few minutes later on next sector:
AIR123: Good afternoon from AIR123.
ATC: 123 good afternoon descend FL130 and if you've finished your tangerine you may proceed to XYZ direct.
AIR123: Affirmative, FL130 direct XYZ... practically seems that all the world has known the fact...
ATC: Eh, it could be expectable.
AIR123: That's ok, copied.
Quite "busy" day at ARN.
SPANAIR 1106: Request taxi.
ATC: Spanair 1106 taxi to holding point 19L and say a number between 1 and 5.
Spanair: Taxi to holding 19L and say again please?
ATC: Say a number between 1 and 5.
Spanair: Ehhh... 3?
ATC: You are number 3 for departure.
To a South Eastern Delta feeder (bible belt):
Delivery: AAA1234 cleared to ATL... squawk 0666.
A/C: AAA1234 cannot accept this squawk.
Delivery: Roger, switch to Ground who will give you your code.
Delivery gets a new code from flight planning and gives the story to Ground with a suggestion for a joke.
Ground: AAA1234 I have your new squawk code.
A/C: Ready to copy.
Ground: It's 1313.
Long pause.
Delivery to Ground: Better give them the real one before they leave the plane.
Ground: Seriously, it's 1234.
A/C: We're happy it's a joke.
On a windy day from the NW.
Late afternoon rush as the sun is setting to the West.
Single runway ops on 32: light GA mixed with commercial.
A DV20 coming back to land.
TWR is trying to squeeze him between arrivals and departures.
1st try: tower gives him his sequence to turn base, he turns too late, comes close to airliner, twr takes him out of there.
2nd try: twr uses headings to point him in the opening, DV20 succeeds at messing the plan and misses another airliner.
There is still a line up of departures and arrivals.
Tower: G-APPL, do you see the sun?
G-APPL: Uh... yes tower.
Tower: Fly towards it and I'll call you back.
Guess what? It worked.
Ground: (reads clearance) ...squawk 0345 QNH 1028"
Pilot: (reads it back)
few minutes later
Pilot: Er, Ground, I'm having a few problems over here, I can't seem to get 1028 set in my box, it's just not accepting it.
God knows what he had his altimeter set to!
UPS123: Good evening London, UPS 123 decending blah blah.
ATC: Good evening UPS 123, right frequency wrong centre. We are Manchester.
UPS123: Oh good evening Manchester.
ATC: My colleague has just suggested I call you Fed Ex...
ATC: Stations inbound to Melbourne, terminal information Quebec now current... ah... doesn't appear to be any changes... standby, will advise...
...
ATC: Stations inbound to Melbourne, terminal information Quebec is the same as Papa.
I was at Paris Orly last week on the GA apron, was just about to request clearance, I looked up pushed the Mike button and at point a 747 taxied passed with its wing almost over our cabin.
At this point, mike open, the only thing that came out my mouth was:
G-APPL: Jesus Christ!
It was pretty close and scared the hell out of me.
ATC: Well it is Christmas...
Heard several years ago whilst flying down the Rhine Valley.
1st Voice: Heidelberg Tower, this is American Army 123 over the village of Wietzendorf at 500 feet, estimating your field at 1520.
2nd Voice: (high pitched) Breaking right, breaking right, traffic is at same location and altitude!
1st Voice: Should be Mac, I'm your co-pilot.
One US Army Lieutenant bought a vast quantity of beer in the Heidelberg O Club that night.
Apparently... supposedly at LHR... way way back in history when some corporate/private movements were possible... on a Sunday afternoon...
North American voice calls up for approach instructions.
Tower: What's your type?
Helio: We’re a Helio.
Tower: (proceeds to give instructions for helicopter approach, speed, height, reporting point etc)
Helio: (confirms)
...
Helio: At reporting point, etc
Tower: No other traffic, landing clearance, etc
Helio: Tower, where do we land?
Tower: The large concrete area with the big white circle with a "H" in the middle.
Helio: Confirm.
...
Helio: Tower, sorry we ran onto the grass by a couple of feet.
Tower: (long silence as helipad is closely examind through the binoculars)
happened today a small Cherokee with student pilot just after touchdown.
ATC: G-APPL, where are you parking?
G-APPL: I don't know, just to tie up. Anywhere.
ATC: G-PL, taxi to anywhere.
On starting again:
G-APPL: Tower, G-APPL is at anywhere, request taxi to active.
Happened to me a number of years ago. I was posted at a quiet procedural station.
G-ERTI: (first contact) Tower... er... report my position.
Tower: Last caller say your callsign.
G-ERTI: "Er... G-ERTI, request my position.
I explained that as a procedural staion I was unable to see him on radar however I'd give the nearby sector a call and see if they could and get back to him.
Tower: G-TI, adjacent sector advises they have you on radar 25nm SE of my field, 5500feet... Do you need some assistance?
G-ERTI: Copied...
DEAD SILENCE
G-ERTI: Tower, report YOUR position!
I had to bite my tongue...
Too busy talking to my passenger, obviously not paying attention to the ATIS...
G-APPL: Gloucester Tower, G-APPL with information err, um, err... whatever it was, runway 27, QNH 1015 (not even close) for taxi.
Tower: G-PL, Gloucester Tower, whatever it was has now changed to Mike, QNH is now 1005 and the runway is still 27, so one out of three correct!
Last Thursday 19 June, about 1600 local.
G-ERTI: (very efficient) Filton Approach, G-ERTI with you at XXXX on XXXX, out of XXXXX for XXXX, waffle waffle... and we have information Victor
Filton Approach: Ah, that's interesting, we don't have an ATIS.
We were on a radar heading from the north after asking for visual appproach into NZWN, waiting to sight a 737 joining a long final from the south and going slow. The 73 is going very slowly as ATC keeps asking me can I see it yet.
Me: Ah... think so, got some lights about 1 o'clock but seems a long way off.
ATC: Yes, that's him. If I'd known he was going to join finals via the sub-Antarctic I'd have made you number 1.
By now this story has become a classic anecdote at Maastricht UAC. Imagine the scene in the Ops Room... Traffic was fairly busy with a lot of chatting on the frequency. Earlier a US-bound Lufthansa had asked for a better direct routing, which had to be co-ordinated with the colleagues at Copenhagen ACC first. Right after the Lufthansa's request the radar controller got too busy for him to ask his planning controller what direct routing had been offered by Copenhagen (as this is not a priority in busy times). Nevertheless the Lufthansa pilot reminded us about his request. Fair enough. The radar controller - still busy - quickly turns to his planner and asks:
What direct routing did Copenhagen give us for the Lufthansa?
At the same time another colleague was standing right behind these two controllers, getting the coffee and tea orders for everyone. It so happened he posed his coffee question at the same time the radar was shouting for the direct routing. Lazy as controllers tend to be, the planner only picked up the drink request and answered:
Mint tea!
The coffee guy wrote it down, but our meanwhile hectic radar controller had also taken this for an answer and asked, slightly confused: "MINTI??". The planner - now looking at his tube again - took it for granted the coffee guy just asked him for confirmation (and obviously did not realise that the radar had been asking him something as well) so he simply replied: "Yes, yes! Mint tea!". The phone rings, the planner picks it up and misses that the radar clears the Lufthansa as follows:
Maastricht: Lufthansa 123, proceed direct to MINTI.
DLH123: Uhrrrr... roger... direct to MINTI, confirm?
Maastricht: Affirm, sir. MINTI.
2 minutes pass, and finally the Lufthansa comes back...
DLH123: Maastricht, I'm sorry but can you spell MINTI for me please? I cannot seem to find it.
Maastricht: Standby.
The radar turns to his planner:
Radar: How do you spell MINTI? Is it mike india november tango india??
Planner: Huh? What?
Radar: Well, you gave me MINTI for that Lufthansa before, right? How do you spell it??
At this point the planner realised what had happened and bursted out in manic laughter: "No! I ordered a MINT TEA!!". The radar immediately caught up with the silly situation and could not stop himself from laughing. He was unable to say anything for at least half a minute or so. Situations like this one just get so much more momentum when they are preceded by tense moments. And that is when I like to job the most!
The usual fairly busy comms at Headcorn.
G-ERTI: G-ERTI, good afternoon, inbound from XXX, request joining information.
Tower: G-ERTI, 11 left, QFE 1030.
All measured and pleasant, vaguely as per the book.
Then, equally pleasant, but a shock to all sensitive ears:
G-ZZZZ: HEADCORN RADIO, G-ZZZZ RADIO CHECK
Tower: G-ZZZZ readability 6
New student with instructor onboard strayed into the TMA.
Tower: S-XX you are penetrating my TMA
Student: Penetrating your TMA, S-XX
Guess the instructor had to sort out the paperwork.
Aircraft on 4nm final approach, just been issued clearance to land.
G-ERTI: Tower, is there going to be a delay for our outbound flight to XXX?
Tower: Affirm, they need 15 minutes between departures.
G-ERTI: Uh, copied... Request push back and start!
Some years ago it was required in General Aviation in Germany to call Info at small airfields and report the name of PIC + persons on board prior to departure. At big airports, the PIC had to fill out a form at the terminal before departure.
One day, this was heard on the ground frequency at DUS:
D-EABC: Düsseldorf Ground, ehh, this is D-EABC, ehh, Cessna 172, emm, Muller + 3 to Mönchengladbach, emm, request taxi.
ATC: D-EABC, taxi runway 24 via Mike, cross runway 31.
D-EABC: D-EABC, ehm, taxi runway 24, emm, via Mike.
DLH123: Düsseldorf Ground, ehh, this is Lufthansa 123, ehmm, Boeing 737, Huber and Schmitz + 125 to Berlin, ehmmm, request start and push...
Years ago as I was practicing my first solo t&g during my PPL at EDSB. They just finished construction works expanding buildings including the tower.
A Ryanair taxied into the normal takeoff position but hadn't reported ready yet. I was asked for an immediate takeoff out of an intersection in front of the Ryanair which I affirmed.
TWR: D-EPPL your traffic pattern is a right hand circuit. When airborne turn immediate to the right there is a departure behind you, wind xxx/xx, runway 03 cleared for immediate takeoff.
Having in mind the "big" Ryanair 737 behind me, 50 feet under my wheels I turned my C150 immediately to the right, just as being told. In front of my windscreen the tower itself was rising as I was heading straight into it.
Tower: D-EPPL, not that much to the right, take care the tower is quite new...
The Ryanair pilots just laughed into their mics...
Transmission was a bit broken:
Unidentified: Rhein... Airforce... One Five... maintaining 370.
ATC: Airforce calling Rhein Radar, this is Munich South. Please go back to previous channel and check the correct one.
Unidentified: Wilco.
2 min later
RYR4715: Hallo again, we now realised that our callsign might be misleading. We are Ryanair Four Seven One Five at flight level 370, but if you like, call us Ryanairforce 15 and we'll feel honored and be happy about any priority handling.
ATC: Roger, Ryanairforce 15 identified, direct XXX.
Ryanairforce 15: Never thought that this would work.
Best one I have heard so far was about 4 weeks ago in the morning. Adelaide approach has an American working for them that always seems to be quite funny. He has to be the most casual and relaxed ATC'r that I have ever heard.
ADLAPP: Singapore 123, cleared ILS 23 approach, contact tower at 5 miles.
Two seconds pass with him still transmitting (can hear him moving around).
ADLAPP: Virgin 456, decend to 3000, track direct to Modbury.
Another 5 seconds pass, he hasn't realised that he's still transmitting
ADLAPP: Singapore 123, did you recieve my last transmission?
Then you hear him go "hang on" and some russling around before a panic'd "oh shi%" and finally the transmission cuts.
SIA123: Cleared ILS approach, tower at 5 miles, Singapore 123.
VIRGIN456: Descent to 3000, track to Modbury and thanks for the entertainment, Virgin 456.
On another occasion flying from FAGG to FACT we were in a 727 at FL280 going into a 40knot headwind. SAA 737 at FL 260 same route and just behind us. Capetown ATC ask us our ground speed:
Me: 450 kts.
ATC: Springbok 123 say your ground speed.
SAA123: (with attitude) 380 kts, so don't worry, we will not catch the 727.
Me: Capetown, would you like me to start my number 3 engine to increase our separation?
SAA was very quiet after that but the ATC thought it was funny.
There must be a thousand variations on the 'phantom aircraft prank' but the one I saw was very nicely done from the comfort of the runway inspection vehicle.
The pranksters sat in the parked vehicle with the engine roaring (for that authentic aircraft sound) while they used the vehicle VHF and watched the confusion in the tower through binoculars.
They gave a couple of position reports and watched as the assistant went across to the teletype looking for the missing flight plan, they asked for clearance to land which they got, then asked for taxi clearance which they got while watching 3 or 4 people in the tower scan the runways looking for the aircraft. They asked if it was "OK to park here?" and watched as people came out of the tower and walked all around the outer balcony searching for the aircraft. They got an answer along the lines of "Park any of the marked positions".
The ATCOs said nothing about the incident to anyone but for months afterwards the callsign of the phantom aircraft could be heard whispered in bars and parties.
One day in EHAM/AMS:
Speedbird is on her way to terminal after landing. Then ATC calls:
Ground: Speedbird 123 hold position at XXX, your gate is still occupied.
BAW123: Roger, holding position.
After a while:
BAW123: Do you have any idea how long it may take?
Ground: They reported to be ready in two minutes.
BAW123: Ok, thanks.
Ground: But you never know - these are pilot's minutes...
In the summer of 1985, a French Air Charter International 727-200 made a visual approach into Eilat airport, Israel.
ATC exchanges (published in Time Magazine) went like this:
Eilat Tower: Air Charter 123, where are you?
Air Charter 123: We're on the apron already!
Eilat TWR: Not on mine!
Before the crew could figure out the problem, armed men surrounded the aircraft. They had actually landed in Aqaba, Jordan, 4nm North-East of Eilat. Time reported that the captain was taken away to answer a few questions, but returned a short while later, accompanied by a friendly airport director, who invited him to come back for tea or coffee sometime!
The 727 then made the short hop to nearby Eilat (which incidentally has the same QFU). Red faces all round methinks…
A Belgian colleague had the habit of ticking with his pen against the mike whilst transmitting. Eventually somebody complained and he realised what he was doing. "How's that?" he asked, laying his pen down. "Much better", came the answer. "Oh good," he said as he resumed ticking.
A KC-135 out of Mildenhall, 1970's, with East Anglia solid with radar returns ...
ATC: You have traffic right 3 o'clock 8 miles similar heading at FL60, further traffic left 10 o'clock FL70 appears to be manouvering, further traffic 12 o'clock FL100 under this unit's control... etc etc
KC-135: Roger, Sir, this aircraft's like a tree full of owls.
RAF VC10 just departed.
ATC: G-ERTI if you can hear me, line up and wait.
G-ERTI: Just about!
G-ERTI: Guernsey approach good afternoon, G-ERTI, passing FL80 cleared level 60.
Guernsey Approach: G-TI fly heading 190 deg, vectors for an ILS or visual approach runway 27 at Guernsey, information Golf is current.
G-ERTI: Heading 190 deg, we'd really like to go to Alderney though if that's ok with you, that's where we booked the hotel.
Guernsey approach: Well you can go there if you really want to but we've heard rumours... turn left then heading 170 degrees.
G-ERTI: Left heading 170. Roger the rumours - that's why we're going. G-TI!
ATC: G-ERTI, say your heading.
G-ERTI: 075.
ATC: Turn right heading 100.
G-ERTI: Thank you, that's almost a direct XXX.
One minute later:
ATC: G-TI, turn right heading 105 to avoid military activity.
G-ERTI: No, I don't agree, the ZZZ zone is not active on Sundays.
Me and my colleague both look at our wrist-watch.
ATC: G-TI, today's Sunday, direct XXX.
Two minutes later:
Me to my colleague: "Do I tell him he should turn right 5 degrees to fly direct XXX?"
During my on the job training:
Me: (fresh from the simulator) G-ERTI, do you have the A330 now taxiing... right in front of you in sight?
G-ERTI: Are you joking? Is there any way we wouldn't?
Me: Well... taxi behind. (bright red face)
(overheard on the frequency)
ATC: Airline 123 (an A330) hold short of the runway, light aircraft on final.
A330: You expect a heavy to wait for the PPL?
PPL: A pilot is not born in the A330, sir.
A friend of mine, while on on-the-job training, talking to a Swedish airline, coming direct from Sweden. (Location indicator starts with ES.. can't remember the exact airport)
Our language is Greek, but we use English in our RT.
ATC: Vacate the runway to the right, contact Ground xxx.x, Buenas Dias.
Pilot: long pause Erhm... To the right... buenas dias.
My friend was so proud, it took me a couple of minutes to stop laughing and explain to him that the location indicator ES was not for Espana = Spain.
An A/C dealer in Tampa was giving demo flights on a Global Express, usually north out of Tampa, up over to JAX to Columbia, SC, West to Tallahassee, back to Tampa.
On one of his flights, I had a flight of 4 F-15's head-on with him, 2,000' below. I loved letting the military show off, so I asked the Express if he had a camera in cockpit... he did. I told him I'd give him a look at something cool, which side did he want it on... he said port.
So I called traffic to Eagles at 12 o'clock & 60 miles... he called a lock. I told him the guy wanted them to smile down his port side for photo... he said "we'll give him a show".
I kept the Express advised of the traffic, then when they had passed he said "Damn, I didn't know they could even do that", I asked what it was, he said better I didn't know, but to thank the Eagles for him, which I did.
About a week later, another demo flight, but it went badly. Lost radios just North of JAX, much confusion resulted between sectors and military controllers in a Warning Area, ended up with 2 F-16's at about a mile & zero feet vertical from the Express.
When the Express got near Tallahassee, he came up on my freq, said he'd had a bus failure, comm was not reliable, asked for lower & next freq if he lost me.
I then told him he had missed another picture opportunity & how it happened.
He said "Well, these airshows are one hell of a lot of fun, but if it's ok with you we'll just be spectators from now on."
D&D: Approach, we've got an emergency squawk showing 0.5miles north of you. Says he's lost. Any ideas?
App: Nope, not one of mine. What's the a/c reg?
D&D: A-BC.
App: Ah, he should be with me. It's a student pilot.
D&D: What freq? I'll send him back to you.
App: A-BC this is approach.
A-BC: Approach, A-BC... I think I'm lost.
(Tower controller in background: "Tell him to look f%$%ing down!")
App: A-BC, got you visual overhead the airfield.
A-BC: Oh yeah, there you are!
On a trip in a PA28 with a student to Cambridge. One aircraft, a Robin DR400, joining ahead of us, via the overhead,
Tower: G-APPL report overhead.
DR400: Roger
Literally 3-4 minutes of silence on the frequency.
DR400: G-PL late downwind.
Tower: G-PL, roger, report final.
Tower: ...G-PL?
Aircraft on short final, TWR give a little hint.
Tower: G-PL, runway 05, cleared to land, the wind 090/10.
DR400: Thank you for the information.
My student to me: "I'm really not that bad on the Radio am I?"
I'm a helicopter pilot (never flown a stuck-wing) and some years back, I was doing some fun flying out of Cape Town Int. while on holiday in South Africa. For those who aren't familiar with FACT, the runway is N-S, with the GA hangers etc. on the west side. I'd been sightseeing out to the east with a heli-load of family, and wished to return to base. The following conversation ensued:
Me: Cape Town tower, helicopter XXX overhead Bottlery, request active crossing to return to base hanger.
Tower: Helicopter XXX, after the Nationwide 747-200 departs, crossing approved, call clear.
Me: Uhh... Tower, I can see a number of aircraft around the active threshold, which one is the 747-200?
pause
Tower: Helicopter XXX, after the departing big red jet, crossing approved, call clear.
Me: cross behind the big red jet, call clear, helicopter XXX, thanks!
Let it not be said that helicopter pilots are incapable of following simple instructions!
BAW123: Hello Delivery, Speedbird 123 at LAM, FL100.
ATC: I'm not Delivery, I'm Director.
BAW123: Oh sorry.
ATC: Nevermind. Cleared to start and continue in the LAM hold.
American pilot: Woah. (pause) Woah woah woah woah!!!! (yelling) Did you see that?
Some London ATC: Affirm.
Pilot: He was way too close!
ATC: Would you like to upgrade to a traffic service?
Pilot: How about a 'I don't wanna hit anyone else' kinda service?
ATC: We have a deconfliction service but there are too many contacts in your area to deconflict you from them.
Pilot: Can you just give me the best service you have?
ATC: I can only give you a limited traffic service due to controller workload and multiple contacts observed in your area. Unfortunately that means late or no warning of traffic.
Pilot: All right. But this is reallll scaaary noww!
Whoever generates the callsigns at Specsavers has a sense of humour.
Had 'SPECSAVERS241' on frequency the other week which neither the pilot or myself managed to say without a small giggle.
Good job he didn't divert into Luton by mistake!
I don't know how many of you out there have endured the same problem. A few years ago I shared a B707 cargo cockpit with a highly experienced captain whose habitual fruity language was definitely not transmissible. My job, then, was to quickly and accurately translate his sentiments into something which was prior to pressing the PTT button...
e.g.
ATC: XYZ 123 reduce speed 180.
Me: Speed 180 kts XYZ 123.
A little later......
ATC: XYZ 123 reduce speed 160 kts.
Captain: (via intercom) Tell that c%%t if we go any slower we'll fall out the f%%%ing sky.
Me: (after short pause) Um, unable reduce further, XYZ 123.
And...
ATC: XYZ 123 turn left heading 270 degrees.
Captain: (via intercom)" Tell that f%%%ing w%%ker he's just turning us straight into a bloody great CB.
Me: (after short pause) Er, request maintain present heading to avoid buildup, XYZ 123.
ATC: XYZ 123, climb FL 370, be level in 5 minutes.
Captain: (via intercom) Tell that pillock I'm not flying a f%%%ing Learjet.
Me: Erm, unable, request maintain FL330, XYZ 123.
They never trained me for that in Flight School.
Coming into ABZ, goes from CAVOK to 200m in the space of 2 mins as usual, not on the TAF.
The youngish sounding Radar controller reads the METAR out and tells us to take up the hold and asks us what our intentions are.
I ask if they they think it's a temp drop or that's it for the day.
ATC: We cannot give unoffical weather forecasts and my instructor is scowling at me wagging his finger. But there is an auld sandal-wearing controller sitting in the radar room with his thumb down if that helps.
G-ERTI: Request divert Edinburgh direct through Class G.
Was just going to tower when all the jets started turning up who had hung about waiting for the met office to update the TAF to extreme shite for the rest of the afternoon.
Didn't seem to limit the lad's career though as I heard him many times since.
At JFK, aircraft XXX was approaching the end of a long queue at the holding point;
XXX: Ground, do you have any further instructions for us?
There was a short pause.
Ground: Yes, maintain radio silence until we call you back.
I swear that I could literally see all the aircraft on Ground frequency bouncing up and down from the laughter at the front ends...
While working as a coordinating controller with not too much to do an American pilot calls in:
N1234: Hello Maastricht, this is N1234 calling in (stumbling/crackling noise)
ATC: Hello N1234, could you confirm your flight level?
No reply
ATC: Hello N1234, could you confirm your flight level?
No reply
ATC: Hello N1234, radio check, and could you confirm your flight level?
(stumbling noise)
N1234: Hello again Maastricht, N1234 read you 5 out of 5 and finally found my microphone again, it's hard to reach out under the chair. Maintaining level 370 inbound SPI by the way.
Arriving in Frankfurt in a Shorts 360:
Approach: ...good morning, my papers say your callsign is 'Irish Concorde' today!
Pilot: Oh, and my approach chart says yours is Egelsbach Radar!
(Egelsbach is a VFR airfield just south of FRA)
Britannia 737: Gatwick, we have just descended through a layer of icing.
ATC: Roger, be advised that preceding aircraft reported a thick layer of marzipan below that.
ATC: The aircraft before him reported turbulence due to lots of currents, but not to worry as it was a piece of cake!
Solo in an EC120 with declared PAN, intending autorotation approach, 2 miles to run, 120kts, 1400ft.
ATC: EC120 You are No1, cleared to land, any surface. Wind 260 at 12. One in the circuit.
Me: No1, cleared to land. Will use Area 1 passing to the right of the crash truck. Visual R22 downwind in the circuit. Commencing autorotation in 30 seconds.
R22: G-TWIT downwind, I can turn inside the EC120 for 26H.
ATC: (very calmly) G-TWIT that's very interesting, thanks for letting me know. You are still No2 to the 120 with declared PAN.
In the US if you work for the US Goverment as full time government employee, you are paid on a pay scale designated as GS levels, with a GS-1* as the lowest and a GS 15 the highest.
One day on a flight we were handed off to a new ATC center. As my co-pilot was flying that leg I was handling the radio and the following conversation occured.
DOJ113: Justice 113 is with you FL350.
ATC: Roger, Justice 113, say level.
DOJ113: (not missing a beat) GS-14.
This CFI and his student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off.
Student: What should I do? What should I do?
Instructor: What do you think you should do?
Student: Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away.
Instructor: That's a good idea.
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for take-off, runway 12.
Student: What should I do? What should I do?
Instructor: What do you think you should do?
Student: Maybe I should tell the tower.
Instructor: That's a good idea.
Student (transmitting): Cessna 123, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger 123, hold your position. Break break. Deer on runway 12 cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna 123 cleared for departure, runway 12. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.