Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized.
Q: What is the Australian word for a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: NONE! That's a hardware problem.
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.
Q: What is the difference between greeting a Queen and greeting the President of the United States?
A: You only have to get on one knee to greet the queen.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: I Kant answer that. Ha, ha.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: I am not perspicacious about the peregrinations of poultry.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.
Q: Is there anything better than caramel covered sardines?
A: FREE caramel covered sardines.
Q: Am I the coolest person in the world?
A: Nope. That person lives in Antarctica.
Q: Can you die by taco?
A: Not immediately. It is kind of a slow, drawn out death over years.
Q: How can a person die hard?
A: From assault and battery.
Q: What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
A: A half of a half is a quarter, so you would still be alive!
Q: Does evolution being a theory make it subjective?
A: There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Q: Who said, "Have you seen this before"?
A: Boy asks his Granny, "Have you seen my pills labelled 'LSD'?" Granny said, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?"
Q: Are you a good person?
A: I know I'm a good person because I stay miserable to make my ex's happy.
Q: What's cooler than being cool?
A: Lots of things, in terms of temperature, but if you mean the elusive quality of dopeness, why, nothing.
Q: Are you a good person?
A: I know I'm only an okay person because I always hope someone notices me doing good deeds.
Q: Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?
A: Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
Q: How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Q: Why are gay men so well dressed?
A: They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Q: Why did 10 die?
A: He was in the middle of 9/11.
Q: What do sprinters eat before a race?
A: Nothing, they fast.
Q: Does deep frying a turkey really "lock in juiciness"?
A: Human consciousness is a biochemically induced hallucination.
Q: How did the hipster burn his mouth?
A: He ate a cookie BEFORE they were cool!
Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
A: A cloud!
Q: Why are most silicon valley people so awful?
A: Because technology was originally given to us by the devil.
Q: How does Batman’s mum tell him dinner’s ready?
A: His mum’s dead, you monster.