This was by request. I swear.

jquery.getwood.js

/* Yeah... So... I don't want to know what you do with this. */

;(function ( $, window, document, undefined ) {
    // Create the defaults once
    var pluginName = "getWood",
        defaults = {
            length: 20
        };

    // The actual plugin constructor
    function Plugin( element, options ) {
        this.element = element;

        this.options = $.extend( {}, defaults, options );

        this._defaults = defaults;
        this._name = pluginName;

        this.init();
    }

    Plugin.prototype = {

        init: function() {
          $(this.element).append('<pre>'+this.getWood(this.element, this.options)+'</pre>');
          
        },

        getWood: function(el, options) {
          var lines = this.repeat(this.options.length, '_');
          var spaces = this.repeat(this.options.length, ' ');
          
          var penis = 
              '          _______'+lines+',--.__\n'+
              '   ,--""         '+spaces+'\'\\     \'\\\n'+
              '  /  "         '+spaces+'    \\      \'\\\n'+
              ',/               '+spaces+'   \'\\     |\n'+
              '| "   "   "      '+spaces+'     \'\\,  /\n'+
              '|           " , ='+lines+'______,--"\n'+
              '|  "    "    /"/\'\n'+
              '\\  "      ",/ /\n'+
              ' \\   ",",_/,-\'\n'+
              '  \'-;.__:-\'';
              
            return penis;
        },
              
        repeat: function(num, character) {
             return new Array( num + 1 ).join( character );
        }
    };

    $.fn[pluginName] = function ( options ) {
        return this.each(function () {
            if (!$.data(this, "plugin_" + pluginName)) {
                $.data(this, "plugin_" + pluginName, new Plugin( this, options ));
            }
        });
    };

})( jQuery, window, document );