The Book of Madness: HP Edition

gistfile1.txt

I'm convinced that Remus and Sirius banded together and used their heightened senses to sniff out all of the bad flavored berti bott's every flavor beans and put them all in to one carton to give to James


"PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS"

So my question here is
Who is the firstie that ruined it for the rest? Was it a pureblood who overestimated his or her flying ability? Or was it dozens of repeated accidents? 

But what was the instance, what was the straw that broke our proverbial camel's back, making it so that this notice was screamed at the top of every first year's Hogwarts letter?

Is this a newish rule? Is this why parents need such a strong reminder, because 30 years ago, when they were 11, they got to bring their broomsticks to school?

WAS IT A CERTAIN JAMES POTTER?


Some muggleborn: I want to be an astronaut when I grow up

Wizard kid: Wtf is an astronaut

MB: Like the people that go to the moon

WK: HAHAHAHA you can't GO to the MOON. It's not a PLACE

MB: ..........d o. y ou.. h ave sc ience.... at this sc hool..


Teacher: And this is your new student, professor. Newton Artemis Fido Scamander

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore: I think I'm gonna like this kid
I bet all of the hogwarts teachers get insane amounts of "totally hypothetical" questions. 
"Hey Slughorn what the fuck is a horcrux? Just for laughs"
-Voldemort


AU where Dumbledore is replaced by Ron Swanson. 
"Son, did you or did you not put your name in this stupid fire cup"


Draco Malfoy attended Fred weasleys funeral. Stood in the very back, careful not to be seen. After he thought everyone left he lingered a bit. He'd never let on that secretly he found the twins quite funny, and he was truly sorry to be a part of the reason Fred Weasley had died. He felt that way in regards to everyone that had been hurt and lost in the war, but he could barely bring himself to go to Fred's funeral, let alone anyone else's. Draco woukd never tell another soul he was there, and George would never tell another soul that he saw draco cry, as he sobbed apologies to a headstone.


sirius black getting shitface trashed one night and eating everything a dog is not supposed to eat and he wakes up the next day like "WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO" and he's on edge for the next few days crying and thinking he's gonna die and james has to remind him that he's not really a dog but then remus is quiet for a second before saying that he did eat it as a dog and they're all stumped for words until peter asks mcgonagall a "totally hypothetical" question about eating things whilst in the form of an animagus


modern alternate universe where instead of the dark mark, voldemort just mass texts the skull emoji to summon the death eaters


Fleur: I have to breathe under water for an hour? Better get myself a bubble of air!

Cedric: Yeah bubble charm seems like the best chance

Harry: I didn't think of that but I do have this handy plant

Everyone looks at viktor

Viktor: I'M GONNA BE A FUCKING SHARK


okay but can we take a moment to realize Lucius Malfoy is literally the equivalent of a school board mom? PTA dad Lucius Malfoy. Flipping tables at a Hogwarts bake sale because everyone liked Mrs. Weasley's brownies better. "FIGHT ME MOLLY"


TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE = I AM LORD VOLDEMORT

HARRY JAMES POTTER = PYJAMAS THE TERROR


THE ONLY THING I WANT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD IS FOR NEWT SCAMANDER TO VISIT HOGWARTS ON A BOOK SIGNING AND FOR HIM TO MEET 11YO HAGRID SMILING AT THE SIGHT OF HIS HERO. I WANT THEM TO TALK AND FOR NEWT TO TELL HIM HE HAS A REAL KNACK FOR ANIMALS AND SHOULD KEEP IT UP WHILE PATTING HIS MASSIVE SHOULDER APPROVINGLY. 

AND THEN

RIGHT BEFORE HE GOES

I WANT HIM TO SLIP A LITTLE EGG IN TO HAGRID'S POCKET THAT WILL ONE DAY GROW IN TO THE GIANT, MAJESTIC SPIDER WE LATER KNOW AS ARAGOG, WHICH NEWT KNOWS HAGRID WILL SEE THE BEAUTY IN AND TAKE CARE OF, BECAUSE NEWT (LIKE HAGRID) HAS TERRIBLE JUDGMENT WHEN IT COMES TO ANIMALS


H: Where did my wife go
H: No wait I can find her
H: EYES AS GREEN AS A FRESH PICKLED TOAD
Ginny: HARRY JAMES POTTER I WILL MURDER YOU
H: found her


Harry in every single book: you knew this entire time and you never told me? 
Dumbledore: lol ya


Whatever you do, don't imagine Harry as a big brother.

Don't imagine him letting his little sister ride on the back of his broomstick 
Don't imagine him sketching out maps for his little brother for his first year
Don't imagine Potter vs. Weasley quidditch matches during the summer
Don't imagine him standing up and cheering when one of them gets sorted in to a different house, he doesn't even care if its Slytherin, he's just so proud and they look so small on that stool with the sorting hat slipping down over their eyes
DON'T IMAGINE HARRY POTTER AS A BIG BROTHER EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW IF LILY AND JAMES HAD SIRVIVED THEY WOULD HAVE HAD SO MANY BABIES 
Yeah. Just don't imagine that


"Dumbledore are the dursleys informed about the tragedy that has occurred" 
"Its okay I wrote a letter" 
petunia dursley goes to take her milk bottles out in the morning, picks up baby Harry and unfolds the letter, tucked in his blanket
"Knock knock. Who's there? Not your sister she's dead"


"Harry potter walks in to a bar. Because I put them on his bedroom window"- Vernon dursley, probably
"PETUNIA, GIRL HOW YOU LIVIN. HEARD YOU WERE KICKING HARRY OUT OF THE HOUSE. REMEMBER THAT 50 PAGE FANFIC YOU SENT ME ABOUT YOU BEING A RAVENCLAW? YOU WANT YOUR HUSBAND TO FIND OUT ABOUT THAT?" -Dumbledore, probably
"So what if I don't have a wand I'll just punch you in your bloody nose - OH WAIT"-James potter's last words, probably


Mcgonagall: Mr. Potter can you answer my question
Sirius: whispers seven. 
James: SEVEN! 
Mcgonagall: My question was "what was the name of the vanishing spell we'll be learning this year?" 
hysterical laughing from sirius


Minerva Mcgonagall purses her lips and shakes her head. The course work is laden with shield charms and genes and poisons, so unlike the Hogwarts she attended decades ago. 

"We are training children to be soldiers," she thinks, but carries on anyway

A young James Potter sits in front of her, telling her he's turned down Puddlemere United, and will turn down the next three offers he is sure to receive.

"Mr. Potter, we have worked on your chaser prospects since your Fourth Year-"
"It's okay Professor, there are more noble things to pursue than the world cup."
And with a heavy heart, she marks "No prospects" on his career trajectory report. This is not how James Potter should be remembered. 

Lily Evans asks for combat training, and methods to apply Transfiguration to more practical offensive and defensive techniques. 
"Yes of course Miss Evans, but we are here to discuss your career and your future-" 
"It's okay Professor, you don't have to lie to me. No one will hire a mudblood anymore, and I don't want to waste your time. I really do need those techniques, if you don't mind."
Minerva Mcgonagall purses her lips and wipes tears from her eyes.
"We are training children to be soldiers" she thinks, and she is right

The transition from stone corridors to burning muggle villages is too easy. Each trap James and Sirius set for Filch was child's play, merely practice for the traps they were now setting for death eaters and, at times, for Voldemort himself. Remus and Peter were already accustomed to be the lookout, only the stakes were now higher than detention. 

Lily Evans' screams pierce the air, and she keeps pressure to the spot on James Potters side as it grows darker with red by the second. Sirius Black rushes to their side, lifting James up on his shoulders and running out of the thick of the battle with what she can only hope isn't James' corpse.  The next curses Lily sends out are bright green, and her targets never woke up. 

Minerva Mcgonagall catches her breath behind a fallen wall, and wipes her brow before rushing towards the nearest death eater

"We have trained our children to be soldiers," she knows, and she doesn't think she can bare the truth much longer. 

Remus Lupin accepts the rags he's forced to wear underground. Peter no longer stargazes, as he fears he will be the first to spot the Dark Mark in the sky. Sirius is bored without James, he is safely hidden somewhere with Lily, and they haven't been seen for months. 

"We have trained children to die," Thinks Minerva Mcgonagall, and she prays that she is wrong. 

It is November 1st, 1981 and Minerva Mcgonagall stares straight ahead, watching. Waiting. Everyone appears to be celebrating, and no one seems to acknowledge that children have died. 

Minerva sees the baby for the first time, and he is alive. Scarred, but alive, despite the odds. No one seems to realize that children - with their whole lives ahead of them; have died. 
Children she taught and trained and fought beside have died, and she feels complicit in their slaughter. 

Minerva Mcgonagall remembers the children who've died. She remembers the students whose faces she did not see return from Summer break, who simply stop showing up to class, and the students who fall to the dark arts along the way. 

Minerva Mcgonagall remembers the students who do survive, and graduate, and forego the lives they rightfully deserve, in order to prevent other children from dying.

The children that were too young at eleven to be exposed to fear and too fucking young at twenty one to be left for death, and these are the children that Minerva Mcgonagall played a part in raising. 

Minerva Mcgonagall attends their funeral, and her only comfort is that there are only two coffins, not three. Peter Pettigrew is dead, and there is no body to bury. Sirius Black is in Azkaban, and she believes he deserves to be dead. Remus Lupin is alive, but you wouldn't be able to tell from the look in his eye. 

"We have trained our children to be soldiers," she knows. "We have trained our children to die," she thinks. And she is right.


If baffles me that they just didn't give the first years maps. Like have fun navigating this ancient ass castle full of shit that could literally kill you


YER A WIZARD HARRY
I'M A WHAT
YOU'RE A WIZARD!
I'M A WHAT
A WIZARD
OYM A WOTT
A WOTT
HARRY
OYYMAWOTT
UGH FUCK OFF HARRY
--*I'M A WHAAAAAT*


Sirius: I completely stand by what I said while drunk 

Remus: you were screaming about how we don't deserve ducklings.

Sirius: Listen. We live in a cruel, disgusting world that is dark and angry. Have you seen a duckling, Moony? They're soft, fluffy and pure. 

Remus: ...are you crying?

Sirius: They are entirely too pure for this world. We must protect them.


I'M READING DEATHLY HALLOWS AGAIN AND I NOTICED SOMETHING. I MADE A FUCKING DISCOVERY. GET READY.
ARE YOU READY? 
DUMBLEDORE SAID THAT VOLDY'S SOUL LATCHED ON TO HARRY BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY LIVING THING LEFT IN THE HOUSE. 
But. 
BUT.
BUT.

IN LILY'S LETTER SHE SAID THEY HAD A CAT. SO WHAT IF THE CAT GOT HIT WITH ANOTHER, SMALLER FRAGMENT OF THE SOUL, MAKING THE CAT ANOTHER HORCRUX. 
WHICH MEANS VOLDEMORT ISN'T REALLY DEAD. 

WAIT I'M NOT DONE. 

We all know the potters had a cat. 
Here's what we know about the potters' cat:
-James and Lily took it with them when they went in to hiding. 
-Harry scared it when he was young with the broom Sirius had given him. 
There is no further mention of the potters' cat.

On the other hand, don't we know another really old, beaten down, sad, ugly cat? 
A cat that befriended Sirius Black, and seemed to know Peter Pettigrew, hold a grudge against him even? 
Part kneazle, with remarkable ability for finding things that are shiny, and that it has a connection to. Like, say, a family member.

A cat that knows its way around Hogwarts, around the whomping willow, almost as if it had been there before with another owner. 

A cat that absolutely refused to let Hermione leave that shop after seeing a certain rat, was almost crazed. 
We have no mention of the cat/kneazle's age, only that it had been there a very long time and nobody wanted it. 
Magical creatures live a long time. Cats live a long time. It's entirely within reason that this magic-muggle animal hybrid could be 30 or even 40 years old. 

Crookshanks was the potters' cat, and it may just have the last minute trace of voldemort's soul without anyone ever knowing


Imagine Harry going back to godric's hollow one time, and there on the floor, previously unnoticed, is the baby book James and Lily had started for him.

Inside are their handprints, and little baby Harry's handprint, and little photos with Lily's perfect handwriting. Harry learns from this baby book that his first word was "pong" as he tried to copy Sirius and say "prongs"...

But then the book ends abruptly, just like their life together.


Also when teddy Lupin was an infant his hair turned to the color of whoever he wanted to hold him. When it was red, there was a game of "pass the baby please stop the crying". And sometimes his hair would turn pink and there was nothing anyone could do about it


Draco: Pottah! 
Harry: Hey draco remember that time a bird punched you and you sued the bird and the bird won


All those that died in the battle of Hogwarts probably went on the chocolate frog cards. 

All I can imagine is teddy opening one on the train first year and seeing his parents smiling up at him so they were there to see him off

Sirius, laying on the common room floor: I have to get my Transfiguration homework but it's sooooooooo much work
Remus without looking up from his book then don't 
Sirius: screw you Moony, you know what jumps to his feet and marches up the stairs to get it
James groans and hands Remus a galleon 
Remus, still reading: and that, gentlemen is how you train a dog

After Neville became a professor he gives Molly the names of each student who don't receive presents on holidays and she knits them all sweaters, so that after Christmas break there are numbers of kids running around in oversized sweaters with tins of fudge. And the kids whose names start with F can never figure out why theirs show up with what seem to be tear stains on their sweaters.

When Molly gets too old to make them anymore, Neville starts the Fred Weasley Foundation, dedicated to making sure this tradition is carried on for years, and the foundation is committed to making sure no child ever goes without during the holidays or feels unwanted. 

Neville of course approaches George with the idea and after all these years later it brings tears to his eyes that his brother would be memorialized this way, and they share titles as the co-founders, with Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione all helping to make this a reality. Once they get everything set up and running, they bring Molly in, without previously telling her what they were up to. She hasn't the foggies idea what's going on until she walks through the doors and sees volunteers baking and knitting. She's overwhelmed with absolute joy and pulls them all in to surprisingly firm hugs for her age after bursting in to the happiest tears she's ever cried. 

James and Lily were only four years older than their son when they walked him to his death