The Book of Madness

gistfile1.txt

AU where Dumbledore is replaced by Ron Swanson. 
"Son, did you or did you not put your name in this stupid fire cup"

Hope is a thing with feathers. So is the thing decaying in the drywall. I haven't slept in two days

AYE
WHY THE FUCK IS THERE ICE CREAM IN ZOOTOPIA
WHO THE FUCK WAS BEING MILKED

Have I ever told you that the reason the guy that threatened to stab me for his coffee is because I said "well you can't spell stupid without u" and then he screamed back "YEAH WELL THERE'S AN I IN STUPID TOO" and I just stared at him for a rlly long time and then he realized and that's when he started threatening to stab me/make me a prostitute

Remember that time I told some shitty French people their hair looked like it was grown in a field in Norway

I'm hanging out with a one legged seagull on the top deck and we're sharing some French fries. I named him fucked up frank
And his girlfriend two-foot tina. I don't trust her tho she's a shady individual

 I dont think fucked up frank wants to be any more fucked up than he is already
 
 Did I ever tell you about this one girl I was best friends with in my group home and I made her a cake because she was coming home from the psychological facility she had been admitted to, and I put my all in to this cake like 110%, five layers (each one a different color of the rainbow), arctic blue icing, pink glaze on top, that looked like it was dripping from an ice cream cone (ice cream cone was just cake shavings and icing rolled in a ball and a cone), and I wrapped it up, and put a sign on it in big letters that said "DO NOT TOUCH" And it took the other girls (a house full of stoners) the time it took me to shower to have that cake gone. So the next morning they all wondered why their hair was falling out and no one ever found the bottle of hair removal cream in my closet
 
 Went across the street to thriftys to get a samosa because they're like a dollar and some fucking ray of sunshine looks at the bobby pins in my ears 
"Are you seriously so broke you can't afford real earrings? Do you want me to buy you a pair"
"Hang on a sec" looks at phone
"......"
"Strange. I checked through my files
I searched through my text messages
I even searched my wardrobe.
I can't seem to find where I asked for your opinion"


Okay but how many cupcakes can Pedro buy with one human soul? That's what I want to know? 

One human soul is worth exactly $660,326.82, according to "Devil Went Down to Georgia" where the devil traded a fiddle of pure gold as an equal bet against one soul. 

Assuming a regular fiddle is roughly 450g, and is primarily made out of spruce or maple. The density of spruce is approximately 0.43g/cm3, and the density of maple roughly 0.6g/cm3. We'll make an estimation and average these to 0.515g/cm3 so if a fiddle weighs 450g, with density of 0.515g/cm3. So if the fiddle has these dimensions, that means the volume of the wood fiddle is 873.8cm3. 

Our hypothetical golden prize has literal gold instead of wood, so 873.8cm3 of gold weigh roughly 16.9kg - almost 40lbs. or 543 troy ounces

Since the selling price of gold today is $1,215.40/oz that gives us our value, but we need our value in cupcakes. Cupcakes usually range between $2.50-$4.00 at a bake shop so we'll do another average and say $3.25, some simple division and we have our answer

Pedro can purchase 203,177 cupcakes with $1.56 leftover for the price of one human soul okay going to sleep g'night

Wait what in the fuck I don't remember writing this I'm going back to sleep

the charcoal toothpaste tabs that I bought to whiten my teeth are making my teeth so white they can't dance

It has taken me 22 years, 30 days and 7.15 hours to realize that they say "be there or be square" because you won't be a-round

Your belly button is just your old mouth

Success is just 10% inspiration, 30% perspiration, 24% bile, 29.5% plasma, 5% natural flavoring and 1.5% lack of sleep

I thought you were suggesting a baby clam in the cake and I was gonna be like please fuck directly off to the left

this is a celebration cake not a fucking Russian roulette
 
Listen here you chicken fried fuck

Whenever I'm sad in going to think about how the Welsh word for microwave is popty ping

I JUST HAD A DREAM WHERE I WAS IN A COMPLETELY DARK ROOM ILLUMINATED ONLY BY A FISH TANK BUT THE ONLY FISH WAS OUT OF THE FISH TANK JUST HOVERING ABOUT THE ROOM LIKE A FOOT OFF THE GROUND AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I KNEW BUT HIS NAME WAS SPANKY THE HOVERING VACUUM PARROT FISH AND HE LOOKED AT ME AND SMILED WITH HUMAN TEETH AND SAID "YOU'VE BEEN HERE FOR A WHILE BETTER WAKE UP BEFORE YOU FORGET HOW" AND I WOKE UP IN COLD SWEATS

When i was little there was a grasshopper on our car windshield but I didn't know what they were called so I just said "look at that handsome man"
And one time i saw a salamander (which I was terrified of I guess) and had nightmares about it and woke my parents up at 3am saying "the salad man is coming"

I woke up this morning and I just laid in bed with my eyes closed for a while and thought "No one visits my grave anymore" and then my eyes snapped open and I was like "I don't have a grave what th fuck??"

youNG MAN
there r leaves all aROUND
I said yOUNG MAN
eat a leaf off the gROund
LLALALALALA IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE YYYYYYYYYMCA

It's quick, it's easy, and it's free: pouring river water in your socks
U ever wanna take a nap but the nap doesn't wanna take u

Can we have an alternate universe where more things have names like "I can't believe it's not butter!"

"Shut the fuck up, are you telling me this shit isn't ketchup?"

"I firmly believe this is not mustard and I am horribly wrong"

"I refused to believe this condiment was barbecue sauce and have been summarily flayed for my apothstasy" 

"I have assigned negligible probability to this being chili sauce and have since updated" 

"In which your humble narrator assumed the substance in this container was not Worcestershire sauce, only to be rudely awakened by mysterious circumstance" 

"So I figured this was jam but boy howdy was I jumping to some erroneous goddamn conclusions" 

"This is not soup"

"Breadn't"

IT'S CUP-A-SOUP WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO EAT IT OUT OF A BOWL??? THE LIPTON GODS WILL SMACK ME DOWN

What if humans lost their skin in the winter and the trees got all pissed when they had to go out and rake it all off their lawn

BREADSTICKS ARE DOMESTICATED ROCKS

Squidward tentacles is such a weird name like what if a person was named humanward arms

There's a guy on the radio station saying gas prices aren't that bad if you consider were basically buying liquid dinosaurs and hold the whole entire fuck up I have a lesson to teach

My phone isn't letting me enlighten people with my sleep deprived caffeine induced enlightenment extravaganza

What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them?
NNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW

How come a house is always haunted with the ghost from the 1700s? I want a ghost from 2007 in my house screaming "IT'S BRITNEY BITCH" at 3am

"I wish we could take Harry trick or treating" murmured James

"You know we can't," sighed Lily. "It's too dangerous" 

And merely hours later, as she stood unyielding in front of the dark Lord, Lily wished they had taken Harry trick or treating.

What if the weasleys were descendants of van Gogh? They do share several key characteristics. 
Red hair, pale skin, missing ears, early deaths

If you think about it, when an earthquake happens, buried coffins become huge underground maracas

Begone you foul eyed demon cotton eyed Joe
The grasp on this plane faded long ago, 
From whence you came there shall you go 
I seal thee away cotton eyed joe

Listen the whole entire fuck up
Is macaroni and cheese called "mac" because it's short for macaroni or is it because it's an acronym for macaroni and cheese

Make like a tree and shelter a bunch of birds

I met a homeless man on my way home and we were chatting and he was like what's your name so I told him my name and then he stopped and looked like he was thinking really hard and was like who are you related to and I was like oh I don't really have family around here, and then he thought really hard, and he was like "someone's looking for you" and I'm not sure if he meant it ominously or not but I looked away for a second and then he was gone

A bunch of owls is called a parliament. A bunch of otters is a romp. A bunch of starlings is a murmuration. A bunch of spiders are in my closet 🙂 this is fine

THEY'RE NOT POISONOUS DO YOU HAVE A BETTER SUGGESTION? I'M FUCKING LISTENING
LET'S HEAR IT
GOING ONCE
GOING TWICE
GOING THREE
MOTHER
FUCKING
TIMES
SOLD
GOING IN THE MICROWAVE

COME FOR ME SATAN
COME AT ME BRO

Please fuck all the way off, sir I am trying to enjoy my dinner

Protip: chia seed porridge tastes like warm frog eggs

Hey what's the difference between America and yogurt? 
You can leave yogurt alone for 200 years and it will develop a culture
I told my foster sister and her response was "yogurt can be fat free"

I mean if we think about it the first guy to hear a parrot talk was probably not okay for several days

I have a plan
One day
To buy 15 identical cats
And then invite someone over
And they ask "how many cats do you have"
And then answer "just one but he's really fast"

My blood is glowstick light that's why my bones crack when I move
Side effect: there are ravers gathering outside my window

The forest thing about horses is that they're basically grass engines
You put grass in and fast comes out
Most things that produce fast use much more heavily processed grass, like horses, and oil
And yet here are the horses
Producing the fast with only grass

One time in my English class, my teacher - a devout vegan and all about animal rights, accidentally stepped on a lady bug. She picked it up and carefully cradles it in her hand, and was so heartbroken she started quoting Hamlet. She was also a little blind and none of us had the heart to tell her it was a red m&m

Here's a fun thought: if you step on a person's foot they open their mouths just like a trashcan I'm going to sleep now

Making kraft dinner with coffee cream in stead of milk because I'm just full of fucking discovery today #innovative

Listen the entire fuck up
I'm gonna fuck your shit up with some knowledge
An infinite amount of loonies and an infinite amount of 20$ bills would still be worth the same amount. Because they're infinite. 
But they would be worth nothing because you would have devalued the currency so much 
But nothing is still the same as nothing

Are you listening
Get ready
A game show where a toddler chooses between a check for a million dollars and a basket full of dollar store toys. In the corner you can see the parents in a soundproof room, watching from a screen and screaming the whole fucking time

waaaaaaaauuu half way theeeere WAAAA-U. LIIIIIIZARD ON A CHAAAAAIR
WAAAAAAAAAA-UUUU WIZARD ON A BEAAAAR
WAAAAAAAAAUU CHIIIICKEN ON A SNAAAARE
LALALALA WE'LL MAKE IT I SWEAAAAAAR 
WAAAAAAAU BLIZZARD ON A PEAAAAAAR

Person: eats 100 ears of corn in two hours I am the corn king! I cannot be outcorned! 

Me: eats 101 ears of corn in 10 minutes just another day in the cornfields

Sharon, age 42. Xanax prescription. Has never worked a day in her life. Loves salad. Hates her husband. Wears cat eye glasses, drives a Cadillac. She can even, she just chooses not to. Her idea of getting wild is a glass of aged red wine after dinner as opposed to her usual white
Barbara, age 53. Makes a mean casserole. Racist. "You want some jelly beans?" Proud member of Mothers Against Marijuana, she already called the police. Mother of pearl necklace earring sets, one specifically to be worn at book club and the other strictly church only (can't have the pure, untarnished pearls come anywhere near the book club amaretto, they won't be fit to be worn in a holy place)
Susan. Age 42. Summers in Connecticut. Owns 3 horses. 100% pink wardrobe, wears a big pink hairbow and a blush color sweater tied around her shoulders. Flirts with her son's SAT tutor. Drinks tequila when no one else is around, and as a result her housekeeper knows way too much.
Sharon, age 35. Secretary in a law firm, recently divorced. Smokes menthols only. A white iPhone 6. Only the latest fashion trends. Does regular juice cleansing and claims this new diet "really works" every other month.
Valerie, age 26. A grande soy vanilla latte. Had a one night stand with some guy from the bar but "doesn't usually do that". Wants her phone but it's so far away. Doesn't know how to adult. Same, Valerie. Same.
Keri, 24. Tall chai tea latte. Has 170$ sandals but walks barefoot anyway. Has a "live, laugh, love" sign in her room above her headboard. Sells daisy crowns on etsy.
Samantha, age 28. From the suburbs, but pretends she lives in the city. Snapchats herself driving to work every day, worships the martini and everything they stand for.
What
I'm profiling people based on the names ive heard today. Elizabeth. Once put a filter on top of another filter. Claims to be a free spirit, but follows the crowd. Hasn't pooped in 5 days.
Chelsea. 25. Yoga instructor. Vegan (ish). Loves Whole Foods, but hates when the bundles of kale are too thick. Profile picture is looking off in to the distance at a sunset, running hand through hair
Amelia, age 48. Loves tennis but has to be careful with her knees. Same, Amelia. Fave song is Celine Dion's "that's the way it is"
Carol, age 43. Dental receptionist. Always has skinny cow ice cream in the fridge. Goes to Zumba once a week. Reads on the beach. Not mad you lied to her, just disappointed
Am I wrong?????

motherfucking
Prepare yourself
Coffee cokes from a bean. Soy is a type of bean. Vanilla is a bean.
A soy vanilla latte is a type of three bean soup

Today I heard a three year old refer to pockets as snack holes and that's what they shall be called from now on

Am I the only one who thinks heck is the worst swear word? It's like hell and fuck got together and had  a one night stand and suddenly fuck was 5 months pregnant and neither of them were ready for this so they gave it up and heck is their long lost lovechild. Heck is the outcast of the family that doesn't know what its purpose in life is other than to be used by psudeo sassy 11-year-olds. Heck is the kid with the uneven haircut and awkwardly spaced teeth, the kid that's just a little off. Heck is specifically to by said by guys like Randy with a moustache in a Louisiana accent. A crown hairline so far receded he looks like someone just shaved the top of his head and left the rest. And he says it when asking something along the lines of "what in the heck did I do to my lawn mower this time". Dirty once-white beater shirt, hairy chest, beer belly and aviator sunglasses, middle aged churchgoer that wears his blue plaid button up short sleeve shirt tucked in to his beige pants with a brown belt, married to a Barbra, drinks cheap stale beer, smokes cigarettes he rolls himself and puts them out in old beer cans. Watches the news, all day every day, reads the newspaper at breakfast so you can see just his shiny bald head peeking over the top of the paper like an extremely anti-climactic sunrise. Puts his self-rolled cigarettes out in old beer cans. Talks in a language consisting almost completely of primative grunts. Drinks some orange juice with pulp, with two pieces of toast cut in triangles, eggs sunnyside-up, three sausage links and two pieces of bacon. Says he doesn't support trump, "but damn if he doesn't tell it like it is."

FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DAMMIT TO THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF SATAN'S GREAT FLAMING ABYSS

We're on the bus and some asshat bathed himself in axe so I can't breathe and I open the window so I don't choke and this lady gives me the dirtiest look and says "um the bus has controlled temperature you're not supposed to open the window unless it's an emergency" so I was like "well I wouldn't have to do that if people didn't think axe was a suitable replacement for a shower but as it stands right now I can't breathe, and I don't know about you but I think that classifies as an emergency because I'd like to live. So unless you have a better idea, or better yet, an inhaler, I suggest you mind your own business" and she fucking got off the bus

Hey what's blue and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? 
A fridge with a denim jacket

So my mom bought my sister a goldfish for a first pet. Made sure she understood that she can't walk the fish, because I tried to walk my fish when I was her age, and she loved it with all her heart. 
Except my mom also bought Laura an easy bake oven
And Laura wanted to make seafood....

I just had a dream where frosty the snowman was mad at me for calling him frosty the snowman and he was like "listen you fucking rusty screw how would you like it if I called you fleshy the skinwoman" And I mean I kinda see his point

I just had a dream where tornadoes were illegal or something so I saw 2.5 metric fuck tons of cop cars going towards the tornado and they all got sucked up

I can't believe Americans mosh when they have to pay for healthcare???? You catch a spinkick and your mom's selling her house

One time in kindergarten a girl asked me to write "super girl" on her arm because I was the only kid that could write yet and I wrote "shit" instead and hid under the table for half an hour until the teacher found me and yelled at me and she called my parents and my mom laughed so hard she cried

Also I had a long vivid dream last night where I accidentally invited the ghost of Alexander Hamilton in to my house and he just followed me around and scoffed at my writing and eventually I tried to hire an exorcist but it turned out to be Thomas Jefferson and they got in to a fist fight in my kitchen

Do vampires use their teeth and then suck out the blood or do they suck the blood through their teeth like straws I've been up since 330am

While spreading your favorite condiment on your sandwich you accidentally summon a demon. When you see him, you silently take out two more slices of bread, make another sandwich and slide it over on a plate with a handful of potato chips. The whole thing vanishes in a puff of smoke. The next day you get a promotion. No contract. No words spoken. You owe nothing. But every now and then another demon pops in for lunch. It's not often demons get to eat homemade sandwiches

Reincarnation is a known, common and expected way of death. You are a bounty hunter that specializes in locating people who have committed suicide to escape jail sentences or debt.
"It's a girl!" Exclaims the doctor. 
"It's a fucking tax dodger is what it is!" Blaine "The Flame" Hogan bursts in to the hospital, cocking his shotgun

I just had a dream that macklemore came to my house and said he spent all his money at the thrift shop and he couldn't buy food so I was like "aw do you need some snacklemore" and he punched me in the face g'night

I had this guy from like the middle East start messaging me with the classic "i love u I need money so we can be together" scam and it's really fun to mess with him 
"How r u sweet chocolate"
"I'm good, thanks self-raising flour"

I just took a nap
And had a dream
Where I was wearing a shirt with a bunch of corn stalks on it
And someone was like "wtf are you wearing"
So I said "It's a crop top"
And I laughed so hard I woke up

I was on the phone with my mom, she has an iPhone, and she was cleaning the bathroom when she dropped her phone in the toilet so she yelled "SIRI I DROPPED YOU IN THE TOILET WHAT DO I DO" and then I heard Siri say "Angela, you have 28 events in July. That's a lot" And then her phone died

I had a dream where I just graduated college and i got home and as a final test of skill I had to fight Dwayne the rock Johnson. Eventually I figured out his attack patterns and was able to dodge him easily enough but none of my punches did anything he was too strong. Eventually I jumped on his back and wrapped my arms around his neck and I don't know if I won, but i woke up and my arms were sore

Did you know
That when turtles eat jellyfish, the venom from the jellyfish affects the turtles in the same way that weed affects humans, and that's why Disney portrayed crush and squirt the way they did

God bless ur oblivious lil heart

You can teach parakeets a few words like hi or hello and a name or "treat"
I'm gonna teach them pokemon cries

I had a dream last night where I went in a space ship set to time travel 1,000,000,405,641,000 years in to the future but I got stuck in year 4,000 in a time dilation jail set up by the government to trap time travelers but it was so crazy and mismanaged because it was capturing every single time traveler ever and the place had been open for 12 minutes and was already overpopulated with nonstop recursive instances of one guy trying to break previous versions of himself out of this time traveler jail

Fuck that entire getup and the thought train it fucking rode in on fucking pickle slushies can go back to hell where they came from

I just had a dream where the mothman was being sued by the state of West Virginia for accidentally breaking the light posts and he hired me as his lawyer so in court I start off like "now, my client is quite literally a giant moth, so you can't blame him for being attracted to lights" and then half way through my speech I looked over to address the mothman and there he was bumping in to the lights and then they broke and caused a power outage

If a person has their nipples pierced 
And medics use a defibrillator on them
Would their nipples fry off

When i adopt my children
I'm going to give them the day after every full moon off and see how long it takes administrators to catch on

Playing pokemon crystal on my phone and my togepi has sweet kiss so whenever I have a foe that's close to death I can confuse them and action replay until they show themselves out instead of me wasting a good offensive move on something that's gonna die anyway

Man
Shirts are crazy
Your body goes in one hole and out three

Me: I wonder what my rats named me
Rats, probably: I wonder what Bitchface Malone III is thinking about

Got a chikorita
Named it daisy
Saw it was male
Chikorita evokes in to meganium
My geranium is a drag queen
Meganium fuck

Every cloud has a silver lining, a molten core, a brittle bone structure, and a thick, reddish exoskeleton.

Today is sponsored by Clorox. No one knows who they paid to sponsor a unit of time, but it happened and we can't do anything about it.

Do what you can*, with what you have**, where you are***.
* giggle
** ticklish skin
* snake pit

Welcome to 2018, the year we finally do it. The year we eat the sun.

We gotta remember to drink a shit ton of water every miserable day of our lives.
And good days too
What the fuck is a good day? Who knows. I sure don't

Motherfucking coconuts you could drill one and a ghost shark comes out thru the hole and chews your head off
Maybe you have your umbrella open and a ghost shark falls out of the fucking sky and crushes you to death
That's how I wanna go
Death from above motherfuckers
The fucking water content in your own fucking blood
You could just undergo molecular and interdimensional fusion with the ghost shark
You could be schrodingers shark simultaneously dead shark and live human
A fucking shark-human hybrid cloud

I was in thriftys the other night with my ramen travel cup in my slippers and shark onesie wrapped in a blanket it was amazing
Some lady at the deli was like wow ur never gonna get married dressed like that so I was like good thing I'm not fucking looking to get married Sharon, I'm just looking to get a dollar samosa

Let's take a second and appreciate that chickens will fuck up ur shit

I just had this fucking rude ass dream
There was a voice, and it asked "do you wanna hear a joke" so I like jokes and generally do what voices tell me so I say ye 
AND THEN I FUCKING WAKE UP

My party is four legendary pokemon, a bird that was so lazy it lived in the shell of its egg for the first 32 levels of its life and a drag queen plant
Iconic

Breaking news: you can be cremated when you die and have your ashes turned in to a playable record so bitches can play me when I'm dead just like they did when I was alive
Y'all

When i was like 3 or 4 my dad set a bucket of water up on my door so when I opened the door it would tip on me, but I saw it so I tested the wobbliness of it a little bit and decided I wouldn't try to sneak past it, but I faked falling out of my bed so there was a loud thump and I started screaming like my hair was on fire and he came running and the bucket dumped on him and there I was in my bed giggling

R u stewing my beef

Also I kind of want a live action remake of the emperor's new groove but I want no CGI, just two actors in a shitty llama costume trying their best

Did I tell you about the kid in 8th grade that stole my sandwich
Well
It was my english teachers class, because she would let us eat in class, so i would pack two sandwiches, one for lunch and one to eat in class. One day as I was about to eat my Sandwich, I get up to use the bathroom. As I walk back in the classroom, I see the kid in front of me eating my sandwich. I was pretty annoyed but nothing serious at this point, so I confront him politely and he denies it completely. I left my sandwich on my desk the next day just to make sure it was him, and what do you know, it is. So on the third day, I put habanero cheese on my sandwich, and then doused it all in ghost pepper sauce. That shit was everywhere, but it luckily didn’t smell spicy. I get to study hall and my plan works flawlessly. I leave my trap sandwich on my desk and get up to use the restroom. This time I take as long as I can, and end up wandering the halls of the school. I did this because my study hall teacher was anal about the hall pass, and only one guy was allowed to leave the class at a time, even for water. After about ten minutes I come back into the class to be greeted by the sandwich thief crying hysterically with a bright red face waiting for the hall pass. He was in the bathroom for the rest of the day.

Mercy is for the weak.
Yo who in the fuck

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in this glowing orb I found in a swamp.

No use crying over spilled milk. No use weeping over stray peanut butter. No use clutching at a fallen slice of toast screaming "Why? Why?

Don't look a gift horse in the chelicera. For one thing, that's not a horse.

"Write what you know" is only half the saying. The other half is: "so know interesting things."

One for the money, two for the show, three for the buried statue of a forgotten god who died a long, long time ago

Tonight's full moon has been brought to you by Pepsi. Pepsi: We Created the Moon and We Will Eventually Destroy It.

I'm a little teapot/short and stout/here are my pincers/here are some more pincers/here is a barbed tail/three sets of jaws/and more pincers

Help control the pet population. Stop calling ants pets. They do not love you and it's inflating the numbers.

Every cloud has a silver lining, a molten core, a brittle bone structure, and a thick, reddish exoskeleton.

Follow your heart, it's in a cooler in the back of that van up ahead

Trapped in a dead-end job? Trapped in a car trunk? Trapped in darkness with no memories of who you are or how long you've been alive?

Silent Night. Holy Night. Very Silent Night. Please Be Quiet Night. If You Make Noise It Will Hear Us Night.

Manic pixie dream tarantula

I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind. It's in this clay jar. Pls keep it in a cool dry place and away from cats

Hemingway once wrote a six word short story "I live in the pit now." No one knew why he wrote it, or where he disappeared after.

These texts brought to you by Uber. Burn down all cities. Salt all fields. Uber. The end of all things.

This'll brighten up your day. points at sun Gonna explode eventually tho. It all ends in darkness. Anyway kids, I'm your substitute today.

PSA: Help control the pet population by having your dog or cat digitized and transcoded as an AI twitterbot.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And throat spiders. Also, many other things, several of which can be found in your home.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip.

Fishing, hiking, and staring with blank terror at an empty sky. And what are your hobbies?

Travel Advisory: You're spinning at almost 1000 mph, but still millions of miles from the next closest thing in the void.

Parents, talk to your teens about deer. Ask them why the deer are gathering and staring. What do they know about these deer? Ask them.

Would the owner of a gray Toyota Tacoma please wake from this dream, this gauzy lucid dream of existence, and only then begin to truly see?

Part of me wants to stay in tonight and watch a movie. Another part of me is growing scales.

Remember kids, just because it's full of spiders doesn't mean it's not a piñata

If you ask an undercover cop a riddle that they are unable to answer, they must give you their treasure.

Wherever you go, there you are. You're already there. You've been there a long time, not knowing how you arrived.

Shout at the sky. Curse at the moon. Write an angry letter to the sun. Leave a passive-aggressive note for the meteors. Wink at the eclipse.

Can't sleep? Don't know how? Don't believe in sleep? Never heard of it? Doesn't matter. Not anymore. Not ever again. Ride Amtrak.

It's always darkest just before someone says 'bloody mary' three times in the rearview of your car, and then you drive and see her running trying to keep up. Being a dick even to demons

The captain has turned on the "Worship the Moon" sign.

Every time we press on our eyelids we see the messages written for us by beings we've long forgotten in a language we never knew.

FedEx can deliver a SACK OF TARANTULAS overnight! FedEx can deliver a SACK OF TARANTULAS even if that's not what you shipped! FedEx.

Sticks and stones may break your bones. No other information is available

The old adage "A blind deer owes you money, but you best not take it" has never been more true.

Fun Historical Fact #372: America is at least six years old!

Listen to your inner child. It's the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.

Come to the place where the fun never ends. Nonstop fun. Fun all the time. It does not stop. There are no exits. Where are the exits? Is this a dream? Did I even wake up? I'm going back to sleep

Hail Satan. Rain Demon. Low Pressure Front Spectre.

SAY IT AIN'T SO. I WILL NOT GO. TURN THE LIGHTS OFF. CARRY ME HOOOME. 
NANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANA