Replaces 'wand' with 'penis' in Harry Potter ebooks

readme.md

Purpose

Takes a (DRM-free) Harry Potter epub file and replaces every instance of the word 'wand' with 'penis'. Inspired by this Buzzfeed listicle.

Usage

You'll need Node.js, so get that, then install the dependencies:

npm install

Then simply run the script, passing in a Harry Potter epub file as an argument. Assuming your epub files are in the same directory as the script:

node penisify.js "Chamber of Secrets.epub"

A new file named something like Chamber of Secrets.penisified.epub will be created and the original file will remain unaltered.

Notes

Shout-out to anyone selling DRM free ebooks and allowing nonsense like this to exist.

Error handling is basically non-existent, so don't be an idiot.

I'm using a mix of sync and async zip libraries because one of the libraries is broken and not going to be fixed. Don't judge me.

package.json

{
  "name": "penisify",
  "version": "1.0.0",
  "description": "Takes a (DRM-free) Harry Potter epub file and replaces every instance of the word 'wand' with 'penis'.",
  "repository": {
    "url": "https://gist.github.com/b22cfa656b54da1ab47683d7663a6676.git"
  },
  "keywords": [
    "harry potter",
    "penis"
  ],
  "author": "SteveUpton",
  "license": "MIT",
  "dependencies": {
    "adm-zip": "^0.4.7",
    "yazl": "^2.4.2"
  }
}

penisify.js

const admZip = require('adm-zip');
const yazl = require('yazl');
const fs = require('fs');

const bookFileName = process.argv[2];

if (!bookFileName) {
  console.log('Pass me a book, like so:');
  console.log('  node penisify.js "Chamber of Secrets.epub"');
  process.exit();
}

const book = new admZip(bookFileName);
const updated = new yazl.ZipFile();

book.getEntries().forEach(function(entry) {
  if (entry.entryName.match(/\.(html|ncx)+$/i)) {
    newEntryString = book.readAsText(entry)
      .replace(/\bwand\b/g, 'penis')
      .replace(/\bwands\b/g, 'penises')
      .replace(/\bWand\b/g, 'Penis')
      .replace(/\bWands\b/g, 'Penises');

    updated.addBuffer(new Buffer(newEntryString), entry.entryName);
  } else {
    updated.addBuffer(book.readFile(entry), entry.entryName);
  }
});
updated.end();

updatedName = bookFileName.replace(/\.epub+$/i, '.penisified.epub');
updated.outputStream.pipe(fs.createWriteStream(updatedName));