Caddy Tar Pit

README.md

This is a silly snippet of caddy config file to send heavily compressed huge files to clients prodding "stupid" URLs. (idea from https://tech.lgbt/@becomethewaifu/111879788755441482)

This needs a directory with 3 precompressed files, which may be created like this (tune numbers if you have more/less bandwith to spare or want to annoy "visitors" more/less):

dd if=/dev/zero bs=1M count=10240 status=progress | gzip -9 > 42.gzip
dd if=/dev/zero bs=1M count=102400 status=progress | brotli > 42.br
dd if=/dev/zero bs=1M count=102400 status=progress | zstd -9 -T0 > 42.zstd

I got these compression ratios:

File	Compressed	Uncompressed
42.gzip	9.937 MiB	10 GiB
42.br	82.032 KiB	100 GiB
42.zstd	3.17 MiB	100 GiB

Caddyfile

	# Tar pit
	@shit {
		path */.env
		path /wp-login.php
	}
	handle @shit {
		root * /srv/www
		vars compression gzip
		@is_br header Accept-Encoding *br*
		vars @is_br compression br
		@is_zstd header Accept-Encoding *zstd*
		vars @is_zstd compression zstd
		header {
			Content-Encoding {vars.compression}
			Content-Type "text/html; charset=utf-8"
		}
		rewrite * /42.{vars.compression}
		file_server
	}

Since the commands to create the compressed files can take quite a while to run, I'd recommend adding status=progress to the dd command so you actually see how far it is :3

@sussycatgirl Updated. Thanks.