One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it!"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Last active
September 15, 2018 15:11
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Jokes... [many are NSFW]
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?
"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.
The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"
"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."
A family walks into a hotel...
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."
एक बार एक आदमी का मुर्गी फार्म था उसमें सब मुर्गियां ही थी। उसकी मुर्गियां अंडा नहीं देती थी क्योंकि उनको चोदने वाला कोई नहीं था। मालिक पड़ोस के एक गाँव से बहुत ही चुदकड़ मुर्गा खरीद लाया। अगली रात उसने सारी मुर्गियों को चोदा साथ ही साथ गाय और बकरियों को भी चोदा और फिर गिर गया। फिर सुबह उसके मालिक ने देखा कि वो गिरा पड़ा हुआ था मालिक ने सोचा कि कहीं वो मर तो नहीं गया और उसके पास जाकर बोला, "भोसड़ी के जिंदा है या मर गया?" मुर्गा बोला, "शू, ऊपर चील मडरा रही हैं नीचे आने दे उसे भी चोद डालूंगा।"
एक डॉक्टर पठान के पीछे ब्लेड लेकर भाग रहा था और चिल्ला रहा था, "ठहर जा बहन के लोड़े, तेरी माँ चोद दूंगा, रूक साले कमीने, एक बार हाथ लग जा तेरे को जान से मार दूँगा।"
यह सुन कर कुछ लोगो ने डॉक्टर को पकड़ा और पूछा, "भाई साहब हुआ क्या है, क्यों उसको मारने पर तुले हो?"
डॉक्टर गुस्से से बोला, "ये साला भोसड़ी का हरामी, पिछली 4 बार से ऐसा ही कर रहा है, नसबंदी करवाने आता है और झाँटे कटवा कर भाग जाता है।"
"Allah & GSoC" - an excerpt from #gsoc IRC channel.
[6:48 pm] [16:35:16] http://oortr.com/YmU5NT
[6:48 pm] [16:35:36] rather than pasting a random link, why not say what it is, Guest25582?
[6:48 pm] [16:36:06] Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:36:13] sun is not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:36:22] moon is not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:36:24] this channel is about GSOC
[6:48 pm] [16:36:30] stars are not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:36:40] please stay on topic or leave, Guest25582
[6:48 pm] [16:36:43] planets are not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:36:51] pfff
[6:48 pm] [16:36:55] galaxies are not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:37:03] oceans are not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:37:14] mountains are not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:37:22] trees are not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:37:29] mom is not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:37:36] dad is not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] * teepee [16:37:39] waits for admin doing... something
[6:48 pm] [16:37:48] boss is not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:38:03] job is not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:38:13] dollar is not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:38:23] degree is not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:38:28] kblin Robert_S please help
[6:48 pm] [16:38:37] medicine is not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:38:47] thanks :)
[6:48 pm] <Guest_98765> [16:39:31] customers are not doing Allah is doing
[6:48 pm] [16:51:58] student is doing gsoc - allah is not doing gsoc
[6:48 pm] [16:52:05] lol
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Cookies -by Douglas Adams
This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it. Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know… But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do aclue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, What am I going to do?
In the end I thought Nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice…” I mean, it doesn’t really work.
We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and st back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies. The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who’s had the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.
Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
A farmer is being interviewed about his cows
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine
I wish I could be ugly for one day
Being ugly every day sucks.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?
I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again,,,
Vegans think butchers are gross
But people who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went
Then it dawned on me
A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home."
One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window. "Who just threw that? Demands the teacher. "Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6ryas3/what_do_you_call_a_book_club_thats_been_stuck_on/
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?
Church
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”
Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn.”
Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
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HAHAAHAHAHA 😂