Wandering through the streets, I can’t help but wonder what they’re thinking. The man with a fancy suit, angrily talking on his phone. The teenage friends laughing with one another. The woman who clutches her purse tightly. What did they do to bring them here, walking near me? Maybe he was just losing a deal and races to his car. Maybe they skipped school. Maybe she thought she was being stalked. What grim thoughts…assuming the worst. He could just as easily be annoyed at his child for not taking the dog to the vet, they could just have finished early, and she, well, maybe I was misreading that, and she just thought of a scary sceneand its from a movie. Why did I think of the negative before the thought of a positive explanation even occurred to me?
It was getting too claustrophobic. I took a turn from the main street to a side path. I walked on it for a while, succumbed in thoughts, surrounded in forty-something year old buildings. Families most likely lived there. Maybe they had young children, had a dog that needed taking to the vet. I came across a small garden with an even smaller playground. It had slides in bright technicolour, a horse see-saw and a couple of swings. I sat on the right swing, looked at the other one, and burst into tears. They came in waves, along with the memories.
Going up the stairs, feeling a bit worried.
Opening the apartment door. “You know, I was just thinking…are you home?”
Being a bit confused, looking around. “Are you in here?”
Opening the bedroom door…
Stop it stop it stop it. I jumped from the swing, yelling at my brain to just shut up shut up already. With stuttering breaths, I wiped the tears away on my jacket. I stood there, fists clutched to my sides, chest heaving, tears still flowing down my face.
But I can’t stop memories. I don’t think you can either. Ebbing from my brain, I recall the sensation of holding her hand, how the world brightened at her smile’s command…I remembered…
“Why don’t you love me any more?” she spat out.
Biting my tongue and suppressing a shudder, I left the park, this time from the other exit. Again a street. Again people. The sun hung lower in the sky. It was a nice day, a gentle breeze rolling in. A bus stopped near me. Without thinking, I got on it, sat near the back. The tremors of the road were comforting. I leaned my head against the window, thoughts turning into a mush.
“Why don’t you love me any more?”
It should have rained. It was an atmosphere fit for a pouring rain. If this was a storybook, the sky would’ve opened the flood gates, and then only Noah would survive. But it didn’t. It was a fucking beautiful day, the sun was marvellous, the damned birds chirped, I’m sure even Maleficent went out collecting flowers.
“What are you talking about? Of course I do” I hugged her. She seemed smaller now in my args. She didn’t hug back. It was the truth. “You know that”.
She took a step back. Her eyes were unfocused, confused.
I didn’t know what it was a part of. How could I have known? If I did…then maybe…
Shut up. Don’t think that. I just…I just wanted to make her tea. Strawberry, her favourite. But there wasn’t any left. This should’ve cheered her up…how could…how could I have known…I just went out to buy some tea…
The bus slowly slid into its last stop, the driver telling everyone to get off. We are at the dock, the sun already set behind the horizon, hiding for tomorrow. Walking around, I saw fish bistros and small coffee-shops, all bustling with activity. It was, after all, a nice night to be out, enjoying cod or a latte, or just taking a stroll down the beach.
I bought tea. That was the right thing to do. Strawberry tea. Her favourite. I just left her there in the apartment, on the verge of tears, for tea. All the way there and back I kept thinking about it…trying to dismiss…trying to say that it’s okay. That it’s the right thing.
Going up the stairs, feeling a bit worried.
Maybe we should take a vacation. We haven’t really relaxed in a while. It’s a good idea.
Opening the apartment door. “You know, I was just thinking…” I felt silence. It hit me in a splash. There was no stirring air, there was no movement. “Are you home?” Where could she have gone?
Being a bit confused, looking around. “Are you in here?” I moved towards the bedroom.
Opening the bedroom door…
Seeing the toppled chair…
I stood on the edge of a cliff. The sea spat saltily at me, raging beneath. The wind grew stronger around me, billowing my clothes, making me feel cold, cold to the bone. I gave the sea some salt of my own. Maybe it’ll understand.
Maybe it’ll embrace me.