Half of 2017 and the year of 2018 might be the most memorable years of my life (or at least so far). It has been a year where a LOT happened both on professional and personal side of our lives. A lot of ups and downs some I will revisit from the future to see how I handled things and some I will never want to.
2017 ended with a depressing note for us after losing our daughter. There were some complication in the pregnancy and ultimately we lost our daughter at the end of 2017. It was a very grueling time where we had to wait patiently for things to turn out right but at the end heartbroken to see it happen otherwise. We were 21 weeks into the pregnancy when we lost her. We tried entering a phase of life to be pulled back again and again. For wanting to raise a family for so long we were mentally and physically drained right in the first step.
Sudha’s health, both mental and physical health, deteriorated and we had to take a break from all the hardships we faced to recover to some extent. To this day we both cry when the day comes when we lost our daughter. We even recently had to go to the same hospital to welcome a friend’s baby. It was hard for us as we walked past the hallway. Even though we didn’t show it to each other, it was a gut wrenching experience. Hopefully more baby welcomes in the same hospital will change our mindset of the hospital :).
On top of all this we had issues with immediate and extended family. Without going into the details, a major compatibility issue between myself and my parents caused a lot of other emotional stress during 2017. As I settled down in a family life and started making my own decisions, decisions that others didn’t entirely agree with, caused the misunderstanding. 2017 could have been a lot better without the emotional rollercoaster ride from my family. Having come from India and a large family there were a lot of misunderstandings when we didn’t announce our first pregnancy to everyone. This again caused strain in few relationships I had with my extended family. People whom I used to talk turned their back because I didn’t consider them important to announce the pregnancy.
To this date there are people who think I am being aloof in not informing them personally about my daughter. I sincerely hope they understand the plight of my situation. Having now talked to my parents a lot about this, they understand things to some extent but could still work on. After all they are my parents and they will understand when I am in stress. As for others please take this as my effort to explain my situation to you.
Even though 2017 didn’t end on a happy note, 2018 sure did :). We took some time off to recover from all this emotional rollercoaster. We focussed on our work, started working out and regularly went out for a walk or hike or something fun that we missed out in 2017. Even though there were some down times it did end happy for us. Our next attempt at raising a family seemed to work pretty good. Sudha did a LOT of research on the subject matter and was very well informed this time to avoid things we missed out the first 2 times. A little more reading I think she could have started her practice for gynecology :D. Without her my daughter wouldn’t have been in this world and forever I admire and envy her determination to get something dear to her done.
As we progressed in our third attempt, and as life always throws lemon at us, it was until 30 weeks into the pregnancy where things were smooth and really enjoyable. Things took a sudden U-turn at 30 weeks. We had some other complication this time and had to get admitted in the hospital at 30 weeks. From that day till our daughter was born it was a time of intense stress and pressure. We didn’t know what could happen at any point in time. Things were hanging in balance and we camped in the hospital for the next month. By October our daughter decided enough is enough and came out :) This time things were unexpectedly smooth and we finally had our daughter at hand cuddling and cooing with us.
Even though she had to spend a short amount of time in the hospital it was ok as we were patient of 8 months, we were ready to be patient for another 20 days :) As I write this blog I have my daughter beside me happily sleeping and smiling at me, reminding us our passage through the vicissitudes of 2018.
Professional side was no less fun. Working in a startup, we went through our highs and lows and when it came to funding our founders eventually decided to go up for sale. Even though the times of uncertainty was new to me it nevertheless helped me learn how a start up works (to some extent :)). Next time if I am planning on working for a startup I have a better clarity in deciding to work for or walk away from the offer. Having worked in a startup now I feel like I have a better handle at some stressful work situation.
To give a glimpse of the uncertainty and the dedication from the team to stick together - the lease for the building we worked from ended by end of February 2018 and since we were being bought we didn’t know where we might end up. At this point something that I did not envision happened. During such times of uncertainty we all decided to work from home for the entire period up until we were acquired. I was amazed at this gesture. If for any other startup my guess is people would have left. I think I can say this with certainty, if your team is comfortable at working remote then it means the entire team’s mindset is aligned and everyone believes in the product.
Cask has exposed me to the perks of open source, small teams and remote work. As I decided in 2017 I have expanded,by an inch, in my contributions to other open source projects. There were a few to start with but I could do better. Hopefully by the grace of my daughter it will happen in 2019 :D. Forever I will be in debt to all at Cask from whom I have learnt immensely in 2018 . Having said that life now is much better at Google so far :) (yes we were bought by Google yay!!). Work life balance has been amazing and I am still learning a lot at Google (duh!)
2018 has been a very memorable year with intense sad and happy memories. Stepping into 2019 I am confident we will enter a new phase of our life where we will share the same emotions with our daughter. To all family and friends, if at any point in this year if I had appeared aloof or high headed please wipe that off. This was my situation and if I came across as brash, arrogant idiot then one of the above stated situations could be the reason. For the rest I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year and a life time of joy ahead.