jokes

jokes.txt

[3:48 PM] Moros: My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"
I know he means well...
[3:49 PM] Moros: After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."
[3:50 PM] Moros: What's the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
[3:51 PM] Moros: The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
[3:51 PM] Moros: I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...

But graphing is where I draw the line!
[3:51 PM] Moros: God said to John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But john came fifth and won a toaster.
[3:52 PM] Moros: A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
[3:52 PM] Moros: A neutrino walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The neutrino says, "No thanks, I'm just passing through."
[3:52 PM] Moros: A proton walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The proton says, "I can't stay here, the charge is to high."
[3:52 PM] Moros: Neon walks into a bar. The bartender says "we dont serve noble gasses here!" The neon doesnt react.
[3:52 PM] Moros: An infrared photon walks into a bar and says "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
[3:52 PM] Moros: A room-temperature super conductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "We dont serve super conductors here!"

The room-temperature super conductor leaves without any resistance.
[3:53 PM] Moros: The past, present, and future all walk into a bar. It was tense.
[3:53 PM] Moros: The Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest says "we dont allow Higgs Bosons in here!"

The Higgs Boson says "But without me, you cant have mass!"
[3:53 PM] Moros: An English cat and a French cat decide to have a race to see who can swim across the river faster. The English cat's name is "One Two Three" and the French cat's name is "Un Deux Trois". Which cat wins and why?

The English cat wins because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
[3:54 PM] Moros: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.
[3:54 PM] Moros: The butcher accidentally backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
[3:54 PM] Moros: Did you hear about the optometrist who backed up into his lens grinder?

He made a spectacle of himself.

He now has 20/20 hindsight.
[3:55 PM] Moros: A piece of string walks into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string here" The string goes back outside, ties himself up, and messes up his hair. The string goes back into the bar and orders again. The bartender asks, "Aren't you that piece of string?" "No," says the string, "I'm a frayed knot"
[3:55 PM] Moros: What's E.T. short for?

Because he's got little legs.
[3:56 PM] Moros: But what does E.T. stand for?

The national anthem.
[3:58 PM] Moros: Why did the sun not go to college?

Because he already had a million degrees.

I mean he already had a day job anyways.
[3:58 PM] Moros: I'm good friends with 25 letters of the English alphabet.

I don't know why.
[3:59 PM] Moros: A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying brown paint have collided in the English Channel.

Both crews have been marooned.
[3:59 PM] Moros: Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
[3:59 PM] Moros: What Thinks the Unthinkable?

Ithburgth
[3:59 PM] Moros: Why do Mermaids wear sea-shells as bras?

Because b-shells are too small.
[3:59 PM] Moros: Yesterday I bought the world's worst thesaurus, not only was it terrible, but it was terrible.
[4:01 PM] Moros: What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint
[4:02 PM] Moros: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a sedan.
[4:03 PM] Moros: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!
[4:03 PM] Moros: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Salmon, duh!
[4:04 PM] Moros: What do you do if you find a bra in the middle of the road?

Leave it alone, it might be a booby trap.
[4:04 PM] Moros: What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick
[4:06 PM] Moros: Two muffins are baking in the oven. One says to the other "It sure is hot in here". The other shouts "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"
[4:08 PM] Moros: How do bees get to school?

On the school buzzzz.
[4:08 PM] Moros: What did one snowman say to other other snowman? I smell carrots.

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.
[4:08 PM] Moros: Two windmills were standing in a field, the first windmill asks the second: "What's your favorite type of music?"

"I'm a big metal fan"
[4:08 PM] Moros: Does the name Pavlov ring any bells?
[4:09 PM] Moros: Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
[4:09 PM] Moros: What do you call a bear in the rain?

A drizzly bear!
[4:11 PM] Moros: Knock knock

Who's there

Panther

Panther who?

Panther no panth, I'm going thwimming
[4:11 PM] Moros: Why do farts smell? So deaf people can enjoy them, too.
[4:11 PM] Moros: This just in: Donors are wanted for man whose buttocks were blown off in industrial accident.

Doctors report, 'No end in sight.'
[4:11 PM] Moros: The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
[4:12 PM] Moros: What do old people smell like?

Depends...
[4:12 PM] Moros: Sometimes I feel circles are pointless.
[4:13 PM] Moros: Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
[4:14 PM] Moros: Two Olympians are on the field. One looks at the other and asks, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He says, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"
[4:15 PM] Moros: What do you called George Washington's fake teeth? Presidentures
[4:17 PM] Moros: When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.
[4:18 PM] Moros: Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
[4:18 PM] Moros: A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. The blonde won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the women met back at Wal-Mart. The blonde asked the brunette how she liked her prize, to which the brunette replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!" "How about you? How's the toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied the blonde. "I think I'm gonna go back to paper."
[4:19 PM] Moros: .

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.

For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.

After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.

He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. "My name is Yu! It's an honor to meet you!" the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.

It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.(edited)
[4:19 PM] Moros: The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu's father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.

Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn't have his beloved Chinese maiden.

So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do....

Rick rolled back into town screaming,

"I'm never gonna give Yu up!"
[4:20 PM] Moros: .

At the liquor store:

"Hey, do you need help?"
"Yes, but I come here instead"
[4:23 PM] Moros: One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
[4:23 PM] Moros: The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."
[4:25 PM] Moros: .

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

boeing boeing boeing(edited)
[4:25 PM] Moros: Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."