[Recipient], this might be the most difficult conversation we will ever have. I want to share something hard that’s going on in my life, because I love and trust you, and I know you love me.
So I want to make a deal with you: I won’t try to police how you feel, and if you are angry or upset, that’s fine. But I need you to not explode or retreat. I ask that, as a once-in-a-lifetime favor to me, you listen, all the way through, and reserve judgment and questions until the end. Ultimately, I think this can be positive for both of us. Is that something we can do together?
It means a lot to me that you are willing to listen. There’s a lot to get through, so I wrote most of it down. I’m going to read it because it will make things easier, and I will give you this copy when we are done.
To get to the point, [time of realization], I came to the shocking, and completely unwelcome realization that I’m transgender.
Yes, this means that, despite being assigned [birth gender] based on my genitalia at birth, as a person, I am [gender identity]. Barring unforeseen circumstances, in [timeframe], I will be presenting as myself full time.
I didn’t ask for this, and I don’t take it lightly, but it is who I am, so I want to do three things today:
- tell you about the big picture
- talk to you about some specifics
- and after that, answer any questions I can
Here’s the big picture:
First, there is nothing easy about this, but I’m okay, and I’m going to be okay.
Second, this isn’t something I’m doing to you, or out of spite for you.
Third, this isn’t out of nowhere, even if I may never be able to fully articulate my experience to you. It also isn’t because of anything anyone did or didn’t do to me. It’s part of me, and as hard as I have tried to deny it, it always has been.
Fourth, my identity is not a fetish, a disorder, or a mental illness, and neither the medical nor the psychiatric communities think it is. In fact, our best understanding is that it is probably a physiological feature of the brain. But the pain and anxiety that comes from not living that identity is called gender dysphoria. Untreated dysphoria is extremely deadly.
Fifth, I love you.
Sixth, I understand that this disruption of your expectations is going to be hard for you, but the path I have chosen is the one that is the least personally dangerous. I need you to respect the process, my wishes, and the well-informed medical professionals that are involved.
As for the specifics,
I need to be the one in control of when people find out I’m trans. It’s a safety issue. I feel safe around you, so you are one of the first people I have told.
We will get back to what this means for other people in a minute.
The first thing I did after coming to terms with this is seek a therapist and a support group. I, too was shocked, and wanted to make sure I had professional help while trying to figure it out. I’ve been seeing them for a while.
So obviously, I’m going to go through a process of changing what gender I show to the world. That process is called transition. What it means is different for everyone.
The public fixation on genital surgery when discussing trans issues is a problem. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m [considering | not considering] surgery. It’s a personal decision and no plan survives the battlefield. At this point it’s more a question of [“when” than “if.” | “if” than “when.”]
There are a lot of negative stereotypes about trans folks in the media. Most of them are unrealistic and hateful portrayals of men in dresses--think Klinger from MASH, who was literally a joke. The reality is that you interact with a lot more trans folks than you are able to identify as trans.
Ironically, the most significant changes to the way I will present myself will not come from clothes or surgery, but from hormone replacement therapy. It will change my face, the fat distribution on my body, and force a second onset of puberty, among other things. I will also be working with a voice coach to have a natural-sounding [gender identity] voice.
The only things that won’t change at all are my bones. [Everyone’s genes are different, and depending on the effects of hormones, I may have minor cosmetic surgery to reduce the masculinity of my face. I’ve never been a fan of plastic surgery, but again, controlling who knows that I’m trans is a safety issue.]
[talk about how this applies to people in your life]
[talk about how this applies to your job or work life]
I have prepared some links and resources, and I’ll give them to you when we finish this conversation. What you do with them is up to you, but most parents and family members find them helpful.
But before we wrap up, there are two more important takeaways that I need to share with you.
The first is that most parents--even the most accepting ones--go through a process of mourning the child they knew. It’s totally natural. Fundamentally, I am the same person, with the same likes and dislikes, ethics, morals, and goals. But it’s still okay to grieve your [son | daughter]. I will do whatever I can to help with that process. I’m sorry it took so long for me to figure this out, because I wish we could get back all the time you could have been getting to know me as your [daughter | son]. I hope you will choose to get to know me again, as I’m learning to be your [daughter | son] as my honest self.
The second is that at some point, as much as I love the one you gave me, I will have to change my name and pronouns.
[talk about your name]
That’s about it. Thank you again for listening. I know this is hard, and a whole lot of what-the-hell, but I can’t keep living dishonestly. I know you’ll have questions. I’ll try to answer them. Please don’t be afraid to ask questions that feel weird or intrusive, because I’d rather you know the honest truth than have some misunderstanding cause problems down the road.
I love you, [signature]
Resources
Unfortunately, most resources are aimed at partners or the parents of young trans children. Nevertheless, the most helpful things for most people seems to be to talk to other friends and family members of trans folks.
PFLAG local chapter finder -- support meetings for parents, friends, and families of LGBT people
PFLAG list of books about transgender issues
From my understanding, bones can change if you start hormones early enough.