Advice from "We Ate'nt Dead"

we-atent-dead-advice.txt

"Harder" is a horrible safe word.
%
Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time
%
Don't not do that again.
%
Never ask your ouija board for recipes.
%
Don't shove beans up your nose.
%
Always get the young man's name and address.
%
Puppies can and will chew anything.
%
Always wear shoes when working in the garden
> sleeves and long trousers as well, because of ticks
%
"I don't know" is one of the smartest things you can say. It means you now have a chance to learn
%
Don't suffer the toxic people in your life.
%
It's important to finger-tighten the nuts on the under side of the toilet seat every now and again. Keeps you from falling in.
> 24 hrs too late.
%
Rocks taste terrible, but they're really easy to catch.
% 
Asking permission is generally sexier than begging forgiveness.
%
If you have to get up in the middle of the night to pee, open your eyes until you get back into bed.
If you are dreaming that you are peeing in the toilet, wake up and go pee in the toilet.
% 
*ALWAYS* check for paper *BEFORE* you sit down!
%
When you’re pished and you’ve gotten a taxi - anywhere - as you’re getting out, run your hand across all of the seat.
Since I started doing this, I’ve never lost my keys/wallet/phone... but I *have* found money.
%
Advice from my father that has always stuck with me :
“If you’d don’t eat, you don’t sh1t.
If you don’t sh1t, you die. “
%
When in doubt, go full force
%
Do not enter a bum kicking contest against an echidna
%
Scrape the marmite off the carpet before it sets. (Or jam/porridge/whatever else the baby has learned to fling!)
> Or remove all carpets 🤷
%
Go read some Pratchett
%
If you drop your chocolate covered raisins on the movie theater floor it is vitally important that you do not pick them up and continue eating them.
%
Don't eat yellow snow
%
Grow your own food—even if just some windowsill herbs.
%
Don't lick strangers
> er ... where??
> Hrm, asking for a friend.

> why? I have had some favorable reactions...
%
Always have a pair of scissors within reach, preferably on the floor. You never know when you're gonna get adventurous and stuck...
%
When deciding whether to splurge on something, especially an impulse purchase, handle it as little as possible, put it down and walk away to make your decision. Handling an item gives you a feeling of ownership, and intensifies the feeling that you’re losing something if you don’t buy it. Letting customers handle merchandise is a common sales tactic.
%
Always check for ants nests before pitching your tent.
%
If you dream you are laying an egg... it’s not an egg
%
Always make sure you know where your towel is.
%
Buy low and sell high
%
Before going to university, my mother advised me to make friends with the porters. She was right. Nowadays, at new places of work, I've expanded that to: security, cleaners, and IT. People tend to treat folk in those roles like objects that they only notice when things are going wrong.
%
Stay hydrated.
%
Never trust a bald barber...he has no respect for your hair
%
Two barbers working in a shop, go to the one with the bad haircut
%
If you have to clean lots of rice or pasta off the floor, add some sand. Makes it much easier to sweep.
%
"No" is a complete sentence.
%
"When reaching the top of the tree, the soldier independently stops the climbing movement." Service regulations of the German army
%
Never go trampolining under a low flying helicopter.
%
Never fart just before you sit down.
%
Always be nice to people... But especially to anyone who cleans, cooks, or looks after you when you're ill. Because the revenge they can take can be subtle and appalling.
%
Never trust anyone in a suit, or who is holding a clipboard.
%
Never kiss a rabbit after eating a toffee apple
%
Never trust anyone your Dog doesn't like
%
Don’t whistle with a mouth full of custard.
%
Experience is the exploration of inexperience
%
If someone else makes a mistake, don't imitate it
%
Wear goggles to a protest
%
Those who shout loudest comprehend least.
%
When reversing with a trailer and you want to straighten up, turn your steering wheel towards the wing mirror with the most amount of trailer in it
%
Remember that nobody thinks they are an asshole. If they seem that way to you then they are probably going through something tough right now.
%
Polish your shoes.
%
Wash your face and brush your hair, it will make you feel better
%
Never touch live wires, especially with wet hands... The results are really shocking
%
If in doubt, don't!
%
Keep It Simple, Stupid.
%
Don't be a dick.
%
Never pick your nose after scratching your butt!
%
It's clever to learn from your mistakes, it's wise to learn from other people's mistakes.
%
The grass may be greener over there because you’re not there fucking it up
%
The grass is greener on the side with most bullshit.
%
the grass may indeed be greener but you still have to mow it
%
the grass over there is probably greener than yours because someone is lovingly tending it.
%
Wear sunscreen. And hats. Don't follow the suntan fashion.
%
Life is not a rehearsal
%
Do not put you tongue on metal on the winter.
%
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel. That way, if unexpected guests arrive they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
%
Do not collect all the money in the world, and put a comma in an odd place in your will.
%
Never eat anything bigger than your own head
%
It's ok to screw up. But never screw up the same way twice. Be inventive!
%
Never be selfish but always do what you need to do for yourself
%
Never lend what you can't afford to lose.
%
Never own something you can’t afford to lose or break.
%
Ask for help.
%
Never carry ice cream in your pockets
> also fireworks
%
Never put your hand where you wouldn't put your willy.
> Vice versa works, too
%
Life's too short not to eat cake.
%
It is ok not to feel ok from time to time.
%
If you leave a problem alone, it will get solved eventually. You may die or go to prison, but that is a whole new problem.
%
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Always repeat.
%
Wear a vest
%
Always check inside your shoes before you put them on.
%
When in doubt or depressed: clean. You may still feel the same, but in a clean place.
%
Yes, bears do.
%
If you run 3 to 5 Km a day, surely in 5 years you will be very far from home.
%
Don’t listen to me... I haven’t got a clue!
%
Keep away from children
%
Not all dogs like humans
%
The bitter aftertaste of low quality lingers long after the sweetness of low price has faded.
%
Before you give yourself a hard time. Imagine saying those words to your best friend in that situation. See how mean those words are? Stop it
%
Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind.
%
Dont forget your mask
%
Always take advice, unless it's bad advice. So don't take advice, because you never know if it's good or not until you've taken it.
But this is advice.
Ignore existential conundrums.
But so many things are existential conundrums...
Damn.
Drink tea. And whisky. Sometimes together.
%
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
%
Never buy toilet cleaner and dishwashing soap with the same fragrance.
%
Spit into the wind if you want to get your own back
%
Look after your back
%
Don't die from preventable things.
%
Being polite is always worth the effort.
%
For any of you that might be about to go to university or who have kids/nieces/nephews/cousins that are...
I was given 2 wonderful bits of advice before going...
1. How hard you work for the next 3 or 4 years will determine how easy or difficult the next 40 or 50 will be, so don’t treat it like one big party.
2. Be *very* careful who you make friends with in the first couple of weeks... you don’t want to spend the rest of your time at uni trying to avoid them.
%
When faced with 2 bad choices, choose the one that makes the better story
%
When summoning a demon (as you do) you sacrifice the goat and deflower the virgin, never the other way around
%
Try not to follow the advice of the voices in your head.

> Mine are very helpful...

> Mine think they are, when they’re not arguing amongst themselves.
%
When seeking a bush to pee up in the dark, be sure it won’t bleat and run off.
%
Beware of strong drink for it can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss
- Robert Heinlein
%
Interpretive dance is not appropriate for business meetings.
%
A vacuum is not a sex toy.... or so I've been told.
%
In space, no one can hear you scream... 
... unless you leave your intercom on, yes they can.
%
Bananas are an excellent source of potassium
%
It's all shits and giggles, until someone giggles and shits.
%
never bolt a door with a boiled carrot
%
Never rush shaving your bikini line.
%
Never listen to the advice of people you don't want to end up as.
%
Everything in moderation - including moderation.
%
After ecstasy, the laundry.
%
The master in anything was once the beginner.
%
breathe, close your eyes take five deep breaths. It helps
%
Before you go on a date, get yourself off. That way you’re able to truly pay attention to your date and not just thinking about sex
%
Don't have a beer when you want a glass of wine.
%
Never turn your back on a boomerang!
%
Do not focus on the problem. Focus on the solution.
%
Sandpaper makes rubbish toilet paper.
%