Some kind of thing that does things with things.

event_catcher.php

<?php
namespace bpb;

$events = array(
  array(
    'name' => 'brennen',
    'dog'  => 'silent'
  ),
  array(
    'name' => 'suzy',
    'dog'  => 'bark',
  ),
  array(
    'name' => 'ralph',
    'dog'  => 'bark',
  )
);

foreach ($events as $event) {

  Check::out($event)
    ->where(array('name' => 'brennen'))
    ->call(function ($e) {
      print "got b.\n";
    })

    ->where(array('name' => 'ralph'))
    ->call(function ($e) {
      print "got r.\n";
    });

}

class Check {

  protected $_match = true;
  protected $_event = null;

  // syntax sugar
  public static function out (array $event)
  {
    return new self($event);
  }
  // ignore this

  public function __construct (array $event)
  {
    $this->_event = $event;
  }

  public function where (array $pattern)
  {
    $this->_match = true;
    foreach ($pattern as $field => $check) {
      if ($this->_event[$field] != $check) {
        $this->_match = false;
        break;
      }
    }

    return $this;
  }

  public function call ($callback)
  {
    if ($this->_match)
      $callback($this->_event);

    return $this;
  }

}