Ticker entries from Who Is The King Right Now

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10% rise in nation's goofuses and dinguses 
All furniture in the castle gain sentience, start singing 
“all subjects must listen to my podcast,” decries king 
Andy serkis still isn't recognized at the grocery store, even when he does the voice 
Area leaf missing 
Area man just stepped twice into the same river 
Area minks rise against their former child masters 
Area teen joins wolfpack 
Area teen plans intervention after dad's new moustache makes her friends uncomfortable 
Area tree blown by wind 
Boy dressed in rags eats an apple mockingly 
Breaking: all birds in kingdom now called flap flap fly flys 
Breaking: some people liked a thing, some people did not.  
Breaking: the cursed fountain is a normal fountain 
Breaking: village idiot has information about missing leaf 
Canned peas and salted pig on sale in traitor joesph's marketplace 
Capital is reckless of the health or length of life of the laborer, unless under compulsion from society 
Carriage gently rolls over cobblestone streets and anyone could be inside  
Castle ghosts rumored to be unionizing 
Castle guards investigate warlock orgy, report that it was awesome 
Chaos ensues after local man wears red t-shirt to target 
Children giggling in the distance is actually pretty sinister 
C-list celebrity plays cards against humanity 
Clouds reportedly appearing 
College freshman comes home for holidays, knows everything 
Construction on new catapult breaks ground near river of piss 
Cover fee waived for chunt's night in the vermillion minotaur 
Dark mark ignites unprecedented wizard panic 
Depressed man orders two entrees from chinese restaurant, eats both 
Dumbledore's giant mistake 
Enchanted rainbow over castle inspires tears 
Endearing old hermit shuffles down the road 
Everyone notices when area woman wears the same shirt twice in one week 
Experts say students justified laughing at “fingerling potatos.” 
Father of two announces favorite child 
Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to bad prequels 
Found: rusted dagger 
Gift horse looked directly in the mouth 
Glowing trunk wants some attention 
Grandmother willow spends thousands on in-app purchases 
Harry potter's secret heartache 
Have you guys seen star wars yet.  
He-who-must-not-be-named returns 
Hey, a lot of work went into enchanting this outhouse 
Isis kidnaps princess 
Is this a video or a picture. I think it's a picture. No wait, it's a video, I saw it move. 
Itunes updates 
Jaden smith leads kingdom in prayer 
Kindergartener successfully takes out adjustable rate mortgage. 
King announces poor children taste better than rich children 
King assures nation: I didn't eat all the potatoes 
King bans onions for reasons 
Kingdom's swamp creature announces idea for cool new start-up 
King eats too many cookies, regrets nothing 
Local idiot can't remember if shanghai is a city or a country 
Local lich single and ready to mingle 
Local wizard seen whistling innocently while walking away from purple fire 
Man nods along as if he understands maps 
Medieval times dinner and tournament not as fun as family remembers 
Middle aged man can't wait to be racist against robots 
Ministry of magic employee scoops grand prize 
Ministry seeks educational reform; dolores umbridge appointed first-ever “high inquisitor” 
Mysterious cloaked figure has a fucking badass sword 
Mysterious cloaked figure has the coolest sword in the tavern 
Mysterious winds from the east stir up a bunch of garbage and stuff 
Not by wrath does one kill but by laughter. Come, let us kill the spirit of gravity. 
Not enough potatoes this month 
Opinion: are butts the new face. Yes.  
Opinion: dragons don't kill people, people with dragons kill people 
Opinion: thank you, rain 
Orion's belt holds up orion's britches 
Penny for your thoughts yields 5% return on investment 
Plastic surgeons hate her. Meet the woman who methodically murders plastic surgeons 
Polar bear sighting! 
Potatoes doing ok 
Rain dance continues to yield rain 
Rita skeeter interviews harry potter 
Sale on vegan satchels! 
Scenes of terror at the quidditch world cup 
Scientists find cure for lycanthropy 
Shapeshifting badger orders mead with raspberry 
Sirius black sighted 
Sirius black still at large 
Snape kills dumbledore 
Social justice warrior knighted by the queen 
Social justice warrior tragically maimed in battle 
Source: jaden smith sighting near castle 
Steve from marketing puts bowl of weird magical candies on his desk 
Study: people will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that jaden smith said it first 
Stuttering king gives okay speech 
Tavern owner laughs gruffly while pouring mead 
That's the wrong size wrench 
The empty castle makes the greatest sound 
The root of suffering is attachment 
This elf probably has a side quest for you 
Threat level raised to “elevated” at castle 
Tired old wizard releases a tremendous sigh 
“wajooob, phffewaahh,” says lightsaber 
Wheel of destiny churns ever onward 
Why didn't you come to my baseball game, dad? 
Woman insists micropigs are real 
Woodland critters host a tea party in tree grove 
Words spoken found to be louder decibel than actions 
Young boy reaches for hilt of sword. It's vibrating.