whisper-large - https://twitter.com/rickygervais/status/1574081278236033024

whisper-large.txt

video: https://twitter.com/rickygervais/status/1574081278236033024

I'm gonna stand on the corner at midnight, trying to get my courage up. 
There was this long, lovely dancer in a little club downtown, loved to watch her do her stuff. 
As someone just said, what a tune. 
I'm on Main Street, Bob Seger, classic. 
So how are you? Where are you watching from? Dublin. 
You wanna know the score, you're already telling me. 
Michigan. 
Hello, how are you? I'm good. 
Thanks for asking. 
Having a good Sunday? I am having a good Sunday. 
I'm knackered. 
I'm knackered. 
I did two gigs this week in a row, that wiped me out. 
Well, obviously the main thing is my age, but also through the pandemic, I started getting up earlier. 
I went from an average of 9.30 for my whole life to 7.30. 
And I can't not get up now at 7.30. 
So after I do a gig, I've come home, I've tried to relax, I've had a few drinks, probably later than usual. 
I don't drink anymore, but I drink it later, if you know what I mean. 
And I wake up at 7.30 and I'm just, I'm exhausted and I've got to do a gig that night. 
And because I played the Wickham Swan, I stayed at our place nearby and I played tennis both days. 
So two gigs, two games of tennis. 
I couldn't walk yesterday, but I refuse not to do it just because it hurts. 
I've got to, I want to do it forever until I'm playing tennis in pain, which probably isn't the right thing to do. 
But what's the point? What's the point in just not being in pain, but not playing tennis? I'll take the, that's like life, isn't it? It's like a metaphor for life, that you've got to take the pain for the pleasure. 
So yeah, thanks for asking. 
Someone said that was your Sunday. 
Right, questions. 
Too many. 
Thank you, but too many. 
We won't get to them all, but I've been warm, isn't it? I've got a little hoodie on, which might be a mistake. 
I didn't want to show off my massive arms because I'm working out in case the government think that I'm sort of some sort of illegal experiment. 
They go, look at those arms, they're not natural. 
He's been taking gorilla genes. 
Look, it's on its last legs again. 
It's gone again. 
It's been mended twice. 
I don't know if I can go through it again. 
Oh, my arms, I did the workouts, there. 
Keena, who's your favourite philosopher and why? Oh my God. 
Well, there's so many amazing ones. 
I studied philosophy. 
I got a degree in philosophy, amazingly. 
And it's not that I've forgotten it all. 
I think I've remembered it all, if you know what I mean. 
I remember all the principles, but I can't remember who said what. 
I know a blob of philosophy, but I don't know. 
Doesn't matter, does it really? It doesn't matter who said what. 
But I think my favourite was probably Bertrand Russell because he sort of crossed over to modern times and applied his philosophy to things that meant something to me, not just principles of ethics and things like that, but specific things in our society, if that makes sense. 
Trent Bren Comedy. 
Facing my brain surgery, I was told to go to my happy place just before I was put under. 
What is your happy place? If you were asked, mine is at home with the family. 
Yeah, that's the first thing that springs to mind. 
Sort of from six o'clock onwards, when I'm not doing this, sitting on the couch, glass of wine, eat Netflix series, whatever we're watching at the time. 
The great thing about not just Netflix, but all sort of on demand stuff is you can try out a new thing or an old thing, and if it's not good, you stop it. 
You don't waste your time. 
And then within a few goes, you find an amazing series for a couple of weeks. 
So that's definitely... 
And tennis. 
Whatever day I've had, whatever stress or work, if I'm playing tennis, I forget it all for an hour. 
It's get that ball back over the net. 
So yeah, the cat's sitting on me again. 
She's just started doing that, Pickle. 
So yeah, that's good, sitting, laying down, watching Netflix. 
I've got a good recommendation, actually, another great series. 
Remind me. 
You can't remind me. 
Der Pass. 
It's a German. 
We've got the last one tonight of series two, and I know I'm going to be bereft. 
It's so good. 
It's so good. 
It's a German serial killer cop, complicated sort of morality tale. 
Acting, directing, the style is amazing. 
Beautiful. 
There you go. 
Astro Pictures. 
What is the most difficult aspect of writing a series that had to deal with such a heavy topic like afterlife? Well that, it was that. 
It was how can I make this funny? Because it was a comedy, but the subject matter and the pacing was obviously dramatic. 
So that was the challenge. 
I remember writing it. 
Can people laugh when they know this man has lost everything and his wife died of cancer and he's suicidal? And the answer is yes. 
If you do it right. 
But dealing with that, dealing with what happened to him as well was tricky. 
There was lots of ways to go. 
And I did feel a bit of a responsibility to not let him end it. 
So yeah. 
I won't give the spoilers in case you haven't. 
I'm sure you've watched it. 
But yeah. 
I won't say anything. 
Gunner and Andy. 
Although this is from Andy because it's a photo of Andy. 
And Andy says, I'm going to have a nap. 
Can you tell me a story to help me fall asleep? Did I mention I've got a degree in philosophy from a top university in the world for philosophy? But I'm now going to tell a story to a dog who's having a nap. 
It's got to be a short one, Andy. 
I'll tell you my favourite fable. 
That's short. 
I've tried to find this since. 
I heard it somewhere or read it somewhere. 
It's great. 
It's so poignant. 
It's like a metaphor for life. 
And it's got animals in it, Andy. 
So a lion, a big old lion, is dying. 
He's old. 
And he's sort of collapsed in the jungle. 
And it's the last moments of his life. 
And all the animals that were scared of him throughout his life as he reigned as king of the jungle, they gathered round. 
All the deer and the squirrels and the badgers and the raccoons. 
They all came round. 
They were laughing. 
They were going, ha ha, not so tough now, are you? And they were running up and touching him around the way. 
And they were all giggling and laughing. 
And with his last breath, he just went, but at least I was a lion once. 
I just think that is the most beautiful story ever. 
I think it's amazing. 
So yeah, Andy's asleep now. 
No meat, Pete. 
My eyes are stinging again, aren't they? Because I've just had a bubble bath. 
I never learn. 
I never learn. 
I'm trying to read that. 
I wonder how bad my eyes are now. 
Because when I tested them last time, about five years ago, I couldn't read the bottom line of the eye chart, right? I struggled with the second bottom line. 
So I don't know what it is now. 
But in every day now, I think I've got perfect eyesight. 
I haven't, but nothing bothers me. 
Do you know what I mean? After a bubble bath and I'm tired, what is this? It's like a therapy session for me, isn't it? Just whining about all my ailments. 
It's really, no people say, how are you? I used to go, I'm fine. 
But now I tell them. 
I'm sweating as well because I had a hot bath. 
And I put a woolly on. 
Right. 
No meat pee. 
If you were invited on a trip to the moon, would you go? No. 
Why? No. 
It's too far. 
It's too dangerous. 
I mean, you're helpless. 
You know, what would I do if something went wrong? There's nothing to see, is there? I've went to the moon. 
Did you? Right. 
So? No. 
I'm not putting down the people that have, it's amazing. 
It's amazing that we can get there. 
It's an incredible human. 
Don't get me wrong. 
It's not for me though. 
I talk about this in Armageddon about space travel, which is going well. 
Thanks for asking. 
Last few warm ups. 
And then the actual, the first real one, I think is in November. 
Yeah. 
But it's really getting there. 
My favorite one so far. 
Claire, what's your favorite season and why? I like now. 
I mean, listen, there's great bits in all of them and I like the change. 
I do like, I like seasons full stop. 
I like, I like, a depressing winter can get too much, can't it? A long, cold, rainy January and February and I go, ah, why can't we sort this weather out? You can't win there and you go, oh, summer's too hot, isn't it? But I really like, I really like this, this late 65 degrees, sunny 65 degrees, leaves falling. 
This is, this is just about perfect for me. 
So late summer, early autumn, I'd say. 
Rachel, I would like to know what's the worst food you've got served as a kid. 
Mine was Finder's crispy pancakes. 
Good plug there, innit? I'm not going to get sponsored by them then, am I? I thought mum had given me cardboard parcels. 
What's the worst food? Sorry, I'm too hot. 
Well, my mum used to sort of do it to order, really. 
There was never a time when there wasn't like, cheese in the fridge, baked goods in the pantry. 
There was always cakes that she made. 
She would make them on a Sunday, everything on a Sunday and the bath would be like full of cold water and she'd have trifles, trifle setting and put in blamange and then just cakes. 
She'd do it all and they'd last us the week. 
So there was always, there was always cakes, always cheese in the big blocks of cheese. 
Chips every day, there was always, she always has her fryer going. 
So I had like kids food whenever I wanted. 
I think she gave up saying, eat one, Brussels. 
So yeah, I don't think I ever, if I didn't like some of it, I wouldn't eat it. 
She tried everything. 
What's the worst thing? What's the worst thing she's made me eat? In my head now it would be meat, the thought of that, but not at the time. 
But yeah, I remember I was always a bit screamish about meat. 
Yeah, it would be that, anything like, when I ate meat, anything like if I saw a vein or a bit of fat or something like that. 
Oh, fucking hell. 
It used to prepare things from scratch as well, so I saw the like the, throwing away the chicken giblets. 
It sounds like I was brought up in the war, doesn't it? Right, Doris, would you consider a series acting role? I think you'd make a fabulous serial killer back in the past. 
I would, but I don't take any role. 
I always think I'm not in charge here. 
I'm not in charge. 
I'll do a cameo. 
I think that's what I should put out to casting directors and directors. 
If you're working in England, right, near London, or a place near a five-star hotel, I'll do a couple of days on it. 
But I can't do things, most of them I don't want to do, half of them I don't want to do, half of them I don't want to travel. 
Half of them they're too long, half of them I'm doing something, so it just narrows down. 
There's chances of me doing something that isn't my own, even my own thing. 
Like Netflix aboard my next series. 
I've got it down to two things, but I'm loving stand-up so much because I do it when I want. 
So unless someone calls me up and says, listen, we're shooting down the road, it's one day's filming, you have to come in, be a serial killer, chop up a fake body, you've been owned by four, yeah, I'll do it. 
Million dollars. 
Otherwise, I'm on the couch. 
Lesley, in your opinion, your work so far, including Armageddon, I know it's hard to choose, which moments have been one, your proudest, two, your most emotional, three, funniest, four, gave you the best buzz? Proudest moment. 
I think Derek, doing Derek, because even before people had seen it, they were already saying you shouldn't be doing this, this is crazy, this is a terrible idea. 
So I'm proud of that. 
I'm proud of not taking their advice. 
That could be bad. 
If someone says to me, oh, you can't do that, I take that as a challenge. 
That doesn't break my spirit or worry about it. 
That's good advice. 
I just think, well, hold my pint. 
So, could be terrible, could be terrible advice, but that's just what I think. 
That excites me. 
If someone says you can't do that, I go, oh, brilliant, let's have a go. 
So Derek, I think most emotional, the dog scene in Derek, and a couple of times in Afterlife, I think a couple of things on the bench with Penelope Wilton and with my wife on the computer, there's one bit at the end of two, I think is pretty, that was emotional. 
I think dog in Derek would be number one, then about three or four scenes in Afterlife. 
Funniest, Derek in the caravan. 
I mean, lots of things with David Earl are impossible, but I thought I was going to burst a lung with that scene that was cut with Derek and Kev showing Derek around the caravan, talking about getting Janice in. 
If she was reversing, no one would stand a bloody chance. 
Just impossible. 
And that outtake with Ratty in the nonce, even though I knew it was coming half the time, it was just so ridiculous. 
It's when you become aware of how ridiculous it is, how ridiculous this is to be filming this, and that you're getting paid for it, and it's going to go on the telly. 
I think of all the people watching it going, why is this funny? That really, really makes me laugh. 
So just saying to them, obviously I do it for the people who like it, but I also do it for the people who go, how did this get on telly? That really, really excites me. 
Gave you the best buzz. 
Lots of things really, when you nail a scene. 
The Golden Globes, probably the last Golden Globes. 
I can't remember if that was at the time. 
I was excited to do it. 
If I did it well, I knew it was good. 
And then after, I think doing that last, the last time I did it, that monologue in front of all those people, it might be that. 
Bella, thirsty, stingy eyes, hot, tired. 
Just whining, just whinging. 
Bella, one time I found a really good stick, but I chewed it too hard, then it broke in half, which was disappointing, until I realised that I had two really good sticks. 
That's great. 
What a great philosophy, Bella. 
I often think of Bella when I find a good stick. 
I always walk with a stick now, just in case I meet a dog who likes it. 
There's one dog in particular called Atom, who when he comes round the corner, he sees the stick, he runs over for the stick. 
That makes my Danny. 
He's happy. 
He runs a little bit faster when he sees I've got a stick. 
That makes my Danny, which is weird, isn't it? What's the best buy one, get one free offer you've ever taken advantage of? We used to do loads. 
When we had no money, sometimes there were like, in a little safe way, at the end of the day, they'd sometimes do our price of two for one. 
Also, the Sunday before a bank holiday, when they weren't open, they didn't used to be open. 
We used to get there and just try and get as much stuff as we could. 
Two big pies for three pounds or something. 
We were in a bar once, LA, and it was happy hour, and we were eating. 
It was two for one. 
So we thought, brilliant, half price. 
So we went in and they went, no, you've got to have two each. 
I just ordered two for me and two for the note. 
So me and Jane had to eat four massive meals. 
So there's no advantage there. 
That's no advantage, is it? Because I didn't want that. 
I was thinking, is there a homeless person I can give one to? Somebody just sort of wasted it. 
That's mad. 
Two for one, but you don't want the other one. 
And you've got to eat it now. 
There's no advantage in it. 
You can't take it home with a plate of fucking burger and chips. 
So yeah, when supermarkets used to mark stuff down. 
Good question, Bella. 
Philly-Ann, I know you're a good artist. 
And she's posted a picture of a painting of mine, which is pretty good, but that's rare. 
I'm not a good artist. 
It's rare. 
It's luck. 
It annoys me that I can't do what I want. 
But then sometimes I find it and I go, oh, that's, God, don't touch a thing. 
What's your favourite thing to draw or paint? I sort of like, I like nearly, nearly abstract scapes. 
I like skies and ground. 
Does that make sense? I wish I could paint properly. 
You get better, but I still feel it's a bit of luck. 
Not with great, not with real artists, but with me. 
Even if it comes out good, I go, oh, that's great. 
But it seemed like a, you know, I paint like a cat. 
Rob, when the money started rolling in, did you ever buy yourself a go-kart to replace the one your dad swapped for a wheelbarrow? Do you know what? I'd rather have a wheelbarrow now. 
He was right, in a way, wasn't he? Definitely rather have a wheelbarrow now. 
Do you ever do that? Like you go to a hardware store. 
I have this thought, I go, I wish I needed some of this. 
What sort of ambition is that? I wish I needed some of this stuff. 
I want a sort of an apocalypse bunker with all stuff like that. 
You know, just drawers of like batteries and gaffer tape. 
Globe. 
Wire. 
Wires. 
Ah. 
Now I'm holding out for a, there's a drone bike, it's not on the market yet, but it's like a motorbike and it goes up and it's got the drone, sort of they're built in as well, so it's not like three or four propellers, it are. 
I showed Jane things like that, like there's just jetpack, the globe going round like that. 
I go, look at that. 
Jane goes dead. 
That's what she just, she just goes dead. 
She's got a point. 
Right. 
Brenda and Ziggy. 
You love New York and have a house there, but is there another place in the world that you think, yay, that'll be the perfect place for me, Jane and Pickle. 
Amsterdam. 
We've even looked at some of the boats. 
That'd be amazing, wouldn't it? Amsterdam, Copenhagen. 
Yeah, I think Europe. 
I think probably Europe. 
Yeah, one of those. 
New York, Amsterdam. 
London, New York, Amsterdam. 
Welsh Felix. 
Just want you to wish Cherry and Leopold happy birthday for tomorrow. 
Happy birthday, Cherry and Leopold. 
Bev, are you going to do a new series, Loved Afterlife? Well, yeah, but not yet. 
Once I'm touring, then I can start thinking about the next, once Armageddon is absolutely flying, I don't have to think about it again, if you know what I mean. 
It's sort of like you just do it like you're in a play that night and you've got your days free. 
So I will. 
Yeah, I will. 
Sarah, are there any places, countries that you haven't toured that you really want to? Well, I'd like to see everywhere. 
I'd like to see the whole world. 
It's just like packing a bag, getting a ticket. 
Yeah, I'd love to. 
I'd love to tour Australia, but they're so far away, aren't they? It's such a long way away. 
I'll give myself two hours travel. 
That's my... 
That's as long as I ever... 
Branson was working on a thing that shot you up in the air into space and down to Sydney in two hours. 
I was going to let someone else try it first, Mariah Carey, and then if it was safe, I was going to do it. 
Right. 
What a load of shit that was. 
Thanks for following. 
Is that picture blurred or is my eyesight going? Oh, God. 
Yeah, be nice to animals. 
Vote for Afterlife at the National TV Awards. 
What else? Yeah, look out for tickets. 
I might come to your town one day on my drone bike. 
Tati bye, everyone. 
Tati bye.