A simple experiment with coffeescript, writing a hubot script with random west wing quotes...

west_wing.coffee

# Description:
#   West Wing Quotes
#
# Dependencies:
#   None
#
# Configuration:
#   None
#
# Commands:
#   hubot west wing - Returns a random West Wing quote.
#
# Author:
#   chris keller


quote = [
    "C.J.: Is there anything I can say other than \"The President rode his bicycle into a tree?\"\n
    Leo: He hopes never to do it again.\n
    C.J.: Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.\n
    Leo: He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J. What do you want me to – \"The president, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop.\" What do you want from me?\n
    C.J.: A little love, Leo."

    "Bartlet: Listen, I know we're here for a serious purpose, for a sober purpose, but I wanted to say I've never been a part of a street gang before, and that's basically what we are – a pretty well-financed one – but anyway, I wanted to say it feels good, and I think when we're done with this meeting, I think we should go out and get girls, and I don't know, maybe knock over a fruit stand or something."

    "Debbie: At my last job, the background check wasn't nearly as extensive...\n
    Sam: You have a button on your phone, a crash button.\n
    Debbie: Hmm?\n
    Sam: You have a crash button which will bring the Secret Service in instantly and turn your office into a live microphone which will be broadcast all over the building. It's the button you push if someone's trying to take the Oval Office. This isn't your last job."

    "Bartlet: ...\'Joy cometh in the morning,\' scripture tells us. I hope so. I don\'t know if life would be worth living if it didn\'t. And I don\'t yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison State. I don\'t know if it\'s one person or ten, and I don\'t know what they want. All I know for sure, all I know for certain, is that they weren\'t born wanting to do this. There\'s evil in the world, there\'ll always be, and we can\'t do anything about that. But there\'s violence in our schools, too much mayhem in our culture, and we can do something about that. There\'s not enough character, discipline, and depth in our classrooms; there aren\'t enough teachers in our classrooms. There isn\'t nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms, and we can do something about that. We\'re not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well, and we can do better, and we must do better, and we will do better, and we will start this moment today! They weren\'t born wanting to do this."

    "Jordan: All I meant by \'cloak and dagger\' is that I\'m not cut out for the security meetings and the secret this and the back channel ambassadors. It\'s like you\'re in the Mafia.\n
    Leo: Well, it may be like I\'m in the Mafia, but I\'m not. I work for the good guys.\n
    Jordan: It was one sentence. The problem was that you were never at the other end of the phone.\n
    Leo: That\'s an entirely different kettle of beans and we can have that discussion, but history has shown if you just wait and tell it to a divorce lawyer you can have half of my stuff.\n
    Jordan: I don\'t want your stuff.\n
    Leo: You don\'t know; some of it\'s good stuff."

    "Donna: We\'re here!\n
    Josh: You know, everybody\'s really over that now.\n
    CJ: Admiral Scott! Your expedition\'s returned!\n
    Toby: Are they over it?\n
    Josh: Yeah.\n
    Bruno: Barnum, Bailey, and their sister Sue!\n
    Josh: They\'re almost over it."

    "Josh: We run the risk of alienating...\n
    Bartlet: Heroin addicts?\n
    Josh: Liberals.\n
    Bartlet: Whatever."

    "Bartlet: Mike, pick yourself out a daughter. My oldest is married, but I can have it annulled. The Pope said he\'d do it, I swear to God.\n
    Casper: That\'s very friendly of you, sir. Thank you."

    "Bartlet: It\'s not even the number of debates, as much as the format. Two-minute response followed by a one-minute reply. That\'s not a debate. That\'s not a debate! It\'s a joint press conference.\n
    C.J.: What is really the difference between one debate and two debates?\n
    Toby: \"What\'s the diff–\"! It\'s a whole other debate! It\'s a second debate! It\'s 100% more debate!"

    "Charlie: Can you make a run to the staff secretary\'s office? Ella\'s not there, but someone should be. Make sure you just take what needs to be signed today. They\'re gonna try to give you a whole stack, and right there\'s where you become a man.\n
    Emily: Should I use sex as a tactic?\n
    Charlie: If you need to. Hell, even if you just want to."

    "Bartlet: [to Leo] Honey, if we\'re going to have this fight, can we not do it in front of the Joint Chiefs? It just scares the hell out of them."

    "Toby: A couple of things. I need you to look at a couple of answers on defense readiness. I need concrete examples of waste in Pentagon procurement. We need two more members of the IRC for post spin. I need you to fill out this marriage license and paperwork for a joint checking account and review this 60-second answer on Rwanda.\n
    Andy: Okay, okay, okay and um, under no circumstances, and sure.\n
    Toby: See, by my count, you said under no circumstances to the IRC post spin and sure...\n
    Andy: I said under no circumstances to marrying you again.\n
    Toby: May I ask why?\n
    Andy: I have the unique experience of having done it once before."

    "Sam: What\'s going on with you and Andy?\n
    Toby: Nothing.\n
    Sam: I think you\'re wrong.\n
    Toby: I\'m not.\n
    Sam: I think you\'re getting back together.\n
    Toby: We\'re not.\n
    Sam: But you want to.\n
    Toby: Yes.\n
    Sam: I think... Wait. What?\n
    Toby: See, sometimes if I slam on the brakes, you run right past."

    "Josh: Okay, fill us in on everything you\'ve got so far between the two of you.\n
    Toby: Yeah, that\'s what\'s going to happen right now."

    "Mrs. Landingham: We\'re choosing pictures from the collection at the National Gallery.\n
    Bartlet: They\'ll loan stuff?\n
    Mrs. Landingham: Anything you want in the National Gallery or the whole Smithsonian.\n
    Bartlet: Really?\n
    Mrs. Landingham: Yeah.\n
    Bartlet: I want Apollo 11.\n
    Mrs. Landingham: Well, you can\'t have that.\n
    Bartlet: Then don\'t bother me."

    "Charlie: Josh and Sam talked to me. I\'m on board.\n
    Toby: With what?\n
    Charlie: Team Toby.\n
    Toby: See, I lent voice to thought and that was my mistake.\n
    Charlie: If you want to marry Andy, then, damn it, so do I...\n
    Toby: Okay.\n
    Charlie: ...want that, you know, to happen to you.\n
    Toby: I get it.\n
    Charlie: Do you? Because this is about love.\n
    Toby: I think you have a different motivation.\n
    Charlie: Laughs?\n
    Toby: Yes.\n
    Charlie: Sure, but also as much love, really, as I think either one of us are comfortable with."

    "Josh: Ten words: \"I will make America\'s defenses the strongest in the history of the world.\"\n
    Leo: \"In the history of the world?\" When we say that, are we comparing ourselves to the Visigoths, adjusted for inflation?"

    "Gov. Ritchie: My view of this is simple: we don\'t need a Federal Department of Education telling us our children have to learn Esperanto, they have to learn Eskimo poetry. Let the states decide, let the communities decide on health care, on education, on lower taxes, not higher taxes. Now, he\'s going to throw a big word at you - \"unfunded mandate.\" He\'s going to say if Washington lets the states do it, it\'s an unfunded mandate. But what he doesn\'t like is the federal government losing power. But I call it the ingenuity of the American people.\n
    Moderator: President Bartlet, you have 60 seconds for a question and an answer.\n
    Bartlet: Well, first of all, let\'s clear up a couple of things. \"Unfunded mandate\" is two words, not one big word. There are times when we\'re fifty states and there are times when we\'re one country, and have national needs. And the way I know this is that Florida didn\'t fight Germany in World War II or establish civil rights. You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That\'s a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year - from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. Now, I\'m supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?\n
    Josh: Game on!"

    "Moderator: Governor Ritchie, many economists have stated that the tax cut, which is the centerpiece of your economic agenda, could actually harm the economy. Is now really the time to cut taxes?\n
    Gov. Ritchie: You bet it is. We need to cut taxes for one reason - the American people know how to spend their money better than the federal government does.\n
    Moderator: Mr. President, your rebuttal.\n
    Bartlet: There it is. That\'s the ten word answer my staff\'s been looking for for two weeks. There it is. Ten-word answers can kill you in political campaigns. They\'re the tip of the sword. Here\'s my question: What are the next ten words of your answer? Your taxes are too high? So are mine. Give me the next ten words. How are we going to do it? Give me ten after that, I\'ll drop out of the race right now. Every once in a while... every once in a while, there\'s a day with an absolute right and an absolute wrong, but those days almost always include body counts. Other than that, there aren\'t very many unnuanced moments in leading a country that\'s way too big for ten words. I\'m the President of the United States, not the President of the people who agree with me. And by the way, if the left has a problem with that, they should vote for somebody else."

    "Gov. Ritchie: Now, I want people to work together in this great country, and that\'s what I did in Florida—I brought people together—and that\'s what I\'ll do as your President. End the logjam, end the gridlock, and bring Republicans together with Democrats, \'cause Americans are tired of partisan politics.\n
    Bartlet: Actually, what you\'ve done in Florida is bring the right together with the far right. And I don\'t think Americans are tired of partisan politics; I think they\'re tired of hearing career politicians diss partisan politics to get a gig. I\'ve tried it before. They ain\'t buying it. That\'s okay, though...that\'s okay, though, \'cause partisan politics is good. Partisan politics is what the Founders had in mind. It guarantees that the minority opinion is heard, and as a lifelong possessor of minority opinions, I appreciate it. But if you\'re troubled by it, Governor, you should know, in this campaign, you\'ve used the word \'liberal\' 74 times. In one day. It was yesterday.\n
    Toby: I\'m not sure I can watch anymore...no, wait, I can. I can."

    "Will: Sixty percent is 6 of 10 in a focus group. You change one mind, it\'s a dead heat. You change two, it\'s a landslide. This campaign\'s a mechanism of persuasion. We\'re not asking for a show of hands."

    "Sam: You wrote a concession?\n
    Toby: Of course I wrote a concession. What, do you want to tempt the wrath of the... whatever, from high atop the thing?\n
    Sam: No.\n
    Toby: Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What\'s the hell is the matter with you?\n
    Sam: It\'s like, 25 degrees outside.\n
    Toby: Go!\n
    Sam: Did you know Toby wrote a concession speech?\n
    Josh: Of course he wrote a concession speech. What possible reason would he have for not writing a concession speech?\n
    Sam: The wrath from high atop the thing?\n
    Toby: He upped and said we were gonna...\n
    Josh: No! You gotta go outside, turn around three times and curse.\n
    Toby: Spit.\n
    Josh: Spit and curse.\n
    Toby: Do everything.\n
    Josh: Go!\n
    Toby: Go!
    Josh and Toby: GO!\n
    CJ: Did you—?\n
    Sam: Yes, I turned, I cursed, I spat, it froze."

    "C.J.: [to Toby] Listen, I know better than to stick my face in your personal life. Except, you know, for sport."

    "Abbey: That was wonderful!\n
    Bartlet: That was fun.\n
    Abbey: How you feeling?\n
    Bartlet: I feel great.\n
    Abbey: You want a glass of water?\n
    Bartlet: No, I\'m fine.\n
    Abbey: You seem a little dry. Sure you don\'t want a glass of water?\n
    Bartlet: No, I feel great.\n
    Abbey: Maybe I should get you a glass of water, just in case. You could hold it in your hand.\n
    Bartlet: [pause] How\'d you know?\n
    Abbey: You were off the prompter.\n
    Bartlet: [A little teary] Just for a second, I couldn\'t see it.\n
    Abbey: It\'s all right. There are going to be more days like this. It starts now. It\'s going to be harder this time.\n
    Bartlet: Yeah, I know. We can still have tonight, though, right?\n
    Abbey: [fighting tears; smiles] You\'ve got lots of nights."

    "Sam: She wanted a name for election night and I said, \"Use my name,\" not thinking for a second it was ever going to be a practical option. Can I ask, is your office now The House of the Rising Sun?\n
    CJ: Yes.\n
    Toby: You did it for the widow.\n
    Sam: Yes, and for a guy I met named Will Bailey who was running the campaign and worked his ass off and never backed off and, by the way, navigated a dead liberal Democrat to a win against Chuck Webb! Five hundred races tonight, that was pretty impressive. Though it was an Aristotelian confluence of events that could only happen to me."

    "Bartlet: I don\'t want to intimidate you, but it turns out I\'m the first Democrat in twenty years to make a clean sweep of the Plains states. And I\'m not just talking about Iowa and Nebraska.\n
    Abbey: Are you trying to turn me on now?\n
    Bartlet: Yeah.\n
    Abbey: All right.***
    Bartlet: I won the Dakotas, the Badlands, the Black Hills... But let\'s go down, way down, to the Deep South and the humid bayou of Louisiana and its nine electoral votes. What manner of man it must take to win the state, which, by the way, is the only one operating under the Napoleonic Code of France. And I still don\'t know what that\'s all about, but back to me...***
    Abbey: Hon, this is like, nerd hot talk.***
    Bartlet: Who\'s your Commander in Chief?***
    Abbey: You are."

    "Bartlet: You\'re young, Charlie. Don\'t you want to be having fun right now?\n
    Charlie: Yes, sir. But I work for you.\n
    Bartlet: I get that a lot."

    "CJ: We\'re all impressed with how influential you were, particularly when you consider that most of us have never met you! But what I\'m most grateful for is the process story, which takes attention from the debate, and focuses it where it belongs, which is the contest. This is the story everyone\'ll be clamoring for and I like that you\'re filling that need. And to show my gratitude, I\'m calling all the major news outlets and letting them know that I\'ll be forwarding all your confidential memos to the President, logs of all your calls with him, Secret Service logs of your meetings inside the White House.\n
    Chris: I really pissed you off, huh?\n
    CJ: Don\'t disrespect Leo McGarry and Bruno Gianelli."

    "Bruno: I\'m just simply going to kill you.\n
    CJ: She seems nice.\n
    Bruno: That is the brunette, named Annette.\n
    CJ: Wouldn\'t you give anything if she was from Tibet?\n
    Bruno: I\'m actually fine with her being from Philadelphia, so please state your business."

    "Bartlet: [loudly] Debbie! First of all where the hell are you and where are my–?\n
    Debbie: [enters with glasses] Right here, Mr. President. And the Ipswitch clams in Chesapeake Bay can hear you bellowing right now.\n
    Bartlet: Ipswich clams don\'t come from Chesapeake Bay, they come from Ipswich.\n
    Debbie: Not anymore.\n
    Bartlet: [to Leo] Have her beheaded for my birthday."

    "Bartlet: This meeting doesn\'t go in the Sit Room anymore, okay? I don\'t know why the hell it\'s here. This isn\'t a military operation.\n
    Leo: It\'s a secure room.\n
    Bartlet: My office is a secure room, too, isn\'t it? Please, somebody tell me it is or I gotta go pack some stuff."

    "Bartlet: Charlie! Would you pull the first lady out of whatever it is she\'s doing?\n
    Charlie: She\'s with the women\'s caucus.\n
    Bartlet: Well put on a helmet and pads and get in there."

    "Abbey: Samuel Mudd set Booth\'s leg after he shot Lincoln. Doctors are liable in this country if they don\'t treat the patient in front of them.\n
    Bartlet: Just for the record, this is why we don\'t talk about foreign policy, which we do, but you don\'t think we do enough.\n
    Abbey: Why?\n
    Bartlet: Because Samuel Mudd was tried and convicted of treason for setting that leg.\n
    Abbey: So?\n
    Bartlet: What \'so\'?\n
    Abbey: So that\'s the way it goes. You set the leg."

    "Bartlet: Run towards yourself. I\'m wrong about that - walk. You\'re not going to be used to your surroundings.\n
    Sam: Yes, sir.\n
    Bartlet: If you lose, you lose. But if you waste this, I\'ll kill you."

    "Toby: Call and response isn\'t going to work in front of a Joint Session. You\'re alliteration happy: \'guardians of gridlock,\' \'protectors of privilege.\' I needed an avalanche of Advil. And when you use pop-culture references, your speech has a shelf life of twelve minutes. You don\'t mind constructive criticism, do you?\n
    Will: No, sir.\n
    Toby: Anyway, thanks for coming in. I told Sam I can do this by myself.\n
    Will: Well, maybe he thought that your speeches were obscurantist policy tracts lost in a cul-de-sac of their own internal self-righteousness and groaning from the weight of statistics. I\'m just speculating. I can\'t say for sure.\n
    Toby: [pause; laughs to himself] A 500-word stanza on American leadership in a globally interdependent age that moves beyond triumphalism by this time tomorrow. If it\'s 501, don\'t show it to me."

    "Charlie: You want me to have the President dodge a call from the UN Secretary-General and not know why?\n
    Leo: Yeah. Can you swing that?\n
    Charlie: If I could, that would be troubling, wouldn\'t it?"

    "Toby: [to Leo] You\'re like the guys who say, \'Are you telling me you could only find one African-American speechwriter good enough to work at the White House?\' I\'m amazed I found that many. \'Good enough to work at the White House\' is a pretty small population to begin with. And guys who can write entire sections of a State of the Union? I\'d be as surprised if there were as many as nine of us. And Sam was one of them."

    "Toby: This is incredibly good... Will. \'Never shrinking from the world\'s...\' \'...a fierce belief in what we can achieve together.\' I used to write like this. It was ten months ago. I don\'t understand what\'s going on. I really don\'t. I\'ve had slumps before. Everybody does, but this is different. I\'m sorry, we don\'t know each other, but there aren\'t that many people I can talk to about it. I don\'t understand what\'s happening. There\'s no blood going to it. I never had to locate it before. I don\'t even know where to look. I\'m the President\'s voice and I don\'t want it to sound like this. And there\'s an incredible history to second Inaugurals. \'Fear itself,\' Lincoln...I really thought I was on my way to being one of those guys. I thought I was close. Now I\'m just writing for my life and you can\'t serve the President that way. But if I didn\'t write...I can\'t serve him at all.\n
    Will: Yeah. Can I tell you three things? You are more in need of a night in Atlantic City than any man I\'ve ever met. Number two is, the last thing you need to worry about is no blood going there. You\'ve got blood going there, about thirteen ways. And some of it isn\'t good. Once again, I say, \'Atlantic City.\' I\'d say sit down at a table, go for dinner, see a show take a walk on the boardwalk and smell the salt air... but if you\'re anything like me, nothing after \'sit down at a table\' is going to happen.\n
    Toby: What\'s the third thing?\n
    Will: You are one of those guys."

    "Leo: When you order a guy to go fight, the guy can’t think it’s because you’re sleeping with his wife.\n
    Bartlet: You’re right.\n
    Leo: That’s…That’s an unusual phrase for you sir, did you just learn it?\n
    Bartlet: Well you didn’t let me finish.\n
    Leo: I had a hunch."

    "Will: Seriously, Toby, you put me in that office and everyone who works on the speech-writing staff is gonna resent me.\n
    Toby: Don\'t be ridiculous. It\'s a West Wing office. Everyone who works in the White House is gonna resent you."

    "Zoey: My dad\'s going to love him.\n
    Charlie: Oh, yeah.\n
    Zoey: Well, I love him, so my father will love him.\n
    Charlie: That\'s absolutely the way it works."

    "Zoey: So I have to ask you and I\'m nervous, but I\'d like Jean Paul to come stay with us in Manchester this Christmas.\n
    Bartlet: Zoey, I think it\'s really sweet that you still come to me for permission. You\'re classy and you\'re old-fashioned.\n
    Zoey: So it\'s okay?\n
    Bartlet: Not in a million years."

    "Toby: [to Will] Listen, when you get home tonight you\'re going to be confronted by the instinct to drink alone. Trust that instinct. Manage the pain. Don\'t try to be a hero."

    "Josh: Danny thinks w-we somehow got a Gulfstream to land in Bermuda, assassinated Shareef, then disassembled the plane and distributed the pieces throughout the Bermuda Triangle?\n
    C.J.: Yeah.\n
    Josh: I think he spent too much time in the Africa hot.\n
    C.J.: The thing is...\n
    Josh: Yeah?\n
    C.J.: I\'m absolutely certain that\'s what happened."

    "Bartlet: It\'s the curse of every daughter\'s father.\n
    Charlie: Boyfriends?\n
    Bartlet: I don\'t like them, I don\'t like them at all.\n
    Charlie: Yes, I know sir.\n
    Bartlet: What the hell happened with you two? It was perfect. I just kept you in the office all the time.\n
    Charlie: Well, she was unhappy that I was at the office all the time.\n
    Bartlet: That was the point. If I was trying to make her happy, I\'d buy her a Cabriolet."

    "Bartlet: I like your sass.\n
    CJ: You\'ve got a very nice sass yourself... sir.\n
    Bartlet: What, are you touring?\n
    CJ: I could."

    "Bartlet: Mr. McGarry, Mr. Ziegler, Mr. Lyman, Miss Cregg. It\'s the Temptations! I love you guys!\n
    Leo: You only think you\'ve heard everything, but you haven\'t.\n
    Bartlet: Hit me.\n
    Leo: Toby.\n
    Toby: James Hoebuck will vote yea ten-thirty if we give him $115,000.\n
    Bartlet: Million?\n
    Josh: Thousand. $115,000.\n
    Bartlet: For an RV? What\'s he want?\n
    Leo: An NIH study on remote prayer.\n
    Bartlet: I like it. There should be a button on my desk I can press and forty-nine people instantly pray for me."

    "Danny: We cut farm assistance in Colombia. Every single crop we developed was replaced with cocaine. We cut aid for primary education in northwest Pakistan and Egypt; the kids went to madrassahs. Why weren\'t you making a case that Republican senators are bad on drugs, and bad on national security? Why are Democrats always so bumfuzzled? By the way, sixty-five more flight schools today. Maisy hasn\'t found your guy. Don\'t worry. There are thousands more.\n
    CJ: You know something there, General Tso? If you had a story, you\'d write it. If you don\'t have one, shut up. We just lost a vote. We\'re not bumfuzzled. Now if you\'ll excuse me, I have to cancel a photo op with a goat."

    "Donna: You took funding for remote prayer to the President?\n
    Josh: I did it with gusto.\n
    Donna: That\'s \'cause you don\'t know the story of Fishhooks McCarty.\n
    Josh: Is this a real person or a Donna person?\n
    Donna: Corrupt politician on the Lower East Side in the \'20s. Every morning he stopped at the St. James Church on Oliver Street and said the same prayer, \"O Lord, give me health and strength. We\'ll steal the rest.\"\n
    Josh: Not that there needs to be, but... was there a point?\n
    Donna: You\'ve got health and strength, both of which, coincidentally, I prayed for after hot lead was shot into your body.\n
    Josh: Yeah... You\'re going to need some Kryptonite, by the way.\n
    Donna: Okay, settle down.\n
    Josh: All right.\n
    Donna: So you\'ve got health and strength.\n
    Josh: And we\'ll steal the rest?\n
    Donna: Bet your ass.\n
    Josh: All right. Good work tonight."

    "C.J.: [on the phone] No, I didn\'t mean that you have no social skills, Toby... I\'m sorry if you think I was being insensitive to your... I think you\'re very... you\'re a very pretty girl, Toby.\n
    C.J.: Dad... you... cannot expect me to silently do nothing. You\'re going to require care.\n
    Tal: I wasn\'t built for it. You came for the prom, not for this.\n
    C.J.: Reunion. I\'m not going.\n
    Tal: Coward. That world, the expertise, the solicitude, no. No, thanks. I want to go down with some silence, with my music, with some grace.\n
    C.J.: I\'ll quit and take care of you.\n
    Tal: \'We sail,\' said Pascal, \'in a vast sphere,\' Claudia Jean, \'ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end.\' I\'d much rather see you on TV, darling, than sitting opposite me, watching a demolition derby going on in my brain."

    "Bartlet: I have a problem.\n
    Josh: Well, you\'re about to propose the most massive shift in foreign policy since the Marshall Plan and it\'s going to be wildly unpopular.\n
    Bartlet: All right: two problems."

    "Bryce: This President can\'t write himself a blank check when it comes to foreign policy. Especially this President.\n
    Will: \'Especially this President?\'\n
    Bryce: Yes.\n
    Will: Because of the clause in Article 1 that says not every President gets the full powers of Commander-in-Chief?\n
    Bryce: Are you re-writing the section [of the speech]?\n
    Will: Yes.\n
    Bryce: Dramatically?\n
    Will: Well, I like to think that I have a certain flair..."

    "Toby: I throw a rubber ball against the window; that means you come to me. As my frustration level grows, so does the velocity of the ball against the window.\n
    Will: Don\'t you ever worry about the window breaking?\n
    Toby: During moments of peak frustration: when the Speaker of the House threatened to repeal the 16th Amendment, a couple of Yankee games, and when Congress censured my boss...but it\'s always held up, that window; that window is a game-day player."

    "CJ: [to Carol] Stop trying to get us together, okay? If I wanted Danny I could have him. And he\'s still a jackass from the foreign-ops vote and many other things, so tell him I\'m getting my hair done.\n
    Danny: Your hair looks great.\n
    CJ: [to Carol] There was no way you could tell me he was right behind me? You couldn\'t fit that in?"

    "Toby: This language proposes a new doctrine for the use of force! That we use force, whenever we see an injustice we want to correct: like Mother Teresa with first-strike capability!\n
    Will: Damn right!"

    "Will: I heard once - I don\'t know if this is true - I heard once that you convinced the President to let you rewrite a section of the State of the Union with less than twenty-four hours to go. It was the second year and everybody was a Republican, whether they were or not, and people at the DNC had convinced him to include the line, \'The era of big government is over.\' And you couldn\'t live with it. Because government should be a place where people come together and no one gets left behind. An instrument of good. And that\'s exactly what we heard in the State of the Union the next night.\n
    Toby: There were maybe four people in the room when I had that conversation.\n
    Will: Well, if I\'d have been one of them, I would have repeated it to everyone I met."

    "Bartlet: Charlie, I\'m gonna change my mind again on the Bible.\n
    Charlie: [ironically] Mr. President, you have to imagine my utter surprise.\n
    Bartlet: Aren\'t you afraid that one day I\'m just gonna kick your ass like it\'s never been kicked?"

    "Toby: We\'re not talking about the President going to Asia or the President going to Rwanda or the President going to Qumar. We\'re talking about the President sending other people\'s kids to do it.\n
    CJ: That\'s always what we\'re talking about. And in addition to being somebody\'s kids, they\'re also soldiers and sailors, and if we\'re about freedom from tyranny, we should be about freedom from tyranny, and if we\'re not, we should shut up!"

    "Bartlet: We\'re for freedom of speech everywhere. We\'re for freedom to worship everywhere. We\'re for freedom to learn... for everybody. And because in our time, you can build a bomb in your country and bring it to my country, what goes on in your country is very much my business. And so we are for freedom from tyranny, everywhere, whether in the guise of political oppression, Toby, or economic slavery, Josh, or religious fanaticism, CJ. That most fundamental idea cannot be met with merely our support. It has to be met with our strength. Diplomatically, economically, materially. And if Pharaoh still don\'t free the slaves, then he gets the plagues or my cavalry, whichever gets there first. The USTR will go crazy and say that we\'re not considering global trade. Committee members will go crazy and say I haven\'t consulted enough. And the Arab world will just go indiscriminately crazy. No country has ever had a doctrine of intervention when only humanitarian interests were at stake. That streak\'s gonna end Sunday at noon."

    "Bartlet: Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful and committed people can change the world. Do you know why?\n
    Will: Because it\'s the only thing that ever has."

    "Bartlet: Leo said just now that there was going to be an NEC briefing on scoring and tell her what I said.\n
    Leo: \'What\'s wrong with booze and a comfortable pickup?\'\n
    Debbie: No, I see there\'s no hour too early for your Noel Cowardesque wit, sir."

    "Ambassador Tiki: Mr. President, the U.S. is trampling on the sovereignty of my country and on behalf of Nzele–\n
    Bartlet: I\'ve just taken your airport... clearing the way for the 101st Air Assualt to take the capitol. Seven thousand troops, twenty-five battle tanks, fifteen Apache attack helicopters, and three destroyers. Strictly speaking, I conquered your country without the paperwork.\n
    Aide: Kundu is in the midst of a civil war.\n
    Bartlet: No, it\'s not. It\'s in the midst of a one-sided slaughtering of an entire people."

    "CJ: Don\'t be fooled: they love us in Orange County. They\'re crazy-go-nuts for the President – really, the whole Democratic Party in general. I think they really like it when we come to town. When we were there last month, we were working the crowd, and some young boys – worried, possibly, that I couldn\'t afford fruits and vegetables on a government salary – tossed me some of their own."

    "Josh: You want to go to Orange County?\n
    CJ: I think we have to go. [to Bartlet] Even though there\'s $1,300 with your name on it if you don\'t make me go with you.\n
    Toby: Get over the dress, would you?\n
    CJ: It was a suit, and they hit me with an avocado!\n
    Toby: It could have been worse.\n
    CJ: How?\n
    Toby: They could have hit me."

    "Toby: Listen to me. We\'ve got all kinds of atmospheric cabin pressure up here. We\'re a little late, so the Colonel\'s put the hammer down in a 747. You\'ve got wind shear, downdraft, massive turbulence, not to mention four giant engines burning jet fuel at galactic temperatures. We\'re standing in a flying death tube! [people look up] No, not the rest of y-y-you, it\'s just my family. It\'s fine. Look...\n
    Andy: What do you want me to do, step off?\n
    Toby: Also, you\'ve got twins in there; you\'re basically a minivan. How are you fitting into a seat?\n
    Andy: Uh-uh... I saw him first, girls."

    "Abbey: How did you live with Josh Lyman?\n
    Amy: I\'m sorry?\n
    Abbey: How did you live with him? He beat Max out of the 12 million earmarked for vaccine education. And when I said I wanted the 12 million he said \"So did I. And at the end of a prize-fight, you look at the guy who\'s dancing around and that\'s who won\"? So I wanna know how you lived with him.\n
    Amy: We never technically lived together which was the subject of many–\n
    Abbey: Don\'t you wanna kill him when he says things like that?\n
    Amy: My problem is I wanna jump him when he says things like that.\n
    Abbey: Where\'d you get your mouth?\n
    Amy: Brown, then Yale Law School."

    "Sam: [in jail] How\'d you call Josh? Didn\'t they take your cell phone from you?\n
    Toby: [motioning to a group of prostitutes] I used theirs.\n
    Sam: So on a call-girl\'s phone bill, there\'s gonna be a call to Air Force One?\n
    Toby: You really gonna be teaching a seminar on call-girl caution? Really?"

    "Toby: It made the news out there?\n
    Will: A Jewish guy won a bar fight. It\'s news everywhere."

    "CJ: [about the First Lady\'s speech] You should tell her not to talk about the House vote.\n
    Charlie: You want me to tell Mrs. Bartlet she\'s going to look like a dilettante?\n
    CJ: I once had to tell the President he was wearing two different shoes.\n
    Charlie: That\'s roughly the same.\n
    Toby: [to Sam] You\'re gonna lose, and you\'re gonna lose huge, they\'re gonna be throwing rocks at you next week, and I wanna be standing next to you when they do."

    "Abbey: So we\'re for freedom of speech everywhere but poor countries, where they can have our help, but only if they live up to Clancy Bangert\'s moral standards? What the hell kind of free world are you running?\n
    Bartlet: I really don\'t know, Abbey. The day hasn\'t started yet."

    "Company Guy: We don\'t make chemicals, Toby. We make ideas.\n
    Toby: Uh huh. But what do you sell?\n
    Company Guy: Chemicals."

    "Charlie: Do you have a girlfriend?\n
    Will: No.\n
    Charlie: When was the last time you did?\n
    Will: About nine months ago.\n
    Charlie: How long did it last?\n
    Will: About two days. In my defense, though, she was psycho.\n
    Charlie: So why are you giving me relationship help?\n
    Will: Because I\'m the only one in this conversation who didn\'t get a Dear John email from his ex-girlfriend\'s boyfriend.\n
    Charlie: God, that\'s really true, isn\'t it?"

    "Amy: Am I being hazed? Is this a hazing? \'Cause I\'ll go along and everything, but I have to see Josh...\n
    Will: It\'s not a hazing. They don\'t do that. [feels in his pocket] Except... yes, you put olives in my jacket again.\n
    CJ: I did, I did do that. But this is on the level."

    "Zoey: Are you going to do what I asked in the email?\n
    Charlie: No.\n
    Zoey: You just refuse.\n
    Charlie: I do. I refuse, respectfully.\n
    Zoey: You can\'t refuse and be respectful at the same time.\n
    Charlie: Watch me. Ask again.\n
    Zoey: Stop pursuing me.\n
    Charlie: Respectfully, no.\n
    Zoey: Why?\n
    Charlie: \'Cause I\'m in love with you, and that\'s the way it goes."

    "Will: There\'s a Festival of Lights and Bonfires in this region that accompanies something called the Wildflower, you know, Renaissance, with lilac and ochre.\n
    Reporter: That you can see from thirty-three thousand feet?\n
    Will: Yes, it\'s arranged in a pattern that befuddles astronomers to this day. We should be coming up on it any...\n
    Chris: Oh my God!\n
    Will: Of course, on the right side of the plane, there\'s an F-16 Falcon."

    "Josh: Stopping all bipartisan legislation is like saying \'Let\'s blow up the place. Maybe voters\'ll hire us to rebuild it.\'"

    "Leo: By the way, not for nothing, but draftees aren\'t nearly as well trained. It\'s why there were so many casualties in Vietnam.\n
    Toby: Right. Also, the Vietcong.\n
    Leo: Plus that."

    "C.J.: It\'s okay, you\'re afraid of flying.\n
    Will: I\'m not afraid of flying. I... experience flying."

    "Katie: If there is an issue of national security, isn\'t it also a national issue for everyone down there?\n
    Reporter: In other words, turn on the damn phones.\n
    C.J.: Someone ask Steve what time it is; it\'s going to crack you up!\n
    Reporter: C.J....\n
    C.J.: How is it a threat to anyone on the ground?\n
    Steve: Air Force One generally doesn\'t break all by itself.\n
    C.J.: Steve...\n
    Steve: Claudia, in a room someplace, they\'re talking about the possibility that the plane was sabotaged.\n
    C.J.: By screwing with the front wheel?\n
    Mark: If the malfunction is because of a leak in the hydraulics, and they try to recycle the gear, the front end of the plane\'s gonna blow up.\n
    C.J.: No, you\'re right, I should definitely let you use the phones."

    "C.J.: I thought my reflexes before, in the Press Room, were catlike."

    "CJ: The substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen."

    "Toby: I think what he\'s asking is why, on most other nights, do you think the world\'s going to hell in a hula hoop, but tonight..."

    "CJ: We dip twice and eat gefilte fish?\n
    Toby: Suzy Creamcheese, do not attempt the Haggadah.\n
    CJ: I know how to bless the soup, too."

    "Toby: And they\'re sending in a team of lawyers to look into it?\n
    Will: Yeah, but we\'re scrappy."

    "Josh: Your sense of humor\'s a bit of a high wire act isn\'t it? You\'re really trying to thread the needle.\n
    Donna: And half of it you don\'t even get."

    "CJ: There\'s no website supporting it?\n
    Toby: And you gotta ask yourself, if no one on the Internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?"

    "Joe: I know that when life expectancy goes up, that\'s not victimizing undertakers.\n
    CJ: Well argued, though I do hate you and everything you stand for.\n
    Joe: Claudia Jean, you\'ve only known me for four minutes. Usually it takes people the better part of an hour to hate me and everything I stand for.\n
    CJ: I\'m the Press Secretary, Boo-Boo. I don\'t have that kind of time."

    "Will: I came in to show you the spots and to tell you I think we should run a counter-ad. I don\'t have an idea for one.\n
    Toby: Well get one! Have an idea! Don\'t come in here with half a thing and not be able to - you know, after you\'ve walked me to the brink, and say \'we\'ve got to do this, it\'s important, though I have no earthly idea how.\' Like one of those guys who buys a big new thing, but doesn\'t really know how to get the most out of it!\n
    Will: Toby, either get Andy to marry you, or kill yourself.\n
    Toby: [pause] Yeah."

    "Charlie: Are you eating a salad?\n
    Toby: Yeah.\n
    Charlie: Why?\n
    Toby: \'Cause I am.\n
    Charlie: I don\'t think I\'ve ever seen you eat a salad. What kind of salad is it?\n
    Toby: I don\'t know.\n
    Charlie: Just mixed greens?\n
    Toby: I don\'t know what kind of salad it is, I\'m eating a salad, okay? I\'m doing it, do I have to know the names? There\'s no difference between them, it\'s a bowl of weeds!\n
    [Charlie looks at Toby silently]\n
    Toby: Some of them have cheese, this isn\'t the kind with cheese, does that answer your question?\n
    [Charlie continues to look at Toby silently]\n
    Toby: How many years have you guys been \'Toby, you eat like a teenager.\' \'Toby, that\'s red meat.\' \'That\'s your second cigar.\' Here I am, eating this salad, which, by the way, you could cover this thing in barbecue sauce and it still tastes like the ground, and I\'m getting heckled from the gallery! Who wanted to come in here and eat his roast beef sandwich with ketchup on a kaiser roll and watch the damn tennis on my TV! That\'s all I\'m saying.\n
    Charlie: Man, Toby, you\'re really doing everything you can do to get that woman to marry you?"

    "Leo: [to Hoynes] You\'re a giant, John. You\'re a US Senator, the Vice-President of the United States, and presumptive nominee of your party. You cannot be taken down by this... cheap person and her customers huddled around Macy\'s window waiting for someone to turn themselves inside out."

    "Special Agent Wesley Davis: I\'m leading Bookbag\'s paparazzi patrol for three months.\n
    Josh Lymann: Really? Bit of a powderpuff detail there, isn\'t it, fella?\n
    Wesley Davis: Nah, I go where I\'m told.\n
    Josh Lymann: So in your training what were you taught to do if, say, a stringer for Town and Country were to get in her face?\n
    Wesley Davis: You know I can kill you and just make up the reason why I did, right?"

    "Bartlet: [about Zoey\'s Secret Service detail] Well, here\'s my question: these guys look pretty young to me, and I\'m looking for something very specific. This is a father-daughter situation, and so I think what I\'m looking for in terms of protection would best be characterized as... well, overwhelming force. Do they have that? Do they have the ability to just overwhelm any danger that might...do you have overwh– [To Butterfield] Do they have overwhelming force?\n
    Ron Butterfield: Attack, Wesley.\n
    [Agent Wesley attempts to attack a female agent, who proceeds to throw him to the ground and put a handgun to his head. Zoey enters during.]\n
    Bartlet: Wow!\n
    Zoey: Oh God, Dad, what are you doing?\n
    Bartlet: This one here tossed Wesley like a sack of potato chips!"

    "Will: This speech is about creativity. In my judgment it\'s a home run. But what it isn\'t is a speech that will convince Zoey not to go to France tomorrow.\n
    Bartlet: Well, let\'s write that one!"

    "Danny: You want to comment on a wire report that says that the President lifted his gown and groped himself during the Invocation?\n
    C.J.: Yeah, that was a troubling moment, but he had to get his napkin."

    "Butterfield: We have a situation. We\'re up at black, and procedurally, the Chief of Staff is told before--\n
    Leo: What happened?\n
    Butterfield: Zoey Bartlet\'s missing, and there\'s a dead agent at the scene."

    "Leo: [to CJ] Do not get into a discussion of the President\'s emotional state. You have to pivot whatever you get to Commander-in-Chief...We\'re in control. The government is functioning. This is the most important press conference of your life."

    "Bartlet: I need you to tell me now: Do you think she\'s already dead?\n
    Leo: I absolutely do not.\n
    Bartlet: If they show me a picture of her alive and tell me to aim cruise missiles at Tel Aviv, they\'re counting on the fact that a father--\n
    Leo: But you wouldn\'t.\n
    Bartlet: I might.\n
    Leo: There are people around you who won\'t let you.\n
    Bartlet: How about a picture they\'ve got a knife to her throat; get out of Saudi Arabia?\n
    Leo: You shouldn\'t think of images like that.\n
    Bartlet: All I can think of are images like that...Leo, the people you just named don\'t have the legal authority to stop me from doing certain things, and some of them would go to jail if they didn\'t follow my orders. Very quietly, I want you to assemble the Cabinet. I want you to call the Speaker of the House."

    "Toby: [to his twin newborns] I didn\'t realize babies come with hats. You guys crack me up. You don\'t have jobs, you can\'t walk or speak the language, you don\'t have a dollar in your pockets, but you got yourselves a hat, so everything\'s fine. I don\'t want to alarm you or anything, but I\'m Dad. And for you, son, for you this will be the last time I pass the buck, but I think it should be clear from the get-go that it was Mom who named you Huckleberry. I guess she was feeling like life doesn\'t present enough challenges to overcome on its own. And honey, you\'ve got a name now, too. Your mom and I named you after an incredibly brave, uh... An incredibly brave woman. Really not all that much older than you. Your name is Molly. Huck... and Molly. So, what do I do? Well, you\'re going to need food and clothes and doctors and dentists... there\'s that. And should you have any questions along the way... I\'m going to be doing stuff like this, Huck, \'cause you\'re leaking a little bit out of your mouth there. You holding my finger, son? Hey Molly, your brother\'s holding my hand. You wanna hold my hand?"

    "Will: The President temporarily handing over power to his political enemy? I think it\'s a fairly stunning act of patriotism... and a fairly ordinary act of fatherhood."

    "Walken: Franz Ferdinand, who was the nephew of the Austro-Hungarian emperor, was killed by a group called the Black Hand. And because they were a Serbian nationalist society, the empire declared war on Serbia. Then Russia, which was bound by a treaty, was forced to mobilize, which meant that Germany had to declare war on Russia. Then France declared war on Germany, and that was World War I. Because the emperor\'s nephew was killed. Now I thought you all had some good ideas, but somebody ought to make it clear to the people in this room that someone is in charge."

    "Josh: I think we made a mistake.\n
    Donna: What?\n
    Josh: Letting the President step aside.\n
    Will: Have you been watching CNN, MSNBC? Even FOX is treating it as a seminar on the resiliency of the Constitution.\n
    Josh: The President\'s daughter is probably tied up in the back of a gas station. We have no idea how this is playing.\n
    Will: He showed he\'s a leader, nobly embracing his own flawed humanity.\n
    Josh: Lincoln and Kennedy had children who died. They didn\'t take a sabbatical.\n
    Toby: Who\'s been calling?\n
    Josh: Congressional leadership.\n
    Toby: Lincoln never got a ransom note from Jefferson Davis. He\'s putting country before family. I\'d carpet bomb Mecca to get my kids back.\n
    Josh: What if they like Walken better? What if he seems more presidential? What if they want Walken to stay?\n
    Will: In a few days, President Bartlet turns the second letter over to Congress.\n
    Josh: What if it doesn\'t take a few days? What if it takes a few weeks, a few months? What if she\'s never found?"

    "Walken: What are the chances Zoey Bartlet\'s still alive?\n
    Casper: Hard to say, but I think yes she probably is. They\'ll want to milk this for all its worth.\n
    Walken: Get your people in place, Admiral. We don\'t go today unless we\'re provoked. [to Casper] Find her and find her fast. But if Zoey Bartlet turns up dead, I\'m going to blow the hell out of something, and God only knows what happens next."

    "Bartlet: You work for the President. He\'s going to need you down there.\n
    Charlie: I work for you, sir. Someone else can show him where the Xerox paper is.\n
    Bartlet: You do a lot more than that.\n
    Charlie: Thank you, sir, but I\'d prefer to stay here with you."

    "Democrat Speaker: You\'ve elevated Walken and the Republicans. You\'ve made them genuine players on the world stage.\n
    Leo: I didn\'t elevate them. The Presidential Succession Act of 1947 did. And I\'m not prepared to think about politics when we\'re under terrorist attack. The Republic comes first."

    "Walken: You know I\'m not the enemy. The things that unite us are far greater than things that divide us. We both believe in democracy, preservation of American values, protection of our citizens in a sometimes hostile world.\n
    C.J.: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness?\n
    Walken: Exactly."

    "Josh: You\'re campaigning in the middle of a national tragedy....\n
    Atwood: You don\'t get it, do you? The Republicans are in awe of Bartlet. He recused himself in the only way he could. In the way envisioned by the Constitution... The whole notion of the 25th Amendment is that the institution matters more than the man. Bartlet\'s decision was even more self-sacrificing because he willingly gave power to his opposition.\n
    Josh: The institution may matter more, but it\'s your guy protecting it, not ours.\n
    Atwood: A truly self-sacrificing act usually involves some sacrifice.\n
    Josh: So, now you\'re going to nail us to the cross.\n
    Atwood: No. You beat the terrorists at their own game. We\'re not stupid, Josh. We try to use this to our advantage, it will blow up in our faces. We\'d seem callous and unfeeling. In contrast to Bartlet\'s extraordinary gesture of courage and patriotism. And anyone who thinks otherwise has a particularly craven way of looking at politics."

    "Bartlet: \'The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral. Returning violence with violence only multiplies violence adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.\'\n
    Leo: Dr. King.\n
    Bartlet: I\'m part of that darkness now, Leo. When did that happen?\n
    Leo: Dr. King wasn\'t wrong. He just didn\'t have your job."

    "Walken: This is a weird-looking room.\n
    Debbie: Truman called it the crown jewel of the federal penal system.\n
    Walken: You a Truman fan?\n
    Debbie: Yes, sir.\n
    Walken: Me, too.... If Truman were alive today, he\'d be a Republican.\n
    Debbie: Oh, I doubt that very much."

    "Toby: If we go two lines without using the phrase \'unimaginably large military arsenal\' we\'re out of our minds."

    "Bartlet: The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Words I did not fully understand until our daughter was taken from us three days ago. But now we can rejoice and be glad, for that which was lost has been found. That my child is back in her mother\'s arms is serendipity and grace, a second chance that will not slip through our fingers again. I wish I could tell you there is some new policy, some new weapons system, a silver bullet perhaps that could meet this moment, that could keep us safe from the terror that is now among us. But if I were to say that I\'d be lying. All I can promise you is that I will fight with every fiber of my being, with every weapon in our arsenal, and with every ounce of God\'s grace to keep us strong, and free, and safe."

    "Will: Diane Frost is a serious name.\n
    Josh: Diane is a serious loon of the left.\n
    Toby: I love Diane Frost. I\'d marry Diane Frost if I were a member of her stated sexual preference, but Diane is the definition of unelectable."

    "Will: We\'re having trouble with the Democrats.\n
    CJ: Wow, along with the Republicans. That\'s kind of everyone."

    "Debbie: Mrs. Bartlet, I can\'t tell you how hard I prayed for you.\n
    Abbey: I appreciate that.\n
    Debbie: Well, you shouldn\'t. I\'m not very religious. So there\'s the risk that my praying could be taken as insincere or even an affront, which, if it\'s a vengeful God, could have made matters worse.\n
    Abbey: Well, it didn\'t, so maybe there\'s a clue."

    "Bartlet: Are you a horseman Bob? I\'m looking at your boots.\n
    Russell: Oh, I love to ride.... No, I wear these boots, um... Oh, I could give you some crap about remembering my roots, but I wear these because I\'ve got flat feet and they don\'t hurt my arches."

    "Toby: In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great nausea to announce Robert Russell — Bingo Bob, himself — as your new Vice President.\n
    Will: This lapdog of the mining interests is as dull as he is unremarkable...\n
    Toby: ...as lackluster as he is soporific. This reversion to the mean...\n
    Will: ...this rebuke to the exemplary...\n
    Toby: ...gives hope to the millions unfavored by the exceptional..."

    "Bob Russell: not the worst, not the best, just what we\'re stuck with."

    "CJ: We\'ve certainly come a long way from \"Give me your tired, your poor.\" If we don\'t allow this defection, if we blithely exploit this young man\'s ignorance, then I don\'t know who we are anymore."

    "Josh: By refusing to put language to it, we pretend it does not exist. But it\'s something. Even if we don\'t know what to call it. I just think it\'s time to start working on a language plan for whatever it is we\'re doing, too."

    "Bartlet: There\'s a Korean word, Han. I looked it up. There is no literal English translation. It\'s a state of mind. Of soul, really. A sadness. A sadness so deep no tears will come. And yet, still, there\'s hope."

    "Will: I need to see my bed, I\'m thinking of carrying a picture of it in my wallet."

    "Leo: He\'s a Democrat from Idaho. They use Democrats for target practice up there. Sometimes he\'s got to lean to the right."

    "Josh: You\'re leaving the party because of me?\n
    Carrick: I\'m not leaving the party because of you - but you made it a whole lot easier."

    "Russell: I admire speech writers. They have to have the tendency to doubt and the capacity to believe in equal measure.... I\'m playing with a handicap.... Spare tire on the automobile of government. Heartbeat away from having a heartbeat.... I may need more help than that dead guy you got elected in Orange County, Will. I may need some political life support myself.... I\'d like you to be my Communications Director.... I know I\'m not the best politician, but here I am Vice President of the United States.\n
    Will: Sir, I\'m a special assistant to the President.\n
    Russell: Chief strategist and senior counselor to the Vice President.\n
    Will: Are we playing poker?\n
    Russell: I\'m showing you my hand.\n
    Will: You\'re looking for your own Toby Ziegler.\n
    Russell: I\'m looking for someone who can beat Toby....\n
    Will: Thank you, sir, but I\'m not interested.\n
    Russell: I like loyalty, Will. I respect loyalty. But you can run out the clock on a Bartlet Presidency that in effect is over. You can finish something that you never started in the first place.... Or you can shape the next presidency from the ground up. Total access. Coach of the team."

    "Josh: It\'s a missile defense system that can\'t hit missiles.... when were you promised–?\n
    Carrick: Seven years ago.\n
    Josh: Under the last President?\n
    Carrick: Right.\n
    Josh: Okay, a bunch of things have fallen by the wayside since then, like Communism...."

    "Donna: Schadenfreude?\n
    CJ: You know, enjoying the suffering of others. The whole rationale behind the House of Representatives."
    "Josh: When I write my political memoir, this will be the character building funny part.\n
    Donna: I thought I was the character building funny part."

    "Will: He hates me.\n
    CJ: Oh, yeah. The way you hate the girl you ask to the prom who says, \'No thanks, I already have a date.\' You made a choice. Now own it."

    "Josh: I\'m just trying to see around the corner so I don\'t get bit in the ass.\n
    Donna: Are you going around the corner ass-first?\n
    Josh: Vast and violent vacuum cleaner, uprooting everything in its path.\n
    Toby: It\'s a funnel cloud.\n
    Josh: Vast and violent vacuum cleaner.\n
    CJ: It\'s a vacuum cleaner and a funnel cloud. See, men? Peace on earth."

    "Ashland: It\'s all compromises, now. The ones who have no record of scholarship; no body of opinions, nothing you can hold them to. That\'s who they\'ll confirm. Raging mediocrities...I have good days and bad. But on my worst days, I am better than the amped-up ambulance chasers you could get confirmed by this Senate. You can\'t do it, Jed. You\'re not strong enough. The Speaker\'s running the table and I can\'t take a chance."

    "CJ: Okay, but I\'ve got to be careful about saying \"man.\"\n
    Toby: Why, because--? Oh, c\'mon!\n
    CJ: You\'d be surprised. I get letters.\n
    Toby: Fine, \"human being,\" then, or do the other mammals complain?"

    "Josh: No, Leo, how is this acceptable? Haffley\'s not the prime minister, you take this to the president, you\'ll know what he\'ll say?\n
    Leo: He\'ll say yes.\n
    Josh: How can you say that?\n
    Leo: To keep the lights on! To make sure a couple of million government employees keep getting paid. It\'s two more months...\n
    Josh: This isn\'t governing, it\'s duck and cover.\n
    Leo: He\'ll say that too."

    "Donna: There\'s no agreement.\n
    Josh: How far apart are we?\n
    Donna: They\'re leaving the building."

    "Bartlet: Well, I\'m not going to negotiate with anyone who holds a gun to my head. We had a deal. I don\'t care if my approval ratings drop into single digits. I am the President of the United States, and I will leave the government shut down until we come to an equitable agreement."

    "Leo: Don\'t go out there again until morning.\n
    CJ: Okay, but the enemy\'s advancing and you had better give me more than a squirt gun before the sun comes up."

    "CJ: That\'s one way to make the shutdown seem real to the country -- don\'t mail eleven million checks."

    "Will: It\'d be catastrophic if we don\'t fix this.\n
    Toby: FDR will rise from the dead?\n
    Will: Millions of angry grandparents are going to march on Washington, burn us in effigy.\n
    Toby: Sell me."

    "CJ: We had agreed to a one percent cut on a thirty-day continuing resolution, but the Speaker pulled a bait-and-switch.\n
    Toby: One percent, two percent -- what\'s so unreasonable about three percent?\n
    CJ: Three percent equals X dollars, which is Y flu vaccinations, Z school lunches...It\'s more convincing with numbers."

    "Will: Are you people trying to kill me?\n
    Toby: We\'re trying to make sure you can move to Oregon and kill yourself."

    "Donna: There are pages turned down with Post-its to tell you which of your relatives the gifts are for. If you\'re happy with the choices you should initial at the X. If you\'re not happy with the choices, you should remember how this goes when you try to do this yourself.\n
    Josh: I like the polar fleece stuff.\n
    Donna: Who\'s in charge of shopping?\n
    Josh: You are."

    "Leo: [to Josh] You have to go back and tell him no. In no uncertain terms. Draw a picture if you need it. A ballot in a circle with a line through it."

    "Bartlet: She dumped a Rhodes Scholar for this guy. Zoey left Charlie for the frog. Ellie and the guitar player with the purple van. My children choose morons, every one.\n
    Debbie: They say daughters look for their fathers.\n
    Bartlet: You know, 15 years ago, we took a trip to Egypt, all five of us, saw the pyramids and Luxor, then headed up into the Sinai. We had a guide, a Bedouin man, who called me \"Abu el Banat.\" Whenever we\'d meet another Bedouin, he\'d introduce me as \"Abu el Banat.\" The Bedouin would laugh and laugh and then offer me a cup of tea. And I\'d go and pay them for the tea, and they wouldn\'t let me. \"Abu el Banat\" means \"father of daughters.\" They thought the tea was the least they could do."

    "CJ: Toby.\n
    Toby: Yeah.\n
    CJ: Is there something you wanted?\n
    Toby: World peace?\n
    CJ: Toby, I\'m not protecting you. Go hide from the President somewhere else.\n
    Toby: Who needs Dante? I\'m on my way to hell at 30,000 feet."

    "President Newman: You start saddling up camels in every country in the Middle East then you better be prepared to spend the next 50 years sifting through sand because this isn\'t a quick run on the beach, Jed. This is the new world order."

    "Donna: A lot of them, their judges spoke at their sentencing about the harshness of what they had to impose.... Scrutinize away. You tell me? Do we toss out Daisy Aimes, mother of three... had a boyfriend who stored a kilo in her closet. She\'s done eight years and is facing eleven more. That\'s longer than rapists and child molesters get.... I don\'t see a list anymore. These are people."

    "Bartlet: I will never surrender in the War on Drugs, but if you are consistently getting slaughtered on the battlefield, you\'ve probably misjudged your enemy."

    "Charlie: CJ, with the press -- could you ever trust a reporter?\n
    CJ: Is this the beginning of a joke?"

    "Leo: If it was you whispering pardons in his ear, it was the right thing.\n
    Abbey: I don\'t whisper, Leo. That\'s not how it works between us. My job is to help Jed be as good a President as he is a man."

    "Bartlet: I can\'t dress for this thing without you. Which one screams \"dominance\"?\n
    Abbey: Do I get to wear it afterwards?\n
    Bartlet: No Comment"

    "Toby: More college kids think they\'ll see UFOs than Social Security checks.\n
    Bartlet: But they don\'t tell you how many believe in UFOs; that\'s the number we ought to be worried about."

    "CJ: If we\'re not running offense, we\'re running defense, and if we\'re playing defense, then there\'s some clever sports analogy that explains what happens then....\n
    Josh: We\'re screwed.\n
    CJ: That\'ll do..."

    "CJ: A little tough love\'s what these people need. If that doesn\'t work, I\'m moving on to Molotov cocktails."

    "Bartlet: Social Security is the third rail of American politics. Touch it, and you die.\n
    Toby: That\'s \'cause the third rail\'s where all the power is."

    "CJ: We\'ve been over this. We need a hard news announcement each and every day or the press runs amok!"

]

module.exports = (robot) ->
  robot.respond /(?:West\s+)?Wing/i, (msg) ->
    msg.send msg.random quote