In the beginning the drive was with out ''BR'' nor ''Whale'', and there was Roland and Marc, and nothing else. Roland said to Marc, go forth to your basement and bootith up swap pro the first and let there be Swapdrive.
And it was good.
June the 1st, the year of our Lord 2007.
'Twas the day that forevermore stricken the tavern of Armond from the palette of !SwapLunch.
And lo, the harbingers of code did wither, and their stomachs did grumble and yearn for the storied pizzaed pie from the kingdom of Armand, that toothy tyrant that ruled the tradewinds with an iron fist. How the engineers did suffer! How the sales team did grieve! How the intern did furiously surf!
And thee Metallic chariot brought forth three Wise Swapostle's bearing gifts from the Heavens. And the masses did consume unto gluttonous merriment. Oh, how it was glorious! No other pie from the sky shall ever be the same! Praised be!
And Gartz stood on the hilltop yonder, and looked down on his brethren and exclaimed with a mighty roar, "I am working with a bunch of pussies!" And fire did rain down from the heavens, and unexplained noises eminated from the bathroom, and the pestilence of the Gartz enveloped the development team.
In the Beginning, the Great !SwapGods sired three guardians of Swap all christened Chris. All was grandiose in the bounteous nation of Swap. And thy Chrises roared with intoxication, "We are Chris, you will be assimilated. All your base are belong to us!"
Lookith to the West! Can it be? The Jæson had gathered up a regiment of jæson to stand fast against the tyranny of the Chris. His followers numbered no more and no less that of the Chrises, and lo, they were well organized in all their plans and schemes.
Yet, there was no movement made upon the Chrises. For they were secure as Custodian of the Swapendom for as long a time as the fridge was overflowing with an abundance of beer.
And the masses did congregate on the hillside of the land they called Rosa Mexicana. And Steinberg emerged in front of them saying, "Blessed be the hardworkers, for they will get gift cards. Blessed be the employees, for they will be ridiculed with head shots." And the masses did rejoice, but soon they were hungry and did thirst for car bombs, and their souls were filled with doubt, for no Guinness was to be found anywhere. But Eric stepped forward and declared, "Fear not. Bring forth whatsoever ales you may gather." And 6 chalices of Bailey's were procured, along with 4 bottles of Negro Modelo and Dos Equis Amber. And Suraj blessed them and split them evenly among the parishoners, and CDub christened the new libation, "La Bomba." And everyone drank more than their fill.
When the count was tallied, and thusly proved fast and true, lo, the sum was twenty score and nine hundred and ninety eight thousand. And Wallace stood proud, procliaming "To The Jason it was promised and so shall it be," and the masses were sent to the promised fogo. The meat was on pikes and swords and spits, glistening and rare. The workers did partake, consumed only of the flesh of cloven hooved beasts.
The last morsel was eaten and the masses did grow weary with the meat sweats. And it was good.
As was custom in these days, the workers of the Swapdom did jest towards the matriarch of Wyn's descent, but he paid no heed. For he knew this jocularity was grossly unfounded. And the workers did grow tired, for no more could be made of this teasing. Then one day, a servant of the Swapdom arose, dressed in new antics, speaking in a tongue few did understand, shouting, "I am the one they call Gartz. I had sex with Bruno's mother." And the glory of Mother did tremble, and the earth did quake, and elastic bands did catapult through the air. And the magnificence of Bruno's mom was fought over for 40 days, 40 minutes, and 40 seconds.
And, lo, the days did grow long and many were weary. There were murmurings in shadows and rumors the spread even past the Straight of Gartz--for there were many who were to travel to CES. When the travelers made their way to that wretched hive of scum and villainy, they did celebrate. Whilst their jubilee was strong, it was short-lived, for they had busted. The gadgets were plenty, and the AVN alluring, but with no copper in their purse, they had no reason for joy.
Until, from the west, a hero rode in. We song songs and drank strong brew, for the bride groom to the Blaze of Glory had arrived. It was heard to the remote corners of yon table, as he spoke with firm resolve "ALL. IN." Every eye watched as the final card was turned over.
Darkness descended. Our hero had fallen.
And it was spoken by David to the Swapdrivites:
Of all land animals, these are the ones you may eat. Any animal that has cloven hoofs you may eat, provided that they are marinated, or are cooked on skewers, or continue to replenish themselves as long as the table indicator is green. But you shall not consume of the animal that is procured from the land of Potenza, for it is a dirty, evil place. While they may tempt you with free cookies and semolina buns, and impress you with fennel and spice, indulge not. Their flesh you shall not eat, and their raw casings you shall not touch; they are unclean for you.