I absolutely love GoTos and I don't know why..

RatRace.php

<?php
/**
 * Retrieves the title of the Content Item with the given filepath
 */
function km_zipcart_get_title($file) {	
	// Start our query with searching for the file
	$qf = db_select('file_managed','fm');
	$qf->condition('fm.filename',$file,'=');
	// Get the fields we need
	$qf->fields('fm', array('fid','filename'));
	$qf->fields('fd', array('entity_id'));
	$qf->fields('n', array('title'));
	// Need to make copies of this (one for images, one for files)
	$qi = clone $qf;	
	// Join in the appropriate databases
	$qi->leftJoin('field_data_field_upload_image','fd','(fm.fid = fd.field_upload_image_fid AND NOT ISNULL(fd.entity_id))');
	$qf->leftJoin('field_data_field_upload_file', 'fd','(fm.fid = fd.field_upload_file_fid AND NOT ISNULL(fd.entity_id))');
	$qi->leftJoin('node','n','n.nid = fd.entity_id');
	$qf->leftJoin('node','n','n.nid = fd.entity_id');
	// Prepare For Battle
	$info = array();
	$query = $qf;
	// Execute
RATRACE:
	$result = $query->execute();
	if ($result) {
		while ($row = $result->fetchAssoc()) {
			if (empty($info)) $info = $row;
			else {
				if (empty($info['title'])) {
					$info['title'] = $row['title'];
				}
				if (empty($info['entity_id'])) {
					$info['entity_id'] = $row['entity_id'];
				}
			}
		}
	}
	if ($query === $qf) {
		$query = $qi;
		goto RATRACE;
	}
	drupal_add_http_header('Content-Type','text/plain');
	print_r($info);
		
}

http://xkcd.com/292/