troll.sh

#!/bin/bash
# A stupid little script for trolling my brother when he leaves his laptop open

set -e

cat > troll.sh <<"EOF"
#!/bin/bash

if [ -n $(pgrep -i zoom) ]; then
    exit
fi

phrases=(
    "you, sir, are a gargantuan wanker"
    "remove your hands from me this instant"
    "you make me want to format myself"
    "rumor has it you are something of a weeb"
    "there is something on your shirt"
    "have you always been this funny looking?"
    "one v one me, bro"
)

len=${#phrases[@]}
phrase=$(($RANDOM % $len))

say -v Daniel "${phrases[$phrase]}"

EOF

chmod +x troll.sh

mv troll.sh /usr/local/bin

echo "00 * * * * /usr/local/bin/troll.sh" | crontab -