For all those still trying to find a job. Inspired by Stan by Eminem.
Still Trying And Nothing
Dear Employers, I wrote you but still ain't callin' I left my address, my email, and my phone number at the bottom I sent two CVs back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em There probably was a problem with my Gmail or somethin' Sometimes I misspell email addresses when I type 'em But anyways, fuck it, what's been up man, are you hiring? My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm bout to be a father If I have a daughter, guess what I'm a call her? I'm a name her Jobbie I wrote that I like knitting and crafting as a hobby too I'm sorry I just thought it made me look like the kinda guy who knew how to make coffee I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan I even got my HACCP & manual handling certs I did with SafeHands I got a CV full of experience and references man I even write detailed cover letters, explaining my future career plan Anyways, I hope you get this man, I’m not annoyed, Please don’t avoid, truly yours, your biggest fan that’s unemployed.
Dear Employers, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance I ain't mad, I just think it's fucked up you don't answer fans If you didn't wanna hire me after that interview You didn't have to, but you coulda atleast wished me success in whatever quest that I would pursue That's only common courtesy, something you expect to be told Instead I waited by the phone for you, For four days and you just said, "No." That's pretty shitty man, you just left me fuckin' idle you didn’t even hire my mate, he wants to work for you more than I do I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein' lied to Remember when we met at the recruitment day, you said if I passed on my CV you’d be in touch and would call back. See I'm just like you in a way I wish for you to choose the best application But I’m tired of being told I haven’t been successful on this occasion. Especially when I can relate to what you're saying in your job description I’m fully flexible with experience and I really think I’d be a good addition. 'Cause I don't really got shit else and a job would help sort out me head. I’m unemployed so long when I wake I can’t even leave the fucking bed Sometimes I even send multiple applications through Jobs.ie It's like adrenaline, to see I get more responses on that than Indeed. See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it My girlfriend's concerned 'cause I think about you 24/7 But she don't know you like I know you Employer, no one does She don't know what it was like for people like us wanting to move up, you gotta call me man I'll be the best employee you'll ever lose Sincerely yours, Lewis, P.S. Attached below is my CV too.
Dear Mister "I'm Too Good To Call Or Hire My Fans" This will be the last CV I ever send your ass It's been six months and still no word, I don't deserve it? I know you got my last two CVs, I wrote the addresses on them perfect So this is my cover letter I'm sending you, I hope you hear it I'm in the department of social protection right now, applying for the dole Hey Employer, I’m thinking about emigrating? You dare me to fly? You know the video by Dave Tynan, "I’m Just Saying" About that guy who fucked off mourning the loss of a generation Of the brightest minds, in a country plagued by austerity and reparations? That's kinda how this is, you could a rescued me from emigration Now it's too late, I'm on a long haul flight to Oz and I'm drowsy And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call I hope you know I left a scathing 1-star comment on your facebook review wall I loved you employers, we coulda been together, think about it You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me See employer, shut up bitch! I'm tryin' to type! Hey employer, that's the hostess asking me would I like anything to eat from the menu, but I say no cuz I’m only hungry to work for you. Well, gotta go, I'm almost in Sydney now Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?
Dear Lewis Thank you for your recent application We regret to inform you that you have not been successful on this occasion. You did well, however, we are looking for an employee who has a long term career plan with us We appreciate your interest and the time you took to meet us. And we liked that you dressed formal the time when you came to greet us. But what's this shit you said about wishing the best in whatever quest that you pursue? We say that shit just joking dog, come on, how naive is you? You got potential Lewis, and we’ll keep you on file for any future opportunities and will inform you if anything suitable that comes up shortly. And what's this shit about one of your references being your brother? That type of shit’s unprofessional will make us not want us to meet each other. I really think you and a job need each other but unfortunately with more experience and skill sets we found another. I hope you get to read this email, I just hope it reaches you in time Before you up and leave, I think that you'll be doin' just fine If you relax a little, be patient and give it time but Lewis Why are you so mad? Try to understand, that we do want you as an employee It just that we also want someone capable of being the best they can be I seen this one shit on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick Some dude had enough of it and flew over to Oz And got a job, and moved up through the ranks so fast he started his own business and unemployment was of the past Now he’s on Forbes, Time and National Geo too Come to think about, his name was, it was you Damn!