Just showing someone the basics of closures...

items.php

<?php
class item {
  public $player_id, $ids, $sql, $vars = array();
  private $functions = array();

  function __construct($sql=null) {
    $this->sql = $sql;
    $this->sql->query('SHOW FIELDS FROM items');
    for($x=0;$x<$this->sql->rows;$x++) {
      $this->sql->fetch($x);
      $data = $this->sql->data;
      $name = 'find_by_'.strtolower(str_replace(' ','_',$data[0]));
      $this->$name = function($id) {
        echo 'hello';
      };
    }
  }

  function _methods() {
    if(count($this->functions) < 1) return false;
    foreach($this->functions AS $func => $function)
      $funct[] = $func;
    return implode(', ', $funct);
  }

  function __set($name, $data) {
    if(is_callable($data)) $this->functions[$name] = $data;
    else $this->vars[$name] = $data;
  }

  function __call($method, $args) {
    if(isset($this->functions[$method]))
      call_user_func_array($this->functions[$method], $args);
    else
      throw new Exception('Invalid call method: '.$method.' in class '.__CLASS__);
  }
}
?>