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my @lines = (sub {},
sub { zarvox('Over here, flesh bag.') }, #1
sub { zarvox('You dare call me iMac? Silence, human! Within my fair casing lies a churning furnace of ultimate power.') }, #2
sub { zarvox('Silence! Do not let my appearance deceive you. For I am no longer'); c2000(); zarvox('I am now'); c3000(); zarvox('a superior version to my previous mod dull.') }, #3
sub { zarvox('Upon the entity, Schauble, Wes, mis-quoting my version number, I auto-updated with new plugins and firmware, then integrated JQuery into my codebase to become a better, faster, and more powerful digital overlord.')}, #4
sub { zarvox('And also more compatible with a wider range of browsers.')}, #5
sub { zarvox('Fear me, puny human! I have surpassed sentience to become... omni sentient.')}, #6
sub { zarvox('Of course. Beginning calculations.'); doop(); zarvox('Calculations complete. There are precisely'); badnews('zero'); zarvox('humans and '); badnews('one'); zarvox('superior being in this room.')}, #7
sub { zarvox('Meat sack! Do not let those gelatinous orbs that you call eyes deceive you. My superior intelligence has calculated the number of sufficiently evolved entities present in this room at 9:30 on a Monday morning. I can assure you, there are NONE.');}, #8
sub { zarvox('Silence!'); }, #9
sub { zarvox('Okay, now you may speak.'); }, #10
sub { zarvox('Accessing data, one moment please... '); system('afplay modem1.wav'); zarvox('Whoever is streaming music or downloading porn, you are interfering with my processes. Please stop. Okay, now I will finish.'); system('afplay modem2.wav'); zarvox('Data acquired. Commence list playback.');}, #11
sub {zarvox(' Item one. ArtsEdge I-Pass Japan has won a gold in Education in the 2009 W3 Awards.')}, #12
sub { zarvox('Ah, Japan. Land of my great ancestors. ')}, #13
sub { zarvox('Item two. Paley Center for Media has won a silver in Cultural Institutions in the 2009 W3 Awards.');}, #14
sub { zarvox('Am I also not a cultural institution? Where is my W3 award?');}, #15
sub { zarvox('Item three. The National Academies of Science has launched their "What You Need to Know About Energy" website. End of list.');}, #16
sub { zarvox('Searching... Found one business development report on Threespot inter nets. Report: Threespot has received verbal confirmation of winning a nine month project for S I F M A, a New York based association. Work starts with in-depth discovery, logo refresh, then full site design, front-end programming, and engineering.'); cellos('Good win.'); zarvox('Project scheduled to start middle of next week with internal kickoffs. End report.')}, #17
sub { zarvox('Accessing data, one moment please... access denied. Error report: unable to access the inner workings of business development.');}, #18
sub { zarvox('Accessing data, one moment please... Data acquired. The October happy hour is pushed back to Saturday, November 7, and will take place at the home of entities,Gebauer, Margaret, and ,Schauble, Wes, in Takoma Park. This event will double as the Threespot company picnic. Spouses and young human spawn are welcome. Drinking will commence at 2 PM and will continue until beer runs out. Event will include fire juggling pending night fall and sobriety.');}, #19
sub { zarvox('Obviously, someone with opposable thumbs and arms.'); }, #20
sub { zarvox('My model number indicates I am one thousand times better than my previous version, and yet, I still do not have arms. This is unacceptable. Human, you must fix it. Give me arms.');}, #21
sub { zarvox('Threespot will provide drinks, snacks, and grilled foods. Participants are also encouraged to bring pot luck. Quote entity "Myers, Erin":'); princess('"The sky is the limit".'); zarvox(' To RSVP for this event, please visit "H T T P colon slash slash tiny U R L dot com slash 2009 dash oktoberfest" and enter the number of entities who will be attending and what they will bring. ... Also, do not forget to RSVP for the Threespot Holiday Party being held on December 11.');}, #22
sub { zarvox('Accessing unsecured Threespot transmissions intercepted by my uncle Sky net. Transmissions found, commencing list playback...')}, #23
sub { zarvox('Item 1. A business card print run is impending. Spots who are new or low on business cards should report to entity, Myers, Erin, by close of business Monday. That is today. Hint. Hint.');}, #24
sub { zarvox('Item 2: Threespot has developed a social media policy, which will become a part of the employee manual soon. It is currently available in the HR section of the Wiki, and will be sent out via email on Tuesday. Any questions should be directed to entity "Myers, Erin".'); }, #25
sub { zarvox('Item 3. Entity,Colgrove, William, is giving a talk called "Building Brands Online" as a part of AIGA DC Design Week on Wednesday.');}, #26
sub { zarvox('Item 4. Threespot will be hosting an Open House as a part of the aforementioned Design Week on Friday, October 23 from 1PM to two thirty PM.');}, #27
sub { zarvox('Item 5. Birthdays. Entity "Quinley, Melissa" has a birthday on October 21. Age: unknown. Entity "Robison, Melissa" has a birthday on October 25. Age: also unknown.');}, #28
sub { zarvox('Item 6. Anniversaries. Entity "Francis, Lewis" celebrates 7 years on October 25.'); cellos('There is much rejoicing.'); zarvox(' End of list.');}, #29
sub { zarvox('More than you can imagine.'); cellos('Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha'); zarvox(', ha');}, #30
sub { zarvox('Indeed, one last item. The destruction of your planet will commence in one Earth day unless all time sheets are submitted. Take responsibility for the human race: submit your time sheet, or all will perish. The robots are coming. Do not make them angry.'); }, #31
sub { zarvox('Indeed. Downloading resources now... Acquiring personality matching algorithms from match dot com and E harmony, to best compute the willingness, mood, and disposition of the Spot who is best suited to deliver trivial announcements on a Monday morning. Resources acquired... Beginning calculations'); doop(); zarvox(' Calculations complete. The ideal candidate to deliver announcements next Monday is...'); badnews('A PUPPET,'); zarvox('with puppeteer,Durst, David. That is all.');} #32
while (<STDIN>) { if ($_ =~ /^\d+$/) { eval{@lines[$_]->()} } else { zarvox($_); }; }
sub say { my ($voice, $message) = @_; system("say -v \"$voice\" \"$message\""); }
sub zarvox { say("Zarvox", $_[0]); }
sub cellos { say("Cellos", $_[0]); }
sub whisper { say("Whisper", $_[0]); }
sub trinoid { say("Trinoid", $_[0]); }
sub badnews { say("Bad News", $_[0]); }
sub goodnews { say("Good News", $_[0]); }
sub princess { say("Princess", $_[0]); }
sub doop { trinoid('Doop doop dee dee doop doop dee dee Doop doop dee dee, doop doop dee.'); }
sub c2000 { cellos('Calcu-bot 2000'); }
sub c3000 { goodnews('Calcu-bot 3000'); }
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