hello is a self-executing shell script header for node.js; starts as a unix shell script (bash, etc.), checks for node or installs it, runs itself in node, checks for npm or installs it, installs dependencies (i.e. async), then prints a nice hello to standard output and exits.

hello

#!/bin/sh

dummy=0<<0000
/**
 * hello is a self-executing node shell script header.
 *
 * hello starts as a unix shell script (bash, etc.),
 * checks for node or installs it, runs itself in node, 
 * checks for npm or installs it, installs dependencies,
 * then prints a nice hello to standard output and exits.
 */

 /* Start shell script, Javascript comments out this section.
  *
  *
0000

# check for node executable.
dummy=`which node`
STATUS=$?

# if not found, install it.
if [ $STATUS -ne 0 ]; then
    cat 1>&2 <<EOC

Error: node not found in executable path.

Attempting to install node with package managers...
EOC

    # attempt package installers prioritized
    # of course, have not tried all of these so please tell me if the command is incorrect
    sudo port install nodejs 1>&2 || sudo brew install node 1>&2 || sudo yum --enablerepo=epel install nodejs 1>&2 || sudo apt-get install nodejs 1>&2 || sudo emerge nodejs 1>&2 || sudo zypper in nodejs 1>&2 || pacman -S nodejs 1>&2 || pkg_add -r node-devel 1>&2 || cinst nodejs 1>&2
    STATUS=$?
    if [ $STATUS -ne 0 ]; then
        cat 1>&2 <<EOC
Error: no package manager succeeded... exiting.
EOC
        exit $STATUS
    fi
fi

# execute node with this script and arguments.
exec node $0 $*
exit $?

# End shell script, should never get here
dummy=<<EOFEOF

 *
 * Start Javascript
 */

/**** If you do not want to automatically install packages, replace this script to the end with your script. ****/

// install a package with a callback, ala requirejs
function install( requests, cb ) {
    function exit( code ) {
        try {
            process.exit( code );
        } catch(e) {
            console.error( e.message + "... exit failed." );
            throw e;
        }
    }

    if( typeof require === 'undefined' ) {
        console.error( "ReferenceError: require is not defined... exiting." );
        exit(1);
    } else if( typeof require !== 'function' ) {
        console.error( "TypeError: require is not a function... exiting." );
        exit(1);
    } else if( typeof cb !== 'function' ) {
        console.error( "Error: No install callback specified for [" + requests.join(', ') + "]... exiting." );
        exit(1);
    }

    function _install( request, _cb ) {
        try {
            var obj = require( request );
            _cb( obj );
        } catch( e ) {
            if( request === 'child_process' ) {
                console.error( e.message + "... exiting." );
                exit(1);
            } else if( request === 'npm' ) {
                console.error( e.message + ".  Attempting to install npm with package managers..." );
                var cmd = "sudo port install npm 1>&2 || sudo brew install npm 1>&2 || sudo yum --enablerepo=epel install npm 1>&2 || sudo apt-get install npm 1>&2 || sudo emerge npm 1>&2 || sudo zypper in npm 1>&2 || pacman -S npm 1>&2 || pkg_add -r npm 1>&2 || cinst nodejs.install 1>&2";
                try {
                    require( 'child_process' )
                    .spawn( "sh", ["-c", cmd], {
                        stdio: 'inherit',
                    }).on( 'close', function( code ) {
                        if( code !== 0 ) {
                            console.error( "Error: Installing " + request + " failed... exiting." );
                            exit(1);
                        }
                        try {
                            var obj = require( request );
                        } catch( e ) {
                            console.error( "Error: Installing " + request + " failed... exiting." );
                            exit(1);
                        }
                        _cb( obj );
                    });
                } catch(e) {
                    console.error( "Error: Installing " + request + " failed... exiting." );
                    exit(1);
                }
            } else {
                console.error( e.message + ".  Attempting to install with npm..." );
                _install( 'npm', function( npm ){
                    try {
                        npm.load({}, function( e ) {
                            try {
                                npm.commands.install( [request], function( e ) {
                                    if( e ) {
                                        console.error( e.message + "... exiting." );
                                        exit(1);
                                    }
                                    try {
                                        var obj = require( request );
                                    } catch( e ) {
                                        console.error( "Error: Installing " + request + " failed... exiting." );
                                        exit(1);
                                    }
                                    _cb( obj );
                                });
                            } catch(e) {
                                console.error( e.message + "... exiting." );
                                exit(1);
                            }
                        });
                    } catch(e) {
                        console.error( e.message + "... exiting." );
                        exit(1);
                    }
                });
            }
        }   
    }

    var i = 0,
        n = requests.length,
        objs = [];
    objs.length = n;

    function request_install() {
        _install( requests[i], function( obj ) {
            objs[i] = obj;
            if( ++i < n ) {
                request_install();
            } else {
                cb.apply( cb, objs );
            }
        });
    }

    if( n ) {
        request_install(0);
    } else {
        cb.apply( cb, objs );
    }
}

/* Print hello and exit. */

install(['async'], function(async) {
    async.series([
        function(done) {
            console.log( "Hello, World!" );
            done();
        },
    ]);
});

I appreciate this!