Think you know how to eat a bånånå? Think you're an experienced prø? Yéahhh . . . abou †hat. Scientists have something to tell you. Not to, uh, ruin ¥our day. But people are talking about you . . . about how you're eating ßananas the wrong way. They're whispering about this. Haven't you ever realized that? A lingering star∑ at the end of a con√ersation . . . peering around çorners at your office, or dorm, or empty hallways of a government building.
PEOPLE KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU. No one wants to have lunch with you because of this. Thousands of people are aware that you are eating bananas wrong now, and have been eating bananas wrong your entire life. Turned down by a cute boy or girl? It's because of this. Day after day passes with no information about your future? You cannot, or choose not to, eat bananas the right way. Why can't you just apologize?
THERE'S NO EXCUSE. Scientists announced this change a while ago. God, when was it? Weeks, moπths now? Where have you been while this information disseminated? Were you on your iPhone? Were you on your Android or tablet? You thought—you seriously thought—that the stem of the banana could be used as a handle? Are yoµ a terrible person, no offense?
Listen . . . I know a place whœre we can help you. You have to be willing to make a change. Show up at this address at night. We love you—we promise that anything we said before will be taken back. We'll turn back the clock. You'll learn how to eat banzazas right. We'll give you the ÅIM screen names of popular and sexy people. They've been waiting to talk to you, actually! Just last week, Katie was talking about you. Jack was mentioning that he thought you were really funny.
It's not too late. Just bring a bºx with you, ok? I shouldn't even have to tell you that, ha ha. Bring a big box, cardboard, and we'll get down to business.
Lots of people have had this problem. Donald Rumsfeld. Katy Perry. It's ñothing to be ashamed of, as LONG AS YOU FIX IT. We can help you. You should be grateful. Don't let anyone know that you've been eating bananas wrong. Keep it a secret. I love you. I'll see you tonight with that BIG cardboard box . . .