Alien Sandwich. Step-by-step instructions for an alien to make a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. -Ivan Brennan

alien-sandwich-ivanbrennan

1.  Look at the objects on the table.
2.  Find the cylinder containing brown stuff. This is the jar of peanut-butter.
3.  Wrap your left hand firmly around that jar and place your right hand over the top of the jar.
4.  Your right hand is resting on the jar's lid. Squeeze your right hand around the lid and maintain that pressure to hold the lid firmly in place.
5.  Curl your left hand so your palm turns toward your body, rotating the jar while the lid stays in place.
6.  Try to lift the lid upwards off the jar with your right hand.
7.  If the lid doesn't lift freely off the jar, stop trying to pull it off, open your left hand and bring it back to its in initial position wrapped around the jar (as in step 3), and repeat from step 4.
8.  Lift the lid off the top of the jar with your right hand and put the lid down on the table, beside that jar.
9.  Release both hands and find the other cylinder, which contains either red or purple stuff. This is the jar of jelly.
10. Repeat steps 3 through 8 with the jar of jelly.
11. Find the large brown object in a clear plastic bag. This is the loaf of bread.
12. With both hands, pinch the plastic bag near the narrow end of the loaf of bread, where you can pinch the plastic without pressing into the bread.
13. Pinch tightly and pull your hands away from the bread to tear the bag to pieces and free the bread.
14. Release your hands and pry two slices of bread from the closest end of the loaf.
15. Separate them from each other and from the loaf.
16. Put the two slices of bread on the plate in one layer, so neither lies on top of the other.
17. Grab the thicker end of the knife in your right hand.
18. Hold the peanut-butter jar in place with your left hand.
19. Dip the flat end of the knife into the peanut-butter jar and twist your wrist to scoop peanut-butter onto the blade.
20. Withdraw the knife from the jar.
21. Lift the leftmost slice of bread in your left hand and hold it on your upward-facing palm.
22. Press the flat of the knife-blade to the face of the slice of bread and smear peanut-butter across the bread.
23. Place the slice of bread back where it was on the plate, peanut-butter-covered face up.
24. Repeat steps 18 through 23 with the jelly jar in place of the peanut-butter jar and jelly in place of peanut-butter.
25. Put the knife down on the table and release it.
26. Lift the jelly-covered slice of bread in your left hand, jelly side up and your upturned palm beneath the slice.
27. Curl your fingers around the edges of the bread gently so you won't drop the slice.
28. Rotate your hand, turning your palm towards the left and continuing until your palm is facing the floor, while still holding the slice of jelly-covered bread.
29. Move your right arm to the left until the downward-facing jelly-covered slice is directly above the upward-facing peanut-butter-covered slice.
30. Lower your right hand, bringing the jelly-covered slice to the peanut-butter-covered slice and press it down on top of the peanut-butter-covered slice.
31. Release your right hand and move it out of the way.
32. Now bring me that sandwich.