a fortune file of dispair.com maxims

dispair

SHOOT FOR THE MOON Even if you miss, you'll land among the
stars. Of course, then your eyeballs will boil and your
lungs explode from decompression. But that's what you get
for being a damn showoff.
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LOVE Money can't buy you love. But it can buy exotic cars
and luxury yachts. Once you've got those covered, you'll be
fighting love off with a stick.
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SURVIVAL Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
Especially to your friends.
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BELIEVE IN YOURSELF Because the rest of us think you're an
idiot.
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KEEP CALM We'll get to the carrion part in a minute.
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MOTIVATION If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it
takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job.
The kind robots will be doing soon.
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REVELATION The downside of being ahead of your time is that
your ruins might end up a playground for cavorting druids.
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ADVENTURE Keep living life like there's no tomorrow and
you'll be right sooner than you think.
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GOVERNMENT If you think the problems we create are bad, just
wait until you see our solutions.
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PAIN Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Sometimes your
spirit tags along with it.
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AMBITION The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends
very, very badly.
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TRADITION Just because you've always done it that way
doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.
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DISTINCTION Looking sharp is easy when you haven't done any
work.
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MEETINGS None of us is as dumb as all of us.
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UNDERACHIEVEMENT (PENGUIN) Because soaring with the eagles
requires so much more effort.
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WISHES When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can
come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the
Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much
hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by
meteor.
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MISTAKES It could be that the purpose of your life is only
to serve as a warning to others.
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ACHIEVEMENT You can do anything you set your mind to when
you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of
expendable labor.
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GET TO WORK You aren't being paid to believe in the power of
your dreams.
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TEAM BUILDING Sometimes, the most important lesson you can
learn is that you're not a very good team.
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POTENTIAL Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they
grow up.
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CHANGE Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful,
concerned individuals can change the world. Indeed, it's how
we got stuck with the IRS, the Federal Reserve and the
Mafia.
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PRIORITIES Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter
what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or
the kind of car I drove... But the world may be different
because I did something so bafflingly crazy that my ruins
become a tourist attraction.
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MERCY Teach every child you meet the importance of
forgiveness. It's our only hope of surviving their wrath
once they realize just how badly we've screwed things up for
them.
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CHALLENGES I expected times like this - but I never thought
they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.
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COLLABORATION When a motivated group of people join
together, they can turn problems into opportunities.
Especially drinking problems.
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ADAPTATION The bad news is robots can do your job now. The
good news is we're now hiring robot repair technicians. The
worse news is we're working on robot-fixing robots- and we
do not anticipate any further good news.
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TEAMWORK Ensuring that your hard work can always be ruined
by someone else's incompetence.
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DEMOTIVATION Sometimes the best solution to morale problems
is just to fire all of the unhappy people.
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LEGACY It took millions of years to create something this
extraordinary. You have about seventy-four.
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PROCRASTINATION Hard work often pays off after time, but
laziness always pays off now.
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WHINING If you expect to score points by whining, join a
European soccer team.
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ILLUSIONS He who chases rainbows may eventually catch
tornadoes.
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COMMITTEES Just like teamwork. Only without the work.
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OBSTACLES Some things can not be overcome with determination
and a positive attitude.
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CONSULTING If you're not a part of the solution, there's
good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
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ECONOMICS The science of explaining tomorrow why the
predictions you made yesterday didn't come true today.
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MARKETING Because making it look good now is more important
than providing adequate support later.
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HOPE May not be warranted at this point.
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WORTH Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're
important.
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PERSEVERANCE The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of
turning back.
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LIMITATIONS Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea
how far you can walk.
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IDIOCY Never underestimate the power of stupid people in
large groups.
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TEAMWORK A few harmless flakes working together can unleash
an avalanche of destruction.
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ACQUISITION The discovery that you're no longer a big fish
in a small pond, or even a small fish in a big pond, but a
small fish in a big fish.
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CLUELESSNESS There are no stupid questions, but there are a
LOT of inquisitive idiots.
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PERSPECTIVE Less is more. Unless you're standing next to the
one with more. Then less just looks pathetic.
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CONSISTENCY It's only a virtue if you're not a screwup.
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SACRIFICE (TEMPLE) All we ask here is that you give us your
heart.
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RETIREMENT Because you've given so much of yourself to the
company that you don't have anything left we can use.
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PRETENSION The downside of being better than everyone else
is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.
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CHANGE Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed
often and for the same reason.
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MADNESS Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the
quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there
room in your head for one more?"
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WINNERS Because nothing says "you're a loser" more than
owning a motivational poster about being a winner.
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GIVE UP At some point, hanging in there just makes you look
like an even bigger loser.
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SANITY Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost
yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.
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ACCOMPLISHMENTS You can fool all of the people all of the
time if your effects budget is large enough.  Do you want
generous coupons? Sneak peeks at new Despair products?
Inside glimpses of our burgeoning cynical empire? Then
follow us, baby!
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AGONY Not all pain is gain.
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THE SECRET OF SUCCESS What is the Secret? Pretend you've
already achieved it. Then offer to sell the secret to
others.
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IRRESPONSIBILITY No single raindrop believes it is to blame
for the flood.
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CUSTOMER DISSERVICE Because we're not satisfied until you're
not satisfied
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THE ROAD NOT TAKEN Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. And
Robert Frost took the one less traveled. Of course, he also
heckled his rivals and started fires to disrupt their poetry
readings. But that makes for a terrible motivational poster.
Unless you're a petty pyromaniac. In which case, here you
go.
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DEFEAT For every winner there are dozens of losers. Odds are
you're one of them.
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UNDERACHIEVEMENT The tallest blade of grass is the first to
be cut by the lawnmower.
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STUPIDITY Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those
who never win AND never quit are idiots.
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STRIFE As long as we have each other, we'll never run out of
problems.
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SYNERGY A code word lazy people use when they want you to do
all the work.
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BRAVERY Every man dies. But not every man truly lives only
to die of sheer stupidity.
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INSPIRATION Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent
perspiration, which is why engineers sometimes smell really
bad.
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LIBERTY The price of freedom keeps going up, but the quality
keeps deteriorating.
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APATHY If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll
stop bugging us.
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FUTILITY You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't
take, and, statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do.
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CONFORMITY When people are free to do as they please, they
usually imitate each other.
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SURVIVAL The less you stand out, the longer you'll last.
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MEDIOCRITY It takes a lot less time and most people won't
notice the difference until it's too late.
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INDECISION The mark of the leader is the ability to make
decisions. The mark of the survivor is knowing when not to.
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CREATIVITY Helps artists die young, miserable, and
penniless- so their art can have meaning to the old,
satisfied, and obscenely rich.
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DIVERSITY Because every person deserves an equal chance to
prove their incompetence.
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FAILURE When your best just isn't good enough.
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INEPTITUDE If you can't learn to do something well, learn to
enjoy doing it poorly.
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PESSIMISM Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but
lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying
to find it.
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LOSING If at first you don't succeed, losing may be your
style.
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INCOMPETENCE When you earnestly believe you can compensate
for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end
    to what you can't do.
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INFLATION Because the easiest way to steal your wealth is by
cheapening your money.
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INDIVIDUALITY Always remember that you are unique. Just like
everybody else.
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CURIOSITY Some places remain unknown because no one has
ventured forth. Others remain so because no one has ever
come back.
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MATURITY If you're tired of others looking down on you, grow
the hell up.
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WISDOM Sometimes the only difference between a budding
genius and a blooming idiot is where they choose to take a
stand.
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DISCOVERY A company that will go to the ends of the Earth
for its people will find it can hire them for about 10% of
    the cost of Americans.
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COMPROMISE Let's agree to respect each others views, no
matter how wrong yours may be.
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DESPAIR It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
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PRIDE The art of calling faith in yourself "self-esteem"
while calling it "conceit" when you see it in others.
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ARROGANCE The best leaders inspire by example. When that's
not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well, too.
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ELITISM It's lonely at the top, but it's comforting to look
down upon everyone at the bottom.
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FEAR Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore,
you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea.
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LONELINESS If you find yourself struggling with loneliness,
you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.
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RISKS If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many
of life's great disappointments.
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SACRIFICE Your role may be thankless, but if you're willing
to give it your all, you just might bring success to those
who outlast you.
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BLOGGING Never before have so many people with so little to
say said so much to so few.
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INDIFFERENCE It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile,
but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look
on your face.
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HAZARDS There is an island of opportunity in the middle of
every difficulty. Miss that, though, and you're pretty much
doomed.
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CHANGE When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most
trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles.
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PERSISTENCE It's over, man. Let her go.
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EXCUSES If you keep asking others to give you the benefit of
the doubt, they'll eventually start to doubt your benefit.
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DREAMS Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.
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EFFORT Hard work never killed anybody- but it is illegal in
some places.
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TRANQUILITY As long as there are children in the world,
there will never be any real peace.
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WEALTH All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't
buy happiness.
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DO IT LATER The early worm is for the birds.
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OVERCONFIDENCE Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure
you could survive the odds beating you.
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REGRET It hurts to admit when you make mistakes- but when
they're big enough, the pain only lasts a second.
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DESTINY You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.
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PRESSURE It can turn a lump of coal into a flawless diamond,
or an average person into a perfect basketcase.
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QUALITY The race for quality has no finish line- so
technically, it's more like a death march.
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PROPAGANDA What lies behind us and lies before us are small
matters compared to what lies right to our faces.
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POSSIBILITIES With focus, dedication and steroids, men can
achieve impossible dreams. Like breaking a world record. Or
growing their own breasts.
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INNOVATION If it can make your job easier, it can probably
make it irrelevant.
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CORRUPTION I want either less corruption or more opportunity
to participate in it.
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ROMANCE Love is in the air. And it's pooping on my head.
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SELF-ESTEEM Just because you think you're a star doesn't
mean you're going anywhere.
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BAILOUTS From each according to his ability, to each
according to his lack thereof.
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SERVICE View all customers as beautiful buds that must be
cultivated, watered, and periodically buried under manure.
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BEAUTY If you're attractive enough on the outside, people
will forgive you for being irritating to the core.
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GOALS It's best to avoid standing directly between a
competitive jerk and his goals.
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INTIMIDATION No one can make you feel inferior without your
consent. But you'd be a fool to withhold that from your
superiors.
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LEADERS Leaders are like eagles. We don't have either of
them here.
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FREEDOM I may not agree with what you say, but I respect
your right to be punished for it.
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PROBLEMS No matter how great and destructive your problems
may seem now, remember, you've probably only seen the tip of
them.
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CONGRESS Proudly defending the status quo long after the quo
has lost its status.
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BITTERNESS Never be afraid to share your dreams with the
world, because there's nothing the world loves more than the
taste of really sweet dreams.
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BLAME The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your
failures.
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FLATTERY If you want to get to the top, prepare to kiss a
lot of the bottom.
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DYSFUNCTION The only consistent feature of all of your
dissatisfying relationships is you.
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INSIGHT When the going gets tough, the tough get going. The
smart left a long time ago.
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IGNORANCE It's amazing how much easier it is for a team to
work together when no one has any idea where they're going.
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INSANITY It's difficult to comprehend how insane some people
can be. Especially when you're insane.
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NEPOTISM We promote family values here- almost as often as
we promote family members.
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OPPORTUNITY I am Dr. Adewole Aremu- a director with the
Union Bank of Nigeria in Lagos- and I wish to speak to you
most urgently about a matter regarding the sum of
$39,000,000 US Dollars...
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ADVERSITY That which does not kill me postpones the
inevitable.
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DISLOYALTY There comes a time when every team must learn to
make individual sacrifices.
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CUSTOMER CARE If we really cared for the customer, we'd send
them somewhere better.
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BURNOUT Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.
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PLANNING Much work remains to be done before we can announce
our total failure to make any progress.
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HUMILIATION The harder you try the dumber you look.
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DARE TO SLACK When birds fly in the right formation, they
need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork
results in collective laziness.
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RECOGNITION Having your moment in the sun isn't always a
good thing.
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DISSERVICE It takes months to find a customer, but only
seconds to lose one... The good news is that we should run
out of them in no time.
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LAZINESS Success is a journey, not a destination, so stop
running.
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RECOVERY Time heals all wounds. But it usually leaves a
pretty big scar.
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TROUBLE Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.
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MISFORTUNE While good fortune often eludes you, this kind
never misses.  Do you want generous coupons? Sneak peeks at
new Despair products? Inside glimpses of our burgeoning
cynical empire? Then follow us, baby!
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CONSERVATION Save energy. Be apathetic.