passing thoughts that make me laugh

snowden_is_a_hero.txt

Sometimes I have a passing thought that makes me laugh. I thought I'd try to leverage technology and gitHub's tool, specifically Speechnotes on Android and gitHub Gist, with the idea that I can spit these out relatively soon after I have them and record them before I forget them.  I also have some motivation copy-edit them since this is public.

Yeah course I know how to drive a stick you just push the gas pedal all the way down and use the clutch to modulate your speed.

How many versions of a story does he flutter through before he alights on the one he thinks will be sturdiest?

You know, you look just like my friend’s cousin so&so!

Really? Same height and build? What was his name again? Always handy to have the whereabouts of a convincing double...

Someone shambles across the room, flops down on the couch next to their SO, and sighs. Their SO asks them to turn on the lights or open the blinds, that would require them to get up. Someone answers that they wish they had a button that would just do it for them. They put their hand in their pocket and are surprised to find a small device with a button on it. They pull it out, show their SO, and press the button. The device lights up, and the whatever happens.

Someone looks at their SO, and wishes that they’ll be together forever, and presses the button again. The device lights up.

Their SO freezes for a moment and then shouts, “I wish for an undo button!”

A couple are walking down the street when they come across an old man obviously down on his luck. They stop and give him a moment and a dollar, and he smiles at them and hands them a magic button. “Make a wish, press this magic button and it will come true.” Then the old man vanishes in a puff of stardust and stock options.

The couple look at each other. The gal says, “I wish for a million dollars” and presses the magic button. A voice from the magic button says processing please wait please wait please wait please w and then a tiny bell rings and poof, a huge pile of money appears at their feet.

one wish remaining, says the magic button.

Her partner smiles brightly and says, “I wish we would be in love forever!” and presses the magic button. processing please wait... The gal quickly snatches up the magic button and smashes it on the ground, destroying it.

(This is what is meant by “commitment issues.”)?

(Her partner cries, “Why did you do that? Don’t you love me?” “Yes, my dear, I do,” the gal says, “but you didn’t specify how, exactly, we’re going to exist while we love each other forever. What if it had turned us into zombies? Or indestructible statues that would just stare at each other for eternity? Haven’t you seen Black Mirror?”)

While writing the above joke:

• I’m being very stereotypical
• should interrogate that more: I am defaulting to the assumption that the couple are straight. I’m casting the man as afraid of commitment and the woman as seeking commitment. I’m referring to the man with a term “guy” that primarily means “adult male”, while referring to the woman with a term that primarily means “pre-pubescent female”.
• should rewrite joke and try some different assumptions
• I’m so woke. I’m awesome.
• Wow, I’m really overly self-congratulatory
• I’m so self-aware. I’m awesome.
• the concept of recursion. GNU stands for “GNU is Not Unix”. The GNU in that also stands for “GNU is Not Unix.”
• just because I realize something about myself doesn’t mean it will change
• I’m so insightful. I’m awesome.

cough cough cough

“Hey, you sick, friend?”

“Nah, just allergies.”

“Allergies?”

“Yeah, turns out I’m allergic to lung cancer.”

From inside your torso, left and right would be absolute directions, like north and south.

Maybe this is why “dag nabbit!” was considered a swear once upon a time.

dag nab, each word reversed, is gad ban, or mirrored would be gab dan, either way it seems logical that the phrase was a way of saying god damn in something akin to pig latin

Likewise consarnit was goldarnit which was obvious from there

If you need to call a priest, there's supposed to always be one on call 24/7/365.25 and it rolls to the next priest if that one happens to be out or busy or something.

What happens if the priests are all out? And anyone else who is on the forwarding list happens to be out?

The religious answer is god or something like it. (The non-monotheists have it covered!)

The atheist answer is that it goes to the voicemail of the last person on the forwarding list.

A smilie is like a lie. A metaphor is a lie.

A cowboy is at a doctor. The cowboy has a cough.

Doctor: “That cough sounds productive.”

Cowboy: “Productive? Naw, I jes set thar an’ cough.”

Comedian, energetic but not particularly friendly, to audience member: “Who do we have here tonight? Hey, pal. You, in the red shirt. Yeah, you! Ha! Look at your stupid red shirt! You’re stupid, just like your shirt! This is you!” (Does really stupid noises)

Comedian suddenly spots another audience member: “And who is this? My dear, you in the blue shirt, you are amazing! What a wonderful person, much like this lovely blue shirt, just delightful. This is you!” (Pantomimes a fairy godparent making gracious noises)

Shock/anti-pc comedian who is afraid of confrontation. Spends half his sets strutting around the stage like Dice, the other half puking into a trash can just behind the curtain.

Scam idea:
Step one: set up a fake dna testing lab for men, something they’d submit sperm for.
Step two: Sell samples online to sex freaks.
Step three: profit!!

(On stage at a comedy open mic)
(In the manner of someone smugly assuming that he’s “saying what everyone is thinking” but not combatively so)
Babies! Ugh, am I right? Eww. No thanks! Keep that disgusting thing away from me. Gross!

Judo. That’s what I have to remember.

Idea for protests if there are line of peaceful protests facing line of police/leos: A high school dance team walks up at one side of the line of protesters, in uniform, big smiles, at attention and carrying a rolled up floor mat in a double row. Someone in a doozy costume, very goofy vibe, gets up in front in the middle and pulls out a bullhorn. Is everybody ready for the surprise? Crowd knows this signal beforehand, yells Yes!. Rinse repeat a couple of times, then change to What’s the surprise?, Water balloon fight! a few times so the officers understand the vibe. Then a countdown and the dance team(s)? roll out the mat, quickly like a show, and the mat has water balloons laid out at intervals. The mat is laid out so it’s right in front of the line of protesters, hopefully leaving a gap to the police. The front line of protesters grab water balloons, then turn around and throw them at the protesters behind them. Everyone else in the crowd pulls out a water balloon they had hidden or big cardboard boxes are used to distribute them, and they throw the balloons at each other or splatter themselves. Nobody goes after the police. Hopefully they haven’t freaked out and started gassing and rubber pelleting the crowd. The dance teams can run up to the officers at intervals with big cardboard boxes or maybe nets they can see through so there’s no fear of the contents, with a bunch of water balloons and unrolls those or piles them up in front of their front line, or whenever they get told to stop, and leaves the balloons and skedaddles. Hopefully water balloon fight ensues.

A life is not the same thing as a living.

Grammar/punctuation idea: instead of using double quotes to directly quote something or someone, include those sentences or fragments as you would inline quoted code, either italicized or set in a different font and/or color.

Space monster idea:

It’s about the size of a mountain lion. It has a barbed hook protruding down from its lower abdomen and then hooking almost 90 degrees to point mostly up at its head. From the side, this makes it look kind of like a fishhook. Its forelimbs are short, strong, several-jointed or tentacular, and end in barbed hooks smaller than the one on its abdomen. The chest and torso are covered in rows of serrated dagger teeth. It attacks by “hugging” its victim in its forelimbs with its serrated dagger teeth dug into its victim’s torso. Then it contract and expands, moving like one big elbow joint. This motion continuously buries and removes the abdominal hook with its barbed tip while the serrated dagger teeth saw back and forth on the victims’ s torso or back.

Character idea: biker underground brawler who fights with steel toe/heel boots tkd-style.

Evil car movie idea: big pickup w obnoxious chrome grill guard - which opens up like jaws, the chrome grille bars separating into sharpened teeth. Strategy is to impale one victim, charge down any others using the impaled victim as a shield, and when two or three more are impaled, clamped shut again like Dunkleosteus jaws, slicing them all to bits. Any remaining targets are run down.

Story idea - warming oceans release a large section of ice in Antarctica, a splinter that cuts deep into the arc described by 90°S, 160°E to 90S°, 60°W in a CW direction. A sea trench beneath has been providing enough heat, from a crack in the earth’s bottom that reaches all the way to the core, to create a warm-water ocean paradise. Clear crystalline formations in the ice starting CW at 90°S, 160°W to 90S°, 120°W had allowed in enough light to keep light streaming in under a massive cap of an underwater cave ceiling, one so high that it creates essentially a dimly lit bubble ocean in which livystatan live. Living near the illuminating shafts and hunting by echolocation in the dim depths, they have evolved an intelligence to rival ours. They fear only the megalodon, who live in the depths and hunt by smell from a distance, electrical field at close range. To avoid being detected by smell, they engage in culturally important orgies that begin as grooming sessions.

Meanwhile, the sudden change in the ocean is felt first and foremost by sunken Atlantis, which is of course located on the eastern edge of Zealandia. Aquaman goes to investigate and must confront the livystatan.

Once you eliminate the possible, whatever remains, however probable, must be impossible.
or
Once you eliminate the truth, whatever remains, however probable, must be impossible.

(corollary to Sherlock Holmes' "Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth")

The "eyeballs" model for social media platform advertising has created a side market in social media content between the users. Users are expected to and rewarded by other users for producing content. The rewards are both tangible, in terms of the social media platform (likes, retweets, upboats, etc), and intangible, in the personal relationships of the users.

(Joker): I'm an artist, [victims]. And you are not my canvas.
. (grins madly)
. You're my paint!
. (mayhem ensues)

I build whole narratives in my head around the few facts I have about some people, like Sherlock Holmes but without the keen sense of insight or the benefit of existence in narrative fiction. Once I was in a doctor’s office, a younger fit guy, and saw photos of him skiing with a fit young lady, displayed on his office wall. I asked if that was his wife and he said no with a bit of finality regarding the subject. Yet I nearly asked him holy cow, did his wife know about these photos?

Time and information are related. More time available to an observer = less information; more information available to an observer = less time.

I think this is the big secret to fighting somebody who uses a kicking heavy style, like taekwondo.

They don't ever talk about it. They don't want to talk about it.

Go for their balls.

When you're kicking, you are leaving your balls open. Go for their balls, just go right for the balls.

You know, sidestep their kick, go for the balls. Block, go for the balls. Eat a kick, go for the balls. Distract with a punch to the face, go for the balls. Just go for their balls.