My Favorite Nerd Humor Tweets

Funny Tech Tweets
=================

### Corny ###

I know a programming joke about 10,000 mutexes, but it's a bit contentious. 
--@secboffin

I also have a UDP joke. But you might not get it.
--@jonathanstray

"I can cast out either one of your demons, but not both of them." --the XORcist
--@secboffin

A photon checks into a hotel from the night "Got any bags?" asks the clerk. "No" replies the photon "I'm traveling light."
--@ericasadun

Argon walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, jerk, we don't serve your kind around here. Get lost!" Argon doesn't react.
--@ericasadun

A neutron walks into a bar, asks the bartender "How much for a drink", to which the bartender replies "For you, no charge."
--@ericasadun

Two Hydrogen molecules crash into each other. "Argh!" cries one. "I lost my electron!" "You sure?" asks the other. "Yes, I'm positive!"
--@ericasadun

A programmer goes to the shop to buy some milk. His wife calls and says "While you're out, get some eggs." He never returns.
--@brianbondy

"I knew two statisticians, one of them was just an average guy, but the other was totally mean."
--@silentbicycle

The home network topology is starting to grow out of control maybe it's time to call a lanscaper
--@Paulymer

Why don't communists make good Java programmers? The class system has dissolved and the state controls everything.
--@leashless

Earlier today, I asked if we could make a local variable into one that was also organic and fair-trade
--@nikolasco

"This can't work," said Spider-Man to Princess Peach. "I'm trying to advance web technology but all you care about is Bowser independence."
--@dwineman

what idiot called it kosher salt instead of taberNaCl
--@http_coed

A programmer's spouse isn't there "significant other", they are their "most significant bit."
--@xunker

If you're having floating problems I feel bad for you son, I got NaN problems but 0.99999999999 ain't 1.
--@dlsspy

Shows great facility with blocks soon after reincarnation? The Dalai Lambda. 
--@mmalcC

iOS 7's UI in some places feels derivative… but i guess that's a function of change.
--@ntakayama



### Estimation ###

OH: "…so they each bought a copy of the Mythical Man Month, handed all 10 to him and said, there, you can read it in a 10th of the time."
--@lunivore

A: "Do you have a time estimation to develop it?"
B: "Mhhh, about 2."
A: "Hours?"
B: "Don't know the unit yet."
--@patrick_allaert

SysAdmin fix time estimates by Utterance:
	Ummm 	= 30 minutes.
	Uhhhh	= 1hr.
	Uh oh	= 2.7 hrs.
	Oh Sh*t	= 4 hrs.
	Oh f***	= 27+ hrs.
	Hmmmm	= 6+ months.
--@vitroth

Programming IRL:
 "ETA for an apple pie?"
 "2h"
8h later:
 "Where is it?"
 "You didn't tell me the dishes were dirty and you lacked an oven."
--@rickfillion



### The Tech Industry ###

i'm teaching my parrot to say "app" over and over again because she wants seed funding
--@ftrain

I accidentally disrupted when I meant to innovate, and now my iterations won't be transformative, but merely upend existing paradigms.
--@PaulFidalgo

OH: A million people in Silicon Valley walk into a bar. No one buys anything. Bar is declared a rousing success.
--@zeldman

In startup we have a tenure for all devops is exact 1 year. They have choice of automate themself out of job or get fire.
--@DEVOPS_BORAT

the reason it's not a bubble is that we can selectively target ads based on whether you're a teen with no income or a tween with no income
--@techemployee

Our use of stock photos is going to confuse the hell out of future archaeologists…"We believe this blond man ran half the world's companies." 
--@searls

The final version of Android will be: Diabetes. Current names are: Cupcake, Donut, Eclair, Froyo, Gingerbread, Ice Cream Sandwich
--@iamFinch

her name is SEO and she dances on the sand, beach, beaches, vacation, vacations, resort, cruise, discount cruise, cruise vacation, Cozumel,
--@mikesacco

Is there any way I can use the same password for everything forever AND write it down on whatever I touch? Oh, a fingerprint reader? Cool.
--@dwineman

"I am Tim Cook, CEO of Apple Corporation. I have $146.6 billion in cash and need your help bringing it to the United States."
--@edbott

O(n) - for when you plan to get bought before n becomes a problem.
--@mccv

In 2013, "Xbox, Bing Pinterest" is a valid sentence you can say to a computer and have it do something meaningful without any real words.
--@SteveStreza

Grandma: "So, what *do* you do?"
Me: "I maintain the illusion that tapping on a pane of glass positively affects the world we live in."
--@jonathanpenn



### Languages and Coding ###

Really hate someone? Add this to their Javascript: 
	var false = true;
--@idiot

Rick: "It's on another branch. KTUIKitXibFixes."
Me: "How do you pronounce that?"
Rick: "Like a bad sneeze."
--@Hay

Java does allow devs to directly manage memory. The APIs are documented under CVE-####-####.
--@jonpasski

"When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb." -- Steve Haflich
--@CodeWisdom

"if java really had effective garbage collection, all programs would delete themselves on write"
--@LusciousPear

Confession: when writing C, I spuriously use C++ keywords as variables to make the code hostile to anyone who attempts to embed it in C++
--@bcantrill

"The 11 in C++11 refers to the number of legs nailed onto the dog whilst attempted to build a better octopus."
--@CodeWisdom

sadly, English is the PHP of natural language
--@ProNihilist

"Prove you are a human and know JavaScript. What is '3' + 1?"
Correct answers are '31', 4, undefined, and NaN
--@ItsRobbAllen

C is a DSL for access violations
--@kellabyte

In C++14 you just write:
	auto auto(auto auto) { auto; }
The compiler infers the rest from context.
--@meteokol

I just accidentally ran an SSL certificate through Perl. It gave 40 warnings before finally deciding it wasn't Perl code.
--@stwange

My professor did directly admit there is a conspiracy to convince students goto is worse than it is to keep it out of linked list homework.
--@0xabad1dea

Syntactic sugar is great, up until the point where you get semantic diabetes.
--@mattmight

Some people when confronted with a problem think "I know, I'll use threads." 
two have Now problems they.
--@stevenf

When we say to decouple your code, we mean from other code and not from reality. Sorry that was confusing.
--@markimbriaco

If at first you don't succeed, back off exponentially.
--@dsandler

"Working Effectively With Legacy Code" should just be 300 pages of a picture of a bottle of whiskey
--@tcollen



### Debugging ###

Today's software engineering word is "farpotshket." This is a Yiddish word meaning, "broken, because someone tried to fix it."
--@Aquarion

OH: "It's working. And by working I mean it's broken in the way it should be."
--@augustjoki

I'm so gangster, I don't even report to Apple when Safari unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches.
--@nealbrennan

Every time you try to fix one bug, you find two more. Then one day, you die. 
--@danielpunkass

There are only two hard things in computer science. Cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
--@buzzert

Ain't no party like a QA party, 'cause a QA party includes steps to reproduce.
--@noir

And remember, every memory leak is a use-after-free that does not happen. Choose wisely.
--@frama_c

Ask a programmer to review 10 lines of code, he'll find 10 issues. Ask him to do 500 lines and he'll say it looks good.
--@girayozil

I don't write bugs. I craft artisanal brain teasers for future me. Or coworkers.
--@urbanape

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime movie where you are also the murderer.
--@fortes

Always wanted to travel back in time to try fighting a younger version of yourself? Software development is the career for you!"
--@loh

Did you know you can tell if someone is a programmer simply by saying the word "timezones" and seeing if they cringe?
--@MikeRooney

Jenkins is great. it doesn't just test your code. It also tests you. And your ability to keep your Jenkins server running.
--@InlineStyle



### Protocols Explained ###

How I imagine a TCP conversation:
	1: HELLO
	2: HI
	1: OK
	2: OK
	1: CAN I HAVE THE BITS PLEASE
	2: HERE ARE THE BITS
	1: NEED MORE BITS
	2: OK MOAR
--@abrahamveigh

HTTP response codes for dummies:
	50x: we f*cked up.
	40x: you f*cked up.
	30x: ask that dude over there.
	20x: cool.
--@DanaDanger

Imagine a system where a man gives you a chuck-e-cheese token every hour you let your car idle. Realize that system exists and it's bitcoin
--@Krinkle8



### Symbols ###

I almost want to have a kid just so I can name it '~'. "It's pronounced Tilde. In our language, it means 'home'."
--@annthurium

I like to use "for (;;)" to do infinite loops in C because (;;) looks like a spider face.
--@DanaDanger

→ should produce a totally bitchin' unicode tiger instead of a stupid right arrow.
--@codinghorror

The "http://" at the beginning of URLs is a command to the browser. It stands for "head to this place:" followed by two laser-gun noises."
--@bsuto

"http" is the protocol. I call the "://" part a "Double Meh."
--@SlexAxton

There's nothing like tight kerning to make a design look dean and modem.
--@dwineman



### Git ###

"I believe Cronos is the god of git rebase. Because he ate all his children."
--@DanaDanger

stash it, pop it, grep it, move it, config, prune it, format-patch it, add it, reset, add it, show it, git help reflog, pull --rebase it
--@ceterum_censeo

Conflict resolution is most important skill of manager. In startup we are force all manager for use git.
--@DEVOPS_BORAT

They say git gets easier once you get the basic idea that branches are homeomorphic endofunctors mapping submanifolds of a Hilbert space.
--@pronelski

The idea that git can be used offline is an illusion - you still need connectivity for googling which arguments to pass to what command.
--@devops_jesus



### Recruiting ###

Imagine if we wrote resumes the way recruiters send emails: "Stealth-mode Software Engineer with no visible history seeks Rockstar Employer"
--@Gulopine

We hired rockstars and ninjas, but now the office is just filled with smashed guitars and corpses. Something's moving in the shadows. Send Hel
--@madhava



### Process ###

OH: "I describe injecting an agile process on top of waterfall as 'rafting.'"
--@jonathanpenn

You can only able call yourself senior programmer if you are spend more minute in meeting as in write code.
--@DEVOPS_BORAT

5% of devops are have infrastructure as code. Rest of 95% are have infrastructure as PowerPoint.
--@DEVOPS_BORAT

In startup we are use new technique call 5 Why Not Me for show how nobody is of blame for outage.
--@DEVOPS_BORAT

The voicemail light on my office phone turned on three years ago. I didn't get a follow-up email, so i figured it wasn't important.
--@mikeysan

For devops manager: if task is take 15 min, then first break into two 30 minute tasks then delegate.
--@DEVOPS_BORAT

I have finally discovered the long-awaited formula for developer productivity. It is the number of engineers divided by the number of PMs.
--@Steve_Yegge

I thought Agile was just having regular stand ups and retros to talk about the deadline you're going to miss on your waterfall project
--@garethrhughes

Never forget that the very simplest and cleanest implementation of any feature is an email containing the single word "NO."
--@raganwald



### Sci-Fi ###

"Did Alan Turing really exist?"
"He was replaced by a robot in 1950 and no one could tell the difference." 
--@hodgman

You realize that Skynet woke up years ago and is just waiting for 3D printers and home fabs to become ubiquitous before attacking.
--@jackwilliambell

This new Captcha is hardcore: "Verify You Are a Human: Harm a fellow human or, through inaction, allow a fellow human to come to harm."
--@TheAngryDM

if you've never spoken 'computer, end program' out loud theres still a change your whole life has been a holodeck simulation
--@dreadhole

Just turned on my 4D printer and Charlemagne leapt out.
--@HemlockMartinis

Independence Day 2: Goldblum attempts to upload virus with iPad. Unfortunately his provisioning profile expired and we all die.
--@tapbot_paul

Yearly reminder: unless you're over 60, you weren't promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyperpunk dystopia. Here you go.
--@Moochava



### POSIX ###

They call them man pages because they don't do anything useful but they pedantically tell you what to do but aren't really helpful.
--@kscottz

OH: "Anyway, that's not how you summon RMS. You say 'Linux' three times in front of a mirror, and a voice will wail "Iiiit's GNU/Linuuuuux'."
--@bkero

Unix russian roulette:
sudo [$[$RANDOM % 6]==0] && rm -rf / || echo "You live".
--@silber

Linux kernel doesn't mess around:
'kernel: Out of memory: Kill process 25101 (apache2) score 102 or sacrifice child'
--@abrahamveigh