I'm not a firefighter, but I grew up in wildfire country and I know the basics of preventative firefighting. Whether you are concerned with lightning strikes or with arson, the strategy is the same — reduce the number and density of flammable targets.
For me, to build a fire is a meditation. Last summer, I built a fire in the middle of the Olympic National Forest. It was the most at peace I have felt all year.
I have specific trauma around learning and addiction, which makes me addicted to learning about trauma.
For a person who does caretaking work, trauma carries a unique and terrifying danger. When you are traumatized, the reactive mind clicks into place. The reactive mind is useful, in small doses. However, when in a reactive state our judgment goes down. With inhibited judgment and cognitive functioning we lose more recently acquired skills, and our social processing is reduced.
Outside of the forest, I'm finding it hard to concentrate. My reactive mind only feels calm when something is burning.
I am recovering from complex trauma in a hybrid learn-work environment.
I was teaching at Dev Bootcamp June of 2014, and witnessed a mugging two days before my company was acquired by Kaplan.
I got another job.
I got divorced.
I got another job. That startup fell apart.
I got another job. I got an autism diagnosis and started at Microsoft in October of 2017. Bored, I caused problems. Another job won't fix this. The geographic cure cannot fix you.
The reactive mind can perform… But it cannot learn. Not nearly as well as the deliberate mind. It would prefer to clown and charm, to run, or to hide.
I struggled to learn anything new. I behaved unprofessionally, and felt deeply angry about my blocked capability to acquire new skills quickly. I got indignant.
This felt confusing, overwhelming, and disempowering. It caused me to fall into bad habits I'd worked hard to rid myself of years before. Neediness, insecurity, and codependency. I felt awful and mean.
Trauma teaches us deep, real lessons. I've learned my lesson about letting my work be the center of my life.
I can't change my caretaking character, nor do I want to. I've been told I'm exceptional my whole life and I need to unlearn my show-off-y arrogance and controlling behaviors. I need to practice doing ordinary, dedicated work.
There is a gap between being healthy enough to work and being functional enough to work sustainably.
Compulsive behaviors are learned behaviors. The process of becoming a problem gambler begins one coin at a time.
To learn anything new, one must deliberately practice in an environment which is safe enough to fail. I need to practice turning in consistent, good work.
To become a functional professional again, I must change my attitude. I need to rebuild a deliberate practice of deliberate practice.
I'm not a firefighter, but I grew up in wildfire country and I know the basics of preventative firefighting.
I can't change my mind's landscape, but I can clear away the brush. I can manage controlled burns.